#cuz it's 1 am and my eyes hurt like hell

[inhonoredglory]

Hey, I reaaally love all your meta analysis, especially the one on Aziraphale's morality. You truely have a wonderful writing style! And you expressed the feelings I had about the S2 finale I couldn't put into words and had me in tears again. I never really believed in the coffee theory (although a part of me hoped for it since it would be way less painful). But there is one thing I can't wrap my head around. The coffee theory is partly supported by the final scene of Aziraphale in the elevator and his creepy smile. Even when he looks forward to his new position and is convinced he does the right thing, I can't believe he wouldn't smile like that (and Michael Sheen is to talented for it being am accident). He still lost his soulmate Crowley, he still had to give up the life he loved so dearly and we know how much he struggled with that in the first place talking to Metatron. So why this smile, which aside from that, really did not look like him? I fear, that his memories were wiped out in this elevator. But since you have so a great understanding of Aziraphale's character, I would like to know your theories about that? Thanks a lot!!

(In response to my meta on why Aziraphale had to go to Heaven)

Thank you so much for your kind words, @sabotage-on-mercury (truly means the world to me). Honestly, the creepy smile was one part of the ending I couldn't quite put my finger on either, until someone pointed out on a Twitter response to my meta:

The reason why its scary is bc azi is becoming properly angry at the system and is 101% determined to set things right (Source)

In season 1, Aziraphale was determined not to kill anyone to stop the Apocalypse. He wouldn't even tell Crowley where the Antichrist was, because Crowley's only solution was to kill him.

And because Crowley consistently didn't have any ideas ("not one single better idea??"), Aziraphale took it on himself to pursue the only option left––to ask God to intervene and stop both Heaven and Hell from destroying Earth. Therefore, Aziraphale had to keep the integrity of his angel status by distancing himself from Crowley, while the world was still in danger.

Despite this dedication avoid bloodshed, when God didn't have an answer, Aziraphale went against one of his core beliefs to help save the world. He was willing to murder a child.

For Aziraphale, that takes guts. And (seeing how he reacted at the end of the Job minisode), I wonder that if he had killed Adam Young, Aziraphale would have checked himself into Hell.

Going to Heaven for Aziraphale is ultimately a conscious choice, one that he is clearly afraid of. We see him constantly steeling himself again the Metatron in the end, covering his fear and hurt from losing Crowley with a placid smile and a flippant attitude. He's wearing so many masks, to Crowley, to himself, to the Metatron...

All season we've seen him playing roles (detective, magician, doctor, landlord). But the final role is warrior. Going up that elevator, we first see Aziraphale's eyes searching, worried, panicking, but unable to show it because he's not in a safe space. He swallows, blinks, he's breathing hard (you can see his entire shoulders rise and fall).

But as he goes up, his expression steels. He's quite literally putting on a mask (to himself): a vengeful, hardened expression of pure anger and rage (to drown out the fear and uncertainty he so clearly still has).

Michael Sheen conveying contained anger in both Good Omens and Masters of Sex (gif by @julielilac)

Cuz this isn't just him scrambling to kill a kid, this is him walking calmly and knowingly into sacrificing everything he loves most (Crowley, the bookshop, his entire life on earth) to create a world that will always be safe for him and Crowley and humanity for the rest of time. Where he would have to go up against the most powerful angels, the Metatron, and God Themself to change things. He can't be the kind, sweet angel he was on Earth. That won't cut it in Heaven if he wants to make a difference in any real way.

He wanted to do it with Crowley, with the love and support and strength of his demon. But without him, Aziraphale has to channel something else to keep his resolve afloat.

Something he had when he was a warrior, fighting on the front lines of a battle between Heaven and Hell, when he very likely led a platoon into divine fields of bloodshed before the earth was born. When he was an avenging angel.

I haven’t done this since the Great War.

It was a time and an identity he had chosen to leave behind, because it wasn't the kind of angel he was anymore ("I'm not fighting in any war!"). In this context, you can read Aziraphale's passionate unwillingness to take a life (his pacifism) directly into his past experience as a warrior. It is often the veterans of terrible wars who are the most earnest advocates for peace. (And especially in Britain and Europe, where the violence of the world wars is still such a powerful and painful national memory.)

As he goes up the elevator, he's breathing so hard we can hear it mirrored in the soundtrack, and he is so hyperfocused on steeling himself that he doesn't even care that the Metatron is watching him. He doesn't rest until he's psyched himself into that warrior mindset necessary to carry out this mission entirely by himself, to be both the moral advocate and the uncompromising leader of angels who had intimidated him his entire life. To demand respect and to talk to the very face of God and tell Them they are Wrong.

(Please read this Neil-approved meta for further thoughts on God and Aziraphale.)

That creepy smile is clearly not there because Aziraphale is happy to fall into a toxic parent's false love. There's no comfort or wistful nostalgia in that face. There's no "it'll be so much nicer" in that smile. It's not a happy smile. It's an I'm-gonna-fuck-shit-up smile.

Because it's a warrior's smile before they go into battle, before they put on that armor and, for a while, become something they're not in the name of some greater good. He's fucking furious and it's downright frightening.

Because I have no doubt that the angel Aziraphale we get in Season 3 is the angel Aziraphale who can say this:

He's not there yet in the TV show. But this bravery, this anger, this flaming rage is how it starts.

Or as he's described in the book when Aziraphale mysteriously does away with the local mafia:

Just because you’re an angel doesn’t mean you have to be a fool.

[thedeadedhooman]

Favourite supernatural ship/s

thanks for the ask anon<3

samjess is my favourite I guess. it's tragic and sad and beautiful. It always makes me upset and I end up in a puddle of tears. It hurts my brain and heart. It's like a stabbing pain in the gut. what gets me is that even after such a long time, sam could never actually let go of jessica I think. I mean what am I supposed to feel after the i still think about jessica. he was shopping for rings, and he proposed to a ghost, to his past. a nice sweet normal figment of his life, that he held on to for a while until tragedy struck. sam probably doesn't even have any photos of jessica, they were all burnt in the fire. he probably had that voicemail that she sent when he went with dean to hunt the woman in white. which probably got deleted when they had to switch phones or simcards cuz of their shitty lifestyle. she's only a memory to him...fuck

sastiel cuz I love their autistic swag. of course there are moments that make me mad like cas breaking sam's wall but cas also took sam's pain. sam and castiel are so soft and tender with each other. I just know the sex would've been a galaxy brain moment.

samruby because they're toxic af but they truly loved each other at some point. they would've worshipped each other I think. it's bout the roles and the dynamics, there's also a lot of manipulation and betrayal going on and that adds to the more complex elements regarding the pairing. also the soft tender way ruby tries to cajole sam into believing that what he did was right scratches at my brain because she too sacrificed a lot to be the one who catalysed the whole thing. they could've ruled hell together. and their whole sex scene is like two lesbians fucking each other.

deanlisa because dean had a bit of normalcy and a cute son. dean and lisa made a cute pairing I think. he got to be a dad for a little while I guess. It's sad and tragic cuz when cas wiped Lisa and Ben's memories, it really hurt. Like you build this little family and they gave you something to hold on to for a while when you missed your brother and then have all of that taken away from you PERMANENTLY. that shit is sad af.

sambrady because I KNOW WHAT THEY HAD GOING ON. demon lover brady my beloved. I know they fucked. cuz brady is a demon and he died.

samsarah. they are so cute. and honestly out of all the partners sam had in the show I think sarah blake would have been perfect for sam imo. she wanted to help them during the hunt. she's a tough girl. they kiss for the first and the last time and she hopes that sam would visit again. she keeps waiting and waiting and waiting, days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into years and then one day she gets married has a kid and that tall floofy haired boy with the puppy dog eyes turns up at her doorstep. she has moved on obviously but at what cost? she died cuz of the very man she waited for so long. and oh sammy. the only reason why he didn't go back was that he knew it was dangerous for her. later he had to go to her to save her but again at what cost? sarah still died and she had a husband and a kid...

wincest. do I need to even say anything? I mean where do I even start? It's not like I want them to fuck each other but it's the codependency. there's a lot going on with these two that can't be seen with the naked eyes. it's the subtext, the yearning, the longing looks, the roles...how dean can't function without sam, he's afraid to be alone, how sam loses it when dean is gone, the need to be the no. 1 person on their priority list, and the fact that they're canonical soulmates. yeah they're weird and that's what I like about it. sam and dean winchester are psychotically, irrationally, erotically codependent on each other.

sammadison how could I not mention this one. THIS IS MY FAVOURITE AS WELL. I mean it's so fucking tragic. like you think you saved the girl but for what? it didn't work and it's gonna happen again and there's no cure and you two share these tender moments of intimacy thinking everything's gonna be okay only to be met with the opposite. you gave her hope and now it's being taken away..it's never gonna be okay and she asks you to kill her. whatthefuck. now you slowly see yourself in her, what if I become a monster and there's no way back and what if someone I love so much has to put me down like a sick dog. GOSH. I cried while watching that episode.

I also like samwena and saileen and megstiel but I haven't watched the later seasons that well so can't say much.

[littlespacereader]

Hello again, Clara!!

So, I just read this and this story of your's and I'm physically unable to stop thinking about them..

Since they are both part of the same universe and connect to each other, I have questions and a request!!

The questions:

Does Sam know about Dean's Regression?

And if so, how did he found out & how did he take it?

Did he judge him/ acted weirded out at first, not understanding "what's the point", or did he understand it right away? (Personally I like option one, cuz it's realistic, but it can also be upsetting to read/ write)

Was he already familiar with the concept? Maybe because he regresses himself or had a partner that did?

Does he sometimes take care of little Dean & enjoys to be the "big brother"?

If he regresses himself, do Dean and him have playdates?

Weather he does already know or not, the request stays the same;

Tell us how he finds out & how he reacts!!

Please and thank you!! <3

~ ฅ⁠|°▿▿▿▿°|ฅ

The second part is here!! I apologize for it taking so long but I really wanted to be 100% happy with it and I really am! It’s mostly told from Sam perspective because part 1 was mostly from Dean’s. I hope this chapter answered a bunch of the questions you had listed above! I can’t wait for you to read the second part! Please enjoy! Love you always @dino-boyo-agere (platonicly of course💞)

Protection from Heaven and Hell (Part 2)

Little! Dean Winchester & Caregiver!Castiel, with Little! Sam Winchester & Caregiver! ??

Tags - accidents, pull-ups, diapers, hurt/comfort, Sam is the oldest when regressed, protective older brother Sam, new family dynamic

TW - supernatural typical violence (kidnapping, killing) and mention of demons and ghost, mentions of hell, heaven and ghost

Nickname - Papa for ??, Dadee for Castiel, little moose, squirrel, little boy, ‘ammy, little squirrel.

Click here for Part 1! Other stories in my Supernatural series are: here and here :)

Sam started to wake up in bits and pieces. He blinked and whined. He didn’t want to wake up, he wanted to go back to sleep with his moose stuffie. Why was Papa waking him up? It just wasn’t fair!

But then everything started to hit him, the realization of what had happened. Memories stared to flowed back to him as began to wake up. What happened again?

Dean was distracting the older lady while he slipped away into the back area to see what was going on. There were weird ingredients, strange object and even blood. It has all the makings of a witch’s spot. But scariest of all, they had photos of Dean and Sam. They had been watching and following them.

Sam quickly realized this was a trap. He started to back up and turn to go find Dean when he ran into an older man. “Awww son, are you lost?”

The man blew a sort of dusty into Sam’s face before he had time to react. He cough and cough, then suddenly started regressing like crazy. No! No he couldn’t! He can’t regress now, he needed to get his brother and get out of there.

He pushed past the man but didn’t make it far. He could hear Dean calling for him in the distance but he couldn’t make it to him in time. He fell to the ground, the sound of Dean’s voice falling into the distance. His eyes closed and he fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of his stuffie, of his Caregiver…

Sam pushed himself to open his eyes and wake up. Memories of what happened had his heart racing. What happened while they were asleep? What had the witches done to then?

He was in what looked like a basement. One of his wrist chained to the wall and the other was free.

Sam could feel himself still regressed. He felt anxious at the idea of being stuck in his headspace and in danger. He wasn’t thinking like a hunter, he was thinking like a little kid. He was scared of what that meant for him and his brother.

Speaking of his brother, he looked to Dean who laid unconscious across from him. Suddenly he felt felt an overwhelming need to protect his brother.

Dean slept peacefully across the room from Sam. One wrist chained similarly to his own, but with his free hand he had his thumb in his mouth as he slept.

This wasn’t the first time Sam had seen his brother doing this, the first was this morning before he left. He had figured it was just the way he was sleeping. But now…now he didn’t think he knew as much as he thought he did.

He never would’ve thought in a million years that Dean would ever understand his need for regression. It killed him not to tell his older brother who, in many respects, was like a Caregiver to him. But never would he have thought Dean would be a Regressor like himself!

Was it really possible?

He was hit with the same dust that made him regress and faint. And Dean…Dean must’ve been hit by the same thing. He had to be, he just had to!

If he is a Regressor, then Sam is definitely older headspace wise than him, if the thumb in his mouth is anything to go by.

Ha! Who’s the little brother now?

Plus thinking about it, Dean was being weird about his relationship with Cas…WAIT! Could Cas be his Caregiver too?!

The thought brought a small smile to Sam’s face. He wasn’t alone! Plus now he has a second Caregiver now to regress with too! And his Caregiver knows Castiel…but they don’t have the greatest of relationships to one another…

Now thinking about it…he wasn’t sure how good of a reveal it would be for Castiel to see Sam’s Caregiver.

Speaking of him, maybe he could get him and Dean out of this mess. He said only to call upon him if it was an absolute emergency. And it wasn’t an emergency yet…or at least Sam didn’t think it was…

Maybe he could impress Papa and get out of this without his help! Then he would be so proud that he was able to save his brother from the witches while the both of them are regressed!

Sam listened quietly to the sounds of the witches moving about upstairs. What were they planning? What did they want with two hunter?

Okay, okay, first thing first! They have to get out of these chains…somehow.

Sam started to look around the floor for anything he could find to break this lock. The basement was mostly empty. One set of stairs lead to the house, there was a washer and dryer, and there was a light coming from somewhere but it was out of view from him.

While Sam started looking around he heard Dean shift and whine in his sleep before relaxing once again. He lifted his head up and looked to his brother. Maybe he could help!

He was about to yell for Dean to wake up but that’s when he noticed Dean’s jeans getting darker and darker. Oh no.

Memories flashed back to when they were kid. John screaming at Dean about his bed wetting when no doubt he was the cause of it. Dean was always sadly plagued with nightmares which always resulted in wetting the bed. Now, with a regressed Dean, it must’ve came back to him.

Sam shifted himself. He didn’t have to go potty but he couldn’t tell most of the time. Usually he would just be playing and it would hit him out of no where that he would have to go. He really didn’t have control over it.

It happened again last night in the hotel room. Dean wasn’t taking super long but he really couldn’t hold it any longer so he rushed and pushed Dean out of the bathroom. Thankfully he didn’t wet his pants completely but he was close to it, too close.

He called his Caregiver the next day and he suggest going out and getting some pull-up…just incase. It wouldn’t hold a full accident but it would give him enough time to find a bathroom and go to one without fearing an accident. So Sam did, tucking his shirt in and hiding the padding under his suit pants for today case.

Now, in this gross and scary basement, thankfully his padding was still dry. But for how long? His heart started to pick up speed. Maybe Sam’s hero plan wasn’t so good after all. Sam pulled his arms against the chain. He was stuck. There was no way he was getting out of it.

Dean whined again getting Sam’s attention. He stretched his legs out and pulls his hand that was chained…but it didn’t move anywhere.

Suddenly Dean jumped awake, startled by a nightmare. He gasped and tried to catch his breath as tears fell from his eyes. He immediately spotted Sam, his eyes locking onto his. He went to stand up and go over to him when he pulled against his arm, locked to the wall.

He looked at the chain confused, but then he must’ve felt the cold wetness around him. He looked down and just froze. His lip trembling as he stared down at his accident. A sob escaped his lips.

Sam’s heart broke for him. Having had accidents himself, he knew what Dean must’ve been feeling. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay Dean! It’s alright! You didn’t know.” He tried to say.

Dean lifted his red rimmed eyes and shook his head, “It-It isn’t okay! I….I didn’t mean to…It’s not what it looks like Sam! I swear it isn’t!” He started to yell.

Sam right away shushed his brother, both out of fear of being heard and out of genuine worry. “It’s okay! I promise it��s all okay. Just an accident right?”

“Yeah,” Dean said in a voice so small and broken, “They…They must’ve done something to me that did it.” He tried to argue.

Sam was not about to disagree and debate that in this dark and dangerous basement. Right now they needed a plan and they needed to work together.

“Totally, yeah, now listen Dean. I have a plan. The witches are still upstairs which is good for us. We gotta find a way to get out of these chains and out of this basement before they come down here. Now what do you see from your side of the room?”

Dean looked at his brother intently as he explained everything. He looked around but didn’t see much of anything. “There’s a…a bucket…a table…a hook on the wall…a door…”

“The door! Tell me about the door!”

“It has some stairs going up to it, a railing to hold on to. Oh! And it has a window on the door.”

That’s where the light was coming from! “What does it look like through the window?”

“It looks like the outside.”

“Great Dean! That’s going to be our escape door!” Sam smiled. Dean smiled too, happy to be helping.

“Now all we need is to find a way to get out of these chains. Do you see anything around you on the ground that would pick a lock?”

Dean looked around on the ground, but he shook his head after a while. Suddenly upstairs there was a loud bang that made the two jump. Dean looked at Sam worried.

“ ‘ammy?” He asked his brother with the plan.

“It’s okay, I’m sure it’s just-.”

The opposite door swung open and the two witches entered, walking down the stairs to the basement. Both of the Winchesters backed up with their back against the wall, trying to put as much distance between them.

Both of the witches entered the room, big grins on their faces. The two entered the basement wearing outfits straight out of the 1950’s. When they saw the two boys, they gave one big awwwww!

“Good morning my sweet boys.” The woman said with a pleasant chipper voice. “I’m sorry to have to keep you down here all chained up and such. But until we can trust you, this is the way it will have to be.”

“What do you want with us?” Sam said, trying to sound big and brave and not at all worried.

“Son, we just want a family of our own. And you boys are just the perfect two Littles anyone could ask for.” The man explained.

Sam and Dean immediately locked eyes with one another. They both had the same expression. They’re “big” secret reveal to the other. But wait, why was the other one just as shocked? Holy shit.

They share a look of both shock and a small bit of relief. Their “big” secret didn’t feel they big in the moment. But now wasn’t the time to go “HA! I knew it!” Or “You’re a Little too?!” Now was the time to get the hell out of there!

“What? Haven’t you ever heard of adoption?” Now Sam was confused.

“Yeah!” Dean added helping his brother out.

“Of course we have!” The woman snapped back. Sam and Dean jumped to the sudden yelling. The woman right away noticed this and tried to cool herself down again.

“You see, we tried every route to have a perfect family of our own but it just didn’t work. Till finally we came across this beautiful community of people online who regressed into the perfect Little children. Then we thought to ourselves how perfect it would be to find someone like this!” The man began to explain.

“So I created a simple yet effective dust that would cause any person to start regressing. But instead…people started dying. Unfortunately really. Some ended up in the hospital, others like that bickering couple ended up dead. But oh they would’ve been lovely Littles.” The woman recalled.

“We thought our chances were over until we met you boys. Two regressors without even needing a thing of that dust!”

“I spotted you boys in the library. You could barley keep your eyes open as you researched away.” The woman giggled.

“And I followed Sammy here to the grocery store where you bought the pull-ups. Poor boy is old enough to not need a bottle or diapers but not too old enough to out grow accidents. Am I right?” The man said, in a sort of chipper attitude as if he was talking about Sam like he was some little toddler who didn’t know any better.

Tears stung Sam eyes as he tried not to let the confession bother him. “I did not!” He yelled. But he just sounded more Little by the second with a classic response like that.

“Yeah he did not! And we’re not Littles!” Dean yelled after seeing the man upset his brother. Didn’t matter to him whether it was true or not. It only matter that he upset his brother.

“Awwww. I’m sorry dear but I know you boys are. You see, if you weren’t my dust would’ve put you both in comas or six feet under. But instead it worked perfectly. You immediately started to regress then fall into a deep sleep.”

She started to step towards Dean as the man started to step towards Sam. Dean crossed his legs and hoped she couldn’t notice the accident. But sadly that’s exactly what she did.

“See? My dust has been working brilliantly on you boys. Did my poor baby have an accident while he was sleep?”

Dean shook his head as test began to fall from his eyes. “No! No! You did this!”

“Sweet pea my dust only brings out your own regression. You must be so young aren’t you?”

Sam watched as Dean shook his head when she went to wipe his tears away. But he had his own issues. The man kneeled down beside him now and began touching his hair. Sam jumped and tried to push him away with his unchained arm.

“Your hair is much too long for someone as young as you. We’re definitely going to have to cut it.” He said with a stupid 50’s mentality of short hair being best.

Sam shook his head, “No! It’s my hair!” He yelled. But the man just shook his head back at Sam.

Before Sam could yell something else out he felt a sudden warmth. Suddenly his pull-up started to leak, darkening his pants. When did he start going? He didn’t even have to a minute ago?

Now it was Sam’s turn for tears. The man started saying something to him but he just zoned out. Too upset, too Little to really be concerned.

He looked to his brother who was just as miserable and uncomfortable as he was at the moment. They had to get out of there and there was no way they were going to be able to do it regressed. There one only one person Sam wanted more than anyone in this world, one person who could make this right…

“PAPA!!” He yelled, “PAPA HELP!” He cried out.

~~~

There was no wings, no sound as all. But suddenly a man just appeared in the basement with the four of them. Sam looked up as Crowley grabbed the man kneeling in front of him. He stood him up before stabbing him square in the chest.

Dean copied off of Sam when he heard him call out for help, “Cas! Dadee! Help!” Dean cried, lowering his head as fresh tears started to fall.

This time there was a faint sound of wings when Castiel arrived. He grabbed the woman, spun her around and stabbed her with his Angel blade.

With the two witches dead the boys were finally safe, and with their safety came the sudden realization of a few new things.

Castiel took in the scene and marched over to Crowley, putting his Angel blade to his throat, “You did this! You tried to kill them!” After all whose mother was a witch? Crowley’s mom Rowena. It made perfect sense.

But before Crowley could even mutter two words of an explanation Sam screamed out for him. “NO! CAS! HE’S MY PAPA!! Papa! Help! Please!” Sam continued to cry.

Castiel paused for a moment hand still gripped onto Crowley’s jacket collar. He looked from Sam to Crowley before it clicked in. Wait, Sam is a Regressor like his little boy?

Crowley just rolled his eyes, “Can I go see my boy or are you still planning on stabbing me?” He asked with his usual sarcasm.

Castiel lowered his Angel blade and allowed Crowley to go see Sam, after all he had his own Little to worry about right now anyway. “Grab Sam and I’ll bring us all back to the Bunker.”

“Can I get pass the warding?”

“You should if I bring you.” Cas said matter of fact like usual. Crowley rolled his eyes to the Angel before turning back to Sam.

Crowley was a hard person to hurt, but his heart broke when he saw his Little. Tears streamed down his face, his pant were slightly wet, and his wrist that was chained was red and worn from pulling on it. One hand reached out desperately for him.

“My little moose,” he said with a sigh. He hated seeing his boy so upset. He snapped his fingers and the chain around his wrist disappeared.

“Papa!” Sam couldn’t help the tears that kept flowing down from his eyes. He immediately stood up once freed and hugged his Caregiver tightly.

“It’s okay, you’re okay Sam. I’ve got you, I’m here.” He said as he swayed Sam who was holding onto him for dear life.

They’ve learned over the last couple of months of being Caregiver and Little how Crowley could perfectly hug Sam’s 6’4” self with his Little’s head resting on his shoulder.

“I tried Papa…tried to be big…” Sam lifted his head and used the back of his sleeve to wipe his tears away. “But the witches did something to Dean and I. It made us regress and we can’t…unregress.”

But speaking of his brother…

Sam looked over to see Dean in a similar state to himself. He hid his face in Castiel’s shoulder, holding onto the Angel like his life depended on it.

“That’s alright. I’m sure Cas can undo the spell or whatever they did to you and your brother. If not we can always call Grandma. I’m sure she’d be happy to help her favorite grandchild.” Crowley smirked causing Sam’s spirits to lighten slightly.

“I’m her only grandchild.”

“Doesn’t mean you’re not her favorite!”

Sam shook his head and tried to hide the small smile on his face. Papa was so silly sometimes. Even in the worst of situations he always made Sam feel better.

Crowley took Sam hand before walking over Cas and Dean. Dean was holding onto Castiel’s arms. His eyes were casted downward, but occasionally he would look between his brother and Crowley.

“Ready?” Cas asked. Crowley looked to Sam to make sure he was okay before he nodded to Cas.

~~~

In the blink of an eye all four were back in the bunker, safe and sound.

“Cas,” Crowley stopped him. “This isn’t their normal regression. The boys were poison with some sort of dust they made them regress.”

Castiel looked at Crowley confused. His eyes shifted back to Dean who confirmed what he was saying with a silent nod.

“Can’t you do some of your Angel magic and get it out of the boys?”

“I don’t know if it will work but it’s worth a try.”

Castiel places a hand on Dean then on Sam. The boys looked at each other worried before Castiel’s hands started to glow. Suddenly the two started cough and out came the witch’s dust they inhaled.

“There you are, better?” Cas asked Dean who just nodded.

“How do you feel?” Crowley asked Sam.

“I feel…better. Not overwhelmingly regressed anymore but…not too big either.” He sheepishly said.

Crowley hummed as he took in his boy. He definitely needed a change and some comfort before anything else was to be done.

“Cassie? I’m going to take my boy to get change.” Crowley announced making Sam blush.

“Don’t be too long. I want to talk to you about all this.” Cas replied with a glare.

Again Crowley just rolled his eyes before taking Sam hand in his own, “Why don’t you show me to your room?”

Sam nodded and led the way down the halls of the bunker to his room. Crowley had never been in the bunker before this, with the heavy amount of warding and the secrecy. So he was a bit curious to his little ones room.

Sam opened the door and led Crowley into his room. Inside his bag from the hotel had magically appeared (probably thanks to Castiel) along with all his supplies. But other than that you would never guess he was a Regressor at all.

Crowley stood my the door and admired the room. It was a bit plain but then again Sam, like Dean, had been hiding his regression. But now with Dean also being a regressor maybe there was a chance for the both of them to be more open about it now.

Sam didn’t really say a word, he just grabbed a box under his bed and pulled his moose stuffie from inside it. He brought the moose close and just hugged it. With a shuttered breath in and out, he looked up at Crowley with tears in his eyes.

It was as if everything was starting to hit him now that he was back in the safety of his own room with his stuffie and his Papa.

“There, there my little moose. It’s all over now. You’re safe with Papa.”

Crowley crossed the room and sat on his bed. He held Sam’s hand and urged him to sit down beside him. But Sam just shook his head no.

“I wasn’t good Papa.”

“Darling, you were no such thing.”

“No! I was bad! I didn’t save Dean! I had an accident! And I couldn’t even get my hand free. I’m bad. Bad hunter and a bad brother.” Sam cried.

Crowley leaned forward and took one of Sam’s hand into his own. “Sam, I want you to look at me for a moment darling.”

After a moment Sam lifted his tear stained eyes to meet Crowley’s.

“None of this is your fault. You did not plan on getting kidnapped, you did not plan on having an accident and you did not plan on Dean getting involved in all of this either. Everything that happened today was out of your control and isn’t your fault.”

His words started to sink into Sam, who was starting to process it all. After another moment Sam spoke up again, “But…now Dean knows.”

“Yes…but you also know about his regression as well. Which I’ve always saw coming.”

“No you didn’t!”

“Yes I did, clear as day. But the point is, you boy aren’t so different as you think you are from one another. You’re both in the same boat and you both know that boat well. Maybe in some strange way, this was all meant to be.”

Now that, that really started to hit Sam. Maybe it was meant to be. He was so tired of hiding, maybe this was the opportunity for the two to Regress in peace and maybe even regress with one another.

“Now, I say we get you change, have a little cuddle and then go see Cas and Dean. I’m sure Dean is just as worried about you as you are about him.”

Sam nodded and followed as Crowley helped him to the bathroom to get changed. But all that kept playing in his head was what he was going to say to his brother.

~~~

Hand in hand Crowley and Sam walked back to the main part of the bunker. Sam, now I’m a plaid shirt, some pajama pants and another pull up, looked around anxiously for his brother. But when they arrived there was no one around.

“Wow,” Crowley said sarcastically, “So much for hurry up because ‘I want to talk to you about all this!’ ” Crowley said trying to do his best Castiel impression towards the end.

“I do want to talk to you about all this.” Castiel appeared with Dean at his side, now changed into some plaid and pjs as well. “I don’t believe you didn’t have a part in this.”

“Well you’re going to be very shocked.” Crowley said with his usual sarcasm.

Crowley looked to Sam who was fidgeting nervously, “You going to be okay for a minute while I talk to Cas?”

“Y-Yeah. Yeah of course. I just…I really want to talk to Dean.”

Crowley looked at Sam unsure but understood that he needed this time with his brother alone, and he respected that.

“Alright,” He patted his back.

Castiel looked to Dean, “If you need me just call okay?” He said to Dean getting a small nod.

After that Castiel and Crowley walked down the hallway of the bunker to go talk, leaving Dean and Sam alone together.

~~~

Sam had it all planned out in his head. He had this long winded speech he was going to say to Dean explaining everything that happened and about his regression and more.

“Dean, so you see-.”

But he didn’t even get more than four words in before his brother crossed the room and hugged him tightly. Sam, for a moment, just froze. The hug was unexpected but not unwelcomed.

Sam wrapped his arms around him and hugged his brother back. For a moment the two just stayed like that, hugging one another tightly.

After a moment Dean spoke up, “I’m so sorry Sammy.”

Sam shook his head, still hugging his brother tightly, “There’s nothing to apologize for. Neither one of us did anything wrong.” He said taking Crowley’s advice.

The two broke apart from their hug, and when they did they weren’t the adult badass hunters they always portrayed themselves to be. In this moment they were just two Littles. Not quite regressed but very vulnerable still.

“Let’s have a seat and talk about all this.” Dean joked, waving his hand in front of the two of them. Sam chuckled and followed his lead, sitting at one of the table across from his brother.

“So…um…when did you start…or I mean when did you-.”

“Right after you left for college.” Dean quickly explained. “I didn’t really have a name for it back then. All I knew was that nothing else but this was helping. No amount of alcohol, sex or anything could calm me down like regression could.”

“Yeah, same here.” Sam nodded among.

“Really?”

“Yeah I started when I was in college. Jess is actually the one who suggested it to me. I regressed with her whenever I was stressed out from finals or whatever. Then after you came back I sort of put regression on hold.”

“Yeah, I’ve been putting it on hold too. I never had anyone to look after me whenever I did regress. But eventually Cas talked to me about it.” Dean’s face started to turn red with a slight blush. “So I regress with him. He’s my Caregiver.” Dean said a bit shy.

“Yeah, I figured.” Sam sat back with a smirk.

“Hey!” Dean laughed back, “What about you? You really regress with Crowley? Really? Crowley?” Dean looked confused.

“Yeah,” now it was Sam’s turn blush. “It’s actually a funny story. You remember when I went on that hunt a while back? You stayed back in the bunker and I went solo.”

“Yeah I remember.”

“It wasn’t a ghost issue, it was a demon issue. Crowley was involved with it which I didn’t know at the time. To make a long story short since I was alone and badly hurt. One of them grabbed me and hit my head against the wall. I saw stars. Just before I passed out I saw Crowley and a separate group of demons start attacking the ones that hurt me. Next thing I know I woke up in hell.”

“In hell?! Why did you tell me about all of this?!!”

“Because I didn’t want you to know about my regression and there was no real way of telling the story without it.” Sam explained.

Before Dean could protest, Sam continued on, “When I woke up in hell I was in some sort of mansion type section. It was Crowley’s home in hell. The only problem? I woke up regressed. Crowley took care of me. He was confused at first but then he sort of figured it out. He wasn’t the way he normal is…he was kinder, gentle. If I wasn’t there I wouldn’t have believed it myself.”

“But the point is,” Sam continued, “I haven’t felt truly safe and comfortable like that in a long time. After I came out of my regression I was angry and shy about the whole thing. But instead of making fun of me or telling everyone about it, he was just as kind as he was to…little me. So I became his Little, going on “solo hunts” which were really just excuse to go and see him and Rowena.”

Dean smiled, “Rowena too?”

“Yeah surprisingly her too. She really like to take care of me. I’m sure she’d love you too.” Sam smiled as well.

“I’m happy for you Sammy. You deserve someone who will take good care of you.”

“Thanks. You deserve that too Dean. After all you need much more care than me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean crossed his arms. It was becoming evident that the two weren’t as big was they were a moment prior.

“You’re much younger than me headspace wise. So now I’m the older brother.”

“Nu un!”

“Yeah un!”

“How am I younger than you? You have accidents just like I do!”

“For starters I wear pull-ups. Do you?” Sam asked but Dean didn’t answer, he just turned his head away as a blush creeped onto his face.

“And second of all I don’t suck my thumb. So that makes me the oldest! So…I’ll watch out for you just like you always did for me.”

Dean looked back over to his brother with a hopeful expression, “You don’t have to-.”

“No no no, I want to. I’ve always wanted to but you’ve always looked out for me. Now I get the opportunity to look out for you.” Sam smiled again.

“But also you have to do what I say because I’m the oldest.” Sam quickly said.

Dean rolled his eyes, “That’s not how it works.”

“That’s definitely how it works.”

“What if I don’t listen?”

“Then I’ll tell Castiel.” Sam crossed his arms.

Dean gasped, “You wouldn’t!”

“Try me baby bro.” Sam smirked.

“That’s cruel…even for you.” Dean chuckled.

“So umm…” Dean began to say, “Do you have any toys or a stuffie or…”

“Yeah! Yeah, Papa got me this moose stuffie and it’s my favorite! Mabel goes with me everywhere!” Sam stood up and Dean followed.

“I have a stuffie too! Actually I have two because they’re married dogs. Ones name is Ozzie and the others name is Sharon.”

“That’s so awesome! We gotta introduce them to one another!”

“Yeah! Let’s go!”

And so the two Littles took off down the hallway of the bunker towards their respective rooms.

~~~

“Whether you like it or not it’s the truth Cassie. Promise. Sam is my Little and has been for months now. If I wanted to harm the boy I would’ve had the opportunity to do it plenty of times but I would never. I know this might be a shock to you, but I actually care about him a lot, both regressed and not regressed.”

Castiel nodded his head, finally able to see past the cockiness Crowley usually retained.

“And since your little squirrel is a Little too, that makes us co-parents to the Winchesters.” Crowley smirked. Castiel rolled his eyes.

“How old is Sam’s headspace?” Castiel asked.

“Oh he’s somewhere between…” Crowley started to trail off.

“Somewhere between?” Castiel looked at Crowley confused to why he was trailing off.

“Well he’s older than Dean but not by much,” Crowley started to say but he trailed off again, his mind was elsewhere.

“Listen.”

Castiel paused for a moment and listened but he was silent. “Listen to what?”

“Exactly. Two Littles were talking to one another and now they’re both silent?” Crowley raised an eye brow.

The two sat for a moment and listened to the silence before they both, in unison, jumped up from where they were sitting in the kitchen and rushed to the main part of the bunker to see where their Littles were.

But as they past Dean’s room, Castiel grabbed Crowley’s arm and stopped him in his tracks. Without saying a word the two Caregiver just watched. Both leaning into the room with a big smirk on their faces as they watched Sam and Dean on the floor playing with hot wheel cars together.

There was definitely going to be an adjustment period, not only for the Caregivers but for the Littles too. But, in the end, it’s all worth it. The Winchesters never had a peaceful childhood. But now was their chance to start again.

[failure--girl]

wanna make myself cry so im gonna talk about this 1 girl vicky from my class (we got 2 in our class + a bunch of other vickys just in the school so haha u cant recognize anyone)

im so jealous of her. shes skinny but not in a way that makes her look like a skeleton (like i am) and she still manages to have chest and ass?? she looks good in everything and is just pretty overall, sure shes a bit dumb in academics but shes got a bunch of friends and doesnt have stupid fucking disorders like i do. its so unfair why cant i be like her i wanna be liked i wanna be pretty but all i got is academic smarts (im stupid as all hell outside of good grades), the tiniest chest in existence that only hurts when i wanna lay on my back but isnt even seen, ass flatter than my hair, 1a (the worst) hair, the ugliest blue eyes youve ever seen and im underweight and short so literally no one thinks im pretty when i wear smth more revealing

i hate myself so much why am i so ugly and stupid and unstable, if i was only stupid people would still like me cuz id be pretty and not FUCKING INSANE

[mediocreanomaly]

Cuz I’m a sucker for angst, what would happen if in your soulmate au, the reader rejects the boys because of all the pain they put reader through??

Authors Note: I'm so sorry for putting this one off I just didn't want to spoil pt.3 !!! now that I have it out of the way here's my hurt no comfort version of how pt.3 could have gone. Basically an alternative time line where you break these boys hearts :( (Please read the other parts for this to make sense)

For Context: Vashwood Soulmate AU Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Vashwood x Reader Soulmate Au, Angst

"I hate you" It's what comes out of your mouth. It's not your fault really, this is all too much too soon you didn't even know if you wanted soulmates, at least, not the kind that made your life a living hell since you were seven and yet here they were, stumbling into your clinic like this was acceptable or remotely normal.

"You...what?" the blonde ask. It's quiet, so quiet you'd almost miss it if it weren't for the kicked puppy expression he's currently wearing.

"Vash they don't mean that, I said mean shit too when we found out" Nick huffs. Vash and Nick huh? You almost wished he hadn't said the kicked puppies name, it'd make it easier to forget them when they left.

"No...No I do mean that" this gets both of their attentions, The dark haired man's brow furrows while Vash takes a sharp breath obviously steeling himself for whatever your about to say next.

"You two...you two made my life hell. I found out about you on my fucking birthday because I thought I got shot."

Vash winces at that.

"I had to be taken out of school because I cried all the time- hell I couldn't get out of bed! My parents had to look after me I nearly died myself from malnutrition because I couldn't stop screaming from how bad it all hurt!"

Nick shifts on his feet, squaring his shoulders, guarded as if it'll physically protect him from your onslaught of words.

"My dad left because he couldn't watch me suffer- my own mother prayed I would die. To be honest I kind of wanted to, I don't even know how I stayed sane, I don't laugh like I used to I don't- I hurt so fucking bad every day." your voice breaks.

You don't know what the two look like anymore, their forms get blotted out by the tears pooling in your eyes. It's good, you don't want to see their expressions anyways.

"I hate you! I wish you two would've just died!"

It's silent besides your own sobs that you try to muffle with your sleeve. If there was a god, he was a cruel one. One that played tricks and hurt for the hell of it. Because if there really was a god, why you? Why did you get the two people who hurt with abandon? Why did you have to be the one to send them away?

"We never meant to hurt you" Vash says softly, he's not crying. In fact when you glance up at him he's offering your a weary smile, it looks tired and fake.

"But you did"

Nick looks like he wants to say something but he reaches for his pack of cigarettes' instead, grabs one and lights it. Filling his lungs with a large inhale of nicotine. You can feel the burn when he holds his breath for too long.

"I'm sorry" the blond offers in a broken sort of tone, this bristles the other man but this too he doesn't comment on. He probably knows it's a losing battle anyways.

"I am too. Like I said, we're closed." You gesture to the door and that empty smile on Vash's face falters, you swear you see tears beginning to prick at his eyes too but it's too hard to tell with those yellow glasses.

He swallows the lump in his throat and nods slowly reaching for the door, he doesn't bother on waiting for his companion as he walks out shoulders lower than when he came in.

The man holding the cross watches you for a moment, expression hard to read under his dark shades.

"What" you say bitterly

"...He's right, we never meant to hurt you. Don't think we don't feel bad about it. I was mad too when I first met him but you shouldn't- you didn't even give us a chance"

"a chance? I've given you chances since I first felt the two of you. Every single day I gave you a chance, praying it'd be the last time I was shot or stabbed or fucking ripped apart." you snap back

He sets his lips in a firm line letting smoke curl up towards the ceiling.

"That "ripping" apart sensation was all me doll face. You want to be mad? Fine. But don't take it out on him, he likes to play martyr and I hate it just as much as you do but only because he loves too damn hard. Because he does love you, you get that right?"

It's your turn for your expression to sour. "Loves me? he doesn't even know me"

"Well that's just the type of person spikey is. He loves with abandon even if it get's him hurt, even if it ends in his own soulmate turning their nose up at him. If you want to be mad be mad at me."

"Why do you even care."

"Because we're your god damn soulmates! As much as you don't like it god or the universe or whatever the fuck picked us. Us. All three of us to be together"

"Well I guess god makes mistakes then huh."

He stills at that. He's angry, or defeated, or tired, you don't know which, or maybe its all three but there's something akin to recognition in his stance. You were right, he knows when to pick his battles.

"Yeah...guess so." he scoffs "Sorry 'bout the smoke."

You don't say anything when he opens the door to leave.

There's a pull, your soulmate connection telling you to follow, to beg them to come back but you shake your head. Maybe God makes mistakes but you won't.

***

It doesn't take Wolfwood long to find Vash. He's leaning against the clinic still, watching the stars. He doesn't really know what to say. He'd known this would happen, had known since they felt you pinch back all those months ago...but what can he say? The needle noggins optimism had rubbed off on him, he had forgotten that their lives were a tragedy, doomed by the narrative from the start.

"It's not your fault spikey so quit makin that face" Nick huffs, he wished he could say something kinder, more reassuring but he wasn't built for kindness. Vash knew that though, had felt it.

"Isn't it? I'm the one that's always diving in front of bullets, always getting hurt, letting myself get hurt I- I've hurt them so bad Nick. I don't deserve them, I don't deserve you either." Vash sniffles

Nick runs his tongue over the end of the cigarette in his mouth. He knew that if you had turned Vash down this would happen. He had a self deprecating streak like no other, not that he was one to talk. Nick reaches out to gently press his knuckles to the other mans temple.

"C'mon tongari none of that. These things take time, I nearly rung your neck too when I found out we were soulmates. 'sides, if we wanna play the guilt game I win by a landslide. The eye of Michael-"

"Nick-"

Wolfwood holds up his hand to finish "-The eye of Michael messed me up real bad blondie. That's not your fault or theirs. It's just a fact. So quit actin like this is black and white."

Vash quiets, he's not satisfied, but he won't pick at the wound more than he has to, not now at least.

"What do we do we do now?"

Nick eyes the other man and shrugs.

"What we always do. Keeping going and maybe...maybe one day we'll feel a pinch and know it's time to come back."

***

The next day they aren't in town, Gary tells you all about the two odd strangers who asked him about you last night. Ask if they ever made to the clinic.

"No they didn't but I closed early, must've missed them." you say

"Must've not been important then since they left so early, probably journalist" he chuckles, you just nod along.

"Yeah, probably."

You feel a pinch as you walk home, light on your right arm. You had caught a glance at Vash's- the blond mans left arm. Prosthetic, so the feeling must be from him. You don't pinch back.

There's no hurt after that, you move through your day painless, no bullets, no stabs, no pinches, no burns. No trace of you ever even having a soulmate.

Your life goes on like normal, although you have gained one new habit. Every night when you close the clinic, you double check to make sure the door is locked.

[gojoest]

I HATE GOJOHIME SO MUCH OMFG

The annoying ass shippers on twitter have multiplied since the q&a and they’re continuously bitching and forcing gojohime down everyone’s throats 😭

There is no romance between them!! But they will NEVER understand this. They keep using the “gojo likes older women” thing when he doesn’t?? His preferences were never mentioned. Geges troll answer has caused so much fucking drama and debate

Also gojo doesn’t like her, he just teases everyone cuz he’s like that. She also hates him it’s literally canon. They keep saying enemies to lovers is their trope and its canon. It’s not??

SORRY FOR THE VENT 😓❤️

hiiii !! let me give you a hug first to calm you down 🫂

you know i don’t ship them either, in fact i see absolutely no potential between them in canon but we’re all here to have fun and things don’t always make sense with fanon ships or they do but it’s very subjective. like i am sure some ppl side eye me for shipping sukugo and yeah it makes absolutely zero sense tbh 💀 but EYE like it, it makes sense to me and i find it hot and i go crazy when i insert myself in that ship too

simply avoid things that trigger and agitate you like that, it’s literally not worth it dwelling on what gojohime shippers say to make their ship look more canon compared to other ships — it’s literally NOT and won’t be by the looks of it bc the honored one is long gone (man it hurts to say this 💀 i won’t do it again, i promise i just wanna make a point) and i don’t think gege will waste time on a flashback to show us possible but failed or unfulfilled romance between them bc : 1) that just makes no sense in the light of the manga’s progress and the themes it generally revolves around, and romance is not one of them let me tell you that. it’s close to 0, we’ve only seen bits and pieces with toji + mamaguro & miwa + mechamaru, ANYWAY

2) we’ve already seen the past arc and judging by their interactions there was no romantic attraction between them

i’ve already said what i think about gege’s troll answer about sugar baby gojo so i won’t repeat myself BUT the funniest thing is how ppl, children i suppose, consider utahime an older woman. gojo & utahime are 2 years apart. she is in her early 30s how is that old 💀 like if older women were gojo’s preference — which was never confirmed — she’d be instantly OUT, no chance

anyway, i think i got a bit irritated too im sorry kdkekj

one last thing tho, i don’t think utahime really hates gojo. i mean it’s obvious she cannot stand him which is why he keeps fueling her irritation but that doesn’t equal hatred. i think deep down she holds no grudge or ill feelings towards him and i don’t need it spelled out to me yk, i can read and draw my own conclusions — which is why i don’t think that “hate” in the relationship chart was in the sense of actual animosity. there are a lot of ppl that annoy the hell out of me but i don’t hate them, it’s just i don’t click and vibe with them and that’s the essence of their dynamic too, it’s one-sided irritation with gojo being very much chill about getting on her nerves

i’ll shut up now 🫡

[legodamianwayne]

BATMAN AND ROBIN 2023 #1 (Take 6 (yes))

(im not writing this as i go since ive already read the issue before. ill also be mentioning gotham war since this takes place during it (just a warning for spoilers!))

i just noticed the bat and robin on the cover! so cute

OH........(just noticed this too) that doesn't look good

look at them goofing off n having fun

this is cute but the way bruce acts here and in gotham war is so jarring its kinda funny

bruce in batman #137: can't stand my fake ass family

bruce in b&r: me and my son damian 🤗

bruce is in his "local dilf in the area" era rn

damian having talia's mannerism that bruce noticed is so <3

and here its confirmed that this takes place during gotham war. not sure how to feel about that

STILL INSANE OVER THIS baby first self insert fanfic

damian went from drawing hyper realistic gore vent art to anime eyes in the corner

i think it'd be fun if we see damian write more as the story goes on. like him daydreaming n doodling in class

wonder if theres any meaning with damian putting talia as a hero n bruce as a criminal here...or maybe its just a "totally original character do not steal" thing

you dont say bruce 🙄

"the last few years"?? pretty sure the events shown there all happened not even in 2 years since damian turned 14 around the start of the lazarus tournament

also why are alfred n talia not shown there? alfred's death has huge impact on damian (he literally hallucinated him) n talia was there as much as ra's

i dont like how damian looks here but that white connor should be a crime

"thats enough emotions for tonight father" [slams door]

i wonder why damian is staying with bruce tho (outside of making this book exist) didn't bruce n talia had a custody battle moment™ n damian's like "nah i have my own life (is literally 14)"

HELL YEAH MY BOY CAN COOK

he's quoting alfred ohhh im gonna sob

this is kinda embarrassing for bruce...like ur son is finally living with you again n he's the one up early cooking?? sir u better step up

aw he's making tea the way alfred did

*squints* did bruce get his hand back? thats a pretty normal looking hand to me

did damian's comment on it in batman #137 made bruce think "shit i cant give damian any ideas of getting a robot hand" n he just. magically grow it back

[GLASS SHATTERING SOUND]

gotham...heights? n. not gotham academy? no maps? no damian joining her dnd team?? no detective club finally hanging out with damian??

ik damian got expelled from gotham academy BUT. WHY

okay? whats the point if he's not going to the same school that his friend went to?

interesting how damian fantasize for a normal life in robin 2021 (with him liking the mundanity of shoujo manga) n now that bruce is offering him that he's rejecting it (or maybe he just rly don't like school which is. fair enough)

wellll just cuz we're not getting maps n the detective club doesn't mean damian's other friends arent showing up right? RIGHT? (maya plz come home)

THE ROBIN MOBILEEE it looks so ridiculous i love it

HOLD ON. DOES THIS CAR HAVE NO SEAT BELTS?? BRUCE UR LETTING THIS SLIDE?

ik that thing is rly loud too damian waking up the whole neighborhood here

not rumors abt the batfam fighting getting spread around?? this is so embarrassing omg

am i the only one getting gotham academy flashbacks here? with killer croc n the trio with the fox shark n bird masks

they're very comfortable with calling eachother father n son while in suits huh. ig everyone in gotham knows that batman is a dilf (who's beefing with his adult children) now

not much to say abt the rest: bruce got shot with something n now bats are attacking him

end thoughts: i hope with all the focus on animals here means that we're getting damian's pets back soon n that gotham war wont affect this book much since i rly want to see damian interact with his siblings again. also is it just me or does the day scenes looks very bright? saturated? it kinda hurts for me to read idk. the night scenes r pretty tho

next issue is damian's first day on his new school that is not gotham academy but im still excited for it! (coping)

bonus bestie corner

[occasionalrpmemes]

Amigo the Devil: Volume 1 Starters

sentences taken from the 2015 album. edit as desired. warning: this one does NOT pass the Hayes Code lmao. content includes, but is not limited to: sex, violence (both domestic and otherwise), alcohol, strong language, religion, general moral degeneracy, et cetera

It's all for you.

I'd rot in hell with you, if you'd just ask me to.

Come on, believe me, follow me home, there's no judgement here.

Take the shot.

This night is going to end horribly for someone.

I'm not so much afraid of letting go as much as scared of giving up.

Open up to me.

The Devil came and sold his fucking soul to me!

If I've hurt you, please forgive me. Love makes you do funny things.

This fire feels so real.

Don't say a word, my darling. I know how you feel.

On rainy days, we'll drink until the gray is left in nothing but our hair.

I know you want it, too.

I'll lay by your side 'til everything is rotten through.

Tonight, we'll celebrate life! Eat the best food and drink the best wine.

I hope your husband dies.

Are you feeling upside down or even empty inside?

Meet me down by the bar. We'll go and take this drink out to the stars.

Death is just one moment.

Some people follow rules, some people go around.

As an elephant, I'm only really relevant when I'm standing in the room.

I am the son of an asshole.

No one deserves my world quite like you do.

I'm not so much afraid of being alone, just kind of feel I've had enough.

God knows I'll do what I need.

These hands are stronger than you're led to believe.

We'll never have a house to decorate, a place that we can call our home.

If I can't have you, nobody will.

There's only one thing in this life that makes us living.

I want to be where all the stupid shit I say sounds so romantic and true.

Live with me in this sin forever.

There's nothing left to lose, 'cuz I've already lost it all.

Tonight, I'll follow you home and start up a fire that'll keep us both warm.

Hang around, let down your hair.

So you should start to undress and just… try a little less.

Now you're with this asshole- you expect me to believe it's gonna last?

Let me have this dance with you.

Your eyes look like diamonds still stuck inside the mines.

When your tongue is putrid and your skin is sagging down, I'll stick around.

It's true, I hate everything but you.

We'll laugh a little, drink a little, see what you're made of.

All the bridges in the world won't lead you back to fix what couldn't be erased.

This fairytale just ain't coming true.

I'll drive my car like I stole it, drink at the bar like I own it.

These wrinkles are the maps of all the places we went no one else would dare.

I'd rather have a reason I should stay.

There's always gonna be a better high, and a lower down.

We take things a little far, but you couldn't name a place I wouldn't go with you.

I'm capable of making you disappear.

I have a couple different faces if you need a place to hide.

The time we spent together when the light was out became my thought of you.

I am the agent that decides your fate.

There's only one kind of people in the world: people who die!

It doesn't matter what you've heard or if you're good or bad and everything between.

I love the shitty things we do together.

It's been a while since I've held anything as close as I have you.

I'd like to live my life just like a dog. Humble as can be and unconditional in everything I love.

I'll make you famous one way or another.

Home is the last place that I'd stand to be with anyone but you.

I'd crawl in bed with you. Even in someone else's blood, on top of someone else's love, in the worst motel we find.

This life is a maze with only one way out.

Every dime spent is worth looking good- and that's Hollywood!

They'll write about our story here for years to come and maybe even more, cuz there's never been a love like this before.

I'll cut to the chase, just don't try to leave.

Trust me, I'm not jealous, I'm just hoping that he really messes up.

When I had you near me I just couldn't think of anything to say, but now that I'm alone, I got the perfect things to tell you everyday.

We'll leave the world the way dreamers do.

All the parties we can throw - we'll dress like anything we please!

All the distance that we've spent apart will never have to mean a thing. Every mile I traveled was to find the perfect stone to fit your ring.

Living in the moment's hard when everything I want is in the past.

When the night falls, out comes the terror.

Your heart will always have a place to live with nothing left to be.

[emerxshiu]

Elfilis for valentines :3

did on y'all but im back, hopefully i'll post for a few more days before i dissapear again

anyways have a drawing of my wife

with text

i actually wanted to draw kirfluff but my need to draw elfilis took over and my hands and back hurt like hell so i didnt draw the rest of stuff i wanted. maybe i could draw it later or tomorrow but im posting this now before i fall asleep or something and dont post.

It was also an excuse to draw the redesign of my fecto gijinka i had made a few weeks ago so, yeah it was fun.

Tho i might make some adjustments to my gijinka if i see fit. also in this drawing he has some differences from the actual gijinka, mainly, the little hearts arent like that in my gijinka and the bangs here have been tied up because i wasnt feeling like drawing them since theyre really long. also the lashes, but here i kinda tried doing their eyes differently and then colored them so i might make my lis gijinka have his eyes like this or change them, im not sure.

tho the more i look at the drawing, the more dissatisfied i become, i mean i did it yesterday around night and stuff so i didnt really think that much about it, (it took around seven hours and i finished it at like 1 am, i definitly wasnt the most concious at that time) but i feel like something is missing i dunno

maybe its the coloring, i had to remake the shading a lot of times since i didnt know how to do it, my style is really inconsistent a lot of times, going from cell shading to soft shading to mixing them both and so on so forth with a lot more of that.

i do have a sketch with some half finished lineart i did of one of the ideas i had (i was originally going to do more pieces with more characters but i didnt go trough it cuz i knew i wouldnt be able to do it in time) but im too embarassed of it to post it

and even tho i complained, i still kinda like this drawing

(small edit i did)

next post is either one about a gijinka i have almost finished of an obscure kirby character i decided to adopt into an oc or a splatoon post following the fresh season 2024 and side order trailers, (fun fact side order releases just a few days before my birth day! im eating good with nintendo just like last year (last year was wave 1 of the dlc and return to dreamland deluxe))

Now im going to take a break after posting this on my other accounts and then later fight fecto elfilis (i do this almost every month sooo) and then grind my catlogue to get it to 100 before the next season starts

Jambuhbye!

(fuck i just remembered i wanted to talk about a silly headcanon i made for lis while drawing this but i forgot and i dont want to write more ahhhh)

[bellanotgoth]

Life is strange Fanfic

Fanfic I guess Rachel, Nathan, Chloe and Frank (and me).

This is totally made up out of the blue and its probably pretty bad but just wanted to try it out hope you like it🩷

So me and Rachel would become super close as friends when we were little just like max and Chloe but when i lost my other friend in suicide at age of 8 i was suicidal and Rachel was there for me and since then we did everything together, but then at age of 15 we kinda parted ways slowly but we still did stuff together and when i started hanging out with Nathan Prescott she got furious and i started secretly dating him and i got bullied for it for about 1-2 years and then at age of 17 I met frank when I was getting drugs for Nathan and we had an argument and Nathan came to where we were by the forest and he had a gun and the two quickly got into a fight and Nathan was gonna shot but he shot close to me.

I almost got shot and then he ran away from the place and I was stuck there with frank and I forced him to let me use his bathroom and we started talking and saw how much things we kinda had in common. So on we started a small summer fling he thought i was 18 at first but then found out he i was 16-17 he got mad but we continued until we ended the affair. I started studying my marines and i was always by the beach and the ocean or any sort of waters for that matter, i had my friends Zachary and Crystal. Zac was super into animals which I also am and he wanted to work at a zoo one day or become like Steve Irwin and Crystal she was so cool, her eyes were literally blue like crystals and her hair was black as the night and I cant lie if i said I didn't like her more then a friend at one point she really stuck out. She could be really bad but she was so laidback and nice to everyone and got along well with almost everyone.

Crystal and I become pretty close after my fall out with Rachel when i was 15 we became the new R and B that was our thing me and Rachel we had a band when we were younger called RnB cuz it was our initials. Yeah yeah well Crystal always came and sat with me by the beach and we would read our favourite novels out loud since we both hate to read but we loved hearing it. She could play almost every instrument but her favourite was the flute, she loved to sit and play it while we could hear the waves on the shore she was a natural.

When I was zac he is soo fun, he loves animals and well I do too but my favourite is cats i dont know how many petitions I have had to sign because of him. He is truly a fighter for animals rights yeah he wont let any animal be seen hungry or hurt and he just fights for whats right and I think thats cool of him I admire that. Besides his huge love for animals he also has a thing for photography. When I learned he and Nathan was in the same class I was furious at first but then It cooled off I cant hide from him forever, ever since he left me there after he almost shot me I was so mad. The Nathan I knew was a sensitive sweet guy, yes he had his bad sides but that's the thing I do too when we fought hell broke loose. Thats why I was surprised to learn when i got to campus how people saw him as so crazy.

After some time eventually me and Rachel become friends again, it was then I met Chloe she was soo amazeballs I had never met anyone like her she and Rachel were pretty similar but also so alike I know Rachel and she likes to get what she wants and Chloe she just seems like a troubles teen with a lot of trauma. We Three became like the blonde trio (well I had naturally brunette hair but). But we three had really fun times I even took a pic of them by the beach. It was really great, I talked a lot with Chloe I just found it so interesting what she had been through I also understood her loss of her father I had lost mine too not the same way but we kinda connected on that. After some time we both noticed how Rachel was a bit distant but we never knew why maybe Chloe did and she never told me but I surely did not.

Some months after I went to see Frank again you know just catch up, when i drove to his RV which were at our favourite spot. I froze when I got out of the car and saw Rachel there with Frank, I did not know what to feel betrayed or hurt shocked or confused maybe a mix they weren't only together but kissing I felt like throwing up they went in the RV and then I drove off before I left the site I threw a rock on the side window of the RV and drove as fast as I could. I did not want to tell Chloe since I knew her feelings for Rachel were deeper than mine so I left her out of it but soon enough I started hanging out with Crystal and Zac again.

I had not talked to neither Rachel or Chloe for a while and it was to my surprise when I woke up one day at campus and went to the bathroom to see a missing persons report my eyes were still not awake so I just thought oh unfortunate and when I walked back from the bathroom to my dorm I saw her face Rachel frickin Amber. How the hell did this happen, I took the poster and went inside my dorm and cried. That day I decided to contact Chloe and ask her what happened her response was pretty harsh and cold and she basically told me nothing she hung up and then I sat there shocked.

Everyone on campus was talking about her "did you hear about that girl who is missing" "Rachel Amber" I couldn't concentrate at all "Bella all good?" Crystal waved her hand in front of my face "Yeah I'm fine" both Crystal and Zac were just talking about the new petition Zac wanted to make for the stranded whales and even though Crystal also loved animals she rolled her eyes "Heres another petition for you" and she wrote down on a piece of paper "sign for nerds to be quiet" and she had written her name down on it and she gave it to Zac and laughed.

Heres some pics to the fic, me as Bella obvi and then Nathan, Rachel, Chloe and Frank:3

[reminiscentreader]

Love your fics!😩 Can u write one where there is an event the Hawthornes+Avery have to attend but they haven’t left the house cuz Grayson is late and everyone is confused, and then one of his brothers come to check on him in his room only to find out he’s asleep cuz he’s feeling sick, and then that brother stays with him??😭

Thank you for being so patient! I’ve been wanting to write this for a while but I’ve been really busy 😭

Anyways hope you enjoy xx

_________________________________________

Jameson

The annual Hawthorne gala, Hundreds of important rich people from al over the world coming to see the Hawthorne heiress, my Hawthorne heiress. I watch as Avery slips on her deep green dress, it fits her perfectly, she is perfect, “Jamie,” I sit up a little straighter, “zip me up will you?” I make my way off our bed and towards her “of course heiress.” After I zip up her dress I rest my hands on her shoulders and tuck my head into the crook of her head, “you look so beautiful tonight heiress” I reach my hand out to stroke down her braid, “I love you” Avery leans down and presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, “I love you too.”

Grayson

I feel awful. I don’t ever get sick but right now I feel like curling into a ball and dying, I can barely stand up or see and there are tears streaming my face. I hate how vulnerable I’ve made myself, I’m ment to be attending the annual gala for goodness sake, so if I don’t sort myself out in the next five minutes, I’m fucked. I desperately try to make my way to the bathroom but I’m hopelessy stumbling around, tears blurring my vision. What would the old man say if he saw me now? Your letting yourself get sick Grayson? Hawthornes don’t get sick. They are fighters. We don’t let anything get in the way. Kill yourself tobias, is what I would’ve probably thought if he wasn’t already dead.

I don’t know how long I’ve had my head stuck in this toilet for, violently vomiting to the point of passing out, I suddenly feel light headed, maybe I should get some sleep, maybe I should take a break from work? No. Weak.

weak.

weak.

weak.

weak.

weak….

Nash

I clap my hands to get everyone’s attention, “Right ya’ll, everyone here ready to go?” 7 heads nod back at me, “alright let’s head to the car room.” About five minutes into walking Avery exclaims, “Grayson, Have you got the papers we need?” Nobody responds. “G-Grayson?” Everyone starts to look around murmuring, “Now where the hell ‘as Gray gone.” I say looking for him in the crowd of people following me, “Jesus Christ, did anyone see him come out?” Again in response I get a couple of murmurs, “Nobody?” They all shake there heads, “Guess I’ll go find him then.”

After walking all the way back to the house, I was starting to wonder if Grayson wasn’t even in the state, maybe he went to go visit his sister or something, nah, I know gray wouldn’t miss this if he was half dying. I’d stopped to ask one of the maids if they’d seen him, “M-mister Hawthorne hasn’t been out of his wing all day.” I quickly thanked her with the tip of my hat and headed towards graysons wing.

so here I am, stood outside graysons wing I’ve already knocked five times, five times with no response, “GRAYSON DAVENPORT HAWTHORNE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT OPEN THIS DOOR IN 5 SECONDS IM KNOCKING IT DOWN.” No response. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.., still nothing, I know how much grayson hates privacy invaders, but it’s for his own safety, he could be dead in there for fucks sake. So Nash kicked down the door.

Grayson

the first thing I heard when I woke up was the bang of what I assumed to be someone kicking down my door, I tried to pull myself up, to see who it was, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything without it hurting, the next thing I saw was Nash standing at the bathroom door, “oh gray” Nash knealed down to my level and pushed a bit of hair that had fell into my eyes away, “what’s up?” I only grunted in response, I didn’t trust myself, “ok gray let’s get you into bed.” He helped me up, I was shaking so badly, I was tired, so so so tired. I fell asleep almost immediately, I heard Nash pull up a chair next to my bed and say something like, “Get some rest gray, please.” He helped me into my bed and the minute my head hit the pillow I fell fast asleep.

—————————————————————

Nash stayed with Grayson that night, and when his brothers arrived home, he did not tell them what had happened, he simply let them guess, when Grayson woke up, he did take a break from work. The night Grayson Hawthorne missed the annual Hawthorne gala, would become a secret between the two oldest Hawthornes, that the others would never found out about.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><> I am so so so sorry for how long this took 😭 I really hope you enjoyed it ❤️❤️

[raeygina-george]

all the ones you feel like answering rn

1- What’s your favorite color?

take a guess (if you said pink you are correct)

2- Coffee or tea?

tea!!!!!! coffee smells too strong it hurts my nose & it's really bitter so i have to add way too much sugar & and Very Sweet hurts similarly

4- If you were a time of day, what time of day would you be?

6 am.... that's just the most me time of day

5- What’s your phone wallpaper?

my lock screen is the "shoutout to women gotta be one of my favorite genders" meme & my home screen is a gravestone drawn by my friend that says "rip raey drowned in the pussy"

7- What would you do if you found a 100 dollar bill on the sidewalk?

I'd probably just leave it tbh.... or if no one was around i guess id take it

8- Do you have any piercings or tattoos? 

basic ear piercings only.... I've thought about getting more but i can't and I probably wouldn't want to anyways

10- What song would you play at your funeral?

never gonna give you up by rick astley. the phrasing of the question kind of makes it seem like id sit up in my coffin & reach for my phone to press play before dying again which i think would be really funny

11- When’s the last time you cried?

a couple days ago cuz i was arguing with dad about the olympic boxing drama and he said something that pissed me off askfhksjd

12- What do you want to be remembered for when you die?

i just want to be remembered as like. a person whose name you'd put a heart next to in your contacts. a person who made you smile and laugh

14- Would you rather know the date or cause of your death?

the date so that i could know how much time i have left

15- What would you do if you found a dead body in a hotel room?

erm idk I'd probably go to the front desk and say Hey there's a dead body ... can you do something..........

16- Are we really living or are we just slowly dying?

of course we're living. suffering, though a bitch, is also a part of life

17- Do you like the taste of blood?

nah

18- If you had to lose a body part, which one would you choose and why?

uterus cuz it's kinda annoying

20- If there's hell of some sort, do you think you’re going there?

i don't know.... i imagine that if heaven & hell were real almost nobody would get into heaven at all because the nature of humanity is to be flawed. i don't think it's even possible to be a perfect human.... and the concept of what's sin and what's not is constantly changing so even by being born in this world i could be considered a sinner.

tl;dr i don't know what counts as a "good person" so i can't answer

21- How would you dispose of a body?

probably really badly.... i think id sink it in a river or the sea because the water can wash away the evidence

22- Would you kill someone you don’t know to save someone you love?

if i was actually in this situation i would probably be paralyzed by the choice and miss my window for killing that stranger

23- Would you rather be burned at the stake but die a saint beloved by all, or die peacefully but have nobody remember you?

die peacefully. no one is going to remember me after the earth crumbles to dust anyways. and im dead so i don't care what others think

24- Would you rather eat part of a human heart or a whole human eye?

a whole human eye bc i read on the internet once that that's the yummiest part of a human

[monamipencil]

another long reblog cuz im crazy abt this story

omg, i LOVED this chap? and i loved all their dynamics?? the chapter was so intriguing. it's so good?? plot is plotting. mia you're so fucking talented to pull this off. my god, i love your writing so much. it's the perfect blend of angst, humor and fluff (and ofc smut). and the fact that you're writing this out of your comfort zone?? respect. srsly tho, i loved this chap!! im so ready for the next chapters hehe.

and ofc, fave parts below!!

it was privacy that was the real myth. 

asdghjkl, well being in a camp with 13 men is .... interesting

when Soonyoung and Seungkwan sat right next to you, loudly comparing their dick sizes.

and not the underwear boxing lmaoo. guys...*sigh*

1.Hell no you didn't want him or anyone in this camp to realise just how (as Jihoon called it) thirsty you were.

"thirsty you were" 😭😭😭

You couldn't just walk up to such a man and tell him, “hey, you're hella hot and I'm hella attracted to you, I wish you would ravage me.”???? 

honestly, i would. (only for cheol tho 😌)

you liked to take Natalie on a walk to visit the man she had a big fat crush on. 

AHHHHHHH, JUN LMAO. AND NATALIE ?!?! i miss natalie

Soonyoung was…….. A teenager stuck in a man’s body.

more true words have never been spoken

he was handsome, goofy, really good with his hands, really really good with his brain but the same didn’t extend to his mouth. 

"the same didn't extend to his mouth" im hollering

For now, you were to focus on building your core strength and basic self defense, in case the camp is ever attacked…. Yes, cause that is less scary, way to make one feel better. 

minghao needs social skills training cuz wtf man?

Hansol was well aware of your presence and chose to actively avoid you every time - if you remembered right, there were even instances when he had practically run away from you.

this is sofucking funny, lmao. they have never been in the vicinity of a woman

And consequently, you too naturally babied him and Chan too enjoyed it - the two of you were perfectly content with your dynamic. 

i would do it too, for lee chan.

Maybe if it was someone else you'd be offended but seeing his childlike face and full cheeks, you were only mildly amused. 

LMFAO i love how we're dragging soonyoung any chance given.

“I'm more of the ‘don't join the crowd, let it follow you’ kinds.”

i see, where you're going with this miss yn

“Okay Mr. Seung-I-am-the-son-of-Hera-and-marriage-is-the-way-of-life-Kwan” Soonyoung rolled his eyes. “Not every traditional relationship is healthy, and not everything unconventional is toxic.”

"marriage is the way of life kwan"😭😭 but soonyoung spitting facts here.

“Yes, except yours is both unconventional and toxic.” Seungkwan scoffed

lmaoo

Mingyu patted his shoulder, shooting you a wink. “Y/n has other plans with me today anyways.” 

another fool with no communication skills. im calling my mom if someone says this to me

Looking up, you saw Jihoon staring at you with a small smirk, his expression all knowing.

lmao, i love smug and teasing jihoon

And you wanted to do Cheol. 

so do all of us.

watching the shirtless man, doing sit ups in the middle of the living room

in the living room? he's just asking to be fucked atp

And there was you who was always desperately wishing for the smallest interaction with him.. What an idiot. 

... tch, hits home. and choi seungcheol, wth.

You tried not to hyperfixate on the inappropriate labeling of Horang in the off chance that an annoyed Soonyoung threw you back out.

she's way too patient. im just gonna hit his head at this point. poor "horang," being misperceived all the time. #justicefor"horang"

“and you could moan my name, say how good I'm making you feel.” 

this guy, *sigh*

“Fuck yes Soonyoung, that feels so good-” “Yeah, yeah I remember…..Oh no that was just…. our cow?…..Yes Daisy, she's just having a rough night…..”

LMAO, my stomach hurts

“Let me clarify. Yes I have used a dildo before-”  “Oh god.”  “- Although my girlfriend isn’t the biggest fan of it-”  “This wasn’t my question.”  “-I do occasionally enjoy it myself.”  “I don’t think I should be a part of this conversation.”  “But this dildo in particular, has never been used by either of us before.”  “That!” You pointed out. “That’s all I needed to know.” 

im so done with these idiots lmaooo. (and im genuinely intrigued)

“I haven’t even gotten to the story behind this.” He giggled. “This is my father’s.”  “Aaaand I’m done here.” 

😭😭😭 back to zero communication skills lmao

“This isn’t an ordinary dildo Y/n, no. This baby can take on the shape, size, dimensions and every single tiny detail” He gave a dramatic pause. “Of the person you are imagining while going at it.”

i need the amazon link (asking for a friend ofc)

Lord was Choi Seungcheol thick.

asdfghjkl ????

“No, no I don’t but why do I make you nervous?”  Seungcheol smiled softly. “Do you really not know?”  You suppressed the grin forming on your own face. Fucking finally.  “No.” You shook your head feigning innocence. “Tell me.”  “Can I show you?” 

AHHHHHHHHHHH, OMG. IT'S HAPPENING, FIN-

“Y/n I’m sorry, I forgot that it’s late and we have training at 4 tomorrow.” He muttered, drawing his hands away. “You should sleep. I can’t excuse your lateness everyday.” 

nevermind.

Camp Seventeen: Chapter 1

Pairing - Afab!reader x ot13 (Reader x Seungcheol, Reader x Soonyoung for this Ch)

Word count - 13K

Genre - Greek Demigod AU! We’ve got crack, smut (tags for the chapter are under the cut), fluff , angst, hurt, comfort, all of it in this series, buckle up!

Chapter summary - It's been a week since you stepped foot in Camp Seventeen - as you navigated the days trying to wrap your head around the 13 boys, one's touch and another's voice start to become a bit too bothersome....

A/n - And the series has finally kickstarted! Please read the prologue before this! Big thanks to @okiedokrie and @c-oupsie for helping beta read this, y'all are the sweetest <3

I do have a taglist so comment/DM/send an ask to be added! And if you enjoyed reading, please don't forget to leave feedback in the comments or tags - we've got lots of chapters to go and hearing thoughts really helps <3

Smut warnings - mutual masturbation, fingering, use of a very questionable dildo, is this considered cheating? Idk it's all blur here, jerking off, cum feeding, cum eating and I hope that's all?

“Fucking hell.” 

You mumbled, waking up the same way you had been for the last one week - startled and nearly jumping off your bed. 

While most people began their days to the ringing of alarm clocks (or roosters if they preferred the countryside), you regularly woke up to the sound of Seungcheol’s eagle screeching in your ear. 

Turning your head, you glanced at Zephyr perched on the window before it gave you a short nod of acknowledgement and flew off into the darkness. Yes darkness, because unlike most people, your day also began at 4 fucking am in the morning. 

Groaning and stretching, you sat up, holding back the large yawn that was threatening to pull you back to sleep. If Zephyr was here to wake you up, that meant you were late yet again and you hated that - you had done too many walks of shame to the training field and were in no mood to be conspicuously stared at by 13 boys as you stumbled over, carrying all your gear. 

Knowing you didn’t have enough time to drop by the washroom, you popped a mint and sprayed some deodorant before quickly grabbing your things and running out into the darkness. 

The sun was just starting to peek from between the mountains as the House Of Zeus became smaller and smaller behind you. Although you had a long list of concerns living with Seungcheol, an unbeatable advantage was how close his residence was to the training grounds. Still, you could somehow never manage to be punctual. By the time you reached, you were 15 minutes late and Seokmin had already begun the morning drills. 

“Two laps around the field newbie.” He muttered as you walked past him, habituated to receiving the same punishment everyday. 

While you begrudgingly jogged around the perimeter of the grounds, your mind wandered to everything and nothing that happened over the past few days. 

Life at camp so far had been…. strange. 

You would be lying if you said you were already accustomed to life here. You most certainly were not. And forget a week, not even a year could prepare you for what living in the wild was like. 

To begin with, there was no electricity here. That’s right, no lights, no air conditioning, no Internet, nothing. 

Member’s began their days at sunrise and ended it as sunset - after all nothing much could be done in the dim illuminance of the fire torches scattered all around the base. So of course for you, who functioned best from 1 to 3am, this archaic way of life was highly inconvenient. 

The only place that had even a trace of something technologically advanced was the Great Hall - some of the more brainy boys had managed to set up a small circuit for kitchen appliances, laundry machines, a small charging station and that was about it. Rumor was that Wonwoo's residence had its own circuit too, but no one could really confirm that intel - it was as though none of them had ever ventured into the House of Hades. 

And as though the lack of scientific inventions was not enough, showers…..were communal. Apparently it made more sense that water lines were directed to one common bath house rather than to each individual house. For them it was definitely more convenient to have the baths, jacuzzi and sauna all in one place, but for you that meant waiting everyday after training for the whole lot of them to be done washing up before you could do the same, with some privacy. 

Oh and speaking of privacy, in the last week you spent here, you had come to realize that in this all-boys-greek-mythology world, it was privacy that was the real myth. Obviously after years of living together the boys were close but sometimes, they were perhaps a tad bit too close - like the time you had walked in on Mingyu and Seokmin boxing in just their underwear or when Soonyoung and Seungkwan sat right next to you, loudly comparing their dick sizes. You usually drew the line at phallic discussions.

The one place on camp that perhaps gave you some alone time and space away from the mess that the boys were, was the library. Considering you had shifted the last year of your University to an online study, you had a shit ton of assignments to complete and that was the only place you were able to get anything done at all. It was like the boys didn’t even know the study building existed - no one cared enough to go there so yeah, maybe occasionally, you also allowed yourself to let down your hair, sing in your horribly off pitch voice and dance to beats from your walkman. Outside those four walls it was impossible for you to feel even a little peace and quiet. 

Surprisingly, not even the temple, which one would think would be a place of sanctity, was spared from the deviant actions of the boys. The altar was less a place of worship and more a place for bargains and exchange deals - it was the only way to connect to the gods, aka, the parents in Olympus. 

You had come to learn that just like the human world, not all God parents loved their kids the same - some members were regularly showered with gifts and goods, others would not receive so much as a response. You found yourself falling in the second half. Your father never cared for you in the human world and apparently, neither did your mother. 

Brushing off the thoughts of the woman you had thought was dead for the last 25 years, you wrapped up your punishment and joined the boys for morning exercises, ready to start yet another tiring day. 

“All done!” 

Joshua gave you a sweet smile as he stepped out of the bath house, rubbing the towel into his wet hair. Thanking him softly, you walked into the showers, stripped out of your clothes and turned on the hot water. The mud that Minghao had you rolling in today as part of combat training washed off as the heat worked to soothe your aching muscles. Lathering shampoo onto your scalp, you finally felt yourself relaxing, letting your favorite citrus smell take over your senses. Outside the bath house, you could hear Seungcheol raising his voice, instructing all the members to head for breakfast, loud footsteps following his words. 

Choi Seungcheol….. Living with him so far had been frustrating. 

When you first stepped into his residence, you told him that you’ve always lived alone so it might take you a while to adjust to living with someone and Seungcheol seemed to inwardly decide that giving you space was his life's purpose. After that, whenever you appeared before him, he politely greeted you and walked away. Whenever you stood as much as two feet near him he took a step back, like he didn't want to intrude on your personal space. Whenever you sat in his vicinity, he excused himself stating he'll give you some ‘me-time’. 

You wish he knew how much you were in fact craving for the exact opposite - You wanted Choi Seungcheol. God you so badly wanted him. 

It wasn't like you could just make a move on him because 

1.Hell no you didn't want him or anyone in this camp to realise just how (as Jihoon called it) thirsty you were and 

2. Seungcheol wasn’t just anybody, he was the leader. Members bowed to him when he walked by, even the companions, specially Patricia who listened to no one, obeyed him - anything and everything on this camp premises held him at the highest regard. You couldn't just walk up to such a man and tell him, “hey, you're hella hot and I'm hella attracted to you, I wish you would ravage me.”???? 

All you could hope was that Seungcheol somehow approached you on his own but that seemed questionable given the clear line he had drawn between the two of you. 

The one person you wished would actually draw a line was the first one to always cross it - Yoon Jeonghan. You knew he and Seungcheol were the same age and that they were close but you didn't understand just how close they had to be for Athena's son to barge into the leaders residence whenever he wanted? Even at times you were changing your clothes or lying casually on the bed in your night dresses that barely covered anything. 

The most infuriating part was Jeonghan did not ever apologize - he'd just laugh and walk away and you wanted to do nothing more than throw a shoe at him. For some reason he enjoyed getting on your nerves, he enjoyed making you angry and it wasn’t just you - in the last one week, it was evident that Jeonghan was a pain in everyone's ass but somehow they all adored him? You didn't get why they all seemed to love a man who always liked to pull their leg, never leaving any chance to fool them with his wit - you assumed they just preferred to be on his good side so all his harmless fun remained harmless. 

Even Joshua, who was one of the sweetest people you knew, seemed to have a soft spot for Jeonghan. 

When you asked him why he said before Jeonghan joined camp, Seungcheol was very uptight and ran the camp like a military barrack - it was the former’s pranks and carefree attitude that allowed members to be at ease. Though he was talking about Jeonghan, you knew what Joshua’s words truly reflected were his own good nature. He just seemed like the kind of guy who could do no wrong - like a pure, sweet soul. The days after you first arrived at camp it was Joshua who showed you around, guided you with everything and tried to make you feel at home. No one else really tried to get to know you as a person - they were all more interested about how and why you landed in their camp. 

It also helped that Joshua was extremely pleasant on the eyes - at times when you didn’t want to feel overburdened by thoughts, you loved to sit next to him and watch him work on his little craft for the day or write that new novel of his. Yes he was good looking and yes when he smiled, you felt dazzled, but it was his sweet disposition that made you choose his company over the other members.

On the days he would go off to the city for some work, the next best place you found yourself was on Jun’s farm. Not that he was particularly nice to you or anything, Jun was…. quiet. He seemed to always do his thing, not bothering anyone, only speaking when required. When the evenings rolled around, you liked to take Natalie on a walk to visit the man she had a big fat crush on. Honestly though, who wouldn’t have a crush on someone like Jun - though he was the one working in the fields, it was you who was sweating, just watching him. 

Although you did want to talk to him, try to get to know him a little bit, you chose not to - as someone who enjoyed the peace and quiet, you decided to let at least some member offer you that because guys like Soonyoung sure as hell could not. 

Soonyoung was…….. A teenager stuck in a man’s body. Oh yeah he was hot as hell - just the nice build with muscles popping in all the right places. He knew how to dress better than most people on camp too - if you had seen him somewhere else, you would have thought he was one of those cool kids you always saw on campus. 

But that image of him was destroyed the moment he sat on a Leopard and insisted it was a tiger. Over the last week, that was the predominant discussion between the two of you. That and his incessant flirting. Or rather, attempt to flirt. All he came across was cheesy, kinda humorous and loud. Extremely loud. 

Wonwoo on the other hand was as silent as the night. 

Most of the time you didn’t even know if and when he was around, it was like he was non-existent. The members too didn’t seem to bother much with what he did - you noticed he didn’t wash up with the others, often hitting the showers after you were done. He never came for any meals on time, he always stayed back, even after all the members dispersed for the day - he just seemed to function however he liked and no one questioned him. He never questioned you either - Not once did Wonwoo ever attempt to make conversation with you or even meet your eye. It was like he couldn’t care less and that wasn't very pleasant for you. 

Someone who seemed to care a lot though, was Jihoon. Oh Jihoo was quiet too, but somehow he had his eyes on everything. Everything you did, everything you saw, even everything you felt seemed to find its way into Jihoon’s radar - he just knew. It terrified you that he was able to see right through you but the good thing about Jihoon was that he generally kept his mouth shut and wasn’t too keen on discussing his observations. Regardless, his presence made you feel extremely conscious and a part of you often tried to not be alone with him, lest he could read your mind or something. 

As the last of the soap rinsed off you, you turned off the water and grabbed your towel, patting yourself down. Your body was sore and aching all over - Minghao said that was because you were not used to such combat routines and in a few months time you would get used to it but you weren’t really sure if you had it in you to tolerate all this for that long. 

You also still had no idea what exactly these skills were needed for but from the conversations you overheard, it sounded like some sort of competition? That was both unlikely and terrifying cause who really competed with swords and spears anymore but if it was true, then what the actual hell??? Minghao said he didn’t want to scare you with the details just yet and would explain everything when the time came. For now, you were to focus on building your core strength and basic self defense, in case the camp is ever attacked…. Yes, cause that is less scary, way to make one feel better. 

But that was the thing about Minghao - he did not have the habit of sugar coating things. He was honest with his feedback no matter how rude it sounded and though sometimes it did make you feel like shit, he also made sure to push you to do better. You knew if there was anyone you could approach for a real, unbiased opinion, it was him. 

The same could not be said for Mingyu though - everything that came out of his mouth was saccharine sweet to the point it actually annoyed you. There was no doubt he was a nice guy - he was handsome, goofy, really good with his hands, really really good with his brain but the same didn’t extend to his mouth. His style of getting your attention was to ceaselessly seek validation and unfortunately for him, you weren’t really someone who was great with words of affirmation. When he was not trying so hard to please though, Mingyu was truly the biggest sweetheart with the fattest, most caring heart you had ever come across - the kind one wanted to wrap in bubble wrap and tuck away safely. 

Seokmin too fell in the same category - the type who was so precious, it was hard to believe people like him even existed. The only reason you were able to survive these few weeks of training despite coming late was because Seokmin had your back every time Seungcheol wasn’t watching - allowing you to take breathers, overlooking the fact that you were doing less sets than you were supposed to, things of that sort. He was always sweet and calm, giving you soft smiles and sweet eye crinkles. 

With his members though, Seokmin was a whole different person - he was unnaturally loud, extremely energetic and all over the place. The problem was, you didn’t know which of the two was the real him. You weren’t really sure why but something told you Seokmin wasn’t the man he seemed like and a strange curiosity coursed through you every time you interacted with him. 

Seungkwan on the other hand was the exact opposite, he was exactly what he seemed like - always annoyed, unabashedly honest and unnecessarily snarky. In a way, you understood him - Seungkwan had the habit of taking on many things at once and keeping him unbelievably busy. In university, you too were like this - you took extra modules, signed up for multiple clubs, worked an internship alongside a couple of part time jobs and more. You liked to be occupied, to not allow yourself the room to think about what your life could have been otherwise. Maybe that’s why you saw yourself in Mr. Busy Boo - always roaming around with that bluetooth in his ear, attending some meeting or the other, frequently heading to the city to get work done - ‘rest’ was just not a word in his dictionary.

But even amidst all this business and even though his automated response was to snap back at people, he still managed to bond really well with the members despite having joined the camp only a few months before you had. It was like they all needed him to be their constant reality check. 

The one who you thought required his presence more than anyone was Hansol. A man like him whose entire personality was avoidant needed someone like Seungkwan who would drag him into everything forcibly. Hansol wasn’t like Wonwoo, who was unbothered, couldn’t care less and pretended like you didn’t exist. Hansol was well aware of your presence and chose to actively avoid you every time - if you remembered right, there were even instances when he had practically run away from you. Something was just weird about that guy. 

Perhaps the most normal of them all was Chan - actually he was just as loud and consistently blabbering much like some of the others but something about him made you feel very fond of him. Sure he was the same age as you but he felt like a child, always babied by his members, always grinning like a cheshire cat. And consequently, you too naturally babied him and Chan too enjoyed it - the two of you were perfectly content with your dynamic. 

If only you got that same feeling with everyone else……

As you grabbed your things and stepped out of the bath house fully dressed, Wonwoo was standing outside with a towel slung on his shoulder, scrolling through his phone. Without so much as looking at you, he walked past you, into the shower room, loudly shutting the door behind him. 

“Can you ever be on time?” Jeonghan sighed, handing you a plate of pancakes as you looked around realizing everyone was nearly done with breakfast. “It’s not my job to wait your table every morning.” 

“Until you lot arrange for me to have my own shower,”  You grabbed an apple, taking a bite into it as you sat at the extra long dining table. “I’m afraid this is exactly how late I will be everyday.” 

“You know what they say sweetie,” Soonyoung whisked the apple from your hand, taking a bite of his own. “If you can’t beat the crowd, join the crowd.”

You looked at him exasperatedly, knowing that he was just talking out of his ass. Maybe if it was someone else you'd be offended but seeing his childlike face and full cheeks, you were only mildly amused. 

“I'm more of the ‘don't join the crowd, let it follow you’ kinds.”

“Oh I'd follow you anywhere Y/n.” He sighed dreamily as you laughed, taking a bite out of your pancakes that were still too hot. 

“How about you start following your own girlfriend instead Kwon?” Minghao walked around the kitchen island shooting Soonyoung an unimpressed look. “Rumour is that she was seen outside the Dreamboys Disco and we all know exactly what one goes there for.”

“She's not my girlfriend anymore.” Soonyoung muttered. “We broke up.”

“Weren't you just planning an anniversary trip two days ago?” Seokmin looked at him quizzically. 

“Yeah then we argued over a location and she said it was better we broke up for a while.” 

“This is what, your third breakup this month?”

“Fifth.” He whispered sadly in a way that made you want to pat his back. “Sixth actually, if you count the one that lasted for 3 hours.” 

“I'll never understand these on again off again kind of relationships.” Seungkwan clicked his tongue, hurriedly grabbing a banana, balancing all the files in his hand. “The only thing it screams to me is disrespect.” 

“Okay Mr. Seung-I-am-the-son-of-Hera-and-marriage-is-the-way-of-life-Kwan” Soonyoung rolled his eyes. “Not every traditional relationship is healthy, and not everything unconventional is toxic.”

“Yes, except yours is both unconventional and toxic.” Seungkwan scoffed, raising his hand before Soonyoung retaliated. “I can’t care enough right now, tiger boy, I’m already late. We can reschedule your relationship counseling session sometime later.” 

“How about never?” Soonyoung grumbled as Seungkwan rushed off, attending a call on his bluetooth. “Who’s idea was it for him to join the camp again?” 

“Mine.” Seungcheol slid onto the seat across you, raising an eyebrow. “Is there a problem?” 

“Nope.” Soonyoung shook his head fast. “Absolutely not.”

Smirking just a little, Seungcheol turned to you, sliding a couple pieces of chicken breast off his plate onto yours. “You need to eat more Y/n, that little won’t last you through the day.” 

“Same goes for you..” Jeonghan mumbled, placing a bottle of protein shake near Seungcheol who gave him a grateful smile. From the corner of your eye, you saw Jun increase the portion of chicken to buy on the huge shopping list scribbled on the white board.

If there was anything you absolutely loved about this camp, it was the brotherhood. No matter what each member was like individually, as a team, they loved and cared about each other immensely. You weren’t really sure if and when they could extend the same for you but having lived alone nearly all your life, a part of you craved to be one of them, to be cared for like that. 

“I won’t be able to make it for the meeting tonight.” Wonwoo, as usual, strolled in much later than you and no one, as usual, had any complaints with that. In fact rather uncharacteristically nicely, Jeonghan handed him breakfast, shooting him a worried look.

“Why, what’s wrong?” 

“I need to drop by the headquarters today.” He sighed, sitting a couple of seats away from you. “There’s an important official coming and apparently my presence is needed.” 

“Will you be back by nightfall?” Seungcheol asked, looking concerned. You knew why he was worried - if Wonwoo wasn’t there on camp grounds at night that meant all the members had to take their places on the perimeter to guard overnight. Sleep was not an option that night. 

“Yeah,” Wonwoo replied, not looking up. “I will just have to miss out on the meeting for the lawsuit.” 

Right that meeting. The one you, Jeonghan and Wonwoo, had been trying to have for days now to sort out the biggest mess of your life. 

“Shouldn’t be a problem, Nonu.” Mingyu patted his shoulder, shooting you a wink. “Y/n has other plans with me today anyways.” 

You frowned confused as Mingyu clarified. “You were going to finalise your house plan so I could start construction, remember?” 

Oh yeah, you had that too. 

“Awesome, then I can go to the city today.” Jeonghan clapped cheerily, taking his apron off. 

“You don’t work today though…..” Jun muttered, looking at the shortage in the lunch boxes he had packed. 

“Don’t worry about food, I got some friends to meet over lunch.” The older man shot him a two-fingered salute before jogging out of the dining hall, earning Seungcheol’s tired sigh. 

“I can never keep up with him-” 

“Cab leaves in five!” Chan shouted, poking his head through the window. 

The members around immediately stuffed the last of their breakfast, grabbing their things hurriedly, rushing out to get the front seat in Chan’s car. Afterall, the ones behind had to squeeze to fit themselves in and the one hour bumpy ride to the city was not fun. From their collective groans though you could tell Jeonghan had called shotgun - the asshole was lucky as usual. 

Seungcheol downed the last of his breakfast with a fond laugh before turning to you. 

“Have a nice day Y/n, I’ll see you later.” 

You tried not to smile back at him too widely as your eyes followed him leaving the premises. When you turned back to your meal, you could feel a set of eyes keenly looking at you. Looking up, you saw Jihoon staring at you with a small smirk, his expression all knowing. Gulping, you excused yourself from there. 

You stared at the blueprint before you, humming skeptically. 

“Are you still not happy with the design?” Mingyu sighed, crossing his arms. 

“I don’t know.” You drawled. “Something about it feels….off.” 

“Something about your own design that you made for your own house feels off?” 

“Gyu.” Joshua chastised, standing up from the couch and walking over to you. “Artists second guess their work all the time, have some patience.” 

“I am patient.” The bigger man pointed. “But she’s unbelievably indecisive.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” You looked up at Mingyu guiltily. “It’s just, I’m wondering if having a bathroom in my residence is a good idea or if I should just have another small one built by the bath house? I mean think about it - my residence is so far from the training grounds and the dining hall, if I had to walk all this distance everyday, I’m only going to be more late-” 

“I get it.” Mingyu patted your back. “I get your concerns but the sooner we finalize this, the sooner I can get to building it and the sooner you can get out of Seungcheol’s house and into your own space.” 

Ahhh. 

Right. 

A part of you was thankful that Jihoon wasn’t a part of this discussion otherwise he would’ve seen right through your subtle attempts to delay this process. You didn’t want to be an inconvenience on purpose but….. You were just a girl and you wanted to get to know Cheol a little better. It didn’t help that he was barely ever at home, leaving at the crack of dawn for training and only returning very late at night, after he finished attending night school doing that stupid astronomy degree of his. The only time you ever got with him was on Sunday because members did not train on Sundays - everyone was free to do whatever they wanted. And you wanted to do Cheol. 

So far you only had the chance to spend one weekend alone with him and maybe just maybe if you pushed your house construction a little you’d have the chance for another weekend or two. Then perhaps, you’d be able to take this unresolved, unnecessary tension with him somewhere. 

“How about you take a few days and work on your plan again Y/n?” Joshua rolled up the large paper carefully, handing it to you. “Whenever you’re ready let me and Mingyu know - we’ll try and figure out the materials, budget, feasibility and all that.” 

“It’s times like this I miss Jeonghan’s brain.” Mingyu clicked his tongue, disappointed. “Where did he say he was off to again?” 

“When does he ever tell us?” Joshua mumbled. “He should be back by nightfall though. Jun said he needed help with the fertilizer composition and Han told him he would help.” 

“Wow, he’s capable of being useful.” You rolled your eyes, stashing the blueprint into your bag. Mingyu and Joshua laughed, amused.

“Jeonghan is always useful..” 

“We still haven’t managed to figure out a thing about my lawsuit and my hearing is in a few weeks-” 

“Han and Wonwoo will sort it out Y/n, don’t worry.” Joshua rubbed your arm comfortingly. “They’re the best one can ask for.” 

“Yeah except I can’t seem to ask Jeonghan for anything cause he’s a little bitch or ask Wonwoo anything because for that he would need to realise that I exist and I don’t think he does.” 

“Wonwoo hyung is….” Mingyu trailed off. “He’s a little hard to understand. Just give him some time. Once you figure him out, you’ll know why he’s like this.”

Exasperated, you shook your head and walked away. Time was the one thing you never seemed to have. 

Like always, as the sun began setting you glanced out of the window of the library catching sight of the varied hues in the sky. On the camp ground you could see Mingyu riding his big mechanical bull, lighting up the fire torches around for the night. Pulling out the lighter from your bag, you stared at the candles stacked in the middle of the table. 

Sighing you cast the lighter aside and snapped your fingers, watching the flames come to life in your hand, dancing across your palm. Stretching your fingers, and moving your hand around, you watched the orange yellow light just glide across your skin like it was a pretty accessory and not literal fire that should have obliterated your hand by now. 

Fire never did burn you - how could it when a mere thought could make it come alive in your hands. You first discovered this when you were 16 and accidentally dunking your hand in a pot full of boiling water did not leave so much as a scar. Even though you were unscathed you roamed around for a few days with a fully bandaged hand - the world would have thought you were some sort of freak otherwise. Over the years you tried to play with fire in many ways, just to test your limits, just to see how far you could go and each time, much to your own dismay, the limit didn’t exist. Each time proved just how much you didn’t fit in the world, just how much you deserved to be alone because you really were a freak. 

But that was until a few weeks ago. 

Until you discovered it wasn’t the inability to burn that was the true madness - it was your ability to create fire itself. 

From there things spiraled. You learnt you weren’t the anomaly but a part of a rather large group of such circus acts - a world completely hidden from your own. In a cascade of events you were thrown into camp seventeen out of no will of your own and now, this was your life, this was your world. 

Holding your flaming hand over your redrawn sketches you glanced at them. Thanks to the two boys yet again canceling the meeting with you, you found yourself working in the library earlier than usual, exhausted by the time the sun set. As you debated between working a little more or heading back, the door opening with a slow creak made the decision for you - if it was windy outside, it was most likely going to rain and you didn’t want to stay long enough to get drenched. Quickly dousing the flame and blowing out the candles, you grabbed all your things and saw your way out. 

In the darkness, the camp was quiet as usual. You figured most of the members must’ve retired to their residences for the night and when you reached the House of Zeus, surprisingly, so had Seungcheol. 

“Y-you’re home.” You stuttered, watching the shirtless man, doing sit ups in the middle of the living room in the dim golden light of the paraffin lamps. 

Evidently Seungcheol hadn’t expected your presence so soon either because at the sound of your voice, he got up with a jerk, pulling a muscle in his abdomen. 

“Cheol oh my god-” 

“You’re early.” He got up wincing, holding the side of his trunk. “I’m sorry I should have been doing this in my room-” 

“I mean, the whole house is yours-” 

“There’s a heavy rain forecast today, not really much astronomy I can do-” 

“Yeah I came back because of the rain too-” 

“Yeah me too….” Seungcheol trailed off realising how silly he sounded. 

Grabbing his shirt from the floor, he attempted to put it on, groaning miserably at the pain shooting up his abdomen. Watching him struggle, you quickly dropped your things and tried to reach for him to help out, but just as your finger barely grazed over his skin, he stumbled back like he was electrocuted, pushing your hand away. 

“Don’t touch me.” 

“Cheol…. “ You frowned, confused. “I was just trying to help-” 

 “Seungcheol.” He corrected. “And I don’t need your help Y/n. Please just…. stay away from me.” 

You blinked at a complete loss of words at his unwarranted behaviour. Unsure about how you felt, you grabbed your bag from the floor, turned on your heel and walked out silently, the same way you came in. 

As usual, bad luck had followed you on your way out. 

Not only was your life miserable, the weather too decided to be a pain in your ass and it started drizzling the moment you stepped out of Seungcheol’s house. 

Even though the water was cold and you were shivering, you took off in the rain. You needed to get as far away from here as you could. 

You were such a fool. You should have known that Seungcheol wasn’t being nice or giving you your space, on the contrary he was keeping his distance, putting you at an arm’s length. It was evident today - not only was he uninterested, but somehow it seemed like your very presence was disturbing him in some way. 

And there was you who was always desperately wishing for the smallest interaction with him.. What an idiot. 

Hugging yourself, you walked further down the cobbled path. Tomorrow you were going to finalise your house plan with Mingyu and get out of Cheol’s house as soon as possible. But as much as you wanted to avoid him and pull yourself away, a part of you was still aching at the loss of something that you believed had a lot of potential. Why did it have to be him of all people? Why couldn’t it have been someone like Mingyu - he was hot as hell and unlike his leader, he actively showed interest in you all the time. 

As you raised your head, Mingyu’s house loomed before you and your feet, as if they had a brain of their own, took you towards his mini mansion of a residence. That was until you saw Jihoon stepping out of the same place and instinctively took a swift u-turn. 

The last person who could see you right now was Jihoon - that man would read you like an open book and know exactly how fucking embarrased you were. Hoping to god he didn’t spot you, you quickly ran, entering the nearest gate for temporary refuge, till you got out of his sight. 

But in hindsight, perhaps falling in Jihoon’s line of vision was better than the situation you had landed yourself in….. You weren’t really sure who’s house you had trespassed until the low growling expressed just how much his companion disliked it. 

Horang. 

Realising you had quite literally thrown yourself into the den of a wild cat, you froze, praying that it didn’t notice you and you could slip out as easily as you slipped in. But before you could do anything, a hand grabbed you quickly, leading you into the neighbouring cottage, shutting the door behind you. 

“Are you insane?” Soonyoung looked at you confused, shaking the water off his hair. “Why would you enter Horang’s enclosure unless you wanted to be ripped apart.” 

“I didn’t know….” You rubbed your arms, generating heat. “I was just….trying to escape the rain.” 

“You should have knocked on my door then..” He muttered, disappearing for a split second, returning with a towel in his hand. “Horang isn’t used to you yet so please don’t venture near my tiger in my absence - he only listens to me.” 

You tried not to hyperfixate on the inappropriate labeling of Horang in the off chance that an annoyed Soonyoung threw you back out. Instead, you accepted his towel, patting yourself dry, still shivering a little. With his hands on your shoulder, Soonyoung led you to the fireplace, guiding you to sit on the couch across. As you did, you glanced around his residence.

This was the first time you were in Soonyoung’s place and in all honesty, it looked much like that designated room in college dorms where all the parties happened - he had party lights everywhere, streamers hanging from the ceiling and techno music softly playing over the speakers. 

When you turned back to him, Soonyoung held out a christmas mug, with a grin. “Mulled wine.”

“I can’t.” You shook your head although in the headspace you were in, you could really use some alcohol. “I won’t be able to wake up on time tomorrow.” 

“It’s not like you’ll be on time even if you were sober.” He chuckled, immediately regretting his words as you narrowed your eyes at him. “You’re in the House of Dionysus. This is literally the only hot drink I have to offer.” 

Sighing you took it from him, desperate to have something warm coursing through your body after all that coldness you experienced earlier. 

“So, why are you out and about in the rain?” Soonyoung sank into the couch beside you, sipping a drink of his own. 

“I….just needed to be away from that house for a while.” You mumbled, taking a sip. 

“Why? Has Seungcheol gotten overbearing already?” 

“It’s not him….” 

“It’s always him.” Soonyoung sighed. “But it’s not his fault. He just has a lot of pressure on him to be perfect as a leader, you know? That sort of thing gets to you.” 

“I know. It’s just….. “ You sighed, not knowing how to explain things to him. “Forget it, I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“No, tell me.” He whined making you turn to him, finally noticing he was fully dressed from head to toe like he was about to march right into a party. 

“Are you going somewhere?” 

“Work?” Soonyoung stated like it was obvious. “Don’t tell me you forgot what I do.” 

You looked at him sheepishly. “I’ve been here for just a week Kwon and there’s thirteen of you so I’m sorry if it’s taking me some time.” 

“Forgiven.” He nodded amused. “I own the Midnight club in the city centre.” 

“Right, that big Demigod rave place.” 

“No, the Midnight club is for humans. There’s another club hidden behind it, After Hours - That’s for Demigods exclusively.” 

You let out an oh of realization as Soonyoung continued. 

“Business usually runs fine on its own but I try to drop by from time to time to just remind everyone who the boss is.” 

“I heard there’s a life size portrait of you behind the DJ booth to do the same.” 

“Obituaries are portraits too.” He rolled his eyes. “I need to let them know I am alive, kicking and always in charge.” 

You shook your head laughing. “Well then aren’t you getting late? You should probably leave by now-” 

“I don’t think I’m going.” He mumbled, downing his drink in one shot, red slowly creeping on his face. “Not in the mood.” 

Glancing at him silently, you just blinked at him. You knew guys like Soonyoung could not keep a thing in them - he would share whatever was bothering him without you even asking in three, two, on-

“The intel is that my ex is going to be there tonight.” 

“Ahh.” You crossed your feet on his couch, settling in. “And you don’t want to see her?” 

“I don’t want to see her with other men.” He gripped his mug tight. “With the news out that she’s single, guys will be falling all over her and I know she’s going to play along just to make me jealous.” 

“Well two can play that game right? You can do the same?” 

“What makes you think there are girls fawning all over me?” 

“Do you just want to hear me say you’re hot and that you could pull if you wanted to?” You cocked your head at him. “Cause I can. I have a little wine in me so I can use it as an excuse.” 

Soonyoung laughed, throwing his head back. “No I know I’m hot, but do you know who she is?” 

You shook your head, drinking up more. 

“Aphrodite’s daughter, the femme fatales of the demigod world - boys want her and girls don’t want to mess with her. No one is going to so much as look at her ex, forget trying to hit on me.” 

“Huh.” You pondered, the cogwheels in your brain turning. “Well technically, no one in the human world knows her so I’m sure one of them will-” 

“There’s no point of that. She knows I won’t go for a human.” 

“Why is that?” 

Soonyoung stared back at you a little hard before a small smirk formed on his face. “Y/n, are you a virgin?” 

You blinked, breaking out into a laugh. “I sure am drunk cause I seem to have missed why this intrusive question is relevant now?” 

Taking your empty mug from you, Soonyoung filled it up again from the pot. “What I mean is, demigods don’t sleep with humans sweetie.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because we’re half gods, do you think humans can really satisfy us?” Soonyoung raised his eyebrows. “Mortals can’t keep up with our sex drive.” 

As you looked confused, the smirk returned back to Soonyoung’ face. “Which is why I asked. If you haven’t realised that a mortal man can’t pleasure you, then either you’ve never had sex……. or you’ve never had an orgasm.” 

“I don’t have to answer that.” 

“Come on, humor me.” 

“Maybe I’m starting to get why your girlfriend dumped your annoying ass.” 

Soonyoung pouted, feigning hurt as you rolled your eyes. 

“So now if you want to get her back, you won’t be hit on by another demigod and you can’t be hit on by a human which means your only chance of making her jealous is with……” You looked at him intently. “Kwon Soonyoung, why are your eyes glimmering with mischief?” 

“You.” He took the cup from your hands and set it on the table, much to your dismay. “You’re the only one who she doesn’t know about and the only one who doesn’t know her…..” 

“So?” 

“Oh you’d be the perfect bait.” Soonyoung clapped his hands. “One look at you next to me and she’s going to be quaking in her boots.” 

“If you think I’m about to stroll into a nightclub and pretend to hit on you to make your ex girlfriend jealous you’re sorely mistaken.” 

“Why?” He whined. “Why can’t you do me a small favour. I saved you from Horong-” 

“Number one. If you didn’t pull me into your house, I would have ran out of the gate and been safe anyways-” 

“Sure.” 

“Number two, I don’t know what the hell is in this wine. Normally it takes a whole bottle to knock me down but two glasses in and I’m already buzzed-” 

“It’s a special blend.” 

“And number three, unfortunately for you, women are really observative creatures. One look at me next to you and she’s going to know there’s absolutely nothing going on between us.” 

Soonyoung opened and closed his mouth like he was thinking about what to say. “It won’t work out Kwon.” 

“This always happens.” He sighed. “She breaks it off with me for any small thing, goes on to have her fun, pushes me till I have to beg for her forgiveness and then she accepts it whenever she feels like. Everything is always whenever she feels like it. We haven’t even had sex in like two years-” 

“Okay.” You cut him off before he went into details you didn’t need to know. “If you’re so aware of what she’s doing, why do you always give in to her? Do you really like her or… is she just a habit?” 

“I don’t know.” Soonyoung stared at the floor, lost in thought. “I just know that we’ve been together since we were 18. And I can’t throw that away.” 

“I never knew you were such a romantic Kwon.” 

He laughed, sinking further into the couch. 

“You really want her back huh?” 

“I do.” 

“And this time do you want her to make the effort?” 

“A man can hope.” 

“Well then.” You turned to him. “Point number three was relevant only if she saw me…do you have your phone?” 

Soonyoung nodded, patting his many pockets and finally finding it, holding it out. 

“You're going to call and tell her you're hitting on me?”

“No…. If you give her a missed call will she call back?”

“Not immediately.” He sighed. “She'll take her time to pretend like she didn't see and then get back to me-” 

“Do it.” He continued to look at you confused. “Call her and cut the call.” 

He followed through but the frown didn't leave him the whole time. “Y/n what exactly are you doing?” 

“This may be a bit diabolical but it should do the trick.” You took a deep breath glancing at Soonyoung. “When she calls you back, she's going to hear us having sex.”

“W-what?” 

“Before you get any ideas, I'm not going to have sex with you Soonyoung, we're just going to make her think that we are.”

“How exactly will we do that?”

“We'll fake it.” You shrugged. “Make a couple of wet skin smacking sounds-” 

“and you could moan my name, say how good I'm making you feel.” 

“Didn’t you get onboard this real fast.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “I'm going to make it really clear once again that this is for her not-” 

Ring! 

At the sound of the ringtone both of you glanced at his phone and in a split second, Soonyoung picked up the call, holding it against his ear. Thankful that you got the opportunity to execute your idea so soon and determined to put up the show you promised, you immediately got to it, clearing your throat.

“Fuck yes Soonyoung, that feels so good-” 

With widened eyes and a swift movement, Soonyoung shut your mouth with his hand, shaking his head. 

“Yeah, yeah I remember…..Oh no that was just…. our cow?…..Yes Daisy, she's just having a rough night….. Anyways thanks for the reminder Hyungwon.”

You stared at him mortified, all the wine threatening to exit your system. 

“Yeah sure, see you tomorrow bro.”

Soonyoung brought down both the phone and his hand at the same time. 

“Oh god I’m so sorry, I thought it was-” 

“That’s your idea of having sex??” He looked at you shocked. “Thank god it wasn’t Mina because there was no way in hell she would have believed that?” 

“Hey, I had no preparation time, you try faking it off the bat.” You mumbled. “Besides, it wasn’t so bad.” 

“Wasn’t so bad?” Soonyoung looked scandalised. “Do you even know what you sounded like? Fuck yes Soonyoung, that feels good-” 

You leaned back inching away from him. 

“What the…..what was that?” 

“That's what you said.” 

“I know but” You frowned unsure if you heard right or if you were starting to get too drunk. “You sounded exactly like me. Like your voice, it….it was mine.” 

“Oh.” Soonyoung scratched the back of his head. “Yeah well um being the son of the God of Theater comes with its own skill set. Imitation helps confuse opponents during war - it has actually saved us in quests many times.”

“You can imitate anyone?”

Soonyoung nodded.

“Any sound they make?”

He nodded again as you let out a low whistle. 

“Well that's brilliant, then you don't even need me. You can make your girlfriend jealous by simply impersonating me.” 

“The keyword is imitate. I can only repeat sounds I hear, I can't just make them up.” He shifted in his seat. “So if I should impersonate you, I need to hear what you actually sound like during sex.” 

You rolled your eyes. “Don't push your luck Kwon.”

“I'm kidding.” He laughed leaning back into the couch, his eyes fluttering shut. “But you really have to work on the faking.” 

“Yeah I've been told.” You muttered as Soonyoung sat up again.

“Aha, so you have never had an orgasm!” 

“Because of a man, no I've not.” You confessed. “But bold of you to assume that I'm not perfectly capable of my own.”

Soonyoung looked confused. 

“Ever heard of masturbation, genius?” 

Soonyoung's mouth formed an O of realisation. “Well I've been in a relationship for almost 10 years so I've never had to take care of myself.”

“Don't rub it on my face Kwon.” You scoffed but regretted immediately knowing some dirty joke was going to come out of the man. So shutting his mouth with your hand, you held a finger to your lips. “Not a word. You're going to shut up till your girlfriend calls back.”

“That could be a very very long time.” He mumbled against your hand making you press it harder against his mouth with a shush. 

5 minutes later you were on your fourth mug of wine and Mina still hadn't called. 

10 minutes later, you were nearly falling asleep and Soonyoung was already snoring away beside you. 

15 minutes later the sound of the rain began to get softer outside. 

And 20 minutes later was when you finally lost your patience, shaking Soonyoung awake. 

“It’s getting late, I should go….” 

Soonyoung looked up at you sleepily as you got off the couch, standing up. 

“You should.….. I’m sorry, I shouldn't have roped you into this” He glanced at the blank screen on his phone. “Clearly Mina is either too busy having fun on her own or she doesn’t care.” 

You smiled at him sadly, as he pulled his feet up, snuggling into the couch. 

“I'm so sorry.” You whispered. “Goodnight Kwon.” 

“Goodnight sweetie.”

Setting the mug down, you grabbed your bag and opened his front door, relieved that the rain seemed to have stopped. But something was also stopping you from stepping out. 

Giving it a thought and sighing, you turned around, looking at the half asleep man again. 

“You said you could imitate me right?” 

Soonyoung's eyes slowly fluttered open.  

“So if you listen to how I actually sound, if and when she calls back, you can execute the plan on your own right?”

Soonyoung looked at you in a mix of confusion, drunkenness and sleepiness.

“Are you saying that…”

“No, I'm not going to sleep with you Kwon Soonyoung.”

“But you're horrible at faking.” 

“Yet again I'm going to remind you about masturbation.” 

You sighed, looking at his eternally lost expression. Grabbing his hand, you pulled him off the couch, leading him to his room. 

Soonyoung's room was just how you expected it to be - a mess. There were things scattered everywhere, all kinds of band posters up on the wall, snack wrappers all over the floor. 

He quickly kicked the trash under his bed and looked at you pleadingly. “You cannot tell Mingyu how messy my room is. And you most definitely cannot tell Seungcheol I'm snacking - he does not understand post break up slump.”

You gritted your teeth annoyed to be reminded of him again. Of course he didn't understand anything remotely related to feelings.

“Don't worry, no one's gonna know anything because you too are going to keep your mouth shut about whatever happens tonight.” 

“I still don't know what's happening tonight.” He mumbled as you walked around his room, glancing at everything. 

“I'm going to get myself off and you're going to listen and take notes.” Soonyoung's eyes finally widened in realisation.“Do you have a towel?” 

He nodded, quickly going through the stack of clothes piled on the chair across his bed and pulled out a long white one. Taking it from him you laid it down on his bed, the two of you staring at it mindlessly. 

“Could you also close the curtains?” You fidgeted with your fingers, putting your bag down at the foot of his bed as Soonyoung nodded. “Also dim the lights please.”

Following through your requests he tried not to look at you as you stripped out of your jacket and threw it on the bed. But when you unclasped your bra and pulled it out from under your shirt, Soonyoung was quite literally gawking. 

“I’m hot.” You mumbled as he walked back, standing much closer to you than he was before. 

“Yeah you are…. I mean,” He cleared his throat when you raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah it's a little hot in here.” 

Both of you tried to ignore the sound of cold raining softly falling against the window. 

“On second thoughts,” You took a step back. “I don’t know if I can do this.” 

“W-why not?” 

“If you haven’t noticed I am buzzed as hell and I’m not sure I can do…. a great job on myself right now.” 

Lips slowly curling into a smile, Soonyoung cocked his head. “I can help.” 

“Yes and I can finally use all that combat training and kick your ass. Soonyoung I am not sleeping with-” 

“What? No, no I mean….. just wait here.” 

Your eyes followed him as he jogged out of his room, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You must be crazy to suggest this. Sure there was alcohol in your system and sure you were trying to get your mind off Seungcheol, avoiding going back to his house but this…..

“Here you go.” 

Soonyoung strolled back in with what you could only describe as a wooden looking, very phallic instrument. 

“That’s…” 

He nodded. “A dildo.” 

“I have so many questions.” 

“Let me clarify. Yes I have used a dildo before-” 

“Oh god.” 

“- Although my girlfriend isn’t the biggest fan of it-” 

“This wasn’t my question.” 

“-I do occasionally enjoy it myself.” 

“I don’t think I should be a part of this conversation.” 

“But this dildo in particular, has never been used by either of us before.” 

“That!” You pointed out. “That’s all I needed to know.” 

Soonyoung held it out to you, looking at you expectantly. You gulped. 

“You know, I don’t think I can do this. I’m actually more of a vibrator girl myself.” 

“Now who’s indulging in the TMI?” 

You rolled your eyes. “My point is, I don’t need this, I can just do it myself-” 

“I haven’t even gotten to the story behind this.” He giggled. “This is my father’s.” 

“Aaaand I’m done here.” 

“No what I mean is-” He shuffled closer to you like he was revealing a big secret. “My father may be the god of wine and ecstasy and madness and theatre and so many things but he is also…. the creator of the dildo.” You stared at him vacantly. What?? “I don’t think you wanna know the story behind it, it’s disturbing as fuck-” 

“More disturbing than everything so far?” 

“-but basically, a few years back, my father was temporarily exiled from Olympus and while he was in the human world, he had, what he calls, a magnificent business idea….sex toys. Dildo’s in particular. That’s when he made this.” He held it up and you wished he did it a little less proudly. “This isn’t an ordinary dildo Y/n, no. This baby can take on the shape, size, dimensions and every single tiny detail” He gave a dramatic pause. “Of the person you are imagining while going at it.”

“W-what?” You blinked at him stumped. “You mean to say it…. morphs into a replica of someone’s actual dick?” 

Soonyoung nodded fast. “This piece is a prototype that Dionysus made but when he brought the idea to Zeus it was shut down immediately because Gods aren’t supposed to interfere with human business and all that hoo ha, so he left it with me before he returned home.” With a small smile dancing on his lips, he held it out to you. “So if you want, it's all yours.” 

You stared at it. 

A magic dildo that could take the shape of any dick you wanted? 

You would have to be insane to say no to that. 

Pretending to hesitate just so you didn’t come across completely deranged, you slowly took the toy off Soonyoung’s hand, feeling the weight of it in your own. As you tried to picture how exactly this night might go, Soonyoung took a few steps back, grabbed a fistful of the material behind his neck and pulled his shirt over his head. 

“What?” He smirked as your eyes ran down his chiseled body, mouth moving but no words leaving it. “Didn’t you say it was hot?” 

As Soonyoung moved all the clothes stacked on the chair to the floor and sat down, you watched as the minor oversights in your plan came into play. If he had to take notes,  then Kwon Soonyoung was going to watch you. 

Tongue in the cheek, you glanced around the room, thanking all the gods in Olympus when you spotted a lacy blindfold hanging on the headboard. Without questioning its existence in his room, you quickly grabbed it and threw it at him.

“The deal was for audio Kwon, no visuals.” 

In complete contrast to his hot as fuck appearance he pouted like a child as you shook your head and looked at the blindfold pointedly. Sighing, he reached for it and put it over his eyes, tying it behind his hand. Not trusting him entirely, you walked up to him, slotting yourself between his legs and pulled the knot. Soonyoung’s hands gripped your thighs in both surprise and pain. 

“Sorry.” He mumbled, fingers softly grazing your legs as he pulled his hands away. “I promise, I can’t see a thing.” 

You nodded, then realised he said he couldn’t see and cleared your throat. “Yeah, okay.” 

“Okay.” He breathed, leaning back, waiting expectantly. 

Taking a few seconds, you let out a deep determined breath, preparing yourself for what was coming. As you unbuttoned your jeans, shimmying both your shorts and underwear down your legs, your eyes finally took a good look at the man of the hour, Kwon Soonyoung. Yeah he was one of the members who often trained shirtless which meant you had seen this display many times before but this was perhaps the first time you were actually paying attention to it. Before this, you hadn’t quite realised just how beautifully tanned and toned he was or how much that undercut suited him or how hot he looked biting his lower lip. 

Kicking your garments away, you pried your eyes, reminding yourself that this man was taken. Or at least would be taken again pretty soon. You shouldn’t do this. You shouldn’t be looking at him, you shouldn’t be thinking about him and he sure as fuck cannot be the inspiration for your new magic sex toy. 

That unfortunately meant that there was only one other person in your mind who could be the muse - Choi Seungcheol. Despite his dismissal earlier and despite being someone who held herself as a very high level of self respect, it was evident that your body shamelessly still craved him - he was the only one running in your mind. Trying to block him out, you arranged the pillows on Soonyoung’s bed against the headboard, adjusted the towel and slowly climbed on. In all the time that you took leaning against it, spreading your legs and settling in, Soonyoung remained incredibly quiet. Patient. 

Although he couldn’t see you, watching him felt weird, given the man and the dick on your mind were not him. Sighing, you glanced at the object you were gripping - it had already taken shape of what you desired and the sight of it made you gulp. 

Lord was Choi Seungcheol thick.

Given his beefy exterior and broad build you had always assumed he was packed between his legs but this was nowhere near what you were imagining, not even close. Earlier, you were worried how you would get yourself off when you weren’t even wet enough but now you were practically dripping with the thought of that inside you. Still, you didn’t think it could fit, not without any prep. 

Slipping two fingers in your mouth you wet them messily before guiding them to your folds, smearing the spit with your very evident arousal. When you let out a soft sigh, Soonyoung shifted in his seat like he was alert and when your fingers teased your hole, slowly slipping in, an unintentional moan left you too, making him practically grip the armrests of his couch tight. 

“I'm going to need more than that Y/n.” He whispered. “What are you doing right now?” 

“I’m prepping myself, it’s…” You gulped. “It’s too big.” 

“Do you need lube?” He frowned. “Although I don’t know where it is….or if I even have any-” 

“That’s okay.” You shook your head. “I think I’m wet enough. Almost.” 

“Do you need any help?” 

You glanced at his tense body. “How can you help?” 

“Are you the kind that listens to instructions?”

“Occasionally.” 

“Then push your fingers further.” He exhaled. “Curl them up.” 

Although that was what was on your mind anyways, you obeyed. As your fingers brushed that spot, a soft fuck escaped your lips. 

“Feel good?” 

“Yeah.” You nodded. “Yeah that’s good.”

“Then move.” He cocked his head. “Slowly at first, then pick up speed.” 

Even before he finished his sentence you had followed through, fingers pumping faster, head falling back as the grip around the dildo in your hand tightened. 

“Add another finger.” 

“This feels good enough.” 

“This will feel better.” He urged. “Stretch yourself a little and add another finger.” 

Scissoring yourself open, you held back the moan that was threatening to tumble out, terrified Soonyoung would hear you. Belatedly you realised - Soonyoung was supposed to hear you. 

“Fuck that does feel better.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Are you ready for more?” 

“.......I think so.” 

“Then wet the dildo.” He shifted. “Put it in your mouth.” 

Hesitating just a bit you brought it up to your eye level, still taken aback by its sheer girth. In the dim light of the lamp on the nightstand you can see a stark vein running along his length, the sight of it nearly making your mouth water. Oh you wanted him to fill your mouth, you wanted him to fill you just about anywhere so bad but it was clear from earlier that Seungcheol didn’t want the same. So you were just going to take this chance and fuck him out of your brain. After tonight you were not going to think of Choi Seungcheol anymore. 

Determined, you wrapped your mouth around the tip, humming against the weight on your tongue before pulling it out with a wet pop. As Soonyoung’s breath hitched, you sunk your mouth down on it again, taking it further in, not far enough to let it hit the back of your throat, but enough to just slightly choke around it, drool running down the corner of your mouth. 

“Y/n,” Soonyoung’s voice sounded almost choked too. “Please….” 

You’ve never had a man beg for you like this before and it wasn’t enough to touch him but to touch yourself? Something in you swelled in pride, but something was also terrified about what things would be like once this was over - could you and Soonyoung really be the same again? And if things were going to change, how would they be? 

“Sweetie, you have to do something….” 

Knowing you needed something in you more than he did, you drove the thoughts away before aligning the tip at your dripping hole and slowly pushing Seungcheol’s girth in. 

“Holy shit..” You sighed as you thrusted his length further, the stretch serving a sting that slowly ebbed from pain to pleasure. 

“Is it all the way in?” Soonyoung groaned as you shook your head gulping.

“It’s not…” You panted, glancing down to see barely any length disappearing in you yet you were so full. “I can’t.”

“You can.” He licked his drying lips. “You can Y/n, come on - fuck yourself like you want to be fucked.” 

Yes you knew Soonyoung had a horrible habit of pointless flirting but you did not think his mouth was capable of spewing such filth too. 

“Tell me how you like it.” 

“Deep.” You whimpered, answering him as you shoved it in more, feeling it hit all the right places. “I like it deep.” 

“And fast?” 

“And fast.” 

“Then move.” 

And you did, pulling it out, pistoning it into you, sharp intakes of breath and curse words leaving you as you did. You felt your eyes roll back, threatening to shut but when they landed on Soonyoung they widened - he had slid down his chair, manspread now a lot wider and stark against his pants was the imprint of his uncomfortably trapped boner.

“Soonyoung….” You accidentally moaned, simply trying to get his attention. “Are you… hard?” 

“Unbearably.” He confessed immediately. “I’m s-sorry, it’s been a while-” 

“Do you want to touch yourself?”

You don’t know why exactly you asked him that but you wanted him to feel good too. Just as good as faux Seungcheol was making you feel. 

“I think I can cum without that.” He half laughed, half groaned. “But god yes I want to.”

“Do it.” You directed him, halting your own movements, watching him. “Touch yourself.” 

Without wasting a second, Soonyoung instantly unbuttoned his pants and stuck his hand down, wrapping it around his erection. As he shifted uncomfortably, you could tell he would’ve felt a lot better if he could completely free himself.

“Careful. Otherwise I’ll see you…I mean it…” 

“Do you mind?” He raised his eyebrows at you. “Would it bother you if I….” 

If you were being honest, since the moment you laid eyes on the outline of his dick you were curious…

“No.” You shook your head. “I don’t.” 

“Then I don’t give a flying fuck.” 

He raised his hips a little, just enough to pull down his pants as his erection sprung free, resting against his abs, pink and flushed. 

Oh he was long. 

Seungcheol might be thick but Soonyoung was long, like he could reach places no one else could. As he spat in his hand and smeared the pre cum along his length pumping it in his fist, you gulped, forgetting that you too were in the middle of doing the same thing, just staring. 

“Y/n,” He moaned your name, throwing his head back, setting off a strange fire in your groin. “Match my pace.” 

You nodded, thankful to not have to put your own brain to this which was threatening to shut off any moment now. Watching him half lidded, you let him set the pace for your movements, matching him almost perfectly. 

“Fuck this feels so good.” Soonyoung whimpered. 

“It does.” You agreed, with struggling breaths. “Soonyoung please…. Faster.” 

“Faster?” He smirked, but listened. “You really are one of us huh.” 

“I need more.” You whined, feeling yourself at an edge you were just not able to cross. “Soonyoung….” 

“I wish I could help, baby.” He sighed, “I really do wish…” 

“What would you have done?” 

“I’d have my mouth everywhere…marked your neck…. marked those pretty breasts….fuck Y/n, you’d have to beg me to stop.” 

“Don’t.” You moaned, pushing your shirt up with your free hand, grabbing a tit, squeezing it painfully hard. “Tell me more…” 

“I’d hold the toy for you, watch you fuck yourself on it….” He stroked himself faster, almost erratically. “Maybe give it to you from the back so I can see how your ass-” 

Groaning annoyed at the sound of music coming loudly from his pocket, your movements faltered, eyes widening. It was different from the ringtone earlier which probably meant-

“Is that Mina?” 

“Yeah.” 

“P-pick it up Soonyoung.” 

“Ignore it.” 

“Soon-” 

“Ignore it.” He emphasized. “Go on Y/n, I don’t know how long the effects of that toy are going to last.” 

And that’s what made you stop wondering why Soonyoung wouldn’t pick up the call when this was in fact the most ideal situation the two of you were meant to be caught in. You didn’t want to lose what you were pumping inside you, you didn’t want to lose the feeling of Seungcheol stretching you out. As you resumed the pace, Soonyoung’s voice left him like a croak. 

“Do you like the thought of this? Someone listening to you get off?” 

You didn’t want to answer that. Wasn’t the kind of things you liked evident by the fact that you were fucking yourself to one man while watching and listening to another? 

“Because I love that you’re watching.” He whispered. “It’s driving me insane.” 

“I wanna see you cum.” You pulled the toy out of you, tossing it onto the towel before your fingers found your clit rubbing circles hard.

“Fuck I'm close.” He pumped himself faster, losing rhythm, broken moans and whimpers leaving him. “So close.”

Words left your mouth too as incoherent babbles as you felt your back arch and insides tighten pleasurably. Eyes crossing and shut tight, you finally came, chest heaving, trying to catch a breath. As you slowly came around and ran your fingers down your folds realising just how much you came, Soonyoung continued to push himself over the edge, like he just needed a little more nudge to finally find his release. Gulping you swung your legs off the bed and silently walked up to him, standing between his manspread, leaning till your lips were right by his ear. 

“Cum for me Soonyoung.” 

Almost immediately, with a guttural moan, his head fell back, baring his neck as spurts of cum shot onto his hand and torso, painting them white. Once the sheer amount left him he finally slumped back into his chair, breathing again, like he had been holding it in for too long. The sight of his cum all over his abs against the sheen of sweat on it made you clench unwillingly and you ran two fingers over it, collecting it. You knew his lips parted to catch his breath but you took the chance to slip your digits into his mouth, letting him taste himself. Surprised but not unpleasantly, Soonyoung ran his tongue along them, licking it clean, pulling away with a pop.

“You taste as good as you sound.” 

It's only then that you realise your own arousal was coating your fingers too. 

Scoffing awkwardly, you shuffled back, picking up your shorts and panties from the floor, putting them on slowly.  

“I'm not dressed yet!” You shrieked, futilely trying to cover yourself as Soonyoung attempted to remove his blindfold. Holding his hand up, he allowed you to get dressed in the silence that followed. Silence that was too much to bear, silence that if he hadn’t broken, you would have. 

“I wasn't sure if I heard right but I thought…” He let out a deep breath as he tucked his flaccid self back in his pants. “I thought you took someone's name as you came.” 

You froze. 

You hadn't realised but now that you thought about it…. maybe, just maybe, you had taken Seungcheol’s name as your orgasm hit you. Yes you were incredibly turned on by Soonyoung and the sight of him and the sounds that left him but there was only one thing running at the back of your mind - cheol, cheol, cheol. 

“I'm not sure what you heard.” You brushed away his concerns, trying to sound casual. “I don't even know what I was saying, I was in some other zone entirely.” 

Soonyoung hummed in response and didn't push you for any further details. Grateful, you wiped your hands on the towel laid out before grabbing it, the bedsheet as well as the dildo and stuffed them all in your bag, throwing it over your shoulder - this was your mess to deal with.

“You done?” 

“Yeah just….put fresh sheets please.” 

“Oh don't worry about all that.” He got up, attempting to take his blindfold yet again. “I got it. If you want you could-” 

“Goodbye Soonyoung.” You stepped back, knowing he was offering for you to stay the night. Instead you headed for the door, hoping to leave before your eyes met his again. “I hope I was of help.” 

And as you left, you heard him sigh, revealing something he probably didn't mean for you to hear. 

“I don't think so Y/n.”

—

When you left Soonyoung’s house the rain had stopped but as you stood in the dining hall before the laundry machines the storm had returned yet again, much heavier this time. You glanced outside the windows at the obscurity sighing. It was like things just hated being in your favour. 

When the ding of the washer went off, you shifted the sheets into the dryer and decided to leave it there for the night considering you couldn't carry them back in the rain - you’d deal with them in the morning anyways, you weren’t ready to see Soonyoung just yet.

When you grabbed your bag from the floor, the weight had not reduced much - the dildo was still in it except it was back in its original popsicle-like shape, any trace of its resemblance to Seungcheol lost. You'd simply washed it and put it back in the bag, unsure what else to do with it. A part of you was annoyed that it had taken after Seungcheol of all people but the other was terrified that if you were to ever use it again, it would probably still model after him yet again. 

Disappointed with yourself you took a deep breath and shook your head. No. No more Choi Seungcheol. This ends here. 

Glancing at the machines one last time, you held onto your bag and ran out into the rain, hoping that Seungcheol had retired to his room by the time you reached. Instead, just as you approached the House of Zeus, you heard his voice. 

“Y/n!” 

He was drenched from head to toe, his blonde hair sticking to his face much like his shirt plastered against his pecs, like he had been soaked in the rain for hours. Letting out a struggled breath, you walked straight into his house, ignoring him. Seungcheol jogged over as fast as he could, putting himself in between you and the doors. 

“Y/n please listen to me-” 

“I don’t want to.” You attempted to go around him, only to be blocked by him again. 

“I just want to explain what happened earlier-” 

“I don’t care enough for an explanation.”

“I do!” 

You rolled your eyes as you pushed him away, a lot less gently than you intended to and Seungcheol immediately caught your hand, pulling you towards him.

“Seungcheol-” 

“You…. you can touch me.” He looked at his fingers wrapped around your wrist in awe, then at your palm flat against his chest.

“Didn’t you say you didn’t want me to-” 

“You shouldn’t be able to.” He muttered like he was amazed, unable to tear his eyes away. “How can you….” 

“Seungcheol, you're not making any sense.” 

He let out a deep breath. “Do you remember when you first came to camp we told you that every demigod has a certain set of offensive and defensive powers depending on their parentage?” 

You nodded, frowning.

“As the son of Zeus, my defensive power is….an electric field.” Oh. “At times like war, or in adrenaline driven situations, I become highly charged, rendering anyone who so much as comes two feet near me electrocuted. It's supposed to be a way to weaken enemies.” He sighed, “That’s why I was afraid of you touching me. I didn’t want you to get hurt.” 

“But…..Seungcheol I’m not an enemy and this isn’t a war-” 

“I get nervous around you.” He avoided your eye. “I don’t know, I just….. I can feel my skin prickling around you but……” He glanced at where your hands met his again. “You don’t feel anything?” 

“No, no I don’t but why do I make you nervous?” 

Seungcheol smiled softly. “Do you really not know?” 

You suppressed the grin forming on your own face. Fucking finally. 

“No.” You shook your head feigning innocence. “Tell me.” 

“Can I show you?” 

Maybe you nodded a bit too eagerly, because Seungcheol chuckled, pushing himself up against the door, pulling you along with him. As your body pressed against his, his hands found your waist, gaze darkening. He leaned in, lips hovering over yours, whispering your name softly, like he loved the sound of it. As your breaths mingled, lightning went off behind you, the silver light illuminating his gorgeous face and all its sharp angles. Just as you moved closer, eyes fluttering shut, Seungcheol cleared his throat. 

“Y/n I’m sorry, I forgot that it’s late and we have training at 4 tomorrow.” He muttered, drawing his hands away. “You should sleep. I can’t excuse your lateness everyday.” 

And yet again Choi Seungcheol left you completely baffled as he opened the door behind him and walked in, away from you. 

Next Chapter

a/n - please send me your thoughts - this kind of writing is waaaay out of my comfort zone, I need to know I'm not completely messing shit up and if I missed you in the taglist, please lmk!

[chososcamgirl]

HIIIHIIHIII GOOD EVENING (i have a feeling you’re going to answer this at night so that’s why i said evening😋) BUT HOW ARE YOUUU

today i went out by myself cuz my mom was saying how i never leave the house and go out unless it’s school😡(she’s right tho..) so i decided to go to the dollar store and i got some yarn!! i feel like i’m probs saying this cuz i’m kinda new at knitting and crocheting since i started a few months ago but i genuinely can’t really tell the difference between dollar store yarn and like more expensive yarn?? idk if that’s just me tho.. IM ALSO STARTING TO SEE A DIFFERENCE IN MY SKIN!!! i have a love hate relationship with accutane.. ANYWAYS after i was walking home i saw one of my moms friends with her toddler AND OMG?? her daughter looks so grown now😭 i haven’t seen her in a year and now the little girl is already 4😞😞 and then once i actually got home i crocheted a star coaster and gave one to my mom!! and i also crocheted a green sqaure and gave it to my dad even tho it’s just a basic sqaure💔evb says how crocheting is harder than knitting but i find crocheting easier.. STILL LOVE KNITTING THO!!! i was wondering if you australians actually pronounce “no” and “so” as naurrr and saurrr😭 i am so sorry omg.. while i was halfway into typing about my day i was taking my pill and i choked on it😞

OKAY ENOUGB OF ME TALKINGN I HOPE YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY/NIGHT

-🪼

UR CORRECT 🪼 ANON! it is currently 1:16 am and my eyes hurt like hell but WE BALL🔥 IM GOOD! was a chill day 2day so very relaxing🙂‍↕️ HBY!?

oh so real when i was in school i never went out besides work or going to school😭 i feel u 😓 also i still can’t get over that you knit and crochet that is SO COOL also THE YARN THING LMFAO maybe the quality? idk i’ve never knitted in my life don’t listen to me HELP. AW YAY FOR SKIN!!! so happy 4 u. i hope the side effects aren’t too bad <3 KIDS GROW UP SO FAST like 5 months could go by without you seeing them and suddenly they’re spitting fully formed sentences like what? excuse me who are you.. THE COASTERS ARE SO CUTE AND FUN OMG pls. i must learn to do either one day.. LMFAO i don’t think my accent is very strong bc ppl say i sound british (i just have a quiet voice) but yes we drag on the last syllable😭 THANK YEW! I ALWAYS ENJOY READING UR ASKS <33 YOU TOO ANGEL!!

[brunosrat]

Clarity, pt 1

masterlist | next pairing: percy jackson x masc!oc

ages: percy and finn are 15-16

summary: finn lincoln showed up to camp half-blood one late june night, drenched in blood and dirt, cuts more than 1/2inch deep covering his body, begging for help. chiron, knowing finn was special in some way, took him into camp. then for reasons unknown to anyone, he assigned percy to keep him company.

warnings? (counts for the entire series, some may not apply now but will apply later and vice versa): percy is fluent in swearing, others swear too, inappropriate jokes, a lot of mentions of blood and gross mushy inside stuff, vivid descriptions(?) of gross and sad stuff, very angsty, hurt/comfort, will probably make you cry, death, doesn't really follow the plot of the books cuz it has my own plot, friends to lovers type shit, idiots to lovers type shit too, will HOPEFULLY be updated, NO HAPPY ENDING!!!

word count: 1.3k

It was late one June night when Percy was shaken awake with such intensity he felt his whole bed move violently.

"Percy!"

His eyes fluttered open slightly, his brain still not awake.

"What the hell- Annabeth?" Percy did not expect one of his best-friends to be standing next to his bedside at 2 AM, practically yelling for him.

"What do you want?"

"Chiron needs us in the infirmary. He says it's urgent," Annabeth responded, her voice laced with concern and urgency.

Percy didn't have much time to react before Annabeth was pulling him out of his bed. Her hand grasped firmly on his arm, half pulling him along as he stumbled out of Cabin 3. It later occurred to him that he had no shoes or socks on and was just walking barefoot in the slightly damp grass.

It took them a moment to reach the infirmary, but when they did, they immediately saw what Chiron meant. What they saw first was all the bustling activity. People rushing around the room with needles and gauze, water and ambrosia, and varying other items.

The next thing they noticed was a person, laying on the bed, their eyes slits from fading in and out of consciousness. Them and their clothes were covered in blood. Deep, crimson stains made their clothes stick to their skin like glue. Whatever skin you could see was covered in cuts, bruises, and heavy amounts of dirt.

They looked deathly pale. As in, their skin had lost most of its coloring and their lips had turned a shade of blueish-purple. Their dark hair stuck to their head in wet chunks, like some of it was heavily matted while the rest laid soaking wet.

Percy had no idea if this kid was still alive. Even if he was, how the fuck?

"Oh my gods..." Annabeth muttered, her voice low with shock.

Percy didn't really know what to say or do. He was fully awake now, but that did not mean he knew what the best course of action was.

"What happened?" Percy asked. His voice too was low.

"We don't know," Will stated as he rushed between a tray and this person's beside, "All we know is that Chiron woke up to screaming coming from Thalia's tree. When he got there, he saw him and immediately called for anyone who could help to help."

Percy noticed that Will, like himself, was still wearing his PJs, which consisted of the normal Apollo Cabin wear (a band t-shirt and flannel pants). He looked pretty tired, but that was not stopping him from doing whatever he could for this random boy.

"What can I do to help?"

⚝

It was early into the morning before they got the boy stabilized enough. Percy had not been the only one who wondered how he was still alive. Apparently, according to Will, he had wounds over an inch deep in some areas and burns bordering on 3rd degree in others. His heart rate had been so low they wondered how it hadn't stopped all together.

But thankfully, there he laid in a fresh pair of clothes, unconsciousness and very wounded, but still alive.

Percy sat with Chiron at the end of his bed. They sat in silence, Chiron deep in thought while Percy watched the boy carefully. He didn't seem to think it was creepy in anyway, he was more in thought than anything.

And there was something about him that pulled Percy in.

"Percy," Chiron finally spoke, "You and I know very well that this boy is a demi-god, just like everyone else here."

"Yes sir," Percy responded simply.

"And in my time here at Camp, I have seen a lot of demi-gods arrive in terrible condition. But this... This is something else."

Percy listened, his eyes shifting from the dark haired boy in the bed to the tall centaur.

"I need you to watch him. To stick with him. To keep him company and keep him safe."

Percy paused, his mind processing the words. "So do you want me to be his bodyguard?"

Chiron chuckled slightly. "No Percy, I mean more like a friend."

Percy liked to make friends at Camp. The people (most of them) were pretty nice to him and liked to hang out when they got the chance. So why should this be any different?

"Yeah sure. I mean, I guess I don't mind that."

Chiron smiled warmly, his hand patting Percy's shoulder. "Thank you."

And just like that, Chiron left, leaving Percy alone with the boy in the small infirmary room.

Percy had no idea what to do from there. It was 6:30 AM, the sun had risen, casting a beautiful array of colors across the land. He was alone with someone he didn't know and who was completely unconsciousness. And of course he was absolutely exhausted.

He didn't want to leave the boy by himself. So, he sat back down in one of the plush chairs and closed his eyes, letting himself fall into a light sleep.

⚝

"Hello?"

Percy shot up, completely forgetting where he was or what was happening. That was of course until he saw the boy, laying in his hospital bed. This time however, his eyes were open, revealing a beautiful chocolate brown.

"Oh! Hi!" Percy exclaimed, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hand. "Uh- I'm Percy. Percy Jackson. Uh- what's your name?" He smiled as he spoke.

"Finn. My name is Finn."

"Finn. Finn. Got it," Percy repeated, engraining it into his memory. "How are you feeling?"

"Like absolute shit," Finn said with a slight chuckle. He looked down slightly, noticing his different pair of clothes. "They took my fucking clothes!"

"Yeah, they did. They had to change them out because they were kind of covered in blood and dirt," Percy responded lightheartedly and with a smile.

"Does that mean they saw my ass?"

"Unfortunately yes."

"Damn."

Even though it hurt, Finn couldn't help but smile and laugh. Percy couldn't help it either. Finn's laugh was contagious.

Once the laughter had died down, they looked at each other, a sense of seriousness passing over them.

"What happened?" Percy questioned, leaning forward to rest against his legs.

Memories seemed to pass over Finn's eyes as the question replayed in his head. He remained silent for a long moment before answering.

"I... I don't know."

"The fuck you mean?"

"I mean that I don't understand it. It's just all so much and I feel like if I talk about it it will all come crashing in on me."

"Oh." Percy paused for a moment. He looked at Finn, who stared down at his own fidgeting hands. For a brief moment, Percy could see tears in Finn's eyes before he turned away, blocking Percy's view.

"When... when stuff started happening to me and when shit eventually hit the fan, I had no clue what to do. I was lost. I was really scared. But, y'know, I found people who knew exactly what I was going through. People who had experienced nearly the exact same things as me. And that did not solve the issues, but it at least gave me a sense of... what's the word? longing? yeah. It gave me a sense of longing. And suddenly I wasn't so lost."

Slowly, Finn turned his head toward Percy, who could see the evidence of tears on his face. There was a moment of silence, before Finn smiled and spoke.

"That's really poetic."

"Thank you. I'm glad my trauma has made you feel better with its poeticness."

Percy smiled. As the two smiled, Finn couldn't help but notice how beautiful Percy looked with his smile and those sea-green eyes.

Maybe things wouldn't be so bad.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, JULY 30, 1995 I got caught up on my sleep but woke up too soon this morning tight and wheezy. Luckily, with Tom wacking my back and some coffee, it got under control fast enough. Then I went back to sleep.

Dr. Rausch is now my primary doctor. I haven’t had any Theodur in almost 48 hours! I feel great. He told me to up the dosages on both of the inhalers to curb the inflammation and the too many white blood cells which they now believe causes adult asthma. Along with irritants like cigarettes, too. I probably won’t have to see Dr. Rausch again for 4-5 months.

Earlier I asked Tom point-blank if he was not having sex with me to punish me. After being with him for this long, and if our relationship were to be platonic from here on out, I could get by for the bulk of the time. I love him too much to leave him and I guess this is why the one-sided sex we’ve always had bothers me so much. I love him so much that I want to get him off, not just make him hard. His being so against a kid makes me feel not good enough for him sexually. I know that the bottom line, though, is that if he’s so dead set against cumming, then I can’t change that no matter how I am in bed.

Anyway, I’d have preferred to have had our own kid, but here’s a note I left him anyway.

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to write all these thoughts/questions down for you while they were fresh in my head. Well, as you know, in my honest opinion and belief I’ve never seen any reason to believe that I can ever get pregnant. Therefore, I figured I could do 1 of 2 things.

Never have one of our own.

Adopt a teenager who’s going through the same BS with the system I went through.

My big questions are - would they let someone with a record adopt? Would they let us adopt with an income of under 40 grand a year? Would they let us adopt with only one income and with the fact that I’m not working out of the house? Well, if you’re interested in discussing this and like this idea, I think we should check into it as soon as there’s time cuz I’ve heard that it takes years to adopt. Especially older kids and I believe thoroughly, strongly, and truly that this will be our only chance to have a kid. It hurts and I didn’t want it to go this way, but if I can save some other poor girl from the hell I went through, I’m willing to do whatever I can. I feel I owe you, my family, and God this much.

Later…

My guess is that Tom will be totally psyched about the idea. If he’ll do anything about it is another. I was always against the idea of adopting, but feelings do change and when you want a kid, you want a kid. Why it takes so long to adopt, beats me. Are there really that many other victims of sterility out there?

To try out the new colored pencils I got, I not only decorated envelopes, but I drew a girl in the weirdest and strangest way ever. Not only does her hair have many colors but she’s got different colored eyes, eyebrows, eyelashes, etc. It actually looks kind of cool, though.

We went out to Denny’s today and to Office Max. He got some disks, mailers, and labels for the business. I got two blue pens and was bummed cuz they were out of their boxes of multicolored ones. Precise, the brand I use, makes blue, black, red, green and purple. They have 4-packs of blue, black, red and green, but were out. I also got clear plastic folders (100 of them) to put my drawings in to protect them. We got a paper cutter. Two super balls to play with in the pool as the one I had got lost.

He also picked up brackets to make another table for the back room. That way we can de-clutter the desks and the floor. I’ve been helping him sort tools, resistors, etc.

I picked up cards for Tammy’s birthday and my parent’s anniversary. Believe it or not, I kind of felt it unfair of me not to send my nephew Larry a birthday card, so I made him one earlier.

I typed up letters to Kim, Tammy, and my parents and will be doing one for Andy.

Wonder if I’ll get a letter from Minnie on Monday? Or Andy? Or my parents?

Monday I’ll be calling Barbara at the JCC at the number on her card. I hope she’s got news for me. I don’t sense it, although I didn’t sense I’d hear about Charlie the last time we spoke. Anyway, Charlie’s no use to me without info.

It was 121º yesterday! There was only 10% humidity, but that’s hot! For the last 3 days, the temps have been 118º - 121º making this house feel like all the other summers in here. A sauna!

Tom’s gonna have me model a life-size picture to promote the printing program. We’re also gonna superimpose more pictures.

SATURDAY, JULY 29, 1995 Got some great news today at Dr. Rausch's office (now that I know how to spell his name correctly). He told me I could go ahead and quit the Theodur!! Tomorrow I'll write all about what he said, but right now I'm beat. The last time I slept was only from 4:30 AM - 8:30 AM, but probably not even that much.

FRIDAY, JULY 28, 1995 Andy was over for almost two hours. He brought me a candy bar and some gum. He played the keyboard, then we played Crazy 8’s and talked.

I gave him a necklace I made him, the 3 convo tapes, and some NPN envelopes to mail.

A long time ago Tom got a book on hypnosis cuz he was curious about it. It didn’t tell me too much I didn’t already know, but it seems like self-hypnosis is gonna take time to get the hang of.

THURSDAY, JULY 27, 1995 This was definitely not a good day for me back in 1981. I went into the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont on this day till December 18th or 19th. Or maybe even the 16th or 17th. Somewhere in the teens. I can’t remember the day I went into Valleyhead. All I know is that it was August of ‘82. I definitely left in August of ‘84. It may have been August 24th. July 23rd means something to me, too. Was that the day my first guinea pig Penny died that I’d had for two years? Or was it the day I flew back from where my sister was living in Texas?

One of these days I’ll have to write up all the major events I can remember and try to put their correct ages and year to them as a reference.

With the exception of going to appointments and doing errands, I wish it were 105º - 115º every day of the year.

I love being able to use the pool, have a little color, and it’s quiet. I haven’t known that next door exists. Sure, I hear his van come and go, but he comes and goes and doesn’t sit there with it running for 45 minutes. I almost never hear their dog. I asked Tom if he’s heard their other dog and he said no, so I guess they were only dog-sitting. I hope so. I no longer have to worry about kids or music (I hope), but I hope this coming winter will be the quietest one here with no van or dogs.

Today we went swimming and I helped vacuum the pool. I also sorted some tools for him.

Never again will I ever even try going to chat live with Alex. There’s always a problem. We tried to send each other instant messages which wouldn’t work, so finally I sent an email message saying how something was wrong somewhere - sorry - but fuck this shit.

When I told Tom I finished my story, he shocked me by saying he wants to read it. I reminded him that it’s nearly 6 journals and that he may not have time. He said he’d make the time. He said he didn’t want to read it till it was finished, cuz it’d be hard to read something that he didn’t know where it’d lead to. Make sense to me.

Later I’ll write about the hypnosis book Tom had, but now I want to dub more convos.

Later…

Today it felt like all the other summers I was here inside the house. It was nearly 85º in here and it was 116º outside. The sucky thing is that they say it’ll be very humid this weekend and the temp will only drop to about 112º. Tammy said that it was 96º with 90% humidity where she is today. It was only 11% humid today here, so that’s a huge difference.

I finished dubbing the backup convos for Andy. He’ll be getting 3 tapes.

I haven’t wanted to write about this yet, as I’m still not very good at writing up on terrible things. Last Tuesday night was horrible. I haven’t blown up or felt that angry, pissed, confused, or depressed in a long time. I felt contradicted by Tom and like he understood a lot about me, but also didn’t get a lot of things I said. We both said a lot of mean stuff to each other, although he always says we shouldn’t blame each other for whatever.

At one point during my rage, I smashed a porcelain doll. He claimed to be all upset about it saying I gave it to him to decorate the bookshelves with. When I said I didn’t feel it’d be any loss to him, he wouldn’t believe me, but I feel that he said that cuz I say I don’t believe a few things he’s said.

I was hoping he’d be man enough to finally come out and tell me, one, he’s just not into me sexually, and two, he doesn’t want a kid. Instead, though, he’s still lying about it and insisting he wants one. The guy’s never gonna stop bullshitting me. I mean, really! The guy’s so against having a kid that he’s willing to sacrifice a normal sex life for the rest of his life. He’s too damn stubborn to cum.

No, I don’t hate sex with him. Yes, I mostly like it one-sided where he takes care of me, but every now and then, regardless of the kid issue, I just wish he’d be into it too. I wish he’d at least cum every now and then and show me how much he likes me in bed. I know he does to a degree, otherwise he wouldn’t get hard like he does every time.

He’s a great “platonic lover” so to speak, but sexually? I just don’t know anymore. Is it really worth it when I can just take care of myself? I always did say that sex does complicate things.

Also, due to my saying I hated him at one point during my rage, he said he couldn’t have sex for a while with me cuz he couldn’t have sex with someone that hated him. Well, he knows I didn’t mean it, I knew he didn’t mean some things he said to me, so it’s all just a punishment as far as I’m concerned. Fine. Cuz I don’t think I could have sex with him for a long long time either. I’m sick of having sex with someone who’s only slightly turned on by me and who lies to me by saying they want a kid when I know they really don’t. I think we’re both better off taking care of our own selves sexually, never sleeping together and never having a kid. I’ll always miss not having a kid, but that kid will just destroy this marriage. This marriage may be way better than most, but when we’re fighting, we don’t need a third party around, or extra pressure put on this relationship.

The next morning, he kissed me, said he loved me and that we should move forward, so that was good.

Later…

Andy just called from his friend Pam’s house. He’s gonna call back later about coming over.

Yesterday Tom brought up an interesting theory. Maybe God was testing me to see if I really wanted a kid. Of course, I think both God and himself could be testing him. He’s probably stalling on telling me the truth while hoping I’ll eventually come out and say I’ve changed my mind. He’s always told me no one will make me have a kid, but never that no one will make me not have a kid.

I know it’s not in God’s cards for me and that God won’t allow it no matter what, but Tom reminded me to be true to myself. To make sure I analyze my feelings about it which I’ve done. I want one, but have a lot of fears and doubts. I asked him if he does this and he said yes. He also says that even if he has fears and doubts about whatever, he still believes in striving for things he wants cuz everything in life has risks, fears, and doubts. He said one of the risks he took by marrying me was that I could’ve taken his family away from him and cut him off from them which I’d never do. I told him how in the beginning I was afraid he was gonna try cutting me off from those I know. I’m glad we worked through that, though, and can compromise. I know he’d never try doing that and we both agreed and admitted we all can have our jealous moments.

If he were to screw with another woman every now and then, I’d be jealous if he got off with her and not me. If he got off with her and me, that’d be fine.

The bottom line is that he knows I love him and that he’s #1 and vice versa. I only wish he’d stop playing with my head and stop bullshitting me!

God - please let him be able to come out and tell me we can’t have a kid! I just want him to get it out so we can move on. Not that we won’t be moving on with our lives anyway. We have to. We have too many other things to live for. Things we wanna do. Things we gotta do.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 26, 1995 I sure do have a lot of catching up to do. Today I got Barbara M’s business card. So, she’s not just all talk which is nice to know.

Due to not writing for a few days, my mind’s overloaded and I need to go sort through my thoughts and make some notes first. To the best of my memory, here’s a quick rundown on all that’s gone on. Tom got that Melody Maestro CD. This is the one where you can hum a melody into the mike and it prints/plays what you hummed. It also lets you choose the rhythm, tempo, style, instruments, and much more. Making music should never be easier! I haven’t worked with it yet, but I will soon.

It was really hot today at 115º and it will be 115º tomorrow, too. Adding the wall AC to the back room and the blinds outside the front window have made this the coolest summer since I’ve been here. David must’ve roasted every summer!

Steven and Carol will be coming in again from California, so we’ll be seeing them over at Mom and Dad’s.

Later…

I’m not due for my period till the 7th of August, so I don’t know why I’m spotting now.

I don’t know if I have yet mentioned that Tom got me a bag of many different kinds of beads. I decorated our camera case and made a long strand that I put in the kitchen doorway that leads to the garage. I made another necklace, as well as a cute thing to hang outside. The other bag he got was of clear multicolored beads that I strung onto a silver chain. I’m gonna be making Andy a necklace, too.

He told me he’s been checking out dumpsters. He found two nice wooden tables and is gonna have me check out 4 shirts after he washes them.

His reception’s doing OK now on his TV. He thinks he’ll get his phone back in October. Meanwhile, his VM is still active, so I can leave him a home memo if I’ve got something to tell him.

I also let him know that I remember what it’s like to be broke, so we’ve got extra cassettes, Tom sure doesn’t mind, so I’m dubbing the convos for him. For two reasons. One’s cuz I’d really like to have a backup and two’s cuz I think he could really use some good laughs right now.

MONDAY, JULY 24, 1995 I have 20 more Christmas teddy bear labels which I’ll use as date separators. I don’t really want to use them on letters to my family, or even Kim with all the many nice labels I have. I took 1 of each of my 20 other labels and put 12 of them on the front outside cover of 95 and 8 on the front outside cover of 91. Then I covered it with clear contact paper as a protector.

Tom picked up that Megahard nail treatment which has made my nails look better.

I called Andy at work tonight. He is very, very depressed right now. He knows it’s his own fault that he owes the phone company $433, but misses his phone. He’s homesick, wishing he could be at the beach. He’s pissed he’s a drug addict. He’s making shitty money. He’s pissed and hurt that his family doesn’t contact him in any way with the exception of his sisters.

We still haven’t upped the frequency of sex as we said we would, but we had a good amount this weekend. I still feel he isn’t so into it and that sex is for me only. However, due to it getting easier to accept the fact that God and Tom won’t allow us to have a child, I can take advantage of enjoying the kind of sex I’ve always wanted where it’s one-sided. I always liked the idea of having someone who takes care of me well, but who’s easy. I used to hate doing Brenda and Kacey with my hand, and it’d take them forever to cum.

I have mixed emotions about his not buying that bed and I believe there’s still money for it. I may hate sharing a bed, but we both say we want to be more “normally” married. I guess he just wasn’t as serious about it as I had thought. After all this time, though, I guess we’re pretty set in our ways.

I still say he’s trying to instill patience in me, but for what? What the fuck for?

I finished my story! There are gonna be around 100 free pages in 91, though, so I’ll do something with them. What, I don’t know yet.

Later…

I absolutely do not believe it! I called Barbara at the JCC earlier, expecting her either not to be there or to brush me off as if she never heard of me. Instead, she was delighted to hear from me and said she talked to a Charlie G who was at that camp 20 years ago. She said she told him she had an unusual request, but then said something about how they handle unusual requests from the soul. She says she’s been pushing it due to how touched she felt by my request. She said she’s gonna wait till she hears from Charlie and she’s sending me her card. She said to call her back if I don’t hear from her within a week. I told her that if Charlie needed me to describe this girl, he could call me. Wow. I still don’t think I’ll ever find out who she was, but this is surely getting pretty interesting.

Andy says he hasn’t had any major encounters with Greg. He just hears sounds every now and then. He said he thinks he stumbled across what’s really wrong with his VCR, I wouldn’t get it though, it’s under warranty, and probably has nothing to do with Greg. He also says he wants to get back in touch with Jeffrey.

Later…

I was online with Tom who printed out a few pages for me on hypnosis, and ESP, but it told me nothing new. It seems I’ve had experiences with all 3 forms of “psychism.” Telepathy, clairvoyance, and precognition. Clairvoyance is where you describe and know present or past stuff. Precognition is when I say I know I’ll never have a kid. Precognition, I’d say, is what I’ve experienced the most. The stronger the feeling, the more likely I am to be right about it. I’ve only been wrong a couple of times on stuff I felt strongly about (this doesn’t include stuff I never thought of or considered). I was wrong in saying I’d never make it out here to AZ. I was also wrong when I said I could never get someone like Tom. That type of person, I mean, regardless of gender.

No wonder I’ve been having good feelings about Bill. He answered when I called and Tammy was out at the hairdresser. He said he feels great, but every time he feels great, something goes wrong. He says he’s going to UCON Thursday to get more answers.

Then he was joking about Tammy being out with some guy and how he hopes she’ll take the kids if she leaves him. So, I busted him back saying I had 5 women over and we were all having an orgy, etc.

FRIDAY, JULY 21, 1995 Went to see Dr. Rugg this morning which went quickly and easily. My cervix was still bleeding, though, so she said I may have to take an antibiotic and or possibly go back. I sure hope not! Anyway, she said whatever it is, is no big deal and I can remain sexually active.

I asked her about the ridges in my nails and she agreed it’s cuz of my asthma and meds. She recommended Tums as a calcium supplement 3 times a day and also something she had on called Megahard. It’s a $5 bottle of a cloudy liquid you polish on your nails that makes them stronger and clears up the ridges.

THURSDAY, JULY 20, 1995 This morning Tom did some work on the business computer. I still can’t believe we’re really finally in business! Our company’s name is Mystery Computer Enterprises.

On the form to fill out for the license and to pay the fee, he checked “person.”

I asked, “Isn’t that supposed to be “partnership?”

Then he reminded me of how the state of Arizona considers a married couple as one. He said whatever I’m doing, he’s doing and vice versa. Then I said, “So if I’m having my period, you are, too?”

He said, according to the state of Arizona, he is.

I chatted with my dad today (Ma was in the room) and they were happy about the business. I told them that Tom could explain it all much better than I could, but I briefed them in on it. Dad asked me several questions about it and said he heard more people are buying computers than TVs.

They had just gotten my letter and Ma was teasing me about when I told her I dreamt she sent me a letter. She said she had a dream that she stood here 5 nights and taught me to cook something each night. I don’t know if she was joking or if she really did dream this.

Goldie and Al will be there tonight.

I talked with Tammy too, who was happy about the business.

Minnie called today saying she’s no longer in contact with Bob. She said her mother called DSS when she took her son to see Bob and they threatened to take the kid away if she didn’t cut off all contact. I’m surprised at this cuz I know guys have been in jail for rape/molestation and are allowed to see their kids. Even get custody after being convicted. So, Minnie says the opposite of what she last said. She said she’s not sorry for being a mom, recommends it to others, and wants to have another kid with her boyfriend who’s currently in jail for drug dealing. That’ll be no problem for God, who will see fit to it that it happens.

I can’t believe, though, how much easier it’s been for me to deal with never having a kid. It sure makes life easier.

Anyway, I’ll be sending Minnie a letter. And Andy too, with some funny notes he can stick on people’s windshields.

Later…

This morning Tom showed me how to set up to number the pages of my current journal, but when I went to print a page it wouldn’t number it. I think what I’m gonna do as far as my story goes is just type it through to the end, then write it in. If it overlaps into part of another journal I’ll just write it in, then use the rest of it as a regular personal journal.

I’ll have to have Tom hold my hair up while I weigh myself. I want to see if it weighs anything.

I had another encounter with Robin last night.

Earlier that day I had asked Tom if he believed in hypnosis. He said it’s possible. I don’t know if I believe in it. Especially those who claim to have been regressed to past lives. I asked him if he’d be willing to try to see if he could regress me back to that camp. He said sure. However, who knows when he’ll get around to it, along with checking out why the printer won’t print page numbers.

Last night as I lay in bed before falling asleep, I tried to regress myself with the hopes of getting a name and seeing her face clearly. I had no such luck, though. I only could remember stupid useless information. I had two unsure memories and one definite memory.

When I went to Camp Meadowlark, I went by bus. Mom and Dad took me to Camp Naomi, though. I thought I remembered driving through a dirt road with them that led to the camp. I also thought I remembered a dark brown wooden L-shaped cabin that stood alone in a small clearing in very dense woods. If this memory is real and camp-related, was it a place you check-in upon arriving there? I also don’t remember seeing anyone else around. The sure memory is the layout of the cabin I stayed in. Camp Meadowlark didn’t have showers or toilets in their cabins. You had to go to a separate cabin for that which totally sucked. Camp Naomi did have showers and toilets in each cabin, though. There was maybe 1 toilet and 2 or 3 shower stalls.

Later…

At one point last night in bed, I began to feel very nauseous. I said, “Robin, if you can hear me, please make this feeling go away. I’m in absolutely no mood to be sick right now.”

The feeling went away instantly.

In my mind, I cried out to her to please let me see her face some more. Please get more info to me. I sensed her telling me I could do it. Little by little I could find out a sufficient amount of info. What she means by sufficient, I don’t know. She urged me to keep going by trying to remember, while she reminded me how I like a challenge and to play detective.

Tom said the best thing for us to do is to start by assuming she is dead and go from there. He also mentioned a computer CD you can get with all listed phone numbers on it throughout the country. And that he has a book somewhere on hypnosis.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 19, 1995 Excuses, excuses. I don’t feel sexually deprived, but just the other day he said he’d like sex to be more frequent. He got up at 6:00 today and doesn’t have to be at work till 10:00, but besides the usual TV, computer, and eating, he claims he’s got to go to the bank about the business that’s still all one big joke as far as I’m concerned.

He said it’d be nice if we had sex twice a day. That seems like too much for me and it’d take its specialness and excitement out of it if we did it that often.

I spoke to Andy yesterday who wants a copy of our cases that I also sent Kim. I printed him a copy with no problems so he should get it tomorrow. Tom said he’s had intermittent problems with the computer where it fouls up every now and then. Oh, then I guess being able to print Journal 93 and Andy’s stuff wasn’t Robin-related. Just luck was what it was.

Later…

Tom just got home, but went back out to pick up a KFC dinner for me and something for him at another place.

My luck’s still been running well with the printer. I printed that stuff for Andy and 22 pages of journal 92 which will probably total double that amount.

Later…

I just ate and Andy just left a message saying his phone’s been disconnected cuz he owes tons of money. Bummer. He said we could keep in touch by mail and that I could also call him at work. Hopefully, he’ll write me and let me know what he thinks about the stuff I’ll be sending him.

Yesterday or the day before, he said he hadn’t heard from Jeffrey. I asked if he was gonna call him, but he said he’d wait till Jeffrey called him when he was ready. Fair enough, cuz after all, Andy did make the first call. The next move should be on Jeffrey.

I absolutely couldn’t believe it, but Tom did do the paperwork for a business license and trade name and got it notarized.

I told him, “God! You really are serious. I really thought you were pulling my leg. You really are serious about the business and the singing.”

“And making the kid,” he said.

This one I don’t believe, but we’ll see. I mean, I did everything I could to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after nearly two years of this bullshit, how can I believe?

I recorded myself singing to the music of two Gloria songs. They’re not my main style, but he said they were OK.

TUESDAY, JULY 18, 1995 I’m pissed! The TV reception is still fucked up and the printer is, too. The paper kept falling offline when I’d try to print single sheets. It’s fine for continuous paper. Tom sprayed it with air last night, and I thought it’d be OK. It was for a while, but not anymore. I’m so bored right now. I mean, all I feel like doing is printing and I can’t even do that now. I could if I used continuous feed paper to print out the previous journal which is all typed up, but I don’t want to. I want to use my single sheets of colored paper. I reprinted all I’ve written so far on Robin on the track paper and I printed a copy of it for Kim, too.

Later I’ll discuss why I’m sending Kim a copy.

Later…

Yes! Yes! I’m soooooooo psyched! Coincidence? Just luck? I don’t know. Get this, though. I went and turned the computer back on and prayed really hard to Robin. I told her I really really wanted to print that journal out on colored paper. It worked! No problem printing out all 16 pages of it. After I finish this book, I’ll type anything in it to do with Robin and add it to her file.

I still sense no call coming from the JCC, but like I said before, I’ll call on Monday.

I realized I forgot to write in something I misunderstood about something Tom said. He said, “January’s when you decide if you still want one.” I thought he meant if I still wanted a kid. He really meant, though, if I still want a hysterectomy.

I briefed Kim yesterday about Robin, knowing she’d have no problem with it and not think something was wrong with me. Today I sent her all my excerpts on Robin and Andy’s case.

Kim told me she had an experience that was while she was in a dream state. In her dream, her grandfather said he wanted to tell her everything he didn’t get to tell her while he was alive. This dream occurred a few months before anyone knew that her 24-year-old cousin Pam was gonna die. So in the dream, Kim was upset with Pam, who was there, for not paying attention to what her grandfather was saying. Pam said, “But I’m gonna be with him.”

She’s had other dreams with Pam in them after she died. She said she knew they were dreams, but not like regular ones. There was something different about it, she said.

Later…

Andy just called. Not much is up with him. He’s on his way to work. He did say, though, that he and the people in the office are hoping to evict the guys below him for their very loud music.

They’re “hoping” to evict him? Why don’t they just do it?

MONDAY, JULY 17, 1995 God have I been busy! We both have, but before I get into that, let me mention a few things quickly.

Andy said that due to the camp being operated by the JCC at the time 99% of the campers and counselors were probably Jewish. Does Martin sound Jewish? Andy said he once knew a Jewish person at the JCC with that last name. Tom says that up till 40 or 50 years ago people that were Jewish and immigrated from other countries often changed their names in order to not have to deal with prejudice. Grant, my mother’s maiden name doesn’t sound Jewish. Maybe that name was changed.

Andy says she ended up working at the camp probably either by answering an ad or maybe she was affiliated with the JCC herself.

I told Andy that I felt my case wasn’t going any further, but that his was. Then he said, “Oh, no, you’re not finished yet. You’ve got a few more calls to make.”

I don’t sense any calls today. Or ever really, but I’m gonna wait till next Monday the 23rd before I call that Barbara M back at the JCC.

Saturday morning, before our very busy weekend began, which is why I haven’t finished this book yet, I told Tom about both our cases. No, he didn’t think either of us was crazy and he had no problem listening very well to me. He’s undecided as to whether or not he thinks it’s thought vibrations or she’s dead.

He did question if she could’ve molested me. I’m 100% sure she didn’t or else I’d really want to see if she could be alive so I could kill her. All I remember is her listening to me talk her to sleep and playing with me and her dog in the woods. Also, I know rapists/molesters come from all walks of life, but I still believe that’s way way more of a male thing.

Now about our very busy weekend - Tom set aside $100 for each of us to spend. I didn’t get any more silk flowers or wire mesh and I don’t know if we’re still getting that bed or an entertainment center.

Here’s what he wants to get: That music composition program, the new upgraded version of Windows, and an electronic chip you use through the computer to finally make the bee and cigarette machine.

He’s off to swearing again that in the next two weeks we’re gonna get the business started. I still have to see this to believe it! He even told me that I can help make sure he works on the business from 8 AM - 10 AM on Thursdays and Fridays and from 6 AM-noon on Saturdays. We’ll see.

We sure have gotten lots of other stuff done. Yesterday we stopped over at Mom and Dad’s, then went and bought an AC and a vacuum. This AC is like the one they commonly use in MA like I had. He drilled a hole in the back wall in the back room and that’s where it is now. Talk about a major clean-up job after! It looked like we dumped Piggy’s cage all over that area. Anyway, this should cut our cooling costs in half.

The new upright vacuum’s great. It’s powerful and has a hose. It makes things easier not to have to use two vacuums. Before I had to use an upright on the carpets and a canister on the floors.

I did laundry yesterday and Tom did the food shopping. At the grocery store, he found the best needles yet for beading/sewing. They come in a round case you dial. Then only the needle you want falls out. These are also self-threading needles. He got some other needle threaders that I’ve never seen before that look like they won’t fall apart as easily.

Later…

OK, here’s all I got: Another 3-D journal which will be next. Five more bags of beads and a kitten puzzle. Three more doggie mugs which doubled my collection to a total of 6. I added a Maltese, a Sheltie and a Golden Retriever. Four pairs of my favorite silk panties. I didn’t get a bathing suit, but we did look. A pair of white Velcro sneakers which are very comfy, a pair of white sandals, and a pair of black sandals. Two CDs. Linda’s Get Closer and an instrumental one of the following songs of Gloria’s: Dr. Beat, Conga, Bad Boy, Words Get in The Way, Falling in Love, Anything for You, 1-2-3, Rhythm Is Gonna Get You, Here We Are, and Oye Mi Canto.

I think I just might record myself singing to Words Get in the Way, Here We Are, and Anything for You. Tom picked up a music book of country songs for me to sing. I don’t know too many of them, but he says he wants me to learn a few for his mother. That’s cool.

When we were over there yesterday, I showed her a few necklaces and bracelets I made, as well as a bolo tie. She liked it and was finally glad she could give the stuff to someone who could use it.

I talked to Tammy who says Bill knew this couple for 20 years, her for 10, who were transferred by Pratt & Whitney to Florida. Anyway, the guy’s wife was killed in a car accident, so they’re not at all pleased to hear this.

Tammy had her knee scoped for cartilage problems and can’t get around too well right now, but is doing OK.

Dad’s on his way back to Florida. I spoke to Mom and she says that between Thursday and Sunday, Goldie and Al will be staying with them for a week. She said she’d give Dad, Goldie and Al big hugs for me.

I did tell Ma, although, Tom suggested I don’t, that we might see them and go to New England in May of ‘96, but that it wasn’t for sure. I also mentioned putting off a family if we ever do ever have one.

My desire for a kid isn’t gone, but it’s at an all-time low.

Tom got confused during sex yesterday saying we shouldn’t screw if I were having doubts cuz he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t cum. It was out of his control, he said. Yeah, right! I will say this, though, Saturday, I know he was very, very close. Probably closer than ever before, but he pulled himself back before anything could happen (I know he’d deny that).

Later…

I did some more singing. It’s cool to be able to sing to only the music.

It sure is a scorcher out there and kind of humid, too. I took a couple of dips in the pool. I told myself to regain my color slowly, not that I lost it all, anyway. I spent no more than a total of 20 minutes out there and I already see a difference and am darker.

Later…

I just went into the living room for a cigarette when I hit the button on the speakerphone and got a stuttering dial tone and was surprised to get a message at this hour. It was from Andy saying he was pissed off cuz he couldn’t sleep well. He complained again at the guy below him for blaring his music and having people in and out 24 hours a day. He said the guy lowered his base for a while, then went right back to it a few hours later.

To top it off for him, he said they were working on the roof. Yes, I know what he’s going through! Anyway, he says he’s gone back to bed to try to catch a few more hours of sleep.

I’ve been very lucky and gratefully blessed with such peace and quiet. I haven’t heard the kids next door or their dog. If I hear that dog when the weather cools down, though, they’ll hear from me.

Now that I’m about to finish this book, I’m gonna put typing up 92 on hold to type up this one since nearly half of it is already typed.

SATURDAY, JULY 15, 1995 Andy’s gonna be calling back in a few, but oh my God! I’ve got the most amazing news about both our ghost cases! I’ll get into it later.

Later…

OK, here’s what’s currently going on with me and Andy. Yesterday I was trying to stay up so I could sleep later. I was very restless and didn’t feel like doing anything I usually do. I sat on the couch thinking as I stared into space. I wondered if the operator was full of shit when they said they could check statewide for something. So I called and asked for Camp Meadowlark, the second camp I briefly attended when I was about 14. I was transferred to the supervisor who said that only supervisors could look statewide cuz they had different equipment. She didn’t have a Camp Meadowlark listed anywhere in Maine. I then told her I was trying to locate a camp from 20 years ago and asked who she suggested I call to find out info about it. She gave me the number to the Maine state archives. There, I tried about 3 extensions but kept getting machines. Finally, I said, if I get one more machine I’d scream. I knew I’d have to call a handful of numbers and deal with being transferred. So, finally, a real human being answered one of the extensions and I explained myself to her. She gave me the number of the people that inspect camps and stuff like that.

So I called and a woman transferred me to a guy who was finally able to tell me that it was in Raymond, Maine. He said that since 1988 two women have owned it. He gave me their names and the new last name of one of them cuz she got married. It’s been called Camp Nashoba North since ‘88 and when I called there they couldn’t give me any info.

The guy at inspections told me that when it was Camp Naomi it was operated by the Jewish community center! Just like the Y-Day Camp in Springfield that my mother also briefly threw me in. That’s been gone for about 10 years, but Andy went to it and remembered that it was operated by the JCC, too.

This Janet S and Sarah F, who now own Camp Nashoba North, live in Littleton, MA. He gave me their address which I’ll probably never need.

This was a JCC in Newton, MA I had to call. Why the one in Newton and not Springfield, beats me. Being from MA I knew that Newton was outside of Boston and was in the 617-area code. So info gave me a number, but it wasn’t quite theirs. I spoke to an old lady who knew the camp I was talking about, then she transferred me to someone who couldn’t do anything but give me their number. So I called there and spoke to a Barbara M. I told her I was interested in a roster of the counselors’ names from the summer of ‘74 or ‘75, but more than likely the summer of ‘74. I told her I didn’t have a name but described a little about her. She took my number saying she’d talk to someone and asked if it was some kind of reunion. I couldn’t very well say, “Yeah, well I think this woman’s dead and that her ghost is haunting me, so I just wanted to confirm that she really is dead.”

So I told her that I was troubled back then and would just like to say thanks for how she helped me, even though it wasn’t for long. She said that was very impressive. She was truly touched, so I hope that’ll help her to push for information. If I don’t hear from her by Wednesday tops, I’ll call her.

Later…

About Andy’s story - well, he hasn’t been as curious as I’ve been to find out what’s going on in his case. He didn’t want to deal with it and still doesn’t, but is going to try.

A couple of nights ago for the first time in ages, he went to a gay bar right near his complex. When he saw this guy he knew right away that there was some connection. A good feeling came over him, but he wasn’t sure what it was all about and said that sex was only a tiny part of it. So he began to talk to a guy named Jeffrey when the discussion of his birthday being on the 13th came up. Andy said he looked right into the guy’s eyes and that Jeffrey’s eyes told him he was 44. Jeffrey was quite astounded. He gave Andy his number and the last 4 digits are the same as his.

So that night Andy told me about it and knew that there was some kind of connection and that for some reason they were fated to meet.

With me listening silently on the line he called him a few hours ago. While Jeffrey seemed to have a nice speaking voice, he sounded a bit spacey, nervous and confused. Andy noticed too and asked what was wrong. He wouldn’t go into details but said something about “weird” stuff going on. Andy said it wasn’t weird to him after what he was going through. Little by little Andy told him about his ghost (except the rape) and that a few names were going through his head that was given to him. Greg A and a last name beginning with an L.

So, it turns out that Jeffrey may know someone who died about a year ago with that name that was gay.

Then Andy said, “Oh, my God! I just remembered that Jeffrey was one of the names that might have been given to me, too.” I, as his witness, can say that yes, he did tell me that.

So he told Jeffrey that it’s been going on since he moved there last June 1st and was reluctant to tell anyone till he recently told two people, him being the third. He says he now thinks that that’s why he and Jeffrey were fated to meet. To help solve this mystery. He thinks that Greg’s trying to tell him to find his murderer. Jeffrey said that he believes this guy may have died violently, but that it was made to look like a suicide. He also said that there may have been some cult connection. He said he didn’t know Greg well, but that Greg wasn’t black. So maybe he had a black lover and they’re both dead.

Jeffrey then began saying how he lived with his grandmother in a condo in Yuma where strange shit that they both saw and heard happened. Jeff said something about how he thought he may have been put to sleep artificially and he remembers someone standing over his bed saying, “He’s not asleep yet.” People on the roof, and he’s also had that telepathy experience that Andy and I have had too.

Then Jeff and his grandmother moved back to Phoenix and he says he thinks that whatever it is followed him.

Jeff was really freaked with shock over the whole thing. Andy guessing his age, the same last 4 digits in their phone numbers, the Greg case, etc. Jeff says he’s gonna think about it and see if he can find anything out.

Andy and I both know that yes, he could be crazy, hallucinating on drugs, or making it up, but to us, he sounded really genuine. His fear and nervousness over both his situation and Andy’s sounded too real and he agreed that it was either way too coincidental, or a damn good setup if this isn’t for real. He’s apprehensive about meeting Andy for fear that he’s involved in anything which Andy can understand.

Andy said he got the impression that he may know more about these people and this cult than he’d say and seemed terrified of it.

FRIDAY, JULY 14, 1995 Tom just got up for the night, since he went to bed early at 5:45. He’s got me worried and a bit teed off at the moment about his continuing ear problem. He said over a week ago he’d make a doctor’s appointment and he hasn’t. He’s been a bit moody and he even admitted it. He said he felt I wasn’t getting enough attention and was gonna make it up to me. I feel fine, though, and he went down on me this morning.

Later…

I told him how I felt and that I feel pushed away. Also, I’m going to see the GYN I don’t want or need to see cuz I promised him so he’d feel better, so why won’t he go get checked out for me? He says his ear will get better and it’s not worth losing his job over since he’s on probation for two more months and that he won’t get worse. I sure hope not. He insists I take care of him just fine, am a great wife, and take care of the house just fine, but I still wish I could do more for him.

Later…

Tom’s taking a shower now. At 8:30, someone will be coming to recharge the AC and give us estimates as to how much different options would cost.

Tom said he’d try to find a way to find out about Camp Naomi. Great. Yeah, right. Knowing him, I’ll have to wait two years. I wish I knew where to look myself.

Later…

I’m so bored right now and don’t really feel like doing much of anything.

Tom’s waiting for the AC people to get here. They had said between 8:30 - 10:00.

Andy went to collect more of Stevie’s garbage. She’s taking several different medications, but he didn’t mention anything else too important.

Later…

Andy still hasn’t heard anything about having to go to court. I always said he was the lucky one. If it were me, I’d have been subpoenaed by now.

Does this mean anything? I was watching the end of a good movie when it began flickering. I said, “Please Robin. If you can hear me, I’d really like to watch this.”

Then it stopped flickering. So, every time it would do that, I’d close my eyes and say that and it stopped.

I’m getting (or have been having, I should say) this burning desire to either meet her if she’s alive or to be closer to her spirit. It’ll wear off, though, soon enough, but I wonder if I really will always feel her presence?

I’m trying to stay up as late as I can, so we can go out shopping tomorrow. All women love to shop, including me, but I don’t know. I kind of feel guilty about it cuz the work I’m gonna need done on my teeth is gonna cost a fortune.

The AC people never came today, so he’ll have to call a different company.

He said he was gonna call this week about a business license and so far he hasn’t. I really don’t think he’s serious about the business any more than I think he is about a kid. I just wish he’d put his actions where his mouth is! I get so sick of him never doing or doing stuff he says he’ll do 10 years later than when he said he would. It makes me wonder if I can really count on him as far as the singing goes. At least he can keep the roof over our heads and food in here.

My color started to fade, so I was out earlier. We got some birdseed a week ago and I saw a few birds munching out.

I saw a 2-hour special on dance/gymnastics. It was great. Nadia Comaneci is 33 and her fiancée is 38, but they both look like they’re in their 20s. When I saw her, I remembered something else about Camp Naomi. I saw another snotty little camper with a magazine with Nadia’s picture on the cover. I guess I had wanted to read it. All I remember, though, was her telling me that the whole magazine wasn’t about Nadia Comaneci.

Oh, Robin! Are you really truly here? Or are you alive and well? I just want to know!

THURSDAY, JULY 13, 1995 I slept solidly from about 11 AM - 7 PM. I felt fine when I got up, but then I fell back asleep from 7:30 or so till nearly 9 PM. I needed it. I didn’t feel beat or horrible when I finally fell asleep after having been up for 19 hours, but I may have if I didn’t catch up. Can’t do that with a kid around, so it was one of those times when I was grateful we don’t have one.

She was there as I was falling asleep this morning. I could sense her comforting me as she reassured me I’d sleep just fine.

Got my third puzzle book yesterday. I still have about 19 more puzzles left in my second book and 3 backup puzzle books.

Tomorrow night there’s gonna be a combination of gymnastics and dance on TV. That oughta be really cool.

Last night I spoke with Andy and Kim. There’s something about Kim’s voice that bugs me a little cuz it reminds me of Brenda. Brenda had a meek little wimpy voice, but Kim’s not quiet.

As we were talking, Michelle came over to Andy’s so he jumped in the shower. They were going over to Stevie’s. Not to get garbage, but to see if they could hear her singing, as they have before. She’s up all through the night too, and doesn’t go to bed till the sun comes up.

After Michelle got on the phone while he showered, I pretended to hang up. Their conversation was boring, though. Kim, an 18-year-old naïve girl, did the bulk of the talking about how she’s guilty of cheating on Mike, even though they’re not really going out.

My friend Kim left a message today. She began to say it was about something in my letter. Probably about the one I wrote in disguised handwriting for her to send Bob.

She and Doug are going to New Hampshire for a few days, but she says she’ll try to contact me again soon.

Tom says I look sickly thin. How can I look sickly thin at 98 pounds at my height? I feel a little thin, but my lower gut, hips and thighs are still well-cushioned.

Anyway, I took a shower, shaved and brushed my hair which was no problem.

Earlier we had our first real rain since I think early April.

Our TV is still snowy. Tom’s been working on it but doesn’t know how easy it’ll be to fix. I believe he said there was a short in the cable.

Later…

Now I only have 5 more puzzles to do in the last magazine. Did more typing of 92, too. Tom will be getting up soon and I’m just gonna go veg out for now.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 12, 1995 It’s gorgeous out now, but humid. I saw lightning off in the distance, but we only got a few minutes of wind and a few drops of rain. It’s been unusually calm around here.

I received and sent Alex a message, typed books 90 and 92 a bit, read two chapters in my book, and listened to music. I also talked on the phone with Andy and his friends Michelle and Kim.

Oh! I can’t believe I forgot to mention something so funny. That wacko fan of Stevie’s named Sally sent her a package. Stevie never even opened it. It was a tape of her singing and playing the guitar. Bits and pieces of her guitar playing were OK, but I have never heard anything so bad in all my life. I was never even that bad. Andy could kick her ass in a singing contest. Anyway, he’s gonna give me the tape and I may make edits out of it and send it to her.

Anyway, Andy still tells anybody who’ll listen to his problems with whomever he happens to be having problems with at the moment. Right now he is fighting with Velma and Pam. He says he and Bug are getting along fine. He said she began a letter to me before the thing with the phone and pig went down, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. He says she’s been sick, so we’ll see.

Although I kept busy and productive through the night, I was also bored. There were other things I could’ve been doing, but I just didn’t feel like it. In fact, I’m almost tempted right now with my boredom and tiredness, to try to lure Robin to me. Maybe I’ll learn more from her, but I don’t know if this is such a wise idea.

I told Tom to let me know when he wants to discuss my case with Robin this weekend. He agreed he’d let me know, but once again, I’m glad I can count on him not to bring it up without me bringing it up first, cuz I really don’t feel like going through it. He was too sick last weekend, but I hope this weekend he’ll be able to mount my cabinet of beads on the wall. That’d make it much easier for me.

For a week now, maybe a little more, I’ve woken up too early except for once. I hope I don’t do that today. I’m sort of beat.

He’ll probably be getting up anytime now but doesn’t need to be at work till 10 AM.

Still haven’t gone through the convo tapes or finished my medley, so I gotta get with it soon. I don’t gotta, but I want to.

Tonight (now last night) was disgustingly humid. This, along with the EC really made it feel like MA, so I switched to the AC.

Later…

Tom’s up now and going over the bills and finances.

I just talked to Lisa and Tammy. They say Becky broke 2 of the 3 necklaces I sent, Lisa lost my address yet again, and Tammy says something’s still wrong with her computer/modem and it’s not hooked up. Why does she waste money paying for Prodigy when they never use it? They’ve used it only a few times since they’ve had it and I know they’ve had it since I’ve been with Tom. That alone has been since April of ‘93.

TUESDAY, JULY 11, 1995 Andy, who’s on the phone now, just got a message from me to give me a call as soon as he can.

I guess for now I’ll go over what stands out in my mind when I communicated with Robin. Actually, it was she who first began communicating with me till I felt my fears and doubt lessen. She basically made it clear to me that she means no harm and doesn’t intend to disrupt my life or relationship with Tom.

There were two significant encounters. The rest of the time I feel her with me on and off. The second time we talked more. Again, it was a telepathy thing. We spoke with our thoughts. There were no voices or anything I could feel in a physical way. Or see. It was all through sensing. It’s not like sensing a certain thing in life is gonna happen. In a way, it’s stronger and surer than when I get one of my stronger feelings that something in life will or will not happen.

As I may or may not have said before, I don’t sense any danger at all. It’s not like I sense or fear that cuz of the strong feelings of love she’s giving off to me that she’s gonna kill me so I can be with her in her way and her world.

Andy says that he’s heard that 1000 years to us is only 1 day to God. Damn! That’s a hell of a long day. Does this mean that Robin feels as if she’s only been dead for a few minutes?

She did hint to me about there being a God. I asked her if what Andy said was true about each of us having guardian angels that work for God. In a way that I can’t quite explain, I got the feeling from her that that is true more or less. God can keep her away from me, for example, like He did the first 10 years she was dead.

I also believe she told me in her own way that she’s now my angel. I was the first one she requested out of several and I guess God OK’d it. If I had a guardian angel before - I have no idea who it could’ve been. Was it anyone I ever knew?

Sometimes I’d sense her sitting by the bed, other times lying next to me. I could sense she didn’t want to smother me with too much closeness so as not to scare me.

In between these two significant encounters, I’ve had quick and slight sensations of her presence by the pool, in the kitchen, back room, and in the living room. Not too often when Tom’s been home and awake. As she said, she doesn’t want to get in our way which is more than appreciated.

I never bluntly asked her if and when I’d ever have some of my dreams and goals granted, but she seemed to imply she would help guide me there if she could and it’s not too far down the road. I don’t see how she can help or what she could do for me or Tom or both of us. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

I told her - don’t come around too often, don’t get too close. She does seem happy enough where she is, so that’s reassuring to know. She did say that anytime I called for her she could almost always come to me unless she was on another mission. Meaning, elsewhere with someone else she knew or whatever.

She said, as long as I always assumed, she could go wherever she wants unless the higher power restricted her for whatever reason, but she can’t be in two places at once.

She was born and raised in Maine, and yes, she could read my journals. She told me not to worry about my journals as she respected my privacy and already knew all there is to know about me from the day I was born till now.

She said we would be together someday cuz I was to die before Tom. Funny, cuz I’ve always felt that. Andy said if I died he hoped I’d will my journals to him. Fine, as long as he promises to return them to Tom if Tom wants them returned.

Then I asked what’ll happen when Tom dies and joins me and she said he and I would be together forever. She said she’d always remain in my life, though. From now till forever after I’m gone.

The things I see and hear are all through sensing. I still can’t make out her face clearly, but she can obviously see mine and anyone else’s as clearly as if one was staring into another’s.

Darkness and light don’t apply or matter in her world, either. At least, they don’t seem to, anyway.

Later…

I just tried to call Andy again. I didn’t leave a message, but he’s still on the phone. Not with Karson, though, cuz I don’t think she’s got call-waiting. I just tried her, but it rang and rang.

Andy still hasn’t heard anything from the pigs or US West, so that’s good.

I think I’ll go type up whatever’s been written so far about Robin so I can have a place where it’s all grouped together. This way if I want to look up something, it’ll be easier.

Later…

Just typed/printed 8 pages of all the stuff I’ve ever written about Robin. There’s one thing I forgot to mention about my case, one thing about Andy’s, and one thing about both our cases. Robin told me she wasn’t as quiet as I thought she was. Yeah, she seems a bit spunky.

Andy said that on the night his ghost raped him, he sensed another unknown source telling him to just relax and that it would be OK. He thinks Greg’s trying to tell him something, but Andy’s like - go away and find someone else who will deal with you and can help you.

After his VCR was repaired for the second time, they demonstrated to him that it was fixed before he took it home. Lately, though, he’s been having trouble with it again, as well as other electrical things around his place. Our TV has been acting weird too, but Tom’s certain he can fix it. I hope so.

Cuz my math is so bad, I just asked Tom how old Linda will be on the 15th since she was born in 1949. She’ll be 46. She’s getting up there.

Later…

I just began 91, the last book of my story.

I got a reply from the staff this morning saying I didn’t specify what organization ran the camp, therefore he couldn’t point me in the right direction.

I called and asked my mother, saying I was writing a book. Of course, she wouldn’t give me any info.

The best thing Tom did to instill patience in me that I now know isn’t for having a kid, is that he hasn’t mentioned reading my story. Of all the things he says he wants to do but doesn’t really want to, this is fine with me cuz I’d really rather keep it to myself. If he surprises me by bringing it up, I’ll let him, cuz I already told him he could read it.

Speaking of surprises, Alex mentioned that he and Kim had sex twice. Really?! I thought they were always just friends. The thing about it is, though, that Alex doesn’t seem Kim’s type and Alex doesn’t seem the type to lie about it.

The only people I’d keep all my promises to are Tom, Andy and Kim. Alex asked me not to tell Kim, but I’ve just got to settle my curiosity and ask her if it’s true. If I ask her not to tell Alex I brought it up, I’m sure she won’t.

My period, which began yesterday, hit me full blast today. This is good cuz last month was rather half-assed. This way it gets it out of my system and I have less build-up of boob soreness too early next month.

For the last 24 hours or so, I’ve felt pretty much no contact from Robin. I suppose I’ll feel her on and off, if never again. I guess I’ll never know for sure what this has been all about. I just wish I knew if she were really dead. I guess the next step would be to try and find out who ran that camp and post messages on AOL and Prodigy and whatever else and ask if anyone’s ever heard of it. I would really rather not go and send Robert Stack a letter at Unsolved Mysteries. They do, however, have cases of people looking for lost loves and friends.

MONDAY, JULY 10, 1995 Andy will be calling back any minute now. He had to go fold his laundry. Andy and I were talking with Karson and their friend Kim till he had to go fold his laundry. Then Karson gave me her number, then hung up cuz Kim wanted to ask me a personal question in private. She said she trusted Andy and knew I could be trusted by what Andy told her.

She asked, “There’s this guy I like named Mike who says he wants me but doesn’t call me. What do I do?”

I said, “Fuck him. There are always gonna be people you want who don’t want you and people who want you that you don’t want. Actions speak louder than words, so if someone’s actions don’t comply with their words - screw them and try finding someone where both of your feelings are mutual.”

Then I called Karson back who demanded to know what she said, but I wouldn’t tell her. I said she had to go out somewhere which was true. Then we hung up and we’ll all talk later.

I finished the library book I had to renew and now I’m on the other one.

I’m gonna go work on a letter to Kim.

I asked Andy if I could tell Tom his ghost story and he said that if I’m gonna tell him mine, I can definitely tell his, too. That’s the idea, but I don’t know if I will for sure or when.

Later…

I answered a question of Kim’s. She asked me where the G spot was located. I always thought that was a woman’s clit. However, the catalog that came with the vibrator showed a diagram showing it to be up inside near the bladder. It said it was hard to locate, but that stimulating it felt noticeably different than clitoral stimulation. This is news to me and now I’m curious to experience this myself. Who knows if I will but they had a G-spot stimulator for sale that looked like a dildo.

I talked with Andy, Karson, and Goofy, but Karson got pissed at us all as she always does, even though she loves every minute of it.

Andy and his friend Michelle are gonna go get more of Stevie’s garbage and I’m gonna read and watch TV.

Later…

I read and watched a movie. I also typed Kim’s letter and retrieved and sent a message to Alex. Andy was on the phone while I was typing part of Kim’s letter so he gave me some lines.

Tom just got up and is eating the hot dogs I just zapped him. He feels and looks much better today. Yesterday he didn’t throw up again, but he felt yucky.

I’ve been swimming on and off and due to being on nights lately, I’ve been skinny dipping. I’m still tanned, but when my schedule’s more towards days I’ve got to get out a little to keep it up. That won’t be too hard at this time of year as it’s been deathly hot between 108º - 112º. Gotta watch out for sun poisoning.

There haven’t been any more significant experiences with Robin. I sense her presence on and off. There is one physical and one emotional change, though. I’m still quite certain that it’s just because and not related to her in any way. It’s still worth mentioning, though.

If you’re like most people, you’d agree that my hair and eyes are my best features. Well, it’s kind of obvious that she likes my hair. This hair is a bitch to maintain. I normally wash it twice, then use either the detangler or the Infusium 23, then have to spend 20 minutes brushing through the knots. Well, the last two times I only washed it once and didn’t put anything else in my hair. Yet strangely enough, I could brush right through it in only a few strokes. Time will tell if all it is is luck.

Also, since this all began, or shortly after, like maybe July 2nd, I haven’t been upset or unable to deal with the fact of never having a kid. It’s not like I’m unable to deal with it every day, but I feel as if I’ve lived through it and gotten over it, even though I’ll always wonder what it would’ve been like. We’ll see.

I just asked Tom if he felt it was unlikely they’d allow a 16-year-old to stay alone in a cabin at a camp. He said, sure. If a 16-year-old was working in a camp, she’d need a place to stay. He said they wouldn’t necessarily have to put her with adults at all. A 16-year-old trying to rent an apartment or buy a house by herself is a whole different story. I’m still unsure about the possibility of her only being 16 back then. It really seemed like she was in her 20s back then. Hell, she could’ve been in her 30s, but I doubt that.

I haven’t decided yet if I’m gonna try to hunt down that camp today. I still doubt I can find them or get any info. It’s been a long long time, but we’ll see.

Later…

Tom just left for work and I called Maine info. As I suspected and was afraid of, there is no Camp Naomi statewide.

Here’s something that’s cool. I made the comment, “I’m not always gonna have periods” to Tom before he left (meaning when I get fixed). and he said, “You won’t get periods for a while, but you’re entitled to your opinion as I am.”

The cool part of it is that I didn’t feel pissed or sad and think, don’t lie to me or kid either of us! Guess it’s because I’m so used to this shit now.

Anyway, I’ll never know for sure now if this thing with Robin is for real, will I? My instinct says it is, though. I have yet to write a few more things we “talked about” but I’ll get around to it after I’ve had some serious sleep. All I know right now is that I feel a constant warm, wonderful, and content feeling regardless of what I’m doing and if Tom’s present or not. I used to feel love and security from one source - Tom. Now I feel love from two sources.

Later…

Tom asked me if I found out the location of that camp today. I told him they didn’t have anything statewide and he said they didn’t keep records of camp counselors. He did tell me to search the subjects on AOL and Prodigy and see if I can find a map that’d list smaller places outside of Portland. I tried, but couldn’t find anything. An “ask the staff” box came up, so I sent them a question about how I was trying to locate info on this camp even though I couldn’t get any number for it cuz I was trying to locate someone I had known there. I’ll just have to wait and see what they say. I don’t know how long it takes to get a response from them. Dead or alive, all I need is a number and a name to find out whatever happened to her.

That was really nice of Tom to offer to help me.

This weekend I told him I’d tell him about Andy’s and my experiences. Ultimately, I’ll probably never know for sure what really happened to this woman or if she’s really dead. All I can do is sum up which of the 3 possibilities feels stronger - my imagination, thought vibrations, or her spirit. Number 3 is definitely the strongest.

Even if I could just find out if she were dead or alive with no explanations would be enough for me. I’d like to make contact and say thanks if I could know she was alive, and I’d like to know how and when she died, if she’s dead, but if I could only start with knowing if she were dead or alive!

I asked myself if this entity/spirit could be someone other than her or my grandparents. “No way,” immediately comes to mind. If it isn’t her through being alive or dead, then I have one wacky imagination. One clever enough to have a rational person such as I am totally fooled.

I’ve been meaning to try to remember and write down anything else she said to me or that I told or asked her. I’ll do this later. Right now I have other things I want to do.

Later…

In this week’s TV guide, there’s a thing for monthly teddy bear figurines. It’s from the same company that we got our plates from for free. However, they no longer send you plates till they get your payment. This one says they’ll bill you with the first shipment. They know this address, but not Andy’s, so I asked him if I could send it to his place to give to me. Then he’ll get lots of NPN envelopes from these people, as I still do, which he can have. I asked him on his machine and will wait till he calls me.

This experience has heightened my curiosity. I may do some research on subjects like this and see what books the library may have about it.