#danno mentale

[poetrificationfestival]

Scopriamo quali sono i progetti finalisti della IV edizione del Premio Roberto Sanesi di poesia in musica:

DANNO MENTALE nasce dall'incontro tra le poesie di Simone Biondo, poeta e pittore attivo nella provincia di Venezia, e le sonorità di Daniele Ravagnan, bassista, violinista e pianista veneto, che si uniscono in una forma non convenzionale di canzone, in cui la musica instaura un rapporto di simbiosi con il cantato, inframezzata dalle MONO, tracce di improvvisazione musicale e spoken word. Il loro primo album, dal titolo omonimo, è uscito a giugno 2023.

CECILIA GALLUCCI, in arte CIOLLE, è una poetessa e performer di Verbania. Ha 23 anni e da quando ne aveva 16 improvvisa su beat hip hop e fa freestyle. A 18 anni a Berlino scopre il teatro fisico, per poi iscriversi all'università di Torino. Qui gira per tornei di poetry slam, tiene corsi e partecipa alla terza edizione del Premio Roberto Sanesi, classificandosi al terzo posto. Il progetto che propone quest'anno, dal titolo "Vuoto Ripieno Cash", unisce poesia e musica trap.

CREATURA è il nuovo progetto di Burla 22, illustratore e produttore riminese, e Alfre D', poeta e performer milanese attivo in Emilia Romagna, già autore del progetto "Colpo di Stato poetico". L'album che presentano, dal titolo omonimo, perlustra l'emotività e le contraddizioni dell'essere umano, nelle sue speranze e nelle sue conflittualità, di fronte a una società spietatamente capitalista, attraverso ritmiche glitch e noise. ILPALESECHEAMO nasce alla fine del 2022, dalla collaborazione tra Adriano Cataldo (Emmendingen, 1985), voce e autore dei testi, Big House (Trento, 1993), DJ e produttore, e Imnoises (Rovereto, 1991) ai sintetizzatori e rappresenta il compimento di alcuni progetti precedenti, tra cui l'EP "Subalterna" (2021). I brani proposti per il Premio Sanesi fanno parte del disco "Una storia italiana", che racconta la degenerazione politico-sociale degli ultimi 30 anni in Italia, attraverso una commistione di generi che vanno dalla spoken word all'elettronica e alla musica house.

[hauntingzexploding]

hi rumble pack nation ( ignore this art is messy )

[ask-these-undead-clones]

Hello people, welcome to yet another ask blog!!

This one is for my Undead AU for Shorts Wars 😋😋 (specifically Preston and DD, but some other ppl might be included, idk-)

Ground rules:

1. Be nice. This means respect me and everyone else who interacts with this blog. This is a safe space. Bigotry will not be tolerated here, and neither will bullying.

2. No nsfw asks or anything like that please. I'm an asexual minor and it makes me uncomfortable. Keep this place relatively child friendly. Swearing and violence are okay (slurs are not, see rule 1) but try to keep it pg13

3. Roleplay asks are very much allowed :)

4. Please excuse any stupidity on my part, I'm neurodivergent and have issues understanding certain stuff sometimes

5. Don't rush me or anything please. I'm not always available, and sometimes I'm just unmotivated. Also I guarantee this blog will eventually be abandoned just like my other ones, but these are just fun to make and I enjoy hosting them ^^

Definite trigger warnings for this blog:

Grief, death, blood, gore, mental health nonsense/trauma, ghosts and zombies (duh), swearing (mostly censored)

That's all!

- Rayn, the blog owner

[kwnebd]

fixed the wanted help thingy bc I don't want the darma to happened again (I had muitple mental breakdowns)

[medicomunicare]

Ecstasy (MDMA): meccanismi, d'azione, effetti sulla salute, effetti psicologici e risvolti terapeutici

Origine e sviluppo dell’MDMA L’Ecstasy, noto anche con il nome chimico MDMA (3,4-metilendiossimetanfetamina), è una droga sintetica che combina proprietà stimolanti e allucinogene, ampiamente utilizzata a scopo ricreativo per i suoi effetti euforici e di aumentata empatia. Scoperta per la prima volta nei primi anni del 1900, la MDMA ha guadagnato popolarità negli anni ’70 come strumento di…

[divulgatoriseriali]

L’Educatore al SERD: un ruolo cruciale nella gestione delle dipendenze

L’Educatore al SERD riveste un ruolo cruciale nel contesto della gestione delle dipendenze, fornendo un supporto prezioso e guidando gli individui lungo il percorso di guarigione. Attraverso competenze specializzate e una presenza empatica, contribuisce in modo significativo alla creazione di percorsi terapeutici personalizzati, rappresentando una figura chiave nell’affrontare le sfide connesse…

[fairy-lights-and-blobs]

They're coming by to visit one of the very few people that ever gave a shit about them.

Matches Malone was their favorite Adult, because he always spoke to them like they mattered. He gave good advice, and got them out of a tight spot once or twice.

Also, he was the one who taught Kitty how to play pool, and she always drags Johnny with her to play a round or two, in remembrance of one of the very few decent guys in all of Gotham's criminal underworld.

Now that Phantom has stopped being a little stick-in-the-mud about his "duties to Amity Park", they're going to do this right and revisit their old stomping grounds, see if Old Man Matches is still around. The fact that Phantom was in Gotham was an added bonus.

They could show HIM all the best spots in Gotham. Really live (live...HAH!) up to the memory of the guy that they'd come to see as an Uncle, of sorts.

The fact that Johny immediately hauls Danny into his bike, and Kitty drags him to sit between her and Johnny just makes Tim seethe worse, because, from an Outsider POV, they look like they're either all dating each other, or had dated at one point and broke up amicably when Danny moved to Gotham.

The poor secretary that had to bear witness to the new guy being driven off by possible-exes and her boss seethe in rampant jealousy has so much GOSSIP to share...

DCxDP fanfic idea: Corporate Rivals

Bruce is really excited to hire a boy genius from a small time town. He found him by accident while scrolling through some creative writing competition past winners on various school sites. He originally wanted ideas for his own contest for the annual Wayne Young Writers Scholarship when he stumbled up Amity Parks Youth Authors.

Daniel Fenton's science fiction had won second place, and Bruce thinks he only lost due to the judges not realizing all the science of the gadgets his charaters used were real. Real, well explain and proper research. Daniel obviously knew his stuff and knew it well.

He had reached out to Daniel with a science scholarship opportunity, wanting to see what he would come up with. He gave him a basic assignment asking him to fulfill a prompt "Software or Hardware development for disabled" in either theory or model. If he created something worthwhile, Bruce would send him ten grand.

Daniel did not disappoint, not only doing the theory paper but also sending back a prototype of a pocket ASL translator. It would be an app on a phone that would have an AI watching through a camera of the person doing sign language and say out loud what the person was saying. It had a few bugs here and there, but for a high schooler, those were very impressive accomplishments.

Bruce found himself sponsoring the boy for early high school graduation. The young Fenton boy was a genius just like his parents, but he lacked proper motivation. Bruce suspected it was due to his school not challenging him enough much like Tim.

When Daniel got his diploma Bruce offered a few rid to Gotham University with the condition he would be a employee at WE. Daniel agreed under the condition it was as a proper employee and not a unpaid intern. A little daring for a kid getting already a amazing deal but Bruce liked his moxy and agreed.

Daniel Fenton was to be a worker in the RD department for WE tech in one week.

He couldn't wait to introduce him to Tim. Two young geniuses would get along swimmingly with their shared brain prowess!

______________________________________

Tim hated the new guy.

They were the same age, but everyone acted like he was amazing for finishing high school and starting university while also being a top WE reseacher and Devloper at such a young age.

Oh Tim was CEO, but as many people have whispered, he didn't graduated Highschool or have a GED so the only reason he got to be CEO was because of nepotism. Danny on the other hand got his position through hard work.

Which was ironic, seeing as the company has never done so well since Tim came on board. Their sales, PR, and production numbers all tripled because of him. Danny, on the other hand, was a sloth with little to no ambition. He didn't even work well with others! He mostly did solo projects and everyone seemed fine with that since genius "need their own space"

Tim has been networking since he was three years old, and failure to do so had always reflected badly on him and his company. He spent his entire life careful choosing his words and his actions. Even his appearance, what he wore, his hairstyle even the hand gesture when he talked, were planned before hand.

Then comes Fenton, who avoids crowds, dressed in the worst formal wear Tim has ever seen . Black jeans were not formal!- and acted like this important office was just a after school hang out spot. Now Tim was much more laid back than his board co-workers, who were all in their fifties or older, and even more relax then the mangers or superiors of lower stations but even he could not understand Fenton blaring music, bags of chips lingering everywhere and his ordination skills were none existing!

Not to mention the fact Daniel didn't believe in using computers unless he had to. His office was covered in towers of paper that he scribbled and work on! It was such a waste!

And yet, despite all of that, Daniel was rapidly becoming an asset to WE. His ASL translator app wasn't finished, but it had everyone buzzing with excitement and would be well received when it was released with Wayne Phones as a built in app.

________________________________________

Tim tried to avoid him as best he could least he get offended by his lack of work proper behavior

Daniel Fenton did not understand what it meant to put your all into something that you lost yourself along the way. Best to ignore him.

Danny couldn't stand his company CEO. Timothy Drake reminded him a little too much of the A-listers but without the bulling bit. Somehow, that made it worse.

Timothy was popular because he was well liked. He didn't need to relay on his good looks or aggression to make other yeild to him like Paulina or Dash. Even if he was ridiculously good looking to the point, Danny confused him for a siren when he met him.

He had the ability to walk into any room and take command if it. Timothy didn't even need to speak, his very presence commanded attention and awe. Not to mention how great he was at his job.

WE had always been a popular corporation but under Timothy's command they rose to one of the most important corporations in the world. Bruce Wayne was raised to run a company, Timothy Drake was born to run it. There was a large enough difference between the two that anyone could see Timothy was superior at running things.

Danny was nothing like that. He couldn't talk to people, couldn't make them like him, and often he was overlooked for his sister or his wacky but loveable parents.

He was the other Febton. The one that was there and nothing else. A few months ago he was even considered the dumb Fenton, who somehow was skipped over for intelligence.

Then he wrote a little story and everything changed.

Danny turned out to be a proper Fenton, after all, having gotten the attention of Bruce Wayne for his mind. His parents haven't been so proud of him in a long time, and he found himself accepting the job position after graduating high school early before he knew it.

Along with the job came a move to Gotham city. He went after debating it a great deal with his family and friends, but the deal was too sweet to turn down. Now he was in Gothem and he knew absolutely no one.

Danny didn't know how to make new friends here. Tucker and Sam had been the ones to approach him at the beginning of their friendships. He also was scared of getting close to his co-worker less they suspect his Phantom powers.

He knew that Metas was not welcome, and he thought Batman wouldn't care that he was technically dead and not with a meta gene.

So he focused on his work, avoiding large crowds and keeping his head down. He would turn on music to help pass the loneliness and would gater papers to write down his thoughts less they made him mad by running around his head all day.

This anxious insecurity was something Timothy Drake would never understand. He just shone like a fallen star, dazzling the masses with his neat press suits, easy charisma, and intelligent bedroom eyes. Best to ignore him.

________________________________________

Dick never really ventured to WE now that he moved out. He made a habit of trying to visit Tim every two weeks for lunch to fix this. He also really wanted to spend more one on one time with his little brother now that they reconsidled from Bruce's timeline fiasco.

He was still well known by the employees, even new ones, so when Dick arrived to the lobby he was waved in by security. The receptionists were all huddled together muttering to eachother and missed his entrance since security didn't call out to him.

Dick could tell the gossip they were talking about was juicy based on the way Lola was wiggling her eyebrows and Stacy and Isaiah's reaction.

He creeps closer to the front desk, hoping to hear something good.

"Isn't that against the rules?" Isaiah asks.

"WE doesn't have anything like that. Not since Thomas Wayne married his old PA and had Bruce. I think it's cute that Mr.Drake is following in his adoptive Grandfather's footsteps."

Dick paused, shocked. Tim liked someone at WE!?

"They aren't even dating yet, Lola"

"Yeah but you can cut the sexual tension with a- Mr. Grayson! I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. How can I help you?"

Dick blinks. "Oh I'm here to see Tim for lunch. But what was that about Tim you were saying?"

The woman pales as the other two quickly become busy with some email or another.

"Oh, um, I'm so sorry, sir. I shouldn't have -"

"It's fine I don't mind a little chat between co-workers. I'm just curious"

Lola stares before nervously blurting "Rumor has it that um, Mr.Drake has a thing for Daniel Fenton"

"The new boy genius?" Dick thinks about it considering what he knows of Tim's type and his past preferences in partners before nodding "That tracks actually"

He says his thanks and hurries away to Tim's office unaware he may have confirmed a relationship between Tim and Danny.

The gossip circles in WE exploded with the news everyone careful not to let the two subjects hear a whisper.

[torscrawls]

A Ghost by Any Other Name

Danny tries to discreetly combat the ghosts suddenly showing up in Gotham without anyone finding out his secret, find out exactly why the ghosts have decided to follow him like lost ducklings after his narrow escape from his hometown, keep under the radar of both the Bats and his parents, not melt any more than he already has, and not worry his new and innocent friend Tim. Who knew that running away from home would be this stressful?

Wordcount: 1,620

Chapter 1/10

Can be read on AO3!

This fic has art from the wonderful and talented Luca!

---

Tim was just exiting his favorite coffee-shop when he was suddenly tackled by a shouting woman. “My baby! There you are!”

He watched his innocent cup of quintuple-shot espresso sail through the air and splatter across the sidewalk at the same time as he registered her muscular arms and the clear press of several weapons strapped to her body. Not a normal civilian then.

Right. Priorities.

The woman kept her strangle-hold on him as she continued, “Thank goodness you finally managed to get away from that terrible ghost!”

Tim twisted to get his attacker off him. Then he noticed that he wasn’t held in any of the multitude of restraining holds that he had been trained to escape. No, it was something a lot stranger than that. It was a hug.

“I think you have the wrong person,” he managed to get out as he tried to ease her off him, finally registering her earlier words and mentally readjusting the scenario towards a case of misunderstanding rather than an attack. Hopefully. It wouldn’t be the first time a villain took a roundabout way of getting to him, even if he had to say a hug was quite a nice way of going about it.

And that was the moment he noticed the frankly ridiculously big man bounding towards them with a wide smile and tears streaming down his face. He wasn’t slowing down. Oh shit.

He patted the woman on the back to get her attention since she seemed completely unaware of their impending doom. “Um…”

She only squeezed him harder and said, “God! It’s been so long! We were so worried!”

Tim’s bad feeling turned into dread. “… We?”

Then the man slammed into both of them with a wail of, “Danno!” 

The air rushed out of Tim as he was squashed between the two strangers. He might have been robbed of his morning coffee but he couldn’t deny that he was wide awake by now. Cass would be proud, and laugh her ass off. Tim vowed to never let her know about this.

After what felt like an eternity and what was surely a few cracked ribs, the woman disentangled herself from the hug with practiced ease that would put Catwoman to shame. She somehow managed to get the man to let Tim go and after a few seconds of struggling to breathe, Tim managed to wheeze out, “What's a Danno?!”

Then he was staring down the barrel of a gun. He tried to quell his instinct to kick it out of the woman’s hands, but it was the middle of the morning rush, and they were standing on a fairly well trafficked sidewalk, where even if people were smart enough to give the gun-wielding-maniacs—ergo, possible villains—a wide berth, it didn't mean they weren't staring.

Tim slowly raised his hands in a disarming gesture as he thought of a way to get out of this. So far they hadn’t made any demands. They also hadn’t harmed him (except his coffee and his wounded pride). Tim just wished he knew what this was about. So far he had been hugged twice, then had a gun aimed at his face. A gun that glowed green, emitted a worryingly high-pitched whine, and was very clearly home-made. Wonderful.

As Tim looked between the woman and the man he noted how both of their expressions had gone from relief and love to cold and hateful in the blink of an eye. He tensed, ready to disarm her, no matter the people around them. He refused to get himself shot before lunch.

The woman’s hands were steady—even though Tim noted that one of her hands were wrapped in bandages, and how both she and the man looked like they hadn’t slept in days—and her voice was flat as she said, “Phantom might still be overshadowing him.”

Tim frowned as both of them looked intensely into his eyes and after a few tense seconds the woman gave a satisfied nod. “The ghost is gone. You're safe now.”

She lowered the gun but Tim’s frown only deepened. “Ghost? What ghost?” 

The man and woman exchanged looks which only served to confuse him even more. 

“Honey,” the woman said in a soft voice, holstering her gun before placing a hand on Tim’s arm. He shook her off. “Honey, you were kidnapped by Phantom. It overshadowed you. You’ve been missing for a long time! That's probably why you can't remember anything.”

The man nodded along. “We’ve followed you to several cities. You must be exhausted!”

They seemed genuinely distraught by what they were saying but that didn't change the fact that they were absolutely insane.

Tim shook his head. “Look, you’re clearly confused. I’m not—”

He didn’t get to finish before the big man patted Tim on the shoulder with enough force to make him stumble. “Come on, now. It’s time to go home!”

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” Tim bit out, his patience running out. He was almost certainly late to his meeting by now, he didn’t have his coffee, and these two seemed allergic to making any kind of sense. “Who the fuck even are you?”

“Language young man!” The woman with the gun admonished him at the same time as the hulking man shook his head with a disapproving, “Is that any way to address your folks?” 

“My what?!”

These people were absolutely crazy. He already had one unstable parent which was more than enough, thank you very much. He had to get away from them. He took a few steps backwards. The big man stepped with him.

“Son. We know you must be scared, but—” 

“Why would you think I'm your son?!” And what kind of parents would be so ready to pull a gun on their child?

The man slammed a meaty fist into his other hand. “Is this something Phantom put you up to? Oh, when I get my hands on that ghost I’ll—”

The woman grabbed Tim’s arm in a startlingly strong grip. “Are you sure you’re okay, honey? Did that pesky ghost mess with your head?”

“I’m not your son!” Tim exclaimed with increasing desperation. He slapped her hand away. “And stop touching me!”

At this she paused, wide eyes fixed on him, before they narrowed sharply.

The man’s eyes fixed on the side of his neck as he slowly said, “What happened to your scar…?”

The woman finally drew back from him. “Daniel would never hit—”

“Wait a minute…” the man said as he pointed an accusatory finger at Tim. “You're not Daniel!”

Tim groaned as he dragged a hand through his hair. “That's what I've been saying the whole time!”

“Oh!” The woman tilted her head with a calculating look in her eyes that made a shiver of discomfort crawl up Tim’s spine. “But you really do look similar. You both have dark hair and blue eyes.”

Tim waited for more attributes that he shared with this mysterious Daniel, but nothing else came. That was why they had mistaken him for their son? His hair and eye color? …Shouldn’t they be a bit more familiar with what their own son looked like?

The man rubbed at his shin. “Did we have another son?”

“Ha!” the woman laughed, “Of course not, honey. We wouldn’t forget that!”

Tim wasn’t so sure, but he didn’t want to risk starting another argument with these people. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder and awkwardly said, “So, I have to get going. It was… interesting meeting you.”

“Yes! Right! We need to keep looking!” The man straightened up and then screamed at the sky, “Don’t worry, son! We’re coming for you!”

Tim winced, both at the volume and at tomorrow’s headlines which he could already see in his mind’s eye. ‘Wayne Enterprise’s young CEO Tim Wayne caught roughhousing in the streets’. His family would not let him live this down for weeks.

“So sorry for the inconvenience,” the woman said as she lowered goggles over her eyes and took out what looked like some sort of tracking device from somewhere on her jumpsuit. She didn’t sound sorry at all. She continued under her breath, “Phantom should still be in the city… We won't let it get away again.”

And Tim was fairly certain that they should be more focused on finding their apparently missing son than hunting down some ghost, but who was he to judge? And he really didn’t want to get involved in this situation any more than he already had.

The man didn’t even try to apologize as he, once again, slapped Tim on the shoulder with enough force to make him stagger. “It was nice meeting you, young man! And remember; the only good ghost is a dead one!”

“Aren’t all ghosts dead…?”

That made the man boom out a laugh loud enough to make Tim wince. “I like your humor! If you ever get into any trouble with the undead just give us a call!”

Tim didn’t even know their names, but didn’t have time to ask before the woman exclaimed something about a reading and they both took off down the street on a run.

Whoever their missing son was, Tim hoped he stayed far away from them.

His eyes landed on his spilled coffee and Tim heaved a sigh as he turned back towards the coffee-shop. He would have to call in late, but he refused to face any more of this day without caffeine. 

He had more important things to focus on than Bruce getting some competition in the adoption-department. Oh, well. He probably wouldn't see them again.

At least he could console himself with the fact that ghosts aren't real.

[occhietti]

Dicono che tutti i giorni dobbiamo mangiare una mela per il ferro e una banana per il potassio. Anche un'arancia per la vitamina C e una tazza di Tè verde senza zucchero, per prevenire il diabete.

Tutti i giorni dobbiamo bere due litri d'acqua anche se poi espellerli richiede il doppio del tempo che hai messo per berli.

Tutti i giorni bisogna bere un Actimel o mangiare uno yogurt per avere i "L. Cassei Defensis", che nessuno sa bene che cosa cavolo siano, però sembra che se non ti ingoi per lo meno un milione e mezzo di questi bacilli tutti i giorni, inizi a vedere sfocato.

Ogni giorno un'aspirina, per prevenire l'ictus, e un bicchiere di vino rosso, per prevenire contro l'infarto. E un altro di bianco, per il sistema nervoso. E uno di birra, che già non mi ricordo a che cosa serva. Se li bevi tutti insieme, ti può provocare un'emorragia cerebrale, ma non ti preoccupare perché non te ne renderai neppure conto...

Tutti i giorni bisogna mangiare fibra. Molta, moltissima fibra, finché riesci a evacuare un maglione.

Si devono fare tra i 4 e 6 pasti quotidiani, leggeri, senza dimenticare di masticare 100 volte ogni boccone. Facendo i calcoli, solo per mangiare se ne vanno 5 ore. Ah, e dopo ogni pranzo bisogna lavarsi i denti, ossia che dopo l'Actimel e la fibra lavati i denti, dopo la mela i denti, dopo la banana i denti... e così via finché ti rimangono tre denti in bocca, senza dimenticarti di usare il filo interdentale, massaggiare le gengive, il risciacquo col colluttorio... Meglio ampliare il bagno e metterci il lettore di CD, perché tra l'acqua, le fibre e i denti, ci passerai varie ore.

Bisogna dormire otto ore e lavorare altre otto, più le 5 necessarie per mangiare, 21. Te ne rimangono 3, sempre che non ci sia traffico. Secondo le statistiche, vediamo la televisione per tre ore al giorno. Ma no! Non si può, perché tutti i giorni bisogna camminare almeno mezz'ora.

Bisogna mantenere le amicizie perché sono come le piante: bisogna innaffiarle tutti i giorni per mantenerle in vita.

Inoltre, bisogna tenersi informati, e leggere per lo meno due giornali e un paio di articoli di rivista, per una lettura critica.

Ah!, si deve fare sesso tutti i giorni, però senza cadere nella routine: bisogna essere innovatori, creativi, e rinnovare la seduzione.

Tutto questo ha bisogno di tempo. E senza parlare del sesso tantrico.

Bisogna anche avere il tempo di scopare per terra, spolverare, lavare i piatti, i panni, stirare e non parliamo se hai dei figli o un cane.

Insomma, per farla breve, i conti danno 29 ore al giorno. Non c’è niente da fare: devi fare varie cose insieme. Si chiama multitasking, non c’è altra soluzione! Per esempio, ti fai la doccia con acqua fredda e con la bocca aperta, così almeno ti bevi i due litri canonici. Mentre esci dal bagno con lo spazzolino in bocca e fai l’amore (tantrico) con il compagno/a che nel frattempo guarda la TV e ti racconta, mentre tu lavi il pavimento. Ti rimane una mano libera? Chiama i genitori o qualche amico. Dopo aver chiamato i genitori, avrai senz’altro bisogno di un goccio di vino per tirarti su. Il Bio Puritas con la mela te lo può dare il partner, mentre si mangia la banana con l’Actimel, e domani fate il cambio.

Mi è venuta la confusione mentale.

Adesso ti lascio, perché tra lo yogurt, la mela, la birra, il primo litro d’acqua e il terzo pasto con fibra della giornata, già non so più cosa sto facendo. So che devo andare urgentemente in bagno. E ne approfitto per lavarmi i denti. Però, se ti rimangono due minuti liberi, invia una copia ai tuoi amici, che devono essere annaffiati come una pianta.

Se ti avessi già mandato questo messaggio, perdonami. È l’Alzheimer che, nonostante tutte le cure, non sono ancora riuscita a debellare.

web - Autore sconosciuto

[lexosaurus]

Everything Was White: Part 22

[see all chapters]

read on: [ao3] [ffn] (please read tags)

Summary: After being accidentally revealed to the public and taken away by the government, Danny deals with the aftermath of his time with the GIW.

****

The holidays were strange, in a word.

Danny had never been a fan of Christmas, with his parents always too caught up in their work to get into the holiday spirit. And, sure, maybe some of that resentment over his parents doing the bare minimum or���on a few occasions—outright forgetting to celebrate Christmas had built up over the years. 

Sue him.

But it was weird this year. As Christmas approached, Jack came home one day with a few bags full of decorations. He then spent the rest of the afternoon putting lights outside.

The Fenton house had never had holiday lights before. But Danny’s fear of his father finding a way to set the house on fire overrode his excitement about the lights.

Before he knew it, nutcrackers and green wreaths decorated the house. The next day, Jack came home with a tree, and the whole family was ordered to decorate it with him. 

While they did have a tree most years, the last time they hung up ornaments as a family was…

Well, Danny didn’t remember when that was.

“Jazz, stop putting all the ornaments on the bottom branches,” Danny whined, batting her hand away as she attempted to put yet another ornament within the limited scope of Danny’s current reach. “That’s my territory.”

“Then hurry up, slowpoke!” she teased, nonetheless moving to a higher branch.

“So rude. Can’t believe you’re bullying me.”

“I moved it!”

“Mads?” Jack said, handing an ornament over to her.

Maddie had been quiet all evening. She wasn’t in her work jumpsuit either, and Danny wondered if she had spent the day at yet another meeting with their lawyer.

Curiosity was a sinister beast, and part of him wanted to ask his mom what else the lawyer could have possibly said. But considering the last conversation surrounding his zero protections against the Guys in White stalking him everywhere he went, maybe this wasn’t the time.

Jazz fiddled with the Christmas music, skipping over a particularly terrible cover of Feliz Navidad, before she plucked another ornament out of its box.

How depressing was it that Danny was sixteen years old and half of the ornaments they were hanging up were brand new?

“You’re all gonna love your gifts this year!” Jazz said brightly. “No spoilers, but I tried really hard!”

Maddie gave a weak smile. “I’m sure whatever you give will be great, honey.”

“Mine are gonna be bad. Sorry, online shopping only,” Danny said. “Also, I’m broke.”

That, and he’d forgotten that Christmas was—well—a thing.

Express shipping was truly a gift to humanity.

“It’s the thought that counts, Danno!” Jack said, putting that happy-dad mask back on his face. “That’s what I’ve always said!”

He had not always said that. His parents were typically too busy catching ghosts during the coldest months of the year to bother with the holiday season.

Which was fine. It was all just fine. Every family had different traditions, and Sam’s family didn’t even celebrate Christmas at all. But pretending this was suddenly a foundational holiday to the Fenton Family Tradition was ridiculous.

“No rest for the weary, son!” Jack said, placing another ornament in Danny’s lap.

“Sure, Dad.” Danny pushed himself back over to the lopsided tree. 

Jack turned to Maddie. “Your crazy sister is coming up, right?” 

“She’s not crazy, but yes.”

Jazz paused, her ornament dangling in the air. “Aunt Alicia’s coming?” 

“Yes.” Maddie’s gaze flickered to Danny for the briefest moment before settling back on Jazz. “We felt bad we were too busy to get together for Thanksgiving, so we extended the offer for Christmas.”

Danny could translate that well enough: We were too afraid of our mentally unstable son to travel for Thanksgiving.

Dancing around the truth felt almost worse than his parents just openly admitting what a disappointment he was.

No, that was exactly the sort of negative thinking that would rouse suspicion. Not that he had anything to hide, of course. He was a model outpatient kid now.

They continued hanging up the holiday ornaments to the chorus of terrible Christmas tunes that had Jack and Jazz singing along and Danny trying to keep his ears from bleeding. Perfect pitch—or any kind of pitch, for that matter—clearly didn’t come in the Fenton genetic coding.

When they finished, Jack attached a green star on top and plugged the lights into the wall, turning their ornament-bloated tree into an LSD-induced fever dream.

But Danny still couldn’t get it out of his head that Alicia was coming here. Why wouldn’t they go down to Spittoon like they always did?

Maybe they were worried about his wheelchair? Which would have been even more of a reason to give Danny his powers back. Or, maybe because Alicia’s community was anti-ghost?

…yeah. Danny thought back to that old community of closed-off people. Them being anti-halfa was probably the most likely scenario.

His suspicions were more or less confirmed that evening as he floated invisibly in the hall, too lazy to use his wheelchair to go to the bathroom. Jazz, the only perceptive one in the house, was already asleep, so there was no fear of getting caught. The light was still on in his parents’ room, however. Their sleep schedules were almost as bad as Danny’s.

Danny pressed a hand to the bathroom door, about to slip through the wood, when he heard the unmistakable mutter of, “...Danny…” from their room.

His parents were talking about him. Again. If he were smart, he would have ignored it. He already knew what they truly thought about him. There was no need to ruin his night.

But, in fact, he was not smart. So he drifted closer till he was pressing an ear to the door and fighting the impulse to stick his head inside.

“...a good idea?” Jack was asking.

“She’s my sister, hon,” Maddie responded. “Besides, you know what the therapist said about isolating Danny.”

There was a sharp huff from Jack. “I know, Mads. I know she’s been concerned about those patterns reemerging, but it’s one thing to encourage Danny to connect with his classmates and another to invite Alicia into our house.”

“Whatever issues you two have—”

“This isn’t about me!” Jack hissed, clearly struggling to keep his voice down. “I’ve put up with all sorts of talk from her over the years. You’ve seen it! It’s not about me, it’s about our son.”

“She said she was willing to try.”

“Trying isn’t good enough, Mads. I know you two don’t see each other often, and I don’t want to keep you from her, but she can’t step one foot in this home if she’s going to even think about disrespecting Danny.”

There was a brief silence as Jack’s words hung in the air. Then, Danny heard the duvet on the bed shift, a heavy sigh accompanying it. 

“I know.” Maddie’s voice was so quiet, Danny almost didn’t pick it up. “I’ll call her tomorrow, okay?”

“Thank you.”

“I love you, Jack.”

“I love you too.”

The light switched off, and their conversation was finished.

Danny stayed floating in the hallway for some time. So…Alicia hated him now. She thought he was a freak. She thought he was better off back with the Guys in White. And now she was coming here, staying overnight at their house. Perfect. Wonderful. Awesome.

Danny hoped he had enough painkillers to last through her stay.

****

Jazz was going to school early. She needed to do the winter orientation and get acclimated to the city. She was also doing some volunteer tutoring for the kids in the area and wanted to complete the training before the semester started.

Danny had known this. He was fine with it, Jazz, quit asking for his opinion about it.

It was like she thought he was a dandelion about to drift off with the slightest breeze. But he wasn’t.

He wasn’t. 

He wasn’t some child who couldn’t exist without his "big sis"  holding his hand. He was sixteen and had people like his therapists and his best friends to rely on. Of course, he hadn’t talked to his friends about Jazz leaving yet. And although his therapist had brought up the topic a few times now, they hadn’t really talked about it too deeply.

But that was only because there really wasn’t anything to say. Jazz was leaving, and that was that.

“You’re sure?” Jazz asked. “There’s really nothing?”

Nothing? Huh?

Right, there was nothing he wanted from her. Nothing he wanted to do with her. No bucket-list items. He’d already demanded too much from her. She even deferred an entire semester of her dream college because of him. 

So why was she asking if there was anything he wanted to do with her before the holidays were over? Why was she wasting her time?

“I’m sure. Not like I can really get around easily, anyway.” Danny slumped back on the couch.

“Danny, I’m sure we can find some wheelchair-friendly things—”

“That—that’s not what I meant.” Despite his best efforts, he felt his face flush. Or, maybe it was partially what he meant. Who knew anymore, with the way his TBI liked to scramble all his thoughts? “I meant that—with the paparazzi…”

“Okay, then we can dress incognito!” Jazz said. “Come on, not even a trip to the movies? It would be fun!”

“You hate horror movies,” Danny pointed out.

“Did you forget about, oh, I don’t know, every single other genre of film out there? Would it kill you to switch it up for an hour?”

“Yes. It absolutely would.”

Jazz rolled her eyes. “Come on, Danny. For me?”

And there were those big eyes and clasped hands that had defeated Danny so many times before. Really, how was he supposed to say no to his sister when she pulled her trump card like this? 

So unfair.

“Fine! Fine, you can dress me up in a stupid wig or whatever and we can go see one of your dumb movies before you leave. But if we get caught…”

“We won’t!” Jazz grabbed his arm, apparently too excited to contain herself.

She almost looked like the old Jazz, the Jazz that didn’t have to worry about her little brother staying out of the hospital.

Maybe focusing on other things would be good for her. Maybe it was time for her to get away. Maybe she needed this sense of normalcy again.

Maybe it was time to let her go.

Before Danny could ponder that thought any longer, the door swung open with enough force to nearly plow through the wall. 

“Aunt Alicia!” Jazz scrambled from the couch. “Welcome!”

“Jazz!” Alicia stepped through the interior, her suitcase in hand. A green coat had been thrown over her overalls and plaid T-shirt, and she shed it as soon as she stepped through the threshold.  

Jazz hugged her. “Good to see you! You haven’t changed a bit!”

It was true. No matter how old Alicia got, her red mullet and bulldog-like features stuck around.

“I can’t say the same about you!” Alicia pulled Jazz away, surveying her up and down with a grin. “Look at you, your hair’s so long now. And have you grown?”

“Not since I was like thirteen!” 

Maddie peeked over their shoulders. “I can take your suitcase to the guest room.”

“Nonsense!” Alicia barked. “It hasn’t been that long since I’ve been here. I remember where it is just fine!”

“Don’t worry, Alicia,” Jack said, getting up from the couch. “Go catch up with the kids! I’ll bring your stuff upstairs.”

As usual, Alicia hesitated at Jack’s offer, looking him over as if he were three feet tall and made of fool’s gold.

“Thank you, Jack!” Maddie snatched the suitcase and coat from her sister’s arms and passed them off to Jack, who quickly disappeared upstairs. She ushered Alicia into the living room. “Come, sit. It was a long flight. Would you like anything to drink? We have both red and white wine somewhere in the cabinets—oh, the white hasn’t been chilled.”

Danny sat rigid on the couch, the cushions suddenly feeling hard underneath him. His brain registered a strange pressure on his thighs, and he glanced down to see his hands gripping his legs. He let go, allowing his arms to fall awkwardly to his sides, and when he looked back up, he saw how Alicia was slowly lowering herself onto an armchair, leering at him like he was some sort of alien at Area 51.

That wasn’t even a far-off comparison to make. He was the alien. Only, instead of being located in the desert, Area 51 was his damn living room.

“What would you like, Alicia?” Maddie called from the kitchen.

Alicia blinked. “Huh? Oh, whatever light beer you have is fine.”

“I’ll see what we have.”

Jazz hopped back on the couch next to Danny, stretching out like she did after returning home from a run. “How was the flight?”

“Long. It’s cold up here,” Alicia said, frowning at the window.

“It’s been a mild winter so far,” Jazz said.

“Mild to you, maybe. I haven’t been outside of Arkansas in…well, since the last time I was here, actually. When was that, six years ago?” 

“Eight,” Danny said, his memory—usually so full of holes—surprising even himself. He stared at the ground, not wanting to see Alicia’s reaction to his alien voice. “I was eight. My dad tried to play Santa and—and fell on the tree.”

Silence lapsed in the room, and Danny risked glancing up to see Alicia’s inquisitive face once again turned on him, nodding slowly. “Right, I remember that.”

“Oh god, I’d forgotten!” Jazz laughed as if the air weren’t awkward enough to cut with a chainsaw. “Mom was so pissed!”

“Till I got the whiskey in her.” Alicia winked.

Winked. 

Danny, thankfully, didn’t drop his jaw.

It…was okay? He wasn’t a disgusting little cockroach then, infesting this human home with his gross ecto-blood?

It was naive to hope that someone accepted him for what he was. He knew that. He’d been let down too many times in the past. But still, he couldn’t help it, the desperation leaking into him, lifting him up, straightening his spine. He couldn’t stop that pang of longing from stabbing through him. 

And of course, it was stupid, because as soon as Danny’s wide eyes made contact with Alicia’s, a frown appeared back on her face.

Though, only momentarily, as it was broken by Maddie stepping into the living room a second later with a beer can in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. “This alright?”

“Looks fine to me!” Alicia said.

“You’re all set!” Jack called, bounding down the stairs. “Oh, you ladies having drinks?”

“Of course we are!” Alicia said. “Jazz, you’re old enough, aren’t you?”

“I’m eighteen,” Jazz said.

“Plenty old enough! Maddie, get her a glass of something too.”

Maddie pursed her lips at Jazz.

“I’m going to college soon anyway, Mom,” Jazz pointed out.

Maddie sighed. “Fine, one glass.”

Jazz shot a smug smile at Danny, who was only a tiny bit jealous. Not that he could drink with all the medication he was on, anyway. But a glass of something to diffuse whatever tension he was causing through the horrible crime of existing sounded great.

Well, worst-case scenario, he always had the bottle of pills in his backpack. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t already taken something before this. 

For the pain, of course. 

“You excited for Harvard?” Alicia asked, snapping Danny from his rumination. 

“So excited!” Jazz responded.

“Smart girl! I always knew you’d get there. I remember Maddie calling me all worried when you were applying, saying stuff about how hard it was to get into, and I told her not to worry one bit! I said that girl’s something special, she is. Smartest of the bunch! I said she’d show up every other applicant in the pool!”

“That she did! My Jazzypants kicked some major butt out there! We’re very proud of her,” Jack said.

Alicia only looked a little bitter that Jack had spoken to her before turning her attention back to her favorite niece. “Have you thought at all about what you want to study?”

“Psychology,” Jazz replied easily. “I got a five in AP Psych in high school.”

“That’s the top score,” Maddie explained.

Alicia beamed. “See, Maddie? They’re lucky to have such a bright young woman in their program!”

They were. They really were.

With Jazz now only weeks away from leaving, these conversations had become more and more commonplace with people they met. And Danny was happy for Jazz, and he was a little glad that the spotlight wasn’t on him all the time, but with each new mention of Jazz leaving came a new realization that Jazz was leaving.

“They are definitely,” Maddie said. Glancing at Danny, she added, “We’re very proud of both of our kids. They’ve both worked so hard this year.”

Oh, no.

Now Alicia’s attention was fully back on him. Back on his oversized sweatshirt, his plain sweatpants, his mussed-up hair that he couldn’t remember if he’d combed that morning. He felt just like when Plasmius assessed him for the first time. Tiny, like an ant being crushed under the overwhelming force of a large boot.

Just from the way her eyes squinted as she surveyed him up and down, Danny could tell that she didn’t know if she wanted to give him a fake positive answer or spit in his face. And with every microsecond she continued her internal assessment, he felt the weight of her metaphorical boot crushing him further and further into the ground.

“Yup, Danno’s been getting those grades up!” Jack carried on, his commentary doing little to settle the atmosphere. “He’s got a real knack for science, too!”

Hardly.

And, judging by Alicia’s narrowing eyes, she was certainly thinking of a different kind of science anyway. The kind that involved strapping ghosts to lab tables and cutting them open. 

Still, he tried his best to go with it. “Well, when you live with my parents, it’s hard not to pick up a thing or two along the—um, way…”

Oh no. He had definitely made it worse.

Okay, time to flip the script back onto the favorite kid. “But Jazz is really better at all that stuff. She was in AP Bio last year and aced it too.”

“I didn’t ace it, Danny.”

“A ninety-two is still acing it in my book.”

Jazz’s face was red, though Danny could see the glowing pride that she was currently trying to bury. “Well, college is going to be harder than a high school class, you know!”

“And—and Danny? You’re in school too?” Alicia spoke up.

Suddenly, Danny felt small all over again. “Oh—uh, yeah. I am.”

Only for half of the day, and not in any general education classroom. But saying that out loud would have been too embarrassing. It would have just proved to Alicia that the media was right and he wasn’t able to function like a normal teenager doing normal teenage things, like going to class.

“Danny’s been working very hard to catch up,” Maddie said, offering her most loving and supportive smile, which Danny was sure had to be an act. “Especially after everything, he’s really putting such great effort into his classes.”

“So…Danny…” Alicia tried, shifting her beer can from one hand to the other. She pursed her lips, and Danny wondered what words she could possibly be searching for before she opened her mouth and said, “What do you plan on doing after high school?”

It was such a banal question that Danny almost thought that Alicia was being genuine. But then her voice echoed in his head just once more, and Danny could hear the underlying tones of curiosity and…scorn? 

Or was he reading too far into her?

“Um…” Danny shifted his gaze between Jazz and his parents. “Well…I’d like to—to work for NASA. I think.”

Alicia sucked her teeth. “NASA, huh? That’s certainly a reach. Doing what, exactly?”

Danny shrugged. He’d wanted to be an astronaut before all this. But now that he had more health conditions than he probably knew? 

Yeah. Fat chance.

“I don’t know. I just like space. I know it’ll be difficult, but…”

“Are you kidding, son? All the space agencies will be bidding on having a kid like you work for them.” Jack raised his glass, grinning. “You know how much money it’ll save them to have an astronaut who doesn’t need a space suit?”

Danny winced at Jack’s brazen reference to his ghost half, but thankfully Alicia had done little more than quirk a brow. 

“And Danny’s really handy at working our dad’s gadgets, too,” Jazz said. “I’ve been saying for years that he’d make an awesome mechanical engineer.”

“Yeah, well…” Danny rubbed the back of his neck. “We’ll see what happens.”

“But you do wanna go to college?” Alicia asked.

“I mean, I think so? Why?” 

“Well, I would have assumed you would have wanted to keep doing that ghost-fighting Phantom business.”

Ah. So they were talking about this now.

Danny had never felt so put under a microscope in his life. He would take another round of paparazzi interrogation over whatever this was.

Was it hot in this room for anyone else? Or just him?

“I—I don’t—” 

He caught Jazz’s eye, who thankfully came to his rescue. “Danny does that as a sort of community service. He doesn’t make any money off of it or anything.”

Alicia, for once, looked genuinely surprised. “No? Not even on your social media? I thought all you kids were making pocket money on social media nowadays.”

Danny had to suppress a guffaw. “Um, well, I couldn’t exactly link my bank account to my social media before all this went down. I—I guess I never really thought about that. I probably could now, but…I don’t—I don’t know. It’d feel wrong.”

“Huh, well I’ll be.” Alicia leaned back in her chair. “I’ll admit, kid, you certainly never cease to surprise me.”

He had no idea if he was supposed to thank her or be offended by that.

“As I said, we’re very proud of both of our kids,” Maddie said. She sipped her wine, giving a slight nod of approval to her sister as she did.

“The world is definitely changing. That’s for sure,” Alicia mused.

Danny let out a silent breath, supposing that was about as good as it would get from her. She was an old-fashioned woman from an old-fashioned community. Danny would almost certainly be second place to Jazz in this woman’s eyes for the rest of her life, but considering that he seemed to be lower than dirt to most of the public, Alicia not considering him the favorite was hardly the worst place to exist. 

So long as she didn’t show up with a gun and try to kill him, Danny could take a dose of skeptical comments here and there from her.

****

As usual, Danny woke up on Christmas Day with a foreboding sense of dread coursing through his body.

Although, this year, he couldn’t figure out why. Surely, he had undergone far worse things this year than surviving Christmas. But still, he couldn’t help but let that old resentment linger. And when the realization that he’d need to get out of bed hit him, he was half-wondering if he should just feign ill to avoid his family for the rest of the day. His parents would almost certainly believe him, with his long list of medications he dutifully took every day. Though, Jazz would be able to tell he was bullshitting.

He had to get out of bed, it seemed. But he would let himself take a little white pill first…

When the pain in his chest lessened and his limbs felt light once again, Danny was finally able to take his first real breath today. Maybe everything would be okay, and they would eat good food together, and make good conversation, and everyone would be happy.

Yeah. That would be nice.

He grabbed his walker and headed downstairs. Soon, he would be using forearm crutches. He’d tried a pair out at his last PT appointment and was surprised at just how much more convenient they were than a walker. He hadn’t been able to use them without the support of two adults bracing him, sure, but even just the taste of a smaller walking device rather than the bulky wheelchair and walker that he was currently using was more than a little tantalizing.

If he mastered the crutches, he could go on stairs. He wouldn’t be living the rest of his life under the constraints of elevators and—heaven forbid—stairlifts. 

He knew logically that there was nothing wrong with using those tools. Other people who needed stairlifts and elevators should use them judgment-free. But there was something wrong with him needing those things. 

Because he was Phantom.

And that was the key difference.

Pride at the forefront of his mind, he abandoned his stairlift in favor of trudging down the stairs at a painfully slow pace. He knew Aunt Alicia was watching him out of the corner of her eye, and he hoped that she could see just how much he was trying. No matter how weak and helpless the Guys in White wanted him to be, he wasn’t.

“Danno!” his father called once he’d reached the bottom of the stairs. “He’s finally awake!”

A little more breathless than he wanted to show, Danny meekly turned around to see his father in a full Santa suit, fake beard and all. 

“Merry Christmas!” Jack said.

Oh, that was right. His dad was his dad. “Merry Christmas.”

Jazz sauntered over to him and plopped a Santa hat atop his head.

“Hey!” Danny glared. He couldn’t risk letting go of his walker to bat the hat away. 

Her eyes sparkled impishly in return. “Just passing along the festive spirit!”

“Hi, sweetie!” Maddie said. “Merry Christmas!”

“Ho, ho, ho! Look at all the presents that I—Santa—delivered to these good children!” Jack puffed out his chest and pointed toward the now sufficiently stocked Christmas tree.

“Oh my god, Dad.” Danny almost cringed to death. “You don’t have to—”

“Of course I do, sonny boy! It’s all about getting into the Christmas spirit! Ho, ho, ho!”

“I’m going to puke.”

“Hah!” Alicia barked a laugh, her cheeks rosy.

Danny eyed her eggnog suspiciously.

“Not much for the Santa stuff, huh, kid?” 

“Not really,” Danny responded. “My parents never really did this stuff before, either.”

“There’s always time to start new traditions, honey!” Maddie responded, taking a sip of her eggnog as well. Like Alicia, her eyes seemed a little too bright for the morning.

His legs sufficiently shaking, Danny wasted no time in following his family over to the kitchen where a giant spread of food fit for a family of ten was waiting for him. 

“Good timing, by the way! If you hadn’t come down soon, I would have come wake you up,” Maddie said, stowing his walker off to the side once he’d gotten settled in his chair. “Brunch is ready. Juice?”

“Sure.”

“God, it’s been ages since we’ve had a Christmas together. Hasn’t it, Mads?” Alicia asked.

“I know!” Maddie closed the cupboard, glass in hand, and opened the fridge for the orange juice carton. “Not since Dad was still around.”

“I miss that old geezer.”

“He was a good man!” Jack agreed.

For once, Alicia didn’t bite his head off for speaking to her directly, likely too under the influence to care. “I’ve been trying to figure out how he makes that smoked brisket, but I’ve never quite mastered it.”

“You’ve gotten pretty close!” Maddie said.

“Mads, you’re just saying that ‘cause you have the palate of a toddler,” Alicia ribbed. Lowering her voice, she said to Jazz, though loud enough for everyone to overhear anyway, “Your mother’s a lot of things, but a chef is not one of them. One time when we were teens, she damn near burned the house down making toast. Toast! Who the hell does that?”

Maddie laughed, placing the orange juice and this morning’s dose of medication in front of Danny.

“Our neighbor thought the house was gonna burn down and called 911! The fire department showed up and everything!” Alicia pounded the table with her fist, howling laughter overtaking her.

Everyone else was also in stitches. Everyone aside from Danny, that was, who was trying to down his meds as quickly as possible so as not to let Alicia get a glimpse of the cocktail of pills he’d been prescribed. 

He’d only just gotten her as an ally. There was no need to remind her that he was actually a mutant freak.

“That was a long time ago!” Maddie countered through her chuckles. “I’ve improved since then!”

“Okay, that’s fair. Although, I still did most of the handiwork today.”

“You cooked all this?” Danny asked, eyeing the pans of quiche, cinnamon buns, and bacon.

He was so thankful that of all the things the government had ruined for him, the smell of bacon was not one of them.

“Most of it! Your mom helped me some.”

“Well, let’s not dillydally!” Jack ripped off his hat—taking the beard with it—and tucked it off to the side. “Dig in!”

For once, Danny actually let himself enjoy the meal. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, this new spark of energy that there hadn’t been before. The laughter constantly emanating from the table, the warm, inviting smells of good food, the rambunctious chatter popcorning off the walls of the kitchen. It had been so long since Danny had felt like his home was truly a home. But today, at this moment, he could genuinely feel some of that cold begin to thaw, and he could almost forget that his parents were designing a chip to control his core, that Alicia secretly hated his ghost half, that Jazz was going to leave him soon.

Almost.

But not quite.

The loud conversation made it hard for him to follow along sometimes. Especially under all the drugs, his brain had a habit of zoning out mid-conversation, and when he’d blink back into the chatter a moment later, he’d be missing some key information and would have to scramble to catch back up. His loose limbs helped the pain go away, but the dizzying side effects made him noticeably slow and clumsy with his fork. The first time his fork slipped through his fingers and fell onto his plate, he laughed it off with a comment about the Fenton Butterfingers Curse. The second time he dropped his fork? Well, that was a pattern.

One that he didn’t want Alicia to catch onto.

But that aside, the breakfast was good. It was wholesome. It was proof that they were really a family. A true, loving family. One that did family things like celebrate Christmas together.

At least, that was what he could pretend.

After they finished dishes, they opened gifts. He had actually tried—somewhat—with the little money he could scrape together this year. He’d long since understood that his parents loved their practical gifts, so he got his dad a pack of metal screws, and his mom a new pair of winter gloves. For Alicia, he got her some cleaning supplies for her gun collection. 

For his sister, he managed to find a notebook with little green ghosts on the cover, and the excited hug she’d given him seemed genuine enough. That, along with the promise that she would use it in her psych class next semester. 

“Only if—if you want,” Danny ducked his head.

“Of course I want, Danny!” Jazz playfully batted his shoulder. “Now, it’ll be like you’re right there with me every time I go to study!”

Danny tried his best to shove down the heat that threatened to overtake his cheeks. His sister could be such a dork when she wanted to be.

Although Danny wasn’t expecting much in return—his family had never really given big gifts before—his parents had genuinely left him speechless with theirs. 

At first, it was because he had no idea what the gift was supposed to be. 

“Press that button right there,” Jack said, pointing vaguely at the two small metal contraptions in Danny’s hands.

“Where?” Danny asked.

“Right on the side!” Jack said. “There’s a button on each of them.”

Danny felt around the sides of one of the sleek tubes for a button, and sure enough, when he pressed it, the tube expanded into a full-sized metal forearm crutch with black and green accents. 

Danny couldn’t help but let his eyes widen as he expanded the next one too. “Oh, whoa. Wow.”

“We know you don’t have your ghost form back right now, hon, but when you do, you’re not going to want to carry around anything bulky when you switch back and forth,” Maddie explained. “We didn’t think the current crutch designs were compact enough, so we’ve been working on these ones for the past few weeks. You just press the button and they’ll collapse back into their tubes that you can shove in your backpack or store wherever you need.”

Danny turned the crutches around in his fingers, his brain already buzzing at all the opportunities this would give him. Now, he didn’t have to worry if his Phantom form got tired. He could just switch back. Well, as soon as he figured out how to use the crutches, that was. But he could go outside now! And if he got good enough, he could even use them at school!

The thought of not being half the height of his classmates anymore was enough for his lips to curl up in a smile. “Wow, thanks.” He looked up at his parents, not sure if he’d managed to suppress the green glint in his eyes, and not exactly caring either way. “This—this is going to change so much. Holy—wow. Thank you.”

His dad slapped a hand on his shoulder. “Course, son! Gotta make sure you’re all set up now, don’t we?”

The rest of the gifts were doled out, and though Danny had collapsed the crutches back into their tubes, he refused to let them part with his hands. They stayed curled in his fists until long after all the wrapping paper had been cleared from the floor, his dad took a break from the festivities to disappear into the basement, and his mom and aunt made their way into the kitchen to drink more eggnog and chat about the good old days.

The tree lights gave the room a warm glow, warping around the ornaments and bubbling the walls with splashes of yellow. It was cozy, and for maybe the first time in his life, Danny understood why people liked having Christmas trees in their homes.

“Hey, Danny?” Jazz asked.

Danny turned to see her eyes trained on the fake fire flickering on the television.

“What?” he asked.

“Are you gonna be okay? You know, when I go off to school?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Danny asked, but his voice didn’t have the bite he had intended.

Maybe it was the warmth in the room. Maybe it was his fatigue hitting him. 

Maybe it was the odd guilt clawing in the pit of his stomach.

“I just…” Jazz huffed. 

“Jazz, you need to go to school,” he said, cutting her off. “I’ll—I’m fine. Seriously.”

Jazz didn’t look convinced.

“I’m really happy you…you stayed. But I’m healing, I got Mom and Dad and my friends. I have the—the therapists. You know? I—I’ll be fine.”

Jazz nodded slowly. 

But Danny could still see the fear in her eyes.

“Why?” he asked, turning it back on her.

“I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t be bringing this up now, but I know you’re still holding back with…everything. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to bottle stuff up just because I won’t be around anymore.”

“I’m not bottling anything up,” Danny countered. At her look, he amended. “Okay, I’m bottling a few things up. But—but really, Jazz, the big stuff? I promise I’ve talked about. I’m just adjusting still.”

“You promise?” Jazz asked, her teal eyes wide with hope. 

The nothingburger his lies had been now felt like a thousand pounds on his shoulders, but he knew that if he said no, then Jazz would never be able to be present at school. That she’d be too afraid to make close friends, commit to a club, or enjoy her new life because she would always have one hand on her phone waiting for a call from Maddie, or worse, the police. 

So Danny put on the most reassuring, loving expression he could as he uttered the words that nailed the metaphorical coffin shut: “I promise.”

“Thank you.”

****

previous / next

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Thank you to @imekitty and @astatia-ghast for the beta work! Also huge thank you to @bibliophilea for helping me get over my insane writer's block with this chapter. I owe y'all for real 🙏

[ellena-asg]

@neanderthal-pessimist

Babe, you asked about Danny's suicidal thoughts/attempt so here it is.

In 1x18 there is a moment when Danny and Steve have a talk with FBI guys and later, when boys are alone, Danny is devastated by the news about Matt's financial crimes and Steve's "what if Matt is really guilty?". Danny wants Steve to have faith in Matt (or: Danny tries to still believe in his own brother, he wants to be loyal) and there's his confession.

Very dark and painful confession: once Danny thought about suicide (and I guess/interpret that he TRIED to kill himself - and that's why Matt was always there, was there almost 24/7).

Why? Because of damn Rachel. No, it wasn't because of the divorce (he could live without her, he would be happier without her and his mental health would be much better when she's away from him). It was because of Rachel's plays. GRACIE. She used Grace against Danny, she wanted to ruin his fatherhood. She took Grace away from him and was like "You'll lose her, Daniel. I swear" ("I'll punish you, Daniel"). Once she and her mother behaved in toxic and abusive way towards Danny and then, after divorce, Rach ruined Danny's mind again. She knew well what would hurt him, what would really hurt him. She knew well that Grace was Danny's everything. Danny's forever-love. Rach knew where to hit so she hit.

So in 1x18 we can see all Danny's pain. All painful memories. It's a double pain cause it's about Gracie and now also about Matty. Matty saved him. We can say about Matt many things but yeah, he saved Danny's life. He helped Danny to be strong again. He helped him to fight for Gracie. Danny almost lost Grace, almost lost his life (literally and metaphorically) and in this moment he fears that he will lose his brother - a brother who helped him so much.

Gosh, Steve's face. He's shocked. He's terrified. He tries to stay calm but he can't - he's shaking inside. His Danny, his beloved Danny, his angel, best friend, his best human ever, sunshine of his life... Danny almost died. Almost killed himself. Danny. Suicide, fuck. Yes, Steve understands Danny's loyalty and love for Matthew BUT THIS. SUICIDE. Steve can't think about Matt now. He is focused on Danny. On Danny's old pain. He can't believe that his boy tried, thought... His strong, "there's always hope" boy... Fuck. No. God, why? Why Danny had to suffer? Why Danny has to suffer? Oh, Steve knows well that part of the pain is still there - cause Rachel still wants war. She is still mean to Danny. Her smile can't hide it. Steve knows her. He observes. He listens to Danny and believes Danny, not her.

Steve is pissed off. He was pissed off earlier when he saw Rachel's games. When he heard Danny's bitter words, Danny's fears. But now Steve has such a face like... It's the face "I wanna go back to the restaurant and...". Shout at Rachel. Tell her that she's the worst. Gosh, Steve looks here like he wants to punch her. He can't do this, he knows (plus: he doesn't want to ruin Danny's fatherhood). But in his mind he is punching her. He is shouting at her (well, maybe one day he will tell her, one day he will punch her with his bitter words, one day when Danny and Grace are safe).

Steve is here (and always will be) for Danny. He touches him. This touch is like a touch of guardian angel. And in the end he is looking at Danny and there's so much love and concern in Steve's eyes. Rachel can't hurt Danno anymore, no fucking way, he thinks.

It's such a strong scene. Danny opens his heart. Oh yes, Steve is the only one - Danny lets only him to know. To know about the darkest moment in Danny's life. Danny knows that Steve will understand. That Steve will treat this seriously. Steve is like him. And Steve is the opposite of Rachel. There's no shame, Danny. Steve loves you. Your pain is his pain. All what is yours is his.

I love that they're together SO MUCH. They're together so it will be all right. They're strong together. So strong.

I'm not a fan of Matt but it's so good that Danny had him around. Matt saved Danny and all what he did for him as a brother... It's touching. It's beautiful. All that beer, all those talks, all this time... Thank you, Matthew Williams. You saved an angel.

But... I can't believe that this Matt, this Matt that saw his brother's pain, deepest depression, that witnessed Danny's suicidal attempt... Why the hell Matt still tries to be nice (SO nice) to Rachel? Why the hell he wants her around Danny? (and Grace) Why the hell he invited Rachel for his family dinner with Danny and Grace? Why the hell he told Danny "You love Rachel, I see this"?! Why the hell he behaves like he wants to see Danny and Rachel together again (knowing well about Danny's pain and seeing well how much Steve means to Danny)? Why sometimes he behaves like HE is in love with Rach? (well, sometimes she looks at him like "I chose the wrong brother" so... hmm...).

And Rachel, geez. Why show's plot is on her side? Why no one sued her for what she did? She's guilty. She (and her mother) ruined Danny's mental health. After divorce she ruined Danny's mental health even more. Her toxic/destructive behaviour (and using Grace in her war against Danny) was the cause. Her behaviour and toxic deeds, her "I'll take Grace" pushed Danny to suicide attempt. Why didn't she face any consequences? Why are people still kind to her? Why the hell Grace lives with her? Where's "I'm sorry, Danny?" (oh, okay, there's no apology cause Hollanders are never sorry, right?).

Six months. SIX MONTHS! Six months full of deepest anxiety and depression. Six months WHOLE of that. Six months without light. Six months, for six months Matt tried to change Danny's mind. For six months there was a danger - that Danny would do it. I can imagine Matt's fear when he went to work and for those few hours per day Danny was there alone... Six months with darkest thoughts. And before and after that? Still dark. She made/makes Danny's life dark (and Steve's too, by the way).

Where's the law? Where's the justice for Danny? What an irony - he fights for other victims' justice but he as a victim got no justice.

Yeah, I know. Writers hated Danny. And Lenkov wanted Danny/Rachel so badly...

"I would not have gotten through that"

It hurts. It's blood-curdling. Danny, our bamf!Danny said that. It's generally scary to hear such words. To see other person's pain and feeling of total loss. Gosh, I can't 😭 This line kills me. It kills my heart.

(Thank you, Matthew for saving the life. Thank you, Steve for saving this life again. For giving Danny a real good life, safer and colourful. Life full of love).

[smokingago]

“L’ETERNO RITORNO ALL’UGUALE”

Freud chiamava l’eterno ritorno all’uguale, la coazione a ripetere:

“ci sono individui che nella loro vita ripetono sempre, senza correggersi, le medesime reazioni a loro danno, o che sembrano addirittura perseguitati da un destino inesorabile, mentre un più attento esame rivela che essi stessi si creano inconsapevolmente con le loro mani questo destino. “

La coazione a ripetere è uno dei sintomi più comuni che appartengono alla nevrosi.

Come si esce dalla coazione a ripetere?

Ricordarsi, il ricordo di sé, come lo chiamava Gurdjieff è l’azione che ciascuno può compiere per uscire dal loop, per ritornare padroni di sé.

“Il ricordo di sé” è sceglier dove mettere l’attenzione e così essere responsabili di ciò che si pensa, si sente, si agisce.

Il processo di ricordarsi di sé è

“il raggiungimento di uno stato di equilibrio dei tre centri (centro mentale, emotivo, fisico) il cui manifestarsi nella vita quotidiana risveglia l’uomo ad uno stato di coscienza che gli permette finalmente di percepire sé stesso nella Vera Realtà.”

G. I. Gurdjieff

[laragazzadagliocchitristi]

Oggi mi sono alzata con una consapevolezza che in qualche modo mi ha rasserenata. Non sono come le altre persone, ho tempi, modi, pensieri e gusti diversi. Per timidezza e insicurezza trovo difficoltà a fare cose che per gli altri sono facili o normali e sono sempre stata additata come una persona stupida, incapace e senza voglia di fare niente. Ho una sensibilità e fragilità profonda e diversa da qualsiasi persona conosciuta, e cose che per gli altri sono indifferenti per me sono fonte di disagio e sofferenza e cose che per gli altri passano inosservate per me sono importanti. Ho sempre avuto difficoltà a integrarmi e fare amicizia perché non ho mai trovato persone simili e mi sono sempre sentita fuori luogo in quasi tutti i contesti e per questo ho sempre condotto una vita solitaria e non ho fatto le stesse esperienze delle altre persone negli stessi tempi delle altre persone, e sono sempre stata giudicata strana e diversa e ho sofferto molto per tutto questo. Sono diversa e finalmente riesco a dirlo senza sentirlo come una colpa, come una vergogna, come mi hanno sempre fatto credere per tutta la vita. Sono diversa e va bene così. Ho capito che parte del mio malessere nasce e cresce quando mi confronto con gli altri, quando tento di omologarmi e assecondare i condizionamenti sociali, quando tento di incastrarmi con persone o ambienti che non fanno per me. E come quando hai un sintomo di un malessere, lo descrivi al medico per capire la cura non lo ignori, così bisognerebbe imparare ad ascoltare ogni segnale che il corpo e la mente ci danno. Se una cosa non ci fa stare bene dovremmo smettere di farla, non dovremmo forzarci in luoghi, cose e persone che non fanno per noi. Il benessere mentale è una delle cose più importanti.

-laragazzadagliocchitristi

[canihavesomethingofmyown]

Oahu, INT, Day

DANNY is sitting in a sea of glossy brochures, writing down dates and locations in his notebook.

DANNY: I think we’ll stop over in LA this time, before visiting mom and dad. I’d like to see more of LA than the concorse at the airport.

DANNY enthusiastically points out different tours and locations in the brochures.

DANNY: Grace has asked if we could go to Hollywood, and Disneyland, all of that. So I thought, why not?

STEVE: the kids will love that, Danny.

STEVE looks at DANNY with a wistful longing, his heart full. But his chest tightened and he felt sad somewhere inside as he realised Danny and the kids would be gone for a while.

STEVE: (trying to sound casually interested, instead of hopelessly crestfallen) How long will the trip take?

DANNY: About 2 and a half weeks. So you’d better call the governor, babe.

STEVE: Why?

DANNY: Because you’ll need your leave approved.

STEVE stared at him blankly.

DANNY: You’re coming with us, babe. I need a crazy adrenaline junkie to go on all those rides with Grace.

STEVE beamed as he started a mental list of items he should pack for the best vacation ever.

STEVE: I’d love to be your adrenaline junkie, Danno.

[medicomunicare]

L'ansia cronica e l'insorgenza di nuovi episodi d'ansia possono aumentare il rischio di demenza negli anziani

Introduzione La demenza è un disturbo neurodegenerativo progressivo che compromette le funzioni cognitive, comportamentali e funzionali di chi ne è affetto. Con l’invecchiamento della popolazione globale, la prevalenza della demenza è in costante aumento, rendendo questa condizione una delle principali preoccupazioni per la salute pubblica. Fattori di rischio ben documentati per la demenza…

[scogito]

Riporto un commento che riassume una valanga di pensieri simili.

Non mi interessa spiegare i vari motivi di bassezza mentale ed emotiva che emergono fin troppo palesi, voglio piuttosto ribadire l'evidenza del circuito malato di questo sistema che le persone non vedono l'ora di nutrire.

Ciò riguarda sia chi subisce, sia chi infligge, che sono facce dello stesso processo.

La maggior parte delle volte nessuno si occupa di giustizia. In piccolo come in grande, le persone vogliono solo vendetta.

Ciò perché prima di ragionare sul come e sul perché hanno permesso di alimentare certi schemi, danno la piena responsabilità agli altri.

E nel fare questo si credono talvolta superiori, senza capire che si trovano nella stessa stanza di coloro che tanto detestano.

L'auto osservazione ti costringe a vedere anche quanto puoi essere imbecille. Ti obbliga a svincolarti da certe dinamiche e a usare la tua mente e le tue emozioni in modo diverso.

Chi ci riesce apre la porta ed esce da quella stanza, chi resta nei legami distorti si impegna nella "rivincita".

Faccio notare che chi pensa a vincere vuole solo ri-vincere, ovvero ha in sé lo schema del potere disfunzionale e così vive ogni relazione.