#cscb art queue

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Some thoughts after seeing that art—the hidden trauma of Baz Pitch

Cynopoe’s riveting and heart-rending recent fan art of Baz hit me very viscerally when I saw it, much the same way that sentence affected me when I first read Wayward Son.

I think it is not uncommon for readers to perhaps focus on Simon’s considerable trauma and sometimes forget or minimise how truly troubled and damaged by it all Baz is too.

I can’t forget it

It’s obviously not a competition as to whose trauma is worse, but Baz manages to function and keep it hidden more than Simon does. They both have years of suppressing it but Simon, in the past, had the ability to vent some of his considerable energy and inner turmoil into the battles he fought against a host of magical creatures on behalf of the Mage,. He had the ability to release what he could not hold in by “going off.”

Simon chooses to not discuss his trauma at all, chooses not to think about it in Carry On and–as we find out with regard to his childhood in WS–suppresses it enough that he doesn’t even recall it clearly.

Baz, on the other hand, buries his trauma deep. It exists within him but he, as with many things in his life, attempts to exert an iron control over it. He remembers and allows himself internal monologues about the traumatic events that have shaped him, but he references them in a calm, at times almost detached, way. He keeps people at arms length. He does not reveal much to anyone, not even his family. Not to Fiona, who finds him in deplorable condition after the numpty kidnapping. Not to his father, who is concerned for his well-being. Not to Daphne, or his teachers, or as far as we know any of his classmates either. He projects a polished and unflappable exterior, one that he carefully curates over the years.

He forgets that the one time he didn’t keep it all in is the time Simon reached out to him with true intimacy.

The forest kiss.

Baz broke down.

He let Simon in. He allowed himself to be vulnerable, to cry in the car. 

“His face is stone, and when we get out of London, tears start to fall from his eyes. He doesn’t wipe them or blink them away, so they streak down his cheeks and cling to his jaw.”(Chapter 60, Carry On.)

He admitted the long-held secret of his vampirism, verbalized the guilt still resonating from his mother’s death, admitted the deep fear he has that his mother would reject him as he is now.

He swings his wand and practically howls, spraying fire all around us. “This is what my mother would want from me, you idiot.” He sneers at me, baring his teeth–all of them. His canines are sharp as a wolf’s. “My mother died killing vampires,” he says. “And when they bit her, she killed herself. It’s the last thing she did. If she knew what I am . . . She would never have let me live.”

“She loved what I was!” he shouts. (Chapter 60, Carry On.)

He revealed the depth of his despair, even if it was only for a brief time.

"This is what I deserve.” (Chapter 60, Carry On.)

It’s the first time he lets his mask down completely. When he allows himself to be vulnerable, reveals the devastation and pain within him.

And Simon kisses him. Simon may be surprised later in Chapter 71, when Baz calls them both a mess, but that’s Baz letting him in again.

Revealing his vulnerability. Admitting what’s below the surface. The roiling mess of trauma that lives within him.

“What you are is a fucking tragedy, Simon Snow. You literally couldn't be a bigger mess.”

He tries to kiss me, but I hold back. “And you like that?”

“I love it,” he says.

“Why?”

“Because we match.” (Chapter 71, Carry On.)

And Simon forgets that again and again, which we see most notably in Wayward Son, with his inner monologues on how well Baz is doing, how he’s thriving. 

“Baz is at uni now. Thriving. 

Everything that happened with the Mage and the Humdrum just made Baz more of who he was meant to be. He avenged his mother. He solved the mystery that’s hung over him since he was 5. He proved himself as a man and a magician.” (Chapter 2, Wayward Son.)

But even though Simon says that and intimates that he’s not enough for Baz anymore, that they don’t match, he still is observant enough that he comprehends that Baz is hurting inside. He just manages to get things a bit muddled in his assessment, assuming Baz is suffering because he’s staying with him rather than seeing that Baz is suffering because of the growing emotional and physical distance between them. 

“But I hate to watch Baz suffer. I hate being the reason he suffers.” (Chapter 2, Wayward Son.)

Baz has learned to suppress and cope and he’s really good at it. He’s had lots of practice. But Simon has spent a long time watching Baz and can tell that something is off. But he's not in a place where he can communicate with Baz and ask why, so he makes assumptions that are not accurate. 

And with Simon falling apart, Baz doesn’t share his own personal mess because he’s so focused on caring for Simon.

“Bunce and I never leave him alone now if we can help it. We go to lectures, we study. (That’s what Bunce and I do. That’s who we are.) But there’s always one of us around–making Snow tea he won’t drink, sharing vegetables he won’t eat, asking questions he won’t answer . . . “ (Chapter 1, Wayward Son.)

I also think he doesn’t want to burden Simon with his own issues. He loves Simon so much and yearns to support him and be there for him.  His own trauma feels lesser, compared to Simon’s, so he buries it again, forgetting that you can’t compare trauma. It is what it is, to each individual, and no one’s trauma trumps another’s.

Sharing it would actually bring them closer again, but he believes he has to be a positive support to Simon and can handle his own issues.

Baz ends up totally missing the point that keeping that to himself makes Simon feel they don’t match anymore, when in actuality they do!!

Inside they are both messes, desperately in need of therapy and love and communication and empathy, for and from each other.

Carry On was about the rise and fall of Simon Snow. Wayward Son was in theory more of Baz’s book.  And in many ways it truly is. It’s revelatory for him in many ways,  but Baz also goes through hell in Wayward Son. It’s easy to get caught up in Simon and his withdrawal, his depression, how changed he is.

But Baz is suffering.

Baz is dying inside.

The person who literally kept him alive, the person who makes him feel alive, is slipping away from him and he can’t figure out how to stop it. His dream came true and it’s slipping from his fingers.

Many readers said they felt Baz was out of character in Wayward Son: where was his snark, his sarcasm? I don't see that he was out of character. His most intense snark had been a self-protection, particularly against Simon. He HAS Simon now. His words are more playfully snarky and sarcastic than mean or bitter. This is a glimpse of the true Baz–the Baz who can be funny and protective, empathetic and caring, who has a soft heart but still loathes himself, under that posh and polished facade.

From “Things I hate, a list” (by Baz):

13. Myself, most of all. 

14. My soft heart.

15. My foolish optimism.

17. Being a vampire, if we’re being honest.

“There’s no safe time for me to see you, nothing about you that doesn’t tear my heart from my chest and leave it breakable outside my body.” (excerpts from Chapter 14, Wayward Son.)

But just as we see with Simon, an individual’s personality can undergo some changes when they are depressed or overly stressed or resigned to something that makes them unhappy.

And Baz is resigned in Wayward Son.

Resigned to the fact that he may lose the one person he’s wanted for so long, The person who brought him back from the brink. The relationship that has given him hope, made him feel alive, made him feel accepted and enough.

He doesn't think he’s enough anymore. Not enough to keep Simon afloat.

He takes all his cues from Simon. He is hyper-focused on Simon, as much as he ever was in Carry On but the difference is he’s also an exhausted and depleted caregiver who’s not caring for himself emotionally.

So his character really isn’t drastically changed, we’re just seeing Baz with some of the harsh edges blunted. And we are seeing a Baz who is holding himself together and carrying on, despite his own deep issues, because he wants to be there to support Simon.

It’s much the same with Penny: readers have commented that she behaves differently as well. She’s not out of character, in my opinion-she’s simply not dealt with her own trauma either. She may know it’s there, but she too is not dealing with it head on. She’s focusing more on Simon and Baz than herself. 

“All right, so, yes, things haven't been going so well. And I should have been the one to see it coming.”

“So, yes, I knew that Simon had suffered–but I thought that winning would make up for it. I thought victory would be enough. That relief would fill in all those holes.”

“But it was a mistake thinking of that as an end. There is no end. Bad things happen, and then they stop, but they keep on wreaking havoc inside of people.” (Chapter 3, Wayward Son.)

She’s worn out and stressed but she’s desperate to help and support Simon, just as Baz is. Desperate enough to concoct a plan that’s actually not very well planned out because she’s at her wits end with regard to Simon.

“I know perfectly well that going on holiday isn’t going to magickally fix everything. (If there were a way to magickally fix this, I swear to Stevie I’d have figured it out by now.)” (Chapter 3, Wayward Son.)

And she’s worried about Baz.

They all know they are off their game but they don’t talk enough to figure out why.  And they don’t want to burden each other with their own issues. They see how they are deteriorating but Baz and Penny don’t recognise it in themselves and Simon is so deep in his own morass of depression and damaged self-worth that he doesn’t really see the cracks in their facades.

So they struggle and misunderstand and muddle through it, but the love they all have for each other shines through.

"Baz rubs her back and lets her cry into his shirt. I love him so much, and I want to tell him so.” (Chapter 15, Wayward Son.)

“Then, in a rush of warmth and cedar and bergamot, he kisses my cheek. ‘Good night, Snow,’ he says.” (Chapter 17, Wayward Son.)

“I’d give him all that I am. I’d give him all that I was. I’d open up a vein.” (Chapter 41, Wayward Son.)

“Penelope sighs, leaning over the seat and Baz holds his wand to her mouth. ‘Kiss it better!”

“Basil, that’s a family spell!”

“Hush,” he says, kissing her cheek. (Chapter 64, Wayward Son.)

“Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?” (Prologue, Wayward Son.)

The trip to America is an attempt to break through Simon’s detachment and despair, but it manages to expose the fragile hold Penny and Baz have on their own suppressed trauma and the damage they have sustained from it and from burying it for so long.

We can’t forget that. Simon’s trauma and loss is immense and devastating and grabs our attention. But Baz has suffered greatly and is still suffering. His trauma may not be as evident as Simon’s in Wayward Son but it is as deep, abiding, and most definitely not adequately addressed by him or those around him.

tl;dr: Baz has sustained and is still dealing with a lot of trauma too. 

(I basically sent a wall of text about this to @fight-surrender​ yesterday and she encouraged me to put it into a meta.)

(thanks @cynopoe for the heart-breaking art that spurred this post.)

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

I posted 266 times in 2022

10 posts created (4%)

256 posts reblogged (96%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@rainbowrowell

@letraspal

@sailorblossoms

@artsyunderstudy

@stardustasincocaine

I tagged 266 of my posts in 2022

#simon snow - 204 posts

#baz pitch - 188 posts

#snowbaz - 168 posts

#carry on - 157 posts

#good art - 144 posts

#any way the wind blows - 89 posts

#cscb art queue - 80 posts

#wayward son - 67 posts

#simon snow series - 58 posts

#the simon snow trilogy - 53 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#the poses—on guard and confrontational at watford/facing away from each other for wayward son/tender and turned towards each other in awtwb

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Fic author self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass it on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love ❤️

Hey anon, thanks for the ask and thanks also to @messofthejess for tagging me to do this! I’m always awkward with any kind of self-promo but here goes.

Always the Sun (Teen, 11K) Baz Pitch is a well-recognized face and name in the intense world of high fashion. Fashion Week finds him unexpectedly thrust into forced proximity with Simon Snow, the inexperienced model who has become Watford's new face and director Mage's new protege.

Self-indulgent fluff. I had the best time writing this—their game of 20 questions particularly and I always love writing flustered Baz.

Little Secrets (Teen 2.5K) Simon joins a Live Action Role Play club and meets Baz there. Penny knows nothing about it and attempts to introduce them, since she's friends with Baz. In an effort to get out of telling her about the LARPing Simon gets himself in far more of a situation with the story he concocts. Baz decides to role play along with him.

Short one shot written in response to a tumblr prompt. I had such fun including all the canon call backs and having Baz just run with Simon’s story.

Let My Love Open the Door (Teen, 12K) Baz is a teacher quarantined at home and Simon is doing temp work delivering food for The Girl and the Goat, a local pub. A craving for a burger leads to Baz ordering from the pub, followed by weeks of mutual pining, the slow burn of a developing relationship thwarted by the physical constraints of social distancing, and a refrigerator full of pub food.

A completely self-indulgent, fluffy quarantine fic with mutual pining, wingman Agatha, and erotic hand holding. And flustered Baz. Again.

Bad Case of Loving You (Teen, 8K) Medical AU where Simon is an A&E (Emergency Room) physician and Baz is a surgeon. A miserable day and night on call bring Simon and Baz to some realizations about themselves and each other--amid medical emergencies, automobile wrecks, and call room mishaps.

This fic brought my fandom favorites into my world, into my line of work. They fell into this medical AU so easily and made me laugh so much as I was writing it.

Can’t Find My Way Home (Teen, 65K) Former school roommates Baz and Simon run into each other at an airport when their flight is cancelled due to inclement weather. They team up to try to get home for the holiday but luck is not on their side. A Travel AU with planes, trains, automobiles, snowstorms, road trip mishaps, mutual pining, bickering and banter, gratuitous use of tropes, and quite a bit of romance.

This is my longest completed fic, my most popular Ao3 and Carry On fandom fic. I enjoyed writing it so much. It was a daily part of my life for months and I still find myself thinking about this AU. I’m proud of the story arc and the characterizations. And the fact that it’s the one multi-chapter fic I sort of managed to finish.

This was fun. In looking over this list my favorites definitely all fall into the “fluffy AUs that make me laugh” category. 😂

Not sure who’s been tagged but I’ll tag @bazzybelle @fight-surrender @sourcherrymagiks @tea-brigade @palimpsessed

27 notes - Posted May 19, 2022

#4

UNSUNG HEROES

Thanks for the tag @bazzybelle

post your three most under-appreciated bookmarks! fics you love that may be flying under the radar!

1. Recapture The Magic by rainbowbaz

This is an older fic and I’m honestly surprised it doesn’t have more hits. I know some people have read it but it you haven’t check it out!! It’s one of my early favorites and one I come back to again and again.

Summary:

“If you don’t meet your spouse at Watford, Penny says, you could end up alone – or going on singles tours of Magickal Britain."

Ten years after Watford, Simon is lonely and magic-less, and ends up doing exactly what he vowed he would never do - going on a singles tour of Magickal Britain. The only problem is that out of all the mages in England, he's been matched with Baz Pitch, who seems just as moody, rude and annoyingly attractive as he used to be.

2. Wings by @aristocratic-otter

This is a post-Wayward Son fic that imagines the gang back at Watford after their return from America. It tenderly confronts the idea that Simon retains some residual magic, explores his Salisbury family connections, and gives such a lovely snapshot of this found family, and the depth of love between Simon and Baz. It’s a very healing fic. Canon divergent now that AWTWB is out but oh so worth the read. Just lovely.

Summary:

Simon may not have lost his magic after all.

3. Written in the Scars by half_a_numpty

Ok, full disclosure, I am so fond of reading domestic fluff and this totally hits the domestic fluff buttons, but it also is a very healing fic to read? It’s like an epilogue to AWTWB. It addresses some of their past Watford-era conflict and it features body worship and intimacy and just go read it! (Also, it’s this author’s first fic in the fandom and I’d like to see more from them.)

Summary:

A night at home a week after events of AWTWB. Simon and Baz in bed. An exploration of scars. Memories of their time at Watford. Confessions. Boys in love. Mostly fluff but a little hint of more. AWTWB spoilers.

I’m sure everyone’s been tagged but just in case I’m tagging @midnightbluskies @fight-surrender @penpanoply @meenawrites @makedonsgriva @angelsfalling16 @otherworldsivelivedin @amphipodgirl @ladymac111 and anyone else who would like to add their under-appreciated favorites

32 notes - Posted May 10, 2022

#3

This is a selection from the massive Simon Snow playlist I’ve been putting together over the past few years. This is a smaller collection of songs that make me think of Simon–at his best, at his worst, and somewhere in between. They span the Carry On, Wayward Son and Any Way the Wind Blows years. A few songs have been pulled from the official playlists but not many.

Happiest of birthdays to you, Simon Snow. You deserve the world. And Baz would do anything to be able to give the world to you 💚. Enjoy the cake and the love of those around you 💜.

36 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

#2

My Rosebud Boy

By @rainbowrowell

(slightly) Spoilery mood board

Below the cut

49 notes - Posted November 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANY WAY THE WIND BLOWS!!!

I can’t believe it’s been a year. All the love to this dragon-winged boy and his vampire boyfriend. Thank you for their story @rainbowrowell 💚

106 notes - Posted July 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Love this!!

Happy Birthday Simon Snow Salisbury 🫡 Welcome to 27!!! I will always love you, thank you for teaching me that life can gets better and to keep trying 🌹

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Love this!

Simon Snow trilogy x Good Omens 😂❤️

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

And the inevitable companion

certified milk post

made with (and for) @shrekgogurt

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

I think about this scene often. I remember getting to read it before it posted and I literally gasped when I read it. Iconic. I feel the same way when I reread it now.

COC 16 ⁙ Punk

There have been times when I wonder if someone once cast isn’t it ironic? on me and never bothered to take it off, because at this moment the illegal mobile hidden in my pocket (I don’t care what the Mage says, I’m not leaving my music behind) switches songs, and the Pixies comes on, the bass thrumming out the opening chords to Here Comes Your Man.

– rebel rebel, by BasicBathsheba

No one does it like Ban does. All of Ban’s writing is stunning, and rebel rebel is practically compulsory reading in this fandom. This scene in particular seared itself into my brain when I first read it in 2018 and hasn’t faded one bit.

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

This is gorgeous

I helped Simon pick out a sofa today.

Chapter 56 of Any way the wind blows by rainbow rowell

Wanted to try a little more of an “artsy” composition with some of these panels ^^

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

THIS IS PERFECT YOU NAILED IT 😂😂🤣🤣 YOU BROUGHT IT TO LIFE

@carryon-countdown

Day 24 - cross

“Throw darts at it all you want, but you still printed out a picture of them to hang on your wall”

@carryonsimoncarryonbaz dropped this most incredible line from a tumblr post into my DMs and we spent about 2 hours digging a hole for Watford Simon to lay down and bury himself in. It’s so Simoncore it’s not even funny 🤣

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

He’s splendid! That eyebrow and lip! And that hair!

Baz "That Bitch" Pitch

After I did that sketch of Simon, I thought (naturally) that I'd sketch Baz. Simon was such a sweet character, showing up on the page of my sketchbook with little muss or fuss. Happy to be there.

Then there was Baz.

Fucking Baz. Baz, who couldn't just let me doodle him. Oh, no. No, I had to get him right. And he refused to be drawn the same way I did Simon, fairly carefree and loose-lined. Baz has standards. I barely got away with it being a sketch at all. Do you see how he's looking at me? Honestly.

I have to be done now, though. (No, you don't get a detailed jacket in this one, Baz. Sorry not sorry. Get back in my fanfic and we'll talk.)

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Omg these are AMAZING

Currently obsessed with the Simon Snow trilogy and couldn’t help but doodle a BUNCH of Simons and Bazes. This batch is based on Carry On, the first book in the series :)

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

This is stunning. I’m overwhelmed. This is one of my favourite scenes and you’ve brought it to life so beautifully. The light, the colours, the absolute tenderness of their touches, the way Simon rests his head on Baz’s shoulder, Baz’s words in this scene, the tail, the wings, their faces, aaaaahhhh!!!!

And the sketches that follow!! Running his fingers through Baz’s—how happy Simon looks and how vulnerable, tender and content Baz looks. This is a gift to all of us, Bhavna. Thank you for it 💚

Favourite scene from Any Way The Wind Blows for Baz’s birthday!

And an extra page of Simon playing with Baz’s hair because this is apparently my new favourite thing:

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

PERFECT!

@carryon-countdown 2024 | Day 1 | Something Old

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Love these

Baz Pitch & Simon Snow

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Oh! Malcolm! 😭

Day 29 ▪︎ Uh-oh

“Oh, Basilton. Thank magic.” My father’s standing in the doorway, looking a hundred years old. He drops into a leather club chair and groans ...

“Is Daphne at book club?”

Swithin makes a fussy noise, but settles back on my chest when I pat him. I look up at my father to see if he heard me.

He’s starting to cry.

–Any Way The Wind Blows, @rainbowrowell

I knew I needed to draw poor little meow meow Malcolm Grimm at some point during Inktober, and the "uh-oh" prompt seemed appropriate. I intended to draw him all pathetic in his chair, but that didn't pan out.

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

This is literally so accurate

coc 2022 Day 24: Showers

“…His eyes lose focus for a second, then his brows drop. ‘She asked me to give you something…’

‘What?’

Simon holds on to my shoulders and stands on his toes to kiss my forehead. Then he settles back on this heels and smiles at me.  ‘That.’” (pg 240)

[carryonsimoncarryonbaz]

Ow 😭😭💔

“I’ve become very familiar with his hands. …we do hold hands almost all of the time. Snow’s like a child who’s afraid of getting lost in the market.” - @rainbowrowell

I feel like we, as a fandom, are getting too optimistic with this short story (coming out in 1 day, 15 hours, and some odd minutes but who’s counting) and I wanted to bring us back to our true state: ow ow time.

I fucked around with colors and tried to make the line art a mix of blue and red (to tie their breaking emo hearts together chamber by chamber 🖤), toyed with lighting, as well as visual story telling. I am so ready to be hurt again 😌