#decided to delete the post since I'm just going to get yelled at anyway but I still think it's important

[zorilleerrant]

I think it's less that you shouldn't ship them, and more that you shouldn't make comments like "there's no heterosexual explanation for this" or "straight men would never do this" or "friends don't act like this". Like, shipping is fun, exploring queer identity is fun, but at a certain point, you're not simply having fun, you're making an opinion statement that certain words or actions are inherently erotic.

Which is not just a problem for straight men, even though they're an easy target, because we're not "supposed" to care about their feelings. It's the same attitude that makes people think any man and woman who are friends must either be dating or want to date eventually. It's the same attitude that makes people disbelieve anyone who doesn't want a partner, or wants non-monogamous partners, or wants casual/short term partners. And, yes, it's the same attitude that makes people assume any two mlm are automatically fucking if they know each other, and any two wlw are automatically trying to get each other to dump their girlfriends for them.

It's not bigotry for people to want their sexuality to be perceived or acknowledged how they label themselves. And while it's obviously different making assumptions/headcanons about fictional characters, stating things as if they must be a certain way simply because xyz happened precludes the idea that there could be other ways to interpret the actions. And in real life, there's a lot of nuance to human relationships. People do all kinds of things, and those can mean different things to different people; not all of those things are sexual or romantic. And people really do generalize this to all circumstances; they begin to analyze celebrity relationships as if they were comics panels or screenshots from a TV show, a way of invading privacy and dehumanizing other people.

This is, of course, part of the much larger problem that society prioritizes erotic relationships over any other kind of human social experience. But just because someone is straight doesn't mean they're free from the negative effects of society dictating how relationships should work. So when people say something is definitive proof - often to the point of calling someone a bigot for not shipping something - it won't stop at the boundaries of fiction. This is why it's important to discuss the problem while it's still in the realm of fiction, and not yet violating personal boundaries.

Keep in mind that most of fandom is queer. Most people who are stating any kind of opinion of what someone should do in fandom are queer, and they're also mostly women, so someone telling you they're uncomfortable or their friends are uncomfortable is very unlikely to be talking about straight men. When people are stating that something can be read platonically, they're often defending their own right to do so; other times they're objecting to the language of things being 'inherently gay' etc.

There are a lot of ways in which these attitudes negatively impact mlm, and also a lot of ways in which they negatively impact everyone by prioritizing erotic relationships over platonic ones. But I think the biggest problem is that a lot of people have decided that it's homophobic not to want to be perceived as gay, even when someone isn't gay. Or homophobic to want one's relationships perceived correctly, even when they're not gay relationships.

It's pretty important to a lot of people to have their sexuality acknowledged. If you can understand queer people being upset over being misoriented, even though there's nothing wrong with any other orientation, then it should be pretty clear that it's a personal boundary, not a political stance. It's also important to a lot of people not to be treated like they're in erotic relationships they're not actually in. If someone says two people are dating when they're not, they usually get upset, regardless of gender or sexuality. Saying you think two fictional characters are dating doesn't do any of that. Saying you think two fictional characters must be dating, because they would only perform those actions if they were dating, places assumptions on real people in real life.

So ship whatever you want! Just be careful about stating whether it's impossible for something to be platonic, or impossible for people to be 'just friends', and if you do state things like that, make it more clear that you're joking or exaggerating. Sorry for the long response, but this is a widespread problem in fandom that's uncomfortable (and even potentially dangerous) to a lot of groups for a lot of different reasons, even though people don't mean anything by it. That's why people keep objecting to this specific way of stating things; it's not about the ship at all.

[demonpiratehuntress]

I am actually so mad. I was working on this and for some reason it didn't save correctly and ended up posting a blank draft while deleting the stuff I had already written! I'm so sorry it took so long, @tiaramarijadhkxdyi755, but here it is! i hope this is close to what you wanted, because i wasn't sure how to go about it 🙈

taglist - @kabloswrld

patience with the Straw Hats

featuring - Zoro x F!Reader, Luffy x F!Reader, Sanji x F!Reader, Usopp x F!Reader

summary - the ask above

warnings - mean/careless/neglectful Straw Hats, im sorry, i changed Luffy's and Usopp's because I don't imagine them ever screaming at or getting angry with their s/o 💕

ZORO

Zoro has a short fuse, and that's common knowledge. Everyone knows just how grumpy and aggressive he can be after a hard fight or a difficult day training. He's snapped at everyone more than once, but you seem to take the brunt of it since you're the closest to him, and today was no different.

"For fucks sake just leave me alone!" Zoro could be heard yelling at you all throughout the Sunny. "You're too damn clingy and I don't need your help right now!" He stormed off.

You stood there in shock, having just asked him if he was okay, and taken aback by the response you had gotten. It wasn't unusual for him to be angry, but he was really upset today for some reason. You decided to give him space, but you had to admit you weren't really hurt or upset. More so disappointed that he had once again pushed you away.

"Zoro-"

"What?!" He snapped, glaring at you as you came up into the crow's nest with some food. "I'm not hungry, just leave."

"But-" You started, until he did something unexpected.

He smacked the food out of your hands, sending it all over your face. Your eyes widened and you stumbled back a bit, stunned.

"Okay, I'm sorry," you apologised, giving him a soft smile, "I'll have food in the room once you're ready to eat."

You waited a long time until Zoro finally entered your shared room, looking embarrassed and guilty about his outbursts today. He didn't say anything as he crossed the room and sat down beside you, but when he took your hand in his and brought it to his lips you knew he was apologising.

"It's okay," you smiled gently, "I'm not upset. Just disappointed that you won't let me help you."

"I know I know," he admitted. "I'll work on it, I promise."

"What made you so angry anyway?" You squeezed his hand.

He sighed, "You almost got hurt in our last fight because I was distracted. It's been haunting me, and I just don't want it to happen again. I snapped because I wanted to train harder instead of resting or eating, so I can properly protect you."

You smiled at him again, "But you always do, that was not your fault babe."

He was so grateful to have such a patient, understanding and loving girlfriend.

SANJI

Sanji usually never snapped at or yelled at you. He didn't ever want to, and never had any reason to. He was sweet, loving and doting just like you were, but unlike you he did have his days where he went against his promise to never lash out at you or hurt you in any way. Today was one of those days. Usopp had pulled him away from some girls who were fawning over him, and he was irritated.

"Why did you do that?" He glared at the sniper. "I was having fun."

"You also have a girlfriend," Usopp reminded him, gesturing towards you. He was nervous now, because Sanji looked pissed off.

"So?" The cook scowled. "I can appreciate and talk to other women without cheating on her!" He spoke like you weren't right next to him. "Right, (Name)?"

"Right," you smiled, a bit disappointed but not showing it.

Then he was off, returning to those women to apologise and your crew turned to you, looking at you quizzically. Nami set her hand on your arm reassuringly.

"It's okay," you told them with a smile, "It doesn't bother me."

Sanji then returned, but was quick to notice the disappointed look you had on your face. He was about to ask but you shook your head and kissed his cheek, continuing your exploration of the island.

"Okay what's your problem?" He suddenly asked, annoyed, when you looked disappointed at another interaction between him and a pretty woman.

Your eyes widened, "I'm not-"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not stupid, (Name). You're obviously hiding the fact that you want to control my every move and stop me from ever talking to other women again."

That claim was so preposterous, you frowned, "I wouldn't-"

He quickly realised what he had said and his eyes widened, "No no no, my love I didn't mean that! I don't know why I said, I-I-" He fumbled for an excuse but sighed when he didn't have any. "I'm sorry, my love. Let me make it up to you, with your favourite dinner."

"Deal."

LUFFY

In all honesty, I don't see Luffy getting angry with or yelling at you. I think he's more of the neglectful type, when faced with certain situations like facing Boa Hancock out on the sea. She claimed she didn't know you guys would be there, but you're pretty sure she was stalking his movements. Luffy wouldn't listen though.

"It's okay, (Name)!" He replied cheerily when you voiced your concerns, "Hammock's really nice! And she has yummy food!"

And then he was off, leaving you to shake your head and sigh. You retired to your shared room, hoping that Luffy would eventually realise her intentions and come back.

He never did, and after a few hours you were starting to get lonely. So you ventured out to find him, only to see him giving her a tour of the Sunny.

"Luffy!" You called, but frowned when he seemingly ignored you as Hancock said something to him.

That was pretty much how the day went. You were ignored entirely by your boyfriend, simply because Hancock wouldn't let him pay attention to you. But you were disappointed in him too, for not telling her that you were dating and for not coming to spend time with you on his own.

When the day ended and Hancock retreated to her ship, bidding Luffy goodbye, the captain finally made his way to you. You weren't upset or sad, but Luffy could see on your face that you weren't feeling anything good.

"Are you alright, (Name)?" He questioned, hugging you.

"I'm disappointed, Luffy," you told him, but hugged him back and smiled anyway, happy to have him back.

"Disappointed?" He frowned. "Why?"

You sighed, "You didn't make any effort to come and see me for even a few minutes today. You spent the whole day with her. I'm not upset, because she helped you a lot, but I am disappointed that you ignored me."

He hugged you even tighter, "I'm sorry, (Name), really. We can spend the whole day together tomorrow!"

You smiled and nodded, not having the heart to tell him that's what you guys did everyday when Boa wasn't around.

USOPP

Usopp is another Straw Hat that I don't see getting angry or yelling easily. He's very patient with you, and he's understanding. He also doesn't have any aggravating circumstances, but the one thing he can be that disappoints you sometimes is careless. He can be very careless when it comes to what he says or does, because he usually acts on emotion.

And today, it seemed, he was missing his old crush Kaya. Because while you were shopping for clothes on one store, seeking to replace your torn and burnt ones, he kept yapping on about how Kaya had this and Kaya had that, and that hers were all real and genuine.

"I'm sorry I'm not Kaya, or as rich as her," you politely reminded him, not upset but starting to feel uncomfortable.

"It's okay!" He smiled, ignoring the subtle hint for him to stop talking about her. "I love you anyway!"

"Love you too," you smiled, but in your disappointment it didn't quite reach your eyes like it usually did. Still, you persevered, hoping he would stop by the next shop.

He did not.

"Kaya had something like this," he looked at the dress you were holding up, "But much prettier."

You frowned, again disappointed that he didn't like it. And that he had once again compared it to someone in his past that should be staying in said past.

Usopp noticed your expression, and his smile faltered, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," you smiled, shaking your head, "It's just not my style."

His eyes widened, "Woah, (Name), I didn't mean-"

"It's okay, Usopp," you kissed his cheek, "Let's go, I think we're done."

"No we're not," he took the dress, "This will look so much nicer on you than Kaya."

You opened your mouth to say something, but giggled when he refused to let you and bought it for you, dragging you back to the Sunny so you could show him just how much prettier you were than Kaya.

[potofstewie]

I posted 312 times in 2022

That's 312 more posts than 2021!

44 posts created (14%)

268 posts reblogged (86%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@comatosebunny09

@kyojurosfirelilyy

@kyojurosrealwife

@auraee

@gingerspicelattemix

I tagged 63 of my posts in 2022

#stew’s pot of thoughts - 29 posts

#kyojuro rengoku - 12 posts

#rengoku kyojuro - 8 posts

#kny rengoku - 6 posts

#rengoku x reader - 5 posts

#send helppp - 5 posts

#rengoku x black reader - 4 posts

#eren x black reader - 3 posts

#reheated soup - 3 posts

#selfreblog - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 73 characters

#yes this is me publicly admitting i have another one to add to my bd list

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Der Engel miener Träume

Title Translation: The Angel of my dreams.

The lowdown: A frequent dream that Eren Jeager cannot get enough of.

The things to know: Reader is EXPLICITLY black, uses she/her pronouns, Fluff, Yearning, middle of the timeskip Eren (idk how else to describe him but like- a few months after he kissed Historia's hand)

W/C: 1.4k

A/N: Hey hey, this one is one of those spur of the moment ideas that I decided to expand upon GREATLY. One thing that helped inspire this fic was my fellow black fanfic readers and writers. I wanted this to basically be an ode to my black (aot) fandom members. I should probably start posing these to my AO3 but idkk yet. ANYWAY ENJOY MWUAH

See the full post

23 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

#4

ok so- i was in the middle of rewatching euphoria and a angsty (is intense a better word?) fic idea came into my head:

what if, rengoku just absolutely snaps about his dad. not necessarily cussing him out (although that could work) but just venting to y/n over a bottle or two of sake. And y/n is lowkey frightended over how aggressive his speech is talking about him but just being a caring and listening gf

31 notes - Posted November 10, 2022

#3

Confide in Me

The lowdown: An angry and battered boyfriend, a scared yet concerned girlfriend and a $2.58 pack of frozen peas

MEGA HUUUUGE SHOUTOUT TO @auraee FOR HELPING ME WITH THE CONCLUSION CAUSE A CHICK WAS LOST

Word Count: 2.8k

Pairing: Rengoku x Black Reader (other readers are welcomed)

The things to know: VERYYY OOC Kyojuro, Blood, Smoking, Mentions of Child Abuse, Physical Abuse (kyojuro and shinjuro), Angst, yelling, swears, Eating as a coping mechanism (Kyojuro), a pack of frozen sweet peas

A/N: Oh, my, GOOOD. I hate how long this took and I'm sorry for how long it took. I got sick with something and I couldn't figure out for the life of me how to end this properly. I was also on the verge of deleting this numerous times to just write a version in the canon setting but I didn't want this to go to waste. I'm so grateful for @auraee for looking at the conclusion and giving me confidence. Big ups my g I think after this, I'm gonna redo my masterlist and then finally move on to another baby daddy of mine (I'm fighting between Haganezuka and Eren.) Also can you tell that I finally figured out how to indent texts? lmao

See the full post

93 notes - Posted November 25, 2022

#2

Morning Person

A/N: This is a small thing that I whipped up after seeing this drawing on pintrest. This is my first writing post so I hope the errors aren't so bad.

Established Relationship, Rengoku x Reader, Fluff

"C'mon Kyo, you gotta get up." You shook your boyfriend gently as you whined. Today was a beautiful day and you wanted to make the most of it since Kyojuro finally had a day off. A deep, disgruntled groan left the large lump in the futon, blond hair with red tips peeking out from under the covers. "I don't get it, you're always a ball of energy! How on earth are you like this in the morning?!" 

You sighed loudly as the lump shuffled, trying to find a more comfortable position. A few low grumbles and whines errupted from the covers, a pitiful and indecipherable argument your boyfriend gave to you as his hand reached from under the bedding and fixed the sheets over his head. You watched silently as his body finally relaxed, a foot sticking out from the cocoon. "Kyojuro, today is so lovely out. Me and Senjuro wanna go fishing and we want you to tag along. C'moooon." You shook him again, this time more harshly but alas, he didn't budge. 

"I plan on bringing my sweet potato pie, and Senjuro is taking salt grilled bream with us as well. There's way too much food for the both of us to eat. But, we can always give the leftovers to your father..." You taunted, hoping that the mentions of his favorite food would stir the Flame Hashira. After a few pensive seconds, a loud sigh released from the futon, with the disheveled creature slowly sitting up. Kyojuro's tired eyes looked at you with his wild eyebrows furrowing and a slight frown on his face. His bright mane sticking out in all directions, some of it sticking to his face. "Are you finally gonna come with us?" You asked, hopefully. 

Kyojuro grunted, scratching his stomach. "Fine, in five minutes." He grumbled before harshly diving into the covers once more.

"Kyojuro!!" 

119 notes - Posted November 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ask Again

The Low Down: A love story about a question that takes many forms but is always asked.

Word Count: 637

Pairing: Rengoku x Reader

The things to know: AFAB!Reader, fluff, slight angst, reader playfully insults

A/N: Aight, so this has been sitting in my head for like two days straight until I woke up in a cold sweat to write a really rough draft in my phone at 4am. However I'm glad that this is finally freed from the shackles of my mind.

See the full post

185 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[deathlygristly]

Okay, four hours later, after getting home from work and hugging the spousal person and petting the cats and having a snack and changing into my favorite sleepyclothes, I have thoughts.

My favorite sleepyclothes are a T shirt and pants pajama set that's cat themed and the shirt says Cat Nap on it - when I wear it I tell the spousal person that I am experiencing gender euphoria, since if gender is clothes based like some people seem to think then my gender is sleepyclothes. :)

Putting the rest under a readmore because all personal and just me writing myself through stuff.

Anyway, my thoughts:

Work has been pretty stressful lately and I've had to get up earlier than usual three days this week and I'm tired. Earlier today at work I had one of those really short but still awful anxiety attacks where a cold feeling starts in my gut and goes up my chest and things feel really weird and not real, and then later after that I felt so exhausted that it was hard to walk. Then when I got back to the office and I was editing and uploading pics that I am pretty behind on since I've had three or more tours a day lately until the last two days, I checked the Patreon of a kdrama podcast I listen to and I saw someone calling me out for saying a currently airing kdrama seems to be for neurotypical people.

It's a good thing I was alone in the upstairs office because I started crying. Deleted my post, left the Patreon, unfollowed the podcast, and texted the spousal person to ask if I was a bad person.

When I get like this I think my brain is using the definition of bad person it learned in childhood - that a bad person is someone who doesn't want to practice for the spelling bee so she gets choked, or someone who didn't know to ask a stranger who called if he was the gravel man so she gets slapped and yelled at. A bad person is someone who makes other people mad in ways that she wasn't able to predict and prevent before it happened.

And the person who called me out wasn't even really that mad or mean or anything. I'm not blaming them for this at all. It's just that even when you feel like you've been pretty recovered for years the trauma can still hit you occasionally, especially when you're already at a low point of fatigue and stress.

Also I had been getting fairly frustrated with how people on that podcast and in the community surrounding it said very very often that the shows that we really like are too silly and over the top and weird and ick. So when they all jump on a show that we think is all right but not great, of course I'm going to be thinking about why our tastes and experiences are so different. And maybe feel a little resentful of how often they hate on the shows we like - actually last week they posted asking for questions they'd answer in an episode and I asked "What's with all the hate for silly shows?" but I deleted it. I guess last week I was more aware that asking that wasn't a good move socially than I was today.

So yeah, I don't think the person who called me out was wrong or mean or anything, and I do think I reacted out of the trauma being triggered for the first time in quite a while. But I think it was also a legitimate signal that maybe that community isn't for me and that it was getting to me and that it was, like the skeleton in that post that goes around says, time to hit the bricks and just leave.

Also the spousal person said it was okay to talk to him about the show being more for neurotypical people because he agrees with me. ;)

Anyway, yeah, I'll be okay. It's a three day weekend, I can sleep in tomorrow, I've already decided to be kind to myself all three days and just do whatever I want and not judge myself, and it'll be okay.

And I'm not a bad person. I'm just a person.

How do you know if you're a bad person or not? I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person but the spousal person says I'm not.

Context: Someone got mad at me for saying Love Next Door was for neurotypical people, so saying and thinking that was wrong and bad.

[1-800-c0sm1c]

I recently saw a suggestive gif with an ice lolly, before quickly stumbling upon a post with Ryuji.. You can probably see where I'm going with this.

Could you perhaps write about a gn reader and Ryuji on a super hot day grabbing some ice lollys, the two enjoying the other's presence before Ryuji looks over and sees reader unintentionally deep throating it? (Like it looks suggestive) Ryuji gets really flustered, and now it's even hotter...

I hope this doesnt overstep into more heavier nsfw, if it does please remove what you arent comfortable with or feel free to delete the request :) Also you can add more characters if you want! Though I only really know Persona 5 Strikers, so if you can add characters from that! Anyway enough rambling, hope you have fun with this!!

-Solar/⭐ (If I can claim either or that'd be great!)

꒰blue lemonade !꒱

eating popsicles with everyones fav electro boy !

character x gn!reader

includes ryuji !

warnings : suggestive content !

word count : 2273

beta read by : @cagethefrenchfuck​

a/n : solar anon youre a genius ,,, im here to make it even better with a friends to lovers prompt added into the chaos mwahahaha >:) i hope you enjoy this !

this summer heatwave was reaching record high temperatures, you were sure if you stayed out in the sun for too long youd melt into a puddle and evaporate almost immediately. you wanted nothing more than to feel the cool ocean breeze on your face and soak up rays in the sun. however, just like the rest of the phantom thieves, you and ryuji were broke and had decided to stay inside for most of summer vacation. whenever you werent grouped up together at rens house for mementos business, chances are ryuji was laying on your couch, complaining about the heat with a bag of frozen vegetables on his forehead, but you dont mind. if youre together, everything becomes colored by him. if you were into aura reading you swear everyone around the blonde would be a bright and sunny yellow, but yours turned blue the moment you met him. if he was the sun, youd be the ever changing sky, never one without the other, the tide and the sand.

despite the random movie playing on the tv, your attention was focused solely on your dramatic friend sitting next to you. ever since youve joined the phantom thieves, you and ryuji have been inseparable. ren and ann have called you the dynamic duo on multiple occasions, meanwhile morgana is simply just jealous that someone likes ryuji enough to want to hang out with him that often.

“oh come on ryuji, the fans are running on overdrive, theres no way you can still be that hot.” you rolled your eyes as he complains for the nth time this hour. “thats what you think, but i swear im gonna die if this heatwave lasts another day, man.” he sighs, sinking further into the couch. “if the heat doesnt kill you, then i will.” you mutter under your breath, but ryuji hears you loud and clear. “oh so you want a fight, is that it? lets take it to the metaverse right here, right now!” ryuji yells back with more energy than youve seen him with since school let out for the break. he puts his fists up pretending to swing punches at you across the couch, proceeding to drop the entire bag of (not really frozen anymore) peas on the hard floor of your living room. the bag breaks open, littering the vegetables all over the place. “oh shit. how thin is the materials of those frickin bags?” he quickly says, panic obvious in his voice. you sigh, quickly getting up to grab the broom to sweep up the mess ryuji had made. 

he follows you to the kitchen like a lost puppy, offering to clean everything up *plus* scrubbing your whole house before you quickly reassure him its not a big deal. “i doubt we were ever going to cook those up anyways, dont worry about it ryuji!” “but still! i feel bad for making a mess of your house. i dont want to give your mom any reason to hate me.” you raise an eyebrow at that. “oh? why do you want to be on my moms good side so bad? you planning on moving in or something?” he shrugs. “with how much weve been hanging out i might as well. last thing i need is to be banned from seeing you over some bags of frozen vegetables.”

theres a mysterious feeling inside of you, and you feel heat rising to your cheeks over that. hed go through all the trouble of deep cleaning your house just so he can still hang out with you? itd obviously never need to come to that, but the fact that its the first thought he has cant help but make you feel special, despite how silly it is. of course he wants to be able to hang out with you, hes your best friend. if he didnt, that would be more of an issue than anything else. “you could always just sneak through the window, you know.” you mutter without realizing. he snickers. “i dont think i play the role of knight in shining armor very well, but what the hell? im always willing to try new things.” he laughs at his own remark, completely oblivious to how much redder your face has gotten in the small amount of time youve been sweeping up the peas from the floor. it may be hot outside, but surely not that hot, right?

“well how about you go make yourself useful and get something less likely to… explode for us to cool off?” you quickly respond to change the subject. ryuji thinks for a second before grabbing his shoes, stating hell be right back. you feel a weight be lifted off your shoulders you were unaware of as soon as the door shuts behind him.

theres never been any kind of tension that youve noticed before between you and ryuji, so where did this random feeling come from? you cant help but feel different around him, has he always looked at you with such admiration and you just never noticed? with how hot your body is now you might as well shove yourself into the freezer.

putting the broom back you sit back on the couch noticing how empty the room really feels without ryuji there anymore. where had he even run off to anyways? you groan, noticing that the temperature had gone up another 2 degrees, before instantly feeling bad for sending ryuji out into town during the hottest part of the day. that was definitely a lapse in your judgement, but surely hed be fine with how quick he was to go along with it. unless he just wanted to get away from you? wait where did that thought come from? you cant help but internally sigh at how youve managed to make the situation even more awkward without him even being there.

after about another 5 minutes of sitting alone with your thoughts (terrifying, isnt it?) ryuji bursts through the front door with a grocery bag in his hands. “i dont know about you but i think some ice cream is the perfect thing right now!” your face drops the second you realize its dripping, presumably already melted from the trip back in the scorching sun. ryuji notices a second later, quickly dropping it outside by the front porch. you cant help but find his slightly pouting face adorable, and also totally heart wrenching. “you know, i think youre on the right track there with ice cream. how about we just go down to the convenience store together? im pretty sure ren is working there right now anyways. then we dont have to worry about anything melting!” 

ryuji was just about ready to give up on going anywhere else today, especially if it meant having to walk around again in the heat, but he couldnt resist the sweet smile on your face. hed do anything for you in a heartbeat if youd always look at him so sweetly. he was so caught up in his staring that he completely forgot to answer you, you having to snap your fingers in his face just to get him to come back down to earth, because surely when he was with you he was in heaven. “huh? oh! yeah, lets get going!”

you both ran to the train station, out of breath and sweaty by the time youd have reached shibuya. you almost gave ren a heart attack with the amount of noise caused by you and ryuji walking in to the convenience store. after almost getting him fired for talking way longer than he should have been, you and ryuji walk back to the station in no rush, eating your popsicles quietly. 

“what flavor did you get?” you ask ryuji as you stand waiting by the station. “cherry limeade, you wanna try?” he brings the popsicle closer to your face, assuming youd simply grab it in your own hand. what ryuji was not expecting, however, was for you to lean yourself closer to him, taking a lick of the popsicle while it was still held in his hand. his eyes turn wide like a rabbit would, incredibly surprised as you get closer to him, he swears he can feel the tingling electricity throughout his entire body. where did this boldness come from, and why are you so nonchalant about it? he can fell his ego deflating when his whole arm shakes after you pull away and lick your lips, the artificial fruit flavoring tasting cold yet electrifying. “ooh that ones super tasty!” you exclaim, and ryuji swears he sees your eyes shining.

your icy treat smells of the sweet ocean, like someones squeezed a freshly picked lemon into it. “do you wanna try mine? its blue lemonade.” you hold the popsicle up to him in the same way, but ryujis too nervous to even grab it out of your hand, let alone lean in like you had. “oh uhm… no thanks, im allergic to uh…. lemons?” he stammers out, leaning back a bit. you shrug. “more for me then!”

ryuji was sure it was getting even hotter outside, even though it was painfully obvious the sun would be setting soon. he tried not to make eye contact with you again, but the image of you staring at him so excitedly a moment ago was still fresh on his mind. 

he regrets when he gives in and looks over at you again, as youve gotten down to the bottom of the popsicle by now. hes even more surprised to see the way you take almost the whole stick into your mouth, and suck on the remaining of the icy treat. he feels his eyes travel down to your adams apple, watching it move as you swallow. he notices the mixture of sweat and fruit juice dripping down from your chin, which in any other situation he might have made fun of you for. suddenly hes more flustered than hes been all day, and cant help but look away suspiciously quick.

as soon as you turn to look at him, he feels much smaller under your gaze, unable to hide how much you affected him, without you even realizing. now you know its not just you whos been feeling the tension thicken more as today has dragged on. youre not sure what to say, or if you should even say anything. clearly theres something going on between the two of you, but neither of you are able to muster up enough courage to address it.

youre about ready to just say your goodbyes and make your way back home, but ryuji decides to speak up before you can act out your walk of shame. “hey y/n, have you noticed anything uhm, you know, weird between us recently?” he asks, you cant tell if youve ever heard ryuji sound so unsure before. you pretend to think for a moment before responding. “now that you mention it the air seems much hotter today, and thicker too.” you dont miss the way you see ryujis face heat up at that remark. he mentally curses for not having a way to hide the way the blush creeps up his neck and ears.

“yeah i think ive noticed that too. but i havent been able to put my finger on what exactly has been bugging me.” you, unlike some would say about ryuji, arent stupid. you both know that he knows whats going on here, but hes going to make you say it first. you hold back a sigh, something youve been doing a lot recently, and finally find the right words. “i think that theres… something going on between us, ryuji.” you dont dare raise your eyes from their look on the ground. you can see ryuji let out a breath of relief, he wasnt sure if you were actually going to go along with this. “yeah, i see what you mean… i uh, i mean i see it too.” he drags his foot against the pavement of the station square. your heart that points to him is a deep blue, like the sky before the storm clouds build, or the ocean on a late night stroll.

even if you swallow, your words fill up on the tip of your tongue, feeling so close to overflowing. “have you ever thought of us as more than friends?” you ask in such a low voice you werent sure if he would hear it, and ryuji almost didnt over the loud beating of his heartbeat. now what is he supposed to do? there was so hint in your tone of voice that you thought of him the same way. he wasnt even sure if you were nervous, for all he knew you were more uncomfortable than anything else. he struggles to think of an answer that wont totally humiliate himself and also not hurt your feelings. “well… i guess so, yeah.” he responds. he doesnt miss the way you tense up at his answer, and he feels his heart sink.

you finally look up at him, that same sweet look in your eyes from earlier, and suddenly he thinks that maybe its so bad he decided to be honest. “oh my god really? wow.. im so relieved!” you sigh out. ryuji thinks he likes that tone of your voice. “i honestly thought i was going crazy! like i never noticed just how… close we are until today! everything just seemed to click and i swear i dont even know where it came from but im starting to really like-” ryuji leans in closer to you, effectively shutting you up with a nervous kiss to you lips. you can feel him smirk against you when you melt into the kiss. you feel yourself return to the original soft blue youve grown to love the moment he embraces you.

reluctantly pulling away, ryuji wipes the excess popsicle off of his lips with the same stupid smile on his face. you stick your tongue out at him, showing now that your tongue is purple instead of blue, and that immediately wipes the confident expression on his face. youre starting to get used to seeing ryuji flustered and different shades of pink or red. you grab his hand, dragging him off to go catch your train. 

as the doors close behind you, youre suddenly reminded of what he said earlier. “wait a minute, i thought you said you were allergic to lemons!” he rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed. “well i only said that because i was too nervous to.. you know, grab the popsicle out of your hand.” you cant help but laugh at him. “whats so funny? you act like if you were in my shoes you wouldn't have reacted the same way!” you shrug your shoulders. “summer isnt over yet, i guess well just have to wait and see until next time.”  he sighs, exasperated, before whispering under his breath “youre gonna be the death of me.” you smile at him. this is perfect, youd wish for nothing more, just the two of you. like this summer, it melts in your mouth like your feeling of love.

inspired by blue lemonade by red velvet , give it a listen if you havent before !

[smolla-than-a-bug]

you’re definitely flirting with me

—jason todd x villain!reader

second and final part to are you flirting with me. can be read as a stand-alone tho

navi | bat boys m.list | are you flirting with me

content — language, blood, mentions of harassment, mildly suggestive (use of the word ‘daddy’ but ironically)

notes — i know that its literally been years and that i formerly posted a part two to are you flirting with me, but looking back, i didn't like how it turned out. i did find a fun drabble in my drafts with villain!reader as well, so i decided to rewrite it and use it as a continuation. i actually deleted the old parts personally, i prefer this version of the end!

"I'm in."

"Hot. You should be able to see–"

"Nothing?"

Silence.

"Is this your way of telling me you're visually impaired?"

"I will scoop your eyes out in your sleep."

"Please use an ice cream scooper. My eyeballs would fit so well, it would be so satisfying–"

"Harper."

"Okay, okay. What do you mean nothing?"

"By nothing I mean nothing, ball sack. The warehouse is fucking empty."

Frantic rustling of papers and violent knocking of objects could be heard on Roy's end of the line. Jason sighed, going to pinch the bridge of his nose before realizing he had a helmet on. 

The whole situation was throwing him off his rhythm — that much was evident. The intel they had collected on the gang of criminals seemed too obvious, too predictable. Jason had his suspicions, but Roy was quick to shut him down. 'Dude, trust me,' he said. Famous last words.

A crackle of static sounded in his earpiece. Roy's voice urgent and choppy before completely dying out. Jason could only attempt to call out to his partner in the hopes of a full response, but his efforts brought no avail. That's another thing that went wrong today.

"Hey, sexy."

What in the fuck.

"Your ass looks great from this angle. The party you're looking for is in a bar on the other side of the city, by the way."

You couldn't actually see him, but he doesn't need to know that. It's just your thing to mess with him, and by the sounds of him cussing you out for hacking into his means of communication, it was working. It was amusing. He kept you entertained.

That was all you had to say to him for now though, so you bid him goodbye. The roaring of his motorcycle over his colorful language directed at you was the last thing you heard before you cut off and allowed his partner to get back on the line.

"Jaybird? You there?"

"Ah, you're back. I'm never trusting you with getting intel again."

"Whatever. Anyway, was that...?"

"Yeah. Y/v/n."

"Hm. I don't know what she's on, but you have no ass like–"

"And yet I have more ass than you, so shut the fuck up, paddle board."

“That... That was a bit harsh, bro.”

Soft gushes of wind blew against your masked face. You shut your eyes, feeling the breeze and relishing in your little moment of peace. Lazily pacing, you hummed a random tune.

Your mischief and cunningness is something your alias was known for. Most often, it's a convenient trait to be able to slip around with ease and get the job done in a snap, but sometimes you get bored. It can be such a drag when nobody tries a confrontation with you. That's why you're so fond of the Red Hood. It's a shame that it's been a while since you've seen him around, so imagine your delight when you feel a familiar presence behind you.

You took a seat at the edge of the building. To anyone, you would've looked like you were having your main character moment, peacefully looking over the city if not for the small pile of bodies rotting away not too far from you. The dried blood on your attire and your fingers no longer irked you in the slightest. It's something you've gotten used to, which lead to your habit of picking the blood under your nails. Red gets annoyed when you do this — all the more reason to entertain your habit in front of him.

You let your legs dangle over the edge without a care. You didn't bother to greet the vigilante, who currently had a gun aimed at your back. Sigh.

“Oh, I do hate the sight of blood.”

“Well then, maybe — just maybe — you shouldn’t kill for a living.”

That got you to turn your head to face him. You cock an eyebrow — doesn’t he kill for a living too? Sure, his victims are usually criminals and thugs while yours are people you’re paid to target, usually business owners and the occasional politician, but you digress. Details. The point is, he kills people too.

A few seconds of staring and prolonging the tension passed, and Jason weighed his options before eventually putting down his gun. He then opted to join you on the ledge.

“So,” he started, “what’s your favorite color?”

Funny.

“Sweetheart, if you thought you’d be able to keep me entertained with small talk... I think I’d rather you shot me.”

You stood up from your spot on the ledge and leaned over the rooftop to examine your altitude. You grin to yourself.

“What are you doing?”

You don’t answer. You want to see something. Instead you turn your body to face Jason and mockingly salute him before leaping off the building, though not before you heard him call out your alias’ name and yell a panicked ‘Wait!’

Immediately after you, Jason followed. You chuckled when you saw him get closer. You enjoyed fooling him around almost as much as you enjoyed fooling around with him.

With no time to waste, he pulled out his grappling hook, yanked your body by the waist, and zipped to the rooftop of the nearest building — one different from the last one you were on.

Jason‘s heaving chest radiated distress.

“You’re fucking insane! You could have died!”

You stood in front of him, arms crossed and your stance relaxed. Nobody would’ve suspected that you literally jumped off a building just a few seconds ago. Aw, you pout, he cares about me.

“Would’ve made your job easier. You know, you heroes are supposed to get rid of the bad guys.”There’s humor in your eyes. Jason knows you’re enjoying this. He hates how much you enjoy this. “So, why’d you save me?”

“Why’d you help me with my mission last time?”

He’s deflecting. Cute.

“Hey, I asked you a question first.” You know he won’t budge til you give him an answer. He’s probably been asking himself that question since it happened. You mentally pout, aww he thinks of me. Sigh. Okay, fine.

“The gang you were after just so happened to have given me a job a little while ago.” You recall some of the gang members attempting to grope you. Some unpleasant memories you’d rather live without. “Pissed me off. Now your turn.”

Why’d you save me?

A pause. He shifted to look to the side. Oh, this is interesting.

“You could have died.” Ah, this again.

“Well, you’ve died,” you remind him. “Not that it really stuck.”

He says your name — your real name. You wonder when he discovered your identity, but then again, you’re not all that surprised. It’s him after all.

He can see your growing smile the longer he refuses to answer your question. He knows you’re already thinking of something, and still opts to ignore your question, allowing you to further indulge in your thoughts. He dreads you enlightening him; he knows it’s coming. Jason could not fathom how one woman could frustrate him so much.

“You like me.” There it is, he thinks. There’s your stupid smirk and your dumb air of arrogance.

“Come on, just admit it, hot shot. You can’t live without me.” Okay, maybe that one’s a bit of a stretch (just a bit), but you stand by it nonetheless.

You grin wide as you approach him. Leaning slightly forward to grab Jason by the collar and pull him down to meet your eyes, you repeat yourself.

“You like me.” Stated with more emphasis, like a significant fact that you try to drill into your head when studying for an exam.

“I’ll shoot you.”

“Please, daddy.”

© smolla-than-a-bug, 2021. please do not copy or repost my works. reblogs are appreciated!

tags — @iwriteaboutstuff @comicsgirlimagines @httpfandxms

[fangirleaconmigo]

Friend!!! I'm so late and people already asked so many, but here: 🤯 ⌛

Sofia dear thank you for the fic writer ask! ♥️

Can I just say, (since you said people have already asked so many), that I am still in awe that people send me asks now. You spend so long on social media yelling into the ether and then deleting posts that get no notes and posting and sending asks and being friendly and wow it really takes so long (a few years!) to get actual interaction, that now that I *am* getting interaction it feels like a miracle 😂😭 I’m like weeeeee!! Anyway ok on to the ask.

🤯 What's a genre you struggle with as a writer (ex. romance, action, etc.)?

It is definitely a moving target. First, I didn’t know how I was gonna write romance, given that I’m not a romantic person. But I figured that out. Just write love. Love is love.

Then I had to work through the mortification of writing sex scenes.

My next frontier is angst. I have multiple barriers to that.

Maybe this is tmi? But I have always taken an excessive amount of responsibility for other peoples feelings. The thought of making anyone feel bad is so deeply repellant to me, that I get anxiety at even sharing fiction that could make people feel bad.

This is even though I KNOW that feeling sadness with fiction can be so cathartic and positive and helpful. I know that rationally. I’m well aware. But feelings aren’t always rational. It’s something I have to work through with my irrational mind.

Also, when I write “harder” angst I start pulling on my more difficult memories and experiences in order to write it, and I don’t always want to go there.

HOWEVER I really really want to grow and expand my abilities and horizons as a writer. So I’m pushing myself.

It is why I’m doing the gladiator AU, but it’s also why that one is causing me so much anxiety to share. I’ve gotten the first three chapters filled out and beta’ed and it’s sitting there waiting. I keep messaging my beta being neurotic about whether it’s ok. She’s a saint. The fact is, I have to decide for myself that it’s ok.

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

So long. Weeks at minimum for a chapter. Months at minimum for a fic. I’m the slowest writer I know. When people wait months for an update from me it’s not that I’m not writing. I’m writing every day. I just still hate what I’ve written and I have to keep fussing with it til I don’t hate it. And as I get to the end of a fic, it starts taking longer, because as the good lord chucks says, endings are hard.

(I used to post more frequently but it was because when COVID hit I was sent home from work and literally had nothing else to do)

[queenlua]

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue.  see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP.   and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP.  so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on.  there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc.  you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

[tobios-shawty]

For the Great King:

A/n: happy belated birthday to my adorable pretty boy :') also this is angst ._. Ik it's his bday but angst is my specialty and it turns into fluff so ;p anyways enjoy bbs <3

not me posting this two days after his birthday

Also not going to proofread cuz else imma delete the whole thing😃

Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort :3

You weren't exactly a dependant person. You were pretty independent, all throughout college you barely depended on your parents as you had a scholarship and had a part time job to support your other expenses, so it was no surprise when you weren't dependant on Tooru in your relationship. You did most of your tasks on your own but Tooru told you and showed you that it was okay to ask his help and that he was more than willing to share your work to help you out as he didn't want you to stress over the tasks you had to complete. Even though he'd gone out of his way to show you he doesn't mind helping you still rarely made him help you knowing he was a busy man- with his volleyball and matches you didn't wanna stress him either.

So it came as a shock when he lashed out at you when you asked for a helping hand.

You had some things you wanted to box and send home as it was cluttering your space and you knew it'd have a much better purpose with your parents who might use them rather than leaving it here in your house to collect dust. You tried, you really tried not to bother him as he was busy watching his soon to be rival's previous matches trying to get an insight to how they did things in their team, but you had to because you just couldn't reach the box no matter how high you tried to reach, standing on your tippy toes, stretching to the maximum of your ability. But you couldn't, you just couldn't reach it and so you decided to get out of your comfort zone and ask him for help.

"Hey tooru.."

You asked in a soft voice as he sat there staring intently at the screen of his computer, earphones stuffed in his ears. He gave you a quick glance before focusing back on the screen knowing you knew better than to disturb him right now. But even though he didn't look up he knew you were still standing there as he felt your presence. He didn't know why but he suddenly felt agitated, he was already slowly getting frustrated as he was watching the previous matches of his rivals. He was confident his team could beat him, it'd be hard but they could, they would. But if they slacked off they'd lose immediately.

"Tooru.."

You called a bit more louder this time.

"Hmm..?"

He hummed back in response, not really paying attention to what you said as you continued speaking.

"Tooru baby I need your help."

You said while fidgeting with your nails.

"I swear I wouldn't have asked if I didn't have to. I tried to get it down but I just can't reach it."

You said while looking down and frowning a little at how it had frustrated you earlier.

"I know you're busy but please..?"

You said before looking up and realizing that he didn't hear even a word of what you said.

"Tooru."

You said more sternly.

"Are you even listening?"

You said, your voice raising a bit.

"TOORU OIKAWA"

You almost yelled which caught his attention.

"What?"

He roughly stated.

"Could you please help me get the boxes down from the top of our wardrobe?"

You gritted out through your teeth, slowly losing patience.

"Later."

He said dismissly.

"Tooru-"

"What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? Why can't you for once do something on your own y/n? You always depend on me gosh. Just for once don't bother me!"

You reeled back hurt and confused. You didn't know that's how he felt.

You immediately rushed back to your room and buried yourself under your sheets as you let the tears flow.

You didn't know how long it had been since you dozed off bawling your eyes out. The room was dark, the curtains which were drawn in the morning showed you that it was quite late as the skies were black.

You quickly got up and went to your washroom and washed your face. As you walked out you saw the boxes resting atop your wardrobe and earlier events flooded back to your mind and you had to hold yourself back from letting out a sob.

You decided there was no point in waiting around for someone to help. You pulled a chair close to the wardrobe and decided to try again like you lid last time but this time you wouldn't give up.

"Almost there.."

You told yourself as you reached out stretching your hand out as much as you can. Honestly it was slightly starting to hurt. As soon as you got somewhat a barely there grip on it you tried pulling it towards you. Slowly but steadily you dragged it through the surface towards you bur of course things couldn't go right for once because next thing you knew you were falling and you were pretty sure it wasn't graceful.

You slowly gain conciousness as your sleep fades away to a throbbing pain in your head. Slightly groaning you take note of your surroundings. You were lying on your bed and at the foot of your bed sat Tooru.

His head hung low but as soon as he felt the movement on the bed his head immediately shot up and you were faced with a red faced tooru with tear streaks running down his cheeks. Your heart crumbled at the sight and you immediately scooted over to him to wrap your arms around him in a tight embrace, the events from a few hours ago long forgotten.

Tooru held you even tighter and sobbed into your shoulder, chanting "you're okay" over and over again. Your bodies shaking with how hardly he sobbed. All while you tried to get your boyfriend to talk, to tell you what happened for him to be in such a state. When he somewhat calms down he pulls back to look at you, his eyes scanning you from head to toe as he caresses your hair.

"You're okay"

He says with a sigh, pulling you towards him into a hug.

"Tooru what happened?"

You asked, your voice muffled as you were held close to his chest.

"I-..I came to apologize after how I had spoken to you earlier when you asked me for something after I realized how rude I was and how I must've hurt you..b-but when I came in to our room.. I saw you, your body, lying motionless on the ground and.."

He didn't have the courage or voice to continue.

"I'm sorry I'm so so sorry y/n."

"I know I hurt you, I know I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that but please don't scare me like that again."

"Tooru it wasn't on purpose I was just trying to reach for the-"

"I know and I'm sorry I should've helped you. It's my fault, if I had helped you then you wouldn't be in such a state right now. I'm sorry y/n. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault baby I knew you were busy and I still bothered you."

You said as you somehow held him in an even more tight grip.

He violently shook his head.

"No. NO. It wasn't your fault. I should've listened. You're more important Y/n."

He hugged you tighter, lying back on the bed and pulled you over him and held you as you buried your face in his chest.

"Let's just stay like this okay?"

You hummed out your response.

oki bye >_< lob uh 3000

[earlgreytea68]

Maybe it's bc I'm from a country whose gov wiretapped innocent people they saw as their enemies but I can't believe people PAY MONEY to get spied on so they what? Don't have to press a button?! I'm not angry or anything just absolutely baffled at how many people ACTIVELY choose this dystopian nightmare shit. Things are bad enough already so I just wonder how both those things (anger about fb&owning alexa) fit together. Not attacking you, just genuinely wondering about the thought process (1/2)

Valid question! Here’s my thought process:

First, the Facebook thing is actually less about the collection and sale of my data than...a really, really long tortured relationship with Facebook that needs to end now. Not that I agree with the collection and sale of my data! Because I don’t! But you should know my long history, because I think it explains my thought process. 

I registered for Facebook early, when you still had to have an edu email address. I thought I had it locked down, private, friends-only. Then, a few years later, my boss walks into my office and closes my door and gives me a talking-to about “inappropriate Facebook posts.” To be clear, I was never a person, like, posting topless photos on Facebook or something, nor was I complaining about my boss really. It was more like, “Ugh, I have to work all weekend, sorry I can’t go to this party!” And she was like, “THAT IS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION THAT YOU WORKED ALL WEEKEND.” And I was like, ...how are you even seeing my Facebook, you’re not my friend? So (a) I was spooked, because when your boss yells at you because of Facebook, it’s terrifying, and (b) I was completely bewildered that she could even see my Facebook. Upon investigation, it turned out that at the time (and this was a decade ago), if you put down where you work, EVERYONE who also put that place down could see your Facebook, even if they weren’t your friend and your Facebook was friends-only. (I think Facebook has changed that policy now.)

So, terrified, I deleted my Facebook. But this was back when not having a Facebook caused this whole public outcry thing and my friends freaked out and so I gave in and re-started a Facebook, posting very little because I was terrified. But I still used it. Until I got depressed and started therapy. My therapist told me to keep a stress journal, where I wrote down whenever I felt a spike of stress, and going on Facebook consistently showed up in the journal as a source of stress. So, upon my therapist’s suggestion, I stopped going on Facebook. I still kept it instead of deleting it because I didn’t want people to freak out the way they did the first time, but I stopped using it. 

Fast-forward many years, and in January of this year, I tried to open a Facebook for the psuedonym I use for novels. Facebook immediately flagged me as suspicious and asked me to prove I was me by uploading a photo. And I was kind of like, ....Why do you need my photo? What’s that going to prove? All I can assume is that, of course, they have a database of what we all look like. How they know I’m not just grabbing  a random photo of the person I’m trying to impersonate off the internet is another question entirely. But I was like, Fine, whatever, I don’t feel like fighting with you, Facebook, so I gave up on having a pseudonym page. 

And then I started thinking: Why did I still have a Facebook? I never go on Facebook. All the stuff had happened with the election, so it wasn’t like people would freak out anymore if I deleted it, they’d totally get it. And I kind of no longer wanted to give Facebook bragging rights about how many users it has by counting me when I don’t actually use it. And Zuckerberg’s attitude seemed to be that if you didn’t like Facebook, you shouldn’t use Facebook. I COMPLETELY disagree with this sentiment on his part because I think it completely ignores how many people can’t opt out of Facebook at this point, but luckily, I can opt out of Facebook. 

...Or so I thought. 

Except that I requested deletion of my Facebook, and they confirmed deletion and said I was scheduled for deletion within two weeks, and then...just never deleted my Facebook. Which I only know because they keep sending me emails about me being tagged and people sending me messages (even though I also keep requesting to be unsubscribed from those emails). (And also my friends still on Facebook confirm for me that I’m still on there.) I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get in touch with Facebook but...you can’t. It’s impossible. Try not being on Facebook and finding ANY contact information for Facebook other than a paper mailing address. If you find the contact info, please let me know!!! They have zero available email addresses, they don’t respond to their Twitter, and the phone number that circulates online is a dangerous scam stealing your social security numbers (which Facebook knows and warns you about but still doesn’t provide you with any way to contact them). 

So my anger with Facebook isn’t just about gathering and selling my data, it’s the culmination of years of mistrust and knowing it’s not healthy for me in general and then BEING DENIED MY RIGHT TO DELETE IT AND BEING RENDERED COMPLETELY POWERLESS. Like, the longer this has gone on, and the longer I have realized that there is literally nothing I can do to get Facebook to delete my account, the angrier and angrier I have gotten. 

So. That’s Facebook. As for the Alexa, well. You’re right. It sits in my house and is probably recording everything that happens in the house. Which is...basically nothing. I’m only home a few waking hours a day because I work full-time. I travel most weekends, so I’m not there on the weekends. I live alone, so I don’t talk much in my house. I have people over maybe two or three times a year, and then I can unplug the Alexa and stick it out in the garage and I feel relatively okay about that???? I might be kidding myself there, but, if worse comes to worst, I can throw the Alexa out entirely, and I think I’m okay. So I feel mostly in control of Alexa and its eavesdropping on me. 

I worry more about the fact that I’m supporting Amazon in the first place, since I disagree with most of Amazon’s policies. I feel really guilty about that and do want to extract myself from the Amazon dependency I developed. My only shopping option in my town was Wal-Mart, and at the time when I moved there a few years ago I thought it was better to support Amazon than Wal-Mart. Now I’m not so sure about that (although I guess the lesson I’ve been learning is that there is no company I really want to give my money to). 

I also worry more about the fact that I have a smartphone than an Alexa. I was very, very late to adopt a smartphone--years and years after everyone else had them--because I was very wary of them. I’m used to them now, but I don’t like how much information the smartphone has on me. I’ve given up a little bit, because I just...did. But the information the Alexa has is tiny compared to how much my phone has. And we all know that we have our suspicions that the phones are listening to us the whole time. And I *do* talk on the phone. I don’t talk much in my house, but my phone is the device I use to talk on (I talk a lot while walking around the neighborhood, waiting between classes at work, etc.). So the phone is getting every conversation I have, not the Alexa. 

All that said: I don’t know that I can completely disconnect now. I shouldn’t have a smartphone, or a Twitter, or a Tumblr, but I decided that at a certain point what I’m really going to strive to do is be conscious about this technology and work to shape it in better ways. Is this naive and idealistic of me? Yes. Undoubtedly. I have nothing I can say to defend myself on that point. I absolutely should just unplug...but that’s difficult to do, and I do feel like (as the EU is trying here) there are ways to make this technology less dangerous. 

Anyway. That’s my thought process. I think we all make the decisions we feel fit what we’ve considered. I don’t care much for Facebook, so it’s easy for me to disconnect (well, it would be if Facebook would let me, which is part of my major Facebook problem). I find Alexa useful and because I don’t do much around it and it’s connected to less stuff than my cell phone to begin with, it doesn’t bother me as much, and I feel like I can change my mind and get rid of it fairly easily. Of course, I could be wrong about that. I always thought I could delete my Facebook at any time, too.  

Everyone might get done reading this and think, Wow, EGT is an absurd human being who makes zero sense. That is a completely true statement. 

[snapedefender]

I hope this is the right place to do this your blog seems to get a lot of traffic. I'm sorry if I got the wrong place but if it's is would you mind posting it anyway and tagging the right blog for this? I just feel like people need to be warned after the hell I've been through. I got into a really triggering argument with this anti slytherinpokegirl trying to explain to her why the Snape is an incel posts are not ok and how some of us have had real experience with men like that. This is msg 1-3.

I made the mistake of sharing really personal reasons why it's a issue. That was stupid of me I know. sorry. And no matter what I said she just turned it into a competition to make it this pain olympics thing to invalidate my feelings. When I saw she was just manipulating me and I wasn't the only person trying to reach out to her about it she was doing this with I gave up. But the next day someone sent me really violently graphic snuff 'porn' in my submission knowing it would trigger me.

I totally shut down and I missed work without calling in and I'm trying to fix it w/my boss. My roommate found me curled up in bed sobbing. I don't want trouble which is why I'm doing it this way instead of making a public post on my blog. People still need to know to block her. I'm pretty sure it was her but I can't prove it anyway. I've blocked her and turned off everything which is upsetting because people sent me nice things before this. I feel unsafe on my own blog I may even delete. 

hey love! you sent me this a few days ago but i’ve been thinking it over before i decided to share it, sorry it took so long.

first, i’m sorry that happened to you. it sounds like a super shitty situation all around and you didn’t deserve it. you weren’t being stupid to share a personal reason for why it’s an issue and that person’s choice to be an especially shitty human being isn’t on you. you dealt with it as best you could and i hope you can fix things with your boss so that this doesn’t hurt you any further than it already has.

second, i talk a lot of shit on this blog. a LOT of shit. but i do think it’s important that we step back, take a breath, and take a moment to regain some of our humanity. because no matter how much shit i talk, the sheer amount of apathetic hatred it would take to knowingly trigger someone astounds me; i can’t imagine doing that. i can’t imagine how anyone would be so willfully, blindly hurtful to someone else.

we shouldn’t have to lay out our painful personal histories and traumas to justify our feelings or our reactions to things. we shouldn’t have to hand out these insanely private details to be taken seriously. and we especially shouldn’t have those traumas and triggers used against us after exposing them. triggers are serious and harmful; they’re not jokes, they’re not something you “get over” and they’re not something anyone should try to knowingly set off. 

dude, if you need to delete your blog to find peace, do it. if being on tumblr is making you unhappy, scared, or unsafe, leave. i mean it. you should never have to spend time in places that make you uncomfortable or unsafe, especially not online, where you can tailor so much of your preferences. that’s the one great thing about tumblr; unlike unsafe situations in real you, you can actually just bail from this hellsite without many repercussions. 

what’s important is your mental health and overall well-being. so make a decision that’s most going to benefit those things, okay?

as for this slytherinpokegirl... well, i don’t block people normally. for me personally, it always feels like i’m conceding to them in some sort of way (not to say people shouldn’t feel free and confident to block - it’s a really beautiful, useful tool, just one i myself have problems using out of personal pride lmao). but this person wanted me to spread her message, so i’ve decided it’s for the best to send out a warning about this person. i would also encourage everyone to read raptured-night’s responses on that recent post about antis posting in the general tag - she had a lot to say about the op there and some people want to block them as well if they haven’t already.

and finally, this is a reminder that fandom spaces should be fun and open and celebratory. i know i’m not the best person to say that since i spend approx half of my time just Yelling here but it really disheartens me to see this kind of bullshit happening in a space that’s supposed to be about collaboration, listening, and, more importantly of all, fun. 

[sibilantly]

hi, sib. i just read your fic persistence, and it was so beautifully done that i wanted to drop you a note. your writing has seriously been such an influence on mine, but lately i've been having so much trouble because of my ocd. now i can't read anything without nitpicking the grammar, much less write. it's been this way for months now and i feel like i'm losing my mind. all i ever wanted was to write something good but... well, at least i still get to read something by you. i shall be content.

I’m sorry for the delay in replying, anon. Your message was so thoughtful, but also struck this… almost painfully bittersweet, personal note with me, and I had to take a couple days to reflect.

I’m so happy you enjoyed Persistence - it was a lil 500 word labour of love, but it’s somewhat different from my usual body of work, and I was a bit nervous putting it out there. So I’m delighted you enjoyed it. And it’s quite flattering to hear I’m an influence on your writing, since I feel I’m still learning the craft of writing, in many, many ways. Thank you!

Now, as for the latter half of your message…

Oh, anon.

Nonny non anon, I feel you. I’ve been… well, perhaps not right in your shoes, as I have never had OCD. But I’ve been in the same vicinity, most definitely.

Up until half a year ago, or thereabouts, my writing process was: write out a few paragraphs (if that - sometimes it was barely a paragraph) and then rework them. I would rework them over and over and over, until I felt they were just right. Only then did I feel I could move on. I felt like I was laying the foundations for a house, you know? If I didn’t get the first things laid down just right, then everything that came after would be on shaky ground, might even come tumbling down.

Thing is, writing is more like sculpting. You dig up some clay (your discovery draft or your outline, whatever), you mould it (your first draft), and then you carve and add little bits, over and over (editing. and more editing. and more. fucking editing >.>)

Anyway.

Eventually, I started slowing down, and the threshold of what I could stand before I needed to edit got smaller. It became ‘write a few lines. stop. edit those lines over and over’. And then it became ‘write one line. stop. edit that line over and over’. Rinse, repeat.

It got to the point where I stopped writing completely, for almost half a year, because everything I wrote down was so far from what I envisioned in my head, it was crushing. I had the exact same despairing thought you did: ‘All I want is to write something good’. And if I didn’t write it down, if I kept it in my head, it was good. It was perfect, in fact. Surely that was better (I thought to myself).

I feel you, I feel you, I do.

I wish there was some magic bullet that I could use to erase all those thoughts from you, to divide writing from editing in your mind, because they’re two very different processes. I would… well, I would use it on myself first, because I am human and selfish, but then I would turn it on you, and everyone else who is plagued by this period ;)

But the horrid thing (which I was very, very displeased to realise), is that if you want to write, the only thing you can do in this period is just… push… through it.

D:

It’s the worst fucking epiphany ever. If I got that in a fortune cookie, I’d be fucking pissed. But it’s seriously all there is.

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to write, if you ultimately decide it’s not for you.

BUT.

If you do want to write, or if there comes a time when you’re not content with reading, and… y'know, you’re willing to indulge me, random fanfic lady on the internet, I want you to do this:

Pick up the pen (or put your fingers to the keyboard, but if you can, I recommend pen because you can’t backspace pen and paper) and eke out some words every day.

It doesn’t have to be a lot. It might just be a sentence.

Whiskyrunner, who we all generally acknowledge to be amazeballs, went through a period where her goal was 10 words a day because she knew she could achieve that.

That’s important. Pick a word count that you know you can achieve, not one you have to push yourself to achieve, because if you fail, you will self-flagellate. Trust me, I have been there. I hated every son of a bitch who recommended ‘write every day’, because for every day I failed to write a page, I’d hate myself a little more, and the joy I found in writing would shrink. (And they’d always recommend a page, or pages, and I’d be like, ‘What, motherfucker? There are some days when I can’t summon up the energy to get out of bed, and you want me to write a page? Pages?’ There should be some script that edits ‘write every day’ to ‘write an amount that’s achievable for you every day, even if it’s one sentence’, I think.)

Write until you hit your word goal or until you’re satisfied, whichever you have the mental energy and fortitude for that day. If there’s a day where you do the latter, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to match that the next day. Don’t move the goal posts. Your goal is still (X) words. Everything beyond that is like the stretch goal on a Kickstarter. Nice, but not the main aim.

Next (and this is the hard part - or, at least, it was for me: do nothing.

Don’t tweak them. Don’t delete them. Don’t touch them.

The second you hit your goal, close the doc, close your notebook - whatever you write in. You did it, you achieved the goal, which is ‘(X) number of words’.

Do whatever you need to do to remind yourself of that.

Your goal is not '100 (or 50 or 25 or 10) good words a day’. Your goal is words.

Just words.

To paraphrase Bane: now is not the time for qualitative judgement, only quantitative. Right now, you’re at the 'digging up the clay’ stage of the writing process. You’re just trying to get enough clay to sculpt into some lumpy-looking motherfucker which you will eventually carve down into your nice sculpture.

(Don’t think about the sculpture right now. Think about (X) number of words, and digging up clay.)

There was a point where I did all sorts of objectively bizarre things to remind myself of this, and to outfox my anxiety-ridden brain and its need to edit, including, but not limited to:

- writing on a fresh page each day, even if it meant 90% of the preceding page was still blank

- opening new docs each day to write my daily goal (which I would then have to piece together later, haha)

- using that program - ilys? - that only lets you see the last letter of what you typed

- muttering to myself ‘the goal is (X) words. the goal is (X) words. the goal is (X) words. only the number of words matters. only the number.’

If you’re anything like me (and, hey, I felt your message on a deep level, so I think we’re at least a little alike), you will hate every word you write with this process. You will hate this process, period. You will want to go back and retool the words because holy fuck, what if someone, somehow, gets access to your notes and sees this mess you just eked out? What if you die, and all that’s left to show of yourself as a writer is this half-written piece of shit?

(Okay, maybe that last fear is just me.)

Still. This is normal.

But how you feel about your writing immediately after writing it is not an objective, accurate measure of how good it is. You’ll be tired, you’ll be stressed, you’ll be comparing it to the image you have in your head and thinking about how far apart they are and despairing.

Stop there.

Close the doc (or the notepad, or the notebook, or turn over the post-it note (I did that at one stage, too - writing on post-it notes, haha)). You did it, you wrote the words. You dug up some clay. No one will see them but you, and whoever you choose to show them to. You can edit them later. You can make them better, or throw out whole paragraphs or whole pages if you need to. But later. Only after you finish the draft, however many new pages or new docs (or post-it notes) it takes.

Try to be kind to yourself. It’s so damn hard, I know it is, but try to remind yourself that what you wrote for the day does not define you as a writer. Even the finished, edited work does not define you. It just shows what you were capable of writing in that moment, on that day, at that point in time.

I can’t guarantee this will work for you. But there is something to be said for habit, for retraining one’s brain (to a certain extent). If you do want to try writing again, and you try this, anon, know that I’ll be proud of you, and I’ll salute you for the very act of trying.

Much love,

Sib

(P.S.: Here, I recovered a partial copy of the very first draft I wrote of Persistence. I don’t know where the rest is (on paper, probably), but hopefully it’s enough for you to see the difference between draft and finished work, and to… idk, have a good chuckle, maybe, but hopefully feel reassured, too ;). We all write shitty first drafts. They’re the clay that you mould into something better.)

They’re two levels down, in a sunny, light-filled build meant to evoke the mark’s childhood home and favourite holiday spot, when the windows and the door and the fucking walls blow in, and a SWAT team swarms in like a tide of gun-toting ants.

(DUST, STUFF FLYING EVERYWHERE. YELLING. CHUNK OF PLASTER GOES FLYING TOWARDS EAMES.)

Eames ducks, which means the chunk of plaster misses him, but, unfortunately, takes out Cixin, their extractor, with a wet crunch. They’ll have to work on Cixin’s spatial awareness later, Eames thinks.

The SWAT team levels their guns at the remainder of Eames’ team. Even a few years ago, Eames might’ve considered running. Now, he just raises his hands, gets down on the ground when ordered to.

Everyone else runs.

There’s sporadic gunfire, the sound of running footsteps, truncated screams and cut off swearing as Eames’ team is violently kicked out, one by one.

Eames stays where he is until silence reigns.

(FOOTSTEPS, A GUN MUZZLE AGAINST EAMES’ BACK, BUT NO SHOT COMES.)

Eames peeks upward, just in time to see the leader of the SWAT team yanks his mask off, revealing Arthur’s exasperated, sweaty face.

“I can’t believe you’re working today, of all days,” Arthur says. “I should probably shoot you just for that.”

“But you won’t.” Eames rolls over onto his back, smiles his most charming smile as he gets to his feet. “And you have to admit it’s somewhat fitting, me working today.”

Arthur smiles fondly, diluting the exasperation. “Maybe.” He looks Eames up and down. “You look good.”

“You’re lying, but thank you,” Eames says. He nods at Arthur’s outfit. “That looks good on you.”

Arthur is inspecting his outfit. “You know, this wouldn’t be a bad disguise, if you were working on an opposing team. Make the other team think you’re the mark’s militarisation–”

“Stop right there.”

“What?” Arthur says. “Worried you’ll be tempted away from the side of the angels?”

“Worried I’ll be tempted away from my regular paycheck, anyway,” Eames says, sniffing.

Arthur chuckles, then nods upward. “Are they going to give you the kick soon?”

“Not just yet. They’re probably debating whether or not I’ve gotten to the safe or not.”

“You need to get on top of that,” Arthur says. “You can’t have your team hesitating over what to do next on live jobs.”

[kingsuckjin]

Hey moon, i just read your post on how fanfic writing can be such a pressure. You know you're one of the first writers i read fanfics of and decided to open a tumblr account. Your writing is so good moon. I hope you know it. And i actually understand where you are coming from. Maybe not with writing but with other stuff that i love to do. I think it's only human nature that we feel like doing better that we did before. Fear of failure, rejection it gets everyone i believe. So i think it's okay that u feel like that? Like okay in the sense that i happens cause we're all humans and it's part of the struggle. Pretty shitty but that's just how it is. When i get overwhelmed i usually take some time off of everything and everyone. Like get in solitude type until i feel like i fixed myself enough to face the world again. Whatever it is that's making you feel so tired or guilty (which it shouldn't be) i hope you let yourself heal from it. Life is changing all the time, so even though if you feel like you can't do this anymore right now. Sometimes later you might get the enthusiasm back to do it again. And then it wouldn't matter if anyone is liking it or following it much or not. It'll be only about your happiness. I hope you find that soon moon. But attaining you inner peace is the first thing here.

Idk if what i'm trying to say made much sense. You don't have to reply. I just wanted you to know this. I hope you feel better soon. Sending positive vibes and good wishes. Take a virtual hug and stay blessed sweetheart. Love you tons ❤💜❤💜❤💜❤

Hey there love🖤 it made perfect sense. This is going to be a long one and I'm gonna put warnings Tw: sexual harassment, bad friends, mental health, name calling, bullying and just a lot of terrible things I've been through and me explaining why I just can't be here on this blog. I know I've said dome of it before but I'm telling you, you all really have no idea.

I don't know if it's as much burnout or guilt as this blog is becoming overwhelming and I'm not sure how to maintain it. Before I started writing is casually comment on fics and leave reviews and compliments, and sometimes writers wouldn't answer them and I felt like it was something I did or said or they just didn't care, I was a whole idiot then. Even when I started writing and began to kind of gain a following I said to myself “this is easy to reply to comments and messages and requests, I don't have to accidentally hurt anyone by not replying” and then I just kept growing and learned how dumb I was. I love the interaction, and I read it all, every comment, every ask, every message and I'm unbelievably grateful for it and I'm fully aware other writers lack it and need it (and to even say all of this makes me feel terrible, I also deal with the feeling that I don't deserve all the kindness and comments) like, other writers get little to no interaction but sometimes when you aren't at your best mentally it's hard to keep up with even the slightest amount of interaction with people and often times id take a break after putting out something that did well because it was a little overwhelming and I also didn't feel like I deserved it (good old imposter syndrome). I have so many friends I've made on here that don't do as well as I do but in my opinion are MUCH better writers. On the opposite end, I've also had “friends” on here that would talk to me only to ask me to reblog their fics. Idk that's the other end of it, you just don't know who to trust on here and who actually cares and wants to really be friends. Since I've announced that I'm leaving this blog it's really shown me who actually cares about me as a person and not only whatever little measly about of influence I can give and bring to others. So I just want away from it all.

My actual plan is to shut it down here on kingsuckjin and keep writing on my other blog where I have set up boundaries for limited personal interactions. I don't care about the likes or reblogs, I just don't want the tangled web of this blog anymore. This is a hobby and it should never be this deep, but I know it was my fault for making it this deep so now I'm just going to start again and just keep it as a hobby and not let it take over so much of my time. It's not that I don't have the willpower to write, I'll always write, it's what I love, I just don't have the willpower to deal with some of the toxic stuff and people that come along with it all when you're in too deep here.

It's all just draining, and that's not even counting the terrible and scarring asks I get telling me bad things that someone is going to do to you all and myself, you wouldn't believe the stuff I've gotten and that I know others close to me have gotten in their ask boxes. Some people say they don't get anon hate and it makes me so happy to hear them say that, I long for that, I know a lot of us do. But leaving this blog is like leaving a bad relationship. I see my peers get a wave of anon hate and I say “fuck, not this again, that makes me feel so bad”, I see a wave of fics being stolen and say the same thing, I see other writers bullying smaller ones and say the same thing, I see racist people, gatekeepers, people hating on olderpeople here, people scrutinizing others hard work, people hating on genders and sexualities. You know what one of my first asks was when I started? “You need to be using more commas, it's hard to read your fics and you look illiterate” and English isn't even my first language, it's not the language first learned, I didn't learn it until I started school. I'm not a professional writer I've had never claimed to be a good writer, I didn't ask for any “constructive criticism” or anyone's two cents and honestly some people just need to keep stuff to themselves.

I've seen too much shit and while I spent a lot of time fighting all sorts of shit on here because it feels right, but it gets me nowhere and nothing but being labeled as some sort of a problematic blog and I’ve been told by other writers “yeah, I blocked you because I don't want to see that problematic shit on my dash” after I was fucking bullied along with countless others by one group of people. You can imagine after taking all of this, everything I've mentioned so far, how someone could feel too drained and scared to interact with people on here.

I know blogs that don't get into stuff or talk about things like that and I'm definitely not saying they're wrong because I now have a blog that I do that on too. Tbh, sadly, I think that's where a chunk of my followers came from, not my fics but me saying something isn't right and it feels in a way that I've gained followers off of “drama” and that makes me a little sick. While not saying anything and ignoring problems on here might not be great and also ignoring it won't make it go away, neither will me getting all fighty and upset over it, that just hurts me. I just want things to be more shallow, I just want this to be just a hobby again.

Anyway, the point I suppose is that I just need to shut the hell up and keep this place as it's needed to be for me, a place for me to share my writing and that's all because it's what best for me mentally. While interaction and stuff is great and myself and other writers do love it, there can be a darker shadow that comes with it like asks that state gross shit in detail that they would do to me or all the hateful the comments on fics id have to delete. I've been stalked, sexually harassed, plain old harassed, bullied, manipulated, made fun of, blackmailed, backstabbed, lied about, exposed, yelled at, and called horrible names more than I've ever publically and openly ever shared with any of you on this blog and more times than I can count on two hands or even four. Some people are fuckin just... well, they're not good, and it's made me just a little bit bonkers as well. it could be manageable, any one or two or even three of these things I've listed could be manageable and enough to carry on, but it's been a lot to keep carrying with all of this built up over the past few years. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love this place and how it brings people together and helps make changes and do so much good, but at the same time FUCK this place and I say that from the bottom of my soul. It's time for me to stand back away from it all and start again where I limit everything. I just wanna chill and write somewhere fresh and that's what I've been doing and I love it so much and I don't think if trade any about of followers, notes, popularity, or whatever else for it, that's not what it's about for me and if it is for someone else then that's okay, that's fine, as long as they're not hurting others to get it. I'm just saying I'm having a hard time engaging normally on here with everything else that's happening and has happened, it's just a me thing and I speak for no one else and it's nothing at all that all of my kind, supportive, loving, and talkative followers and moots have done.

[lovenwar13]

Why I'm Single.

A while ago I started talking to this guy online. Who doesn’t? It was anonymous and he claimed to just be looking for something casual. We exchanged faceless pictures on an app where we met and I knew that the pictures would disappear after a few moments. After talking for a while he seemed okay. I wasn’t blown away with him but he seemed nice enough and he asked to text. I said yes. As the days went on I got busy and he became clingy, texting me multiple times on different apps each day. Until one day he friended me on Facebook and sent me a message. I haven’t given him my last name. I blocked him and deleted the message because it gave me a funny feeling in my gut. Then he messaged me from a DIFFERENT Facebook page that had the same name as the one before. So I blocked him on everything. The app, Facebook, his number. The next morning I receive a text from a number idk. Nbd, I don’t save a number unless we’ve actually hung out. It just says, “is this [my name]” to which I reply, “who is this?” ITS HIM! even though he doesn’t answer my question and right away launches into his acquisitions. He wants to know what he has done that made me block him on everything. At this point I’m mad. Like please, just take a hint. I tell him, “well, do you think that maybe it has something to do with this?!” He claims I’m over reacting and then yells at me to LEAVE HIM ALONE. as if I was the one that tried to talk to him on 5 different messages. What’s the big deal? This is what dating is in the world we live in. If you message someone on a dating app and they don’t reply, you assume they’re not interested. In my opinion that’s much more polite then “hey, you’re ugly and I don’t like you.” Or if you’ve been talking to someone for a while and you decide you don’t like them sometimes you just ghost! It’s happened to me before, sure you might be a little sad, but you get over it! Because you’re an adult and rejection is just a solid part of that. BUT THAT WASNT EVEN THE CASE HERE. He made me feel very uncomfortable so I stopped talking to him. I don’t care. He gave me a really bad feeling. I tell him I’m sorry and that maybe I might have over reacted (a lie) but he doesn’t care and starts to call me names. He says that “since I played him, he’s gone play me” how? By posting my nudes on the internet. 🙄 I don’t care. My face isn’t in them and I’m really pretty sure that he doesn’t actually have them. But I start to feel sick. I ask him why he cares if he was just looking for sex “maybe I started to like you!” We had talked for maybe half a day. I ask what on earth posting my nudes is going to do “embarrass you! Eventually they’ll get back to you and your whole family will see them” very unlikely but, um, okay? I tell him that this makes him no better than me (which is a lie! Because I’ve done nothing wrong! And was apparently right in my feeling that this guy was nuts!) he doesn’t care about all of that. What really gets me is that he has the fucking nerve to try and make a “deal.” He says that if I go on a real date with him that he’ll delete the pictures in front of me and that he’ll even pay. Like I would go on a fucking date with someone who is blackmailing me?! He says I have till 3 pm to decide or that he’ll post them anyway. I say “I would never go on a date with someone who is blackmailing me. So if you’re going to be a jerk and post someone’s pictures then just do it.” He calls me stupid because “it’s not blackmailing because I just told him to do it lol” He says that I’m a slut for sending them to him and that he wasn’t missing anything on me anyway. Now that he knows that I just “work at a coffee shop” (which I don’t even work at anymore but idk why that’s embarrassing anyway? Like, oh no! She’s working a minimum wage job part time while she goes to school to become an eNGINEER. That’s gross.) so I finally block the second number. And a few hours later I get another text from another number saying, “is this [my name]?” I block it instantly.

Now every time I get a message from a number idk I block it immediately. I’m afraid because he’s obviously unstable if he’d go through all of that for a girl that he talked to for about 6 hours anonymously. I’m afraid because I’m sure there are more guys like that out there and not being interested in them is a crime in their minds. I’m afraid because somehow I’m supposed to fucking date knowing there are guys like that out in the world. It makes me really sad.

I know it’s wrong but it’s really turned me off to dating as a whole. I know not every guy will be that way. But I’m really not ready to run into one who is again.