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supernova-stardust · 5 days ago

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A Habit To Kick (The Age-Old Curse)

Rated M | chapters 1 & 2 live on ao3 | total word count: 14,052 | wip

A few weeks ago, Regulus Black jumped off a bridge. It's not that he really wanted to die, but he didn't really want to live either. He didn't think anyone would care one way or another, if he's honest. Now he's stuck learning how to live.

James Potter was used to seeing Reg every day at the cafe he worked in, until one day he stopped coming in. When he finally sees the guy he's been crushing on come back into the cafe, he knew he had to take his chance at asking him out on a date.

***This fic deals with heavy themes of depression, lack of a will to live, and suicide, but will have a happy ending***

chapter 2 below the break for those who have been reading on Tumblr | 7,889 words

In the morning, Regulus managed to get out of the apartment before either Sirius or Remus stirred. When he glanced into the living room, he noticed that Sirius had abandoned his nest on the couch in favor of squeezing himself onto the tiny air mattress with Remus. Remus didn’t seem to mind, his long body was wrapped around his boyfriend, holding him close.

It wasn’t that Regulus was avoiding them, but going through his routine without being interrupted was a blessing that calmed his nerves. The medications he was on seemed to help a bit, but he didn’t think that there would ever be enough medications or substances to quiet the racing thoughts in his head. The best he had were his routines and his coping mechanisms.

On his walk towards the cafe, he decided to send Sirius a quick text telling him where he was and that he’d bring him and Remus coffee when he came home. He told himself that it was so that Sirius would know that they had coffee coming, not because he knew his brother would worry himself sick before he thought to check the shared location.

He was hoping that James wouldn’t be the one working today. As much as he was looking forward to their date, he wasn’t sure that he could come up with enough small talk to occupy the man both at the counter and during their dinner. Of course, James was working and he practically bounced out of his skin when he saw Regulus walk through the front door.

There was no line, so Regulus walked right up to the counter where James was smiling. He forced himself to soften his face as he pulled off his headphones and greeted him. "Morning, can I get—"

"Reg," James laughed, stopping Regulus from ordering his coffee. "I know how you like your coffee by now. Good morning, how are you?" He turned to pour the coffee, oblivious to the fact that he left Regulus standing at the counter a little breathless and thrown off kilter.

"Of course you do, I-I just didn’t want to assume." Regulus tried to make sure he sounded confident, but he wasn’t sure how successful he really was. "I’m fine, how are you?"

"Excited." James returned with coffee in hand and placed it gently on the counter in front of him. "I’m looking forward to our date tonight."

This time, the smile Regulus gave him was genuine and automatic. "I am too." He passed James a handful of bills and grabbed his coffee before heading to his regular seat.

Regulus was surprised to find that he was able to focus on writing much longer this morning than he had in a long time. Instead of staring at the screen wallowing at the fact that no words came to him, he was able to write a few pages as the cafe got busier throughout the morning. When someone sat at his table, he was almost able to ignore them with his headphones blocking out the sounds around him and his face buried in his laptop. It wasn’t until he felt a sharp kick to his shin that he even glanced up from his laptop, glaring as he ripped his headphones off his ears.

"Hey—" Immediately, his face softened at the man sitting across from him. "Oh, hey Evan."

"Oh, hey Evan. Are you fucking kidding me?" He kicked Regulus again, this time with more malice. "You act weird for a week, send me some cryptic goodbye text, and disappear for weeks. I had to find out from your brother what happened. You've been silent in the group chat. And all I get is oh, hey Evan."

"To be fair, Sirius told me he updated you, so I figured you weren’t worried anymore."

"Of course I was fucking worried. You’re my best friend." Evan looked at him with so much sadness in his eyes that it made Regulus squirm under his gaze. "I’m still worried. Barty says I shouldn’t be, that they wouldn’t have discharged you if you weren’t okay, but I know you. I know you know how to manipulate them into thinking you’re fine. You know how to make all of us think you’re fine when you’re really not."

"Barty is right,” Regulus replied, choosing to ignore the rest of what Evan said. “I’m fine."

"See, that actually makes me think that you’re the exact opposite of fine. Barty is never right and you’re always the first one to say it."

Regulus laughed at that. "Okay, okay. Fine. I’m stable, how’s that for an answer?"

"Now that, I’ll actually believe." Evan said as he raked his dark fingers through his platinum curls. "Did your life experiences give you any inspiration for your book?"

And just like that, Regulus was forgiven and all was back to normal with his best friend. He knew things between them would be fine, even after that first night in the hospital. In fact, the only thing that he didn’t have anxiety about was whether or not Evan would forgive him. He had stressed about everything and everyone else, even what Barty thought about him consumed Regulus’ thoughts for a time, but he knew Evan would always accept him no matter what. Despite his attempts at avoiding him all throughout their college years, every year they ended up being dorm roommates again. Later, Evan would admit that he had requested to be roomed with Regulus because he loved having such a quiet and tidy roommate. But eventually they grew attached to one another, able to communicate non-verbally in ways that he had never been able to with anyone other than his own brother. They respected one another and as time went on, their respect blossomed into a friendship that was unshakable. When Regulus had returned to their dorm after Sirius showed up in his life again, Evan was the one who convinced him to trust that his brother wanted to be a part of his life. Evan was the one who saw him sob uncontrollably over his brother and their lost time together, never once judging him. Evan was always the one who could get through to Regulus, no matter how mentally unstable he had become.

When Evan had started dating Barty, Regulus had thought that Evan was the crazy one. Barty was known on campus as a party animal–loud, unhinged, and untamed. They had met at a party that Evan insisted Regulus attend with him. Barty had offered them some pills, which they both swallowed without even questioning. They drank a series of shots together, and the three of them had become inseparable since then. Surprisingly, Barty was often the voice of reason among their little group. Despite his poor short term decision making skills—evidenced by the stick-and-poke tattoos that littered his body and the drugs often coursing through his veins—Barty was relatively level-headed. He could look at things in calculated ways that neither Regulus nor Evan ever could, balancing the weight of risk involved in everything that they did. Regulus’ anxieties often clouded his decisions, always assuming the worst outcome, and Evan simply didn’t care to think that far ahead, preferring to live in the moment and practice the mindfulness that he’d learned in his years of yoga. In a strange way, Barty and Evan seemed to have always been made for each other, and over the years Regulus shifted from feeling envious of their easy love to feeling relief that they had each other and still kept him close, never making him feel like a third-wheel or a burden.

"You know, jumping off a bridge does have its perks," Regulus said dryly. "I have been feeling inspired to write my novel again. It’s like a fresh start."

"Oh, fuck off. Your novel is a murder mystery, not some prose about the meaning of life."

"Yeah, and now I know what it feels like to nearly drown. I’m thinking of changing the entire method of murder now." Regulus sipped at his coffee as Evan balked at him, clearly unsure if Regulus was joking or not. "In other news, I have a date tonight."

"Show me his profile." Evan didn’t miss a beat at the subject change and held out his hand expectantly for Regulus’ phone. "You may say that you’re mentally stable, but I know your taste in men sucks regardless of your mental state."

This time, it was Regulus’ turn to kick his friend’s shin. "I do not. Besides, I can’t show you his profile because we didn’t meet online." His eyes flitted over to James involuntarily. He was hoping that Evan missed the movement, but of course he didn’t. Evan turned and followed his gaze to James who was behind the counter, completely engrossed in making a customer’s drink.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Evan asked a little too loudly, drawing eyes from around the cafe towards their table. James’ head lifted from where he was working and followed the sound to look between the two of them, a burning question in his eyes. Regulus mouthed a silent ‘sorry’ towards him and scowled at his friend.

"The whole cafe doesn’t need to know," Regulus said under his breath as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table on either side of his laptop. He let out a heavy sigh as he ran his fingers through his hair and then cradled his head in one hand as he watched James get back to work. "He asked me out yesterday and I said yes."

"Does he know?" Evan asked in a low voice meant for only the two of them.

"Does he know what? There’s a lot of baggage to unpack here, Ev, you’re gonna have to be a little more specific."

"Does he know you were hospitalized? Or…any of the other shit, I guess."

"No," Regulus answered simply as he sat back and closed his laptop. "I don’t think he needs to, it’s just a date."

"Reg, you’ve liked him for years. Literally I’ve listened to you lament about how beautiful that guy is for hours of my life. We both know it’s not just a date."

Regulus sipped at his coffee again before he answered. He didn’t want to admit that Evan was right, this wasn’t just a date to him. But he figured it was probably just a date to James and so he had to adjust his expectations. "It’s just a date. A first date. He doesn’t want me to bare my fucking soul before we’ve even slept together. I’m keeping my expectations low."

"I mean, he could actually care about you, you know," Evan rebutted.

"I barely know the guy. He’s just pretty. That’s it. He’ll take me on a date and realize how boring I am, we’ll have sex, and things will go back to normal. He’ll make me coffee, I’ll annoy you and Barty over how attached I am to a guy I barely know, life goes on."

"Oh, don’t do that. We both know it’ll just lead to heartbreak."

"It can't lead to heartbreak if I don't open my heart to him."

Evan hummed as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "I still think you should tell him."

"Nothing sets the mood like telling a guy you tried to kill yourself a few weeks ago." Regulus rolled his eyes. "I’m not telling him. He won’t even like me, there’s no point."

"Reg, you’ve been coming here for years. I’m pretty sure he knows you enough to like you, at least a little bit. You should tell him. I think he’d want to know, if anything at least let the guy know what he’s getting himself into if he decides to take you out on a second date. You’re a great guy, amazing even, anyone would be lucky to call you theirs, but if he’s gonna seriously pursue you he should know what he’s getting himself into. It’s only fair."

"Fine. But I’m only agreeing because I know it won’t go that far."

Evan laughed and looked at him fondly. "I missed you. I’m glad you’re still here."

"I missed you too," Regulus replied with a soft smile. He couldn’t say he was glad to still be alive, at least not honestly, but he hoped that eventually he could say that he was.

***

"I brought you both coffee," Regulus said as he came through the front door. He pushed the door closed with his hip and made his way into the living room where Sirius was scrambling off of Remus’ lap with a look of embarrassment on his face. "Don’t you dare have sex in my apartment."

Remus just gave him a wolfish smile in response.

"I shouldn’t have brought you guys coffee," Regulus sighed as he set the to-go cups down on the coffee table.

"You shouldn’t have left us to our own devices for so long," Sirius snipped back as he grabbed one of the cups. "You know I’m a restless person, Reggie. I need to get my energy out somehow."

"Disgusting, never talk to me again."

Secretly, Regulus would always be happy that Sirius and Remus were so good together. His brother deserved someone as patient and kind as Remus was. Neither of their parents had ever offered any sort of softness to them while growing up and while Regulus had grown to be closed off and avoidant of physical touch, Sirius craved tactile reminders of love and comfort. To this day, Sirius was the only person that Regulus allowed to pull him into casual hugs. None of that meant that he was okay with finding his brother and his boyfriend having sex on his couch though.

"So," Sirius said as he watched Regulus pick up the blankets off the floor and meticulously fold them. "What’s your plan for the day?"

"I was thinking that I'd keep working on my novel until I have to get ready for my date. I also have to call the therapists’ office that the receptionist recommended to me at some point. I need to get on the schedule there soon. I was reading the reviews last night and they seemed halfway decent, at least. We’ll see. Might keep looking depending on how the appointment goes."

"That’s good. It might take a bit to find the right match. Hopefully the group therapy will be a little better than Slughorn in the meantime," Sirius said in a tone that was intended to sound casual, but Regulus knew wasn’t at all.

"I can see if my therapist's office has any openings, if you want?" Remus suggested. "I’ve been going there for years."

Regulus finished folding the blankets and sat in an armchair next to the couch. "I appreciate that, but wouldn’t it be weird to see the same therapist?"

"Well, yeah, but there’s a lot of other people in her practice. The office I go to specializes in queer issues, so it’s a little different from the average therapy office." Remus shrugged. "It’s nice to see someone who I’m not worried about having secret homophobic biases, even if my issues are mundane things like work-life balance."

"Yeah, which is bullshit," Sirius whined. "I keep telling you to quit that job. You hate it and I have plenty of money to keep us comfortable without you working."

"And I keep telling you, I like having something that gives me purpose. This isn’t the time to have this conversation, love. Let’s talk about it later. I just wanted Regulus to know that there’s options, that’s all."

"Yeah, I’m not touching this," Regulus waved his hand at the two of them, "with a ten-foot pole. I’m gonna go write." He got up, grabbed the bag that he had discarded at the doorway, and headed to his room.

***

"He already knows what you look like, you know," Sirius laughed.

"I know, fuck off."

Regulus had spent the last hour getting ready and he still wasn’t happy. He felt like he had tried on every combination of his clothes in his closet and at this point. Pulling his shirts on and off had made him hot and his hair was sticking to his forehead. He groaned loudly and laid back on his bed, shirtless and annoyed.

He heard someone walking down the hall and his suspicions were confirmed that it was Sirius when he looked up to see his brother leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. "You know, he’s gonna like you no matter what you wear."

"What time is it? I feel like I need to shower again." He tried to huff a burst of air from his lungs to move the hair off of his forehead, but he was so sweaty that it did nothing.

"You’re kidding me, right?" Sirius pulled his phone from his pocket to check the time. "Reggie, you’ve only got thirty minutes until he gets here."

"I’m showering again." He pushed himself off the bed and past Sirius who just gaped at him in the hallway. He made his way to the living room. "Remus, will you pick out a shirt that matches these pants? I want to look hot, but not unobtainable." Wearing nothing but his favorite pair of black jeans, he did a spin in the middle of the room for Remus.

Remus gave him a mock salute as he stood from the couch and Regulus headed into the bathroom to shower the sweat off his body.

"Why does Remus get to pick your shirt? We all know that I have better style than him," Sirius asked from just outside the bathroom door.

"I have style," Remus rebutted.

"Sorry, love. I always think you’re adorable, but wearing over-sized sweaters is not a sense of style."

"Remus picks because he’s not my brother and I don’t want to think about how you picked out my shirt if I get laid."

"Disgusting."

"At least you won’t have to walk in on it like I almost did today. Can I shower in peace?"

"Fine, you have twenty five minutes if he shows up on time."

James showed up five minutes early.

Regulus was fluffing his hair one last time–very impressed with himself for getting his curls to sit in that perfectly undone way that he always loved–when he heard the doorbell ring. Sirius laughed and he heard Remus tell him to behave. Regulus looked himself over in the mirror again before deciding to grab his eyeliner and smudge a bit under his eyes.

"Can you let him in?" he yelled from the bathroom. "And don’t scare him, please. I’ll be ready in a minute."

Remus ended up suggesting he wear a simple black tee and while Sirius might have said that Remus didn’t have a sense of style, Regulus thought that the simplicity allowed his accessories to shine. He tucked his shirt in loosely, wore a silver-buckled belt, and put on all of his favorite rings. The finishing touch was his favorite necklace, shaped like a dagger, that dropped between his pecs. He did one final look-over in the mirror before deciding that this was as good as it was going to get and ambled his way into the living room.

"Reggie, look who’s here. And he brought me flowers." Sirius batted his eyes as he fell back onto the couch and curled up into Remus’ body. Remus lightly smacked Sirius’ leg in an attempt to make him shut up.

"Uh. N-no, I brought these for you." James held out a small bouquet of flowers towards Regulus as soon as he entered the living room. "Sorry, is this too much? It seemed like a good idea at the time and now I’m not sure if—"

"They’re lovely, thank you," Regulus interrupted with a soft smile in an attempt to save James from rambling in front of his brother. "Let me put them in some water real quick and then we can go?" He reached out to take the flowers and smelled them before he walked into the kitchen to find a vase.

"Ignore Sirius," he heard Remus say as he left the room. "He lives for making people squirm. I’m Remus, by the way. Sirius’ boyfriend."

Regulus stopped listening to their conversation as he methodically cut the stems of the flowers, filled the vase with water, and meticulously arranged each stem so they were sitting perfectly. He placed the arrangement on his counter near the window and stepped back to admire them before he returned to the living room. He had never been given flowers before and quite frankly, he always thought it was a trite tradition rooted in compulsory heterosexual norms, but now that he had received them from James? Now he understood why it was so…sweet. Sirius may have said that he hated sweet, but Regulus was finding that he was already loving every moment.

Evan was right, Regulus really was way too deep in his feelings for James already.

"Reggie, text me if you’re not coming home, yeah?" Sirius asked in a tone that carried far too much weight for such a simple request.

He tried hard not to blush at the implication, but he still felt his cheeks heat before he nodded. "Let’s go," he said as he grabbed James’ hand and led him into the hallway. He shoved his oxfords on as quickly as possible and the two of them walked out of the apartment together towards James’ car.

James drove an old Toyota that probably wished it could be retired at a junkyard, but Regulus could tell it was well taken care of, regardless of age.

When they got in the car, James turned the keys and rubbed the back of his neck. Regulus was learning that this was a nervous habit of his. "Sorry, there’s really no creature comforts in this thing, but she’s reliable." He fiddled with the radio until he found a classic rock station and made sure it was turned down low enough where they could hold a conversation without raising their voices.

"It’s fine, James. I don’t even own a car, you don’t need to impress me."

"I may not need to impress you, but I’d like to."

Regulus hummed at that and they fell into a comfortable silence as James drove. It was a few minutes before James began rambling, nervously filling the space between them with his voice.

"You and your brother seem close. I don’t have any siblings, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have someone who’s known me from birth. Is he always like that? I’ve met him before at Galactic— he thought I was hitting on him and I swear I wasn't."

"Yeah, he’s always like that," Regulus sighed. "He mostly does it to fuck with people though, don’t take it personally. Having a brother is like that."

"Like what?" James asked.

"Constantly having someone giving you a hard time. He can’t help himself. I’ve always said he needed another brother who could keep up with his bullshit."

"I’m sure you keep up with his bullshit, Reggie."

"Don’t call me that."

"Sorry, I—"

"Sirius is the only person who can call me that," Regulus interrupted before James could finish explaining himself. "Even then, I hate it. I just got sick of telling him he couldn’t anymore. He calls me it more when I tell him to stop." Really, he loved that his brother had a special nickname just between the two of them. He wouldn’t let anyone else use it because it was sacred between them. He would never, ever, admit it to Sirius though.

The silence that hung between them was anything but comfortable this time. Regulus felt self conscious about his outburst and it seemed as though James was afraid to break the silence himself. He wasn't sure if it was because James was afraid to say something wrong, but Regulus mentally kicked himself for having such a strong reaction to being called a simple nickname. He looked out the window as James drove, trying to discern where it was that they were going.

He heard James take in a breath as he drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "Look," he finally said. "Can we just… start over? I feel like I'm fucking this all up. I wasn't expecting to meet your brother and his boyfriend tonight and if I'm honest, it kind of threw me off my game."

"Your… game?"

"Yeah, like… fuck." James let out a shaky breath and when Regulus glanced over, he noticed that his brows were knit together in frustration. "I just had a whole idea in my head of how I'd greet you and when it wasn't you who answered the door, it threw me off. I practiced handing you the flowers and everything. And your brother is just— He's a lot."

"My brother is a menace, it's okay, you can say so."

"Well, he seems fun at least."

"Am I not fun enough for you, James?" Regulus asked, his voice laced with sugar sweet sarcasm.

"N-no that's not what I—"

"Relax, I'm just fucking with you." Regulus smoothed his hand on James' thigh while he continued driving them into an area of the city that he wasn't familiar with. "So, where exactly are we going?" he asked in an attempt to break the awkward tension between them.

"There's a place not too far from here that I've never been to, but the reviews are pretty good. Dolce Vita, have you been?"

"You're bringing me somewhere you've never been?" Regulus asked incredulously. "What if it's awful?"

"Then we can have a good laugh about it and go get McDonald's."

Regulus wrinkled his nose at that. "I'll take bad Italian food over McDonald's any day."

"Oh, don't tell me you don't indulge in a burger after a night of drinking now and then?" James glanced over at him with mock horror, bringing his hand to his chest.

"I really don't." There weren't many things that Regulus had held onto from his childhood, but the way he ate was definitely one of those things. He was meticulous about everything he put into his body—besides the drugs that Barty shared and the alcohol he took them with.

James hummed and brought a hand down to brush his fingers along the hand Regulus still kept on his thigh. He laced their fingers together and glanced over. "Is this okay?"

Regulus nodded before realizing that James was still driving and probably couldn't read his body language. "Yeah. This is nice."

The car ride continued with little conversation, but the silence that settled between them was comforting in a way. James' thumb rubbed soothing circles along Regulus' wrist and for once, Regulus didn't feel the compulsion to pull away. It almost felt…right. Like Regulus had been made to be putty in James' hands.

When James parked the car, Regulus watched the muscles in his hand flex as he effortlessly pulled into the parking spot using one hand. He caught himself imagining those hands roving over his body and holding him down before he was pulled from his thoughts by James bringing his hand to his lips. He placed a brief peck on the back of Regulus' hand before letting go so he could shift the car into park. Then, he turned off the ignition and grabbed his keys as he turned to smile at Regulus.

"Ready?" James asked, oblivious to the direction of Regulus' thoughts. He nodded in response and they headed into the restaurant together.

The restaurant was more quaint than Regulus had imagined, but he found he was grateful for the dim lighting and cozy booths all the same. He slid into the seat across from James and looked over at him, taking in the way his warm honey eyes seemed to become even more rich in the lighting.

James grabbed the wine menu and held it towards the middle of the table, scanning through the different options. "Do you like red or white wine?"

"Um…" Regulus didn't know how to tell James that he couldn't drink while he adjusted to his medications. Suddenly, he felt like he should have put off going on this date for at least another month, but how would he have explained that? Oh, yeah, I'd love to go out, but let's wait a bit? No, I don't have any plans—I never have plans— I just need to make sure my brain is all balanced before anything happens between us.

What a joke.

"It's okay if you don't drink, I won't either." James said, saving Regulus from having to answer as he placed the drink menu down on the table. "A friend of mine is an alcoholic, I should have known better than to assume."

"I'm not— I do usually drink." Regulus let out a breath and took a moment before carefully choosing his words. "I'm just taking a bit of a break right now for my health."

"Cool, I didn't realize you were so health conscious. You're gonna make me want to take care of myself better too."

Regulus let out a real, genuine laugh. The idea of him being health conscious was honestly the funniest joke he had heard in a long time. "I think if the tone of your muscles says anything, you're plenty health conscious."

"You've looked at my muscles?" James asked with a knowing smirk.

"Who hasn't?"

"Lesbians, probably. I'll have to ask Lils if she's noticed how fit I am next time I see her."

"Lils? Is she your friend?" Regulus asked. This was the first time James had mentioned anyone in his life and he wanted to capitalize on the opportunity to learn everything he could about the man across from him.

"Lily— Yeah, one of my best friends. Her and I grew up together. Certified earthy crunchy lesbian, through and through. Don't tell her about anything you do for your health when you meet her because she will not shut up about a natural alternative."

"You want me to meet your best friend?" Regulus could hear the disbelief lacing his own voice.

"I mean, sure. If this continues to go well." James shrugged before continuing as if this was no big deal. "Meeting each other's friends is important if we keep dating, yeah? Besides, I've already met your brother and his boyfriend. Lily is the closest I've got to a sister. Do you know what I mean? I mean— I know you have an actual brother, but do you have any friends that know you like a sibling?"

"Evan." Regulus answered immediately, ignoring the rest of James' rambling. "He's got a boyfriend, Barty, who I'm close with too. But Evan and I were roommates all through college."

James hummed in acknowledgment. Their conversation paused as the server came and took their orders.

"What was your major?" James asked, picking up the conversation where they left off once the server left their table.

"Don't laugh."

James crossed his heart in a silent promise.

"I double majored in English and Journalism." Regulus answered, bracing himself for the teasing that always came after he answered this question. "I'm an author. Well, kind of. Haven't published anything yet, so I'm not sure I get to call myself an author, but maybe some day."

"Is that what you do every morning at the cafe? Work on writing a book?"

Regulus nodded.

"What's the one you're working on right now about?"

"Murder," Regulus answered plainly.

"What?" James sputtered.

"I mostly write murder mysteries. I haven't quite figured out the whole thing, but I think in this one the murder will have been committed by the narrator and the reader won't realize it until the very end. If I deceive the reader enough with an unreliable narrator, that is." This was the first time Regulus had felt like he could tell someone about the plot of a story he had been working on before he had finalized any of the plot points. He was surprised to hear himself say the words, but as their conversation went on he was finding himself more comfortable with James by the moment.

"You're allowed to call yourself an author, Reg. You don't need to write daily or publish anything to prove that you're an author."

Regulus furrowed his brow and changed the subject, unsure of how to respond to the wisdom James had to offer. "What about you? Did you go to college?"

"I'm literally a barista."

"That doesn't mean you didn't get a degree. Lots of people don't get to use their degrees and get stuck doing things they don't want to do."

"Fair, but no." James chuckled. "I've taken quite a few classes, both at university and at independent art studios, but I haven't found anything that sticks. I do like working as a barista though. The pay is good and it leaves me with enough time to take different classes and figure out what it is that I want to do with myself. I've always been one of those people who switches between hobbies at the drop of a hat. Lately, I've been really into ceramics."

"Ceramics? Impressive."

"Sounds like it, but no. I'm not very good. Still fun though, that's what counts."

Regulus smiled softly at that. "I've never been able to do anything just for… fun."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I've always had to be great for it to be worth spending my time doing. If I wasn't, I moved on."

"But how do you know if you can become great at something if you don't spend the time to find out?" James challenged gently.

Regulus didn't have an answer to that. Their conversation lulled a bit and he found himself grateful that the server had returned with their food. They both quietly dug into their dishes and while Regulus had joked earlier about the possibility of it being terrible, everything on his plate was flavorful and cooked to perfection.

"So, I have to ask…" James trailed off, blushing slightly as he steeled himself to ask whatever was bouncing around in his head.

"I may or may not answer," Regulus deadpanned as he cut into his food.

James smiled at that. "Of course, and you don't have to, I just… I wondered what your brother meant when he asked you to let him know if you'd be home or not."

Regulus raised an eyebrow as he looked up into James' eyes. "Surely you can use your context clues to figure that one out?" he said, intentionally shifting the focus to the implication of them hooking up. He didn't want to admit to James that what Sirius was truly asking was if he had to worry about whether his brother was alive or not.

Evan was going to have a field day with how many times Regulus could have told James about his hospitalization and simply… avoided it.

"I mean, sure, but— What did you tell him you'd expect out of a first date with me?"

"James, I'm going to be very honest with you, okay? I don't date. I have men that I see one time, we hook up, and I never hear from them again."

James blanched at this. "What? Why?"

"It's too… Complicated. Messy. I'd rather just get what I need from them and move on." Regulus shrugged and continued to cut into his food as if he hadn't said the most devastating thing to the man across from him. He never admitted it in therapy, but the loneliness that had taken over his every waking thought before his attempt partially stemmed from his inability to find romantic connections with people. He knew that romantic love wasn't something that everyone needed, and that he shouldn't have based his entire self-worth upon the idea of being loved by someone, but he did. He wanted to be loved so much that it consumed him.

"So, what do you need from me?" James asked.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"I don't know. I've never done this before. I've never let someone pick me up at my home, no one's ever brought me flowers. This isn't how I normally operate. But how I normally operate isn't working anymore and you're so… sweet. You asked me out and I said yes and now we're here and I don't know what to do or how to behave, but I'm trying."

"Reg, I—"

"Please don't make this weird, I can't do weird."

"No, that's not… I just can't believe no one has ever wanted to treat you the way you deserve."

Regulus paused at that, unsure of how to respond. "Maybe I just never gave anyone the chance."

"Well," James gave him a sad smile. "I'm glad you're giving me the chance. But I think since you gave me a bit of honesty, you deserve a bit of mine too. I don't do hook-ups. I don't sleep with someone on the first date. And to be fully transparent, I've never dated a man before."

"Are you sure you're…?"

"Oh, I'm very sure." James laughed. "I just never felt connected with a man before in a way that made me comfortable enough to continue anything more than a date or two. And quite frankly, most of them wanted to move much faster than I felt comfortable with."

"Fair enough." They continued eating in silence. Regulus wasn't sure that there was any tension growing between them, but he was fast learning that James was more of the type to ramble than sit in silence if he was nervous, and so the quiet made him uneasy. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. "I hope you don't take offense to me asking. I just don't want to be someone's experiment only for them to find out it was simply a curiosity they've sated. But I'm open to moving slow. I can follow your lead."

"No offense taken. I'm just relieved to have these conversations and not have you freak out."

"Why would I be the one to freak out? You're the one with morals here. I'm the degenerate slut. You should be the one freaking out and leaving me to pay the bill."

James faked a gasp, clutching his imaginary pearls. "Why, Regulus, I would never dream of such a thing. Besides," his smirk became downright sinful as he brought his face close to Regulus', "I never said I wasn't a degenerate slut too." He sat back and leaned into his chair, raking his eyes over Regulus. "I just take a little longer to build enough connection to feel that way about someone."

"You are such a flirt for someone who doesn't fuck on a first date."

Of course, it would be Regulus' luck that the server would come with the check at that exact moment. The knowing smirk on their face was mortifying.

James started to pull out his wallet before Regulus tried to stop him. "Please, let me pay? You've been so sweet, I insist." Regulus said, pulling out his own wallet and digging for his card.

"I asked you out," James answered as he counted cash and placed it in the check holder. "I'll pay. You can plan and pay for the next date."

"Yeah? You want to go out again?" Regulus felt his heart beating far too fast at the idea of seeing James again.

James nodded, "I hope you feel the same?" His voice wavered. Regulus wasn't sure if it was because he was unsure of himself or of the situation, but he vowed to make sure that James always knew how wanted he was from here on out.

"I'd love to," Regulus answered with sincerity.

"Great," James beamed. "Let's get you home, yeah? Then Sirius can't say that anything nefarious happened while I was with you."

The drive back to his apartment was uneventful. They held hands and sneaked glances at each other. Occasionally, James would hum along to a song on the radio—a trait that Regulus decided was endearing. When they pulled up to his apartment, Regulus looked around and didn't see Sirius' car anywhere in the lot.

"Strange," he said. "I didn't think they were going out tonight."

"Did he text you at all?" James asked.

Regulus pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked for any missed calls or texts. There were a few from his group chat with his friends and upon a quick glance, he realized that they were all talking about his date tonight. For a moment, he wondered how they knew, and then he realized—Evan. He would have told Barty and Barty didn't know how to keep his mouth shut, especially when the potential of Regulus getting laid was up for discussion. He continued to sift through the notifications, but none were from Sirius.

"I didn't get a text or anything. They must have needed to go grab something quickly from the store or something." Regulus shrugged. "Want to come in?"

James quirked an eyebrow in question.

"Not— Sorry, I'm not trying…I-I mean if you wanted…" Regulus let out a breath, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck, I don't know how to do this. I had pure, innocent thoughts, I swear."

James tried his best to hold a straight face before he burst out laughing. "Oh, Reg. You're so cute when you squirm." He lifted Regulus' hand to his lips and kissed the back of his hand. "I knew what you meant, and yeah, I'd love to. It would be nice to see your place without being terrified of your brother."

"You're an asshole," Regulus pouted.

"Yeah, but you like it."

Regulus hummed playfully. "Time will tell."

As Regulus unlocked his door, he had a sudden feeling of insecurity sweep over him about his apartment. Sure, it was tidy and everything had it's perfect home, but he also filled his space with things. He had always kept so many things, to the point that Sirius would remind him that they weren't broke. But it wasn't about that. He kept anything that brought him any semblance of joy. And so his space was all plush blankets and soft pillows, tchotchkes from vacations lining his bookshelves, and of course, books. Lots and lots of books that took up every available surface. Suddenly, bringing James into his home felt extremely vulnerable.

He turned on a lamp—a small one in the entryway because he never, ever turned on 'the big light'—and turned towards James only to find him much closer than he expected. James took another step closer, invading his personal space, and looked down at him. The soft yellow from the lamp made his tan skin radiate a warm glow and Regulus' breath hitched as he took in the beauty of the man in front of him. James lifted a hand to brush a stray lock of hair behind Regulus' ear and cupped his jaw with the palm of his hand, tipping Regulus' face upwards.

"You're so beautiful, Regulus." James said. "Can I kiss you?"

"Please kiss me, James."

James' grip on his jaw tightened infinitesimally for a brief moment, but Regulus' nerves were on overdrive. He leaned into it, resisting the urge to moan at the thought of those fingers gripping him harder. James' pupils widened at the subtle movement. It felt as though they were both walking a fine line between what they wanted to do and what they should do. Losing all sense of patience, Regulus pushed himself to the balls of his feet and brushed his lips against James'.

They were both tentative at first, unsure of themselves, but then James buried a hand in Regulus' hair and suddenly he felt nothing but desire and need. Regulus' hands found James' waist and he pulled him in closer, afraid that if he let go then this would prove to have never been real. Their kisses became more urgent, hungry for each other in a way that Regulus had never experienced. He felt as though the void of loneliness was being filled with each kiss they exchanged and if he hadn't felt how fast James' heart was pounding against his chest, that would terrify him. Instead of pulling away as he normally would, he pulled closer, wanting nothing more than to be able to crawl into James and never be apart.

And then Regulus heard a throat being cleared.

James pulled away and looked over his shoulder at the intruder. The movement allowed Regulus a view of the open door and his brother standing with his arms crossed looking rather vexed.

"Fuck off," Regulus said.

"Me? I'm not the one getting railed in the hallway. This is a public space you know," Sirius said with mock horror.

"We were only kissing. And this isn't a public space, this is my apartment. Just mine. You're not even on the lease. So, fuck off."

"To be fair," Remus said as he pushed Sirius all the way through the door so he could close it behind himself. "We're staying here for another couple of weeks. Maybe we can just all be considerate of each other in the meantime, yeah?"

James' brows pinched together but he didn't ask the question that was clearly on his mind. Regulus was thankful for that, at least.

"Yeah, Reggie. Let's all be considerate. You said we couldn't have sex in the apartment. You can't either." Sirius said as he kicked off his boots and hung up his jacket.

At that, Regulus analyzed his brother a bit more closely. His hair was a mess and his clothes were rumpled in a way that didn't speak of simply being worn. "Is that why you were gone? Did you two seriously just go off to have sex and come back?"

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, baby brother," Sirius sing-songed.

"Gross." Regulus scrunched his nose in disgust.

"Okay, well, on that note," James said. "I had a wonderful time, I'll text you, okay?"

Regulus nodded. "Yeah, sounds perfect." He hesitated for a moment before deciding to lean in to give James one last kiss before he left. "I had a nice time too," he murmured, offering James a small smile meant just for him.

After James left, the three of them stood together steeping in silence in the entryway. Regulus glared at his brother while Remus looked at Sirius with amused affection.

"Well, James seems nice." Remus said in an attempt to break the awkward silence between them all.

Sirius laughed. "James seems like—"

"Shut up." Regulus interrupted. "Don't talk about him, you don't know him."

"We've all known plenty like him." Sirius rebutted.

"Love, maybe you should ask how the date went instead?" Remus offered.

"We all saw how it was going." Sirius said.

A rage that Regulus couldn't place took hold of him at that. James wasn't like that—he was the only guy that he had ever gone out with who wasn't like that—and maybe his brother was feeling particularly protective right now, but he didn't have the patience for it. He shoved at his brother, sending him stumbling back into Remus, who swayed a bit at the impact.

"I hate you," Regulus seethed. "Goodnight."

#marauders #marauders era #regulus black #james potter #jegulus #jegulus fanfiction #marauders fanfiction #james x regulus #wip #evan rosier #background wolfstar #remus lupin #sirius black #the marauders #evan and regulus #James Potter is demisexual

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treacletartlett · 3 months ago

Text

vulnerability

for the struggling girlies with anxiety♡

there's no one who you can really open up to, who you can talk about the most personal things with, but harry, he seems to be able to read you like an open book. he shows you how to make yourself feel good without guilt, he shows you how to be vulnerable with yourself and other people.

sorry guys this ended up being much longer than anticipated, I enjoyed writing this so much!

includes sexual content!

You and Harry are not actually friends, but sharing a friend group and house forced you to be friendly acquaintances, and when passing each other in the halls you greet each other with a simple greeting.

secretly, there has always been a kind of attraction you held for him, his charm, his good looks, but you never spoke about it with anyone since it didn't seem like anything past friendly attraction. unfortunately, that quickly grew into something you’d rather not speak about.

you didn't experience such feelings often, but when you did, they weren't as intense as you felt with him, which was something you struggled with a lot. you didn't enjoy the things your friends loved, or when someone tried to get it on with you your body didn't react as you wanted it to, even if it's just for wanting to know that you could feel the same as the others.

during breakfast time, you were sitting with your friends as usual. though what were unusual was that you had joined them a bit later than the rest.

you were that type of person who arrives earlier than the rest and is always on time.

your friend, neville, who was as oblivious as they come and nicely sitting next to hermione granger, who was Harry's best friend, looked at you with confusion while asking "where were you at? you're never this late to breakfast, I was almost worried."

the rough start of the morning did nothing to ease this situation.

trying to act casual, you scooped some egg and other foods on your plate, not paying attention to what you were piling your plate with. a faint pinkish tint rising on your cheeks.

“nothing, just slept late.” You mumbled loud enough for them to hear.

“I dont think that’s true,” Hermione spoke softly, that look on her face indicating she knows something suspicious was going. “you slept and woke up at the same time as me.”

hermione really knew how to put someone on the spot. while uneasily trying to make something up, Harry, who was sitting two places to Hermione's right, spoke up while holding the morning edition of The Daily Prophet.

“that doesn't matter, more importantly, Ginny, you're going to the quidditch tryouts, aren't you?” successfully steering the conversation away from you, you felt grateful for the minor save. you looked at him for a second, smiling slightly before focussing on something else.

“Yes, I'm trying out for chaser, then I have an excuse to push people.” Ginny said, but you weren’t really listening, your mind wandering.

"I'm sure you'll do great, alongside Ron of course, anyone else going? are you?" he asked you, suddenly interested. you weren't actually sure if you wanted to try out, never having been on the team yourself, but you loved quidditch, and did want to be, but with Harry as captain this year, you weren't sure how focussed you could be.

"oh well, I'm not sure. I've thought about it, but I don't know." you replied sheepishly. the lack of confidence in your voice has always had a way to embarrass you, even after such a long time. you were never able to grow into your own skin much, even after having seen all your friends grow up and get that self-confidence you lacked.

"I've seen you fly, y/n, you really should try-out! you're an amazing flyer." Ron said, which shocked you slightly, unknowing to his seeing you fly before-which you did with your friends often, late in the night- and the fact that he just praised your skills, has plastered a smile on your face and lifted some of your self-consciousness.

Harry nodded, seemingly agreeing with Ron. "yea, you definitely should, Ron and I were impressed with you! we're surprised you haven't tried out before."

your face reddened even more, and you hoped you weren't the same shade as a tomato, being put on the spot. you were really bad at getting compliments, scared you would come off as rude or arrogant by how you reply to them, so you did what you thought you should and smiled, and told them a small thank you to which they both smiled back at before resuming their conversation with Ginny, and the rest of the Gryffindors.

after breakfast, you and your friends left for classes, but the way Harry complimented you hasn't been able to leave your mind, making you lose focus for the majority of the day.

when classes ended you decided to split off from your friends a walk your own way, needing some space to clear your mind. your footsteps echoed and you grazed the wall, slightly leaning right against it. there was such a peaceful silence that it made you doze off. you weren’t paying attention to anything or anyone around, but it wasn’t needed since there weren’t anyone but you in the corridor.

Or so you thought. a small grunt escaped your mouth, the impact of walking into a wall hit you hard. but, as it turns out it wasn’t a wall. it was a someone. steadying yourself you looked up at the person you just walked into.

Harry Potter turned around and chuckled when he saw you. “You okay?" he asked, while he tried to hold in his laugh

it wasn't a hard hit as it would've been if you walked into an actual wall, but it still shocked you slightly. because of quidditch, he’s grown quite muscular, not too much, but just enough to make his back feel firm to the touch.

“Oh, right, yea sorry about that, wasn’t paying attention.” You mumbled, a faintly blushing.

“I noticed,” he chuckled. "don't worry about it, I didn't pay attention either. where were you off to?" his quick change in subject startled you, but when you collected your thoughts you croaked out your answer. "just walking around, wasn't thinking of a specific place."

He nodded, in thought, as if he carefully constructed his next question in his mind. "why were you actually late this morning? it didn't seem like anything particular, but when I saw Hermione's face, I knew she was suspicious, and most of her suspicions are justified."

this was the last thing you expected him to ask you, after he led the conversation this morning elsewhere. your face heated up in a second, reliving the memories of you this morning. you weren't sure how to reply, knowing you weren't the best of liars, and harry seemed to catch on to this rather quickly. was this the time to be honest? to tell the person you've experienced a different feeling with than the handful others you thought more than once about? it would be weird, and damn random. you and Harry weren't even real friends, this was something you wouldn't even tell your closest friends.

"well, uh, nothing. it was nothing. I was only late once, it happens. anyway I should get going." you tried to hurry off, staying casual, but it didn't work. as you walked past him, he followed you, and it seemed like he was going to stop at any given moment.

"you know, I'm not trying to embarrass you or anything, I'm just curious since your face reddened a bit when neville asked, and we haven't really spoken before, so because you're going to be on the quidditch team I thought we should try and maybe get to know each other, even if it's just a bit? anyway, whatever it is, I know it isn't nothing, and while I'm mostly someone who doesn't push, I'm also very curious, also to know you a bit, so whatever it is, don't worry, I won't find it weird or anything."

after he stopped rambling, silence filled the hall while you tried to articulate a convincing excuse. you weren't sure what he would think, and after his speech, you tried to focus on anything but his remark that you'll be on the team, when you haven't even clarified if you're trying-out. after pondering, and dragging it out for as long as you can, you stumbled a bit over your words before you managed to just throw everything out, for some reason forgetting all the reasons why you didn't want to tell him anything in the first place. he looked at you with such a look that for some reason made you think he wouldn't be caught off guard by what you were about to say.

you flushed bright red, your body having a hobby of showing your embarrassment which you've always cursed your genes for. "well, I'm not sure. so I- I think there is something wrong, or I don't know, with me. This is probably really weird, so yea," he shook his head in disagreement. "I was just- you know, I was, I don't know. I've never experienced those feelings before, even though everyone around me has, and well, you know, I also haven't had intense feelings for anyone until recently and it's really weird, I'm not sure what to do with them, so I did what everyone does and woke up early after I- after I had a-," you stopped talking for a second. "a dream, about, well, someone I think, and I thought 'I just have to try' because I wanted my body to react normally like everyone talks about, but I felt really weird and I hate discussing stuff like this, so it didn't really work out and after I felt really uncomfortable and dirty, or something, that I did that. I don't know why I won't just enjoy it like everybody else, but I guess my body just won't change or turn normal or something."

after you finished your sentence and caught your breath, you realised you rambled on to Harry for a solid second. embarrassment and disbelieve clouded your head, but Harry just listened to you talk and seemed interested in what you had to say. you could almost see the wheels turn in his head, forming a reply to your story. nerves settled low in your stomach and doubt clouded your thoughts, afraid you overshared or made him feel weird, but when he spoke, he spoke with such interest and care you suddenly forgot every worry you had.

"y/n, just because you don't experience things like others doesn't mean you can't give love to yourself. there is nothing wrong with you, or your body. just because it's deemed 'the ordinary' doesn't tell you that you have to experience it the same way as others." he stepped closer, "you don't have to 'overcome' it, because there is nothing strange about those mental barriers you set, you just have to understand what your body is telling you, without feeling disgusted. it's nature." his words felt like a caress against your back, the soft tone of his whisper a hug around you. they reassured you, settled the doubts you've had for so long a fraction, which is a fraction more than anyone has ever.

you weren't sure how to reply, this whole conversation feeling weird to you, but when you looked at him he seemed at ease. it wasn't new though, your friends loved to talk about it, and even though you didn't, you didn't want anyone to know about your 'abnormality'.

"so who's the person anyway, the one you were talking about." he asked. you looked at him, confused, not expecting him to ask that either.

"what?" you asked, absentmindedly. "you know, the person you had feelings for." you tensed. he obviously didn't know it was him, and you weren't about to tell him. "well, I-, I don't know." it was a feeble attempt, but it didn't work, obvious by Harry who started laughing.

"that was a really sad excuse, sorry." he said when he caught his breath. "it's okay, I promise I won't tell anyone." he looked eager to know, to know which person managed to activate your sex drive for the first, and probably last, time in your life. having spilled so much, you were at a loss for words. slight panic overtook you as you stayed silent, trying to come up with something.

Harry kept looking at you patiently. it was visible he really wanted to know, but he tried to hide it while you looked for something to say. the corridor almost came to an end, giving way for the grounds outside. it wasn't cold per se, but it wasn't pure sunshine either.

it was perfect.

you gave up trying to find an excuse to say that would convince him otherwise, and kept silence, hoping he'll magically forget he's asked you anything. it was pathetic, but maybe it would work.

"it isn't going to work." he spoke.

well, it was worth trying.

"you can't ignore me, or your feelings. maybe I can help you. whoever it is, I won't judge, I won't even reply, if you don't want me to." he stopped walking, standing in front of you when you two just passed a large tree. he had this puppy dog eye look, and silently begged to know the answer.

you weren't really sure why he wanted to know so bad, but for some reason it felt good knowing he wanted to know something like that, so personal. nevertheless, it was hard trying to maintain secrecy while he's looking at you like that.

"what if it were someone you knew really well?" you asked softly, slightly hinting at who it could be. you felt anxious as you avoided looking at him, your head bowed to the ground, suddenly interested in the green of the grass.

it was quiet, there seemed to be no one outside except for you two, which was highly unusual, since it's always packing with this weather, but you guessed the universe was at your side, granting you full privacy with Harry.

"then that would be just fine." he answered. his voice was calm and gentle, unlike your hoarse whisper. you wanted him to suddenly know without having to tell him, it would be much easier.

"someone you wouldn't expect, that you knew better than anyone else?" your eyes met his, awkwardly. you hoped he would just get the hint, you'll both ignore this conversation, and act like nothing happened while still being on good terms.

that seemed like the perfect scenario, right?

he stepped closer, not close enough to kiss your shoes, but enough to see the green of his eyes and feel his body heat warm you up like a fire.

"then I wouldn't mind at at," he smiled slightly, melting your heart immediately. "y/n, let me help you."

what did that mean? help you? did he understand, and choose to ignore, or he just didn't, and was pushing you to tell him? you didn't know how to reply, the silence was loud in your head.

"it's okay, I promise. just trust me, it's gonna be okay." he said when you kept silent. it seemed as if he mistook your confusion for dread of what he meant, but this was awkward enough, so you kept silent, praying in your head for this conversation to end, or for the earth to swallow you and never spit you out. they both seemed like good solutions for now.

you realised you probably looked stupid, or rude, just staying silent and ignoring Harry like this, but it was difficult trying to come up with a good reply. but you tried, needing the misery to end.

"can we just forget all this?" mid-whisper, you heard how cliche and pathetic you sounded, feeling betrayed by your inner mind voice, which sounded perfectly fine saying this line in your head.

about to turn away, your head down, Harry seemed to understand how you feel. how, when you two didn't even talk on a daily basis, did he seem to understand you so deeply when even the people closest to you can't? you get it, maybe because you've told him things you haven't told anyone else, or because his eyes are so bright it feels like they are seeing through your mind. or because to him, you're such an open book, you're feelings are just so normal, he understands more than he's ever understood before, which interests him.

"you don't have to walk away, y/n. you don't have to understand everything at once. let me help you this time, and after you can figure it out, okay? just, come with me, and I'll be there, and I won't forget, because I want to show you I understand." he took your hand in his, signalling for you to follow.

though you are grateful he didn't make you have to answer, even though his words settled in your stomach, wrapped around your head and blinded you with something you can't put a name to.

but you did, you did follow him all the way to his bed, in silence, where it was empty and just the two of you.

you felt trepidation about what was going to happen. it clicked in your head, all the talk about loving yourself and helping you. it was scary, just because you weren't sure how you and your body would react to his hands all over your skin, when you so desperately wanted to enjoy it.

the door closed, the walls radiated silence, which bounced off of every solid thing right into your eardrum, deafening you with the loudness of it. your heartbeat felt faster than before, the skin of your hand scorching hot where he held it. his eyes burned to the back of your head, seemingly unmasking everything under the veil constructed to keep your thoughts and emotions at bay.

you tried to hide it all, the subtle excitement, the dread, worry, all the fear, the inexperience. you hoped what he planned wasn't to unmask all of it, because that means being even more vulnerable with him than you've already been.

"y/n," he called softly, your name coming from his mouth like a sweet melody, it awakened something inside of you only the soft voice of him could. it was gentle, but reassuring.

you looked at him, your full attention turned to him and this moment.

"tell me when it's too much." he caressed your cheek softly, instantly creating a hot flush on my skin. "okay?" he pushed.

you nodded, your mind too lost to form legible sentences. you couldn't think, couldn't speak, even if you wanted to. you couldn't move, unless he helped you. you didn't want it to be too much, you hoped it would be just enough.

you knew Harry, you knew he knew what you needed.

"tell me what you're feeling," he leaned his forehead against yours, pulling you even closer.

the soft heat radiating off of him was different than your friends explained, everything was so much different than your friends explained.

"tell me what you want," his lips were so close, almost close enough to feel, to taste. he pulled you even closer, you were inches apart. one hand holding your face, the other feather light on your back, almost as if he's scared to hurt you by holding you too firmly. his lips got closer, and closer, until they made the lightest contact with yours.

they were soft, and tender, and even though it was only a second, a second of his lips on yours, you felt every touch of him, you felt something that made you need him even more, that made you want his lips for even just a second longer.

then, he backed you against the bed, making you lay down and pulling him on top of you, maintaining eye contact. his hands found their way to your shirt, pausing before pulling it up.

"tell me everything." his gentle tone pulled at your heart. reason left you completely, and there was no way you would ever want to stop this moment.

"may I take this off?" he questioned, so serious, but patient, and so gentle. it made you feel so safe and cared for, so comfortable in a way you didn't think possible with anyone else.

you nodded. "yes," breathless, exhilarated, assured.

you didn't think about your insecurities anymore, or your friends, or even why and how this happened. nothing is flying around in your mind anymore except for Harry, and his bright green eyes, looking adoringly at you, while his gentle hands lifted your shirt, slowly pulling it off of you.

then, his fingers went to your pants, unbuttoning, and pulling down the zipper, taking them off of you completely.

you were left in your panties, almost completely naked in contrary to Harry, who was still fully, clothed. it was unnerving, but also exciting. knowing you were actually anticipating him taking off his clothes made you feel good.

"Harry," you called.

"yes, baby?" baby. one word. four letters. the absolute most ordinary and widely used nickname for a significant other, but still, when he called you that, in that tone, it made you want him to repeat it alongside your name for hours on end.

"aren't you going to take it off?" you asked, softly.

"I will, baby. right now." he took your hand, leading it to the hem of his shirt, helping you lift it off him. slowly, his torso was exposed. light abs began peeking from underneath, soft, roughened, pale skin, scars that littered all over his body. he was truly beautiful.

you knew he had endured a lot since he was a little boy, but for some reason you didn't think it would stay with him permanently in physical form. still, for some reason you find his scars and stories beautiful.

he was perfect in an imperfect way. his ribs were sticking out slightly, his nipples were a gorgeous pink, his neck tight and leading to a sharp and hot jawline.

you weren't sure if Harry was anxious about his appearance, but either way, you were grateful that he trusted you with this.

he, his knees on either side of you, sat upright, looking at you as if expecting a comment. a speck of dread mixed with curiosity in his eyes. with every second you stayed silent, his anxiousness worsened, probably thinking you don't find him beautiful, but in truth, you just didn't know how to express your thoughts and emotions.

"harry," you sat upright, resting on your hands. "you're even more beautiful than I imagined you'd be."

a blush spread on his cheeks, looking down. it looked like he wasn't someone who is used to getting compliments, but you hoped he knew how many people saw his beauty.

"t-thank you." he managed to reply, his face pink, looking grateful and sincerely grateful.

your hands found the button of his pants, unbuttoning them while looking at him, smiling. he took your hands in his while helping you get him out of his trousers. when his zipper was undone, you pulled them down a bit before he stood up to take it off completely, leaving you both in only your underwear.

he climbed back on top of you, brushing the hair out of your face, while his hand took yours and travelled down, and down, over your breasts and nipples until they were at your panties.

they were wet already, a huge spot of moisture visible, but for some reason you weren't embarrassed, you only felt more and more turned on.

"y/n," he breathed, looking at your panties with approval, and longing. he led your fingers inside your underwear, holding your fingers against your clit, eliciting a soft moan to escape.

"God, I love hearing those sounds, you sound angelic." he said, while moving your fingers up and down your slit, the first time you actually enjoyed touching yourself.

he let go of your hand. "keep going," he said, when you stopped moving them. he pulled your panties to the side and admired you completely. "baby, you're so beautiful." and in one second he attached his lips to your nipples, sucking and licking and teasing them until they were red peaks, switching from the one to the other.

"oh, Harry." sounds you've never heard yourself make were coming out of you in strings. Harry knew how to work your body so well, it almost felt he was made for you.

"keep touching yourself," he paused teasing your breasts, and left wet trails of kisses up your neck up until he reached your lips, where he hovered above them. "I want to hear you coming by fingering yourself."

his words shocked you slightly, expecting him to do it for you, but the you remembered him telling you he would help you, now getting the full meaning of the message.

"Harry, I can't..." you trailed off, and stopped moving your fingers, even though it felt great.

he lifted you slightly by your hips to make you sit against the headboard, spreading your knees, exposing you to him completely, the ruined wet piece of cloth pushed to the side. you were breathing heavily, anticipating anything.

"I know you can, I'll help, show me baby." he replied, whispering the last part, which only felt fitting.

so you did, you circled your clit while keeping your eyes on harry. he took your hand in his and guided you towards your release. he was on his knees in front of you, close enough you could almost taste him, which you craved in this moment of vulnerability.

you pushed your middle finger in your entrance, going deeper and deeper until your finger is completely buried. at first it felt uncomfortable, but after adjusting, it was something not like any other feeling. your slickness lessened the friction, heightening the pleasure. Harry's hand brushed your hair away from your face, holding it while moving his thumb in a gentle manner.

"I know, you can do this baby, you're doing so good." he kept whispering praises to you while watching you finger yourself, his hand releasing yours to play with your clit.

the pleasure was immense, being extra sensitive because of the time passed not having been turned on while touching. Harry wasn't even inside of you and you already understood what all your friends were gassed about.

you increased your pace, desperately chasing that release. harry watched so intently how you pleasured yourself, his fingers working your clit so well. you felt close to the edge, the tension inside of you building up quickly, coming and going in fast waves.

Harry noticed, and began kissing you intently, and when his hand went down to your nipple and began pinching it slightly, your first ever orgasm crashed into you with the force of a bomb, making your jaw drop as you cried out for Harry.

your legs were trembling, and that feeling deep in your stomach kept intensifying by every motion of Harry's finger on your clit.

you stopped moving your finger, needing a break from the intensity. arching your back slightly as you came down, Harry laid you down completely. "you were so good y/n, so good." spreading you open further, lowering his boxers and tossing them off completely.

"I know, take your time baby, I'll wait. you were so so good." he kept whispering praises to you while rubbing your face in an endearing matter.

for a second you felt disgust by what you just did climb up your throat and cloud your mind, feeling shocked by how you acted, but soon all those thoughts got crushed by the man in front of you.

being hit with the aftershocks from what you just endured, you didn't fully comprehend the situation. it was mind blowing, and you couldn't wait to discover what committing fully was going to feel like.

when he was holding himself up by his hands that were beside your head, it hit you all of a sudden, Harry was completely naked. when you looked down your breath got caught, and you needed a second to comprehend the sight in front of you.

you didn't think it was possible, but he was even more beautiful. he was so hard it almost looked painful. veins travelled the length until it reached his sensitive pink tip that had a leak of precum spilling out. he seemed nervous for your reaction, but he hadn't need to be. he was perfect.

"please, Harry." you moaned, desperate to feel him inside of you, despite knowing it will hurt.

Harry got the hint and lined himself up by your entrance. "Are you sure?" he asked before entering you.

you nodded immediately "jus- just be gentle okay?" you replied, nerves starting to gather in your stomach. his endearing look soothed them a bit though.

"of course baby, don't worry, I know it will hurt but only a bit okay?" he kissed the top of your head, then your lips, his hands, which were holding him up, now running down the length of your body, over your breasts, all the way to your thighs, rubbing up and down them. he was almost completely on top of you, saving his weight while he was on his knees, making sure not to crush you.

he held himself against you, watching you intently for you reaction while he was pushing himself in slowly, making sure to take the time for you to adjust every few inches.

it was no doubt Harry was big, especially for his built. he was long and thick, and despite him being tall and lanky, he managed to get himself a magnificent physique a lot of girls swoon over.

you loved that you got to see him like this.

at the halfway mark, you had to take a couple of seconds to adjust, subconsciously clenching and unclenching around him. pain and pleasure mixed together in a perfect fusion.

"oh, Harry." your back arched slightly, your nipples getting the friction from Harry's chest above you, his hands everywhere on your body, it was great, all of it, even if the pain overrode the pleasure in some instances, at the end it felt greater than anything you've ever felt before.

Harry's moans were something like you've never heard before. he groaned and whispered you praises, his words and sounds settling deep in your core and heart.

when you managed to relax, he began moving. at first slowly, but gradually quickening his pace.

the bed creaked, the headboard banging against the wall, but at this moment you didn't care if someone could hear, in this moment it was only you and Harry.

he moaned less, and definitely quieter than you, but somehow they were still the only thing you heard. the way his face scrunched everytime he bottomed out, or the way his hair fell in his face or the beads of sweat that was trickling down his forehead. everything about him in this moment was like nothing ever before. his hands held your hips down, flexing with every thrust. he bit his lip, seemingly trying to control himself.

"Oh God, y/n-" he kept repeating your name over and over again, and the way it sounded in that voice made your melt every time he said it. his lips found your neck and started kissing and biting and teasing the skin until you were a crying mess more than you already were.

you were screaming, crying, moaning so loud you were sure people could hear you, but you didn't care. no one made you feel like him, you deserved complete freedom during your first time.

the feel of him sliding in and out of you with least amount of friction caused by your slickness was otherworldly. the sounds of his thrusts and your wetness were definitely something you didn't expect to love to hear so much.

"you're so wet baby, you feel that- you hear that? is that what I do to you?" he kept rambling, right next to your ear.

it was hard to hear him talk so softly when the sounds of him pounding into you were so loud, but you loved hearing him talk to you like that, as if he's trying to connect with you while fucking you mercilessly.

"Harry, I- I'm close, I think." it was feeble, at best.

this was different than fingering yourself. a giant wave of pleasure rocked through you so intensely you cried out. it was too much and not enough all at once.

"let go baby, come on. it's okay, I want to hear you falling apart on my dick." his words raised goosebumps all over your skin, making butterflies flutter all around in your stomach.

his pace increased considerably, pulling out completely then thrusting into you with great force. tears sped down your face, looking completely ruined, accurate to what you're feeling.

it hurt, but in such a good way you didn't want it to end. you gripped his back hard enough to leave marks, but that seemed to drive him even more, holding you down hard enough to bruise, he drove into you with such force you were sure to hit your head if he wasn't holding you. your legs were spread widely, heightening the feeling even more, he let go of your hips, grabbing your knees and holding them up, exposing you completely, making him hit a whole different spot that left your jaw hanging.

it all happened so fast, your orgasm hit into you so violently you shook and screamed so loud Harry held his hand on your mouth.

"Baby, you're so good, you're doing so good, keep screaming, I love hearing you like this." he kept praising, holding one of your knees up while his other hand was on your mouth.

"Harry, oh, please," you kept moaning, for everything and nothing at all. it felt extraordinary, you understood the hype around sex completely, and never wanted this to end.

"I'm so close y/n, please let me come. so, so close." he said, even though you didn't ask for permission, he did, and for some reason, that turned you on even more.

"come Harry, go on." you kissed him, and in a second he came undone. you clenched around him, holding him tightly to you while he cried out, riding out his high as his pace became sloppy and his breathing uneven.

he held onto you while driving in and out of you messily. his cum filled you entirely, warming up your insides. it felt like it would never end, this endless pleasure you were both stuck in, Harry, still spilling inside of you, holding you so close waiting to be finished before he could hold you.

eventually he did, and collapsed lightly on top of you, cuddling you while you both caught your breaths and came down.

he pulled out and rested his hands on your sides, turning you so you were laying on his chest, he kissed the top of your head and pulled the covers on top of you, holding you tightly against him.

you stayed like this for a while, just sitting in a comfortable silence, basking in the endearing feeling of him against you. it felt surreal, everything about this felt surreal, and you wanted to cherish the moment for as long as possible.

after a while of comforting silence Harry spoke up, breaking the spell. "how was that?" he asked, rubbing the hair from your face so you could look up at him. "was I any good?" he blushed slightly while asking.

"Harry, I don't think I know how to explain it," you paused, trying to think of something that would be close to what you felt. "you were beyond amazing, and I don't know how to show you how grateful I am to you."

Harry seemed speechless for a couple second before he recovered and gathered his thoughts. "that's really, n-nice, I'm glad, thank you, really.I'm so proud of you. you were great, baby." and he kissed you again, then you both sat in comfortable silence again.

and for the first time you were able to feel like any other, and being vulnerable with Harry was better than anything would have been in a different situation. you loved it.

a/n: hey guys, it's been a while. I've been busy but now since it's summer break I'll *hopefully* be able to update more frequently. this may be a bit rusty, but I hoped you enjoyed it nonetheless!

I also want to say, I definitely know my previous work isn't that great, considering I'm not an actual studied author and English isn't my first language, but I write for fun and all, so I hope you will still like my work despite the many flaws! if anyone has requests/ something to say, don't be scared! I love reading you guys' messages:).

check out my Wattpad...

#harry james potter smut #half blood prince #harry james potter #harry potter #y/n #vulnerability #friends to lovers #demisexual

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