#decided to change the perspective because idk if I could done that perspective again

[mc-tummy-blur]

It’s been a whole year since I made this TSP:UD art, so I decided to remake it.

I have… a lot of thoughts about the original art piece… thoughts I’ll put under read more

Ko-fi

I don’t have a lot of followers, nor a lot of interaction on my art. So when I made the original shitpost meme art a year ago, it was a surprise to see it suddenly gain traction and rapidly get notes. It was exciting to see honestly.

It was so exciting to see that it got to my head, and it felt like I needed to make more art relating to The Stanley Parable, and also of shitpost meme quality. That other art didn’t get as much traction as the original did. But the notes from the original art piece kept getting bigger and bigger. I guess in a way the combo of not getting traction from that other art yet the rapid increase of the original art put me in an art block of some kind. Or left me feeling stuck creatively.

I began to resent the og art, as it was still getting notes and it put me in a creative rut. I didn’t wanna draw, or really didn’t know what I should draw and post onto here. Didn’t do anymore TSP:UD art either, I just didn’t have the creative drive for it. These feelings of resentment for that art and sadness that I was only getting traction for that, lasted for a while. Even when I was doing other art for other fandoms in the next months. It may seem ridiculous that some shitpost art had that much of an impact on my art in general, and I found it ridiculous too.

But, slowly, I began to accept that the shitpost art was going to keep getting notes for a good while. It’s a little over six thousand notes now. The acceptance helped me do other art that I found enjoyable to do, as I was doing it for myself again

I’m not sure what’s the main moral of me telling this, besides that you always gotta do art that’s for yourself and to not expect to get anything out of it

Also the irony is not lost on me that when creating fanart of The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe, a game that centers around the idea of what happens when we are so caught up in something because it was good/popular/made people laugh, and how it’s not healthy to just try to recapture that magic and expect it to get the same results because it’s just not possible, resulted in me having experience of making something so popular and wanting to recapture that experience again, and how future work felt more forced, and it was much harder to make, causing me to be in a rough mindset

It’s quite scary on how relatable The Narrator really is.

Anyway, onto some positive stuff, imma share a compilation of my favorite reactions to my og art.

And perhaps the best reaction/commentary that I think about constantly:

[thechekhov]

Since you've covered a pretty big bit of the manga so far, can I ask what are your opinions on it? Deeper than just the quick reactions you've shared with us so far.

What are your opinions about the manga's characters? Its pacing? The mystery element? The magic system? What areas do you think it succeeds, and what areas do you think could be better?

I understand if you're reversing judgment until you finish, but you've also read quite a bit of the story so far. Idk, I'm just curious!

Especially seeing as you're a writer yourself, so I imagine you have a different perspective on how the story functions as, well, a story!

Oh, hmmm... that's an interesting question.

As of right now I'm on chapter 35-36 so I'm about a third through the story. The first major arc (find dragon, yoink falin out of its body, etc) has kinda happened, and we're hitting some larger world arcs.

As you mentioned, I DO want to withold judgement but for now... But I will say what I think thus far, with full awareness that my mind might be changed later depending on circumstances.

Comment 1: The manga is finished! Actually, just knowing that makes me feel like it's a more cohesive storyline.

Maybe I'm boring, but I'm not a huge fan of neverending storylines in general. Naruto, Bleach, etc. They have their place in the forever-young-monster-of-the-week genre, and I know why so many manga just keep... on... publishing....... but I feel like there's a lot of merit to being able to just wrap up a story and say 'there, that's how it ends'.

Comment 2: Laios is very well developed, even at this point of the story. Senshi remains a mystery. Marcille... speedran her arc?

I think this is the closest thing I have to a criticism. While I think Laios' character is well-paced in its revelations throughout the series (the slow ramp-up from 'oh this guy is weird' to 'oh, this guy is a freak club card carrying member' to 'oh, this guy is the freak club president' was great!) Marcille is.... a little more of a mystery to me.

Now, perhaps my memory is bad. But I did find her turnaround at the end of the Red Dragon arc a bit... out of the blue?

Don't get me wrong. I think it's entirely believable. But I wish there had been more hints - or rather, more visible progress of her studies of ancient magic. I know it's been mentioned, and there WAS that chapter of her and Falin during their school years... but watching episode 2 of the show on netflix when she goes 'I feel useless, my magic doesn't help anyone :(' and then reading the manga and seeing her straight up go from 0 to 100 as she decides "we're gonna rearrange falin's bones and then I'mma raise her using this ancient technique I've been studying all along that I didn't tell you about because it was sus" is... a little bit of a turn?

Maybe it's on purpose! Maybe, when I read further about her personal journey, the pieces will fall into place more neatly. But compared to the rest of the characters, which seem relatively steady in their reveals (Laios, Chillchuck, Senshi) Marcille took a bit of a turn.

Which, again, isn't bad! It just seems contrasted to the rest of the team.

Comment 3: The magic system is more like a magic ecology.

Actually, in the beginning, I found the magic system Marcille used very vague. It was just a 'do what needs to be done' type of power with very few apparent limits or power balances aside from 'sometimes you run out of mana'. But I think at this point, I'm beginning to assume that the details of the magic are closer to the functions of an ecosystem or an organism, and therefore WHAT the magic does is kind of moot point. Marcille is just a little bacteria inside of the great intestine labyrinth of the dungeon, and she is using its energy to survive, like a sort of microfauna.

Comment 4: Man, the worldbuilding is cool. It's so cool.

I don't think I've seen another story that goes so deeply into dungeon ecosystems before this one. Not only are the people who live there fleshed out in terms of individual cultures and traditions and norms, there are also monsters that serve as a natural fauna that inhabits the halls of what OUGHT to be a mindless 'turn left and fall into a trap' setting!

There's sticking monsters into your world, and then there's 'digging out a trench 1 meter deep, pre-soaking the soil, inserting monster's roots lovingly into the spot, and then covering it with fertilizer and spritzing the leaves'. I don't doubt that there ARE other works that go into this level of detail, but the dedication and the ideas Kui-san has for this very much makes the dungeon a living part of this entire tale. :)

I'll probably have more to say later but for now.. that's about it!

[daggernamedhope]

KOTLC Unraveled thoughts -- spoilers!!

I've read Unraveled and wow. It was better than I thought it was going to be. I really want to discuss it with others who've read it! Below are some of my initial thoughts and takeaways. The rest of this post is spoilers. Don't read on if you don't want spoilers!

!!!Spoilers!!!

Lord Cassius being an artist and actually helping Keefe was a big surprise. I also loved how Keefe figured out his dad's insecurity regarding his artistic ability -- ha!

I liked the cultural references especially the Taylor Swift t shirt!

I don't love that Alvar was so prominently featured for a few reasons. The main one being that he's a shady guy who's done a lot of bad stuff and other than a few throw away references he makes regarding past mistakes and choices, I still don't think he's trustworthy. I do think he gives Keefe a lot of good advice and obviously him being there was crucial for one of Keefe's revelations regarding his abilities.

The interaction with Eleanor was random and a little unbelievable. And also underwhelming. I guess he got the resolution he needed in some ways but it just seems like he could have gotten a lot more out of that interaction. And now what, they're never going to talk again? I would have preferred more Keefe Eleanor time to all the Keefe Alvar time. It would have been cool for him to actually get to know a real human. And I liked her character!

One thing I find unbelievable is that there wasn't a single instance of human girls swooning for Keefe. Isn't he supposed to be incredibly good looking even for an elf? It seems a bit out of character that no one would have hit on him while he was there.

Regarding the big revelations that are supposed to be relevant to moving the plot forward (that SM promised were in the book!) -- that was pretty disappointing but I expected that. I honestly expected his book to be a lot of filler so I was glad to get some more details but none of it seemed earth shattering to me. The most impressive thing about this book was from a character development perspective. We really get to see how Keefe is growing and changing as a person. But what did we learn?

- Keefe starts learning how to control his abilities -- this is new but not super surprising

- there may be another step to Stellarlune -- already knew that

- Stellarlune involves rocks -- already knew that- Gisela is a master of planning the long game -- already knew that, although I think what maybe shifted in this book is Keefe deciding to focus on how to beat her his way instead of on trying to piece together her plans. It's kind of felt like Keefe's hallows vs horcruxes moment.

I was excited to finally see a reference to the fact that gay people exist, even if it is only for humans and not for elves. Better than nothing although honestly Shannon it's pretty much too little too late.

I loved reading the reunion scene from Keefe's POV, and the kiss scene. I honestly wish there had been more in between, like some of Keefe's POV on his training with Grady.

The biggest conundrum I'm left with after reading this is how to grapple with all the secrets Keefe is keeping from Sophie. These are all things she in some way should be told or needs to know. Hopefully he will find a way to be honest with her soon, especially since it seems like they're going to start dating and it doesn't bode well to have a relationship start with so many secrets. He is actively lying to her about a lot and I feel like before they kissed he probably should have at least told her that there were things he wasnt telling her and that he just needed her to trust him . She would have and at least then he wouldn't be lying to her. Idk something about it just doesn't sit right with me. And I don't buy the rationale that he can't tell Sophie about Eleanor. She would understand and she would keep it secret for him. Alvar is trickier because she wouldn't be able to hide that from Fitz if they want to keep being cognates and no good comes from Fitz knowing. But it's stupid that he agrees to keep Eleanor a secret. Why? Because she threatened to expose Elvin society even though she doesn't even know "what" Keefe is?

I also of course wonder how this all relates to Elysian, and to Gisela's plans, and how any of it is relevant to the big Elysian cliffhanger at the end of Stellarlune. I really feel like we have virtually no new info that is relevant to that, and Shannon promised that there would be reveals in this book we would need for the final book to make sense. Maybe that will only become obvious once book 10 comes out, but from my perspective I really learned nothing new that's plot relevant other than that Eleanor is still alive and not dead, although she appears to know nothing we didn't already know so not sure how that's important. Also we obviously get confirmation that Alvar never died, which I already suspected since he'd never been confirmed dead so yeah, I am really struggling to identify one solid piece of info from this book that's new and that will become relevant to Elysian. Maybe it's all the kind of abstract stuff Keefe learns about how his abilities work, the pools of energy? Idk!

[passthroughtime]

decided to write down several LJ/kuwana/kwgm(-related) things that i’ve been mulling over recently. though i wanted to explore this all in my fics, but it isn't happening any time soon, with how i am discouraged by my own wip's posted chapters... (it's hard to see good things there for now, i just hope that it gets better on its own... magically changing my tired author's perspective to "wow there is actually great things about it" myself... copium.) so. just making a post. for now. or ever. idk.

1) kuwana is lonely, and he is trying to find someone who will understand his pain

that's an obvious one, of course. the way he talks about sawa and finds similarities in his and yagami's experiences; this all is him trying to find someone who'd share his pain.

seeking out kusumoto with a revenge plot as a resolution for the root of their traumas has the same motivation underneath it. kitakata was shunned from society, his career is tarnished. the only thing he has is lots of time to reflect on his mistakes, without means to remedy them: he can't be a teacher again, so he could stop any bullying in the moment. i believe that an attempted suicide of his student reflected bad on any type of a child-assossiated work he could focus on to make a difference. he has no direct opportunity to prevent the same situation from happening again.

so, he goes to kusumoto, thinking she despises kawai just as much. she does, and even if it takes some convincing (because, unlike kitakata, she has a life/something to focus on beside the loss of mitsuru), she agrees to avenge her son. but when everything is done, kitakata is left alone yet again, with his guilt, and anger, and absolutely nothing to live for.

he drinks a lot. his appartment is a mess. he lives under a false name for a decade, so there isn't much people left in his life who knows of his past. he is alone, but that doesn't matter because he's already arranged a future for himself. he has a purpose, as he sees it, though. by avenging others, he remedies himself in the only way he sees available. it doesn't make it easier, because the bullying problem still exists, but he at least does something, right? gives a closure to families who lost a child. it's something.

so, yeah, it's a pretty obvious idea, but seeing that all of this is just circumstantial evidence bothered me. what if i'm just a kuwana apologist and it's not that deep?

but...

it is. it is that deep. kuwana doesn't argue with that, he is silent for a moment after yagami says this line, we can't see his face/what he feels at the moment, and after starts talking about a whole other topic. as far as i can see, yagami hit the nail on the head. (and i'm not that delusional about kuwana. yay.)

2) trust falls & the "you are not a piece of shit" journey

i've been talking about it before, but this is still a big one for me, because the whole final section of the game happens only because kuwana's life relies on yagami's decision to help him, by kuwana's own volition.

he doesn't know for certain if yagami's view of him changes after the boat scene, and i imagine he has a pretty clear idea of who yagami is and where his priorities lie at this point. he won't be helping some murderer to survive; but that's the only info yagami has to make a decision on.

yes, kuwana asks of yagami and his friends' safety when he makes a contact with bando: that's him building trust and making sure yagami knows he doesn't throw them to the wolves. but it still is a gamble, so he has a plan B. (which is to blow up soma, kawai's body and presumably himself — presumably, because the game doesn't say it outright, but kuwana has to be certain that soma is right next to the body and has no means to escape, right? so he has to see it with his own eyes. with the blast from the explosion and rk being around, the chance to make it out exists, but imo is rather flimsy.)

yagami shows up, and kuwana's chance to survive goes up.

now, there lies another problem. yagami's been thinking that kuwana is just another piece of shit murderer for the whole game. this is why that's a gamble for kuwana, BUT it is also for yagami when he says that kuwana isn't that bad to blow them all up. and it happens because kuwana tries to take advantage of yagami's prejudice.

i'd want to believe that atp yagami knows for certain that he really isn't and that's him calling out kuwana's bs... but that gives too much credit to yagami LOL sorry. that's hard for me because he spends an entire game ignoring who kuwana is as a person because of his own trauma/experience (meaning, the conclusion he comes to in the end of the first game. which is the main source of yagami's bias towards kuwana for the entirety of LJ, with its conclusion being that it's not that simple actually). at least, kuwana says it directly to him once (as far as i remember), so there's that.

i won't recount every instance of yagami projecting his own trauma on kuwana and consequently being so wrong about his character (i can do that, i don't see the point), because we all know that yagami is a major bitch, right?

why he bitches towards kuwana so consistently is... a question for sure, and i believe it loosely ties to fandom's interpretation of kuwana's character as well. (no shade intended lol, i've been changing my opinion on this several times already.)

but it's important to point out that i've noticed that, mostly, eastern's and western's interpretation of dynamic in kuwagami differs: western fandom considers kuwana as the annoying one while eastern fandom sees that yagami pisses kuwana off. i agree with both, to an extent. they have a very delicate balance of mutual annoyance, i think, and it presents itself differently throughout the whole game.

the first two scenes with kuwana (meeting at plage, and attack on yokohama 99) have kuwana purposely being a nuisance. in the first scene, he needs yagami's name, so he doesn't intend on letting him go until yagami tells him. in the second, he makes sure to be in y99 until his plan takes place, so he stays there in the pretence of wanting to join yagami's investigation (and butters up kaito while he's at it).

the important nuance: the first scene has yagami being a complete asshole almost unwarranted because he has always been a bitch, it's literally his default state (re: JE. every scene in JE.), and it indeed pisses kuwana off. the second scene has kuwana making great points as to why he can be of value to yagami, while he just. keeps being a bitch. again. there is no real/valid reason for him to decline kuwana's help. he just doesn't like him.

the rest of the game... well tbh, i was surprised to see how uncharacteristically chill kuwana is when we/yagami meets him the next time at sawa's apartment. because, you know. kuwana goes there suspecting that sawa has very complicated questions to ask him, and he plans to answer them with honesty. all that, and he sees the detective who's been unknowningly investigating him all this time. i won't be surprised if he presumes sawa called yagami here. that's just an example.

well, i'm not saying that kuwana is completely innocent and doesn't make his remarks out of nowhere, he just matches yagami's freak his shit-talking, for me, is more reactionary than that of yagami. yagami is pissed at him 24/7, literally every time when they meet, and says shit to him constantly. in his defence, there are moments here and then when we can hear compassion in his voice and he's almost chill. but there is less of them than the moments with yagami being his usual self.

yeah, kuwana is a murderer and all, but i still believe that yagami is very biased because sometimes it seems like he doesn't even hear what kuwana is saying. but i've kinda said it all before, so i won't repeat myself.

...uhh, what was i talking about? kuwana is not an asshole. his bitchiness is mostly reactionary, with yagami being a usual instigator of bickering. he isn't genuinely angry at yagami (re: eastern fandom's hc). he cares for lots of people (the gang, children suffering from bullying, kusumoto, sawa), he was a teacher after all, and he took his student's attempted suicide so bad that he's given away all his life in his name — he has to feel guilty and responsible for that, and he doesn't place all responsibility on his bullying students.

as we see with kawai, his students and even mikoshiba, he gives bullies a chance to redeem themselves, and acts, if he sees that their apologies weren't genuine and they learnt nothing from this tragedy. well, maybe i am a kuwana apologist, ANYWAY...

the problem with his characterisation is, we don't see him interacting with other people much. the rest of the gang? only if he can forget that yagami's in the room (yeah, even going out for beers with kaito was, in a way, to piss yagami off), which is for some reason is incredibly hard for him. only thing that i can recall is him being condescending towards sugiura's remarks during their whole talk at tesso's, but sugiura does draw away his attention from yagami so it's sugiura's fault LMAO

oh, and him talking with his students. which is still about yagami, because he tries to turn them against him, while kuwana himself escapes.

but i love this line anyway, such a disappointed teacher moment lol:

mostly, we only have yagami's pov to judge kuwana's character from with our own eyes. other people's accounts...

well, i don't really want to delve into it.

tl;dr: i should play around with their dynamic more, and question my vision TM more. seems to be fun to do so. (and maybe try finding instances of kuwana not being that nice, because i fear me writing him gentle and such is totally biased.)

3) when kuwana is actually an asshole

yeah, we need to acknowledge the fact that kuwana orchestrated the attack on yokohama 99, even if the game doesn't do that lmfao. i don't want to surmise much, because, yeah, i believe we don't see tsukumo and sugiura's reaction upon realising it was kuwana's plan. but i need to revisit the canon just to say it for certain

we can see sugiura being angry at kuwana's students. and while meeting kuwana for the first time after the reveal at tesso's— well, he doesn't seem really glad to see him too.

but the most infuriating thing is that kuwana still has yagami in his mind while doing it. he tries to drive away yagami when he meets yagami at plage with a threat on his life; he orchestrates the attack on y99 with a treath on his friends' life.

he achieves nothing of course, because yagami is yagami, he has no sense of self-preservation lol, that's his whole deal.

so afterwards kuwana goes, fuck it, i have no time for this, — and disappears from yagami's sight until the unfortunate (or fortunate, if you look at it the other way) meeting at sawa's.

the thing is, sugiura and tsukumo were re-classified in his mind from "collegues" to "yagami's friends", and that's tragic for their relationship, honestly. they were the real collateral damage kuwana is at fault for.

because sawa is, well... if kuwana knew he had to be careful not to create a connecting thread between his murders, he would't go through with mikoshiba's murder. he cares for sawa, and he can't forgive himself as it is. this is the same as with mitsuru, he doesn't ignore the threat, he doesn't even know it exists.

while the attack on yokohama 99 is 100% his fault. what exact orders about what his students can and can't do to tsukumo and sugiura were, we will never know. sadly. but he is to blame anyway.

on the topic of kuwana endangering other people's safety — now ignoring possible consequences, though...

yeah. this scene.

to be fair to him, there is no prior evidence of yagami not being able to stand his ground. idk if (how much of) yagami's involvement in the mole/AD-9 case is known to general public, especially the fact that yagami survives the fall, the following concussion, and a fight with a serial killer cop. there is enough evidence though to not doubt yagami's abilities even in LJ up to this point. yagami fights off liumang's attack twice. kuwana knows how good yagami is in a fight firsthand. they were doing well against akutsu and rk up until this point. yagami should be fiiiine.

but then he isn't. he is almost killed. kuwana doesn't mention if he knows of that, and they don't talk about it. sawa being murdered is more of a concern to both of them. we don't know how kuwana feels about leaving yagami in grave danger. even though it hardly was his intention, i don't think at least; several minutes earlier yagami says kuwana to run, to which he hesitates, until yagami assures him that he really should leave him behind. and, saying it again. there is no real reason to believe that this situation will turn out to be THAT bad.

i don't know for certain of course, and i'm, saying it again, biased. though, nonetheless, i think there is some reason to think kuwana knows about yagami barely surviving the last time they were against rk.

this scene literally parallels with kuwana leaving him in chapter 7. rk with their leader present, a very real threat to yagami's life (with akutsu and soma saying to rk what to do with them even, lmao) and there's only two of them against a big group of enemies. yeah. i feel so stupid for not realising this earlier.

as kuwana catboy-assigned yagami said himself:

yagami's luck is bound to run out someday. kuwana doesn't risk it happening this day, not if he can help it; he doesn't intend to make the same mistake.

[ouatsnark]

hi, idk if you’ve ever talked ab this but do you think that there’s anything regina could have done that would have properly classified her a hero and actually earn people’s forgiveness? this account has changed my perspective on things so much😭 could she really have gotten redemption with all the things that she’s done

Hello! Thank you for the question. I do not think I have ever dedicated an entire post to just this. You could probably piece together my thoughts on it if you dug through enough of my ramblings! But who wants to do that? So this should be fun.

I would honestly classify Regina as an anti-hero. She joined Team Hero to keep Henry and get her happy ending. We know this because we never see her express regret for the hurt she caused others. She only expresses sorrow for her own loss of a happy ending. And she admits she hates doing good in Season 5 finale. So her good deeds were self-serving.

In my humble opinion... The only way for a child abusing, mass murdering, rapist like Regina to achieve a complete redemption would be for her to sacrifice herself for the greater good without expecting anything in return. And she would have had to stay dead. There is just no coming back from the evils she committed. She did not deserve life let alone a happy ending when she’d robbed so many of theirs and never showed remorse for that.

Now the creators didn’t want to kill Regina off because she was popular (but not as popular as her rabid fans want to pretend she is) and I get that. But I think the writers could have gotten Regina a little closer to being a believable true hero if they'd:

1) shown that she’d had a true change of heart

That means facing her victims by showing empathy for the hurt she’s caused them. Her deciding to play hero with them is not that the same thing.

That means seeing Regina groveling for forgiveness instead of her victims groveling to her (like Emma over Marian etc etc). So a little less of portraying Regina as a victim when she isn’t and seeing more of Regina making things up to the real victims.

That means no more of Regina putting the other characters down and instead showing humility.

That means seeing Regina return the hearts she stole because she regrets what she’s done and needs to help her victims.

That means seeing Regina take responsibility for her actions instead of blaming everyone and everything else.

Which I think if she’d done all this then it would’ve been more believable to me that her victims would forgive her. But we never see any humility or regret from Regina that stems from what she’s done to others because again it’s always about her own happy ending or her pain.

2) addressed her abuse of Henry and the rape of Graham.

Seeing that Regina goes on to have a life with Henry and claims to be Emma’s friend, these two crimes needed to be addressed. The show sweeping Regina’s abuse of Henry under the rug like it never happened was infuriating and disgusting. As was her rape and murder of Graham. She needed to confess these things and face the consequences. But instead she just gets away with it and pals around with the heroes like none of it happened. The guilt of what she’d done would’ve been crushing her if she’d had a true change of heart. She can’t get a redemption if her most heinous crimes that effected the people she claims to care about are ignored.

So to sum up: I believe that the only path to a complete redemption for Regina was a sacrificial death. The only way for her to be properly classified as a true hero & it be believable that her victims would forgive her is if she’d shown true humility, regret, remorse and owned up to things she did to them vs having those crimes retconned or forgotten. But sadly Regina can’t even come close to a redemption because all of that is missing. It’s just not possible. Because what’s left? Only her doing good deeds to get her happy ending which isn’t much of anything at all.

Thank you again for the ask. And I am glad I can offer a different perspective on the show.

[hypnotisedfireflies]

(DISCLAIMER: So this is more a thought to explore...rather than a prompt per say...but you could also treat it as a prompt if it inspires you!)

Our favourite bunnies go at it pretty fearlessly because Tess can't have any more children. How does that landscape change if she could?

I've read some fairly unreal Pregnant!Tess fics, that's not what I'm suggesting here. But I think it would be interesting to get the Arien treatment 😎 on maybe a conversation or a scare?

(idk, tbh, I really struggled with myself about this one, whether or not or put it to you, but then I thought, hey wth, why not!)

Hi!  Thank you for sending this thinky piece to me!  I’m going to answer it here rather than a prompt (hope that’s okay) as I’m not sure I could do this justice as a full story, but it is certainly interesting to consider.  I’ve been turning it over in my mind for a few days to get my thoughts in order.

Making Tess infertile in Drifters was deliberate to avoid traversing into some very dark territory because, other than the killjoy of pregnancy scares, I knew I’d be looking at going into multi-miscarriage territory.  I think given the diet, the lifestyle, the tension and the constant dangers, bringing a baby to full term would be extremely difficult.  And while bringing a baby (or a dozen, given these bunnies) into the story could’ve had its moments, I think it would have ultimately drawn focus away from what I wanted to do.  And I also felt, well, they had enough to worry about without tormenting them with that, too.

I’m also kind of untraditional myself, so the progression of in love = married = babies isn’t really my jam, even though I still find the concept kind of intriguing from a fictional perspective.  (I mean, Tess and Joel as parents?? It is appealing.  And I kind of flirt with that a bit with the fever dreams).

So with my rationale of why I did not do this out of the way I can now just give you a brain dump of Tessjoel pregnancy ideas that I might have done something with (and who knows? Still might somehow ...!)  So trigger warning out there, this would be dark:

Tess finding out she’s pregnant between Missouri and Tennessee and hiding it for as long as she can, hoping it will just go away on its own or more likely

Joel figuring it out before she does because he is Attentive Father and Husband 101 and being like, “… is there any chance that maybe you might be … pregnant there, Tess?”

Violent morning sickness resulting in the trio holing up somewhere we didn’t see in the story – Tess quickly unable to travel, basically.

Everyone being extremely miserable and scared about it the whole time.

Tess ultimately miscarrying and then a whole lot of trauma and guilt because she wanted that to happen.

Joel not there when it occurs and Tess only telling him like, days later that it’s gone.

Joel wanting the baby the whole time, because his key jam in life is to be a father, and although he was sensibly scared about what this would all mean he actually felt good about it.

Tess then breaking things off with him entirely, not so much because she was afraid of falling pregnant again but because of the guilt being amplified when she realises that he really wanted it.

Meeting up with another group a few weeks later when they get moving again and Tess deciding that she’s going to leave with them.

I don’t know, maybe not seeing one another for awhile?  Months?  Maybe a year or so?

Finding one another again, maybe somewhere like Sioux Falls/if not actually Sioux Falls.

Naturally they’re at it like rabbits again, nothing has changed about the way they feel for one another.

Things are good for awhile, they’re careful.

She’d fall pregnant again and this time they’re like, okay, maybe this is something good, maybe we should do this.

Tess extremely stressed, maybe not so ill this time around but not really coping so well.

Joel being the one to have a handle on it, he’d just think she was so fucking beautiful pregnant it’d be sickening lol. He’d be rationing himself to give her the best food etc.

Another miscarriage, this time Joel is there and with her the duration.

This time it pulls them closer together rather than pushes them apart.

… I did say it’d be pretty dark, lol.  So yeah, I think that’s probably the kind of journey the Arien Treatment would’ve given that storyline.  It would have changed everything.

[immortalled]

hi! i’m so sorry if this is strange, i’m just working on a story and i’d love a second opinion ^^’ no pressure to answer this at all! it’s very hard to explain without proper context so bare with me

i was wondering how you think nathan would react upon finding out he’s the only person who can kill a creature that’s been plaguing him and his friends for a while, in a sort of IT inspired way? most of his friends would be dead at this point, so it’d be like a heroic attempt to make up for their losses by strapping himself with explosives lmao

he’d be around the age he appears in the show but in a tiny rural town setting with no powers

it’s a little up in the air for me on whether he would do it and what could happen afterwards, i’ve kept this quite vague mostly because it is just a loose storyline i’ve strung together while listening to a song, but if it sparks anything for you i’d love to hear!

Hi, Nonnie! Not strange at all! I love talking to people. ♥ (And apologies in advance, this got long because I started analyzing him LOL. Please feel free to skip the analysis under the cut if that doesn't interest you.)

Okay, so first off, I'm flattered you're asking me, and secondly, this sounds like a really fun fanfiction. If you're comfortable, I'd love to read it! If you ever post it on Ao3, please feel free to drop me a link! I'll subscribe!! c:

As for your question... Of course, please do always play with him however you want! I'm far from any kind of... idk, definitive authority on his character LOL, and fancreations are your own sandbox, so I'd never want anyone to change what they want to do based on my or anyone else's personal interpretation of a character. But! My personal two cents is that whether or not Nathan would sacrifice himself like that is really down to how strong his connection with his friends has grown and if he thinks there is anything to gain or save by doing so!

Nathan Young is a character who loves living. He's the embodiment of the early 2010s YOLO motto and that particular brand of unapologetic, teenagery/young adult joie de vivre attitude is why I think the storm gave him immortality as a super power. The rooftop scene in the S1 finale is a great example of this and his entire speech about going crazy while you're young, even if it's dangerous, is actually a really solid look into Nathan's worldview and what seems to drive his impulses. In fact, I think rewatching that entire episode might help you get a better perspective on Nathan and how he might handle the situation in your fanfic!

So, that is to say, I don't think mortal!Nathan is the kind of person to sacrifice his life for anything without very good reason. In fact, I'd argue that he wouldn't at all without immortality as a safety net. He's kind of a coward at times and tends to dodge anything painful or unpleasant, be it emotional or physical. But let's look at the times he sacrificed or almost sacrificed himself in canon!

S1E6 - Falling from the Wertham Community Centre. Nathan does not know he's immortal here and he almost doesn't go back for his friends at all. He only decides to try stopping Virtue because he's been pushed to the edge and realizes how much his weird little ASBO family means to him. Without them, he's totally alone again, and Nathan hates being alone. Although, in fairness, I also do not think Nathan believed there was a possibility of dying in this scenario. Rachel was mind-controlling people, not murdering them, and he clearly did not account for the fact that either of them would lose their balance. I am unsure that he would have done any of this had he known he might not make it out alive... maybe if he had exhausted all other options? Either way, the key here is that he did take risks because he thought he could still save his friends.

S2E2 - Trying to save Jamie. Nathan doesn't think before running toward the burning car to save his half-brother. He could have died here because the ecstasy he took reversed his power, but it's unclear whether or not he heard Simon's warning or if it would have made a difference. Considering how blind the reaction looked, I don't think being immortal or mortal would have mattered. But, still, he was acting on the hope that he could save Jamie.

S2E4 - Almost lets Tim gut him. In order to keep his friends from being killed by Tim the Crazy GTA NPC, Nathan agrees to be killed in their stead. However, he has to be pressured into it by his friends despite knowing he will come back to life. I think Nathan would have deeply regretted it if he had let Tim kill them, but in that moment he was far more afraid of the pain of death than anything else.

S2E6 - Suicide for fame and going toe-to-toe with the Murderous Milkman. This is one of the best examples of Nathan's growth and how he has begun to cope with his power in an extremely unhealthy way. In this episode, we see him toy with the idea of allowing himself to be killed for fame (albeit not without a little bit of peer pressure from his manager), which he does on-camera. We also see him try to legitimately fight someone for the first time when he seeks out Brian specifically for revenge after learning Brian murdered Kelly. In both instances, Nathan knows he will or could die, but he's willing to go through with it anyway because he's immortal. Dying hurts, it sucks, but he's learning to see it as something unimportant when he's able to come back to life. Obviously, he wouldn't kill himself on camera without immortality, but I think it's fair to question whether or not he'd attack someone out of revenge for a dead friend. Maybe? I don't personally think so, but it might be worth watching this episode again and analyzing the scene for yourself.

S2E7 / The "Christmas Special" - Blocking a gunman from shooting his friends. I admittedly have some beef with the characterization and overall writing of this episode, but I don't think that this particular scene is OOC. In this episode, an armed gunman bursts into the bar where Curtis works and is about to shoot. Nathan wastes no time getting in front of the gun and telling him to shoot, who cares, he's immortal. It's all very badass until he's reminded uh oh! he sold his power and is actually mortal now. Realizing that, Badass Hero Nathan vanishes and he flings himself out of the way to avoid being shot (which gets Nikki killed in the process). Now, obviously, this scene is set up entirely just to fridge Nikki and you could argue that Nathan isn't as close to Nikki as his other friends, but I don't think that would have mattered. If Nathan, mortal, had the choice between jumping between his friends and a bullet or hiding... I really do think he'd hide.

Don't get me wrong, Nathan can be selfless and heroic. The fact that he's immortal does not cheapen the fact that he was willing to endure the pain of death and what appears to be a very unpleasant resurrection process for the sake of potentially saving or avenging his friends. Nathan's an ass, and he's regularly selfish, but he is not a bad guy and he sticks his neck out for people he loves way more often than any of them give him credit for. But I also just do not think that he'd be willing to sacrifice or get himself hurt if he had no supernatural "take-backs". If he sacrificed himself, I think it would have to be accidental, as with running to save Jamie; some great, fatal risk that he does not consider fatal because he's too wrapped up in an emotion greater than his fear of dying.

For your story, I think you would have to either push him to the point of not being able to think past a greater fear, or you would have to remove all other options from him. Friends gone, family gone, way of living, maybe even the rest of the world, gone. Or perhaps he's trapped, somehow, in a place where he can't return to the rest of the world? Maybe he's stuck in a place where it will forever be just him and the monster that's been hounding them. I think that he would have to sit with that revelation for a while, wear down, and then maybe he would seriously consider destroying himself to destroy the creature, if the alternative is too suffocating and grim to bear. Whatever the reason, without his friends to save, the catalyst for his decision would need to be something that directly affects Nathan, not people who are no longer alive.

Anyway, that's just my very long two cents. Again, fictional characters are up to interpretation and I think most any character can be pushed and changed to do whatever you want in the right circumstances, especially AUs. So don't let my opinions stop you if you want to take his character a different direction! The most important thing is to have fun and write the story you want to tell. c:

If you have any more thoughts or want to brainstorm some ideas, though, I'm happy to bat around some stuff with you and see what sticks! I read IT several years ago and loved it, so seeing the Misfits gang thrown into a similar situation sounds like a ton of fun.

[starfruit-baby]

What is the difference between Leo Manfred and Gavin Reed in your opinion? Like, why do you think Leo is worthy of redemption and not Gavin?

I don't like Gavin, and I didn't like Leo either, but your posts are making me think

in retrospect, i guess 'redeemable' wasnt the right word and im sorry for using it, since technically, as far as canon is concerned, we never see concrete proof he truly sees androids as equals, much less regrets any harm done by his own hands and words. right now i think the word i could use would be "sympathetic", since what we CAN do is walk through his backstory, and connect the dots from his life to his current thinking, even if it doesn't necessarily excuse his actions, far from even. by now im gonna be talking from an utterly biased perspective so its not quite set in stone, im prone to fucking up what is or isnt canon or weighing in personal judgement from My preferences, so just a heads up, but going a little more into it:

like, putting yourself in his shoes, he was a child of a fling, and his rich father although comfortable enough to openly claim him, did not bother to visit him personally until he was a teenager, an already difficult phase for the average person, only to be met with scorn because by this time in his life, he found solace in the wrong crowd and vices. and from this point on trying to get closer to his father is useless because of something so difficult to change in yourself.

and then, once disabled, Carl gets a machine to help him around, which is normal at this point in time. but, as the game makes it seem at least, carls whole behaviour changes gradually, because he talks to markus, and this angry (at least as far as Leo is aware), pessimistic old man is caught smiling, because of this machine. he chats with it. and now, hes walking into his father guiding this thing into his fathers very passion. this, as far as Leo is concerned, common object, a household facility like a toaster, is getting lessoned proudly by his father, who loses all the shine in his eyes once he walks in, goes back to his sarcastic, bitter old tone, and will grow aggressive if you even speak ill of the thing. and, later on, Carl talks about his own son as if he's not there in the room, ordering around his toaster to deal with you as if to not get his hands dirty. dirty with You being in his way. his own blood.

now, again, does this excuse his behavior? nope. even in the belief that Markus is truly an unfeeling object, at the very last moment before Markus is forced to decide between obeying or not, he starts referring towards Markus as something that could be physically hurt, and emotionally provoked. where previously his mockery of Markus felt more about provoking his father, not addressing Markus directly, the time he decides to pick a fight with Markus he's talking TO him. hes speaking as if this theoretically unfeeling being could either fear or be angry at him (which turns out, he can), but its difficult to tell if hes under some sort of influence or not, or if this egging on is still in part more to dash back his frustrations at Carl in a less direct manner. his love for the old man stops him from wanting to lay a hand on him, but he knows with how clear the guy makes it he cares for this android, how he yells, itll still inflict Something to tear this thing apart.

now, i may be wrong here, and im real sorry if i sound like a douche for it, but i dont personally consider too much the actors headcanons as full canon, and Gavins background according to the game is really uh... unclear? i can understand how people get to the conclusion his workplace ambition is what makes him hate androids, hell do Anything to get to the top, but a lot of what people attribute as being the motivation behind it i find kinda... idk, circumstancial? im not saying improbable, but my post was more about how people latched on to him when theres way less explanation and even content to him than Leo does? my last guess is that people plain and simple found him sexier than Leo

from My perspective, the closest we get to a Leo redemption is if Carl dies, and he comes across Markus mourning his father as well. the first time i saw this i thought there would be a fight, that he would scream and yell that it was all Markus' fault, even when he knows it wasnt, how dare this fucking thing even show itself in a cemetary. but he just... looks on. in shock. what he deemed something slightly above a glorified toaster is there, when he shouldnt even be. the fruits of his fathers time invested in this android. in his bonding. this thing that shouldve been dismantled in a junkyard somewhere, completely useless, now overwhelming the news talking about civil rights. and this is where he gets it. this thing understands the concept of grief, its clearly feeling it. Markus looks sad. a cold and calculating machine would understand theres no point in visiting a stone with some decaying corpse underneath it, death is final. wouldnt bother making the time to visit this unremarkable place while its on the brink of raging a war. but it did. the same as he was about to do. fucked up

on an alternate where Carl survives, most of what Leo says goes more towards the favor of his father than mentioning the android. we dont know if he knows anything of what happened with Markus at all, so its hard to draw a conclusion, but the game certainly feeds some hope that after this horrible event they can mend back. he promises to do what he can to get rid of what, as far as he knows, is what truly keeps Carl from loving him. no more ugly addiction. who knows, maybe theres a chance for growth. maybe if he really wants to, Leo could give in to seeing Markus as something equal, if thats what would make his dad not hate him.

and, with Gavin... he either leaves on a corny joke, beats up Connor, or gets beaten up. which i certainly see the appeal of, but definitely doesnt scream "no longer sci-fi racist"/"only mildly, acceptably sci-fi racist" to me, but to each their own

[wraenata]

i was tagged by fellow raven enthusiast @redstringraven, thank you! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Oops I trauma dumped in some of these what a surprise

share your wallpaper:

My phone lock screen is a alternating picture of my cat Sally, or her sister Jenny who passed two years ago. In both photos they look like super models <3

My computer wallpaper is a alternating slideshow of like over 100 landscape and animal photos. Idk I got them from the microsoft store free at one point. They change every 30 minutes. I like the variety.

last song you listened to:

For some reason when I got home today I decided to watch the amazing Reverse animatic and then since I am finally using a new browser Firefox it started auto playing and went to the Roaring 20s animatic, and my brain decided to listen to that on repeat the entire night. I do not know why.

currently reading:

SO MANY FANFIC and I'm behind on all of them

On my immediate list to catch up right now are

We'll Meet Again Soon by chiangyorange

all the ashes in my wake by paperxcrowns

Change of Perspective by characcoon

last movie you watched:

Honestly have no idea. Probably the Rise movie. In two weeks it will be Spider-Verse and I will not be normal about it.

craving:

Energy to be alive

what are you wearing right now:

Yeah I get home from work at 3:30, finish dinner before 4:30, shower and in my jammies by 5 pm. This is how I live my life haha. It is a bit cool today so I opted for my big pink sweatshirt from a campground.

how tall are you:

5 foot 4 inches just barely, which is 162.56 cm according to an online converter. I'm short.

piercings:

So my ears were actually pierced when I was like 3 or something by my parents' friend. No I don't think she asked permission haha. Anyway I had to have an x-ray done not a year later so the earings came out and never went back in. My parents religion we converted into though actually did not allow piercings, so I never got them repierced. No jewelry was allowed. Some of the more strict southern churches didn't allow even wedding bands.

tattoos:

None. Tattoos were literally the reason my mom made us leave the normal church and go to the cult one. Tattoos were not allowed. Maybe I'll get one some day but it's not something I really think I need. But nothing is stopping me anymore if I wanted to.

glasses? contacts?:

4 eyes that's me :) Got glasses in 6th grade yay. I'm not super blind but unless I'm pretty close I'm losing out on a lot of details. Had to buy special prescription safety glasses for my lab job. When I'm at home I don't wear them. Details not important.

last drink:

I literally only drink water. And I drink a lot of it. Gave up soda when I was like 8 because I was afraid of wasps getting in the can. I don't drink alcohol or juice. Maybe a hot cocoa or tea but that is very rare.

last thing i ate:

Sugar snap peas! I love them <3

last show:

Lets be honest it was rise.

favorite color:

I like a forest green. But also I love pastels. I do not like red. You can thank my mom for that.

current obsession:

Rise of the TMNT. Also Spider-Verse.

unrelated obsession:

Nature related strategy board games. My favorites are Wingspan and Everdell but I have so.many.board.games. I got into the hobby because it was the only thing I could tolerate spending time with my mom with but now I don't want to do that anymore, so the games have gone unplayed since Christmas.

any pets:

My 19 year old tortie Sally! She is deaf and a box of rocks and so expensive with her health problems but I love her to bits. She's my baby and has been with me through everything.

do you have a crush on anyone:

I mean I had crushes in school but, oh shocker I was never allowed by my parents to date. And even then it had to be a fellow pentecostal and I sure as hell wasn't going to do that. I was too bogged down with family issues to ever consider it even after I left. I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone? Idk I have always had a huge identity crisis of who I am and what I want. But I also don't want to be alone forever. It's complicated.

favorite fictional characters:

Ninja turtles, Rise Casey Jones, Nightcrawler (Kurt Wagner), Peter Parker, Miles Morales, Spider Gwen, Snoopy, Cinderpelt.

the last place you traveled to:

Ugh, the bachelorette party of my nightmares this past weekend. It was in a tourist town a few hours away. Unless work counts cause I went to work this morning.

tagging I'm not going to tag anyone because this is a lot, but if you would like to do it I encourage you to!

[the-crow-binary]

Question abt Benedict: we know that Trevor had met Hector centuries ago. My knowledge of CoD is quite rusty but i do wonder how that could affect him. Even if knowledge of Hector is lost due to time or bc it wasn't recorded, i still wonder what would happen if Benedict or Juste found some old lost personal journal of Trevor talking him and having them see an example of a good intentioned devil forgemaster.

omg an ask about my boy always love to see it

Ohoho you think Hector's story would be very inspiring for them and give Benedict hope but HAH ! NOPE. (i mean, not completely)

So, let's imagine Trevor wrote everything he knew and learned about Hector (and let's imagine it includes some things about Rosaly, because i like the idea of Hector talking about her to Trevor while he's recovering. Maybe even... make parallels with how she healed him). And let's establish both Juste and Benedict founds it at one point (Benedict when he was around 13, and Juste... well, idk, but after he met with him again. The same day. Btw they definitely fought). Now to their INTERPRETATIONS of the story, because they would be rather different. :3

Benedict would at first be very excited and happy, because omg !! My ANCESTOR was FRIEND with a DEVIL FORGEMASTER ?? AND HE DIDN'T HATE HIM ?? He would even share his discovery to the family, who would, of course, reject him nonetheless. Even claim that he's lying about their respectful ancestor, or that he interpreted things wrong. So he's already crushed enough, but then he goes back to reading the story... and is absoluted devastated by what he reads. Hector had RENOUNCE his powers, that he HIMSELF deemed as being "cursed". Making his friendship with Trevor more of a "we became friends because you decided to change" story than a "we became friends even though you're a devil forgemaster because i saw you can do good" story. BASICALLY, THE STORY IS GIVING REASON TO HIS FAMILY, BOTH FROM TREVOR'S PERSPECTIVE, AND THE DEVIL FORGEMASTER'S HIMSELF. WHY DON'T THEY COME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO PUNCH HIM IN THE GUTS THEMSELVES ?? WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL.

So Benedict throws the journal to the side, never to open it again. When he fled the family's home, they probably sealed his room without daring looking inside of it. But Juste would, eventually, maybe because what happened with Maxim woke up something in him that he didn't want to think about for years. And that's when he would find the journal.

And HIS interpretation of the thing is more bittersweet, it gives him hope, but also regrets. It makes him understand that even if his brother has a cursed power, he can be and do good. That even if he were to have turned badly, he could still be redeemed (Hector literally served Dracula and has probably killed many innocents in the process, yet look at him now). He sees a lot of Benedict in Hector, the man who was excluded and mistreated for his powers, but still hanged onto his humanity. And he wished he could've done more to help him.

[lilyflxwers]

10 books to get to know me

thank you lovelies @messrsage and @fruity-individual for the tag <3

as good as dead - holly jackson

this book will always be in my top ten because it made me love reading again. it’s a third book in a series and the other two were good but I loved this one so much bc I really enjoy true crime and normally plot twists in books like these aren’t hard to guess but this one surprised me lmao.

the hunger games - susanna collins

Ik this is a basic answer but these books changed my little 13 year old life lmao. I was convinced that I could easily be katniss (expect like yk i lack basic life skills and the idea of being hunted for amusement gives me so much anxiety, I would simply pass away from heart failure).

gone - michael grant

yeah so this series fucked me up at 14 and I’ve never reread it but I could pretty much tell you word for word what it said lmao. The whole, being stuck in an area where no one over the age of 15 survived really worried me phahah. Again I did, in fact, decide I would have survived fine.

Red queen - Victoria avery

This one gets an honourable mention bc it’s the reason I got all my ear piercings done. As you can tell, I can’t normally read a book and I have to pretend I’m a character bc yk that’s healthy (and also a lot of untreated trauma) iconic Ik. Anyways yeah I don’t remember tonnes about this series and I never read the last book bc I read the series and fixated on it before that one was written and then I forgot it ever existed.

Song of Achilles - Madeline miller

Yeah. This book tore my heart out and then stomped all over it and then stabbed it a few thousand times. I read this book in a very bad time in my life and it helped me find the beauty of simplicity. And then yk they all died so that fucked with me a little.

the CIA and the culture of failure - John diamond

Honourable mention bc it gave me a fucking good argument in my thesis.

blood ties - Sophie mckenzie

Would not recommend this if ur over the age of like 12 BUT at 12 this book was my whole entire existence. I wanted to be a clone so bad. I read and read and read this book until the spine was ripped. Which, if you know anything about me, is the worst thing that could happen to a book. And then I made my sister read it so we could pretend to be clones. bc yk that’s a totally normal thing to do.

my sisters keeper - Jodi picoult

this book. this fucking book. if you haven’t read it please do. i did my alevel English lit coursework on this and it made me CRY. I don’t wanna ruin it so i won’t say too much. but the ending broke my soul.

we need to talk about Kevin - lionel shriver

Speaking of my English alevel, I also spent a year studying this fucker so I feel like it should have an honourable mention. fuck me this was a tough read emotionally bc it’s written from the perspective of a school shooters mother, but also physically bc it’s an epistolary novel (which like if you like epistolary then soz)

the sisterhood of the travelling pants - ash brashares

this series was like the first “proper” series I read on my own when I was like nine and I became obsessed with it. Like to an unhealthy extent. to this day I refuse to watch the film bc I’m so worried it’ll ruin my little nine year old experience of reading it lmao.

I tag anyone who sees this bc I’ve taken forever to do this and idk who has and hasn’t been tagged lmao :)

[bisluthq]

https://www.tumblr.com/bisluthq/757818239425396736/i-think-the-newold-lyrics-from-my-boy-makes-it?source=share

That's actually an interesting perspective I hadn't thought off Nat. I'm just not sure it fits in this case, because if she were to play pretend and be unhappy about it like you said, it wouldn't make much sense to say that she felt more in those moments. Also in the og lyrics, she says "in those brief moments".

Tbh I don't really know what exactly she means about playing pretend with Matty. Like pretend they were married or about to marry? They only even lived kind off together for less than a month. But since he was following her around, it was also more convenient.

I guess the “brief” part makes it sound more like Matty but my whole point is one wants to play again from before you realized you’re playing. When I *know* I’m playing pretend then it’s not that fun anymore and I know I’m unhappy and something is about to change/is changing but there’s a period of time before I realize that. In that moment in his kitchen, where I realized the whole evening was something of a pantomime, I’d have loved to go back to an hour before that where I hadn’t known that. Because if I’d known I’m unhappy, if I’d known I didn’t want to be there, I wouldn’t have gone. I’d have made up an excuse or I’d have made plans with someone else and pretended those predated these ones or I’d have attended as a guest and not run around up and down all night or stayed up washing the dishes. I’d have plopped down and drunk wine and maybe, if I was being generous and kind, offered to take a run down to the shop when the booze ran out/was running low or maybe I’d have suggested going out out at that point or whatever. But I didn’t because, up until it all felt unreal and a touch silly, I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing and being a great girlfriend and shit. Up until the ball finally dropped, I had wanted to be there. I had wanted to make sure everyone had a nice time. I had wanted to make sure everything was tidy and neat. And I did feel a lot in those moments - again, there were a lot of firsts he and I had and I think that specific night was the first time I’d ever gotten to be the girlfriend™️ co-host. Because up until then, shit either happened at my place and frankly I was and remain more nihilistic on completely my own turf like here’s some alcohol and here’s an ashtray and I’m very possibly gonna fuck off and play on my phone at some stage idk how this is gonna go OR it was at his mum’s and that was like me “helping” not really having responsibilities idk because it was HER HOUSE right so idk the height of my responsibility there was not leaving a mess after myself and his friends coming over there were her guests fundamentally and not mine) and unreal as it ultimately felt, I suppose I did enjoy it? If I hadn’t at all, I’d have left? I wasn’t married to the guy, I didn’t live there, my own place was within reach like it obviously wouldn’t have been a good idea to drive home because I wasn’t wasted but I also had been drinking but I could’ve done a myriad things had I known I was miserable. I didn’t really know that though like until it came to washing up. So I guess I had, at that point, felt more when I played pretend?

I’ll give another relationship example of this same feeling. In early 2020, pre COVID, my ex and I went to her family party. Can’t remember what the occasion was - someone’s birthday I suppose, or maybe like a UK based relative was visiting idk that isn’t important to the story time we’re doing now. Her and I had broken up end 2019 but then like decided to “work on it” and I dated that other girl but like we had a co-signed lease and we had the cats and we’d been together a long time and shit like I figured maybe we could figure it out because we’d been together a really long time and when I was seeing that other girl one of the things that struck me was she was very sensible and practical and very sweet and very functional but I couldn’t really see us being best friends whereas my ex and I 100% were and as I’ve said have remained on good terms. Anyway, here we were at this family party and all around me were these people I’d known for years by this stage and who were pretty much my family too. We had an extended family group chat even that I was on (and the guy who managed the GC didn’t add people to it easily like you had to really be around for a long while before you got added to it) and we were talking about things that had happened (we didn’t tell people about the problems we were having) and everyone was making plans for the year ahead (lol @ those not because of our problems but because of how 2020 went down ultimately) and it also hit me there like idk I’m playing pretend. I like these people, I know these people very well, they’re all very nice humans, but I probably shouldn’t be here. This isn’t where I necessarily belong in this moment or in my life in general. No offense to these people but like I’m maybe not meant to be here. I do think I felt a LOT though and I did love her and I care about all those people so I guess I felt a lot when I played pretend there too?

maybe this is a weird me thing that other people don’t feel or don’t experience but idk man it’s such a specific and recurrent feeling for me that I don’t know what it means for Taylor but it is probably always gonna mean this for me.

I also, at the risk of sounding lovey dovey, kinda expected to feel this way with my bf’s latest surgery because this month has been such fucking hell for the both of us and I kept expecting to have that moment of “I really don’t know if I want to be here or I’m here out of a sense of moral duty/obligation/responsibility because I’m obviously not gonna ditch the dude who was calling an ambulance for me two weeks ago” but I never felt that - I did actually want to be there and I did actually want him to come home and I wanted to go home with him so I guess for now I’m not playing pretend in this scenario but I’m also not sure I feel MORE or if I just feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be currently and don’t want to change all that much about my life (except the whole job sitch like obviously I can’t just work 3 hours a day that’s just not financially feasible but other than that it’s all good).

[mouseratz]

of course I'm reading the SH2 novel with an English fan translation.

it decides to frame Laura & Eddie's entrance to the town and confirms they entered together (though, I am considering this novel canon/still only a distinct interpretation as opposed to word of God confirmation, unless like, the developers were like oh yeah the book just says exactly everything we thought and meant), which is interesting. I'd heard others say that's what happened but I am wondering how they know each other, as in the game it's implied Eddie and Laura just met (there's a line from James like, how did you know her name? And Eddie's like, well, she told me it) as well.

also just because Laura's an orphan doesn't mean she can just. fuck off and leave wherever she wants. HOW did she get here for real who drove her here did she take a bus....whoever was watching her Fucked Up.....(although I think if the game took time to answer these questions it would be boring. but like. I still have them.)

I do like how this particular version emphasizes James' utter disgust with the monsters, and how instinctually he would like to run, but in actuality reacts with violence (and anger! he viciously hates them because they're disgusting!). which. idk if they'll go there. but almost parallels his relationship with Mary's illness- how he still loved her as a person & wanted to treat her well, but some part of him did find her disgusting as she feared, and it may have increased his resentment of her and led to him violently ending her life (the book also notes how the monsters deserve to die, despite James having little to base that assessment on other than his emotions. he's right, in this case, but if you carry that perspective over to anything else....)

and also once again yes this is an incredibly fucked up way to view someone who's sick but I do feel that's kind of the crucial point of James' character- he knows it's wrong, but instead of being able to properly grapple with that idea, why he's so disgusted and angry, the guilt makes him afraid to do anything but deny it until it comes to a head. the guilt is what makes him come to silent hill, but honestly in some way, I think could also be why he repressed these feelings until he did something terrible, didn't have the courage to acknowledge them, to properly handle them, to accept them as part of a complicated grieving process, instead shoving them away because they're ugly, too, until he couldn't handle it anymore, reaching that terrible solution.

....I also think that's why SH2 resonates so deeply with me- guilt is something I feel a lot. about everything. because my brains just built funny and I've been through an awful lot of bad things on a relatively short period of time on this earth. the game can absolutely be read as a cautionary tale around what happens when guilt guides all of your actions and how you interact with your own thoughts and feelings and your perception of the world. guilt breeds repression and this entire hell is one of repressed feelings and desires and memories.....you felt you had to protect yourself from these feelings because they were ugly, because they were frightening, and now you must harvest what you've sowed.....either face them or let them consume you.

and I absolutely love the concept that, really, the answer to this guilt is not punishment. guilt wants you to be punished, but that punishment achieves very little. your suffering will not change what you've done (but refusing to own up to it, continuing to deny, is still dangerous, as shown in Eddie's story.) you still have to choose what to do with yourself. can you live with it?

it doesn't tell you either way is right. maybe James dying is more peaceful, maybe it is the best choice for him. maybe James can live with it, though, too- he'll still have to carry it, but there could be something outside of this, maybe he will be a good friend or caretaker to Laura. We don't know. it doesn't really matter what he deserves....it only really matters what he does, because no amount of punishment will change what he did, even if you decide he is indeed 100% irredeemable and evil (which I just don't think is what you should walk away with, though- it's undeniable he did something deeply wrong, but the character is fairly nuanced imo).

[lickingyellowpaint]

Also, weird I end up reading two lawyer-centric stories in a weekend, but those were the recent Free Little Library finds: the Grisham, and something I've debated reading a long time and was never sure I wanted to: Go Set A Watchman.

I'm keeping it fully in mind that I should approach it as: maybe a sequel, maybe partial draft bits of Mockingbird, maybe the author was pissed it was published, maybe she wasn't, maybe any or all of the above.

At the end of Part I, decided to go back and rewatch Mockingbird before going onward. That was a nice related diversion. But I'll get back to this book later today.

Having spoilers and knowing what to expect makes for a good detached mindset from the start, but I wonder if certain character changes will sting with feeling wrong, or manage to make sense within a broader perspective/Scout's perspective of real world/etc. Like, if Atticus' changes are crappy for no reason, I'll be mad, but if things like taking Tom's case is chalked up to pure professionalism and upholding the law under all conditions but not necessarily in line with Atticus' personal beliefs that Scout wouldn't necessarily have a full picture of as a child, okay? That'd make sense and I could almost see it? I mean, NOT AT ALL OKAY ACTUALLY, but fairly realistic.

Or at least if it all fits into some big authorial theme/message, ya know? Just make it make sense, Ms. Lee and/or dubiously moral publishing team, that's all I'm asking. If the big theme is 'don't idolize your parents off childhood memories', I think that's a theme enough to justify a big character shakeup, if that's the concept you're really trying for.

Only way I'll find out how it's all done and handled is to keep reading!

The descriptions are gorgeous. The opening with the train made me immediately love and relate to Scout again, and that's a cute feeling to have about a character that we all got to know way back in middle school.

Idk, man! Hope to blow through this in a couple days, and will reblog with more thoughts then. Maybe I'm too optimistic yet because Part I was so chill...

[purrincess-chat]

So, I've had some time to sit with Gang of Secrets, and I know everyone in the fandom probably has their feelings about Alya finding out first, especially two episodes after she just told Luka she can't tell him, but let me tell you why Alya is the most obvious and best choice.

First of all, it's a commonly used trope in shows with secret identities that the hero's best friend finds out their identity first. Lots of other shows, comics, and books have done it, if fact early concepts for ML had Alya knowing from the beginning, so it's not really surprising that Marinette confided in her first. Alya was the first hero that Marinette picked, she is her best friend, she is arguably the person Marinette trusts most (save Chat Noir who we will talk about later). Marinette telling Alya makes sense whether you like it or not because of the role that Alya plays in the grand scheme of the story.

All stories utilize tropes. They're not a bad thing. Some of them are overdone, sure, but it's more about how you use them that matters. Most stories follow a certain formula so viewers/readers know what to expect, and yes, even stories with big twists follow the same structure. Telling the best friend from a storytelling perspective makes sense. Telling the alternate love interest who isn't crucial to the story doesn't.

Take off your shipping goggles for a second and look at things from a storytelling perspective. Remove everyone's names and forget how you feel about them, and just look at the character roles. You have a protagonist, a main love interest, a best friend, and a temporary side love interest. Who does the protagonist trust most in this circle in a normal story? Who learns the secret first? Writing is a balancing act. You have to choose which characters to develop wisely, and I'm not going to argue that ML is a golden standard of storytelling and writing. It's not. But telling a secondary love interest in this case would add a more important role to a character who really wasn't designed for that. That doesn't mean they can't still develop that character in other ways, but for a plot point of this caliber, the best friend takes priority over the love interests. Both of them. Because while the love interest can be a friend, a confidant, a shoulder to lean on, their primary function to the protagonist is romance. Meanwhile, a best friend can be all of those things and more. The best friend can be whatever the protagonist needs in the moment.

Now, let's look more closely at this specific situation. Marinette was spiralling. She couldn't keep up with both of her lives, and the stress was literally eating her alive. She just decided that she can't be in love with either of the boys she likes because she would always be keeping a secret from them. She was heartbroken, stressed, and exhausted. Yes, Chat Noir attempted to be there for her and support her as best he could, but the problem here is the role Chat Noir is playing. He is for lack of better terms, the superhero sidekick, but also still the love interest. (Even if LB doesn't know it) And in this case too, she knows Chat Noir is in love with her, and for a girl who has recently decided that love is off the table, you can see why she didn't want to confide in him. Would he have understood her stress if she told him? Sure. But revealing their identities to each other now would have been detrimental to Marinette, and here is why:

Marinette gave up on love for the time being. We, the audience, know that Chat Noir is Adrien, the boy she loves. For her to say, I can't be in love right now, only to turn around and find out that the person she was confiding in and leaning on for support was, in fact, her love interest, it would have made her spiral even worse. No where would have been safe for her. And you can argue what a good bean Adrien is, and whatever, that's not the point here.

Marinette takes her job as Ladybug very seriously. The reason she is so stressed is because now with the added responsibility of being the guardian, she risks losing not only her Miraculous, but also the entire Miracle Box. That's a lot of power in the wrong hands, and she knows that quite well. This caused her to lean on the side of hypervigilance. She was always transformed and looking for trouble because she was paranoid that she was going to miss something and fail again. With so much changing on the superhero side of her life, she needed an anchor back to her civilian life. So that's where Alya comes in.

Alya provides her with a sense of normalcy, a reminder that she has a life outside of the mask. She grounds her to her civilian life and provides her with support she needs to juggle her superhero life. (And yes, she still does this even if you hate her) On the opposite end of that spectrum, Chat Noir grounds her to her superhero life, and so much had changed for her on the superhero side of things with the introduction of her guardian duties that revealing her identity to Chat would have just been one more change to that part of her life with nothing to fall back on. By keeping their identities in place and giving her an anchor in her regular life, Marinette can find better balance between the two. Her secrets with Chat Noir are a constant, or a "normal" that she can use to ground herself. She is used to them, she expects them, it's part of her schema for her superhero life. She shows up, her goofy partner cracks some jokes, they beat up the bad guy, they go home. Chat Noir is playing his role perfectly in this sense. He offered to be there for her, but he wasn't who she needed at the time. The scale had tipped too far in her super life, so she needed something to tip it back toward her civilian life. So, we got Alya. Which makes logical sense given her role in the story. It's the role she was born to play. Whether you like it or not.

I know all the shippers are thirsty for content, trust me, I am adrinette trash, and I want the children to kiss each other on the face just as much as the next shipper. But I fundamentally understand why that can't happen right now in canon. And that's why fanfiction exists. I can make them kiss whenever I want. I can make them reveal whenever I want. I can write as many reveals as I want. Canon can only do it once, and idk about you guys, but I'd like their eventual reveal to be for a better reason than "I'm spiralling out of control please help." I'd also prefer for it not to be in a random ass episode in the middle of the season. I want it to have its moment. I want it to slap me and take my wallet, so I can tell it thank you. I want the reveal to be that bitch. Doing it here would have been cheap, and it would have cheapened the rest of the season for me. Now, if they wanna do it in the s4 finale when shit is getting lit? Sign me up. But right now, it wasn't the right call. And that's fine.

[iwatoobies]

im the rh fight anon!! your mh fight mention really puts things in perspective thank u for saying that!!!!! it makes the rh fight even more dramatic omg.......ur right because haru DID say things he didnt mean in that case too.......there just wasnt any weird possession thing going on lol. but tbh i do see what they were trying to do with alberts eyes, this time haru goes through a major change in the way he approaches swimming, from "i want to swim bc its my passion and bc of my friends" to "i will give up everything including my closest affections to reach the top"......so personally i think its conveyed well......but i love seeing other ppl's perspective!!!! its fun talking with u!!!! 😊

this got pretty long, turns out i had a lot to say about this topic !! 🙃

i don't even mind the "possession" as much as the out-of-body stuff bc yeah i do agree!! the eyes changing color is a good visual shorthand to convey that what ryuuji has been saying and all the other pressure is getting to haru, and him giving in to that isolation mindset. it might a little silly in the way it's done at the end with alberts ghost there, but very effective in showing what he's going through!

but the... out-of-body projection... those visions while they're swimming have kinda the same vibe so it's not actually that out there for free! but idk. it just feels so ridiculous in a scene that's supposed to be as emotional and serious as this. and it's kind of cheap tbh? like they were scared to end the movie with haru being morally grey or whatever, so we needed to know while it was happening that he didn't really mean it. 

he said hurtful things to push rin away and made a big decision because he felt betrayed by rin and ikuya. why did we have to see him simultaneously regret that, since he did still go through with cutting everyone off? obviously he's not actually possessed, just vulnerable and hurt, so what was the point in showing his "real" feelings in such a goofy way!!!!!! especially since they are ignored right away. his reaction to rin is very realistic imo, and his decision makes sense on it’s own without the fantastical visual elements added to the process of getting there, muddying up the impact of the scene.

for me, when the drama in free! is good and i do enjoy it, it’s when it’s viceral, relatable, messy emotions. the mh fight is such a good example of this, because it’s so simple yet gut-wrenching. in this case, i didn’t need them to jump trough all these hoops to justify what haru said, he was hurt and felt like hurting rin, so he did. he's done the same before with makoto and to a lesser extent with rin too, so it's not that hard to believe. like, i get it actually thanks lol

and! it does feel intentional that haru and makoto talk about their fight right before this one, because they are meant to mirror each other. they could have even played it up a lot more, because it is such a similar situation? someone haru is relying on to be with him decides to abandon him (in his mind anyway), again?????? they did not need any of that ridiculous extra stuff because that is dramatic that is impactful that is gut-wrenching and heartbreaking all on it’s own. the two most important people in his life have both put him in a similar emotional bind now, during already stressful times. no wonder he snapped so hard. 

so play up that emotion!! let him be a bitch about it!! he can have purple eyes, it can relate to albert and his other insecurities, that’s all great! but his actions don’t need to be softened with what ever the hell that was