#however it takes weeks of that fluff to relieve just a teeny bit of damage from the crippling pain of even starting a project

[doki-mocha]

I came to this school with a 3.75 gpa. Now im at a 3.17. Dad says I stopped caring, but doesnt get that the more down the line you get and the more specialized your classes are, then the harder it gets. Why does getting B’s make me look so bad. Wheres the measuring cup of sweat and tears to grade how much effort we put in? Where’s my gold medal for throwing away years of my life for something im not good at. Why are you judging me on something you know im terrible at. The grades i get that are required for my major are Cs. 

That sure says something huh Im working hard but my brain is incompatible with this work. How can my artsy adhd dumbass brain ever be considered a genius. “Show me your grades so i can be inspired” How about show you my grades so you can be disappointed. 

The average number of classes a semester here is four, five is pushing it, but he wants six. Because more work means im working harder, No it means im spreading myself thinner. My brain can barely focus on one thing but doing multiple makes me do even worse. My brain has so much whirling around and i cant choose what it wants to focus on.

We’ll just waste more time and your money if you force evrything into one year and retaking it over and over instead of taki it slowly and getting it right. Im not a god, im not a genius. Im just doing my fucking best but no one appreciates it.

Im fucking crying again. He got mad at me for crying earlier. I cried because i said out loud “im doing my best but theres just so much already” i dont like saying things out loud, talking about my problems outloud. Thats why i rather type. No calls, no counselors, no heart to heart. Hearing myself with my voice talk about myself hurts, because admitting im struggling hurts

And i do struggle. Struggle with things normal people should do. Making a schedule and following that schedule. I bought a planner because i thought it would help, but guess what. The months on it are already invalid. I wrote in it once. It’s even hard to get started writing a schedule. I dont even show up to class on time. I dont sleep early because my brain wont let me work until laaate at night. So why do i even try.

They cant see the rusty gears in my head get clogged with gum because i cant fucking focus. Spending hours trying to get that gunk out using food, or music, or videos, or little doses of serotonin i get from video games or just drawing. How can i get these gears turning if there is no energy. 

Does that make sense. Because im not making excuses. I open my book at 2pm but dont get the energy until 12am. I want to work. In my head as im finding music, im finding songs, im finding food, im playing quick games, or looking through twitter or tumblr. Im looking for something to pump energy and inspiration in me.

Im asking friends to give me goals so i have motivation from somewhere. I try to give myself goals saying ‘if you do this you get to eat this snack’ well guess what, i didnt get to eat that snack for four weeks. Make it five. Why? Because even eating food ive been meaning to takes time. This is why my food gets moldy. Because its so hard just to get to things, just to start, just to do.

Im not going off task on purpose, im not procrastinating on purpose, im not ignoring lectures on purpose. I do my work to the best of my ability. I read to the best of my ability. I learn to the best of my ability. But people expect 110% when i cant even give my 50%.

Thats a failing grade.