#cw vent tags LOL

[aireosart]

-

[karl-marxs-lil-pogchamp]

goddamn being biologically female really is like a lifetime prison sentence without a chance for parole isn't it

[lale-txt]

waking up to fucking AI “art” on my dash

[eosofspades]

why does self loathing never actually properly die like i don't mean this in a "you'll always hate yourself" way (you won't) but i mean why is it that i killed my inner torment but when shit starts going bad again i start to hear the heartbeat of self hatred from beneath the floorboards

[minediamonds]

Okay so I have tons of drafts, but not tons of muse. TLDR version: I will possibly drop some drafts after I do some today, muse and energy depending. <3

Also, still insecure RP-wise, so if anyone can spare some positivity, I'd appreciate it <3

The longer version is: I have 100+ drafts and don't know when or if my muse for some of them will return. So...what I'm going to do is I'm going to go through my drafts and queue some responses. Then, when I'm done, I will go through my drafts and drop some that I don't know when the muse will return. However, me dropping a draft does NOT equal dropping the relationship/connection between our muses. It just means I no longer have inspiration for that particular interaction.

Also, I'm still feeling insecure RP-wise, and I'm trying not to worry about it too much, as that tends to make the insecurities worse. I just feel really blah tbh, and don't know what will improve these blah feelings. I keep losing mutuals, and never having a clue as to why. That, and I genuinely have threads with so many people who are no longer following and so I'm just like "to reply or not to reply? That is the question." I guess I'll just reply when I have the muse (if I have the muse) and see what happens. But it's hard.

Not gonna lie, I'm probably going to go lower activity on this blog, at least once I get my drafts to a more manageable level. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to follow me or anything, of course not. I just...do people not want to follow me? And if so, why? These are the questions that have been haunting me. And the worst part is, I'll probably never have satisfactory answers to either of these questions. So I just need to find a way of moving on.

I really don't want to dwell on this, honestly. But sometimes my insecurities get to me and I feel like I'm a bad RPer and writer and that everyone could easily replace me with someone better. Idk how to get rid of these feelings, but I want to. I don't want them to ruin my experience in the RPC.

Obviously, I can't control what others do, only what I do. And some may say "just stop overthinking it" , "don't worry about it you're fine" etcetera. But to me, the more people unfollow, the more I'm convinced that my insecurities are right. And this is NOT me saying people don't have the right to unfollow me, of course they do. Everyone has to curate their dash in the way that's best for them. I get it. I bear them no ill will, really. I just wish there was a way I could feel more secure in the mutuals and followers I do have, because I do genuinely appreciate every single one. But ever since I moved, I've been feeling this way (and before the move too). I genuinely want to move on but then....I lose another follower/mutual and the insecurities rear their ugly head again.

I guess, what I'm saying is that I just want to feel more secure in my place in the RPC. That people genuinely want to write with me, etcetera. And I don't know how that's going to happen. I don't have all the answers, as much as I wish I did.

Also, obviously there are plenty of reasons for people to unfollow that don't equal "me sucking at RPing". But because of my insecurities, I tend to assume that the worst case scenario is the truth, even if I know it's likely more complex than I'm giving it credit for. I don't know why I have these insecurities on my RP blog, as I genuinely don't care when someone unfollows my personal. I just do whatever I want on there. But somehow, I have myself convinced that if people unfollow me in the RPC, it can only mean that I'm a terrible RP partner and not...you know....1000000000000000 other things it could mean.

If anyone can spare any positive energy or thoughts my way, I would appreciate it. Truly. <3

And just know, that if we're mutuals, ILY and want to write with you and am just waiting for my drafts to get more under control if we haven't written yet. <3 But still, feel free to send memes. I'm always accepting them <3

[seraphagia]

bit of a dump. why isnt there a dump truck emoji? anyway

[moenxs]

I hope you feel better! What sort of things do you feel are rampant in the rpc? Do you think they are things that are easy to improve?

oooh boy now THIS is definitely going under a read more because the yapping i'm about to do....

Let me start off by saying a lot of things "wrong" with the rpc are easy to improve as a whole but much harder to improve individually since really a lot of this comes down to individuals and a "vocal minority" in a sense.

I think there's a lot of underlying elitism as a whole in the rpc whether its purposeful or just a byproduct of existing on this site. And a lot of this also results in a very "cliquey" vibe that stretches across every fandom. Now I'm not saying that having a friend group that you tend to prioritize a bit is bad, we all do that, i mean going out of your way to exclude people that try to extend a conversation of interacting, especially if you happen to be mutuals with them.

And I get that OOC interactions can be a little rough especially when social interactions can be hard for people, but if that's the case, then why be mutuals with someone if you're either not going to reach out first, OR interact with them at all if THEY reach out first? Idk that whole thing is just frustrating to me and I think that it's something that definitely needs to be improved on as a whole.

This next thing is just a little more personal and to some people i might sound like I'm whining but it's genuinely an issue with roleplay as a whole and not really just on tumblr.

The topic of a strange aversion to female characters, and OCs. And particularly female OCs. I talked about this with a mutual briefly earlier and they helped me feel a little better about speaking up on this. To be blunt, it still sucks to be an OC writer on tumblr, especially if it happens to be a female OC (don't even get me started on female CANONS though lmao that's a whole other convo-) and especially if you're not really "popular" within the rpc already.

I quite literally have one of my blogs on a momentary hiatus because he was getting a little too much attention. Meanwhile it was nearly crickets here at one point, and I won't lie it does hurt quite a bit. But I'm not going to blame everyone entirely, people have their preferences and that's understandable.

As someone who is a cis woman, i started out on tumblr writing female OCs, and slowly when i found myself getting more comfortable writing male OCs I also found myself getting more consistent interactions. It felt like people were actually getting excited to write with me. And younger me was loving it! I didn't even realize anything was weird as I eventually transitioned over to just writing male OCs entirely for a time. Female OCs still existed on my blog but they were collecting dust.

It wasn't until recently (post 2020 ish) that i really dived back into my female characters and it was around that that I had started to notice the trend as well. I dedicated myself to female OCs in particular and I noticed a pretty steep decline in interactions as a whole. Yea, maybe you can say it was a coincidence until I started writing a male OC again and things steadily increased once again.

Also, I dearly love interacting with other people's OCs, wholeheartedly so. But who wouldn't want to interact with a canon character as well? Other OC writers are extremely welcoming, I've rarely found someone that actively writes OCs more often than not that's not sweet as can be (there are exceptions but i won't get into that).

I've noticed though that (not all obviously but it's definitely a chunk) a decent bit of the elitism that I mentioned before comes from these canon writers. The ones that are "popular" and are actually well known in the space, while most can be just as nice, there's that "vocal minority" that can easily leave quite a bad taste in your mouth.

Like i said, it's a pretty vocal minority. Most if not all of my mutuals that write canons are absolutely not in this category. But still there are some that-

this is going to sound so bad but i promise it's not it's just that i cannot find a better way to word this-

Make me as an OC writer, idk, feel lesser? Like if i'm not one of their close friends that also happens to write an OC it feels more like it's simply an obligation to try and write with me than it is a mutual "excitement" i guess.

I don't know, it's just that even with some mutuals, there's a lack of mutuality and sometimes it makes me wonder why we're even mutuals. Maybe that's just a bit of insecurity talking but honestly at this point it's just incredibly frustrating than it is disheartening anymore.

Like, I do not care how slow you are as a writer, I would just be happy with some sort of reciprocation OOC???? I don't know if that sounds entitled, I know people have busy lives but to see people boasting about ships or plots that theyve been talking about with other people when I've been trying actively to plot with them or even just converse with them is also now more frustrating than disheartening these days lol.

ANYWAYS HAHA

yea that sure was a yap session and a half, I don't know how many of you will make it to this point but if you did thank you so much for hearing me out and hopefully I didn't really offend anyone that badly at any point LMAO

[talleslittlelion]

Things will be okay eventually

[slugass]

for the love of god why is the “war flashbacks” meme still a fucking thing to this day

(because people thrive on stereotypes about serious mental illnesses)

[berryblu-soda]

Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:

fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure

ALSO-

*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!

[across-stars]

I honestly think getting to be trained as a jedi and living at the temple would fix me

[grmpgm]

started thinking about @rockthesham’s ninja swap party au and then i couldn’t stop thinking about it

[applepies-and-starlight]

If you met a perfect miror of youself, what would be your reaction? How would you feel? Would you do anything?

(...Hm, this got a tad graphic.)

Probably initially starts off with staying out of each other's business... aaaaand then we get to the part where we start to beat each other up because I have. Many Problems. And I am damn well aware that I internalize and blame myself for 90% of the shit that's happened to me

If I could I'd cave their skull in and gnaw at their neck until I've chewed through it or slice its arms open and disembowel it or something, or they could do that to me too. It's a perfect mirror so i don't think it matters who survives this but i think that either way whoever "I" am will feel a little better

Just make sure we're isolated and there's a shower with fresh clothes because i might do a murder-suicide if my parents see me in that state and scold me about it because i'm not sure ìf i can take that type of chiding in that headspace

[soomanymoths]

CrinklyTinfoil bs

Just a collection of receipts since krys decided to go ahead and spew such backwards bs im no longer willing to keep this to myself - i only did in the first place because crinkles spouse (nightjarteeth) asked me to keep it tucked away for a while (Night is aware of the events and supports me in the situation last i checked). Crinkle really hates the idea of their behavior backfiring & someone they hurt speaking about the experience. They will do anything to discredit people, doesnt matter if they caused the sitch in the 1st place. Its all about appearances, distorting events and grasping at straws for them. If you're their reader and you choose to believe them - remember they were comfortable pulling wool over the eyes of their spouse and someone they called a "dear friend". Ask yourself why anyone else would be exempt from this. I might update this when i have more time on my hands.

[smolfrosted]

When my abuela was in school in America she was hit on the back of her hands for speaking Spanish, she didn’t know any English

She dropped out after sixth grade

Then when she had her daughters she made sure they learned English first, and only Spanish if they wanted too

My mother learned it but never taught me, cause she was taught English first, so I was too

I still can barely speak Spanish and the cultural disconnect feels horrible like it rots away at me sometimes

But at least I was always mija to her

[dragon-giggles]

cw: vent? (kinda?? ignore the tags because im yelling in there too lol)

i love how the moment i come back from a nice break from nothing bad occurring that's when irl stuff decides its going to happen

anyway as a form of comfort im reverting back to my old hanna-barbera fixation lol