#cw // vent

[thunder-opossum]

Ugh my brain is not meant to be explained. I've been trying to type something out for an hour now.

Cw for intrusive thoughts and nsfw topics plus angst

Just know I used to struggle so much with intrusive thoughts of bad things happening to me, from SA to being stabbed. (Purly fictional situations my brain would play in my head)

So thats how i come up with such miserable lore to put my ocs through. Because my brain pounded that shit into my mind. My brain was practically assaulting me. So It traumatized me so I traumatized my ocs and made my thoughts part of my characters. To cope with my brain fucking me up.

This is the reason for such things as abusive arti in sizzle au, saint in monk blog au, gore, my lack of ability to come back from the pits of hell when writing. My brain looooves thinking abt all that toxic shit. And instead of wanting it to happen to me, to my ocs and blorbos it goes bc i insert a little bit of myself into them. And hey look I don't have to think abt that stuff happening to me and feel absolutely awful about it!

I don't want to enjoy writing and drawing this stuff. It makes me feel gross about myself. That's another big reason why I back pedealed on monk blog. I enjoyed writing saint. But I saw how much other people hated him and i fundemently understood it was bad and told myself "what the fuck are you doing, your sick."

I was so ashamed of my enjoyment. "How could you like this, you're gross." "If people knew you liked writing this you would be ruined." But I wanted to be ruined. But as soon as shit started hitting the fan, I cursed myself and the adrenaline i felt from the accusations of my brain turned into anxiety and regret and shame.

Im tired, and i hate myself so much. I feel like an awful person, and im too ashamed to explain it. So posting this might be another back pedal measure. Idk.

Sorry if you uhhhh,,, idk. Sorry if I disappointed you or horrified you

[12thgrave]

“your trauma doesn’t define you” no actually it does. it dictates every aspect of my shitty life.

[hello-friends9500]

[buriedasylum]

being alive is just so exhausting

[borderlinejessie]

I'm the kind of heavy nobody wants to carry.

[wh0r3zzz]

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

[hexcii]

Awgh

Idk my PTSD and survivors guilt have been killing me these past few weeks

Oh if only I had two robot jesters to hold me through it </33

[theheavenlybat]

Tw self harm

I can’t even cut myself right. It’s never deep enough, doesn’t hurt enough, doesn’t bleed enough. I cut to release frustration, but lately it’s only making me more frustrated.

[me-beef]

sorry folks January hit me like a mallet to the gut B(

always terrified of what other people are thinking of me. but also always feeling guilty and ashamed of how self-absorbed my mental illness makes me

have to keep reminding myself I’m a normal person with flaws and I’m not ruining everyone’s lives just by existing

[vent1ngacc]

It’s not working…

[12thgrave]

i think i was destined to be ruined. i think i’ll always be fucked up.

[theangryman]

One person was banned almost immediately.

The other person was not banned until they made another post revealing that they were posting videos of their partner.

One person was harassed and bullied and told that they were lying.

One person was given advice, told about how they could improve their situation.

This is why kink is not safe. There is more compassion and kindness for someone who admits to wanting to kick their partner in the face than there is for someone who has received that treatment.

[buriedasylum]

What if they secretly hate me and are forced to hangout with me just so I don’t kms

[borderlinejessie]

I want love but I don't want to have to beg for it. Please love me too. Please acknowledge me. It's like you don't want me here anymore...are you better off without me? Is everyone better off without me?...

[panther-os]

"lxc ruined the scene by randomly playing the flute"

in the very next scene, lwj leaves mid-conversation to play his guqin because he's feeling too many emotions, I think it's fair to assume this is a standard lan brother coping mechanism - probably one of the few that are lqr-approved

self-soothing after talking about childhood trauma is a normal, reasonable response and characters being more human does not detract from the story

[evil-sunny-sourzii]

When you feel lonely but you're not alone is such a weird feeling

I have a lot of friends and people who care about me

I thought the loneliness was supposed to go away when I'm not alone