#did my fucking rsd trigger or what i have no idea

[teethgnashing]

cool that my brain can just fucking tank itself and force me to back out of a situation i am genuinely enjoying myself in

[wabblebees]

.

[olderthannetfic]

I am dead serious. This did happen to me. People act like your should know their boundaries when they never said what their boundaries were.

--

LOL. Christ, nonnie.

Are you the one who's having trouble with being recognized? Because I have plenty of readers with RSD, but most of them wouldn't do this. I'm getting the sense I just have the one mega hostile ask sender.

If you aren't messing with me and this story is true you need a therapist badly.

I don't mean this in some stupid anti "lol, seek help" insulting sense: I mean that your judgement of where social norms is so vastly outside of most people's, even most nerdy weirdos', that you are not going to be socially successful without some serious work with a professional.

I can try to give you advice and explain things, but you are far too severe for some random blogger to help. I am not a professional. I don't know you. You need a pro who meets with you in person, probably weekly if not more. (Or, well, probably over zoom for now, but ideally in person if and when that's practical.)

Right now, you are a danger to people around you.

I don't say that lightly. But your own description of what happened is deeply concerning. Let's take another look at your ask:

If someone sends you an ask and it makes you uncomfortable do you tell the person it made you uncomfortable or do you just delete it leaving the person wondering why you didn’t answer. I had this happen to me I sent an ask about a character being abused because he’s so touch starved. Instead of telling me it made them uncomfortable they ignored my ask. So I kept pestering them asking where my ask was until they started yelling at me to leave them alone that the ask made them uncomfortable. I got mad and said “I am not clairvoyant how was I supposed to know abuse makes you uncomfortable you miserable bitch it’s call communication try it sometime you screeching hag” I know I shouldn’t have said that but they made me feel like shit and an asshole. How was I supposed to know they don’t want to talk about abuse.

Okay, so, to give you a real answer to this:

1. Send a max of 2 asks

The normal response to asks a person hates is to ignore it. People don't owe a response. If you send an ask and the person doesn't answer, you can send one more ask to check if they got the first ask. If they still don't answer, that means they don't want to answer, and you should leave them alone.

Social mores differ between groups, and different people have different tolerances for ask topics, but 'check in once and then leave them alone' is a pretty safe standard.

You can send another ask when you have a new topic that is different from the previous one or when you're engaged in a conversation with the blogger like you are with me now. If they're responding to you, it's okay to send more asks.

2. Common triggers

I cannot believe that I need to state this on my blog, but fine.

While individual people's triggers and squicks are idiosyncratic, there are certain topics that upset/bother/gross out many, many, many people: Rape, abuse, real life tragedy, bodily functions.

People routinely send me asks about weird kinks, but that's because they assume it's okay because my tumblr is already constantly full of stuff like that.

If you send a rando an ask about "Do you think character X is abuuuuuuused????" you are asking them to contemplate the idea of a character they like in tragic circumstances. This is upsetting and unpleasant to a lot of people, especially if they don't know you.

You're not clairvoyant?

For fuck sake, dude, "Abuse upsets people" does not require clairvoyance. This is a very common boundary that the vast majority of people have.

You should know this.

Not because it's some special fandom thing but because you are a person in the world. Even most people who are on the spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent would know this already.

If you don't know this, you should get a therapist and talk to them about basic, common, normal social boundaries.

You fucked up. Not the person you sent the ask to.

You.

3. What you say when you're mad says a lot

Some celebs are like "Oh, I was drunk! Oh, I was upset!" when they drunkenly call someone slurs. But we all know that most people can get very angry and blurt out things by accident without blurting out slurs. What thing is on the tip of your tongue says a lot.

In your case, you said: “I am not clairvoyant how was I supposed to know abuse makes you uncomfortable you miserable bitch it’s call communication try it sometime you screeching hag”

First, you put the blame on them when 100% of the blame is on you.

They did absolutely nothing wrong.

You have done many things wrong.

Second, you called them a "bitch" and a "screeching hag". These insults are sexist and ageist. They make it sound like either you hang out with sexist men in a part of fandom far from here or like you're a teenage anti who likes to insult older women. In either case, it suggests you have many other dangerous, bad values a person might wish to stay away from.

You sent an ask that was obviously something that might upset someone.

Then you hounded the person for attention you were not entitled to

Then you blew up at them in a bigoted manner.

And now, you have the temerity to blame them and think they were mean to you.

It is not this other person's job to communicate with you. Your friends do owe you some level of cooperative communication. People who have already agreed to interact with you owe you some level of collaboration. However, you have approached a rando and demanded that they do 100% of the work to communicate. They didn't owe you any communication, never mind 100% of the work.

4. No one cares if you feel bad

I know I shouldn’t have said that but they made me feel like shit and an asshole

First of all, you are an asshole.

You are a raging asshole who is a danger to the people around you and who will remain a danger until you get some fucking therapy.

Second, it doesn't matter. Random internet people don't care if you feel like shit and they have no reason to.

But more importantly:

You feeling bad =/= someone did something to you

This is an elementary and common nerd error. The mere fact that you experience harm doesn't mean someone else is responsible or owes you anything or can be called to task. They did nothing wrong. You're just having emotions. And that means those emotions are your problem.

You fucked up.

Find a therapist.

[introverted-scribblings]

Hello! Hope I'm not too late! You deserve all the best, even the small things!!!

Name/Aliases: Hunny, Hun, Ice (irl)

Zodiacs: Aries sun / Virgo moon / Leo rising / Year of the snake (2001)

Personality Type: INFP - A

Pronouns: She/Her

Orientation: Aegosexual / Homoromantic (wlw)

I am 21! I am 5’6-5’7ish, and 99lbs last I checked. Still not the best weight, but I’m working on it. I’m very skinny and lanky with a defined waist, but I’m trying to grow a bit of muscle. I have long dark/black hair that I have no idea how to style; it’s fine and high porosity so it tangles and gets damaged easily. My eyes are brown, but can appear black in the shade and golden in sunlight. I have a lot of dark marks over my body from acne and so many bruises on my legs from work. I prefer being comfortable most of the time (like, if i could be naked all the time, that’d be great), but there are a lot of aesthetics that interest me!

So there’s probably a lot to say about who I am, but I’ll try and keep it brief. The things that line up between all of my zodiacs and personality type is that I’m very introverted and empathetic. I don’t have a lot of close-close friends, and the ones I do have are kind of opposite reflections of who I am. They’re loud and excitable and perhaps a little unkempt with amazing style, while I am usually quiet, and extra polite with a heavy focus on my hygiene since my style sucks. I live vicariously through my friends’ drama as the mom/therapist friend and I’m constantly on top of making sure everyone’s okay. My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation.

I deeply enjoy the little beautiful details of life and observe the world around me in an artistic lens. I love photography in the way you can quickly capture the fun shape of a cloud or the way snow glistens when it first sticks to the ground. I adore those small moments of intimacy, like a coffee already made for you in the exact way you like it or the heartbeat you feel even being just pressed up into their side. I love writing in which I can truly show the reverence and love of these moments.

On the other hand, I am also extremely intelligent despite my emotional exaggeration. I’ve always found science interesting and math is easy when it’s present and practiced on. And psychology is a very close topic to my heart, so I learn anything I can about it. And on this topic: FUCK FREUD!!! Literally setting the psychology movement 1000 years back by destroying his studies. Disgraceful.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and never treated for it, but my home life was always rather adhd friendly. A lot of my symptoms include the inattentive type, but I’m hyperactive in some strange ways. I’ll move and shift a lot, but I’m constantly hyper aware of what’s going on around me and I hyperfocus on a task/topic until I eventually burnout. I’m impulsive in the way of “how can I solve this problem in the fastest way possible” (so like climbing things I’m not supposed to in order to reach something, or picking the skin off my lips cause they’re dry and bothering me, etc). I do have auditory and memory processing issues, so I may need a moment in between being asked questions. I do have RSD which is mainly triggered by my schooling/academics, so I try to avoid talking about it if I can.

I have been emotionally hurt a lot by people I thought were friends, and I’ve grown more confident than I ever have been in my boundaries of how I let people treat me.

I think this is everything… Yeah, it should be. I can’t wait to see who I’m matched with and I hope your week gets better! “Remember to lead with kindness, because at some point you’ll have to stop being kind. Then show them no mercy.” <3

You were actually the first matchup request I received so you're perfectly on time lol. I did see your second ask and I'm more than happy to give you an OHSHC matchup! You're such a sweetheart btw

I hope you enjoy what I've come up with!!

I match you with...

~Tamaki~

Hear me out…

He might’ve started out flirting with you, but once you explain your orientation to him, he backs off and respects it 100%

However, platonically, I think you two are a great match!

He would be the best friend you could ask for because he cares for you so much!

He balances out your introvertedness and enjoys helping you out of your comfort zone a bit.

He wouldn’t pressure you though, and if you were uncomfortable he’d ease up.

You say your love languages are quality time and words of affirmation? This man checks both of those boxes.

He loves spending time with you, he feels truly relaxed around you and makes sure to tell you that!

Your friendship (like all good friendships imo) is built on communication.

Whatever boundaries you set with him, he’ll respect. And you do the same for him.

He also views the world with a very romantic eye, appreciating the beauty in the world. Though he’s a lot more flamboyant about it I’m assuming.

You should definitely show him whatever photos you take! He’s so on board with your hobbies.

He probably jokes that you should take pictures of him because you’d capture his beauty perfectly.

He (Kyoya) suggests that you take pictures for the Host Club considering you have a good photography eye.

He might also be looking for an excuse to have you at the host club.

He wants to spend time with you!

You two would remember the little things about each other. How you like your tea/coffee, what your favorite movies are, your favorite type of music, etc.

He’s a master at giving gifts due to this fact.

I think you two would have a friendship playlist on Spotify or something. Just a mix of music that reminds you of each other.

He absolutely applauds your intelligence!

His best friend is so smart and he’s so proud!

Probably goes to you with questions because Kyoya can be mean sometimes.

He feels horrible that you were treated poorly by “friends” in the past and, either consciously or unconsciously, is trying to make up for that.

He wants to be your best friend, he wants to be someone you can trust and rely on.

He just cares about you a lot, you’re very dear to him as his close, if not closest, friend.

Due to your therapeutic/motherly nature, he opens up to you a lot more than other people.

Overall, you make him happy, and he’ll do his best to make you happy too!!

The song I pick for you two is:

“Kaleidoscope” by A Great Big World

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

35 Q’s for Fanfic Writers

From this post

I’m having a shitty, rude alter-y, crap night so I’m just going to answer all of these to distract myself and focus and to not bother anybody just making my own post and putting it under the cut btw, notice to anyone not aware: since I’m moving I won’t likely be updating anything until I’m done doing so.

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing?  (No downplaying yourself!) 3/5? Could use more editing and description and can be weirdly paced.

2. Why do you write fanfiction? Because it’s better than focusing on pain 24/7. 

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works? I don’t seem to have a specific narrative voice that people recognize but I’m pretty proud of mostly organic dialogue. 

4. Are there any writers that inspire you? as a rule i never look up to anybody for inspiration but there’s some stuff in my ao3 bookmarks I fawn over.

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of? Right now, none of them. It changes normally, anyway. If get too proud then I’d get my ass kicked by RSD if someone didn’t like it so it’s safer this way

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily? Dialogue. 

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most? Organic description, poetic language kind of stuff. I can paint a scene but I’m not so great with bring out out a feeling with description alone.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write? Janus and Virgil are probably tied. They both have things I struggle with but I don’t have to go back and do much adjusting of language and tone with them. Though admittedly my Virgil is signifigantly more foul-mouthed than canon and I tend to prefer pre-AA feral asshole Virgil.

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write? Patton. I write him the least, so people can probably tell. I love Patton, I really do, but it’s so hard to keep away from fanon Patton. 

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for? Angst w/ H/C obviously. Or if you’re talking about regular book genres, Fantasy. I fucking love fantasy world building.

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most? Trauma. I blame Daeram. As if Ayri isn’t a giant Angst Demon.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about. Slopes. I’m really into it. I’ve got three one shots running right now. Patrons can read the first part of the unnamed cat remus one, there’s also a coffeeshop au tropey nonsense one like eglantine & lycoris, but Slopes is addiction angst. Mmmmm. Virgil is addicted to coke and alcohol and will listening to his friends even be in time? Who knows, especially not me, but there’s already over 30k. 

13. First fandom you ever wrote for? InuYasha. Or was it Harry Potter? Or shit, The Blue Sword? Fuck, I’ve been writing for a long time, I really have no idea.

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for? Sanders Sides. The characters are the perfect dynamic for writing since they exist in balance of each other and the popular, easy to project on archetypes featured are incredibly fun to do basically any scenario with.

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for? Weird storywise? Kingdom Hearts? I can’t even follow the plot anymore. Weird Fandomwise? Sanders Sides. Its simultainiously the fluffiest and angstiest nonsense at the same time.

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)? Vampires. Gay ones. Gay Vampires. I also love calm tol and angy smol.

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for. Any tropes that normalize incredibly toxic behaviour or tropes that are inherantly ableist, but I can’t think of any.

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written? Incorrigible continues to be complete nonsense.

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between? AUs. I mean closest I even have is canon-divergence other than a single short.

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff? I like it when there is gay nonsense along with a plot that is treated as more important than the relationship the most. But I like both. There’s more shippy stuff in tss so i read more shipping action by default.

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!) Anxceit/Sleepxiety, but in general, give me darksides or give me death/j

22. Do you listen to anything while you write? Almost everything I write has a special playlist I listen to to help me write it, but otherwise I listen to my Nyan playlist, an alter is picking the tunes, or a voidfam playlist. I never have music off. When my internet is down I just listen to the songs I own or Anxiety’s theme on loop.

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas? I’m fine with all of them. I love working with prompts but I tend to deviate. And I’ve never done a challenge since I can’t do deadlines and bad things happen bingo never sent me a card and I applied three times.

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works? I am generally multi-chaptered stuff, but I’ve been working on a few one-shots lately that are much longer than most one shots.

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them! I was originally thinking of doing some little 13-year-old Dreaming!Roman (y’know, the one with a job) shorts but it turns out I just had an alter of that little bastard and that’s why I inexplicably know more about him then I ever even considered. I still might do them after Dreaming is done. But that’s paced so slowly who knows when that might happen. Otherwise I put stuff in my notes and just do shorts of it if I’m like “oh you know what’s cool???” but since I can’t daydream maybe this question doesn’t apply to me.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try? I want to do more autism stuff, and I’ve had it demanded a few times, but I’m scared of being that explict about it for some reason. Possibly because I might be, possibly because I’m scared of doing it wrong even though I’ve accidentally coded multiple characters autistic. I’m scared of explictly tagging them as such, too. 

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received? That I can remember off the top of my head? I’m going with one from @a-genz-with-trauma-and-kins. It really helped me out and was just so kind and literally the best christmas gift I got in 2020. 

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing? I can handle it alright but Daeram is a little fucking pissbaby about it. Constructive criticism helps people get better, so I appreciate it. I can’t handle critism that is incomplete, though. “i just don’t get it” or “I don’t know I don’t like it” kind of things. If I can’t understand the why to fix it then things get out of control. And then I spiral and RSD for like four days minimum. If it came from an anon or a troll, too, It might not bother me for as long. Things that are just like “this is shit and you should feel bad” just make me laugh. Couldn’t even bother to read it long enough to insult me proper? I don’t care.

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out? I have a few times. Mostly in shorts and prompts, I think. I think they turned out okay. They’re not particularly inspired or anything.

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst? Depends on my mood. Am I triggered? give me the fluff. Am I vibin? Angst. 

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them! Fuck, fam, no, I can’t, I have so many. I have multiple original stories and some of them have very large casts and like holy fuck. Or do you mean in Sanders Sides fandom? Um, Morgan and Thorn in PD. The lesbian and her himbo dynamic. I love them. They’re dorks. Morgan is strong person with sharp tongue and soft romantic heart and Thorn is just so kind and so dumb and so exciteable he’s like a puppy. They were just filler characters and I got attached to them. Felton even gets redemption for being an ass later in PD, like oof i never intended to include so much OC content, especially for names I just picked randomly. 

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less. nope I’m doing all of them because these are fun plea for my new self: 2 gay vampires, 4 humans, 1 braincell dreaming while I wake: trauma child needs therapy and so do you break: big oof, oh dragons, oh why, go virgil go rebuild: virgil is so not okay there’s more virgil to deal painful death: gay teens drink themselves into a new religion stargazing: whoops we didn’t realize people actually cared whole castle: everyone will throw down for kid!patton, even you incorrigible: found family with a shot of psychological horror and crack dangerous instincts: wholesome crime syndacite action  slopes: addict gets mugged and thinks that’s just fine with him conflagration: logan avoids everything ever like a champ cat!remus: bored fae shifts gay pining from one person to another  caffeine cyptids: caffinated gay panic goes faster than regular gay panic eglantine & lycoris: more tropes than you can toss a shoe at storytime: overpowered virgil also overreacts literally always

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process? an alter and I write together and I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, what I’m writing about, or even what year it is. I often don’t even remember what I wrote. There’s no outline. I have an idea and I pick things at random for it. There’s just notes and an evil gleam in a demon’s eye. The only reason I know more than readers is because I take a long time to edit and some of these stories have fucking alters up in my head who can tell me things. Daeram tells me nothing. The writing demon supposedly has all this knowledge but I have absolutely no clue because he does not talk to me, he just fronts and slams out 9k in a few hours or we cofront to write and I’m like “oh no she didn’t” while typing 

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of. i’m fond of the entire painful death series and I tried to find something I really liked without spoilers in stargazing and I couldn’t so here’s a random thing from incorrigble: “So, what do you do with your friends?” Patton continued on with a megawatt smile. “Grand larceny,” Virgil deadpanned and glared at Patton, who was taken aback. Remy and Andy just broke out laughing while Virgil tentatively sipped his still-too-hot-cocoa. 

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!  slopes my dudes slopes i have learned so much about cocaine! like wow! I thought for a minute it was going to end with MCD around 30k but it swtiched from whump to hurt/comfort and I still don’t know if it’s going to be MCD but look at that funky little coke/alcohol addict go, it’s a medical wonder he’s alive! It’s not like there’s what seems to be a little talked about interaction between alcohol and cocaine that causes a toxic chemical to build up in the liver which can result in liver failure and sudden death at basically any moment! Which is part of why it may result in MCD but this time no ghosts! maybe it’ll be h/c with whump elements or maybe it’ll be whump with h/c elements we can’t know for sure

[elyvorg]

Still a Hero - author’s commentary (part ADHD)

Yep, it’s that fic of mine again, the one I still haven’t stopped thinking about even though I published it like half a year ago now. I’m finally getting around to doing a little bit more author’s commentary on it that I didn’t do back then, because these bits involve the idea that Kaito has ADHD, and at the time I hadn’t yet made my post explaining all the reasons why I’m sure of that and all the symptoms of ADHD that Kaito is definitely affected by. For the purposes of this post here, I’m going to assume you’ve read that. Heck, even if you’re not interested in my fic, if you enjoy my analyses of Kaito, please go read that post if you haven’t already! It’d mean a lot to me.

My headcanon of ADHD-Kaito in DRV3 itself may or may not have been something the writers actually meant to drop a million hints towards and therefore may or may not be the official canon “truth” about him. But, since I’m the writer of Kaito in this particular fic, and I did have it consciously in mind that he’s ADHD while writing it, Kaito being (unknowingly) ADHD is officially canon in the Still a Hero universe, because I say so.

(And yeah, I doubt anyone even noticed this. Imagining that he’s ADHD doesn’t change anything about who Kaito is; it only adds an extra interesting layer to why he is this way. All I did was use that to help inform the ways I wrote him reacting to some of the things he went through in the fic.)

Chapter 2 – emotional dysregulation

The second and significantly worse half of Kaito’s self-torturing session, once he snaps and gets uncontrollably, painfully angry, was something I deliberately wrote as being some very nasty emotional dysregulation.

For the first half of this ordeal, when he’s thinking about breaking out on behalf of the kids to prove it’s possible after all, Kaito’s still basically in control of himself. He’s being stubborn and short-sighted and self-destructive and definitely making the wrong choice, but it’s still him making a choice and consciously deciding of his own volition that this is a good idea, that this pain will be worth the end result that he can totally reach.

This stops being the case after long enough, though – and it’s no coincidence that it happens right when it begins to sink in for Kaito on a deep, visceral level just how horribly helpless he is.

At that point, Kaito pretty much just snaps and loses control entirely, getting overwhelmed by a disproportionately-amplified rage that’s really just a defence mechanism for those other feelings that he simply can’t cope with. He drops any sense of the vaguely-rational mindset he had at the beginning that this is going to take a while and only gradually chip away at the frame’s integrity each time, and devolves into a completely irrational THIS NEXT SINGLE HIT WILL DEFINITELY BREAK IT. Which, of course, is incredibly counterproductive in that it only serves to make him feel even more weak and helpless furious when it repeatedly doesn’t.

Thankfully I don’t get the fly-into-a-rage kind of ADHD emotional dysregulation that often – but this also means that I can look at the very specific edge cases that do happen to trigger it for me and figure out that the root cause is almost certainly a completely immovable sense of helplessness. I’m not saying this is necessarily the case for every ADHDer who suffers from anger issues, but man does that make for some delightfully convenient personal experience for me to have drawn on when writing this particular scene.

I can also confirm from this experience that what sucks way more than the actual initial problem that the anger is triggered by (which doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal! ADHD loves to amplify stupid tiny things!) is the anger itself once it takes hold, how completely all-encompassing and uncontrollable it is. Nobody should ever want to feel that way. It’s different when you have a cause to be righteously angry about, like Kaito did at the beginning of this scene, but what I’m talking about doesn’t feel anything like that – it just feels ugly and painful and wrong.

Mind you, when this anger first takes control of him, Kaito does also choose to indulge in it rather than fight it, because he’s still stubbornly insisting to himself that any kind of pain is better than giving up. (Meanwhile, in other situations where Kaito’s gripped by this kind of too-strong anger, such as when he might end up hurting someone he cares about (oh hi trial 4), he’d probably be trying to fight it to some extent… but even when he does that, it doesn’t seem like it’s very successful.)

But even then, there’s some small, smothered, barely-acknowledged part of Kaito that really doesn’t want this at all. That part of him begins to feel more trapped by his own anger than by the contraption itself, hating the way he refuses to let up on hurting himself both physically and emotionally and really wishing he could control himself and just stop.

The problem is that the only real way to try and quell this kind of anger is to confront the true (and equally-amplified) painful emotions that the anger is just a cover for. Which in this case would, in theory, result in Kaito breaking down in a huge crying fit over how utterly trapped and helpless he feels. Yeah, no way he's doing that at this point in his arc, so furious self-destruction it is!

Chapter 4 – uncontrollable thoughts

Multiple times throughout the fic, but especially in chapter 4 when he’s attempting to sleep, Kaito tries to just think about nothing at all. He never truly manages it, because ADHD minds cannot ever think about nothing.

(…You know, even as I say that, there’s still a part of my brain going “but isn’t it actually because it’s not possible for anyone to think about nothing?”, despite that I’ve heard that actually that’s a perfectly reasonable thing for neurotypical people to be able to do. Sounds fake, but okay. My brain has never shut up even once in my life.)

The other problem here is the ADHD inability to properly control what we’re focusing on and thinking about. I’ve found that this gets even worse when I’m tired, dulling what little control I ever had in the first place. Instead of thinking about nothing, I just end up thinking about whatever random crap happens to be in the path of least resistance for my train of thought. This can be… not great when it comes to avoiding bad thoughts that it’s easy to spiral into focusing on when left unchecked.

I had this idea in mind a lot for this chapter as Kaito attempts to sleep. Usually, he’d be firmly trying to think about anything but what’s happening to him right now and how he’s feeling about it. When he’s this horribly exhausted, though, he has so much less control over that. So he keeps getting unwillingly bombarded by thoughts about the most immediate physical sensations he’s feeling – hungry, thirsty, hurting – and how much he wishes they’d just go away, even though that’s the last thing he wants to think about.

The whole “someone who thinks he’s strong” thing was meant to be this kind of idea, too. When Takehira says that to him at the beginning, it lodges somewhere deep in Kaito’s mind, because he subconsciously already feels like it’s the truth about him and is terrified of what it’d mean if it was. So naturally, on the surface, he stubbornly files it away as Not Worth Wasting Time Thinking About. But then it keeps popping into his head anyway, usually in moments where his mental defences are weakened, because an ADHD brain does not care what its owner doesn’t want to be thinking about and will nudge their train of thought down those paths whether they like it or not.

(Okay, so maybe all of this isn’t quite so specifically being caused by Kaito having ADHD. Probably anyone who’d been through what Kaito had would have lost a lot of their ability to control what they’re focusing on and thinking about by this point. …Unless the neurotypical equivalent here really would be to just naturally stop thinking about anything out of exhaustion, despite not being able to actually sleep? I wouldn’t know. But my point is that I had ADHD-related ideas in my mind to help me write this, either way.)

Chapter 6 – rejection sensitivity dysphoria

Kaito’s huge sobbing fit over believing he’s failing Shuichi and Maki was something I had very consciously in mind as the absolute worst kind of RSD-fuelled breakdown imaginable.

It might have seemed a bit excessive of me to have Kaito’s emotional pain completely eclipse the actual physical torture for so long – and he was sobbing uncontrollably for something like half an hour, maybe more, before it wore itself out – but, no, can confirm, RSD really is just that fucking awful. Imagine the already-very-legitimate pain of being convinced that his best friends are going to die because of him, but disproportionately multiplied by like a thousand. Next to that, the excruciating torture-poison is nothing.

(Well, maybe this would have made sense anyway, because the fact that the thought of getting his friends killed hurts even more than the torture is precisely why Kaito was obviously never going to break! But that wasn’t actually the main thing on my mind when I wrote it that way; I just realised that it fit that after the fact.)

I also drew off my own experiences of some of my worst RSD episodes (which were still not nearly as bad as what Kaito went through here, and which thankfully I haven’t had that many of) to help me write Kaito’s physical reactions to this kind of emotional agony. I hope I did a good job of getting across what it physically feels like to be crying that horrendously, uncontrollably hard – not just quiet sobbing, but straight-up loud, ugly, inconsolable bawling. In a way, writing it felt almost like yet another kind of torture I was putting him through.

[heavenaintaniceplace]

i’ve left!

in good news i finally got away from that community that was causing me grief! from this post

my last post there was literally me lamenting about how their community is built on a fundamental mistrust of its members and a over realiance on “veterans/elders” to make decisions and call the shots for people only for another people to vague post me and say that ‘actually our system is really good and people enforcing it are meant to help you’.

well fuck all of that, i shut down my blog and i’m not looking back. i finally decided that the ways they acted was triggering my RSD one times too many and tbh one time was far than enough. i shouldve dipped way earlier when the big conflicts were happening but anyways....

i started this post and drafted it yesterday so now i’ve time for all my feelings about it to settle in and time to actually think about them. right now the realization that i finally after 4 years cut them loose and have resisted the urge to go back or even look at their posts is still so fresh and it feels so strange?? i feel like i’ve finally dropped a bunch of dead weight, my head feels clearer. i have no idea whats going on without me and first i was really curious about it but now i feel less and less of the urge to go back and look at all. its been 12 whole days and i know time goes fast in quarantine but i’m proud of me for holding out that long! sometimes i feel sad about everything i left behind, my blog linked to it felt like my own little home and now that its metaphorically burned down i feel like home is wherever i carry me not the site or the people.

and the small realizations are so nice too? like i was thinking about something i was working on and how they might react to it then i realized “i don’t have to follow their rules anymore” and “i actually don’t have to care what they think anymore” and that was so !!!!!!! holy shit why didnt i do this before. and yeah all my issues like my mental health won’t go away overnight but at least thats not making it worse anymore and i can kind of tell. my mental health has inched towards getting better instead of plummeting every time something bad happened there.

mostly i get parts of that same feeling of being in the “wilderness” again when i was searching for them years ago but this time i’m not searching for anything. i’m just free now.

i wanna thank everyone that responded to the og post by telling me i should leave, thank you so much for saying that because it really did help me.

[fuckedupevil-slumberparty]

Alright so I made this blog because I have a spicy personality disorder and it has convinced me that if I don't force myself to use a customer servicesona at all times that I am #toxic and #burning in hell so this is just where I don't have to worry about that.

This isn't a discourse blog please do not interact with me with the intention of discoursing

Basic Info

Not to be a kinnie on main but I'm too tired to pick a name rn so you call me Glimmer. Or Slumber works too actually. Honestly kin assign me names.you think fit my.vibes. cause confusion...get.wild.with it I do.not mind.

Any pronouns except for he/him which I don't vibe with. You can use she/her if you're a fellow nonbinary but I'm not a girl btw <3

Like my bio says I'm plural, if you don't know what that means it means there's multiple people in my (our) body. I'm the only one likely to use this blog I also will not tolerate any discourse about this. If you're singlet you can ask about it but don't clown or I will make all the tags on your clothes indestructible and scratchy.

While my body is an adult I am not internally. All this means is I'm not that mature and that I'm stressed from having to act the body's age at all times (But this does not mean that I am actually underaged at all, I am functionally and legally an adult and will act like one but a very immature very tired one that just wants to stop being the one piloting this flesh suit so I can vibe). For this and trauma reasons please do not talk about adult stuff (nsfw mainly but stuff that wouldn't be appropriate for teenagers) to me without my permission.

Sometimes I age regress I doubt I will post about it often but just know that it is the mental illness kind and not the gross fucked up kind

I have so so many (self) dxes but most importantly autism (so I misunderstand things easily) Dyslexia (so I misread/misinterpret things a lot) and ADHD + BPD (I have bad RSD and panic when I think I've fucked up somehow) I don't use my mental deal as an excuse for anything but keep that in mind if I ever mess something up or am messy.

DNI

The usual stuff I'm too tired to list everything that's on most DNIs but if you're right wing/conservative, a TERF, a transmed, etc. then DNI.

If you think only people with DID can be plural/multiple, think that you have to have trauma to, think that fictives aren't real/valid, or fakeclaim systems. (I have either DID or OSDD1 and am traumagenic so don't even try it lmao) if you don't know what this means then you're good dw I won't be explaining it because said group looks up that discourse and sends death threats and ableist bs to bootlick psychiatry.

If you're pro-kink for like...anything popular tbh I have no idea if there is a single kink community not rooted in abuse and/or oppression so I'm just saying all of them. Go away nasties.

Anyone who's ok with shipping gross shit like pedophilia incest abuse etc bc it's fiction

Anyone into shit like Yandere, traumacore, stuff that fetishizes mental illness or trauma. (Tl:dr on traumacore it paints trauma as an aesthetic and the community promotes emotional and sometimes physical self harm and I'm still recovering from that community)

Think any mental disorder is scary, bad, or inherently toxic. Take your "survivor of narcissistic abuse" ass and jump into a trashcan so you can ride it to the circus <3

If you're an ace exclusionist or mogai exclusionist or mspec lesbian/gay exclusionist etc.

You're a fan of Th0mas S@nders or the sides

You're a fan of hom3stuck or H@$bin H0t3l or danganronpa

Hetalia AOT/SNK or promare fans

Also fans of Steven Universe and She Ra are fine but if you like the diamonds or Hordaks redemption arcs/think they can be redeemed DNI bc that is major cringe actually.

Other important info

I tag the q word because it's an actual trigger to some people and wanting an identity tagged is not dehumanizing y'all just have trigger warnings stigmatized so much you think that triggers can only be bad things. I'm fine with people using the word as an identity but please don't use it for me (or anyone who hasn't said they're ok with it)

I'm anti cringe culture but by that I mean that bullying kids for drawing fursonas and being nombinary is shitty and not that nothing and no one should be criticized. I call media cringe or behaviors cringe sometimes but only if there's something actually wrong or bigoted about it.

I call myself an idiot/stupid a lot. This is not self depreciation and is the reclamation of ableist language. I take pride in being someone who is not academically put together and who falls very short of any intellectual standards. At the same time miss me with that IQ shit bc that's based in white supremacy.

I have trauma surrounding debate and debate culture that I don't want to explain but basically do not attempt to debate me. I will not do it and it stresses me out. Discuss things yes but debate no.

If you recognize my typing style and me and we're mutuals/friends on other blogs and I haven't told you about this one it doesn't mean I was hiding it from you and if I criticize something you enjoy that I've never criticized to you it's not a vague to you it's likely because my mental ill brain decided if I have opinions everyone will hate me so I made a blog for it.

Even in "bastard mode" on this blog I'm not like. Rude or mean. So if you ever wanna chat sometimes feel free to!

I'm falling asleep now bc I did this at 1am for some reason but ill add anything else if it's relevant later ig.

[garetthawke]

i REALLY don't like the backwards step we have taken towards self diagnosis, particularly towards things that aren't as difficult to diagnose. i keep seeing increased posts that are like "you can't tell if you have something without a doctor! it's a long and important process you must go through!"

honestly, fuck that, but i have multiple reasoms why that idea can fuck itself.

reason a) do you know how i got diagnosed with my depression and anxiety? i walked into the doctor, said "i think i have depression and i have anxiety attacks," she took me through a checklist, said "yes you have depression," and set me up with a therapist. within a week of seeing my therapist, she told me i had an axiety and panic disorder. i was on meds almost instantly.

they didn't see my attacks. they didn't witness any particular behavior from me. they took my observance of my own behavior and mental state, my opinion of what was going on with myself, and accepted it and moved on to treatment. that's self diagnosis. i just had the luck to have insurance at the time so i could doctor confirmation and treatment.

obviously not all things are that easy, but there are quite a few things that are that easy. and there is no reason to shun self diagnosis when it is an important part of the process, even professionally. it's what brought me to the doctor's office, because god knows just having symptoms with no idea of a cause didn't do shit, nobody noticed or cared and i was accused of being an unmanageable teenager who was acting out, even with visible self harm. i had to read about depression and anxiety, to align my symptoms with illness, before the idea of going to a doctor occured to me.

but that brings me to point b) : not everyone has access to medical care. i certainly don't have any now.

it's frankly a very, very privileged position to have to say "you have to go to a doctor" in our country right now.

the "danger" of self diagnosis is mostly a bunch of gatekeepy, and sometimes elitist/classist nonsense.

having an idea of what is wrong with you is literally the first step towards getting better.

if someone finds the advice for any particular illness/disorder helps them get better, frankly it doesn't matter if their self diagnosis is wrong. and if it doesn't help...well, I'd be surprised if people stuck with it.

self diagnosis is a crucial starting point for a lot of people who have no access to medical care.

the post that really triggered this was an adhd post, which really got under my skin because a) the "danger" of an adhd misdiagnosis would be going on meds you don't need, which you can't without a doctor anyway. which means if someone self diagnosed incorrectly, the worst they would be doing is....looking at advice for structuring their lives. and if that helps them? good, they can self diagnose all they want, it doesn't fucking matter.

i would rather non adhd people who incorrectly self diagnose get help from adhd advice than for people with adhd to never seek it out because they are under the illusion that they can't self diagnose and never look for ways to handle adhd.

because myself? i am self diagnosed. it took YEARS of living with symptoms that i never could explain, that completely upset my life and became ragingly unmanageable, for me to break down and start looking for ways to help myself.

some careful reading later, and i realized a LOT of my symptoms, even including my diagnosed depression and anxiety, fit underneath adhd. i checked off every damn box on adhd checklists.

what did i do? i started reading about ways to adjust my behavior and thinking to better help my symptoms, which all are adhd symptoms. and i got better. i got things in control and started managing my life better than i had since before i was a teenager.

i have 0 access to medical care. i haven't seen a doctor properly in 6 years, and i won't be able to unless something fundamentally changes with our government.

but my life has been made better because i decided i wanted to help myself get better rather than sitting completely helpless, day after day.

and self dianosis was the CRUCIAL starting point to that end, because simply treating random symptoms like my depression and anxiety (which are largely rsd fueled) without understanding the source was NOT helping me.

I'm not as good as i could be on meds. frankly, I'm barely functional; but I'm not falling apart like i was for literal years. I'm not at the place i was when i was forced to drop out of high school because it caused me to have panic attacks because i didn't realize that it was adhd and exec dysfunction that made it so hard to study and remember things, and that i wasn't just stupid and lazy.

i NEEDED to self diagnose to claw myself out of the pit of depression that threw me into. and i need a professional diagnosis too, yes, but we don't all have that fucking luxury.

get off your damn high horses. self dianosis is not something we can afford to be snooty about in this godforsaken, capitalist country.

it's not a flawless, purely harmless thing. there are drawbacks ti self diagnosis, obviously. but its still something I'm going to encourage wholeheartedly, because I've personally experienced the result of rejecting it, which is a lot worse than whatever bad thing can come of it.

stop telling people they HAVE to see a professional. it's necessary when possible, but it's not the only option. self diagnosis MUST remain a normalized, accepted option until the day everyone has equally accessible healthcare, full stop, the end.

insisting that the only way to approach mental illness and disorders is through professional help is a purely, 100% privileged take. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of seeing it on my dash. start checking your posts, and yourselves.

[askeverypurpleblood]

also i dont want to see posts abt him/hear abt him talking shit about me. if he cant talk to me personally abt how he TRIGGERED me and KNEW it was a trigger then that just proves he's an immensely shitty person. he can vent to as many people as he'd like but the truth of the situation is that he triggered me and then said he could because "its my server"

the original reason he left the server was because of his own *racism*. he complained about people having poc headcanons for the homestuck trolls and i told him it was a fucked up thing to say. before you say "thats far fetched" he *admitted* that it was incredibly racist

he then, as stated, deleted all the messages but i got them before he managed to. onto point #2. i was the one who made the no vaguing rule due to mine and many others triggers w it. i know a lot of people with RSD who get extremely upset over the idea of someone vague posting/venting abt them and shared this with casey because i *trusted* him. as a *friend*. and do you know what he did? he fucking vagued me. he triggered a long time admin of the shittyhsdaily server and friend. not only is was he a bad friend to me. he's a shitty server owner too. he had me implement rules, nsfw roles/divisions, deal with his personal member drama, do all the kicks and bans, educate people on tonetags, etc. he treated me as a fucking guinea pig when i genuinely loved the shittyhsdaily server and community. and now he breaks his *own* server rules. before you say "he's probably just a kid" yeah, i can confirm he is, however. he's the one who cracked down on the no triggering rule and how triggering someone results in an instant ban, because he himself was getting triggered. he *knows* how it feels and still made me panic for hours about whether or not he was vaguing me. i had to sit there wondering if my paranoia was about to ruin a friendship all because he couldn't admit his ableism towards me. i wanted to educate him on the racism part and how he could think of things a different way as he is a kid and even if you want to say "oh he's old enough" no one can truly know his situation and backstory. but seeing his true character after he disrespected me i dont think hes actually sorry. edit; he’s been misgendering me while people try to confront him about the situation. he knows I’m transfem and still does this

as someone who was his friend, fuck the shitty karkat daily mod.

coming off of break 2 say that the shittykarkatdaily mod is a huge piece of shit lmao

[kietamitai]

An extremely long vent and personal thoughts post

I have to title it because it is what it is. And honestly, I’m going to explain everything that’s been going on with my personal feelings, mental/emotional state, and current situation. 

I have somewhat vented/talked about this on twitter but making a long post on my blog seems to be much better. This is likely to be my last resort of anything. Nothing bad will happen but this is to tell you that I am currently not in a good mood.

All I ask is that if you read the post, just like the post. And maybe give it a few days before asking if I am alright. DO NOT REPLY TO THIS OR SEND ME A MESSAGE I BEG OF YOU (I am not saying it to be avoidant like I will end up sounding angry if you do).

Don’t read it if you’re not in the right mood to read it. It has some questionable bits but yeah.

OK so on the first and forefront of current situation cause it’s probably the shortest.

Personally speaking, nothing is happening at home, however, I am left with a vague sense of I have to do something because everyone in the family sees me as lazy and undisciplined.

I am worried that if I started to move, that everything is going to go pretty bad. This fear is completely normal on any standard, but the problem is that this feeling is immensely different from what people may think.

Since I had recently learned about people with ADHD having Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), everything I have experienced up until this point finally makes sense.

It is that fear of unwanted “rejection” and “negative response/feedback.”

Needless to say, some things have happened in the past that drastically shaped who I am today and my rather laid back personality, but this fear of failure came as a result. It can sometimes make me immobile.

When I get paranoid over whether or not I fuck something up, I LITERALLY FREAK OUT SOMETIMES OK?

But aside from this foreboding feeling about needing to do something (which will come in due time because I have a feeling that I’ll take that step out there sooner or later), here’s the more social part of the situation.

After what feels like I offended a friend and some what apologizing and owning up to my own reactions, I sorta ended getting slapped in the face with them implying that they don’t care. Like, I have a feeling that it’s not what they actually meant, but it’s also quite obvious that if I tried to ask for clarification, I will get yelled at for being stupid and I HATE THAT THE MOST CAUSE I GET THAT A LOT.

And this is just on the personal side of things— I dunno what their intentions or implications are. They just don’t seem to want to say that it is possibly their fault that it happened, even when I pointed it out that it is. And well, they seem to have misinterpreted the whole point of my message as well, but I just gave up on even trying to clarify myself any further cause I just woke up from a nap at the time and I almost didn’t even want to respond to that with the way they word it.

I’d rather not go into detail about that since it is an insanely minor thing, but with the way they sorta avoid me in general, it just feels like they’re scared of me or something. I’m not one to push on to make someone uncomfortable for answers so if they read this and recognize it’s them, good job I guess? 

I’m probably not on their radar anyways cause they got their own shit to worry about, so really, I’d only be surprised if they ended up reading this pile of mess and then going up to my IM/ask and be like, “You fuck ass are u talking shit about me?”

On that, it is only complicated feelings coming from me. I’m not here to shit on someone for their circumstances, but in the meantime, I’m avoiding them cause like I feel like if I start talking again, I WILL FUCK UP REALLY BADLY or even worse, THEY WILL FLAT OUT JUST IGNORE ME.

My answer will most likely not be positive with them specifically if questioned in such a rude way.

And RSD likes to make things worse on the social side of things even if I simply just want to check up on them and ask if they’re doing alright. Similar situations has happened before, and when that happens, trust me, that’s when I know a friendship isn’t meant to be. I am not distant because I don’t know how to get close to people.

It’s happened too many times. Really, even if it hurts, I have to stop caring and let it go.

But on that regard, after talking to some more people, I end up getting this feeling of... isolation. I had read somewhere that ADHD may make it so that it ends up feeling like I can’t connect to people.

It sorta reels in the whole experience.

It isn’t like I want their kind of friendship, but in any friendship, I can tell that I don’t get a lot of attention. It’s like seeing a friend connect to another friend better than you can connect to either of them. I’ve always been left alone a lot so honestly, it’s nothing new.

I don’t like it when people are too too clingy to me but when they’re insanely distant, it makes me feel like my existence is just around for them to waste time.

In most cases, I just end up asking for people to say hi to me or something and get no response. Well, I know everyone has lives to run, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling insanely bitter or even bad to the point where I feel like I’ve been annoying and trying too hard and people are just FED UP with my antics and choosing to ignore me. 

After a while, you get used to the feeling and you stop caring.

But in summary, if I had done a small mistake that warranted a negative response (or in a way I perceive it as negative) then I will remember that for a long time and my fear is that you’ll bring it up again cause by that time, you’ve already seen me in a different light and you’ll probably subconsciously remember it and maybe bring it up subtly where I’ll be like “o fuck did I fuck up again” and PARANOIA ENSUES.

Another summary is that I’ve been feeling like I’m lacking a sense of self again.

This isn’t an uncommon dilemma. I’ve never given it much thought as long as I can make it believable to an extent. I stopped caring because I’ve been disciplined a lot for smaller things and been compared.

Not to mention a big part of it happened when the grandma I live with decided to berate me one day. That was the day I felt like a stranger to my own family.

I’ve been living with constant less praise and more reprimanding. When people praise me, I am happy, but I am always left feeling that I am deceiving them.

People call me one thing but I dunno which am I. I have come to find out that it is who I am. I am probably like a chameleon lol

But really, I have a terrible sense of self and sometimes when I really think about it, I have no idea what really makes up me. I’ve been collecting and amassing different personalities and stuff like that.

Perhaps that knowledge is how I come to understand people fairly easily.

The more I try to find out more about myself, the more I end up losing a sense of who I am. The less I try, the more I end up feeling like nothing.

My feelings of being worthless isn’t because of any emotional reason, it is a fairly logical reason. I am simply not someone that resources should go to.

In fact, sometimes I wish I can suffer, but apparently, I can’t have that either. It takes too much time for me to just make myself suffer, it’s just easier to do nothing. I don’t even have the energy to make myself hated enough to want to be forgotten. 

From drifting between being worthless and having my mistakes rebound on me, making it more than enough for me to want to stab myself, to feeling just slightly better about my day, it has been kinda tough.

Sometimes it’s not that I want to think about it and sometimes it just happens as a thought. But sometimes, something triggers my thoughts.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and well I’ve started to notice that it’s making me less likely to do stuff I wanted to do or just to do anything at all.

I am for once getting in to a unstable state of mind.

It could be that I am drained from watching my other grandma for the past month and a half, or that I feel like I’m being RUSHED to do something people expect me to do.

I don’t know if what I’m thinking about doing is the right choice.

I’m not sure if I’m important to people anymore. I feel like an expendable. Do people even care about me enough to understand how I feel? Do people know me enough to tell me, they know me? Do people really know who I am?

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m joking about dying or not. It sometimes feels like it’d be better if I can somehow die and be forgotten.

None of these feelings are new, perhaps maybe thinking that death is a fiscally better and logical option might be something a little more new.

I don’t know any more at times. My feelings tend to fluctuate daily and I have days where I’m a little better off then most lol

It’s probably also this bad because jet lag and some stuff making me really anxious??

I dunno but since I was getting distracted, I have no idea what I wanted to type by the time I got to this point. But I’ll end off with something—

I’ve always felt pretty meh about life. Perhaps MAYBE due to ADHD, it may influence my own ability to stay emotionally attached/devoted for too long. It’s almost like feeling you’re both half full and half empty when I’m not feeling anything really. But I guess it was better than the me before I turned 20.

Perhaps that’s just me. I haven’t been feeling like... myself.

It’s a little hard to explain, but what else can I do than to wait it out?

I never experience a feeling for long anyways lol

My days have been feeling kinda dreadful and tiring. Idk if I can keep up with people in general anymore.

This is probably what I get for being who I am.

[llatimeria]

This is based on fuckall but my own experience so i have no idea how relatable this is, but I've figured out one key difference between insecurity and RSD; the timeframe and scale.

Insecurity is big and vague. It's wondering if people like you, or if you're good at the things you do, or if you're a smart person or whatever. It's a lot of questions, questions that aren't easy to answer internally. You can draw upon memories and experiences to make a point either way, but it's never enough to feel confident one way or the other.

RSD is often extremely clear, in a strange way. There is no wondering. There is no questioning. It is knowing, from the depths of your soul, that you did something horribly, awfully wrong. It is not questions, it is statements: "I fucked up this task." "I said something that hurt my friend." "I did something stupid."

It's often not even wrong. Usually my RSD is triggered by stuff that I did actually fuck up somehow, just not as badly as my brain wants to believe.

That's why it's so much harder to combat than insecurity. When you're insecure, you can talk to people and that can help; you talk to your friends and, if they aren't shitty friends, they'll remind you that they like you without them even having to say it. You can look at your own work and reflect on what a good job you did. Stuff like that.

RSD makes comforting and reassurance so much harder, because it feels so real. You can't ask someone to reassure you on this because that'd be like asking someone to comfort a murderer because they're sad they murdered someone. You feel like you actually fucked up at epic proportions and don't deserve help.

As others have mentioned, RSD is also ... super fucking intense. Intense really is the best wors to describe it; it really is just... powerful and all-encompassing. RSD has triggered some of the strongest emotions that I've ever felt, and you can't really think about anything else.

People in the other thread I reblogged describe it as getting stabbed in the guts; for me it's physical headaches, like I've been struck by a hammer to the skull. It's not a fleeting "yikes that was awkward" moment, it is a nonstop barrage of thoughts like "kill yourself, you fucking idiot. you'd be better off dead so you couldn't make these basic mistakes. You are the worst person alive. You did something wrong. You deserve to be flayed alive and gutted like a fish. Everyone is going to hate you and everyone who doesn't already is a moron."

And, of course, your brain tells you: this emotional torture, this nonstop lambasting, this feeling that twists your guts and makes your head throb, this intense negativity that makes you want to violently murder your own body... this is just what a normal personal assessment looks like. Everyone does this when they make mistakes (as if anyone else makes mistakes this bad!) and you're such a baby for not handling this. You're a monster for even considering you might be being too hard on yourself. If you aren't being this tough, you will never learn, and you will hurt more people. Remember! You did actually fuck up, this is how you make sure it never happens again.

So basically it's just a totally different ball park than insecurity.

"rsd is just insecurity!" is probably the newest dumbest take ive seen. insecurity is "im not sure if Im good at this thing/people like me/etc." and yeah it sucks and it happens to everyone. rsd is more like "i did this mildly awkward/annoying/stupid thing, therefore I don't deserve to live". its . a really different feeling than being insecure