#diaryposting and ranting

[velvetporcelain]

i don’t give a fuck.

i don’t give a fuck.

i am a liar.

you’re in my fucking veins

you fuck.

-x

[freakydiary]

Is it bad that I’m scared to get a job? I’m 17 and had my first job at 16 I’m currently unemployed and feel guilty for not working but I’m scared to work my job life was kinda scary not to complain but how can grown people be so immature? I thought they would have some sort of maturity or patience but I’ve been met with aggression multiple times!

I’m scared to work because I’m scared of them yelling at me I know i shouldn't complain cuz any work is good work but I don’t want to get things thrown at me again!! I’m also scared of rejection what if I never get a job cuz I’m not good enough?

I’m scared, sometimes I think of just cutting life short before it gets too complicated.

[andtheghost]

I can’t fucking STAND when people pretend to be stupid.

Like if you actually don’t know something, okay. That’s not your fault. I’m not going to get pissed at you for legitimately not knowing something. Or at the very least I’m going to wait until you’re not around to get pissed.

But if you’re acting like you don’t know something that’s just common sense, sorry, no. That’s just pretending to be stupid.

[f2l1p3]

Gonna use Tumblr to as a diary or journal to spew out nonsense and whatever I feel like ranting or venting about.

[echolaliaplayer]

Diarypost

I can't give you what you want. You say you don't want anything more from me but I don't think you would have wanted the conversation we did have if that was the case. "Don't wait for me" I am a fucking coward and you deserve so much better.

It's not even having just known you for as long as I have. We've grown together, sure. Especially since you started transition watching that growth has been indescribable.

But there's an innocence about you that feels like incuriosity to me at this point. I know you too well. It's an incuriosity borne from how people treat you and I never want to do that to you as well. I have the same stink sometimes now. I know the smell. Every one of us does.

Sorry that this is how I reward the earnestness I talk about needing to see in people. Sorry the months of restlessness and trepidation led to this. You were so brave and I cowered immediately.

It's not like I didn't notice. It's just easy to put out of my mind. We've known each other so long and I can just stumble blindly and happily through fraught territory for you with my own cultivated incuriosity and still consider myself above you. HOW. I've needed you too.

I showed you, excitedly, photo after photo of myself. You were like a cat behind the butcher's window. I'm not even upset, I fucking love external validation. But no one in your position could be happy with that and I'm sorry I put you through it in ignorance.

"Don't wait for me" I know I have issues with being physical with people but even if I magically fixed those tomorrow you would not be physically attractive to me. You're not even unattractive. I just do not and cannot think about you like that.

I know about your own issues. There's no way I could say that that would read that way to you. I've rejected others with far fewer tools to deal with rejection than you possess. So it's cowardice, because hurting one would hurt me this time.

I can give you one thing. Compared to others that have tried to kiss me the way you did it didn't feel like I was something being run to, like shelter, like a warm body. I felt loved.

Love someone better. Maybe you'd see how broad the options are if I said this all to you in person. You deserve kinder words than 1 am drunken phone rants is all I know.

I need to see you thrive the way I need to see all of us thrive. My love for you is general and yours for me is specific. I cannot give you what you want.

[kataninjaa]

i HATE when ppl ask me if im socially overwhelmed uwu 🥺🥺 whenever i go quiet at a party like babygirl im just vibing shut the fuck up

[rantingofasmallorganism]

February 6th 2023: Birthday Bashes, Possible Promotions, and Creating Controlled Chaos

Dear endless void that is the internet, so much for posting once a week huh.

It’s been 12 days since I posted and much has happened in those days. This past weekend I went to the keys to celebrate my best friend's birthday, we have this little “not so private” beach we go to when we visit the upper keys and we spent the day inebriated, swimming, and eating. Of course, cause underage drinking is frowned upon by the law, we hid our drinks in our reusable Starbucks cups and called it a day. Personally, I used strawberry acai with lemonade mixed with Alani Nu Breezberry and watermelon-flavored malibu.

Now, before I disclose the following information, I feel the need to mention that the drinking took place from around 10:30 in the morning till about 2 in the afternoon. Also, I had eaten before drinking and stopped before I had lunch. So throughout three and a half hours, I consumed about thirteen ounces of malibu on my own along with some sips of soju.|

We had lunch at this small burger place called M.E.A.T eatery and taproom. What made us decide to spend our money here wasn't a photo of the food or even the fact it was featured on "diners, drive-in, and dives", but a shirt we saw on Instagram that said, "You can't beat our meat."

Now I am an adult turning 20 in late March. I make monthly car payments and insurance payments ahead of time. In addition to this, I am a full-time student and work almost full time and am in line to get a promotion. I'd say I am responsible. However, there is a little part of me that I can only describe as a 14-year-old boy who has to laugh at things like that. "You can't beat our meat." God damn was the right. Those burgers were so good. On top of that their smoked potato salad has me drooling just thinking about them.

Overall we had a blast, we donned cowboy hats and played country music and what my cousin likes to call "old white people music". This consists of music such as that of Jimmy Buffets' "Margaritaville". We got back to my cousin's house, and dinned on pizza, soda, and slutty brownies while watching "Crazy Rich Asians". To say I love that movie is an understatement. It was a fucking masterpiece. Just absolute gold. From the script to casting to costume and set design. A solid ten out of ten.

Now today has been crazy. I woke up late and missed my first class, what a fucking joy, my only other class for today is my journalism class. This, my dear void, is where I sit and type up what you're reading. This is funny because we are on the topic of different media formats and my professor mentioned blogs and social media. She asked who has a blog and I raised my hand. Technically I have two, this one and another one on this same hell site but It's a fanfiction blog. She asked how many followers and what type of blog.

Did I answer honestly?

Of fucking course I didn't, at least not completely.

I said it's a blog where I test different concepts I want to write on and different writing styles and that I had somewhere between 900 and 1000 followers. Which is all true. What I left out was that it is a fanfiction blog mainly catering to the shows supernatural, sherlock, and marvel. I am a junior in college majoring in psych and pre-med. I do not need my cohort to learn that I am a fanfiction writer. It's not something I am ashamed of, but I know the jokes (usually are made lovingly) would never end, and that not what I need.

Some might think "pre-med and psych? Why are you taking a journalism class?" A shocker for many people (including my father), people actually have hobbies. Mine is writing. So I like to learn of all forms and styles. Creative writing, journalism, creative writing, academic research. I want to know all of it and everything that there is to know. I've published a book, won writing contests, and still run a blog, and post my ramblings onto this public forum as if it's a private diary as a way to vent. To say I like writing is an understatement. Speaking of liking things and hobbies. I like...No. I love variety. I had to rinse and repeat and I love the spontaneity of life. I also need to keep to a routine so I don't spiral out of controll and lose track of life. Recently, I've felt almost that my life has become stagnant again. I cannot put words to the way I hate stagnation.

Yes, I know people need to rest after making progress to recharge and restock energy and resources before continuing on tackling long-term goals. But I hate to stay still for too long. Usually, I need to do something small to change up my day and its scratches the ich until I find my next footing. This time it wasn't as simple as changing the scenery while doing my homework. I almost impulsively went for a walk in the forest area near my house.

Is this the type of activity that causes a person to die in a horror movie?

Yes.

Was I aware of this?

Yes

Did I do it?

No

Why?     

I got a call from my boss.    

For the past year or so I have been trying to become a shift manager at my job. Not only for the five-dollar pay raise but also due to the fact it would look great on my resume and offer me experience that would do me good in the long-term future.

 It got to the point where I've been frustrated with my job. I've been trying to move up the ladder and haven't gotten anywhere but getting fewer hours. Granted it has been the slow season for our industry and job but still. It's aggravating.

Then an angel shines down upon me and stops me from being a stereotypical dumbass horror movie character and my phone rings. My manager tells me about the opening, how to apply, and what the application and interview process looks like. Any idea of venturing into a body of woods by myself evaporated faster than it spawned and I applied to the position as fast as possible.

Now the chaos I've been looking for. The new energy flow in my life. Trying to land that position. Aside from trying to get straight A's this semester and taking a break during the summer, now I have this. Especially since I'm taking almost four months off from school and have open availability with my job. At 20 an hour, for a 60-hour paycheck, I'll make more than my monthly expenses. I'll make more in that paycheck than I do currently in a month.

I have earned this promotion, I've busted my ass and done anything and everything I can short of trying to seduce the higher-ups, and I set standards in life that prevent me from doing so.

Now I depart from this post and I am off to use the restroom and head home as my professor is ending class. Have a great day and stay safe. Till next time.

  -your blogger

[s-atrn]

Telephone Wires

Let me tell you what it feels like not being able to say what you want to say. I live in a squatter area, unowned, and nameless. My neighbor does their everyday routine of karaoke and drinking, dramatic schemes, and fighting. People who don’t consider other people’s opinions of the matter are never capable of listening. I feel like the witness, the middle of everything, I can only watch and hear what they want to broadcast on the streets. Sometimes I like to speculate, and sometimes I want to chop my ears off like Van Gogh did.

I am at this point where I feel that people only stay with me because I say the things they want to hear, I can't blame them. This world has been infested with noises and knowing that I sometimes willingly imagine myself as this telephone they can always put up on their lips and hang up whenever they want to.

Telephone wires should have both ends. I feel like I’ve given my end too freely. I'm tired of being your telephone. What's a call if there's nobody on the other side of the line anyway?

From 'Telephone Wires', by s-atrn

[freakydiary]

I HATE BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL

Like I will literally do something SO embarrassing bc i was being emotional

Example 1 Friday

I was literally crying bc yet again grades

But not only grades I was crying bc of my future such as

-Im getting older and I still can’t do basic things

-im literally so dumb how am I going to collage

-do I have collage money

-is it better if I kms now instead of dealing with everything

All those thoughts

And my dumb ass emotions crumbled when the teacher basically called me a cheater

Look this might sound stupid but it made me feel hurt

First, it made me feel they didn’t expect me to get it they didn’t think I was good enough smart enough to understand.

Second, I went to tutorials n they saw me doing the work Like??? Are you blind?? You where right there while I was doing your work and u say I’m CHEATING??

AND THEY WANTED ME TO SHOW MY WORK

Which sounds normal duh BUT WE USED A CALCULATING WEBSITE

it’s like showing someone a Walmart bout muffin and them asking you how you made it

Like??? BRO IDK WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO???

And I broke down

I think quietly?? I ranted to ppl about it n they understand but ik I was being overly emotional

AND ITS SO EMBARRASSING

I went home early that day ;-;

[raihanafunoon-blog]

Save Me From My Prejudices

21st Jan:

A slump on my throat/

A storm swirling in my pharynx

I couldn’t keep it in,

when the monster roared.

Slipped out from my tongue

“All men are the same”

A whisper. A sigh. A regret.

Let’s not pay a visit to prejudice,

for it’d be unfair to 

all the kind hearts of men out there.

22nd Jan:

Morning dew & a heart felt sunlight hue,

calmness to the soul,

in the form of a man of kindness.

Kindness stirred a mumble inside me

“Maybe not all of them are the same?”

A doubtful hope. A rhetorical question.

Smiling all day, my heart sways to the ringtone,

of kindness at my door,

my last string of hope.

23rd Jan:

The clock struck 12,

midnight befalls;

Chores & to do lists

to check off.

A demon in these walls,

intolerable of peace or light,

or anything good at all;

barrier to my working hours;

Storms a drama with

irrational rulings and 

characteristics of hypocrisy.

This human devoid of humanity,

infamous for the birth of traumas.

Oh Lord, keep us safe from this dark.

— Raihana Funoon

[andtheghost]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when things that should be simple are difficult.

Like when your health insurance can only be accessed through their website, but their website only works once a week after a ritual in which you turn counterclockwise three times, sacrifice a rooster, and throw some salt over your shoulder while saying the magic words that you can find on their website, but their website ISN’T WORKING, so you don’t know the magic words, and if you call them to get help because their website isn’t working, they tell you to go to the website, or you can get transferred to customer care, where you’ll then be transferred to a supervisor, who will tell you to USE THE DAMN WEBSITE.

Look, I’m all for automation. I would prefer to avoid human interaction when possible, and I would remove the actual phone function from my phone if I could. I love the idea of being able to manage my healthcare on a website. But if you’re giving me no other option, please make your website work. I’m not a programmer or IT or anything, but I do know there are millions of websites that work just fine out there, I know it’s possible. And considering this is a HEALTH INSURANCE website, are you legit trying to tell me you don’t have the money to get someone to fix your shit?

[a-persistent-cat]

I applaud anyone who stands by their beliefs even when they are told by virtually everyone that they are wrong. But I can’t support someone who judges others based on their idea of morality and completely devalues anyone who disagrees with it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to believe that it is not just okay, but somehow morally required, to judge people for not following their moral code. Like if I see someone doing something I think is wrong, I should call them out on it or else I am somehow morally bankrupt for just ignoring it. Which is where the problem stems. I want EVERYONE to stand up for their own beliefs, but I also want people to acknowledge that their beliefs are THEIR BELIEFS, and not objective truths, and that people are going to hold very different beliefs from them, and they have NO RIGHT to judge a person’s entire existence based on the fact that they don’t hold the same beliefs as them.

Maybe I’m just sick of the fact that no one acknowledges intent anymore. It’s all “you did something I think is wrong, and there’s no way you can justify that because it goes against my beliefs so your beliefs don’t matter, so you are from this point and for the rest of eternity a terrible person with no chance for redemption”.

I mean, it would be different if someone were to say “I know that’s wrong and I’m going to do it anyway”. But if someone does something you don’t like because they LEGITIMATELY DO NOT SEE IT AS WRONG, how can you judge someone for that? I’m not even saying that there aren’t people who have some seriously fucked up ideas of what is right and wrong, that most people would agree are objectively wrong. And that’s where I fail to find an acceptable answer. Where is the line between ‘I disagree with that, but I accept it because I understand that is just a different way of looking at things’ and ‘I disagree with that because it is truly terrible, and I CANNOT accept it“? I feel there IS a line, but I think a lot of people aren’t really seeing any difference between the two, or they draw that line directly outside of their own beliefs rather than even consider other people’s beliefs. Either I agree with you completely, and you are good, or you are demon spawn from the ninth circle of hell and I am allowed to treat you as such.

[chromaticturtle]

I write letters. I never got to give you yours. The first, was about how much I appricated your attentiveness and passion. The second, was plagued by the negatives and emotion of the break up. I rewrote it at least 5 times, each one getting scrapped and tossed to the side because I couldn't get it right. I couldn't not project my feelings onto the paper. Finally, I gave up. Even after we got back together, my mind was preparing for it. For the inevitable final break up. The perks of raw dogging mental illness. I gave up on conveying my feelings in that letter. You were my first everything, but regrettably, the first to not receive my love through a letter.

[kataninjaa]

man im ngl i rlly dont get the hype for the umbrella academy :")) like its fun enough but its also pretty racist and EXTREMELY ableist like all the time, theres the constant incest which is weirdly common in gerard ways comic work which is uh 😳 also the acting isnt great imo idk im like halfway season 3 and im still not that into it no hate or whatever ig

[silentlydying]

Just went to my chemistry class, God damn it was crowded as fuck. But I still found my friends and sat with them. I can already tell this is going to be a hell. Well, that is school I guess. I am not ready tbh, I don't remember the last time I was ready for anything actually. Things have just been....happening for the past few years and I am literally just going wherever the wind takes me lmao. I have physics class next, wonder how much torture that will bring me.

[velvetporcelain]

i hate him, i will hate him forever. he broke the chain. he betrayed our connection. he is a fucking coward. i have given him something so sacred and he has used it for your average everyday things.

i curse my naivety. when you’re an animal who has survived a trap, nothing is ever the same.

i am loosing hope in human connection, everyone wants to fuck but no one wants to feel. And that’s a shame, i am convinced people choose one or the other— fuck with no feelings and disrespect the sacred exchange— or fuck with feelings and gain a deeper connection to the unmet parts of you.

sure- is it painful? Yes, when it’s over and they throw you away like a cum rag. Like you were just an inanimate object the entire time. And do you know what that does to soft core woman? devastation, a rumbling hate fills you and you can’t stop hating until you stop hurting.

I hate him so much that it helps with the hurting. I have wasted enough time and feminine power on him, please stop fucking talking about him! He was nothing but a husk of a man.

rage and tenderness existing simultaneously in the same body- a body only built for tenderness—

a delicacy. he will pay the price every day he wakes up- suffering the loss will never get easier, his spirit never reaching its full potential, weighed down by the absence of light. He will never be able to look at another woman and not think of me.

ew. Fuck this- I don’t want to talk about him anymore, I don’t want my thoughts keeping him alive.

time to release this feeling from my muscles. time to become the woman I have always wanted to be.

I love me, deeply.

-x