#delete later <- when I find them
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I'm not getting into The Giving Tree discourse...
#personal#delete later#idk i just saw a post of the “alternate ending” comic on my dash and everyone praising it as an improvement and “fixing” the original#which i kinda resent#while tulli and i was taking my nephew to a book store we walked around the kids section and found the giving tree and we read through it#and i was so stricken by how profoundly sad it is. it's not a happy story#in the end both versions tell the exact same lesson. but one flat out tells you and the other makes you sit with a pit in your stomach#and work to find the answer#i dunno it's kids literature but kids literature is important. i don't wanna discredit anyone's bad memories with the book but also i think#sometimes it's ok to make kids a bit sad and upset with fiction.#tweet that goes “what if romeo and juliet didn't kill themselves and explained to the audience that family feuds are bad”#idk you can't seriously read the original book as an adult and say it's glorifying self-martyrdom#when the final drawing of the book is of an old tired man sitting on arotting stump with his hat fallen to the ground#again i don't wanna invalidate people's feelings if they enjoy the alt version i think it's really nice too. but the original has its#purpose too. imagine if at the end of the lorax they show that the boy did it and replanted the world happy ending#wait they did that in the movie shit#i dunno i just love somber children's literature. tulli and i are talking about moomin right now and how the series ends with the moomin#family just leaving. and nobody gets to say goodbye to them. their friends have to find ways to live with the emptiness they've left behin
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*gritting my teeth* if you don't share your work no one will see it and nothing will happen. you don't know what piece will resonate with people. you don't know you just have to keep going even when it feels like you're throwing stuff in the void. you just gotta keep going
#trying to keep up 4 art accounts when 3 of them get crickets and one of them like#also gets crickets but you like it enough to tolerate that is uh Something#fab talks#fabtalks#i lied it's 6 if you count webtoon and tapas which ALSO get crickets btw asdfghjk#like don't mind me im just venting a bit i might delete this later i just like i need to remind myself that like#numbers don't matter putting the work out there matters#it will find the audience#i try to remind myself to that when i do in person events people are always really excited to see my work#i get really great enthusiasm and reactions to it like when people actually SEE it they like it
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Was just given a bit of attitude about being aromantic by the only people I've told I am aromantic really trying not to hyperventilate here
#already crying#fuck I'm so stupidly emotional I know#sorry I need to vent. Sorry.#it's not my friends' fault they don't get it. it's not their fault. you can't always get stufff#but fuck fuck fuck fuck I need people to respect even the stuff they don't get#especially since they're the only people I have felt safe enough to come out to#so yeah apparently the conceot of an aro being in a a relationship at some point of their lives is pushing it too far#also being aro and not ace is pushing it too far#also clearly joking about wanting to be in a relationship with somebody is pushing it too far#it's fine when the others- who already have partners- do it but when I an aro do it it's pushing it too far#I will delete this later#when I calm down#fuck fuck fuck#delete later#I am sorry for not conforming to the idea of an aro who suddenly throws up at the thoght of a relationship#wait! Actually I am that kind of aro! I just sometimes joke about being in a relationship with people in an hyperbolic manner#and sometimes think it would be interesting to try being in a relationship if I ever find someone that doesn't#physically makes me throw up (BECAUSE IT HAS HAPPENED) or a have a meltdown crying when I think of being in a relationship with them#but I guess that's pushing it too far#I am sorry I am so fucking sorry I dared speaking about relationships#aro#aromantic#panicking#I am so fucking panicking right now
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SO UHHH I may or may not have gotten a bit carried away and made a OC for @blackkatdraws2 / @blackkatdraws ‘s blank script au
yeah have this crappy 1 am sleep deprived doodle of her
a tid bits of lore abt her in tags ^^
#BASICALLY this is Mell#she’s a NPC who really likes the dark and zombies. like#just mention zombies and she’s already at your location ready to infodump to you everything she knows about them#She gets shy around people so she lurks around in the dark people watching or playing with whatever she can find#oh and she also likes rag dolls and carries one with her sometimes. (Her outfit is inspired by raggedy ann :D#if you’re wondering how her arms got all like that then uhh there was a accident where she was playing with the ‘guard dogs’ of the dungeon#and they got carried away to the point where her arms were missing pieces of flesh#she doesn’t mind since it makes her look like a zombie#and she loves zombies#(regarding her playing with the ‘guard dogs’ (idk how else to refer to them as😭) she feels its more easier to be around them than like#The janitors in the dungeon)#SORRY FOR RAMBLING😭 I’ll shut up now#Fanart#my art <3#oc art#oc#I mighttttt delete this later when I wake up cause I’m not sure if I’m proud of this or not 😭😭😭 so sorry
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if i may allow myself a monthly Joker Moment, a lot of the harshness i have towards myself tends to be a side effect of how the rpc as a whole tends to operate.
i have a lot of joy and love for the things i create. when i share them in rp spaces here though? sometimes it gets hard to keep loving them, and myself as well.
#💔 ˚₊ · 𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖔𝖋 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖊𝖗 ✗ long lost words whisper slowly to me. ❞#negative cw#tbd.#don't get me wrong. it's not as though i /don't/ experience joy when sharing my creations here.#and i really do appreciate all the love and support i've received in return.#re-reading messages/threads/etc. here often cheers me up during bad days.#there's just a level of instability & lack of permanence in the rpc;#that i still haven't quite grasped how to cope with in a healthy manner? (aside from just being here less often lol.)#like... does love and encouragement from a mutual truly mean anything. when in the end they dropped you like a used tissue?#was ur ship truly that special? when u get ghosted the moment ur ship partner finds someone better? more interesting? faster at writing?#did you and your rp partner truly get along? when the slightest misunderstanding or disagreement lands you in their blocklist?#are you really okay when any of the above happens? or are you just expected to be?#because if any real life equivalent of any of this stuff happened to you irl. you'd be hurt. you'd be sad. that is normal.#sometimes i feel like there's this expectation to react to hurtful things like a machine in rp spaces.#and just... keep moving and operating like normal in spite of something upsetting happening. it's odd.#and it gets hard to remember that i'm actually a person. who deserves to be treated like a person.#(ironically. typing all this is making me remember some characters i made for staticmonitor's lore when i was active on the blog.#they were a commentary on some tumblr rpc-isms. but i found them too negative to fully realize. it's funny to think about now tbh.)#anyways... plz excuse the crashout here. i had a shit day at work and i'm kinda derealized lmao.#i'll delete this later.
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Imo you’re actually phil who runs this account (and your ao3) and are undercover I just have a feeling you are phil
an easy mistake to make, i also have migraines and beautiful blue eyes and am in love with dan howell <3
#asks#Anonymous#i do somewhat regret to say that i am for sure not phil because i've provided perhaps too much detail on my actual life#and a few ppl have seen me irl#i also posted a photo of part of my hair once. though i deleted it later#i've also for sure been online/posting at times when he was on a livestream or onstage#wouldn't that be a fun way to find phil's lurker account: who goes quiet every time he's onstage#(i doubt he posts with his lurker account though. definitely not original posts. he's not that crazy. i think)#love that i am taking the existence of phil's lurker account as established fact. lmao#i don't think my eyes are really blue either. they're some kind of light color#can i be one of those people who was blonde when they were 5 and continues to identify that way into their 30s#bc my eyes were blue when i was 5#no jk i know they're not blue i'm just not sure what to call them. they are beautiful though. nails emoji
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contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
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sometimes i remember when I was a child and I'd pretend to be a snow leopard on the black leather mountains of my parents couch and I would drink milk out of a bowl like a cat and act like the cereals were fish that I would kill with my teeth. i think i should go back to that place mentally
#i love hyper specific childhood pretend game scenarios there was no story to this btw just vibing as a snow leopard. eating cornflakes#personal#my own#bro i need to start tagging my posts so i can find them again later when i want to delete my existence of the internet
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My toxic trait is that I can write 10k word analysis about bakugo and midoriya in max 1,5 hour but can not write analyses about some people in 2 weeks bc I don't feel like Im professional enough to write that for psychology class homework
#The homework is due to 13 hours later btw#I used to code my hand writing while doing analyses and writing fics bc I didn't want my mother to find out when I was in middle school so#I just get used to it#And now Im doing the same thing again#Maybe I can blabbwr something about patient confidentiality and#Since our teacher also talked about that maybe she'd like it#I started to get delusional yey#No chewswick you will not get your cigarettes#one flew over the cuckoo's nest#Yeah Im doing analyses about them#I wish she would teach us about writing analyses professionally before giving us the homework#AaaAAAaaaA#Im gonna delete this soon but I just wanted to get this off from me
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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"What do you want for Christmas" "what do you want for your birthday" "ideas for gifts would be great" help
#i get all my presents for the year in one week and i get very easily overwhelmed by the pressure of thinking of things i want#because my parents always want to get me things i'll like so they ask for ideas or a list or something but#idk I have enough stuff#and i always feel weird when people give me gifts#like i don't deserve them#especially if i get them something small in return (or not at all)#and I find it so hard to stick with things even when its things i like#like cross-stitching#i really like it but i haven't been able to get myself to pick it back up and i just#guhhh I'm complaining again#rambles from the floor#delete later
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glueing together pages of my friendship book... or as I like to call it... spiritual cleansing <3
#healing journey is going well#I wouldn't have believed me 4 months ago that I would be okay#I wished the pain would go away really quickly and was sad that it didnt#but in the end... like 4-6ish months and everything is fine (for the most part)#sure. theres a thought here and there but it has no emotion attached to it at all...#I mean that is rather quick healing I would suppose#4-6 months does sound long but it's not THAT long when you think about it#anywho... next is deleting pictures... which is harder cause I'll have to look at them to delete them#and like... I dont wanna do that#oh... and then deleting “the evidence” aka the whole chat i've saved#(idk for some reason my brain thought it needed evidence to show that someone could like-like me)#and I still find it hard to finally do it (thats why I won't do it now but some time later... point is that I have to do it)#oh well#I can start small and just delete the WhatsApp chat... will do that now#yeah. that sounds like a plan... deleting the chat and doing the pictures/other chat later#op dasloddl
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Also, Velite/Argenti actual OTP. What's that post about the hero walking into the story and the friend aware of the tropes walking alongside them right into danger because even if they know, because they know, they can't let the hero go alone?
#Let's see if I find it but yes they made me think of that post#They also made me think of Stei.nbeck's telling of the story of Lyon.el and Lancel.ot together#How Lancelo.t takes his nephew with him to teach him the way of a true knight and Lyon.el goes alongside him mocking him at first#but soon deeply moved by Lancelo.t's purity and devotion and... his loneliness and tiredness#That scene in which Lyon.el teases Lancelo.t about love and he can see for a moment Lancelo.t almost want to kill him#but then drink his fury and get terribly tired. How Lancelo.t tells him he wants to rest under the tree and Lyon.el asks#what shall he say to his friends when he tells them about this part of the journey‚ to which Lancelot replies to tell them just#that he was tired. That he was more tired than he had ever been. Tired as if he hadn't slept for seven years. And that he needed to rest#And there‚ watching him sleep‚ with what sleep is for a knight since it's being seen in their most vulnerable‚ Lyon.el gets deeply moved#by this man‚ feels protective of him‚ and like he can no longer mock him or his bizarre ways#Well‚ that's what Velite and Argenti reminded me of#Also I adore that book but I love that scene in particular. I think all the time of the wording of those seven years Lancelo.t speaks of#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later
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Hello, I vaguely remember you had a post about folks who 'didn't like' Haruhi of, you know, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Some of it, I thought, was a request for context or an explanation, but maybe not. Would you want someone to broach the topic?
if not, no worries, I've just lost the post, but have been mulling on a response for months. (Totally get if this is more of a Do Not Engage discussion or just want to say no, cause you might have deleted the post due to prior poor responses)
i mean. people can say whatever they want to me, generally (and often do). i'm not, like, directly opposed to someone coming in and explaining their perspective, and i do usually try to approach most things like that in good faith as much as i'm able to!
(but also, like, as the #1 haruhi defender on this godforsaken earth. my general stances are not a secret.)
so if it's something you want to share to provide context, go ahead, but i can't promise i'm going to suddenly understand or agree with you and i also can't promise not to respond with an essay about my own interpretations and reasoning but that should be expected by anyone who knows this blog at all
tl;dr: go for it if you want to!
(for context, since tumblr ate the original post for the time being: it was a post about my not understanding how someone could enjoy the series without liking haruhi as a character, which is something i stand by.)
#ruby.txt#i have a few things people have said to me on here that i have zero understanding of.#i think about several of them frequently#this would not the first and i doubt it would be the last#also i don't delete posts from this blog. sometimes tumblr just eats them for a while and spits them out later#if you couldn't find it that's probably why. drives me fucking crazy when i want specific analysis posts and they're not in my tags.#i tried to find the post to link for context bc i know what you're talking about but i can't find it either.#tumblr stop eating my posts challenge#asks#localvoid-golem
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oh man no wonder i'm missing my little guys recently. we haven't seen kaeya in almost a year
#personal stuff#delete later#a month from now marks one year since his hangout....#head in hands.... kaeya come back i miss you#yes i Know he has a hangout i can replay at any time that also has his brother in it. not the same#diluc showed up back in march with his normalguysona and kaeya sent a letter but it's just not the same...#i miss the ragbros insanity that 2.8 and 3.1 inflicted upon me. i miss bouncing off the walls thinking about them and their new lore#can they come back and do something that makes me relive that sometime soon. please. for me#not sure who's going to be in the summer event this year. probably not going to be either of them but can it be Someone i care abt#for the most part they have been? like 1.6 was THE found family slash siblings vacation#2.8 was my girlie fischl and also hidden strife#then 3.8 was kaeya and klee and collei and kokomi#come on let's keep up this energy. this will be THE mondstadt update TRUST#like come onn venti and lisa both told us to come back to mondstadt before setting off for somewhere new......#like at this point i have very little hope for mondstadt character story quest 2. i used to hope for it w every update but now it's like#who fucking knows. we'll wait until snezhnaya i guess. that's when venti and diluc will probably be relevant again#jean miiight get a second one after natlan depending on what happens to varka's expedition? since her mom is there i think#manifesting a second razor quest then too. we know what the rifthounds are now + varka coming back would be a good setup#and klee might get one whenever we meet alice. i have my thoughts but idk when Exactly that'll be#but lisa's thing probably won't be relevant for a while either considering its connection to the abyss order#and kaeya and albedo... yeah.#but like. i'd love to see amber go to liyue and find her grandpa or something :(#and like. fuck it i would love to see a second xiangling quest too.
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Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.
#I’m resuming this tomorrow it’s been hours now I’m just mad#I’m home because my parents are moving to a different state and I needed to pack whatever was left#and for some reason we just keep old devices when we’re done with them#so I borrow an adapter to allow me to connect my ancient unworking iPad mini to my laptop#factory reset it. i have to reset an old email to access the old Apple id to fully reset it.#it won’t connect to the wifi so I have to reset the settings. i find out it’s too old to run pjsk.#i find an old phone that should work. i reset it as well. I’m able to download pjsk & it takes 20 minutes.#pjsk crashes everytime I try to open it. i attempt to run bluestacks on my computer. bluestacks doesn’t have 64 bit for mac yet.#i get a free trial of parallels and download windows onto my laptop. this takes 40 minutes.#i try to download and run bluestacks on that. m1 macs apparently can’t run bluestacks 64 bit through parallels.#i go find the final old phone that I had forgotten about. it takes forever to charge because the charging port is fucked up. i reset it as#well. it can’t connect to wifi. i try a hotspot on my current phone. service is too awful. i try to do wifi sharing from my laptop.#you have to be connected to the router via a cable for that to work.#at this point it has been like 3 hours. I’m giving up because I’ve been down this route before#when I attempted to run 32 bit steam games on m1 mac#(wine64 doesn’t exist for m1 macs yet -> attempt to run boot camp -> boot camp isn’t a thing anymore on Apple silicon -> attempt to run#several different programs that allow me to run windows on a mac. none of them work. ->#look into linux & give up. -> attempt to implement the unfinished/unbottled wine64 code thru terminal. ->#fuck up and delete some important file & have to fix that (misery inducing) -> keep trying. i think I downloaded a Mac coding program at#some point? i realize I have zero coding knowledge and this is a mistake. -> give up and purchase crossover. game doesn’t even work. ->#3 months later update to the latest OS so I can have enough storage to play psychonauts 2. find out the $60 crossover#purchase was a bad idea because ‘heehee crossover doesn’t work on that buy the new version’ (fuck crossover).#my toxic trait is my belief that I can figure out anything via google and sheer stubbornness. usually this is true. occasionally there are#exceptions to this rule. most of them are because owning Apple products is a mistake.#i think if I reset the router tomorrow I can solve this problem but I can also just go elsewhere with better service or wait until I’m home#now it’s a matter of pride. and also free 4*/I have nothing better to do because I’m stuck here until Tuesday.#<- this is all normal behavior by the way. who doesn’t spend 8 hours ramming their head against a problem every once and a while. enrichment#mine#oh I forgot. i also looked into cloning the app but that would cost money for something that might not even work.#‘just log out and make an alt’ and risk losing my account? I’m stupid enough to overwrite it on accident.
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