#dead weight dads
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PSA
If you can't be bothered to go without sleep because your child is in agony and having trouble breathing, don't have any children. Part of being a parent is going without sleep, getting vomited on, dealing with fevers and loud crying, etc. If you can't put your child first then you don't deserve to have any.
@helly-watermelonsmellinfellon
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You can never go back! You can never go back! You can bite and scratch and beg but you can never go back!
#my phone says tumblr ate the drawing quality :( I hope not#image quote from jb-blunk on tumblr#post caption by ryebreadgf on tumblr#who up dragging its dead weight forward. I will never let it go. I will never let him go#tf2#team fortress two#team fortress 2#tf2 fanart#tf2 spy#tf2 scout#spy dad#dadspy#tf2 comics#the naked and the dead#tf2 fan art#spydad#tw blood#blood tw#character death
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a father's love
#SNIFFLIGN AND WEEPING. IM SO FUCKNH NORMAL ABT THE KNIGHT OF DAWN. SNIFFLES. I LOVE HIM#guys u dont get it anytime i think abt him i start tearing up its so TRAGIC. being essentially pushed into the role of a knight for his kin#and pushed to kill briar valley's princess when he clearly doesnt want to. for the sake of a POTENTIAL to save the man who took him in. for#the sake of keeping his love happy and saving her father. to have a kid who you care so deeply for that u both give him up to a better futu#putting him to sleep for who knows how long so he can live in peace. even if it means you wont be in the picture. even if ur dead. SNIFFLES#im CRYIGN im MUSHY ABT IT. FUCKJIGN SUE ME#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#silver vanrouge#knight of dawn#ch 7 spoilers#book 7 spoilers#UUAGAAGAHHHHHHHHH#suntails#AND SILVER!!!! so resentful of what his og dad did. so guilt ridden of being his descendant. bearing the pain of a crime he didnt even comm#of leaving malleus with no parents. of killing the PRINCEiSS of his KINGDOM that hes been sworn to protect. the feeling of treason in his <#him trying desperately to push this away while completely paralyzed over the weight of his realization and crumbling to it. AUGGHGHH#sorry im normal (lying) (lyign) (extra lying)
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Trying to explain Adrien’s subplot in miraculous to anyone but it’s literally just this:
#literally it’s so insane#it’s like with Marinette my girl is going through it but like#it’s like “oh yeah she has the crushing weight of superhero responsibilities but she has her best friend and kwami by her side!#which classic magical girl show conflict#then Adrien it’s like “yeah his dad is the villain trying to revive his comatose mother who is on life support in his basement#also she got that way by making him with a magic jewel#which enables anyone to have total control over Adrien as long as they’re wearing a ring#and since his dad is abusive his only real parental figure is his dad’s assistant which is also a supervillain#and had a situationship with both his parents#but it’s ok! because his dad is dead now and he lives in a universe created by him#oh also his girlfriend knows about his dad being a supervillain and him being created by a object but won’t tell him#to protect him but still#also did I mention the entire time he’s the other super hero in this show#anyway sounds great right!!#like… WHAT#adrien agreste#miraculous ladybug#mlb#ml#mine#consider this my ml anniversary post
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Back to the Future Part II (1989)
#back to the future#bttf#marty mcfly#this scene. is so good.#the WEIGHT of it#the way Marty's bafflement flips to such a tangible fear#remember that he has no clue what's happened & thinks Doc is DEAD#until he reads that letter he believes he's just watched Doc die again#he gets through all the nightmarish 85A stuff & finally gets the almanac back#his dad is alive and the timeline is set right#and then it's like. ''here's one more trauma real quick. as a treat.''
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wow bdubs is NOT over the dead weight thing
#bdubs sees TIES officially back together and gets limited life flashbacks to his not-dad not-boyfriend calling him dead weight and a weak#link#nics rambles#bdoubleo100
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I keep thinking about rdr1 John and Javier both getting dad bods because of them having more stable lives. John having his family and his home, Javier having his life in Mexico working for the government and having routine.
I wish they could reunite and share some beer and playfully tease the other on how much they’ve changed, ending their comment about the other with, “no, I like it. You look amazing. You look happier.”
#rdr1#john marston#rdr1 john#rdr1 javier#rdr1 spoilers#spoilers#red dead redemption 1#javier esquella#javier escuella#chubby#weight gain#fat#belly#meeks rambles#dad bod#I NEED MORE FAN ART OF THEM BEING CHUBBY HAPPY GUYS#I feel like Javier’s face rounds out a little with his weight gain#His hair is cut short too so his cute cheeks show better. his smile is breath taking.#John’s weight is more so in his torso#his cheeks fill in a little and his jaw bones aren’t as sharp#he still has a slutty waist but now it is complemented by love handles#Javier too has a muffin top#IF YOU CANT TELL I THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT…#JAVIER’S SMILE… HIS CHEEKS WOULD BE SO KISSABLE.
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love this shot. it's like mike is inviting them into his mind/game ("alright, wheeler, i think we found your hub") + max and dustin are the ones who step into frame. i am staring at the implications
#with the dustin death foreshadowing#possibly the two party members who dived in recklessly despite the risk and proceeded to pay the price#lucas was wary#el came in pre-traumatised from how dangerous it is#will obviously went through All That and became traumatised about it#dustin was like HEY I'LL PLAY and max was like WHY WON'T YOU LET ME PLAY#and then they die#because it's not a game which is what mike is constantly talking about in s2#it's not dnd it's real life he's from the upside down maybe he should be dead it's the brain if we kill it we kill everything it controls#brings it full circle to mike being willing to sacrifice himself for dustin too#he'd choose any of them over himself#these two are the ones reckless enough to show why it's a reasonable choice to make#it could be viewed as a necessity when you're inherently dangerous and you're friends with blind risk takers like max and dustin#who get themselves killed because you failed in all attempts to do the same#if you make the audience love these characters and then kill them#then asking if killing mike is worth it becomes a weighted question#because we love max and dustin. we don't want them to die. neither does mike#nancy didn't want barb to die#joyce didn't want bob to die#max DID want billy to die which is a whole other beast#but his dad sure didn't#everyone matters to someone and mike has decided that everyone else matters more than him#as long as you ignore max and dustin and karen all losing their minds when he's in mortal danger and possibly dead#it's all so complex and yummy i want to EAT it#anyway#cool shot 👍#st posting#manifestation theory
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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i have to admit i think about mark blackthorn in "tales from the shadowhunter academy" at least once a week
#'helen julian livia tiberius drusilla octavian. and emma. you see? i have not forgotten. every night no matter what has happened during the#day no matter if i am torn and bloodied or so bone-tired i wish i were dead-#i look up at the stars and i give each star a brother's name or a sister's face. i will not sleep until i remember every one.#THE STARS WILL BURN OUT BEFORE I FORGET.'#'there is nothing wrong with ty but he is different and the clave hates all that is different.-#they will try to punish him for being who he is. THEY WOULD PUNISH A STAR FOR BURNING.'#'[tavvy] is so little. he won't remember dad or m- or his mother. he's the littlest thing. they let me hold his hand when he was born and-#his head fit into the palm of my hand. i can still feel his weight there even when i cannot grasp his name. i held him and i knew i had to-#support his head: that he was mine to support and protect. forever. oh but forever lasts such a short time in the mortal world.-#he will not remember me either. maybe drusilla will forget as well. i do not think so though.-#drusilla learns everything by heart and she has the sweetest heart of us all. i hope her memories of me stay sweet.'#'jules. my artist. my dreamer. hold him up to the light and he would shine a dozen different colors. all he cares about is his art and-#his emma. he will try to help helen of course but he is still so young. they are so young and so easily lost.'#'“helen julian livia tiberius octavian. and emma” mark whispered his voice low and revered. one simon recognized from the synagogue-#from the voices of mothers calling the children from all the times and places he had heard people call on what they held most sacred.'#“are you here to save me?”#i was unwell when i read that#i think about that quote so much#also also there's more#“i might as well be dead for all the good i am to my brothers and sisters.”#SOMEBODY SEDATE ME#honourable mention to simon's response: “'oh mark blackthorn what are they doing to you?' simon whispered.”#also “all that is good and true is lost.”#aaand#ok i am done now#have a nice day<3333#tales from the shadowhunter academy#tftsa#simon lewis#simon lovelace
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yea
#txt#i gotta bitch rq cos im pissed sorry guys#i hate tht u dont remember none of the shit u did. i hate tht u make jokes about it even. i hate tht it feels like im always the one#to wear the burden of iron wrought weights so tht u can learn how to mellow out and not do the same to my sister#‘you opened up a lot of doors for your sister’#yea cool im glad u chilled out and didnt also kick my sister out of the house while she was 1200 miles away with nothing but the clothes on#her back. yea cool im glad u didnt threaten disowning when she got a piercing. yea im glad she didnt have to sit thru the ordeal of u when#i first came out to u. im glad she didnt have to have our dead dad used as a damn weapon against her when she told you shes a lesbian#im glad you never sat her down and berated her for being queer for three hours and then sent her to her hole only to send her a long winded#email about how awful she is to you for being queer and how no one will be able to recognize or love her#i still have that email btw#im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful#assumptions and insinuations about her#im glad you asked for help for her#but why couldnt you have been a mom to me too#why did i have to teach you all the wrong ways to handle situations so that you could handle them rigjt with her#why did i have to be the one to lockpick all of the doors in order to open them for her#whyd you have to put the locks on there in the first place#why werent you ever a mom to me#why wasnt i allowed to have parents growing up#whyd you have to hurt me since the time before i could make cohesive thought#why werent you a mom for either of us until you realized how heavily you screwed up with me#why did it take you losing me completely for you to start being a mom to my sister?#why did it take you losing me completely for you to finally listen to me instead of talk about why im wrong#im glad to have a mom now#but i couldve used a mom when i was a kid#why do you have to turn it into jokes#and why am i not allowed to be upset
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Can my mom just shut the fuck up for twenty seconds? Literally the first thing she does when she gets to my dad place is insult me
#for context she asked up to go help bring things in for three bags and she was holding hers in her hand and I had mine on my shoulder#And that's easier and she was a fair distance close to the house so I yelled out to her and pointed at the bag I was holding on my shoulder#And said 'you couldve done this' bc it distributes the weight better and won't hurt your hand#And she ignores me and keeps walking#And then i get in and hear her saying to my dad 'Yknow she can be such a-' which obviously cuts off as I enter#And it's like immediately a whole 5 minutes of me genuinely explaining that I meant it as advice and here being like 'oh advice? So you want#I have teenagers for that'#And then being like no because it's easier#'oh so you want me to do it all by myself?'#Like Jesus fucking Christ shut the fuck up I want to be dead
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Should I end my tolerance break tonight or should I continue and see how long this can go on for
#full disclosure it’s only been two days#i’ll be honest kitten; daddy might have a fucking problem#look it’s not even… weed is not addictive. obviously#BUT i am not in the greatest mental state right now. i am not exactly a shining example of perfect mental health#i’m a 28 year old loser who peaked in undergrad and is a self employed freelancer BUT is too lazy to make decent money freelancing#i really need a manager breathing down my neck to get me to do the bare minimum or more consistently#i’m also super not doing well regarding 1) my dad’s deathiversary 2) my ongoing grief over mabel (yes she was a dog but if you say she was#‘just a dog’ i will come to your house and throw up in your walls DON’T DO IT. DON’T TRY IT. I LOVED HER)#and also just. the crushing weight of it all.#if i have edibles i don’t have to think about the fact i thought i’d either be dead or successful by now and instead i’m alive and mediocre#am i really supposed to freeball THIS reality. THIS ONE???#but then it’s like it creates a vicious cycle because is the weed making me unproductive or do i want the weed BECAUSE i’m unproductive#and it helps me forget that i’m a complete and utter loser. 🧐#listen i’ve gotten less done during this tolerance break than i did last week when i pretty much had a weed gummy every night#i’m not saying there’s a correlation but what i AM saying is it’s suspicious#i could continue the break until the weekend. that seems like the best plan#personal
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today my mom was talking to my sister abt how many kids she wants & then she turns to me & goes u dont want any kids right? how many cats do u want :) & i said two or three! & then she asked if my girlfriend likes cats 🥹
#i love my mommy x2000 dot jpeg 🫶🏻💖💋💕💞💗💝#if u told this to me (or her) 5 years ago i would never believe it#shes just!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! accepted that she has a lesbian daughter. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's what i always said if my dad wasn't around she would be cool. AND SHE IS!#god. the exhilirating joy of all of us shedding his dead weight and moving on with our lives#personal
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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ebery time i let myself doze off on the couch then wake up gasping, i tell myself i need to stop doing it.
but, reliably, every night, i get too sleepy and too comfy and can only convince myself to get up after i've dozed a little. i need a little sleep to give me the strength to get up. but then. i wake up. panicked and out of breath. i'm so fucking sick of it.
#it's minutes of sleep i could be getting properly. in bed with my nightguard in. if only i could get myself to bed ON TIME#but my bedtime routine is so long and complicated#it takes 20-30 minutes to get ready and i'm sleepy NOW. desperately sleepy. unable to keep my eyes open another second#i know it's just what happens when the melatonin gummy i took hours before finally kicks in#it's (thankfully) not a sign that my sleep apnea is so poorly managed that i'm not able to properly rest#but without the giant hunk of plastic i shove in my mouth every night#the instant my body goes slack with sleep my throat closes#and i wake up even more exhausted. feeling disgusting and rattled.#all because i greedily stole those few minutes of sleep#i just need to make myself deny the immediate satisfaction of dozing off when i Get So Sleepy#What's The Harm? i say every time. and every time i wake up gasping and full of rot#i can't deny myself the indulgence#i've been reading Dead Weight by Emmeline Clein and there's a poem or a metaphor here#somewhere in my fatness and my indulgence in things that hurt me and the way i must've done this all to myself by being fat#sleep apnea is a fat diseas after all right?? not the result of a genetic defect i inherited from my father#the very person who was the first to tell me i indulged too much#well look at me now paul. i indulge too much on sleep. i indulge too much on breathing. i learned from you but i still can't do it right.#you couldn't do it right either but it's still my fault that what you taught me is wrong. why didn't it magically work when it was me?#i may no longer be getting fatter—and this disease only started rotting within me after my weight stabilized in my early 20s—but i still#keep stuffing myself with indulgences i evidently don't deserve. they wouldn't hurt if i DID deserve them right? but i only continue to#cause myself harm. just like you said i always would didn't you dad? you're right that i'm doing this to myself#so desperate to give in to my body's needs. but those needs are Too Big. they take up Too Much Space.how could indulging them ever be right?#personal#okay i think my body has calmed down from suffocation panic now 🙃#time to go through the grueling 30 minute process of getting ready for bed. maybe i'll even get to sleep on time
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