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shreddedparchment · 4 years ago

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A Wife for Thor Pt.18

Annulment

03/06/2021

Pairing: King!Thor x Reader Word Count: 6,291

Warnings: angst, pregnancy, broken marriages, depression, abandonment, little bits of fluff, supportive Loki

A/N: After I finished the last chapter, I went right to work on this one because the mood was good and I’ve been wanting to get these chapters out since the very beginning. These are the moments that drive me to write fics. The point of contention when everything gets messy. I hope you enjoy it, thank you so much for your comments and reblogs. Since I posted this one so quickly after the one before I will be replying to the comments on this one instead of the one before. I hope you can forgive me! <3 Thanks for reblogging if you do, it seriously helps SO much. xoxo

If you were ever in question as to whether you had a fight or flight instinct when faced with stressful situations, you now know that your instinct is to freeze.

You’re immobilized by the terror that’s tearing through you. Nothing feels real at this moment when your whole world has suddenly come crashing down.

Only seconds have passed but you quickly push your meltdown as deep within you as you can.

One hand placed on your belly in an absentminded caress of the baby growing inside, you reach for the door to go in and tell Thor you’re pregnant. It doesn’t matter that Jane is pregnant too.

You’re his wife. This little one inside you is the heir to the New Asgardian throne. And yet, your mind starts to add up the time that Jane might have become pregnant and her baby would come first.

Her child would be heir, not yours. Legitimate or not. These days, that stands for nothing.

So, despite knowing that you’ll have to deal with Jane for the rest of your life as she is the mother of your husband’s first child, it’s really not all that bad.

He loves you.

Thor loves you.

While you process this sudden revelation, the conversation on the other side of the door continues not waiting for you to come to get a grip.

“Are you certain?”

“Do you doubt her?” Thor demands, sounding frustrated and stressed.

“Yes,” Loki says passionately, “I would doubt anyone that I have not seen in several months.

“What reason would she have to lie?” Thor begs, genuinely looking for an excuse that will make this untrue. “She has never wanted the responsibility of the throne. She has always spoken of having children as a distant possibility. Not an assurance. The last thing Jane would want is a baby.”

“When did you even have the opportunity to bed her? Did you secretly make her your mistress?”

“No!” Thor gasps, as if the idea of cheating on you is ridiculous. “No, I-it was the day I went to end things with her when Y/N accepted my proposal.”

“So, you slept with Jane and then came back home and bedded your new fiance on the same day?”

“I’m not proud of that fact,” Thor admits.

“Regardless, even if you did sleep with her, you need to have her examined, Thor. You cannot take her on her word, not with so much on the line.”

“Fine,” Thor agrees, “But I’m certain that she isn’t lying. She’s been tired and sluggish since she arrived, her appetite strange, and this past week she’s been sick at every meeting, unable to hold down any of her lunch.”

A deep sigh from Loki tells you he’s resigned to Thor’s judgement. Jane is pregnant.

“What will you do?” Loki asks.

The quiet tone of their voices more dire than the passionate denial Thor’s voice had been just a moment ago.

You should go in now. You’ll tell him that you don’t care that Jane is pregnant. You’ll support him and assure him that if he wants them to move into the palace or maybe one of the houses on the palace grounds, you won’t mind! In fact, it will be better so that your babies can grow together as true siblings.

“Y/N is not pregnant yet,” Thor says slowly, his voice calculating.

He’s thinking hard.

“What is your point, brother?” Loki demands, sounding defensive.

“If-” Thor breathes in deep, but when he speaks, the words tumble out sure and decided. “If I am to do right by Jane’s and my child, if I am to legitimize my heir, I’ll-”

He hesitates, your heart thrumming so fast and hard that you can hear it’s beat in your ears as your brain throbs.

“I’ll get an annulment. The basis of which will be that Y/N has been unable to provide me with an heir. I’ll get sworn statements from her doctors that our-our bodies are not compatible and since Jane is already pregnant-”

You take a step as if to run but freeze because you know you can’t do this. No. You can’t face this. Not here. Not this close to him and her and all of this stupid royal bullshit that you never asked for but got anyway.

As you fracture from the inside, you paint a calm smile on your face and while you pull it off, you can’t disguise the exhaustion that pokes through. You take several feet back from the door, giving yourself a good length of hallway to walk.

You straighten up, stand as tall as you can, and move towards the parted door, “Thor?”

There’s a rush of movement from inside as you reach the war room and you try to keep your hand from trembling as you reach down and pull the door open.

Inside, Loki stands ramrod straight, hands behind his back and his face carefully devoid of any kind of expression other than his normal neutral.

Thor turns away from his desk, forcing a smile for you until he sees your face and his own falls quickly.

You know he doesn’t think you overheard him because you’d given yourself plenty of distance so that he and Loki could stop talking before you were close enough to hear anything.

But he knows something is wrong and he moves towards you, right hand extended to take hold of your arm.

Trying not to make it obvious, you meander towards one of the tall wooden chairs by the war table and sit down before Thor can touch you.

“What is it, cherub? Are you ill?” Thor wonders, moving towards you.

Feigning interest in the small models of the outposts that the Warriors Three occupy across the planet, you get up and move away from him again as you lean down to look at the one in the United States.

“I’m-to be honest, I am feeling a little under the weather,” you nod, sighing as you give him a quick pained smile.

You clear your throat, hoping that it sounds like you’ve got a tickle.

“I’ll send for the doctor,” Thor moves towards the cord by the door but you stand up straight quickly and shake your head.

“No, Thor, don’t. I think maybe I just need some rest?” you nod, smiling at him again but it still just looks painful. “I came to ask you if it would be okay for me to go stay at my house for a little while? Maybe a week or so? Just so that I can get some proper sleep and-and maybe find out if it’s really me getting sick or I’m just stressed out about this park project?”

“I thought the park was almost done?” Loki checks.

“And it is,” you nod at him. “But we’ve had so much trouble with the import of several of the plants that I’d wanted to have in the wildflower corner of the park and the fountains are still giving us trouble so, I-I just need a few days to get away from it.”

You turn back to Thor who isn’t looking at you anymore but has his hand pressed to his mouth as he loses himself in thought.

As you watch him contemplate and weigh his options, wondering if he should seize this very convenient opportunity you’ve intentionally given him to make up his mind on what to do about Jane and her baby, you very nearly break.

Your lip quivers and in your desire to hide it, you move back towards the door and feign a quick peek out as if looking for someone.

“Thor?” you prod, getting a hold of yourself and turn to fix him with your expectant gaze. “Is that okay? Can I take a few days to just rest up?”

He snaps out of his thoughts and his face softens. You see the Thor who’d just had you perched on his lap, arm around your waist.

“Of course, cherub, if you need some time then you should take it.”

The sadness that fills you is urged on by the knowledge that before Jane’s pregnancy was revealed, Thor would have insisted he come with you.

There is no way that he would have let you go off on your own.

As he moves towards you, this time you make sure not to budge as he places his hands gently on your arms.

He cups the left side of your face, stroking your cheek with his large thumb before he makes to lean in towards you.

Instead of pulling away or making it look too obvious, you press your face in against his chest and he strokes your back as you successfully juke his kiss.

“No, don’t kiss me. I-I threw up and I haven’t brushed my teeth,” you pretend to fuss.

“You know I don’t care, cherub,” Thor nudges you back a little.

“Well, I do.”

You shake your head at him, delving deep into your soul to scrounge up whatever pieces of it you can find and give him a small pout instead.

“Alright,” Thor gives in, but he still leans down and presses his lips to your cheek and then your forehead before you’re pulling away from him to edge towards the door.

“I should go if I want to catch the next flight out,” you tell him.

“Y/N,” he calls and you stop by the door to look back at him, wishing he’d just let you go so that you can fall apart alone and away from all the eyes of the palace.

Thor clenches his hand into a tight fist, gently tapping it against the war table as you wait.

“I love you.”

You blink, give him a quick forced smile, and sigh because despite the heartache you’re drowning in, “I love you too, Thor. So much.”

As you walk away, you know that nothing will ever be the same. In a week’s time, you might not even be Queen anymore. Wouldn’t that be something?

~~~~~~~~~~

You’re given a bodyguard. Well, more like a friend who can kick serious ass. Hilde was happy to volunteer.

“Something’s up,” she observes as she escorts you into the airport gate.

Normally you’d have set up for a private plane, or Thor would have.

But he has other things on his mind.

“What do you mean?” you ask her, clearing your throat again for the fifth time since you left the palace in order to uphold the pretense of feeling sick.

“Your face is all wrong, you’re not saying something.”

“I have nothing to hide, Hilde. I’m just tired. I feel weak and beaten. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. Like I’ll crack if I’m not careful enough to hold myself together.”

All of this is true. You do feel like you’re about to crumble to pieces. Nothing you just said is a lie. You’re not hiding anything, just waiting. In a week’s time, you’ll know where you stand. And then you can tell Hilde everything.

“How long have you felt this way?” Hilde wonders, real concern painting her tone.

“Not long,” you tell her. “It just started today, actually. About two hours ago?”

“There’s something more,” she refuses to believe that you’re only sick. “It’s like you’re running from something.”

“What would I be running from, Hilde? My luxurious and comfortable life? My loving husband? My sweet and loyal people? My life is perfect. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

“I have a family. The only thing I’ve ever wanted. Why would I run from that? Unless of course, I’m being kicked out?”

Hilde fixes you with a look of complete confusion.

As you hand over your ticket to the man at the gate, you force a smile on your friend.

“If I were being kicked out, I’d run before they could get the chance to give me the boot. Then at least it was my choice and not someone forcing me to go away.”

“Why would anyone kick you out? It’s not possible, Your Majesty. You are Queen of New Asgard. Or did you forget?”

“I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever forget my time as Queen. I think I’ll remember it until the day I die.”

Hilde takes your arm, turning you to face her with subtle force, “Oi, what aren’t you telling me?”

You swallow hard, pushing your sorrow down until you can ignore it a little better.

“I’m-I’m not hiding anything, seriously. I’m just tired, Hilde. Being Queen is harder than I ever thought it could be and even though I love being married to Thor, the stresses of doing my job as Queen have reached a point where it’s boiling over.

“I just need a break...from everyone, Hilde. Even you.”

“What did I do?!” she demands, offended.

“Nothing. You’ve been one of the good parts of being Queen, but I just need a little break from Asgard as a whole. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years alone with no one to rely on me but me.

“I just need to be alone for a bit. One week. That’s all I want. So...I know that Thor won’t be happy about it but now that you’ve seen me onto the plane-”

“I am not leaving you alone,” Hilde frowns, almost angry at you for even asking.

“David is meeting me when the plane lands and then driving me home himself. I’ll be fine being alone for just the flight,” it’s a plea as much as it is a reassurance. “Please, Hilde. Please? Please?”

The higher your pitch gets, the more she breaks, turning sympathetic.

“Please, Hilde? Please?”

She growls and rolls her eyes, holding out your carryon bag--a large brown duffel bag stuffed with clothes--so that you can take it.

“Thor is going to be pissed at me,” she grumbles. “And it’s all your fault.”

You take your bag, hang it on your shoulder, and quickly pull her in to kiss her cheek.

“Thank you, Hilde. I’ll text you as soon as I land. I promise.”

“You’d better, or I’ll come find you and stick at your side like paste.”

A stewardess comes out to peek down at you and you hurry off before Hilde can change her mind.

In no time at all, you’re in your seat, the plane up and the air, and New Asgard--Thor and his annulment of your marriage--is fading fast behind you.

When you land, no one is there to meet you.

A necessary lie. You'll have to call David in the morning and let him know what's happening. He's your lawyer and if Thor goes through with his plan, you'll need to be legally ready.

You're hit with a stab of hurt that your previously loving marriage has taken such a shift.

Still, you feel bad for lying to Hilde, but when you’d said you needed your alone time, you’d meant it.

You rent a car with your own money, ignoring the shiny black credit card that Thor had given you during your honeymoon shopping trip. The last thing you need is them tracing your movements when you just want to be left alone.

The drive home is lengthy but the peace it brings you is welcome.

Four hours of no one but yourself, the music on your radio, and endless grassy hills and small town charms streaking past your windows like long lost friends.

After an hour of driving you stop at a roadside diner. You buy a bag full of fries, smear them in lines of ketchup, grab a lemonade to go, and text Hilde that you’re with David and on your way home.

After another hour, you stop again. This time at a decently sized convenience store, newly built. It's a truck stop really and you take the chance to use the bathroom then loiter by your car as you tap the screen of your phone with your thumb, waking it up over and over again. Unable to make up your mind.

Your wallpaper taunts you. A picture of you sitting between Thor’s legs on your massive bed, his arms wrapped around you as your left hand is placed to his cheek as he kisses yours, your other arm extended as you take the picture.

It’s difficult to find the courage to unlock your phone, scroll through your contacts, and press the little phone to dial Thor.

He doesn’t pick up right away.

Sadly your marriage already feels like a past life. It feels dead. Like a good dream you’ve woken up from and you just know if you try and go back to sleep to keep it going, it’ll only turn into a nightmare.

The phone rings and rings. It goes to voicemail.

It hurts. So much more than you expected it to hurt and your tears overflow leaving salty trails along your cheeks as you hiccup and try not to sob out loud.

You lean and cry against your car for the longest two minutes of your life before your phone is ringing and vibrating in your hand.

It’s Thor, and for a second, you consider not answering. You consider disappearing. Just fading into the wilderness. Abandoning your car right here. Never making it to your little house. It's so tempting in the moment to give up your throne, which will soon be taken away from you, and start your life again.

How long would they look for you? Would they eventually assume you're dead?

Still, you know that Dr. Wilson and Dr. Alric would spill the beans and if Thor knew...

You press your free hand to your stomach and know that you can’t just vanish. This life will follow you wherever you go and as painful as it is, you’re not sorry for the baby you’ve made.

You swallow your sobbing and with all of the other things you’re not allowed to feel right now or you’ll give yourself away, bury it deep down inside.

Gliding your finger across the screen, you answer the phone and press it to your ear.

“My love,” Thor gasps, sounding stressed or tired? Labored breathing.

Your mind goes to dark places and you chase away the nasty images your mind thinks up before you can let them hurt you more.

How can he still call me that?!

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer. Forgive me. I'd left my phone on my desk and I had my hands full of books.”

Your mouth won’t open. It won’t speak.

You realize all of a sudden that you don’t want to talk to Thor. You’re so angry at him. You’re hurt and betrayed and everything he’s ever told you is a lie.

“Y/N?” he sounds so confused.

“I’m here,” you manage.

“How are you feeling, cherub?”

Stop calling me that!

“I’m not great,” you sigh, sagging against the car. “I just wanted to call you to tell you that I’m with David and we’re on our way to my house. We stopped at the store to go to the bathroom, so I thought I’d call you.”

“Wait, David? Why is David with you? Where is Brunnhilde?” Thor asks, his heavy breathing still loud.

“I asked her to stay behind,” you explain. “Look, Thor I don’t really feel well enough for talking. I just didn’t want you to worry. I promised I’d call.”

“Why would she let you go alone?” Thor demands, shouting into whatever room he’s in. “Loki! Where is Brunnhilde? Get her up here!”

“I have to go, Thor. David’s waiting. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Wait. Don’t hang up yet, cherub. Do you have a doctor to see you close to home?” Thor frets, and you can’t stand it.

“I’m coming, David!” you pretend to call, the convenience store clerk currently throwing the trash looks at you then turns his head back and forth as if searching for who you might be talking to. “Bye, Thor.”

“No, wait, love. Don’t hang-”

His voice is cut off and yet his deep tone still rings in your ears as if he were standing right beside you.

Your heart cries out for him. You wish he was there with you but then your brain reminds you that your time with Thor is already over.

The clerk is still looking at you and you give him a quick shake of your head.

“Sorry,” you start. “Bad breakup.”

He nods sympathetically as you get back in your care then gives you a wave as you drive off, setting back off into the night.

You’re not driving twenty minutes before your phone dings. A text.

Then again. And again. And again. Too many texts come through and you can’t stand it.

You reach over and completely shut it off.

~~~~~~~~~~

It’s midnight when you finally get up from bed.

There’s no escaping Thor even here in your own home. Your honeymoon memories are everywhere here.

The bed. The shower. The closet--Thor was eager one morning. The kitchen. The backyard. Every room has a memory. Not all of them sex, but all of them just as poignant and meaningful.

Or so you’d thought.

You wander down the hall to your kitchen, flipping the switch as you enter and make a beeline for the vintage fridge.

“Shit-” you sigh, not even opening it as you remember that there will be no food until you go shopping for some.

You take a peek, just to confirm, and all that's inside is a half empty jar of pickles on the door.

Irritated, you move towards the pantry and grab the first box of cereal you see, pop it open and plunge your hand inside.

You scoop a bit into your mouth but just as you begin to crunch, your mouth falters at the sight of Loki sitting on one of your island stools where he clearly wasn't before, a gentle smile to compliment the knowing sharpness in his eyes.

“You heard us, didn’t you?”

You try not to react to his question, because it’s not a question. Just confirmation of what he clearly already guessed.

“You’re not really here, are you?” You finish chewing, taking more cereal into your mouth after you swallow.

You’re starving. You should have bought some burgers at that diner to reheat and eat tonight and tomorrow.

“No,” Loki confirms. “I'm...checking in. Thor doesn’t know. He’s pretty oblivious, actually. Other things on his mind.”

“Like pregnant ex-girlfriends whose baby will have a stronger claim over the Asgardian throne than mine?”

There’s a bitterness in your voice but you don’t feel sorry for it. You’re not going to hide how hurt you are.

Loki’s face finally breaks as he realizes what you mean. He gives you a small startled blink before he’s got control of his expression again.

“Don’t tell him, Loki.”

“He deserves to know.”

“Does he?” you demand, voice rising in your anger. “And I don’t deserve to know about Jane being pregnant?”

“He would have told you,” Loki assures you.

“When?” You demand, eyes stinging. “When he needed my signature on the annulment papers?”

“He’s not decided on anything yet.”

“Oh, my god! As if that even fucking matters!” you get up, throwing the box of cereal into the garbage.

They’re stale.

“The point is he thinks it’s a good idea. I married him. I thought he welcomed me into his family. I thought I belonged with him, and you and Hilde and Heimdall, but I’m just some fucking guest after all, aren’t I?”

“You’re overreacting,” Loki chastises you.

You pick up a nearby mug and chuck it at him. It goes through him and breaks against the wall behind him.

“Don’t tell me that I’m overreacting when my husband is thinking about legally erasing all traces of our marriage!

"I trusted him," you reach up and jab at your own chest somewhat painfully.

"I thought what we had was worth keeping and protecting. I was already making plans to move Jane and her baby into the palace so that our kids could grow up together, as a family but he doesn’t want that.

“He doesn’t want me in his life if he’s already got another heir lined up so why should I tell him? If he doesn’t want me without this baby then he has no right wanting me with it!”

Loki lets you shout, he lets you break down. He doesn’t judge you for it either, but he reads into it. Too much, and you hate him for it.

You don't want to be reasonable. This doesn't feel like the time for reason. You're shattered.

“He loves you, Y/N. His choice is made-”

“For the child, yes. I get that. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. And maybe I shouldn’t be angry for him doing right by his baby when I’m carrying one of my own, but I am angry. It hurts to know that in moments he was able to make the choice to end our marriage.

“He’s my husband and I am his wife. Does that seriously mean nothing?”

Loki shakes his head, “I’ve already told you that he hasn’t decided anything, yet.”

“You don’t get it, and I don’t know that you can understand what even considering the option of annulment means for us as a couple.”

Loki sighs, “I want you to listen to me very clearly, Y/N. I say this with as much love as a brother can feel for his sister. You need to understand and you need to accept that you and Thor are not a normal couple. Thor is, first and foremost, a king.

“He is beholden to his people and he needs to ensure our position on this planet because we don’t have a home anymore. We are refugees and this is our home now. It is Thor’s job to protect that on behalf of all of us by any means necessary. Choices like these are the reason that my brother resisted the throne for so long.

“As a King, all of the love in the world cannot keep him from making the choices that will benefit our people, even if the choice should hurt him in the process.”

You’re shaking with tears as Loki speaks, shaking your head as you press your hand against your tummy. Your thoughts are full of the baby growing within you and the helpless feeling that presses down on you.

“That’s why this baby changes things, Y/N. You must tell him that you’re pregnant if you are going to keep him for yourself. If you want your marriage to survive this, you can’t keep this from him.”

Shaking your head, you turn away from him to fill a small glass with water and take a small drink.

Yes, you need to tell Thor that you’re pregnant. As wounded as your pride is, you can’t keep him in the dark forever.

“My Queen?” Loki urges you, calling you by your title probably to remind you that like Thor, you have obligations even if you don’t like or want them.

“Fine,” you sigh. “I’ll tell him, but not yet. Just give me this week, Loki. Please.”

When you turn to look at him again, he’s softer with his gaze.

“You’re going to let him suffer for his idea of the annulment,” he guesses.

“No,” you shake your head. “This isn’t for Thor. This is for me. Just because I understand the reason he thought of an annulment doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt anymore.

“If I saw him right now, I couldn’t even talk to him, Loki. He might have betrayed me for good reasons, but he’s still betrayed me. He still accepted, even for a few moments, that giving me up was the best thing he could do.

“And maybe it’s because he’s the-the first person that I’ve ever loved, and maybe I’m still looking at our very arranged marriage with some girl’s view of romance but I can’t separate his duty from my hurt and I-I don’t know that I can ever forgive him.”

"I suppose that's fair," Loki sighs. “I won’t say anything, I promise. But I’m going to make sure that he’s here on Friday. From there, it’s your duty as mother to a future prince or princess of Asgard to tell Thor about your pregnancy.”

You move to sit next to him, giving the bits and pieces of the mug you’d thrown at him a look as you settle.

“I’m sorry I threw a cup at your head.".

Loki smirks, “Would you believe me when I tell you that it’s happened before?”

You almost smile, “Yes. I believe it.”

Loki chuckles but you can't return the sentiment. For you, the world is still ending.

“Can you do me a favor, sister?” Loki asks, his term of endearment warms you a little.

Even if Thor found it easily to cast you off, you’re happy that Loki sees you so permanently a part of his family.

“Something tells me I’m not going to be happy about it, but sure.”

“Turn on your phone,” he glances at the phone sitting at the center of the island only inches away from you where you’d left it to avoid temptation. “Thor won’t shut up about how you’re not replying. If you really want to cherish some time alone, it would be better if you answered him. If he’s worried, he can get here within the hour. I don't suppose you want that."

"No," you shudder..

"Oh, and make sure you use your black card. He’ll be checking to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself.”

You roll your eyes, the rift between you and Thor already so big you can’t see a way to fix it.

“This contradiction of Thor loving me so much he’s worried to death and his ability to decide on annulling our marriage is hard to swallow. What’s he going to do when we’re not married anymore and I’m living here and he’s married to Jane?”

“That will never happen, Y/N seeing as you’re going to tell him that you’re pregnant and he won’t go through with an annulment.” Loki insists.

“What if he does?” you wonder. “Jane’s baby was conceived first. They’ll be heir to the throne. Not mine. What if Thor decides that an annulment is still the best course of action?”

“Then I think I’ll have to reconsider my pledge to serve him as my King. But he won’t go through with it, I promise you. Trust me. I know him. Thor is too soft hearted to hurt you like that.”

“He already hurt me, Loki. It’s just the finality of a follow through that I’m waiting for.”

“You’re so eager to be abandoned,” Loki observes, frustrated with you.

“It just feels like I already have been. I’m sorry if that bothers you, but I can’t help how I feel. Haven’t you ever thought you belonged somewhere only to find out that you’re not as accepted as you thought?”

Loki thinks for a moment, his silence heavy with memory, “I have.”

“And how long did it take you to get over it?”

Loki grins, meeting your eyes with a bit of resignation.

“A long time,” he admits.

“And mine just happened today. You expect me to be over it already? Get bent, Loki.”

Loki chuckles.

“You have a point. I’m sorry, I’ve been looking at this through the lens of being my brother’s advisor. I’ll try and do better.”

His promise is genuine and it makes you feel better that you have at least one person on your side.

“Thank you, Loki,” you sigh. “I know this isn’t an easy spot for you to be in, between me and Thor. I appreciate you coming to check on me.”

“It’s my pleasure. Thor might not have noticed the way you refused to touch him when you left today but I was instantly sure that you’d heard everything. Does it bother you that he slept with her and you on the same day?”

“Not as much as I thought it would,” you admit. “Even without him explicitly saying it, I knew that he’d been with her. I knew that it was likely that he’d slept with her. They were in love. Maybe him more than her, but they didn’t break up because they wanted to. They broke up because he needed to get married and Jane wasn’t ready to do that.

“If Thor had made more of an attempt to delay our wedding, maybe Jane would have come to him sooner with her news and Thor and I would never have gotten married. I wouldn’t be pregnant, and this would all be much less messy.”

“I’m glad he didn’t wait. I’d rather have you as a sister than Jane. She’s nice but you’re much better suited to be Queen.”

“Until my King pisses me off and I run off for a week,” you tease.

“This is an exceptional situation,” Loki nods. “I don’t think if anyone else were in your shoes, they would be any less hurt than you by the news of Jane’s baby. If she is pregnant.”

You look at him, interest piqued.

“You said something like that before, that Jane should get tested to make sure she’s pregnant. What makes you think she might not be?”

“Nothing in particular. She might be. I just really don’t want her to be. I like you for Thor, Y/N. As far as I’m concerned, you’re Asgardian now.”

“I wish Thor thought like you do.”

“He does think it, Y/N. He’s just thrown off balance right now. Give him a little time and tell him about your child. His child, and it will clear up his mind. His judgement is compromised by the fact that he has an heir from the woman he once loved and the woman he now loves has had no luck in conceiving one. Or so he thinks.”

“I already told you that I’ll tell him, Loki. I just want some time.” you sigh.

“I know. We’re talking in circles. I’ll go, let you get some rest.”

You turn to watch him, slowly he begins to dissolve into slow moving golden swirls mixed with a tinge of green.

“Oh, and check your fridge again. I’ve left you a present.”

Just as quickly as he’d shown up, he’s gone.

With a heavy heart you remember the favor he asked of you and turn on your phone.

Twenty texts chime in and you quickly scroll through them.

They’re all from Thor, save for two from Hilde.

Hilde: Thanks. Be careful.

Hilde: Snitch!

All of Thor’s are variations of the same message.

Thor: Please reply, cherub.

Thor: Are you asleep?

Thor: I’m sorry if I’m waking you up.

Thor: Are you home yet?

Thor: Are you safe?

It isn’t until the last few messages that his frenzy of worry seems to change. More resigned to your lack of response. Probably believing that you are actually asleep.

Thor: I miss you already, cherub. I can’t tell you how strange it is to lay in our bed without you.

Thor: I don’t think there’s been a night since we married aside from my visit to the outposts that I have not had your perfect body pressed to mine.

Thor: My heart aches without you.

Thor: My body craves in your absence.

Thor: My soul is empty. You are my very essence now, my sweet cherub.

Thor: I hope you’re not very ill. I could not stand to lose you.

You sob, reading his texts through paints a drastic contrast between his deep voice crying for annulment and the loving, doting, sweet husband who sent you these messages.

His text voice is also so different from the way he talks. You can hear the way he might have talked to you if he hadn’t spent so much time with the Avengers and other humans here on Earth. Jane probably heard him speak like this out loud when they first met.

She’d been his first contact with this planet.

Wiping at your tears, you clutch the phone to your chest for a moment before focusing your blurry eyes on the screen again to keep reading.

Thor: I’ve never known how essential you are to my life until this moment. I need you at my side. I am most certain of it now.

Thor: I would give my life for you. I will keep you close from now on. I don’t know if I can last a week without you, my love. Don’t hate me if I come to you tomorrow.

Thor: Loki has just told me that he’s come to see that you’ve settled into your home safely. I really need him to teach me that trick. He says you need rest and that you already have a doctor coming by in the morning.

Thor: Please tell me what they say once they’ve seen you.

Thor: Loki keeps yelling at me to let you sleep.

Thor: Goodnight, cherub. I love you. More than my life.

Thor: Please text me in the morning.

Thor: It’s Loki. I’ve taken his phone. I’ll make sure he leaves you alone for the full week. Thank you for turning your phone on.

Y/N: I’m fine, Thor. Just very tired.

And because it’s true and if you don’t say it, he’ll get suspicious:

Y/N: I love you, too.

You sniffle and lock your phone.

“Jerk,” you grieve, and move to the fridge.

Opening it again, you’re surprised to find it fully stocked this time with all of your favorite foods and treats.

Loki is seriously the best brother-in-law in the universe.

#king!thor x reader #thor x reader #royal au #arranged marriage au #a wife for thor #king!thor x reader fic #king!thor x reader fanfic #king!thor x reader fanfiction #king!thor x you #thor x reader fanfiction #thor x reader fanfic #thor x reader fic #thor x you #marvel au #marvel fanfiction #a wife for thor pt18 #loki #loki laufeyson

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jspark3000 · 4 years ago

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Tumblr saved my life. Tumblr nearly killed me.

I’ve been on Tumblr since 2010. The people of Tumblr have saved my life multiple times. No kidding. In the worst of my depression, this place was a safe haven and a gentle stream of encouragement.

A lot has changed. I’ve continued to meet wonderful people, but it seems I kept meeting worse individuals too. Worse. And worse. My inbox became increasingly deranged, some who destroyed my mental health. One, in fact, brought me close to the edge of suicide for months. If you’re reading this: you know who you are.

Tumblr in the last few years no longer feels as safe as it was. In fact, on its worst days it’s as bad as *shudders* Facebook.

I don’t mean that it was a simple disagreement. That’s fine. I don’t mean healthy debate or snarky banter. Those are good. I mean racial slurs, threats, long reblogs with carefully articulated bigotry, abusive dynamics, gaslighting (not the way everyone keeps misusing this word—“You said a mean thing, that’s gaslighting”—but I mean really crazy-making reality-bending pathology), and cult-like manipulation. Gone is the humility, safety, and encouragement, except for the rare few. Compassion here is mostly now the exception.

I’m not entirely sure what happened. The election? Polarization? Backlash against people of color? Anger that my faith has evolved? More insular echo chambers? Easier to hide our faces here? Am I just that easy to beat up online? Or maybe you just stopped liking me altogether. I can live with that. But a compassionate space replaced by cruelty? That’s not something I was ready for.

I’ve changed too. I’ve worked at the hospital now for six years. I’ve seen so much suffering. I’ve seen hundreds, if not thousands of people die, sometimes in the worst way possible. I lost my faith once and got it back, and it came back different than before. I am more cynical than I was. I am also more hopeful than I was. I’ve seen the worst of people. The best of people. Times when God seemed absolutely absent. Other times I was sure God was breathing in my lungs.

But one thing I know: I am 100% for the wounded, hurting, and grieving. No question. I am 100% against anyone and anything that would take away from those who have already lost so much. And in the eyes of some, I guess this makes me “soft.” Weak. A liberal. A Marxist. Unrealistic. Emotional. Hysterical. Or just a “feminine f___ng ch*nk.” Working now at the hospital has apparently made me too soft for a place like Tumblr.

No, I don’t think I’m better than this place. Maybe Tumblr never got worse (though I think it did). Maybe seeing so much death turned me into a bunch of nerve endings. I did go soft. And when you see death as much as I do, you realize there are so few places in the world that are safe for grief. Tumblr has little idea what to do with it. It can make grief either fashionable or laughable. Trendy or trigger material. But not tangible. Not divine. Not human. Grief even fits on Instagram. Not here. Not when you can reblog someone and gif them and say “lol.”

The online space is weird. It’s real life and it isn’t. Many times it felt real for me. I know, I shouldn’t take it seriously. But the compassion was real. And unfortunately, the hurt was real too.

These days I post a lot less. But even in the little that I post, it is clear this community is not safe. I never thought I’d ever say that Instagram and Twitter, of all places, are safer than here. But they are. Tumblr, for me, has become a tantrum competition. A speed race for snark. Not the fun kind of snark. Snark that isn’t very clever, but aggressively filled with incel/Reddit/4chan rage. No dialogue. Just dirt.

I will probably keep posting here. And answering my inbox sometimes. And replying with snark of my own. But what this all once was: it will never be again. Not a safe life-giving community. Just a place where I can put my posts. An old storage room that used to be home.

I have a daughter now. She is beginning to crawl. She can almost say “dad” (she probably isn’t, but it sounds just like it, and it makes my heart stop). I always think about the sorts of places she will find life. Or places that will take life from her. Most places do some of both. I hope she finds a place that gives more life than it takes. But some people choose to stay in a hard place because they want to change things from the inside. Maybe she’ll have the strength that I didn’t. She can make change from the inside. She can be the type of person to bring life to a place that has the potential to be good.

I saw Tumblr like that once. Even for years. But I guess I’m too old, too tired, too worn down for that sort of thing now. I have aged out of this place. This place grew past me. I gave it what I could. And I’m glad I did. I’m grateful for Tumblr. It was a place that made me alive. Do I sound dramatic? I guess dramatic is exactly what I loved about this place. I could be myself here. Once I could do that. Others cheered me on. I cheered them on. I loved to see a land of voices vibrant and free. That time is gone. I will always cherish that time. Thank you for all that it meant. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you, if nothing else, than for memories.

— J.S.

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aspenflower17 · 4 years ago

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Finding You (Part Six of ??)

Heya! I finished part six (yay!) and it is ready to be read �� It’s weird to me I’m on part six already seeing as how that seems like a lot, but also not enough. If you’re new here, the link to Part One is below. I also have links at the bottom of each chapter to go to the next one. You can also find my new Master List on my blog as a pinned post. As always, if you would like to be added to the tags list, just ask in a comment down below, or you can send me a message, and likes, comments and reblogs are always welcome!

Also, for anyone wondering, IKEA was fun (as always), but the store actually reached max capacity.. 1,400 people... During a pandemic... The line was so long, it reached the back of the self-serve furniture area (the place where you can pick up all the heavy/big items), and was starting to wrap around. Note, our IKEA has the switchback thing that amusement parks have for rides... So the line was easily hour wait. Suffice to say, we didn’t end up buying anything.

Part One

The Peeps!: @simpingforsatan @naimena @hachimochi @wrathandgreed @magi-minminxiii @rensphilia

Word Count: 2030

Triggers/warnings: claustrophobia?... Maybe...?

I had my show in the Devildom. It was successful. He didn’t show up though.

Mc sighed, putting her journal down. As much as she hated to admit it, she was too upset to make much more of an entry for the day. It had been her first show in the Devildom, and it had been a huge success. She should be happy. No other show had ever been as successful. She wanted to be happy. She wasn’t though.

Mc got up to open her suitcase. She had made a secret compartment to carry the letter S had written to her. It had given her a lot of strength over the years and she almost considered it a good luck charm at this point. She reread the letter, laying down on the bed, though she knew it by heart at this point.

She knew she was probably projecting too much on S. Besides the letter, she had only spoken with him maybe half an hour. Why was she so caught up on him? She didn’t even know his real name. Yes, he had greatly impacted her life and his letter and words of comfort had been a constant companion, but what did she actually know about him?

A sharp rap at her door interrupted her search, “Mc? Can I come in?”

“Yeah.”

Luke entered her room, carrying a tray of tea.

“I figured you could use some tea after the day you’ve had.”

“Oh, thank you,” Mc smiled softly as Luke brought over a chair.

“Still upset?” Luke asked, pouring a cup for Mc.

“Hmmm?”

“Ever since the show you’ve seemed unhappy. Kind of depressed, like when you were a child.”

“Ah, well, I was a bit upset that my artist talk was interrupted so abruptly.”

“That turned out alright though, didn’t it?”

“Yeah. It’s just not the same,” Mc shrugged, taking the proffered tea.

“So, that’s seriously what’s bothering you?” Luke asked, his eyebrow arched, then, “You’ll have plenty more shows down here if Diavolo had anything to say about it.”

“You think so?”

Luke smiled and shook his head at Mc, “Of course, silly. Barbatos told me all about it when I was getting the tea.”

“Well, I’m glad. I like it here, even though most of my time so far has been spent in that gallery space.”

“Well, I don’t know how much Michael likes it down here. I kept telling him he needs to ask Diavolo about Lucifer, but he says it’d be improper.”

Mc snorted, “Well, we wouldn’t want to be improper now would we?”

“He’ll be so surprised when he finds out what Diavolo’s planning for next week.”

“Hmmm?”

“I can’t tell you about it yet. It’s not set in stone, so I don’t want to get your hopes up.”

“Luuuuke! Where are you?” Michael’s voice came drifting from down the stairs, “I can’t figure out how to turn on the light in here!”

Luke rubbed his temple, “I’ve explained it like three times… Hold on! I’ll be down in a second!” Luke kissed Mc on the cheek, “Get some sleep and cheer up Sis.”

“Thanks Luke,” Mc smiled up at him, “I do have the best big brother don’t I?”

Luke grinned happily, “Good night Mc.”

After he left, Mc’s smile faltered and then fell. Her thoughts returning to before he had come in, “I should probably find something to do to break me out of this. Sulking in my room isn’t going to get me anywhere. I do have a whole castle to explore, though I don’t know how much of it I’m allowed to explore… Surely they couldn’t get too mad about me checking out the library…” and with that, she put her letter back in it’s secret place and left her room.

The castle was quiet, the padding of her feet the only sound. I guess even demons sleep. Her knowledge of demons seemed woefully inadequate as opposed to the knowledge she had about anything else that interested her. There just hadn’t been much information to find in the Celestial Realm unless it was how to defeat a demon, or to break the influence they had over a human. Of course she’d also heard the stories about the Great Celestial War. Six angels, led by the Morningstar himself, had gone on a rampage, and had been cast out. Being a scholar, Mc had never found a reason why they had rebelled, though she had read a lot of theories, most of them mere speculation that cast angels in the purest light possible. These, of course, she hadn’t listened to too intent;y. She knew angels had a lot of secrets already, being privy to many of them; they weren’t entirely innocent in many respects. She suspected this was true of this instance as well.

The library proved to be hard to find in one night, but by the time Mc felt sleep start to pull her back to her room, she had the layout of the castle halls almost memorized. She had actually found it easy to do, easier than almost every other place she’d been in. Of course, she didn’t know everything about the castle. If this castle didn’t prove to have a lot of secret doors and passageways, she would be sorely disappointed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

The fog was so thick Mc felt like she could chew it. The ground beneath her feet was soft, but it didn’t feel like anything she knew. There was no sound, not even her breathing. Just a murky white everywhere. Mc couldn’t remember how she got here or what she was doing here, but she was searching. No time to think. No time to remember. She needed to find it. She had lost it. It hadn’t been on purpose, but it had happened. She would find it though. Surely she could find it. It was the most important thing. Cherished. Loved. So important.

The world was growing colder. Her hands were stinging and her feet were clumsy. She could still feel though. So cold. Too cold to move, yet she did. Nothing should be working right now. She should’ve collapsed long ago. How long ago? How long had she been here? Did it matter?

She hadn’t found the thing yet. What was it? If she found it, she’d be warm. It would keep her warm and safe. No more searching. She would never lose it again. She just needed to find it.

A dim light started to pulse slowly. Was that it? Was that what she had lost? No. Maybe it could help her find it. The light got brighter as she continued forward. What was it? Light was good though, right? Light was a marker. Light could help the lost. It illuminated. It could help her find it.

The light was now right in front of her. It was so bright! Almost blindingly so. The area around her started to heat up, her feet and hands throbbing with relief. Was this it? What she had been searching for? Something within her screamed to turn around, but the heat was so welcome, even if it hurt. Hurt worse than anything she knew. She would be safe here. If she had to keep searching, so be it. She just needed to rest a bit. She reached out to the light, her hand backlit against the light. She grabbed at the light, and was then falling.

Mc gasped, sitting up straight in bed. Where was the light? Where was she? After a couple moments, Mc remembered where she was. On a bed. In a guest room. In Lord Diavolo’s castle. In the Devildom.

Mc reached for the glass on the bedside table with shaking hands. Spilling a little on her blankets, she tried to shake off the claustrophobic feeling that lingered. She hadn’t had a dream about her first memory in a while. After she had become an angel she had learned about what happened to human souls after they passed. Some found their way straight to the Celestial Realm, blinking and waking up to the eternal light. Some were wanderers though. While many wandered just a little while, some wandered endlessly through the fog she had experienced. Though the angels didn’t know exactly what caused this, many of those who wandered a long time before finding their way to the Celestial Realm were sad in some way, as she was.

She had gone home that day and asked Simeon about it, and he had told her she had wandered the longest of any soul in the Celestial Realm. She had been very cold and it had taken a while for her to wake up. She had been a little horrified, and Simeon assured her it was nothing to be concerned or ashamed about. It was simply a fact and no one held it against her, least of all Luke or him. She had wanted to believe him so bad, but everyone treated her lasting loneliness as a bad thing, so she had been forced to hide it. Pretend she didn’t feel lonely. Pretend she was fine.

She fumbled for something to distract herself and found her DDD. She worked for a second and finally turned it on, the light actually hurting her eyes. They adjusted quickly though and she groaned as she saw it was nowhere near time to get up. The thought of falling asleep again was not an option so she decided to start scrolling though Devilgram. Apparently the app was rather old as far as in-vogue apps went, but Lord Diavolo had said he would never use a different social media app, so it persisted as the number one app. She still wasn’t really used to the layout, Luke having helped her set up her artist’s talk.

She went to the post and found a lot of comments and likes. She started reading them, smiling as people praised the ingenuity of her work, frowning slightly at those who were impressed “an angel could have such an eye for art”, and rolling her eyes at the comments that criticized her species, clearly just upset she was an angel.

As she continued reading however, she ran across a couple comments asking if anyone had more information about the demons who had caused quite the uproar during the artists talk. Confused, because everyone had been very respectful at the center, Mc opened the replies, and found a whole thread of people who were upset they had been pushed and otherwise knocked out of the way of one demon who had been running through the maze following another demon who had been flying. Many speculated they were the reason the artists' talk had been cut short, and some theorized they were running to the center to harm her. A couple people tried to cut through the noise, stating the demons in question were Mammon and Satan, both Avatars of Sin. Most of the comments about this said Mammon acting this way seemed normal, but they couldn’t understand why Satan would do something like that. It seemed so out of character, a lot of the replies to these comments said they were either liars or sorely mistaken thinking it was Satan.

Mc’s heart jolted a little bit, seeing Mammon’s name. She recognized it as one of the angels who had fallen, and the name Satan had been mentioned in some history accounts as having taken form from Lucifer’s anger, though the information on him had been scarce and some thought he was just a myth. After all, how could someone be born from an emotion?

So, he’s real after all. Not that I thought he wasn’t, or at least, I figured there was at least some truth to the stories. Oh, someone has a picture of them. Wait… Is that?

At that moment, the app shut down.

“No, no, no, no,” Mc said, clicking the app again. It couldn’t have been… Could it? Her screen changed, but nothing loaded. An error message then popped up on screen, saying the app could not load, and to try again later.

Mc sat stunned for a second before springing into action.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part Seven

#obey me!#OBEY ME #obey me! swd #obey me satan #obey me mc #obey me michael #obey me diavolo #obey me luke

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noisyquokka · 4 years ago

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So, I haven't been active on here for most of 2020, mostly due to the way life has changed, so this may be a weird post to be coming back with.

I don't think I reblogged anything Unus Annus related at all (maybe one or 2 posts?) But today was the end of the channel. If you were as invested in it as I was, you felt pretty emotional. As the timer kept counting down the hours, I grew more and more anxious. Funny enough, the few days leading up to the channels demise I felt as if I had come to terms with it being deleted? But as the last hour of their live stream came closer, I genuinely felt nauseous. There was so much chaotic content that came from that channel, Mark and Ethan really gave us one hoot of a year! And everyone involved in the editing, filming, and just all the blood, sweat, and tears that went into that project... it all made it so much better!

I'm sure everyone has said it already, but 2020 would've been so much worse if we hadn't had Unus Annus to take us away from the seriousness of it all. For me, it gave me a distraction from my fears of the virus. It gave me 365 days of laughs and memes. It gave me at least a weeks worth of tears cause holy shit that last week, I couldn't handle the wholesomeness! But most of all, it inspired the absolute hell out of me!

This entire year, I actually focused on one thing and committed to it. I committed to my spiritual journey and found inner peace in some aspects of myself. I (also) finally decided to shave my head after months of debating it! Actually seeing Ethan do it was what helped me make that choice and it was so freeing to me since I hadn't ever gone that short before. Maybe I'm rambling on but my point is, looking back on how shitty this year could've been? It could've been much MUCH worse! Sitting down last night and watching that stream made me realize just how much I had accomplished this year even though I originally thought I did fuck all! I really owe that to Unus Annus. Maybe that sounds dumb, but as someone who suffers from depression, I know for a fact that 2020 would've gone so very different without that inspiration from them. I've watched Mark and Ethan for years now and they, as well as so many other creators, have brought me joy and laughter in my darkest moments.

So thank you to every single soul who was a part of Unus Annus! I'm so glad to have been a part of the 4 million who witnessed dedication and chaos for the past year. And while I'm sad to see it go, I'll cherish the memories (aaand the 2,400 writing prompts) I've got from it! I hope those of us who watched the channel can move on happily and find something new to commit to as well! If Unus Annus has taught us anything, it's to not waste the precious time we have left here on this beautiful Earth!

Momento Mori, good friends.

Unus Annus

#in other news my birthday video was them ranking kinks...#ya know I can't say I was upset about that lmao #there was just sooo much confusion #momento mori #unus annus

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ryuukia · 5 years ago

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[Translation] SolidS Drama Vol.6 “Dear brother” Track 1

I was supposed to post this last week, but things happened (even in quarantine I end up being busy). Finally, here’s the first track from SolidS’ 6th drama CD. Many thanks to Ryota and Chrome for helping me proof this.

Please don’t repost/retranslate/reuse my translations. Likes and reblogs are appreciated.

If you like my work and you want to support me, you can now buy me a coffee by clicking right [here]. I also started taking commissions, more details are right [here]. Thank you~

Track 1: Showing up unannounced

Dai: I’m back.

Rikka: Welcome back. Good job with the running.

Dai: You say that, but you went running with me, remember?

Rikka: I was just congratulating the both of us, you know?

Dai: Really? Yourself included? That’s fine, then.

Rikka: Eh? What do you mean by that?

Dai: You sort of forget to congratulate yourself for things you did. It’s pretty important, you know? Since you kinda have low self-esteem.

Rikka: You're pretty sharp sometimes, aren't you, Dai?

Dai: ‘Sometimes’ is an exaggeration. Anyway, it’s time to start the cool-down stretching.

Rikka: Okay. I do plan on being more congratulatory of my efforts, you know? Otherwise, it’d be so rude for the people who believe in me.

Dai: Sounds like a plan.

Rikka: If I ever say something bad about myself, feel free to scold me, Dai.

Dai: I think you’ll notice it and reflect on it on your own before I’m able to do that.

Rikka: Uhm… I guess you might be right.

Dai: Well, if that happens, I’ll make sure to bring you a cup of coffee.

Rikka: Really? I’m glad. In case I get depressed, that’ll help motivate me~

Dai: You’re pretty simple.

Rikka: That’s just how much I enjoy it. You’ve gotten pretty good at making coffee, you know? I always look forward to sharing some with you.

Dai: That’s thanks to Shiki who helped me out back when I had a job involving coffee. Also, I think it’s time for Tsubasa to wake up.

Rikka: I’d say it’s still early. Tsubasa said he doesn’t have any jobs planned for today either.

Dai: He mentioned something about his thesis. Plus, he’s had a lot of TV appearances, so his days and nights aren’t free. It’s looking pretty bad lately.

Rikka: I see. That sounds like a tough time. Now I see why you suddenly stopped by the bakery.

Dai: Not really. That shop is well-known for having tasty products and since it was close by, I took up the chance.

Rikka: Sure, sure. Took up the chance, huh. Then I have to get to work and prepare Tsubasa a delicious breakfast to show him my support.

Dai: Why are you laughing?

Rikka: Dai really cares for his Nii-chan, huh~

Dai: I don’t.

Rikka: Sure, sure.

Dai: Stop it with your ‘sure, sure’. Hey, Rikka!

Rikka: Eh? There’s nobody here.

Dai: Can’t be helped. I’ll wake Tsubasa up.

Rikka: Okay, please do. In the meanwhile, I’ll prepare the breakfas-

Dai: -yelps-

Rikka: What? Did something happen?

Dai: Shiki… you scared me. What are you doing here?

Shiki: … Dai? … Morning.

Dai: Good morning. My bad, I didn’t think you’d be there and stepped on your foot.

Rikka: Did you fall asleep on the floor, by any chance? That’s not good, Shiki. What if you catch a cold?

Shiki: I wasn’t sleeping…

Rikka: Then why were you on the floor?

Shiki: I can’t do it…

Rikka: You can’t do what?

Shiki: The song.

Dai: What, a song?

Shiki: I don’t have even one idea for this song. I can’t think of anything.

Tsubasa: Oh~! Delicious! This bread is hella tasty!

Rikka: Help yourself with more.

Tsubasa: Yahoo! So, the great composer Takamura Shiki can’t write a song?

Dai: Seems so.

Tsubasa: Seriously, if this keeps up, Darling’s going to embarrass himself in front of Fumi-chan.

Shiki: Sigh.

Tsubasa: Eh? What was that? Shiki, did something happen?

Shiki: Sigh.

Tsubasa: Eh? Wait, wait. C’mon, don’t you have to tell me anything? Let’s hear you say honey, or honey, or honey?

Shiki: -mumbling- It won’t work like this. I need more… impact or something. And shalala's, maybe...?

Tsubasa: Hey?? ...Shiki? Earth to Shiki?

Shiki: I’m here. Maybe a key change halfway to the hook... No, not that.

Tsubasa: He looks like he’s listening to me, but he’s really not!!

Dai: But don’t you think his spacing out is sort of different from usual…? Doesn’t this look pretty serious?

Rikka: It does. Sure, Shiki is always busy, but not because his workload is packed.

Tsubasa: Now that you mention it, you’re right. It’s not unusual for him to be overwhelmed and feel sick because of the deadlines of the jobs he takes on, but...

Dai: I think it’s my first time hearing him say “I can’t write.”

Rikka: Speaking of which, it did happen once in the past. I got a call from him in the middle of the night saying “Just say something, anything works.”

Tsubasa: What’s with that vague request?

Rikka: I’d have rather taken “I need you to give me some ideas.” over that.

Tsubasa: Why are you so troubled about this now, huh? Hey, Shiki?

Shiki: Hm? What?

Tsubasa: Don’t give me that. Tell us in detail where and how you got stuck. Don’t try to take this all on by yourself.

Shiki: Sigh.

Tsubasa: Stop it with those sighs, your happiness is going to escape! If you don’t have any inspiration, then we can think of something together.

Rikka: Ah, that’s a good idea. Shu told me once that he used QUELL’s opinions to write songs before.

Tsubasa: Exactly! Kinda like that!

Dai: Eh? I guess coming up with songs that way is fine once in a while.

Shiki: If this were a SolidS song, it would have been indeed fine…

Dai: What kind of song are you working on right now?

Shiki: A collaboration CM song for a girls idol group.

Tsubasa: Oohh, you. Meant. That. kind. of . song. Geez… If you’re in a slump, make a SolidS song instead!

Shiki: Sorry…

-Shiki gets up-

Tsubasa: No, uhm, ... you don’t need to apologize like that...

Shiki: -gets on the sofa- Mmmmmmmmgh.

Tsubasa: Tche? Don’t be so down, man! Also, a grown-up man curling up into a ball while hugging a cushion is not cute at all!

Dai: Isn’t this kind of looking really bad though? If you back out at the last minute, it’ll mean trouble for many people involved.

Rikka: You’re right. It would be nice if he can get over it quickly, but… If it’s so bad that he’s getting sick over it, maybe quitting now would be better.

Tsubasa: Alright! Let’s talk with Fumi-chan first. Let’s go talk to him as soon as we can.

-Tsubasa calls Haiduki-

Tsubasa: Ah, hello, Fumi-chan? Morning. You see, there’s something I want to talk abo-... Eh? If I’m done checking the interviews? Gh, this is bad. I’ll check them later… for now I have some classes! Sorry. Er, so that aside, there’s something important I have to talk to you about… Eeh? You’re wrong, I’m not lying! I’m not! I’ll really work on them! Please, listen to me!

Dai: I should have called him instead.

Rikka: -laughs awkwardly-

Haiduki: Alright… This is looking bad, huh. Who’d have thought that Shiki would be in a slump this far into the job. Just when the deal with the railway company has progressed smoothly, too. Good grief. We have one trouble after another. Well, I guess that’s why they say management work is interesting, huh. Oh?

Keito: Let’s see… I wonder if this is the place… But the entrance is…

Haiduki: Hello, excuse me. I can offer you my help if it’s something related to this area. What seems to be the problem?

Keito: Thank you very much. I’ve been looking for this address and I think it might be this building, but it’s my first time here so I’m a bit worried I might have gotten it wrong.

Haiduki: Hm? Ah, may I ask you where you got this from?

Keito: It’s my older brother’s current address.

Haiduki: Brother?

Keito: Are you by any chance a Tsukipro employee? My name is Takamura Keito. That’s right, the business card…

Haiduki: By Takamura you mean…

Keito: I’m Takamura Shiki’s actual brother. Here’s my business card.

Haiduki: Ah, thank you very much for showing me.

Keito: And here’s a photo from when my brother returned home two years ago. And also this one, I’m next to him in the photo.

Haiduki: Shiki seems to be sleeping.

Keito: My brother barely comes back home, but when he does, he ends up sleeping like a log most of the time.

Haiduki: What’s that on top of him?

Keito: It’s our cat, Sasuke. He’s about 20 years old, but considering how old he looks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gained some sort of mystical powers at one point. He seems to like sleeping on my brother’s waist when he’s asleep.

Haiduki: -mumbling- I’ll be getting these pictures later...

Keito: Eh?

Haiduki: Nothing, I apologize. Thank you for the support. I’m Shiki’s…I mean SolidS’ and your brother’s manager. My name is Haiduki Fumihiko.

Keito: My brother’s manager? I apologize. I suppose seeing me wander around raised suspicions. I heard from my brother that the security is strict because the dorm is exclusively for talents, but this is my first time coming to one.

Haiduki: Not at all, I should be the one apologizing.

Keito: Don’t mention it. I know I should have announced my arrival beforehand, but I happened to come here due to a sudden trip.

Haiduki: I see. Business related?

Keito: Yes. I thought that I would come and catch up with him since it’s been a while, but he hasn’t been answering the phone since yesterday even though we’ve been in contact days before. Excuse me, is my brother at the dorms today?

#tsukipro #solids #drama cd #solids drama cd 6 #audio #english translation #dear brother #takamura shiki #takamura keito #okui tsubasa #sera rikka #murase dai #haiduki fumihiko #eguchi takuya #nakajima yoshiki #souma saito #hanae natsuki #umehara yuuichirou #track 1

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messedupessy · 5 years ago

Photo

HERE THEY ARE AT LAST, MY UNDERLUST BROS AKA VELVET AND BIN YEEHAAW (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ❤

Ahhh I finally finished them holy shit kefjkjffwfjk this took a bit longer than I expected but also at the same time went really, really fast xD So yeah, once again I have ended up making my own take on an au so hard that it like barely even resembles the original, because that’s the way I roll!

And ya all got @insanelyadd to frikking blame because they are the cause for me suddenly getting ideas for this, like I been kind of wanting to try doing my own take on it for awhile because I got no self control but still, Goaty has been nothing but an enabling little sheit ever since this began last week so go send them some love ok UwU ❤

Anyway to the bros a quick little rundown on their personalities, and then a short summary on my take on the au, will post a longer summary with way more details later but going to put it up on ao3 so ya all can more easily read it etc, and will put it in a reblog of this post later when I do.

I also want to mention that similarly like I did with MessedUpTale, so have I tried to keep like allot of original UT personalities etc in my takes on these boys and the rest of the characters in UL, while still making them their own people, but yeah here goes gonna put both the summary and the personalities under a cut bc this post is way too long already

Also suggest ya all open the two ref pics in a different tab so to be able to read what things says properly etc, and also don’t tag this as ship bc this aien’t no shipping here even tho I know this be UL but I don’t ship it so don’t tag it as such thank u UwU ❤

And warning for very suggestive content etc below, and there might also be some triggering stuff maybe so watch urself ye

Ok so here are them personalities ye:

UL Pap aka Velvet:

He is very vain, pretty attention whorish he really, really wants attention and to be popular, which he is since he has gotten pretty famous for making naughty vids on the net with the energy of a youtube let’s player, but yet he is pretty insecure if people like him for him or just like him appearance wise and what he do in them vids, he loves what he do but he still got them insecurities.

Don’t like the fact that his pupils are different sizes, and he is very keen to please like he is a very big people pleaser while still been confident he is a bit split, as he is confident but yet such a people pleaser who worries if he acts properly like himself he won’t be liked etc.

He is a switch but with a more dom side, but since he is so eager to please so does he not mind at all to take a more subbier role when doing the do.

UL Snas aka Bin:

A total gremlin, but in the good way, really chill and relaxed, a total prankster and jokester who pretty much never take or do anything seriously, will constantly try to con people for fun for like kisses/hugs and naughtier stuff just to see how far they will let him go with it. He is not depressed and is actually pretty happy overall, only thing in his life he got a little bit problem with is the fact literally no one, except his bro, takes him seriously, which is kind of his own fault but what can he do.

Is a total pillow princess who prefers to do absolutely nothing, so during boning as long as he don’t really have to do anything he’s game.

Now for the short au summary:

Hundreds of years ago there was a country of wizards, who came up with this great idea of making literal living sex dolls which were called monsters because why the fuck not.

Then shit happened because the people in the country the birth rate began to go down af because everyone just wanted to bang monsters instead of fellow humans, and some humans wanted to give them all proper rights etc since technically monsters were alive etc, tension grew until it just frikking exploded as one wizard did the impossible and made two monsters been able to reproduce which wasn’t supposed to be able to even happen.

So civil war broke out, the resistance for pro monsters were allot smaller and losing af so they sent the still living monsters to a far off island where they locked them up to keep them safe using a magic machine which hides them from humanity. This was not meant to be temporary but since the whole country then went and got razed to the ground af by another country and got completely destroyed so are the monsters now stuck on the island.

3000 years then passes with the monsters making a life on the island where they be evolving and becoming more sentient and actual people and not just dolls, but something strange happens one day where two humans ends up shipwrecked on the island, something that should be impossible etc.

And that’s the quick and short af sunmary of it, keep an eye out for the longer one ye

#undertale #underlust #MessedUpEssy #underlust papyrus #underlust sans #underlöst #Essy's Art #Essy's Undertale Art #Essy's Undertale Headcanons #long post #now to just finish the long and proper summary #it mostly just need some proper clean up and stuff #so it will be up tomorrow prolly bc right now i am too tired #and got other things i wanna do #bc i showered and got hit by a bunch of ideas for another thing pft #but yeah enjoy my two new boys #as if i needed more of them grkjegnjekgjek #Essy OC Refs

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anakinthetrashking · 4 years ago

Note

Ok, so you reblogged my post about bnha fic recs and I also looked through the ones you linked and I LOVED THEM. If its alright to ask, would you happen to have more Protective Aizawa or possibly Dadmic or Protective Present Mic? Also Protective Midnight or Momnight? Only if you have! Thanks! -bnhastanning

I somehow stupidly lost my reply to this ask, not once, but TWICE. at the end, when i was almost done. im so sorry but this will be the crappiest version yet... (also! hello, fellow batfam fan... *spiderman pointing meme*)

I read a lot of fic and i loooooove sharing them with people, so thanks for giving me an excuse to do this!! :D

lots of fics, so im putting them under the read more! One of these days I’ll get around to making more organized fic rec posts...

Dadmic: only a couple, and tbh i think they have more dadzawa in them?? Secondary Colors by NaoNazo

"You got pushed down the stairs... and you're apologizing for it," he stated blandly. "That seems counterintuitive." "Um... sorry?" Izuku whispered. He was starting to shake a little, adrenaline flooding his veins and leaving him cold. He had no idea what Purple was going for with his blunt statements and the hand reaching toward his shoulder as if to steady him, but apologizing was generally safe. "You don't have to apologize, dude. I don't know your name, but I doubt it's actually Deku." "Um. Midoriya." Izuku peered sideways at Purple as they rounded the corner. "Izuku Midoriya. Deku is just, um, just what my... friends call me." He winced. "Sounds real friendly."

and Cat Days by Griffinrose

Izuku has a shapeshifting quirk. He's not the best at controlling it, especially under stress. So when tragedy strikes and he gets lost in the city, he's stuck as a cat. At least he found a nice underground hero to take him in?

Pied Piper by Blackholeca has some really great concerned Dadmic in recent chapters!!

If they wouldn’t give him a chance then the solution seemed simple, he’d give himself one. He’d force the world to see him, force them to recognize his hard work. He wasn’t missing a quirk, it was simply that everyone else had been given an advantage. He wasn’t broken, or useless, or incapable, and he’d prove it by outrunning all of them, he who was quirkless, he who had started in last.

As for momnight, there are also only a couple, and im also not caught up with these either. i have a little bit more of an excuse with these, as Indefinite by OwlF45 is really REALLY long, as well as intense. Worth the read though! I just gotta catch up! So much mindblowing stuff in that, and the Momnight is really sweet.

It comes with the package deal of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Midoriya gets another chance at life, but he must throw it away when that dreaded day comes. After all, a life for nineteen is more than a fair trade.

Or: the world will rise or fall, and it depends on one boy protecting Class 1-A to prevent the inevitable.

The other Momnight one I have is A Single Reason by TheDeepSeaWitch. Also really good, but really intense and I’ve had to take a break because I was getting a bit depressed, whoops. But I liked it!

Training begins the next day, and doesn’t stop for any reason. They wait for heroes, then for police, then for anyone to save them, but nobody comes.

It’s only a month before Izuku forgets their names. It’s a year before he forgets his own.

It’s only a chance meeting with an impassioned soul eight long, painful years later that saves them.

---------------------------------

They thought they were lost forever, that there was no future out there for them with their scars so visible and the blood on their hands still pungent and red. But if they have the strength to try, then perhaps, one day, they may yet find their forgiveness, and rediscover themselves along the way.

The Reforming Villains AU nobody asked for.

For Dadzawa:

Flare Signal by achievingelsium, of course! Annie writes some of my absolute fav dadzawa content, so definitely check it out!!

AU. Midoriya Izuku shouldn't be surprised he ended up like this: hiding the secret of One for All from his own father, the notorious villain Dragon. The path to being a hero is a hard one.

Or; Izuku is an aspiring hero forced to work for his father’s villain organization. Then he runs into All Might.

Izuku Ya’broker by Dreamillusions, is a fic i loved a LOT.

Perhaps you should actually listen to the news every once in a while, so you wouldn't end up in these kinds of situations. What kinds of situations? Glad you asked. Look at Izuku, for example. You would think Izuku would be at home after school, safe and sound from anyone attempting to, you know, kill him. But no, Izuku decided to roam around. Because of a bet. This is the kind of a situation you shouldn't end up in. Don't be Izuku.

Butterfly by aconstantstateofbladerunner, is rightfully popular! It has some horror/suspense themes though, so if thats not your style, try one of Blade’s other fics!! She’s a seriously good writer.

The first over-night trip off campus since the training camp was supposed to be a fun break from more intense work back home. But between a bleak introduction to chaos theory, a chilly reception from the locals, and the looming threat of a villain attack, Izuku has too much on his mind to properly enjoy the fresh air. But those worries are a light breeze compared to the hurricane that accompanies what he finds on the outskirts of town.

Or rather, what finds him.

A House Divided Against Itself by BeyondTheClouds777, another one of my fav fics by a great writer!

"Become a villain," they said.

“I’ll be a villain,” he said.

He lied. He’s only there so he can tear apart the League of Villains from the inside out.

The scars we carry by Banana_Ink is a great AU with plenty of Dadzawa

Aizawa rescued Izuku from the league of villains and takes care of the child for now. Izuku has two quirks in this AU, one natural - Forced Quirk Activation - and one that AFO 'gifted' him with - Self-Heal. He has a pretty big handprint-scar on his face and started as a problem child, scared and wary of people. But Aizawa managed to help him slowly heal.

This AU is just some silly little thing I came up in my freetime and like to add to it as I go, so I don't have a plan at all. Mostly I write for fun so I hope you might enjoy this as well :D

Ticked Off by Xenolis is a fic that I just want to rec all the time,,, for some reason...

~ ON HIATUS/OCCASIONAL UPDATES ~ Midoriya Izuku attracted trouble. It was just a fact of life – the sky was blue, the grass was green, and Izuku constantly found himself in an absurd number of deadly situations. He was okay with that. Mortal peril was an average Tuesday afternoon for a Pro Hero like him. Being kidnapped was practically a holiday. Saving civilians as a building collapsed around him was easier than facing his worried mum afterwards. He had dealt with All Might's disappointed dad stare and only cried for two hours afterwards. A serial killing villain with an unknown Quirk would be no problem! ..but even Izuku had to admit that being sent back in time to his first day at UA wasn't on the agenda. Still, there was no-one more spitefully determined than him – he was going to make the most of it. Yeah, good luck, heroes and villains alike! Deku was here to cause mischief and love his friends!

Toward A Bright Future by LazyRainDancer holds a special, soft place in my heart. I always want to go reread it after watching the show and I always want to rewatch the show after reading it. it never ends

You wake up at UA, the highest ranked hero school in the country, with no recollection of how you got there. Unfortunately, those aren't the only memories you're missing. Still, you can't let a little amnesia get in the way of you warning the school about the attack you know will happen during Class 1-A's field trip to the USJ. After you deliver your warning, you're beyond shocked when the principal offers you a position as a TA for Class 1-A. You accept the position in hopes that you'll be able to use your Quirk to help protect the students. It'll be far from easy, but you're determined to do whatever it takes to change the students' future for the better.

The rest don’t really have Dadzawa? But theyre really good so I had to rec them anyway

once forgotten, twice removed by blueh, good writer for multiple fandoms

“Yes,” All for One agreed. “This will be the final resting place of All Might.” “You,” Midoriya Izuku said and paused, thinking over the words. He sounded taken aback. “You want me to help fight All Might.” “Of course,” All for One nodded along. “I can offer you double of whatever my counterpart is paying you currently, along with anything your little heart could desire. Of course, you would get to help out drastically—" “Did you happen to check what world you were pulling me out of when you did this?” Midoriya Izuku interrupted and it was said in such an incredulous tone that had the situation not been as critical as it was, All Might would have laughed. Also known as: number one hero Deku has been through a lot of things, but being thrust into an alternate reality where he’s All for One’s Successor is a first. He has to navigate this world when his alternate self is a villain dead-set on killing him and all of this version of class 1-A. All the while, his friends search desperately for a way to get him back.

Office Space by Caelismylife quirkless izuku gets a job at UA analyzing quirks, HECK YES

It took a little time, but he eventually found himself with a job at UA. The revolving door of heroes was not in the contract.

To Repair with Gold by TitleUnwanted FEEEEELS

AU. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, biggest lie in the world. Tattoos, which appeared when quirks did, are when a person feels an impact on something they are told and it becomes inked on their body, the closer they show to your heart the deeper the impact it has on the person.

For Izuku this is a blessing and a curse.

An Accident at Workstudy by Galactic_Jax been enjoying this one!

Izuku is working hard to prove himself at his work study, but it's hard when Sir Nighteye has made it clear he's not wanted. But what happens when Izuku is caught in a villain attack on his way to the agency? Will a few revelations about his most recent intern's past be enough for Sir Nighteye to change his mind about All Might's successor?

Nice to Meet You? by Allwalkfree didn’t know i needed this until i read it

Kirishima introduces Bakugou to his favorite senpai. In which over several encounters Bakugou and Amajiki learn to become tentative friends.

A Study in Firsts by Oceanbreeze7 dorm shenanigans AND feels

There’s a first time for everything. The first time everyone crammed in Momo’s room to study, a mess of limbs and books on her bed. The first time Mina burned crepes so badly the smoke alarm went off. The first time a jumpscare got Sero so badly, he flipped off the back of the couch. The first time Uraraka fell asleep at the table and accidentally sent it floating. The first time someone realized Todoroki walked far too quietly, and far too cautiously around the dorms to be normal. The first time Midoriya broke his toe on a door frame and kept walking through it. The first time Kirishima woke up screaming through the walls. The first time Tsuyu blanched at the sight of a needle. The first time Bakugo dropped, clutching the back of his neck with eyes scarily vacant and detonating everything around him until Aizawa had to intervene. It wasn’t always pretty, but the dorms were filled with firsts.

Hero Class Civil Warfare by Roguedruid extremely satisfying to read

Heroes lead by Bakugo. Villains lead by Midoriya. Seven days prep time. Three days for Izuku Midoriya to show why they should be glad he's not a real villain.

A Fleeting Smile by AnonymousTwit good bakugou content

Or a collection of fifteen Bakusquad one shots where someone outside of the Bakusquad catches a rare glimpse of a friendlier side of Bakugou Katsuki, and one time that is specifically reserved for the four people that he hates the least.

Hope this gives you something to work with!!! I have more(and am always adding) in my bookmarks on AO3, but this should be a good start! Hopefully you’ll find at least one that you love! have a great day!!!! -Ani <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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always-and-forever-a-killjoy · 4 years ago

Text

Hey fuckers! So I can’t let the all the smiles verse rest, so I ended up writing another four thousand words about the aftermath. This is basically a bunch of found family shit with a little bit of angst regarding Cherri being Not Okay. This one you actually probably should read the first three fics to understand. (You can find them here, here, and here, there’s also the last thing i see here, but that’s not essential to understanding this. And mind the warnings!) Also shoutout to @wishiwasthemoon-tonight for encouraging me to post this.

Title: at the end of the world

Wordcount: 3861

Summary:

Cherri Cola is back from the dead, but that doesn't mean everything is solved right away. Not to mention that, unsurprisingly, there are some important conversations you need to have after you went to rescue your brother from the dead.

(Direct follow-up to if i died we'd be together.).

Warnings: Some pretty frank discussions of suicide and some implied past self harm.

Taglist: @wishiwasthemoon-tonight @sleevesareforlosers @stressed-depressed-emo-mess @tasteofamnesia @dagger-queen (message me, send an ask, or reblog/reply to one of my posts if you want to be added or removed)

AO3 Link

(Actual fic under the cut)

There was no time for the serious conversations that one needed to have when one had quested into the realm of the dead for their brother the next day, or the one after. Newsie didn’t sleep for a week like they’d threatened too, but they did sleep in until about noon the following day, leaving the afternoon for more catching up and a little bit more ‘you scared the hell out of us never do that again’ to which Cherri dryly said that he would attempt not to die, but death was an inevitability for anyone who wasn’t some sort of storybook immortal. (That earned him a lot of shit for being so depressing.)

And the day after that, there wasn’t time for important conversations either, since that morning they woke up to three teenagers bursting through the door with a collective “Hi, Doctor D!” and a lot of drama between the three of them. Well, mostly the first one. D explained that these three were the Terrific Trio, a group of young killjoys who Pony had run into and helped out while Cherri and Newsie were off in the Phoenix Witch’s domain. They had already made themselves a fixture of the radio station, dropping by every so often to annoy the radio crew, and they were scouting for a permanent home in the area. Newsie thought they seemed rather chaotic.

After that, there were announcements to make on the radio (“Turns out our favorite radio poet didn’t get himself ghosted after all and NewsAGoGo is to thank for that, not to mention that they’re back with a vengeance.”) a poetry corner to get up and running again, and more people to tell (“So, sorry I vanished for a month, Hot Chimp.”)

And finally, almost a full week after Cherri and Newsie’s return, there was time to sit down and talk about what had happened in the unreality and before then.

“Why do you think there was an oak tree in Death Valley?” That was how Newsie started the conversation, flopping down next to Cherri on the old and rather saggy sofa of the radio shack.

Cherri shrugged. “Witch magic? Everything there seemed just not quite right, even to me as a spirit.”

“Well why would the Witch do that?” Newsie didn’t wait for his answer before asking more questions. “What was it like as a spirit, by the way?”

He frowned, tilting his head thoughtfully. “It was odd. Very odd. The Witch kept me next to her for a while- I don’t think I could fully move on because she didn’t have my mask. So I ended up in that weird borderland for a while, too, floating around. The further I got towards reality-reality, the less I could do to influence the world. And the further I got towards the spirit-whatever, the more I could do.”

“So were you like, following me the whole time?”

“Oh- yeah. I was.”

“Creep,” Newsie laughed, giving him a playful shove.

“I wanted to help!”

“Well you weren’t much help with the walking!” They gave him a grin to show they didn’t mean their harsh words.

“I couldn’t do much,” Cherri defended, smiling back at her. “You were still too close to actual reality, so all I could really do was brush against you and make sure you didn’t get lonely.”

“You’re such an older brother. I’m assuming it was you steadying my hands on the ray gun, too?”

He nodded. “By that point, I could speak and you would hear me as a low whisper, but I was still most capable of physical touch.”

She nodded too. “Makes sense. So by the end…”

“You were starting to be faded because you didn’t belong in the spirit world. So I couldn’t see you as well, but I could still see and hear you, and you could see and hear me, I think.”

“Yeah.” Newsie messed with the edge of her shirt. “Thanks for that, by the way. Don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t shown up.”

“I think I should be thanking you, given all the effort you went to just to get me back from the dead.”

“Just,” Newsie snorted. “Just. As if your life wasn’t worth every second of that fucking walk.”

He looked incredibly touched. “Oh. Well thanks any-“

“No, seriously. I bitch about it a lot, but you know I’d do that a hundred times if I had to, right?”

Cherri’s eyes were glittering with tears, and Newsie glared at him. “Don’t you dare start crying, asshole, I’m trying to get it through your thick head that people care about you.”

He laughed softly, wiping his eyes. “I love you, Newsie.”

“Love you too, fucker.”

“What was it like to die?” That was Show Pony, his time, and Newise glared at em across the room as Cherri flinched.

“Well, it was painful, as you might expect. And…scary. Dying was terrifying.”

“Why?”

“God, Pony, shut up,” Newsie muttered to herself.

Cherri didn’t seem to mind the questioning. “It was scary because I knew I was leaving you guys.”

“Aw, Cher!”

“I didn’t want to die alone,” he went on. “I never wanted to die alone.”

“Why’d you leave?”

“Because I wanted to not be hurting anymore,” Cherri said simply. “I didn’t want to die, not really. It just seemed like the easiest way out. I realized I didn’t really want to leave you all maybe three days in, but by that time, I was already dying. And I was helpless to do anything.”

“Oh.”

“So there’s your answer. Dying is terrifying, and lonely, and painful. But peaceful, too, when you finally close your eyes. There’s no pain when you’re already dead, but…it was still a mistake. I still never should have left.”

“Don’t think Pone was ready for that much honesty, Cherri,” Newsie put in.

“In my defense, ey asked.”

Pony had been briefly shocked into silence, but ey returned to asking questions almost immediately. “So, then did the Phoenix Witch take your soul?”

Cherri nodded, running a hand up and down his arm. “She took the bracelet that Newsie gave me, said it was the closest thing to a mask in terms of soul that she would be able to get. It wasn’t enough for me to fully move past, but it let me into the borderlands between this world and the next. That was where the Witch let me stay until Newsie came for me, and she let me walk next to Newsie on their quest.”

“And you were such an older brother,” Newsie complained.

“That’s kinda my job, isn’t it?”

“It doesn’t have to be, you chose to adopt me as your sibling.”

“Oh, well would you like me to redact that?” He was smiling, a little bit playful and a little bit wry.

“Nope! You’re stuck with me now, no taking it back.”

“And I wouldn’t want to.”

“Awwwww, do I get to be your sibling too, Cola?” Pony was grinning.

“You get to be my nibling,” Cherri deadpanned.

Pony threw back eir head and laughed. “You’re not old enough to be my uncle, but I’ll take it.”

“Bold words from the person who’s always calling me old.”

This time, Newsie joined in Pony’s laughter. “You are old!”

“Well if you’re my sister, and I’m old, what does that make you?”

“Young and fun because I’m the younger sibling,” Newsie declared with as much seriousness as she could manage.

Pony was laughing so hard ey fell off eir chair, and that was how D found the lot of them five minutes later, collectively laughing and cracking jokes about age as Pony laid on the floor giggling.

“This is why I can’t leave to do my broadcasts,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“I promise I tried to keep everyone sane,” Cherri said, but he was laughing too hard for that to be really believable.

“Uh-huh, and my name is Dr. Life-loving.”

Newsie almost fell off her own chair laughing, sliding down to join Pony on the floor as Cherri giggled. “Okay, that was a little funny.”

“Anyways, I was coming to tell you that I checked the date, and you ought to be very excited.”

Newsie and Pony both sat up straight at that, ceasing their hysterical laughter.

“Oh?” Cherri was still grinning, but not giggling anymore.

“Christmas is just around the corner, which means-“

“GLITTER!” Show Pony shouted at the top of eir lungs.

“A massive tumbleweed that will fill half our living room and be covered in glitter!” Newsie contributed.

“Decoration!” Cherri looked like a child on Christmas Eve, which wasn’t too far off. “Right, who wants to help me get the stuff out of the attic?”

“Not it, there are spiders up there!” Pony shivered dramatically. “Big spiders!”

Newsie flipped em off with a groan as she climbed to her feet, following Cherri up the ladder into the cramped little ‘attic’- more of a crawlspace, really, but it was where they stashed all their random things, including but not limited to spare power pup, Christmas decorations, old poetry, a bottle of bright pink spray paint, and two Helium Wars era shotguns. Which meant, of course, that it was perpetually a mess, and quite dusty. There were also quite a few spiders, Pony wasn’t mistaken about that.

Newsie squashed one that tried to crawl over her hand. “Alright, fucker, where did you stash the fucking decorations this time?”

“Back here, I- achoo! I think.”

“Great, pass them over to me so we can get down, huh?”

“Hang on, I’m still looking.”

She waited in silence for a few more moments as Cherri banged around, occasionally swearing when he hit his head on the ceiling. “Hey, uh, Cherri?”

“Yeah? You okay out- fuck! Fucking beams- There?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just wanted to say…you know what you were talking about earlier? When Pone was asking all those questions?”

They couldn’t see him very well, only a bit of his legs, but they knew he had gone still by the lack of crashing and banging. “Yeah?”

“I figured I’d say that you can- and should- talk to us, fuckface. You don’t have to fight all your battles alone, you know.”

“Oh.”

“We want to help. And we don’t want to trek five hundred fucking miles to get you back from the Phoenix Witch again.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“Anytime, fucker.”

Cherri emerged a second later with the big box of decorations, passing it over to Newsie with a tiny sniff. “Fucking dusty back there.”

They smelled bs, but they decided he could keep his pride for now. “Why do you think I made you do that part of it?” She climbed a few steps down the ladder, setting the box on the ground before hopping off fully. Cherri followed them down, still sniffling a little as he gave one final sneeze.

“We should clean up there,” D muttered.

“Yeah, and how are we supposed to keep dust out of the desert, genius?”

D gave her a glare. “That’s the point of this building.”

“Yeah, well dust gets everywhere.” She pulled open the box as Cherri peered inside.

“Hey, we kept that wreath I found last year! Great!”

“Of course we did, do we ever throw anything away?” D was smiling, despite his seemingly irritated words.

“Nope!” Pony went skating by, grinning. “Sparkle time! I’m off to the glitter stash.”

“Yeah, you do that,” D sighed.

“I’ll detangle these, see if I can get some working,” Newsie decided, pulling out a strand of lights.

“And I’m going to go get a tumbleweed,” Cherri said with a grin.

“Don’t you dare go alone, you’ll get run over by a tumbleweed! I’m going to radio that Terrific Trio and see if one of them will help,” D said firmly.

The floor wasn’t exactly comfy, but it was a good enough place to sit as Newsie detangled and fiddled with the lights. Honestly, they would think there was a better way to do it than throw it all in a box every year and have to re-detangle it the next.

After about twenty minutes, a tall killjoy she vaguely recognized as a member of the Terrific Trio came to join her. “Hey, uh, Dr. Death Defying said that I should help with detangling these and sorting the ornaments? Poison and Kobra are going with Cherri Cola to go get a tumbleweed.”

“Oh, my dumbass brother.” They nodded. “Sit on down, sort some ornaments. I’m sure Cherri will look after your friends.”

“He’s your brother?” They could practically see the wheels turning in Jet Star’s head.

“Yeah. We don’t look much alike, I know. It’s not ‘legal’, or whatever.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, we’ve been friends for years and we just decided we were siblings somewhere along the way.” She swore as one of the lights flickered out.

“Oh no!” Jet was sorting the ornaments very precisely. “That’s sweet though, you just adopted him as your brother?”

“Uh-huh. He’s the older one because he’s such a protective dork. Fucking idiot.”

“Ah. I don’t have any siblings, but Poison is so protective of Kobra. Is Cherri like that?”

“Oh Witch, yeah. Just because I’m ‘reckless’ and ‘get myself into trouble’ well who fucking died? Not me.”

Jet was giving her a very concerned look, and she sighed. “Sorry. I’m salty at my brother. Fucking idiot, I had to walk so far to get him back that one time.”

“Oh.”

They didn’t get a chance to say anything else because at that moment, Cherri came through the door, dragging a truly massive tumbleweed. He was followed by Kobra Kid, looking extraordinarily disgruntled and covered in bits of tumbleweed, and Party Poison, who was laughing their ass off.

“Kobra- Kobra he got stuck in the tumbleweed! He got fucking stuck!”

“I almost died, asshole!”

“No, you just got stuck in a fucking tumbleweed!”

Cherri looked somewhere between exasperated and amused. “He did, but he’s out now, so please stop laughing, Poison.”

That mostly shut them up, since they shot a glare at Cherri instead, but they were still smirking as Kobra flipped them off. Newsie thought the whole thing was pretty funny, to be honest.

“So! Fucker! You got a massive fucking tumbleweed?”

“Yep.”

“And where are we going to put that?” D’s voice was exasperated (as was common) as he stuck his head into the room.

“The living room,” Cherri said with a straight face (or, well, the straightest face a gay poet could possibly manage).

“Not what I meant.”

“I know.”

“You, my dear Cherri, are a bit of a bastard sometimes.”

“Only I get to call him that,” Newsie protested. “He’s my brother, only I get to call him a bastard.”

D sighed. “Fine. Anyways, Cherri, where are we putting this?”

“I figured over here?” Cherri was putting the tumbleweed in place in a corner, and D nodded with another sigh.

“That works.”

“Great! Decorating time!”

“And that’s our cue, since my brother is going to stab me,” Party Poison announced. Newsie waved goodbye to them as the Terrific Trio made their way out, laughing and swearing at each other in equal measure. Which left the radio crew to put lights and ornaments and ridiculous amounts of glitter on a tumbleweed, followed by a strand of bad luck beads each.

Seeing the beads hanging there had given Newsie an idea, and the next day, she hopped on her motorcycle. “I’m heading to the Zone Four market, fuckers!”

“Have fun, Newsie!” Cherri shouted back.

“See ya!” Pony chimed in.

Newsie waved as they revved the engine and sped off.

The market was as bustling as ever, and Newsie had to shoulder her way through the crowd in order to get to the one ‘joy who they knew sold semi-decent beads. “Oof. Damnit. Fuck!” They applied a well-placed elbow to get past the large group of killjoys blocking their way and tromped up to the little stall. “Hey.”

“Oh, hi…NewsAGoGo, was it?” The ‘joy shot her a charming smile. Xe was probably a bit older than her, maybe around Cherri’s age, and Newsie knew ae always had the best beads.

“That’s me and you well know it, Penny Pincher.”

“Oh good, always want to remember my best customer’s names. What can I do for you this time?”

“I could use some beads, wood if you have them.”

“We’re out of stock today, will plastic do?”

Newsie sighed. Plastic would be cheaper anyways, she supposed. “Plastic is fine. I need enough for a bracelet, about as many as I got last time.”

“That will be twenty carbons.”

“Swindler. I’d pay five.”

Penny Pincher laughed and pushed xyr coppery hair out of xyr face. “Ten.”

“Seven.”

“Make it eight and you’ve got a deal.” Ae dropped a couple of extra beads into the little bag, tilting aer head at Newsie questioningly.

“The extras seal the deal,” Newsie laughed. They passed over eight carbons, giving Penny Pincher a smile. “Thanks, Penny!”

Penny grinned back. “Anything for my favorite NewsAGoGo!” Xe waved her off with another bright grin, shining like pennies in the sunlight.

Newsie’s next stop was a ‘joy called American Idiot who sold paints and other art supplies relatively cheap, and then it was back home to the radio station. Cherri seemed to have gone out when she returned, thankfully, seeing as his truck was gone.

“Where’d Cola go?” Newsie asked, wandering into the living room.

“Think he’s off to get some water for some crew that got themselves in a pickle,” Pony told them. Ey was lounging on the sofa. “They’re all hurt and don’t have carbons to spare, so you know our Cola just had to go help them.”

“Of course he did.” They plunked down on a chair, setting down the paint and beads. “Warn me if you hear the truck coming, will you?”

“Will do. Whatcha making?”

“A bracelet for Cherri.” She picked out her first color, a pretty sky blue, and started to paint careful designs onto a few beads.

“Shiny! I bet he’ll love it.”

“He better, American Idiot practically swindled me out of all my carbons,” Newsie buttered. That wasn’t exactly true, she had bought some of the nicest paints the other ‘joy was selling, and a lot of them too, but they were still overpriced. Better than going to Tommy Chow Mein’s, though, so they still thought it was a good choice.

She had most of the beads painted by the time Cherri came back, yawning and rubbing his forehead. “Well, that was a day.”

“What happened?”

“Just some idiots being stubborn.” He peered curiously at the bead she was painting a little tree onto. “What are you doing?”

“None of your business, nosy brother,” Newsie replied.

“I was just curious,” Cherri said mildly. He pushed Pony’s feet off the end of the sofa to make a place for him to flop down. “Pone, your feet are gross. Stop putting them on the couch.”

“As if your feet are any less gross!”

“Well I don’t put my feet on the sofa when other people are trying to sit there, at least.”

Pony pouted. “Fine, you win.” Ey flipped around so eir feet were dangling off the other end of the couch and eir head was in Cherri’s lap. “I’m not moving, though.”

Cherri chuckled and brushed his fingers through eir (currently rather sparkly) hair. “That’s alright, I won’t kick you out of your spot.”

“This is why I like you better than Newsie.”

“You only like him because he’s a pushover!” Newsie hollered across the room.

“Hey!” Cherri was grinning tiredly despite his protests. “Maybe I’m just nice.”

“Uh-huh, sure. No, you just never stick up for yourself! Pone isn’t going to die if you don’t let em sprawl on the couch, you know.”

Pony put a hand on eir forehead like a fainting woman in an old-timey painting, sitting up off Cherri’s lap just so ey could ‘faint’ back into it. “You don’t know that, maybe I will die! I am gay, after all.”

“The gayest Pony in the desert,” Cherri laughed fondly.

“And don’t you forget it!”

A few weeks later, it was Christmas day. Usually, being in the desert was about survival. But being a killjoy was about living. Everyone would die in the end, killjoys sooner than most, so they had to take advantage of the time they had. So just for that one day, they ate their nicer food, and danced around to shitty Christmas music which Show Pony sang along to at the top of eir lungs, and eir singing might not have been on-key, but it was filled with joy and feeling.

Gifts were usually small in the desert, but they all happily exchanged them that evening anyways. Pony had painted ‘world’s best dad’ on a mug for Dr. Death Defying (and covered it with glitter), and for Newsie and Cherri there were pins. Cherri’s said “I lived, bitch” and Newsie’s said “I met the Phoenix Witch and told her to fuck off”.

“This is the best thing I’ve ever owned,” she told Pony (after she had finished laughing, that is).

Ey bowed dramatically. “Pleased to be of service.”

Meanwhile, the glitter trio (as Pony had declared them) had all pooled their collective carbons, braincells, and scavenging skills to find a set of rare vinyls for D, who spent the next ten minutes exclaiming over and examining them. “These are incredible, you three!”

Cherri, Pony, and Newsie exchanged satisfied grins.

“Glad you like it,” Cherri told him, still grinning.

Pony nodded. “Uh-huh! Those took some trickery to acquire!”

“I love them, thank you.”

Cherri turned out to have written a poem for each of them, producing three relatively nice sheets of paper covered in his messy but lovely handwriting. Newsie’s was about life, death, siblings, and the word ‘fucker’, a silent promise hidden in every line that said ‘I won’t leave you again’. She didn’t know what the other two’s were about, but she did know that D gave Cherri his sad smile and Pony threw eir arms around Cherri with a “Love ya, Cola.”

And Cherri smiled and said “I love you too.”

Finally, Newsie got to give Pony a new bottle of glitter to add to eir collection (which had cost a pretty penny, they might add), and D a patch for his jacket that they and Cherri had worked on with Pony as well as the records. And finally, finally, she got to give Cherri the new bracelet.

Cherri didn’t look up from the bracelet for several moments after they placed it in his hands, turning it over and over and examining the patterns.

Eventually, Newsie got nervous enough to speak. “I figured I’d make one. Since, you know. Since the Witch took your old one.”

Cherri was smiling broadly as he did look up, still holding the strand of bad luck beads carefully. “I love it, Newsie.” He slid the bracelet onto his wrist, still grinning. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome,” she shrugged. “Fucker.”

“I love you, Newsie,” he added.

“Love you too, fucker.”

#cherri cola #newsagogo #auri writes #show pony #dr. death defying #ttlofk #once again i am writing about newsagogo and cherri cola #no one is surprised #suicide mention

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girl4music · 5 years ago

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Suicide/Self-Sacrifice/Manic-Depression

This may well be my best post yet regarding philosophical theories and artistic interpretations, using the characters and storylines from the show, ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, as a staple, if I can explain my thoughts and feelings on it well enough. I want to tackle the themes of ‘suicide’, ‘manic-depression’ and ‘self-sacrifice’. Some posts I’ve reblogged on Tumblr have inspired me to write down my take on these subjects, and the situations, circumstances and consequences that follow. This will probably be a very long post, so bear with me. I’ll try to keep on topic as much as possible, as this will be very hard to explain in a way that will not be offending, ignorant or just plain stupid. I want it to come across to people in a positive way!

Callisto:

The character Callisto was introduced in Season 1 and her story was very complicated. It was difficult to understand her consciously and morally for the awful things she was doing, and her reasons as to why she was doing them. Eventually there came to a point in the show where she felt she had nothing left to live for and she wanted to die. This was right after she heard the screams of Xena mourning the death of her son, Solan, in the Season 3 episode, ‘Maternal Instincts’. You see the expression of pure ecstasy on her face, as she had desired this for so long. To make Xena feel the pain and the grief she caused her when she burned her hometown and murdered her family. To give her a taste of the immense torture it had inflicted on her all throughout the years growing up alone and full of revenge, driving her to psychopathy. I’ve said this before, but I could never quite look at Callisto as a villain, as I could see she was so damaged and depressed, that she really couldn’t help becoming the way she did. I feel she was seriously misunderstood, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way about her. This scene in the episode was supposed to be her moment of accomplishment and relief. But then her facial expression begins to change to confusion and apathy. She realized it didn’t do anything to cure her condition, it only made her empty and numb inside. She was waiting for the relief to wash over her and for the pleasure to settle into her system and it didn’t. After so many years of wanting to destroy Xena’s soul, she finally got her wish… and it did NOTHING!

What brought her to the point of yearning for death was the fact that she couldn’t feel anything anymore. Not even her hatred for Xena… which was what was motivating her to hold on to her life to begin with. She believed the only meaning to her life was to destroy Xena’s. The delicious scent of fulfillment never came, and she was done with it. From that point onwards she craved oblivion, and unfortunately for her, since becoming a god, that wasn’t possible. The Olympian gods cannot take their own lives. Another must do it or they must get permission from Zeus, as their roles as immortals are important and too valuable to be wasted, according to the king of the gods. This was the fatal flaw in her plan. She wanted to live long enough to sate her vengeance. But what she ended up doing instead was giving herself no way out of her emotional and mental torment. What did, however, relieve her of that, as we see later in the show, was Xena sacrificing herself to save her soul from eternal damnation in Hell. Thus, as an angel, she was reformed and could forgive Xena without question. She helped Eli bring her and Gabrielle back to life, as well as provide her with what she once took from her. A child. A human life, that to which would conceal her reincarnated soul, giving her what Xena once took from her. A mother. Such a beautiful and satisfying end to her story. If she had found a way to destroy her existence, that would have never happened for her, as it was impossible for her to not experience consciousness. No matter which reincarnated body, denomination of the afterlife or alternate reality she was in. Committing suicide would not have helped anything. It would not have given her any kind of respite whatsoever. Suicide was not the answer. Xena’s self-sacrifice was. It was down to Xena to save her, as Callisto was well passed the point of saving herself.

Xena:

Now this is where I need to be very careful because I don’t want to upset anyone who has had personal experiences with losing loved ones to suicide, or give those who might have suicidal tendencies an excuse to act on them. I’m going to try my best to express myself in a respectful way regarding Xena’s story, and whether she was suicidal or not, as some Xenites have pointed out parts of the show where it’s explicitly implied that she was because she had no regard for her own life and felt she never deserved forgiveness. We’ll start off with the pilot episode, ‘Sins Of The Past’, as this is where her story starts after changing her ways and reforming into a heroine for the ‘greater good’. Turning away from her darkness, and her desire to destroy anyone who got in her way of conquering entire nations. We see her riding Argo into smoke-filled areas, where an attack has evidently struck. Her mind occupied with images and sounds of the sins of her past. Remembering all the lives she had destroyed physically and emotionally. She comes across a boy in the wreckage of the village she was passing by and gave him some food before speeding off out of the area. I personally think this scene was a delusion, as the boy was talking about how it was Xena who killed his parents, and that she came out of the sky “throwing thunderbolts and breathing fire.” I believe the boy and the decimated village was real but the experience he was relating was not. So, therefore, I feel it was just her deluding herself with the memories of the horrible things she had done, and the consequences it had on the lives of those she victimized and destroyed.

Next we see her in a wooded surrounding taking off her armor and leathers, leaving her in only her under-shift, and burying them, covering them with soil and leaves. It is here where it is possible she was thinking of committing suicide as we also see her staring blankly, presumably deep in thought at what she was about to do. Contemplating on going through with it, I would assume. Now if we go all the way to the second to last episode, ‘A Friend In Need Part I’, we see her do the exact same thing, only this time, her last look and thoughts were of Gabrielle, walking in the opposite direction, with absolutely no inclination of what she was about to do, which was to allow the army to kill her. We watch her put up enough of a fight to take out as many men as she possibly could, until finally meeting the general face to face as he cuts off her head, in first-person view, with blood covering the camera screen, shocking us all. She was allowing him to kill her as she could have easily stopped him if she had wanted to, as Gabrielle points out later. She evidently was wanting to die. So these parallels definitely allude to her being suicidal and caring nothing for her own life. Only Gabrielle’s and the people who were about to be attacked by Yodoshi’s soldiers. I don’t blame her to be honest. The 40,000 lives she had taken all those years ago would have drove her to that conclusion. Their blood on her hands, if only figuratively, making the decision for her. So considering those scenes, as well as her confession to Gabrielle, in the Season 6 episode, ‘Legacy’, that she was the one who changed her decision to “wanting it to end”, it is very conceivable she was plagued with suicidal thoughts throughout the entire show. And given this theory is accurate, it tells you Gabrielle saved her life without even realizing it from the moment she first met her. That is an astonishing revelation, and it completely changes the tone of the whole show. The thought that Xena could have been suicidal all that time. She was only happy when she was with Gabrielle, who she referred to as her “light” and her “source”. Her reason for existing at all. Therefore, what the meaning of life was for Xena wasn’t a theme of any kind. It was a living and breathing human, who seemingly enjoyed her life and was very peaceful about it to begin with… but was she really? We’ll get on to her next…

Gabrielle:

This is a perspective that might be a little bit of a reach, and there certainly isn’t any reason to make this show seem any darker than it already is from what I’ve talked about previously, but I feel I must include this character in this topic of conversation, as she is my favourite character in the whole show. @brifigy made an enlightening post that I would like you to read:

https://girl4music.tumblr.com/post/168126126575/girl4music-brifigy-girl4music-brifigy

I think @brifigy had a valid theory, and I’d like to elaborate on it to support it. I am quite observant, so I notice things others completely overlook. There are certain traits from Gabrielle’s psyche I want to bring to light to you all, in continuation of @brifigy’s theory. Gabrielle might have been struggling with manic-depression. However, because of her incredible capacity for emotional strength, she was able to hide it from the audience and convince them that she was a happy person, as she so evidently appeared to be from the outside.

You must look very deeply into her character to pick up instances of depression and mania. It is very probable she could have been manic-depressed. Obviously, back then, there was no such term or diagnosis available for mental and emotional disorders. It’s a very relevant and logical perspective to come to, as her character is very layered and complicated. Though, it’s rather hard to pinpoint exactly where it might have been accurate. This is my attempt at pinpointing moments in the show where this perspective makes sense, with my limited knowledge on manic-depression.

The first thing I want to mention is Gabrielle’s insistence to cater to and sacrifice herself for others, both physically and emotionally. We see this side of her right from the start. In her introduction scene, she is shown sacrificing her own life for the health and freedom of her family. The very same event that saved Xena from committing suicide… was also the one where Gabrielle offered her own life to the slave-traders. In fact, throughout the whole of the season we see her constantly doing this for others. Putting herself in harm’s way. Throwing herself in front of strangers. Doing dangerous tasks to prove herself as a responsible young adult, and worthy of being Xena’s sidekick. Bravely stepping up to the plate time and time again to protect and defend others, even with her lack of fighting skill and strength, all the while showing extreme naivety and recklessness.

But what for? What was her motive? Why did she behave this way? Why was she so compassionate and selfless? Well, if you’ve ever met someone who struggles with manic-depression, you will also most likely meet a person who is the most caring, kind and optimistic person you’ve ever encountered in your life, as this person is so tormented by their inner-demons, that they would never wish the same on others, and will endeavor to be a person who will always be there for others, and offer as much help and emotional support as they possibly can. They are usually very empathetic, artistic and adventurous. Always wanting a change in routine and schedule to keep them passionate about life. Always looking for meaning in everything, as they want to be able to give to the world their help and healing. The very thing they do not have for themselves or know how to give themselves. They are also somebody that always doubts themselves, and believes they have more faults than skills, but they express it in such a way where it seems like they’re not being serious. It just comes across as a funny passing joke. Laughing at themselves and their imperfections, but deep inside really struggle with them, and believing in themselves and their capabilities. They give to others what they cannot give to themselves. Pointing out their potential and strengths to lift that person’s confidence and vibration. They talk about subjects that refer to overcoming obstacles and finding the meaning of life. But you never really notice that they’re talking about themselves because they’re just so damn good at putting it into a non-personal way.

If this does not sound like Gabrielle to you in the first season, you haven’t really been paying enough attention, because I can point out many times where Gabrielle has shown these personality and behavioural traits, and not just in the first season either. Gabrielle had an immense evolution, and a lot of what happened to her in Season 3 made her really grow up. She became stronger and wiser because of it. Initially, she appeared to be an overly enthusiastic, loving life, kind of person. But was she just putting on a show? And if she was suffering with manic-depression, (or what has come to be known as ‘bipolar disorder’ nowadays) what caused this manifestation of mental issues in the first place? Childhood trauma, perhaps? It seems like Gabrielle’s first experience of trauma is in Season 2 and Season 3. But we have no idea what was going on before that in her hometown or inside her head. We’ll never know. But what we do know is that Xena saved her, as she confesses that in the Season 4 episode, ‘The Ides Of March’, as @brifigy‘s post said. It’s as good a confirmation as any.

Thank you, @brifigy for enlightening us with this insight into Gabrielle’s character. I merely only wanted to elaborate on it and support it. I hope you don’t mind. I’m done! That was long-winded, but I hope you took something from it. It’s a hard topic to talk about, but I thought I’d express my thoughts and feelings on it, thoroughly, anyway. If you got this far, thank you so much for reading. I love my Xenite family. I hope none of you ever take your own life, or put yourself in a situation where you could die, because you don’t care about yourself. You are deserving of so much in this world, and it would not be the same without you. Do not follow Xena!

IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK PRIVATELY… MY DM’S ARE OPEN!

#xena warrior princess #xena and gabrielle #xena #lucy lawless #gabrielle #renee o'connor #callisto #hudson leick #return of callisto #maternal instincts #legacy #sins of the past #the ides of march #suicide #self-sacrifice #manic-depression #bipolar disorder #brifigy #theory

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authorkimberlygrey · 5 years ago

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Shitty Things Nobody Tells You About (Self) Publishing And How To Deal With Them

This isn’t in my usual style because I got tired of trying to do the paragraphs thing.

fuck that I think in bullet points and curse words, y’all can deal with it.

There’s a readmore a bit further down because this it got long don’t worry.

It's Expensive

When you self-publish, you are becoming your own publishing company.

you have to pay for everything

Editing

Cover

Marketing shit

fifteen billion other things.

There are places that you can get services for cheap but you gotta be careful about that cause you might just get what you pay for. tbh I dont’ have much advice on this, its just a thing you’re gonna have to figure out, sorry.

Everyone wants a piece of the pie

The shittier members of your friends, family, and community will probably try to horn in on your hard work

“Am I in the dedications?”

“Am I in the book?”

“Can I have a free copy?”

etc. etc.

fuck these people, you don’t need that shit.

you just wrote a whole ass book, go you!

they don’t get to take away from that.

Shitty businesses definitely will try to horn in on your hard work

you will get messages

and emails

and offers

and followers

Fuck those guys

fuck them so hard.

It may be tempting because they’ll sound nice and shit

but listen to me:

The reason they’re trying to get you to come to them is that nobody else is and they want to prey on your assumed inexperience.

because the reason nobody is coming for them is that they are shitty. They are so shitty.

I have gotten three messages from a company called Doran

They are very professional, pretty messages

I have my very own publishing consultant.

Doran has a total of 1.8 stars on google ratings.

Block these fuckers immediately

Do not pass go, do not give them the 200 dollars that they are asking for.

Fuck them.

Again, you wrote a whole ass book

they haven’t done shit.

They don’t get to horn in on your hard work.

tell them to fuck off

I’m putting the rest of this stuff under the cut because it got too long and I don't want to obliterate y’all’s dashes.

Post-Publication Depression

Not everyone deals with it

Some lucky assholes get to feel accomplished and happy

But you’re not gonna know until you get there

keep an eye on that shit

I’m not fucking joking here y’all

this is shitty.

Nobody talks about it because Ya Gotta Keep Up The Happy Author Image

But fuck that, I’m not letting yall trip facefirst into this shit unprepared.

You might feel like nobody cares about you, about your book, about anything.

You may feel like you’ll never write anything again

You may feel like what you have written is a shitty, shitty pile of steaming garbage and you are doomed to die cold and alone in the night

You may miss the world and the characters and feel like they’ve died and taken a part of you with them

You may feel a billion different shitty things and it sucks so bad my friends

You just did like several solid months of stressful shit at the very least.

You are a rubber band and you have just been stretched to the limit and unleashed against the unforgiving back of the head of reality by some dumb fuck kid who’s supposed to be paying attention in class.

But look at me: It's not gonna be here forever

There are always people who care for real

You will write again and it will be awesome

What you wrote is awesome, no matter how many imperfections you may see in it right now.

The world and characters are with you always. There is literally nothing stopping you from continuing to write shit with them. or even just daydreaming shit. They are yours and the world cannot take them from you.

You will get through this, it may take a week, or a month, or longer and it may be shitty that whole time

but it will end. And you’ll make it through.

My advice?:

Get a support system

Tell them that this is a thing

Have them check in on you

Don’t try to do this alone because you don’t have to.

It's Difficult to Find Information

Remember that part where I talked about how everyone wants to horn in on your hard work?

yeah.

It is entirely possible that I’m just shit at researching but all of the videos, articles, and free PDFs that I found fell into one or both of these categories:

Either they’re from a publishing company that wants to discourage you from self-publishing so that they can publish your book for you.

fuck you, pocket guide to publishing

Or for some godforsaken reason, its full of utterly useless fluff to give it length or to cover up the fact that the creator doesn’t actually know what the fuck they’re talking about

The thing you need

if its there

will be one sentence long and buried somewhere in all the fluff somewhere in the middle-end of the thing

somewhere

fuck if you’ll ever find it though.

What I recommend is that you find a publishing mentor

Someone who’s been through this shit and can give you the short answer instead of letting you sit in front of your computer crying because you just need to know what button to push what the fuck

Again, maybe I’m just really shitty at research, but still

publishing mentor

good shit

crying over ingramspark’s shitty, shitty website design:

bad shit

shoutout to @brynwrites for answering my neverending stream of questions when I finally gave up trying to find the information on the internet or on ingramspark

do not look for things on ingramspark

just dont’

there is no logic or organization to that hellhole.

the blog posts may have promising titles

but the information you want is probably buried in the middle of a tangentially related article

the rest of the internet isn’t much better tbh.

Its Easy To Get Lost In The Crowd

There is a metric fuckton of books out there

and another two fucktons of WIPs

because none of us writeblrs seem to have an attention span longer than two chapters before we get distracted by a shiny new idea

you know I’m right

People on tumblr are shitty in general at reblogging shit despite that being the point of the website

you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink

People on writeblr are really busy with their heads stuffed up their own WIPs and they tend not to notice other shit

we’re all guilty of it, its fine

but it can be depressing

its not personal tho

What ya gotta do is make friends

yes, I am literally telling you to believe in the Power of Friendship.

You gotta make yourself an apocalypse survival group my pals

You and yours on the wild seas of greater indifference

it’ll be great

All that matters is the people that matter

Fuck everyone else or you’re gonna be crying yourself to sleep for the rest of your life

nobody wants that.

Post-Publication Depression

y’all

seriously

I’ve cried myself to sleep more nights in the last two weeks than I have ever since I was hella depressed in high school

-100/10 would recommend

but I forgot to opt out of this subscription

this shitty, shitty subscription.

God I’m so tired.

Btw I’m going on hiatus for like a week after this last giveaway ends

Its been twelve days since Ascendant was published but it feels like a god damn month

fuck this shit I’m out

see y’all later

P.S please reblog the last giveaway or someth if you want a book.

#Writing advice #publishing advice #writing #publishing #self publishing #speaking into the void

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obeythefloof · 5 years ago

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So apparently,...

Apparently I was stuck in my own little world since I was a toddler- way more so than usual- and had no sense of social object permanence until I was in high school.

In my head, I was the only person who existed and had thoughts and feelings and emotions, and didn’t understand otherwise until I was already a teenager, and I had to be told so by a teacher. Even after that it took a while to understand that.

After learning that other people had lives, I didn’t know how to talk to people with this in mind.

Before that, I had only wanted to play with kids who liked the same things I did and wanted to do things the way I did. I controlled the conversation and the activities because they didn’t even exist to me.

I have never been able to get deep into things because I tend to feel like I’ve learned enough information about the thing after finding only a few facts, and then I’d make the rest up myself and treat it as though those imaginary facts were true and indisputable. I’ve been working on this, but I still have trouble getting deep into things.

Even though I was at the top of my class in elementary school, I was extremely stunted socially. I had a very hard time making and keeping friends.

I cried whenever things didn’t happen exactly the way I wanted them to until about 5th grade. Actually, the last time I had a fit about that kind of thing, I was in 8th grade.

I’m in college now, I’m 19, and I’ve never been tested for autism or adhd or anything like that.

I still have a lot of issues regarding everything I mentioned above, and I have had major anxiety and depression because of it.

Right now, I’m getting tested, but I’m also having to juggle that with being a first-year college student 2 states away from home. It is very stressful, and I can’t help thinking of how much easier my life would have been if I’d been evaluated as a child and gotten the resources I needed instead of having to go though so much heartache.

I don’t need money, this isn’t one of those posts. Support would be nice, I admit, but really, I just wanted to use my story as a bit of a psa.

Get your kids tested.

Seriously. And get them tested young.

If they’re struggling emotionally or socially, just make sure. Knowing will save them a lot of heartache. It will save them from thinking they’re just stupid.

If anyone wants to reblog this with their own stories, they can.

#psa #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #my story #childhood #my life #parenting

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realm-sweet-realm · 5 years ago

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Aimless rambling about the ink thinner AU

So, I’ve always kind of wanted to explore this comedy au in more depth (and no, I’m not writing a fanfic on it. It would be aimless). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, the ink thinner AU is one where the crew gets the opposite of their usual personality for a week. This doesn’t include a person’s abilities or attitudes about specific people (it won’t make Wally smart, or make Sammy instantly fall in love with him). It’s an interesting concept to explore- what would you, as a person, do if you could be separated from so much of what keeps you where you are for a week?

I’m going to add an extra detail: on day two, Joey figures out what happened and calls the other twelve into his office to explain. All of those who have families and/or significant others will have a meeting together that night to explain what’s going on to their loved ones so they can work out an arrangement.

Original post is here: https://youllallriseinthenk.tumblr.com/post/187692782312/what-would-happen-if-each-of-the-batim-employees

The post is about what their personalities are, but I want to talk about how they’d handle it.

Henry: has way too many emotions and no way to handle them since he’s always been super calm without much effort. On the plus side, he 100% takes advantage of Joey’s temporary reasonableness so he can get him to make some changes around the studio in regards to working conditions. Does his best to contain himself at home. (His kids mostly just think it’s funny.)

Joey: It was a long week for him. Suddenly developing empathy when you’re a person who’s done so much wrong isn’t easy, and he was also a pretty somber person in general that week. On the plus side, he made some great changes to the company and apologized to a bunch of people he did wrong to.

Sammy: is really even-tempered all week. Takes the opportunity to apologize Susie and Wally for being so snappish all the time, and tackles particularly frustrating parts in the songs he’s working on.

Susie: Is finally able to look at things logically and leave her obsession with the Alice role behind. Being less naive, she comes to a realization that she is being seriously mistreated at Joey Drew Studios and writes down why she thinks that so that she will remember when the week is over. Signs up for auditions elsewhere. Her cynicism is really off-putting, though.

Allison: is outwardly a total bitch all week, but her fire for novelty is gone, at least. It’s pretty uneventful for her, except that Thomas is really kind to her. She and Susie go out to bitch about life over coffee at one point.

Thomas: it’s a very peaceful week for him. He’s able to have a productive and helpful discussion with Joey (see below) and can connect with Allison in a way that’s hard to come by for him now that he’s in a rare state of inner peace and contentment. Will probably miss this more than anyone.

Jack: essentially spends the week making his rounds on every person that routinely takes advantage of him, chews them out, and sets new boundaries on the relationship. Goes harder on some people than they deserve and apologizes to them as soon as the week is over. He also crashes at Sammy’s place so that his family doesn’t have to deal with him being an asshole.

Wally: was so depressed that he spent the first day of it in bed. Afterwards, he was determined to move up in the world and made a plan to do so. He was thinking “who’s the last person I’d normally want the help of,” and invited Shawn to help him.

Norman: was really sociable all week and made a bunch of friends with people not affected by ink thinner. He lost track of most of them afterwards, but he kept a few.

Grant: obviously enjoyed being cheerful and energetic. Used the opportunity to draw up a detailed financial plan for the studio to get as much as possible fixed, and especially to get as much done as possible before Joey was back to normal. Also tackled some things in his home life that usually seem too hard or intimidating.

Bertrum: is essentially thrown into a paralyzing existential crisis because everything he’s ever done was to become as big and noticeable as possible, but now he feels like an disgusting embarrassment and just wants to hide and never be seen or thought of again. (Yeah... a person who hates themself as much as Bertie loves himself is a wild mess.)

Lacie: really has to help Bertrum stand up for himself. Thankfully she’s feeling really gentle and nurturing right now. Eventually she just has to encourage him to take the time off and not make any big decisions until he’s himself again.

Some events:

-Jack chews Joey the fuck out for everything, which makes him cry. Sammy as well. Both of them treat him with kindness that week. Sammy didn’t even realize he was mistreating Jack until he told him because Jack is just that much of a cheerful pushover. Sammy changes his behaviour towards Jack after the week is over. On the other hand, Jack picks a fight with Allison that ends with him in the infirmary.

-on day two, during the meeting where Joey tells everyone what’s going on, Wally drops some line about how depressed he’s been. After the meeting, Grant takes him aside and offers to tell him some of his coping mechanisms, since he’s used to dealing with it. Wally takes him up on the offer. The two passed by each other a few times that week and Grant made a point of asking Wally how he’s doing. After the week, Wally started asking the same thing on the occasions when they crossed paths (until Wally left, that is. See below.)

-Since Thomas doesn’t feel so under-thumb anymore he tries to have a serious talk with Joey about the ink machine. Joey tearfully admits that the ink machine is evil and they should get rid of it. Being both unusually sentimental and naive, Thomas comforts him and promises not to go to the police so long as Joey immediately gives the order to start taking down the machine. Of course, that order is immediately reversed the second the week is over, and so is Thomas’ willingness to go to the authorities.

-Wally and Shawn have a deep, meaningful conversation about their future careers. Wally writes out a plan to take a second job so he can save enough money to take some time off, learn a trade, and go into a career that will make him happier with himself. Shawn considers looking for a job as a chef and leaving the studio behind. The second the week is over, Wally is so glad to feel alive again that he immediately crinkles up the plan and is like, “Hey Shawn, fuck this, I’m happy right here!” To help him celebrate, Shawn sets fire to the plan and dares Wally to stuff it in his mouth. He does. After the week, Shawn actually does go on to become a chef, and gets Wally a job as a janitor at the restaurant. Thus, neither of them get sacrificed.

-Right before the week is over, Jack gets ahold of the intercom, and tells everyone that he’s found more ink thinner and will drink a whole gallon of it if anyone tries treating him like dirt again. A few days afterwards, Grant and Thomas approach Jack, and, well, it wasn’t easy telling the poor guys that there was no more ink thinner.

If you have anything to add, reblog and add it.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #aus #ink thinner #joey drew crew

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