#diaryposting and ranting

[10reallybigants]

Shout out to the moid in my friend group that shattered our friendship by telling me to squat in a video game, which I naively thought was a normal request, and when I looked at his stream he was trying to look up my characters dress. And then later proceeded to wonder out loud if I have an ass that is "basic".

He apologized in dm's later after another friend told him he messed up bad (bro doesn't even remember what he said or my reaction bc he was so drunk and fucked up) and I said yeah, what you did was fucked up and super not okay, and he hasn't responded or talked in the group since

Like no fucking way you're gonna come at ME sexually and then get all fucking mopey because you drank so fucking much you started saying your inside thoughts out loud.

[velvetporcelain]

i don’t give a fuck.

i don’t give a fuck.

i am a liar.

you’re in my fucking veins

you fuck.

-x

[freakydiary]

Is it bad that I’m scared to get a job? I’m 17 and had my first job at 16 I’m currently unemployed and feel guilty for not working but I’m scared to work my job life was kinda scary not to complain but how can grown people be so immature? I thought they would have some sort of maturity or patience but I’ve been met with aggression multiple times!

I’m scared to work because I’m scared of them yelling at me I know i shouldn't complain cuz any work is good work but I don’t want to get things thrown at me again!! I’m also scared of rejection what if I never get a job cuz I’m not good enough?

I’m scared, sometimes I think of just cutting life short before it gets too complicated.

[myheartisonthetrain]

i have had one hell of a night today goodness me so much for fixing my sleep schedule (rant)

first off watched ammonia 100/10 don't understand the bad reviews i loved that film and cried, spoilers in tags

second i thought about 🐹 (shes been coming back in my brain recently) and Mj because she beamed a smile at me today when i walked into her room and i'm going to ignore how that's probably because the last she heard of me was when i was having a huge meltdown and pretend she's different and actually cares about me when i'm *not* on the verge of doing something stupid

third got a follow from someone (different app) who's been aggravating my friend and i'm sick of her atp and sick of watching people talk shit about my friends so long story short had internet beef and won(?) for the moment but this friend bless her but i felt bad for starting something when i could've ignored the follow, so i sent her the screenshots and now she wants a turn at it too 😣 please i'm scared because ive been fully in control up until this point, didn't even get angry with the bitch but if she argues too we could both be toast

i don't know whether this is a good or bad time to have a reputation of violent outbursts. probably bad because no matter how calm i am people always bring it up (i said 'okay' in response am i cooked chat)

anyway plan is if she says anything to me i'm being really gay about it but i'll just say it loudly to someone else so she can't respond (enemies to lovers fr) (i'm horribly desperate for a real emotion) (i hate that that's what my male bullies used to do) (not because they 'fancied me' but because they knew how uncomfortable it made me)

ALSO fourth event a completely different friend (as i encouraged them to) vented to me about something super serious that i can't do anything about and i accept that but i just feel bad for them man someone give this guy a break

oh and before all this my encounter with ß was so sad and uneventful i questioned my feelings for him, like why him? he's not even an exception you just like him because he makes you feel special. today it felt like he was sick of me. don't do this to my confidence please old man

[fennopunk]

It's exhausting trying to explain to people I need help on doing certain tasks, not because I don't KNOW how to do them, but because my brain is wired weirdly, and I need someone present so I can do them myself

It's especially annoying when it's stuff like "how to do X in computer/internet" and not only am I from the generation that was actually taught how to use computers in school, I have goddamn certificate on it AND AN ENTIRE FUCKING DEGREE THAT REQUIRES COMPETENCE WITH COMPUTERS.

[rantingofasmallorganism]

February 6th 2023: Birthday Bashes, Possible Promotions, and Creating Controlled Chaos

Dear endless void that is the internet, so much for posting once a week huh.

It’s been 12 days since I posted and much has happened in those days. This past weekend I went to the keys to celebrate my best friend's birthday, we have this little “not so private” beach we go to when we visit the upper keys and we spent the day inebriated, swimming, and eating. Of course, cause underage drinking is frowned upon by the law, we hid our drinks in our reusable Starbucks cups and called it a day. Personally, I used strawberry acai with lemonade mixed with Alani Nu Breezberry and watermelon-flavored malibu.

Now, before I disclose the following information, I feel the need to mention that the drinking took place from around 10:30 in the morning till about 2 in the afternoon. Also, I had eaten before drinking and stopped before I had lunch. So throughout three and a half hours, I consumed about thirteen ounces of malibu on my own along with some sips of soju.|

We had lunch at this small burger place called M.E.A.T eatery and taproom. What made us decide to spend our money here wasn't a photo of the food or even the fact it was featured on "diners, drive-in, and dives", but a shirt we saw on Instagram that said, "You can't beat our meat."

Now I am an adult turning 20 in late March. I make monthly car payments and insurance payments ahead of time. In addition to this, I am a full-time student and work almost full time and am in line to get a promotion. I'd say I am responsible. However, there is a little part of me that I can only describe as a 14-year-old boy who has to laugh at things like that. "You can't beat our meat." God damn was the right. Those burgers were so good. On top of that their smoked potato salad has me drooling just thinking about them.

Overall we had a blast, we donned cowboy hats and played country music and what my cousin likes to call "old white people music". This consists of music such as that of Jimmy Buffets' "Margaritaville". We got back to my cousin's house, and dinned on pizza, soda, and slutty brownies while watching "Crazy Rich Asians". To say I love that movie is an understatement. It was a fucking masterpiece. Just absolute gold. From the script to casting to costume and set design. A solid ten out of ten.

Now today has been crazy. I woke up late and missed my first class, what a fucking joy, my only other class for today is my journalism class. This, my dear void, is where I sit and type up what you're reading. This is funny because we are on the topic of different media formats and my professor mentioned blogs and social media. She asked who has a blog and I raised my hand. Technically I have two, this one and another one on this same hell site but It's a fanfiction blog. She asked how many followers and what type of blog.

Did I answer honestly?

Of fucking course I didn't, at least not completely.

I said it's a blog where I test different concepts I want to write on and different writing styles and that I had somewhere between 900 and 1000 followers. Which is all true. What I left out was that it is a fanfiction blog mainly catering to the shows supernatural, sherlock, and marvel. I am a junior in college majoring in psych and pre-med. I do not need my cohort to learn that I am a fanfiction writer. It's not something I am ashamed of, but I know the jokes (usually are made lovingly) would never end, and that not what I need.

Some might think "pre-med and psych? Why are you taking a journalism class?" A shocker for many people (including my father), people actually have hobbies. Mine is writing. So I like to learn of all forms and styles. Creative writing, journalism, creative writing, academic research. I want to know all of it and everything that there is to know. I've published a book, won writing contests, and still run a blog, and post my ramblings onto this public forum as if it's a private diary as a way to vent. To say I like writing is an understatement. Speaking of liking things and hobbies. I like...No. I love variety. I had to rinse and repeat and I love the spontaneity of life. I also need to keep to a routine so I don't spiral out of controll and lose track of life. Recently, I've felt almost that my life has become stagnant again. I cannot put words to the way I hate stagnation.

Yes, I know people need to rest after making progress to recharge and restock energy and resources before continuing on tackling long-term goals. But I hate to stay still for too long. Usually, I need to do something small to change up my day and its scratches the ich until I find my next footing. This time it wasn't as simple as changing the scenery while doing my homework. I almost impulsively went for a walk in the forest area near my house.

Is this the type of activity that causes a person to die in a horror movie?

Yes.

Was I aware of this?

Yes

Did I do it?

No

Why?     

I got a call from my boss.    

For the past year or so I have been trying to become a shift manager at my job. Not only for the five-dollar pay raise but also due to the fact it would look great on my resume and offer me experience that would do me good in the long-term future.

 It got to the point where I've been frustrated with my job. I've been trying to move up the ladder and haven't gotten anywhere but getting fewer hours. Granted it has been the slow season for our industry and job but still. It's aggravating.

Then an angel shines down upon me and stops me from being a stereotypical dumbass horror movie character and my phone rings. My manager tells me about the opening, how to apply, and what the application and interview process looks like. Any idea of venturing into a body of woods by myself evaporated faster than it spawned and I applied to the position as fast as possible.

Now the chaos I've been looking for. The new energy flow in my life. Trying to land that position. Aside from trying to get straight A's this semester and taking a break during the summer, now I have this. Especially since I'm taking almost four months off from school and have open availability with my job. At 20 an hour, for a 60-hour paycheck, I'll make more than my monthly expenses. I'll make more in that paycheck than I do currently in a month.

I have earned this promotion, I've busted my ass and done anything and everything I can short of trying to seduce the higher-ups, and I set standards in life that prevent me from doing so.

Now I depart from this post and I am off to use the restroom and head home as my professor is ending class. Have a great day and stay safe. Till next time.

  -your blogger

[s-atrn]

Telephone Wires

Let me tell you what it feels like not being able to say what you want to say. I live in a squatter area, unowned, and nameless. My neighbor does their everyday routine of karaoke and drinking, dramatic schemes, and fighting. People who don’t consider other people’s opinions of the matter are never capable of listening. I feel like the witness, the middle of everything, I can only watch and hear what they want to broadcast on the streets. Sometimes I like to speculate, and sometimes I want to chop my ears off like Van Gogh did.

I am at this point where I feel that people only stay with me because I say the things they want to hear, I can't blame them. This world has been infested with noises and knowing that I sometimes willingly imagine myself as this telephone they can always put up on their lips and hang up whenever they want to.

Telephone wires should have both ends. I feel like I’ve given my end too freely. I'm tired of being your telephone. What's a call if there's nobody on the other side of the line anyway?

From 'Telephone Wires', by s-atrn

[andtheghost]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when things that should be simple are difficult.

Like when your health insurance can only be accessed through their website, but their website only works once a week after a ritual in which you turn counterclockwise three times, sacrifice a rooster, and throw some salt over your shoulder while saying the magic words that you can find on their website, but their website ISN’T WORKING, so you don’t know the magic words, and if you call them to get help because their website isn’t working, they tell you to go to the website, or you can get transferred to customer care, where you’ll then be transferred to a supervisor, who will tell you to USE THE DAMN WEBSITE.

Look, I’m all for automation. I would prefer to avoid human interaction when possible, and I would remove the actual phone function from my phone if I could. I love the idea of being able to manage my healthcare on a website. But if you’re giving me no other option, please make your website work. I’m not a programmer or IT or anything, but I do know there are millions of websites that work just fine out there, I know it’s possible. And considering this is a HEALTH INSURANCE website, are you legit trying to tell me you don’t have the money to get someone to fix your shit?

[f2l1p3]

Gonna use Tumblr to as a diary or journal to spew out nonsense and whatever I feel like ranting or venting about.

[velvetporcelain]

he fucked me and i felt nothing. what does that mean? am i broken? are our souls rejecting each other or is my body rejecting him— is it to late to save me?

he holds his breath and i hyperventilate. he’s still sexually shy. i want to hear a man moan. i am not turned on by him. fuck.

but he looks so good— but his lust for me is artificial, i can tell —

don’t ask me how. just know he cannot satisfy me and i act accordingly— finished his job in the shower- being greedy with lust — greedy with pleasure. am i hard to please? do i need a male creature from a different dimension to make me cum? no wonder I’m a cunt.

-x

[the-stargirl-era]

hii

small little rant below..

I’m feeling pretty good about my life right now. I feel like everything is coming together. The apartment search, saving money, and school coming up. I just feel great to be doing all this stuff for me. I’m usually in a cycle of self sabotaging but now that I’m breaking out of it things seem to be picking up. Duh I mean that sounds like a silly thing to say but it feels good to literally see it. Seeing the change in myself and how I go about things. I’m proud of myself and I can’t wait to see how the rest of the year goes.

7/17/23

[diphylleiadiaries]

This is my second cigarette. I’ve had this balcony for four years and this is the first time I’ve actually been out here. It’s fitting I chose to bring nothing but this cigarette and the lighter I’ve had no use for but for candles for the last two years. It’s funny Target won’t let you buy a lighter if you’re not 21.

I’ve finished the cigarette. I’m sitting next to its butt and its ashes. I have to clean up before my parents come home but I can’t bring myself to get up. I can’t bring myself to do much lately. I am trapped in a cycle I don’t know how to break. I destroy my lungs or my stomach lining (I destroy my lungs and my stomach lining) thinking they’ll bring me peace and relief and they do but not without making me sick right after. So fucking sick that I can’t get up. I’m so fucking sick. I’m sick of myself. I make myself sick on purpose and I hate it. But I keep doing it.

I see the messages coming in on my phone, I hear my friends reaching out. It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t wanna speak to them and it makes me feel bad but I don’t care enough to respond. The pain in my stomach is unbearable. I am full and I am stuffed and I am full and I am stuffed with emotions. And my brain is working overtime but it can’t process the pain and it can’t process everything else.

Between all that I feel, it is a shame peace is so temporary. It is a shame happiness is so fleeting. It is a shame that I wasn’t always like this, and I was once much better. A lot of things are such a shame. And at the end of the day, none of it matters because no one will know. No one will ever know but me. Because I’ve convinced myself that I am all I have. And if I am all I have then I must listen to myself, even when I am not well. And Lord knows I am not well.

I go to bed hoping the new day will bring me peace like it brings the sunrise. But the sunrise is temporary. And what eventually follows is the nightfall. And as the night falls, so do I. I fall further into places I don’t like to be in. And I wallow and I pray. I plead for the me in the future to scream a little louder, so that maybe I can hear her. So that maybe I will hear her, and I will listen to her. And that in listening to her, I will be better. But I can’t hear her. She’s either too quiet, or everything is too loud. I turn the music down but I still can’t find her. Sometimes I’m afraid she doesn’t exist. Worst of all, I’m afraid she’s just like me, and she won’t speak to me because she knows it.

I don’t tell my mother how I feel and all I do is listen to my sister. My friends get stories of trivial things and anecdotes that don’t mean anything. All that is valuable, all that is real, lives in ink on paper or in fingerprints over my keyboards. It lies beside me when I go to bed and sits in the passenger seat when I drive, anywhere.

My hands smell like cigarettes now. My clothes are on my shower floor. Despite how bad I (always) feel, I seem to live in a state of acceptance. That this is who I am. This is what has happened to me and I can try all I want to change it, but we both (me and I) know it will backfire. So I don’t try, until I do, and it does, and this all will happen again.

My brain is a mush of everything anyone can feel. I am afraid my hair will still smell of cigarettes even out of the shower. I will scrub and scrub, I will wash it twice over. I will try, because it is all I know how to do. I hope I succeed.

[freakydiary]

I HATE BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL

Like I will literally do something SO embarrassing bc i was being emotional

Example 1 Friday

I was literally crying bc yet again grades

But not only grades I was crying bc of my future such as

-Im getting older and I still can’t do basic things

-im literally so dumb how am I going to collage

-do I have collage money

-is it better if I kms now instead of dealing with everything

All those thoughts

And my dumb ass emotions crumbled when the teacher basically called me a cheater

Look this might sound stupid but it made me feel hurt

First, it made me feel they didn’t expect me to get it they didn’t think I was good enough smart enough to understand.

Second, I went to tutorials n they saw me doing the work Like??? Are you blind?? You where right there while I was doing your work and u say I’m CHEATING??

AND THEY WANTED ME TO SHOW MY WORK

Which sounds normal duh BUT WE USED A CALCULATING WEBSITE

it’s like showing someone a Walmart bout muffin and them asking you how you made it

Like??? BRO IDK WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO???

And I broke down

I think quietly?? I ranted to ppl about it n they understand but ik I was being overly emotional

AND ITS SO EMBARRASSING

I went home early that day ;-;

[jschoc]

valentines is over. THANK GOD OML IT TOOK SM ENERGY WTF

[nekomeary]

I've been anxious this past few days because of my past issues. I tried to be a better person but I always end up as the villain. They keep bringing up my past issues and now I'm anxious and have been thinking if I stop talking to them because of this. Should I?

[a-persistent-cat]

I applaud anyone who stands by their beliefs even when they are told by virtually everyone that they are wrong. But I can’t support someone who judges others based on their idea of morality and completely devalues anyone who disagrees with it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to believe that it is not just okay, but somehow morally required, to judge people for not following their moral code. Like if I see someone doing something I think is wrong, I should call them out on it or else I am somehow morally bankrupt for just ignoring it. Which is where the problem stems. I want EVERYONE to stand up for their own beliefs, but I also want people to acknowledge that their beliefs are THEIR BELIEFS, and not objective truths, and that people are going to hold very different beliefs from them, and they have NO RIGHT to judge a person’s entire existence based on the fact that they don’t hold the same beliefs as them.

Maybe I’m just sick of the fact that no one acknowledges intent anymore. It’s all “you did something I think is wrong, and there’s no way you can justify that because it goes against my beliefs so your beliefs don’t matter, so you are from this point and for the rest of eternity a terrible person with no chance for redemption”.

I mean, it would be different if someone were to say “I know that’s wrong and I’m going to do it anyway”. But if someone does something you don’t like because they LEGITIMATELY DO NOT SEE IT AS WRONG, how can you judge someone for that? I’m not even saying that there aren’t people who have some seriously fucked up ideas of what is right and wrong, that most people would agree are objectively wrong. And that’s where I fail to find an acceptable answer. Where is the line between ‘I disagree with that, but I accept it because I understand that is just a different way of looking at things’ and ‘I disagree with that because it is truly terrible, and I CANNOT accept it“? I feel there IS a line, but I think a lot of people aren’t really seeing any difference between the two, or they draw that line directly outside of their own beliefs rather than even consider other people’s beliefs. Either I agree with you completely, and you are good, or you are demon spawn from the ninth circle of hell and I am allowed to treat you as such.