#did not edit due to migraine

[fawnandshadows]

How You Get The Girl

Chapter 7

Chapter 6

AO3

Warnings: None

—————

“Can I get you anything?”

Elain looked up from her half eaten slice of pizza and saw Azriel towering over her. She bit her lip as she took in his tall frame — a blue flannel layered over a faded black band tee, ripped black jeans, and dark hair that curled over his ears. Two of his hands raised: one holding a red plastic cup and the other a heavy plate of pizza. 

Elain caught the glint of his safely pin cartilage piercing and the cigarette tucked behind his ear. 

She was not used to seeing him off duty. 

“No thank you,” Elain said, scooching over on the leather loveseat to make room. “You can sit. If you want to.” 

Azriel smiled as he sat next to her. 

“Did you eat enough?” Azriel asked, nodding to her plate. 

“Yeah, I have a shoot this weekend, so I might grab some salad later if I get hungry.” Elain admitted, a guilty smile on her lips as she lifted her pizza to take a small bite, proving that she was in fact eating. She hoped Azriel couldn’t notice how deliberately slowly she chewed. 

“I guess we could have planned the housewarming party a little better,” Azriel said with a furrowed brow. “Given you a chance to settle in and actually unpack. But I think some people just wanted an excuse to party.” 

Elain nodded along, still working on the same bite. 

“It’s ok. It’s the thought that counts.” Elain smiled kindly. From the corner of her eye she could see everyone on the makeshift dance floor — Cassian had turned off the lights and turned on the decorative fairy lights that Feyre had put up as decorations. 

Her grin widened as she saw Varian toss Amren over his shoulder. Her tiny fists beating against his back. 

“Maybe we can do something next week? After this weekend, when's your next shoot?” Azriel asked, bringing up a slice of pepperoni pizza and taking a bite. Even though his focus was on his food, Elain knew he was listening to everything she said. 

“Not for a month, and that’s for jewelry. They shouldn’t use any full body shots. Hopefully, I won’t have to be upset at Past Elain for being wrong.” 

Azriel nodded along, listening intently, and once Elain thought he wasn’t going to respond he said, “Do you ever post candid pictures?”

“Huh?” Elain asked, jerking her chin at the same time she took another bite. A string of warm cheese landed on her chin. 

“On your Instagram? I was looking at it. Do you ever post non-profession photos?” Azriel asked, his hazel eyes looking at her and falling to the errant string of cheese. 

He brought one hand up and used a thumb to collect the food on her chin. 

Elain should have been horrified at the fact that Azriel had clean food off of her face, but her mind was caught up on the fact that Azriel looked at her Instagram. Had scrolled through it. Had noticed something about it. 

Her mind tumbled questions like clothes in a dryer. Did he like her feed? Elain checked just that morning and she hadn’t noticed any likes from him, but maybe they got lost in her notifications? It wasn’t unusual that someone looked at her Instagram, there were only a handful of people that had more followers than her, but he had deliberately sought her out — that had to mean something, right? And why bring it up? 

“Elain?” Azriel asked, bringing her face slightly closer to his. “Food coma?” 

“Huh?” Elain asked, dazed and breathless. 

“I asked if you were in a food coma.” Azriel said, his eyes light with amusement and he gently squeezed her chin between her fingers. 

“I don’t think so.”

For some reason, Azriel grinned. Showing off his dimple. 

He dropped his hand and reached to take his phone out of his pocket. 

“I asked about your Instagram because,” Azriel unlocked his phone and scrolled until he found what he wanted to show her. “I thought these might look nice.”

He tilted the screen so that she could see it, and Elain tried to blink away the white noise sounding in her head. 

It was a picture of her — artistically taken, but she was barefoot in the overalls she was wearing earlier and standing in her garden. She wanted to make sure that her flowers were in good shape before being taken over by the gardening her parents had hired. And the tulips were looking especially beautiful, so Elain had cut some to bring with her. They currently sat in a vase next to her bed.

In the picture she was holding an armful of white tulips, her braid messy and coming undone, and she was smiling brightly while dirt covered her hands and knees. 

How had Azriel even taken this picture without her noticing? 

“It’s lovely, Azriel,” Elain said, her eyes not straying from the picture. “Thank you.”

Eventually, Elain handed him back his phone. 

“Send it to me?” She asked somewhat nervously, even though he was the one that suggested she post the photo in the first place. “I’ll make sure to give you photo credit.”

She watched as he smiled into his phone, finding her contact information. 

Her phone buzzed at her side, somehow it had fallen into the cracks in the sofa, so she had to dig to look for it. 

Before opening up her messages Elain opened her camera. 

“Here,” She said, raising her arm for a selfie and leaning into Azriel's hard, warm chest. 

She didn’t have to finish her thought before Azriel wrapped an arm around her — snaking underneath the arm holding her phone up and placing his scarred hand over her collar bone, his fingers on the curve of her shoulder. A bit of his tattooed wrist peaking through his sleeve. 

He pulled her further into him. 

Elain quickly snapped a picture, completely thrown off kilter by his touch. Skin on skin contact with no latex gloves or denim coming between them. Not the delicate brush of his finger when he touched the sensitive skin behind her ear, but blatant, unrestricted touching. 

Her ears were ringing as she pulled away. 

“You don’t mind if I post that, do you?” Elain asked, her cheeks hot as she busied herself with her phone. 

“Of course not, but send it to me as well, please.” 

Elain smiled as she hit send. 

——

Like any other day, Elain started it by opening up her phone. Normally she would check her messages and then social media and then see if she got any new comments on the stories she posted anonymously online. 

She tried to blink herself awake when she saw the 20 texts from her mother. 

Mom: Is this why you moved out? 

Elain hesitated to click the link, somewhere in the back of her head her thoughts were scratching at her consciousness, urging and deluding herself. Her thumb hovered over the link for a second before clicking it with a cringe. 

MODEL SLUMMING IT WITH UNKNOWN — WHAT HAPPENED TO GRAYSEN? 

The Face has a new accessory, and not one of the Cartier’s she will be modeling in a much anticipated photo shoot. 

Elain Archeron posted this photo last night (or early in the morning), at 12:13am to be exact, of herself with an unknown man hanging all over her.

 Archeron, notoriously quiet about her private life, surprised millions of her fans with the picture, and has yet to like or respond to any of the comments questioning whether or not the man seen in the picture is her boyfriend. 

Her comment section is split between lewd comments over the unknown man pawing at her and lamentful grievances about Graysen Neilson, especially since the last thing we heard was that of an impending marriage between the couple. 

And really, we are left to wonder just what Elain was doing so late in the night with the handsome stranger. 

There were so many things to worry about, but for some reason Elain was caught up on the fact that they didn’t know who Azriel was. She tagged him, didn’t she? 

Elain ignored the messages from her mother, incapable of dealing with such a headache so early in the morning without yet having coffee, and scrolled to her Instagram. Her heart dropping as she saw that her picture had been liked over 600,000 times in just a few hours. 

She tapped her picture. 

Nothing. 

She tapped again, thinking it just hadn’t registered her touch. 

Still nothing. 

Elain didn’t bother looking at the comments. She copied a link and opened a new message. 

Elain: Is it ok if I tag you?

Elain: It's ok if you say no !! 

Elain: I thought I tagged you last night, but I think it slipped my mind. 

Elain: (P.S. I’m going to post the candid you took of me soon!! It’s just so pretty that I want to wait until the perfect moment :) )

She chewed on her lip, waiting for a response that never came. 

The door to her bedroom pushed open a few minutes later, and Nesta stood in the doorway. Her light brown hair messily piled on top of her head and she walked into the room with a cup of coffee in each hand. She offered one to Elain. 

“Mom called me three times and it’s not even 9:00 am yet. Good luck,” Nesta said, handing off the coffee and ruffling Elain’s hair. “I’m going shopping. If I see an At Home Lobotomy Kit I’ll pick it up for you.” 

“Thanks.” Elain mumbled, sipping her coffee. 

Her heart squeezed as her phone buzzed on the comforter. It squeezed again as she saw the name flash on her screen. 

Azriel: Go ahead, if you’re comfortable with it. People might dig into my past and my family. It’s fine if you don’t want that attached to your name. 

Azriel: P.S. You look really pretty. 

Elain: tagged you <3 

tagging: @123moiaussi @fuckmelifesucks @thefangirlofhp@sakurakittypeach @nikethestatue @tswaney17 @impossiblescissorspeachpaper @feyredarlinq@duskwhisperer @nyxreads @rinadragomir @secretpuppyflower@captainbrucebanner @ultadverb @irisesforelain @shedoessoshedoes  @magnolia-blossom87 @sheenabeene @nivem565  @casuallivi @rhysiedarling@elain99-blog @athena-85 @swankii-art-teacher @reverie-tales @jujugirlfrombookstore @shadowflorecita@shy-violet-soul @thisloveseternal

[screeching-bunny]

I'm intrigued by the idea of yandere priest harem.

Just a bunch of sexually repressed men that now have a tangible person to 'worship'.

Yandere! Priest Harem

Warnings: Obsessive Behavior, Yandere Thoughts, Bad Writing, Stalking, Possessive Behavior, Reader is Referred as ‘You’

Tags: @endism

What the fuck. You can’t believe it but you accidentally started a cult. You weren't sure how but you managed to do it. Everything about it was planned perfectly for you. From the moment you were kidnapped to the moment where you gave in, there was always some sort of routine that the priest followed that seemed almost robotic. Every word or phrase spoken to you seemed somewhat rehearsed as if they were doing everything in their power to make you pleased and happy. Everything that you requested or asked for was quickly met. Did you just say that you were hungry? Don’t worry, wait a couple more minutes and a feast will be made just for you. Did something catch your eye while you were shopping? In a couple minutes it is purchased and given to you. Never in your life had you seen a group more downbad people then these priests. They are incredibly whipped for you and treat you as if you were some kind of God.

Although you were kidnapped you soon learned to just accept the role as their false God. Why? Well to simply put you were just plain lazy and if being kidnapped allowed you to live a luxurious life without needing to work then so be it. Screw having a job and screw having to pay for bills. You will accept this position with grace and take advantage of it however you would like. The only thing that bothered you was why the hell were people joining this stupid cult!?!? By now you expected the stupid priests to run out of money by now due to your spending habits but why on Earth are people still continuing to donate to them!?!? There just always seems to be a never ending supply of money!!!

“Did you see them? The God of this religion is such a cutie. Do you think I have a shot at becoming a priest? Hell, I wouldn’t even mind being a sacrifice to them.” (Go away).

“I just donated my entire retirement fund to them. It’s so worth it. Did you see how cute their sneezes are? I could literally just die!!!” (Then die).

“I shook their hand a few days ago with my right hand. I haven’t washed it since.” (Gross).

Dammit that's why. You're so called “followers” were nothing but a group of some weirdo simps. The only thing that you ever did around this place was give speeches to your cult that came right out of your ass and they would eat it up everytime too. It is so bad that you could literally say that the Earth was flat and they would go to war to defend that you were right. You’ve never seen a group of more stupider people. As of right now you were currently giving out one of those bullshit speeches to your followers.

“... which is why cats are superior over dogs. If you have a cat tell them I said pspspspsp.”

One of the priests raises their hand, “Can you repeat that whole thing again? That was super cute and I forgot to press record.”

Another priest responds with, “Don’t worry I caught it all and I’ll send it to you later. In exchange, can I have that limited edition picture of them sleeping with a teddy bear.”

Another voice shouts, “Wait! I have some never seen before photos of them. Are you willing to trade it for the limited edition picture?”

“...”

Later that night you soon discover that there is a “trading card game” going around the cult using your pictures. You weren’t even sure how they even managed to take these photos but they somehow have them and how were these mass produced without you even noticing!?!? Why are they out of stock and why are they so popular!?!? Everyday is a never ending migraine for you. Just when you thought the priests couldn’t disappoint you even further, they always manage to prove you wrong. If they weren’t the ones feeding you, you would have been long gone by now.

Waking up always felt like a struggle most of the time. Like it literally was a struggle because there was always someone in your bed with you. They would constantly cuddle up to you as close as possible and make it difficult to leave the bed with their weight holding you down. By the time you wake up breakfast is already made and there is someone constantly fighting to decide who gets to feed you. After breakfast, you stroll around the gigantic garden that was funded with the money of taxpayers. Afternoons are spent giving out wack speeches and talking to your loyal followers. Dinners are the same as breakfast and there is competition on who gets to bathe with you. Quite often these end up turning physical fights between everyone. During the night you're out like a light and it’s a repeat of everything the next day.

Every passing day makes you so concerned for the mental health of others. There is just no way that any of these people are mentally sane. They have to be on drugs or something. You refused to believe that these were rational adults that are contributing members of society. No matter how much you try to change your personality, they always find a way to coo at you. On the days that you act like a brat you are met with the responses of, “Oh my god look at them pout that's so adorable!! Now step on me–”. On the days you act lazy it’s met with, “You don’t have to move I’ll do it all for you! Just let me lick your–”. Are you acting happy today? Well that's met with, “Your smile is so radiant! You know what would make your day better if you let me suck–”. In the end though it really doesn’t matter because their main goal in life is to forever worship your being whether you like it or not.

[mydearesthrry]

love in secret - h.s.

a/n: ohhhh my loves this one is a mess. please bear with me!!! it gets better. i promise. i love this one so so dearly and its very special to me so please be kind :’( i love you i love you i love you, thank you for choosing to read my work. enjoy <3

🎀 warnings/cw: a really weird creepy uncle (weird comments/advances on yn), a weird creepy guy at a bar, a weird girl at a birthday party, angst, harry yells lol, FLUFF CANT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGHHHH, PROTECTIVERRY nothing too out of the ordinary for me

🐇 pairing: best friend!reader x harry styles to lovers

💐 wc: 5.9k (not edited, completely unproofread)

summary: 5 times when Y/N and harry communicated with just a look to each other, or, 5 times where they just understood.

— 1

The lights in the restaurant were bright. Blinding, really. YN had a hard time even keeping a conversation with someone due to the lights being so bright and her needing to shut her eyes tightly every couple of seconds. It was unfortunate enough that she showed up to the dinner with a headache beginning to brew at the nape of her neck, and she cursed herself in her head at the fact that she let herself just ignore it. The room was filled with loud chatter and laughter, the other patrons enjoying themselves and letting loose with the alcohol provided to them. Her head was hung, hair falling around the sides of her face, allowing for a nice shield to dim the lights a little bit, providing her eyes a little bit of solace from the intrusive brightness. 

“Alright y’guys, I’m really tired and I think ‘M gonna head out now.” She could hear Harry announce to the table, pushing his chair back with his legs as he tapped on YN’s thigh with his right hand. Pushing himself up with his legs, he leaned down to whisper a quick ‘get your stuff’ to YN. She agreed without another word, and stood to grab her purse from where it was hung on the chair, pulling it up onto her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling chilly out of nowhere. Harry noticed this– of course he did– and draped the jacket he had resting on his forearm over her shoulders. YN and Harry both said their goodbyes, no one questioning YN packing up her things. Everyone knew that wherever she went he would follow, and wherever he went she would follow.

Slinging his arm over her shoulder, Harry gave one last goodbye from the both of them, before leading her to the back entrance to avoid paparazzi, knowing how much that would hurt her head. He could sense that she was feeling weird from the second she grabbed a seat next to him, but didn’t question her about it. As the night went on, he noticed how she kept blinking harshly, kept rubbing her temples with her fingertips, or rested her forehead on his shoulder for comfort. Suddenly, when she let her head fall, he realized exactly what was happening– she was having a migraine. 

Little to no words were shared between them during dinner in an attempt to catch up with their friends who they’d hadn’t seen in a long time, but they were still reminded of each others presence. Harry's been placing soft kisses onto her hair when he felt the weight of her head drop onto his shoulder while also keeping conversation to whoever he was talking to. YN linked their pinky fingers at the beginning of dinner, letting it hang between the two of them for the rest of the night until she had to rub her temples to try and ease the pain. While they didn’t really speak, they had conversations with their eyes that only they could understand. 

Harry initially checked on her when she lifted her head from his shoulder the third time, turning his head to look at her only to see that she was already waiting for him. He gave her a look that asked if she was okay, and she answered silently with a small head nod. Even though he didn’t buy it, he left it alone since he knew that they’d be leaving soon anyway.

When she finally got to the sweet solace of Harry’s car, a sigh of relief left her at the darkness inside. The interior of his car was all black with tinted windows, so the dim of the streetlights couldn’t bother her as much either. 

“Lovie, y’should’ve told me y’had a migraine, would’ve gotten y’home instantly.” Harry scolds in a low, quiet voice, a frown on his lips when he saw the way she slumped down into the passenger seat, head falling back onto the headrest. 

“I know, I’m sorry. Just looked like you were having fun.” She whispered, knowing her voice at full volume would hurt her head. 

“Y’are way more important to me than a dinner with our friends. We can see our friends whenever, and it would be much more convenient for the both of us if y’were healthy while doing so.” He grumbled, grabbing the steering wheel with his left hand and reaching over to rest his right hand on her thigh. 

“Well, I’m sorry to hear I’m such a burden,” She spat, voice still low. She opened her eyes when she heard nothing but silence to see Harry giving her a look to which she sighed at, grabbing his hand to twist the rings around on his fingers. “I know what you mean. Jus’ being stubborn right now.”

He snorts, “Trust me, I know. ‘S like it’s y’middle name.” He squeezes her hand at the soft laugh she gives, his heart pumping the slightest bit faster.

“Back to mine?” He whispers.

“Obviously.” 

— 2

YN rested her back along the arm of the couch, knees pulled up so that she only took up one cushion. Even if the rest of the couch was completely unoccupied beside her, she wanted to be as respectful as possible. The room was almost full by the way producers, writers, and managers scattered around, but she was only there for one of them; the boy in the booth. Harry’s been recording for about 2 hours now and she knew that he was overdue for a break, however, she also knew that he wouldn’t step foot outside of the booth until what he recorded was 100% to his liking, and they both knew that his perfectionist tendencies was his vice. 

She sat around for a bit longer, silently playing games on her phone mindlessly while periodically checking the time, until she heard a muffled shout come from the booth– the booth that she knew only had Harry in it. Looking up, she saw Harry with the studio headphones pulled down to hang around his neck, stepping to the side so he wouldn’t be shouting into the microphone. She rolled her eyes and stared at him in annoyance, waiting until he would eventually catch her gaze. Right when he did, he could already see the look in her eyes which made him look down ashamedly, taking the headphones from his neck to put on the mic stand, coming out of the booth like a puppy with its tail between its legs. He already knew he was about to get chewed out by the way she looked at him, almost disappointed by the way he seemed to lack self care when he was working. 

“Can we break for a minute, everyone? 30 minutes, tops.” She said loudly enough so everyone could hear her. Everyone immediately agreed and began to shuffle out of the room, leaving only YN and Harry in the space. Once the final person left and they heard the door click shut, she turned her head back to him with a distinct glimmer in her eyes. 

“Really, H?” She sighed, gesturing to him to join her on the couch. She slid her legs down and opened them a little, already knowing that he was going to fall and put his entire weight onto her. And she was right. The second she opened her arms, he slumped down into a sitting position at first, before laying down with his head resting just below her chin, head turned toward the soundboard with a pout on his raspberry lips. 

“I know, ‘M sorry,” He sighed, arms coming round to rest underneath her back in a loose hold, trying to get as much comfort as possible. “Jus’ hate when it doesn’t come out exactly how I envisioned it.” 

“I know, but overworking yourself and your precious voice doesn’t equate to anything and it especially won’t equate to perfection if you’re tired. Looking at it all, especially from my perspective, it jus’ looks like you’re being mean. Like, lashing out on all of those people… they’re tired too, bub. They don’t deserve this kind of treatment from you, especially not when you can help it. Are you seeing what I mean?” She tried to lay it out in the most delicate way possible while also knocking some sense into him, and it all started to make sense to him after all. 

“You do know you need to apologize to them, right?” She mutters into his hair, pressing the tiniest of kisses to his hair. 

“I know.  You’re right. I mean, you’re always right, but you’re especially right, right now. I dunno how y’always know me, or how you always know how t’make it better.” Harry grumbled. He hated this part. He hated when what he was envisioning didn’t come to full fruition right away. 

“It’s because I’m your best friend,” She could feel the way they both collectively tensed at her words, “It’s just what I do. I know you better than anyone else in this world and I have since we were toddlers. There’s no way you can be surprised now, ‘M basically your only friend.”

He laughed along with her, trying his best to mask the rejection he felt when he heard her say that she was his best friend. “Y’are, lovie. The only one who knows me like this.” 

She hummed. “The only one who ever will,” She said in full conviction. He lifted his head to meet her eyes, their faces close to each other. He could feel her breath on his face, and when he went to lift himself up a little to be able to meet her lips, she cleared her throat and nudged up a bit, creating distance between them. 

Tangling her fingers back into his hair, she awkwardly whispered, “Now, rest for a little bit, bub. I’ll wake you up when they’re ready to go.”

— 3

It wasn’t out of the ordinary for YN and Harry to have dinner with each other’s families, but there was something about tonight that made the both of them have a weird twinge in their stomachs that tonight would be different. It started off normal, really. They showed up to YN’s parents house, one of her hands pushed into the crook of his arm. YN had a bottle of wine in her other hand while Harry had his shoved into his pocket. Ringing the doorbell, there was something about the lack of commotion coming from inside that made them share a weird glance, before they shrugged their shoulders in unison and put it to the side when they heard the lock click. 

YN’s mom opened the door with a sheepish grin on her face, and YN already knew she was going to spew out an apology for something.  

“Hi, my loves, missed you. But, before you both come in,” Her mom wiped her hands on the apron tied around her waist, “Uncle Rick is here.” 

YN and Harry both groaned, already dreading the dinner that hadn’t even started. They knew something was up when they didn’t hear the shouts of little kids wrestling each other to get to the door, and now it was completely explained why. 

Uncle Rick was her dad’s estranged brother who had only started coming around 5 or 6 Christmases ago, and the entire family has had a weird dislike for him since the beginning. He was creepy! As simple as that. He used to make weird comments on her and her sisters bodies, and he liked to talk to Harry about how much money Harry had, while also trying to push out a sob story so Harry would flit him some cash. It never worked, by the way. 

“That explains why the rascals weren’t here t’open the door,” Harry muttered, an annoyed and pouty look already on his face. He was excited to see the little ones, and they weren’t even here!

“Harry, stop with the look, don’t be a brat. Both of you, lighten up! I dislike him as much as you do but you two are the only ones who showed up for dinner. Your sisters bailed the second I mentioned him, so please just try to be nice?” YN’s mom scolded Harry. Since they’ve known each other since they were practically still in diapers, she treated him like her own and Anne did the same for YN. 

“I’ll try,” Harry grumbled, patting YN’s bum when her mom stepped out of the way to let them in. Unhooking their arms from each other, they pushed their coats off and hung them up. Turning to each other, they shared a look before inhaling deeply at the same time, entwining fingers. “We got this, lovie. I believe in us.”

YN only nodded, trudging forward with him trailing behind her, his arm lifting a bit from the small pull where their hands were conjoined. Walking into the kitchen, she greeted her dad with a side hug in an attempt to not let go of Harry, before pulling back to let Harry greet him as well. They stepped back and looked at her dad expectantly, a sigh emitting when he saw their faces. “Sorry, kiddos. Would’ve told you, but mom wanted you guys to be here to keep us sane.”

“It’s okay, dad, but you have to shut him down if he says something about me. You promised last time.” She sighed, leaning into Harry the slightest bit for no reason other than familiarity and comfort. 

“I will, Princess. I promise.” He shook his head fast, immediately abiding to the promise he made a couple of months ago. 

“Alright, bub, let’s go say hi,” YN mentally prepared herself as they walked over to the living room, humming when her mom told her to get him for dinner. YN subconsciously tightened her grip on Harry’s hand, him doing the same. “Hi Uncle Rick, you remember Harry, right?”

“How couldn’t I remember? Y’bring that bugger around more than anyone else, I woulda thought he got you locked down. Quite annoying, that one is.” Uncle Rick’s feet were propped up onto the coffee table, a feeling of disgust already swirling in both of their chest when they could smell the mix of beer and smoke oozing from his pores.

“Um– He’s literally right here, and you just called him annoying?” She said quite exasperatedly, a muffled groan leaving her lips. “Whatever, it’s fine. Mom wanted us to tell you that dinner’s ready.”

“God, finally! Your moms been taking forever, annoying how long she takes to get everything ready. I mean, isn’t that her job? To cook and clean? She does a pretty shit job at it if I’m honest.” The man groaned, struggling to even get off the couch. He walked past them and placed a hand on YN’s waist when he passed by, making her jump and twist into the front of Harry’s body. He caught her with ease, letting go of her hand to wrap his arms around her body. He could feel how tense she was, her unease and anger radiating off of her in waves. 

“Fuck. My. Life.” She muttered, leaning her face fully into his chest, banging her forehead against it with each word. Harry hummed, placing a few kisses onto her head to conceal the fact that he too, was bubbling with anger. 

“Gonna kill him, lovie. The fuck was that, anyway? Calling me annoying when I’m right here? 5 feet away from him? Not a lot of cogs turning in tha’ one’s head, I’ll tell ya,” Harry snorted, trying to relax his best friend a little bit. “Calm down, babe, practically shakin’ in m’arms.” 

She sighed, nodding into him. Comfort slowly seeped into her when she felt the gradual pressure of his arms behind her back. “I know, I’m sorry. Thank you for being here, though, you’re the bestest friend I could’ve ever asked for.” 

Harry isn’t afraid to admit his heart shatters the tiniest bit at this. He even goes far to unwrap his arms from her frame prematurely, plastering on a fake smile before she can see the frown he had on. “‘S what I’m here for.” 

A confused look made its way onto YN’s face, wondering what she said wrong to make him let her go. Opening her mouth to ask, she shut it right after she heard her mom call to them.

“Kids, come eat now!” She shouted.

“Coming!” YN called back, giving Harry one last look, a small look of hurt in her eyes, before pivoting on her heel to walk to the dining room. 

They sat down, Uncle Rick at the head of the table with YN and Harry on one side, and her parents on the other. Harry frowned when she didn’t scooch her chair over a bit to be closer to him, and he looked at the amount of space that was between them. Taking initiative, he moved his chair over and rested his hand on her thigh, YN grumbling under her breath but grabbing his hand anyway and interlocking their fingers. Although he was right handed, he’d sacrifice his dominant hand to hold hers any day. 

The four of them talked easily, Uncle Rick staying out of the conversations mainly, but he hummed or protested every so often to give pieces of mind (even though it was severely unneeded).

“So, YN, I heard that you graduated a couple of months out of medical school? How’d that go? Normally girls your age sleep around to graduate from something so difficult, hm?”  Uncle Rick commented disgustingly, food spewing out of his mouth since he was talking with his mouth full.

“Um– sorry, what?” YN choked on the wine she brought, a fiery look already in her eyes. Her parents’ expressions dropped instantly, her dad already trying to sputter out an apology.

“If you’re implying that I slept with the higher ups to graduate then I’m sorry, you’re dead wrong. I worked so hard to get to where I am now, and maybe if you hadn’t been estranged, mind you, we didn’t even know who you were, then maybe you would’ve noticed. Or maybe, you’d still be the same sleazy prick you’ve always been. Either way, it’s no bother to me, I know how you feel after all. The way you try to subtly touch me and my sisters, we all notice it, but we’ve been biting our tongue for so long, because you know what? You’re family. But I’ve honestly had enough of it. Mom, Dad, me and H are leaving, thank you for dinner, but I really, really can’t.” She spewed out without missing a beat, tugging Harry up with her. He turned his head to look up at her, but he could see the upset look in his eyes and stood up without another word. He let go of her hand to go around the table to kiss her moms cheek and to clap her dad on the back. 

He walked over to the threshold to leave, before deciding to give a little to this conversation as well. “Y’know, Uncle Rick, I tried m’hardest to be respectful as well, and I always wanted t’make a good impression, especially since I was with my best friends family, but I’ve been here f’longer than y’have to know that they’d love me either way, so I’ll just say this before I go; I didn’t mind when you’d make comments about me, but it’s another thing when y’making weird comments about her. She’s everything t’me, m’soulmate, really, and I feel bad that you’ve probably never had one. It would explain why y’so miserable, wouldn’t it?” 

Rick tried to say something, but was quickly cut off. “And I pity that you’ll never get to see how wonderful YN is. I really do pity y’for that. She’s incredibly smart, beautiful inside and out, and y’threw away the chance to have something amazing with her. So for your own benefit, I hope something changes f’you so you can get t’know her. But if not, don’t worry, really, we’re very fine off without you, anyway. Goodnight, Y/M/N and Y/D/N, it’s been wonderful seeing y’both again. ‘M sure we’ll be back soon in better circumstances, I hope.” 

And with that, he leaves the kitchen, leaving the three of them in awe.

Grabbing the both of their coats, noticing how YN had forgotten hers, he slammed the door shut and stalked quickly to the car, noticing how she was already in her assigned seat (He’d always joked about how she was the prettiest passenger princess), gnawing on her lips as glimmering tears lay stagnant in her eyes. He walked faster when he clocked this, knowing that her biting her lips was an anxious tic of hers. Popping open the door, he sat and settled into the driver's seat as fast as possible, turning on the ignition to power on the heater as quickly as he could. 

She turned her head to him, and he grabbed the back of her head in a tight hold, his other hand wounding around her waist. Sobs starting to fill the car, followed by soft shushing by Harry. 

“It’s okay, bub, y’so okay, I’m here, it’s okay.” He reassured, heart clenching at the gutwrenching sobs that left her. 

“Love y’so much, you’re s’perfect, and he’s so so wrong. You’re m’best friend in the world, the best person I know... Precious girl, wish y’saw yourself the way I see you.” He placed the softest of kisses to the side of her head, whispering sweet words to her until her sobs calmed and he felt her move her eyes from his shoulder, resting her chin on his shoulder. 

“I love you, H, no one I trust more in this world than you,” She whispered, pulling back to lay her temple on his cheek. Pulling back a little more, they now looked at each other, his eyes searching her watery ones. Their breaths hitched when they realized just how close they were to each other, knowing that if they were to move even an inch their lips would touch. They both moved forward a little, before jumping away from each other when Harry’s elbow pushed a little too hard on the center of the wheel, the horn honking. 

A shy laugh left her lips as she spun back to face the windshield, a soft blush coating her cheeks. “Home?” 

Harry cleared his throat, nodding slowly, a smile growing on his face when he realized that she referred to his house as home. “Yeah, bub, let’s go home.” 

— 4

“Harry! YN! Come in, come in!” They smiled at her friend Alex, who was already noticeably drunk, a pink flush on her cheeks. As much as they didn’t like parties, they decided to show up to Alex’s birthday party, the decision hard for the two of them since they knew it would pretty much be like a party at a frat house. Alex pulled on YN’s hand, dragging her inside to the party, Harry being tugged along as well when he grabbed YN’s outstretched one. They get dragged to the kitchen, being heavily encouraged by Alex to make a drink, before running away when she gets distracted by another one of her friends. 

“I guess bartender Harry’s making an appearance,” Harry shrugged, “What can I make f’you, bub?” 

She tilted her head, thinking it over. “My usual, please.” 

“One cherry vodka with sprite coming right up, sweets!” They talked for a little, giggling when Harry had opened a fresh liter of Sprite to make sure it was safe, which started spewing everywhere and in turn, all over his white shirt. “Fucks sake!” 

“Messy boy.” She giggled, taking the drink with a gracious smile. She took his hand to lead him to the living room, finding a few of her friends and talking to them, also making conversation with Harry who they knew because of how many times he’s met them. When YN had thought about it, she realized that he really is there every single time she goes out with her friends. It’s like she had her own personal bodyguard. 

After a few of her friends had come and gone, she placed her now empty cup on the counter that Harry was resting his back on, trying to stabilize himself as she relaxed herself into his body. “‘M gonna go up and use the bathroom real quick, will you be okay down here?” 

“Of course I’ll be okay, but you be safe, bub.” He sent her away with a pat to her bum, a squeal leaving her lips. He watched her walk away with a smile on his face, not even realizing how lovesick the grin must’ve looked. A poof of blonde hair in front of him distracted him from her figure, and when he looked down, he saw a girl with curled and messy blonde waves, thick eyeliner paired with red lipstick that’d grown messy throughout the night. “Hi?”

“You’re so hot.” Blondie commented bluntly. He stepped back to create some space between them, sliding his arm out of her rough grip. He couldn’t pinpoint the reason why her hands felt like sandpaper on his tanned skin, but it felt like he’d just been burned with a flat iron. 

“Oh, um… thank you? That’s very sweet, but I’ve got a girl-” He started. 

“She doesn’t need to know���” She purred, and disgust filled Harry’s face. 

“I’m flattered, but I really do have a girlfriend, and she’s here with me tonight, I’m not comfortable with this, ‘M sorry.” He tried again, but every time he would take a step backward, Blondie would take a step forward. Can she not take the hint?!

“Is the girlfriend in the room with us?” She started to get annoyed. A small weight lifted from his chest because he thought maybe if she got tired of him, she would just leave. He tried to wait for this plan to work, but he realized he didn’t even need to when he saw his precious girl descend down the stairs. Her eyes caught his, and he tried to iterate in his eyes that he needed help, and fast. She noticed and tried to go down the stairs a bit faster, not even caring if she stepped on someone. She walked fast to close the distance between them, burrowing herself in the space Harry provided when he lifted his arm as she was on her way over. 

“Hi baby,” YN started, pecking a kiss to his cheek sweetly, before turning her gaze to the girl in front of Harry. “Oh! I’m so sorry, that was so rude of me! Hi, I’m Harry’s girlfriend, YN. And you are…?” 

Blondie stared at YN’s outstretched hand in confusion, rolling her eyes and flipping her messy blonde hair over her shoulder, whacking YN in the face with the tips as she walked away. YN pulled a face of disgust, Harry immediately brushing her face off softly with his hand.

“Fuckin’ bitch, thinks she can take y’from me,” YN muttered under her breath, quiet enough to the point that even Harry himself couldn’t hear, which said a lot since they were practically telepathically connected. 

“Hm?” Harry questioned, but she didn’t say a word. 

“Nothing, just crazy to think that these girls think they can get you without getting through me first, that’s all.” She smiled up at Harry innocently. 

He snorted. “I send my luck out to anyone who even ends up trying. Thank you for saving me, bub. I owe you, big time.” 

“Just take me home now. Can we watch a movie?” 

“Anything f’you, Sweetheart.”

— 5

They didn’t really like these galas. 

To be honest, it wasn’t really their scene and they’d much rather be at Harry’s house, cuddled on the couch with her feet on his thighs, his fingers digging into the heels and soles of his feet mindlessly. 

They were in matching outfits, a silky emerald dress hugging her body whilst also accentuating her curves. Harry was clad in a velvety dark green suit, a black button up buttoned to just the middle of his torso matching her black YSL purse that she got as a graduation gift from him (among many other things against her wishes). They walked into the event arm in arm which wasn’t unusual for the pair. She tended to be his date to these once in a while events he’d agree to going to. The two had already walked in whispering and giggling about how they caught Glenne and Jeff sucking face in a darkened hallway near the entrance. 

Harry found a couple of his friends he’d made while in the process of making the album, YN standing close to his side with a polite smile on her face. After a couple of minutes, she’d become thirsty and, unnoticeably to anyone else, tapped her fingers on his forearm that her hand was hanging on. He looked to her, a soft but questioning smile on his face, and she scrunched her nose, clearing her throat to speak. “‘M gonna get a drink, bub. Getting a little thirsty, do you want anything?” 

He shook his head, turning fully to face her. She unhook her hand from the crook of his arm, nodding toward the bar. “D’you want me t’come with you?” 

She shook her head no, already stepping back to move towards the bar. “I’ll be okay, jus’ keep an eye on me in case I need saving, yeah?” 

“Of course, only have eyes f’you anyway.” He unashamedly flirted, chuckling at the bashful look on her face, turning her gaze to anything but him to will away the blush begging to make itself known on her cheeks. 

“Cheeky boy, I’ll be back.” She smiled, shaking her head. He pulled her in a little, pressing a soft kiss to her temple before sending her away, following her figure with his eyes to ensure she was safe on the less than eight feet walk to the bar. Once assured she was there safely, he turned his gaze to his gaggle of friends, making small talk with them, nothing more than work and the weather. He’d shared a couple of laughs before his brain made itself aware that his other half wasn’t back to his side as quickly as it would normally take her, and he turned his head to look for his girl– not his girl, but– no, she was his girl. They’d both known it anyway. 

His heart dropped to about his toes when he saw her turn her head too, a quick panicked glimmer in her eyes. He was unsure if he was reading her correctly, but when he kept his gaze trained on her for a little longer and watched as she gave him the same panicked look, he knew she was in trouble. She looked back forward, trying to be as polite as possible, and he excused himself from the group in the blink of an eye. Striding over as fast as his legs would allow, he slowed his pace down a little to not look suspicious to any onlookers. He found her quickly, her head turning once more, a now relieved and slightly amused look in her eyes. Clocking the creepy looking guy standing in front of her, he said fuck all to looking suspicious and picked up his pace once more. 

He closed the distance between them quickly, pressing his front against her back gently, trying his best to not be overbearing. The heat radiating from his body automatically calmed her, feeling the way he let his arm snake around his waist to let his hand sit on the small space between her hip and her waist, a large tattooed hand resting on her tummy. She placed the drink onto the bar, laying her cold hand onto his warm one. He leaned towards her head, kissing her hair and humming when she leaned her head a bit into his lips. 

“Hi m’love, who���s this?” He asked while tilting his head down to look at her, finding her eyes to send her a message to go along with him. She looked up too, reading his eyes instantly and knowing what they were going to do. Just like they did at the house party, they were going to fake date for a little bit. This was him returning the favor.

“Hi baby, this is Jack, Jack, this is my boyfriend– um… Peter.” She giggled, not being able to think of a better name. “He said that he’s Jeff Azoff’s personal assistant,” Looking toward the guy who shriveled into himself with fear, a smirk present her lips. Obviously they both knew that Jeff didn’t have a male personal assistant– Glenne had given the job to her friend’s daughter, and they were just as close with her as they were Glenne herself. “He even said that he’s gotten to know Harry Styles quite well himself, also offered to take me to meet him after this event, isn’t he so sweet?” 

Harry had to lift a hand to rub his lips to prevent himself from laughing. “Oh yeah, darling, that would be wonderful. Think I can tag along with you? I’m a huge fan, and would love to meet the guy. Tonight might not be the best, though, I heard he’s at a fancy event or something.” 

“Oh, of course, baby, how could I forget? Could I have your phone? I could get Jack’s number so we can arrange something,” Turning to fully face Jack, she giggled a little at the way his complexion now was pale like he saw a ghost. The three of them knew he’d been caught in a lie. She felt the weight of his phone on her hand and pulled it up to her face, her face ID unlocking it instantly. “What was your number?” 

Jack stumbled over his words. “I- um… Uh- I just– Forget it.” Scrambling away as fast as he could, the two laughed together as she turned in his hold. She moved her arm down to drop his phone back into his pocket. She wounded her arms back up to place her arms on his biceps, a satisfied smile on her lips.

“Boyfriend, huh?” He grinned, resting his chin on the top of her head when she dropped it onto his chest, a groan leaving her lips.

“You started it!” She whined, lifting her head back up to meet his green eyes.

“I know, I know. Can’t believe it took you a Rory imposter to call me y’boyfriend, though. Been waiting forever for that, really. Sounds pretty coming from y’lips, if I’m honest.” A sigh tumbled from his lips, trying to subtly let her know what he was feeling. 

“Me too. In our very own romance book, eh? Fake dating trope and all.” She giggled, lifting her arms to wound around his neck, obviously picking up on what he was putting down.

They were finally having their moment. 

“Gonna let me make it real, Sweetheart?” He whispered, ducking his head down to be level with hers. 

“God, hurry up with it will you? Been waiting for this since we were teenag- oh!” She was cut off by his lips on hers. 

It was natural. Of course it was. 

The way their lips met made her truly believe in the romance books she was just joking about not even a second ago. She could taste the sweetness from the cookies they snacked on in the car on the seams of his lips, softness from the chapstick he borrowed from her still moisturizing his lips. He could feel every dip and crevice in hers if he focused enough– as if he wasn’t completely drowning in all of her. Her perfume, her hands on his neck, the taste of her lips. 

Pulling away with a quiet smack, he grinned as widely as humanly possible, bunny teeth making its full appearance, as well as his dimples. He placed another sweet kiss to her nose, making her scrunch up her face.

“Fuckin’ finally. So in love with you, sweet girl, m’best friend.” 

“Mm, love you, H.”

[vhagarlovebot]

THE WAY I FEEL INSIDE.

pairing: modern!aemond targaryen x fem!reader.

summary: you’ve been in love with aemond targaryen ever since your second year at boarding school, the only problem is that he doesn’t know it and you’ve never been good at lying to him.

content warnings: best friends to lovers, pining, hurt/comfort, love confessions, mentions of alcohol, swearing, basically two idiots in love. it is a little bit long.

note: hello, lovely reader ! i just want to say a few things before you start reading. this was one of my first works here on this app but in a different blog way back when i used to write for the marauders. this was actually written thinking about remus lupin and i edited it the best i could, so you’re probably still going to see some very poor grammar and it’s because i’d just started writing in english and because of that it is completely normal for me to still have problems writing in a language that isn’t mine. i really hope you enjoy! reblogs and likes are greatly appreciated.

THE GREAT HALL IS A MESS in the morning and does not help with the migraine you woke up with, therefore you can’t focus on an essay that’s due today. it does not help that your friends are laughing and talking with each other either, it’s not like you’re good at paying attention to one thing when there’s a lot going on right next to you, so your attention shifts away to them not really listening to what they’re saying.

you’re still with your hands on your head looking directly at the book you have in front, trying to sort out the mess, when cregan’s voice startles you.

“you alright, love?” he asks from his seat in front of you, the hint of a smirk on his face.

“jus’ trying to finish this essay.” you say softly, closing the book and rubbing your tired eyes with the palm of your hand.

“i thought you finished it last night.” baela says, turning her head, body facing cregan. “you need help?”

“not really,” you give her a tired smile. “m’just tired, i didn’t sleep well last night.”

whatever baela says you can’t hear it because from the corner of your eyes you see aemond’s tall body getting closer to the table and sitting next to you. twenty minutes ago he was sitting at that same spot but left without saying a word, causing everyone to worry.

“here,” aemond gives you something, looking down you see a white pill in his open palm. “s’going to make you feel better.”

you don’t say anything, you just stare at those bright blue eyes and blushed cheeks. and he stares back, not paying attention to anyone but you.

you didn’t think aemond could do anything else to show how much he cares about you, but you were proved wrong. something as simple as this has your heart beating fast and tears filling your eyes, and you’re extra aware that he can hear the thump thump thump of your heart as much as you can see the frown that has taken over his face.

and you’re also aware your friends are watching, so you take a deep breath and the pill still sitting on his hand.

“always taking care of me, aem, thank you.” you mumble, laying your head on his shoulder.

you walk slowly through the halls, head in the clouds.

you were able to finish the essay on time, the migraine long gone, and the only reason you managed to do it was thanks to aemond because if he hadn’t gone to the infirmary then you’d still be sitting in the great hall eating your brains out.

at the thought of your best friend a smile makes its way on your face.

ever since you have known aemond he’s always been extra careful with you, extra attentive, extra caring. and you’re pretty sure it started during second year in boarding school when your parents sent you a letter saying they would not be home for christmas, which meant you had nowhere to go and no other option but to stay at the school alone. aemond was sitting close to you that day and saw the way you tried to hide your sadness with a small smile but weren’t able to keep the tears from falling, and when you left in such a hurry that you didn’t notice you had dropped the letter on your way out, that’s exactly when he decided to persuade his friends to stay. he didn’t mind lying or spending christmas at the school, he just wanted to see the pretty girl smile again.

you met the targaryens on christmas day your second year at boarding school when they were some of the few students who stayed too, and it was one of the best thing that ever happened in your life.

you fell in love with aemond targaryen on christmas day your second year at boarding school, though at that time you didn’t know and refused to accept it until fifth year.

you two fell into a routine in which you were a walking mess and he was right there next you ready to help you, or be a mess with you. always making sure you eat all your meals after he saw how on fourth year you stopped going to breakfast choosing to go straight to classes and how you always stayed at the library until there was no one left, so you were free to go to your dorm without worried glances from your friends. that was until you came down from the girls dormitories one morning, knowing everyone was at the great hall, everyone except aemond who was waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs with an apple and a juice box in his right hand, and a shy smile on his face. always making sure you understood everything your professors said. always waiting for you after one particular class you two did not share once he witnessed some girls being mean to you. and you were always happy to lie next to him when he was feeling grouchy and scared, giving him comforting words and tracing the scar on his face, making him hide under his pillow with blushed cheeks; he looked after you and you looked after him, that’s your friendship. you always tried to convince yourself it was just a friend worrying for a friend, when in fact you were head over heels in love with the boy.

there have been a few occasions where all you wanted to do was tell him how much you love him; a lot more than a best friend should love her best friend. but every time you decided to finally do it, still afraid you would ruin the friendship but unable to hide how much you were feeling, something that would leave you with scattered pieces of your heart in your hands happened. because with each passing year while the feeling inside of you grew, and it grew and it grew, aemond showed you he didn’t feel the same way. and you knew he never did it on purpose, how could he if he didn’t know you were in love with him while he snogged different girls, running to talk to you about it and breaking your heart. you didn’t think you’d hate lying so much, but every time he sought advice from you, you hated every word that came out of your mouth, you hated the forced smile on your face, you hated how your eyes welled up with tears when he told you alys rivers stopped him after classes to tell him how handsome he looked that day, batting her eyelashes then coyly hiding behind her books. you hate how your chest physically aches when there is a party in the common hall because it means you’d have to see him flirt with a different girl all night. and that’s exactly why you stopped going to parties, giving a different excuse every time someone asked.

so you convinced yourself that everything you could ever have from aemond is his everlasting friendship. and that is better than not having aemond at all.

your walk comes to a stop when you see your friends sitting in the grass at the rugby pitch, in the distance cregan is giving his team a talk before the game, looking rather annoyed.

“cregan’s going to kill you if you don’t take this game seriously.” you say looking at your raven-haired friend, tossing your bag and sitting next to helaena. at this, jace throws you a half-eaten chocolate before taking his things and jogging to his friend.

“where were you?” baela asks, titling her head.

“professor gerardys wanted help with something, i said yes for a few extra points.” you shrug, bringing the chocolate to your mouth while looking around. instant regret crosses your features at the sight of your best friend sitting a few meters away with a bunch of people, his arm around alys river’s shoulders.

luke follows your gaze. “it looks like she finally took the courage to ask him out.”

“she asked him out!?” your voice comes out a little too loud for your liking and you really don’t like the look of pity that comes into your girl friends eyes. “well, it was about damn time.” you chuckle, though your friends know the reality behind those words.

“you coming tonight?” helaena asks, changing the subject and rubbing your arms, but looking straight ahead to baela, who is making fun of something luke said. “i think it’ll make you feel better,” her smile is pleading. “y´know you need it, forget the books for one night.”

you look at aemond one more time. “i think i deserve it.”

you are laughing as baela explains to two boys how jace was the one who helped win the match. “no, no! you don’t understand how important it is that jace did that,” she exclaims. “if he had gone to the left, then we wouldn’t be here.” the silver-haired shakes her head, taking a sip of her drink.

“i think they get it, baels.” you roll your eyes, rubbing shoulders with her. “don’t you, boys?” they nod eagerly, hiding their faces behind the cups filled with liquor.

your conversation is interrupted by someone leaning against the wall next to you. “hey, you.” aemond speaks after a moment of silence. “i didn’t think you’d be coming.”

“if you want i can go back to my dorm.” you mumble, trying to avoid his gaze. you know you shouldn’t be so cold with him, after all he’s done nothing to have you reacting this way, at least not something he’s aware of.

“that’s not what i said.” you’re not looking at him but you can sense the frown on his face. “i’m happy you’re here, i can’t remember when was the last time we party together.”

“well, i’m here now.” you clear your throat. “were you with alys rivers today?” you definitely shouldn’t have asked, you don’t even want to talk about it. you would rather hear about how jace is the best player on his team than to hear about how the older girl is stealing your best friend’s heart when you wish you were her. you want your heart to stop hurting and your mind to stop creating scenarios in which it is you who’s feeling the warm emanating from his body, the owner of his laugh… his heart.

“you saw us?” he doesn’t sound surprised.

“s’not like you two were being quiet.” you shrug, taking a sip of your beer.

“we all saw you.” baela explains, interrupting the conversation in your favor. “are you two like… together?” she asks what’s been going through your mind all day but were too afraid to ask.

aemond goes silent and all the blood leaves your face. that’s it, this is the final confirmation you needed to let aemond go—not like he was yours to lose—and you don’t want to hear it. your heart has been crushed so many times through the years you don’t think you could handle it one more time.

you straighten your shoulders and smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes. “if you’ll excuse me.” you try to fight the feeling that has settled in your belly, pushing away the pain in your chest, but it gets harder every second. you would think time would make it easier.

you try to hide the sound of your heart breaking by walking away, but aemond is having none of it. he grabs your wrist and you’re forced to stay right where you are. but you’re afraid. you fear that the longer you spend with aemond, the more emotionally unstable you become, eventually exposing yourself and your true feelings.

baela excuses herself, leaving you and your best friend alone, though the common hall is full, it feels like it is just the two of you.

“are you feeling alright?” he asks, confused. “you want me to go to the infirmary again? i’m sure they will ha—”

“jus’ stop it!” you cut him off, pushing him away.

he whispers your name. “i’m just trying to—”

“i didn’t ask you.”

“well, ouch.” aemond takes a step back, looking at you like you have two heads coming out of your body. “i know you didn’t ask me, but i want to.”

“m’not your fucking problem.” you mutter bitterly to yourself, but he hears it.

“did i do something to upset you?” he asks, genuinely worried. you can see the gears moving inside his head, like he’s really trying to remember what did he do.

you know you’re acting this way guided by your feelings and aemond has nothing, but everything actually, to do with it.

you take a deep breath. “i’m sorry, i’m not feeling well today.” you shake your head, taking two careful steps towards him. “you did nothing. i just need to lay down, i’ll see you in the morning.” you assure him with a smile.

but again, he’s grabbing your wrist before you can walk away. “i can go up with you.”

“you should worry about your girlfriend.” you nod, looking over his shoulder at alys rivers, who’s not even trying to hide the scowl on her face.

he doesn’t even look. “but you need me.”

he doesn’t deny it.

aemond doesn’t deny she’s his girlfriend.

“i don’t need you.” you get out of his grip and he doesn’t stop you.

once you are out of sight, you let all the tears fall.

you don’t know what time it is, but you still hear the music echoing. sighing, you roll on your back ready to go back to sleep when you hear what woke you up again. you can barely hear the thud coming from outside the dorm and the first thing that comes into your mind is that one of the girls is trying to open the door but is too drunk to do it, so you get out of bed.

there is, indeed, someone drunk behind the door. but this person has silver hair and blue eyes that, you are sure, look into your soul.

you suddenly remember you cried yourself to sleep and if he weren’t too drunk he’d notice how red your eyes are.

“what are you doing here, aemond?” you ask, helping him to his feet and inside your dorm.

“why do you hate me so much?” he drags the words, and you can smell the whisky every time he opens his mouth.

“i don’t hate you, silly.” you couldn’t help but laugh, carrying him to your bed. “maybe i do hate you a little bit right now. how much did you drink?”

“don’t know, lost the count.” he smiles while looking at you. “would you lay down with me?”

“okay, jus’ let me take off your shoes.” he keeps staring at you while you help him get rid of his jacket and shoes, he even smiles every time you make eye contact.

once you’re lying on your bed again, aemond turns to you. “why were you crying?” it doesn’t surprise you, really, he’s always been extra observant.

“i had a bad migraine.” you shrug, avoiding his gaze. but his slender fingers on your chin make you look directly at him. you try to steady your heart, pounding in your chest so hard you know he can hear it.

“yea’ right.” aemond mocks you. “after that pill i gave you this morning there’s no way you still had it.”

“maybe it wasn’t as effective as you thought.”

“would you stop for a second?” he grimaces, bringing his hands to his temple. “i can’t think straight and you already have my mind going in circles.”

“what does that mean?”

he sighs, caressing your cheek. “you don’t even notice.”

“notice what?” you ask, confused. he’s drunk and talking nonsense, and having him so close to you isn’t helping.

“that i’m—” he whispers, not breaking eye contact, air tick between the two of you. a part of you hopes his next words are the ones you were dying to hear for so long. you also hope you’re not dreaming when you see him lower his gaze to your lips. you’re extra aware of the proximity, you feel his breath on your face, combination of alcohol, cigarettes and just aemond. he parts his lips and you instantly close your eyes. “m’going to be sick.”

“what?” you open your eyes only to miss his warmth.

aemond rushes to the bathroom, face pale. you know he’s throwing up before you even get out of bed, and it doesn’t take long for you to be by his side.

aemond whines when you try to get closer, a wet cloth in hand. “don´t.”

“i’ll always hold your hand, aem.” you whisper, reminding him of the words he’s said to you a bunch of times. when you get closer again he doesn’t say anything and just lets you do your thing. “this is goin’ to make you feel better.” you say quietly, filling a glass of water and kneeling beside him.

aemond groans, resting against the wall behind him. you do the same. “you know,” he turns his head to you. “you are really, really pretty.”

your cheeks go red immediately and you know aemond notices that too, so you try to look somewhere else but his hands on your jaw don’t let you. and so you find yourself looking straight into his blue eyes, full of something you can’t figure it out. but he stares at you for a long time, or maybe it's just seconds, but you feel like he spends hours smiling at you with his eyes slightly closed, like you’re going to vanish if he stops and leave him there on the bathroom floor feeling pathetic.

“and you are really, really drunk.” your voice is barely a whisper, still looking at him.

“you don’t believe me? you don’t believe me.” he shakes his head, the smile growing. “you’re so oblivious.”

“m’not!” you complain, pulling his hand away.

you really don’t know what he’s talking about, but he doesn’t need to know that. he also does not need to know you’re feeling those familiar butterflies in your belly, the ones that appeared the first time he held your hand, leaving your entire body tingling.

“i should kiss you right now to see how oblivious you are after.” aemond says casually, as if he didn’t just say what you think he did.

“wh—what?” this time your eyes are fix on the bathroom floor; the tiles are more interesting than his eyes. oh but you know if you look at him again you’ll be completely lost. you know he’s drunk and saying things he doesn’t really feel because he doesn’t feel that way about you, right? suddenly, your eyes are on him again. “don’t say things you don’t mean.”

“but i mean it.” his eyes dart to your lips. when he looks up again, he realizes he’s been caught. “do you want to kiss me, sweet girl?” aemond moves closer, his face inches away from yours. of course you want to kiss him, you’ve been dreaming of it for years, and even in those dreams, it didn’t feel this surreal.

“why don’t you ask me again when you’re sober?” you shake your head, a smile making its way on your face. “and your breath stinks, by the way.”

aemond laughs, resting his head on your shoulder. your heart skips a beat because he doesn’t say anything, and when you are going to speak again not knowing exactly what to say but wanting to hear something from him, anything that could tell you how he really feels, aegon appears in the doorway.

“hey, lover boy, it’s time to go.” he kneels in front of you and his brother just groans, hiding behind your hair and inhaling your perfume.

“you smell nice.” the smile on his face is one of drunkenness.

and when you witness how aemond can barely stand, your heart breaks into tiny pieces. maybe aemond was just drunk, maybe he just wanted to kiss you because you were the only girl with him. you weren’t aemond’s first choice; you were his last.

you wake up feeling a little optimistic. you don’t know if aemond really meant what he said, but you are ready to face whatever his words may be, even if those words break your heart.

none of your friends are in the common hall when you go downstairs and, in all honesty, you don’t want to look for them, there's only one person in your head and you’re going to find him before all bravery leaves your body.

you are smiling widely when you step into the great hall, familiar faces sitting at the table but not the one you’re looking for. your smile falters when you get closer to your friends, all of them laughing and talking about the party last night. maybe he’s still asleep, maybe you’ll grab some food and bring it to him. maybe you could do that if he wasn’t sitting next to alys rivers at her table.

tears fill your eyes as you hear helaena’s voice calling your name, but all your attention is on aemond and the smile adorning his face. all you can hear before running out of there it’s his laugh. of course he wasn’t thinking straight, what were you thinking? he’s so charming and handsome, always helping others, always smelling good, always flirting with pretty girls in the hallways, always enjoying his popularity. he’s tall, agile and strong, smart; of course he needs a girl that can match with him, his needs. and you’re not that girl. you’re not popular, most of the time you are running late to classes, asking help from others, you don’t do sports and it shows, it’s a miracle if a boy flirts with you and if a boy does it, most of the time it’s because him or his friends want you to introduce them to your girlfriends. you are not that pretty either, you have bags under your eyes, you barely do make up and your hair is a disaster. what could aemond targaryen possibly like about you?

you barely make it to the stairs leading to your dorm when a hand grabs your wrist, heavy breathing behind you. “wait!”

“sorry, i forgot something,” you say quickly, wiping your tears with your free hand. “i’ll be back in a minute.”

he lets you go and you run to the stairs, before his words stop you. “i was really drunk las’ night, wasn’t i?”

“yes.” you say with a bitter laugh.

“shit— i think i threw up in your bathroom.” he laughs, and you hear his footsteps getting closer. “sorry ‘bout that.”

“it’s okay.” you smile even though he can’t see your face. “i need to grab this thing before class, you know how profess—“

“i’m sober now.”

your heart stops beating, everything around you stops. did you hear him right? you don’t dare to move, you can’t.

what could aemond targaryen possibly like about you?

“but i saw you with al—”

“she’s barely a friend.” he explains. “i don’t know if what you said last night was because you didn’t know how to reject me,” he starts saying, moving closer and closer to you. “but i’m here anyway. i can’t hide what i feel inside me anymore.” and that’s when you turn around.

he’s a few feet away, fidgeting with his hands and looking at you with that same something you saw last night.

“i’ve loved you since the first time i saw you. when—”

“when we met on second year.” you interrupt him, cocking your head to the side. of course you remember, because the letter you got from your parents that year was the reason your whole friendship started. you just can’t believe what you are hearing. now the tears streaming down your face have a different reason, one you did not think was possible.

he smiles sheepishly at you. “no—that was not the first time i saw you.” he scratches the back of his neck, meeting your gaze. “i saw you the first day of school, on the train. you were sitting next to baela and i remember thinking ‘god, i’ve never seen such a beautiful girl before’” he takes one step forward. “i remember thinking i was seeing an angel.” he chuckles, his face red and eyes glistening. “i’m seeing one right now.”

you can’t see due to the cascade coming from your eyes, you try to wipe it, only for them to be replaced with more tears. you didn’t think you could smile this big, to feel this happy, to feel this loved.

“i remember seeing you in classes, in the hallways… always so pretty.” he takes another step, this time only looking at your eyes, not fidgeting with his hands, not uncertainty in his words. “i was a silly, silly boy back then and didn’t know how to talk to you, so when on second year you got that letter,” he looks shy, his eyes meeting the floor. “i took it and convinced the boys to persuade our parents to stay. i wanted to stay with you, i wanted to see you smile again and—when i saw the smile you gave me, it was all worth it.”

you rush to him, face wet and blushed, and a heart beating so fast you think it’s going to explode. locking your arms around his neck, you softly press your lips to his in a kiss full of unspoken words, full of passion and love and tenderness. you are both crying and it’s wet, but oh so perfect.

“you love me?” you ask, smiling with teeth. you have never been so happy before, you have never felt so safe in someone’s arms as you feel in aemond’s; you have never felt so in love with aemond targaryen as you feel right now.

“i am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with you.” aemond murmurs, lips curled in a grin, arms around your waist making you feel those butterflies you’ve experienced through the years once more.

“and i am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with you, aemond targaryen.” you say softly, caressing his cheek. a new set of tears already falling down your face. “always have been.”

[monst]

LOVEE your tim fics🩷🩷 i keep coming back to read them again 🥹 if its okay can i ask if youre planning anything else for him?

Aww Thank you! That really means a lot!  And it’s more than okay to ask! Eeeekkk I’m like obsessed with Tim so there’s so much I have planned for him. I try to hold myself back cause I don’t wanna be stingy and hog the tags >.<

Ahhh okay okay I’m just really excited! Right, so imma separate this into two categories Sfw & nsfw(Under cut)

WC- 800 

Sfw: 

Tim drake General hc’s: We’re sitting at 2.3k words for this so I’m tryna cut this down. 

A couple of cute date fics: Sort of like “Go for a drive” and “Watching the sunset” Ex: Watching movies in the car (Drive up movie theater), Skateboarding, and slushies (Some graffiti)  Gala shit, Maybe some sports stuff cause he’s low-key sporty (Multifacited this one, probably why I like him so much lol) Magic shenanigans while play their version of D&D (Kinda like that one Gravity falls episode, gotta bring in my witch boy Klarion) Mostly fluff

Another edition of ‘High Ramblings about Tim Drake’: I mean I typed it out and I figured I might as well post it- just general ideas on what DC can do with his character. Hypothetical story arcs, his position in Gotham, his age and alias, etc. 

Father, there's something wrong with Timothy: Aftermath of Joker Junior, Mostly from Damian’s pov. This one is more of an Elseworlds au since I didn’t want it to be the Batman Beyond version. Anon requested the batfam’s reaction to his relapse so it’s canon adjacent? (Not an x reader) Thriller/Horror. 

Executive Tim: Anon req. Yandere Tim Drake. He’s already got a killer migraine and Tam’s replacement already screwed up. Screwed up may be a bit harsh but with the week he’s had he wasn’t feeling quite charitable. The mix-up with one of their outside distributors has Tim calling different vendors. Multiple calls later and he swears if he gets transferred to a different department one more goddamn time he’s going to- “Hello you’ve reached (Your name) how can I help you?” - Employee poaching lol, Unhealthy power dynamics, Gratuitous abuse of power.

Around the world: Series in no particular order. I hc that he’s learned to make the most of his time with his partner. (Past relationships failing due to not spending any time together) So even if you're not a vigilante he takes you with him on missions if you're also free and down. Needs to do a stakeout? Going undercover? Trailing a suspect? Or just general boots to the ground investigating? He’s asking if you’d like to tag along. However, anything that involves him in the mask or anything that involves physical combat is off the table. You walk into his apartment and see Tim's bitchy face and he just asks you “You wanna go to Switzerland?”

Old friend: Some call it being at the wrong place at the wrong time others prefer to call it fate. Honestly, he never pondered fatalism. But the joker was dead and there were no leads. Whoever had done it didn't leave anything behind nor did they announce it. It had to be fate. After all, this was the kind of death the psychotic clown would have despised. It’s been two weeks and the blame game had already been played. Solid alibis. He was told not to investigate. So he was in some dingy laundromat with Ives; catching up with old friends to curb his need to investigate. But he recognized the employee refilling the quarters “(Name?)” - Mystery, suggestive themes, smoking, gang affiliations, Hypocrite Tim Drake

Not your typical office romance: Multi-chapter, your company sends you as part of a team to initiate building reforms in Gotham. As a result, your introduced to your new colleague for this project Tim Drake from Wayne’s R&D department. You're eager to get to work, but your flakey coworker is halting progress. Your polite facade comes crumbling down due to massive misunderstandings. Lots of antagonism, Bitchy Reader

Nsfw:

Escalation 2: This one is mostly done just need to edit. You found a way to play off not seeing the snap but my boy is shameless. And you may have started something you'll lose at.... There is now a part three in the works..... Fml but fucking screaming at how much it well escalates 😆

Deal with the devil: Dark! Tim drake (Borderline Yandere) Hmm. This one is fucked; He should have left you to your fate. You knew better than to go investigate that cave alone but that’s just who you were, reckless, fickle, unburdened, hardheaded. He didn’t know whether he hated you or if he was just deeply envious. But even so, he couldn’t just leave you alone, not when you actually used the emergency beacon he gave you. Not when you actually kept it. He should have expected that it was Ra’s Al Ghul’s doing, he should have ignored his words, he should have but a snake seduced Eve in the Garden of Eden, and wasn’t Ra’s a devil? 

Five minutes: Oral fixation reader, Tim’s playing Apex (Octane or Horizon main) with some old friends but you really need him in your mouth. Subspace. Why Apex? Because everything I know about it has been involuntary. 

Vacation: Sort of a spin-off of Across the World. This series involves trips around the states and the world. He’s a vigilante but he’s also a very public figure that still needs to attend certain social events. Ex: Ski trips(This one* mhm), Weekend Conferences, or just a vacation. (Cases might align with an event)

Indecent: You come up to his office while he’s busy. But you came up looking too distracting how on earth is he supposed to concentrate? Spoiler he doesn’t. (SneakPeek)

Boudoir pics: Cute flirty pictures of each other that's what this was supposed to be.

Impatient: The fact that your boyfriend could so easily hold you down was very hot. But you're so over it, if he didn't stop teasing you were going to die! Tim x M. Reader

Lastly: he has like two days in the upcoming kinktober event.  Maybe an add to possibility ft Poison Ivy

  A/N: My undiagnosed ADHD won’t let me write things in order so that’s the reason why most of my stuff takes a while and/or sits in my drafts for ages (Ex: I have Bruce Hc’s that have been done for weeks…) Also, thanks for the ask! I had all of these all over the place this def helped me organize it all. 

[thecapricunt1616]

Blue Lotus - SxC One-Shot

♡ O/S Inspo: Blue Lotus - In Vedic Hindu tradition, the lotus represents enlightenment as well as purity. It is the symbol of the consciousness rising out of the mud of Maya and attaining its original nature or self-realization. 

♡ Summary: Carmen accidentally almost checks out of life permanently due to a migraine fucking up his vision, and Sugar flips & sends him off to a trauma rehabilitation center, Syd is realizing she finds it extremely hard to stay away from him.

♡ W/C: 7,616

♡ Posted Date: 04/06/2024

♡ A/N: This is my first SydCarmy fic aaa!!! I have a hard time writing in 3rd unless its not my characters, so writing in 3rd for them was okay! This OS is all thanks to the LOML - the person who FULLY turned me into a #SydCarmy4Lifer - @gingergofastboatsmojito - This fic was HEAVILY - heavily, inspired by hers - Tucson, It can be found right ❀ here ❀ - My only request is you go read hers if you are going to read this one!! Her SydCarmy fics are the best, and the only ones I really read, give her a follow because her SydCarmy theories are also out of this world. Also, YES GINGER - Stardust is .... a horse - ol' girl TOLD THEM she'd always be watching!! If you'd like to meet Madame in her human form, mosey on over here - this fic also heavily inspired me to write for SydCarmy hahaha. If y'all want more of Blue Lotus let me know! I have ideas for a PT 2 if it would fancy anyone :)

♡ Warnings for BTC: Accidental OD , Vomit, Sad Syd, but fluffy kinda!! Only lightly edited (we die like men), OC Carmy (IM SORRY) we all know he's down bad for her so maybe this can be considered IC Carm, because were just in his head more then watching him? But that's all basically.

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

Carmen was sick as a dog. Well - physically- the mental demons never stopped nagging at his overall happiness level, but it had been a long time since he’d felt this horrible, physically speaking, at least. 

His muscles were aching, to the point any brush on his skin left a dull pain in its wake. His throat was swollen and sore, he had a terrible fever- his head felt like it was so full of pressure that it would explode. 

He’d never experienced a headache like this before. His vision was actually spotty, there were little blotches in his vision, that were... glowing? He wasn’t quite sure, it was beyond the realm of anything he’d ever felt or seen before. 

That was what must have caused him to grab his black bottle of oxydose he’d gotten after a root canal he had a few months back- rather then his liquid Zyrtec cold and flu liquid medicine. 

The pain in his head was so bad, he didn’t even question why the usual cherry flavor had been replaced with bubblegum, as he swallows straight from the bottle, before putting the cap back on and going back to the couch, collapsing in the nest of pillows and blankets. 

It was only about 10 minutes, and Carmy was feeling fine- no…Carmen was feeling… amazing. 

His limbs all felt very heavy, but he felt warm, and comfortable. As comfortable as he’d ever felt. He actually found himself thinking ‘have I ever felt this good?!’ And before he knew it, he was laughing to himself about how he should double dose cold medicine more often, because he felt as if he was on cloud fucking nine. 

He laid back on the couch, closing his eyes, and wasn’t sure just how long he laid there that way. It could have been minutes, hours, days for all he knew. The only thing he was thinking of, was her. He began wondering what she was doing right now, if she was adorably leaned over the counter, writing in her little notebook- her braids cascaded over her face like a beautiful beaded curtain. 

If the blood in his arms hadn’t been replaced with cement, he’d have grabbed his phone and called her, and poured out his entire heart to her. Because nothing else in the world right now mattered. Carmen had no other thoughts, the past didn’t exist, nor did the future. The only thing that existed in this world at this very moment, was Sydney. 

‘Psssst’ 

Carmen opens his heavy lids, just barely, his vision was blurry and almost doubled. “Mmm?” He hums, not even sure if he heard someone- or why he would hear someone. He lived alone, and didn’t hear anyone come in. 

‘Yo. Dipshit.’ Carmen knew that voice anywhere. 

“What?” Carmy looked around, and knew something was very amiss, when his brother was standing there in his living room, looking at him. He had this ethereal glow to him. 

“What the fuck” Carmen said, sitting back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.  

‘You’re nodding out right now. Here’s what y’gonna do.’ 

Carmen couldn’t do anything but nod his head obediently, was Mikey really here? He couldn’t be- he was hallucinating. 

“Monkey are you here?” Carmen asks softly, rubbing his eyes again to see if he would disappear. He didn’t. 

‘I’m as here as you’ll be if Y’don’t listen. Crawl to the fucking bathroom and throw up. She’s gonna be here f’you, don’t fight her’ 

Before Carmy could look back at him and question what he meant - he was gone. 

Carmen suddenly felt…much too hot. He tried getting up, but narrowly missed bashing his skull on the coffee table trying to get to the bathroom, so he decided to take his wise older brother's advice and crawl there instead. 

He didn’t finish the journey, though. He actually collapsed in the bathroom a few feet in front of the toilet, luckily on his stomach. 

He was catching all sorts of luck today, because Syd had insisted she go and check on Carmy, as he was supposed to be at work today but hadn’t said a word- and that was nothing like him. 

She got the extra key from Nat, and told her she would go check because ‘Pregnant women have by nature weaker immune systems’ and would blame herself if she ‘let Carmen get her sick’, so she convinced Sugar to let her go by herself. 

When Sydney had opened the door, the first thing that greeted her was loads of empty Gatorade bottles on the coffee table near the couch, and a random French cooking show playing on the tv. 

“Carm?” She calls, but when she saw one of his feet sticking out from the bathroom, she dropped her bag and ran, gasping when she saw him splayed out there in a puddle of vomit, looking sickly pale, with dark blue lips and fingertips. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF!” She shrieked, getting him on his side as fast as she could and quickly pushing the emergency button on her phone, putting the call on speaker and setting it to the bathroom counter. 

“Carmen? CARMEN! Wake up!” She slapped his arm, shaking him violently. “Carmen! Oh- oh god.” She said nervously. 

‘911 do you need fire, medical, or police?’ The woman at the other end says. 

“Medical! Medical my friend- oh god Carmen” she shakes his shoulders. 

“Okay what’s your emergency?” The operator asks 

“Uhh- I- he’s- so he’s thrown up, he’s passed out, his pulse is weak- he- his lips- t-they’re blue. oh Carmy” she touches his cold clammy forehead. “He- he’s- he’s cold oh my god why is he COLD can you fucking send someone Jesus Christ!” Sydney snaps angrily. 

“Okay- it sounds like he is having an opioid crisis ma’am, do you have narcan available?” The operator asked her and Syds heart drops. 

“No- what? No! He- he wouldn’t- his brother- he…get here!” She said frantically and quickly told her the address of Carmen’s apartment complex.

“Yes, yes you’re calling on an Iphone, ma’am - we have your exact coordinates. Just in case - do not try to make him throw up more, make sure his airway is clear- what is your name?” The woman asked her. 

“Sydney- my name is fucking Sydney - but it doesn’t matter! He matters! My god! His name is Carmen- C-Carmen fucking Berzatto! Put that in your notes lady! He- he’s 31- where the fuck is the ambulance?!” She uses all of her strength to get him leaned up against the counter. 

His vomit was getting everywhere, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t find a way to care, the only thing that mattered to her was that each breath Carmy was taking looked more and more difficult. 

“They are en route! Remain calm, how long have you known this friend?” The Operator tried to distract Sydney, since there was only so much you could do for an OD patient if there was no narcan. 

“He- he’s my…my partner we run a restaurant together. This doesn’t matter! Save him. Please! I can’t loose him!” She said, shaking his shoulders. 

“Carmen! You fucking asshole! What did you do!!!” She shouts at him. “You would never do this! What did you do!!!” She couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, it didn’t matter though- Carmen wasn’t awake to see it. 

No, Carmen was far, far away. Somewhere floating between life and death, he felt like he was being embraced in the warmest most comforting hug he’d ever felt, he’d never been more comfortable in his life. 

But Syd, was in hell. Her own personal version of it. It felt like a lifetime before 2 paramedics came barreling into the bathroom, one of them holds Carmys head steady and the other sprays a full dosage of narcan in his nose. 

Sydney stood in the corner near the shower, shaking hands cupping her face absolutely terrified. 

Carmen was up now, nearly the second the paramedic hit the plunger release. He sits up with a gasp, eyes wide like a caged animal. 

“What the fuck.” He mumbles, looking at both of them before meeting eyes with Syd. 

“Syd?” He blinks a few times. 

She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding “you asshole” she grumbles, wiping her teary eyes. 

“You’re home, you’re safe, you overdosed. Do you take opioids often?” The paramedic asked, putting a blood pressure cuff around Carmen’s arm. 

“What? No- what the fuck don’t touch me!” Carmen snaps, ripping off the cuff and whipping it across the bathroom “stop- stop! Stop touching me- get away” he shouted angrily “I’m fine” he hissed. 

“CARMEN!” Sydney barks, she’d never used that tone with him- so it was fair to say it very quickly got his attention. 

“You will let them do their job, dick. I just- I- I find you in a puddle of your own vomit on the bathroom floor- I couldn’t wake you up! So now? you’re gonna listen to them.” She said angrily, grabbing the blood pressure cuff from next to her leg where it fell and handing it back to the paramedic.

“Give him your arm.” She snipped. 

Carmen sits back against the bathroom wall like a dog being scolded, wordlessly offering his arm to the paramedic and keeping his gaze fixed on his lap. 

“192 over 96” the paramedic told the other. 

“Christ kid” the paramedic said, “gave you a fuckin dose of narcan and y’wired like y’re on coke” they helped him up and on the gurney. 

“Hes- he’s gonna be okay?” Sydney asked anxiously, watching as they buckled him in by his hips and legs. 

“He's gonna be fine in a day or so.” One of them responded. Carmen just looked away, the shame and embarrassment already looming over his mind like a huge storm cloud. 

“I’m gonna…I’ll- I’ll clean up, and meet you at the hospital, ok? And I’ll have sugar meet you” she told Carmen and went over, giving him a hug. 

He couldn’t understand. It made him slightly angry how sweet she was being to him. He was putting her out, he was fully fucking up her whole day- but all she was worried about was him. 

“Syd..I’m fine. Thanks. But I’m fine. Don't- just…ugh no- please- I’ll do it. Just go- go home. take the day” He said, gently patting her back. 

He wanted to throw his arms around her and never let go, he wanted to kiss her- he wanted to hold her and tell her he would never leave her again. He wanted to tell her he loved her. 

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would, or could for that matter, since he didn’t even realize yet that was what the feeling in his heart really meant. 

“Thank god. Thank god you’re fine, Carm. What would I do without the biggest pain in my ass?” She teased. 

Even though Carmen was hurting all over in a way he didn’t realize was possible, his lungs were aching, as was his entire body, and he felt as if the pressure behind his eyes were going to make them pop out - he smiled. It was slight, of course. But it was there. 

“Couldn’t get rid’a’me if y’tried, Syd.” he told her. 

The ride to the hospital was Carmen’s nightmare. They insisted on the stupid flashing lights and sirens, since his blood pressure was ‘dangerously high’ so he was at risk for a heart attack, and then rolling him out on a stretcher in front of all his neighbors was nothing short of a god damn dumpster fire. 

He was never home, but like hell he’d ever intentionally show his face during the day again. 

The hospital was even worse, he got plugged in to all these monitors and had an oxygen mask, got poked and prodded with needles, and was told he was being put on a 24 hour psych hold per hospital policy after an overdose- just in case he’d been trying to end his own life. 

Sugar got there shortly after the nurses had finally let him be, when he heard her loudly telling them “CARMEN! BERZATTO! Like bear! B-e-r-z-a-t-t-o!!! Where IS HE !” He ripped off the oxygen mask, knowing if she saw him that way he’d never live it down. 

Even though it really was helping ease the ache in his lungs and the pain in his head, he was willing to deal with it for his very pregnant sister not to worry. 

Her heels click as she storms down the hall to his room, ripping the curtain back. 

“Oh- Bear” she said, bursting into tears and rushing up to him, hugging him tightly. “Oh my god, bear. Never do that! What did you do? No- no- you aren’t in trouble, you aren’t in trouble, Carmen. I love you. You just worried me! You made Sydney cry Carmy! What the fuck- what happened?” She cupped his cheeks, observing his exhausted face. 

“Oh you’re sick- you’re so sick- Carmy” she felt his forehead and cheeks with the back of her hand like she did when they were kids. “It was an accident, right, right Bear? You wouldn’t do this?” She said, more pleading him than asking.  

“No. No. No sug, no- I- I’d never. I just fucked up! I’m fine. I’m fine. C’mere” he hugs her close, kissing her head gently. “Stress isn’t good for the baby bear” he joked, hoping it would get her to lighten up. 

“Carmy stop” she pushed away, looking at him seriously. “No. No. This isn’t okay- nothing - nothing about this is okay, bear! You almost died! Syd said- “ she shook her head. “Carmy. I- we can’t do this. We can’t. You’re right.” She sniffled, sitting back in the chair next to his hospital bed and wiping her tears. 

“What- what do you mean?” He sat up a bit. 

“I- if you….i can’t watch you like this anymore, Carmy. I can’t- I can’t see you wither away. Fucking emotionally anymore. It’s killing me. It’s hurting-“ she took a shaking breath. 

“It’s hurting your niece. Carmen. I can’t do it anymore. here.” She dug around her purse, pulling out a brochure. 

“Go- go. Get out of fucking Chicago, Carm. This place- I-i heard of it” she sniffled “its stupid-“ she laughed a bit, shaking her head. “So stupid, fuckin this..this Astrologer. She said in her podcast that this is the best place to go based on the location? I dunno…it’s a therapy place” she said. 

Carmen looked at the Brochure, his brows raising. 

‘Blue Lotus Trauma Therapy Rehabilitation Center’ the front contained photos of absolutely breathtaking pine trees, mountains, as well as red cabins. 

‘Blue Lotus is tucked safely away on Big Bear Lake in Big Bear, CA. Come and experience an inpatient by day, outpatient by night 30 day program, along with 15 days of sole inpatient TF-CBT therapy, focused on your direct needs as a patient. We specialize here at Big Bear in Equestrian Therapy, and Cattle Therapy. Enjoy hiking on hundreds of miles of breathtaking trails, and get to know the stunning haven that is Big Bear, California.’ 

“Horses.” Carmen looks at her, unwavered. 

“Yes! They say they like- get us or something? You’ll be back before I give birth. Go. Carmen. Go. Or- or I can’t work there, anymore it-“ she shakes her head, looking down at her swollen belly as hot thick tears stream down her cheeks. “It’s like watching Michael…again. In a different way” she said quietly, wiping her face and looking up at him once again. “Please.” She whispered. 

He shook his head, setting the stupid brochure down on the bedside table and laying back in the bed, grabbing the oxygen since his head was beginning to pound again and putting it back over his face, averting her worried gaze. 

“I don’t have the energy to call these people” he muttered, closing his eyes and resting his head back, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. 

“I- I already got you a bed. I called them…on the way over- I begged them. And they are willing to take you, Carmy. Please. I’ll pick your cabin and everything - you- you stay in a cabin after the 15 days and then for 30 you go back and forth. It sounds so nice, bear. I know they’re gonna take such good care of you think about it- please- will you go?” she got up, pulling him into a hug. 

“Thank you” she whispered after a few moments when he didn’t decline her. 

Carmen didn’t reply. If Sugar really thought that stupid place would make him ‘change’ (if that was even possible) and if she really felt as if it was affecting her child that was growing inside of her- he would give it a try. Even though he felt as if it would be just another money pit in the name of ‘mental health’ that didn’t do a thing. 

“There’s dead man walkin’!” Richie said, Syd following in behind him. 

“Stop! Don’t call him that Richie it was scary!” Syd shoves his shoulder. 

Carmen grabbed the brochure, quickly tucking it under the blanket. 

“Fuck you, cousin” Carmy said, his voice all nasally and low from his flu or whatever the fuck he’d picked up, that had led him to giving himself a cocktail of meds that almost sent him to Michael prematurely by total mistake. 

“Carmen is leaving. As soon as he’s released. So- get your time in he won’t be home for a month or two” Sugar said and sat down, not budging on the issue. 

Carm just rolled his eyes, laying his head back and wanting to melt into a puddle on the floor, but at the same time, he also wanted to pull Syd into the stupidly small hospital bed, and hold her to him, never letting her go. 

“You are?” Syd asked, coming to his bedside and meeting his gaze. 

He just stared at her. Wordlessly, he pulled out the crumpled brochure and offered it to her. She took it, looking at it. Richie comes over as well, peeking over Syd’s shoulder to read. 

“Equestrian therapy? Gonna go play with some horsies Carm?” He teased, his smugness being wiped off his face when Syd stomps on his foot with most of her weight, causing him to whine in pain. 

“Woops! Maybe you should learn some personal fucking space asshole” she shoved back in to him so he would take a few steps back. 

“Ow!” He said dramatically, plopping next to Sugar who was also glaring at him with equal fire. 

“Okay- okay- sorry fuckin hell. The kid is fine” he said and Carmen motions to him. 

“See! See! Jagoff is right sometimes” he said to Syd and she shook her head. 

“This…is good. This is really good. I’m for this.” She said, looking at Sugar before handing the brochure back to him. “I’m… gonna miss you, but…you need to get the fuck out. Like really, out, Carm.” She told him. 

He sighed deeply, resting his head back and closing his eyes once more. 

Whatever will make Syd happy, he would do, no matter the amount of discomfort it brought him. 

“Fine.” He mumbled.  

“Really?” Sugar asked him and he looked over at her, brows slightly furrowed. 

“Want me to fuckin fight you about it?” He snipped, already annoyed with how easy he was giving in- but he was too exhausted to fight, and Syds lavender perfume was so comforting, and so familiar. He just wanted everyone except Syd to leave, and to be able to hold her. 

That wasn’t going to happen though, probably ever was what he’d told himself. No, that would be too good, the universe would be much too kind to Carmy as to let him have the ultimate pleasure and enjoyment that would come from being with her in that way. 

“No…no. I’m sorry. Thank you, Bear. I know this is gonna be good”  Sugar said quietly. 

The doctor came in, saving Carmen from the uncomfortable conversation. “Hello again, Mr.Berzatto. I have your results here- is this okay company? If not I can have them step out for a moment” she’d said. 

Carmen had already completely forgotten her name, her name to him was simple - not Claire. Which was the only good thing to happen to him today. 

“As long as I’m not dying cause these two will pitch a fit. You can go ahead” he said, sitting up slightly in the bed. 

“No, no. you are very healthy, well- for the most part. Does your family have a history of high blood pressure?” She asked, sitting in the rolling chair next to the bed and holding her tablet in her lap. 

“Dad. Dad did, bear.” Sugar said. 

“Oh! Lovely- and did dad also have chronic treatment resistant depression?” The doctor turns to her. 

“I- I don’t know but…I know he was depressed for sure.” Sugar replied honestly. 

“And I know per your file you’re a smoker, heavy or moderate?” The doctor asked 

“Heavy” Syd buts in and Carmen didn’t even have the energy to fight either of the women. 

“So heavy is a pack plus a day does that sound average?” The doctor asked Carmy and he nods a bit. 

“Sometimes…sometimes two. Depending on uh…how shit is” he cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, so we’re gonna need to reduce as much as we possibly can. And we’re also going to speak about treatment options. Have you ever done mental therapy?” She asked Carmen. 

“He’s getting help. Don’t worry” Sugar said, “he’s going to do a therapy program. Blue lotus? Heard of it?” She asked. 

The doctor nods with a slight smile. “That would be wonderful for you, by the looks of your chart.” She got up. 

“Visiting hours are over at 10 pm, he will need to remain here until at least 1 pm tomorrow afternoon- then he’s yours.” She headed towards the door, shutting the privacy curtain behind her before closing the door. 

Richie chuckled “hack job name” he muttered, rubbing his face tiredly. 

“What was her name?” Sugar looked over at him. 

“Doctor Ginseng?” He said, “isn’t that a- a fuckin-“ 

“A root. A very expensive, luxurious root. It can be put into tea, or soup…the native people of China believe it has properties that make your body better deal with stress” Syd said absentmindedly, staring at the clock while nervously twirling the end of one of her braids. 

“She got it” Carm said and the corners of his lips tugged into a smile, just a bit. He absolutely adored the way if Syd wasn’t beating him to the punch when someone asked a random food question- that she was teaching him something. 

Even after years in the kitchen, the hundreds of hours watching cooking shows, Sydney still managed to teach him. He was utterly amazed by her every single day. 

“That’s a good idea. I- I think we have some. Back at the restaurant. All the stuff here will be shit- I’m gonna make you tea. And soup.” she got up, grabbing her bag. “Don’t fucking die when I’m gone, Kay? Guess you need that reminder now” she told him. 

He rolled his eyes slightly “Y’don’t have t’fuckin make me tea Syd. I’m fine.” He said, but something deep inside him yearned for Syd to take care of him. He craved it. 

“I’m making the tea, and you’re drinking the tea. Be back soon” she said before heading out.

Sydney had stuffed Carm full of pastina chicken soup and warm ginseng tea with lemon, ginger root, and plenty of local honey. As well as sourdough bread that Marcus had made fresh that morning. 

They sat and talked, just the two of them for hours until visiting hours were over. The nurse had to actually warn them both that she’d told them 4 times already it was past visiting hours and she ‘wasn’t afraid to have people removed’ before Sydney finally hugged Carmy goodbye and left. 

They both took his leaving for 45 days extremely serious. They’d joked together about just how quickly and casually Sugar had whipped out the information, all put together so neatly - it was quite obvious she’d been waiting for an opportunity to ship Carmen off here. 

They laughed a bit, and shared stories, and of course Carm answered any and every question Syd had about running the restaurant on her own while he was going to be away. 

Syd had even pulled a chair up to the bed at one point, resting her legs across the mattress after taking her shoes off, and her legs were draped across his own. He didn’t dare say anything, though. He was relishing in the feeling of closeness with her, even if it was as close as they’d ever be.  

Syd had actually made him so excited that the nurse had come in when she first came back and Carmy realized they’d be alone, to realize he was perfectly fine- his heart had just settled at a new pace since she was around. 

He was feeling worlds better by the time he’d gotten to the airport on Sunday morning. He’d spent the rest of Saturday evening at Sugars after he’d been discharged from the hospital, and had one last close family meal with Syd, Richie, Nat, and Pete, well, Pete was a must - he couldn’t uninvite the man from his own house, unfortunately. 

Carmen would be in a hotel in Big Bear, California by nightfall, and by the following morning he’d be starting his 15 day inpatient stint at ‘Blue Lotus Trauma Therapy Rehabilitation Center’ tucked away on a farm, in a dip of Big Bear Lake. How fitting. 

The parking lot of the airport was full of tears, not from Carmy- of course, but a very tearful Sugar, who’d conveniently spent the rest of his hospital stay packing him 2 weeks of clothes to cycle through, explaining phones were allowed- but they gave the toiletries, since it was a mental health center after all. 

She kept hugging him, kissing his cheeks- as if she was sending him to war and not a fucking treatment center. “Is there…somethin’ I’m missing- am I never coming back er somethin are you selling me to some weird chef collector?” Carmen teased, getting at least a small giggle from her. 

“God no. I just… this will work Carmy. It has to work. You’ll get better, okay? It’ll all be fine.” She wiped her face. He nodded a bit. 

“It’ll work.” He said, he wasn’t sure if he believed it- but if it got her to stop feeling so sad, he would agree. 

“I love you, be safe ok?” She said for the millionth time “and remember look at your phone I sent you-“ 

“The flight number, Nat. I love you. Thank you again” he kissed her cheek, grabbing his suitcase and opening his texts, clicking his flight number she sent him. 

“Gate D11! Thank you Nat. Gotta go now- unless…” he teased. 

She smiled a bit, finally. “Get out of Chicago.” She pat his arm gently and got back in the car to a waiting Pete. 

The flight was okay, it felt much longer than he was expecting, but his anxiety told him a lot of things- he couldn’t trust minute things such as time and how he understands it anymore. The first thing he noticed upon landing was the stunning green, and the crisp air. 

The air felt…cleaner, then Chicago. It was chilly- since fall was quickly approaching. Carmen was suddenly grateful Nat had him put on a hoodie before leaving this afternoon. He had the entire evening to explore, and not be himself. 

He already was feeling some kind of new. He wasn’t here to work, definitely not to play, but he could enjoy himself, because he didn’t have to be him. At least not for the night. He opened the Uber app on his phone, booking a trip to the hotel to check in.  

When he’d gotten to the hotel and showered, dressing in some vintage Levi’s and a white long sleeve in trade for his short sleeve, along with his favorite plaid jacket. He had to get somewhere to see how people live here, how to be apart here, so he didn’t stick out like a sore thumb at this rehab place. 

He’d grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulders and opened Apple Maps on his phone, looking for a park to go sit at and just be. He found a park close by, simply called ‘BearHill Park’ and following the walking directions. 

He’d missed his ventures to various parks in New York, but especially in Copenhagen. Copenhagen had the most beautiful sunsets Carmen had ever seen before. He missed it sometimes, not the work, but the life. It felt worlds more simple then his life now, where every relationship, every aspect of his job- was dripping with difficulty to manage it all. 

When he got to the park, he’d found an oak tree that looked well over 200 years old, getting situated under it and resting against the trunk, taking out a cigarette and lighting it.  

He watched a couple and a baby walking by, carefully though as he’d learned quickly as a child most people don’t take kindly to being looked at for more then a few moments at a time. But Carmen didn’t watch people in an odd way, of course. He was just wanting to observe, see how he should be. And in a place so new, so out of his ordinary all by himself, it was gonna take a lot of observing to get himself readjusted. 

He watched as the father pushed the carriage along, the mother holding his hand happily. They were far away so he couldn’t hear what they were speaking about, but it must be funny because their heads were tilted back in laughter multiple points throughout the conversation as they continued on. 

He continued on his cigarette, his eyes now finding a younger couple. He sat up a bit, leaning further against the tree to get a better look. From behind, the woman reminded him a lot of Syd, of course it wasn’t- but it was also the way her boyfriend or- husband- Carmen wasn’t emotionally advanced enough to look for a ring, he’d never needed to before.

It was how his arms were covered in tattoos, and his hair was a muss of dirty blonde curls like his. It was how the woman was beautifully tall, with stunning long black braids, and a floral scarf tied around the top of her head. She was much more…boisterous then Syd, but none the less. They looked like them in another world.  

So not only, has this other man, found his Syd, the universe was determined to rub Carmen’s nose in it, or that’s how he took it, anyhow. 

He scoffed a bit, rolling his eyes and looking the other way. Of course. He thought. Everyone can be happy but me. I’m headed to adult crazy camp! And those two are just, fuckin happy and in love. 

The girl laughed loudly, causing Carmen to look back over. “CAMREN!” She squeaked as he tickled her. “Cam! Stop- I-I can’t breathe!! You asshole” she punched his shoulder playfully. 

“Do you give up?! Say it!!!” The man countered, continuing the assault on her sides. 

“No- NO! This- this is cheating!” She said, interrupted by her own laughs. 

“Cheating?! No, I'm getting what’s rightfully mine Scarlett!” He pinned her arms above her head. 

Carmen now looked away. He couldn’t help but think of Syd while watching them, and think of everything he was too pussy to pull off. He wished he could take Syd somewhere like this, but who would run the restaurant, and why would she say yes. 

He’d finished his cigarette by the time the couple had left and he took out his sketchbook and the pen that lived inside of it. He looked at the recipe on his phone Syd had sent ‘Farro Mafaldine with browned Black Truffle Butter and Chanterelles mushrooms’ 

He had tried it for her, and he actually told her he wanted another bite to be sure he was ‘getting everything’ when really- it was just so fantastic he couldn’t stop at one single bite. 

“Syd that is…wow. Really, really fuckin fire. If it weren’t for the mushroom, we’d need that on the permanent menu. Have you tried others?” He’d asked. 

Syd just smiled and nodded, a lot of times she was around Carmen- she thanked god for her darker complexion, considering he made her feel overly hot, all the time. Nearly every time he spoke to her, and she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t always this way. But ever since they opened the restaurant together- things had changed between them. Not for better, not for worse, the energy just… shifted. 

Carmen got lost in thought of Syd, and before he could realize what he was doing- he was drawing her. He rested his elbow on his knee, crouched over as he added details to each intricate little braid. It was one of Carmen’s favorite things about Sydney. 

No matter how she wore her hair, she looked absolutely beautiful. The braids, he did have to admit, were his favorite. Maybe it was because it was how her hair was when they met, but they interested him. He wanted to sit and watch her doing them. She told him a while back, she did them herself. 

Apparently, her mother wasn’t able to teach her- but she had cousins that could. She says it was usually much more expensive to have it done then just do it yourself, that part made sense to him. He was really impressed the first time he told her, she laughed a bit at that.  

‘Most of us do our own hair, I mean- unless you got it like that. But otherwise, just like the white girls we have to do it on our own’ Carmen blushed, feeling silly for not realizing. 

‘Yeah- yeah I..I get that but. I dunno…I’ve seen Sug do her hair…it seems easier” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. 

‘Oh, well yeah, that’s why I only do mine every 6 weeks!’ She’d said, wiping down the counter. 

‘Really? Well that’s cool. I thought you like…I dunno.’ He chuckled a bit. 

‘That I went home, took out 200 plus braids, and then put them all back in before I come in every day?’ She teased. 

Now Carmen’s cheeks were bright red. ‘Okay- listen I’m not a girl. I wouldn’t know’ 

Carmen caught himself smiling at the memory. He looked up at the setting sky, and his heart fluttered a bit at the beauty of it. He’d realized he’d sat there now for probably 5 hours, his back was aching, but he didn’t care. 

He didn’t care because this was the most at peace he’d felt since moving back to the states. And he was alone. He snapped a photo of the gorgeous sunset with his phone, hitting the send button and hovering over Syds name for a moment, before deciding to click it. 

She did tell him to text her when she got settled in after all. 

In CA - this place lives up to the name. Never seen so many bear statues in my life. 

He sends the text, with the photo attached, not even realizing the photo had been a live capture, and you could fully see the drawing of Syd for half a second if you held the photo down. 

He put his phone back in his pocket, continuing on his drawing. Back in Chicago, Syd was very glad that she was working today- because the only thing on her mind otherwise was one single person. 

“Okay guys! I need some hands here- we got 3 dishes for table 13 let’s move! Keep up the pace!” She called out. She had already been here 12 hours, and wasn’t planning on being out for another 6. 

It was just how Sydney operated - she couldn’t sit and worry about Carmen. It would just unearth emotions she didn’t want to go searching for, and once they came up she was worried it would ruin absolutely everything she’d worked so hard to maintain. 

And back across the country, 2,000 miles away, Carmen was contently packing his backpack, getting up, and heading to a small diner he’d seen. He enjoyed a quiet burger to himself, in the corner booth, looking out the window at the water. 

The place truly was beautiful, and very hidden away. There were barely any cars here, it was fully the opposite of anywhere he’d stayed long term, and he was beginning to feel as if he needed that, he wouldn’t admit that to sugar, though. 

He’d gone back to his hotel, taken a shower, gotten in his pajamas, and was laid in bed, watching some random cooking show on the food network since the TV unfortunately didn’t have YouTube like his did. 

When Sydney had seen the photo, she almost didn’t realize it was live at first. She was also at home, finally in bed- but she was 2 hours ahead of Carmen- so instead of it being 11 pm- it was 1 am. She’d scrubbed the restaurant floor until she was sure someone could eat off it, and made sure every station was in perfect condition before returning home.  

She laid in bed with sore hands, a sore back, and sore knees, and sore- well, everything. When she finally had checked her phone and seen it. She smiled a bit at the comment about the bear statues, clicking the photo open to see more. 

It was a breathtaking sunset for sure. She went to close the photo, her thumb lingering because she saw a speck of white in the corner- and the photo started moving. For just a short moment she sees…. Herself? On the page of Carmen’s sketchbook.

She could feel her heart thumping in her throat. Why would he be drawing her? Unless- no! Keep the emotions buried! He is sick. He is so depressed- treatment resistant depression the doctor had said his chart showed. 

She swallowed thickly, not sure what to say back. Should she just ignore it? Should she mention it boldly? Should she just…forget about it and convince herself it didn’t happen? 

She typed and retyped the message multiple times, smiling to herself a bit as she jokingly typed out ‘pretty sunset, even prettier drawing.’ Before deleting it and retyping before hitting send;

fire sunset. so I take it big bear is treating the bear well so far?

Carmen looked at the message right away, smiling to himself a bit. She’d never called him bear before, something about it made his heart begin to race. 

According to Nat, bear+big bear = depression gone, I’ll let you know in a few days if that's the truth.

He wasn’t sure about the whole equestrian therapy thing still, but he did know that being here seemed to allow him to breathe a little easier- and he was already here, so he would try.

The first 5 days in the inpatient program were…quite the adjustment. That was because it was what he learned was the most intensive part of the treatment, and meant to break down your walls by setting you in a hard routine so you had no choice but to think about your shit. 

This included a wake-up time of 6 am, the lights in his inpatient room literally turned on, then at 7:30 was breakfast, then- at 8 am they had 1 hour of either equestrian class, which you learned how to begin caring for the horses, or an hour of tending to the cows - Carmen chose the Horses because he was not going to shovel cow shit. 

Then, you had a therapy class of your choice from 9-11:30, he chose art therapy. It didn’t feel like therapy to him, they got to draw, or paint. Carmen just sat by the window, drawing different recipes - or, more often than not, drawing Syd from memory. 

12:00 was lunch, 12:30-2:00 you had mandatory either equestrian therapy, or cattle therapy. Carmen was more drawn towards the cattle on hard days, and the horses on easier ones. This was because the hour of 3-4 was mandatory group therapy. That usually emotionally drained him until at least art therapy the following day, since to progress and complete the program- you need ‘participation points’ in your 15 day inpatient stay, before you’re trusted to be on your almost fully on your own for a whole 30 days. 

The horses were usually nervous around new people, so it was a challange to get them to trust him. While the cows, people in the group joked- were ‘giant grass puppies’ the therapy consisted of literally just laying with the lazy cows and cuddling them, and feeding them snacks, which they very much enjoyed, and Carmen found to be very soothing once he learned to douse himself in bug spray before heading in the pen so the flys would be out of his way.

Then, dinner was at 5, and afterwards you had the evening to yourself in your room, or you could walk the trails until they closed at sunset. In your room you could watch tv, read, and the residents were also allowed to have their cellphones.  

It was quite exhausting the first 5 days, but the second 5 he was getting into a groove at Blue Lotus. He was beginning to enjoy the hard manual work that came with working with the animals, and the time it took to build their trust. There was one particular horse Carmen had become fond of, a white horse named Stardust. Perfect name for her. 

When he looked in her eyes she felt more human then most people he met in real life. She was different then the other horses. He’d been told that she rarely took to men, and that he was the only male she’d never need startled by. He always took extra time brushing her mane, and they both seemed to appreciate eachothers silence. 

Carmen heard other people in stalls next to him, they would talk to the horses- dump their issues they were too afraid to tell their therapists out on them. He wondered if the horses ever got annoyed, he probably would if he was a horse. He smiled a bit at the thought, and it was almost as if Stardust could tell what he was thinking, because she turned her head and looked at him before snorting almost in agreement and sticking her head back out of the stall. 

Getting into outpatient life at lotus though, was as easy as falling into bed for Carmen. His inpatient stay, he made sure to take the time in the evenings to learn his favorite quiet trails, the ones less taken usually, so when he graduated to outpatient - he could take stardust for rides on his own.

 It took them about 3 days to get to know each other in that regard, it was mostly Carmen’s fault though he realized, because when he’d get nervous he’d pull on her reigns in such a way that she thought he meant for her to go faster - when it was the opposite. But, Stardust was so, so patient with Carmen. 

He made sure to sneak her extra apples with a small drizzle of honey in return, so she knew her patience with him always came with great reward. 

Carmen had been gone for about a month now, he and Syd would text intermittently, sugar was sure to call once a week and they’d talk for about an hour. But it was mostly quiet from Carmen’s end, he had told them it was because he was usually out, all day long unless he was at therapy. 

It was day 19 of the outpatient part of the program, so he had just 11 days left. He had just finished his morning art therapy, and was in the stables tending to stardust, feeding her slices of pumpkin they’d had in the snack bucket for the horses today. “Come onnn- the tongue, really star” he wipes his wet hand on his jeans and she nudged his shoulder with his nose, asking for more. 

“You are greedy! I’m always the first one in here y’gotta leave some for the rest of these guys!” He grabbed another piece of pumpkin, feeding it to her. 

“And this is our horse stable, he spends a lot of time out here” Carmen heard one of the employees likely giving someone a tour, only half listening. 

Stardust snorts at him, nudging his chest and he rubs her neck gently. “What is it? Y’done? Pumpkin not good enough for ya? No honey apples until after our ride or Y’don’t listen missy” he pats her head gently. 

“I didn’t take you for a horse guy but I guess drop anyone off in the middle of nowhere and you’d be surprised. 34 days and you went full fuckin’ cowboy on me- are those boots, Carm? ” An all too familiar voice said from the large open sliding door of the stable He looked at stardust for a moment, he must be dreaming, or ODing again. Maybe he died, and had been dead the entire time. Because there was no way he could believe Sydney Adamu was standing behind him, 2000 miles away from their shared city, in Big Bear, California.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[especiallythewomenandthechildren]

As If Destiny (part ten) 🌹

Part 9.5🌹

a/n: the fact that i can keep finding gifs of this fine fine man.

love to you and even more love to you.

warnings: it's the hunger games universe. you know what you are getting into.

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3:02 A.M

3:03 A.M

3:04 A.M

Coriolanus Snow was immobile as he watched the time pass on the cracked clock along the wall. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight so he didn't even attempt it. Even as he closed his eyes due to the pounding migraine in his head, all he saw was you.

Your falling form, shaky hands, empty eyes. Silent mouth.

Not a single scream was heard from you when you got hit.

That was probably what haunted Snow the most. Your tragedy was silent. Life was slipping out of your being with no noise.

He sighed as he rubbed his eyes in frustration. He has been in the constant loop of falling into a rabbit hole of you, fighting to get out, then falling straight back in. This torture cycle has been going on for hours and wouldn't cease until he finally got to see you again.

When Coryo made it home, he fell straight into Tigris's arms. There was no need for him to explain what occurred as news spread like wildfire across the Capital. He always hated the speed of gossip across the city but was thankful for this one instance only because Tigris already knew what to do. She comforted her younger cousin and didn't pester him with questions but made sure he wasn't too lost in his head.

That's how they spent their entire evening until it hit midnight. The older Snow cousin could barely keep her eyes awake but swore she would stay by Coryo's side. Although, with enough reassurance that he would be fine and exhaustion overcoming her body, she finally relented to her small room.

While Coriolanus was glad Tigris was getting some well-earned sleep, he most definitely lied.

He was not fine.

3:11 A.M

He looked down at his desk where his own ideas for the Games lay. He had written them, revised, wrote some more, and revised even more. It was the only thing that got his mind off of your massacred form. If he edited anymore, he was sure to ruin the proposals.

The adolescent's blue eyes moved from the pages to stare out the window you loved so much. Those blossoming trees didn't sway as they usually did. Even they seemed disappointed at your disappearance.

While the flowering trees did remind him yet again of you, they also sprung an idea. It definitely wasn't the most intelligent idea and especially not the safest, but any reservations had to settle down as the Capital Zoo gates came into view. Why he was here? Even Coryo couldn't answer that but he figured it would be as good of a distraction as any.

The sweat piling on his palms seemed to be the only sign of reason within his being as he inched closer and closer. Not even twenty-four hours ago, a murder was attempted. On someone just like him. And someone got hurt. You got hurt.

He sighed as he was now only mere feet away from the gates. Coryo wondered if you would be upset at him being here. Would you think he is foolish or would you have faith in Lucy Gray?

There wasn't much lighting around the zoo but it wasn't necessary; Coriolanus could feel the eyes on him. The mentor could only pray that they were the brown eyes of the girl he was looking for.

"Lucy Gray?"

The hushed tone was hard to pick up on except if one was within a few meters of it. Whether the girl in question should be grateful she heard was still to be seen. Gently sliding Jessup's head off her shoulder, Lucy Gray creeped closer to the bars. Coriolanus waited a few moments before he opened his mouth to call out again. Though before any words were said, he was cut-off by a greeting from the singer herself.

"Coriolanus?"

He let out a breath when the girl presented herself, her appearance slightly shining under the dingy lighting. He brushed his hands through his now deflated curls. Lucy Gray waited patiently for him to form the words. Words he was unfamiliar with as he just spewed what was on his mind.

"I'm so sorry, I just- I couldn't sleep and thought you might be awake."

As soon as the words left his mouth, the blonde wished he could take them back. The reality of the situation hit him full force. Here he is interrupting what may be the last peaceful moments of this girl's life because he couldn't control his train of thought. He buried his face in his hands and stayed there until a small giggle was heard. He peered up to meet the soft smile of Lucy Gray.

"I thought mentors were supposed to take of us."

If it wasn't for her kind tone and sweet smile, Coriolanus would have been offended. He didn't know why he came to her, but a part of him trusted her. Or at least trusted she didn't have many people to tell.

His blue orbs watched her face deflate into one of worry as she walked closer.

"Is she okay?"

It was a quiet whisper burdened with concern. His trust was reaffirmed in Lucy Gray as he heard her concern for you. He nodded slowly while he opened his mouth to speak in a grave tone.

"She survived and will be released in a few hours. However, the cuts are aggressive "

Lucy Gray hung off of every word, genuinely concerned for your well-being. You were nothing but kind to her and Jessup. Not to mention you did try to help Brandy. The rest of the evening Lucy Gray kept on thinking about you and your actions.

Your kindness on the station, intimidating aura in the van, and quiet talk with Jessup in the zoo. The talk he didn't go much into detail about, still unsure of what to make of it. Lucy Gray didn't wish harm on anyone who has never personally harmed her and even though the redhead who mocked her own tribute was clearly cruel, she didn't believe she deserved death. When it all happened, the singer was shocked into stillness as she saw the murder attempt and was forced into movement when she saw your neck covered in blood.

After the incident and Brandy's corpse being carried out, the zoo was nearly empty of all visitors. The tributes mostly kept to themselves or their fellow district pair. Lucy Gray often thought of her family, the Covey, especially Maude Ivory. But it wasn't long before she once again thought over why you took the hit instead of the snarling girl.

The mentor didn't seem very happy with you and was insulting not only you, but someone clearly important to you. Lucy Gray has been around enough nasty folks to know that they always choose words carefully. Lucy Gray knew very little about you but even she could tell that whoever Otto was, he shouldn't have been mentioned.

The girl sighed herself as looked at the exhausted boy in front of her. The affection between you two was quite clear and it made her a bit more accepting of the Capital citizenship. If one can love another, they must have some sort of humanity.

"I can see why you love her."

Coriolanus Snow choked on his saliva upon hearing the words. His eyes were bright with fear and shock. The boy never even admitted that to himself and well he knew his feelings were strong, the word "love" was never used. Lucy Gray began internally panicking at seeing the boy's silence.

"You do love her right?"

Coryo's eyes scrunched slightly as he analyzed the soft tone used. Analyzed her question. In all his analysis, no answer provided itself.

"Is this what love feels like?"

He was eerily quiet; words spoken at a volume, it sounded like it would break. The question of her mentor made her relax and give a little laugh.

"Oh, you poor suffering soul!"

She teased lightly. Twelve hours ago, this situation wouldn't even be in either teenagers' wildest imagination. Yet here they stood, one lost in love-struck daze and the other in a satisfied companionship. Lucy Gray was behind bars, counting down the hours she had left in her life, but she wasn't too focused on that fact for the moment. The poster boy of the prestigious Capital stood completely vulnerable in front of her in the dead hours of the night.

These might be her last days of her young life, but Lucy Gray feels an odd sense of gratitude. She hates that she, along with the rest of the innocent tributes, are forced to massacre one another. Her blood boils at the thought that the Games are allowed and even encouraged. But she is grateful for Coriolanus.

Lucy Gray is still unsure why he came to her, but the action made her heart swell. Coriolanus didn't just see her as a tribute, or worse, just a pawn in the game to win the prize. She knew that was part of his motivations in his care for her, but in this quiet moment with no cameras, Coriolanus Snow sees her as a friend. A confidant in the silence of the city of whispers.

Her smile slightly deflated as she thought of her own run with love.

"You know, whatever happens in that arena, thank you. If for nothing more than showing me at least one man knows how to love in this world."

Coryo's stupor evaporated as the Reaping replayed in his head. Oh.

"That boy? He-"

"Didn't know how to love the girl who loved him. Got too greedy."

Lucy Gray's snarl was apparent as she thought over the boy and his affair who sent her here. Her heart was already broken, why did she also have it to be physically stabbed?

Coryo could start feeling his own anger building at the thought of Lucy Gray being hurt. She was incredibly sweet, even surrounded by her future killers. He didn't understand it, but it creates a feeling of protectiveness to surge through the curly head. At the human-to-human level, not mentor and tribute.

He wondered if he would be used to this protectiveness if his sister survived. His mother would love Lucy Gray, if nothing more than her charismatic personality.

"The girl who you sent the snake on?"

"Daughter of the mayor and the reason we are talking."

She sighed at the recollection that of all the people for Billy to break her heart with, it just had to be Mayfair.

The anger that was beginning to build up was now 100% ready to burst.

"What? She can't do that! The Reaping isn't for personal vendettas i-"

The words died on his tongue as the realization hit him aggressively.

Coriolanus was complaining about rules of sending innocent children into a blood bath. The hypocrisy of the Reaping being used for personal pleasure at others' pain is exactly what it was made for. The entirety of the Hunger Games was a sick lesson of victory in others' misery.

Lucy Gray watched the cogs turn in the blonde-haired head of the teenager across from her and was relieved to see the revelation of reality.

Her motivation for survival in the arena was already high so she can make it back to see the Covey again and watch out for Jessup. But another reason was added in those morning hours. Survive so she can take care of Coriolanus as he did for her. To ensure at least one love story ends happy.

The brunette tried to convince Coryo to go back home so many times throughout the hours he spent in front of the bars with her, but he refused. Even though he was mere feet from where he saw you collapse, his mind wasn't plagued by your unconscious eyes.

Instead, his lips kept on repeating the lively moments he shared with you to the curious Lucy Gray. He appreciated he got to brag about every little thing about you to someone who didn't have some other motive. Even with Tigris, she already knew every detail about you from the aforementioned bragging by her cousin, but she would still listen just to give him some comfort and a shoulder to lean on.

But Lucy Gray forced him to step out of his brooding and focus on that you were okay and made him more comfortable in the revelation of his love. Lucy Gray was thankful she didn't have to spend these days in the humiliating zoo as just an attraction or threat. Coriolanus made her still feel human and a friend. She knew how desperately he wanted to win and yet, not a word of strategy was mentioned. They had the meeting later in the day to discuss. Right now, they both just needed a friend.

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After nearly running back to his decaying home upon seeing the sunlight appear, he changed in a flash. He got too lost into his youthful conversation with Lucy Gray that he nearly forgot of his responsibilities. One being not frightening Tigris at being gone for hours in the middle of the night.

Thankfully for him, Coryo made it through his bedroom door just as Tigris opened hers to get ready for the day. He got ready speedily and grabbed his proposals and neatly packed them away into his bag. Ensuring he had everything he needed, Coriolanus gave a quick kiss on the head to Tigris and sped towards the Capital hospital.

His stomach was grumbling heavily, and he could have benefited from grabbing a few leftover pieces from the breakfasts you always brought. Though he had to decide between sustenance and you.

Not a seconds hesitation.

Coriolanus walked through the pristine doors of the newly built hospital. The hospital was a part of the new reconstruction project for the Capital after the war. Life was finally getting back to normal.

With the infamous charming smile of his towards the receptionist, Coriolanus made his way through the sterile hallway. Upon reaching and subsequently opening the creaking door, Coryo was biting back a boyish laugh.

On the bed lay you, with your head was tilted on top of Arachne's as the forementioned girl curled into your side. Your eyes were awake but quite droopy as you attempted to fight off sleep. A fight you won swiftly as soon as you heard the voice you've been yearning to hear.

"Am I being replaced? Of all people Arachne? Didn't know you were into redheads, y/n."

His smirk was evident and more so as he walked over to your bedside. You turned your head to the left as you looked up to the tall boy with a soft smile playing on your lips.

"Can't be replaced if you were never in her place to begin with."

He mocked offense as Coryo retorted to your still sleepy voice.

"Are you upset that I gave you my bed instead of squishing us? I barely fit on my own, imagine the both of us!"

You already have imagined it actually. Multiple times.

Nothing graphic just a bit of snuggling and giving the smug blonde a good kick in the middle of the night while in deep dreams, of course.

"I just don't want you to be sleeping on the floor. It's cold, Coryo, and has to be awful for your back!"

Coryo knew you were right as the floor was extremely uncomfortable, but the feeling that you were mere arms width away gave him a level of comfort no mattress could provide. He only wished that you were in his arms rather than the distance of them.

"Such is the tragedy of being a gentleman."

He gave you a toothy grin as you laughed lightly, widening Coriolanus's smile even more. The young man got settled at the foot of your bed as he nodded questioningly towards the still sleeping Arachne.

You let out an amused laugh as your fingers began streaming through the now down red hair of the girl in question.

"Said she didn't want to leave me. I don't know why, but I'm not complaining. I've missed her and our friendship."

Coriolanus nodded along and gave no hint of what he was feeling inside. A feeling with the name of suspicion. He wasn't blind to her stares at you. They were icy and envious, or at least they pretended to be. One can't hide the longing for another, no matter how deep it's buried.

The blue stare of Coriolanus Snow moved across the room and landed upon the now crinkled parchment. He nodded in amazement with a proud smile.

"Gaul knows young promise, now doesn't she?"

You stretched forward just enough to smack his leg reprimandingly.

"Don't go getting a big head on me now, Coryo."

"Any bigger and we would have to calculate the surface area."

It seemed just a bit of rest was all that was needed for the notorious Arachne Crane snark to return. She quickly sat up, removed your hands gently, and patted herself up to perfection. As soon as she became presentable enough for public, a kind-looking nurse with honey eyes and light freckles entered.

Arachne froze for a second, fearing she was found out, though you had no fears. Due to her bright and rested attitude, the honey-eyed nurse was clearly working the day shift instead of the scoping night shifts. It only took a few moments and tests to reassure your release. You signed multiple papers that you didn't bother reading, and you were given the clear along with your still-stained academy uniform.

You fully intended on completing your mentor duties today and the following days but completely forgot about the state of your uniform. A quick scan to the clock showed that you didn't have time to go back to your apartment and get a clean spare. An apartment that you weren't even sure was yours anymore. It was most definitely not home.

However, your panicked thoughts must have been heard by your saving angel. An angel that came in the form of the familiar warm brown eyes and curly hair.

In his hands were a spare uniform for you (how he got it, you weren't going to waste the energy on questioning it) and a container filled with sweet treats sent from his ma clearly.

"Sejanus have I ever said how much I loved you?!"

He gave you a warm smile as he passed the clothes off and opened up the beautifully designed container. You quickly grabbed a few of your favorite sweet treats while the rest were offered to Coriolanus and a bit reluctantly, Arachne. The latter squinting at the treats in disgust. The food smelled delicious and looked even more delectable, but district hands still made them.

Though your clear enjoyment of the delicacies as well as the boys', who began quietly talking, Ara grabbed a small treat that has a red tint to it. The taste popped in her mouth and continued to as she fully enjoyed some of the best treats she has ever tried.

You laughed at her reaction and the flustered blush that appeared on the girl's cheeks caused a squint of distrust to frame Coriolanus's eyes and Sejanus's mouth to go agape.

"Since when did she sink her claws into y/n?"

Sejanus was concerned how you could so easily be friendly with the girl who was more than willing to let you die. At least in his eyes.

Coriolanus left the question out into the air as he focused on helping you out of bed, legs a bit shaky. He grabbed the rouge uniform and led you to the connected bathroom. A little interrogation was initiated as he tried to ensure your safety.

While you two were bickering back and forth about your ability to change on your own, an awkward silence firmly took place between Arachne and Sejanus. The brown-eyed boy unabashedly stared holes into the redheads face while she focused on your hospital gown-clad figure.

"Spread my thanks to your mother. She is a wonder with pastries."

Arachne's words were meek as she struggled to pull them out. Twenty-four hours ago, she would never have thought of complimenting district scum- no. Not district scum. District. Maybe scu- you wouldn't approve of that language. Arachne just got you back, she isn't going to lose you again.

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A half-hour passes, and by then, you are fully dressed and walking up the stairs of the academy with Sejanus. Arachne had to rush back home to get her supplies and clean up while Coryo went to drop off both of your proposals to Dr. Gaul. Technically, proposals by three academy students, though you doubted Clemensia put a wink of effort. Especially in her state yesterday.

On a good day, she would be more than happy to let Coriolanus do all the work and take the credit. But in tears and wreck, she needed to leech to survive.

As you walked through the pristine institute, you heard the whispers and felt the hot gazes upon you. The patched-up wounds on your neck felt extra visible and painful as you weaved through the gawking crowds. They eventually settled as the guard dog of yours named Sejanus, gave them a stare to scare the teenagers into silence.

The pair of you moved into Heavensbee Hall, where multiple tables and chairs had been organized into a circular formation. On your way to the academy, Sejanus filled you in on today's events. An hour meeting with the tributes, a fifteen-minute tour of the arena following, and in the evening a presentation paired with an interview of each of the district tributes.

As soon as you stepped into the grand hall, you were enveloped by a pair of arms connected to a certain bead of raven hair.

"Clemmie!! I'm okay, don't worry!"

You were met with no verbal response but rather a rather harsh squeeze by the surprisingly strong girl.

"Okay, I'm not okay because you are actually crushing my body!!"

As you could finally breathe through your lungs, you quietly conversed with your worried friend. It was only after a few moments after that the tributes were brought in as if cattle; each in heavy chains that connected to their peers in front of them in the single file line.

The look in Clemensia's eyes was screaming at you to leave and protect yourself, but all it was met with was a tight-lipped smile. You were making your way to the designated desk for you and Jessup when your path was intercepted.

"Miss Vaun."

Dean Highbottom was not someone you wanted to deal with this early in the morning, especially when the only words coming out of his mouth were subtly crafted mocks and the only thing going in was morphling.

"Such a shame to hear of your incident."

Each word he uttered made you nauseous. His calculated tone was dripping with hidden motives. Casca Highbottom was playing games with you though you had no idea what they were nor why. Though a speculation was that it had something to do with a certain curly-haired blonde who was now walking in your direction with a scowl towards your dean.

"Ah, Mr. Snow, I was beginning to fear you had yet another show to present. It seems the mentors are more the spectacle than the tributes."

The smile Coriolanus gave the bitter man was tight, just like his patience. Dean Highbottom, satisfied with the emotion caused, called for all mentors to join their tributes at their tables as he addressed the room.

"In spite of yesterday’s tragic events, our president has decided that the Games must go on to show everyone the Capitol is unafraid of such acts of terror."

Your cheeks burned as you ducked your head while feeling Jessup's eyes stare at you. Well, everyone's eyes.

"To which end, Dr. Gaul wishes you to preview the arena this afternoon with your tributes. Later this evening, there will be a special televised presentation and interview of each tribute to our audience to get to know them."

You sighed slightly as it was clear that Dr. Gaul liked at least some of your ideas if she implemented the interview and some sort of presentation.

"You will have an hour to discuss strategy. You may begin."

You lifted your head back up to meet the dark brown eyes of Jessup Diggs. You smiled shyly, unsure of where to start. Though there was no need for worry as Jessup was the one to initiate the conversation.

"Those are some nasty cuts."

You, in stark contrast to the solemn room, laughed softly. The boy's tone wasn't harsh or arrogant at seeing your hurt, but rather blunt. It was better than hearing a voice filled with glee at seeing your scars.

"Well now we match, huh?"

You sat back in your chair, getting comfortable. You had an hour ahead of you and the discussion of strategy wasn't going to take long if Jessup was still insistent on not taking medicine. The dark-skinned boy matched your position while you prepared your thoughts.

"You sticking to no medicine?"

His eyes drew over your neck again, seeing how much it has healed due to the remedies. But you didn't have to be locked into an arena filled with killers. He got the bite due to his character and actions, that's how he wanted to die. Not because of scared teenagers who just wanted to go home to their mama.

His silence was an answer enough for you; an answer that didn't surprise you. Jessup was stubborn, and you would bet there were few topics he would be willing to change his mind on. Though, you could never have bet that his mind was starting to change in regards to the children of the Capitol. That not everyone was horrible.

"I can't get you out of the interviews or presentation, but you can keep silent. There is not much they can do to force you. However, if you have something you want to say, feel free."

You knew that his silence would ensure he would have no sponsors, but that didn't matter in his case. The district boy looked a bit taken aback by your last statement and what he could do with it.

"Anything? Isn't that a little dangerous?"

The brunette knew it wasn't dangerous for him as he was already sentenced to death, but what about you? He wasn't sure why he cared, but he did. You seem to try to save anyone you can, an odd trait for a Capitol resident, but true nonetheless. You didn't deserve to get hurt because of his rash actions.

"I can't control your actions, Jessup. You are your own person. Even while this whole situation doesn't have anything to do with you, there is still control you have."

He mulled over your words, and even though it sounded farfetched, it was true. Even a smile appeared on his face as he agreed: he did have control.

You were happy to see that smile and know that he recognized his freedom in the cage. The two of you were content as you sat back and turned simultaneously towards the other District 12 tribute and mentor pair.

Coriolanus and Lucy Gray were not the normal pair. Lucy Gray wasn't sitting quietly or glaring. Coriolanus wasn't sneering or arrogant. Their conversation, a wonder in itself, was mutual. Your heart pulled at the scene, wishing that it could be in different circumstances.

Your head turned back to look at your own tribute, whose head was still turned towards his friend. His eyes were covered in reminiscence and pleas. Pleas that she will survive. That is when an idea came to fruition.

"What if we made a deal?"

Jessup slowly turned his head towards you in apprehension and confusion. What more could you possibly expect from him?

"You do everything you can to stay in control in that arena. Fight off the disease as much as you can because your sanity will disappear. I've seen it firsthand; any piece of Jessup Diggs will be gone. You will become a danger to Lucy Gray. Don't let her eat or drink after you. You could spread it."

Jessup took in what you were saying and agreed but was still confused about what the deal was. What was in this for you?

"Take care of yourself and her in the arena and I will do my best outside of the arena to make sure Lucy Gray goes home."

His brown eyes squinted at you in wonder and uncertainty. You were sincere in your words, but Lucy Gray winning meant more than just her success, and Jessup knew that.

"Why? So your boyfriend can win and spend all the money he doesn't need on your Capitol luxury?"

Your previously relaxed facial expression melted into one of simmering anger. You thrashed your body forward and toned your voice down into a chilled whisper.

"One, he isn't my boyfriend. Two, looks can be deceiving. He desperately needs the money. I know it's hard to believe, but his family is starving, and his grandmother and cousin need him. That's why he works day and night, so don't you dare say he doesn't need the money. You don't know him."

Your tone was laced with venom, and Jessup quickly took the hint. His eyes raked over the fair-skinned boy, and he could see you were right.

He was tall, yes, but skinny. Even kids in twelve weren't that malnourished. Jessup turned back to you with a little smirk, which brought you a sense of unease.

"Very defensive of your 'not boyfriend'."

You opened and closed your mouth while the seeming permanent blush appeared once more. Your lack of defense brought a small joy to Jessup, a feeling he accepted he would never feel again when his name had been called. You took a deep breath before properly explaining your reasoning for your little deal.

"I'm doing this in part for Coriolanus, yes. I would be lying if I said I wasn't. Another part is for Lucy Gray. I've never met anyone like her, and I think that's a universal experience. If I can't save you, I will save her. I won't let your sacrifice be for nothing. We've taken enough from you."

There was silence for a few moments as Jessup processed. He believed you, maybe too easily, but he did. What he couldn't believe is that you were Capitol.

"Don't say that."

"Say what?"

" 'We'. You are not the same as the people who put us here. You aren't like the rest of the mentors."

Your eyes shined with a few tears of gratitude as you struck your hand out. You had a lopsided smile and a laugh as you uttered a singular word.

"Deal?"

A nod and hidden smile were paired with a reciprocated action as your hands shook.

"Deal."

Hands still interlocked, the sound of Dean Highbottom's voice rang out.

"Snow. Dovecote. Vaun."

One last smile was sent toward Jessup as you stepped out and made your trek towards the infamous Dr. Gaul.

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You were right.

Clemensia didn't even know the proposals were written. Well you did cherish your friend, you had to admit Coryo wad far kinder than you would have been if you were in his shoes.

Clemensia vouleentered for this and yet she couldn't make the effort? You didn't appreciate being her excuse when he own excuse was able to get the work done. This wasn't some school project. This was real life and possibly world changing. You hoped, for her sake, Clemensia knew what she got herself into.

The three of you walked into the expansive lab fillied with odd creatures in all sorts of liquids and devices. You watched Coryo walk over to one and tap on its glass as you examined it from afar. Out of thin air, the peculiar woman appeared, slightly startling you and Clemensia.

"The star burns as it is orbited. Flames lick across it's surface while those circulate it with no fear. Fire pours and the star glows!"

You take in the woman's odd words and look to Coryo to confirm she is talking about and your condition from yesterday. She did call you and Coryo stars so it wouldnt be too far fetched. Unlike the head Gamemaker.

"The sun gets orbited, not stars."

You hear Clemmie whisper into your left ear and you sighed.

"Clemmie, the sun is a star."

Dr. Gaul overhead your whispers as she sent a quizzical and nerve wrecking look towards your companion, causing the latter to slightly shiver.

"Come and see my new babies."

The sickly sweet tone of the Gamemaker certainly didn't settle Clemensia's shivers. Your concerned eyes connected with Coryo, who also seemed apprehensive at the offer.

You followed the graying woman to a circular glass tank containing a vast array of slithering colors. You let your hand slide across the glass, oddly satisfied as the snakes followed your fingers.

"Is there a point to the color?"

"There’s a point to everything, Ms. Dovecote, or to nothing at all. Which brings me neatly to your proposals."

You sucked in a breath as you realized you could easily be thrown into the snake tank. But she wouldn't do that if she hated your proposals right? She might.

"Miss Vaun, next time, ask for a hospital room with better lighting. Your handwriting was incredibly messy."

You turned your head slightly in confusion. Should you be happy that's the only she has issues with? Is this her way to get you distracted to easily throw you in with the reptiles without fight? You didn't expect praise but you didn't know what to make of her given comments. Though you were quick to learn you should be greatful for having notably bad hand writing.

"For you two, which one of you actually wrote it?"

Dr. Gaul turned her unnerving gaze upon your friends. You knew who wrote it, so did they, and it seemed like Dr. Gaul had an inkling.

"Well, there was-"

"I was inspired by Coriolanus yesterday, of course. His little betting idea. But the sponsorships and the gifts in the arena, those were all mine."

You stood there shell shocked as you saw the girl unabashedly take credit for work she didn't even give a word to. The betrayal evident on her supposed partners face as he questioned her.

"Clemmie?"

The confusion between you and Coryo was not shared by Dr. Gaul as she was utterly unfazed.

"So it’s your sweaty handwriting on that page. Very impressive, Ms. Dovecote."

You watched as Clemensia proudly smiled at the woman's praises. Dr. Gaul's approval and audible pride in work was never a good sign. Oh how you wished Clemmie could have seen that.

"Unfortunately, my assistant mistook it for trash this morning and lined the shelf of this very terrarium with it. So, please, Ms. Dovecote, retrieve it for us, won’t you?"

All color of the already pale girls face was drained, a recation copied by both you and Coryo. Your brain ran through all the scenarios to get Clemensia our of there or what could have been if you just hadn't spoken up. None of Clemensia's actions were your fault but you couldn't help but step in.

"I can grab them, if that wouldn't be an issue."

A part of you wished you kept quite as the manically calculated eyes of Volumina Gaul met yours.

"Well they are Miss Dovecotes wonderfully inspired ideas. It is best for her to share it with us, isn't that right?"

You could do nothing but nod along, realizing there wouldn't be a way to get your dark haired friend out of this.

Dr. Gaul turned back to address Clemensia, who was clearly holding back screams of panic. A sight that brought a sick sense of satisfaction to the older woman.

"Don’t worry, my little predators are perfectly docile with those they can trust.

So if they’re used to your scent, if you’ve handled their food, for example, or if they’ve inhaled the sweat of your palm on a page, they’ll leave you alone."

The chilling woman curled closer to the panicking teen as she inhaled her fear.

"A new scent, however…

you’d be on your own, little girl."

That soft tone was quickly replaced with the ragged and stone cold demand.

"Retrieve it."

You felt yourself being held back by some force. You weren't running after her. You weren't jumping into the snake pit. You thought it was the fear holding you back, but you felt the familiar arms of Coriolanus Snow ensuring you weren't going to jump into danger yet again. Whether or not you both wanted to admit it, Clemensia got herself into this situation all on her own.

You held on his arms as you watched the mentor's hand go further and further down the pit of vemenous danger covered in an array of bright colors. The tips of her finger brushed against the page unharmed and a slight breath of relief, Clemensia reached fully for the paper.

The scream scratched against the deepest edges of your ears. Corners of your earlobes that haven't been touched since the death of your mother. Why is it that all those who you love have the scream?

"Clemmie, no! NO!"

When the girl jumped back in pain and shock, Coriolanus was quick to move you the way, accidently creating the clear path as she fell off of the slightly elevated platform. The gasped and clawed at her neck as you both rushed to her side, unsuccessful in finding a way to help your suffering Clemmie.

"You asked about the colors, Ms. Dovecote? I want my enemies to see a rainbow of destruction engulfing the world. I’m not above using spectacle to create a little terror."

You saw the vision but could care less as you desperately tried to comfort your friend.

Is this how you looked less than a day ago? Whipering in the floor while your neck is covered in evidence of an attack?

Some of Dr. Gaul’s assistants rushed over to take Clemensia away, having to push you away to do so. You wanted to run after her but was frozen once more by that sick voice.

"A strategy your classmate here articulated very well in his proposal."

The woman's fascinating eyes moved off of the now horrifyingly still form of Clemensia and back to you and Coriolanus.

"They’re good, your suggestions. The both of you. I’m going to recommend my team implement as many as possible tomorrow."

Coriolanus took the shock for the both of you as you were still focused on the now gone squirming figure of Clemensia Dovecote.

"Will she die?"

You didn't know what to expect exactly but of course, the reality of Dr. Gaul was even more appealing.

"The pleasure in breaking ground in one’s research is one gets to find out."

You shivered at her degradation of the girls struggle into a science experiment. You might have made a mistake mixing in with her, no matter the promise it held.

"You better keep Ms. Dovecote’s fate between us. I don’t think her mother would be happy to learn how she caught this sudden… flu."

You and Coryo shared yet another look as alarms rang in your eyes. Would you two be next if you were unsatisfactory?

Any fear picked up from either of you was ignored by the head Gamemaker as she sighed whisfully.

"Now run along, you have an arena to promote and it’s time for my milk and crackers."

⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆

The arena wasn't far from Dr. Gaul’s laboratory. Only a few streets away, in fact. The entire way was filled with silence between you and Coryo, but it doesn't mean there wasn't communication.

Coryo kept his arm around your waist as you laid your head on his shoulder. He knew what Clemensia's screams reminded you of. He saw the memories flash before your eyes and instinctively scanned Clemmies mouth for any blood. Snow tried to convince you not to go to the arena.

He could look around with both Lucy Gray and Jessup if you wished. But you refused. You wished to tell him of your deal, but you doubted Jessup would inform Lucy Gray, so it would only be fair if you kept quiet for now.

When the pair of you reached the arena, the rest of your classmates and tributes were lined up, waiting for you two. How they knew Clemensia wasn't coming, you weren't sure, but as soon as you and Coriolanus ran all the way to the front where District 12 was held, you began the walk-in.

Coryo was in front of you as you took shallow breaths while walking into the area where you knew only one of the 23 kids would walk out. Your focus was on the blonde curls and square shoulders of your Coryo. Your Coryo. This was a very bad timing for this very sudden thought to appear.

Thankfully, or not, the robotic female voice poured out of the speakers as Coriolanus and Lucy Gray crossed the gates.

"Enjoy the show!"

Of course, it had to say that.

"Enjoy the show!"

The voice continued to repeat itself as the rest of the pairs walked in, along with a few peacekeepers. You watched as Festus directed camera crews to focus on the still sneering Coral. Sneers that were being sent pointedly in your direction. You looked over to Jessup, who seemed to be slightly dazed.

"Jessup?"

The boy turned to you, and it took him a moment for recognition to flash before his eyes. You gulped as you realized that Jessup won't be able to keep his side of the offer for long. But you were determined to keep yours up until the end.

The thought made you turn to the girl you wished to protect. She looked scared and has full reason to. She turned to Coriolanus with pleading eyes. You took a breath and nodded to whatever her request was. She looked back around, still apprehensive. Coryo could have followed her gaze, but instead, he met yours.

In the very same place where half of the inhabitants of the space will be dead starting tomorrow, he looked so calm. He looked worried and was scheming in his brain when he was talking to Lucy Gray, but when he met your eyes? He looked so at peace. You could be imagining it, but that smile was so, so real.

A true and lovesick smile. A smile that grew with every second that you met his gorgeous blue eyes. A smile that you matched in tandem. Young and in love. Lovesick looks across the battlefield.

To be in love during war is the worst casualty of them all.

The sound of heartbreak was the only sound that was more shattering than the explosions that blew around you all.

⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆

a/n: please don't send dr. gaul to my house because i tool FORVER to finally upload this! thank you so much for the wait and support loves, it means the world! pls lmk what you all think💓

@notyourwildestdream 🌹@darktrashsoulbear🌹@fantasylovestoryme 🌹@nekee-lilac02 🌹@a-avengerparker 🌹 @queenofshinigamis 🌹@darlingisntit 🌹 @scarletstarrs 🌹

[fearecia]

Putting this in a pinned post to make it easy to find/share. We all know how Tumblr is about things (and to be fair, I'm terrible and inconsistent as hell with tags).

Link to the "shoulder release" document:

Notes about this guide:

This is a WIP, and still very much in the rough draft phase. Please forgive typos/errors. I literally haven't done a single edit yet.

The document focuses on releasing shoulders as a way to treat neck tension and migraines. Seriously, just trust me. It helps.

Carpal tunnel? Tennis elbow? Golfer's elbow? AC (acromioclavicular) joint injury? Rotator cuff problems? Tight upper back? Sporadic numbness in your arm? Seriously, just try the muscles already listed. You'll likely find at least some relief. Like, if it involves the upper body, release your shoulders.

I've done my best to make this able to be understood by people without massage training. So if it seems like it's covering really "obvious" info, that's intentional. Just skip the section if you already know things.

A lot of massage therapists may balk at me telling you to dig around in your own armpit. We're taught in school to avoid the area. Why? Because there's a crap ton of nerves and blood vessels there. *Which is precisely why releasing this area is so powerful.* There's also a ton of muscle (on yes, basically everybody) here that will protect all those structures. It's honestly really safe so long as you stick to "In pain, refrain!" And read the other rules too.

90% of the time, the culprit is one of the four muscles listed (or any combination of them). If you are someone who exercises a lot/does yoga/is otherwise pretty physically active, you are more likely to fall into the 10% of people who will have their issue somewhere else/it will just be really hard to find. So bear that in mind.

Sadly, this sort of thing will probably never be a "one and done" type of deal. Most of the things we do every day steadily build up to cause problems, and you have to constantly work to undo that entropy. So save these notes for future you.

And just in case you want to know what the hell qualifies me to make this sort of document, here are my "quals."

My first career attempt was nursing. While this did not go well (doctors don't really appreciate autistic students willing to question their authority) I learned a shit ton about the body. I became a student teacher for the anatomy and physiology class because I was so good at it (and that professor used to teach the pre-med students). A&P is now literally one of my special interests.

8 years as a licensed massage therapist focused exclusively on injury therapy. I studied Rolfing techniques, and primarily used trigger point therapy, structural integration, and myofascial release as my tools. Clients liked to joke that going to see me was like seeing the physical therapist (they weren't wrong).

Some of the stuff I share is literally self taught through "following the tension" in clients bodies. Like, I developed some of my protocols. And then practiced and refined them over 100s of bodies. The goal was always the most efficient and least painful way to achieve lasting release.

I eventually destroyed my shoulder doing massage (which was injured long before this career due to an AC joint sprain gotten when I was 20). Bonus, this means I'm *very* practiced at releasing my own shoulders.

I'm now a mechanical engineer, which just means I now have the engineering knowledge to understand to the force transferrence patterns I saw in clients all the time. Kinesiology is the same thing as statics and dynamics.

Hopefully that helps put perspective into things. I'll update this post as new versions of the document come out. I have a ton on my plate right now (who am I joking; I always have a ton on my plate), so please be patient waiting for updates.

[can-ya-guess-my-curent-obsession]

Nap/sleep? headcanons- with and without a S/O:

WRITER NOTES: Why? Because why the fuck not. Sorry if this feels more like a unhinged rant- but what'evs. Also I had thought I had deleted this for a hot sec and almost died. Its currently 11:56 PM so I did post four days in a fucking row despite what my head said

Edited: no

All art in this post is mine

TW: Curssing, Pain killers, alcohol, alcoholism, abuse/hitting, insomnia, sleeping meds, migraines, passing out, being high, nightmares, trama, cigarettes, weed

(Update: Murdocs shity behavior is not ok, its's abuse, I am nto tryingto indorse it!)

Characters:

/Gorillaz/

Noodle

<GENERAL NAP HEADCANONS>

-Noodle the best sleep schedule out of all of them, and gets the most good sleep out of all of them though thats not saying much

-Even if she has a good sleep schedule she likes naps

-Though as a kid it was almost impossible to get her to nap if she wasn't exhausted, though this is not to say she didn't like to nap

-Noodle just had too much energy as a kid, but she was a kid and being in a band is exhausting so she did take naps usually after performances, recording, ect.. (In a interview they had talked about something like this but I can't remember witch one)

-But as she got older she found appreciation for them way more then when she was a kid

-Noodle is one of those people who can fall asleep almost on command lucky :'[

-Noodle tends to nap to movies

<With a S/O headcanons>

-Like I said she likes to nap to movies- and even better she likes to cuddle with her S/O and to fall asleep to a movie

-Noodle also loves falling asleep on her S/O or having her S/O falling asleep on her, because she finds having her S/O play with her hair makes it 100% easier to fall asleep, and she finds it comforting to have her S/O lay on her

-Noodle has no shame she will fall asleep anywhere with her S/O- cuz no one's gonna say shit

-She loves cuddling but if its like time to go to bed- she will cuddle till she falls asleep then in her sleep she will most likely drift to her side of bed kicking you plenty of times in the process

-She shifts a lot in her sleep with has caused a lot of problems- especially if she has an overactive dream- cuz she will karate chop you in the head or kick you in your stomach

-This doesn't really happen when you two nap together

2D

<GENERAL NAP HEADCANONS>

-While 2D gets the second most amount of sleep- he arguably has one of the worst schedules

-He is a heavy sleeper but he has a hard time sleeping in consecutive amounts of time

-This is mostly due to his migraines, he will wake up at the ass crack of dawn with the worst migraines- migraines that make it nearly impossible to fall back asleep no matter how many pain killers he takes

-So he does some some shit, like writing music, playing a videogame, or watching a zombie movie

-2D at one point in time he used to play instruments when this happens but Mudroc was drunk and near by and so happened to hear 2D playing a bit to loud for his liking- which resulted in Murdoc getting pissed and hitting 2D in the head making his migraine 10x worse (This was when they lived in the original Kong Studios)

-So instead of sleeping continously throughout the night- he tries to sleeps a bit during the night, and then just naps continously throughout the day

-Though eventually he tells his mom and he gets put on sleeping meds in the later phases (sometime after plastic beach) which makes him more peppy

-He still takes naps every once in a while, and he is still an incredibly heavy sleeper

-He smokes a Iot more before going to bed, both weed and cigarettes

<With a S/O headcanons>

-This lanky boi becomes strangely strong in his sleep occasionally

-His arms firmly hold his S/O to his body or he's just sprawled on top of his S/O

-Either way he wants to be touching his S/O in his sleep- but he does role away sometimes but will role back eventually

-He's incredibly unpredictable in his sleep- one night he may stay stil as a bored and another he may be rolling himself off the bed... so be careful, 2D's S/O has woken up with 2D's foot in their face many of times

-2D feels incredibly guilty if he wakes up his S/O when he wakes up in the middle of the night because he has a migraine

-But having a S/O that could comfort him when he has one of his mibble of the night migrains, makes him feel better

Russel

<GENERAL NAP HEADCANONS>

-Russel hardly ever naps

-Russel tries to have a consistent sleep schedule- which he achieves some what

-He tends to wake up in the middle of the night- not as often as 2D, but ever once in a while he'll wake up but won't be able to fall back asleep, so he'll will just sit in bed disgruntled

-Also he's not one of those people who can fall asleep on command

-He takes sleeping meds, he has been taking sleeping meds- like before he joind Gorillaz but he did start taking stronger meds when he joined

-When Russel does get sleep he gets pretty shitty sleep but he pushes through the day

-Even if he wanted to nap- no one IN THIS DAMN HOUSE WILL LET HIM SLEEP(this is when they lived in the original Kong Studios)

-He's either making beats, taking care of Noodle, chores, ect.. all you need to know is that he's busy

-But if we're talking phase 7 Russel- OMG he is a total fucking insomniac- he's to busy with the static, he has to hit his own leg to keep himself from passing out sometimes

-Also Noodle crawled into bed with him whenever she had a nightmare when she was a kid- she also did this with 2D but it didn't work out as much due to 2D's sleeping problems

<With a S/O headcanons>

-Russel is way more likely to take naps if he has a S/O that takes naps

For many of reasons- if his S/O is naping and he naps with them it doesn't feel like he's being as unproductive because he will be spending time with his S/O

-Russel likes to cuddle but prefers to not cuddle in when sleeping at night due to the fact he sweats a lot- and just has a higher body temperature, so cuddle can make his already high body temperature higher and make him feel uncomfortable

-Though having his S/O in bed with him does improve his sleep due to the fact having his S/O around him in most cases makes him feel more relaxed

-When Russel and His S/O cuddle he will sometimes pass out sheerly because he is just so tired

Murdoc

<GENERAL NAP HEADCANONS>

-My fucking god... this man- this fucking gremlin of a man has one of the most janky ass fucking sleep schedule- at this point can you even call it a 'schedule' with how inconsistent it is

-But that mostly only applies to pre-plastic beach

-When Murdoc becomes the old man he now is, his sleep schedule mellows out

-But before that he tends to go out and drink most of the night- come home absolutely crunked or tripping balls and would pass out somewhere random- often in the middle of the house what a great role modle

-And much like 2D he will take naps throughout the day- all various in lengths- but he usually gets pissed at 2D when 2D does the weird nap schedule thing

-But like I said, in later phases he fixes his sleep up a bit- but that doesn't mean he doesn't take naps anymore-

-Now Murdoc doesn't just take naps because he's drunk or high- but also because he's an old man now

<With a S/O headcanons>

-Murdoc's definition of nap before his S/O was just passing out because he was fucked up, but when he got a S/O who forced helped him to fix his sleep schedule- he realized he was not exactly right

-Now he passes out on his bed or the couch and not the kitchen floor

-If you are able to get this man to go to bed at night with out any form fo alcohol or medicine I commend you, for you have done the impossible

-But on a more serious note Murdoc will do a lot to avoid going to bed at night- especially when he's sober

-He hates the nightmares, the nightmares that remind him of his past- and what made him.... he hates it

-So it takes a lot of comforting on his S/O's side to get him into bed

-And Murdoc's S/O has to be ready to wake up and comfort him when he wakes up from a shitty dream- cuz its either that or he goes back to the bottle

[nozunhinged]

my love sea rollercoaster

Okay so I was at the forefront of the love sea haters (don't ask me about mame I don't know anything about that discoure you can read why I didn't like it here if you want) but as weak as I am I kept watching and ep 2 still didn't do it for me but ep 3 turned the boat around so fast that I feel absolutely sea sick (literally!!) right now -- and because the discourse and perspectives on tumblr made me try to keep watching unbiased, I'd like to share my five cents as to why the story suddenly works for me after I've spent the first two eps rolling my eyes so hard I got a migraine.

I think it comes down to three major moments, with their conflict as the turning point

When rak started spitting the most degrading speech going at mut for dragging him out of the house, literally blowing so fucking low the blowjob mut was wishing for in the end was sky high terrain, I went "ok that's it, I'm turning this off" -- rak said word for word "no means no" but mut still kept pulling him I was close to angry tears what a fucked up situation that is, I thought.

But just as mut made rak snap out of it with his unimpressed reaction, so did I.

It was like the first half of the episode flashed right in front of me within the second rak was speechless. He was so on edge from the many calls he had in the first part and before that the diving incident -- he was streched out so thin that of course he would fall back to his default mode which is insulting anyone who dares to get within a 10ft radius of him. And then a guy who even dares to break down his pretentious walls? Better double down! (I'm still mad about raks tirade though, I would've dumped him in the sea right then and there)

But here's the thing, mut isn't fazed at all. Like, at all at all. And that's exactly what rak needs in this moment. Someone to vent his anger at so he can collect himself. We know now that mut had it a million times worse than this and his reaction isn't just because he has the hots for rak, it's literally his character. They both would react the exact same way if it was any other person. The difference? They develop an emotional bond over it and that's how they move forward. CHEFS KISS!

You might think but noz, of course its his character, thats the whole point? Yeah but not to me.

In the last two episodes, it felt like everything that happened between them was excruciatingly forced by the narrative (see my yaoi-post why I despise that) -- that everything between them is only brought out because they met. I know that thai bl (no, lets say the romance genre in general) has a big issue writing and introducing characters in a manner that makes their romance believable, but most of the time I can overlook that because we're not here for deep literary masterpieces, we're here for the smooches and the fumbles. I get it.

But when it feels so forced like it did the last two eps to me, even I just check out. So I already shelved that series in my mind and it's the first time I get so damn humbled that I have to write down a million paragraphs to defend myself lol. I think my longing for watching a believable lovestory reached so deep that it contributed to my current brainrot.

Don't get me wrong -- I attest this shift 100% to fortpeats insanely stellar acting. They make the characters believable and they make me understand why rakmut are prefect for each other although I HATE their dynamic. But that's the beauty of a good story my friends, I get now why their pulling and pushing works for them and I'll gladly watch them do that! Because until now, no aspect of the show managed to do that, neither the narrative progression, nor the editing, writing or pacing. Nothing. It was all just a jumbled, annoying mess.

So what's different now? The story lets fortpeat finally shine! (Accidentally maybe?)

Someone already said that the scenes are stale and slow (cant find the post anymore sorry) due to the fact that nothing is happening other than the two of them talking in the same position behind a different background and I 100000% agree. And the only way this poor choice is saved by is fortpeat. I was hanging on their lips for every single word. Their dynamic was suddenly so clear and palpable to me, I struggled to breathe properly. Rakmut are fucking made for each other and I'm losing my shit over it.

I can't believe they managed to make ALL the flaws of this show just POOF -- go away??? And it just keeps going like that. I could write 10 more pages about the little details of their dialogues that cemented my impression but I'll try wrap this up first.

The two other pivotal moments (to me) were muts reaction to rak telling him about his name. Yes, you read that right. Now that I finally understood how these two are ticking, I absolutely 100% understand where mut was going with this objectively BONKERS suggestion. Rak drops this bombshell of a trauma on him and he offers to do exactly that too??? Well, in muts head this is the only way to make rak understand that the outcome can be different. So of course, this idea would only work on him. Made for each other, I'm telling you. Two pieces of a fucked up puzzle.

Now, that scene.

First, doubling down on how much worse mut had it. (I'm not talking about his house thats a topic for another post) I think this one little story was enough to land the punch, the talk last ep was too long and clunky. I wouldve loved to have a scene where the guy who was fired tells the story to someone and rak overhears it, not understanding a thing and then putting the pieces together when mut starts talking I-- oh I think i wouldnt have survived that, I cried then and there already.

Well yeah I was in tears when they started fucking that was awkward but again raks reaction just made sense. They don't know each other that well and rak only knows one way how to make mut feel good which is riding him to the moon and back. And as a little cherry on top he completely let loose without any restraints.

There's already this amazing post by @hanhonymous which explains perfectly why the pillow talk after works so well as it does, so I'm not gonna say anything more. Just know that I was full on bawling at this point. When rak said "try it" it lost it. How he encourages his island boy who said "someone like me" a million times in the last ten minutes was perfect. Beautiful. Absolutely wonderful. Even his false lead felt perfect for this moment because only this way mut would understand that rak is absolutely serious.

I don't know how the bangkok arc will play out, my hopes are not very high but I will forever have this lovely little episode. And their lovely little pillow talk. And when they confess and love each other for real I will once again cry like a loser because fortpeat are amazing. Please someone get them a high quality production they deserve it so much.

[beejbsbswiwisnsnwwk]

Grimwalker headcanons

.their eyes glow in the dark

.their ears are very expressive. When they are happy their ears perk up, when they are sad their ears droop down, etc

TW this headcanon is graphic with blood (maybe gore? I’m not to sure, I’m sorry) ⬇️

.the first grim walker didn’t work out properly. He crawled out of the ground a bit too early and he was not developed properly. His lungs closed up and filled with blood and started to choke and throw it up, some bones were sticking out of the skin, their eyes did not fit properly in the sockets, and other problems. They died 10 minutes after digging out of the ground, and it was a very painful and graphic death. Belos threw up and waited longer to make another grimwalker

.grimwalker need some kind of memories to go off of. If you make a grimwalker with no memories they won’t know how to do anything, and they have the functions of a newborn, due to the lack of anything to go off of

.the second grimwalker was developed properly, but belos didn’t give him any memories. The grimwalker was made to look about 17 but didn’t know how to properly control parts of their body, like walking, crawling, controlling bladder, ect. Belos killed them 5 hours later

.belos would make fake memories for each individual grimwalker to go along with their “backstory” and what happened to their parents etc. He would have to much fun with it

.the majority of the grimwalker figured out that belos was evil, the ones who didn’t died on missions or due to belos’ “curse”

.belos would ask some of the grimwalkers to call him “Philip” or “pip” before he kills them

.there was one female grimwalker, who was killed a few day after digging out of the ground, she reminded belos of Evelyn

.belos made 78 grimwalkers

.grimwalkers need the bone of the person they are cloning. The cloning will be more accurate depending on how many bones used, belos was careful with the bones at first but became a bit more “careless”

.Hunter was made with both of Caleb’s full hands, each hand hase about 27 bones each, meaning belos used 54 bones to make Hunter

.Hunter was made to be the age of 4 or 5 when he dug out of the dirt, Hunter almost died because he couldn’t dig out. Belos had to dig Hunter out of the ground, but almost let him suffocate incase hunter wasn’t “ready yet”

TW this headcanon is also violent and bloody (I think gore fits this one, I’m still sure I’m very sorry)⬇️

.there was one other grimwalker that was made to be 6. When he grew to about 10 he started to remind belos of Caleb, but a little too much. Belos’ “curse” took over when the grimwalker was around. Belos killed him and left him to slowly bleed to death, and his organs and ribs were visible due to how violent the outburst was

.Each part of the body that gets a certain bone, that area of the body is sensitive. If a grimwalker got a leg, they would have very bad pain in the leg, and would have a limp

.A grimwalker got Caleb’s skull. They were in so much pain from migraines, they couldn’t eat, or drink, or talk, or do anything from how bad the pain would get. Their pain would get so bad they would pass out. Belos put them out of their misery with a very quick death, they were one of the only grimwalkers to not die a slow death

(I’ll edit this or reblog with more headcanons)

[acceleracers-baby]

hellooo! so uhhh

I was watching the new Monster High animated series (g3) and then I saw the episode of Twyla saying "I'm autistic and loud noises bother me, could you stop that please?" and she is so cute

could you do that with the Teku team when someone/the reader(any gender) says that to them?

(I hope you don't mind ofc, I loved that Monster High episode)

Howdy! Thank you so much for the ask! I don’t know much about Monster High but hopefully I did your prompt justice!

Reactions to Audio Sensitivity! Teku Edition!

Teku

(Nolo Pasaro, Vert Wheeler, Shirako Takamoto, Kurt Wylde, Karma Eiss)

———

Nolo Pasaro - If you ask Nolo to quiet down due to sensory issues- not only will he immediately comply, but he will get the rest of the crew to settle down too. Whether it’s the music, the tools, or even just the group being rambunctious, he is very quick to make accommodations. He may not fully understand what you’re going through, but he respects it and wants you to be comfortable. After he fixes whatever noise was bothering you, he’s always quick to check in. "Better?"

Vert Wheeler - Vert will literally SCRAMBLE to stop whatever noise is messing with you. He has fully shoved himself through his car's open window just to reach his radio faster to lower his music when asked. He'll apologize the whole time saying stuff like "Holy shit! My bad, I had no idea!" or he'll reassure you that he thought his music was too loud anyway so its a good thing someone told him to turn it down just so you don't feel bad about asking for an accommodation.

Shirako Takamoto - You don't even have to ask Shirako. He spots the signs of overstimulation and just immediately moves to fix the problem. Even if it's someone else causing the noise. He legit will just go up to them and casually ask them to stop whatever their doing under the guise that its bothering him, not you, so that way you don't have to speak up if you don't want to, but it also gives you the opportunity to agree with him and set a boundary for the future.

Kurt Wylde - Kurt understands completely. In fact, due to all the head trauma this guy has suffered, he honestly probably has a few noise/light sensitives of his own that often cause migraines. So, when you ask Kurt to chill out with the noise, he doesn’t even question it, he just agrees. If he’s working on his car, he’ll take it as an excuse to grab some food or take a break. In his opinion, it’s not hard to make accommodations for other people, so he never makes a big deal out of it.

Karma Eiss - I feel like Karma also has some noise sensitives. I like to think she wears those little Loop earplugs whenever she’s in the shop to avoid any issues so when she hears about you having the same problems she just buys you a pair too hoping that they will help. She doesn’t even really give them to you either. She just leaves them where you usually hang out with a note attached like ‘try these.’ And the next time you’re around her she’ll be like “are they helping at all?” and that’s how you figure out who left them out for you.

——— Thanks for Reading! ———

[juicycoutureheaux]

Hey yall! It’s been a minute since I posted on Tumblr! I just want to let you know my series: When it’s over is alive and well on Ao3. I stopped posting chapter updates on here because I felt like I was clogging up the tags.

This prompt was inspired by an AI chat prompt weirdly enough. (So if you’re reading this and you made the chat please message me so I can tag u bb!)

Anyway here’s a product of me being sleep deprived and literally just being mushy in general. I seriously wrote this last night before I went to bed and it hasn’t been edited. I may go back and edit, I just figured releasing this fic into the wild wasn’t the worst thing I could do.

This is a fluffy kind of OOC fic for Chris Redfield. I hope y’all enjoy

“Late night feeling”

A Chris Redfield x reader fic

Tags: fluff, migraines mentions of death, intimate but platonic relationships, younger woman X older man dynamic

You were resting after a rough deployment. You had made it back to the BSAA barracks and returned to your small room that had just enough space for your twin size bed, a desk and some shelving.

You had made the space work to the best of your advantage; free housing meant you had to get creative but you managed to make your small room as welcoming as possible.

The other soldiers were used to the barebones when it came to accommodations, and usually you didn’t mind when you were out on deployment, but when you were stateside you made sure to have all the comforts you could fit in the tiny room.

Pretty soon, you were popular in your unit for having just about anything. Did somebody have a headache from the dry air? You had a humidifier. Somebody needed some extra toiletries but didn't want to leave the building? You always had spare supplies. Cold medicine? You had it.

Pretty soon you were known as “mom” despite being on the younger side. It made you proud, because your position was technically as a medic, and it meant more to you that you could care for your teams stateside as well.

You were studying the popcorn ceiling in the small room for the 50th time, trying to get yourself to get to sleep when you heard a knock on your door.

You opened it thinking it was another soldier needing something small, but were shocked to instead see Chris Redfield, Captain of multiple elite task forces and founder of the BSAA.

You didn’t know whether to salute or curtsy, you were so close to falling asleep and were delirious

He smiled at your obvious discomfort. “I heard from the guys earlier you were the one to see if I needed anything.”

You looked at him wide eyed, still shocked that he came to your room late at night. He must really need something bad.

“Y-yeah, I’m sort of the barracks *mom* of sorts.” You giggled nervously. “What can I get you?”

Chris sighed. “Do you have anything for migraines?”

You looked at Chris, thoughtfully.

“I have a couple of solutions, how long have you had symptoms?”

Chris looks at you, you can tell what he’s going to tell you he’s embarrassed about. “…4 hours.”

You looked at him in horror. You knew Redfield was hardcore, but you had some migraines yourself before, if he was seeking your help, it must have been pretty intense.

Without thinking, you mentally switched into caretaker mode.

You quickly pulled the covers on your bed, and pulled out a foam wedge you had underneath your bed that you used to get comfortable for reading or watching tv.

Chris couldn’t help but grimace through his pain.

“Are you used to having late night visitors Y/L/N?” He looked at the foam wedge. “What the hell is that for?”

You snapped your head back at him. “What are you insinuating?” Genuinely curious, did he think you were going to treat his migraines by fucking him?

Chris grimaced again. “I hear you younger girls are into some wild things these days, but I didn’t expect it from you.” He put his hands up defensively. “More power to you though.”

You laughed from your belly. “Captain with all due respect, I think you’re seriously confused on what this is for.” You placed the wedge close to the foot of the bed. “Plus, if that’s how you think we’re gonna fix your migraine, you’re seriously confused on what my job here is.” You smiled at him.

You had only worked with Chris a couple of times. He wasn’t a stranger to you by any means, but you definitely weren’t friends either.

He was your superior and you respected him. The first time the two of you had met, you were a new recruit trying to make it onto the field.

You had passed every cognitive test the BSAA had to offer, but your physical skills were shit to say the least. You were athletic, you were great when it came to stamina, but when it came to hand to hand combat and firearms, you hesitated.

You remember the disappointed look your supervisor gave you when review time came. You were extremely gifted when it came to observations and patching men up, but you were a liability on the field.

“Get used to seeing the inside of the clinic, sweetheart.” You remembered him saying to you.

You remember going to the gun range, it was late in the afternoon and you thought no one was there. You were crying while missing the target completely. You knew you looked insane, but damn you felt so good.

“Why the hell can’t I just do this one simple thing?” You remember saying out loud to yourself. “The stupid boys back home could do this shit, but I doubt they could suture up flesh, and I can’t deploy because of this one thing!” You said louder emptying the clip into the target.

You pressed the button that brought the target to you. You looked at it helplessly; the bullets holes were all over the place. You crumpled the paper furiously into your hands.

“That's one way to neutralize a target,” you heard a warm baritone behind you say.

You turned around to see Chris Redfield with his own gear, ready to begin his own practice.

You saluted him. “Captain Redfield, Sir.”

He saluted you back. “At ease soldier, you don’t have to be so formal, no one else is here.”

“Y-yes sir.”

He walked closer to you, clearly in his element.

“I heard news on your performance review, Y/L/N. That’s brutal.” He said, trying to sound comforting.

Your lip quivered, you were angry and disappointed in yourself. You wanted to angry-cry, but not in front of one of the founders of the BSAA. He probably already thought you were weak, crying would just exacerbate the issue.

“It was.” You said looking down.

He looked at you sympathetically, and put his arm on your shoulder. “You have an incredible brain though.” He said, trying to lighten the mood. “We were really pulling for you this time, we need more personalities like you on the field.”

You looked up at him. “Really?”

Chris smiled at you. “I definitely don’t picture you in spec ops anytime soon, but we definitely could use you in damage control.”

You returned his smile.

“But you also understand why we can’t send you out there unprepared, you could be ambushed anytime.”

“I understand.” A heavy tear fell from your left eye and you immediately wiped it away, in fears of Chris noticing.

He looked at you sympathetically, “It’s normal, not being able to just want to shoot a living thing.”

“But why is it so easy for everyone else? I just can’t do it!” You said, frustrated.

“I think it’s because you’re overthinking it.” He shifts on his feet. “Think of it this way, if someone was going to hurt someone you cared about, even slightly, wouldn’t you not hesitate to take them down?”

You honestly had never thought about it before. You really were thinking of BOWS like victims, but if it were between you and your fellow soldiers getting out alive you wouldn’t hesitate.

Chris saw the gears in your brain working. “I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“You think of them like they’re normal people, and they definitely may have been at one time.” He sighed, running his hand through his hair. “But you can’t think of them like that, it’ll get you killed, rookie.”

“Yessir,”’

“You know,” he said, picking up his duffle bag with his arsenal of personal weapons. “I actually have free time this evening, can I show you a couple of things?”

You looked up at him, shocked he would even want to spend one of his rare free moments with a dumbass like you.

“Are you sure? I know you’re always busy, are you sure you want to spend it mentoring my ass?”

“I don’t have anything else better to do, plus I see potential in you, rookie.” He motioned for you to follow him to the lane you were at before he came in.

He positioned himself behind you to perfect your form, gently touching your biceps and arms. He had a strong, but gentle grip on you. You tried not to turn into a teenage girl at his touch, but you seriously hadn’t got any action in a long time.

Chris, remained professional as always; if he noticed that you were crushing on him in the moment he didn’t acknowledge it, he just focused on the task at hand.

The afternoon turned into late in the evening, but you were finally comfortable with shooting your gun.

“Look at you, that was maybe 3 hours of proper training?” Chris looked at your work. “Looks like you’ll be out in the field in no time.”

Chris’ kindness stayed with you, and you were able to get into a lower ranking team, but a team nonetheless. You were finally able to help on the ground.

Now, Chris was looking to you for help and you couldn’t disappoint him.

“I’m going to have you sit down on my bed, okay? I promise I’m not gonna try anything funny with you okay?” You joked with him. Trying to lighten the mood.

“Honestly Y/L/N, I’m in so much pain, I’m willing to try anything.” He said sitting down.

“Good.”

You instructed him to lay down, putting the wedge underneath his calves, elevating his feet. You then grabbed a thick towel from one of your drawers and rolled it up. You gently placed the towel under his neck and made sure to keep his head supported with a pillow.

Chris grunted.

You looked down at him worried. “Are you okay?”

“Oh yeah,” he breathed out. “This is the best I’ve felt in a while.

“Good!” You chirped. “Where’s your pain radiating from?” You asked, getting up to turn on the humidifier. You knew from your own experience warm steam always helped, especially since it was December and seemed to worsen migraines.

“It feels like it’s behind my eyes, but it really does feel like it’s all over.”

“Is that normal for your migraines?” You asked putting hand sanitizer on. You had an idea of what you were going to do, but you wanted to make sure.

“Recently, yeah. I sustained a pretty bad neck and head Injury a couple years ago and they worsened from there.” He said, closing his eyes. His voice lowered like he was starting to get some relief.

“Are you okay with me touching you, Captain?” You said hesitantly.

“Of course, Doc.”

You smiled. “Not a doctor, but I think I can help.”

You began massaging the base of his neck, gently pulling his head to realign his spine. You were going at it for a couple of minutes before you heard him groan.

You stopped for a moment. “Still okay?”

“Better than okay. Can you keep going?” He asked sheepishly.

You were thankful he had his eyes closed, because his tone made you blush.

You began to let your hands move to his temples massaging the tense muscles in his face.

“You really carry a lot of stress,” you said trying to make his facial muscles relax manually.

“I guess 20 years of fighting monsters will do that to you.” He said bluntly.

“I’m sorry Captain-“ you stammered.

“Y/N drop the captain shit, it’s Chris. Please call me Chris when we’re alone.” It almost sounded like a plea.

“Yessir.”

He smiled, lightening the mood again. “I bet they ate you alive in boot camp.”

You smiled. “They did, but I survived.” You giggled.

You began to work your fingers over his sinuses, being sure to gently, but firmly relieve the tension in his face. Your fingers gently caressed a couple of mostly healed scars over his handsome face.

“I heard you got to see some action in the desert, Y/L/N.”

You sighed. It was a sensitive topic for you right now, but you didn’t want to offend Chris. “Yeah, I had to shoot my first aggressor.”

“You sound upset.”

“It was just,” You sighed heavily, trying to push the image of the infected soldier from your memory.

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Chris said, opening your eyes to meet your gaze. Before that moment you hadn’t realized how intimate this interaction was with him. His head was in your lap on a pillow, supported by your crossed legs.

“I knew him.” You said quietly.

“I heard he was one of our guys,” Chris said, his tone tinged with a slight sadness.

“He always was so shy and he was so into his routine it was funny. The other members would always clown on him.” You were reminiscing about your comrade.

“I always keep snacks in my room, and one day he broke his routine to see if I had anything. I was so happy that he asked me for something, that I kept buying the same snack so he would keep coming to me, I just wanted him to feel like I had his back.” You started to sniffle, feeling a burning sensation in your sinuses.

“I don’t know what happened he came back from

recon fine, I had just patched him up; then he turned.” You couldn’t help but tremble, Chris felt this and sat up.

You were slightly surprised by his sudden actions, he turned to face you.

He held your shoulders. “I need you to promise me that you’re not going to let this destroy your life Y/N. Remember what I said, it was either you or him.”

“But why did it have to be him?” You let your emotions go. You began to cry, you were wiping your own tears when Chris wrapped his arms around you. It immediately took you off guard.

He just held you, the warmth of his body radiating onto yours, you no longer felt so cold and lonely. He slowly let go of the embrace.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered.

“Don’t apologize, that’s a lot to have on your heart.” Chris looked at you more seriously this time. “Have they done your mental evaluation yet? You guys didn’t get back that long ago.”

You let out a sigh. “Honestly, after all that work to get me in this unit, I think I’m about to fail and be released because of a psych evaluation.”

Chris looked at you sympathetically.

“I guess it wasn’t meant to be, I really am just not cut out for this am I?” You pulled your knees to your chest.

He placed a warm hand on your leg.

“You’re doing just fine, the first kill is always the worst, but it doesn’t get easier. You just get tougher.”

You instinctively put your hand over his and squeezed. “I can’t imagine what you’ve seen, what keeps you going?”

Chris rubbed his hand over his face, his migraine had disappeared finally. “I wanted to stop getting close to others, I wanted to shut down, stop caring about people.”

You rubbed his arm and felt him shiver.

“But, that wasn’t who I am. I’d never stop caring, it was the reason I joined the Air Force and the RPD. It just led me…here.” He trailed off.

“We can’t control what happens to us, is what you’re saying, right Chris?”

He smiled. “Exactly. We can control how it affects us. You’re a sweet girl Y/N, I couldn’t stand to watch this line of work harden you.”

You blushed at the sweet girl comment.

“Well I guess then you’ll be happy that I’m thinking of going to TerraSave.” You said, nervous of how he was going to react.

Instead of looking at you with disgust like you had anticipated, he was excited.

“TerraSave? Really? I’m close with a major player over there, maybe I can tell her you’re interested.”

Your heart sank at the mention of a woman he was close with, you knew you never had a chance with him, but you liked to indulge in the healthy fantasy every once in a while.

“That would be great.” You said sheepishly.

“She’s my sister in case you’re wondering.” He winked at you.

You were embarrassed that your face gave it away that you were jealous.

He then boldly lifted your chin with his hand. “If you end up working for TerraSave, there won’t be any rules against taking you out on a date either.”

“Chris, really?” You laughed. You were in shock.

“I like a woman who doesn’t know when to stop,” he winked at you.

“You’re disgusting.” You playfully hit his shoulder.

He feigned defensiveness. “Hey, I was talking about not giving up on reaching a goal, I don’t know where your mind went to.”

You felt your self melt, he was so dreamy, exactly like you imagined. “I never thought I’d see this side of you, Chris. It’s nice.”

He cupped your face with his hand and you instinctively leaned into his palm.

“It helps when I’m with someone who’s able to bring it out of me” he said, stroking your face with his thumb.

You felt equally relaxed with him too, so relaxed that you let out a yawn.

Chris only chuckled. “I guess it is late, huh?” He said gently pulling his hand away.

You whined at the sensation.

“Don’t get bratty on me now,” he laughed.

You put your head into your hands. “How’s your head?”

“Much better,” he sat up straighter. “Crazy what a few moments of relaxing can do.”

You smiled at him, “Feel free to come to my room anytime.”

[thefanficmonster]

Gaming Night

Ash [Team Theorist] & Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Stress and Anxiety, Crying

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Fluff, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: When a mishap at work proves to be the final straw for Y/N, Ash is there to be the best friend and offer comfort.

Requested by @freakshows199 Hi dear! Sorry for the wait on your request but I hope the final product makes up for it! Love, Vy ❤

It's been quite the week for you. It's exam week, after all, it's to be expected.

Pushing through college while working on Team Theorist means your plate is constantly full but you've gotten used to it. You've built a routine and dynamic around it that allows you to manage your time in a way that allows you to excel at both and still enjoy a decent chunk of free time. Or at least seven hours of sleep.

At the end of the day though, you're only human, and having such a lengthy to-do list is pretty anxiety inducing no matter how organized you are. Just looking at your daily schedule of things that need to get done is enough for stress to start creeping in. It's admittedly not fun, but the final product - whether it be a GTLive video, a theory video you did the research for or a successfully passed midterm - is so rewarding. It makes it all worth it.

This week, however, it's been rather difficult to feel proud of the work you do and even find the motivation to do it. Stress and anxiety have riddled your mind and bleed over into your dreams which has by extension made falling asleep very difficult.

Stress and anxiety coupled with very few hours of sleep and a particularly high dosage of caffeine in your system, it's all a recipe for an inevitable crash-and-burn. Or burnout, in short,

Currently you're setting up the camera and lights for an upcoming GTLive recording session. You got to Steph and Matt's house an hour early because if you were to make a pitstop at your dorm you'd undoubtedly fall asleep and be late. You didn't wanna risk it so you just thought you'd get ahead with your work.

Ash beat you to it though, seeing as how you found them already seated behind the screen, editing the footage you recorded yesterday.

It was only after seeing them that you realized just how much you didn't want to take on the task alone. Ash is one of those people that exude such a calming and comforting aura and they are the most amazing friend to have by your side. It especially shines through when you're going through a period such as this one. They're always there to look out for you when you forget to do it yourself.

"Hey, Y/N?" They grab your attention, removing their headset as they look up at you from behind the monitor.

You stop your ministrations with the ring light and turn to give them your full attention, "Yeah?"

"Can you do me a small favor?" They've barely had time to finish their sentence before you nod, "A lot of people have mentioned that the VHS filter in the game makes it hard on the eyes when they watch the video. I guess it brings down the video quality or something. Could you take a look at the game settings and see if it can be turned off?"

"Oh yeah, I saw a lot of complaints about it. Let me see..." You stabilize the light before sitting down on the couch in front of the TV and opening the game.

You spend an unhealthily large portion of your day staring at a screen. Looking at a bigger one makes no difference as it immediately causes a migraine to start taking over, blurring your vision. That may be due to the lack of sleep or the fact that you forgot to drink enough water today, but before you know it or have been able to blink the blurriness away, you've accidentally pressed the left mouse button.

Once you do you come to realize you've made a big mistake.

Horror floods your whole body when you see that the 'continue game' option is now a darker shade, suggesting it is not available. There is no longer a game to continue. You've accidentally deleted all of the progress Matt made the previous time he played the game. It wasn't small either, he'd made it almost halfway through the story.

And you have just deleted all of it. Two hours of gameplay and effort down the drain.

You cover your mouth with trembling hands, tears already starting to form in your eyes.

This catches Ash's concern, "Y/N? What's wrong?" They ask, removing the headset completely so they can get up off their chair and come over to you, squatting down next to you. The worry you see in their eyes only makes the urge to cry worse.

"I....I-I deleted Matt's progress..." You explain in a shaky, mousy voice, a sob racking through your chest when the words reach your own ears.

Had it been any other day, sure, you'd still be upset about it. But not crying level upset. You'd see it as nothing more than an inconvenient hurdle you can easily overcome in a rational way. There's no rationality at play now.

It just happened at a very wrong time. It's nothing more than a small mishap in theory but its timing is feeding into the self-doubt you've been struggling with since exam season started. Academic insecurity and impostor syndrome have been eating away at you all week and now this feel like a confirmation that all those doubts were in fact warranted.

Even though they aren't at all, whatsoever.

"Hey, hey, hey...." Ash doesn't say it but they're relieved. Seeing your reaction without context scared them into thinking the issue was way worse. Still, they can see it's a major deal to you and they respect that. Especially since they've been well aware of how much stress and pressure you've been under. They've been through similar situations and have had similar reactions. They understand you on a personal level. And they'd never let a friend feel that way without doing their best to intervene and comfort them. Which in this case would involve just putting the whole predicament in perspective to show you how miniscule it is. "It's no big deal. Please don't cry, Y/N. We'll fix it." They say, their arm wrapping around your shoulders to give you a tight, reassuring hug you immediately fall into. You've needed nothing more than a hug this whole week and getting it brings you such relief. It provokes even more tears to stream down your face. Turns out, you've also needed a good cry.

"How?" You manage to say through sniffles, "We're starting filming in twenty minutes."

"We'll play a different game. Last minute game switch. It's happened so many times before. Matt doesn't care, he'll have fun regardless. We'll find him something to play, don't worry." Ash explains calmly, letting you start to grasp on how simple this problem is to solve when the panic takes the backseat. "Tomorrow's Saturday so I can just stick around a bit longer after we're done and play up to the point where Matt left off last time."

There's not a moment you're not grateful to have Ash in your life. This is just one of those moments where you also start believing in angels because they have to be one.

"Thank you so much, Ash." You pull away from the hug to wipe your eyes and be able to look at them properly, "But you're not doing it alone. The least I can do is accompany you. I genuinely want to."

Ash shakes their head, "No way, you need to go home and sleep..."

You cut them off with a wave of your hand, "I will. As you said, tomorrow's Saturday. I can sleep in till 3 PM if I want to. I'd want nothing more than to help fix the mistake I made."

Knowing that your resolve is impossible to shake, Ash decides it's best to just sigh and nod and agree. So that's what they do, "Alright, fine." Suddenly, their eyes light up as they get an idea, "We'll make a night out of it! Get snacks and stuff. It'll be great!"

You can't help the smile that brightens up your face as you nod, "I'd love that."

You truly would. There's very few people whose company you enjoy quite like Ash's. You don't know what you did in a past life to deserve a friend like them but you are very certain that everyone needs an Ash in their life. Everyone needs a ray of sunshine like them to part the rainclouds.

[danger-xylophones]

Death trooper! Reader x thrawn ? Pls 🤲

Warnings: references to surgery, reader is an imperial, imperial propaganda, cybernetics, swearing, use of 'sir' as an honorific, migraine (with aura), acute pain

not edited, we die like morons

I'd also like to direct anyone reading this to check out @shenanigans-and-imagines blog. I'm a huge fan of her fics especially the More Than Sufficient series.

masterlist

Waking up after surgery was always the worst. The anesthesia left you feeling groggy and slow, like you were swimming through swamp water. And it always made adjusting to the new augmentations a bitch because you had to wait for the effects to wear off before you could really start to get used to the cybernetics now directly wired into your brain.

But still you would manage the same as you always had. When it felt as though you'd regained most of your bodily autonomy, you opened your eyes.

And nearly punched the man leaning over you.

"Grand Admiral!" You gritted out, the only trace he'd taken you by surprise. "It is unwise to loom over a waking warrior."

His face twisted imperceptibly, a movement others would miss. "I wished to oversee your recovery, Captain. As I understand, this newest augmentation has a higher chance of being rejected by your body." Thrawn's gaze bored into yours from above, making you feel small and far more vulnerable than you were comfortable with.

With a wave of your hand you gestured for him to back away so you had room to sit up. He did so fluidly - making it look as though he wasn't tied down by gravity at all. "With all due respect, sir," you bit out sharply as you winced, movement had brought a fresh wave of vertigo, "that's what the droid's for." You planted your bare feet on the ground and savored in the chill that shot up your legs, grounding you.

He fell silent and you took his stillness to rise off the examination table and slip behind the privacy curtain to change. It was easy enough to slip into the body glove that protected your skin from your armor. But the excessive jostling from trying to pull on the form fitting clothing steadily worsened the nausea mushing up your head. It got so bad that you had to pause, leaning heavily against the durasteel wall to settle yourself.

"Are you alright?" Thrawn's voice called out from the other side of the privacy screen.

"Fine, Thrawn." You hissed out. Pressing your forehead to the wall provided some relief. "Just a bit dizzy is all." With an effort, you righted yourself and continued to dress despite the way the world was starting to tilt.

"Dizziness after surgery, while completely normal, is not something to dismiss so flippantly, trooper." Thrawn's cool voice was closer now, drawing nearer in time with rhythmic footfalls that only stopped once they'd brought him to the privacy curtain. His volume dropped to just above a whisper and the cloak of command fell away for a moment. "May I see you?"

There was a long pause where you didn't want to answer but eventually a heavy sigh slipped past your lips that he took as an invitation. The pale blue curtain parted to make way for Thrawn's frame as he stepped through, burning red eyes trained on your recovering body. He didn't say anything - he only started to move, gathering up the various components of your armor and bringing them to you.

With a hand to your shoulder, he forced you to sit on a small bench before he crouched and began to attach your kit to your legs. A smile crept onto your lips, unbidden, at the thought that you had helped him dress for his day not that long ago. When he got to the thigh pieces you couldn't help but reach out a hand and trail your gloved fingers across his temple which made Thrawn pause his movements to look up at you. "Yes?" He asked with a tilt of his head.

You shook your head but repeated the action, forcing a stray hair back into its place beside his ear. Thrawn caught your hand on the way down and brought the gloved appendage before him so he could begin attaching your armor to that next. He finished both your arms before rising back to his full height. "Can you manage the last pieces?" His tone, dry and back to its professional cadence twisted the words to almost sound condescending but you heard it for what it was. So, with a nod, you rose to your feet and began to affix the last few pieces to your torso. Thrawn stayed close though, watching in case you needed him to help but thankfully you finished without incident.

He surveyed you once, eyes roaming your form quickly as he searched for any discrepancies. But when he found none, he turned to fetch your helmet from the nearby shelf only to pass it to you in one fluid turn.

Thrawn watched as you settled the black plastoid over your head, working at the seals to they gave the distinctive pop to show it had latched shut. You stayed still as the helmet sprang to life. Before you flashed a series of numbers - your heart rate, your blood pressure, your oxygen level, even a brief overview of the other death troopers' vitals - and the sign that your helmet was adjusting to the new augmentations. You could feel the minute cybernetics at work - forcing your pupils to constrict and dilate before redirecting your focus to a new part of the HUD just to repeat the process.

You must have been standing there, still as a statue, for over a minute before the HUD cleared and you regained full control of your eyes. This time, you were the one to direct them and you chose to focus on Thrawn who had watched you the entire time. Darting your gaze to tiny icon in the bottom left corner, you could bring up a scan of him - showing you his vitals and a thermal map of his body. As well as an overview of his Imperial profile.

"Seems to be working just fine, Grand Admiral." You smirked at him, all too aware he couldn't see it as you moved to collect your gun. "Looks like you were worried for nothing."

He frowned and made a move to the door, you hastened to fall in beside him. "That remains to be seen, ch'acah." He muttered as he opened the door to the med bay and stepped out. "You will tell me if you begin to feel anything out of the ordinary?" You kept hot on his heels as he made his way through the halls, blaster carbine held abreast.

You'd been with Thrawn just long enough to recognize an order even when it sounded like a question. "Of course, sir. If I start to feel off," you emphasized the 'if' as hard as you could, "you'll be the first to know."

He looked over his shoulder, a frown furrowing his brow. "Mind your attitude, Captain. It will not serve you on my ship."

"It's gotten me this far, love." You chirped which earned you a slight purple tint and him hastily looking away. Grinning to yourself, you let Thrawn stew in his fluster and decided to check in with your troops. "Sound off, who's online?" You called into the channel, you could hear the garble that came out through your helmet echoing back.

"DT-457, reporting operational, sir"

"DT-889, reporting operational, sir"

"DT-746, reporting operational, sir"

"DT-816, on standby, sir. DT-709 and DT-832 are de-kitted."

"Thank you, 816." You hummed back as Thrawn and yourself stepped onto the bridge.He continued forward and you took up position on one side of the doorway. "I am, obviously, out of surgery and operational - the Grand Admiral has been escorted to the bridge." Pausing, you found the icon that would bring up the various times each trooper had come online. "457, your shift is up. You are free to return to your quarters."

"Thank you, sir." 457's mic clicked off, telling you she had left the conversation entirely.

"816, come up to the bridge and tell," you paused for a moment, eyes flicking over the times once more, "tell 832 he has 15 minutes before he has to report as standby."

"Of course, sir," a small pause, "he has been informed and I am heading out now."

"Very good. You are all dismissed."

A small chorus of 'yes, sirs' sounded throughout the speakers in your helmet before you were met with the quiet hum of the bridge once more. Turning your focus outward, you found Thrawn looking at you with a quizzical tilt of his head. "Is there a problem, Captain?" He asked, stepping towards you.

"Fine, sir," you responded immediately, "I was just checking in on my soldiers."

He bowed his head, as graceful as ever, "I see, and is everything alright?" Your ears picked up on the subtle undertone immediately and you had to fight back the eye-roll that threatened your composure (nevermind the fact he couldn't see it - he'd hear it).

"Perfectly, fine, sir." Your answer was clipped as you adjusted your stance, squaring your soldiers and raising your chin in defiance.

Thrawn's eyes narrowed but he made no comment as he turned his back to you. Just as you let a sigh of relief slip past your lips, DT-816 arrived to take up position across from you. You nodded to him, acknowledging his presence before returning to attention.

You didn't know how long you'd stood there, you'd learned long ago it was better not to worry about that when on guard duty but at some point you were brought out of your careful disconnected state by the appearance of a dot on the edge of your vision.

It was fuzzy, dark, but ill-defined (although your gut told you it was circular) and you found that it stayed stubbornly put on the edge of your vision no matter where you looked. You huffed, annoyed at the realization that you were probably dealing with a retinal migraine. They were common enough after new augmentations - annoying but not painful like a regular migraine. So, you made a note of it but didn't worry. You could still mostly see and the chance of an attack on the admiral at this very moment was so incredibly unlikely that you could afford to have fuzzy vision for a little while. And a dull ache in your temple.

But exactly 13 minutes later, your nonchalant attitude vanished. It was as if a switch had been flicked and suddenly the tiny, little ball on the edge of your vision had overtaken your sight entirely and on its heels was excruciating pain. Screwing your eyes shut, you felt your back collide with the wall - a hand flayed out to catch yourself. You could hear your heartbeat in your ears, each thump worsening the ache that bloomed from your temple.

"Captain? Captain, are you alright?" DT-816's voice invaded your ears, staticky and panicked, it did little to relieve your suddenly frayed nerves. You could feel a hand at your back, presumably your fellow trooper's, and it offered a bit of resistance as you struggled to stand up straight. You wanted to answer but you also wanted his voice out. The blaster carbine fell from your grasp, clattering to the ground noisily and you couldn't help but curse the day it was made while struggling to get the helmet off.

Hands eclipsed yours, and swiftly moved them out of the way. Instinctively, you started to swat at whoever had just touched you only for your hands to be caught in a heavy grip at the same time your helmet was removed and set aside, exposing your sensitive eyes to too bright light. "Captain, look at me." It was Thrawn. Of course it was Thrawn. You wanted to listen to him, recognizing the order but...you couldn't. The second you lifted your head and tried to peel your eyes open, another wave crashed through your system, this time also making you feel nauseous. You brought your head back down and yanked your hands out of Thrawn's grip to cover both your eyes and your mouth - your body now unsure which was the priority. Thrawn cursed under his breath, and you could feel the warm puff of air against your forehead. "Captain, I need you to calm down." Thrawn was keeping his voice low and you relished in the quiet of his voice. A strong grip encompassed the lower part of your face, forcibly lifting your head. "I'm going to bring you to the medbay." You could feel his lips on your forehead, the feeling was grounding - the warmth his words created on your skin a focal point during your disorientation. "But I need you to stand. Do you think you can walk if I help you?"

You don't remember nodding but you must have as you soon found yourself being hoisted upright, supported as you were made to stand up. Thrawn allowed you to stay hunched over, one hand clamped over your mouth, the other clinging to him - wringing the fabric of his uniform. He kept one leg pressed into yours, making sure you could feel exactly where he was as he slowly guided you away from the bridge right back down the hallway you'd accompanied him in. His arms stayed secured around you, one holding your waist while the other grasped onto your arm embedded in the fabric on his chest.

It felt like the walk to the medbay took hours (possibly due to the shuffling steps you had to take to ensure you didn't topple over). But finally, you could feel your body being lowered down onto a bed - guided by Thrawn's hands and his soft voice. You gave up trying to process whatever it was he was saying and instead just focused on the gentility in his voice.

A cool cloth was settled on your forehead and a warm hand took yours. "My darling, the lights are going to turn down - please try to open your eyes and answer the droid." Unable to answer (still afraid the moment you opened your mouth, you'd vomit) you could only squeeze Thrawn's hand and hope he understood. A few seconds later, the light behind your eyelids did indeed fade and you were able to crack them open just enough to meet Thrawn's eyes. They were blown wide in concern but held a certain restrained disappointment you were too familiar with.

"Not. A. Word." You grumbled out. Thrawn, to his credit, obliged your pride and sat by wordlessly as the droid interrogated you. When it finally gave its diagnosis (over-use - your body had strained to incorporate the augmentations and was over-stressed) and administered a stim, Thrawn ordered it to power down

Now, alone in the medbay with him once more, you could feel your wounded pride ache. The silence was deafening. But he still refused to release your hand. "Visahot," he sighed.

"I know." You sighed right back, closing your eyes again.

"DT-816, returned your helmet and blaster." Thrawn squeezed your hand as he rose from his chair. "If you feel up for it, I would like to move you back to our room so you may rest more comfortably."

You squeezed his hand back, breathing another sigh, "Thank you."

"Of course," Thrawn spoke from above you and you happened to open your eyes again just in time to see him hinge at the waist and bring his face down to yours, "no matter how much you vex me, my only wish is to care for you." He was still keeping his voice low for you as he brushed his lips past yours.

Reaching your free hand up, you cupped the back of his neck, encouraging him to come back, “I love you too."

[cvt2dvm]

Bag Tour 2024: Daily Bag Edition Feat. Hannibal Lector

All images have alt text descriptions with items listed, bag tour, and the reasons for each item below the cut

The Bag Itself:

This bag is a Coach Turnlock Tote bag in the pebbled leather color Blossom. This bag, the belt bag I now use as a bag organizer, and the wallet were all gifted to me in 2019 by a family member. The belt is too large for me at this point in life, so the pouch has been repurposed as a Toolkit of sorts. While it is a hair small fully packed, I enjoy the color of it and the balance of it as well as the functionality of the pockets it has.

The Straps:

My straps on this bag usually aren't this cluttered. However, Hannibal has been coming with me to work on a daily basis to get him used to the idea of traveling, and I needed a place to put his harness.

On my straps there is a malachite pendant necklace attached to the charm loop at the bottom of the right side of the outer strap, and my keys are also usually attached here with a carabiner unless I'm going somewhere that I'd want my keys a little bit more secured. I just like malachite. It looks cool. It's the right shades of green, and it's fairly easy to get ahold of.

I also have my stethoscope looped here if it's not around my neck or on my desk at home. I have a neonate size littman stethoscope since I primarily work in companion animal medicine, and I find that it focuses a bit better on my patients who are less than 15 pounds. I do have a regular litmann as well, but that one stays at the office. Most of my after-hours calls are on cats and small geriatric dogs who have standing orders for as needed injections of certain medications whose owners are either unwilling or unable to administer those medications.

Then, the big thing on the straps today is Hannibal's harness. Little dude is 17 weeks, and a whopping 7 lbs already. I could gush about him literally all day, though. His harness was only on the bag while he was allowed to have free roam over the back of the reception area and wrestle with Chewbacca (my terrier).

Turnlock Pocket:

This is where I keep my human med kit for myself, plus treats for my pets, or snacks for myself. Image 8 is the corresponding image.

Human Med Kit:

Glucometer: I have struggled with Non-diabetic hypoglycemia, POTS, and hemiplegic migraines for about 7 years now due to a moderate traumatic brain injury in my teens. So I tend to take 2-5 glucose readings per day. The rubber gloves in my glucometer bag aren't for me to use on me so much as they are to be ready if I need to assist someone in a first aid setting or administer narcan to someone.

Excedrine Migraine: A tried and true beloved OTC medication, both my terrier, Chewbacca, and my malinois, Phobos, are trained for migraine alert and POTS electrolyte imbalance alert work, although Chewbacca is retired at this point. At the first migraine alert from my dogs, I take one tablet of Excedrine and then wait an hour. If the migraine continues to worsen, I then take the second half of the regular dose. This is what works for me, and you should talk to your doctor about treatment options if you have migraines. Currently, I'm down to only 2-4 migraines a month and only experiencing breakthrough hemiplegic migraine symptoms about once every 3 months with this routine.

Narcan: I carry it everywhere. I was never an opioid addict. However, after my TBI, I did struggle with perscription amphetamine addiction, and as a result of having been through that, and having gotten clean, I've become a really big proponent of harm reduction and narcan access programs. There's a few charities I'm involved with that give away narcan locally, and I'd be happy to put anyone interested in carrying narcan some national resources. I also live fairly close to Philadelphia and have unfortunately had to utilize narcan to assist strangers in bars in the past from tainted supplies.

Menstrual cup: I have PCOS, so my cycle isn't super regular and I'd rather have it and not need it then need it and not have it.

Not Pictured: My supply of both instant iced coffee, instant electrolytes, and protein bars that I keep in my glove box, office desk, and at home. Both the caffiene (increases blood pressure) and the electrolytes (increases sodium and potassium) are important in managing my POTS symptoms. The protein bars are for when my glucose drops a bit too far.

Chicken Churu: This was Hannibal's treat for today, we worked on saying hello to strangers and walking nicely on a leash.

Tech:

Corresponding Photos: 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, & 9

Samsung Galaxybook Go: This is my laptop for work and personal use, it has an LTE data chip so I can use it on the go without sucking up my Hotspot data, and it's got fantastic battery life. I bought this refurbished off of Amazon at the beginning of the year. It also charges with a USB-C cable which is super convenient since the rest of my tech with the exception of my smart watch also utilizes USB-C charging so I can just pack a fast charge block and 2 USB-C cables rather than lug around 5 different chargers.

Samsung Galaxytab S6 Lite: It was on special at costco and has an S-Pen which is great as someone who's memory for reading/typing isn't nearly as effective as my memory for things I've written down. I mostly use this for notes on patients and my studies.

Samsung Galaxy23 Ultra: It has a stylus and is of a similar design, feel, and functionality to my Note9 I just replaced last fall.

Samsung Galaxy Buds2 Pro: The active noise cancelling is fantastic for working in busy coffee shops on Mondays, and the Ambient sound is great for getting a Podcast in during charting or longer monitoring stints.

Samsung Galaxy Watch5: LTE enabled watch helps when I'm away from my phone during the day, it allows me to still get calls, texts, notifications, and keep track of active time and calories burned.

Charging Bundle: One 8" USB-C -> USB-C cord for charging my tablet, phone, or earbuds off of my laptop, one 4' USB-C -> USB-C cord to charge my laptop or other devices if my laptop is sufficently charged, a USB-A -> hard drive cord for my 1TB portable drive, and a USB-A Smart watch charging cord.

Data storage: 8GB flash drive that is mostly used for ultrasound capture transfers and X-Ray Diacom transfers, although occasionally it also gets used for in-house lab data transfers when the WiFi link is acting up. 1 TB portable hard drive, this contains textbook PDFs, a large music library, archived notes, and lesser used reference tables and software. It also has copies of my more important documents.

Vlogging/Content Creation Supplies: Light bar, microphone, mini tripod, comfort grip, and microphone stand. Basically just stuff to enhance recording quality for tiktoks, reels, and YouTube videos (coming soon).

Books & Stationery:

Pocket Edition Book of Common Prayer: No, I am not carrying a Bible around, I have an app for that. This is a Book of Common Prayer (1979 edition) for The Episcopal Church. While I'm laity, I do still try and take time for Morning Prayer/Matin, Noonday Prayer/Diurnum, Evening Prayer/Evensong, and End of Day Prayer/Compline. These are quiet moments for me to break away from the stressors of the day. I also utilize 2 additional devotionals for quiet time upon rising and before bed that supplement my regular journaling, however these stay on my bedside table with my primary journal.

Martha Stewart For Staples Discbound Junior Notebook, this is my planner, quick notebook, and lazy journal, I basically dump my brain out right here throughout the day.

Paper clips: From marking off the current month and week in my planner to organizing papers from drug reps, to getting a client printed copies of their records, there's lots of paperclip usage.

Correction tape: I don't often use pencils and sometimes my brain goes faster than my hand and mistakes happen.

Erasers and pencil leads: If I'm out and about I don't want to lose my ability to sketch and use pencils if they're needed

Pens: Pink, Red, and Black ink, my standard for personal notes is Pink ink, while business notes are done in black, the red is for corrections on both

Pencil: it's the same grip as my favorite pens that I can write for hours with, super beneficial for long study sessions.

S Note App: My longer rough notes and revised notes are done in SNote with a SPen/stylus and handwritten out. I also tend to keep spare nibs on hand, however I am currently out of spare nibs.

Sticky notes/flags: great for passing off notes to coworkers, flagging charts, or marking messages.

Snack Attack:

Travel Cutlery set with a fork, spoon, and knife so that I don't have to get utensils when I grab breakfast or lunch at Wawa or the local BBQ joint

Travel straw: Save the turtles while still enjoying my Starbucks

Bandana/neckerchief: No single use napkins here

Coozie: Perfect for NA Seltzers, Sodas, or a beer at the bar after work. Plus it holds all my other eating supplies.

Beauty/Hygiene:

Hand lotion: washing hands between every patient can leave my hands feeling pretty gnarly, so I always pack lotion

Perfume: Anal Glands happen, and sometimes you just... need to freshen up a bit.

Dry Shampoo: my hair always looks super greasy after taking my scrub cap off after surgeries, this buys me enough time to get through my shift

Hand sanitizer: ideal for housecall visits or visits to elder care facilities where you may not be able to properly wash your hands between patients.

Lip gloss: I'm not a huge fan of lip balms and the waxy feeling they leave on my lips vs the glide of a lipgloss or oil.

Sewing kit: Because if your shirt rips in vet med, it's probably going to be in a place you really don't want it to rip

Manicure kit: wrestling with animals can cause nail breakage and hang nails, and I'd rather not have to chew one off. It also has tweezers that come in handy for splinters or thorns picked up from animal coats.

Blotting sponge: again, I tend to start looking greasy after surgery because I sweat. And I'd rather be able to take care of it quickly and discreetly

Condoms: These don't need to be in my work bag, but they're in the tool kit along with my most basic essentials because the Toolkit is in every bag I use, including bags I use when I go out for girls night or linedancing. Also another have and not need vs need and not have item.

Hair tie, bobby pins, barette: just little extra bits and bobs as needed for hair issues, sometimes the dry shampoo isn't enough and the only solution is to throw my hair up into a slicked back ponytail instead of having it down.

Cooling wet wipe: again, surgical sweating

Other Essentials:

Wallet: Obvious Reasons

Nicotine Pouches: I've quit vaping but I haven't quite kicked the habit entirely yet

Unpictured: Glock 43. I uber and doordash after work, I also deliver controlled substances for patients in some not-so-great areas being ravaged by the opioid epidemic. I'm also a 5'5" disabled female who lives alone and has had a stalker. Sorry not sorry, it's insured, I'm licensed, and I take courses for it routinely.

If you have any questions, comments, or thoughts, feel free to DM me, comment here, comment in the tags, or reblog. Also, I'm aware this is Tumblr and that the Jesus stuff can be frightening to see, just want to make note that I do fall somewhere between a pluralist and a universalist. As long as you aren't using your religious views to oppress, marginalize, or harm people, we're good as far as I'm concerned.