#didn't want to hurt anybody's fun on their own posts so like !!! this isn't an attack i just Hate Her Writing lmao

[tocomplainfriend]

BIG POST ABOUT ACE REP IN HB/HH

ALASTOR:

I'm ace spec and I hate this shitty mix of stereotypes

So many people see Ace or Aro (and both) people as people who must not have feelings. That if you don't feel romantic or sexual attraction for example "you must be broken" in the same way people connect that to people like serial killers like Alastor. The not having feelings or empathy for people also connects to of all that. And the automatic connection of "no feelings, no empathy" = "ace", Because of the usual conflation of Ace and Aromantic. (Specially cause a lot of people have heard more about Asexual than Aromatic, and can't separate sexual and romantic attraction and empathy)

Again, the general canon treatment and vivs treatment of Alastor also leads to the idea of Complete sex repulsed Ace and Complete romance repulsed Aro. But when ask about his romantic attraction, she doesn't state it as much as she states his Asexuality.

"If I give the real cannon answer...it's gonna... it's gonna... I don't want to ruin anybody's fun, so..."

Old post about this, plus the video of the quote:

Crew notes for Al:

MAMMON:

What!? Yeah! Came out of nowhere! Now we got two Ace characters that are extra terrible people that hurt others cause of the idea of shitty with empathy connected to Asexuality is all around... "Too bad/selfish of a person" = ace

I think they really just put this in at random. I don't think it was pre planed to have him as Ace because of how Octavia and Al are written.

Al is written with the simplicity of him being so not into sex that they portrayed him as if he didn't know about it in Hunicast. But Mammon is constantly profiting of the sexualization of Fizz, now Glitz and Glam. Constantly using prude language as well. I think if there was an intention before, they wouldn't have done that. Viv hasn't shown me a deeper understanding of Ace spectrums at all, I don't trust this. She picked the fat character, the series and merch doesn't sexualize like the others. He always had clothes on and nothing kinky. (for example...Viv also doesn't show a deeper/ or non-basic/non-stereotyped understanding of pansexuality)

But if it was an understanding of Ace spectrum, I'll take that. Mammon being ace, but he can understand and feel comfortable with people feeling attracted to him in that kind of way, like portrayed in the sexy merch?

BUT he is the only fat character and the only one never portrayed as naked or with fewer clothes in comparison to literally all the characters (including one offs) isn't this Viv and crew searching something to not having to sexualize him like they do with all the others? The two other Ace characters in this list don't get sexualized at all (thank god, Octavia is a kid) with the idea that Ace = 0 interaction with anything sex or attraction related....

REMEMBER, ACE IS AN SPECTRUM.

ACE PEOPLE CAN STILL HAVE SEX OR VIEW THEMSELVES AS SEXY AND WEAR SEXY CLOTHES.

They are also only using the Ace flag? Mammon is using the color for his clothes, so it could be Demi or Grey too, I wouldn't know, but it doubts it... Demi could match his actual outfit cause of the diamond shape things are like the triangle in the flag too tho!

That he is not treated like he doesn't know how sex works is surprisingly/sadly good. When the only thing you got is how Viv treated Al in Hunicast.

(Hopefully there is no weird implication that he is only at pride as a shitty rainbow capitalism thing, and that he is not connected to the cause of pride because he is Ace and implicated as "not to being connected as much". Really don't think so, but is always a worry that there could be a treatment of you are not as LGBTQ+ because you are ace so...!)

OCTAVIA: oh brother, I think she only got put on this because she is a minor, not to be sexualized in the heavily sexualized media. I mean, thank god.

I guess she's spilling her coffee at Stolas being sexual in the phone to Blitz in front of her, and telling them to get a room is the implication of Asexuality? Likewise, I think everyone doesn't want to hear their parent do dirty talk and attempt flirting in front of them.

Are any of these gonna matter or have an exploration or mention it? In the same way, there is a mention of (mainly male) gayness? No.

I don't think so...

Btw also no nonbinary? No gender-fluid or... nothing? No? Damn...

[ashintheairlikesnow]

I know you have little time on your hands for writing atm but I might just sneak in here anyways to give input. Who knows maybe you have time some day :D

I remember you posting about this Au where Chris won‘t get saved and Branch throws him on the street when he‘s "too old" and Chris encounters Kauri and he brings him to Jake and it‘s much harder to recover from there on.

Can‘t stop thinking about it it made me so sad!

Maybe you can write a piece about them meeting this way sometime when you feel like it 👉👈🥺

CW: Aftermath of spice, some dubcon implications, brief internalized ableism, drug use

Kauri wakes in a pile of bodies, briefly content simply knowing that if anything is the opposite of being alone, it's this. He still aches in all the right places from last night, and stretches his arms above his head, arching his back. His eyes are closed.

Someone next to him mumbles and rolls over, rolls away. Mourning the loss of even one point of contact, Kauri sighs and sits up. His head hurts, but that's normal on a Sunday morning, especially when his Saturday nights had been so fun. Sober now, he knows it's time to dress and disappear into the daylight, off to find the next drink, the next pill, whatever will soothe the way even now, he feels hollow.

He makes it to the door before he realizes he isn't the only person awake this early.

A flash of blue is slipping out ahead of him, hunched over in clothes too big for his frame. The man's profile is oddly delicate, strikingly beautiful.

Kauri had a hazy knowledge of someone with blue hair the night before, his back against someone's shoulder, another man between his legs. Or had it been the other way around, had he been between some man's legs...? It's hard to remember details. Kauri had been between two men himself, never the same two men twice.

Man, last night was fun.

Still, yeah, he remembers the hair. And a vague recollection of a sweet smile and soft pleading. The way his hips had rolled riding someone, hands splayed out on a sweat-soaked chest, biting his lower lip with his eyes closed. Making noise like it was forced out of him, but it'd been... yeah.

It'd been a performance.

Kauri had figured he was probably a hooker called in for the fun, but... now he wonders.

Hookers don't stay overnight.

"Hey," He calls out, and hurries to catch him. "Hey, wait up." He grabs the man by his arm. "Wait-"

The man goes still. He's short, skinny, swimming in these clothes. His hair's dirty and dull with copper roots showing through. But he turns to look back, and his irises - at least what Kauri can see of them around the dilated pupils - are the brightest green that Kauri has ever seen.

He's also clearly still high. Or maybe high again.

He has pale freckles in a scatter across his cheeks and his nose. Kauri wonders if you could play connect-the-dots with them, make something, maybe just a constellation.

"... what?" The word leaves the man slowly, like he has to consciously think about it first. "They... they said I could... have more before I left. I... didn't steal." He hesitates. "Did I?"

There's a scar over one cheek, somebody cut him with a knife. Not too bad - just for show. Just to make the scar.

Kauri swallows, and puts on his brightest, friendliest smile. "No, no, you didn't. And even if you did, I wouldn't say anything to anybody. But, just. I didn't get to say much to you last night. We were busy, right?" He winks.

"No." The man's gaze never meets Kauri's own - it dances, shifts from looking past his left shoulder to somewhere over his head, down to the right. Eye contact comes in brief flickers, as if he can barely stand it. He smiles, but it isn't real. It's false and faint. "Busy... last night. Having fun."

"Yeah, uh, it was a good time."

The man hesitates. Then he turns away again, pulling himself free of Kauri's grip, rubbing at the place where Kauri's hand had been nervously. "Good," He murmurs, as if reminding himself. "A good time. I had... a good time. I w, wanted-... I wanted... this. Always..." He trails off.

Then he starts walking, as if he's forgotten Kauri was even there.

"Want this," He's muttering. He sways from side to side as he walks, then stops, then starts again. His hands rub constantly, compelled, against the seams of his jacket.

Kauri's intuition prickles like a physical touch to the back of his neck, the weight of a shock collar, and he moves fast to catch up. "Hey, uh, are you-... um... let me buy you some breakfast, yeah? I got, like, forty bucks to my name. That'll get us some food. You look like you could stand to eat more."

The man pauses, briefly, looking over in Kauri's general direction. His hands bury themselves into his pockets and he hunches himself so much he seems inches shorter than he really is. "... okay. You, um. Want, want-..." He winces. "Wait. Silence is better than stammering, silence is better than stammering," He whispers, a recitation, and Kauri swallows as his spine chills from the nape of his neck down to the small of his back, all at once.

He's heard that chant before.

"... you're one of us," Kauri says, and it isn't a question. As soon as the other man tenses, he has his wrist up, looking side to side to make sure they're alone before he snaps open the leather bracelet and shows his barcode.

The man goes very still. Green eyes wander over the sight, and then he pulls his sleeve up to show his own. "WRU, Facility 001, Romantic 223499."

It's irresistible. Kauri hears another pet give theirs, he has to give his, too. He can all but feel his handler breathing down his neck waiting for it. "Right. Facility 001, Romantic 645898. But, uh. I'm Kauri." He tries for his bright smile again, but the other man doesn't return it. "What's your name? What do people call you?"

The man swallows. Then, he offers quietly, "My Sir... called me Baldur."

[baxterstockmanisthecenterfold]

old follower from when you were Baxterstockmanismyson, why'd you delete your old blog? What made you come back?

I pretty much explained why here

But to some it up basically, I was just sick of the harassment & constant hateful responses my friends & I Myself would receive almost daily because of the most simple opinions.

Hell I actually remember this one time I was making a rant about 2012 Stockman's character mishandling & I brought up the Rise turtles for 2 seconds & even made a stupid joke about how I'm surprised no one accused the 2012 ones of racial profiling & this one user took it so seriously they harassed me & my followers the rest of the day

I also can't help but find this bit from them ironic considering they could have did the exact same thing with my post & followers.

This isn't even a one time thing too. As I just said. The fandom would just take EVERYTHING too seriously & attack anybody that disagreed with them in any shape or form & a lot of my best friends at the time were victims of cyberbullying because of them including me. Yes I could have ignored them, & most days I did tbh, but every once in a while there was always that one miserable person that just wanted to PERSONALIZE their attacks to me just because I said I didn't like Apriltello or something & they made their insults PERSONAL, to the point where I couldn't help but NOT ignore it. I already suffer from Anxiety and Depression & EXTREMELY low self esteem to the point where I second guess my talents. From my art to my appearance to even questioning why I still exist. If I should even STILL exist.. At that point in 2021 when I deactivated Baxterstockmanismyson I had already been going through enough stressful situations in my life, worrying about a ton of real life personal stresses in my life. And the unnecessary bullying from the fandom consisting of grown ass adults mind you was the last thing I needed. I had actually received yet another hateful message in my askbox because of one of my hot takes the day before I deactivated & it honestly fucked me up majorly so it was the last straw. I deactivated & I overall QUIT & Left the fandom entirely ever since, I just didn't see the point in staying anymore when there's little to zero good memories in it.

I would be lying if I didn't say I did miss some aspects. The one thing I missed the most being Baxter himself. Any version of him. Especially considering he's actually the entire reason I even got into TMNT in the first place (but a story for another time). He's beyond my favorite character, he's my comfort one, my boy ever since I was 12. Then Mutant Mayhem was announced along with the fact that Baxter was in it (& played by FUCKING Giancarlo Esposito) my interest was peaked to say the least. Especially after I found out he looked like this

I'd even say it was honestly the only reason why I saw the movie (even if he was only in it for 4 minutes) which I admit even outside of Baxter, I did end up enjoying it. It was also nice to talk about tmnt again to my Girlfriend & a once mutual friend at the time. Just making it our own personal bubble having zero contact with the fans, especially as I saw literally NOTHING changed just by people's reactions to Mutant Mayhem April smfh. So I assumed it was the right choice.

Another year went by. Things are different once again, that mutual friend I mentioned earlier is...no longer our friend.. and it was back to radio silence in terms of anything turtle related. I had started collecting figures at this point in time & with the release of Human 1987 Baxter & Mirage on the way, I figured it wouldn't hurt to FINALLY add Baxter to my shelf like I always wanted to years ago. Even finally start making custom figures for him that don't exist & it was a fun, exhausting but also therapeutic experience in a way. Especially getting the chance to finally look back at the mad scientist all the way from day one. From schulpting, to talking about him & even looking up other perspectives on him. Even if it was mostly misconceptions like always when it comes to him. And it got to the point where I wanted to let out an outlet to just really let out Stockman talk & facts about the guy that no one knew or already did but with a story behind it. Even taking inspiration from AskSpideypool's @ sciderman & their blog being the most dedicated blog to really get & understand Wade Wilson & Peter Parker with pages worth of history to back up the knowledge. It's honestly how I feel with Baxter Stockman if I'm being legit with you. So about maybe 3 months later or so, I decided to create this new blog, a new start. A blog to just really share & show all I know about Baxter & even find other people that feel the same way. Just a little Baxter bubble that I can have & feel safe in. It's also why you noticed I haven't shared NON Baxter stuff on here yet. To put it short. I'm not really back in the TMNT fandom. Sure I'll post about Baxter Stockman. But that's the ONLY thing I'll go as far as posting. I wasn't too far off when I said I only watched MM for Stockman & the fact that the fandom hasn't changed their ways based on MM April's reception.

I want absolutely nothing to do with the fandom's drama or possible drama the second I step into current TMNT events & I share my thoughts on them even if I had thoughts anyway, I honestly don't really care anymore aside from Baxter.

To sum it up: Unless it involves Baxter, I genuinely don't give a shit. So a heads up if I'm ever asked about something non Stock related like my thoughts on this video game or this ship ect I'm gonna ignore it. I just don't have the mental strength for the drama anymore. And it's not like the fandom itself even cares about Baxter let alone care enough to get mad over a hot take about him which I've yet to see (aside from some 30/40 something year old idiots on Instagram & Twitter that genuinely believed he was always a white guy & him being black is new) so I feel safe in my Stockbubble.

Anyway, hope that clears things up. Both why I left & how this new blog works.

[trainsinanime]

Here's an unpopular opinion for you: I personally don't find furry stuff all that interesting, but I think it's absolutely crucial to accept furries and be kind of them. Not just for their sake, but for your own.

The internet is full of people who were brought up believing that weirdness deserves to be punished. Many of them encountered Tumblr, saw all the posts about who they should accept, and now believe "weirdness deserves to be punished, except for…", and then they add autism, ADHD and how far along the LGBTQIA+ abbreviation they've come so far in their personal journey of accepting others. Perhaps a few more posts will make them add letters.

But the truth is that weirdness doesn't actually need to be punished. Some people have hobbies that seem weird to you, perhaps even very weird, perhaps it even crosses into a sexual fetish… and that's literally fine. They're not hurting anybody, they're just being who they are and who they want to be, and that's okay. The only thing that needs to be judges is how you treat others, and in that metric, the folks who bully furries actually don't come out that well.

And if that's true for hobbies, then it's certainly double-extra true for things like gender identities and sexualities. To be clear, that is a whole other thing, I am not saying that being trans and being a furry are the same. They're not. But the basic model of "they're enjoying life and not hurting me, so that's okay" still happens to work.

(Aside: I sometimes see people say, "no, I was an excessively weird kid and I deserved to be bullied for it." I get it; being in on the "joke" that is you, and being the first one to make fun of yourself, feels like it gives you power. But the sad truth is that no, you didn't deserve it, that was an injustice done to you, and pretending otherwise isn't actually helping you or anyone else.)

Furries are certainly not the most oppressed or hated minority out there. But the way in which they've become an internet punchline makes them a good test case. If you're able to accept furries as people having fun in unusual ways, then you should be able to accept everyone else who doesn't quite match what we call "normal" as well.

[genuflectx]

I've been thinking a lot again about being an artist online since I've been taking a break from things, and about the eternal struggle between wanting art to be seen vs. wanting art to satisfy you without external validation. Mostly because negative thoughts remind me of when I stopped posting on my old SFW account, specifically the DeviantART.

A handful of years ago, not too long after leaving college, I got frustrated with the lack of results I was seeing on my SFW account despite the increased efforts placed towards my art. I felt bitter, and missed the old DA days of having a small but vocal community of artists who interacted with each other. I got so frustrated that I posted a journal asking if anybody would even notice if I just stopped, and when nobody replied (despite the 200+ watchers) I felt so discouraged I hid the large majority of my work and did just that. Stop. Of course, I was still active as Genuflect making NSFW art, but I had been on my SFW pseudonym for I'm guessing about 8-9 years at that point. So that stung.

Sometimes I think about if a similar thing might happen with "Genuflect." Art online is a game of who can post the most frequently, be the most personable, be the most relatable. When you stop, you fade out of the memory of people who have a world of other "content" to consume. It's just how things are. I've forgotten plenty of artists who disappeared off the face of the internet, only to remember them when I see I'm still following them years later. I always wonder what happened to them, if they're alive, if they moved accounts, if they just gave up.

Anyways. "Parasocial" goes both ways, I think, where artists can put too much stake into the opinions/attention of fans who they... don't really know. Does it hurt when familiar names disappear? Or when you take a break and they hop over to somebody else then just never come back? Yeah, but... it's not as if you really knew them, you never had a conversation, never did art exchanges, never roleplayed or hung out or mutually hype each other up. They're just... little numbers that give you a bit of validation for your hard work. Not friends. Isn't that what parasocial means?

But that is easier thought than practiced, it's still going to feel bad when you think nobody really cares if you stop or disappear online. I didn't know those 200 people watching me on my SFW DA in any personal capacity, but it still hurt like a bitch when not a one wanted me to stay. Because really... 8-9 years online and not one liked the art enough to leave a comment saying "wait, no, don't go?" Youch!!

I guess flipping the hurt feelings around into positives is the only way to go, if you want to find more satisfaction in creation without the opinions of strangers. That the opinions of friends/family is ultimately more valuable, that learning new things is fun and worthwhile on its own, that if nobody cares if you disappear then nobody really cares if your art ends up being "shit," either, so go wild. It removes a lot of pressure to try and think that way instead, while still acknowledging the hurt feelings are natural, especially in the modern online landscape.

One of the most treasured accounts I have is my VRC account, full of silly pictures with friends and little WIPs of 3D art and avatars. Know how many followers it has? 8. And it's the one that makes me smile the most. Being a nobody, or being forgettable, isn't so bad.

[the-holy-ghosted]

how would you like to respond to this ask with absolutely as much as you can possibly say about the terror. it does not need to be comprehensible. just say things until you can no longer say things. let it all out. or let some of it out and let the rest of it spill over into the tags of reblogged gifsets, i have no qualms with either. this is entirely to give you another avenue with which to go as feral as you would like. have fun!!

hey anon quite frankly i would love to start talking incessently about the terror and also im gonna kiss you on the lips for asking me to

one thing ive been thinking about a lot after rewatching the whole season maybe. three or four times now (i am not mentally sound) is just how much the theme throughout the show is Being Something You Are Not. and its such a gradual realization cause you start with one character but the more you think about it you realize how that theme affects everybody and everything about the show.

i read something in an analysis post written by somebody MUCH more eloquent than me about Silna and Crozier and the parallel of them being thrust into a responsibility they didn't want. Silna was forced into a role that she knew she could not handle and it fails on her! multiple times! despite having NOTHING to do with everything going wrong shes been shoved into everyone's field of vision as The One Responsible INCLUDING by her own community. and by all means she does try to fill those shoes but even Tuunbaq has a say and it doesn't want her. and by the time she tries again its already too late.

and Crozier's situation wasn't identical but it's very similar in the sense that he did not want to be here and do this. being the only one not volunteered, but *asked* to go on this expedition, having already not been what Sophia wanted but doing as she asks anyways. good grief the man is in the middle of writing his resignation letter to sir john when he gets mauled. and now hes got no choice and that ALSO fails on him and gets people hurt and eventually its too late for him to make anything better.

but once you notice it with somebody else its like oh! that's right! EVERYBODY is doing this. sir john wasn't anybody's choice to lead the expedition and in fact he is actively detrimental to everybody's safety with his choices. Fitzjames is not half the man he says he is and has actively been lying To Everybody about about who he is an his accomplishments Forever. Goodsir is NOT a doctor and despite how happy it seems to make him to be considered as such he knows its not true and all of that scientific knowledge ends up killing SO many people. Hickey thinks hes hot shit and thinks he can gain control of everybody else AND Tuunbaq and yet he can hardly even do his own dirty work and gets other people's hands dirty before he does it himself.

i mean if you think about it too even the landscape isn't what it seems. they all think its a conquerable land and then they get there and realize its not. and because of this, they assume that must mean there's no way to survive out there. except there IS. there IS wonder. it IS beautiful. life CAN thrive out there and it HAS they are just so hazardous and invasive to the environment that they don't get to see it!!! they don't see the wonder and they are trekking to their deaths amongst a COMPLETE lie. this isn't, like, News to anybody else who's watched the show i just noticed how it all connects everybody and it blew my mind a little bit

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 12)

Hi. I didn't post yesterday because I was being irresponsible with my time management and put it off all day and then I fell asleep in the middle of editing. Very fun! I'll just on Monday to make up for it! (Or who knows really. I don't think people are expecting me to be as on top of things with this essay as I was with the Natsume one ;-;)

Last time we talked at length about Mikan's habit of choking when she's trying to tell Natsume something important, as well as the relationship between her alice and Natsume. Today, since the group is finally face to face with Z, we'll see exactly how Mikan's feelings have grown over the course of this arc. We'll also witness a tragedy unfold, and Mikan's reaction to it.

<- Prev Next ->

Chapter Forty

This will be a short chapter analysis because Mikan isn't really doing much now, but you get it.

Mikan comes to in a dungeon, by herself, with only a skeleton for company. She’s separated from her friends, who are all probably in danger as well, and she has no idea how to escape. She imagines Hotaru’s voice scolding her for freaking out and crying. She began this arc with Hotaru’s wishes for her to smile no matter what in mind, and now she’s faced with that wish again. She wishes she could be stronger, like Hotaru, that she can be cool and figure a way out so she can reunite with her friends.

I always loved that skeleton. So cute.

But she’s scared and alone, especially of the skeleton, so she forces herself to laugh instead. She needs to focus.

She’s always haunted by her complex about smiling and crying, especially now. Things may be dire, but she can’t escape easily, even if she stops crying. In fact, the best she can come up with is to attack the prison guard skeleton who isn’t about to set her free. And then she meets her mom.

Chapter Forty-One

Yuka is looking at Mikan, her child, the child of her and her beloved, the only proof that the affair even happened, the dearest person in her life, the person she went through hell to protect. She did what she could to make sure Mikan didn’t have to suffer as she did, but here she is anyway, an Alice Academy student, trapped in the Z dungeon.

Meanwhile, Mikan is also looking at Yuka, recognizing her as one of the Z members, the woman who stole Yuu’s alice, part of the group that shot Hotaru!

Mikan might not be able to do much now, but she knows that she should keep quiet and not reveal any information to this person. So when she’s asked if she has nullification, she refuses to confirm. Instead she confronts Yuka for stealing Yuu’s alice and for shooting her best friend. She tells her that she hates her and all the other Z members, that she’ll never forgive them. 

Black and white. No visible nuance so there must not be any. Yuka didn't shoot anybody but she's responsible for all of Z's actions anyway.

Mikan is quick to make decisions about people, quick to decide whether or not she likes them. People are usually good or bad, and whenever someone she thought was bad reveals not-bad traits, she switches to thinking they’re good. Yuka, in Mikan’s mind, has no redeemable qualities. She steals alices and shoots kids! There’s nothing redeemable about that, especially since it’s so easy to ignore Yuka looking horrified at the fact that the bullet actually hit a child. It’s understandable that Mikan would come to these decisions so quickly in the alice world when everything seems so dire. Natsume attacked her when they first met, so of course she thought he was bad. Yuka hurt her friends, so of course she’s bad too! But the alice world isn’t just more dire, it’s much more complicated. The school forces people to behave in ways they don’t want to. It warps people and corrupts them and makes their actions more nuanced than “good” or “bad.” Mikan will slowly start to learn this, especially in terms of Yuka, but for now. Hatred! No forgiveness!

Yuka hits her own child with her bag, causing its contents to spill out on the floor. Enough childish nonsense, she says, and then reaches out to use her alice. It doesn’t work, thus confirming that she has nullification. It’s that easy. She scares Mikan with some threats about a sadist who had captured all her friends already, kicks her stomach, and then leaves. 

(Yuka and Natsume are so similar, acting entirely contrary to how they want to out of the desire to protect Mikan. They both have no choice but to hurt her when all they really want to do is show her affection. I want so desperately for them to have a conversation.)

Anyway, Mikan is back to being by herself with just the skeleton for company. She seems to have gotten accustomed to it, no longer frightened, but maybe it’s just because her attention is pulled to the vial Yuka kicked under her stomach. Mikan thinks this could be medicine for Hotaru, but that means that Yuka dropping her things and kicking her was all a way of secretly helping her, which is confusing because wasn’t Yuka supposed to be one of the bad guys?

Mikan does think about Yuka, "that woman," the mysterious SA teacher with her alice... She's smart enough to know there's a connection. There's just seldom a good time to linger on those thoughts.

Mikan reveals herself to be clever when it counts, pretending to be wounded from Yuka’s kick so the skeleton would unlock the door. She seizes her moment and runs for it, but she takes the time to apologize to the skeleton, even though she’d been terrified of it only a moment ago, before running off to rejoin her friends. Mikan is a sweet person. She saw that the skeleton had been concerned for her, and it makes her feel bad. Again, she’s a good versus bad type of person. The skeleton showed her kindness, which means it’s good, even if it had been keeping her imprisoned. 

She’s eventually able to find her friends again. She’s been so worried about them and is so relieved to see them again now, that she runs out to join them, even though there’s obviously some kind of hostile situation taking place. She’s distracted and careless, so she’s almost hurt, except that Natsume saves her, pulling her out of the way and shielding her with his alice. 

Forever one of my favorite pages!

He rescued her! And it could almost be a touching moment, except that when he turns around, he doesn’t say he’s relieved she’s okay like Tsubasa or Ruka would. Instead, he’s pissed and instantly berates her for acting without thinking. “Do you want to die, stupid?” which echoes what she had asked him after interrupting his suicide attempt. They have both saved each other with their alices now. The difference is that he had intentionally put himself in harm’s way; her own thoughtlessness is what led to her being in danger. But he keeps going, telling her that they could lose her again with that kind of attitude, and Mikan is shocked. She’d seen his reaction before falling into the pit, seen how frightened he looked for her, and hearing more confirmation that he didn’t want to lose her is surprising. 

AGAIN. Only a little while ago, Natsume told her he didn’t want her around, that he hated everything about her. Now he’s swooping in to save her, telling her he doesn’t want to see her hurt. He was obviously lying about hating her, for whatever reason. The attacks keep coming and Natsume keeps countering them, protecting her, using his alice. In no time at all, he’s injured, with blood on his face, but he looks just as determined as before. 

This is when it really gets through to Mikan. He’s different from the other kids. He acts like an adult, like a soldier. He takes on responsibilities without question and looks at the world in a way the others can’t fathom. He went through some scary stuff to be able to get to this point. “He always stands with a strong back, no matter what,” she realizes. And that strength came from experience; it didn’t suddenly manifest. He had no choice but to become like this. It’s interesting to zero in on her comment about his back, because that’s the part of him she sees the most. He’s always turning away, always distancing himself. He walks away, his back’s what she sees. She tries to connect and he resists, remaining a mystery. But this time, when she sees his back, it’s because he’s shielding her with his body, standing in front of her to protect her. She can see him now. She’s looking at his back, but what she sees now is someone who cares about her and wants to protect her. She sees someone who has never been protected himself. (Mikan’s hair, Natsume’s back, bla bla bla.)

I have a lot of thoughts on this scene that I have trouble putting into words so I couldn't include them... but damn, am I right.

But he commands her to stay behind him, not to leave him, because he will protect her. 

And Mikan is reminded of what she said before, about wanting to protect her friends from alice attacks with her nullification. She had said that when Natsume had asked her what she wanted to do for them. He’d viewed her then as an equal, as someone who could contribute something instead of just a brainless and useless little girl. She had said that, but here he was, protecting her instead. So she stands up, gripping Tono’s alice stone, and tells him not to worry, that she can protect herself. She wants to help him too, to be his strength. “Don’t let yourself be hurt so much anymore,” she says. Natsume might be a hostile jerk, a person who lives a shadowy and mature life she couldn’t imagine, a person who always thinks of the needs of others. But Mikan wants to protect him.

It is worth noting, of course, that Mikan did need to be protected when she first entered the room. She was thoughtless and careless and almost got herself hurt. But now that she is aware of the situation, she can protect herself and her friends instead of holding Natsume back. Remember that Mikan's goal, aside from helping Hotaru and Yuu, is to prove herself: to be stronger, to be capable of sacrifice and protecting others. The thing is that achieving that goal isn't quite so simple, which we'll see later.

Firstly, that she wants to be "strong" enough to protect others and not have to be protected. Secondly, that she sees that Natsume is never protected, thus inspiring her to protect him, that she views him as something fragile. Thirdly, that she wants to make him stronger instead of being a burden on him. This was all her plan after all.

Z takes advantage of their moment of distraction and pretends to attack Ruka. But Mikan, demonstrating yet again her usefulness, is the only one to realize that it’s a hallucination, but she realizes it too late. She’s taken away, which is a problem because her alice was the only thing that could protect the rest of them from Mihara’s medusa alice, which he uses against Tsubasa as soon as Mikan is taken to his side.

Chapter Forty-Two

Tsubasa’s foot is out of commission and Mihara has established himself as a far more competent villain than Reo. Reo was all kinds of terrible: kidnapping kids and planning to either sell them to slavery or enlisting them as child soldiers. But he is thoughtless, which means he can be easily outsmarted. Mihara makes sure Z doesn’t look like a bumbling group of evil airheads. Instead, he’s sadistic, composed, calm, and intelligent. It makes sense that the villains (Mikan's antagonists) should be increasingly cruel and sadistic, from Natsume to Reo to Mihara (or Z as a whole) to Persona and Luna to the ESP. Mikan's storyline and thus the manga's tone goes from a simple school comedy (where Natsume the bully is the prime antagonist) to this point in the story where things turn more tragic and dark (hence Mihara as the antagonist).

Keep in mind that this arc is important in shifting the mood of the manga, particularly in regards to Mikan.

Mihara captures Mikan and then instructs Yuka to steal the kids’ alices. Should be easy since they’re kids, right? Apparently not. Yuka’s alice isn’t that strong. So Mihara turns to Plan B: enlisting them as Z members.

Mikan understands now what Yuka meant by “sadist.” This man finds pleasure in causing pain, which means he won’t hold back. She can only watch helplessly as Mihara hurts each of her friends: Tsubasa, Ruka, and Natsume all get struck by the medusa alice. Her friends all struggle in pain, Mihara laughs in amusement, and Mikan just shouts and watches. There’s nothing she can do. She can’t overpower the adult keeping her still. 

Mikan is, despite her wish to protect and sacrifice, entirely helpless, which is perhaps the worst feeling of them all.

And yet, when Mihara uses his alice on Natsume one more time, Mikan has had enough. She does her best to attack Mihara, despite his superior stature and strength, grabbing at him to make him stop. She nullifies him and decides that, even though she’s been cast aside, she will do the one thing she can do: use her alice to make sure he can’t hurt her friends anymore.

Why must he attack Natsume twice in a row? Mikan cannot allow it!

Mihara commands Yuka to steal Natsume’s alice, almost like revenge for Mikan bothering him with her alice. You don’t like watching me torture him? Let me do it some more.

Yuka approaches Natsume. He’s incapacitated for the most part because of Mihara’s alice and also because all that fighting has tired him out. He just stands there and waits for her to come to him. Mikan screams for him to run, to get away, to save himself, but he just stands there.

The only sign that Natsume doesn’t want Yuka to get him is when he slaps her hand off. But he’s weak. Yuka overpowers him quickly, grabbing his wrist, taking his alice.

So Mikan screams for her to let go of him.

And her alice reaches them from all the way across the room, even though she’s restrained. 

This is my favorite instance of nullification in the whole manga. It makes me so happy.

Again I will repeat that Mikan works best through specifics. Wanting to protect someone, but a hundredfold. This time, it’s I don’t want Natsume to lose his alice.

But it’s actually more than that. Mikan knows from her realizations last night that Natsume hates his alice. She knows that Natsume’s life would be much easier if he didn’t have it anymore. He’s the one person in her class who doesn’t like his alice, who would prefer to lose it. This is his chance. Mikan can see that too. It’s not precisely that she doesn’t want Natsume to lose his alice; it’s that she doesn’t want to lose him.

If Natsume lost his alice, he’d leave the school. He’d be alive, probably healthy and happy. He could be with his family again. But she wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. They wouldn’t have their little arguments. He wouldn’t surprise her with random compliments or touches. He wouldn’t be able to make her happy. She wouldn’t be able to solve him, to figure him out, to find out everything about him. She wouldn’t be able to spend time with him anymore. She wouldn’t be able to make him happy. She wants him to stay with her.

The wish is even stronger, even more specific: I don’t want to lose Natsume.

Long story short, this is proof of Mikan wanting Natsume as opposed to simply tolerating him or "taking what she can get." She doesn't want to be parted from him.

Mikan has always used her alice up close, and almost always through contact or at least proximity. She’s always tackling people or hugging them, and she was only able to nullify Yuka or Narumi’s alices because they were close to her. Natsume and Yuka are all the way across the room, but her alice is so powerful it stops his alice from being stolen. Sure, Tono’s alice might have helped, but Tsubasa had already pointed out that there was very little left in the stone. This was powerful because that’s how badly Mikan wanted to keep Natsume with her.

The rest of the chapter goes by quick. Mikan got her wish: she acted as Natsume’s strength enough for him to be able to cause an explosion that turned the tide of the fight, letting her side win. Yuka stabs Mihara and then offers it to the boys to cure them of their petrified limbs. The building’s self-destruct switch activates. The group manages to find a tunnel out of the building just as it’s about to blow.

Mikan has a moment where wonders why Yuka would help them. She gave Mikan medicine for Hotaru and then healed the boys and led them to the tunnel that would save them. There’s still the question of “good” and “bad,” but Mikan can’t figure out where Yuka lies.

Chapter Forty-Three

The vial Yuka got for Mikan has fallen under some rubble. Mikan is doing what she can to get it. When Tsubasa tells her to leave it, she shouts that she can’t. This is what they came here to get, after all: a way to help Hotaru. Mikan won’t leave without it. But Pengy finally shows its worth, squeezing between the rock to retrieve the vial. 

Success! Things always work out! Good always prevails!

There’s a moment of bliss. They saved the vial so they can all head back, safe. There’s nothing else to worry about. It’s all worked out. 

But they’ve stayed too long. The floor breaks under her and although Ruka is able to pull her up, Pengy is still in danger. They do what they can to try and save him, Tsubasa dropping Mikan down a little so she can grab it--but she can’t reach and they’re running out of time.

Pengy understands that if they waste anymore time trying to save it, they’ll doom themselves and be caught in the building’s self-destruction. So it does the only thing it can. It lets go.

Sometimes success comes at a cost. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you lose.

Mikan has been enthusiastic this whole time about having Pengy with her, like a good-luck charm from Hotaru. She insisted on letting it tag along, even when it caused problems and even when Natsume fought with her over it, even when the situation was dangerous. In the end, bringing Pengy was a good choice, since it saved Hotaru’s antidote. Without it, Mikan would have had to leave this building and go back to school empty-handed. 

But this was a dangerous mission, and sometimes people get hurt on dangerous missions.

We see the group again once they’ve gone through the tunnel, back in the forest. Mikan calls for Pengy and then announces that she’s going back for it. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp that it’s gone for good, and she needs Tsubasa to grab her by the shoulders and explain it clearly to her: Pengy is gone and can’t come back. It sacrificed itself and that’s the only reason why the rest of them are alive. Mikan says “No,” and “I don’t want this.”

Mikan, whose life has so far been a school comedy, takes a while to grasp the permanence of this loss. People don't lose (or die) in comedies. She is still naive to how harsh the world can be.

Pengy’s “death” or sacrifice or whatever you want to call it is deeply tragic (makes me cry everytime, even at this very moment, as I write), but it serves an important purpose. It is not tragedy for the sake of making the reader cry; it’s narratively significant.

Each character involved feels this loss: Ruka, who loves animals and has a sensitive disposition was bound to grieve for it; Tsubasa, who had taken a leadership role over the kids and Pengy failed to protect one of the group, but is in the difficult position of grieving while also comforting Mikan; and even Natsume, who had reviled Pengy from the start, feels grief and guilt. 

We get an interesting glimpse into Hotaru as well. Her alice works in a very intriguing way; it’s not simply inventing. Anyone can do that with enough creativity and technical knowledge. Her inventions are unique, sure, but that could just be credited to her bizarre imagination. (How fun is it that Hotaru’s inventions are never sleek and mechanical, but always inspired by nature and animals? They are always cute and dynamic--very much like Gaudi in the sense that she also breaks typical rules and looks to nature for more intuitive designs.)

She can feel Pengy's loss, even with all that distance between them.

Even more than simply being able to create amazing and unique designs, Hotaru seems to be like Kaname in terms of her alice. Technical types don’t just create; parts of their alice (or their soul, depending on whether or not those are entirely separate things) seem to be infused into their creations, meaning that what they make contains a part of them. Hotaru has been somewhat aware of Pengy’s actions (specifically Pengy; she’s not magically omniscient) throughout this journey. Hotaru doesn’t just cry now because she knows Pengy is gone; she can feel that it’s no longer around. Whatever part of her used to exist outside of her body is now gone. This gives us a much more personal glimpse into Hotaru and the connection she has with her alice and her inventions. 

And most importantly (for this essay), we have Mikan’s reaction. Mikan is the most like a child in the main four, the most innocent, the most outgoing, the most cheerful. This is partly because of what kind of person she is, but it’s also because her life has been relatively easy compared to the rest of the kids. She’s new to the school, so she’s not as aware of the corruption and exploitation as other kids. She’s faced bullies, but experienced little violence and very little loss. Her parents have always been gone, so her grief has always been there. There’s always been a connection and a hole, neither of which she can truly reach because she knows so little about them. Getting kidnapped by Reo was scary, but the moment passed and nobody was really hurt. She, Sumire, and Natsume all got out of there relatively unscathed. Good prevailed, like it ought to. Nobody died.

I’d mentioned long ago that Mikan’s story is reflected by the seasons, right? It’s autumn.

Autumn represents change, reflection, slow maturation and eventual harvest, and even loss, just like plants begin to die before winter.

Mikan took off on this adventure to save her friends. When asked what she would contribute, she said she’d protect everyone with her alice. She told herself that she would become stronger, like Hotaru. That she would become the kind of person who doesn’t cry. She protected and was protected, but in the end she couldn’t protect Pengy. Autumn represents loss, and Pengy is Mikan’s first real loss.

Pengy is the first loved one Mikan has to lose. It’s interesting that when she comes to in the forest, she declares that she’s going back to save it. There’s nothing to go back to--the building has been destroyed--and there’s no sure way of knowing that they could get back to it the same way anyway. She can’t accept that Pengy is gone; instead, it’s been simply left behind. Mikan, dear optimist, wants to live in a world where bad things can be righted with good, where people can be saved if you try hard enough, where heroes prevail, and the good guys always win. 

But Gakuen Alice--misrepresenting itself as a “school comedy” with magical children--is actually a tragedy, a bildungsroman (the story of a child maturing). In real life, the good guys can lose, people you love can die. I know that there’s a joke that GA turned around once Pengy died, that it suddenly became dark and depressing after that, but I don’t think that’s really the case. Mikan meets traumatized and abused children as soon as she enters the school. In fact, one of the reasons she goes after Hotaru in the first place is the rumors of children kept as prisoners. “Narumi will never send those letters to your grandfather.” The fourth alice shape. Mikan and her friends are kidnapped within the first twenty chapters. Hotaru was shot. I don’t think at all that Higuchi Tachibana meant to write a happy, lighthearted story. 

Natsume’s perspective creates a thread of shadow from the very beginning, like a warning that his shadow could spread over the rest of the story. The manga might start off cheerful, with abuse and violence and exploitation danced over, but that’s only because the story is from Mikan’s perspective and Mikan is a naive child. If this story had been narrated by Natsume, it would be dark and depressing and the humor and light would be notably missing. If it were Ruka, the story would be more restrained, perhaps introspective, suspicious. If it were Hotaru, it might be much more bizarre, clinical. But Mikan is cheerful, sees the silver lining in everything. These dark and depressing moments aren’t exceptions, or random events that break away from an otherwise cheerful story. This is the story of an innocent girl getting dragged into a terrible world that intends to break her, and watching her resist at every turn. 

Mikan says, “I don’t want this,” because she has noticed that the world has shifted without her realizing, that the story has been steadily building up to this moment, even if she'd been oblivious. It’s pretty clear Pengy was meant to die, to sacrifice itself, from the very beginning of the arc. Her idyllic pastoral life with her Jii-chan is in the past; this is the new reality. Slow maturation, eventual harvest.

She won’t realize everything all at once, because that’s not how maturation works and there’s more seasons to get through, more people to lose, but she has realized something important: strength has to be earned. Resisting a breakage is only possible if there’s something there to break you. Otherwise, there’s nothing to resist. Mikan both succeeds and fails in terms of her personal wish to be strong and be able to protect others. She has the willpower and the desire, and her alice is capable of protection. But where her strength fails is her naivete, her inability to grasp the nature of life, the inevitability of loss, the fact that sometimes you can't win.

The group does make it back to the school in time. 

Mikan is able to give Subaru what Pengy sacrificed itself for. Mikan got part of what she had been looking for when they all set off on this mission. She didn’t get Yuu’s alice back, but she got the medicine for Hotaru, though it came at a steep cost she hadn’t been prepared for.

This is a success, but it doesn't really feel like one.

Mikan and Natsume are very different people who have led very different lives. This moment might be sad for him, but he’s been on dangerous missions before. There’s always the chance that you don’t make it back, or that a teammate doesn’t. He’d known that from the start, which is why his presence was so valuable. He was the only one on the team who truly understood what they were in for, that this wasn’t a game.

But Mikan’s just a little girl. All the times that she’s felt helpless before were moments she could overcome--she discovered her alice or she was able to save Natsume after all--but this is the first time that the happy ending she’d imagined doesn’t feel so happy by the time she comes to it. She had no idea what kind of journey this would end up being, and she didn’t want it to be this way, which is why she argued so much with Natsume, and might be why she found it difficult to admit to him that he was right before. Saying sorry is telling him he’s right. Telling him he’s right would be admitting that he’s right about how the alice world works, that it’s most often life or death, a desperate fight for survival, and not the fun adventure she wants it to be.

Sakurano tells the kids to go back to their dorms. They’re in the clear and will face no punishments, as long as they go back to life like nothing happened.

A character like Natsume will find no problem with that. He’s been doing that the entire time he’s been at the academy. But Mikan has been traumatized in a way she hasn’t yet experienced, something that changed and matured her. Going back to normal won’t be possible for her.

What is normal, then? 

The story has so far been a lot of fun, a lot of cheer and humor and light-hearted antics. Mikan prepares a dodgeball game with her friends! She gets kidnapped but saves the day! Right after that, she organizes an event for the culture fest and then studies with her classmates! And then she watches somebody she loves die.

The story will still be relatively light and cheery, because Mikan isn’t jaded or cynical and won’t be. But her innocent positivity has to shift under the weight of what she’s witnessed. The fact that the story continues to be funny in parts is a good sign: Mikan isn’t breaking. But that doesn’t mean she hasn't changed.

Conclusion

I do feel the need to resist against the idea that Gakuen Alice "suddenly" became dark when it's been pretty dark from the start. The issue here isn't context, it's tone. Mikan is our protagonist so we see most things from her point of view, and thus we see the alice world from her perspective. As a result, the story seems light and happy, because Mikan is light and happy. That doesn't mean that the story is or was always intended to be light and happy. It is, in reality, a pretty complex narrative.

Tomorrow we'll wrap up the Z Arc and start moving on to the next season. I hope y'all enjoyed this part! It was emotionally taxing to write, and even to edit and format. <3

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[bornefaira]

me thinking about how meli.ssa openly ships jon.sans.a

[sanguineterrain]

Lampshade - s.h.

Based on this request. This ended up way longer than a blurb so I decided to post it on its own. I got a little teary writing this one---hit close to home for me. Hopefully I did your request justice anon

Summary: After an encounter with your high school bully, you're reminded that you don't have to be alone with your insecurities.

Word count: 2.2k

Pairing: Steve Harrington x fem!plus-size!reader

Warnings: fatphobia, insecurities, self-doubt, bullying, arguing (happy ending!) Steve is the sweetest angel baby mkay?

MAIN MASTERLIST | Follow my notification blog @sanguine-stranger for fic updates!

****

You feel like a lampshade.

It's been a long time since you've dared to set foot at a party. The last one had been Eliza Meyer's eleventh birthday party at her house. A kid had eaten too much ice cream and threw up on the carpet.

Tonight's party isn't much different. Whoever's house it is, it's already trashed.

Maybe you should've fought harder to do literally anything else this weekend, except Steve's puppy eyes are brutal. And you can't deny the guilt you feel already, forcing him into trips to craft stores and the bookstore instead. Steve deserves a girl who can have fun. It's only been a year since Steve was King Steve. You know you're part of his fall from grace. You know that. You never fucking forget it, frankly.

But you feel like a lampshade. Dimmed light, hidden. As insignificant as wallpaper. As tiny as a fly.

You're used to taking up space; used to telling yourself that it's okay you take up space. That you deserve to exist just the same as anybody else.

But this is not your place to take up space. You don't belong here.

Steve is getting drinks. You'd opted to stay in the living room, not wanting to attempt navigating a kitchen full of drunk young people. Steve had kissed your cheek and promised a swift return.

"Hey!"

You turn. French manicured nails curl around a red plastic Solo cup. Andrea Burgess has the same big hair you remember from high school, hairsprayed and teased to the heavens. She will probably marry some schmuck and pop out three or four viper babies who have her fire hazard hair. Poor kids.

Andrea is all smiles, razors hidden beneath pearly whites. You remember how she'd dumped pudding over some poor band kid's uniform in junior year. How she'd terrorized girls in the locker room. How she'd terrorized you.

Maybe she doesn't remember you.

"Didn't think this was your scene, Y/N."

No such luck.

You nod tightly, praying she'll leave you be.

"Aw, c'mon. Nothing to say? I know your mouth is big enough for extra cafeteria pie. Surely you can spare a hello."

"Leave me alone, Andrea," you say.

Her eyes light up. She loves when her victims beg.

"Heard you're going out with Steve Harrington now. Like, I knew you were pathetic, but I didn't know you were a liar."

"It's not a lie. Steve's my boyfriend."

That only fuels the fire. You've seen the bitter jealousy before. Girls have no idea what the hell Steve is doing with someone like you. They're confused, then angry, hurling daggers with their eyes. You never mention it to Steve. You can't bear to see realization in his own eyes. He'll wake up from a fog. They're right. What am I doing with you?

Andrea laughs. "What, as like, charity work?"

Your eyes begin to burn. Where are you, Steve?

"Leave me alone, Andrea." Your voice is weaker now and sounds more like a plea.

"What're you gonna do? Chase me down?"

You are a lampshade. You are a feather floating in the wind. High school is past you. Andrea means nothing.

Oh, but her words hurt. You've always been sensitive, too soft. Steve thinks you're a dream. You feel like a raw nerve.

"You know, Steve used to make fun of you too."

Your blood runs cold. Andrea clocks your reaction and keeps going.

"You think he was above that? Look at who he dated. I mean, God, Nancy Wheeler's not winning any prizes, but she's tiny."

Nancy is beautiful. She's also incredibly smart and has become something of a friend. But that voice has always been there, sounding suspiciously like Andrea Burgess. A reminder that Nancy had Steve first for a reason.

"S-Steve would never do that."

Your voice wobbles. You're trying to be strong but you can't. You'd hoped all these years would've toughened you up but you can't do it. The Andreas of the world will break you every time.

"Called you every name in the book," Andrea informs you keenly. "Big girl and built like a linebacker. He was real creative. You're a joke to him, Y/N. He'll get you out of his system and move on."

Steve has never mentioned your weight or appearance. Kindly, he calls you beautiful, gorgeous, pretty, sweet, lovely. He akins you to a shrinking violet, a flower that just needs a little coaxing to bloom. He asks for you to let him take you shopping. You never seem to want to go shopping with him. Baby, how come we don't go to the mall? I have style, I swear!

You don't mention your weight to him in fear he'll notice. Steve will notice, and then he'll realize what a huge mistake he's made. So you keep quiet. Maybe he won't know. Maybe you'll get to keep him. Steve is a patch of golden sunshine in this hellhole.

You love him. The thought, however frightening, is there, real and true. You don't want to mess this up. You'll suck in your stomach and cover all the mirrors if that's what it takes.

"He's already ditched you," Andrea continues cruelly. "Probably glad to be rid of the dead weight."

You can't take anymore. You run.

Andrea doesn't follow you. There's too many people in the hallway and your vision is blurring fast. You go upstairs, blindly checking doors. Your hand hovers over a knob to a bedroom. The thought that Steve is inside with someone else briefly crosses your mind. You sprint down the hall, away from that thought.

You find the bathroom and lock the door. Then you sit on the toilet lid. And you cry.

You try to keep quiet. The bass from the speakers thumps below, but still. You can't risk anybody finding you. Least of all Steve. Steve would ask you about what happened. Steve would want to fix it, because Steve always wants to make things better.

You can't be fixed. He can't know.

Your nose is snotty, tears clumping in your lashes. You grab the edge of the window sill and cry harder. Your chest aches from lack of air but you can't stop.

You have to calm down if you want Steve to take you home. You'll need an excuse, though. Sick, you feel sick. You threw up. Steve won't question that. He'll touch your forehead and coo and you'll never have to talk about tonight.

You scrub your face with cold water. Your eyes are puffy from crying and you can't smooth your frown no matter how hard you try. You wipe your face with toilet paper.

You can't look in the mirror too long or you'll break and start crying again. So you spin on your heel and unlock the door, slipping out. The hallway is still empty. All of the noise is downstairs. Your secret is safe.

Steve will likely be searching for you. Hopefully, you haven't been gone too long. You can say you got lost, or caught up with an old friend. You're a terrible liar, especially to Steve.

Andrea's words creep back in. Maybe you're lying to yourself too.

You wipe your nose with a knuckle and swallow. You just need to keep it together for another hour. Then you're home free.

Steve looks like he belongs here. Two cups in hand, coolly perched on the edge of the armchair, Steve Harrington is certainly somebody's king.

Andrea touches his arm and giggles. Steve's barely looking at her. A wave of nausea turns your stomach.

He sees you and stands, shaking her off. But it's too late. You're out of Steve's system.

"Y/N? Baby, where are you g—"

You barrel through the crowd by the front door. You don't care about your jacket in Steve's car. You'll walk home if that's what it takes. Anything to get away.

It's more than chilly tonight. But the air feels good on your face, hot tears having returned. You scrub furiously at them.

You should've known. Why hadn't you seen it? You know better than to let your guard down around somebody like Steve Harrington. To think he could want you. Who are you? You're never making that mistake again.

"Y/N!"

Steve is running. Of course you had to go and fall in love with a guy who's athletically inclined.

You pick up your pace.

"Go 'way, Steve!" you hiccup.

Your voice is hoarse and raw from crying. You know Steve can hear it.

"Y/N, honey—"

"I'm walking home," you shout, voice cracking. You ache so bad. You want to stop and break right there on the sidewalk.

He catches your elbow. You wrench your arm away. When you turn, Steve looks like he's been slapped.

You keep wiping your eyes but the tears are coming too fast now.

"Y/N, what happened? Tell me what happened," he begs.

You cry harder and bend, holding your arms. Steve steps forward, hands fluttering over you.

"Baby, baby. Please, I need you to breathe, please. What hurts? Tell me what hurts."

"I'm your joke," you grit through tears. "You've got me out of your system."

"What?" Steve gasps. "What are you talking about?"

"Look at me!" You're too loud. You've never been this loud with Steve. "Look at the fucking big girl! Did you have fun?"

"Y/N." Steve looks like he's close to breaking. His eyes are glassy. "Please stop. Please. Don't call yourself that. Was it her in the chair? I pushed her away. I don't even know her name, I—"

"Her name is Andrea Burgess. And you're all the same. You lie," you grit. "I love you and you love girls like Nancy. You would’ve laughed at me back then and you—you—"

Your hands ball into fists. Steve gently takes your wrists. You want to fight, want to push. But you can't. You're not strong enough. So you collapse.

Steve holds you like you might float away if he doesn't. You cry into his shirt, clutching fistfuls of fabric. Steve folds over you, shielding you from it all. He rubs your back in slow circles.

"I'm sorry," you sob. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—"

"Baby, stop. Y/N. Sweetheart. Stop, stop it."

Steve takes your face in his hands, thumbs wiping your cheeks. He kisses your forehead ever so gently. More tears spill.

"I'm not strong enough for her," you choke. "She got in my head. I'm sorry, I'm sorry—"

"Y/N, hey, hey, no. I should've been there. God, I'm so sorry. You don't have to face this alone. Whatever she said isn't true. You're not a–a joke."

Steve looks like the word makes him sick. Your arms curl around his neck. He cradles you like you're something precious.

"I don't want to lose you," you whisper. "I'm sorry I said those things. You've only been good. You deserve better."

"Baby, you're not gonna lose me," Steve replies brokenly. "Is that what you think? That I'll leave?"

"I wouldn't blame you," you sniff. "You could have anybody. I couldn't even go to one party without ruining it."

"You did not ruin anything. Okay? She said those terrible things. None of it is true. You are not a joke or something to get out of my system or any other horrible shit she said. I don't—I'm not like that. I would never hurt you."

"I know you wouldn't," you say shakily. "I know, I know. She said you teased me and I know you didn't, I know that."

"But there were people like me who did," Steve says quietly.

You sag. "You're not like them."

"I could've been. If I hadn't gotten some sense knocked into me..."

Steve shudders and tightens his grip.

"Is that why you didn't tell me?" he asks.

"I... no, I know you're a good guy, Steve. I just—I was scared. I am scared. You might wake up one morning and decide you can do better than me."

"Hey. Listen to me." Steve backs up slightly so you can see his face. "You are the most incredible person I have ever met. Nothing is going to change that. Okay? You're beautiful and I love you. I love you. Not despite anything. I love you for you."

Your eyes burn again. You bury your face in Steve's arm.

"I didn't mean that stuff."

"I know," he murmurs, cheek on your head. "It's okay. I can't—I don't know what that kind of hurt feels like. But I know I'd never want you to feel it. So will you do me a favor?"

"Hmm?"

"Promise me you'll tell me if you’re feeling like this?"

The wind cuts through with a whistle. You don't feel it with Steve around you. He rubs your arms.

"I promise," you nod.

"Thank you," he says and gently tilts your chin. "D'you want me to pull the car around?"

You shake your head. "That's okay. I wanna walk with you."

Steve takes your hand.

"Next time we'll go to the bookstore," he promises.

"I don't wanna force you to go," you sigh. "You like these parties."

He shrugs, kisses your temple.

"Nah. Party Steve was a long time ago. 'Long as I'm with you, I'm good. I've got you."

You smile and kiss him, bumping your nose with his. Eventually you pull away. Steve clears his throat, suddenly bashful.

"So back there... you, uh, love me?"

Your eyes widen, heart pounding. Don't back down. You're safe here.

"Yeah," you say softly. "I do. I meant to tell you in a far nicer way, I swear."

"You could... say it again?"

You grin. "I love you."

Steve is sunshine. No more hiding in the dark for you.

"I love you too, baby. So much."

And your insecurities won't disappear overnight, true. But you won't face them alone. Not anymore.

[dannyboyzone]

Why these Lookism Bad Guys are liked, a rant by me

Alright, so I have came across a post talking about how Johan is hated on despite being a "bad person", and trashing other characters for absolutely no reason other than guilt tripping people. I personally think the post is immature, but due to my own personality and mental state, it has still got me kind of pressed, because it all sounds ridiculous. This post will be about some people in Lookism that are viewed as a bad people and or are hated on, and why I think they are liked. I won't speak for everybody liking these characters, and it will include some characters that I hate. This post is just to give a general idea for people who are really ignorant about why some characters might receive love. You might have come across that post, and if not, I am talking about this one below. - Well, only a small part of it, that threw me off. -

I didn't include the person's username out of respect and also so they don't feel attacked or anything of the sort.

Before starting this off, there are a few things I would like to say. If I sound petty, I truly don't care. I never saw anybody hating on Johan, at max maybe give criticism, I also don't hate Johan or try to disvalidate anyone's feelings, just get some things straight. Liking someone's looks does not immediately mean you are attracted to them, neither does liking the person's look you are attracted to mean you are toxic. It means you are loving. If you like someone's personality, you will find them beautiful consciously or subconsciously. If someone finds a character handsome, it is not a crime, people have types and preferences, and if they do it's none of your business. Hating good looking people doesn't make you woke, neither hating on people who are attracted to good looking people. What are you, Crystal Choi? And yes, people will be attracted to looks, it's a normal human act. People will notice if they find someone more attractive or unattractive which is not a bad thing. What is a bad thing when they start treating people different because of it. I assure you, most of the lookism fandom that I have came across doesn't do that.

This post will not include Seong Yohan because I never saw him get hated and I don't think nobody knows where he is coming from.

Samuel Seo

Yeah, so what seemed to be a surprise for me is that not a lot of people like Samuel, or at least understand why the people liking him would. Now, I personally feel no romantic attachment towards him. - Which is yes, normal, even if he is fictional. It's called fictophilia and I better see no judgement about it. - However, I do love Samuel a lot, and would love to care for him and grow a strong bond. To me, Samuel is not a monster. At all, believe me, Samuel isn't liked only for his looks. For me, personally, I love him so much because I can relate to him. I absolutely hated him at first, but grew to love him because he is human. He is complex, has a hard life and isn't perfect. That's exactly why I love him, and someone else I really adore does too. Yes sure, as you grow to like someone's personality, you find them handsome and or pretty. It's so much easier to say someone is pretty than to say, 'Hey, I love this person because they helped me go through so much.' Not everyone has the same love language, not everyone is comfortable with blunt affection. Besides, Samuel can and will achieve anything he wants. He has SO much sides to himself, not just 'good looking violent guy with big tits'. That's not Samuel at all. Besides, if PTJ oversexualises him, it's hard to not notice his body.

Yes sure, Samuel hits women, but I personally, don't f%cking care. Your vagina doesn't define if you deserve violence or not, your behaviour and the person's you face personality does. I am personally someone that doesn't mind violence as long as the person deserved it, because some scumbags in this world do. If they happen to be a woman, that's not on me, they shouldn't have done whatever they did. If you are not a violent person, I am not even sorry to tell you this, but you are probably sexist. It's not like all women are fragile and unable to get hit. Besides, if his violence is the problem, why is it fine that he hits men? Because men can handle it? According to statistics women have a higher pain tolerance. By your logic, you should call him out for hitting anyone in his way. Stop acting like hitting women is a necessarily bad thing, start saying that hitting innocent people is a bad thing.

If you must hate on him, maybe use the fact that he killed his abusive and neglective parents. Don't give a hard time to others for liking him though.

Ahn JongGun

Does Gun seem like a bad guy? Absolutely, he has done some horrible things. Then why do we like him? Because he seems to have a smaller character development coming, he has so many things to him and he is an absolutely incredible and complex character. I am very curious of his background and what caused him to be so violent and yet so calm. I like him because he allows himself to be human. From his religion, to his knowledge of material arts, to his adoration towards Vasco's material arts teacher - I forgot his name, so excuse me for that -, to his attention to details, to his fashion sense, it all makes him human. It's nice to see someone be a human, instead of just 'hot guy' or 'villain'. He is a nice character that brings many depth to the story. I could list a hundred of reasons why I love him, and no, none of it is his "weird" fashion sense. I do find him incredibly stylish, I just think some people in this fandom don't understand fashion. - Oops, I guess. - My main reason to liking him is that he is most likely either bisexual or pansexual. That he has a crush on Daniel. I might seem like I have a weird fetish or something, or that I am a crazy "fangirl". That's not the case though. I am a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and while not huge, I adore the hell out of the representation. It's nice to see such a smart, elegant and powerful guy be the representation. Because he is a character that's not there simply to be gay and full of stereotypes. Like, no hard feelings if you fit into stereotypes, but as a person who doesn't fit into them, it's a refreshing thing to see someone that's allowed to have many sides to himself other than just 'the gay friend'. Of course I am sure there are a lot of people who have many other reasons to love him, like his endless knowledge of material arts. There is so many reasons to be interested in his character, and just because you can't see it that doesn't mean others are blind to it too.

Yeah, he might have slept with countless women, but the main reason you can't count it is because he never stated the amount of women he slept with, neither did anyone else. Sure, he did say that Daniel is better than any women he ever slept with, but for all you know that could have been 3. Even if, it doesn't matter. He could have slept with 3, or 70 women. It doesn't matter, because not everyone's sexual life will reflect your own. And other people's sexual life is none of your business. Sure, you can say it's only fiction, and that I am overreacting, but when it comes to such small or personal details, people tend to put their own personal view into it. It's really not fine to shame others for their sexual life. As long as he uses protection, and didn't make anyone pregnant and doesn't play with the feelings of anyone, who gives a f%ck.

Some people tend to lash out sexually if they experience trauma or stress, and no, I don't mean they go and r%pe people, I mean that they go and have sex with different people who give consent. Even if he doesn't do it because of that, why does it bother you so much? Sex isn't a disgusting act. Some people like it, some people don't. Whatever their decision is, as long as no one is hurt, you should respect their decision.

Kim JoonGoo

Alright, this got me f%cked up. Goo is such a good character, and no way he would ever cheat on his S/O. He has morals and a lot of good sense in himself. Sure, he might have said that Samuel will be his secret friend, which led OP to believing Goo would cheat, but that's... a terrible reason, in my opinion. Gun knows that Samuel works for Goo, and Goo owns up it too. Besides that, nothing, absolutely nothing would lead to the fact that Goo would cheat. Because he wouldn't.

Now, why do I like Goo, and why some other's might like him too. He is such a well put together character, unpredictable yet so simple. He damages people to a point they have to retire, doesn't get scared of murderer, is a money maniac and hates his boss. You would think, he is dirty and fits the "gangster" stereotypes. That's not the case at all. He is more hygienic than most of the characters of lookism, if not the most hygienic one. He hates drinking and smoking, doesn't have tattoos - not that there is anything wrong with that - and is incredibly patient.

He might be a money maniac sure, but his ability to control money so well the way he does just shows how high his IQ is. I find that amusing, since it's something hard to do. What I completely love to the moon and back about Goo is his creativity.

When he gets into fights, he is patient and maybe let's himself get hit a few times. That's a good thing because he has time to learn about what he is facing. I think that's neat, because not a lot of people think about that during fights, and he taught me to do that. Also, the way he harms people is very creative too, no matter how harsh that sounds. He stabs people with chopsticks, kicks people with a glass piece stuck in his shoe and harms people with a katana. It's all so unpredictable yet fits him so well. I really love the way he fights and handles situations because it tells so much about him. Also, he is so fun, who would do karaoke after beating a bunch of guys unconscious? Only your one and only Kim JoonGoo. He is such a fun person to study and to read about.

So, no, I will not put up with the bullsh%t that he would cheat on his s/o, because he is a very respectful and none judgemental person. Just because his fights look violent to you, and his friendship with Gun unstable, that doesn't mean he is a bad person. It just means he is different from you, and yeah, he does f%cked up things, I won't deny that. That's exactly what makes him an interesting character.

Xiaolong

Now, I personally don't like Xiaolong that much, so this will not come from heart, but a place of logic. For a disclaimer, I am not caught up on the latest chapters, because I want to binge read it.

Now, even though I do not like Xiaolung, I can see why other people would.

He is a responsible person, who takes good care of himself even though he has to look after Vivi 24/7. He is not only good in his job, but takes it very seriously too. He isn't afraid to take action to make sure his job is going smoothly, and that everything is on it's place. He would do anything to protect Vivi, which can be appealing to some.

And from what I saw from spoilers, he is very strong. No, admiring his strength does not make the person toxic or fragile. It means they find the place in their heart to appreciate the type of struggle and hard work he puts into it. He has an unique way of fighting, which I could only see a small portion of. However it's clear that he must be impressive. I completely understand if people find that neat.

Also, Xiaolong seems like such a f%cking loyal person. That's so incredibly important. A lot of people can find that appealing, for various reasons. I am aware there are poly people, or anything similar to that, but loyalty is so important for some people and can form a very deep sense of love.

Yeah, he might take care of Vivi when she is drugged and let her get away with drugs but consider this that's his job. He is payed to do that and swore to do his best in it, as it's very important to him.

Outro;

Yeah, I don't care, like who ever you want to and defend them, but if you drag down other characters and guilt trip people because of liking specific characters, you are not going to be "woke" or special. And I will find you, and e a t you. - For legal reasons, that's a joke. -

That is not the only post that I saw shame those characters and people who like them, but is the one that made me messed up.

This fandom absolutely loves shaming people if they love the character design and looks of their favourite character. Let me tell you something though; You are missing the point of the whole manhwa you are reading.

Finding people attractive and beautiful is completely normal. Treating them differently because of that is not. As far as I am concerned, I never saw any lookism fans hate on characters they find less attractive. - Rather on the attractive ones. -

People have a type and that applies to looks and personality. Literally everyone does, even if it's unconsciously.

If you want your favorite character to get more love, don't make other people's comfort characters look bad on purpose, because in their eyes they aren't simply the bad qualities you see in them. And if you highlight them at least make sure they are true or at least reasonable bad qualities.

Well yeah, that was my little rant. And I didn't even mention the psychological aspects of why each character is like, or in other words what people they might attract. Or, the difference kind of personal life experiences people had to go through to appreciate each kind of little detail about the characters.

Yeah, this is the end of my little rant. If this post will get actual mature answers and discussions, I will make a similar one for Vinjin, Logan, Olly and Jiho. Yeah, I hate all of them, but other people might not.

END

[kazewhara]

# rules !

XX. dni/byf.

⇢ minors, PLEASE be cautious. the risk of nsfw content is high here. i don't mind you reading non-nsfw things, but if you do come across it, do NOT read it, please.

⇢ racists/homophobes, you are NOT welcome here. i'm black and lgbtq+, so you wouldn't like my stuff anyways. the door, please~ 🚪

⇢ people who invalidate neopronouns, for the love of all that is holy, stay away. thanks.

I. general.

↳ this is a genshin writing blog! i write and reblog x reader content primarily for genshin, but i may write or reblog for bnha as well!

↳ i don't have a problem writing feminine readers (afab or she/they pronouns), but i will take longer to write those, or sometimes, may ignore them altogether for my own personal gender dysphoria reasons. whenever i write these fics, i tend to put myself in the place of the reader, and while i am afab myself, i have a very complicated look on my femininity, and that may reflect in my writing. i don't want to give you guys lackluster drabbles and things of the like because of my personal issues, so please understand that i am heavily biased towards gender neutral readers.

↳ for genshin, i generally only write the male characters, but i am open to writing for female characters as well.

↳ because of the possibility of suggestive/nsfw content, the reader is always aged up (18+). therefore, MINORS, BE CAUTIOUS.

II. requests/asks.

↳ will keep updated in the pinned post, but as of now (10/12), i am taking requests!

↳ my ask box is always open, so don't hesitate to interact, ramble, or share hcs/scenarios with me!

↳ if there is anything that you want to request that i didn't put in the "what i will write" section, feel free to ask in advance or use your best judgement, and i'll try to fulfill your request to the best of my ability!

↳ please keep in mind that i do have a semi-busy schedule, so some things make take longer to come out that others, and i do have the right to decline/delete requests or asks.

III. characters i (mostly) write

↳ albedo, kazuha, aether, xiao, diluc, thoma, & childe.

↳ i write other characters!! but i'm particularly biased towards the ones i listed above!!

IV. what i will write.

⇢ fluff, angst, hurt/comfort, hurt/no comfort, jealousy, aus, yandere, slow burn, friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, strangers to lovers, self-inserts, blood, injury, character/reader death suggestive content (smut), dom!reader. . .

⇢ i will sometimes write (or post) about ocs/self-insert characters i have made!

V. what i will not write.

⇢ dubcon/rape, abuse, incest, excessive gore, self-harm/suicide, underage, vomit. . .

⇢ i will not write the ocs of other people simply because i don't wish to mess up something that you hold dear.

⇢ HOWEVER, if you give me details, i may TRY. the same goes for self-inserts; if you'd like me to write something for you specifically, i'll need details.

VI. miscellaneous

↳ i may hold events! it'd be nice to interact with you guys and a good writing exercise for me if people participated <3

↳ i'm a full time student, so please understand if i move slowly!

↳ i'll be making a google form soon for anybody who wants to be tagged in writing, hcs, or things like that!

↳ this isn't my main blog! if you see @kaedeharq liking stuff or following you, that's me, i'm sorry </3

↳ my spam is @sanzakura ! (even though i kinda.. talk a lot here, anyways.)

↳ i'm still a writer in development, so i apologize in advance for any lackluster writing or typos or anything like that. (also i'm on tumblr mobile;;;)

✧ i don't have a post schedule per se.. this is all for fun, but i do need to keep my brain active! please abide by the rules and let's have fun! ✧

[ahsxual]

My Little Chaos

Pairing: Ledger!Joker x Reader

Request: "Hi🥺🥺🥺 can you do ledger!joker headcanons of a s/o who’s very very clumsy (kinda tripping over their own feet, walking into things, just someone who’s a general CLUTZ)"

Warnings: annoyed J (nothing serious)

Word Count: 702

A/N: Thank you once again for requesting this, anon! I hope you will see this, and I'm so so sorry for taking so long to post it, my motivation vanished and I didn't want to write just because I had to do it, I want to give you the best I can do. I'm sorry for this headcanons being so short too and I admit this isn't my favorite fic... Anyways, it was still so fun to write it, I hope you enjoy it 💕

(I don't own this image!!! If you own it, please message me and I'll give you the deserved credits)

As long as you could remember, you've always been a clumsy person, or at least more than most people: you're constantly walking against objects and people, tripping on the ground, on the stairs, even on your own feet.

It wasn't your fault, tho. It's just who you are and as long as you don't hurt yourself and/or others, you don't need to worry about it.

However, you were afraid of your “psycho” boyfriend’s opinion: you tried your best not to be so clumsy in front of him, but as normal and expected, you couldn't carry that mask and hide that evident characteristic of yours from him much longer.

The first time you stumbled on the ground in front of J, he made a joke about it for a few seconds, then continued to do whatever he was doing. But the moment he knew that was a regular thing, he thought it was a little strange. He even asked you if you were hurt and if you just didn't want to tell him

You had to assure him you weren't hurt or hiding anything from him, you were just a very clumsy person in general.

He found it weird in the beginning, even getting a little annoyed everytime you went against him or tripped on nothing in particular. But as time went by, he got used to it and actually found it kind of... cute.

Everytime you would walk on the streets, he would make you walk in front of him, so if anything would happen to you, he would catch you on time. He didn't tell you the reason why, but it was obvious enough. It was so funny and cute to see him being so protective and worried about you, but that's just how he was.

At home, it was quite the opposite... : since he knew you were safe (as safe as you could be), he would purposefully put little obstacles on the ground, or move the tables a little so you couldn't notice the difference, just to see you stumble all over again. He would laugh hysterically until he couldn't breath, but you wouldn't let him have it: you would do similar things or other pranks so you could get your sweet revenge. Most of the time it worked and you never told one another, but you had so much fun in doing it.

Truth be told, he would always laugh at you or make a joke about your clumsiness. However, if you ever tell him you don't like it when he makes a joke about it and that's an insecure of yours, he will stop immediately... or at least will reduce the amount of jokes.

As you know, J really likes you: if not, you would be dead already. So, since that's a truthful fact, he wouldn't mind about your downfalls. He himself has plenty of them, so why would he care about yours since you accept him too for who he is, even when anybody else dared to do it?

You are his little bunny, his clumsy doll, his sweet cheeks, so for him you are already perfect even with all your insecurities and downsides. That's why you are meant for each other, because no matter what, you will always be there for one another, during the good and bad moments, and will always accept each other for who you are.

He won't admit it, but now that he knows you so well, he's always expecting for you to trip over something just to watch your cheeks grow more red than ever and your embarrassed cute expression.

He didn't know what love was or what it meant, what it meant to feel such strong and addicting emotion for someone. He didn't believe in love at all, but since he met you, he finally learned what was to feel butterflies in his stomach again. You proved him that the impossible could be possible, and that he won't ever forget: he persevers and protects you like you're the only diamond in a world full of misery and chaos, and only him has the greatful luck to have you.

He loves teasing you, but above all, he will respect, take care and protect those who he deeply cares for... which happens to be only you.

[imo-chan-imagines]

『 Haikyuu!! Week 2020 | Day 2 』

· Sept. 26th → One Ball, Heart and Soul ·

Characters: Sawamura Daichi, Testurou Kuroo, Bokuto Koutarou, Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru, Terushima Yuuji

Prompts: A. favourite position/role + B. travel/journey

Tags/warnings: Haikyuu!! (anime), PG, fluff, crack, headcanons, HaikyuuWeek2020

A/N: I found it so hard to pick a favourite position/role, because they're all so interesting and important, and I love everyone 😭 But I settled on the role of captain because of the headcanons I thought of. Captain Sqaud, assemble! So, want to find out what these boys are like on a road trip?

(Just to be clear, I do love all these guys. None of this is hate 😂) All my Haikyuu Week 2020 posts will be SFW, but I have some NSFW stuff on my blog, too. Feel free to check that out~ Thanks for reading! Please enjoy ♡ Imo~

☆ Sawamura Daichi ☆

Dad-chi™

Comes prepared with all the food, drinks, snacks, med kit, camera – literally everything you could possibly need on a road trip

Plans out the route beforehand down to the tiniest detail nothing gets past this man

As well as multiple backup routes in case there's diversions etc.

Plans for regular breaks at two-hour intervals where everyone can pee, stretch their legs, buy anything they need, etc.

He's the one who's driving he's not letting anybody else get a scratch on his van, lmao

And he's good at it

No speeding he's a cop, y'all but he doesn't dawdle either, no running red lights, turns corners well, keeps an even foot on the gas, etc.

Just a good time, tbh

Nobody is getting car sick because of him that would be a damn disgrace

"Stop fighting right now, or I'm turning this van around"

And will actually do it if you don't stfu, lmfao

Don't even think about making a mess and dropping your rubbish in the van you'll be walking home

Everyone else thinks his music is boring and for old people, but Daichi honestly doesn't care

Besides, it's either that or no music at all, because he needs to concentrate on the road

He takes this shit seriously. People's lives are in his hands, dammit!

☆ Testurou Kuroo ☆

Likes to switch between driving and riding shotgun/being designated navigator

Is fairly decent at both

Is constantly eating something but, like, he probably doesn't even know what it is

Some kind of edible is shoved towards his mouth by whoever's riding shotgun, and in it goes shut up. Not like that, you cretins 😂

Somehow manages to behave like an overbearing grandparent and an overexcited child at the same time?? Nothing new there, I guess 😂

I'm sorry, Kuroo, I love you. Please don't be mad 😭

Has a banging playlist full of throwback songs from the 90s and early 2000s

Drums along sofly on the steering wheel or dashboard constantly

HATES driving in rain he's low-key terrified he's going to aquaplane

Likes driving with the windows wound down and feeling the wind in his hair

Will plan the route, but then forget to save it/print it off, etc.

Cannot work Google Maps or SAT-NAVs to save his life Kenma, please help him

Actually packs properly balanced meals, but is heavy on the snacks, too

You'd think he'd drive too fast, but he's actually really responsible

Constantly telling dad jokes to try and keep people amused the groaners are the best

Would probably fight someone at the gas station if they started being a dick and causing trouble

Kuroo, baby. I love you, but please don't get arrested 😭😂😭

☆ Bokuto Koutarou ☆

Dear God, do NOT let him drive leave it to Akaashi, I'm begging you

Has really bad spacial awareness in a vehicle and drifts all over the place

Probably speeds without even knowing it, too

Likes to ride shotgun, but is a terrible navigator, so is nearly always made to ride in the back

Is the loud one that moves around too much and blocks the rear view mirror strap him in tight, Akaashi

Belts along at the top of his voice to whatever music is playing, he's not fussy

Was told to pack essential items in his backpack and proceeded to fill it with sweets and snacks and a pack of condoms??? and thought he did good

Bokuto: Bro, you said they were essential

Akaashi: NOT FOR EVERY SITUATION

Rarely ever has to pee, but when he does, it's always miles away from any service station, and he has to hold it for hours

Has definitely peed at the side of the road multiple times because he couldn't hold it any longer, but he wasn't even embarrassed as numerous cars zoomed past

Likes sticking his head out the window like a dog on the motorway which gives everyone else heart attacks

Like, get the hell back inside you maniac 😭

If the car has a sunroof, he's 100% standing up through it with his hands in the air just you try and stop him

And they will. Everyone will try

"HORSES!!"

Will get out of the car in traffic jams to find out what's going on and end up chatting with random strangers until it starts moving again

And he's very sad when he has to leave his new friends. Droopy hair and emo Kou for the next 2 hours :(

Unironically enjoys playing 'I Spy' for hours at a time

Is a bit much to handle in such a confined space for hours on end, but he's just so excited for the road trip

Will fall sound asleep in a matter of minutes if you set him up with a travel pillow and it's freaking adorable!!

☆ Ushijima Wakatoshi ☆

No music whatsoever it's distracting. Why would he want it?

Okay driver, brilliant paper-map navigator

Will sit and do absolutely nothing but stare out the window the entire trip if he's neither

Breaks too hard and accelerates too fast, though

Is also kind of heavy-handed with the gear stick he may or may not have snapped one off before...

Never give him a SAT-NAV, though, because he will follow the directions with 100% accuracy and end up driving through a wall or some shit don't try and deny it

Does he ever even blink when he's looking at the road? We may never know

Might be astral projecting, who knows

Forgets people need toilet breaks but refuses to make unscheduled stops

"Just hold it in"

Uh-huh, sure. That's how that works, Toshi

No snacks

Or rather, no fun snacks. Protein bars and mineral water all the way, babyyyy 🙃🙃🙃

Could probably drive all through the night without taking any breaks but that's irresponsible

Don't do it, kids

Will likely devour the entire KFC menu at the service station he's big, okay? He eats a lot

Is prone to leg cramp after long drives oh look, he needs a massage 😏

Doesn't get car sick. Ever. Upset stomachs are for the weak

Has garbage and recycling pouches on the backs of the front seats use them correctly, or feel his wrath

Isn't exactly a barrel of laughs, but it's somehow endearing just like always *happy sigh*

But it's actually a good thing

There's no hidden side to Ushi or any bad or annoying habits that come out of the woodwork on a long road trip

He's just the same old reliable, adorably straightforward Ushijima ❤

☆ Oikawa Tooru ☆

Calls shotgun and demands the aux cord every. Single. Time but it's pretty decent music, so no-one really complains

Not that he's any good at navigation pray for Iwa-chan

Is constantly taking selfies, making TikToks, and documenting the trip on his social media

#ROADTRIP #SQUAD GOALS #BETTER THAN YOU

Will send all the photos in the group chat when it's over, and they actually come out pretty well

Will not stop complaining if the air conditioning is busted and Iwa-chan will threaten to dump him in the middle of nowhere if he doesn't can it 😂

Iwa-chan: I shoulda left you on that street corner where you were standing

Oikawa: But'cha dIDN'T

Bonus points if you get that reference, lmao

Has to keep taking breaks because his butt hurts when he sits down for too long because it's fLaT

I'm sorry, Tooru 😭😭 Forgive me. I love you, really

Is constantly on his phone

But he points out pretty views and interesting sights to everyone all the time awww

Low-key needs to pee all the time, but gets defensive if someone brings it up please stop bulling him, travelling is hard

"Are we there yet?"

Seems kind of annoying, but is actually just genuinely excited to go on a road trip and spend time with his friends 😭😭

Buys matching souvenirs for everyone in secret to surprise them with 🥺

When people complain about all the photos, souvenirs, and enthusiasm, etc. and ask why he has to keep doing it, Oikawa says:

"I want to remember as much of this as possible. I want us all to remember as much of this as much as possible," with a sweet little smile 😭😭😭

And that's when everyone realises how mean they've been to him about being over-the-top and irritating, and they all feel terrible

Just like in the freaking anime, man

☆ Terushima Yuuji ☆

Will hijack the aux cord to play his incredibly niche music taste

Feet up on the dashboard when he rides shotgun

Shoes on is bad enough, but shoes off just stinks up the entire car you have to roll all the windows down, lmfao

Will break all sorts of road laws if you let him behind the wheel please don't

Daichi will come and arrest him 😭😭

Lives on energy drinks

That's all the drinks he packs. Nothing else

Travels in sports wear and sliders yes, even though you reallly shouldn't drive in sandals

Like he knows or cares 😭

Will chat to girls at the gas station and ask for their numbers, even though he's never going to see them again

"You never know, man! It could be, like, fate or something"

Yes, Yuuji, you do. And it's 'or something'

Thinks it's a good time to sext his current booty call because, like, he has hours of free time. What else is he going to do?

Probably forgot to pack actual food

Has to live off of snacks and cheap service station food for the duration of the trip

But not his own snacks, of course. Everyone else's one doesn't keep friends and buy one's own snacks

Genuinely doesn't realise if he's being gross or annoying, so let him down lightly like a bro and he'll probably make an effort to stop

Doesn't plan the route or anything, even if he's driving. Just punches it into Google Maps as he sits his ass down on the day and trusts it to get him there in one piece and on time

Entire Johzenji team: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

For some reason knows how to change a flat tire, though, so he's good for something, I guess 😂😂

Probably saw a YouTube video on it. Maybe a WikiHow article

Somehow still manages to be an endearing part of the trip??

He smiles a lot and makes a lot of jokes, particularly when things go wrong, so it keeps everyone's spirits up

It definitely wouldn't be the same without him

© imo-chan-imagines 2020

[that-typical-ty]

Spencer woke up to a splitting headache. His eyes not being quite able to focus on his surroundings. He thinks back to the last thing he can remember.

He returned home after a week long case at 10:28 pm. He placed his bag on the couch, after slipping off his shoes by the door. He then went to his kitchen to get a drink. When he went to grab a cup something heavy hit the back of his head. Now he was here. Hands strapped down to either chair arm, ankles strapped to the legs. The chair was old and wooden, possibly he could break out of it, but he was still dizzy so he wouldn't be able to get far even if he did.

The room was pretty dark, the only light coming though a few small holes in the wall. The space was small, metal walls.

Ah, all this thinking hurt his head even more.

He didn't have to wait long before he heard a creak and saw more light stream in from the doors in front of him.

"Oh good, you're awake." The silhouetted man said as he walked in. His voice was a deeper pitch than Reid's and seemed to be filled with a genuine happiness. "Didn't want you out for too long." The man seemed to be meddling with something, setting something up possibly.

Reid decides to do what he was taught, profile, empathize. "What's your name?"

The man laughed "uh uh uh," he said as if telling a child no. "All in good time, Spencer." The man spat out the name as if it was distasteful. "That's what you are called now right? Spencer? Ha, pitiful." The man steps back from the structure he put up. He pokes the top of it and a red light turns on as he steps behind it adjusting where it points. Not another camera. The man steps out of the room a few times each time bringing something back with him. Two chairs, some cords, a briefcase. Once he's finally set up he walks over to Reid who has been trying to figure out where they are, who this man is, and what all the stuff is for.

"Now," he says with a smile, "we are going to talk to some friends of yours. You will answer some questions, honestly, if you lie or try to pull any tricks, there will be consequences. Okay?" Reid doesn't answer right away making the man go from smiling to enraged in a second. He smacks him hard across the face. "I said, OKAY?"

Reid nods quickly "okay, okay." He whispers out, voice cracking a bit.

The man smiles again "great!" His voice is happy again. He walks back over to the computer typing a few things in before cheerfully saying "and we're live!"

× Back at the BAU ×

Morgan and Emily were laughing when JJ walked up to them "Has anybody seen Reid? He's not picking up his phone." She seemed worried. Most of them had been concerned about this last case, it was so similar to the Tobais Hankle case most of the team had kept a close eye on Reid the whole time.

All she got was two 'no's and a few more worried faces. "He's never late." Emily stated. "Here, let me try calling him." Her call goes unanswered as well.

Morgan sighs, the worry lines increasing on his forehead "We should check on him. Maybe this last case affected him more than we thought." The girls nod. Morgan let's Hotch knows what's going on and he gives him permission to check out their young genius.

When he gets to Reid's appartment he feels a slight wave of unease. He knocks on the door just for it to creak open under the pressure of his knuckles. He draws his weapon, pushing open the door further. "Reid? You here kid?" Morgan scans the appartment. Reids shoes. Piles of books. Reids shoulder bag. An open fire escape window. A broken glass. Some blood. Shit. Morgan holsters his weapon and dials Hotch. "He's gone, there's a broken glass, some blood surrounding it, the fire escape window is open. Looks like he was taken, Hotch."

"Alright, I'll let the team know, I'll send Prentiss and Rossi out." Hotch explains.

Hotchner walks out of his office and calls out for his team to meet him in the conference room. They all file in soon after him. "Reid has gone missing. Morgan went to his house and may have found signs of a struggle. Prentiss, Rossi, I want you to-"

Garcia bursts into the room, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. "Sir, you need to come see this." The team follows their distressed tech analyst. She opens the door to her tech room as she starts to explain what happened. "S-sombody hacked me. A-and they put a video feed on my computer. And- just look!" They do and what they see shocks them to their core. It's Reid, tied to a chair, blood on his arm and a light welt on his cheek. "I'm trying to track it now but I'm comming up with nothing."

"Now we are going to play a little game." A voice says cheerfully from out of the scene. Spencer glares at something behind the camera, following it with his eyes. A figure steps into frame with a brief case. Hotch is already calling Morgan to come back, informing him on what is happening.

"So, Spencer," the man said the name like he was mocking it. "How has my boy been?" Emphasizing the word 'boy'.

Spencer looked confused. "I don't know who you are, how can I be your anything?" The man laughs slapping a hand on Reids shoulder, the team doesn't miss the flinch.

"Haha, yeah, I guess it has been a while, hasn't it?" The man stands. "Well allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm Francis." He does an exaggerated bow with a smirk. Spencer stiffens, eyes widening in fear. Spencer tries to push himself further away from the older man. "Ah, so you do remember me." The man looks amused. "You certainly look different from the last time I saw you." He caresses Reids cheek.

"Why are you doing this?" Reid bites back. "I left you behind eleven years ago! Why now?" Reid was getting angry, emotional.

The team watches shocked at their youngest member, they had never seem this side of him before.

"Oh Reid, you don't get to ask the questions here." He opens the suitcase pulling out a what looked like the end of a fishing rod, without the line loops. He harshly smacks Reid across the face, a gash appearing on his cheek. "But~ if you must know... you are not the first in this mission. I'm just trying to clean up the filth of the world." The mans voice gets darker, angrier as he continues. "Your kind has tainted our world and I need to clean you up! To remind you what you really are! Scum that are just FAKING FOR ATTENTION!" He hits Reid again. He grabs Reids face and points it at the camera. "Why don't you tell them what you are, what you've done."

Reid shakes his head. "No, please... no." Tears slip silently down his face. The rest of the team are tearing up as well. Morgan just walked in. "I-I can't."

Hotch takes his role as leader back. "Garcia," the colorful lady snaps her attention to him. "Find out if Reid has any past with a man named Francis. We need to find him before he hurts him anymore." Let's try to find out where he is, profile this Francis and find out his next move before he can make it." The team nods and starts to do what they do best.

"Admit your sins." Francis' voice has a dangerous tone. "Admit, repent, and be forgiven."

Spencer looks absolutely terrified. "A-admit what?"

He lashes the poor boy yet again. "Don't act like you don't know!" He quiets down. "Everything. How much you enjoyed that day on the post. What Mr. Wyatt did, and how you loved every second of it. What a special snowflake you are. Who I am to you." He gets closer to the crying boy. "Tell them everything."

Reid takes a breath, composing himself the best that he could. Then looks Francis in the eye. "This isn't about me, is it?" The older man looks taken a back. "This is about you. I remember you, your father. He was always such a mean man. You told me that. He was a strict Christian who believed that homosexuality was a disease, a sin. But he never knew you were bisexual. When he found out he must have been furious."

Francis starts to get agitated. "Shut up. You know nothing."

Reid gives a sad chuckle. "I know more than you think. You got caught. The next day you had me to prove to your dad you were exactly how he wanted you to be."

"Shut up."

"Really, a twelve year old? You couldn't find someone your own age? Was I just easier?" Spencer gets louder, expressing his own rage.

"I said SHUT UP!" He lashes Spencer again. He reached into the case and pulled out a needle. "I heard you really liked this stuff. Dilaudid, right?"

Reid panics seeing the needle. "No no no no. Please! No!" He watches as the plunger goes down. He slips into the oblivion.

"Spencer." His mother said. "What a wonderful name." The nine year old kid broke down as his mother pulled him into a hug. "You know I will always love you, you are the best son a mother could ask for."

"Thank you, I love you too." He squeaks out.

...

"You're WHAT?" His father shouted. Spencer takes a few steps back. "I will NOT raise such a FREAK in my house!"

"I'm sorry." He whispers curling into himself as his father looms over him. "I'm sorry."

His mother steps in before a swing can come. "Leave him alone!"

"Fine, you wanna raise a FREAK? I'm leaving!" And he walked out the door.

"I'm sorry, mom." She goes to comfort her son. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry." Reid mumbles as he comes to. "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Francis asks as if he was genuinely curious.

"I-" Reid clears his throat. "I made my dad leave. It was my fault."

"How did you do that?" Same innocent tone in his voice.

"I told him. About me. Who I wanted to be. My mom was supportive, I thought he would be too." He stifles a sob.

"What else are you sorry about?" Francis asks, more deviously.

"The goal post." Reid looks up challengingly. "That's one you want to know right?" Francis stays quiet. Spencer looks to the ground as he recalls the memory. "A-after the football team was done with me, they left me. Standing there, tied up, naked. My geometry teacher got me down, but it came at a price. He-" Spencer paused biting back tears. "He wanted to have some fun with me too." He chokes back a sob turning to face Francis again. "Is that what you want?" He cried.

"Now tell them what you are." He says sauntering up to the broken agent. "Then I can free you before you commit another sin."

× BAU ×

Garcia hit the call button for the conference room, bubbling with anticipation. As soon as she heard the click she started letting out a rush of information. "Hotch, I found something about Francis."

"What did you find?" He asked, attention fully on her.

"Well, first his name is Francis Thompkins. Reid said he got rid of him eleven years ago so I went back. Reid would have been in high school. So I crossed everyone that went to a high school near where Reid lived with the name Francis. And I got a quite a few hits. But, when he said something about him being used, I looked into their histories and one had an accusation of sexual assault of a minor. A-a twelve year old. Who ended up dropping the charges." Garcia lost momentum towards the end. Everyone knew who the kid was.

"What about now a days? Businesses, house, anything in his name?" Hotch requests.

"Uh," Garcia types away on her keyboard. "Yes, yes. He works at a local restaurant, has a house and a storage unit in his name. Sending info to your phones now."

"Thanks Garcia." Hotch says as he hangs up. "Let's go." Everyone rushes out of the conference room, half going to the house and half to the storage unit.

× Reid ×

"No." He says firmly. "Not like this."

"Such a shame, I'll just have to send you to hell like the sinner you are then." He bends down to the briefcase one last time and pulls out a revolver. "And to think, you could have grown up to be beautiful, but you gave it all up." He stares at the gun as if looking at a loved one. "I really am going to miss you Sarah. You never did leave my mind, I was so happy to be your first, why not be your last?" His devilish smirk making Spencer go into a panic.

× BAU ×

"Yeah, Hotch we are almost at the storage unit." Morgan spoke weaving through traffic.

"We couldn't find anything at his house. His car is gone too." Hotchner states "Emily, JJ, and I are doing a sweep to see, if they aren't at the storage unit, where they might be headed."

"Alright, we'll call in if we find anything." Morgan hangs up as they enter the storage lot. They look around for the unit in Francis Thompkins name. A134. A red pickup is parked in front of it. They call Hotch and tell him that he's there before approaching the unit. The bottom of the door was left open. They can hear crying coming from inside.

"Please, just stop. Kill me. Please." They can hear their youngest member sobbing.

Morgan and Rossi carefully lift the unit door and prep their guns.

"FBI! Hands where I can see them!" Rossi shouts. Francis obliges. Putting his hands in the air. The gun was left by the case what he started to have his fun. "Stand up and turn around, slowly." He does, and when he's fully turned both men are disgusted. They realise what the man had been doing to their poor boy, who was bent over the chair hands and feet tied, pants pulled down. Both men try to control their anger. "On your knees, hands on your head." He does as he's told sending one last smirk to Reid, which finally breaks him as he starts to sob. Morgan helps Reid while Rossi cuffs Francis.

"I'll see you again one day Sarah." Francis cackles as he is dragged away by Rossi.

"I'm a boy." Reid mumbles. "Right?" He looks to Morgan.

"Yes, you are a boy. Always have been, always will be. No matter what that bastard says." He hugs the trembling kid. He quickly cuts the bonds on his wrists and ankles. Reid pulls up his pants. Morgan helps Spencer out of the storage unit and over towards the car.

Rossi meets them half way. "Police, ambulance, and the rest of the team are on their way." Spencer just nods. Morgan gently sets him down so he is leaning against the building. Before anyone knows what's happening Spencer is unconscious.

...

Spencer wakes to the sound of voices and beeping. He tries to open his eyes but it's so bright, he closes them again with a groan. He feels someone grab his arm. That gets his attention. He yanks his arm away, breathing erratic, eyes wide, trying to recognize who just grabbed him. "M-morgan?" He calms, settling back into the bed. "What happened?" He looks around the room noticing some of his other team member scattered about, not dating to move, as if they might spook him.

Aaron is the first to break the silence. "You had a mild concussion, and the drugs in your system were still in effect, so the doctors think, when the adrenaline wore off you crashed." Reid just nods at the information.

Reid looks down at his lap. "How much did you see?"

Morgan bites this bullet. "Almost everything, we didn't see the last few minutes, even Garcia turned it off, we knew you wouldn't want us to see you like that."

"I'm sorry." Tears start to well up in his eyes.

"Hey," Rossi makes his way toward the bed. "You have nothing to be sorry about." He rests a hand on the kids shoulder. Reid looks up meeting the mans kind gaze. "If anything we should be sorry for not finding you sooner." Reid pulls Rossi into a hug, grabbing Morgan too. JJ and Garcia walk in with coffee for everyone, and a jello for Spencer. He gives them both a hug and happily starts savoring his little gelatinous snack.

After a few minutes of banter and jokes Reid decides now or never. "Hey, I have something I need to tell you." The team's attention is focused on Reid in an instant. "It's about Francis, you deserve to know how I know him." The team stays quiet. "When I was in high school, I used to be a tutor.

"Hey, you must be that genius that's supposed to teach me history, right?" The older brunette boy says sitting across the table.

Reid adjusts his glasses. "Yeah, and you're Francis Thompkins, right?" The boy nods. "Alright, so first what subject is it and I need a time and place on where to meet you for your sessions."

The older boy slid closer to Reid. "Alright, American History, 1950-1980s important events and how about." He takes a piece of paper and a pen and scribbles his address on it putting it in Reids front pocket for him. "My place, at 5?" He leaves his hand there, it makes Reid uncomfortable so he scoots away.

"Sure, I'll see you at 5." Reid quickly gets up and walks away.

× 5:00 ×

Reid knocks on the door of the address he was given. Francis opens the door with a wide smile. "Alright, where should I put my stuff?" He asks walking in.

"My room is fine, follow me." He leads Reid to his room, filled with half naked ladies on posters, and bands. Reid places his bag by the end of the bed and bends to dig though it when he feels something pull on his jeans. He stands back up and notices the smirk plastered on Francis' face, something in his eyes he had never seen before.

"Then it was a blur, everything happened so fast. I couldn't stop him." Spencer held back his tears.

"Hey, it's not your fault." Morgan placed a hand on Reid's shoulder. He leaned into the larger man.

"I'm transgender." He says softly. No one says a thing. "It happened before I fully transitioned. Maybe if I told him I was a boy, he wouldn't have... if my dad didn't hate me and enroll me in the school with my dead name..."

"You can't blame yourself for someone else's sick actions." Aaron said firmly. "There will always be 'what if's."

Reid nods, "I guess you're right."

"We will always be here for you if you ever need anything, alright?" Morgan questions.

"Thank you. I love you guys." Reid mumbles, eyes becoming droopy.

"We love you too G-Man." Garcia smiles, as Reid drifts off to sleep.

They've got one hell of a road to recovery ahead of them, but what are families for?

[rosesanthology]

Escape Plan | Matsukawa Issei x F!Reader [mafia!AU]

This took me SO MUCH TIME to write aaaaaah it's not surprising that it's so long :0 i just have many many feelings for Matsukawa Issei ALSO im begging y'all to listen to the playlist before/as you read please !!

Im kinda pissed that i cant add a "read more" option since im on mobile tho :\

(Also ngl at first i planned to get one of the 2 shot but i didn't have the heart to go thru with it)

Warnings : Fluff, it starts with humor but at some point it gets angsty ???? Idk y'all tell me

- Au that could be considered as a ennemies-to-lovers type of situation

[Tags] : @raevaioli and @haikoo like i cannot stress this enough @haikoo this your main manz

- if you could only use one sentence to describe your job to a Karen it would be : stealing from the rich in order to trick other rich people

- you had been what the people would call a spy for most of your life now, the Tokyo based Nekoma Organisation being something close to a family

- you worked with both of your very good friends, Kuroo Testurou and Kozume Kenma

- Kuroo, the leader of your little squad, had been the first one to open up to you when you joined

- he was a gifted chemistry genius and you were sure he could make any poison or soporific out of the most random stuff

- he also had insane combat and physical abilities which made him fit to act in a lab as well as on mission grounds

- Kenma was a little more reserved at first, he was the same age as you but still was really reluctant to accept you as one of his own at first

- when he saw how much Kuroo trusted you and how interested you were in his work he slowly but surely found himself caring for you

- to put it simply Kenma, better known as "apple pi" was a hacker. His job ranged from creating computer viruses to full on enabling the security of whole museums

- despite his cute appearance and shy demeanor he was probably the scariest of you three

- finally, you Y/L L/N was the infiltration and weapons expert of the group, you could weild literally anything from guns, to swords to,,,,,metal rods (but you don't wanna talk about this one) and you were of great help when deciding which infiltration angle was the best in missions

- Kuroo, under the orders of Boss Nekomata, quickly taught you the dangers and ways of the job during your first months working with them, the organisation specializing in outsmarting rich bastards and stealing their precious ressources in order to make "better use of them"

- if they were hoarding a particularly efficient brand of medicine, your goal was to steal it all, and sell it to people in need for free or a low price

- if they were in possession of some important object like let's say,,,,,the construction plans for the emperor's new vacation house, you stole it, made copies to sell at a high price to the highest bidder and your good affiliate, the Fukurodani Corporation would keep an eye on the original as part of their personnal collection, you were fine with that

- yeah they were others organisations like that in Tokyo, your friends from the Fukurodani Corp of course but also the Shiratorizawa elite crime group with who you had worked a couple times before

- ah and there was the Yakuzas too....honestly they were the only group in Tokyo with whom you were still on dangerous terms with

- they didn't like Nekoma in their affairs and you didn't like them in yours, but you tolerated each other

- your boss had established a truce with the representant of the big Yakuza group of your area, Kondo "the viper" Takara, a truly scary woman who had blasted her way to the one of the top positions of the hierarchy

- she even had a cool nickname ヾ(｀ε´)ノ

- but you knew better than to mess with them

- all in all y'all kept doing your jobs well, not bothering anybody

- except for one remaining rivalry with some Miyagi group

- the Aoba Johsai Institution.

- well, rivalry would be a strong word because you kinda got along with that Iwaizumi guy, he was a great hand to hand combat fighter and you respected that

- the others however ? Trash. 👁3👁

- they seem to act like Tokyo will be their territory in the next 5 seconds flat like ??

- THEY DON'T EVEN GO THERE ????

- "they be acting like they can just swoop in and eat OUR rich" you had told Kuroo and Kenma one day over ramen

- spoiler alert : it was a bad idea cause Kuroo snorted and almost made the noodles go up his nose

- no but seriously they always seemed to take advantage of YOUR missions to attract attention

- how did they even know which missions you were on anyway ??? (Kenma and Kunimi are actually good friends cause they play video games together but he'd never tell you that)

- it's like that one time you infiltrated a business company's heir's residence and then you came across a dude named Hanamaki and you had the HARDEST time whisper shouting to him how blowing up the whole place was a bad idea to retrieve one (1) diamond

- at the end you felt so tired that you gave it to him anyway ಥ_ಥ ("just take it ffs" "really ??" "Don't make me regret this")

- they also had the single worst person ever on one of their teams.

- Matsukawa Issei

- just thinking about it made you want to take your metal bat and break something in your shared room with your two other friends

- seriously that guy was like the epitome of clownery

- he's also supposed to be his team's gun expert except that's not the best task for someone who refuses to take anything with him but his freaking FISTS

- the first time you had met y'all ended up being on the same case to assassinate some guy who had kidnapped some cute freckled kid from a place in Miyagi called Karasuno

- EXCEPT HE WAS IN TOKYO SO IT WAS YOUR DUTY !!! NOT HIS !!!!

- you had Kenma on the earbud telling you about the guy's position in the club you were currently one street away from. You were posted on the rooftop of a building with a sniper rifle ready to get done with it and go save the kid but GUESS WHO COMES IN FISTS SWINGING WHEN YOU LITERALLY HAD THE TARGET IN SIGHT

- and he had the nerve to look straight toward your rifle's aim and flip you off while smirking

- sir you're about to catch these hands🚶🏽

- he had knocked him out alright and he got the young boy out but you were NOT ready to let that slide so you quickly got down and crossed path with him at the back exit of the club

- "what exactly do you think you were doing in there ?" Listen. You may have sounded confident enough saying that but you had NO idea that this dude was like a whole ass giraffe

- and he knew he was tall so he had the audacity to say

- "sorry can't hear you so well from down there midget, i was just doing my job (▰˘◡˘▰)" if it weren't for the karasuno boy being right there you would have stabbed his kneecaps on sight

- anyway after that y'all just seemed to run into each other wayyyy too often

- insults were shared just as often tho

- "well butter my buns and call me betty broker if it isn't my sweet little midget shooting people !"

- "stfu before i choke you"

- "kinky but can you reach my neck ?"

- "you've sunk low enough"

-so yeah f u n  t i m e s

- aside from that, business was going great but Kuroo had had news of a very important mission for you but he insisted on letting Boss Nekomata tell you about it himself for some reason

- he'd never done that :(

- you were kinda hurt that your best friend was hiding stuff from you tbh :(

- and Kenma did not seem to know more than you for now

- so you spent a whole week just mopping around

- sometimes you would go and poke fun and the newbie Lev Haiba but it wasn't the same

- Kuroo and Kenma kept working on missions while you were left waiting for that one assignment that Nekomata seemed to keep you for

- until today when Kuroo finally told you that the boss was requesting you in his office

- ngl you were EXCITED

- maybe you would have to zipline down the Tokyo tower (σ≧▽≦)σ maybe he was going to let you take a chainsaw with you this time (σ≧▽≦)σ

- maybe he- "oh" you deadpanned, stepping foot into the office and seeing none other than your arch nemesis, Matsukawa Issei in all his pisces clown glory

- "why tf are you there shitty eyebrows"

- "i had a good day too Y/N ! thanks for asking :D" today was the day. You were 100% ready to kill him and the knife that was attached to your thigh strap seemed like such a good option rn-

- "stop it you two. Y/N take a sit" Nekomata gestured, as you didn't hesitate to listen to your superior even fully aware of Mattsun's eyes annoyingly following your every movement

-"Okay so. Y/N i know you may be wondering why Matsukawa's here but to put it simply we've been informed that a rich family have gotten their hands on one of Aoba Johsai's rarest item : a gold engraved katana that belonged to their first boss"

- "so what do you need us for ?" You didn't mean to use "us" but you knew better than to piss off your boss, he was like a parental figure come on

- "i need you guys to infiltrate an auction held by said family and steal it back in the span of one week. It's up to you to work together or not but keep in mind that our arrangement states that we're autorised to make copies of the katana for future sells."

- you guys nodded, after all you were professionnals before everything and you were about to leave when Nekomata put something on the table

- "here are the keys to your appartment near the auction site it'll be your hideout !"

-.....now this had to be a cruel joke-

- "id rather sleep under a bridge then live with her for a whole week"

- "wow this is the first time we agree on something Mattsun" the oh so familiar nickname dripped in venom as you said it, unsure of what was supposed to happen

- "oh yes you could but i suppose that you don't have the supplies and tools that you will definitely need during that mission :)"

- you locked eyes with the brunette for a minute before reluctantly stomping to the table and grabbing hold of the keys and adress written on a paper, storming out of the door,  letting out a loose "come on shitty eyebrows we have data to collect" to your new....partner ? Ugh it was about to be a long week

-  it turns out the appartment was a lot smaller than you hoped for, with two single person beds, a computer post and different storing purposed furniture

- it was a common thing however, because the last thing an undercover spy would want is to draw attention with a flashy hideout

- the first step was to gather information on who would be at the auction which shouldnt be too hard

- "hey ill take the lead and contact my friend so that he can determine who is going to be here" you said as you sat on the chair in front of the computer

- "mm yeah you do that ill check what kind of weapons have been provided to us" Mattsun had no difficulty finding them as the drawers well full of them....this was very promising

- Kenma had just sent you the list of people that had been invited to the event, and you recognised many names as being members of the powerful Yakuza group lead by Konda Takara, of course.....the infamous viper herself

- you called out to Mattsun to show him and briefly explained what they were up too and how they usually fonctionned

- the auction was to take place the last 3 days after an opening party, leaving the rest of the week for preparations

- they usually took their time in comitting their crimes so you thought that stopping them mid plan by taking advantage of it was the best way to get the sword

- Mattsun didn't have anything to say for the moment, seemingly thoughtful about the whole situation

- "just so you know" you started, already regretting the decision of talking in your head, "i don't plan on being friends with you anytime soon but i feel like for this we should at least try not to rip each other's hair out"

- "i never planned on that second option"

- "huh ?"

- "i hope you know that we've never had a single conversation without insults of some kind before so for the sake of both of us it would be better to actually get to know each other since we're supposed to work together"

- you hated to admit it

- but he was right

- however you didn't comment on it, opting for throwing him a dry "let's sleep" before plopping yourself on your own bed on the other side of the room

- this is about to be one hell of a week

-3 days had passed in the crammed appartement both you and Mattsun struggling to inform yourself on each specific individual that was going to be present at the auction

- right now, you were both sitting on the floor, wearing simple oversized shirts and pyjama pants and shorts, cheese pizza box laying on top of the document covered surface

- "Mattsun, pass me the paper about Okuda Takeda please" :000

- Matsukawa froze, because he knew that in 2 days of living together y'all had establised that you wouldn't be at each other's throats

- but hearing you using his nickname unironically and saying please ???? That was still something he had to get used to

- "what are you staring at ? Give me the paper shitty eyebrows >:[" ah there she was

- "thats my girl" he thought, handing you the document and resuming his own reading

- here's the catch : Mattsun was head over heels in love with you since like day 1 that Hanamaki told him about this pretty girl who let him take the diamond from his mission. He tried to repress his feelings as he had noticed that you seemed way closer with your friend Kuroo who he had seen on missions with you

- maybe you liked him

- he would understand, he seemed way more confident than him and he was also probably way smarter since he was a genius and all

- also the way you were always soft to him and not Matsukawa kinda got to him

- he wanted you to hug HIM after a mission too and NOT insult him

- but he judged it for the better as he still got to be close to you in his own way with the playful fights you always seemed to pick with him

- it was easier than confronting his feelings or rejection

- this mission proved to make things so much harder for him tho

- like yeah he saw you being a badass plenty of other times but now ?

- he got to see you being all clingy and grumpy in the morning (he never knew being called a dumbass while you were falling back asleep on his shoulder was his thing but hey) , got to see your nose scrunch up when you were focusing on mapping out the position of the vent system of the venue

- he could go on for hours about how much he loved you and your plan was not making it easy.....profiting off the yakuzas' plan took way too much waiting and he understood that you wanted it to go as well as possible but he just couldn't keep living like this until then

- it felt like torture

- and he did not want to see you in that gorgeous dress that you were supposed to wear at the auction during the infiltration

- he knew that a couple more days could drive him crazy and make him do dumb shit like kissing you

- he had thought about that a lot of times but never brought himself to do it because je knew it was pointless

- he had to take action now

- the night of the opening ceremony, the day before the Yakuzas would start their scheme

- both of you were laying in your beds, awake, that was a habit you had developped over the past nights, you were just, aware of each other's presence and then sometime you would ask him something about his life, his friends, himself

- it made his heart beat too fast everytime and he could feel himself falling even more by the second when he heard you giggling talking about the time you pulled a prank on your friend Yaku with Kuroo

- he knew that you were already very sleepy from the way you were slurring your words

- "Y/N do you hate me ?" He said, abruptly and he heard a strangled laugh coming from you followed up by the question

- "what's that for dummy ?"

- "please answer" he asked in a whisper, sounding almost desperate

- you took a second to think about it

-you had grown quite close to your tall partner in such a short period of time, even letting your guard down and stopping from being so defensive

- "i don't hate you....i could never" you said the last part more to yourself tho but Matsukawa didn't miss it, he wished he did as he heard the soft sighs coming from your now sleeping form

- his heart ached as he got up, putting on his black coat over his mathing turtleneck shirt, taking his gun and spare map of the auction venue

- you were totally going to hate him now....

- and then he left for the opening party

- the rain was pouring outside

- for some reason you couldn't sleep well that night

- that only happened whenever Kuroo was out on a mission at night or Kenma was working in his office

- you hated sleeping alone, you couldn't do it

- being alone was the one thing you dreaded the most in your life, death was nothing if nobody knew where you were, if nobody aknowledged your existence you weren't alive

- but Mattsun was there and you trusted him.

- yeah you were kind of an ass to him during like 90% of your interactions with him but you just didn't know how to talk to him ??? He was so strong and good at what he did so you couldn't help but feel admiration but also intimidation

- yet you've felt probably more comfortable with him than anyone in your life (yes even Kuroo and Kenma weirdly enough)

- it was a nice feeling

- maybe it was because you saw him differently than them...

- but anyway

- you felt like yourself around him

- and yet

- why couldn't you sleep ?

- "Mattsun ?" You called out to him, voice cracked from not having used it for a while

- no answer

- maybe he didn't hear you over the rain....?

- you had a bad feeling about this

- "Mattsun ?" You called out a little louder, sitting up

- yep definitely

- you turned on the light and to your surprise, Matsukawa was nowhere in sight

- your heart sunk at the realization

- you were alone

- what about the plan ? Ah its true that he never said anything about it

- did he not trust you enough with it ? Did he think you were too assertive ?

- you wanted to cry but it seemed as if your brain wasn't working, your body rushing on its own to check the date and time on your phone : past 10pm on thursday night.....

- the opening party !

- "shit shit shit he must have gone there to take them by surprise wtf is he thinking doing this alone?" You thought aloud, maybe it would trick your body into not being scared

- at this point you were terrified, rushing to get the red dress on as well as putting your 2 guns under each of your thigh straps

- is he alone ? Surrounded by highly trained and dangerous Yakuzas ? What if....you were too late ?

- you didn't have time to think too much about it as you knew that this kind of thoughts led nowhere.

- you had to infiltrate that party the fastest you've ever done in your life and see for yourself, luckily, the venue was only a few crossroads away from your appartment

- truth was Mattsun's plan was not so bad

- after all you had insisted on making him find info on every staff member there too so it's thanks to you if he just so happened to know what type of guy that one waitress liked in order to flirt with her and convince her that he had forgotten his watch in one of the closed off aeras of the venue

- the place was absolutly gigantic, after all it was a mansion bought will illegal money

- he hated this, he just wanted to get it over with, retrieve the sword, gtfo and go back to Miyagi forever so that he wouldn't feel the pain of the illusion of being by your side when you were clearly far ahead of him

- you'd always been anyway

- he had finally reached the generator room and opened the vents with much difficulty as the room was a mess of cardboard boxes and storage shelves

- he was just going to cut the power, which would take about 15 minutes to get back, allowing him to go thru the vents to the main hall that was right thru the wall to his side, retrieve the sword and just make a run for it

- hopefully the rain would cover most of the sound he made so that was even better

- see that would have been great if he hadn't felt the icy cold metal of a gun at the nape of his neck as he was fiddling with the generator

- he had been caught.

- it was the end.

- shit he fucked the whole mission over and now even you didn't have a chance to-

- "what exactly do you think you're doing Mattsun ?" You said coldly even tho the hurt in your tone didnt go unnoticed by the taller man

- "haha Y/N whatchu doing here on this fine night ? You look stunning btw"

- "Cut the crap shitty eyebrows i asked you a question"

- you finally lowered your gun allowing your harsh glare to show how upset you truly were

- damn, Matsukawa really felt shitty :\

- he'd never seen you like that- well not soaked from the rain but....so vulnerable to him

- all your feelings talks happened in the dark of night in your hideout, he'd never seen your face look so pained before

- "I did what was best for both us..."

- "bullshit." He wasn't sure that he believed himself either to be honest

- "what the fuck are you even doing anyway ? I thought you and i were in this mission together ?? Did nothing matter to you ? I finally think that i found someone who i could trust other than my fucking family and that's what you do ? Ditch me for your own profit ?? You did what was best for your damn self Matsukawa"

- you were upset. He got it really, his insecurities had gotten the best of him like they often did....except he didn't have the strength to confront them, to confront you about it. So he got it and he didn't retaliate.

- "so what ?? You're not even going to say anything ?? Not even TRY to fucking apologize ? Do you really don't care ?" You searched for his eyes, but little did you know that he just....couldn't talk nor maintain eye contact with you right now

- "Mattsun...i thought you and i had...something ? I don't know maybe i hallucinated or some shit but i thought we were at least friends you know ? D-did you ever tolerate me at all ?"

- your voice cracked, it got lower and it cracked, and at that moment he was sure his heart broke right at this instant too

- he wanted to tell you that that was the farthest thing from the truth

- he wanted to tell you that he loved you

- but you were too far. Once again, you were miles ahead of him, more than ever

- and the sound of voices coming from the corridor did NOT HELP

- you could not afford being found here so with the professionalism left in you, you pushed your feelings away and pulled Mattsun behind a shelf, crouching and waiting

- you were so close he could feel you shivering from the cold and he felt so so bad

- but now was not really the moment

- "didn't you hear shouting ?" Shit. Maybe you should have waited until getting out of here for your heart to heart because this guard was definitely not trippin

- there were 2, luckily they didn't have the idea to split up to search the room, all you had to do was move low and close to the walls in order reach the door and well....the katana literally could not matter less to any of y'all rn

- at this moment you really regretted going out in such a hurry completly forgetting to contact Kenma, he could have hacked into the camera system and told you were they were so easily.....

- anyway, despite that you guys were stealthy enough to get out if the room

- now the problem was getting out of here.....

- you held Mattsun's wrist loosely as you ran thru the corridor of the building, thunder raging and labored breathing filling the silence

- "Y/N we could get out from the rooftop !" Right....if you could only get there then maybe you could just parcour your way out of this by getting on other rooftops....damn you were glad Matsukawa always thought of every escape plan possible

- you didn't really mean what you said earlier

- yes, you were disappointed but, you were also scared for his dumbass

- and rn may not be the best moment to realize it as you were most likely in a life of death situation but....you loved him

- fuck you loved him so much that you were running in a goddamn dress right now

- "i truly hoped it wasn't you" said a voice from the end of the lobby

- of course it just had to be the Yakuza boss you dreaded so much

- Kondo was just standing there, arms crossed but you knew better than to take her lightly

- "did you come to retrieve it ?" Its funny how her voice seemed to dominate even the full on storm outside, the occasional lightning bolt shining light from the huge windows into the corridor

- "No....let us pass please we just want to leave" Mattsun felt how tensed you were and immediatly rested his hand on his gun handle under his coat

- "yeah sure sweetheart but only if you tell your guard dog to calm down unless he wants me to cut his fingers clean off" she threatened nonchalantly as her hand met the handle of her own katana strapped to her belt

- Matsukawa was deadass glaring at her so hard you didn't recognise him

- he honestly looked like he could take her on but...you didn't feel like testing this theory tonight

- "hey hey, it's alright" you soothed him, putting your hand on his arm and squeezing slightly

- it seemed to work because he quickly let go of his gun even tho he was still glaring

- "let us go" he said firmly

- she pushed herself out of the way and motionned with her arm as if to say "go on~" in the most theatrical way

- you passed her without issues and soon found yourself on the roofs as planned in Mattsun's escape route and made it safely to the streets, rain still pouring

- you were finally letting out a breathe you didn't know you were holding all this time

- you were alive and most importantly, so was he

- you turned around and were ready to say something when he cut you off by grabbing your arms and pulling you into a kiss

- it was short but it managed to get his point across very well as well as warm you up when he wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his forehead against yours

- "i love you Y/N....i swear i didn't mean to hurt you and put you in danger like that....if i knew i would have done things differently i-"

- "i love you too Mattsun and it's never been a problem to me, i've done way more dangerous things in my life than rescue my boyfriend from getting killed dummy"

- in the end, you weren't alone

- somehow he had become, your escape plan from it

[claymorecut]

Journey of a shipper: Kontae and how I fell for this ship?

OKAY! SO I'M FINALLY DOING THIS. Writing a long ass meta about this ship because hell, I love them and this ship is beautiful and I just need more content for this ship, so I'm making some myself! Before I start, it's just my opinion and I don't mean to offend anybody and second, I'm not a great analyst. I'm just going to ramble about stuff here and it's pretty long. So, enjoy!

I remember making this post about gintama ships back when I first started watching Gintama and I remember mentioning Kontae there. The sweet and kind guy falls for the hard-core and strong willed woman. A ship dynamic I really love. And their interactions, so damn funny I can't even say! And the 10 years gap didn't look like a big issue to me; they are both adults so I was okay with it. This ship looked funny to me, Kondou blushing, asking her to marry him, butt hair and all xD but also made me feel like "it may not get too far". But Idk why, I decided to stick with it. Because i was just so much in love with Kondou and Otae's characters. But in between all that, I really didn't see any kind of romance happening between these two and I was like maybe in an AU, they'd make a really good couple. It's not happening in Gintama 'cause I really don't see any kind of romance happening in this universe (and yet, I continued shipping xD)

But, I was wrong.

When the Yagyuu arc came and I watched episode 81. And my faith in this ship was restored. I know there were some ship-tease moments for gintae in the benizakura arc and the yagyuu arc but then this scene came:

I know, I know, it wasn't literal but what if it was? Well, that's not the question here. I was pretty surprised to hear this myself. Gintoki saying "She'll make it up to him" and Hijikata saying "She loves him. She's just playing hard to get" and all then Otae comes and saves Kondou from his Gorilla marriage. I got the verdict here tho. Maybe it was just for comedic purpose, maybe not. But still, it was enough for me to continue shipping them coz they looked hella cute and I just thought I'd just stick to it. Maybe, I'm gonna find something big soon. I found other ships like Hijimitsu and Gintsu! But that's a topic for another day.

AND, YES. I DID!

The pool arc came, which is like ep 217 and yes, nothing huge happened but remember how Gintoki was a making fun of Otae's breasts and how he wasn't interested in looking at her flat chest but Kondou, who was, like always, stalking her, then says he's ready to explore every part of her to find the nipple xD and Otae just punches him. Yeah that was funny. And then Tae later again comments that she can see right through Gintoki's actions and Gintoki retorts again by saying that he's not interested in her camel toe. Then this scene happens:

Kondou says he has no interest in camel toe and Tae again punches him while yelling "YOU DON'T?!"

Weird, right?

I know, it was weird for me too! But what can I say, these short details were what made me feel like maybe, JUST MAYBE, Tae has a thing for Kondou. Just look how offended she is. I know Kondou didn't mean to disrespect her neither was he rejecting her but I think Tae feels like he is. And so she goes like "what do u mean u don't?! Don't you love me!?" Even if it was just a sexual reference, it made me think that maybe, Hijikata was right. She does try to play hard and that there is something.

Then came the love choriss arc and I got a major hint.

How Sayaka-chan was Kondou's virtual girlfriend and how he introduced her to everyone in the Shimura residence. Yup then this happens.

This was stupid and weird and funny and my Kontae heart screamed "YER JEALOUS TAE!"

Just look at her going all dramatic while getting worried about Shinpachi. Well, of course she'll be worried about Shinpachi's well being and how her brother is just drowing into his own virtual world but Why. Throw. Kondou's. Game? If she really doesn't feel anything for him then there's no reason for her to throw Kondou's game. Why not let him stay in his own virtual world with his own virtual girlfriend? What were you planning, Sorachi-sama?

It was the very first time when it looked very evident to me that Tae has something for Kondou deep inside. That whole dramatic scream "THIS CAN'T BE!" just after Kondou introduced Sayaka-chan. I listened to that dialogue very closely and it first started with Kondo introducing her then Gintoki saying something like you're in this shit too? And soon was followed by Tae's dramatic "this can't be! Is Shin-chan going to be like this too!?" while throwing Kondou's game out and Kondou screaming "Sayaka-chan!!"

Tae's jealousy is still a mystery here but I still feel like, somewhere she was.

Moving on!

They went out on a date, which was a disaster and then alongside Kyubei in the Beam Saber arc, how Kondou fought for Otae I started to feel a lot more from Kondou's side. Yes. The stalking is a running gag but Kondou's feelings were given more comedic effect rather than highlighting it in a very serious tone. But that's how Sensei does his work. Gintama is supposed to be funny and this ship is supposed to be funny and I really wasn't expecting any intense and serious Kontae moment in the series.

Well, Sorachi-sama proved me wrong. AND I THANK HIM SO, SO VERY MUCH!

The Genderbender arc came, Kyubei is now this handsome hunk and Tae is blushing furiously and Kondou is this blond bombshell which is his too good! It's been shown over and over again that even if Kondou is a stalker, he just wants to see Otae happy. That's what he always wanted even if he isn't the reason for her happiness. When Jyubei and Tae starts meeting frequently, Kondou comes and encourages Jyubei to stop worrying about other and enjoy himself with Tae. He even says that he's happy with just being her friend and I think this proves how much he cares for her. He gives them those movie tickets telling he actually wanted to ask her out but now that he's like this, can't be with her like the way he always wanted to and now Jyubei is the only one who can take care of her. He was genuinely hurting but what matters most to him is Otae and so he leaves them while saying "if you make her cry, I'll arrest you". Even Kyubei later mentions it that it was him who was hurting and crying and he just happily sacrificed Otae so that she can be happy.

Then came the roach motel arc and OTAE WEARS THE KIMONO THAT KONDOU GAVE! Yes, not in the episode but in opening 15 she does and even in the manga cover! Ah..the feels. Well, coming back to the point, this episode was basically everybody bullying Kondou but the good part here was the ending of this episode. Kondou knowing that he was getting bullied and that Tae was a part of all this but he still says "that's how Otae-san is. This is what makes her, her." That was beautiful; he accepts her for who she is. He knows that she's brash and manipulative and even abusive but she's also kind and strong and beautiful; even after all her flaws he still continues to accept and love her. That's true love. And then comes Otae's part. She slowly starts to learn more and more about him, I think she knew he wasn't stalking her. And then she finally admits that she actually had fun with Kondou and that she got to see a new side of him while hugging that roach mask. She was happy to discover a new side of him, no stalking attached. I was so amazed to see this happening coz like I said, I wasn't expecting all these serious Kontae moments but these were actually happening. It was a breath of fresh air and I was really happy to see a developed relationship between these two characters which just made me ship them even more.

Then comes the love incense arc which was just....bizarre. What was Sensei thinking while writing this arc? Why would you do that to my poor kokoro!? But whatever, nothing is properly explained here, everybody is falling in love with everybody, Kondou turns gay, Gintoki just loses his senses and is sleeping with practically everybody, Tsukuyo's feelings for Gintoki starts to go havoc. But then, Tae and Kyubei comes in the picture. And they're in love with Gintoki too. But then, things change. Take turns out to be in love with Kondou! Hell, she was actually JEALOUS! Yes, it was the love incense and yes, this arc is just too crazy to explain anything properly but hear me out. What if, the love incense actually triggered some of Tae's hidden feelings for Kondou? Just like Tsukuyo's. Coz she actually saw Gintoki's dick first when she inhaled that smoke. Not him. But she ended up discovering her own feelings towards him. So what if this was the same case with Tae? We all saw that she was under the effect of that drug and was in love with Gintoki so Sensei, why this change of plans?

No answers, right? I don't have them either. It's just the little theory I came up with. What was Tae's real feelings? But soon the Shogun Assassination and the Farwell Shinsengumi arcs are followed after this.

And GOOD LORD! Sensei actually proved me wrong! By giving one of the most beautifully written scenes between these two characters.

It isn't always when Sorachi-sama actually decides to go for the romantic plot but in Kontae's case, I felt like he actually hinted a LOT. The very first ship in Gintama where I felt like no, this isn't just one-sided but actually, feelings were shown from both the sides, especially Tae. Like everyone, she misses him. But Tae remembering him like this and crying when she's about to get her neck slashed:

"A real man, a real samurai would never do something like this. That man, would never do something like this."

She knows him, she knows what kind of a man Kondou really is. And even at a time like this, Kondou is the man who comes in her mind. A true man, true police, a true samurai who not for once tried to force himself upon her. Not for once showed any kind of disgrace towards any other people or her. All this time, she comes to learn more and more about him and you know, it was worth the time.

Even Shinpachi sees it.

"I'll bring that man, and everyone, back to you for sure. So wait for us with the same old smile on your face, Sis."

Why exclude him from everybody? There has a meaning behind this and a deep one and tbh, I see a romantic meaning behind this. Shinpachi addressing Kondou like this, it was new. It's not always when Sensei uses such points to evoke a romantic gesture but when he does, it sure leaves an impact.

And this is not the last time he used such implications for KonTae. Fast forward to ep 316, Tae is at Kozenigata's place and she's now leaving. Haji and Konzenigata both tries to stop her because it was dangerous outside and the police organisation isn't working properly and she replies,

"That's exactly why police need to go back to their jobs, and cabaret girls have to go back to their job."

It's like foreshadowing their relationship- the police and the cabaret girl. And then Kozenigata just simply puts a cherry on top.

"They must have come back. Her police."

And Kondou pops out of that dustbin!

FREAKIN' POETIC CINEMA!

And then come the dialogues.

"Don't you think it's high time you stop doing this....You'll catch a cold."

"Why did you have to say that out of all days? I wish you had acted like always, called me a perverted stalker and hit me like you always do. You're....making it hard to say goodbye."

The voice acting, the dialogues, the animation, honestly everything screams romantic here. And yeah, the close-up happy-sad faces, if you've seen/read romantic anime/manga, you should know it's a shoujo trope used to display romantic feelings between two characters. And if I'm just making speculations, they're sharing the same umbrella...

Two people, especially a man and a woman, sharing an umbrella in rain is considered as a symbol of romance in Japan.

This kinda proves that romance is present in this scene.

And then finally this.

ANOTHER SHOUJO TROPE. THE CLOSE-UP EYES!

These eyes literally says it all. It's like Tae saying I'll wait for you and when you come back, I'll happily welcome you and then we can go back to those old days. Just like how Shinpachi said.

And I think, this is the very first and the only time, Sensei used this gesture. And this is just too much for me to not ignore it!

The way Kondou looks at Tae while talking to her, it almost feels like he's telling her to not look so sad. Like I've mentioned before, Kondou wants to see her smile. And i think, in this scene it's crushing for him to see her with such a sad smile on her face. That is the last thing he wants to see. That's why he said he wanted to see her react the way she always did. And Tae not acting like that and instead showing such emotions towards him, it's too overwhelming. Just think how Kondou would be feeling there. Tae seeing him off, her eyes glistening while she sees him walk away but also waits for his arrival in the near future, its simply poetic.

The reunion between these two is as funny as ever, Kontae was back in its own color. When Okita said Kondou was always okay with their usual type of setting, he meant to say that Kondou was happy in those old days. That's what he said in the FS arc, he wanted to see her in her usual self, no sad face, no crying, just a happy Otae who loves to beat the crap outta him but also respects him. Things really were pretty intense in the SA and FS arcs but I don't think Sensei wanted to continue this for long. It was like Sensei saying, we're back to the old days, happy days. The Silver Soul arc and the ongoing arc isn't as intense as these two arcs and that's what Sensei wants to say "we're back to those good ol' day". But that doesn't mean he threw away all those meaningful moments between these two; it was so heavily implied. Just because of a troll scene, one cannot disregard the whole development and say "it was never there" because of course there was something which was very much visible to the viewers/readers, even if it isn't present now doesn't mean it was all a joke or just some i-just-wrote-it-but-now-it-doesnt-mean-anything bullshit. Yeah, the ship isn't canon but that also doesn't mean it sank. I mean, Kondou is not gonna marry that gorilla anymore so....

Imo, KonTae is the only ship in Gintama where romantic feelings are implied from both the sides. It really didnt look unrequited. It's not only Kondou or Tae, it's both of them and both of them have actually shown interest in each other in a way which I won't say is completely ambiguous. The FS arc was the part where it is shown how far their relationship has come and how they have come to learn and respect each other, maybe even love each other. I'm not forcing these ideas on anybody, these are facts and I'm sure even non-shippers must have noticed these moments as well. Honestly, the romantic implications were heavy here, the scenes, the dialogues, the "Take care" which is just too beautiful to not to be ignored. Even if I don't see canon pairings happening here, I still somehow hope for this ship.

My love for Gintsu is eternal but Kontae, this is the only ship where I feel like has come a lot far. And even other characters have mentioned their relationship and in a serious note. Check all those subtle hints, pick up the whole FS arc, it's there. A relationship that started with a gag but now is fully developed where I can see loads of potential. It's a ship that's been here from the very beginning of the series and it didn't look rushed at all. Another universe of how I met your mother lol.

People can ship whatever they like and I'm really not trying to push my thoughts onto anybody here.

But KonTae, this ship is no gag or joke and it deserves more love.

It's stupid, it's hilarious, it's beautiful and it's properly developed and that's why I fell for this ship so hard.