#crying over tumblr image formatting

[ranidspace]

there is a very real (but pretty small) chance that wordpress and therefore tumblr (which is financially dependent on it) could go under (or it gets bought for -10 cents). so if it does, i would want to know NOW where to go when it's over instead of trying to figure that out when everyone's rushing to jump ship.

i want sites where i can make posts however long, have as many images in whatever format, and have PROPER TAGGING. proper tagging is the main requirement for me but dear god does nothing use it. if i have to use pillowfort im gonna cry.

[dinoswordsb]

Hii

Just read ur moon hunting poem!!! I really really liked it. Would u be willing to share a bit more about it? Like the process of coming up with/working on it, inspiration, what meanings u attribute to it? I'd just really enjoy hearing more!! Thank u for writing it and for sharing it!!

Hihi sorry this took so long to get to haha

I did write a little bit about all that in the notes somewhere as a reply to someone asking the same thing, but there are a few things I didn't mention bc I didn't think they were important so I can get into that here ^^ Thank YOU for the ask and also enjoying my little piece of writing <3!

Sooo first off I do have to say, as always, that this poem was written about a character that my friend ( @stjeromeshospital ) made. You can go look at cool pictures of him over there his name is elliot prague :) This ended up being pretty long so I'm gonna put the actual deets under a read more *thumbs up

I will say this may come as a shock but the original scope of this poem was I wrote it about a couple of characters that started in a minecraft smp with some friends and they quickly grew beyond that....which is crazy to look back on. I wrote this poem for the other players to find in a book!!! and then posted it on tumblr and it got 12k notes which makes my head spin honestly. I never imagined that something I would make would ever touch so many people.

The poem itself is about a year old now, so the details of coming up with it are fuzzy, but from what I remember:

I was at work during a slow hour or two thinking about a poem my character could write for the others to find. I wanted to write something about his best friend/lover. Hunting is a prominent theme with this character, as well as feeling secondary to an older sibling, so I knew I wanted to incorporate that.

Two major images in this poem are inspired by music! Specifically there were a couple songs that I was listening to at the time that had lines that really stuck out to me. One being "Shot the moon down in a parking lot" from KW by The Accidentals, the other being September by Sparky Deathcap. The latter was more of an insp than the former overall, but I really can't NOT mention it bc it was the crux of the entire image of the moon being something TO shoot down. But as for September, the entire fourth verse was the part that really stayed with me. In particular, "The way the skin splits 'round his bones," as well as "the mud and the blood in the grass" is pretty much the direct cause behind the image of the moon turning everything white when it crashes. I wanted to imagine what that would look like, since you know, it doesn't have blood to spill or bones to splinter. So I settled on a powder. It felt haunting to me lol...I also love the way the song starts out so gentle and suddenly escalates into that climax; it really is a beautiful piece of music, and I wanted to mimic that sort of structure in my poem. I like to think I managed.

The list format is something everyone likes to praise, and I think the only reason I tried that out was because I wanted to challenge myself. I had been thinking about writing a piece for the minecraft server that was a book that was a step by step guide on how to butcher something from the characters' home world. But I used that here instead.

I also remember that I was at work when I wrote the original draft of this hwkhkgshkdh the first lines popped into my head and I didnt want to lose them so I remember specifically running to the bathroom and whipping my phone out to type them out in my notes app which is really funny in retrospect because I cannot emphasize enough how frantic i was to get it down on paper or somethign so I wouldn't forget and I didnt want to get fired for having my phone out LOL. I finished the rest of it that afternoon after I got home.

I deliberately made 32 main lines because the character this is written about is 32!

Cicadas are screaming, the phrase destruction itself, and stars are crying because in the world these characters are from they have no concept of god and angels, at least not the way we do. I enjoyed writing around that, because it was a challenge for me personally

And finally I really specifically wanted to try to capture the feeling of grief. Grief wherein you try to prove yourself but end up just ruining things, or making them worse, or really just fuck up in a way that feels like the world is ending. You want to be seen and maybe you are but not in the way you want. And sometimes it feels like this is just all you're capable of. I wanted to try and capture that because that is such a raw feeling of helplessness. But art is in the eye of the beholder so even though this is what I wrote about, I do love hearing what people attach to it when they read it :]

Theres a lot more I could point out about the inner workings of this poem, but they require a lot of context that just isnt available because I never post about the characters that are mine and afaik my buddy only really posts pictures about theirs and not writing.

[redfoxwritesstuff]

totally random, but what advice would you give to fresh writers on Tumblr/ao3?

Learn from others around you. Look at people you admire and see how they're doing things. How are they formatting things? What catches your eye about their work? What makes you stop and click?

Look at those around you with intention to learn.

Look at fics that do well but maybe you don't think they should- why are they?

Engage with your followers, cultivate your community but mind your bandwidth. If you have the energy and enjoy it. respond to comments and invite conversation. If you don't, mind your tone when you're short and sweet. Not everyone thrives on a full inbox- it makes my lonely ass feel good but others, like my friend, it can be anxiety inducing.

Engage with other writers in public. Comment on fics. Reblog. Be the reader you want reading your fics (I'm bad at this personally because I'm usually reading while working and forget to go back and comment).

Tag appropriately. On tumblr, front load all your relevant tags first. Things like #fanfic or #writer or #ao3 or #my fic won't get you views- put them last if you include them at all. Tumblr culture is moving away from reblog driven, no matter how much we hate it, and your tags need to first be functional to get you found. Don't tag side ships. Don't tag ships that are not present.

*the read more cut* please, if it's over a few hundred words, slap a read more cut. People will not reblog sometimes purely because the lack of a read more cut.

People are visual. I had to be bullied by @redvexillum to visual up my blog. We have pinned posts now, use it. Organize shit. Use colors and gifs and images but for the love of god, don't use weird fonts- screen readers often can't read them.

AO3 is a crap shoot. I got nothing for it other than tag your best and cry with me as you struggle through the 'additional tags' section where it feels like you're writing a second summary and trying to be witty. I haven't cracked the AO3 code yet.

If anyone figures that out, clue me in lmao

[justabtsblog]

Hi i love you've story I just follow in here i have request can you do namjoon having high fever really really high namjoon threw up multiple times namjoon head was really really dizzy namjoon can't stand up and walk properly and namjoon having no appetite to eat bts members take care of him and keep eyes on him

Lots of people have been requesting Namjoon with a fever so I combined your request with another I hope that's okay, I tired to combine all the elemnts from each request. This can be read as Namjin or platonic.

For  Balqisbeauty on Wattpad and bluepeacelove on Tumblr, thank you for requesting. I'm sorry I'm soooooo slow.

under the cut due to length (1376 words)

NAMJOON'S PERSPECTIVE

My head has been foggy all day, I'm even more clumsy than usual and when I snuck away to take my temperature it was 39 degrees (102.2 fahrenheit). I know that's not good but I don't feel that bad so why worry everyone. I can't disappoint ARMY, I have to do the show tonight.

As we rehearse I keep treading on Jin's foot. "Ow! That hurt. That's the third time today Joon, are you alright?"

"What oh, yeah I was just distracted." I change the subject, "Is your foot okay?"

"Yeah, just be careful we don't want anyone getting hurt tonight, including you."

I nod, feeling a bit guilty. I should just go on and tell him but, what if they make me sit out of the show? I can't do that. I notice my vision getting slightly blurry and panic for a moment but the thought of seeing ARMY and impressing them lets me calm down and gives me the will to continue on.

When we get out on stage the fans scream and the sound assaults my ears leaving them ringing but slowly, I get used to it, the ringing gets louder and blocks out the screams. The first few songs go alright but I find myself struggling to keep up with the choreography. Despite being okay during rehearsal, I'm not able to match the frantic energy of a concert.

I just have to hold on until we have an outfit change so I can get some water and maybe some medication. But I don't think I'm going to make it that long.

Black dots obscure my vision, warping the image like snow on an old television or a crack on a computer screen slowly spreading until the entire screen is black and fuzzy. I stand helpless and dizzy as the once small dots consume everything. I'm sure I look like an idiot. I feel hot with embarrassment and then I hear a thump and then . . . nothing.

JIN'S PERSPECTIVE

The energy on the stage is everything we all look forward to. Wild and crazy, a long awaited get together between us and ARMY. Namjoon looks a little dazed at first but greets the audience with enthusiasm. 

—

I almost don't remember I have a mic on and I struggle not to cry out in pain when Namjoon's boot clad foot stamps down hard on my own.

I shoot him a look, he doesn't seem to notice. He doesn't look like he's noticing much of anything. He's at least three steps behind in the choreography. What's going on? He looks around with an almost desperate look on his face, blinking intensely.

He begins to sway on his feet, crap! I break the formation and reach out to him, we both fall to the floor as he faints.

Jimin who was next to me looks over and lets out a confused squeak only amplified by his mic. Screaming erupts through the arena, this time in fear not excitement.

Luckily we've all been trained on what to do in this scenario. "Medic!" I shout and then more quietly to Hoseok, "Tell them he's just fainted."

He nods and uses his notoriously loud voice to reach over the screams and inform the crowd.

The medical staff appear and we all follow them backstage.

"He has an extremely high fever. Were any of you aware of this?"

"He was a bit out of it at rehearsal but other than that no, he didn't say anything." I say, feeling honestly a little mad. Mad at Namjoon for hiding this and not looking after his health, mad at myself for not noticing sooner.

"Okay, he'll need rest and fluids right away."

I nod and we step back letting the medics do their work. The medics have to stop a few times to allow Namjoon to throw up. I wince each time. Namjoon does drink some water but then falls asleep. At least he's getting some rest. He doesn't wake the entire time we're bringing him back to the hotel, letting me and one of the staff support his weight.

—

When he wakes up I instruct everyone not to crowd around him. I have to hold back my own frustration at his stubborn self-endangering behaviour.

He blinks his eyes open. I can't resist hugging him tightly.

"Jin?"

"Yes Joon-ah. You gave us and ARMY quite a scare."

I can see his eyes beginning to sparkle with tears, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

He sits up and wraps his arms around me, returning the hug.

"Is there anything I can get you? Some water, food?"

"No, I'm not feeling very hungry." He gives a small smile.

"Of course not." We stay hugging for a while.

—

I open my eyes to a morning sky out the window of the hotel, we must've fallen asleep together. A warm body shifts under me, Namjoon. 

"Oh sorry."

"It's okay." he says softly, voice almost nonexistent.

"Oh crap Joon, your voice. Is your throat okay?"

He nods then clears his throat heavily, "but my head feels funny."

I put my hand to his forehead worriedly luckily it isn't nearly as warm as before.

"Your temperature is down but you're probably going to be feeling pretty bad."

He just nods again. I can hear footsteps outside, it must be the others. Finally our surroundings register with me. We're in Joonie's room. Memories come back in flashes of the staff helping both of our sleepy forms into the hotel room for the night.

"Can we come in?" Hoseok asks softly.

"Yeah, could one of you also bring some tea for Joon, his voice is gone?"

"Oh, of course, Yoons will go." At his words I hear someone shuffle off, most likely the aforementioned man.

Namjoon starts to stand, probably to get the door, but he falls back on the bed clumsily. He looks embarrassed and I offer my arm. We walk slowly to the door and open it. 

The remaining members stand in the hall, all holding different things. Tissues, blankets, an extra bin. I cringe remembering Namjoon's horrible experience last night. He threw up five times. Hoseok had to leave the room. Namjoon blushes at the attention.

We all sit with our leader, who leans his head on my shoulder seemingly only moments from falling asleep again.

When Yoongi returns with the tea, I help Namjoon sit up.

"Thank you so much, hyungs, maknaes."

"Of course, how do you feel, hyung?" Jimin asks, taking the cup from Joon's slightly shaking hand.

"Woozy, I just want to lay down."

"Yes, you need rest. Do you think you could stand to eat something, Joonie?" I ask

He shakes his head vigorously paling a little at the mention of food.

"Understandable."

We both laugh a little. I hesitate. I don't want to scold him but we need to make sure this never happens again.

Hoseok must have read my mind. "Namjoon. Why didn't you tell us you weren't feeling well?"

"Oh. Uh . . . I-I" He looks down, avoiding our eyes or maybe to hide the tears forming in his own, "I didn't want to disappoint the fans. I'm the leader, afterall."

We all have the same thoughts and it's a mess of hands patting his back and shoulder and head, consoling him.

"Joon," Yoongi looks our leader in the eyes, "You're the youngest hyung, our baby, as much as Kook, Tae or Minnie, it's our job to look after you."

"You're never a bother, your health is more important than any show." Hoseok adds

"Yes, please next time tell us, you gave us and ARMY a big scare, poor Hoseok almost had a heart attack when you started puking."

"Ah, please don't mention that." Hoseok looks embarrassed and vaguely disgusted at the same time, he steps behind Yoongi. "Sorry, Joon. I know it isn't your fault, I just can't."

Namjoon nods, still a little teary.

"The medical staff said that if you'd said something earlier you may have even been able to take medication and be on stage with us at least. They think you should be able to do the next show or at least the one after that, besides, ARMY is happy to have you there, whether or not you perform. Next time don't push yourself so much, okay, hmm?"

"Okay."

We all nod, forming a large mass of bodies in a seven person group hug. We'll definitely be spying more attention from now on.

(A/N: I'm bad at endings, sorry.)

[bonefall]

Probably an odd question bc its not exactly about warriors, but unfortunately ur the only one i know to ask. I really want to make my own blog for a Warriors AU but im not sure how to go about it. It's a little daunting I guess? What worked for you when making the blog, and should I focus on art, writing about the lore, or some mysterious third thing?

I actually got my initial followers by throwing in thoughts about Thistleclaw and Snowfur during a time when the fandom was buzzing about them for no particular reason. I got RB'd by a bigger blogger and got a circle of like... 50ish followers from there

I think the most important, foundational belief that will help you is to remember you are having fun. It's Tumblr; no one gets REAL clout here. Be silly, shitpost, chat publicly with people, be nice and remember that the vibe should always be, "Sleepover and we're all pitching ideas."

Uhhh assorted thoughts,

It's ok to write in any format you like best. I do a lot of bullet points because I have chronic focusing issues.

Adding a simple picture to any text post immediately boosts engagement with it. If you can draw a doodle for a character or concept you're gonna talk about, people enjoy that a lot

Describe images when you can. It's massively appreciated for screenreaders.

On that note, try to avoid google documents and offsite links, have a link and a "read more" where you post the text. Take advantage of Tumblr's lack of character limit.

Try to visually break up your textwalls. It really helps people read your stuff.

OH and remember; when it comes to followers, quality over quantity. You will be so much happier if you don't focus on follower count. Instead, focus on the Regulars who come into your replies to be like "IM CRYING WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS OH THST HURTS SO GOOD".

I get a massive spark of joy when folks I recognize come into the inbox. It's much more rewarding than watching faceless numbers go up.

[fainthedcherry]

IT'S NEW YEARS OVER HERE SO LET ME LAUNCH MY BABIES AT YOU FOR IT!!!!

In case you want their backstories, I just recommend you go over to their Toyhou.ses respectively, as- typing on Tumblr is a pain for my PC. My PC hates Tumblr in particular for some reason, whenever I format text, and I can't LIVE without formatting text as a hobby-author man. xD

LINK TO MARCO'S STORY

LINK TO ZORRO'S STORY

For new users; Marco was made by Heavenly-Hellfire and Hollowed-Hartlocke. I bought him back in 2019! Still love him like it's day 1. My best, most adorable boy <3, he's become my actual role model, I love him sm ;:

In case you never read them before, hopefully you enjoy the reads!!! I hope you can forgive the older grammar on Zorro's. I def plan to rewrite it, once I finish working on my raider-code. (It's been taking so long bc I'm trying to learn to use the CSS mixin z-index class-type. I still can't figure out image borders for the life of me, but I learned rotation class-types LOL.)

I've wanted to redraw both their reference sheet for almost YEARS now. Ever since I've gotten Marco, I continuously evolved how I draw him, over and over, to a point his old ref had become a detriment, due to how differently I draw him nowadays LOL. One thing that desperately needed a redo for him especially, how his hair is supposed to be drawn + his wings. His wings looked like floppy chicken nuggets on the old one LOL. PLUS! I added a section of details, where I see artists I commissioned, struggle with or fail on. Hopefully the detail section is sufficient in fixing that! I'm not sure, if I should also add a mention, of Marco's dot details below the pink pattern, as even the distance between the dots is different. + I LOVE DRAWING EXPRESSIONS. So to also add a small box of extras for Marco's cool glowy eyes was a treat. <3

I plan to redraw his refs for his magic wind attacks perhaps, as for now, I have a shabby drawing, and I got a free animation program lately, so I can FINALLY unleash my years of experience animating, in the appropriate program now LMAO. My own limitations of using SAI to animate, was making my animations look choppy and bad for years unfortunately, so my art always looked very amateur-ish when I actually know how to animate..

Speaking of that, for the attentive...Yes, I plan to possibly try and draw a 360° turnaround of my characters, as the next natural progression of refs next. I am SO close, so so SO close to making my art finally look like it's part of my project I've been working on for years in private. Ever since this year, people have proven, that you CAN start an animated series on the internet, and it will receive an audience. I also wanted to start an animated series when I was a teen, and now that I'm an adult I can make it happen for sure, with the right talents. When the time comes, I might seek out a music producer and perhaps, if I'll have the money, hire animators, so that I'm not the only one who has to work on the series I planned.

For Zorro....He had it coming. Last time I drew his ref, he looked like a 16 yo/ mobian child, it pissed me off for so many years, once I learned how to properly make adult characters look adult lol. THE CEREAL SPITTER NOW ACTUALLY LOOKS ADULT AND LIKE THE BASTARD SELF HE SHOULD BE. I don't have too much to add to him, but I consider him still a WIP in my brain bc- RAIDER PAGE CODE. I WANNA FINISH. GRABBY HANDS. I CAN FEEL THAT IF I LEARN Z-INDEX FINALLY I CAN REALISE THAT CODE. I've wanted to make a code for my raiders 3 years ago already y'all it's painful to be patient w/ myself sdgkldslgdsg

I'm so satisfied, with my ref sheets finally looking, like a professional drew them imho!! If you disagree w/ that notion, feel free to tell me what's missing or where I need to improve on! :D

My 2024 started amazing and with laughter and appreciation for my friends, I'm so happy finally. 3 years in a row, all I did was cry each new year, and be in pain. 2024 feels like it could be my year. Year of the dragon, bless me with your energetic and powerful spirit please,, 🙏

ANYWAY. Forgive me in advance for watermarks, but I kind of? Am paranoid now over my art a bit bc my work is good now? Like I think I'm in the final stages of my artistry. I can feel, that I might find the perfect style soon. I need to experiment just a bit more. Just a bit more...I might consider loosening up my linework in 2024. I honestly still? Hate lineart? Like..My lineart looks good now, don't get me wrong but. I just love sketchy artwork so much more??? Sketching is so fun, creating is so joyful, when it's a sketch..But lineart kind of.....Ruins my art. I think I should loosen up. It's why I might change my approach a millionth time, but my artstyle has potential now. I don't feel, like my art is awful anymore or worth nothing, it now HAS worth, I now HAVE the right to have an ego about it, but some pieces still are missing, to give me the ultimate happiness and relief in my work. Perhaps if I do some more commissions, I might unlock my final potential? We'll see.

My aspirations for 2024;

Pass the prep-exam for my workplace (I LOVE MY WORK. I SINCERELY WISH I'LL PASS. I love work so much omg I don't wanna be fired so badly)

Draw more art of Finn & Marco so they finally pass Chloe in most images on TH (I REALLY DON'T WANT HER TO HAVE THE MOST IMAGES STILL. It should either be my comfort boys or C.I.Ta)

Be more experimental with mixing medias traditionally (I wanna start mixing mini craft-projects + my drawings or mix more pencils + markers and also glass pens + watercolours. I rlly rlly wanna experiment and go loose.)

Animate more and possibly even post said animations. I know animation takes me HELL OF A LOT of time, as I lack so much time to do so, but I'd love to do that

Stop stressing so hard over OTA's and commissions. I know I tell myself each year, "this year will be the year I wanna finish all my owed art!!" But every once and a while, I need to be a realist to myself, my optimism may be good, but it sometimes..Is a little over-eager. But I noticed in 2023, I really heavily strangle myself out. I haven't drawn any private art since 2020, really.....It says a lot about an artist, if they now haven't drawn a personal drawing and finished it, in the same quality of their owed work for 4 years now. I haven't been really honest to myself and my heart, and I'd like to forgive myself slowly, by allowing to both work on owed work, and start creative, passionate art-projects again, again, where I can let loose and just. Experiment. Do something new. Push the boundaries of my art. Combine medias, collages, etc, anything under the sun I wanna try. I limit myself so hard, over chasing a goal, I can't achieve, if I won't acknowledge, I'll cause my own death as an artist, if I continue to chase unattainable goals, I can't achieve, if I won't be gentle to myself.

Finish revamping my commission sheet. It requires, I draw new examples of course. The big thing I need to warn ahead; I will have a fat price-increase, due to work taking all the time I can have now. I can only work around 4hrs a day on art. My art takes around 20 hours to be finished. Every piece is done with love, with time, with effort. I'm not an artist, who adheres to algorithms. I'm an artist who lives with passion, with freedom in mind. I have an endless amount of ideas, I have an infinite amount of space and ways to create it. I am not a machine, I am, what an artist strives to be. To simply...Create. AI can go to hell, and drag NFTs along with it. I to this day get attempts to be hacked, by tech bros, believe it or not. I pissed off BAYC on Twitter once, and some butthurt idiot, is still trying to get to my Insta and Steam to this day. Won't happen anymore with 2FA idiot, lmao. I won't allow a 2nd hack to happen.

Finish giving ALL my characters on TH a floatie icon. I know w/ 100% certainty, that I got this task in the bag. This one is of no problem at all.

With that, thank you for reading my world-salad! Almost as tasty, as mom's olivier-salad. Yumyum. Btw secret lil teaser ig below here lmao. I started Finn's sheet too, and I've got it 1/3rds done, but I don't wanna burn myself out on ref-sheets, so perhaps you'll see Finn also reworked in a few months! ✨

[excusethequality]

My 2024 in Film: March, part. 1

It would seem that I watched too many movies in March for Tumblr to handle!

By which I mean that it turns out there's a limit on the number of images you can attach to a single post and I watched more than that.

But I've been liking having a picture to go with each entry, so I'm gonna have to just split this one into two posts. Which means that you get two big posts instead of one monstrous post.

So really this is probably for the best?

Anyways, it was a month of extremes. Some soaring highs and some rage inducing lows.

So join me as I ramble about such things as: classic documentaries, experiments in gender, why the Academy can die in a fire, the difference between bad movies that are interesting and bad movies that make you wonder why you did this to yourself, and more!

* = rewatched

37.

Scream VI

(2023)

— Meta Horror Directed by: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett

The people who were still alive after Scream 5 are back, weirdly not harboring any sort of PTSD from what they lived through, and living in NYC. That's right: Scream is lost in New York.

Both these new Screams want to create a new franchise with a new cast of characters. Cool. I always appreciate when someone tries to move the timeline forward instead of just remixing the original.

But it's hard for me to care about these new characters, because there's shockingly little character development. I'd swear the last movie never happened, because the new crew seem utterly unfazed from having narrowly survived being brutally slaughtered and having witnessed the deaths of close friends and family.

And the two main characters are the most boring of them all!

I know a lot of people would disagree with me and love this one. So clearly there's a difference of opinions out there.

I will say that I liked this a LOT more than 5. Moving the location from Woodsboro was a great move and was a lot more fun than I was expecting.

And, I know this isn't what I should have been focusing on, but the Halloween costumes in this movie?! They are fantastic. There are so many great ones lurking in the backgrounds of shots. Far and away my favorite part of the movie was trying to identify all the Halloween costumes.

38.

An American Pickle

(2020)

—Comedy Fantasy Drama Directed by: Brandon Trost Based on: “Sell Out” by Simon Rich

An immigrant to America falls into a pickle vat in 1919 and is preserved until it is opened 100 years later. Now lost in the strange new world of the present he tracks down his last living descendant and the two try to find common ground.

There's actually a really interesting idea at work in this movie. But more often than not the whole thing was just played as a bit instead of really developing the metaphor.

I'm not really the target audience for this one though, so I'm open to the idea that parts of it were just going over my head.

39.

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

(2022)

—Animated Fantasy Adventure Directed by: Guillermo del Toro Based on: Le avventure di Pinocchio. Storia di un burattino by. Carlo Collodi

A woodcarver's drunken wish is granted when a godly being brings one of his creations to life.

Eagle-eyed readers might be thinking, "Hey! Didn't you previously say that you had beef with Netflix and would never give them money? Then how, pray tell, did you watch this Netflix original?"

Well, dear readers, it's because my local library had it due to it being released in a physical format from the Criterion collection. So there!

I'm going to be upfront and let you know that I am biased against this, because I have never liked the story of Pinocchio. In fact, that's why I never went to see it in theaters even though it was playing at the theater I worked at and thus could have watched it for free.

[In a particularly memorable day at the theater I made a man cry when I had to tell him he couldn't bring his dog to this movie. Then he went around telling everyone in the lobby that I broke his heart and ruined his day. So...yeah, that was a weird day.]

But I digress! [surprising no one]

I still don't love Pinocchio, but I will say that this is far and away my favorite adaptation. del Toro adds a lot of depth to the story by setting it in Mussolini-era Italy. Plus I love when people attempt stop-motion animation.

That being said, I have some issues on the animation in this though. I really love the animation of the non-human characters, but the human characters faces didn't match the level of emotions the voice actors were giving and the result was a discrepancy that had me convinced I was watching a dub.

I looked into it and it seems to be because the non-human characters were generally done by swapping the model's face plates between frames [a style of animation you might recall from films like The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline]. Meanwhile the human characters had models with faces that were built to be physically manipulated to change their expression [like in Fantastic Mr. Fox].

There's pros and cons to both methods, but I can't say I'm a fan of them both being used simultaneously. It was really breaking my immersion when different characters had completely different limits on their ability to emote. And there were so many times a voice was giving tons of emotion and the character's face was giving like 20% of it.

Okay, I'll stop ranting now...

Ewan McGregor was miscast in this and they had Tom Kenny in the movie and gave him like a line or two? What's the story there?!

Okay, okay, I'll be done for real now.

40.

Dick Johnson is Dead

(2020)

—Documentary Directed by: Kirsten Johnson

Having already lost her mother to Alzheimer's and with her father now beginning to succumb as well, filmmaker Kirsten Johnson seeks to create a record of who he is while also trying to document what it's like dealing with the inevitable death of a loved one.

"Netflix again!" you say to yourself. "Truly he is lying to us and doesn't want people to know that he actually has Netflix!" Wrong! Once again I got this from the library, because once again it had a physical release from the Criterion collection.

Suck it, Netflix!

Libraries for the win!

In more relevant news, Kirsten Johnson is ruling the top of the my movie rankings for the year. First there was Cameraperson and now this! She is out here doing fascinating things with the medium of documentaries.

I wish it was easier to say why you loved something than it was to say why you disliked something. Because this is such a hard movie to convey the tone of.

It's funny and heartbreaking, morbid and sweet, reverent and irreverent all at the same time.

Johnson is like a magician who tells you exactly what's up her sleeves. She'll show you what the trick is and how she's gonna do it. Then somehow she still manages to surprise you when she does it.

And it's not a true documentary in the sense that she's basically going in the exact opposite direction of cinema verite style. But she's also always documenting her process of breaking the rules.

In someone else's hands this could be a mess, but she's just such a master of the form that she knows exactly what rules she can't break, which ones she can bend the shit out of, and which ones she can ignore altogether.

41.

Dioses de México

[English title: “Gods of Mexico”]

(2022)

—Documentary Directed by: Helmut Dosantos

An unspeaking look at the resistance to modernization in Mexico as we witness the people still versed in the old ways.

This was one of my roommate's picks for our theme of: "Oh!...So That's a Thing".

The fact that there was no narration or really any dialogue made the whole thing rather fascinating. There were times I was dying for someone to tell me exactly what people were doing in a scene, but then again that's kind of the point, isn't it?

It's so easy to take modern machines for granted, that when you see someone making something the old fashioned way it almost makes the steps seem like a kind of magical alchemy.

42.

Oklahoma!

(1955)

—Musical Rom-Com Directed by: Fred Zinnemann

A woman gets mad that her pseudo boyfriend assumed she was going to the local dance with him instead of asking her and tries to make him jealous.

Although I watched a lot of musicals growing up, this was one that I was aware of, but never saw.

I know that this is true of many older musicals, but there's a lot of crazy shit going on in this. And yet there is practically no story or character development at all...and the movie is over 2 hours long?

How does almost nothing happen in nearly 2.5 hours?

And then against the grain of everything else in the movie, you've got this girl [woman? how old are they supposed to be?] having a whole subplot about how she just wants to sleep around?

Probably a good one to watch with a friend, because you can talk to each other and not have to worry about missing anything.

43.

Grey Gardens

(1975)

— Documentary Directed by: Ellen Hovde & Albert Maysles & David Maysles & Muffie Meyer

A look into the lives of a reclusive mother and daughter, who once belonged to high society, but now live by themselves in a dilapidated house of questionable safety.

Since documentaries have been dominating the top of my best of the year list, I've been making an effort to watch some of the famous documentaries that I've never bothered checking out before.

I never bothered with this one because it sounded a little bit cringe.

One of the inherent questions of journalism and documentary filmmaking is what is the ethical line for documenting something as it is instead of trying to change it? For instance is documenting someone dealing with mental illness encouraging their delusions? Or is it bringing to light the ways a detachment from society can have on a person's life?

I don't have the answers. But you can find some very interesting arguments as to whether or not this documentary crossed an ethical line.

But I do now understand why this has had such an impact on people. I don't even know what to say about it. It is one of things you have to see to truly understand.

44.

Dating the Enemy

(1996)

— Sex Shift Rom-Com Directed by: Megan Simpson Huberman

A former couple wakes to discover they have swapped bodies and are forced to try and navigate lives in the other person's shoes.

So on a whim a started making a list of movies I've been calling "Experiments in Gender." Because an esoteric subgenre of movies I love is movies that play around with ideas of gender. Things like Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, She's the Man, Titane, etc.

And so sex shift fantasy movies are likely candidates for the category. HOWEVER, a lot of them are Freaky Friday style movies that aren't about learning about life in a different gender, but specifically learning about life in someone else's shoes. Which interests me considerably less.

The trouble is that the specific nuance of how this is tackled is usually not apparent from just a trailer or a synopsis. So the only way to find out where they land is to watch them.

"Why are you telling me this?" some of you might be wondering. Well, if you plan to keep up to date on these movie lists o' mine this is relevant information, because there's more of them coming.

Anyways, it turned out that this is not an experiment in gender, it is just a Freak Friday body swap scenario.

And there was no point in a Freaky Friday scenario because their relationship failed, not because of mutual misunderstanding, but because the dude was TERRIBLE and treated her like shit.

Also I think it made me realize that I don't like Guy Pearce.

Post swap, Claudia Karvan is acting like Guy Pearce's character is in her body. But Guy Pearce is just acting like his generic idea of a woman is in his body. He's not even trying to act like her character at all! And this made me start to question everything I've ever seen him in.

I will give it bonus points because they do have sex with other people while in their swapped bodies. But minus the bonus points again for the film moving right past this and ignoring the fact they both technically just had gay sex.

Things like this are why you aren't on the list. You gotta deal with the nuance of the situation!

Further proof that it doesn't count is that he didn't even get a period while in that body. Because, as previously discussed, the movie is a coward.

45.*

Waiting for Guffman

(1996)

—Mocukmentary Directed by: Christopher Guest

Cameras follow a small town's attempts to create a play about the history of their founding.

Rewatching Best in Show last month gave me a nostalgic taste for mockumentaries, so here I am.

I think I've only seen it once before so my memory on it wasn't the best. But when I heard the stool song I specifically remember watching that with my best friend's family back in the day.

It's definitely not the best of Christopher Guest's movies, but it's also not the worst. Although I will say that I've noticed that a bad habit of Guest's is making native american jokes. And I know he's not specifically making jokes at their expense per se, but through them he is still perpetuating the racist stereotypes from old westerns and they haven't aged well at all.

On the brighter side Parker Posey is in it and every scene with her is a delight.

If you love mockumentaries I think it's definitely worth watching. But if you only watch one Christpher Guest movie this isn't his strongest outing.

46.

The Aggressives

(2005)

— Documentary Directed by: Daniel Peddle

A look at the subculture of masculine presenting people of color in New York City.

I combined my documentary kick with a @gayverlyearp recommendation, because I am a master of efficiency!

Anyway it was a quality recommendation and a really interesting movie. It's especially interesting when you see the ways that gender expression has changed over the years. I hear the director made a follow up movie somewhat recently and I'm really curious to see if I can find that somewhere.

47.

Pachyderme

[English title: “Pachyderm”]

(2022)

—Animated Drama Short Directed by: Stéphanie Clément

A woman looks back at her childhood through memories muddled by time and trauma.

I attempted to go down the rabbit hole of watching the Oscar nominations for Best Animated Short. I couldn't find them all, but I did find the majority.

And I started off strong, because this one was my favorite of the lot. It's just beautiful and heart breaking and sticks in the crannies of your brain after you're done watching it.

And can we talk about the way it uses a picturebook illustration art style? That was such a brilliant choice. The way they use it portray childhood memories that have faded with time and become these stories we tell ourselves? The subtle way they use the composition to give scenes nuance?

It's so friggin' good. Highly recommend giving it a watch.

48.

Ninety-Five Senses

(2022)

—Animated Drama Short Directed by: Jared Hess & Jerusha Hess

A man on death row reflects on his life through each of his senses.

Another best animated short nominee.

It didn't hit with the weight that Pachyderme did, but I like how they both use really creative ways of talking about memories.

Specifically looking at a life through the lens of memories you associate with a particular sense is such an interesting prompt. I have some issues with this one that I can't go into without entering spoiler territory, so I didn't l love it, but I do respect it.

[I do get chatty about the films on these lists, and one can't talk about a movie with "spoiling" something. But I do purposefully steer away from just telling you the entire plot.]

49.

WAR IS OVER! Inspired by the Music of John & Yoko

(2023)

—Animated Short Directed by: Dave Mullins

Two soldiers discover that war is bad by playing a game of chess via carrier pigeon.

Don't even talk to me about how the Oscars handles the category of Animated Shorts unless you want to hear me rant at length. I'm still not over the fact that they give the tritest, most Hallmark Card-iest, cliche Inspirational Poster-iest entry the Oscar last year.

And they did it to me again!

Is this some sick joke on me? Is this personal, Academy? Did you hear me talking tons of shit about you and decide to get some revenge using a smaller category that the average viewer doesn't care as much about, but that I love?

Please keep in mind that I hold nothing against the animators who had to work on this project, because the animation is not on trial here. But this short SUCKS.

Some nepo baby pulled the sentiment "War is bad, okay? Don't do war" out of their ass...and they gave it an Oscar?

It is LITERALLY the worst entry in the category!

50.

Our Uniform

(2023)

—Animated Short Memoir Directed by: Yegane Moghaddam

The filmmaker reflects on the ways her uniform shaped her past.

Using the uniform as the animation medium to talk about uniforms is a truly brilliant move. It lacked the real emotional depth that Pachyderme and Ninety-Five Senses had, so I didn't think it would win. But I really liked it. And for a directorial debut? For a filmmaker that wrote, directed, and animated it herself? Fantastic work. Really curious to see what she makes next.

51.

Poor Things

(2023)

— Fantasy Drama Adventure Directed by: Yorgos Lanthimos

The result of a bizarre experiment goes on a grand adventure of self discovery.

I have a love-hate relationship with Lanthimos' films and I never know if I'm going to love them or just be utterly baffled by them. But with all the Oscar noms and wins I figured I had to check it out.

I actually don't have anything of note to say about this. As an asexual I felt thoroughly out of my depth here. The film has such a strong focus on sexuality that I can't really relate to most of it. I asked a couple ace friends what they thought of it and they had similar takes of enjoying elements of it, but feeling disconnected from it on the whole.

So yeah. I dunno! Go ask an allosexual if you want an in depth take on this.

52.*

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

(2004)

—Comedy Directed by: Adam McKay

A local anchorman in the 70s has his world flipped upside down when the station hires a woman to be his co-anchor.

I loved this movie back in the day. But it doesn't make me laugh nearly as much these days. There's still some parts I love, but it just doesn't hold the same magic for me that it once did.

53.

The Sex Trip

(2016)

— Sex Shift Comedy Directed by: Anthony G. Cohen

A womanizing pickup artist is cursed with a new body by witch until he can learn to respect women.

Ohhhhh, what to say about this one...

I kind of want to force someone to watch this with me, because it is just so wild and I want someone else to stare into the abyss and witness the madness that I have seen.

One nice thing about sex shift movies is that in most of them if you don't like the person playing the main character, you can wait a little while and they'll get a new actor in there.

And that's something you can't say about most movies.

There's this weird thing that can happen when bros accidentally wander into queer territory, because sometimes their extremely "no-homo" way of thinking can lead them into accidentally nuanced territory. And other times it will just be dumb and offensive.

But you know what? I'm counting it as an experiment in gender. Our protagonist gets a period, he realizes how annoying breasts can be at times, he experiments with his new set of genitals. He's got a best friend who is either secretly bi, or possible straight but specifically gay for his friend? I certainly don't think the writer/director was aiming for the best friend to be queer, but no straight man would be so eager to accept a threesome with his best friend. You can't convince me otherwise.

Would I recommend this to the average movie fan? Uh, no. It is not a great film. It is a weirdly interesting film, but I wouldn't say it's by any means a film of quality. In spite of it accidentally wandering into interesting territory, it's still very clear that some bros wrote this movie. There's plenty transphobia and misogyny and just plain cringe.

But I've learnt that while most people watch movies to enjoy them, I watch movies like a field researcher. I'm like a biologist in the field, looking under rocks and climbing trees to see what kind of weird stuff I can find. So if you're like me, well, this a fascinatingly fucked up little specimen for sure! You can see such odd little features such as: Tom Hanks' brother, Sylvester Stallone's brother, a man getting cursed for having the gall to not want to kiss a stranger he just met, a man try desperately to sleep with his best friend in a way that won't be gay, the worst blooper real I have ever seen, and more!

54.

Rubber

(2010)

— Meta Horror Directed by: Quentin Dupieux

An audience gathers in the desert to watch the live performance of a story about a tire coming to life and killing people with its psychokinetic powers.

While I love movies that are so bad they're fun, I hate movies that purposefully try to be bad movies. I assumed that that is what this was, and thus I never bothered with it.

However, it turns out that this is not really a movie trying to be a bad movie...it's...

I don't really know what this is actually. And I'm not entirely sure what it was trying to say....

But I do know that I didn't like it and don't plan to ever watch it again.

55.

Grizzly Man

(2005)

— Documentary Directed by: Werner Herzog

After Timothy Treadwell was killed by a bear while creating videos to help protect bears, Werner Herzog used his footage to create a documentary about Treadwell himself.

Another classic documentary that I had never bothered watching. I was slightly uncomfortable with the concept potentially being a little too close to a snuff film.

But I get it now. I get why it's acclaimed. This was not what I was expecting.

I was especially certainly not expecting Herzog to just periodically drag this dude? I was also not expecting that this dude clearly has issues.

56.

Victor/Victoria

(1982)

— Musical Rom-com Directed by: Blake Edwards

A female singer creates a hit act by pretending to be a male female impersonator, but along the way learns to love the lifestyle.

Oh ho ho, dear reader, this one came close to glory. If I liked the songs in this more, and if they didn't force a weird romance angle in there? This would truly be top tier.

That being said I still love it. Definitely an experiment in gender. It goes so much harder on the subject than I was ever expecting.

And the cast? The cast is exquisite!

Do I wish it was just sliiightly different? Yes.

Did I have a great time regardless? Yes!

57.

Tootsie

(1982)

— Monstrosity Directed by: Sydney Pollack

After burning every bridge he ever came across, a pretentious actor finds that he can no longer find work. Instead of bettering himself in order to repair his image and professional relationships, he decides to pretend to be a woman and steal some jobs from them.

Now do you see why I spent that time all those movies back explaining my quest to create an experiments in gender list? Has it not given you a peek into the process and important context for multiple films on this post?

Anyway, this is not an experiment in gender. This is just a fucked up movie.

I've heard about this movie a fair bit over the years, but all I've heard was that, A) it was really funny, and B) that Dustin Hoffman is amazing in it.

I was surprised to learn neither of those things is true. I was too busy being horrified to laugh at the terrible jokes. And Dustin Hoffman is either terrible in it, or doing an amazing job portraying a terrible, terrible person. You be the judge!

I hate this movie so much, y'all don't even know.

It's so fucking reductive, yet it acts like it's progressive. The whole movie is based on the premise that of course he's able to get the role, because he's a man while everyone else auditioning for the role were mere women.

Oh! And don't even get me started on the bizarre headgames and manipulations this dude pulls on the women in his life.

Ugh...I could rant about this movie forever. Truly terrible. I feel personally offended for having sat through it. And look at some of the weird shit I've watched so far this year! I watched a movie where a pack of people ravenously consume a rotisserie chicken with their hands while watching a tire kill people in the desert!

And the fact that I seem to be the minority in thinking it's terrible drives me even crazier.

We are 57 movies into the year and you better believe I threw this into dead last so fast.

And the very bottom of the list is the stuff that I wouldn't even watch with a friend. I would have to be bribed extensively to even consider seeing this again. You better be bringing plenty of booze and food or some cash and even then I'd have to really think hard about wanting to do that to myself again.

——————

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Previous Month's Posts:

Jan | Feb

[katdbee]

Face it!

Here are test grids using mistoonAnime at 20 sampling steps to test clipskip and denoising strengths, continuing with the same seed as previously, and the smoothy smooth grey goober image input for creating character facial expression references.

The prompts are all following the same format except with a different keyword to identify the facial expression I want produced. high contrast, anime face, blue hair, monochrome, {character making a face}

Of course more specific wording gets more specific results, however I wanted to give it some freedom in the hopes of keeping the generated character consistent.

{character making a happy face}

Because I was doing other things while doing this, I didn't mind creating 54 images each time as the 15-ish minutes between hitting generate gives me the opportunity to stretch my legs.

{character making a sad face}

Ideally though I would try to narrow this down to a more specific range so I could make more faster and have less to pick and choose from.

{character making a laughing face}

Another handy thing was enabling the setting to save each image of the grid individually. Thank goodness I have a new SSD on the way because storage will absolutely become an issue.

{character making a crying face}

Why generate reference faces, you might wonder. Why not just go looking for photos of real people or pictures others have drawn? Well, that's because 1: I don't want to get stuck looking, 2: I'm getting a remarkably consistent character, and 3: that's sort of what Stable Diffusion is doing for me anyways. This is all about using AI as a tool to get me over the things I've been stuck on, and making expressive faces is one of those things.

{character making a disgusted face}

{character making a surprised face}

{character making a shocked face}

As you can see it does struggle a bit if I tell it to make an expression that would drop the jaw. In the bottommost left you can see that the face shape changes to give us a cute little giraffe.

{character making a flirty face}

I may need to scale back what I produce that's intended for Tumblr, because this dumb editor crashed so many times.

{character making a doomed face}

[this-is-not-a-slow-burn]

Traditional acrylic painting question

I tried to ask this over at r/ArtistsLounge but I am a new user to the sub and they won't let you post until you've reached some magical line, so here, have my question Art Tumblr.

Gentle note that I'm not new to art by any means, so let me start with that since I'm used to getting answers that seem to assume I'm a beginner. I'm not.

Ok with that out of the way.

I've never worked with acrylics in a large format before, and my past experience with them has been non representational abstracts (intuitive scribbles if you will) and like monotypes, so I have some questions about coverage, dry time, and how to navigate white paint opacity.

The canvas is 30"x 40" (stretched) and the previous owner of the canvas applied silver spraypaint to it for unknown reasons, so I will be covering that with gesso first. (fingers crossed that the gesso will adhere and not crack or peel off. will do a test on one of the edges to see if rubbing alcohol will remove the spray paint but I don't have high hopes)

The painting itself will only be three colors total. Red, black, and white, but mostly Pyrrole red. I have two 2 oz (59 mL) tubes of it in Liquitex heavy body that were a gift, and it's an expensive color so I need to make this amount work because I cannot buy more. (I would steal it but the only place in town is hardcore watchful) This means there's not enough to do a bunch of testing with.

The plan right now is to mix in a bit of Golden acrylic medium to extend the coverage and make the application a bit smoother, just the same as when I do smaller size work. (I also have Golden Open retarder to slow drying time)

Since the canvas is so large, would it be best to mix up a bunch of paint and use a large brush or roller like those used for home interior painting and do the whole surface in one go, or do it in smaller sections? I ask because I have a bum shoulder and doing it in stages would be best for my arm, but there's a concern that it would leave distinct demarcations where the application stopped and started. There is someone who would help me if it should be done all in one go. I could probably even do it with my other arm if it came down to it. I also have Golden Open paint retarder to slow the drying time if necessary. (wow I just wrote crying time. gods help me it won't be that hard will it?) Mostly to avoid the paint drying on the palette too quickly because I can be sllllooooowww with painting. I have covered containers for color mixtures, but they're not great.

Then comes the question of bringing white into the picture (pun intended by accident). The white bits will be about thumbnail sized details, with some a little bigger and some smaller. Would masking them off before applying the red work (so they will be gesso "blank" and then paint white over them), or doing more of a pochoir (stencil) over the red? Or do I just give in and paint them by hand and hope that they don't come out wobbly edged (i'm terrible with crisp lines ;-;)

Ok I htink that's enough questions for now. I have several other (muuuuch smaller) formats I will be making the same image in (gouache, linocut block print, screen print (paper and fabric), monotype, paper collage, possibly a quilt-ish pillow, a knit wall hanging, and an embroidery piece on a jacket and a bag) but that's for another time.

If you or anyone you know can answer even a fraction of these questions, or offer tips, I will love you forever.

Reblogs or tagging artists is encouraged! <3

[unseededtoast]

Rectify | Bucky Barnes

Part 26/37 | Part Twenty Five, Part Twenty Seven

Summary: I've lived every day for the past five years looking over my shoulder. I knew they'd come for me, it was inevitable. I was foolish to think I could outrun my past. It's followed me everywhere I go, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Never would I have anticipated that the shadows would lead me to the light.

Bucky Barnes x OC

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, alcohol consumption, graphic depictions of violence, sexual content, discussion of suicidal thoughts.

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"Tony is coming after you two."

I feel as though I'm floating through space. I can see my old memories as if they're floating past me on clouds. I see the visions Wanda put in my mind as well, floating by with the memories. The illusion of myself in the mirror keeps coming back to me. The whisper resounds in my head.

I see the silhouette from Wanda's memory and the glowing red eyes seem to look into my soul. I hear the familiar whisper, it's like the silhouette is trying to tell me something. But what does it mean? What answer do I have?

The image quickly fades into the rest of those passing by. I see old memories from my childhood, from me being smuggled into America, teaching my students, saying goodbye to Bucky, all of it.

The memories seem to move quicker, and some of them begin to disappear. The clouds keep moving quickly in my mind until there are only a few that keep replaying. I see myself talking about the algorithm I want to make to free Bucky, followed by the silhouette. I hear myself talk about how I think I can place the algorithm in his mind, but when I mention the surgical laser, an image of Wanda's red magic pops into my mind.

As if I had been resuscitated, I wake with a start. I sit up straight and take a gasping breath. It all makes sense. The lights are bright in the room, and I see I'm surrounded by Fury, Nat, and Bucky. They all share an equal look of concern.

"Adalyn are you okay? What happened?" Bucky asks and pushes some of my hair out of my face. I smile softly at him and put a hand on his cheek,

"I have the answer." I say, my throat feeling dry. I feel as if I could cry tears of joy, I really am so close this time. Closer than I've ever been.

"What answer?" He asks, still confused about what is happening.

"The answer to getting the programming out of you. She showed me the way." I say and look to the others in the room.

"What do you mean she showed you? What happened in there?" Nat asks.

"Well, she showed me three things. One of them was a manipulation of one of my own memories, one was her own memory, and the other I'm not quite sure what it was." I say, voice trailing off at the end. I really don't know how to categorize the illusion of my own reflection speaking to me.

"Did she hurt you?" Fury asks, I shake my head.

"Not at all. Her powers are insanely advanced. It does have a connection to the gem back at Tony's building. She was able to get inside my mind and look at every memory I've ever made. It's incredible." I say, remembering that she told me she knew about Bucky.

"I don't know how you manage to do it, Averina." Fury shakes his head with a smile and walks out of the room. I look between Nat and Bucky who still have questions.

"What was it like?" Nat asks. I lick my lips quickly, and try to figure out how to describe it.

"Well, it was weird. It's like reality. It all felt very real." I say and touch my neck, still being able to feel Bucky's metal hand around my throat. Nat nods and doesn't push the issue any more.

"I should probably follow Fury out and see what he wants done. I think you should just take it easy for the rest of the day." She says and walks out of the room, leaving Bucky and I alone.

The infirmary is cold, and everything is blindingly white. The cool metal table I'm on is uncomfortable and starting to make my body hurt. I slide off the table, thankful that my balance is back to normal. I feel completely back to normal physically. Mentally, it's like my eyes have finally been opened.

"Let's get back to the room, I have some things I want to talk with you about." I say and he nods. We walk back to the room and I sit on the bed. I'm not sure what to bring up first. Bucky sits next to me on the bed and quietly waits for me to say something. I place a hand on his leg and look into his eyes,

"She showed me how to get the programming out of your mind. All I have to do is get the algorithm written and put into the gem's matrix, and then she can use her powers to put it in you. It might sound crazy but I think it'll work." I say and wait for his reaction.

He's quiet. He rubs a hand over his face and scrunches his eyebrows together. I feel a nervous twist in my stomach. What if he's opposed to the idea? I know it can be a lot to take in but I don't think I saw those illusions in that order by pure coincidence or accident. It had to have meant something. He puts his hand overtop of mine and nods his head,

"I trust you. If you think it'll work, then I trust your judgment." He quietly says. I let go of a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"I'm going to talk to her about it, just to be sure it will work. I don't think she showed me that on accident, I think she was leading me to this conclusion. If I'm wrong about this, then we can always do it the way I originally planned. One way or another it will be done, we're almost there." I say and squeeze his hand.

"You know whenever she was showing you things, or whatever it was, I thought you were going to die. It didn't look natural, Adalyn. Your eyes were red, just like the stuff coming out of her hands. I thought I was going to lose you." He says, and I hear the struggle in his voice. I stand from my spot on the bed and stand in front of him, bringing him in for a hug.

I didn't realize what it looked like to them, how terrifying it was. The last thing I ever want to do is scare Bucky. I run my fingers through his hair and place a kiss on top of his head as he holds me close. His arms are wrapped around my waist, his face resting on my chest.

"I'll never leave you Buck. It's going to take more than a little bit of magic to get rid of me." I say to try and lighten the mood. I feel like everything has been so heavy lately, and I fear it's going to start taking a toll on Bucky, if it hasn't already.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost you." He whispers.

"I don't know what I would do without you either." I whisper back and take in the silence.

I go to sit next to him and debate telling him about the illusion Wanda showed me about my father and the stage. I don't want him to feel guilty about something he never did but I think it's fascinating how she can manipulate memories like that.

"Bucky, she showed me a manipulated memory of when we were back in Siberia. She showed my father coming in and yelling at me, and when I went to follow him I was at the stage. You were there, and you begged me to not push the button. I undid the restraints and you choked me out. It was the most terrifying thing, it all seemed so real." I say.

"I would never-" He starts to say but I cut him off,

"I know. It wasn't really you, it's like a fabricated you. Something entirely conjured by her magic from my memory. It was the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. And she showed me a memory from herself, when she got the powers. There was a silhouette and it's like it stared right through my soul but it gave me the answer. I think the silhouette, whatever it was, led me to the answer of using her powers to implement the algorithm." I explain to him.

I didn't want to seem insane in front of Fury or Nat, and I know I can trust Bucky with anything I say. I didn't want the other to think I had been driven mad by the exposure to her powers. It doesn't entirely make sense to me, how her powers work, but I guess I'll have to chalk that up to the unknown.

"This is all a little over my head but we're in confusing times. Not everything makes sense. But I'm grateful for it I guess. If I can get this stuff out of my mind then I'm okay with not understanding everything." He says and looks into my eyes. His bright blue eyes are hopeful. I nod my head, agreeing with him.

I hear a buzz sound come from the side table and Bucky moves to grab the phone he had put there. The phone was meant for Bruce or Steve to gives us updates about what Tony is doing. Hopefully it's good news, we can always use a little more of that.

Bucky reads the screen and clenches his jaw. Maybe it's not good news after all. I feel my stomach drop, I have a feeling I know exactly what the text says. Bucky hands the phone over to me and I see it's a text from Bruce telling me to call him immediately. With slightly shaking hands I take the phone and call the number. It rings a few times,

"Adalyn." I hear Bruce's breathless voice.

"Bruce? What's going on?" I ask with urgency. This can't be good. I hear something in the background, it sounds like metal clashing on metal. I look to Bucky with wide eyes,

"Tony did it. He merged Jarvis with the gem. Something bad happened. Jarvis is destroyed, it's uploaded itself everywhere, and I mean everywhere that there's internet. It told Tony about Bucky, he knows Bucky killed his parents. The robots have gone rogue and Tony is coming after you two." Bruce hurriedly says,

"What robots?" I ask.

"The program took over some of Tony's suits. It evolved just like you said. It has a mind of it's own. Get somewhere safe." The line goes dead. I drop the phone and Bucky stands from the bed.

"Grab everything in there, we need to leave now." I say and Bucky quickly grabs the book and flash drives in the bedside table. My blood is pumping through my veins with ferocity, it's like I can feel my heartbeat through my chest.

We leave the room and I make a direct line for where Wanda and Pietro are being held. I open the door, neither Fury nor Nat are here, perfect. I know this could very well land me a place in prison, but I have to do this for Bucky. We can't risk being caught by Tony or the robots. I walk into Wanda's room and she looks surprised to see me.

"Wanda, you have to trust me right now. We have to go." I say. She looks confused.

"What do you mean?" She questions. We don't have time for this.

"Wanda please, we have to get out of here. Something bad is on its way and we need to leave." I say and she stands unmoving.

"What about Pietro? I'm not leaving here without him." She says. I don't have time to make compromises, so I guess we're busting Pietro out of here too.

"Okay. Okay just come on we'll get him." I say and beckon for her to follow me, which she hesitantly does. Bucky stands in the main area and I point to Pietro's room.

"Bucky can you pull those restraints out of the ground?" I ask and he takes a look.

"I should be able to." He answers.

"Can you? Please?" I ask and he nods. I take the book and flash drives from him so he has two free hands. He walks into the room and tells Pietro that him and his sister are going somewhere else. He pulls the chains out of the ground with ease and keeps hold of them. Which is probably a good move considering he has super speed. The siblings hug each other as they're reunited.

"Okay I'll explain everything on the way we just have to get out of here." I say and the two siblings nod. The four of us leave the room and we quickly make our way to the exit. The armed guards notice us walking through and some try to stop us.

Wanda quickly throws balls of red magic at them, and they collapse on the floor. We continue through the concrete halls until we reach the elevator. We all shove in there and wait for the elevator to take us to the ground level. It seems to take an eternity.

As with the guards in the halls, Wanda subdues those on the ground floor making it an easy exit for us. Outside there's two jets. We'll only need one. We quickly get into the jet, Bucky getting in the pilot's seat because he's the only one who knows how to fly.

"Where are we headed?" He asks. I take a sigh, knowing that our only option now is my backup plan.

"We have to go to the Sokovian base." I say. I really wish things hadn't come to this.

"Why are we going to the Sokovian base?" I hear Wanda in the back speak up. I turn in my seat as Bucky turns the jet on.

I explain to her about what Tony has done and what it means for us. I tell them all about how the framework has evolved to a level I'm not even sure of, but it's on a global scale. Since Bruce told us to stay away from the internet, there's only one place I know of that's recently been cleared of Hydra operatives and is completely off the grid with the technology I need.

Bucky speeds off to the base, and I turn back around in my seat. I close my eyes and swallow the lump that's formed in my throat. This all could have been avoided. If Tony had just waited we could've come up with a solution. Now, I have to get this algorithm written in record time and have Wanda put it in Bucky's mind. I hope it works, it's our only option now.

I feel one or two tears fall on my face. I can't believe it happened. I open my eyes and wipe my cheeks. Bucky's jaw is set tightly, he has a stone hard look on his face. I know he's less than thrilled to be going to a Hydra base, just as I am, but unfortunately it's our last hope. I turn around in my seat again.

"Pietro, I'm sorry we never got to formally meet. I am Adalyn. I know we don't know each other but for the time being we're all going to have to trust each other if we want to make it out alive. These robots could want the two of you just as much as us. Especially considering your powers are born from the same matrix it's operating with." I say. Their lives could be on the line too. If this technology has evolved it could want their powers for its own benefit. But I will do everything in my power to protect the three in the jet with me. They all have been tortured by Hydra and they all deserve to be spared from Tony's mess.

I begin thinking of ways to write the algorithm so that once we get there it won't take me as long to get done. I'm not sure how much time we'll have once we're there, but I imagine it can't be much. I tap my foot anxiously on the floor of the jet, this has all gone to hell so quickly.

Bucky reaches over and grabs my hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. I meet his gaze and he smiles. Though I can tell he's nervous too, it's heartwarming to see that he still trusts me and my judgement. He willingly started flying to Sokovia without questioning why. My heart swells with the realization of just how much trust he puts in me. I know if it were the other way around I would trust him the same.

I hold his hand as we speed of to Sokovia. In this moment I know with every fiber of my being that I love Bucky with my entire heart. There's nobody I'd rather be with right now than him, and I am so grateful he's trusted and stuck with me throughout everything that's happened in the short few months we've been reunited. I hope that once this is all over with we'll be able to get out of this lifestyle and find peace for the first time in our lives.

[lucresence]

vibe • 21+ • any pronouns • rp blog • mature themes • ger & eng

theme: glenthpvs || icon art: @neyty_ || header art: @vanekaiiri || sprites: @ramyeonguksu || profile layout: heavydirtysui || coloring psds: tigeredits & katzenx || dorothea icons: nugnacious || all genshin impact icons: dresspheres

GENERAL INFORMATION

I am new to tumblr rp, so please be patient with me! This is a multi-muse blog that mostly focuses on Fire Emblem (Awakening, Fates, Three Houses / Hopes), HoyoVerse (Genshin, Star Rail) and Fate (Grand Order). However, it may expand based on my own or someone else's interest. Muses may vary in activity. Semi-selective. Long and short form rp. Serious and banter.

ROSTER (FGO characters currently under construction)

↓↓ For short further information, refer to info below or here ↓↓

// GENERAL RULES

english is not my first language, please be patient with me and feel free to correct mistakes! I am willing to also write in my first language, German, if anyone is interested.

currently selective with cross-overs, focusing on remaining in the named verses. Exceptions may be made for Fire Emblem: Heroes and Three Hopes. For alternate universes of the Fate verse, please approach me first, as I may have to refresh my memory.

selective following depending on canon-compliancy and personal interests. Please do not take it personal if I do not follow you back, I am simply catering my space.

mature themes may be featured. Minors do not interact. I will mark posts with sensitive topics (cw // [word]), but keep in mind that my muses may be subject to a traumatizing past or present. While they may be mentioned in their headcanons, sensitive topics will not be made explicit in them. Specific mature contents possibly mentioned with a specific muse will be listed in their headcanon posts.

I will keep a list of content/trigger warnings of mutuals. If I ever forget to tag something, please kindly let me know. I want to allow a safe space for my mutuals and will gladly correct mistakes.

the following tag(s) will be muted: cw syringe image

no rushing for replies. They may take some time during busy times. Please also note that my speed of replies is not an indicator for my interest in interactions! I simply get very busy unexpectedly due to work, or don't have access to a pc for trimming threads from time to time.

no need to force replies. You may inform me if you lose interest or motivation for an interaction, nothing has to be finished, but there is no obligation to tell me.

my formatting style includes small text, italics & bold font as well as icons. If these or other formatting styles cause issues for you, I will gladly adjust my style.

any muse may be selected for interaction! Please make sure to mention their name or that you want a random character in some form.

will be tracking the tag #lucresence for interactions. Mentions via @lucresence are also very welcomed <3

muses are multi-ship and all bi-romantic. Explicit writing will require chemistry between writers, but so far it is unlikely to happen due to me being lost at tumblr, I am crying with both of my eyes, I am confusion, but if anything happens, it will be tagged as nsfw //.

all art used is either official art or commissioned by me. All edit layouts will be credited. Do not use commissions or edits that belong to me.

// DO NOT INTERACT IF

you are a minor. This blog will feature mature themes.

you disrespect common etiquette. No god-modding or the like.

you support any form of discrimination such as queerphobia, racism, xenophobia, sexism, religion discrimination etc.

you support i/ncest between blood related or legally related family members.

you surround yourself with lots of drama and fights.

[tiabwwtws-art]

Traditional art as I relisten to season one and try to get out of an art slump

[beezywriting]

Welcome (back) to Hawkins: Part 1

Summary: Three escaped from Hawkins Lab the night Henry went on his rampage. She spent years trying to put distance between herself and Hawkins, but strange dreams have her coming back to a place she hoped she could stay away from forever.

Word Count: 1,392

AN: Takes place around season 2 and will follow the show (to a degree, obv AU and when we get there, Eddie’s gonna be FINE thank you very much.) I plan to include all the canon members of the show but will generally focus more on the older characters. And the next part I’ll include an episode guide that goes with the piece.

I haven’t written on tumblr for years and this is my first ST fix so I hope you enjoy! More parts coming soon. Also sorry if the formatting is horrible, I had to post this from my phone :(

Three was only 13 when she made her escape from Hawkins Lab in 1979. Hair buzzed, hospital gown covering her instead of the regular clothes the adults at the lab and everyone outside of it would wear, not even shoes on her feet as she ran out in the pouring rain, only thinking to escape from the hell she’d been forced to grow up in.

The lab had been all she had ever known; Papa and his assistants, the other children she grew up with as her ‘siblings.’ She had never known a real family, none of them had. And while some of them were more complacent, desperate for Papa’s affections, she just wanted to get away. The hope of finding a loving mother and father, a real family that might be looking for her, that might’ve loved her once, was long gone, but she was desperate to get away just the same.

The screams from that night would haunt her dreams, no matter how far away she got from the lab. Images of children and aides alike, eyes gone, bodies warped with broken bones would chase her through the catacombs of her nightmares, and she was always powerless in her dreams. Only able to run as she had on that night, but never able to actually make it out. Each exit only another long hallway leading her to nowhere.

1983

The dreams become less frequent as the years go on, still, each time they would return she would wake with a cold sweat covering her body, chest heaving as if all that running was happening in the waking world and not the dream one.

Lately, it wasn’t just the night of the massacre that plagued her dreams. Occasionally she would find herself somewhere that at first, seemed very familiar, just like the world she lived in everyday despite where that may be at any given time. But the light was red, as if the sun had burst and was bleeding all over the sky. The shadows lurked around the corners, dark and dangerous as creatures screeched in the distance. Sounds she’d never heard any living creature make before.

Other times, it was the lab, and part of her knew that Hawkins was trying to call her back. Trying to call her home.

Papa wasn’t there in those dreams, neither were the other’s she had grown up with. She wasn’t even sure if any of them were left after what she’d seen the night she ran away. Would Papa even recognize her now, she wondered? Her hair, long and dark, now falling to the middle of her back. Her clothes, while not the most fashionable, usually whatever she could swipe from a lost and found bin or a second hand store, was a far cry from the harshness of the pressed hospital gown she was forced to wear before. And she was always careful to keep the small tattoo on her arm hidden.

Each morning Three would wake up and hop on a bus, grabbing a seat at the window and staring out as the scenery passed by. Every mile brings her closer to the place she’d spent years running from. She wasn’t sure when she’d made the decision to go back, or if she’d even made it at all. The occasional stranger would take the seat next to her and try to make small talk, but she didn’t have it in her to make the effort. Answering simply that she was going to visit family and leaving it at that. They would eventually take the hint and stop asking, one lady even getting up and moving to another seat entirely.

A chill passes through the bus as they pass the ‘Welcome to Hawkins’ sign. Three’s skin breaking out in goosebumps as several other passengers mention the sudden cold. The sun was still shining, not the red bleeding sun of her dreams, but it still didn’t seem to offer any warmth.

The bus rolls to a stop at the station, Three reaches under her seat and grabs the backpack she’d brought with her. Holding only a few changes of clothes and the meager possessions she’d gained over the years. Shrugging the bag over her shoulder she merges into the other passengers heading for the exit, feet shuffling as everyone takes their time getting off. When she finally makes it down the steps herself, and her feet touch the ground, something changes. It’s only for a second, if she would have blinked she may have missed it, but for just a second, the air around her had changed, and the bus station had looked decrepit and abandoned, cloaked in red light.

“You okay,” the person still on the stairs behind her questions, pulling her from her thoughts.

She hadn’t realized she’d been blocking the exit and hastily moved to the side, offering a quick apology before gripping her bag tighter, giving the building a wary look. It didn’t change again, the yellow glow of the correct sun shining down and glinting off the windows, everything as it should be.

***

It was almost nightfall when the lab came into view, and it looked just like it had the night she left. Surrounded on all sides by gates, flood lights on the roof that kept the courtyard lit up even on the darkest of nights.

The gates opened as she approached, headlights coming up the roadway slowly as she clutched the strap of her backpack a little tighter. Thoughts racing through her head, wondering why she had let this place pull her back in. It wasn’t lost on her that something was going on in Hawkins, and that maybe it was something she could help with. But it also wasn’t her responsibility that the people in charge of the lab had lost control of their little experiments.

The vehicle stopped, and Three held her hand up to her eyes like a shield from the bright light.

Both the driver and passenger doors opened, a woman and man respectively climbing out. The driver had a serious, almost severe look to her face. The man, who was older, a little pudgy around the middle, bore a soft smile on his face. Almost welcoming and inviting as he approached, a manilla folder in his hand.

“Well, I can’t say we’ve been expecting you,” he offered, coming to a stop several feet away from Three, “but we have been hoping you would come back.” When she didn’t speak, giving him a wary look, he continued. “My name is Dr. Owens, I took over for Dr. Brenner as Director of the lab. A lot has changed, it’s not like you remember it.”

“How do you know,” Three questions, “how do you know what I remember.”

His smile doesn’t falter, he waves the folder in his hand, “because I know all about you, Three. At least I know all about the time you spent here. And a little about the time you spent away. What we could find anyway.” There’s a knowing glint in his eye, but he doesn’t press, not intent on scaring her away when she’d only just returned. “I promise things have changed here. It still looks the same, sure. But the memories you have are only that, they can’t hurt you.”

“What about the place I’ve been seeing in my dreams. The things there,” her gaze on him is intense, and he can only give a curt nod, “can they hurt people?”

“I think you should come inside,” he offers in lieu of a real answer, “we can give you a place to stay- you won’t be a prisoner here, not like before,” he quickly adds, “and we can fill you in on what’s happened since you left.”

‘Not like before,’ didn’t sound completely promising. But after days of riding on buses and sleeping in terminals, after dragging herself back, what better choice did she have? Not entirely thrilled with her own choices, she closes the distance between herself and Dr. Owens, passing him and getting into the back seat of the car. She doesn’t witness the smile he shares with his associate as they both get back into the car.

Dr. Owens looks at Three in the rearview mirror as the car begins backing up towards the lab, “welcome back to Hawkins, Three. Welcome home.”

Also big thanks to @sw34terw34ther for reading bits and pieces before I posted this 🫶

[daisies-and-buttercups]

“Love and War / Chapter II″ - Luca Changretta x reader

Summary: Waking up to an empty bed and the words that Luca left for you, you soon realise that everything is going to go down today, and you’ll soon have to pick a side. 

A/N: I swear that this post took me at least three tries, tumblr kept deleting and/or messing up the formatting so I’m really hoping that this is worth it lol 💕

Words: 2.7k

Chapter I Chapter III

⋆﹥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━﹤⋆

The next morning you shifted in bed, stretching your arms in search of your lover’s body, but all you felt was the crumpling sheets, still warm from where his body was not too long ago. You groaned, sitting up and scanning the room, eyebrows scrunched into a tired look. If you had to guess what had happened the night before just by looking at your room you wouldn’t have had any clues. Your clothes were neatly folded by the chair and there was no other evidence that anything had indeed happened. No clothes abandoned on the floor, no man lying next to you. 

You walked down the stairs almost second guessing yourself, thinking over the night's events while you prepared a cup of coffee that you so desperately craved. Taking a big sip your eyes landed on the small table by the door, only usually adorned by a small plate for your keys and some letters that you hadn’t gotten around to opening yet, now decorated by a beautiful bouquet. You never had flowers around, the item useless and expensive, not something that you could afford with your paycheque, but just with their presence they lit the room up, their delicate perfume filling your lungs. You smiled and walked up to them, lifting the small card up to read it. A simple phrase full of adoration and love, with a few words in Italian, made you blush at the love you felt, but the final sentence made your heart drop. 

If today is kind with my soul, I shall meet you in your dreams tonight, mio amore.

His handwriting was smooth and elegant with each word, but the last sentence was slightly messy, revealing his feelings maybe more than he was used to. His fear. He didn’t think he’d make it back.

So today was the day. 

You scurried over to the phone, picking it up and calling the Shelbys, hoping that someone, anyone, would answer, but no one did. There was no point in leaving the house, you wouldn’t know where to find them and you had no way of knowing where Luca was either. There were many places where this showdown could happen, and even if you found it, what were you going to do? You couldn’t just waltz in hoping not to get shot. Still, the mix of emotions in your chest made you dizzy. Why didn’t he say anything? You dreaded the images that flashed before your eyes, first that of Tommy’s lifeless body, still clutching his gun, then that of Luca, tumbling as a bullet hit him square in the chest.  Tears fell as you pictured those scenarios, but knew that that was all they were. They weren’t real. But even knowing that, you couldn’t stop pacing around the room, counting the minutes and going over the events of the past few weeks.  You didn’t know how to feel about this whole ordeal. You never forgot how Tommy and his family welcomed you when you had been left with nothing, giving you a job, food, inviting you over for drinks and celebrations, but as much as you dreamed of it, you’d never be part of them. You fit in, but not fully. You weren’t part of their circle, but you were part of their “clean” life. Tommy made sure to to leave you out of the dirty deeds, even if you gathered what happened behind closed doors, and by doing so he shut you out of the only part of their life that would make you fully fit in with them. Then Luca arrived, and the calls, on the phone that Thomas brought just for you, since you couldn’t afford one in any other way, started becoming less frequent, with less news. No more talking about the business, no more working by their side, no more gossiping with Ada or Polly on Saturday evenings. You still got your salary, somehow left by your door with nothing else attached to it, not even a note, but that didn’t change the stark difference in your routine. You barely felt like family, or whatever you had ended up being, anymore. You felt even more left out now. So when Luca came around and actually listened to you, and talked to you, and shared his interests while asking about yours, you felt appreciated, loved. You had found somewhere where you fitted.  And now here you stood, weary of whose death you’d have to cry at the end of the day.

It took hours for the phone to ring with news, which made you jump into alertness, rushing over to answer. “Where is he?” You stayed quiet for a moment, fully expecting to hear Polly’s or Ada’s voice, not Tommy’s. He was alive, and clearly Polly had told him about your meeting with the Italian. “Where is-” “Where is he?” he raised his voice in unison to the loud sound you heard not far from him, probably his fist banging against the table.  So they still were both alive. You let a breath out that you were unaware you had been holding, gripping your clothes tightly, adrenaline running in your veins from the news.  He didn’t usually raise his voice, so his anger was evident, yet you weren’t sure if it was directed at you or at Luca. He clearly had gotten away, and the thought of that was enough to lift that weight off your chest. “I don’t know, Thomas.”  “You knew last night, though, didn’t you? When he was in your bed? Bet it felt good, eh, fucking the enemy?” You didn’t answer, your face blushing in shame and anger. He had no right to spy into your personal life. You knew that in his books you were on the wrong side of the war they were fighting, but his words were harsh, cutting through you without any of the warmth they once held. “Don’t defend a fucking wop. Tell me.” “I don’t know where he is. But this has to end, Thomas, this war you’re-” “Why don’t you tell that to your friend?” He pronounced the last word with sarcasm and hatred, but what hurt him was the betrayal he felt when you made it clear that you cared about him.  “I already did. I told him I support neither of your ways. Just stop, someone’s gonna get hurt.“ “And it would be a shame if you got caught in the crossfire.” he spat out, the silence ringing in your ears as if his threat were a slap. “Goodnight, Thomas.” You replied, slamming the phone down, not even sure if he was still there to hear you but not willing to argue anymore. You didn’t stop walking around the halls, hoping that someone else would tell you more about what actually went down, still in the dark, but no one did. 

That night you laid in bed, thinking over everything that had happened, or at least what you knew. The fairytale routine you had fallen in with Luca, the fancy restaurants, chivalrous words and tender kisses were taken away from you so soon after they started, leaving you desperate for what you had started growing so used to. Had it not been for the vendetta, he’d probably be here next to you right now, drawing circles on your shoulders with his fingertips, kissing you softly. But he wasn’t here, and all you knew was that he must’ve been alive somehow, since Tommy had no idea as to where he could’ve been.  Standing up you took a few steps towards the small balcony, desperate for some fresh air. There was barely enough space to stand on it so you leaned on the window frame, spotting someone moving away just as you glanced down towards the back street. Had you been in a less emotional state you’d have never chased after them, but right now all you wanted were answers.  You turned the corner, losing your balance as you slammed into someone, but their hands held you up, pulling you against them.  “You shouldn’t have come out here, principessa. You never know who might linger in the dark.” With your mouth agape you stood still for a moment, realising who was standing in front of you and finally wrapping your arms around him, colliding with his chest once more. He let out a low chuckle, melting into your embrace and holding you, feeling your heartbeat calm him down, a natural remedy that only you could provide. Your tears fell freely, wetting his coat while you shivered against him. “Well, lucky me then.” you joked, breathing in his scent, the notes of sandalwood surrounding you. “What happened?”  “Nothing. The police got in the way.” he shrugged lightly, his hands still around your waist, pulling you against him. “Thomas was looking for you. He called me.” he nodded, looking around the street for any signs of someone spying on them, but no one was around at this time, but he didn’t care either way. “I’m leaving for Camden Town. I won’t be back for a few days, so you won’t see me for a bit.” “And what are you going to do in Camden Town?” You asked, although you already knew the answer. He wouldn’t stop, and there was only one man in London that had a strong connection to Tommy, and not always a good one. You had never met Alfie Solomons, but you knew enough about him to know where this was going. “Not important. I came to get a goodbye kiss.” his eyes crinkled as he smiled, lifting your chin with his fingers and finding his mouth, kissing you with an initial softness, growing into a hunger that he couldn’t afford right now. He groaned, breaking the kiss, resting his forehead to yours. “What are you planning, Luca?”  “Goodnight, dear.”  “It’s not gonna end well.” “Goodnight, dear.” He repeated, kissing your forehead and lingering for a moment more, before urging you to walk back home, waiting until you were out of sight to slip away, walking towards the car that would take him to London. 

You spent days waiting for something, but there was nothing. No calls, no letters, no news.  You picked a few books off your bookshelf, books you had never had the time to read, and scanned the pages, not managing to focus on more than a few pages. It was that dark feeling in your chest that you couldn’t ignore, and the lack of news only made it worse, feeding your mind with the most horrible scenarios.  It felt like a blessing, if only for a short moment, when a call arrived shortly after dinner. You were resting your head on the sofa, singing along to some old songs while you stared at your hands, the concept of time slowly slipping away, when you received the news, making you sit up in disbelief. Polly had been brief, delivering the news and nothing more, leaving you clutching your telephone and staring into thin air for what felt like hours. She hadn’t said anything more, leaving you with the feelings that surrounded you. Sadness, rage, hopelessness… everything was bubbling in your chest, a feeling of guilt coating everything, making you feel like you were somehow at fault here, like you hadn’t prevented this.  You paced around for most of the night, only pausing your wondering when the realisation hit you again, big tears slipping past your eyes as you recalled the memories of the times shared, stopping your incessant actions at the faint knock at the door early in the morning. “I saw your light on.” he looked behind you, his lips twitching up for a short moment, only to fall back into a stoic look when he met your gaze, clearly seeing the tears that you tried to wipe away before opening the door, your eyes red with sadness and rage. “Tell me you didn’t.”  It was a whisper, one that made his heart break. It wasn’t just your expression, nor the redness under your eyes, but your moving away from the door, as if you feared him.  “Alfie Solomons-” he started, willing to offer an explanation for his deeds. “I don’t care about Alfie! I asked you to stop this after the vendetta happened!” you shouted, getting closer just to throw punches at his chest, yet no matter your anger you were nothing but gentle, barely making him flinch.  “He didn’t stop either.”  “Because he’s stubborn. He’s-” “I am too. He killed my men. Just ‘cause you were closer to Arthur doesn’t mean that the death of my men means nothing.” “I don’t want to be part of this anymore.” you announced, slipping from his grasp and moving away, putting as much distance between the two of you as you could. “You never were a part of this.”  “Maybe not, but with how things are going I’m going to end up as collateral damage.” “You know I’d never let anything happen to you. Even if you stood by him, I wouldn’t-” You turned and walked up the stairs, ignoring his words and grabbing your traveling bag from the wardrobe as he made his way up, scoffing but following you into the bedroom nonetherless.  You picked your clothes and folded them quickly, placing them in the bag and throwing a couple other belongings in.  “What are you doing?” He asked, sitting on your bed and stopping your movements by holding your hips, his touch delicate, in harsh contrast with his look. He always felt so… different around you. Delicate, careful, loving. Little things, like the way he remembered what wine you liked, or some of your little quirks, or the softness of his touches when he was near you. After the night where you both fell into your bed, he’d become more open with showing his affection, but before that he never really shied away from it either. His hand gently cradling the small of your back when guiding you into a restaurant, or the brush of his fingers against your cheek when a stray hair got away from behind your ear. “I’m ending it tomorrow.” He announced, avoiding your gaze. “What?” You turned to face him, not fully understanding his plan of attack. “I called a meeting with Thomas.”  “To apologise?” “To make a deal.” He corrected you. “But it might not work. So…” He took one of his rings off, holding your hand and placing it in your palm, closing it around it. “To remember me by. Or not. Maybe it’s better to forget me, after all.” He brought your hand to your lips, as if to seal a deal, smiling. “I won’t have to remember you. You’re not going.” Your hand on his arm was supposed to stop him, or slow him down at least, but he just smiled at you as you would with a child that doesn’t fully understand the state the world is in.  “I have to finish what I started.” “Luca, don’t.” you tried to give it back, but he shook his head, moving away from you and down the stairs. “Arthur didn’t deserve it.”  “He’s the one that pulled the trigger.”  You didn’t speak, not knowing what to add. You knew he was referring to the death of his father, but what Arthur had done was almost out of mercy. Tommy wouldn’t have stopped, so he intervened. There were many mistakes he had made in his life, but dying because of an act of mercy wasn’t what he deserved.  “Ti amo, bedda mia.” And with a final look he left, not waiting for an answer, exhaling when the door closed behind him. He saw the way you looked at him, the tears that escaped your eyes, feeling betrayed by his actions, but he did what he had to do.  “Luca, we’re not finished talking.” Your words had no effect on the man, just like you knew they wouldn’t, but you couldn’t stop yourself from speaking them. It wasn’t only grief that was holding you back now, but fear. For a moment you saw the man just as he had been painted since the beginning: a gangster, a killer, nothing more but a heartless man. You fell back against the wall, clinging on to the ring he had gifted you, the only thing that felt certain right now. You watched as he stepped out, closing the door behind him ever so gently, to avoid making noise, and wondered what hid behind those eyes. How much could you risk for him?

He could feel you looking at him as he made his way out, knowing just how disappointed you were, but he wouldn’t back down. He knew what was going to go down tomorrow, what he’d say, how he'd move, and he’d do anything to have you by his side. 

After all, all is fair in love and war. 

[ilikekidsshows]

@bookdragonlibrary

@ilikekidsshows i suggest you @buggachat AU which doesn't have this description of Adrien. So you might like it more if you didn't know it yet :)

Thanks for the rec, although I am quite familiar with this one. Bakery Enemies AU is, like, a God Tier example of a Reunion AU story. It’s my favorite. I’ll share your recommendation on the blog for everyone along with my personal (spoiler-free) review of the series.

@buggachat‘s Bakery Enemies AU has a never met version of Marinette and Adrien meeting years after Hawk Moth has been defeated when Marinette returns home from studying to find Adrien working at her parents’ bakery. They both lost their Miraculous powers before they could reveal their identities to each other as Ladybug and Cat Noir so secret identities are still intact, which is my favorite setup for Reunion AUs.

The story shows the cast as having grown up in a way that makes sense for the series’ characterization (the characters are basically just a bit more mature versions of their canon selves). It uses plenty of dramatic irony in place of classic identity hijinks, since the heroes are basically retired, but there is still tension there, with Marinette suspecting Adrien of being the Peacock Miraculous holder, who never appeared publically in this AU (hence the “enemies” in the title). The stakes are basically more personal than in canon.

It’s also delightfully filled with both humour and hurt/comfort. There are plenty of emotional ups and downs so that the series doesn’t dwell on a specific tone for too long. The tone is very true to the series itself, so with more focus on wacky hijinks. Of course, because of the setup there isn’t any superhero action this time around. It’s definitely for people who are fans of character-focused narratives.

The art is also really top notch. Buggachat’s managed to combine the characters’ signature looks with a personal style. You’ll know which characters are in the panels even when they dress differently from canon, but you can also tell that they’re drawn by Buggachat specifically. The characters are also incredibly expressive and there’s great variety even when the characters express the same emotion, which also lends the series some visual comedy.

The panels are mostly singular images, which is best for the tumblr format and allows for you to scroll through the series on your phone easily. The images are also typically monochromatic (not just line art, though) and focus on characters over surroundings, so there isn’t much background art so, if you feel like color, panel composition and backgrounds are a requirement for a comic to be interesting, that might be a challenge. But, if you think an easily digestible visual story with no details distracting you from the characters is to your tastes, this comic definitely balances things out with that.

tldr; Go read the comic, guys, it’s either good or phenomenal based on your personal tastes.

Side note: my brother’s nickname for the AU is “Tearsverse” because of how often the character cry. XD

[thevampireofbrighton]

"The Vampiric Woman and Her Lady," First Chapter

Greetings,

In the coming year, I will set upon writing a thesis on female representation in vampire literature. I have already completed a first draft of the chapter in which I discuss J.S. LeFanu's "Carmilla" and thought I should share it here. Apologies for any formatting errors, I am slowly relearning how to use Tumblr.

The Vampiric Woman and Her Lady

Carmilla and Laura in LeFanu’s “Carmilla”

Carmilla and Laura each represent opposing paradigms of femininity with Carmilla’s brand being active while Laura’s is passive; however, rather than punishing Carmilla for her transgressions against Victorian ideals of femininity and rewarding Laura for upholding them, the story punishes both women simply for existing as females. Carmilla’s agency poses as much of a threat to Victorian society as Laura’s innocence and passivity. 

Carmilla

J.S. LeFanu’s Carmilla uses the titular character Carmilla to express concerns regarding women and their position in society. Carmilla’s perversion of motherhood, her status as non-English, and the ways she wields her femininity and sexuality are a product of her agency. Her agency threatens Victorian society because it contradicts the societal ideal of passive femininity devoid of desire; however, despite her villainy, Carmilla’s agency makes her a compelling figure for modern female readers because of the control she has over her body and her life. 

The way Carmilla undermines motherhood plays on Victorian fears of bad mothers abusing their power while exploring a sexual relationship in which a woman holds the power to dominate her partner. When Laura first encounters Carmilla, Carmilla appears as a maternal figure shortly after the death of Laura’s real mother. LeFanu writes, “She caressed me with her hands, and lay down beside me on the bed, and drew me towards her, smiling; I felt immediately delightfully soothed, and fell asleep again” (LeFanu, 277). Carmilla’s position as a pseudo-mother to young Laura means that she possesses power over Laura. When Carmilla bites Laura’s “breast” in order to feed on her, she takes advantage of the power given to her and uses it selfishly (LeFanu, 277). This act of selfish abuse of power stokes Victorian fears of women taking the power given to them and using it for themselves as opposed to their families. Additionally, because Carmilla feeds from Laura’s breast, she reverses the image of the mother breastfeeding the child thereby turning a wholesome image into one that is perversely sexual. Motherhood is a place of ultimate power over another individual, and so sexualizing that power exemplifies the fear of female sexual power and authority. 

 In addition to bad motherhood, the initial scene between Laura and Carmilla explores themes of female sexual awakening which bolsters the Victorian sentiment that female sexuality is inherently perverted. When Laura—now nineteen—and Carmilla meet formally for the first time and discuss the “dream” they shared, Carmilla says, “I was aroused by a scream; you were sitting up screaming” (LeFanu, 288). Laura’s screams roused Carmilla from her slumber, but, as William Veeder points out in his article Carmilla: The Arts of Repression,  “the surface meaning of being awakened by Laura's cry carries also the suggestion that suffering, particularly female suffering, arouses Carmilla sexually” (201). For a woman to say “I am into Y sexually” is still fairly taboo, but it was all the more so in the Victorian era. 

Carmilla wields her feminine appearance with intent and takes advantage of the virtues others project onto her because of her appearance. Her awareness of how to use her femininity to advance her goals is hugely threatening to Victorian society which relies on women remaining powerless. At the beginning of the story, Laura is expecting a visit from General Spielsdorf and his daughter, Bertha; however, Laura’s father informs her that he’s received a letter from the General detailing Bertha’s death. We later learn that Carmilla was responsible and that the General knew this when he wrote the letter. He writes of Carmilla, “I thought I was receiving into my house innocence, gaiety, a charming companion for my lost Bertha” (LeFanu, 280).  The General cannot fathom a woman as anything deeper than her appearance, and Carmilla uses that to gain access to Bertha. Her ability to squeeze power, however malicious, from her feminine appearance was radically terrifying considering Victorian women were meant to be “pure” and ignorant of their own beauty. 

However, Carmilla’s ability to deceive others lies not only in her appearance but also in her performance of femininity. The General regales of meeting Carmilla and her mother at a masquerade ball. As if it were not enough that Carmilla is deceitful, she also makes her victims like her thus preying further on others’ treatment of women. The General goes on to say, “Millarca became very intimate with us… I liked her nature more and more every minute” (LeFanu, 325). Not only does Carmilla use the General’s conception of femininity against him, but she charms him into actually liking her. Her manipulation of the General demonstrates the invisible threat women pose. In a society that views women as fragile and incapable of evil, any woman can subvert that view and use it to her advantage. 

Carmilla’s unmarked appearance subverts the notion that evil can be plainly observed and thus avoided, which plays into the not-uniquely-Victorian fear of being endangered without knowing it. She is repeatedly described as various degrees of “beautiful” by Laura which subverts the fairy-tale notion of evil being present in the form of some physical mark or ugliness (LeFanu, 290). This suggests a failure of not only conventional knowledge but also of superstition to warn Carmilla’s victims of her true nature before it is too late. Even the General says Carmilla is “very pretty,” but in his next sentence refers to her as a “fiend” implying that her exterior beauty disguises her nature (LeFanu, 280). The form she takes while feeding on her victims is that of  “a sooty black animal that resemble[s] a monstrous cat” (LeFanu, 304). When he meets Carmilla at a masquerade ball, he says “She wore no mask” perhaps because the body she inhabits—that of a beautiful young woman—is itself a mask (LeFanu, 319). On the surface, the is nothing suspicious about Carmilla which is why she is such a threat: her femininity disguises her monstrosity.

Carmilla also weaponizes traditional aspects of Victorian femininity to disguise her physical strength, which emphasizes the threat of unknown evils. The feminine disguise Carmilla dons extends to the way she carries herself, which Laura describes as “languid” (LeFanu, 290). She plays up her adherence to Victorian feminine ideals that women should be “tubercular” and waifish. She disguises her strength by appearing to be exhausted by even the simplest of actions, which makes her vampiric strength all the more threatening—because it is thoroughly unexpected. Later, when the General attempts to apprehend Carmilla, she grabs ahold of his wrist. He does not expect Carmilla to be capable of physically besting him and when “The slender hand of [Carmilla] closed like a vice of steel on the General’s wrist…”, he is shocked (LeFanu, 339). The paradox that her hand is both “slender” and “like a vice of steel” exemplifies how much more threatening the unexpected and unknown are. It is one thing to know one should be afraid, but it is infinitely more dangerous to be in the presence of a monster and not even know it. Carmilla wields her sexuality with similar self-awareness. 

The autonomy with which Carmilla wields her sexuality threatens the heteronormative status-quo in which women are forbidden to be sexual and, because much of her power is derived from her sexuality, she exemplifies how much damage a sexually empowered woman can do to her society. Carmilla’s sexual power terrifies Victorian sensibilities which reject all notions of female sexuality. In his article Carmilla: The Arts of Repression, William Veeder writes, “Social theorists as well as novelists realized that orthodox attitudes toward sexual purity had caused a dangerous split between conscious and unconscious” (198). The Victorian model of sexuality taught women to consciously deny their sexual desires, but failed to eliminate them on the unconscious level thus creating the “dangerous split” Veeder refers to between the conscious and the unconscious. Because Carmilla is aware of her sexuality and pursues her desires actively, she resolves this tension created by the Victorians. Carmilla herself says “... love is always selfish; the more ardent, the more selfish” (LeFanu, 302). Carmilla is not ashamed of her “selfish” pleasure-seeking and, in fact, she asserts that love has always been in some ways a “selfish” act; the more pleasurable and passionate, the more selfish it is. The idea that a woman can be selfish in love and sex is taboo even today, but Carmilla has exemplified it since the Victorian era. One cannot be a selfish lover without first being sexually empowered and, despite her villainy, Carmilla’s selfishness is somewhat feminist. 

Perhaps the most plainly transgressive characteristic of Carmilla is her explicit and undeniable lesbianism, which she uses to ensnare her victims; however, the fact that Carmilla is so reliably able to capture the attention and affections of young girls indicates a cultural paranoia that within all women, a dormant lesbian lies in wait. Laura describes her first romantic encounter with Carmilla saying, “It was like the ardour of a lover… and with gloating eyes she drew me near to her, and her hot lips travelled along my cheek in kisses…” (LeFanu, 292). The words Laura uses to set the scene are erotic and reflect the confident intention behind Carmilla’s actions. Carmilla’s eyes do not just gaze passively, they “gloat” at the accomplishment of her goal. Likewise, Carmilla is the one doing drawing Laura in and kissing her. Additionally, Laura does not shy away from feminizing Carmilla during their sexual encounter as Laura repeats the words “she” and “her” thus admitting to committing an act of queerness. However, after her encounter with Carmilla, Laura remarks, “What if a boyish lover had found his way into the house, and sought to prosecute his suit in masquerade…” (293). Laura attempts to deny that she participated in a sexual encounter without a man’s involvement and that she enjoyed such an act. Laura, as a good English girl, cannot possibly be queer, because to be queer means that she cannot also be good. Herein lies the panic Carmilla’s lesbianism awakens. She draws queerness out of her victims. Just as Carmilla entraps her victims by making them aware of their queerness, the queer female reader is entrapped by her sexual enjoyment of the story.

The fact that a self-assured, sexually empowered woman who derived her identity from a source outside of motherhood was so terrifying that it warranted a monster to embody those fears lead to the creation of a character who would go on to define an entire genre of lesbian media is satisfyingly ironic. Carmilla embodies Victorian fears about what women are capable of when given agency of their reproduction, sexuality, and performance of their femininity. The things she does are monstrous because she is a woman doing them and not because she is a vampire. LeFanu uses Carmilla’s vampirism as a symbol of deviant femininity. 

Laura

Although the narrative depicts Carmilla’s agency as monstrous, it is not much kinder to Laura’s stagnance. Laura, as the point of view character, lacks knowledge of herself which Carmilla takes advantage of. Before Carmilla’s arrival, she is said to be bored and lonely. Throughout the story, her father and the General consistently fail to protect her and, being a woman, Laura is incapable of protecting herself. Where Carmilla represents the threats of active femininity, Laura represents the dangers inherent to passive femininity. 

Laura’s loneliness allows Carmilla to corrupt her, thus the narrative warns of the dangers inherent to feminine idleness. LeFanu introduces the reader to Laura by emphasizing how lonely she is by having her say, “I have said that this is a very lonely place… The nearest inhabited village is about seven of your English miles to the left” (LeFanu, 275). The emphasis placed on her physical isolation sets up a relationship between her loneliness and the events of the story. Upon learning of the delay facing the General and Bertha, Laura says, “I was more disappointed than a young lady living in a town, or a bustling neighbourhood can possibly imagine” (LeFanu, 279). Laura places herself in contrast with those who live around others which emphasizes how special an occasion receiving company is for her. Her physical isolation produces social isolation which makes Bertha’s delay, and eventual death, all the more dispiriting for Laura. So, when Laura sees Carmilla at the scene of the carriage crash, she immediately asks her father to invite Carmilla to stay with them saying, “Oh! Papa pray ask her to stay with us – it would be so delightful” (LeFanu, 283). Laura sees a friend in Carmilla, something which she so desperately wants. Laura’s loneliness grants Carmilla access to another victim. 

In addition to her loneliness, Laura lacks knowledge of herself,  creating a void for Carmilla to fill, thus her docile brand of Victorian femininity is what allows the monster in. Laura does not get a name until page 312 which creates a vacuum where Laura’s self-identity should be (Veeder, 199). Laura is empty, so when she encounters a being like Carmilla who wishes to fill Laura’s emptiness with herself, Laura stands no chance against Carmilla. Carmilla tells her, “You are mine, you shall be mine, and you and I are one forever” and Laura is left “trembling” (LeFanu, 192). She replies, “I do not know myself when you look so and talk so” (LeFanu, 192). Laura has no means by which to resist Carmilla’s invasion because she does not have a sense of self to brace against Carmilla. After Laura is bitten and becomes ill she says, “Dim thoughts of death began to open, and an idea that I was slowly sinking took gentle, and, somehow, not unwelcome possession of me” (LeFanu, 307). At this point, Carmilla’s vampirism has quite literally infected Laura and slowly consumes her. Laura’s admission that her sinking is “not unwelcome” indicates that she has surrendered herself to Carmilla. Additionally, her ideas take “possession” over her which echos her lack of agency as she does not even control her own thoughts, rather, they control her. Despite her performance of the compliant brand of Victorian femininity, which contrasts sharply with Carmilla, Laura still receives blame for the events of the narrative. 

Laura’s father constantly fails to inform her of her dangerous situation which emphasizes women’s infant-like dependency on men to protect them. Laura’s father keeps news of Bertha’s death from her saying, “I quite forgotten I had not told you,” which indicates that his failure to communicate arose from his sheer incompetence (LeFanu, 279). However, when Laura is sick and dying of a vampire bite, he outright refuses to answer her questions regarding her own diagnosis saying, “[there is] Nothing [wrong]; you must not plague me with questions… you are not to trouble your head about it” (LeFanu, 315). In this instance, his failure to communicate is rooted in his desire to keep Laura in a state of blissful ignorance. He does this knowing that when the General did the very same to Bertha, she died (LeFanu, 280). Additionally, his characterization of Laura’s questions as “plague[ing]” him is a condemnation of Laura’s attempt to understand her own body (LeFanu, 315). If her father had told her that the doctor believed Laura had been bitten by a vampire, he could have provided her with the information she needed to catch Carmilla out and put a stop to her schemes earlier. But, because of his gross incompetence, he fails to do so. His failure embodies the fear that without competent men around them at all times, women will be helpless against any and all threats because they are naturally incapable of fending for themselves.

Both Laura’s father and the General are emasculated by their failure to protect Laura which genders their incompetence as feminine and forces Laura to assume the role of protector. Laura describes her father as an “invalid” and explains that she does not want to tell him about her encounter with Carmilla because she “was afraid of alarming him,” which links his physical state to his incompetence in protecting his daughter (LeFanu, 305). Additionally, in having to take her father’s invalidism into account, Laura is put in the position of protector which reverses the Victorian standard of women as fragile and men having to accommodate them. The consequences of her failure as a protector emphasize her natural unsuitedness to the role because of her gender. The General also fails twice to protect his charge and slay Carmilla: once as she preys on Bertha and once as she preys on Laura (LeFanu, 332). Veeder writes of this failure, “The male agent is only an onlooker, cut off from his manly sword, circumscribed by the vaginal crevice, impotent before the phallically swelling vampire” (205). The General’s failure to perform his protective duties not only emasculates him but also emphasizes Carmilla’s ability to take on a masculine role despite being a woman. In this schema, the General, like Laura’s father, becomes an invalid and his incompetence is feminized. 

Despite performing her femininity to a Victorian standard, Laura receives blame for her circumstances. This highlights that, as fearful as Victorians were of female agency, they were just as afraid of female passivity. Laura’s femininity is dangerous because it makes her the weakest link in her social chain and forces others to bear the responsibility for her safety. 

Conclusion

While Carmilla and Laura have diametrically opposing versions of femininity, the narrative punishes both of them simultaneously for existing as women. Carmilla’s deviancy matters less than her female status and Laura’s innocence matters less than hers. Carmilla is a story about the threats womanhood poses to the woman herself and those around her. 

Works Cited

LeFanu, Joseph S. “Carmilla.” Best Ghost Stories of J.S. LeFanu, edited by E F Bleiler, Dover, New York, NY, 1964, pp. 274–339. 

Veeder, William. “Carmilla: The Arts of Repression.” Texas Studies in Literature and Language , vol. 22, no. 2, 1980, pp. 197–223. JSTOR, https://doi.org/0040-4691/80/020197-27$02.15. Accessed 28 Mar. 2022.