#depending on mood and weeks for work!
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hello hello! guess who was bored and decided to take a crack at being the mother of humanity~? this is descriptive, semi-selective and theory based eve from hazbin hotel ~! pinned by lee.
#⟠Ⱐâ into the garden of eden . â ⧞ â° promo â±#hazbin hotel rp#hazbin rp#helluva boss rp#helluva roleplay#helluva boss roleplay#hazbin hotel roleplay#anime rp#manga rp#roleplay#i d i d it : D#will be semi-active too#depending on mood and weeks for work!#artwork for eve is done by me!#my art <3#hazbin hotel promo#rp promo#hh rp#hb rp#hb roleplay
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Day 18 of @featheryphoenix skktober!!
#bsd#art#skktober#soukoku#skk#bungou stray dogs#fanart#chuuya nakahara#dazai osamu#chuuya#bsd chuuya#busy week but I'm back to work X3#i feel like Chuuya enjoys cuddles a lot#Dazai i think depends on the mood but he is probably touch starved so...#âthe moodâ is always when he is with Chuuya#and yes i gave Dazai my own socks because he would def use them
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how do u draw so much so fast
well,
#the short answer is autism and ritalin. btw#the long answer is: i wake up anywhere between 730-0900. i draw. if i have work when i come back i go and i draw.#i go to bed anywhere between 0100 and 0230. i wake up the next day and i draw.#i dont draw fast and in fact i get distracted and/or procrastinate quite often#i just have 16 hour days! every day! i am awake for 16 hours! sometimes more depending on the general mood! [cursed emoji here]#and like! wtf do you even do at that point?? how do you fill a 16 hour day? an 110 hour week? an almost 6000 hr year?#i draw! i have been drawing *seriously* since grade 2! and i have *seriously* loved the persona series since like mid/late 2017!#for those of you keeping score at home; i am 19! 2017 was grade 7 for me! ive loved this series for almost a full third of my life!#[continued emotional rant cut for length] but this is my community and my arts been the way i interact with this community since#(looks at my blog archive) 2019 when i posted my first persona art! please dont look at any of that now tho lmao!#so i guess. if the long answer needs to be short too then the long answer is love!!!! its always been love!!!! AND ALSO STILL RITALIN!!!!!!#asks & requests#personal
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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((Ah... September is really going to be retail therapy month. I thought I was stressed now, but apparently, it's going to get worse. This is fine.png))
#muneo talks#neo at work#neo on mobile#((had to do a quick vent/ being like if I'm hella stressed for a while... yeah))#((my activity really going to depend on my mood and energy levels))#((I'm looking at lots of unpaid overtime next week lol. this is fine.))
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wip wtuesday
as the worst season of academia befalls us (finals) and i have to hide in my cave (the studio) for the next couple weeks in order to make it through, here's a little wip update :) these are short excerpts from the five fics currently filed under my "working" folder, in no particular order:
second hand heart â girldad nico au (or: recently put on ltir captain of the new jersey devils jack hughes accidentally gets roped into babysitting au)
hallmark au â currently untitled holiday vacation resort au where jack is the owner of this cute little cabin getaway and nico's an exec who's in desperate need of some r&r... this is basically just a quest to see how many hallmark tropes i can smush into one fic (answer? a lot.)
time loop au â currently untitled twist on a time loop au... :)
certain as the sun â beauty and the beast/swan lake fusion au... fantasy and magic and stuck in close quarters with rising tensions (and stakes)! oh my!
natural causes â you know how jack and nico both went on ir at the same time for a bit? yeah. i have nothing else to say for myself here.
#the number and selection of fics in my 'working' folder changes on a bi-weekly basis depending on mood#i have like 50+ ideas hanging around my docs and what i'm actively working on changes frequently#HOWEVER. i've become very emotionally attached to three of these and they're likely to be the next fics i post (likely in the new year)#bc the other two need extensive work/rework and are a little frustrating for me at the moment so they're on the back burner#also i refuse to ever celebrate wip wednesday and i know it's still tuesday somewhere rn so that's what we're going with#anyway yeah#don't expect much from me for a few weeks as i trudge through the trenches (finish final projects) and fight on the front lines (take exams#lil.snippets
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yet again, i have put off all my homework for the last day. i feel like this week i deserve a little more forgiveness for it, though.
reasons aside, the result is the same. im locking in for an extended study session. here's hoping this one doesn't go as badly as last week's did.
#speculation nation#i did manage to finish most of my work last week. but it was still incredibly unpleasant.#and my mood today is... hm.#idk. ive put on some psychedelic rock and we are going to hope that can get me to chill out enough to focus on this damn homework.#i have my psychological testing in a few weeks and they mentioned that bringing in my transcript will likely help them#so they can see my grades that wildly oscillate between good and bad depending on the semester and how the adhd treats me#im just gonna hope it's enough.#im actually feeling rather bad lol but im locking in anyways. im here to learn for the next 9 or so hours. lol
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01. Jinri and Social Media - Twitter
jinri doesn't have an official twitter account outside of the one that was made for the group in the past, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have an account to see what fans are up to. read: user fivewallz, an account apparently created in 2017 dedicated to mirrorworld myworld. not much is know about the user behind the handle outside of the screen name aj and the fact they are a fan of myworld (and potentially true north, although not confirmed). the account is full of reposts and liked tweets over the years, yet none of the posts originated from the user itself. activity on the account is sporadic and direct messages are not able to be sent to the account.
bonus: a few tweets from fans that jinri thinks about very often
#[ im having fun with this... maybe expect to see more depending if im in the mood throughout the week ]#[ can u tell i'm putting off actually working on her pages again lmfao but yes she is going through a revamp once again ]#[ i also did not properly edit this tbh it's almost 2am.. so the pics might change later we'll see ]#tag tbd
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i keep having to like fight for my life at the pharmacy to get prescriptions filled and I had a call with my T doctor that was supposed to be a few weeks follow up about switching to T gel, but I havenât yet gotten the fucking gel because insurance sent it back for prior authorization and this guy is too fucking overbooked to remember to do that and/or this hospital just fucking sucks at communicating between doctors and the pharmacy.
so we had our call to check in and im desperately just like can you do the prior authorization so I can actually start this med like fucking PLEASE Iâm so tired!! and he responded âare you okay you sound pretty distressedâ and I was clenching my fists to try and respond cause YES. I AM DISTRESSED. I keep having to call and fight for every medicine I need to function as a basic human being and be the person I want to be! Iâm so dysphoric right now I want to die but my hands shake like a fucking vibrator every time I try and stab myself so I need to switch my method of T to something not a needle! and Iâm constantly fighting for my life to get my adhd meds filled and not to be a meth-head but i legit donât know how I functioned for 27 fucking years and made it through GRAD SCHOOL without meds cause my brain is so much clearer and I function so much better when I can actually get my thoughts in order and focus for real.
so yeah!! Iâm in distress!!! I want my brain to work and I want my body to look and function how I need it to!! and this doctorâs blasĂ© attitude to not being able to get my prescriptions filled is going to be the death of me!!!
#shhh sharkie#LIKE SPECIFICALLY THAT ITS THE PRESCRIPTION IS WAITING ON HIM!!!!!!!!!!#YEAH IM IN DISTRESS CAUSE IVE BEEN CALLING YOUR OFFICE AND THE PHARMACY FOR TWO WEEKS NOW#AND ITS FULLY DEPENDENT ON YOU MY GUY#FILL OUT THE FORMS SO FUCKING HELP ME GOD JESUS FUCKING CHRIST#YEAH IM IN DISTRESS. I JUST WANT MY BRAIN TO WORK AND MY BODY TO COOPOERATE WITH WHAT I WANT IT TO LOOK LIKE#i just. also being on T is a legit mood stabilizer for me.#and I know part of being off it is my own fault cause i do technically have all the prescription! I just canât with needles right now.#and weekly is hard for me to remember. daily is easy. i take plenty of other daily meds.#I think I do need to switch to a different doctor in this practice cause this is what happens every single fucking time#is he gives me a prescription and then I have to message him way later on cause it never fucking filled cause he forgot to do something#actually will maybe check the patient portal and see if i can request someone else lmao. but like really. yeah this sucks i want to be done.
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when you get this ask could you perhaps maybe bless us with 5 of your fav songs (currently or of all time), and then send this ask to 5 of your mutuals who you think have good taste!
whipping out this old meme to say: sorry iâm basic and also have never once made a âfavoritesâ list without agonizing intensely đ so i narrowed it down to âfavorite songs that have been used in hockey fancamsâ. HOWMSTEVER i also struggled with that. so. in no order are five songs shuffled from my fc songs playlist:
i cheated already i forgot we need to include anything hippo campus. yes i had to no i donât even care which song (fc specific⊠bambi⊠semi-proâŠ) theyâre my favorite band
sarah - alex g / astrid- glaive (*two songs but same vibes. itâs fine)
make out - julia nunes
junk of the heart (happy) - the kooks
paâlante - hurray for the riffraff / thy mission - the garden (cheating again but these are both knox songs to me so they can be in one)
good old fashioned lover boy - queen
#THANK YOU BESTIEEEEEEE đ„°đđ„°đâșïž#OH GOD IâM TERRIBLE AT MAKING LISTS#<- second reaction after having the first reaction of đ„°đ„șđđŠâșïž messages!!! from beloved mutual!!!#liv in the replies#like??? weâve got some varied taste? it depends so much on mood??? also even language đ#i also CANNOT listen to songs on repeat. you know the algorithm where spotifyïżœïżœïżœs like oh you liked this? weâre putting it on every playlist#i need the opposite. if i heard it three days ago i donât want to hear it for the next week thank you so much đ#honorable mention on this list to âcrimson to chromeâ by friko which iâm currently obsessed with &would love to make a drw legacy fancam to#nova scotia - magic man/texas#no rush - maude latour#i got - young the giant#sorry i completely changed the rules of the ask game. yeah yeah i know. look at it itâs got anxiety now. everybody i ask this to:#do your version not mine lol#other things that got put here as i worked through myself but still donât LOVE because i couldnât capture or explain the vibes like.#hippo campus is my favorite band but also vance joy needs to be on there but then like. classics? what does favorite mean? ????#OKY IâM DONE AGONIZING ITâS BEEN OVER 48 HOURS IâLL NEVER BE HAPPY#whitenikes
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#to be deleted#got a long work week ahead of me for thanksgiving#i will be sporadic with my posting but what a pleasure it has been to reignite my muse for Thresh again#very much appreciated to all of you for being such sports#i still have a few things in my askbox i have to answer but when the mood strikes it strikes#i'll do my best to get some replies out throughout the week but depends on my energy levels#hate full time retail but ya know... its a job#much love to all of you souls~#OOC#Mun Speaks
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mercury retrograde in aries while season 7 airs...well.
#911 abc#retrograde during ep 3 4 and 5#goes direct on 6th ep air date#good luck to the showrunner/actors and pr#hopefully things work out without too much problem#lol its also eclipse season#i will be keeping my mouth shut possibly till season 7 ends but lets see i am only human#also curious abt the 3 week break while mercury is retrograde i think the fandom mood will really depend on how 7x5 goes#words have power people so just try to be honest and have good intentions
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Art question time! How often do you draw? like in a day? three times in two weeks or months?
âŠyes
#another anon ask#all of these depending on mood#currently itâs more likeâŠonce every 2 weeks#Idk I keep attempting to draw stuff but it just doesnât wanna work#currently it feels like itâs gonna be once in 2 weeks#maybe 3
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MOON HOUSE CORE © novy2sirius
trigger warning: suicide, violence, eating, hypochondria, trauma, mental health issues âĄ
this is just a random post abt things ppl with these placements could experience âĄ
these r only abt isolated placements so take it with a grain of salt bc the whole chart matters âĄ
a lot of these r experiences iâve heard from my friends and ppl whoâve purchased readings from me directly âĄ
moon in 1h core
not being able to hide ur emotions bc theyâre literally evident on ur face, youthful beauty, constantly changing ur outlook on life depending on how u feel at the time, getting told u look young for ur age, getting mad bc boys/girls call u cute instead of hot, mothering everyone, likes to be pampered and babied, throws child-like fits if lower vibrational, being a lot like ur mom even tho sometimes u donât wanna admit it, even if ur a boy having emotional responses like a teenage girl, growing up with parents that had anger issues so now u have anger issues, being asked if ur sad all the time by ppl when ur not even sad itâs just ur resting face, having a comforting aura, ur mood instantly being ruined the moment anything makes u insecure at all, looking good in light blue and white outfits
moon in 2h core
having a cute voice, wanting to spend all ur money bc u had a bad day and r emotional, eating bc uâre emotional af, ur comfort place being a restaurant/fast food spot, having a wife who brings lots of stability to ur life, having a good singing voice, feeling emotionally connected to inanimate objects such as ur stuffed animal, not feeling happy around ppl who bring instability to ur life, spending all ur money on things related to music/food, love language is gift giving and physical touch, not feeling loved by ur partner when they donât hug u every second, feeling more comfortable around ppl who share the same values as u, only having a good work ethic when ur happy, caring abt ppl more when they spoil u with gifts
moon in 3h core
being extremely charming and able to persuade others easily, having a rly soft voice and being told u sound like a child, being scared to do anything when ur sibling/a companion doesnât come with u, feeling more emotionally connected to ppl u share similar opinions/interests with, being more talkative around ppl when ur comfortable and quiet around random ppl, posting emo stuff on social media when u were in middle school, having a lot of the same interests as ur mom, being close with ur neighbors growing up and riding bikes with them around the neighborhood and selling lemonade on the side of the road, being obsessed with romance books
moon in 4h core
playing house a lot as a kid, either being rly close with ur mom or having extreme mommy issues, being obsessed with self care related things and not being able to go to sleep without doing ur skin care routine, being emotional just by existing, coming off as emotional even when ur not emotional, feeling deep emotion for ppl and feeling attached to them and then realizing that they donât feel the same way bc uâve literally only talked for a week and u just have a problem with getting attached to ppl easily, feeling most comfortable with people that make u feel feminine, being a talented nurse or realtor, having a very nurturing aura
moon in 5h core
having a lot of hobbies that donât involve leaving ur house, being hot, ppl always telling u that u have celebrity/star vibes, having a bunch of creative ideas but being afraid to share them bc ur shy, being insanely dramatic and then later regretting it heavily, being a good actor, contemplating killing urself every time u got grounded as a kid bc ur dramatic, feeling happiest when ur by the ocean or water, being a hopeless romantic, falling in love w cancer placements but wishing u didnât, loving mango/citrus flavored foods/drinks, being scared of violent video games and wanting to play sims or minecraft instead, being rly good with kids/kids naturally loving u, growing up with egotistical parents, rewatching the same films/shows over and over bc they bring u comfort
moon in 6h core
being able to tell how someone rly feels even when they try and hide it bc u can analyze ppl rly well, loves animals and feels better when they have an emotional support pet, love language is acts of service and gift giving, having rly bad anxiety any time u leave the house (and in general) these ppl r huge homebodies, being a hypochondriac and thinking ur gonna die every time u have a single bad physical health symptom and googling ur symptoms then becoming even more worried bc google says ur abt to have a heart attack, chronic overthinker
moon in 7h core
being rly charming and having a lot of secret admirers, being scared to come outside ur comfort zone without a companion/partner with u, being fruity af, making ur friends/lovers order food for u bc ur too shy to, wanting harmony/peace and hating when someone argues with u or tries to start conflict with u but unfortunately still managing to attract lots of enemies even when u try to avoid drama, being able to negotiate with others easily, trying to be nice to ppl and killing them with kindness and u still end up getting hurt, being attractive to society but insecure abt ur looks, feeling sad if u donât look pretty at all times, moving to live near ur bf/gf bc ur too attached to be in a long distance relationship, hates hookup culture
moon in 8h core
being sexualized a lot, ppl randomly confiding in u abt their traumas when u didnât even bring anything abt it up, not being able to hookup bc youâll get too attached, having a lot of family trauma that has now affected u emotionally and made u rly defensive any time someone talks to u in a slightly off tone, being a witch, doing love spells on ur crush so theyâll like u, having dark humor, feeling like u wanna die on ur period and going insane and acting like another person and then when u go off it realizing how dramatic u were, getting a boob job, being sent d*ck/p*ssy pics a lot without even asking for them, getting inheritance from ur family, getting surgery when u were young, spiritually transforming the most when ur alone
moon in 9h core
wanting to leave ur home country and never come back, trying to run away as a kid and packing a bag then coming back bc ur scared after only getting half way down ur street, adapting to ur surroundings quickly and easily being influenced by others, having a closer connection with ur grandparents than ur actual parents, having good ethics and not vibing with ppl around u who donât, having ur first romantic relationship in college, feeling more comfortable around cultures outside of ur own or feeling more emotionally connected to cultures outside of ur own, cutting out ppl quickly when theyâre negative and when they donât support ur plans in life, having a thing for athletic boys/girls
moon in 10h core
having a star-like quality, finding comfort in being a workhorse and working all the time and using it as a way to distract urself from all ur problems in life, feeling like life is meaningless if ur not constantly going out and doing things, trying to keep things private but they end up getting out anyway, having a reputation of being a softie, feeling closer to ur dad than ur mom or having extreme daddy issues no in between, leaving behind a legacy that inspires others and touches them emotionally, being talented in careers that r an emotional outlet for u
moon in 11h core
having a very friendly aura and being able to socialize well but still sometimes having a low social battery at the same time, having a lot of influence on others and attracting a lot of ppl that r fans of u, being easily influenced and sometimes easily manipulated, having a lot of mood swings, being emotionally unpredictable, fearing being alone/dying alone and ppl abandoning u, being able to social network rly well, being closer to a step/half parent than a biological parent, throwing the best house parties, forming closer emotional connections online than in real life, being closer to ur online friends than in person friends, having a deep desire for someone to just care abt u and give u attention
moon in 12h core
having a lot of dreams that weirdly predict things almost perfectly, being obsessed with the feeling of nostalgia but also hating it at the same time, having an ethereal beauty, using astrology as a way to get an explanation for ur trauma so u can feel more validated, falling into a deep depression every time u run out of shows to watch, imagining fake scenarios in ur head abt rly bad things happening and crying over it when ur bored, looking like a mermaid/man, dwelling on the past a lot, being able to mask rly well and pretend ur someone ur not and doing it sm to fit in that u donât even know who u r anymore, struggling with mental health issues ever since u were a child and feeling like u were sad even as a kid but not knowing why, hearing ppl talk randomly when ur abt to fall asleep but no oneâs there, having a lot of hidden enemies that u may have had a close emotional connection with before that end up stabbing u in the back, feeling alone even when ur not alone
comment if u want more of these đŁïž
#moon houses#moon#moon astrology#astrology#astrology blog#astrology chart#birth chart#astrology community#astro community#moon core#astrology core
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Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.
I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.
Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.
Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwellâą, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.
The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.
Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.
I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.
So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.
If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.
Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.
Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.
And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.
And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.
I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.
Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.
Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.
I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.
#adhd#mental health#mental illness#trauma#imposter syndrome#sorry for the wall of eratic text#feeling jittery af#possibly hypomanic tbh#either way#aaaaaaaaah
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LOOKIN' LIKE MOTIVATION - hockey!r.c (+18)
requested by my #1 @zya4lifers
warnings: meantions of cheating; SMUT. pairing: sports physical therapist!reader x hockey player!rafe; friends to lovers.
Rafeâs day started the same way it had for the last two months: with a groan of pain that shot up from his knee and settled into his mood like a stubborn storm cloud.Â
He hated physical therapy, but what he hated more was sitting on the sidelines, watching his teammates on the ice while he was stuck on a cushioned table with resistance bands and an overenthusiastic sports medic, with hair pulled into a no-nonsense ponytail and a pair of blue scrubs that somehow still looked cute on you.
At least that was what he thought when he first met you.Â
But two weeks in, his hatred had morphed into something else entirely, something way more complicated. He wasnât sure when it happenedâmaybe when he caught you singing quietly along with the radio while taping up his knee, or when youâd given him that first, honest-to-God smile that wasnât out of politeness but genuine amusement at some stupid joke heâd made.
And he made a lot of those.Â
Now, sitting on that same damn table, Rafe found himself looking forward to PT in a way that had nothing to do with his injury.
You walked in, clipboard in hand, looking as professional as always. It was kind of cute, the way you tried so hard to keep things strictly professional between the two of you.
Rafe knew he got under your skinâhell, he made sure of it. He could tell by the way your eyes flicked up to meet his for just a second longer than necessary before you quickly looked away. You tried to be cool, but he knew better.
âAlright, Cameron. Howâs the knee today?â
He put on his best wounded-puppy face. âTerrible. I might never skate again.â
âShut up.â
âAnd I could be better,â Rafe drawled, his lips curling into that signature smirk. âBut seeing you always helps.â
You rolled your eyes, but he saw the faintest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.
âYou say that every time.â
âAnd I mean it every time,â he shot back, winking at you.
You tried to ignore him, busying yourself with adjusting the equipment. âLetâs focus on your knee, alright?â
âWhatever you say, Doc,â Rafe said, stretching out on the table with a lazy grin.
You rolled your eyes, but the corners of your mouth twitched up. âWeâve got to work on your pain tolerance.â
He couldnât resist. âIf I didnât know any better, Iâd say you were trying to keep me on my toes.â
Finally, you looked up, your expression deadpan.
âAnd if I didnât know any better, Iâd say you were trying to avoid actually doing your therapy, Cameron.â
Touché.
He liked the way you said his nameâlike you were in control, like you were the one calling the shots.
It was refreshing.Â
The first few minutes of the session passed in relative silence as you guided him through the exercises, your hands expertly working his injured knee. Rafe winced, but it wasnât all from the pain.
It was from trying to resist the need to say something that might actually cross the line.
But resisting wasnât really his style.
âSo, whatâs your boyfriend up to this weekend?â Rafe asked, his voice casual, but his eyes keen, watching your reaction.
You werenât the kind of girl to fall for a player, especially one with a reputation like Rafeâs.
Besides, you were already with someone. Loganâthe clean-cut, dependable defenseman from a rival school. Youâd been together for over a year, and things were great.
You looked up at him, a little caught off guard.
âOut of town.â
Rafe snorted, unable to help himself. âFigures.â
You frowned, straightening up to give him a look. That look. âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â
He shrugged, feigning innocence. âNothing.â
âHeâs busy,â you said defensively.
âToo busy for you?â he pushed, his tone dripping with faux concern. âThatâs a shame. If you were mine, Iâd make time.â
You gave him an unimpressed look, âIâm sure you would.â
âYou donât think I would?â
âI think youâve already got your hands full with the cheerleading team.âÂ
He liked to pretend you sounded jealous and not critical.Â
Rafe chuckled, the sound low and rumbling in his chest. âCheerleaders are fun and all, but theyâre not really my type.â
Okay, that was half a lie, but in his defense, he hadnât slept with anyone on the cheer squad since sophomore year in college.
You raised an eyebrow, feigning disinterest as you adjusted the strap on his knee brace. âAnd what exactly is your type, Cameron?â
He leaned in slightly, his voice dropping to a flirtatious whisper. âComplicated. Smart. Gorgeous.â
You didnât miss a beat, even as your pulse quickened. âSo, basically the opposite of you?â
He grinned, like a stupidly in love sick puppy, unbothered by the jab. âMaybe thatâs why I like you so much.â
You shook your head, trying to hide the smile threatening to break through. âYouâre relentless, you know that?â
âOnly when it comes to you,â he replied smoothly, his eyes locked on yours.
There was no denying the chemistry, no matter how hard you tried to ignore it. But you were with someone else, someone who, despite his flaws, you cared about.
Still, Rafe made it hard to remember why you were trying to resist in the first place.
âRafe, we really should focus on your PT,â you chastised, trying to steer the conversation back to safer territory.
âTrust me, mâfocusing,â he replied, his tone suggesting he wasnât talking about his knee.
You rolled your eyes, standing up straighter to put some distance between you.Â
âRight. Well, you need to focus on this next exercise. Weâre going to work on your range of motion.â
He sighed dramatically but didnât argue, watching you with a lazy smile as you moved to demonstrate the exercise.
He couldnât help but admire the way you carried yourselfâconfident, knowledgeable, and completely fucking beautiful.
It was a challenge, and Rafe Cameron loved a challenge.
As you guided his leg through the motion, your hands firm but gentle, he couldnât resist pushing a little more. âYou know, you never answered my question.â
âWhat question?â you asked, though you had a feeling you knew where this was going.
âWhat youâre doing this weekend.â
You glanced away, focusing on the movement of his knee, your fingers brushing against his skin as you adjusted the angle. âIâll probably just catch up on some work. Maybe relax.â
âSounds boring,â Rafe remarked, then adding most absolute out of pocket suggestion. âYou should let me take you out.â
You looked up sharply, caught off guard by his directness. âRafe, Iâmââ
âTaken, I know,â he interrupted, biting his tongue not to add the unfortunatelyâ. âBut that doesnât mean you canât have a little fun, does it? Just as friends.â
âJust as friends?â you echoed skeptically, knowing full well what his idea of âjust friendsâ probably entailed.
Rafe shrugged, a smirk playing on his lips. âWe could get dinner, maybe hit up a bar, talk about something other than my knee for once. It doesnât have to be a big deal.â
âNo.â
His smirk faltered, just for a second, before it came back stronger, more determined. He leaned back on the table, pretending to stretch as he tried to ignore how much your rejection hurt his feelings.
"No?" he echoed, as if the concept was foreign to him.
You crossed your arms, standing straighter. "No. We both know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to happen."
"And what exactly am I trying to do?" he asked, feigning innocence with a earth shattering smirk that told you he knew exactly what he was doing.
You rolled your eyes, refusing to get drawn into his game. "You know what. Iâm here to help you with your injury, not to entertain whatever fantasy youâve got going on."
"Who says itâs a fantasy?" he shot back, his voice lowering, taking on a more serious tone that caught you off guard. "Maybe I just want to get to know you better."
You paused, searching his face for any sign of sincerity. But he was hard to read when he wanted to be. "Rafe, you're a good guy, butâ"
"Good guy?" he interrupted, raising an eyebrow. "I donât think Iâve ever heard someone describe me like that."
"Fine," you conceded with a small smile. "Maybe âgoodâ is a stretch. But youâre not as bad as you want people to think."
Rafeâs smirk faded. It was a rare moment of vulnerability, and it made you hesitate, made you wonder if there was more to him than just the cocky, relentless flirt.
But before you could dwell on it, he was back to his usual self, flashing you that devil-may-care grin that made it hard to stay mad at him. "You know, Iâd actually take that as a compliment if it came from anyone else."
"Donât get too excited," you replied, trying to keep things light. "I still think youâre a pain in the ass."
"Yeah, but Iâm your pain in the ass," he teased, stupidly blinking his lashes up at you.
You shook your head, unable to stop the laugh that bubbled up. "You really donât give up, do you?"
"Not when it comes to something I want," he said, his voice dropping an octave.
"Cameron, this isnât going to happen. I have a boyfriend."
He shrugged, unbothered. "And? Youâre no fun. Youâre trying to kill me, arenât you?â
You handed him a water bottle, expression neutral. âYouâre just out of shape.â
âOut of shape?â He looked at her, incredulous. âDo you see this body?â
You didnât take the bait. âI see a guy whoâs been slacking off on his conditioning.â
He laughed, low and warm, as he took a sip of water. âYouâre tough. Tougher than most of the coaches Iâve had.â
You shrugged, as if it was no big deal. âSomeone has to keep you in line.â
 âLoganâs a lucky guy.â
The hockey world was small, and word got around, of course he knew his name.
âLoganâs great,â you said, a little too quickly.
Rafe nodded, his expression unreadable. âYeah, Iâm sure he is.â
He didnât push it further, though. Instead, he fell back into his usual routine of teasing and flirting.
Every time you guided his leg through a stretch or adjusted the equipment, he found his mind wandering, imagining what it would be like if things were different. If he were the one you were coming home to after a long day, if he were the one you smiled at without that guarded look in your eyes.
But you were with Logan, and as much as he hated to admit it, Rafe wasnât the kind of guy to cross that line. Not when you were clearly trying so hard to keep things professional between the two of you.
As the session wrapped up, you handed him his schedule for the next few days, âIâll see you on Thursday. Make sure you keep up with the exercises over the next couple of days, and donât overdo it.â
He took the paper from your hands, his fingers brushing against yours for the briefest of moments.
âYeah, yeah, Iâll be good,â he muttered, more to himself than to you.
âTry to stay out of trouble, okay?â
 âCanât make any promises.â
He spent the weekend bored out of his mind, thinking about youâwondering if you were with Logan, if the guy was actually smart enough to know what he had.
He hated Logan more than he hated the pain in his knee.
The guy was too perfect, too dependable, too fucking boring. And he had been praying, in a way he wouldnât admit to anyone, that something would happenâsomething that would make you see Logan for the jackass he really was. It wasnât that he thought he was a better guy; he knew his own flaws better than anyone. But he also knew that he could make you happier, make you laugh harder, make you feel things that Logan never could.
So when you walked in late to the next session, he was ready to make a joke, to tease you about finally deciding to show up.
The words died on his lips when he saw you. You werenât looking at him, not really, just muttering a half-hearted apology as you dropped your bag in the corner. But when you finally met his gaze, his chest did that stupid thing where it almost stopped. Not in a good way.
Your eyes were bloodshot red, the kind of red that came from hours of crying, from tears that wouldnât stop no matter how hard you tried. You looked exhausted, like you hadnât slept in days, and your usual spark was nowhere to be found.
His first instinct was to make a joke, to lighten the mood the way he always did, but he couldnât. Not when you looked like that.
âHey,â he said softly, his voice void of its usual cockiness. âYou okay?â
You nodded, but it was the kind of nod that was meant to shut someone up, not because you actually meant it. You were far from okay.
âYouâre late,â he said, his tone teasing, but even he could hear the concern underneath.
âI know, sorry,â you replied, your voice small, almost defeated.
Rafe frowned, his eyes narrowing as he studied you. This wasnât like you. You were always so put together, so in control, and seeing you like this wasâŠso unsettling.
âWhat happened?â he asked, more serious now, the joking tone completely gone.
You shook your head, avoiding his gaze as you busied yourself with the equipment, but Rafe wasnât going to let it go that easily. Not when he could see the pain written all over your face.
âCâmon sweetheart, whatâs going on?â he pressed, his voice soft but insistent. âDid something happen with Logan?â
The way you flinched at his name told him everything he needed to know.
Protectiveness instantly swelled inside him. Heâd always thought Logan was too good to be true, but seeing you like this confirmed it.
âDid he hurt you?â His voice was low, a dangerous edge to it that he usually kept hidden from you, saved it for the ice. âBecause if he did, I swear to Godââ
âNo,â you interrupted, your voice cracking as you finally looked at him, âI mean, yes, but⊠itâs not like that.â
His jaw clenched, his hands curling into fists at his sides. âWhat did he do?â
You hesitated, the words trapped in your throat as you tried to hold it together. But there was no point in pretending anymore, not when Rafe was looking at you like thatâlike he actually cared, like he was ready to go to war for you if thatâs what it took.
âHe cheated,â you finally whispered, your voice trembling as the tears youâd been holding back started to spill over. âI found out through a fucking DM on Instagram. Some girl⊠she just messaged me out of the blue and told me everything. And when I confronted him, he didnât even deny it. He justâjust said it wasnât a big deal.â
Rafeâs vision blurred with red-hot anger. The kind of emotion he only felt when his team was being robbed by referees or losing.
He wanted to find Logan and beat the shit out of him for making you cry, for being stupid enough to let you go. But more than that, he wanted to make you feel better, to make the hurt go away, even if he didnât know how.
âThat fucking asshole,â He growled, his voice trembling with barely controlled rage. âI swear to God, Iâllâlet me get on that ice and Iâll wipe the entire ring with his face.â
âRafe, donât,â you pleaded quickly, cutting him off. âItâs not worth it. Heâs not worth it, okay?â
His heart twisted at the broken look in your eyes, the way your voice wavered as if you didnât quite believe your own words.
âHeâs not worth you,â Rafe rebutted, stepping closer, his anger replaced by something gentler, âYou deserve better than that. Way better.â
You looked up at him, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. It wasnât like him to be so serious. But here he was, looking at you like you were the most important person in the world, and it made you want to cry even more.
âI donât know what I deserve anymore,â you admitted. He reached out, hesitating for just a second before he gently held your cheek, his thumb brushing away the tear that had finally escaped.
âYou deserve someone who knows what they have when they have you,â he reassured you, his eyes locked on yours. âSomeone who would never make you cry like this. Someone who would never, ever cheat on you.â
You swallowed hard, feeling a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill over at his words. âRafeâŠâ
âIâm serious,â he continued, not giving you a chance to doubt yourself again. âYouâre⊠youâre amazing, you know that? Any guy would be lucky to have you, and Loganâs a fucking idiot for not seeing that.â
You shook your head, trying to keep it together, but it was no use.
You started to cry, the kind of deep, gut-wrenching sobs that youâd been holding in all weekend. And before you knew it, you were collapsing into his arms, letting him hold you as you cried, his arms strong and steady around you.
He didnât say anything, didnât try to shush you or tell you everything was going to be okay. He just held you, his hand slowly rubbing your back as you let it all out, crying into his chest until there were no more tears left.
When you finally pulled back, your face red and puffy from crying, you only uttered a small, âThank you.â
Rafe nodded, his eyes practically glazed with love sickness as he looked down at you. âAnytime.â
And then, without thinking, you leaned up and pressed a soft, hesitant peck to his cheek, lingering for just a second before pulling away.
He blinked, a little stunned by the gesture, but before he could say anything, you stepped back.
âDo you mind if we reschedule for tomorrow?â you said quickly, your voice still shaky. âIâm not sure I-â
âOf course not.â
You breathed out in relief, âThank you again. Iâll see you tomorrow.â
He wanted to tell you to stay, to tell you that it was okay to not be okay, that you didnât have to face this alone.
But he knew you needed space, needed time to process everything that had happened. He could wait. Heâd wait forever for you.
âYeah,â he said softly, nodding as you turned to leave. âTomorrow.â
He wanted to be there for you, to be the one you turned to when everything fell apart. But more than that, he wanted to be the one to put you back together again, to show you that not all guys were like Loganâthat he wasnât like Logan.
And as you disappeared down the hallway, he made a silent promise to himself: he was going to make you see that. No matter what it took.
The weeks passed, each session with Rafe seamlessly flowing into the next. What started as this totally professional thing, strictly business, slowly morphed into something way more personal. His cocky jokes and playful banter had shifted into these deep conversations that actually mattered, and somewhere along the way, you found yourself getting closer to him than you ever expected.
Rafeâs knee had healed remarkably well, and now the day had arrived: his first game back on the ice.
As it drew near, a strange sense of anxiety started to mess with your head. Your life had become so closely tied to Rafeâs recovery over the past few months that the thought of him no longer needing your helpâor your companyâleft you with an unsettling emptiness.
You were going to miss him.
You had prepared yourself for the possibility that he might distance himself once he was back on the ice. After all, athletes had their own lives, their own routines, and you were just the therapist who had helped him get to this point.
But when he invited you to his first game, the gesture came as a welcome. Whether you wanted to admit it or not, heâd slowly lurked his way into your heart.Â
It was after a particularly intense session, where youâd pushed him harder than ever before, that he brought it up. You were finishing up, wiping down the equipment while he caught his breath, stretching out his legs on the bench.
âYâknow sweetheart,â Rafe started, his voice casual but with a hint of something more in it, âIâve got my first game back tomorrow night.â
You looked up, catching the not so subtle excitement in his tone.
âYeah, Iâve heard. You must be excited.â
âNervous as hell, more like it.â He chuckled, running a hand through his hair, âItâs been a long time coming. A lot of pressure to perform, yâknow?â
You nodded, understanding him. Youâd seen how hard heâd worked, how much this comeback meant to him. âYouâll do great, Cameron. Youâre more than ready.â
He smiled at that, but there was something else in his expression, something hesitant. âI was thinkingâŠmaybe you could come. To the game, I mean. Itâd be nice to have someone there whoâs seen the whole process, who knows what it took to get back on that ice.â
You felt a warmth spread through your chest. It wasnât just the invitationâit was what it represented. He didnât just see you as the therapist whoâd helped him heal.
He saw you as someone important, someone he wanted by his side as he took this next step. A friend maybe.
 âIâd love to, Rafe. I wouldnât miss it for anything.â
Relief washed over his face, followed by a grin that was equal parts gratitude and something elseâ âGood,â he said, his voice quieter now, âbecause Iâd hate for you to miss it. Youâve been a big part of this, more than you know.â
Your heart fluttered at his words, and you found yourself blushing under his gaze.Â
âIâm just doing my job,â you shook your head, but the look in his eyes told you that he saw right through your attempt to downplay it.
âYeah, well, Iâm glad itâs you,â Rafe said, his voice earnest. âI donât think I couldâve done this with anyone else.â
The sincerity in his voice, the way he looked at you made it hard to breathe. This was more than just an invitation to a game. This was him telling you, in his own way, that you mattered to himâthat you were more than just his therapist, that you were someone he wanted to keep around.
âIâm glad it was me too,â you admitted, unable to keep your eyes away from his.
âTomorrow night, then.â
âTomorrow night.â
Now, as you sit in the stands, watching Rafe skate out onto the ice, you feel a nervous anticipation that has little to do with the game itself.
Just before the puck drops, Rafe catches your eye, giving you a confident wink that sends your heart racing like a school girl. He knows what this game means, not just for him, but for you as well.
Logan is there, playing on the opposite team. You havenât seen him in exactly two months. Whatever feelings you had for him disappeared the moment you found out about his betrayal, but your ego still hurts like hell.
The energy in the arena is electric, a buzz that makes his blood hum with anticipation. His first game back, and the stakes couldnât be higherânot just because of his injury, not just because itâs a rivalry match, but because Logan is on the other side of the ice. Rafeâs jaw clenches at the thought of that bastard, the memory of your tear-streaked face still fresh in his mind.
During warm-ups, he spotted Logan, skating like he didnât have a care in the world, like he hadnât just thrown away the best thing that ever happened to him. Rafeâs grip tightens on his stick, his knuckles white against the black tape. The rage simmering beneath his skin isnât just about the game. Itâs personal.
His focus is razor-sharp, every movement precise, every play calculated. But no matter how much he tries to concentrate on the game, his eyes keep drifting back to Logan, who skates circles around the ice like he owns it.
The first period passes without incident, but by the second, the tension is boiling over. Rafe feels it building, that need to do something, to break Loganâs face in half. He doesnât just want to beat him; he wants to humiliate him, to knock that smug look off his face once and for all.
Then it happens.
Midway through the second period, Logan makes a hard hit on one of Rafeâs teammates, sending the guy crashing into the boards. The hit is clean, but itâs the arrogance in Loganâs smirk that pushes Rafe over the edge.
He doesnât hesitate.Â
He skates straight at Logan, not bothering with any pretense. If Logan wants to play dirty, he is more than ready to play dirtier. Logan barely has time to react before Rafe drops his gloves, his intent crystal clear.
âYou think you can just get away with that?â He snarls, his voice low and menacing as he shoves Logan hard in the chest, the force sending him stumbling back on his skates.
Loganâs eyes flash with surprise, quickly followed by anger. âWhat the hellâs your problem, Cameron?â
He doesnât bother with a reply.Â
He swings, his fist connecting solidly with Loganâs jaw. The satisfying crunch of bone against bone is drowned out by the roar of the crowd, but Rafe doesnât care. Heâs been waiting for this moment, waiting to unleash all the pent-up anger and frustration thatâs been eating away at him since the day you walked into that PT room with your heart shattered.
Logan staggers back, his expression twisting with fury. He recovers quickly, launching himself at Rafe with a wild swing, but Rafe is ready. He dodges the punch and counters with another one of his own, this time aiming for Loganâs ribs. He can feel the impact reverberate up his arm, but itâs not enough. He wants more.
âCome on!â He shouts, face red from all the pent-up anger simmering inside him. âIs that all youâve fucking got?â
Logan grits his teeth, struggling to keep his balance. âYouâre fucking crazy, Cameron!â
âYou haven't seen shit," He spits back, landing another punch to Loganâs midsection. âBut at least I know how to treat someone right.â
Loganâs eyes widen, the realization of what this is really about dawning on him. âThis is about her? Youâre seriously going to throw down over some girl?â
Rafeâs vision goes red at the mention of you, the casual way Logan dismisses you as âsome girl.â He doesnât care that heâs going too far, doesnât care that the refs are probably going to break this up any second. All he cares about is making Logan feel a fraction of the pain he caused you.
âYou donât get to talk about her,â He growls, grabbing Logan by the collar and yanking him close. âYou donât even get to think about her.â
Logan tries to shove him off, but Rafe is relentless, landing punch after punch, each one fueled by the memory of you crying in his arms, by the way your voice trembled when you told him what Logan had done.
By now, the refs are on them, trying to pull Rafe away, but he isnât finished. Not yet.
âYou donât deserve her,â He hisses through clenched teeth, his fist connecting with Loganâs face one last time before the refs finally manage to separate them. âYou never did.â
Logan stumbles back, his face a bloody mess, and for a brief moment, he feels a little satisfaction. But it isnât enough to stop the anger, the frustration, the overwhelming need to protect you from ever being hurt like that again.
He sits in the penalty box, his chest heaving as he tries to calm the adrenaline still pumping through his veins. He can barely hear the crowd over the sound of his own heartbeat, but he knows theyâre going wild. The fight has been brutal, and heâs given Logan exactly what he deserved. But as the rush of the fight starts to fade, he starts to overthink: how will you react?
The game ends with a hard-fought win for his team, but the victory feels hollow. As his teammates celebrate on the ice, Rafeâs thoughts are miles away, fixated on you. What if youâre pissed? What if you think heâs overstepped?
After the final whistle, he makes his way to the locker room, his mind racing. Heâs about to strip off his gear when he hears footsteps approaching, quick and determined. Before he can even turn around, the locker room door flies open, and there you are, marching straight toward him with a look on your face that he canât quite read.
Shit. Youâre mad.
âHey, listen,â he starts, his voice low and uncertain as he holds up his hands in a gesture of peace. âI know that mightâve looked bad out there, but I swearââ
You donât let him finish. Instead, you grab the front of his jersey and pull him down to your level, crashing your lips against his with a force that takes him completely off guard.
His mind goes blank as all he can focus on is the way your mouth moves against his. Itâs like nothing heâs ever felt beforeâraw, heated, desperate.
His hands instantly find your waist, gripping tightly as he pulls you flush against him, the heat of your bodies mingling in the small space between you. Your kiss is wild, all tongues and teeth, and when you bite down on his bottom lip, hard enough to make him groan, he realizes this is real.
Youâre kissing him.
âFuck,â he gasps against your mouth, his voice ragged with need. But you donât give him a chance to catch his breath, your hands threading through his hair as you deepen the kiss, your lips moving with a feverish intensity that makes his head spin.
You break away just long enough to breathe, your lips brushing against his as you whisper, âYouâre such a fucking idiot.â
The way you say it, half-growled, half-breathed, sends a shiver down his spine, and he canât help the sound that escapes him, somewhere between a moan and a groan. His grip on your waist tightens, his fingers digging into your skin as he fights to keep control, but you arenât making it easy.
You press yourself even closer, your body flush against his as you kiss him again, harder this time, more demanding. Your tongue sweeps into his mouth, claiming him, and Rafe is more than happy to let you take the lead. Heâs never felt anything like this beforeâthis urgency, this hunger that makes him want to lose himself in you completely.
You tug on his hair, tilting his head back to give yourself better access, and Rafe nearly loses it right then and there. He can feel his self-control slipping, can feel the primal need to devour you taking over, but he doesnât care. All he can think about is how badly he wants you, how desperately he needs to feel more of you.
When you pull back, your lips are swollen and glistening, your breathing just as ragged as his. You stare at him, your eyes dark with lust, and Rafe feels his heart hammering in his chest, each beat echoing with the desire pulsing through him.
âBeen waiting for over an hour to do that,â you breathe.
Rafeâs hands roam up your back, tracing the curve of your spine as he leans in, brushing his lips against your ear. When he reaches the curve of your ass, he doesnât stop. His fingers grip you there, kneading the soft flesh with a pressure that makes you gasp into his mouth, your hips instinctively pressing against his.
âThen do it again,â he murmurs, âDo whatever the hell you want to me.â
His hands are everywhere, sliding up your sides, his thumbs brushing the undersides of your breasts before moving back down to cup your ass again, pulling you even closer against him. You can feel him, hard and ready, pressing against your thigh, and it sends a wave of heat pooling low in your belly. You want himâmore than you ever wanted anyoneâand the way heâs looking at you tells you he feels the same.
Rafe lets out a low, almost guttural sound as you rock your hips against him, the pressure making him tighten his grip on you, holding you in place as he grounds himself against you. The sensation makes your breath hitch, a needy whimper escaping your lips that only spurs him on.Â
âFucking idiot,â you whisper again, your voice rough with desire as you nip at his bottom lip, pulling it between your teeth before soothing the bite with your tongue.Â
His reaction is immediate. He groans, a sound so deep and full of need that it sends a shiver down your spine. His hands flex against you, his fingers digging into your flesh as if heâs trying not to loseg control completely.
 But you can feel itâthe way heâs trembling, the way his breath is coming in harsh, uneven pants against your neck. He kisses you again, hard and desperate, his mouth moving against yours with a fervor that matches the wild pounding of your heart
But just when you think you canât take it any longer, the sound of footsteps echoes outside the door, snapping you both back to reality. You pull back, your chest heaving as you try to catch your breath, your mind spinning with the intensity of what had just happened. Heâs just staring at you, his eyes glazed with desire, his lips swollen and red from your kisses. He looks as wrecked as you feel, and it takes everything in you not to drag him back down for more.Â
But you know you shouldnât. Not here. Not now.
Except thereâs no fucking way Rafe is letting you go now. He doesnât say a word. His eyes lock onto yours, dark and filled with a raw need that makes your breath catch.Â
He doesnât ask; doesnât need to. Heâs done waiting, done pretending he can hold back.Â
Without another word, he pulls you toward the locker room, his grip firm and unyielding as he leads you through the maze of benches and lockers. Your heart races as he pushes open the door to the showers, the sound of the water echoing off the tile walls. The room is empty, the air thick with steam, and the second you step inside, heâs pouncing on you. Clothes are gone in the blink of an eye.
He presses you up against the cold tile wall, his body flushes against yours as his lips find yours again, hands running over your wet skin. His mouth moves from your lips to your neck, his tongue tracing a path down to your collarbone as he kisses, licks, and nips at your sensitive skin. You whimper, fingers threading through his hair as he drops to his knees in front of you, his lips trailing down your stomach.Â
The sensation was overwhelming, the combination of the hot water and his hot mouth on your skin driving you insane. "If you donât-" your voice trembles with need as he spreads your thighs apart, âFuck.âÂ
He looks up at you, âYeah, thatâs what I thought.âÂ
His hands grip your hips firmly. Without another word, he buries his face between your legs, his tongue flicking out to taste you. The sudden, intense pleasure makes you cry out, your hands clutching at his broad shoulders as he licks and sucks, his tongue working you over with a skill that leaves you gasping for breath. Itâs not fair.Â
This man canât possibly be real. The water splashes against your back, masking the sounds of your moans as he takes his time, driving you closer and closer to the edge with every swirl of his tongue. Your body trembles, your legs barely able to hold you up as he pushes you higher, his hands tightening on your hips as he holds you in place.
 "Oh my god," you moan, your voice breaking as you feel the pleasure building to an unbearable peak. He doesnât stop, doesnât let up until you are crying out his name, your body shuddering as your orgasm crashes over you, your nails digging into his shoulders as the pleasure rips through you.
Rafe keeps his mouth on you, drawing out your release until you are trembling, your legs shaking as you struggle to catch your breath.Â
Truth is, he doesnât want to stop. He canât get enough now that he has finally gotten a taste. He stands back up, his hands running up your sides as he kisses you again, the taste of you still on his lips. You can feel him, hard and ready against your stomach, and it only drives you crazier. Of course, this man had to be fucking huge.Â
Without breaking the kiss, he spins you around, pressing you against the wall as his hands grip your hips, pulling them back slightly. You brace yourself against the tile, your body arching as you felt the head of his cock pressing against your entrance.Â
"Oh Rafe," you groan out his name, your voice low and needy and he growls softly in response, his breath hot against your ear as he slowly pushes inside you, filling you inch by inch until he is buried to the hilt.
Rafe nearly passes out from the sight. Watching himself disappear inside you has to be his favorite sight in the entire world.Â
âSo fucking pretty.â The feeling of him stretching you, filling you completely, is almost too much to bear, and you let out a long, low moan as he begins to move, setting a slow, deliberate pace that drives you wild. The water cascades over your bodies as he thrusts into you, his hands gripping your hips tightly as he fucks you with a steady, unrelenting rhythm.Â
Each thrust pushes you harder against the wall, the cool tile a pleasing contrast to the heat between you. You can barely think, barely breathe, lost in the sensation of Rafe moving inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots with every thrust. The sound of the water mixed with the wet slap of skin against skin, your moans and gasps echoing off the walls as the pleasure built higher and higher, threatening to consume you.
 "God, you feel so fucking good," He groans, his voice rough with desire as he leans over you, his lips brushing against your ear.
 "Faster," you gasp, your voice pleading as you push back against him, needing more, needing everything. He doesnât hesitate. His pace quickening, his thrusts coming harder and faster as he drives you both toward the edge. The intensity of it is overwhelming, every nerve in your body on fire as he fucks you with a raw, desperate need that matches your own. Just when you think you couldnât take any more, you heard footsteps outside the shower, followed by a voice calling out.Â
"Cameron? You in here, man?" Rafe freezes, his body tense, his cock still buried deep inside you as he glances toward the door, his breath ragged.Â
"Yeah, Iâm here," he calls back, trying to keep his voice steady, though you could hear the strain in it.Â
"Weâre heading downtown to the bar. You coming?"
He looks down at you, all too pleased with himself, "Not tonight," he replies, his voice thick with lust. "Got something else to take care of."Â
Thereâs a pause, then a chuckle from the other side of the door. "Alright, man. Have fun."
 The footsteps retreat, and the moment the door closes, heâs moving again, thrusting into you with a renewed urgency, the near-interruption only heightening the intensity of the moment. You moan loudly, your body quaking as he drives into you with a relentless rhythm, each thrust sending you spiraling closer and closer to another orgasm.
The combination of the heat, the steam, the feel of Rafe fucking you so hard is too much, the almost getting caught. You feel yourself losing it, your entire body tightening as you reach the edge once again.
 "Come for me," He growls, his hands gripping your hips so tightly you are sure there will be bruises tomorrow. His words push you over, and you cry out as your orgasm tears through you, your body convulsing around him as the pleasure crashes over you in waves.
Rafe follows right behind you, his hips slamming into yours one last time as he comes, his body shuddering as he fills you to the brim with a low, guttural groan.Â
For a long moment, neither of you move, both of you panting, your bodies still trembling from the intensity of it all. The water continues to pour over you, washing away the evidence of your encounter as you slowly come down from the high.Â
Finally, he pulls out, turning you around to face him as he cups your face in his hands, his lips brushing softly against yours in a tender kiss thatâs so different to the rough, desperate way he just fucked you.
 "Youâre a fucking idiot," you whisper against his lips, a small, breathless laugh escaping you.Â
He chuckles softly, his thumb brushing over your cheek as he looked down at you, drowning in affection. "Yeah, but Iâm your fucking idiot."
He was fighting every fucking player on that ice ring if it meant having you again.
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