#cuz i’ve done that before 😭 BUT i love you guys too much for that

[prodbyton]

hi toniiswrld !!

i don’t like being vulnerable on the internet cuz i like to be mysterious but !! unfortunately i have fallen into a depressive episode and its gotten a lot worse over the weeks (if you noticed how inconsistent my posts have gotten 😭) and i haven’t really been feeling like writing that much as well as doing literally anything, so posts are gonna be a lot slower !! i think right now i’ll still be updating who’s that girl on schedule since there’s not much writing, but i’m closing hard hours+requests just for a bit until i feel a little better <3 and of course i’ll still post some things just when i feel like it

[newtkive]

shift shenanigans - social media au (pt. 2)

note: yes there’s the main work chat w carmy, the secret coworker chat w/o carmy, and the secret secret bestie chat w syd, marcus, and yourself. it would be canon.

warnings: crude humor, slightly offensive jokes

part one

liked by carmyberzatto, marcus.brooks11 and 40 others

chefboyardee: life lately

see all 9 comments

syd_adamu: that pho was life changing

↳ chefboyardee: i think it was the best i’ve ever had

marcus.brooks11: feet off the table @syd_adamu

↳ chefboyardee: leave my girl alone

↳ richietheking: I knew you guys were lez

↳ syd_adamu: we aren’t and you can’t say that

↳ chefboyardee: oh.. we aren’t? ☹️😔

↳ syd_adamu: 😑

carmyberzatto: 🍲🔥

THE GOLDEN TRIO

[ 7:45 AM ]

y/n: did you see

did you see

did

you

see

ogmgokggkowkfofsk

syd: pardon??

what did richie do oh my god

did he post another picture of him with the gun from that one day

fuckkkk carmys gonna be so mad

marcus: nope i wish

y/n: he commented on my post 😭😭😭😭

syd: who

marcus: think about it

who else would cause this reaction

y/n: carmy!!!!!!!

i woke up to him commenting 🍲🔥 😍😍😍😍

syd: woah and the heart eyes?

y/n: no that’s my addition

syd: the bar is in hell

HES YOUR BOSS

y/n: AND I WANT HIS BABIES??

marcus: y’all so hype to be pregnant THEN BOOOMMM ‼️ THE BABY’S UGLY AND BALD WITH ECZEMA 😩🤨

syd: LMFAOOOOO WHOS YALL THO????

y/n: bye im done

im leaving for work.

don’t talk to me ever again

done.

marcus: bye 👋

why do you leave so early fool

syd: so she can be teachers pet

marcus: smh always there before everyone

y/n: not true.

syd: i thought you weren’t talking to us

y/n: 😒

marcus: want me to bring y’all an iced latte again

y/n: …. 😁

WORK

[ 8:15 AM ]

y/n: AYOOOO

great job cleaning up after work yesterday 😊👍

richie: Is this a joke?

y/n: why would i joke about such a thing

carmy: Y/n what are you doing

y/n: u said to tell everyone their housekeeping is shitty

carmy: No I said I was going to tell them that, and you said no I’ll do it

This is not what I meant

y/n: well you yell too much

marcus: ouch

that’s my station 😔

carmy: Well clean it better

y/n: im using reverse psychology and positive reinforcement

carmy: Not what that means

y/n: well notice how no one’s mad at me

im making alliances day by day

richie: You’ve worked here for two years and we are already friends

y/n: so you’re saying you aren’t my ally

richie: No

We are definitley in an alliance

y/n: love u richie

richie: Don’t go that far

chefboyardee’s instagram stories

WE HAVE THE BEEF 🥩

[ 3:25 PM ]

y/n:

he so fine im bouta cermmmmm

syd: …..

marcus: :O

y/n: why are you acting shocked

like i haven’t said this daily

tina: Woah girl who?

y/n: HUH

richie: I’m not in the picture I don’t get it

syd: let’s just keep working before carmy notices

tina: I don’t care I’m on smoke break. Who are you talking about girl? Spill the tea..

marcus: she was talking about me you guys

y/n: the guy in the back

oh i mean yeah marcus

tina: The meat delivery guy? He has a wife..

y/n: we are having an affair

marcus: no it’s about me

richie: I didn’t know Marcus and Y/n were a thing..

tina: Something ain’t right. No way they are.

marcus: we aren’t it’s just our sense of humor

y/n: i was just being funny!

tina: What did Jeff just yell inside?

syd: came out of the office and said “just cuz we’re slow doesn’t mean you can play on your phones” 👍💯

tina: Whatever. No chance Y/n meant Marcus. You got the hots for Jeffrey?

y/n: what no

tina: Well I wouldn’t blame you. He’s cute

y/n: OMG RIGHTTTTTTT

its the tattoos isn’t it

richie: You have to be fucking joking

tina: I was playing..

y/n: im confused

syd: that was cruel

marcus: who cares it’s not a big deal

y/n: so you don’t think he’s cute tina?? ☹️☹️

tina: No he is cute… for you 😝

y/n: this is humiliating

richie: I’ll tell him

y/n: NO

stop

sSTOP THATS NOT FUNNY

richie im not joking i’ll put a bomb in your floorboards

richie: I’m just fucking with you kid

tina: This isn’t over.

THE GOLDEN TRIO:

[ 3:40 PM ]

syd: y/n….

marcus: you look like a ghost y/n

y/n: i cannot believe i sent that to the wrong gc

i’m done im so done

marcus: stop looking so sad it’s making me feel bad

syd: it’s okay! just be thankful it wasn’t to the work groupchat with him in it..

marcus: true it could be worse

y/n: i guess so

thank you for trying to cover for me marcus

marcus: anytime you know i got you

syd: let’s get back to work before we start looking obvious

[theredpharaoah]

Watching The Normies react to “Potential” and I wish they had actually made Dawn the Potential. Especially since that girl ends up dying anyway. The comics have Dawn go on to be this super interdimensional being with powers related to being the key, but the show didn’t do that. After Season 5 Dawn’s character is kinda just there. Dawn was this entirely magical being who never got any powers or really had a chance to participate in fights and whatnot. Her being a Potential would’ve made so much sense as she was literally made from the blood of an activated and fully mature Slayer.

And even if they didn’t do this, I at least wish they’d had the message be different. When Dawn thought she had the power, she HAD the power. Xander could’ve gave his speech and then Dawn could’ve either replied right then with that, or figured it out 2 episodes later and told him. I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but I love Dawn’s character and I wish they’d done more with her.

It also doesn’t make sense that it was that girl based on how the spell acted? If it was looking for that girl then I feel like it would’ve left the house. Instead, it sits in the middle of the house and only moves towards the door when Dawn goes there. And it’s to the point that it literally lifts Dawn up off the floor. It didn’t go through the door it looked like it went into Dawn and then subsided. And we didn’t hear the other girl get slammed up against the other side of the door? I liked this girl but I still think it would’ve been better if it was Dawn.

I also don’t like Xander’s speech all that much when I dig a little deeper. Willow wasn’t born a super powerful witch. She worked to that. Remember Willow in Seasons 2 and 3? I wouldn’t even say she had an aptitude for witchcraft. Willow was just smart and put her mind to becoming a witch cuz she was interested in it. To me, Xander CHOSE to be mediocre. And he proved many times throughout the show that he had the potential to be more. Remember in School Hard and many other times where he’s literally fist fighting vamps? He could’ve and should’ve been at least like Robin Wood by the time Season 7 came around. And I say at least because even though Robin was trained by a Watcher, Xander would’ve had Giles, Buffy, Willow, and Tara to act as collaborators and teachers. Not to mention all the hands on experience he got fighting demons and stopping apocalypses. Xander let his own insecurity control him and he found a way to make peace with that. He then taught Dawn to do that too. He basically said “ Because they’re all special, we have to be average”. The only boxes you’ll find yourself in are the ones others put you in, the ones you put yourself in, or the ones you let others put you in. And considering Xander’s abusive household, I wonder how much that played into it. Willow was extremely scholarly and she and Oz who helped a lot with her self worth issues(caused by her emotionally abusive parents). She then became a witch and that kinda dealt with any self worth issues. Xander didn’t have that. And you guys know I don’t like Xander all that much. 😭

[so-much-for-stardust6]

Older Brother’s Tour- Patrick Stump

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-

-

summary: you’re patrick stump’s little sister and you’ve convinced your family to let you go on tour with them during the infinity on high era

lowercase intended

warnings: a bit of swearing (like maybe one word or so)

a/n: this was another request by @xx-scene-queen-fangz-xx , hope you like it! i know the gif isn’t from ioh era 😭 it was taking me forever to find one i like of them from that era so i kinda just gave up. also this is NOT proof read cuz by the time i finished writing it i was so tired

-

-

-

-

it was the year 2007 and my older brother, patrick, was going on tour for their new album infinity on high. i begged my mom for so long to let me tour with them and she finally agreed.

“thank you so much mom! i genuinely appreciate it! i love you.” i exclaim and rush to hug her.

she was helping me pack, stressing out as she figured out how to fit my large wardrobe into minimal bags.

“mom, y/n?” we hear patrick call out.

“in here hon.”

my brother pops into my doorway, eyes widening at the clothing mess.

“a-are you taking all of this?”

“uh..no. no. i’m trying to help her but you know your sister.” mom chuckles.

“okay good. we have a lot of luggage ourselves. but you need to hurry up, the guys are outside and we need to get to the bus.”

“almost done. why don’t you go downstairs and greet the boys, y/n?”

“okay..”

patrick leads me to our living room where all the guys sat. i try to avoid looking at a certain bass player as i shyly wave to them. i’ve met them all before and know them a bit but i’m still shy around them, after all i’m 15. also it’s bad enough i have a tiny tiny crush on pete, patrick’s best friend.

“hey! it’s little stump! wassup little stump!” pete shouts out, bouncing up from the couch to give me a noogie. i groan out and try to push him away.

“don’t ruin my hair, man! you know how precious someone’s hair is.” i pout as i fix my messy hair.

“you excited to tour with us? see how us cool guys hang out.” joe jokes, pushing up his sunglasses.

“you look like a douche with sunglasses on inside, man.” patrick says.

i laugh at my brother’s words, laughing even harder when joe’s smile drops.

“fuck you, stump.”

“hey! watch your language, my little sister is near.” patrick covers my ears.

“hey! i���m not little!”

“you’re 15, y/n/n.”

patrick has given me that nickname when i was born. being so little and seeing your new baby sister can have the imagination go wild.

“okay you two, no fighting.” my mom scolds us as she carried my luggage down the stairs.

patrick and i rush to grab the items from her, thanking her for helping pack.

“okay, you better take care of your sister, patrick. and you boys better take care of my babies, understand?” she points her finger at the guys sitting on the couch.

“yes mrs. stump.” joe gulps.

“absolutely mrs. stump.” andy says with a smile on his face.

“cross my heart.” pete holds a hand up and crosses his heart.

“i love you two so much. i’m proud of everyone you guys do, always. be safe and do NOT get into trouble. i don’t want a call saying one of you guys got arrested for something pete dared you to do.”

“i promise mom. i’ll watch y/n/n 24/7. i love you too.”

“come here.” she opens her arms to give us a hug.

she squeezes us tightly and starts to shower us in kisses. we both groan out as we try to escape her hold.

“we have to get going, mom.” patrick mumbles.

“okay okay, i’m sorry.” she pulls away, flattening out her clothes.

“i’ll call you once we get to the airport, okay?”

“and call me when you land and get to your hotel too.”

“and what, do we have to call you when we step foot into a mcdonald’s?” i joke, making patrick snicker.

“you know i-“

“you’re trying to make sure we’re safe, we know. i was kidding. see you in a couple months, love you.” i kiss her cheek before finally stepping away from me.

patrick kisses her cheek and says another ‘i love you’.

“see you boys later.” she hugs the guys as we left the house.

patrick helps me stuff my luggage into the trunk, rough housing it.

“watch it, trick! i have important stuff in there.”

“like what, a fuckin’ fishbowl?” he jokes.

“no, asshole, my camera. i want to take pictures everywhere we go.”

“aww like our little photographer.” he pats my head.

i swat his hands away and walk to the car door.

“so who’s sitting where?” joe asks, looking at the car.

“shotgun!” pete screams, swinging the door open and shoving himself inside.

“who wants to drive?”

“me!” i exclaim.

“haha, no. won’t even make it a minute from the house.” patrick says.

“hey! what a way to believe in your little sister. now i won’t have any confidence when i learn how to drive.” i fake pout.

“oh boo hoo.” patrick fake pouts right back at me.

“i’ll drive.” andy says, breaking up the sibling debacle.

“guess you’ll be stuck in the middle, y/n.” joe says, shrugging.

“what?! why me?”

“cause you’re smaller than us, now get it.”

we all get in the car, squeezing tight next to each other.

“ooo, can i please play some music?” i exclaim.

“no way, all you listen to is us.” patrick immediately says.

“and that’s a bad thing? i’m just supporting my brother.”

“hey, let the girl play some jams man. i could use a bit of a refresher on some songs to be honest.” pete chimes in.

“you’re just being a meanie to her. loosen up and let her have fun.” joe says, wrapping an arm around me to bring me close to him.

he gives me a noogie as well making me complain.

“what is it with you guys and noogies?!” i shove him off.

they hand me the aux and i obviously play infinity on high. i’m so proud of patrick and the guys for getting out of chicago and becoming so big. i’m so excited to see them on tour, ready to scream my lungs out. i play don’t you know who i think i am and we all jam out, patrick occasionally humming along. my heart rate increases as i remember that i’m going all across the country. it wasn’t a long drive to the airport, making my worries higher. pete had a friend of his drive his and the other guys’ luggage in another car. we all grab our items and trudge our way to the check in. we do the normal security checks and everything, the thingy beeping cause of my belt. after that incident, we had time to kill so we made camp at seats next to our gate. patrick had a book to keep him company, pete brought one too, joe had some earbuds and andy brought both. i tried listening to some more fall out boy to ease my nerves but it didn’t help.

“hey trick.” i slightly nudged him.

“hm?” he hummed, not looking up from his book.

“i-i’m kind of scared.”

hearing those words out my mouth caused his to immediately look up at me, worry in his eyes.

“why, what’s going on?”

“i keep thinking about the fact i’m going to be on a plane nearly everyday. going to a lot of cities almost every night and i’m gonna be around a lot of people. it’s too much.” i admit.

“hey, it’s going to be okay. i felt the same way too, being around and about all the time scared me. but you just gotta think of the positives because i know you, and you love to think negative. you get to travel and see such beautiful things, going to beautiful cities. you also meet so many cool people, you might meet someone who’s a big fan of us like you. well maybe i don’t want a fan being friends with my little sister but you understand what i mean.” i chuckle at his words.

“you’re right, thank you trick. i’m just nervous to be away from home.”

“and it’s okay to be. i felt incredibly homesick when i first left on tour. i was worried about you if i have to be honest, not being near my baby sis made me nervous. i know i don’t do much but if something would happen to you i couldn’t protect you.” he sheepishly admits.

“you’re the best big brother anyone could ask for and i love you for being you.” i give him a side hug.

“love you too. are you hungry or anything? wanna go see what they got?”

“yeah sure.” i stand up.

he stuffed his book into the carryon bag he has and gets up to follow me to the food area. we end up getting mcdonald’s and go back to our seats.

“pst, let me steal a fry.” pete whispers to me.

“go get your own.” patrick says out loud to pete.

“ignore him.” pete scoffs.

i giggle and end up handing him a fry. pete has always been my favorite friend of patrick’s, having the best personality in my opinion. i know how reckless and stupid he is which is why i have that tiny crush on him.

“you excited little stump?”

i’ve always hated that nickname they gave me, saying i look nearly identical to patrick.

“i hate that name.” i mumble.

“you gotta learn to love it, little stump. cause you won’t hear the end of it!” he flashes me a smile.

i lightly blush at his beautiful smile and look back at my food.

“i heard you tell patrick you brought a camera. you thinkin’ of taking photos of us on stage?”

“hmm, i was actually gonna take some of the cities but that isn’t a bad idea actually. i’d love to take pictures of you guys.”

“hey, maybe you can become our photographer once you get older.” he laughs.

“ugh being 15 sucks, i wish i was older.” i throw my head back.

“take in the childhood you have left. you may wanna be older but once you are, you’ll miss your youth.”

his words remind me of their song ‘golden’, my heart aching as i remember he wrote the lyrics.

“this tour will definitely be something i’ll remember from my youth. i know i’m patrick’s sister but you guys are honestly my favorite band.” i say.

“i’m glad we are.” he smiles once again to distract me as he took another fry.

a couple hours go by and it was finally time for us to board. we stood in line as he gave the lady our tickets, walking down the long hallway and into the crowded plane. large crowds make me stressed so weaving in between them was messing with my brain a lot. i got a window seat next to patrick, who obviously bought his ticket to be next to mine. i wiped my sweaty palms onto my pants, taking a deep breath.

“it’ll be okay. just breathe and don’t focus on the bad.” he grabs onto my hand and squeezes it tight.

i nod at his words and kept taking deep breaths. once everyone was settled down and the stewardess gave instructions on what to do when an emergency happens, the pilot began taking off. i gripped patrick’s hand as tight as i could as the plane took off. the force of us going up made me slightly sick to my stomach from the nerves, but once we were fully in the air everything felt smooth. i slowly opened my eyes and let out the deep breath i had, letting go of patrick’s aching hand.

“see, was it that bad?”

“n-not really, no..” i gulp.

“it’s okay. here take a nap, i know you’re exhausted.” he patted his shoulder.

i happily rest my head on his shoulder and let sleep take me over.

[alexcutecolly]

thanx for the concern! I’ve been rly exhausted recently but mayb resting in v.olo’s stomach or intestines while he rubs his belly would fix me >w< and he would enjoy that alot too I hope!! I love him a bunch

omg yes! V.olo falling asleep laying on us while we’re in there is so good!! uuu hearing his heart slow down all around us and knowing hes comfy and full!! ❤️

the first time would b a little scary for us and him too but it would be so relaxing after a bit and uuu can you imagine him feeling us slip behind his collarbone the first time ? and then he learns it really helped us relax and not work too much abd hed have more fun with it!! and making friends with his team is rly cute too a cuddle pile would be great and soft! and if he eats us or doesnt hed be so fun to hear talk about his favorite things like ruins n myths!!

omg you drew him as a merman that’s great!! What if he said we got the artefacts together cuz we were with him the whole time? and you’re right he’d be so warm and swaying back n forth when he’s swimming would be nice too!!

uuuuuu yes!! ❤️ and halfsize means he can savor us more and maybe lick his lips and sigh after he gets us all the way down in his human half but we still have a long way to go to get into a comfy spot in his coils where he could lay on us! uuuu omg omg a kiss where were resting in him is making me blush uwu hes so cute!

- v.olo uwu

ps. omg this ended up rly long sry

I'm finally here, I'm so sorry for the wait dear anon! 😓 I hope you're feeling better now! 😟 And oh don't worry about long asks! Write as much as you like! 💕

Mmmmm, V.olo's belly and intestines would definitely be of great help! 🥺 Imagine if they had healing abilities tbh! Like, no matter how exhausted or sick we are, some hours of rest inside of him and we're feeling like brand new! x3 and of course he'd love that! He could let himself relax for a bit and rub our spot, or even fall asleep as he does! 💕 Either option would be so cute hehe, and it'd feel so peaceful to be on the inside while he's slumbering ❤️

Oh yeah the first time ever would definitely be so so terrifying for us!! We wouldn't know if it'd be safe or not to stay inside his stomach, or if we could even be able to breathe at all! I feel like V.olo would feel a little calmer than us though, since he's the one that proposed the idea after all, and maybe he even practiced with some food before! x3

It'd be a whole different experience with a tiny wriggling person though, so he'd be surprised at first to feel us slide down and past his collarbone after swallowing us ❤️ and then we realize no harm is done in his belly and it's actually a soothing event for the both of us, and it turns into a pleasant habit from that moment forward x3

His team would really adore us imo! Like, we could sit down with his T.ogekiss and H.isuian A.rcanine by a bonfire and discuss various topics, like myths and the inscriptions/pictograms found in some ruins as we pet our mons 😭❤️ it'd just be a good time between close friends!

Oh thank you anon! 💕 I'm pretty proud of that drawing, hehe. I think V.olo would definitely say we found the artifacts together, since he's both technically not wrong and also a very endearing guy ❤️ I feel like the inside of his belly would be a little splashy for us because of some water he ingested, but other than that it'd warm us up and we could travel safely with him ❤️ also I think his m.erman scales would be golden imo, cause they'd look really good on him!

Ikr??? Half-size vore is amazing, cause it lets the pred take more of their time with eating and savouring the prey; it's a slower process than g/t vore, but it makes it even more satisfying for the devourer! You're so right btw, I can see n.aga!V.olo sighing and licking his lips once he's finished gulping us down, humming softly as he curls up in his coils and waits until we get to his tail stomach x3 💕 And we deserve a swift kiss when we do, because we've been such a good prey! Hehe, the idea makes me blush too! >w< ❤️

Also dear v.olo uwu anon, what do you think of the new L.egends game that's just been announced? I've never played the X./Y games, but it looks like I'll have to check them out in the future xD how about you?

[youdontknowwheretogofromhere]

Monday, October 14, 2024 6:42 pm

hey, how are you doing? hope you’re alright. i feel like complaining. can i complain?

so like, i know i talk about my boyfriend a lot. but like i feel weird. so super weird. so like i like him a lot. like he makes me happy and feel nice and shit. and this is a little bit personal and i don’t even really want to talk about it but why not right?

so like I’m really insecure, right? and i’ve been working on it, i promise. like my chest would be tight for like 3 days and 3 nights and i’d freak out about it and stuff. now I’m just like “yeah i guess i’ve ruined everything and it’s all my fault and this is why i can never have anything good but i can’t be bothered. how much can i really care?” so like it’s okay i guess. anyways my point is my bf is like horny all the time i guess. and I’m not, like at all. well i guess in like a general way cuz I’m horny in a i think about porn way but don’t really want to talk about it and whatever. but he’s always flirting like “i wanna fuck the shit out of you and make you scream” and like, how am i supposed to respond to that. and i was talking to his this afternoon, like round 3 pm (4 for him) and i was telling him about my day and then he was like “loser😘” and i said “don’t bully me” in like a playful way and then he said “I’m not,

oh my god

my response didn’t send 😭😭😭😭 holy shit he probably thought i was ignoring him

i need to kill myself

okay back to what i was saying. he said “i just wanna rail you until you scream my name” and i was like, hm. okay, sure. but now that I’m realizing my message didn’t send my whole thing doesn’t really make any sense. i feel really embarrassed

my response was really cringe. it was “i would like that, yes.. (￣︿￣)” which i thought was cringe enough to be kinda cutely awkward. then i was freaking out cuz he didn’t respond(kinda freaking but in my new, i guess it’s fine if i messed it up who cares, way) but like now that i know the message didn’t send i feel really bad

fuck bro

okay I’m resending now ^_^

done. phone on dnd. not checking notifications. we in good

my issue what I’m really weird and awkward and don’t know how to respond to sexual texts and shit. wow i can’t believe it didn’t send bro. i might have fumbled

noooo jk but like I’m a bit nervous

okay actually i gave in and checked notifs but NO MORE!!!!

sorry anyways, I’m really lame and idk how to respond to that shit and also sexual messages don’t do much for me. idk, i like voice stuff more(may be more to this but i won’t tell) i mean i listened to bf asmr for like 7 years now or so, so like maybe that’s its. but I’m also not really horny or if i am i don’t really have a physical reaction it’s more of a mental thing + idk how to masturbate so i just watch/listen to porn and thug it out and the more i type the more i realize i should have just used notes app

anyways i want to talk about personal things with you. i want to share my life with you because i know you listen. i

oh, i still have to talk about the i love you thing. well i haven’t thought about it much so sorry for lying but it just hasn’t felt like that big of a deal. i was thinking like 3-5 days ago, “i need to stop saying I’m in love with this guy, it’s so too early” and i even looked up a couple days before he said it when do people usually say i love you. but then he said it like it was the most natural thing in the world and i was like oh wow. that’s nice. it’s cool

anyhow. i don’t think i have much more to say. i love you a lot. no matter how horrible you are i love you. no matter how dirty you are i love you. no matter how shameful you may feel, i love you. with all my heart, with everything i have in me, i love you.

7:24 pm

[ruminate88]

Torn between “I’m actively forgiving them” and “It’s getting too painful” ❤️‍🩹 07/16/24

This morning I woke up to the idea “I’m NOT giving up” and I’m NOT but yesterday was bad. I haven’t had a bad day like that in awhile. I just felt done yesterday like I can’t keep going. I was dragging myself all irritated.

Blocking Andrew’s number was right for me and it gave me the freedom to move on to someone else BUT slowly the impact from the abuse has affected me in various ways. There has been times I really believed, “Oh, wasn’t so bad…. I’m ok.” And I AM ok but then other days more wounds come to the surface or more light is shed on other issues and it feels like a never ending process to heal and forgive. Some days I’ve felt I’m just going in circles or else I’m stuck but then other days I feel I’m making so much progress. I just never know what I’m going to get.

This past week especially last night I’m waking in the middle of the night and struggle to get back to sleep. Oddly last week I kept dreaming of Cody when it’s usually Andrew I dream of and then last night it was Jesse 😳 I haven’t dreamt of Jesse in a very long time. Jesse was the first guy I ever liked and tried to date him but never actually dated him, just crushed on him a very long time. I guess the dream meant nothing but idk why I feel so tied to the past 😓 I try so hard to stay grounded in the present but I just can’t connect. I feel like I’m a cellphone just trying so hard to get a good strong signal within myself and my relationships with my loved ones.

The abuse changes you and you can let it be good change or bad. You can become cold and hard or you can just take the valuable lessons you’ve gained and apply them to your life. My fear has been I’ll hurt my husband the way I’ve been hurt because I push so hard to connect to him and feel close and intimate with him but it’s hard to feel it. I’m just choosing to believe it’s there even though I don’t feel him. I know I jumped into marriage with him to escape the pain of Andrew. (Which didn’t fix me) I’m aware I used my husband in that sense BUT I also chose to be his wife and I’m trying to be supportive even when I’m angry inside over the past!! I’m angry that my exes wore a mask to make me look stupid. They have to wear one to cover up all the shame and wounds from their childhood and so they treat me like I’m so stupid they can just use and abuse me but don’t realize how real and genuine my love was and that I also was wounded and abandoned. I felt their pain and while my pain from childhood looks much different than theirs, it’s still pain. I was taught growing up to put others before myself. That’s the difference in us.

I tried to take care of Cody’s broken heart but he shoved me away cuz he can’t help it. He truly can not see beyond his barriers and he can’t see my heart. 😭😭😭 I’m sorry cody for all you went through and for how you were treated as a child. I’m sorry for how your dad did you and that you probably didn’t feel enough for him. However, I’m not sorry for the way I tried to love you regardless of ALL your disorders and insecurities. I can’t change you or make you be a real man. You might’ve never saw an example of a real man growing up, idk what you saw. I only know what you told me and I’m sure some of it was lies.

I loved both Cody and Andrew very much. They played on my heart strings and touched parts of my heart NO one had before. I don’t hate them and I DO want to forgive them and let them be. I feel bad for always talking about them or thinking about them. It’s not negative thoughts so much, it’s just trying to understand and process my feelings for them. Cuz I did love them and knowing they can only hurt me, that sucks. I don’t wanna hurt them back and I do want them to be ok. I hear Andrew’s words in my head, “if I’m hurting you so much, then stop caring about me” 😭😭😭😭 it doesn’t work like that drew!!!!!! You don’t get to tell me if I can feel for you or not. Joke is on you!!! I love you stilll and want you to be a better man. I worry about your soul. That’s my love. I worry about souls who have been in my story.

the fact you are in my story at all, means a great deal to me. Good or bad. You just don’t understand it. Cody and Andrew, you can’t be something you’re not. I accept that. I’m not trying to change “you.” Just be the best you possible, whatever that is and let your soul be made right and well ❤️‍🩹 you’ll never want the same for me but I want it for me. I AM NOT GIVING UP EVEN THOUGH I’M TIRED 🙏🏻

[tyunni]

ohh that’s good that your dad is understanding about that and that you get freedom in that aspect of your life. i think that’s important. i basically grew up in church lol i wasn’t necessarily forced? ig into the religion. it was more like i just grew up that way,,, if that makes sense lol. and pLS YOU DEF HAVE YOUR GRANDPA’S TALENT! and speaking of! imma just say it now,, your cb post may!!!! it was so good omg thank you for providing us with that quality 👏🏻 content 👏🏻 i really enjoyed it 😌 and i mean it when i say i can’t wait for the maknae ver. so you better come out with it soon 🔫

yeah i wish ppl were more understanding? open-minded? idrk if those are the right words but yeah i hope your country’s situation gets better :( also the predebut jakey pic 🥺🥺🥺 omg tho i’ve seen that one before, this time hit different for some reason 🥺 he’s just so cute pls 😭 and his lil cheekies 🥺 omg 😭 i’ll listen to you rant all the time if it means jakey pics 🤩 no i’m kidding but srsly tho that’s what i’m here for (not the jake pics,, unless? 👀 i’m talking about the ranting lol) thanks for sharing tho. it really sucks what your country is having to go through, and i suck at politics and things like that so i can’t really say much or suggest anything lol but yeah :( it’s nice to hear about and it’s insightful. i wish the best for you guys :(

ANSWERING THIS A BIT LATEHDWJSHEH

yeah i'm glad he didn't really drag me to church and stuff, i mean it was only natural cuz my mom isn't that big on religion either so if he could put up with her not wanting to go do religious activities he would be able to be just fine with me and my siblings AND YEAH I DO UNDERSTAND THAT there are definitely a lot of families that i know who take their children to church since they're little, and then the children grow to love the religion themselves and do it voluntarily. but also there a lot of parents who basically drag their children there almost every day and the poor kids just get squeezed into the big crowd of so many people and it's really sad to see because they obviously don't wanna be there, they can't even comprehend what's happening in the first place while their parents pay absolutely no mind to them because they're so caught up in their own stuff. the amount of times i've seen little kids, and i mean LITTLE like 5-6 years old, run around outside of church with zero parent supervision. so it kinda makes me mad (at the parents) when i look at them cuz they're obviously not old enough to know what's happening and get to know their religion in ways such as y'know going to church and listening to the adults talk about the importance of it, they simply want to have fun with their peers, not get crushed in a crowd.

AND TYSMDNSNDNDN I REALLY APPRECIATE IT THABK U FOR LIKING IT i was a bit nervous while posting tbh 😭😭😭 was and still am not very confident in it, but yk it had to be done cuz my followers were starving from 0 content from me for like two months 😞 AND YEAHSHHSHE THE MAKNAE VERSION IS DEFINITELY LONGER THAN THE HYUNG LINE VERSION,,,, jungwons one specifically (which i already have in my drafts, separately cuz it's literally too long) that i finished a few months ago. i need to write for sunoo and then maknae line will be out in no time!!! maybe- IF I GET THE MOTIVATION TO WRITE 🗣️📢

and tyty for listening fr i rlly hope it gets better too, but with the way things are going i can sense that it won't happen anytime soon :/ i just pray that i get out of here asap once i graduate and get a decent job cuz its getting too overwhelming to be surrounded by a bunch of idiots, not much coming from a high schooler ik but the adults here are literally d u m b. AND YEAHSHSHHW HERE U GO HERE R SOME JAKEY PICS. WHEN I TELL U THIS PERFORMANCE BROKE ME ENTIRELY. I'M GETTING BIAS WRECKED FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.

[yesitsmewhataboutit]

waiting for story time

Oop I should’ve known. Sorry I fell asleep🤭 anywho

(A little nsfw under the cut)

There was literally so much, and not to mention it was ALL during while we were working not even when we got a chance to slip away

- So one of the first things was while we were in the bottle room (I work at a grocery store ok) I kept messing with him cause I really wanted to play with his hair

He always wears a hood and a hat. I’ve seen his hair before but yeah he wasnt letting me cuz he said it looked bad

Ofc I kept going though. And at one point he sat down on the side. I think he was tying his shoe or something but he did and so I went over and was trying to do it again

That time he grabbed my wrists and held them and then pinned me against the wall jdnendjdksjdj

I’m literally smiling so hard thinking about it Omg

- One of the next things he did, literally like a few minutes later. While we were in the bottle room P was there too who’s our co worker and know about everything yk yk

I was annoying P and so he was like “u need to get a spanking. Somebody needs to spank you” AND C GOES “nah nah that’s my job”

Done bro. Dead. Over

- Later, we were outside together and took a break to rest and was sitting in the lobby. We sat down and I was next to him. I’d got down to fix my shoe cuz it kept untying and the laces messing up and stuff

So I got down to fix it and again I was right like in front of him/next to him. And he put his hand on the back of my head and pushed down on it a few times and I was like “bet you’d love to really do that”

And he was like “yeah especially when I’m in control” UGHHHHH😭😭

Y’all I really can’t. I was withering away

- And then, on the more sweet and so cute side

When we actually finally did slip away, he’s so sweet guys omg

Cuz he kept saying like “don’t do anything outta ur comfort zone” “tell me if you want to stop” “”I don’t wanna put you outta your comfort zone that’s the last thing I want to do” “I’m not trying to push you to do anything”

GUYS UGHHHHHHH

We weren’t even like… having sex. It was just so cute tho I’m living for it

So yeah, that’s all I can think of right now but I’m really sitting here kicking my feet and smiling

[aide-falls]

I unfortunately can’t speak much for Leiftan cuz I didn’t play his route (I was about to when ANE started and so I put him on hold to play ANE but now I’m glad I didn’t play him in TO cuz it gives me something to go back and hopefully get some of this ANE Leiftan out of my head (even not having read Lei i can even see that they do him so dirty in ANE, he had so so so much potential as well 😭)

I also would have preferred to actually SEE the stuff that would give us a reason to forgive Lamce, we have small crumbs to show he has cha he’d but nothing that’s forgive worthy .. it’s just (Erika:sees naked lance* why did I hate him again? Oh well let’s fuck him) pretty much there is not much development between their love story … hell besides needing to forgive him for killing Valkyon and needing to unpack that she also really should be yelling at him for almost killing her after he kidnapped her and all that shit it’s like she forgave him so easily and for no reason even if she didn’t flat out say I forgive you, being in a relationship with him I think is pretty much given she’s forgiven him

Leiftan the poor guy seems get the least amount of time/interactions (from what I’ve seen) and he’s pretty much constantly being shit on by everyone and seems to be in a dark place mentally and damnit they could explore him so much more, I also want to find out more of his past

Nevra yea your right it is mostly crumbs but I mean at least it’s something for him but damn it can be so much more I WANT more, even In TO in his route they talk about his clan being the big bad and in ANE … they hype the vampires up as such villains the whole time and then we get to it and think some shot is gonna go down and we find out more of Nev and then ….. it’s hardly anything? And I get he’s grown up as well but he’s lost his flirty side almost completely it seems (here and there we get it but like … idk he can be more serious about things but it’s almost as if he lost his fun loving side compleatly)

Honestly Valkyon had no reason to be killed off in TO if they weren’t gonna use it as a plot tool for the sequel, they didn’t use it to better the gaurd, they didn’t use it to honor him, they didn’t use it to help develop lance into a more forgivable character … I HATE that Valk was killed off for really no reason

Ez got a good amount in his route in TO but they still didn’t do as much with him as they could have

Mathieu … I’m just gonna say it im not all that interested in him, I called him being a traitor early on as did most people and I’m sorry to any fans of him but I just don’t find him interesting I don’t find him to add anything new and good to the story I would have much preferred they kept Valk alive or kept Ez, but honestly they could have done more with mathieu if they insisted on adding him and they could have made him more interesting

Huang hua is just annoying now and I just wanna punch her in the face half the time, she used to care about Erika but now she doesn’t

Honestly even Ewelien doesn’t radiate that same careing energy to me that she used to I think Jamon and karuto are the only ones that seem to have that kinda careing energy in ANE

I love Karenn and I get that her and chrome are older now but she doesn’t seem as friendly as before idk why

Chrome …. He’s funny but it feels like they almost dumbed him down and just made him a garbage disposal, he just seemed smarter and more mischievous in TO

Huang Chu I like more then her sister but like …. They keep hinting at these fights between her and HH but never go much deeper … witch they totally could

And like Koori …. She started out so promising with the Genkaku episodes and then she kinda became annoying and was getting used too often but like they gave her a good foundation in the 4th episode and they had that small spat with the kitsunes and then … nothing? Like tinjin straight up says they aren’t Allie’s anymore so I was expecting more but then we get nothing? Koori gets back to el and after the ball she’s pretty much back to normal? Like there should be more

… obviously beemoov wouldn’t sell Eldarya to another company but at this point I kinda wish someone else would buy it and redo it in a way that does it Justice, if beemoov isn’t gonna redo it, put time in it, and do it proper Justice (again I know that won’t happen) someone that can focus on it and not 15 other side projects (as much as I like my candy love and moonlight lovers) honestly they put so much energy in that uncoven game they tried to shove down everyone’s throats and from what I saw most people didn’t like that game or didn’t care so they should have spent that time making Eldarya good and doing it Justice (hell at this point I’m pretty sure at least half the fandom would have been more the happy to help with story ideas and beta reading and stuff even for free if needed by bee if it would mean that Eldarya was done correctly)

Yo man I am so sorry for jacking your post and turning it into a straight up rant, I knew I was upset about it but I guess I was even more upset then I even realized 😅🥺 I’m so sorry!

I'm having too much hope if I say they still have 5 episodes remaining to tell us what was Leiftan doing in episode 30 while Erika returns to the crystal and if it's related to the crystal spitting them out?