#diagnosed with perfectionism

[stan-morley]

all my OOMFs* understand this; Can You say the Same?

*One Ofmy Morley Friends

[buttonloops]

today I played this short browser game about anxiety and uhhh I think it lightly rewired my brain???

https://ncase.me/anxiety/

this game makes you roleplay the anxiety and choose which things are scariest. which is a very powerful strategy. actually articulating the things you're scared of, right?

but some of the anxieties the author chose .....are things I hadn't identified as anxiety.

Like. The crippling fear of being a bad person and the way it manifests in compulsively reposting horrible news stories, or ghosting new people because you're afraid that by seeking human connection and being into someone you're inherently exploiting them.

I uhh.

I have a very very strong fear of being a bad person.

This is unsurprising, given that I grew up in a rigid fundamentalist framework, hearing over and over that we're all depraved sinners and everything we do is inherently wicked.

(...although, even within that framework, the people who raised me would say we need to accept our own imperfection and throw ourselves on the divine unconditional love and forgiveness, that the whole *point* is it's impossible to be perfect)

(which. interesting. I absorbed the "total depravity" but the "unconditional redemption" never sunk in.)

(interesting that this year my therapist introduced me to acceptance and commitment therapy)

but I sure do spend a lot of time worried about being a bad person. letting myself be taken advantage of because I don't want to be a bad person. getting stuck in indecision because if I don't find the perfect ideal solution then I'm a failure. avoiding people because what if I hurt them. but then I'm contributing to the loneliness and isolation problems so there's no winning against the anxiety.

it feels like I've spent so much of my life in the "zero hit points" stage of that game I linked above.

like I learned a long time ago that everything is going to hurt all the time and my anxiety is going to use everything against me so I might as well just distract myself and wait for life to go by. so I forget what it even feels like to do things because I want to, not because I've worked myself into an anxious lather and forced myself to

but the whole point of acceptance and commitment therapy is turning that upside down. Accepting that the fear will be there, and doing the things you want to do anyway.

Accepting that the anxiety dog is gonna bark but not letting it stop you from living.

I have more to say about writing but that can be a separate post

[monards]

guys I’d be unstoppable without self doubt & the worst case of perfectionism known to man

[screamingfrenchfries]

y'all is it normal to have a giant ass to-do list written out, and then have one of the things on that list to be to ORGANIZE said to-do list?????

[donatellosleftgoggle]

Burnout:

It's become a routine, at every break i get, to just fall apart. I spend weeks upon weeks pushing myself too far, ignoring my physical, mental, + emotional health in favour of working. Then when I get a moment to breathe, I break down. Becoming a shell of a person. I don't speak to anyone outside of my immediate family in these moments. I avoid calling my friends, even when I really want to or should. I sit there for days on end doing nothing.

Then, said break ends. I don't feel proud of my accomplishments, I don't feel well rested after having time off. I just constantly feel unfathomable guilt because nothing seems to be going right anymore. It doesn't matter that I'm thriving in an academic environment, that I've got an amazing support network, and that I'm your average perfectionist overachiever who seems to be excelling at everything I do. None of that fucking matters. I'm so tired and exhausted all the time. I can't keep doing this, I can't keep being this high achieving excellent well rounded person because it's costing me everything. I am so exhausted and done with living moment to moment just praying that one day I will get a real and full break.

I can't keep living like this because eventually I know that it will kill me. On the other hand, I don't know how to do anything else. I have to put my all into everything I do or I've failed by my standards. I'm stuck between completely giving up or doing this until I explode. A constant balancing act of giving up everything I've put my entire life and soul into, or pushing on knowing that it will wear me down to the point that I can't take it anymore. Either I stop trying and fade into the dust, or I go completely supernova.

At this point I'm not sure which one would be worse.

[hearts-hunger]

now i'm reading up on why i can't answer texts and i'm getting information that is explaining like. a lot of my problems in life 🧍‍♀️

[himblebo]

My mom: I don’t think you’re autistic stop saying that

Also my mom, repeatedly: stop doing that what the fuck is wrong with you

[bigthingsforeverintheworks]

I really need to stop going to the explore page (or me_irl)

This isn't really directed at the meme it's more of just a rant/vent

Despite going to a gifted school for like 5 years, I learned that being gifted was a neurodivergency... on tumblr looking at the nd-culture-is blog (love you). As for what it does... no clue? It makes you smarter but that's all I know, something something you make different connectons.

I've thankfully never experienced gifted kid burnout because 1) gifted school 2) anxiety trainwreck but this really does kind of apply. I'm a lot better at violin than i should be for the amount of work i'm putting in and it scares me, but at the same time I yearn to be able to draw better than a stick figure (just saying it's all shapes doesn't help) and it's that sort of admiration/jealousy of the craft that inspires me, and it might be so for other people.

If not... I'm sorry :(

However I do think work ethic is somewhat learn-able at least in theory. I know brains are wacky but like get a friend (who's either learning with you or already knows) and just like tell them 'hey i want to learn this' and then they hold you accountable, but at the same time you develop the intrinsic reward of having worked hard as well as the extrinsic motivation you set yourself up for.

Regardless, this sort of giving up is just bad (shocking!), don't be so pessimistic (I mean this could be misssing the context of "me having acknowledged by weakness and working to overcome it" sequel meme but this feels a lot more like a doomer 'idk guys' meme

[homo-house]

It feels so wrong that one person could have so many pathologies but alas

[cleolinda]

I’m trying to plan out something fun to do, but it involves New Skills and Learning Software and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known, and my clinically-diagnosed anxiety is rearing up at every step. My mom’s life motto is “Work the problem,” so I'm trying to remember that every time I hit a speed bump. What's the next step in dealing with this problem? What question do you need to google, what article do you need to read, what peripheral do you need to research?

The thing is, I've noticed that every time in my life I make a bunch of confident promises and give myself a rousing pep talk, my executive functioning folds immediately. Like a lawn chair. Just--gone. So we're not doing that this time; I'm tricking myself into not noticing that I'm accomplishing anything. We are all going to have to deal with my anxiety (and yours as well, if you want) and learn to accept it and work alongside it. Because I've noticed that when I'm--let's say, when I let myself be ~vulnerable with the universe--I tend to get further. Maybe subconsciously I reduce tension by saying, "Look, I never said I would definitely do it." On the other hand, maybe lowering expectations for myself makes me really want to exceed those expectations. (The only thing worse than being a perfectionist is being someone who wants to exceed perfectionism. I'm a recovering Gifted Kid™, yeah.) So, anyway, I feel like talking about it because I know you are out there, Anxiety Nation. I know you Get It.

How bad do you want this? What enthusiasm brought you here? Would anything explode, would anyone die if you failed?

[compassionatereminders]

Hi! I wanted to answer the anon who was asking about what ADHD meds do & don’t help with as someone who was late-diagnosed and started meds this year. However, the effect of ADHD meds and even experience of ADHD itself varies heavily from person to person, so do keep that in mind!

DO:

- Actually hearing and retaining what people are saying. I was never able to fully experience a college lecture without panic because of only hearing bits and bobs of the lecture, going in one ear and out the other. I can truly focus and actually respond to what people are saying in a single line of thought without desperately trying to stimulate myself as much as possible to maybe get 1/2 of the detail to stick in my brain.

- Time blindness!! At first starting meds it felt like the day went for 500 years. I felt so much slower and mentally calmer, and I was able to complete “simple” tasks in under 15-20 minutes that could normally take me up to 3 hours due to distractions.

- Memory! Off my meds I have an enormously hard time remembering anything I’m trying to accomplish. I bounce from task to task without ever finishing it. On meds I’m able to think “I need to do laundry” and I just. Do the fucking laundry. It’s magical and I’ve cried more than once thinking about how much I’ve spent my life thinking I’m stupid or lazy for not being able to “just do the thing” like everyone else.

- Shutting down/fearful procrastination— I would be stuck doing nothing for days and days because I would want to do a task so badly but overly think about it and essentially paralyze myself in the decision making/getting started process. When I’m on my meds I can just do the fucking thing! Even if I don’t really feel like it! When before I practically had to have the exact perfect circumstance and could never create them, I can just plop myself somewhere and do the fucking thing. Just like I’ve been told all my life— “Even if you don’t want to, do it anyways” except now I have the actual ability to do that like everyone else. Before it was like everyone else was telling me to turn on a light, but I had no switch.

DON’T:

- Help with hyperfixation. Sometimes I can fixate even worse when I’m on my meds, just because my mind is so single stream that I’m able to do things for even more excessive periods. I burn myself out accidentally a lot quicker if I don’t provide myself with manual distractions to take breaks from daily/academic tasks.

- Immediately fix you. It was hard to start meds because I had to unlearn a lot of habits I had developed to cope with my undiagnosed ADHD— such as constantly moving, stimulating myself, having candy, etc. Just because the day became longer didn’t mean my time management became awesome either. I’m still working on tools that help ADHD with my meds!

- Not really a don’t but more so an unexpected side effect was becoming very intensely angry or upset when the medicine wears off. I struggle with emotional dysfunction already but the anger was so severe and I didn’t know that ADHD meds wearing off can cause that.

- Work 100% all of the time. Some days things like stress, poor sleep, poor diet, etc, can alter the way the same dose of meds works for you. Especially if you are nicotine dependent or a regular caffeine consumer, the way your meds work can change on a day by day basis. Some days I feel like the meds aren’t working at all, but more often than not there’s still a difference between myself being unmedicated and medicated.

- Instantly make you better at studying/task completion. Apparently having ADHD for years made me so extremely avoidant of many things that I just don’t have the skill set to do them well yet. Like studying, for example. I still struggle with extreme perfectionism that impedes me outside of ADHD paralysis.

- I’m gonna say it twice but they DONT FIX YOU ON THEIR OWN. Yes, they make your life fucking way better than before especially if you’re an adult with undiagnosed ADHD, but you have to learn how to use tools and learn skills to support yourself for the medication to help you to the max capability! I will definitely say that being on meds helped overhaul my mindset when I’m off meds and improved my perception of myself, but again, the meds can only get me so far!

I hope this helped anon!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share this! I hope anon sees it 💕

[tarysande]

ADHD

I had ADHD for over thirty years before it was diagnosed, and part of the reason why it took so long is because a few specific things absolutely did not resonate with me. At all. And I saw them listed as "symptoms" of ADHD ALL THE TIME.

So, I thought I'd write up a quick list in case it helps someone else out there see past the stereotypes that are too often used as diagnostics.

ADHDers struggle with reading/words/speech etc.

ADHDers have a history of poor grades or attention at school.

ADHDers have a history of drug and/or alcohol abuse.

ADHDers can't sit still.

And how did I differ?

I read constantly. In fact, one might say I HYPERFOCUS on reading. I would rather read information than listen to it. (Reason #1 that I just can't get into podcasts!) The problem has never been reading--it's stopping reading. I'm a professional writer and editor with a background in acting. Words have never been a problem. Do some ADHDers struggle with words? Hell, yeah. Do ALL ADHDers struggle with words? Nope. Not even close. (PS: A lot of ADHDers who struggle with words may actually also have other learning struggles, such as dyslexia. ADHD loooooves a comorbidity!)

This is still SUCH a persistent myth. Even the psychologist who diagnosed me was hesitant because I had stellar grades all through my education. The more research they do, however, the more they realize that other things (autism, giftedness, etc.) can actually mask or mitigate the "typical" symptoms of ADHD that lead to it being diagnosed at school. And if you're an ADHDer who, say, hyperfocuses on learning (because it's cool! and you learn new things all the time!), or who has developed extremely effective coping mechanisms (perfectionism, people-pleasing, etc.), or who deliberately sticks to "safe" subjects to avoid challenge and possible failure, grades are NOT a good measure of ADHD. (Look into what it means to be "twice exceptional"--you may find a list of traits that resonates a lot more!)

ADHDers are out there looking for anything that'll give them a dopamine hit. Boredom is deadly. And the mix of novelty-seeking and low inhibition can often result in risky behavior. However, this can manifest in many, many ways. Drugs, alcohol, sexual partners? None of that was relevant to me. Spending, however? Especially spending money I didn't have on things I didn't need just to feel that itty bitty thrill of OOH SOMETHING NEW! ... yeah, that was a real problem. But not one I usually saw on those symptom lists, even though ADHD+finances can result in HUGE and life-altering problems.

Even bearing in mind that there are different presentations of ADHD--and that inattentive is one of them--ADHD does NOT always present as physical restlessness. Often, mental restlessness--racing thoughts, daydreaming, distractability, inability to "turn off your brain" to get enough sleep--slips through the diagnostic cracks and can be FAR more disruptive to one's health and happiness. And, again, many ADHDers develop coping mechanisms that can end up being very unhealthy or unsustainable in the long term. (I keep my ADHD in my thumb, for example. I can be perfectly still for a long, long time. However, my right thumb fidgets almost constantly. It's weird. Now that I've noticed it, I can't unsee it.)

I guess what I'm saying is ... nothing is set in stone where ADHD is concerned, so don't be afraid to dig deeper, especially if some aspects hit hard. Exploration is a good thing. Questioning is a good thing.

[m1ssunderstanding]

Hello, can I ask you as well (since i'd be interested in your opinion), do you think Paul is autistic? Only if you want to answer!

Hey!

So I don't know who else you asked, but I hope they give you a better answer then I will. I do know more than some people about autism, as my husband and son are both on the spectrum, but I also feel like I don't know anything at all, you know? I also only know the part of Paul that is publicly available. I know a lot more than most people, but I don't know him. All of this to say, I don't feel qualified to answer.

Some people will argue that it's none of our business and we shouldn't be diagnosing strangers on the internet, and I would agree to an extent. But to me, that argument ("it's bad to label people so I'll assume everyone is neurotypical because anything else is bad) feels the same as when people are like "it's bad to speculate on sexuality so I'll assume everyone is straight because anything else is bad". Neurodivergence is valid. Queerness is valid. So speculate all you want, I say, as long as you do it respectfully to the person and the community.

As far as Paul is concerned, he is the most prolific and successful singer/songwriter of all time, and people who are that successful in a creative field are often in some way not typical. There are also other behaviors, such as struggling to use words to express himself, intense masking, generally either extremely awkward or extremely gregarious social abilities, synesthesia, controlling behavior, insensitivity, sensory processing differences, tics or repetitive grooming behaviors, and perfectionism. Many of these traits could also be attributed to trauma. And maybe some things are both trauma and natural neurodivergence.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this. Is Paul autistic? Maybe. And there's nothing wrong with digging into that. But we have no real way of knowing.

If you want a bit more on Paul's not typical attributes, I recommend this episode of AKOM.

As always with asks, I'm interested in your thoughts on the subject too. Thanks for the question!

[scarabjewels]

What Mad Girl Movies Taught Me:

Never Be Like Me

(Lessons From Helter Skelter and Black Swan)

Beauty and perfectionism has been ingrained to how we build our self identity, social acceptability and self worth. This just has to stop. So here I am, sharing my opinions and experience, in hopes that someone who is struggling the same way finds this and say " wow, I am enough. The world is just fucked up".

Let's get on to it as I dissect the moral lessons two beloved movies of mad women we can all learn from.

Helter Skelter: Beauty As A Trend is Never Achievable

I have noticed how fucked up body trends are, in all known genders yes, but especially the heterosexual ones.

It really is so fucked up how it is normal to treat the body like a moldable accessory, when it's literally what works hard keep you alive because it is you! In just a span of a decade from 2015 to 2024, the trends over body aesthetics is crazy. I can tell you that sexism and ingrained toxicity in social constructs are alive and maybe even so flourishing with globalisation, whilst civil wars are coexisting. It's crazy (but that's another conversation).

Lately, another wave of Heroin Chic is hitting the influencer network, this wave has been a long time coming, especially during and after the pandemic. People have been trying to get healthy, yes, but for the wrong reasons, so much so that people just try to look healthy when in fact they got there from the artificial place.

Just around mid-2010, big ass and a tiny waist were all the rage. Yes, it opened up the door to the body types acceptance but also glamorized it, too much. Then by 2020, healthy body figures became the rage again: abs, toned muscles and no fat. Interestingly, body positivity also came along with the trend, opening the new target audience in markets: the plus size. Here we are at mid 2020, where heroine chic came back, along with toned look. The influence of this trend came with the build of many celebrities losing weight, such as Kim Kardashian removing her buttlift, Christina Aguilera looking like she was in her early 20s again, Nikoavokado coming back with relatively a drastically changed body and many more.

I will be honest that I accidentally jumped into this trend train. I lost weight drastically in a span of 6 months, due to self harming habits. (Please be warned of the terms I am using to describe what happened to me, I did not get diagnosed, even when it is very obvious what is happening to me). Ever since I was younger, I unconsciously trained myself to not eat when I am upset which led to repercussions I am yet to recover from. My weight would fluctuate all the time as a teenager and even now as an adult, as I get upset for longer periods of time, and the stress of that period still stays even after I feel better. So my eating habits would have split days of completely normal times to eat or literally starving because I slept in the whole day, that is my journey right now which is actually quite better than before. I would be physically incapable of even digesting food properly, my stomach would reject just the thought of eating again, which would only happen if I try to eat outside of the house (very specific I know), yet I would eat just fine at home. I couldn't eat because it would literally hurt. It was the worst periods of my life honestly. I couldn't function well, I couldn't sleep , one time I fainted at work from extreme fatigue.

Needless to say, I lost too much weight. Not skin -bone, but a drastic comparison from before. I am not happy, I am not moving much, and I feel like I am not enough, because now I am developing body dysmorphia. I was fine when I was a little over weight, I am jolly, active and full of life (not all the time, but most is pretty good!) I moved a lot, I am talking about long walks and trekking, and it was just for FUN. I loved it. Now, I can barely move and at age 22, my bones would "pop" or "creak" just from an occasional stretch or kneeling.

Look at what happened to the patients of the clinic where Lilico and other people were obsessed with beauty. Suicide, because they couldn't afford to lose their new look. They would rather die beautiful than live. Lilico is fucked up in her own way, yet her actions' main motivation is because of the delicious power she has from her perfected beautiful appearance. Fame, a rich guy who is obsessed with her, money, easy manipulation of others. She wanted it all. She wants to be what everyone wants, and just from her monologues, you can tell she hated every single minute of it, especially in the manga. She treated herself like a perfect product no one should ever dare to one up, yet she knew she was just a product, that her market value will end eventually. That girl went bat shit crazy. She was addicted to the good stuff her socially praised beauty was. It is obviously not worth it!

Oh here is one too: ageism. Look, it is well and alive before so is today. The amount of males who told me women have a ticking clock of attractiveness is frustratingly high and even exists in younger generations. Age is the number of years you have been alive on this earth, not a set of intervals of attractiveness.

Like what the detective said: "Youth is beautiful but not inherently beauty". You know what you get with age? Wisdom, even more beauty, journeys of epics and living life to the fullest.

Look at the Golden Girls. If you ever have a chance to watch that show, you find that dating at an older age is great and sometimes rocky, like any type of dating. Their age in that show is supposed to be around 50 to 60, and they were ACTIVELY DATING. They even tackled the insecurities of being older, having wrinkles, a hanging stomach, and being unattractive, and it is always countered. It isn't true what they say, that you are attractive at only a certain age. Honestly, I prefer the type of dating in an older age. You MOSTLY know what you want from the other, and because you have gone through a lot already, it's faster to move on. Also, these ladies mostly dated men AROUND THEIR AGE. Now, this is important too. Males have told me that men just age better with time, and that's not true at all. It depends heavily on each individual, irregardless of age and gender. The Golden Girls dated handsome men, overweight men, men of different races and religions, average men, etc. They like to get to know the person (Blanch, though, is so hyperactive, so maybe not always getting to know them for who they are, but she does value traditional dating) because that is way more valuable than their looks.

Lilico didn't even like anyone, not even herself. Probably just her sister, she loves her but well she is Lilico so toxic af. Sex is not even making love to her, it's a business transaction, a tool for manipulation, and a means to an end. That's fucked up.

Let's this be a cautionary tale: achieving society's beauty will never be worth it.

I discussed said toxic beauty standards. Now, let's move one ahead with the toxicity of perfectionism.

Black Swan: There is No "Perfect"

Perfect? No, she was brilliant, but she was never "perfect". Perfectionism is so toxic in itself already, I know because I used to participate in it too.

I wanted to be perfect in writing the best, it didn't matter to me if I was not on the top ten highest grades in class, as long as I am the best in that one thing I am good at. However, my story is not close enough to Nina's extremely perfectionist behaviour, so I will share one that is closer to that tale as well as the point the movie and I am trying to make.

I am Asian (Filipino) and just from above, I can say that that really is the school system here, yes being a nerd is normal and being the TOP NERD was so important, I saw people broke down because they didn't win at a class competition. Toxic, right? Self-worth was associated with how good you are at academics and those over-achieving people envy others who had it easy. I was one of those who didn't struggle with academics as much, I got good grades , even when I didn't study. University did humble me, of course. Still, it doesn't bother me if I got a bad grade or a good grade. But the comments I hear from the one who worked hard to be "the best", damn. I once had a classmate who really wanted the best record in her academics. She was obsessed with it. Losing sleep, losing patience, and losing her mental health, basically. I did ask her once when she was stressing about not getting in a higher rank in the top ten, I asked her : "Does it matter?"I didn't mean it as a serious thing, but it came out like that because she replied,"It matters to me. " The tone was "I want to win." Look, her hardworking personality is ENOUGH to get her a job (she really wanted a job to get out of the house), I just wish she wasn't stressing out about winning so much. Back then, I remember her being in a bad mood, because she didn't sleep working on a project or she had a bad group mate (to be fair to her, everyone hated that person for good reason). She was ENOUGH, and I hope she sees that about herself now.

I think sacrifice is discussed a lot when talking about toxic perfectionism but behaviour from the get go isn't talked about enough.

Nina Sawyers is an example of the bad behaviour of any toxic perfectionist. She would do ANYTHING to get to the top. She tried to seduce the director to get the part she wanted, she would sabotage Lily who was friendly to her all through out as a person wanting to steal her part, she would do anything that it literally messed with her head, that her fate was her karma. She was jealous, envious and had no GOOD DAY unless SHE WAS THE PERFECT ONE. She loved the praise but couldn't handle anything less.

Nina needs to cut her mother out of her life, go out and actually have fun, and have friends who she doesn't see as competition. She needs to be friends with her peers of the same interest, too. God, that girl has no friends. She is too busy with her craft, and also, her mom is overbearing, which probably drove her to isolate from others.

One other thing, like in Helter Skelter, Nina sees her skill as a marketable tool that puts her above the rest, which is also why she is so paranoid when the director keeps comparing her to Lily, feeling threatened to be replaced. The director is an asshole, but it is pretty clear that those comparisons were meant to constructive criticism, though he needed to work on that bad delivery, also I think he was unconsciously and consciously manipulative of his muses in general. The past "Oddette", before Nina, probably experienced all the build-up paranoia that led her to extreme actions such as aggressively confronting Nina and stabbing herself in the face.

No person should ever feel like they are replaceable because they are worthless. No one should ever feel like they have to be the best because that's the only way that makes them worthy. You are worthy, nonetheless of your skill.

The Conclusion: You Are Never Enough For Them, You Are Enough For You

I know I discussed Nina and Lilico as cautionary tales, but we also to acknowledge the society that drove them to that point. We, as a society, glamorize the best of what we see: skill, craft, art, beauty, age and etc. We failed to acknowledge that we are putting impossible pedestals on them. We treat "good" things as if that is what should be good. We really failed to SEE BEAUTY AND GOOD IN OTHER THINGS.

Lilico was bullied for being fat, fetishised for being fat, and praised for being perfectly beautiful. Then, she is shamed for her past.

Society really ruined her.

As for Nina, she was always praised for being perfect, yet she had no friends because she saw them as a competition. Her over bearing mother would put her down (I saw more moments of her downplaying her skill, though in hindsight, rather than actually celebrating and supporting) .That is a factor as to why she thrived in praise so much in ballet. That is where she could be loved and FREE.

Her mother failed her, and the perfectionism ruined her.

Do not ever go to that point where you find yourself going crazy over an unreachable height. Be kind to yourself, so someone is comparing to other people? wow, aren't they someone who notices too much, that person has no life to live. Also, don't do that to yourself, don't be the loser who always looks down on others, who compares themselves to greater people because they are not enough, that is not a habit you want lingering.

I also was a person who compared themselves often to others, guess where I got that from? My flesh and blood: my mother. I still remember it, she compared me to a good friend of mine and it led me to compare myself to everyone. It was ONE passive-aggressive comment. I hated it so much, and I never did that to anyone.

I learned that I hated that feeling whenever someone does it to themselves or others to that to me, I take offence and say that that is such a sorry way to think then I realized I was like that. I had friends like that, and guess what? the Habit is still here, but I now combat it because I have no friends who do that to themsleves or others. I was done with that mentality.

I don't like it, so why should I linger in that energy?

Now, I implore you to really look at the bigger picture, think and do what is truly best for you, no matter what others say.

[fierceawakening]

So I’m by no means an expert but I’m kind of fascinated by this and curious. We’ve got a woman in the shelter who is just… very insistent she doesn’t have to do things that she labels “bullshit” because she “knows her rights.” She’ll literally get a letter from the government saying she needs to do x if she wants y, and she’ll decide “it’s bullshit” and not do it and claim it’ll be fine, as if there is some Bullshit Arbiter in the sky who will correct state government if she just waits.

It’s so baffling to people that some other shelter staff have said to me they try not to ascribe things to white privilege but that’s some white bullshit. Which is amusing to me but I sure wasn’t taught to act like that so I don’t think it’s whiteness.

Anyway she just had a thing happen where apparently she thought her food stamps somewhere else were stopped but when she applied here she’s still active there. Long story short as part of what the government asked for to rectify this, they want a copy of her ID here, which she doesn’t have yet.

So in an effort to distract her from “I don’t have to do that as it’s bullshit,” I asked her if she’d like me to provide her with paperwork to get her ID

and she said

“Oh, I’m never applying for an ID here. I broke my nose and I don’t want that showing up in pictures.”

I told her if she doesn’t do that, she won’t have food stamps, which she really wants because she refuses to eat our food (“it’s disgusting, I can’t eat that!”), and she said the same thing. “I’m never applying for a new ID, I broke my nose.”

It seems pretty clearly like a mental heath thing (if you try to press her on this she gets angry and insists she’s only ever been diagnosed with ADHD.)

Super curious if it could be narcissism, because of the I can’t have any flawed images of me even if it means I can’t eat bit.

(Standard disclaimer: I have no interest in refusing to assist someone just because a scary label could possibly apply. I'm pretty sure her attitude bothers me *less* than it does some others, because I just redirect her or say "that's your choice, but there's not more I can do if you don't comply."

I’m just super curious because if you ask tumblr, narcissism is just perfectionism that makes you sad, and I’m wondering what looks different out in the real world where things can be severe.)

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

long personal post about how actually things have gotten better

warning: mention of heavy topics

so im deciding to start re-embracing the joy and sincerity and vulnerability i had at 15. Tumblr was literally my diary.

however the suicidal ideation of being 15? no. tho we still have bouts of hopelessness, but its different now. however i do rlt struggle to refer to that time as being suicidal, but im not sure there is a better word. like i did not want to live, but i did not want to die - because all of my thoughts and logic had me convinced that yeh, it could (and likely would) be worse ... moving on...

i also used to actually reblog stuff. not just scroll and like. and ive been reblogging more lately.

why wasnt i reblogging or posting?

at some point i became very repressed. i shut down self expression and started just internalising all of my lows and lots of other thoughts. i had some bad friendships and experiences and shitty home life where i adapted by just burying everything. not just the bad stuff. i was terrified of judgement and having the things i enjoyed and cared about and liked, be torn to shreds. i was also very scared to say the wrong thing (thanks Tumblr Moral Perfectionism and Purity Culture). but whilst im still not comfortable sharing my passions and emotions IRL... thats just common sense. its mostly family and experience has taught me that they will insult me. i am a lot less afraid of cringe. and im a lot more confident in my own thoughts and opinions. we could also talk about how fandom died for me in 2016 and iykyk. like i lost hope and didn't see the point trying to care again if loss was inevitable. its one of those grand philosophical questions and my answer was that it was better to have no joy or love than it was to risk having something and suffering the pain of losing it... but that is an anxiety mindset. you cannot be happy living out of caution. the greatest joy comes not without risk.

anyways, for a few years now, ive really been on the up. i got some diagnoses which meant I could finally start to understand myself and what was going on and why, and I could learn to manage it. And im not just talking mental/neurodivergence. i was also really physically sick for a long time and im still dealing with the trauma of that because noone fucking believed me (ps. if anyone knew me during that time and you did believe me. thanks. but also despite my memory being shit, ive got to say noone rly knew me during that time. i was very shutdown and had very limited interaction with anyone.) and all i just kept hearing about during that time was how lazy I was and how i must have a really low pain tolerance but ANYWAY. point is, im doing better.

still not living in a perfect situation, and im still not well (i never will be, such is the nature of "chronic" ) but im not living in a state of fear and dread every single day. im in a much better place.

am i exhausted constantly bc i now have a fulltime job and it is unnecessarily stressful and also physically demanding and also i have very little energy to begin with? yeh. but also do i love my job? also yes.

do i have very real concerns that im going to burn out and/or my condition will worsen and i will be unable to work and support myself and i wont have a safety net? also yeh. thats that bouts of hopelessness i mentioned earlier.

but mostly, im doing okay.

i dont have as many friendships as i used to, or any especially close friends but, the people i do have in my life are good people. i dont feel constantly scared that i will say the wrong thing - something embarrassing or awkward or questionable - and that they will abandon me. there is a sense of security.

i dont rly have anyone that I feel completely comfortable and relaxed around but im getting there. Like very almost there, for the first time in my entire life. i can see the possibility of being accepted and at ease. and it is really only me holding myself back. (one day i will figure out how to relax).

i constantly joke about having cured my anxiety but honestly? i kind of did. the thought patterns are still there but I'm so much better equipped to recognise and manage those thoughts. my every action is no longer dictated by my anxiety. most of the time I'm barely aware of what im doing. which thats its own issue... But im no longer in a perpetual state of hypervigilance and that is good. im not even on antidepressants anymore. I've got the anxiety under control, not the other way around.

if 15 year old me met me now- she would be slightly disappointed that i didnt have my own place - but otherwise she would be so shocked at how well i function and how confident i am and how happy i am, and shocked that i now actually want to live a life.

im also, as i said, making an effort to actually give a fuck again. im gonna start caring about things and im not gonna shut up about it.

im going to be more open and honest. and im going to learn how to be me.

being vulnerable is the absolute most terrifying thing but thats my goal. thats the necessary risk. it won't come easily or naturally or right away, but i will get there.

things are looking up.