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andreafmn · 2 years ago

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Ours | Derek Hale Oneshot

Word Count: 3.5K Requested by @gracelynn318: "Derek or Stiles finding out that their significant other (the reader) is pregnant and they try to keep it secret for as long as possible" Warnings: pregnancy, pregnancy symptoms (vomiting, nausea, fatigue)

Summary: Derek Hale and (Y/N) have been together for a long time, and they didn't know something was missing from their lives until it arrived unexpectedly. And all they want to do is revel in the moment for as long as they can, by themselves.

A/N: this story follows 0% of canon, just the character's names. will admit. I am a horrible Teen Wolf fan that has yet to see season 5 and 6, and I've also yet to watch the movie. So, definitely an AU 😬also, be on the lookout for tonight or tomorrow for another surprise regarding this request 😉😉

Derek had noticed the change long before (Y/N) had. Long before she knew why she spent her days expelling her meals down the toilet drain, before she understood why her body craved more food than she could keep down, before she had even noticed that a month had passed and her period had not arrived.

It came late at night. The soft putter of a heartbeat that felt so far that it could have been confused with the sound of rain against the pavement. They had been lying in bed, the exhaustion of living in Beacon Hills the only thing they needed to crash at night. But the sound had been bothering Derek. The continuous rhythm didn’t allow the wolf to lose himself in much-needed slumber. The sound kept him up, especially from where it was coming from.

“(Y/N),” he whispered, running his hand up and down her arm to wake her. “(Y/N), baby, wake up.”

“Mm,” she groaned groggily, cuddling to his body tightly. “Go to sleep, Derek.”

“(Y/N), I gotta ask you something. Wake up.”

“We can talk in the morning,” she whined. “I’m tired right now.”

“It’s important,” he chuckled softly. “I need your complete focus.”

With a loud exhale, (Y/N) sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. The sheet fell from her torso, and the coldness of the night made her skin erupt in goosebumps. She rarely got angry with Derek, but she was coming quite close at that very moment. “You better have a good reason to wake me, Der,” she said. “I’m so tired I might just put off killing you until tomorrow.”

“Listen, please,” he said. “When was the last time you got your period?”

“What?” the girl questioned. “You seriously just woke me up to ask about my cycle?”

“More or less. Just answer. Did you get it last month?”

It took her a moment to think. The grogginess of being woken up still clutched her mind, and recounting the past weeks was hard. But her body startled awake as she realized she had not gotten her shark week in a month and a half. That fact alone did not scare her. She had always been irregular, and in moments of stress, it was more likely than not that she skipped a cycle. The problem was that not only had she missed a period, she had been feeling sick for the past three weeks. And the math was not too hard to do.

“I-I didn’t,” she stammered. “W-why are you asking?”

“Oh my god,” he answered. “Oh my god!”

“What? What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering, Derek pressed his ear to her stomach until he could hear the sound clearly. Alongside (Y/N)’s quickening heartbeat, a quieter, steady pattern joined. It was too indistinguishable now. “You’re pregnant,” he said. So quiet he wasn’t sure if he had said it at all. “There’s a baby in there. Our baby.”

“Pregnant…” (Y/N) could not believe the word even as it rolled out of her tongue. “I can’t believe it.”

“We’ll go to Deaton tomorrow, but I’m certain. I can hear their heart beating in there.”

(Y/N)’s mind was reeling. Pregnant, she thought to herself. The word felt foreign. So did her body. Derek had noticed the change before her. How could she not have known that a life was growing inside her? How could she ever be a mother when she did not even know herself?

Without realizing it, tears fell down her cheeks. She felt weak and panicked. The strong woman that had faced the biggest dangers and far scarier monsters trembled with the thought of a life depending on her for survival. It was one thing to volunteer to protect the members of the pack. They were old enough to fend for themselves. It was another to be responsible for the life and survival of another human.

“Hey,” Derek called. His voice sounded like it was underwater. So far away that she could barely hear it. “Baby, what’s going on?”

She hadn’t noticed that she had stood from the bed and was pacing around their room. Her breathing was shallow, and her chest heaved as she took in short breaths, trying to steady herself. Tears kept falling faster than she could wipe them away. They warmed her cheeks before the air turned them cold. It was the only thing that grounded her.

And Derek. Always Derek.

He had gotten off the bed, and within a second, he was wrapping his arms around her. The warmth from his skin calmed her. It brought her senses back to the moment, steadying her rampant heart.

“What’s wrong, (Y/N)?” he spoke into the crook of her neck. “Tell me what I can do to make it better.”

“I’m scared, Derek,” she sighed, tightening her grip around him. “A baby. Here. Now.”

“Why not here?” Derek smiled, his hands running through her hair. “Why not now? With you as their mother, that baby could be born underground, and they would be the luckiest child in the world.”

“How could you be so sure?” (Y/N) cried. “I forget things all the time, I’m clumsy, I can barely redeem myself when it comes to fighting. If it weren’t for my weapons, I wouldn’t bring much to the fight against our enemies. What good would I be to protect a child? How could I be entrusted with their entire upbringing?”

“Oh, (Y/N). You’re far more valuable than what you bring to a fight.” His hands cradled her face, the green of his eyes boring into hers. “You are the most caring person I know. If it weren’t for you, I would have killed half of the pack by now. You’re smart. You’re funny. And if anyone should be terrified of becoming a parent, it should be me.”

“Come on,” she scoffed jokingly, her tears finally subsiding. “You’d be an amazing father. Temperamental, but great nonetheless.”

“Well, I’m glad it at least got you laughing,” he grinned. “How about we just take this one day at a time, baby? Make sure we take things slow. Tell people on our own time. Instead of going to the doctor, we buy a pregnancy test at the pharmacy; confirm what I already know.”

“But if you can hear the heartbeat, I am sure all the other wolves will, too,” she worried. “How am I supposed to take things as they come when everyone will know the second they come here?”

“Then, I won’t let anyone back here,” he smiled. “I’ll have them meet me at the warehouse or at Argent’s place. We can say you’re sick with something and won’t be there. Or that you went to visit family out of state –I don’t know. The point is, we can do this, baby. I know we can.”

“Well, I do admire your tenacity,” she chuckled, kissing his lips softly and hugging him again. “One day at a time, right?”

“One day at a time.”

And it worked. For two months, at least.

That very morning, he went out and returned home with five pregnancy tests and a bouquet of flowers. And five minutes later, they all showed an array of dark pink plus signs and the word Pregnant on them. Just like that, it had been confirmed. A new baby Hale would be coming to Beacon Hills in eight months.

They were excited. Of course, they were. But they couldn’t help the terror that overtook them as well. Bringing a new life into their world was a scary thought. The fact that anyone with knowledge of their child could use them against them was terrifying. Still, they wanted that baby more than anything they had wanted before.

The child that grew inside of (Y/N) was the tangible representation of their love. Evidence that everything life had thrown at them had not been able to push them apart, not for a second. They had been through hell and back, always together, and they had come out of every single occasion stronger than before. That baby was the final piece to their equation.

The next day, they went to the first available OB/GYN about an hour from the town. The doctor confirmed what they already knew, adding the new fact that she was around seven weeks along. The process was more than uncomfortable, but the result was well worth it. A tiny blob appeared on the screen, and the sound of a rapid heartbeat filled their ears. It made tears well up in their eyes. That tiny thing would soon turn into their baby. And even though it didn’t even have a distinguishable shape, they had fallen in love with them.

At first, they thought they would pass the first trimester in bliss. That they would only grow more and more excited as the days passed. And they would have. Had it not been for all the symptoms that overtook (Y/N).

She spent most of her day hunched over the toilet seat, emptying whatever was in her stomach. Even when she thought she could keep food down, an hour or two later, she would be in the bathroom letting it out. And if she wasn’t vomiting, she was ransacked with deep waves of nausea. Then, her breasts started to swell, painful jabs running through her every few days. In addition to heartburn and fatigue, it made her question just how worth it a baby could be.

But Derek had been attentive as ever, if not a little overbearing. He had kept his promise of moving where the meetings were held, claiming that the loft was under renovation while (Y/N) was out of town for a bit. It wasn’t a complete lie, though. He used his downtime to clean up around the house and fix things he had put off for far too long.

He fed her saltine crackers and electrolyte drinks, rubbed her back, and held her hair, and he loved her. Every day and every night, he loved her. Even when he had to stay up cleaning the bathroom or he had to carry her back to bed. He loved her through everything.

“You did this to me,” she had groaned one day. “All I want is to eat chips and pickles, but I can’t keep anything down.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” he responded, drawing circles on her back as he cradled her body in the bathroom. “Hopefully, in a week, it’ll subside. You’re almost out of the first trimester, and the morning sickness should get better.”

“Stop reading pregnancy books,” she whined. “By the time this bun is fully baked, you’ll know more than me.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Derek chuckled but swallowed his laughter as (Y/N) gifted him an angry scowl. “Okay, okay. I think the ten books I’ve read will do.”

(Y/N) remained quiet and threw her head against his chest. His arms snaked around her body, a comfort she allowed herself to sink into. The warmth from his body felt nice against her shivering skin. But just his presence was enough to comfort her, regardless of the words she spoke.

“I’m sorry I’ve been snappy these past few days,” she sighed. Her eyes closed as he wrapped his arms tighter around her, her head falling against his chest. “I love this baby, and I love you, but I don’t love puking all the time. And peeing all the time. And being tired all the time. I want to fast forward to the next few months.”

“Hey, you can be snappy with me all you want. I can take it,” he said with a smile. “I will be right here every step of the way because I love you. More than you could ever know.”

“Even when I’m all big and bloated?” (Y/N) chuckled, her hands falling onto the growing small bump. “They're already trying to deform my body.”

“Well, at least you’re glowing.”

“No,” she sighed. “That’s just sweat.”

“Then you look beautiful covered in sweat,” he laughed. “Now, let’s get you to bed. Alright?”

(Y/N) could only nod and wrap her arms around his neck as he carried her back to bed, laying right next to her. Even if he couldn’t take this discomfort away, he was trying his best to make things better for her.

Another week passed, and things started to shift. The woman would only occasionally feel the need to throw up her food, but the constant nausea and heartburn had subsided. And once (Y/N) saw her baby's small fingers and feet in their 12-week ultrasound, she knew it had all been worth it.

She also knew they couldn’t keep the secret to themselves any longer.

The pack had become angsty. Wondering when (Y/N) would be coming back from her supposed trip. Two and a half months was far too long to just be with family. With no imminent danger in sight, they had too much time to check up on everyone else.

“I think it’s time we tell them,” (Y/N) told Derek as they watched a movie. She cradled her small bump, something she had unconsciously started to do. “We’re almost at the five-month mark, and I think it’ll be too hard to hide.”

“Do we really?” he groaned. “I can just keep you hidden here until the nine months are up. They don’t have to know a thing.”

“You would really keep the mother of your child sequestered in these walls until I give birth?”

“Maybe even more,” he shrugged. “Maybe I’ll keep you here forever.”

“You’re quite funny, Mr. Hale,” she chuckled. “But they are our friends —our family. They deserve to know there’s one more person to protect.”

“I’ve just really liked this time,” he sighed. His chin rested on her shoulder, his beard tickling her exposed skin. “You know, just you and me. Basking in the time we won’t have once everyone knows and once the baby is here. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, (Y/N). A family of my own, that I can love and protect. A home that’s ours.”

“And we will have that,” she smiled. “We’re just allowing more love in. The best part, at the end of the day, we can just kick them out.”

“When you put it that way,” he laughed before kissing her lips, savoring her. “Alright, fine. We’ll tell them next Saturday.”

“Thank you, Der. It’s gonna be great.”

And it should have.

Had it not been for the million things that went wrong that week. The A/C was busted for a total of four days, a pipe burst in one of the bathrooms, the paint they had ordered for the nursery had been put on back order, and the Camaro had to be taken into the shop for tuning. Thing after thing occurred, piling onto an already stressful time.

Nevertheless, the week came and went. And before either of them knew it, Saturday had rolled in.

To say (Y/N) was nervous was an understatement. For some reason, anxiety was taking over her body. Its claws dug themselves deep into her being. It made her veins run cold and her heart speed. She didn’t know how any of them would react to the baby. Even to the fact that they had kept it from them for so long. And although Derek tried his best to calm her worries, they had already made a home inside her head.

“God, what if they hate the fact that I’m pregnant?” (Y/N) worried as she laid out more food than necessary on the kitchen counter. “What if they find the idea of bringing a child into a messed up world to be the worst thing ever?”

“Who cares, baby? It’s our child,” Derek tried to reassure. “We are the ones that will be raising them. The ones to protect them. Always and forever.

“But they say it takes a village, Der. And that is one thing that I know is true. I mean, at some point, we will need their help.”

“And you really think we won’t have it,” he said, rounding the kitchen island. His hands traveled her body and, in one swift move, had her sitting on the counter. At eye level, he could stare directly into her glossy eyes. “We have been through everything with these people. Even the ones I hated at the beginning have become my closest friends. I’m 100% sure they’ll be thrilled that you’re pregnant.”

He snaked his hand to her chin, pulling her down for a soft kiss. But once their lips made contact, it was too much of a temptation to keep it chaste. Soon enough, their tongues danced together, and their hands pulled each other closer. It left them breathless and excited, wanting —needing more.

“Uh, we can come back if it’s a bad time,” Stiles’ voice rang through the apartment, startling them apart. “But you guys did invite us here. So, it’s kind of bad on you guys.”

“No. Yes! I mean, it’s not a bad time,” (Y/N) chuckled as she jumped off the counter, hiding her stomach with a comically large bowl. “We just got carried away, I guess.”

“The one day they decide to show up on time,” Derek grumbled under his breath. “Come in, why don’t you?”

Before they knew it, the apartment was filled with werewolves, a banshee, other werehumans and supernatural beings, and their very own abominable snowman. The couple remained in the kitchen as everyone situated themselves, whispering under their breath what the best way to go about it would be.

“Not to be pushy,” Peter called out. “But if you guys only called us over for some food, I have better things to do than hang around children all day.”

“You do know we’re all well above the age of eighteen, right?” Isaac retorted. “It’s been quite some time since we have been children.”

“You’re still younger than me, correct?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Then children,” he said. “So, what is it? Am I staying, or am I leaving?”

“Settle down, Peter,” Derek responded, biting back the urge to roll his eyes. “We do have something important to announce to everyone and would very much appreciate it if you just listen.”

“Fine,” he frowned. “But you have ten minutes of my time before I decide to leave.”

“All we need is a couple of seconds, really,” (Y/N) said with a smile on her face so sweet no one dared say anything else. “I’m sure you heard that I was away for a while and that we were undergoing renovations here. Which, as you can tell by the lack of changes, was not true. Derek lied on my behalf and moved any necessary meetings out of our home because I needed this time to myself as I underwent a sort of change in my life.”

“Oh my god, you’re dying,” Stiles worried. “Is it cancer? Is it at least treatable?”

“It’s nothing like that, Stiles,” she reassured with a soft chuckle. “But thank you for worrying. It’s just as life-changing but not necessarily life-threatening. At least, I’m hoping it’s not. But you could never be sure until…”

“(Y/N), you’re rambling,” Derek whispered in her ear. “It’s nothing bad.”

“You’re pregnant!” Lydia exclaimed, a bright smile adorning her face.

“How would you know that?” Malia questioned. “I thought you predicted death, not new life.”

“It’s common sense,” she shrugged, disregarding the comment. “She’s been hiding for months. The place smells like paint, and nothing in this room is painted, so I can only assume it’s a bedroom. And she hasn’t stepped out from behind the island that just so happens to cover her stomach. Two and two always makes four.”

“Except on this occasion, it made three,” (Y/N) chuckled. She walked around the counter and joined Derek’s side, her bump finally on display for everyone to see. “But, yes, Lydia, I am pregnant. Almost five months now.”

A shower of ‘holy crap’s and ‘oh my god’s rained over them as, one by one, the pack got to their feet and hugged the couple in congratulations. They rejoiced together and started planning how to spoil little baby Hale even before they were born. Every single person was as excited and overjoyed as Derek and (Y/N) were, anxious for when the baby was born.

Well, except Peter.

“Yeah, next time you have these kinds of news, little nephew, make sure to make it an email,” he grumbled, looking at his watch. “Can’t believe I canceled evening plans for a pregnancy announcement.”

“We love you too, Peter,” (Y/N) laughed. “Maybe if you leave now, you can still make it to whatever it is that you had planned.”

“I’m already here,” he shrugged as he sat back down on the sofa. “Might as well take advantage of the free food.”

“Ignore him,” Derek told her, wrapping his arms around her waist. “He can’t take this moment away from us. It’s all ours.”

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soulscollection · 2 years ago

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'𝐬𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚 𝐛𝐚𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐲' 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐬.

prompts designed around the concept of a character having a difficult day and another character arriving to help/support/care for them! i made these prompts on @soulprompts. DO NOT ADD TO THIS LIST NOR REPOST IT OR CLAIM AS YOUR OWN.

DIALOGUE PROMPTS.

" you look like you could use a hug. "

" please tell me you didn't cancel your plans for me... "

" don't be silly, you're much more important than some tinder date! "

" where's your jacket? i'd like to show you something, and it'll involve a bit of walking. "

" you know i'm always here for you, don't you? no matter what. "

" hey, now... i'm only ever a phone call away. "

" come on. let's get you to bed. "

" i'm listening. "

" hey, do you have any spare pajamas? i'm going to sleep on your couch tonight; that way you just need to shout if you need me. "

" what are your nightmares about? they may not be so bad if you talk about them. "

" another nightmare? "

" hey now, no more apologizing. i'm glad you called me; i meant it when i said any time, any place. "

" you know you're never a nuisance nor a burden. not to me. "

" i'm helping you, and that's final. i'm not taking no for an answer. now. where's your kitchen? i'm making us some comfort food. "

" maybe you think it's your job to look after everyone else. but it's not supposed to be like that. it works both ways. and now it's my turn to look after you. okay? "

" hey, now. you've been helping me ever since we met. it's about time i started repaying the favor. "

“ i’m so proud of you. i know it’s hard to get past these rough days, but... i still want you to know that i’m proud of you. “

“ you know, i reckon our bond is definitely strong enough to endure whatever it is that you need to get off your chest. “

“ it’s alright, now... i got you. “

“ you don’t need to worry about scaring me off. i’m not going anywhere. you can try as hard as you want, but there’s nothing you can say that’s going to make me like you any less. “

“ you know, i make the best hot chocolate in the world. seriously, i’ve asked absolutely everyone on the planet. everyone except you... what do you say? wanna make it a global fact? “

“ let’s go smash some stuff until you’re ready to talk, okay? “

ACTION PROMPTS.

[ TEA ]: sender prepares a mug of hot tea for the receiver.

[ BLANKET ]: having found the receiver either sleeping or just lying on the couch, sender gently takes a blanket and drapes it over them.

[ BATH ]: sender runs a hot bath for the receiver after a particularly challenging day.

[ DINNER ]: having learned that the receiver has had a difficult time lately, sender arrives at their door with their favorite dinner and drinks.

[ COOK ]: in an effort to boost the receiver's spirits, sender arrives with all the ingredients needed to make the receiver's favorite comfort food, with the well-intended intentions of cooking it for them.

[ FORT ]: sender builds a blanket fort for the receiver following a long and difficult day.

[ HUM ]: sender hums gently under their breath to soothe and comfort a distressed receiver.

[ WIPE ]: after the receiver has stopped crying, sender tenderly leans forward, cups their face in their hands, and wipes their tears away.

[ JOURNEY ]: noticing the receiver has had a particularly rough day, sender invites them to accompany them on a walk or drive to get out of the house.

[ HAIR ]: as the receiver leans against them/lies in bed, sender begins to run their hand through their hair to soothe them until they relax or fall asleep.

[ CARRY ]: sender lifts a (nearly) sleeping receiver and carries them into their bed, tucking them in in the process.

[ GUIDE ]: sender physically guides an exhausted receiver into their bedroom, following weeks of very little sleep and very high amounts of stress.

[ BESIDE ]: receiver wakens from their first genuinely restful sleep in weeks, to find the sender asleep next to them, having been holding the receiver throughout the night to help them fall asleep.

[ BEDSIDE ]: receiver wakens from their first genuinely restful sleep in weeks, to find the sender asleep in an armchair by their bedside, having stayed there for the night in case receiver had a nightmare or needed them in any other way.

[ KISS ]: as a gesture of comfort and affection, sender leans forward to kiss the receiver on the forehead.

[ HAND ]: noticing the receiver is close to tears, or otherwise struggling with an unseen but considerable burden, sender gently takes their hand and holds it in an attempt to comfort and encourage them.

[ RUB ]: sender gently rubs receiver's back in a soothing motion.

[ TV ]: sitting next to the receiver on the sofa, sender joins them in watching their favorite show/movie on the television.

[ HOLD ]: as soon as the receiver opens the door and realizes the sender is there, sender wordlessly opens their arms out, and gives the receiver a warm, sorely needed hug.

#ask meme #roleplay memes #rp memes #roleplay meme #rp meme #roleplay prompt #rp prompt #ask prompt #writing prompts #ask prompts #sentence starter #sentence starters

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onlyjaeyun · 1 year ago

Text

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐁𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒 – 𝟔𝟎

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐈𝐗𝐓𝐘: 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝

↬ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐉𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

↬ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔, 𝐂𝐄𝐎!𝐉𝐚𝐲, 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐲!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

↬ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟐.𝟕𝐤

"Y/N, honey, where are you?"

The sound of Sora's voice makes its way through the now empty hallways of your new home, just loud enough to reach you.

"I'm in the kitchen, doing the dishes!"

You let out a soft sigh of exhaustion as the events of today finally get the best of you and you actually catch yourself craving absolute silence.

The housewarming party went exactly as planned and you couldn't have been more grateful. After weeks of living such chaotic days one after the other, you're simply relieved that not a single thing went wrong tonight. The food was amazing, your guests were only the people closest to you, everyone had a great time and there was not an ounce of negativity.

When the girls had basically kidnapped you to go and get yourself all dolled up only ghree hours before the first guests were set to arrive, you couldn't help but feel stressed and anxious but now after not only receiving a compliment to your look of the night from basically every sinfle guest, but also realising just how much more comfortable you were once you felt a little bit more presentable and didn't have to worry about that part yourself, you're that much more grateful for your friends' thoughtfulness.

Seeing your boyfriend's sweet and genuine reaction was just a bonus to it all.

Now that most of the guests are gone and it's just your closest circle, you feel a little less stressed and a lot more relaxed than about an hour ago.

You know subconsciously hiding yourself behind household chores isn't the most mature way to get yourself the few minutes of aloneness you've been craving for the past twelve hours but at this point you're way too exhausted to even care enough.

"Oh, goodness, you really are doing the dishes!" Sora's sweet giggles fill the soace of your kitchen with this certain type of warmth and as soon as your eyes meet the sweet gaze of Jongseong's mother, you know the exact reason behind the sudden change in atmosphere.

Sora, Nayeon's mother and your boyfriend's bonus mom, as well as Mirae, have been giving you the motherly love you've never experienced in your life and as they come to stand next to you, it definitely takes a lot of self control and willpower for you to suppress the urge to just burst into tears. Their constant words of reassurance, affection and appreciation are simply something you're not used to and with each time they smile at you with nothing but love and adoration in their calm eyes, you can physically feel yourself heal from everything your inner child has been through.

"Do you need any help, sweetheart?" Mirae asks oftly and caresses your hair softly, something you'd usually feel incredibly uncomfortable with yet with her it's never bothered you, not even on the day Jongseong had introduced the two of you to each other.

"No, thank you", you reply calmly and shoot her a quick smile back, "I'm almost done anyway. The dishwasher's running and I finished most of the pans and pots the chefs had used."

"You're amazing", Sora is quick to praise you for your hard work, "but how about we help you with the drying so you can come back and join everyone on the balcony for some wine, hm?"

"Jay's asked about you at least four times since you disappeared and I'm pretty sure Yeonie's gonna punch him very soon if he doesn't stop." Mirae's little comment has you all burst into loud laughter as memories of the two siblings actually physically fighting each other during the traditional saturday brunch because of the most random things.

The fact your boyfriend not only grew up but still very much maintains the close bond he has with the women in his life makes you incredibly happy and grateful to be a part of. You never knew what it felt like to have a loving mother, a sister or a sibling who not only appreciates and loves you, but also enjoys your presence and makes you feel special and valued.

With Jongseong, you didn't just find the love of your life but he actually gave you the one thing you've always been missing: a family.

The longer you think about the actual kmpact and influence your boyfriend has had on you and your mindset despite the rather short amount of time you guys have known each other, the more you find yourself falling in love with him.

He's the first man in your life who kept all of his promises, who gives you the love you're giving him, even more at times, who cherishes and appreciates every little thing you do, be it for him or yourself. Jongseong has managed to heal the deepest wounds in your heart and your soul, sometimes with nothing but a simple look of gratitude and happiness.

You know that to some people you might be exaggerating, but you know deep down in your heart, that Park Jongseong was always meant to be yours, it just took him a little to find you.

"You've got lost in your thoughts, hm?" Mirae smiles and starts rolling her sleeves up before she reaches for a towel and then one of the pots you had just finished washing.

To Jongseong's luck, it seems like you're perfectly occupied, since he hasn't seen you in about twenty minutes, giving him and everyone else involved enough time to secretly set up the baclony for the proposal.

The past four hours felt like a whole decade to the young business man. Every time he talked to you or literally anyone who has absolutely no idea about the little black box he hid between his socks right before you came back from your hair appointment, Jay felt like losing his mind.

Keeping this to himself turned out a lot harder than he could have ever expected. Of course the guests had managed to distract him well enough, but every now and then, especially when you found your way to him, Jong couldn't help but panic.

He really wanted everything to go as planned, not because of his perfectionist nature but rather because he wants to give you exactly what you deserve. The best and nothing but that.

Thankfully his boys and your friends had managed to take care of everything, even going as far as subtly sending the last guests home just to make sure it's only the people you both care the most about.

Jongseong nervously allows his eyes to roam the little set up his sister had organised in under an hour, saving him and his one perfect opportunity the way she's done it one too many times already.

Jaeyun and Sunghoon quietly carry the last two lighted letters to their designated spot, while your best friends are busy throwing rose patels all over the floor and Heeseung takes care of giving the surprise its last touch ups by lighting the little candles, which are basically leading the way from the door.

"Moms are distracting her just a little longer", Nayeonie suddenly says and appears by his side out of nowhere, "how are you feeling?"

For some reason, Jay struggles to find words to answer that particular question.

He's excited and nervous, of course in the best ways possible. Yet, there's still that little voice in the back of his head which has been spitting the worst, most frustrating things for the past few hours and has easily turned all of his joy and happiness into worry and anxiety.

Jay knows you're going to say yes. But then again – does he, really?

You two have talked about this multiple times and each time you made sure to let him know that you'd definitely not reject him if he ever asked you the big question, regardless of the timing.

So why is it that his head is filled with scenarios of you being disgusted, horrified and at one point even angry at him for doing something like this?

"Stop overthinking it", it's Yeonie's soft voice yet again, one of the few people in his life who're not only able to read him like an open book but also find their was through those messy thoughts of his.

"I'm nervous", Jay finally says and lets out abloud sigh as his fingers nervously fumble with the ring box in his pocket, "what if she says no?"

"Oh, shut the fuck up", Yeonie rolls her eyes and lands a firm slap on the back of her brother's neck, eliciting a round of laughter from everyone around, "you guys talked about this like ten thousand times. Plus, you're disgustingly in love with each other. I promise you, she's not going to reject you."

"And if she does, I'll take the ring, brother!" Jaeyun is quick to make a random comment to lift his best friend's spirit and before he can actually laugh about it, Jay and the other two boys basically form their well known choir as they question the young man's mental stability.

"Sim Jaeyun, what the fuck?"

"Anyway", Nayeon laughs and comes to stand in front of her younger brother with the proudest expression in her eyes and a huge smile on her face, "let's do this."

And as you're casually refilling Sora's wine glass, the women can't help but smile at how awfully unaware you are of what's been going on on the other side of your apartment.

You don't even notice the way one of them pulls out their phone to respond to a message, too lost in your own thoughts and the feeling of exhaustion overwhelming your body after such an eventful and social day.

Jongseong knows you're at a point in your day where all you can think about are your pyjamas and sleep, which is why he's pretty sure the surprise is going to do exactly what it's supposed to do.

"Let's go and join the others, hm?", Mirae says and smiles at you ablittle bigger than just a few minutes ago, leaving you a little gonfused why she'd be so enthusiastic all of a sudden but you're way too tired to even question it as you nod and follow them into the big living room.

To your surprise, the lights are turned off, the only source of light coming from the balcony and with your brows furrowed in confusion, you don't even wait for your boyfriend's morhers and quickly make your way to see what's going on.

It takes your brain a whole minute to process what you're currently looking at and as soon as your eyes meet the gaze of your lover again the end of the candle way, a thick veil of tears blurrs your vision.

"Oh, my God", you whisper and read the lighted letters behind him over and over again, just to make sure that you're actually reading them right.

Both Mirae and Sora come to stand next to one of the boys a little further away from you as all of your loved ones watch the shock take over your body with big smiles and emotional eyes.

Jongseong, on the other hand, is basically about to pass out. The sught of your pretty eyes filling with tears the longer you look at him makes his heart slam even harder against his rib cage and for a moment it feels like his lungs are hyperventilating.

Your body moves to approach your lover before your mind can follow and by the time you come to stand in front of him, tears have already stained your cheeks.

"Hi, Baby", Jay sighs and chuckles when he notices the look of pure shock in your usually so excited eyes.

"Hi, Jongie", you respond almost instinctively, your voice breaking at the end of your greeting and if it wasn't for the fact that this is about to become the best moment in yojr life, you would have been a sobbing mess already.

For a short moment, Jay allows himself to stop and just look at you. He carefully and attentively takes in the way you're looking at him, the details of your beautifully crafted facial features, his gaze dropping to your quivering bottom lip and right back up into the eyes he's found home in.

"Y/N", he begins softly, knowing (or hoping) the usage of your name is going to make it feel a little realer, a little less like a dream, "my one and only love. My everything. My home."

Just as usual, Jongseong's words are carefully chosen, well thought through and hit the deepest parts of your heart in a way only he's ever been able to.

"I always wanted to believe in love and soulmates, fairytales and romance but the older I got, the more I started losing hope. Until you stepped into my office and looked at me with those breathtakingly beautiful eyes", Jong lets out a shaky sigh, not quite used to being so vocal about his feelings in front of others but right now, nobody but you matters to him.

"My sweetest angel, my sweet souled girl", he deeply inhales and reaches for your shaking hands, gently holding them in his own to calm your racing heart down and in that moment, you're reminded of just how beautiful Park Jongseong is.

"You're my best friend, my soulmate, the one person I've waited for all my life. I don't think you have a clue what your love has done to me", with each and every single word falling past his lips, another tear of joy and happiness finds its way down your cheek, yet you never once dare to avert your gaze away from his. Too mesmerized by the love and adoration gleaming in the sweetest shade of brown you've ever had the privilege to look at.

"You saved my soul, Y/N. With every joke, every pun, every single sassy comment and comeback you've brought me back to life just a little more. And here I am, Baby. Alive and happy, because of you. Before you came into my life, I never really knew what I wanted or what I was working so hard for. But now I know", Jay whispers as the rawness of his words get the best of him and tears start pricking at the corners of his eyes. But before you can even reach for his face, he lifts your hands up to his lips and places a row of soft kisses on your knuckles.

"Everything I do, everything I own, everything I am belongs and is dedicated to you, my sweetest angel. You make me want to become the best version of myself, a better man, a better human, a better friend and son. Loving you, being by your side is my joy, my happiness, my biggest achievement and privilege I've ever received."

Just when you think your heart has reached its capacity, Jongseong looks at you with gentle eyes, slowly lowers himself on one knee and smoothly pulls out a little black ring box from his pocket.

However, he doesn't say anything until he's made sure to hold your right hand in his again, the skinship easing his thoughts, calming his soul just how he needs it.

This is it. This is the moment he's been dreaming about and waiting for all his life.

"You're my best friend, the love of my life. My home. It'd be an honor to make you my wife and spend the rest of my life loving, appreciating and cherishing everything you do. So, will you marry me?"

For the very first time in your life, there's not a single doubt, worry or an ounce of hesitation in your system and without missing another beat, you start nodding your head.

"Yes, yes, yes", you say and finally throw your arms around his shoulders as nothing but happiness and the feeling of being completed in a way you've been craving for far too long finally takes over you.

"I love you so much", you whisper against his lips, Jongseong's breathtakingly beautiful face firmly placed in your palms as he looks at you with literal stars gleaming in his dyes.

"I love you so fucking much", is the only thing he says before you go in for another tight hug, knowing life has finally given you exactly what you've been waiting for all this time.

All those dark nights you spent by yourself, all alone, unloved, heartbroken and abandoned will now forever remain in the past. They can't hurt you, not anymore.

You've finally found your missing piece.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N: i don't even know what to say exceot excuse the spelling errors pls it's 2am and im stressed bc SB is now officially finished im gonna go cry..see you guys for the epilogue tomorrow 🤕 thank you SO much for everything babies. i love you.)

TAGLIST CLOSED: @soonigiri i @xrr-s4sha @kwiwin @heelcvr @deobitifull @kpoprhia @doodlelibrary @abrazosolorcereza @certifiedmoa @sleeping-demons @heerinnie @ohmy-moonlightx @heeswif3y @hoonieluv @fakeuwus @jongszn @cheybabey @ineedsomezzz @super-amberlynn @kshoshi @tinie03 @jseongies @mimikittysblog @primroselover @heebrry @jebetwo @donghyckl @07myonlylove @enhamysunshines @quemirasboboandapaya @lostwonderwall @seuomo @enhaz1 @teawithbucky @beomgyusonlywife @dammit-jjk @lhsvibez @azurez @boutyouwonu @finchyyy @ocyeanicc @jaylaxies @in-somnias-world @zerasari @spookyauthorspopmusictrash @capri-cuntz @fluerz @3amstarlight

#enhypen social media au #enhypen smau #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen jay social media au #enhypen writers #enhypen jay smau #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #park jongseong smau #park jongseong social media au #park jongseong smut #park jongseong angst #park jongseong fluff #park jongseong x reader #park jay x reader

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osmanthus-wine-addiction · 1 year ago

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One Man's Stone is Another Man's Gem

◈ Pairing: Zhongli x fem!Reader ◈ Summary: You've just gotten out of an exhausting relationship with your boyfriend of ten years. Your boss, who you've only brushed shoulders with a few times in the six years you've worked at the company, suddenly makes you an offer that you can't turn down. ◈ Contains: NSFW, Boss/Employee Relationship, Power Imbalance, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Emotional Manipulation

The table was at the back of the restaurant, nice and secluded. The seats were comfy as usual. Since you were sitting beside him instead of across from him, the atmosphere was much more intimate than you anticipated. You hoped you wouldn’t get too comfortable with him after pouring a few glasses of wine down your throat, or else you were definitely going to act on these already unruly hormones.

The food came and you had unknowingly downed half a bottle of wine. You couldn’t help yourself. You wanted to loosen up after all the stress you had been under and Zhongli’s presence gave you an unexplainable sense of security.

“Why are you treating me so well, Mister Zhongli? I’m just an assistant.” You asked him again.

Zhongli chuckled softly, his eyes fixed on you. “You’re more than just an assistant to me,” he said with a hint of something else in his voice. “And I promise to never let someone hurt you like that again.”

You giggled at his words. You must be mishearing. Maybe you had drank too much. Why was Zhongli, your boss, reciting lines from a romcom you had watched last week?

“You don’t need to promise me anything. I’m... I’m sort of past taking people at their words.” You waved your hand in front of him animatedly.

Zhongli leaned closer, his warm breath ghosting across your cheek.

“I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep,” he whispered.

He sounded so sincere. You were forced to snap out of your wine induced daze for a moment and stare at him.

“I owe you for that day. I’m very grateful for it, Zhongli.” You chewed on your words, struggling to word them in a way that sounded less shameless. “But it sounds like you’re not just talking about work...”

He drew in a breath. “You’re right. I was going was going to say this to you after you’ve moved on from him, but it looks like you’ve seen through my intentions.”

Zhongli could not be implying the ridiculous things running through your head right now. He was the CEO of the company you worked at for the past six years. Someone like him wouldn’t even look at someone like you. You had to preserve what little dignity you had left after allowing yourself to be used by a man for ten years. Delusions like this were only going to plunge you into an even deeper pit of despair. You might be drunk, but you refused to let go of your reality, no matter how bleak it was.

“You didn’t have to help me, but you went out of your way to, and I’ll always remember that.” You told him as you leaned into him.

The neckline of your dress gave him an inviting view of your body from this angle, but you weren't concerned. If he wanted to see more, you wouldn’t deny him the chance to, but why would he want to in the first place?

“I don’t get you, Zhongli. I appreciate that you’re doing all this for me, but don’t you think you’re doing a little too much?” You squinted as you watched him up close, as if the answer to your question was written in fine print somewhere on this handsome face of his.

He pulled back slightly. “Quite the contrary. I can’t help but feel I’m not doing enough.”

“Oh, you’ve done plenty. As far as being my boss, you’re doing much more than I ever expected from you. To be honest, it feels a bit like...”

“Like I’m pursuing you?” He finished the sentence you were too afraid to finish. “If I say I am, will you let me?”

#zhongli x reader #zhongli #genshin zhongli #zhongli smut #zhongli x you #zhongli x y/n #zhongli fanfic #minors dni #minors do not interact #mdni

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iamthecomet · 2 years ago

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So hear me out!

As a fandom, we LOVE putting Dew through the wringer. Many ppl write his character as emotionally complicated and fucked up. Little guy had a hard past and does not deal well with feelings nor does he always have healthy coping mechanisms.

We have all seen fics where he deals with his shit through self harm/substance abuse, subspace, anger, age regression, animal regression, disassociation, etc.

And maybe this idea has been written before...but maybe not-

What if instead of all of the other mentioned stuff that he used to do...now that he's older he just finds it easier to go a little feral for a while in order to cope? It's natural ghoul behavior anyway. Like, when stuff starts to builds up and he stresses out badly...he starts to show the signs - he gets bitchy, distant... but now, instead of falling into a deep depression or setting shit on fire he reverts to full mindless feral pit beast?

He wanders off naked, into the woods for a few days. He eats deer and birds and bugs and stuff, crawls around in the dirt for a while until it blows over and he feels better.

And at first, everyone's kind of like "Oh shit, Dew's gone feral!" But then they realize that it's actually better than him doing all of that self/property/relationship destructive stuff or actually hurting a sibling, so they just kind of let him go and do his thing? Because they know that it will run its course and he'll come back after a week or two.

Maybe the clergy sends out an abbey-wide email announcing that there's a" feral ghoul in forest B so stay out of there for a while until it leaves the vicinity". And they put up some warning signs so people don't go out on those trails or near where he's been spotted. Kind of like how they do it in Yellowstone park or something when there's a bear or a cougar spotted near a trail so people stay off of the trail.

Anyway, that's my thought!

Gremlin

#goneferal #feralasacopingmechanism

I am so into this! It's so much easier to just walk away sometimes. To just let all the shit he's been bottling up loose in his true form. Just letting go. Slipping free of humanity in order to get his head on straight again.

It happens a few times a year, before and after tours when he's the most stressed out. I like to think sometimes others join him. Mountain will slip into his true form and just sort of hang out with him at a safe distance if Dew will tolerate it. Sometimes Aether too. They check on him, mostly just making sure he hasn't hurt himself, or wandered too close to a town or anything. But mostly he's left alone, to his own devices, to work it out on his own.

Sometimes they'll get caught up in it with him. It feels good to let go. And yeah, Siblings definitely get periodic email updates. Stay away from the eastern swamps. Don't go into the southern pine grove.

He absolutely comes back covered in dirt and scratches, hair greasy. Eyes dull and exhausted. And docile. He lets himself be ushered into a bath. He's pliable, longing for attention, his voice soft and quiet from disuse.

He stays in his room for a few days after, sleeping it off, picking at the food the others bring him. But once the exhaustion is gone he's back to his normal self again. The whole thing is a little stressful for everyone, but far less stressful than when he used to throw tantrums in the abbey, so no one is about to ask him to stop.

#comet comments #dewdrop ghoul #headcanons #gremlin

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stingraywipe · 10 months ago

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Hey! Here's a little thing I wrote for @sincerely-sofie 's The Present is a Gift AU with her characters Twig and Kip. I wanted to get it out sooner, but alas life happened and I was unable to work on it as much as a wanted to. This is also the first time I've done any sort of creative writing in years, so hopefully it isn't too bad. Anyways, here it is! I hope you like it :)

The Sunrise

It was dawn when Kip woke up. It was rather early and he was still tired, but he rolled out of bed to go check on Twig. He knew she probably wanted her space, but he couldn’t help worrying about her more than usual after the previous few days’ events. He yawned and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, then quietly cracked open the door of Twig’s room. His heart skipped a beat when he saw that she wasn’t there. He rubbed his eyes again to make sure he was seeing right. Yup. Twig wasn’t there. Feeling panic begin to set in, Kip took a moment to breath and recollect himself.

“Calm down, there’s NO need to be freaking out about this,” he thought. “Twig likes going on walks when she needs to clear her head, or if she wants to be alone to think on something. She’s probably just doing that. She’s been through a ton the past few days, so it makes sense that she would want to do that. She’ll probably be back here soon.”

Despite knowing that, Kip decided to make a quick check outside anyway. He was already pretty awake after the initial shock of Twig’s absence, and taking a look couldn’t hurt. Maybe he could watch the sunrise while he was out there. He hadn’t done that in a while, and it would be a good way to unwind for a bit after the stress of the past week.

Apparently Twig had the same idea, because she was already sitting near the edge of the cliff looking off into the distance. She was visibly ok, and even seemed less tense than she had been recently. Despite this, Kip felt the need to make sure she was actually fine. He knew too well how Twig feels the need to hide anything that ails her from everyone no matter how serious it is, so it was going to take more than just visual evidence to convince him.

“How’ve you been holding up?” Kip asked as he approached. Twig jumped a little and spun her head around, relaxing again once she realized it was just him.

“Jeez dude, you scared me! Did you have to sneak up on me like that?”

“Oh no, I didn’t mean to startle you!” Kip responded. He hurried over to where Twig was and sat down next to her. “I just wanted to check up on how you were doing. I saw you weren’t in you room and I-”

Twig cut him off. “Relax man, I’m just giving you a hard time.” She gave him a playful punch to the arm. “And, umm. I’ve definitely been better. I think I’ve cried more than enough for an entire lifetime over the past few days. Maybe even two lifetimes. I didn’t even know fire types were capable of producing that much water.”

Kip chuckled at that. “Yeah, but it needed to happen, you know. That’s what you get for being silly and stupid and somehow convincing yourself that none of us like you.”

Twig sighed. “I know, I know, you’re right. It doesn’t mean I have to like it though. It’s physically AND mentally exhausting.”

“I feel you there. I feel worn out, and I haven’t cried anywhere near as much as you!”

“Yup. I totally have you beat.”

Kip gave her a baffled look. “Are you seriously bragging about how you’ve cried more than me?”

“I sure am. I gotta take my wins when I can get ‘em.”

He burst out laughing at that. “Well, if your jokes are anything to go off of, I’d say you’re holding up pretty well. Seems to me like the funny Twig I know and love is finally starting to come back. I guess I was worried about nothing.”

Twig shrugged. “I guess.”

Neither one of them said anything else for a while. They sat in silence and watched the sun slowly climb higher on the horizon. It was one of the sunrises with lots of pink mixed in with the oranges and yellows; the kind that Twig loved the most. The sea below them glistened like gemstones, with rolling waves that shimmered in the bright light. Kip had almost forgotten how beautiful the sunrise was at Sharpedo Bluff. Sure, he could watch the sunrise when he was away on his expedition, but they just weren’t the same there as they were here. Besides, he was with Twig now, which made it even better.

Kip smiled. “I missed this,” he murmured.

“Missed what?” Twig asked.

“This. Watching the sunrise with you. Going on walks. Just talking. You know, enjoying the little things in life with you.”

“Dude, you know you can still do those things without me right?”

“I guess, but they wouldn’t be the same. You’re what makes them special.”

They were both quiet for a bit. Twig was first to speak again. “Dang, I really messed up a lot of stuff with my dumb thoughts then. Sorry about that.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop apologizing for that!?” Kip responded. “None of us blame you for any of that stuff. If anything, it’s MY fault for not doing anything sooner despite seeing through all of your terrible lies. Besides, it’s in the past now. All we can do is focus on what we can do now, in the present.”

“I guess you’re right.” she said. “You know dude, if you really wanted to hang out with me THAT badly, you could’ve just asked.”

“Ok, noted. You’d better be prepared for lots of requests then if that’s what it’s gonna take.” Kip glanced over at Twig. Her expression was a bit troubled, as if she was contemplating something he had said. Seeing that, he nudged her and spoke again.

“You know I meant it right? What I said before.”

Twig turned her head to look at him. “What? The part about how me being there somehow makes things better?”

“Yeah, that one. I want to make sure that sticks with you, because you seem to be quick to forget it. You’re an amazing person. I know it’s hard for you to see it right now, but we all really do care for you more than you could imagine. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to convince yourself of all that, because all of us are happy to remind you as many times as it takes. Nothing you think or say or do will ever change that.”

Twig’s eyes started watering at that. “Seriously dude,” she croaked. “I was just complaining about how I was tired of crying. Did you really have to go and make me-”

Kip pulled her into a hug, cutting her off. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me Twig. You always will be. Please don’t ever forget that.”

They stayed like that for a while. Kip held Twig there for as long as she needed to cry. After a bit, Twig slowly pulled away and took a moment to wipe the tears out of her eyes and regain her composure.

“You good now?” Kip asked her.

“Yeah, I think so. I think I actually feel a bit better than before, funny enough.” She shifted her gaze back to the horizon, where the sun had climbed a bit higher over the ocean. They sat there quietly, simply enjoying each other’s presence. For the first time in a while, it seemed as if everything was truly at peace.

Twig eventually broke the silence. “You know what? I missed this a lot too. This is nice.”

“Yeah,” Kip said, nodding in agreement. “This is nice.”

#the present is a gift au #pmd #pmd2 #pmd eos #pmd explorers #pokemon mystery dungeon #fanfic #thanks for reading

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pintsizeninja · 4 months ago

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Writing Update

Not too much to share this week, since I already posted earlier about finishing the one shot. It's nice to have that done and out of the way. I'd been wrestling with it since July and now I can fully focus on my novel.

For some reason, I always seem to fall into a funk of sorts when I finish a piece, and that definitely happened this past week. It's been a bit of a struggle to write, and work's incredibly stressful right now so I'm just exhausted.

Warriors, Poets and Elder Gods Update

We're less than a week away from the first chapter drop!

I did finish up the short chapter I mentioned last week. The chapter I'm currently working on is a very difficult one, both from a technical perspective (lots of moving pieces, trying to strike the balance between providing enough detail yet not drawing things out) and an emotional one. I've put countless hours of research into the subject, and hopefully I'll do it justice.

It's a bit of a funny thing, putting so much time and effort into something not a ton of people will read, but if you do read it, I hope you enjoy it. 🥰 It is an absolute labor of love, and I'm excited to share it with the world.

#pintsizeninja's writing #writing update

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phynixdotcom · 2 years ago

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I got a lotta weird realtionships w/ my mind, & now you gotta hear about 'em.

I don't really have nightmares. Not to say I don't get dreams with scary things in 'em -- I do ! But, in my mind, I've drawn a line in the sand that says everything left of making me horrified is not a nightmare.

I have, further on, separated horror from scary -- horror makes you feel as though ou or your loved ones will be hurt. It makes you check that your doors are locked, a little more often -- it has a lasting effect, even if it's only for a day or two, only until the sun rises. Meanwhile, scary, to me, is a less lingering fear. It makes you feel afraid for a moment or two, & then the screamer is gone, or you chuckle at yourself & realize your fear was silly -- it's just a movie, or a video, or you miss-saw something -- a harmless trick of the lights.

Anyhow, with this distinction laid out, the moment I wake up or realize that it was just a dream, I find that most of my dreams aren't horrifying to me, so I don't really classify them as nightmares. They're more interesting, really, like a scary movie I watched last night.

This is, in part, due to a stretch of time in which I had no dreams. Not that I had them & then forgot, upon waking up -- that's different. Even if you can't actually remember one single iota of the dream, you can feel on the peripheral of your mind that a dream did occur, like the difference between eating only chips on an empty stomach, or a full meal. When you actually have no dream, you know it.

It... Made me miserable. I hated sleeping. I would wake up & remember that pitch blackness, thick like tar, my body stuck in place. To me, boredom can be painful. It can make me say or do things I never wanted to, just to take off some of the edge of it -- it can hurt worse than a cut. It runs deeper than all that, past the skin & flesh, past the bone, down into my core. It hurts. I've described the sensation before as "Feeling as though I have cracked upon my skull, & am now rubbing my exposed brain on concrete, over & over & over again," with all my nerves still exposed.

So, you can perhaps imagine that spending untold hours in vast nothingness was not ideal.

I loathed sleeping, in that time. I was forever tired -- sleeping one hour, two on this night, the next, & the one after, then crashing for half a day, every weekend. Part of this... Was because of where I lived, & how it was. Some days of the week, it was preferable, really, to be gone into that nothingness for so long, if I could just force my eyes closed for long enough. This kept up for about a year. A year with no dreams -- can you imagine it? No whispers in the night, alone with not even your own thoughts, no memories to turn to?

That experience, that constant exhaustion, that anxiety in laying your head on the pillow, wondering if this will be another night of dreamless sleep has always stuck with me. Even now, years later, I worry, when I lay down at night, if this time my dreams will disappear, & for good, this time.

So, if you had an option between grating your exposed brain into the dirt & grit for hours on end for an entire year, or watching a spooky movie or two, which would you pick? The spooky movies? Yeah, me too.

I don't get horrified by my dream, that much, because no matter how bad they get, they are always preferable to the alternative. When my choice is between something that will haunt me throughout my days, or a temporary upsetting feeling, I kinda prefer the later, not gonna lie! So, it's not that I don't have nightmares in a more traditional sense, it's more that my definitions & I have changed to the point that it is hard to label any dream as such.

Anyhow. The actual reason I was making this post.

I don't get, like, actual nightmares, but I get what I refer to as either "mundane nightmares" or "stress dreams." It's not a scary monster grabbing me from the dark, or watching my loved ones picked off by a constant persuer, or a thousand disjointed limbs & faces twitching in the dirt, or a mass of water swallowing me & everything behave ever cared for whole, but it's something that does indeed stick with me. It does make me check a metaphorical lock, I suppose.

These dreams are all mundane. It looks like my current or old life, really, like a rerun, almost. A lot of them occur in my old apartment, with my family. A good amount occur at or around school & schoolwork, a solid amount are in my current resident, & a select few blend these elements together, in various combinations. A lot of these, are, like. I forgot to save a game before exiting. I made an appointment incorrectly. Somebody got mad at me. Etc, shit like that.

It's honestly more about various anxieties in my day-to-day, my dreams demanding I continue to keep on my toes. They're, like, kinda boring, but still preferable to pitch black or ACTUALLY horrifying dreams I've had, on the past. Plus, sometimes they're almost funny, in an exasperating way. Like, I just spent my entire sleeping moments sweeping & cleaning, & yet I wake up & I still gotta do it? Fucking hell

Sometimes they're. Kind of upsetting. Like a glimpse into an alternate me that doesn't exist, one who made different choices. A manifestation of my own personal regrets, come to haunt me in my slumbering hours. She has what I do not, & it's got what I've given up, throughout the years.

It's kind of a lot, to realize that I miss something I still hate, to this day. I wake up & almost want to cry. I can't believe I still miss that -- it made me fucking miserable. It made me hate living. It made me a bad person. It made me want to HURT people. It made me shatter, then scrape together, then stand up & shatter again. It made me fall into endless spiral after endless spiral, a despair that demanded blood & pain, if not from me then from someone else. It made me hate the world, hate all the people in it too, made it all turn sour against my tongue until I wanted to wretch it out. I HATE that point in memory, for all its pain.

But. I miss it, still, & I have the dreams to prove it.

#gale chatter #welcome. i try to keep my personal posts like.#3 or less sentences or so #but fuck it. brevity is a big bitch & I'm an even bigger one #auuuu how tag.#self harm ment #violence ideation ment #idfk

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prettybiching · 27 days ago

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Helloooooooo my love. First of all, happy new year! (although it's coming a week late, sorry about that) I hope this year is filled with love and joy for you!!

Secondly, piggybacking off your last reblog, yes desi weddings are so elaborate ahhh!!! I loved the whole experience despite how exhausting and stressful it was as the sister of the bride. there's pre-wedding events, a week long wedding and then the post-wedding events so yeah nearly two months of dedicated wedding festivities lmfao but it was SOOO fun and I'm moving overseas in a few weeks so I definitely had a winter for the books.

NOWWWWWWW, I'm going to be honest, I couldn't help myself and I gave myself some sneak peeks from all the chapters uploaded because every time I get the notification I get SO excited and lemme just say - YOU COOKED AND I HAVE MASSIVE THOUGHTS

You thought you finally found Daemon when you heard Caraxes was in the dragon pit, and so you run there, run, much to the protest of Arryk, who was hot on your heels. He managed to convince you to slow down by telling you that you would eventually get to the dragon pit if you walked, but you would never get there if you pass out.

Oh god, breaking my heart already. Daemon, I can't stand you at times ughhhhhh. What will it take for my poor girl to not have to beg for someone to love her and be considerate to her.

You nod, placing a hand on your chest. You do a walking motion with your fingers towards Caraxes.

This is either going to end horribly or wonderfully and I don't know how to feel about either.

...while he is distracted from trying to figure out what you were doing, you circle behind your knight and sneak past both, making a beeline towards Caraxes.

GIRL NO!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF EVERY OTHER CHAPTER FOR THE SAKE OF MY WELLBEING

Amidst the peril of it all, you are calm as you look up at Daemon's companion. It stems from the truth that it would be far less complicated and less painful to be eaten by a dragon than to tell your husband you are with child and deliver it.

And there goes my heart again...I'm so mad at Daemon and the chapter has only just begun. I can't get over just how scared she is of telling Daemon about the baby because he will probably accuse her of incest (which would be so fucking ironic HAH) even though deep down he knows she never did any of that he's just emotionally constipated AS HELL. Even Caraxes is going to be done with his ass

In truth, you think your heart might be impaired, because it doesn't race at all as the beast seemingly imposes upon you. He cannot seem to stop pacing around you, as if he was restless, anxious even.

Alexa play "I Think He Knows" by Taylor Swift

You feel bad, for it seems... you've upset him, "apologies... I was hoping you'd eat me."

😭😭😭 STOPPPPP PLEASE SPARE ME

"HEY!" Arryk screams, thinking he can distract Caraxes. He can't, and he is losing his mind. Hoes not know what to do but to shout your name in terror. He can't help but draw his sword and immediately the dragon keeper is yelling something, motioning that he stop.

Help, I know this is a deeply serious moment but I can't help but laugh at the fact that Arryk whipped out his sword to defend himself against CARAXES

"Gods be good," you mumble as you gaze upon the creatures scales, "you can smell him, can't you? Daemon?"

OH MY GOD CARAXES CAN SENSE DAEMONS BABY IN HER TUMMY WE'VE GOT MEDIEVAL DNA TEST SOMEBODY GET DAEMON HERE

"It would have been better if you made me a snack," you mumble against him, feeling your tears drip.

caraxes and reader's bestie arc better start NOW

"He shoved her back and she fell!" he explains, "that's why her nose is bloody."

Oh my god Arryk stop tattling on my boy Caraxes like that. He was just trying to show some affection and protectiveness!!! It's not his fault that years of bonding with daemon also turned him a little dense and emotionally constipated like his master

"Perhaps she might get strong enough to grant you a child," he clenches his jaw, "maybe once the gods have granted you a boy or girl, you will understand my grief." Viserys motions with a nod, "you are to return to your lady wife with no quarrel. Take him out of my sight."

The way I 100% believe that the foundation of the brothers' relationship is that daemon will ALWAYS do the exact opposite of viserys tells him so the fact that he told daemon to return to his lady wife, it will lead him to run as far away from her as possible (aka stepstones)

Daemon seals you into an embrace and the warmth of his body quickly seeps onto your much colder one. A shiver runs down your spine. You immediately wrap your arms around him and nuzzle your face into his chest. He mimics you, brushing his cheek against your hair, taking in the faint smell of citrus. He remembers what his brother said and repeats it, "ñuha mijegindita ābrazȳrys." My poor wife.

THIS SCENE MAKES ME WANT TO CRADLE MY HEAD IN MY HANDS AND WEEP BECAUSE WHAT THEY COULDVE BEEN IF DAEMON WASNT SO DENSE AND THICK AND STUPID AND UGHHHHHHH

Daemon sighs, "he must have smelled me on you and got excited."

you're so stupid

The voice of his brother rings in his mind. Do you carry such low regard of him just as he? "Why can't it be me?" he snaps, "you think I will be of no help?"

Daemon "I can never comprehend someone being genuinely concerned for me because I never had a mother, I don't remember my father's love and my brother was an even bigger emotionally constipated idiot who can't show me love so I'm going to mistake your love for you doubting my capabilities" targaryen

You cut him off by reaching for his legs. He is frozen in place as you embrace him from where you knelt on the floor.

This is so tragic I've started crying again...

Cannot leave you? He does not like the way you imply he would be unable to if he wanted. Daemon watches you as you slowly bring yourself up to a stand. He does not help you as you pull yourself up using his legs and waist.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED THIS FUCKER TO RECEIVE THERAPY FROM BRAAVOS OR WHATEVER BECAUSE HIS UNRESOLVED CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AND THE LACK OF PARENTAL LOVE HE RECEIVED IS GOING TO DESTROY THE MC AND I CANNOT STAND FOR IT I WILL DIE

"because I love you."

and im dead. im gone.

"you are mistaken."

"I love you" "It'll pass"

"I do not feel the same," he mutters.

FUCK YOU FUCK THE WHOLE TSRGARYEN DYNASTY YOU FILTHY LYING WHORE OF A DRAGON RIDER GO FUCK MYSARIA IN A WIG AND CALL OUT YOUR WIFES NAME AND TELL HER YOU WANT HER BECAUSE YOURE TOO SCARED TO SAY IT TO YOUR WIFE AND GO TO THE SHITTY STEPSTONES SURROUNDED BY NOTHING BUT UGLY LOOKING PIRATES FOR THREE WHOLE YEARS WITH SHITTY FOOD AND SHITTY WINE KJHGRRYVHBEBN LTLV

You nod, "I know."

Author, did you reach inside my brain and find the worst ways to hurt me? BECAUSE THIS HURTS OKAY

BUT IT ALSO FEELS SO GOOD??? WHYS THE ANGST YOU WRITE SO FUCKING GOOD??? IM IN LITERAL TEARS OVER THESE TWO, THE WAY DAEMON MADE HER BEG FOR HIM TO STAY AND IT WAS STILL NOT ENOUGH THE PARALLELS OF HER SAYING IT NEVER SERVES HER WELL ASKING SOMEONE TO STAY

If you're wondering how I'm doing at the end of this, then imagine this - IM IN TEARS and contemplating my existence. But I cannot atop praising you for how GOOD this chapter was. It hit right the spot. Thank youuuuu for yet another masterpiece <3

Tormented Spirit | 10

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

"Is it such a sin to stand up for yourself?" you mutter as tears blur your vision. The way he reacted was visceral, instinctive even. "You never have to stand up for yourself ever again," says Daemon, reaching a hand to you, "come."

Daemon Targaryen x Hightower!Reader | 6k+ | cw: fem!reader, reader has brown hair, wife!reader, twin!Gwayne, arranged/forced marriage, canon divergence, alternate universe, slow burn, DD:DNE, panic/anxiety attacks, suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, daddy issues/child abuse/family problems, mentions/depictions of mental/physical/psychosomatic illness, ye old misogyny, angst, typos, etc.

A/N: GUYS ITS STILL TOO FUCKING LONG I HAD TO CUT IT AGAIN T_T blah blah canon stuff/high valyrian inaccurate blah. please please leave comments/reblogs because they really help me with the fic. | cross posted on ao3

@arabellasleopardcoat @prettybiching @myllovellybones

Daemon does not come home to you that night. When you awaken, you feel sick to your stomach. The thought of food repulsive though, so you spend the morning looking for your husband, until your body betrays you and feels sick because of not having eaten. You realize that your state is not borne simply from worrying about the prince, but probably also because of this supposed life you carried within you.

You try to deny it though, chalking it up to your mind playing tricks on you. After all, it's laughable that you suddenly experienced these symptoms just after all the fuss of learning you were with child.

You'd never been so happy to see the blood wyrm.

"Daemon?" you call out, searching for him.

Caraxes is busy feasting on meat and Arryk is busy watching him, body tense and senses on high alert.

The dragon keeper comes to you, shaking his head, "se dārilaros iksis daor kesīr dombo." The prince is not here anymore.

You understood nothing, save dārilaros, which you knew meant prince, and figure he's probably telling you he is not here, which you could gather from simple observation.

You turn to Caraxes and point, "zaldrīzes." Dragon.

The man brightens, as he understands, "Caraxes."

You nod, placing a hand on your chest. You do a walking motion with your fingers towards Caraxes.

His eyes widen and he shakes his head and hands.

You clench your jaw and turn to Caraxes, nodding your head in understanding.

The dragon keeper relaxes.

He mistakes you.

"Arryk," you turn to your ward, "can you come here please?"

Arryk's eyes linger on the dragon a moment before turning to you. You settle him in front of the dragon keeper, and while he is distracted from trying to figure out what you were doing, you circle behind your knight and sneak past both, making a beeline towards Caraxes.

The dragon notices you immediately and watches you near. He lifts his head and sniffs the air, and only then do the two men realize what's happening.

"PRINCESS!" Arryk shouts, sprinting towards you before coming to an abrupt stop.

Enraged, Caraxes cranes his long neck, roaring at Arryk, making him topple back on his bum.

The dragon keeper screams a command and raises his hands.

The red creature screeches as snaps his teeth at the two men, causing his keeper to step back and Arryk to crawl back with him.

Caraxes then averts his attention, shaking his head as he circles around you, effectively blocking the two from seeing anything other than his massive, scaly body.

Your face contorts at the bleating sound it makes. He lowers his head slightly inhaling and exhaling deeply. He makes another noise and you swear to yourself, the creature looks like he's fidgeting.

You feel bad, for it seems... you've upset him, "apologies... I was hoping you'd eat me."

Caraxes screams loudly again when he spots two other dragon keepers come to you from the other side. He threatens them with a snap of his teeth.

"Daor!" they scream in unison. No.

Caraxes seethes and screeches, as if saying, 'do not tell me what to do'.

He circles around you again, and this time, he shoves you forward with his wing. You yelp as you are knocked to the ground with a thud. You manage to brace yourself, grazing your hands as you did, but your chest still hurts at the impact.

The keepers scream in horror because of this, fearing that you would soon be eaten.

You whine as you roll on your side. Caraxes growls as he bites your arm. The fear finally sets in as he does this, and his powerful maw pulls you up to sitting position.

The dragon keeper, who ran to retrieve you, shrieks out upon witnessing this.

You gasp when Caraxes roars back, and you squeal when his wing comes over you. The strangest thing occurs to you in that moment, and your heart finally begins to race— not because it sinks in how much danger you were in, but because, suddenly, you knew you were not.

You come to a stand, and with no regard for your safety, you reach out for the dragon's skin, somehow shocked by how warm and hard it is. "Caraxes."

He hears you, though you barely raised your voice. He is sensitive to the sound of his name. Caraxes moves back, pulling away enough to be able to coil his neck and look at you.

The dragon keepers, who were so on edge, altogether fall silent when they see you in the midst of the blood wrym.

Arryk nearly broke into a other sprint upon finally seeing you, but he manages to hold back and lowers his sword, unwilling to sheathe it.

Caraxes produces a sound you think is akin to a mewl, as much as a mewl a ten foot beast could make. You huff and feel your breath hitch. You close your eyes and reach out to him, ready to accept whichever fate awaits you, companionship or death.

You gasp, eyes instantly opening when you feel the wetness on your hands. Caraxes presses his snout to your palms, and you squeak, quickly pulling back at the heat of his huff.

He lifts his head and begins to pace around again. You are certain now that the beast was, in fact, restless.

"Paez ilagon!" you exclaim, raising your hands at him.

Caraxes huffs, debating if he should heed your command.

"Paez ilagon," slow down, you repeat as the dragon fully faces you.

You, and everyone else who witnesses it, are shocked that Caraxes listens. He quits his pacing and slowly comes to a halt, looming over you.

Your lips wobble, humbled by the idea such a fearsome creature would obey the commands of such a pathetic being. You begin to weep, as Caraxes lowers his head, sniffing you. Your hands dart out to him when he gets too close. You slightly topple when he nudges you with his snout. You feel the warmth of his breath seeping through your dress as he brushes against you. You can tell he is trying his best to be gentle, but even then he is too strong that you have to repel him. He makes the faintest of sounds.

"Gods be good," you mumble as you gaze upon the creatures scales, "you can smell him, can't you? Daemon?"

Caraxes remains pressed against you a moment longer.

You sniffle and momentarily fantasize about the child growing within you. You lean into him in defeat, "you silly thing."

His throat emits a low rumble.

"It would have been better if you made me a snack," you mumble against him, feeling your tears drip.

Caraxes slowly lowers his head until he is laid on the floor. You remain leaned on him for a moment, and then you pull away with a sigh. You look upon the dragon, thinking he is so much like his rider, and stroke his cheek one last time before pulling away.

You walk towards the dragon keeper you had blindsided and lower your head in shame, speaking the word you had learned for Daemon, "usōvegon." Apologies.

He stares at you for a moment, taking in your now messy hair and dirtied face, and replies with something you do not understand.

You nod at him without meeting his eyes then hurriedly walk off. Arryk is quick to follow after you, and his skidding makes Caraxes screech at him. He flinches at the sound, looking behind him warily. You do not.

When Arryk finally catches up to you, he takes your arm and calls out your name. He is alarmed by the red smeared down your philtrum and cheek.

"Forgive me," you mutter, unable to meet his gaze. You do not stop walking, "I- I was overcome... I did not think of anything but myself. I did not mean to cause anyone such immense distress."

"What were you trying to do?" Arryk quips, taking in your dirtied face. He did not know if it would be appropriate to wipe it with his cloak.

You shake your head, still unable to look at him.

"Princess," Arryk speaks like a plea, "did you know Caraxes would not hurt you?"

You gulp, quickening you pace.

Arryk huffs in frustration, calling out your name.

He forces you to stop by dashing forward, coming in front of you. You look up at him, eyes teary and mouth parted.

"I beg you," he clenches his fists, before succumbing to his urges. He grabs his cloak and wipes your face, brushing the dirt and blood as neatly as he can, "please tell me you did not knowingly put yourself in danger."

The tears running down your face help him clean you off. You honestly say, "I don't know if I should tell you."

Arryk is heart broken. He clenches his jaw tightly and releases his hold on you. He steps aside and you begin walking again.

You feel awful as you look at him. He is sullen as he walks beside you. You wipe your nose on your sleeve, "apologies, Arryk."

He shakes his head and opens his mouth. His jaw hangs for a moment, but then he closes his mouth, saying nothing.

You turn to your side when you hear your name called.

Alicent, who was making her way to the king's quarters, runs up you, eyes widening at the blood on your face. The red had spread as it mixed with your tears. She quickly pulls out her handkerchief, "your nose is bleeding!"

Your eyes widen, as you did not know this, but you quickly take her wrist and slowly pull away, "it is nothing."

"What happened to her, ser?" Alicent turns to Arryk.

Arryk is eager to tattle, "she was at the dragon pit and-"

"I fell," you cut him off, blocking your sister's gaze upon your ward, "I-"

"You fell in the dragon pit?!" she bristles further. Your feigning backfired. "What did Daemon do?!"

"The prince is nowhere to be seen," Arryk scoffs.

"I was- am looking for him!" you blurt

"Caraxes nearly attacked her," Arryk adds.

"Arryk!" you whip your head to him then back to your sister, "he did not!"

"He shoved her back and she fell!" he explains, "that's why her nose is bloody."

Alicent calls your name as you call Arryk's.

Your sister takes your shoulders, eyes immediately watering, "did you want to get hurt, sister?"

Your jaw slacks, "I- I-"

"Does Daemon posses you to do such things?" your baby sister begins to cry.

You shake your head rapidly, "no! No. I swear to you, this has nothing to do with him."

"Then what?" Alicent asks with a broken voice.

You gasp for air and feel a shiver run down your spine. You cannot tell her the truth, so you explain instead, "my nose already bled yesterday, which is why it's bleeding now."

"What?!"

"I already fainted yesterday and fell quite hard, which is why my nose is bleeding again."

"Mother, please," Alicent whispers.

"Alicent, I swear to you, you need not-"

"How could you let this happen to her twice?" Alicent turns to Arryk.

Arryk lowers his head, "I have failed-"

"I snuck behind him," you blurt, "do not fault him for my impulsiveness."

Alicent's heart is crush as she watches you wipe your face.

"It is not Arryk's fault that my nose is bloody. It is neither Caraxes fault for shoving me. It is mine. My body is weak and I have spent all day looking for my husband, against the behest of my maester."

Alicent clenches her jaw. It is Daemon's fault.

"I will go to the maesters' ward and submit to whatever is prescribed to me," you place a hand on her shoulder. You sniffle, "do not speak to father of this."

"Make sure to go to the maester's then," you sister warns.

Dejected, you look away and walk off.

Alicent takes in a breath before grabbing her skirts, marching over to the king's quarters.

Viserys is in the middle of gluing his diorama of King's Landing when he hears a knock on the door, "come in."

Alicent enters, sighing deeply before pulling a smile.

"Alicent," his blank expression slightly lightens.

She curtsies, "your highness," and walks over to him. She turns her attention to whatever it was the king was building.

Viserys shows raises a block, "a new tower."

Alicent smiles softly, "pretty."

The king raises a brow upon noticing the stiffness to her demeanor, "is everything alright?"

Alicent betrays herself on purpose by nodding her head too quickly.

Viserys puts the tower down. He reaches for her arm, "what's wrong, my girl."

She takes a sharp breath, "my sister—"

He furrows his brows.

"—she... she has a bloody nose from falling."

"She fell?"

"Twice," Alicent fidgets with her hands, honest agitation for her sister taking over her, "because she's been looking for Daemon."

His reaction to the name is instant. Viserys' jaw clenches and his fists ball in anger, "Daemon."

Daemon struts down the great hall, making his way towards the Iron Throne. The night was now deep and the few candles lit in the room only increased the tension between the brothers.

The prince looks up at the king. The king and two kingsguard stationed on either side of the throne look down at him. Viserys clenches his sword, "and where have you been?"

Daemon scoffs, aimlessly looking around, "have you summoned me to nag?" He clasps his hand in front of him, leaning on one foot, "I already have a wife for that."

His brother laughs, hard. It echoes across the hall, but it is by no means genuine, "I would not have ever known with all the time you waste in brothels."

Daemon grinds his teeth, face contorting, "so you've summoned me to reb-"

"Did you say it?" Viserys snaps.

"... what?"

"An heir for a day— did you say it?!"

"..."

The king's nostrils flare.

"... we must all mourn in our own way, your grace."

Viserys sighs, lowering his head in defeat for a second, then erupts, "MY FAMILY HAS BEEN DESTROYED!" He seethes, "and instead of staying at mine, or Rhaenyra's side you celebrate your own rise with your whores and your lickspittles!

"And wife," he scoffs, "your poor wife... do you even know that your mount has injured her?"

Daemon stiffens.

"She came to the pit looking for you and the beast caused her a bloody nose."

"What?"

"You chose her Daemon. And in choosing her you prove time and time again, I bend to your desires only to be repaid with disrespect. You have no other allies in court but me, yet-"

"You do nothing but distance me from court! From the City Watch, even with- with her... you do nothing but heed the whispers of that leaching old man."

"Leaching old man?" Viserys raises his brows.

Daemon nearly vibrates in anger.

"You mean Otto Hightower?" the king's lips curl, "the man who begged me—"

He laughs dryly.

"—over and back to spare her sickly daughter from enduring a lifetime with a the likes of you!"

Daemon is wounded, "I am your brother."

"Then why do you cut me so deep?"

"I see that man for what he is."

Viserys huffs, "a loyal and faithful-"

"A cunt!"

The king leans back. His kingsguard are ready to draw their steel. Viserys realizes there is no getting through to him. He looks away then turns back to glare at him, "jiōragon hen ñuha laehurlion." Get out of my face.

"Lēkia," Daemon steps forward, muttering the word that meant older brother.

The kingsguards step forward, showing a glimmer of their swords as a warning.

"I hear it is the first time your Hightower bride has been separated from her twin. It would do her health good to visit Oldtown."

He clenches his fists tightly.

Daemon does not wait to be apprehended and storms out of the room. He is bristling as he gets out.

"Mazeman bona ziry gōntan daor jikagon sȳrī." I take that it did not go well.

Daemon turns and sees Corlys standing by the door, hands clasped in front of him.

"I wanted to speak to you of something important earlier today. I hope your mood is not too bad foul-"

"Ȳdragon se sagon gaomagon lēda bisa jenigon," Daemon snaps. Speak and be done with this bother.

Corlys straightens his back and motions with hand, "it is regarding the Stepstones, your grace."

Daemon furrows his brows, vaguely recalling this topic being broached during one of the council meetings. The two of them discuss this as they walk down the hall. By the time the prince reaches your shared quarters, he's agreed to help the Seasnake with his concern.

You leap from your bed when the door opens. Daemon freezes as you scurry to the door, hastily running to him without even putting on your slippers. You stand before him barefoot, heaving as you clutch your nightgown. He stares at you, hands clenching into fists.

"Usōvegon," your lips tremble.

Daemon's face falls a fraction as he watches your eyes water.

"Usōvegon," apologies, you repeat. "Please..." you slowly reach for him.

He watches your palms press against his chest. He makes no attempt to move.

"Do not be cross with me any longer."

A deep breath flares through his nostrils. He realizes then that he is exhausted and shuts his eyes. He leans his forehead on yours and takes your wrists. He huffs at your feel, "you are freezing."

"I-"

You don't know what he says, so you make sure to tell him what wants to hear— what you think he wants to hear, "I will not defy you ever again."

He does not care about that. He pulls back and looks at you. He wipes the tears off your face and a line forms between his brows, "Caraxes attacked you?"

One of your hands instinctively comes to your philtrum, "no. I-" you shake your head, "I fell."

You don't know why you think Daemon would be satisfied with your answer. He presses, "tell me exactly what happened."

You huff, "I was... yesterday, I fainted—"

"Fainted?"

"—then I fell."

He shakes his head, "this happened in the dragon pit?"

"... no. When... when I was chasing after you."

Daemon brushes your hair back.

You cannot hold his gaze, "I went to the pit, hoping you'd be there and-" you realize you cannot tell him what happened. You cannot tell him you walked to his mount and his mount did not attack you because he could smell part of him in you. You huff, "-and Caraxes got close and knocked me over."

"Did he try to bite you?"

You debate for a second before shaking your head.

Daemon sighs, "he must have smelled me on you and got excited."

Your throat tightens. Goosebumps form on your arm when Daemon traces your nose with his thumb.

"And your nose bled?"

You do not want to answer.

He sighs, "I will reintroduce you to him, so that he does not act so-"

"It's not his fault!" you blurt, "not really."

He knits his brows.

"When I fainted and fell, my nose already bled, so..." you motion with a finger, "Caraxes simply... set off a previous injury."

He says absolutely nothing.

"My body is weak," you mumble, hoping to explain it better, "I've had worse injuries."

"Do you tell me this so that I will not bring you to Caraxes?"

"No," you shake your head, "no. Just... so you do not..." worry, you almost say, but then the idea feels presumptuous.

"Not fault my beast for acting like one?" Daemon asks, as he heads for his cabinet.

You look at him for a moment then follow. You decide to hum and proceed to help him get undressed.

Your husband examines your face. The moonlight mixed with candlelight makes your skin glow. He is loathe to think your tears add to it, but it's unfortunately true. Your being glistens because of all these things. He interrupts your unbuttoning by taking your cheeks and slowly wiping off the tears on your lashes.

You blink at him, "better?"

"Gevie," he says, brushing your throat with his thumbs.

You nod, though you still did not know what that meant. You push his doublet past his shoulders and once his dress shirt remained, he is quick to remove his shoes as you bring his clothes to the hamper. When you walk back to him, he is picking out clothes from his closet. You are deeply confused when he hands you a stack of shirts.

Daemon moves to his other cabinet and says, "pack those in my trunk for me."

You freeze and blink rapidly, "I-" you turn to his truck, which was atop his closet. Your heart races, "I cannot reach it."

Daemon pulls out more clothing before looking at you. You watch him closely as he stands and reaches for the trunk. He places it on the floor and opens it.

You slowly kneel on the floor beside it, doing your best to keep calm in this moment. Are you leaving? You nearly ask him, but you don't because he clearly is. You begin to fold his clothes, but you cannot hold your peace, "where are you going?"

Daemon stuffs his clothes into his trunk and sighs before crouching down to fix them, "the Stepstones."

"W-what?"

"The Seasnake needs help with the Crabfeeder, so I will help him."

"Why?" you blurt all too quickly.

Daemon straightens up. He looks down at you as you shake your head and quickly finish folding his clothes.

"Why must it be you?"

The voice of his brother rings in his mind. Do you carry such low regard of him just as he? "Why can't it be me?" he snaps, "you think I will be of no help?"

He is taken aback by how you chuck his clothes into his trunk rather aggressively. His face begins to harden with anger but then you make a noise and lean into the trunk, heaving deeply in and out.

"Wha-"

You cut him off by reaching for his legs. He is frozen in place as you embrace him from where you knelt on the floor.

Whatever choler was building in him quickly dissipates and morphs into... fear, or rather, worry. He calls out your name, reaching for your head.

"You cannot leave me," you shudder, gripping his calves for dear life. You look up at him, face wholly distraught but not teary. You find yourself too tired to shed a tear.

Your hands remain gripping the sides of his shirt as you stare at him. You take in his stoic expression as you gather the nerve to repeat, "you cannot leave m-"

"And why can't I?" he quips as his insecurity gets ahead of himself.

You hear it in his voice. You hear how he thinks you're challenging him. You shake your head and correct yourself, "n-no," you shudder, "no, Daemon, no. I- I want you to stay." You brush your palms up his chest.

He can feel the tremble of your hands as they come to his cheeks. He knit his brows at your confession. He has to ask, "why?"

You could tell him many reasons. The one possibly most relevant to him is that of the fact you were carrying his unborn child. A shiver runs down your spine; you are not foolish enough to believe this would be something that would make him want to stay. You could always tell him you needed him, your health needed him, because it was true. As much as he clawed your fragile heart, he made it soar in ways you've never experienced. But there was a rather simpler truth to that need, though attached to a very complicated feeling, "because I love you."

Daemon's expression falls. Though his lips barely part, you can tell that he is gobsmacked. You release a shaky breath as you swipe his chin and jaw with the pads of your thumbs.

Should he be so shocked? Love in a marriage is not so uncommon, even if it is arranged, even if it felt opposite in the beginning.

So, what?

What was your love to him? It would wax and wane like his brother's— and his brother, his fucking brother. He could not grant him the satisfaction. Daemon takes you by the wrists and slowly pries you off, "you are mistaken."

You take a deep breath at his words. You are perfectly still.

"I do not feel the same," he mutters.

Daemon was not one to lie, convinced such an act was beneath him, reserved for incapable, lesser men; half-wits, and yellow-bellies. The only reason he could say this was because the cup in which you held your love for him was far deeper than the one he had for you, and he was aware of it. He loved himself far more than he could ever bring himself to love anyone; he would always be first.

Still, he was not an incapable, lesser man, nor was he a half-witted yellow-belly. He knew of the cup he held, which oft overflowed. The mere thought of you triggered a smell in the air, and at the mention of your name, his bones ignited. You were his, and you held his regard, his affection, his lust, and, yes, his love.

All of this, he was about to explain, but then your reaction blind-sided him.

You nod, "I know."

How terrible it was to hear it. He knew his words where callous. He knew wuch an admission is a gash from a jagged blade— to not be loved by who you loved. Yet your casual resignation to this information stung, nay, scorched his heart.

Is it cold? Is his love so dry you cannot even feel it?

His grip on you falters.

You bring your hands to his shoulders. You rub his bicep and smile softly in reassurance, "I do not mind."

"What?"

Your smile widens a fraction, "I know you enjoy the... delicateness of my body, both intimately and-" you motion to yourself, "-regarding my affliction."

He knits his brows.

"It is wholly contrary to yours, and it is mirthful to you," you nod again, "I understand."

"Do you?" he raises his furrowed brows.

You slowly loosen your hold on him. You pull away to fidget with your fingers, "do I not?"

"No," he scoffs under his breath, chest tightening far too much he has to move past you, "I don't think you do."

You are quick to grab him but it slips, "then make me understand."

Daemon stops in his tracks, turning back to you as his breathing picks up.

Your own does the same, but your gasps get shorter and shorter, so much so, you feel yourself get lightheaded. Your husband has to grab you to keep you upright, but you want to show him you have the will to overcome this, that you aren't dead weight, so push him away and mutter, "I- I can do it, Daemon."

He misinterprets you. You scorch him again. He squeezes your arms, "you don't want my help now?"

"No," you say as try to catch your breath, "I- I just-" you cannot continue.

Daemon has to sit you down to help calm you down. He tried to keep you upright, but then he realizes you were consciously trying to lean into his chest, so he lets you. You press your cheek against his warm muscles and sigh at the beat of his heart. You wrap your arms around him, "I want this."

He stares at your brown hair for a moment.

"I want all of this," you sigh, "which is why I want to be what you want me to be."

He finally lets himself embrace you, but just then, you pull away to look at him.

"I can do it," you nod as you take a final deep breath, "I can be a dutiful wife— I will be a dutiful wife. I will not defy you. I will do as you please. I will not expect more than I ought."

"You cannot do everything for me," Daemon says with slight contempt, a line between his brows.

"I-" you shake your head, "... I know," you shake your head faster, taking his hands, "but can I make you stay?"

He looks at how you hold him. He feels sick.

"What can I do to ma-"

"You do not understand," he pulls his hand away, "my brother wants me to leave. He is sick of me and prays for my riddance."

You watch as Daemon stands and paces around.

"He told me to bring you to your twin in Oldtown, and I would sooner eat Caraxes' shit than be tossed aside to the fucking Reach."

You shake your head, "why does he want you to leave?"

"He is weepy over the drunken words I spoke."

"Well, what did you-"

"Does it matter?!" he snaps, raising his hands, "I must leave!"

He is clearly upset. You nod your head and come to a stand, "then I will speak to the k-"

"No!" he shouts, "I will not have my wife act on my behalf, as though I rolled my belly."

"You are not rolling your belly, I am."

"You think there is a fucking difference?!" he quips, marching in front of you, "no! I am to leave in the dawn, so pack my fucking things, woman!"

You grit your teeth in an attempt to steel yourself away. It does not prevent the tears from running down your cheeks.

Daemon's nostrils flare as you go back to his trunk and sort out his clothes. He hears your soft whimpers and slowly begins to deflate. He wipes his face, slowly turning to you. He watches tears drop onto his garbs, "have you nothing to say?"

You sniffle and shake your head rapidly.

"No?!" his expression pinches.

You stand and grab the rest of this clothes. You sniffle with difficulty then sigh deeply. Your voice is shaky, "I want only to please you."

Daemon chuckles dryly, aimlessly looking around, "you think this pleases me?"

"Then tell me what will!" you whip your head around, clutching his clothes tightly in your arms, "I implore you." You step forward and haphazardly drop everything to his trunk, "I cannot please you if you refuse to tell me what you want."

"I want to go to the fucking Stepstones!" he points to nowhere.

You are shattered. How terrible of him to make it so painfully clear that what he wants does not even involve you. He does not want you, or even if he did, you cannot be enough. You lower your gaze.

"I want you to beg me to stay."

You look up at him. You chuckle dryly under your breath when you realize he's being serious. Your sorrow is not enough, it seems, now he wants even your shame.

Daemon tenses when you get on your knees.

You grip the fabric of his trousers as tightly as possible in an attempt to steel yourself, but it does not prevent your tears from falling. You shudder, "please."

"..."

"Stay. I beg you."

Your prince gazes upon your bitterness. He brushes your cheek and feels the coldness of your tears. He sighs because this does not affect him the way he had hoped.

It is not enough.

Dawn breaks, and Caraxes is restless. Daemon's things were being secured on his dragon, but that is not why so many dragon keepers had to keep him in check.

There, by the entrance, you stood with your hands clasped together and your head hung low. Both your wards behind you, eyeing your prince, who was doing his best to calm his ride as the last of his things were readied. Daemon did not know Caraxes was acting this way because of your distress, but the keepers slowly began to realize this was the case.

One of the keepers call out, "ñuha dārilaros, aōha ābrazȳrys." My prince, your wife.

"Rȳbagon, Caraxes!" Daemon snaps at his dragon to listen. Caraxes shakes his head and the prince spares the dragon keeper a glance, "skoros hen zirȳla?" What of her?

"Aōha zaldrīzes kostagon yknagon zirȳla boter." Your dragon can smell her suffering.

The prince turns to you, back to Caraxes, "iksis ziry zirȳla, Caraxes?" Is it her, Caraxes.

You lift your gaze when you hear Daemon call for you. He beckons you over and before you can move, Arryk grabs your arm and whispers, "I do not think this wise."

You slightly turn to him, "he will not harm me. You saw how Caraxes acted yesterday."

"It is not the dragon I worry about."

You look at the man, seeing how his jaw is clenched. You place a hand on his shoulder plate before walking towards your husband.

Rather immediately, there is a shift in Caraxes's demeanor. He huffs and screeches, neck coiling so his head could come near you. Daemon barks out multiple commands and his mount finally obeys.

The prince knits his brows then turns to you, reaching out a hand. You take it and find yourself pulled into your husband's arms. Your skin pricks with goosebumps when he whispers in your ear, "he wants you."

You sigh and close your eyes, resigning yourself to Daemon. He links his fingers into yours and places it atop his dragon's snout.

Caraxes sighs and slightly leans in.

Daemon is astounded by this, "I did not know he could possibly care for someone more than his rider."

You slowly open your eyes and look at the creatures ruby scales. "He does not," you mutter, rubbing one hand on your belly.

He does not hear this. When he turns you around, he catches you rubbing your stomach. He sighs and takes your hand, "do not weep so bitterly."

You cannot do anything but the opposite. Tears stream down your cheeks, "do not be so cruel then."

Daemon watches how your lips wobble. A line forms between his brows, "do not make this harder than it should."

You pull away from him and lower your gaze, "then just leave me now, and spare me the slow torture."

He tenses at your words. His expression hardens, "I did not ask you to see me off."

"Shall I leave then?" you snap, eyes red as you look back at him.

"Yes!"

You grab your skirt and walk towards the twins.

Daemon is stunned. He turns around and watches as you storm off. He calls your name, once, twice, and then he is sobered by the scream of Caraxes. You do not even stop by the entrance anymore, and walk past your kingsguards, who are quick to follow after you.

Here you were doing his bidding, following his wishes, yet there was no satisfaction. All there was... was less of you, less of your strength, your light, your fire.

Daemon turns to Caraxes, who was restless again. He pushes past the dragon keepers and saddles up. He orders Caraxes to start walking, so he does. The blood wrym begins to crawl towards you and the prince has to reel him back, barking out orders of obedience far too loudly.

Caraxes gives a loud screech before following the order. He huffs so deeply that the wind it produces makes you topple.

Your knights are quick to keep you upright, and though you so badly want to turn around, you remind yourself that your husband has done nothing but all he wants since you've wed. If he wanted you to stay, he would have told you.

You wouldn't know then that Daemon made Caraxes stop in his tracks. You wouldn't know that as he watched you walk off, he was mumbling under his breath that you turn around. You just kept walking yet he still waited for you to turn back, even after your figure had disappeared.

He would also never know that you headed down to the docks near the Keep, just to watch Caraxes fly away one last time. He would never know how your skin pricked with gooseflesh at the sight of the red winged beast soaring above. He would never know how hard it became for you to breathe.

"Gods, please," you mumble as your eyes endlessly watered, "swiftly return him to me."

Arryk and Erryk, stood on either side of you, glared at the sky as they heard your broken voice. They were on high alert as the docks were busy at this hour, and yet, it was necessary to convey their contempt, even if the person it was meant for could not see.

"Give me back my husband," you look at your reflection in the water, "or take me to my mother."

Before your words even register to either of the twins, you've already jumped into the water. Erryk nearly jumps in with you before realizing his armor would surely make him sink. "PRINCESS!" he screams as he undoes his armor.

"THE PRINCESS!" Arryk screams to the fisherman, "SHE'S FALLEN INTO THE WATER!"

The commotion is great. It is loud and frantic, yet as your body plunges and slowly begins to float, you care little. You feel someone fish you out of the water by the arm, and you want nothing more than to break free and swim towards your demise. But then, you hear your wards calling out your name, and you realize you cannot.

You say nothing once you are on land.

Both Cargylls has a hand on your arm, and each of them are worriedly questioning you, "are you alrigh- what happe- what were you thinki- are you faint- my princess-"

"I need to see him," you say.

Arryk and Erryk freeze. The look at each other, not knowing what to say. Arryk offers, "my princess. I fear you cannot see Dae-"

"Not him," you look between them as you gather your skirts. It is arduous, as it is soaking wet.

Otto was on his way back from the scrolls room when hears the shout from across the hall. He tenses like a rock at the recognition of his daughter's voice.

You hadn't realized how tired you were until you saw him. Your knees immediately buckle and you fall to the floor as you call out, "papa!"

The Lord Hand dashes to you, dropping the scrolls he had along the way. He gets on his knees and picks you up. He is aghast by your dripping state, and his anger is soon turned on your incompetent guards, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY GIRL?"

"Papa," you mutter once you are in his arms.

Otto cradles you, looking down at your sorry form. A deep line is between his brows.

"He left me," you whisper, tears wetting your already wet cheeks.

Daemon. Lord Hightower clenches his jaw. It's always fucking him. "Come, my girl," he mutters, trying to bring you to your feet, "let's get you-"

Your voice is soft, yet it still cuts him off, "you must not leave me."

Otto is frozen. Arryk and Erryk are frozen too.

"If you leave me too, I do not think I will survive."

#daemon targaryen x reader #MY FAVVVV

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em-marti-capstone · 4 months ago

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Week 5 - October 11

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," — quote of the week

"Nothing you love can ever be forgotten. You can always go back.

How?

Memories. They live forever, right there in your heart. Sometimes you just need to find a way to invite them out," — from the movie If because I'm watching it currently as I write this and my brain immediately was like 'write that down!!!!!'

This week, I surfaced a couple of ideas for a potential creative project.

Idea 1:

Possibly an animation or 3D model short short film? Probably nothing more than 2-3 minutes? There are two concerns though: 1) I am not experienced in animation, so it would definitely be a huge learning process. And I'm also not a pro at 3D modeling at all. I'm enjoying it, but still need to learn more, so yeah. 2) The content of the film itself is a work in progress. I was thinking one version would be from the point of view of a 5-10 year old, then transitioning to how their world develops and looks as they grow up to around 20 years old or so? Not totally sure but the idea was that perhaps the art style begins as 2D animation and then becomes 3D to reflect that change. The other concept which I like a little more is where it's possibly me (or it could be a random character I create) going to bed after a long day of school or work or just a long day, stressed and exhausted, and falls asleep, dreaming about specific old memories that overall helps the character remember that things will turn out alright. I know it sounds cliche so I really would would need to figure out the specifics of what the memories are and how they correlate to the present-day stress the character is dealing with, and I really want to see if I can combine 2D and 3D animation. Overall, I just want this video to make other people feel for those memories and relate to them in some way, and that the uncertain future will eventually get figured out. CLICHEEEEE BUT it will get sorted out.

Idea 2:

The second idea is similar to the first but in the form of a children's book; the style of one but for my age group or just anyone who's feeling uncertain about their future and needs the reminder that it's okay to look to the past to offer us some stability in the present. After doing some watercolor practice in my Illustration class and seeing a few examples of watercolor in children's books, I'd possibly try to do the same? We had to draw and paint a room, any room of our choosing, so I did my old bedroom, which will look similar to the 3D model I did last week.

Some artistic precedents for these 2 ideas:

Shelby DeGarmo; she creates pop-surreal impressionism art that explores "the delicate nature of life and relationships." Two notable quotes from the reading:

“Definitely, many of the subjects and environments I include are heavy in sentimentality. I grew up largely surrounded by my grandmother and her garden. Her house was really a place I felt a deep sense of “home” in, and I loved her dearly.” After her grandmother passed away, “I felt very lost for a while but started to shift my focus into ways where I could process grief and find a sense of “peace” if we want to call it that.”

“I think nature and animals are approachable for most folks, it’s the place where we all come from and will return to. It’s gentle, scary, delicate and vibrant. I think focusing on nature, and less human or personally attributed subjects allows for more people to find their own place, or meaning in a work. Everything in nature is trying its best to survive, grow, and often love. It’s inevitable that it can’t last forever, but long after I’m gone, there will still be children picking flowers, and fawns chasing their mothers through the woods.”

Another artist, Trevor Clare, compiled a collection of his art into a book called The Art of Nostalgia, all paintings and "hidden gems" of the Kitchener-Waterloo area, which was accompanies by stories from the residents that live in that area to evoke nostalgic feelings and memories.

Idea 3:

I also tried to think of a metaphor for nostalgia, which led me to the statement that "Nostalgia is a bed." Not sure if this is too on-the-nose as well, but a bed offers security and comfort. It's a space where people can relax or cry or express many emotions, overall recollect their thoughts and reflect. Our beds can possibly change over the years, whether its the mattress or frame or blankets, but it is almost always a space for us to not only sleep of course, but to reflect. This idea also felt prominent when I asked others to draw their childhood bedrooms or other areas of significance to them (experiment shown before). I was just drawn to how people drew their beds and what other details felt important to add in their sketches. So for idea 3, I don't know if I want to make a bed of some sort, or make a comforter or quilt. I'm unsure what materials it will be made of exactly, maybe comforters that a person would have used as they grew up, or some other material. I also thought of a mixed media piece, maybe a painting with other physical elements from one's childhood, like a quilt or other objects. Or some short film but I don't know what story that would be.

Some artistic precedents for this bed idea:

The first thing that came to mind when I thought of bed and art was Robert Rauschenberg's Bed, 1955. However, this precedent was more so because I like how he created his combine paintings, not necessarily because this was a bed.

This other precedent could actually go for all of these ideas, a short film created by Mollywood Films: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJeVQXI2Q68 This is a film about homesickness and nostalgia, consisting of found footage of the past and current videos of acceptance.

There's a few other artists that I want to look into that were suggested by Nancy, and one of them that she suggested that I did end up looking at was Kelly McGowan's capstone project (https://www.kelly-mcgowan.com/installation), in which she literally built a bedroom and created almost everything inside out of fabric. I need to reach out to her and chat with her!

Some other articles I read through that also inspired these ideas and experiment:

For the experiment, I'm still waiting on a few people to send their drawings of their childhood bedrooms and will turn them into a gif to be able to show for the midterm presentation. Here are some of the ones I have so far though!

You can see how my sister put in more detail in the toys we had in our room, our old rabbit, and computer desk which I completely forgot about. But it was really interesting seeing how differently we thought about our rooms and what details she colored in and felt she needed to add. As well, you can see how my dad and uncle drew their rooms and the different details they chose to focus on (my uncle with the posters [they aren't accurate to what they had when they grew up but he told me they did just have a bunch of posters around], and how my dad chose to detail things like their fireplace and flooring). I'll try to label these images soon but I will for the gif that I will make for the midterm presentation!

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timeoverload · 11 months ago

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I'm sorry I didn't post much last night. I didn't get upset or freak out about anything because I am sort of used to the way things are now. I was also absolutely exhausted. I was still up late anyway and I didn't get a nap so I was a little grumpy today but I tried my best to act normal. I'm glad my arm doesn't hurt too much. I am very happy with the way it looks so far. I can't show it to anyone yet because I told the director that I had a doctor's appointment yesterday so they wouldn't deny my request to switch my day off.

It was nice to see you yesterday. I am confused about what is going on. I'm sorry I wasn't very talkative. I didn't really know what to say. I don't know if I'm allowed to say anything.

I am frustrated because I don't know how I am going to afford to keep coming to see you. I don't know how I'm supposed to have money to give you every 2 weeks but I don't like saying no to you. I'm not rich but I don't want to give you less than you deserve. I have so many bills to pay though. I have to fix my car. I need to buy a new phone still and that's going to be over $1000. Soupy and Salazaar need to get in for dental work this month. I need to buy food and other stuff. I guess I will have to do my taxes soon so maybe that will help. I need to stop thinking about that for now because it's stressing me out.

I was expecting it to be a bad day since last Thursday sucked but it ended up being ok. I had a lot of cases but I think I did a good job at keeping up. The doctors weren't rushing so much today thankfully. I finally got the huge stack of instruments on my station redone.

My boss came up to me this morning and told me that I need to train the lady that works the night shift how to do my job so I can leave on time. I think they are tired of paying me for overtime. I'm sure she's not going to be happy about having to learn that. She is usually in a bad mood when she comes in. I try to be nice and talk to her but I get the feeling she thinks I'm annoying. I'm probably overthinking stuff again.

It is a little disappointing that 2 of the new people decided to no call, no show the past week. That happens all the time because a lot of people can't handle it. I remember when I started I was very overwhelmed because there is a lot to learn and you see a lot of gross things. It can be intense sometimes. There are a lot of rules and policies to follow. I would say that I am pretty desensitized to all of that now. It's definitely not for everyone.

They are making me leave at least 2 hours early tomorrow so I can't complain about that. I might get to leave earlier than that because I only have 10 cases in the morning and it's pretty slow otherwise. I'm looking forward to that.

My right eye has been bothering me so much the past couple days and nothing has helped. It feels like it's burning in the center. I have been using eye drops a lot. I can't wear any make up because it is making it worse. I took a muscle relaxer and ibuprofen at lunch and it didn't help. I realized that I might be having this problem because my new glasses are the wrong prescription. I'm not surprised that happened after my experience there. My vision seemed like it was slightly out of focus all day. They didn't bother me that much last week but I had to take them off when I got home. I'm not going to take them back because I don't want to go there again. I also like the frames a lot so I will try to get new lenses put in them sometime. I don't really like wearing those ones at work anyway because they make my ears go numb when I wear my hat. I put my other glasses on when I got home so maybe that will make a difference. They seem to be more comfortable so far.

I need to get ready for bed. I already ate dinner. Salazaar is laying on me and it's making me tired. I'm glad he is keeping my toes warm though. I don't want to wake up early. I hope I can take a nap tomorrow afternoon because that would be amazing. I don't want to stare at the screen anymore and I don't have much else to talk about right now. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! :) 💖💖💖

#personal

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ohleander · 1 year ago

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8.29.23

I've not wanted to write for a little while. I've been really occupied with doing outside things and honestly, I'm feeling very exhausted. It was all good memories and very rewarding but I feel a drastic need to retreat. Go slowly. My mantra on my September calendar is to go slow. I called it Slow September.

I've been under the influence of a baaad mood for about a week now. It PMS as usual but it feels so intense. Feels like I've wasted a lot of time being unnecessarily angry at the people I love. I really notice how it feels like I do that a lot. It feels like I rest in this constant state of trigger and rejection with dad lately. I don't want to feel this way. I'd love to figure out how to get out of my head and have better quality time with him. I feel like I dissociate, gloss over, and rush the time we spend together. I definitely spent a lot of my past weekend in my feels, angry like a teenager. I want to hold myself and tell her she's still lovable, even when she's angry over things. Sometimes I fear that putting my exact feelings into writing makes them too real, but I will keep trying. I need to learn to be even more honest with myself, not hold back and not judge myself too harshly. I am always trying my best to do good, even when neglect and laziness settle in. Even when I could be doing better. Its hard to understand, its hard to unravel and I'm already sinking into some depression over it again. Hopefully I can keep making an effort to change these cycles in me that aren't helping me anymore.

Again, I'd like to shift my focus to something much slower. Something softer. I haven't been enjoying who I am as a person lately. It feels very contrived. It feels very fake. A lot of the time I need to go a lot more slowly than I think I do. My impulse is to rush, and I rush by my loved ones.

I feel so stressed right now, feeling as though I wasted a good long weekend, feeling so angry with dad for old reasons. It wasn't something I felt like I could control. I was just in my feels. I feel like we don't get to talk as good as we used to. I feel like I always dissociate, trigger into some negative feelings, or rush our time together. This weekend, I've been deep in the trenches of a hormone dip, which is never really good for me. In all my efforts of trying to understand myself, I feel like I've forgotten how to consistently care about other people. The more I go forward the less I feel I understand. I also feel like I spend so much time with dad, just absolutely zooted out of my mind and I cant appreciate or react in the ways that I want to. He's such a kind and special little old man, And I always want to do better by him. But he sees the best in me and he also sees the worst in me. Grateful that we always hold each other in the best and the worst times. I'm sure that's what love is.

This weekend, I was in my feelings about not feeling like I mattered, not feeling listened to, not feeling regarded. Feeling like dad only talks to me like I'm a sounding board, or someone to explain things too. I would like to get out of my head and take these things less personally. I get triggered into feeling like I did when I was a kid. Dad's a different person now than he used to be. I make a lot of unfair assumptions when it comes to him. I want to do better.

In trying to gain myself, I feel like I've lost a good chunk of what matters TO myself.. its hard to explain but its also easy to realize that I've been trying too hard again. I fall into that cycle. Its an all or nothing kind of mode where I DO IT ALL or i do absolutely nothing. As always, trying to find better balance in my life.

Tomorrow is the full blue moon in Pisces and I really hope for a good cleansing feeling. Its a full moon so its hard to sleep, but I hope to have cleansing dreams. Its Virgo season and I feel like that always makes me crazy. I'm an overhead kind of person and I enjoy details but Virgo season can be a lot for me and my impulsive nature.

Thoughts are all over the place but I find comfort in writing again. It was such a cram-full month I feel as though I spent the whole time on auto pilot. How do I get off that awful train? How do I manage to become more connective? When I'm in public I'm always so preoccupied with how I look to people, do I seem right? Do I look like people are supposed to look? I want to calm down. I want to rest my dials on a solid 4 or something low like that. I need to be okay with being more low-key.

Its never too late to start acting how I want to be. Its all practice. I realize where I don't want to be and I change from there. Quality over quantity. Quality over quantity.

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umichenginabroad · 2 years ago

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Week -1: Diky, Naschledanou

One week later… My post-study abroad adjustment has been slightly different than most. Since my mom came to visit, we decided to travel to Italy for an extra week before the start of my internship. Therefore, the fact that I am leaving Europe has not actually settled in yet. It has been weird leaving the routine of seeing the same people and walking the same paths every day but traveling has become a routine of its own.

We stored our luggage in the Prague airport and spent the week along the coast of southern Italy in Naples, Sorrento, and Rome. At heart, I am an ocean and beach person. My favorite source of protein is seafood and in my past time, I love swimming in the open waters. Therefore, finally not being landlocked felt amazing. I got to eat way too many bowls of seafood spaghetti.

The highlight of my trip was hiking the Path of Gods along the Amalfi coast. It was a great change of pace from all the other European cities I have been visiting. Instead of walking around for hours looking at historical monuments that all started to blend together, I got to take in the beautiful views of the mountains and water in Italy.

Toward the end of this trip, however, I was ready to go back to America. I was getting burnt out from traveling and knowing that I only have a day at home before going to California for my internship was becoming a stress factor for me. If I got to replan this last leg of my study abroad experience, I would have chosen to leave when the program ended and spent an extra week at home to recover. Studying abroad has been the best time of my life but it also has been more taxing than anticipated. There have been a lot of sleepless nights traveling and making the most of Prague but it did pile up. Starting my internship already exhausted is less than ideal but I am hoping that my day at home will be a good refresher.

I hope you all have enjoyed reading my blogs this semester as I have enjoyed writing them. I initially took on this role with the intention of wanting to help out future U-M CoE students to decide on which study abroad program to choose or if they should even consider studying abroad (which is a definite YES from me). However, this blog has become a baby to me. I began to enjoy the process of looking back at what I have accomplished this week and even weeks before because I often forget. Luckily, these blogs will be here forever so I hope this can become a keepsake for myself and a resource for someone else out there.

My last bit of Czech lesson: “Diky, Naschledanou” (which translates to thank you, good bye <3)

Janice Liu

Computer Science

Tech Career Accelerator in Prague

#UmichEnginAbroad #IPEcsPrague #JaniceLiu #IPEWinter23 #UnitedStates

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jedijourneys · 2 years ago

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Kallia’s Journal; Entry Twelve

It has been some time since my last entry. I find that between classes, training, practice, and research, I rarely have much free time to myself anymore to commit to this journal. That's expected, though. As each day goes by, I become more experienced, more knowledgeable, and as a result, much more is expected of me.

I know almost all of Shii-Cho by heart at this point, though I can hardly claim to be a master of it. The guards, the stances, the parries, each day I hit at the practice dummies, and I've made a point to practice my force push on them as well, just to assist a bit with my aim. I've also been utilizing the training droid given to me by my master, pushing, pulling, and jerking it side to side with the force. I think I have it down well enough to use it in combat a bit easier than I had during my first battle on Tatooine.

Additionally, I've been looking into other lightsaber forms, as instructed by Kethry. I took the Lightsaber Dueling class weeks ago, and, wow. Even longer than mere weeks, it seems. Time is going by so quickly. I can hardly believe I've come so far. But back on track, I believe Shien is the best form for me. I've taken time to make this choice, to ensure I had it prepared when my master asked. The other forms just don't call to me like Shien does. Being able to switch between a powerful defense, and a quick and strong offensive on the fly is important to me, especially since I'll be keeping up with my Mystic master during missions.

Considering who my master is, I've already taken steps to add some additional flair to my combat style as it is, practicing feints, pivots, and more agile, quicker moves than those I was taught during Shii-Cho class. Kethry is cunning, she has to be, so it's important to me that I try to be so as well.

Meditation is still practiced twice each day. At this point, I think I can recognize most of the people I've come to know so long as they are in range of my senses. I've been paying particular attention to locating others, wherever they may be, within the Alderaan temple, as I often sit outside near the waterfall to help in my focus. Breathing out pesky, negative emotions is becoming less difficult through my growing skill in meditation, as well. Of course, I do still struggle with the occasional jolt of discomfort, and Kethry has reminded me that the mission must always come first, no matter how I might feel. Therefore, learning to control and even purge myself of these negative emotions has become increasingly important for me, lest I be blinded in the future by anger, pity, or something else.

I also attended a Curato Salva class, taught by Headmaster Novianis. I, along with a few other students, were taught how to restore our strength and stamina to our bodies when exhausted, in addition to other important effects, such as purging the body of toxins. This has come especially in handy during my personal practice sessions, ensuring that I have even less downtime between defending and attacking against my imaginary opponents, which very well could be real one day. It also helps that my fight against those mercenaries on Tatooine has given me some real combat experience, and has helped me realize how exactly I react to high stress, unexpected situations. I'm working to ensure that it's not so easy to ambush me, or others with me, in the future.

Additionally, I am reeling in that overconfidence that I'm used to feeling, or that I was used to feeling. Sort of like a bucking, rampaging Tauntaun that I've lost control over, I am now pulling hard on the reins, rather than letting it run wild inside of me.

Discipline has definitely been something I've worked hard on in these past few weeks. I successfully managed to get into the Temple Guard. Now, how I did that, and what took place during that process, I will not be speaking about. It was special, and I wouldn't want some nosy sentinel slicing into this journal, and then blabbing about it to everyone else. Regardless, I've been taking my training as a Guard, along with my own padawan duties, very seriously. It is still difficult to control my overflowing levels of energy. Occasionally, I will twitch, and shuffle my feet, but I am determined to gain self control over that part of myself as well. As a Temple Guard, discipline is more important to me than it ever was before. I will learn to stand still, and listen instead of talk. I will learn to watch, pay closer attention to my surroundings, and not get so easily distracted.

That isn't to say I've lost the charm of my sassy personality, or at least, I like to believe so. But there's a time and a place for cheerful humor, and sarcastic taunts, and as of late, I haven't had much time for either of those things. I do wonder how Lyceus is holding up, though. He must be going through just as much as I am. If I've changed to such a degree, and, dare I say, matured, how much has he changed? I'm sure we'll both be fairly recognizable to one another. I might be a bit less... bouncing off the walls during our next joint training session, but I'll be sure to throw a few friendly taunts his way. I wonder what path he's going to take, though. I haven't had a chance to talk with him in some time. Is he still uncertain about his role in the Consular school? I should consider myself lucky that I don't struggle with that at all. I know my place. I know what I want. And I'm determined to get there.

I am quite glad I've been so serious and dedicated in regards to my training, as of late. A few days ago, some of us Jedi, including myself, were summoned to Hoth on an additional mission. We were investigating droids, among other things, and after the briefing with Master Sur'realle at the fleet, we were off to the surface of that freezing world. Thankfully, I like to be prepared, so I had an outfit ready, warm and meant for use in extreme, frigid weather. Even tucked into that, though, the air was cold. If it weren't for Kethry's teachings on Tapas, I would have been much more uncomfortable out there.

The entire mission was... chaotic, though, to say the least. We all ultimately ended up sidetracked by a small group of people who claimed their friend crashed in a blizzard, and that they were now being crushed beneath the snow.

Yes, there were a lot of red flags. Why didn't one of them stay behind with this friend of theirs? Why didn't they approach the nearby Republic Base for assistance? Whisper Pine, myself, and a few others managed to get our first set of objectives done, regardless. The healer that was with us, Jardzia, objected to us leaving the people who were calling for help behind, but Knight Whisper made it clear that the mission came first, and of course, I agreed. This was what I had been taught to believe, trained to do. I breathed out my discomfort, and we carried on. Of course, we ultimately ended up in the same place again regardless, and, a bit unsurprisingly, the people claiming their friend needed help lured us into a canyon, filled with the droids we were looking for in the first place. Another red flag. Of course it was a trap. One of the Initiates was gassed when a droid was destroyed, temporarily losing her connection to the force.

After that? There was just more confusion. We met a woman in the canyon who didn't seem entirely too fond of us, and other Jedi recognized her. I didn't get many answers, though, and Kethry wasn't present, so I couldn't exactly just lean over to her and ask. We still managed to get samples of those droids, though. We made our way back to our Jedi flagship, and reported all of our findings. That Initiate was taken to the med-bay for testing and observation. Ultimately, the mission was just chaotic, and once again, I ended up in combat, not only with droids, but with pirates. Thankfully, my weeks of training and practice, along with previous experience, proved enough for my survival. I was careful to avoid striking a killing blow on the pirates. I don't know if the others noticed.

I'm not so sure what the end result of that entire mission will be, though. Samples of those droids will have to be analyzed, but that's not something I'll be helping with.

When that was done, more practice. More training. My first Initiation Ceremony as a Temple Guard. And earlier this afternoon, another private lesson with Kethry. I informed her of all that I had learned on the lightsaber forms, as well as informing her on my decision to train with Shien. She seemed pleased by the choice, and after that, we dueled. I practiced my Shii-Cho, while she demonstrated a few different forms for me to defend against. It has become obvious that my control of the blade is significantly better than it was when I started. I caught her by surprise at least twice, when I seized an opening, and when I utilized that feint that I have been practicing. Perhaps that was a good enough display to assure my Master that I am serious and dedicated to my training.

And, that was just an hour ago. I finally have a bit of free time, though I intend to meditate on my new assignments. I had a lot to talk about tonight, and I don't know when my next opportunity to record another entry will be. Regardless, you can expect that I'll be training just as hard as ever.

#kallia

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