#crying because i’m going back to school in late august i think and i don’t have much time to chill here WAAAHHHHH

[lume-nosity]

boo! lume jumpscare coming to your feed because i finally found the time (and memory) to visit here. I MISSED YOU GUYS AAAAAGH i mean um hi or whatever,, what did i miss? how’s everyone? it’s been a hot minute.

[eddiemunson-reader-shame]

A Freak and a Basket Case: Chapter Two: Made in Heaven

From the Delulu Writer: You’re going to realize that I don’t write short fics. This was straight from Google Docs mobile. I don’t know how long this is, so fuck it we ball. I’m hoping the generous Eddie POV helps break this aversion to longer fics.

Warnings: Flight of Icarus spoilers, references to drug use, minor suicide mention.

[Masterlist] - Chapter One - Chapter Two (You are Here) - [Latest]

***

The ’85-’86 academic year had to be his year.

It had to be.

It was his last shot. The last hoorah. He had just barely made the cutoff age for the academic year, and it was a miracle in itself that Principal Higgins had a modicum of decency to give him a break and let him even try to attend school again. He would be cutting it too close for comfort, and during the summer Eddie Munson had promised his uncle that he would get his head out of his ass this time around. No more screw ups. No more bullshit scams.

That promise was made in summer, when he was still able to sleep in, hotbox the feelings of shame and guilt away in his van, and gorge on junk food during unholy hours of the early morning before passing out until noon.

Now that he was being jolted awake by both the shrill sound of the radio alarm, and his uncle was kicking his mattress to wake him up at four thirty in the morning before he’d even gotten a good chance at sleep, Eddie was ready to throw in the fucking towel. Bitter thoughts swarmed in his mind.

Fuck it. Kick me out of school. See if I give two shits.

He was at the point where he was forgetting what was important. Last year was a year of losses. Almost losing the Hellfire Club to bullshit blackmail orchestrated by a sadistic son of a bitch of a principal that he did not fully trust. Ronnie had at least reached out via letter after a time, and she sent a few clipped sentences written with an electric typewriter all the way from New York whenever she had enough money left over from dorm expenses to buy postage stamps. But Dougie had gone nuclear. Never quite forgiving his friend for what he had almost undone.

And then there was Paige…

Eddie had been thinking of that mess nonstop the first day back for some reason, running late stuck behind a green Dodge with wood paneling while also battling the commuters during the clusterfuck that constituted rush hour in Hawkins, Indiana. He didn’t know why he was in such a hurry when that morning he’d been ready to give up all over again. Emotions were running high and low, he felt like he was trapped on a broken-down roller coaster falling apart on a shoddy side of the road carnival. Wanting to jump off, throw up, scream, and cry all at once as the reality of everything set in.

Eddie Munson had fucked everything up. Once in a lifetime opportunities lost to the ages in the year of 1984.

’86 had to be his year. Otherwise, he had nothing else left.

He was on his way to his locker when a string bean of a freshman wearing khakis and a button down polo from the GAP slammed into him from behind. Eddie immediately turned around to catch him before he hit the ground, asking the dazed boy if he was okay, confirming it was so, then looking towards the source. He assumed it was a jock, it always was, but he saw no suspicious hunter green letterman jackets lurking in the throng of students looking to get to their classes.

And then there was the gaggle of girls laughing and pointing, but he couldn’t see the object of their teasing because once he came within five feet of their gaggle they saw Eddie the Freak and bolted. So far the first day back was shaping up to be one of those weird days, whispers abound of some bitch of a basket case wandering around dressed for a cold front in August.

For obvious reasons, Eddie was intrigued. A bitch of a basket case was new. Especially ones wearing winter coats in summer when the humidity drowned you before the heat got to you. He doubted there was any merit to the rumors truth be told, but he had to see it for himself. He searched high and low, ditching his first period class to see if he could catch a glimpse. And then like an answer to his prayers he heard a siren call:

Metallica on cassette. Kill ‘Em All Album. Side 1. Approximately thirty nine minutes and six seconds into the album. Track number nine. Seek and Destroy.

Blasting so goddamned loud that from his distance it sounded faint, but he knew that whoever was listening to it directly would be deaf before their twenty-first birthday.

He saw you beelining for the front door, and instantly Eddie was fascinated by you. Sure enough you were all bundled up in your quilted Carhartt jacket like a blue collar worker braving a blizzard, gray skirt swishing as you power walked down the hall. The music beckoned to him, and the Black Sabbath patch on your blue backpack encouraged him to follow. Despite the stormy look on your face and the fuck off aura radiating from you, Eddie couldn’t help but allow the admiration to take over. He wasn’t intimidated, he wasn’t repulsed by your demeanor or appearance. Quite the contrary, Eddie could see something in the way your body communicated to the world:

You were a lost, pathetic little lamb trying to butt heads with everyone and everything, unaware that the world was fanged and scary and could spit you out in a malformed bolus should it desire.

And yet you still kept trying to fight back.

It was as if his body was moving of his own accord. His heart knew before his brain could logically process what was happening. A compulsion, his inner wild child, sent signals to his feet to quicken his pace as he raced after you, adrenaline coursing through him as he heard nothing but the steady pace of your gait matching the pulse of Seek and Destroy. Eddie didn’t stop until he was so close he was breathing in your scent, and in a sudden burst of confidence, both hands flashed out and snatched you by the backpack straps, pulling you in until you were flush against him. He yanked off your headphones, getting in close until his lips were grazing the shell of your ear.

“You’ve got bitchin’ taste in music there, princess. Metallica, right?”

Your scream cut off the last bit, and he held onto you like he was holding a wild stallion steady as you jumped nearly ten feet in the air. You were still pressed with your backpack to his chest, your own little chest heaving with fear.

“FUCK ME FREDDY!” You hollered. “You scared the shit out of me!”

Eddie laughed hard as he spun you around to face him, hands steadying your shoulders as he looked you in the eye with a large smile on his face.

“Sorry, sorry… Relax. Didn’t mean to scare you there. But hey, at least that got your attention, right?”

You hit the pause button on your Walkman and killed the music, looking up with a stormy and defiant expression. Eddie realized something when you looked at him: you had been hiding behind fear. Your eyes, minimized by the thick coke bottle lenses within the frames of your glasses, began to soften when you looked at him. He could see the tightly wound tension leave your body as you relaxed. Your facade was slipping. Before him was an individual army crawling through hell to survive.

“You uh… you heard my music huh?” you said quietly.

Eddie grinned, nodding enthusiastically.

“Oh yeah. From all the way down the hall. You like Metallica?” he asked.

“Uh huh…”

Eddie grinned at the shy answer. God… You were adorable.

“Hell yeah, good taste. Metallica is one of my favorites too.”

He noticed you weren’t much for eye contact. As much as he tried to meet your gaze you wouldn’t look right at him. It seemed as if you were closing yourself off from everyone, a purposeful and calculated act. Understandable if he was being honest. Your eyes were red rimmed and your nose was still dripping a little bit. The morning must not have been kind. For a moment he saw your vulnerability, and it endeared him to you.

“I’m Eddie, by the way.” he said gently, holding out his hand.

“Eddie?” You cocked your head to the side, sweet little face looking up at him as if expecting a trick.

“Yup.” he popped the consonant at the end, and he tried to give you a sweet disarming smile to show his sincerity, “That’s me, Eddie Munson.”

Gently, slowly, he felt your warm hand envelop his. He shook it just enough; not too firm of a handshake that he scared you off, but not so weak that it seemed he didn’t want to touch you. Because if the way his heart was racing at the feel of your warm palm against his was any indication, he very much did want to touch you, and he wanted to make sure you knew it.

A few seconds ticked by, and you finally told him your name after letting go of his hand. He noticed at first that you seemed to try saying something else, but you quickly corrected yourself. Eddie repeated your name slowly. It suited you. Very lovely. Silence for a beat, and then you gulped and spoke up to end the silence.

“My favorite person in the whole wide world is an Eddie…” you mumbled softly.

“Yeah? Who’s this other Eddie?” He raised an eyebrow, dimples showing with the big cheeser he had on his face as he noticed you still weren’t letting go of his hand.

“Eddie V-… Eddie Van Halen…” you stammered.

Eddie’s heart nearly stopped.

“No way, are you shitting me right now?” he demanded.

You shook your head.

“No… I’ve seen him live… he’s… he’s really cool.”

Inhale through the nose, hold for five seconds, exhale through the mouth so he didn’t start having a heart attack.

“How the hell did you end up going to one of those concerts?” He managed

“… my dad. Last year... He took me for an early birthday present…”

So you’ve got good taste in music, and you have a dad that takes you to concerts like Van Halen as an early birthday present…

“They were pit side. I got one of the shirts at my house.”

God dammit… No. There’s no way. There’s no way in the hell that you’re real…

“Which concert was it?” He croaks tentatively.

“The 1984 Tour… I saw them and Autograph play… in Albuquerque.”

He had to stop you right there.

“Okay wait hold on, your dad seriously took you out of Indiana all the way into the middle of nowhere in New Mexico just to see Van Halen for your birthday?! Where in hell do you even live where that seems like a feasible option?! That’s a twelve hour drive at least!”

“I used to live in New Mexico.” You said softly. “I’m not from here…”

Yeah, yeah of course you weren’t from Hawkins. There was no way in shit someone as cool as you, someone who had been pit side to Van fucking Halen, could be from Indiana. It almost gave him flashbacks to shades of his ex, and he nearly wanted to pull away from the conversation. Yet you were so sweet, so different, and he knew if he let you just become a random anecdote in the annals of time, Eddie would have thrown up for weeks and then jumped into traffic if he saw you being poached by someone else.

He pressed on. Heart racing and trying to maintain so that he didn’t spook you.

“Could have fooled me, you don’t have the accent for it.” Eddie said, leaning up against one of the tan lockers.

You hesitated and bit your lower lip, nodding and rocking side to side on your feet as you began to pluck at the loose threads of your jacket.

“… people here don’t like to hear it. So I cover it up…” you said.

“Good idea. Because honestly, it’s not worth the trouble… You’re in Hicksville now. Hawkins isn’t the first narrow minded white bread town, and it’s not going to be the last. Especially if you don’t fit in with their good ol’ boys club mold. Hell, I don’t even fit in it. I’m the biggest target for these bigoted assholes with my reputation. I don’t doubt you’ll get the same amount of bullshit I do.”

“You…?” You blinked, confusion written on your face, “Why would anyone make fun of you?”

Harsh laughter erupted from his throat, and he was so consumed by the absurdity of your question that he didn’t notice you flinch back. As if he was being crucified, Eddie held out his arms dramatically wide, his battle vest opening up to show off his Led Zeppelin baseball tee with a couple of holes in the fabric where the rivets on his jeans had been rubbing against them.

“Take a good look at The Freak of Hawkins High sugarplum. I’m a long haired satan worshiping metalhead cult leader. I play shitty Pantera and Slayer covers in a dive bar every week. I deal drugs to the preppy kids that have more money than sense. I lure innocents in to play my little satanic Dungeons and Dragons games, and then I hotbox it in my van afterwards with them. I’m a Munson, furthest thing from a good little schoolboy. No, no, we Munsons drop out of high school and go to jail young, and probably die young too.”

He went on and on, the word vomit not stopping. If he was going to be honest with himself, he knew this potential thing you two had was dead on arrival from the moment you opened your mouth and started talking about Van Halen. You were way out of his league, even by metalhead standards. From what he gathered, you had deep pockets, or at least your dad did if he was able to take you to shit like Van Halen concerts, something Eddie could only dream of. Everything about this was scary. It was scary and horrifying and the only thing he could think of doing was self sabotaging before he got too attached to you.

And then you frowned, still looking at the floor, until you spoke up, looking him directly in his eyes.

“That doesn’t make no sense… Sounds like a bunch of horseshit to me.” You said simply.

He watched it all happen so suddenly and he couldn’t look away. His large brown eyes widening and his heart turning cartwheels in his chest when he saw the little twinkles of light, the little pinpricks of stars beginning to glimmer in your eyes as you held direct eye contact with him. It wasn’t just that you were cute, because Jesus H. Christ you were the cutest thing he’d ever seen in his life. There were other things he’d never seen on anyone he’d dated: honest to god romance novel pining on your face, your soft lips parting slightly as if you wanted to speak but had lost the words. Your body moved in closer to him, and his own reciprocated purely on instinct, inviting you into his space.

Magnetism.

“None of it makes any sense does it?” He said, voice so low you had to lean further in to hear him, “But this is Hawkins. Judgemental jackanapes abound and people like you and me are lambasted for the crime of being different. Double for you I’m guessing, since you’re the new Hispanic kid in town.”

You nodded, looking hopefully at him.

“Let me guess, you had an easier time fitting in when you were in New Mexico, right?” He asked.

There was a brief hesitation as you gathered your thoughts.

“… Kind of. Maybe not towards the end, but there’s a lot of guys into heavy metal and leather and stuff. A lot of my tios- my uncles- are rockers. My brother likes it too.”

“Older or younger brother?” He asked.

“Older…”

“He get you into metal?” He grinned.

“Yeah.” You said, nodding, “He started me on Black Sabbath and Ozzy, my favorites other than Van Halen. My dad was the one who showed me Van Halen… oh, and Dio…”

“Rad… your dad and your brother got you set up with the best of the best. You have some of the most badass taste in music in all of Hawkins right now.” Eddie praised, and he’d wished he had complimented you sooner, because now that he saw you smile and giggle at his compliments he couldn’t get enough, “… and that’s a hell of a smile you’ve got there sweetheart. And a pretty laugh to match.”

“Quit it…” you giggled.

“Hell no, you can’t just tell me to quit it the second I give you a compliment. Gotta take the compliments where you get them.”

There was that smile, that goddamned cute giggle. The reaction he wanted. You covered up your mouth as you began to uncontrollably laugh, as if you’d taken a fat hit of reefer and had the permanent giggles. He loved people like you, who acted high and giggly without any external help. But he didn’t like how you were trying to hide those teeth from him. He wanted to see it. Wanted to see your smile and bask in the good feeling it gave him.

“Ah ah, none of that!” He scolded, holding up a finger, “You quit hiding that pretty face from me. What? You don’t want me to see it?”

“Nuh uh!” You giggled.

A devilish grin came over Eddie’s face.

“You gonna make me get forceful, sweetheart?”

“Noooooo…!” You whined, laughing harder as you shook your head quickly.

“Cut it out then. Put that damn hand down, lemme see that pretty face.”

Eddie began to wrestle your hand away from your face as you squealed in delight, shrinking in on yourself as he let out a mad giggle. He was enjoying this, enjoying the feeling of touching you and not having his face slapped or being punched in the stomach. You welcomed his touch, almost craved it, flying into a fit of hysterical laughter when he played dirty and grabbed your sides, tickling your soft plump abdomen so that you were forced to move your hands away from your face to shield your belly.

At the end of it, Eddie was breathless with laughter, holding your sides and swaying with you. Coming down from your fun, he saw your smile for the first time. No pearly whites. He could see the flaws and imperfect teeth as you smiled ear to ear.

Real recognizes real…

You are very much real. Very much so. You’re warm and soft and real underneath his fingertips.

“Princess,” he breaths.

You cock your head, swaying side to side and your grin never leaves your face.

“There we go.” He says softly, stroking your sides, “There’s that beautiful smile. See? Much better when you’re not hiding it behind your hands.”

Your eyes sparkled, starry eyes…

He’d only ever seen hungry eyes before. Only ever been desired like one desired a succulent steak or a rich slice of cake. Last year felt like he was giving up so many vital aspects of himself that he almost felt like an imposter when he kept trying to have a better year, a shot at a better life. Everyone had taken from him last year, gnawing at the bones of his corpse until there was nothing left.

Paige looked at me like she wanted to eat me…

But you…

You look at Eddie Munson as if you are awestruck by him, and as shocking as the feeling is, it makes him feel beautiful for a split second. He feels important. He feels valued, like he’s been the epitome of good alignment his whole life and the chaotic parts don’t matter. You look at him like you’re seeing a mythical hero. As if your village was burning to the ground all around you and he’d just come in the nick of time, clad in mithril armor, immune to the flames and devastation and ready to swoop you up to your feet.

But that defiance when you first faced him, the fire in you, it’s a strength, it’s a power he is drawn to. Realistically he knows if he were to swoop in it wouldn’t be to save you, it would be to help you pick up your own sword and fight alongside him.

He wanted that. He wanted someone to fight life’s battles alongside him.

He wanted that someone to be you.

[polonium-snap]

Bkdk plot bunnies pt 6

- Katsuki’s death (don’t worry he comes back) destroys Izuku, he is not the same after that and though he was able to become a hero he could never keep a stable romantic relationship

- He is now 26 and is a pro hero, top 3, behind Todoroki and Yaoyorozu

- Without Katsuki, Deku has become a workaholic, moreover his trips to the hospital are more and more frequent

-He works at Shoto’s agency, where after a rough hospital visit he reports to go back to work

-“No.” Todoroki says frowning, almost frustrated

-“W-what? No? What do you mean no?!” Izuku asks though he know where this may go

- “I’ve had enough from this, do you know how many times you’ve ended up in the hospital this year alone? 30, 30 times!”

- Deku frowns “If you’re worried about the cos-“

- “Don’t even fucking finish that sentence!” Todoroki snaps back, seeing him angry is a rare sight.

- They argue and Todoroki tells Deku that he is in a mandatory leave because he is quite literally killing himself, and tells him he can take the time to teach at UA instead

- Deku is very angry, frustrated, and depressed so he goes to a bar, something not out of character for him after Katsuki’s death

- Suddenly a teenager wearing UA’s uniform enters the bar “why are you here instead of becoming #1?” Their face is hidden by spiky blonde hair

- That rough voice makes Deku shake, the boy’s hair is not the right shade of blonde, a more dirty blonde than ash blonde, but Izuku’s whole soul shakes

- Before he can say anything the other person rushes out the place

- Deku asks who they were and the owner explains it was her son

- “Kai is a senior at UA! He is sort of a big fan of yours.” She explains

- Deku feels bad about disappointing a fan but he can’t stop thinking about the interaction

- He starts his first day back at UA and enters class 3A with a sigh, as memories almost overcome him

- As soon as he enters familiar red eyes are staring at him with surprise

- Izuku almost dropped his things out of surprise too, in front of him is a boy so so similar to Katsuki, though he has darker hair like the teen at the bar

- Shaking, Izuku tries to introduce himself and carry on with his duties as the new teacher at UA

- But this Katsuki lookalike is driving him insane, it’s not just his appearance that resembles him, it’s his way of speaking, attitude, knowledge, even the way he plays the drums is just like Katsuki’s

- Then there’s an attack at the school, in the dorms and as a teacher Deku goes and helps keeping the students safe but in the scuffle Kai’s shirt ends up torn, exposing his chest and birthmarks just where Katsuki’s scars were

- The ones on his shoulder and hip that he got while saving Izuku, the one that killed him, on the chest, and even the one on the inside of his elbow Katsuki got when climbing a tree when he was 7

- “Where you ever going to tell me?” Is what Izuku asks after making Kai stay after class, his voice is barely above a whisper

- Kai doesn’t react, but his eyes shake, as if he wants to look away but is trying hard to have no reaction “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He states, but Izuku knows him

- “DONT LIE TO ME!” Deku cries slapping his hands against his desk as he stands up to look at Katsuki with blazing eyes

- There’s a long silence before Katsuki talks

- “My quirk is called ‘Soul Resonance’, ironically I was a late bloomer, ” Katsuki’s eyes tremble even more. “I know the day I got it, August third, 20XX.”

- Izuku faltered, that was the day Katsuki died

- “Apparently I fell into a coma and when I woke up not only did I forget everything about myself from before it, but I had another body’s memory

- “So you’re…” Izuku was already crying

- Katsuki nods “I’m Bakugou Katsuki.”

- Deku sobs before becoming angry “then why did you leave me?!” He cried “all this time you were here, why didn’t you tell me?!”

- Katsuki grit his teeth. “I couldn’t!”

- “WHY?! Why?! Do you know how m-“

- “When I woke up I was 7 years old again, a child! What could I have done?!”

- “I would have helped you, I could have been there for you.” Izuku’s voice cracks

- “If I had met you then, you would have only seen me as a fucking kid for the rest our our lives!” Katsuki says back

- “What about your parents?! Your friends?!” Deku screeches “what about ME?! I had to live without you for ten years, did you even care-“

- “I COULDN’T STAND NEXT TO YOU BEING WEAK AGAIN!” Katsuki responds fiercely “OF COURSE I fucking cared! Don’t you dare say I didn’t.”

- Their relationship gets even more complicated from then on, they are both mad at each other but also there’s longing between them

- At some point they make up and confess, but then the problem of them being technically teacher and student arises

- “This is why I fucking wanted to wait until I graduated to tell you.” Katsuki explains. “A scandal like this could screw up our careers”

- Katsuki ends up telling his friends, and Aizawa, who is now vice principal about the whole ordeal, everyone cries

- Bkdk wait until after Katsuki’s graduation to actually get together and live happily ever after

Pt 1| pt 2 | pt 2.5| pt 3| pt 4| pt 5| pt 7

[pluto1020]

everything.

its so weird how i blink and a year has already passed. it's also weird how much my life has changed in the past month. summer came back around and my heart gained the warmth and courage to search for new love. it was so weird how it happened. i don’t even remember it to be real. nah, i do. just don’t feel like explaining. i’ll cherry pick the memories and things i enjoyed most.

i wanna say it was some time in late july or early august when i first heard him speak. i’m not good with timelines. the way he texted didn’t match his voice which didn’t match his face. it was lovely. i bought him a game because i was interested in him. it was a horror game. we played it for some hours. it was awkward at first and there would be quiet moments where my heart would beat a little faster from the fear of not knowing what to say. i remember how bittersweet it was. the conversation somehow transitioned into something deeper and we were eventually talking about school. he was headed to college in a little over a month. i wanted him bad. more than a boys don’t cry magazine. more than the little me wanted a spongebob popsicle on a hot summer day. how many miles i’d run to catch the ice cream truck or capture his heart. i somehow convinced him to stay. it was definitely on his mind all along. from the get-go, it was easy to tell how uncertain he was about moving away from home so early. we talked for nine hours or so until i felt like sleeping. most of that morning was spent outside. i watched the sunrise and took some pretty pictures. i listened as birdsongs filled the air. my ears rang with amusement. “he is the one,” i thought. “he is the one.”

a little time passed. in our first conversation i had asked if he would have been alright with meeting one another. he was a tad bit hesitant at first, which was warranted, but eventually mustered up the courage. he sent me some weird address in lower michigan. i thrive off of unfamiliarity and was excited to see him in front of me. i had my dad drive me because i didn’t have a car. when i arrived, i remember how the world around me almost silenced itself, sacrificing all of its sound to my existence—my heartbeat. it pounded. not with nervousness, no—my brain was confused. it was excitement. i’ve made that mistake since i was little. he opened the door to the one-story home and i saw him. i wish i would have gotten a photo. not even of him—but of the moment in its entirety. i wonder what my face looked like to him. i wonder what he was thinking. did he know as fast as me?

anyway. i remember watching him play risk of rain and his smile. i took photos of it. it was cute. i had no idea what risk of rain was but it sparked my interest. he liked childish gambino and lizzy mcalpine. classic gay boy. we spent that day and the same night in the hot tub and pool. we told each other about tender things that i’d rather not get into for the sake of privacy i somehow blow up one day. but i remember the shiver in his voice when he opened up to me despite being in a hot tub that was hotter than the damp summer air that filled the night sky. stars are crazy things. it’s wild how people used to think those were gods staring back at us. what if they’re right?

the first time i met his parents was on your average monday. they came home from work. actually, nah, my brain is remembering something else. we’ll get into the average monday later. i honestly don’t have much memory of the first time i met his mom. maybe i was too interested in the slight red tint of his long blonde hair or his kid soccer photos that hung on the left side of his fridge instead. the first time i met his dad was the day i took him to a lizzy mcalpine show in detroit. of course i remembered. it was a little overwhelming—i met two of his friends in the same few minutes. one friend, who was driving, was shaped similar to me. he was tall, had medium-length curly brown hair, and a deep voice. he was rather talkative and filled the room with a positive energy. reminds me of someone from my favorite video game. his other friend was shorter. quieter too. he had red hair and almost looked like ian from shameless. he was rad. too bad he was a swiftie though. still love them all to death. anyway, as i sat down in the car, a fairly modern SUV of sorts, his dad walks up the driveway behind us. he was shorter than me. he wore a suit and tie because he worked for a crematory. “what a tough and powerful job to have,” i thought. someone has to do it. i mean you’d think that there’s plumbers out there that have seen some rather unimaginable shit. literally. our interaction with one another was very brief. we waved each other hello and introduced one another. i awkwardly told him i liked his outfit as we climbed into the SUV and we sped away. as we went to the concert, i had that little awkward small talk interaction with his two friends. i’m pretty sure he had known them for most of his life, and meeting them was a big step in our connection. it still makes me nervous. anyway, we arrived and stood in a line for what felt like forever. i’m just being dramatic. it took about two hours or so to get into the venue and i got more familiar with his friends. there were a few more people that i met as well, a girlfriend of the talkative guy and another girl. telling stories without names is difficult. we talked about this big ass spider that we noticed the whole time and cracked a few jokes on each other’s heights. the show was pretty awesome. i had to take a piss but i have trouble doing so in public. pre-show, the bathrooms were flooded with both men and women. and everything in between. idk. it made me nervous so i held it out. we were standing on the floor for about 15 minutes before i couldn’t hold it any longer. while i was in the bathroom, my dumbass was thinking “this show is gonna start while i’m pissing,” and it did. funny thing is, i only memorized the lyrics of one song on her set list and it was the only song i missed. oh well. after the show, i dozed off in the car. the way back from a trip always feels faster than the way there. at least for me. why is that? the way we dozed off was cute. i’m pretty sure we were holding hands at one point. i remember closing my eyes and feeling his warmth as the streetlights passed over us. it was sweet. that night he let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the floor. it was a beautiful gesture. how easily he was willing to give up something he has known his entire life for someone he barely knew. i missed him when i woke up.

i’m pretty sure i stayed for two nights during that visit. we just chilled and watched ghibli movies the second day. dinner was when i got to properly introduce myself to his parents. i don’t remember what we ate. i wanna say we had spaghetti with sugar snap peas. pretty sure there was bread too. it was delicious. i wasn’t really focused on the food though. nah. i was focused on the moment i was in. we were in his kitchen. the chairs and table were wooden. so was the floor. oak i’m pretty sure. they had a love for blue. the walls were painted a nice turquoise. his fridge was pretty cool. cooler than mine. and not the temperature cool. it had filtered water. one time he tried to use the water filter in my fridge and i laughed at him for it. anyway, the tablecloth went down the middle of the table and consisted of sharp reds, some whites, greens, blues, and oranges. it was kinda cool. they were just lines though. i remember the crunch of my teeth everytime i’d get a bite of a sugar snap pea. our conversation was nice. we talked about the basics—how him and i met (which we lied about,) where i was from, and my interests. pretty sure we talked some about them too. that evening we watched the most gorgeous sunset. i took tons of photos of him. his beautiful blonde hair swayed as the wind kissed his cheeks tinting them into a nice rosy pink. the moment, which lasted around 15 minutes, was rather silent. i think i would do anything to go back to it. to do nothing with someone again. with him again. to just exist and allow myself to love. to photograph it all. he leaned over the top floor of his multi-leveled balcony and we just observed. listened as the birds chirped and flew over the corn field that boarded against his yard. it was beautiful. and it felt so perfect because while i was able to capture the moment, i was still immersed in it. i allowed myself to put the phone down and just watched as he lived. with a heart. with a brain. with pretty hands and small fingers. with a nice smile. i can’t describe whatever was happening to me then, but i’m a little afraid that i’ll be chasing it forever.

i will definitely tell this story out of order. like i said, i suck with timelines. this is just a collection of my thoughts. i’m not trying to be too poetic or anything. this serves as a reminder, something to come back to when my brain feels it needs to. people don’t write enough. we’re all so interested in what is happening around us that we can’t live. shit sucks. i’m glad i learned how to early on.

the first time he came to toledo, it was exciting. how nice it was to show someone my room for the first time. posters of my favorite artists adorn the walls and mementos rest upon my shelves while little lamps sit on every object you can find. plants are in little cute spots, too. i always have something to talk about whenever someone sees it for the first time. he was excited as well. it was around a twenty-five minute drive. that day, we fucked really good and hard. like every other time. it was insane. best sex i’ve ever had. after, we watched some invincible and decided to get chick fil a, which wasn’t something he had in his area. it was a treat he got only when he went on vacations. we shared a meal with one another on my couch and went to sleep in the same bed. it was perfect. having him was perfect. his little head rested on my shoulder and we fell asleep soundly. i'm almost unable to describe how nice it is to not have to worry. when he was there, everything--from the daily annoyances that worried me to the past traumas that haunted me--disappeared. he meant everything to me. he was that nice sip of a ice-cold lemonade you take in the dead of summer or the warm weighted blanked you let rest on your skin as you fall asleep in the winter.

there was a time when we were watching ponyo, a ghibli movie, and he fell asleep on me. he laid his entire body on my chest. i cry writing this. i remember being able to hear his heartbeat reach an equilibrium and his little breaths exhale from his body while his weight pressed upon me. i remember scratching his back until he laid still and beginning to fall in and out of consciousness myself. i remember how much i wanted to tell him. i wish i could have. i wish i could have made him feel safer and warmer and more comfortable like he did for me. i wish that he would just come back and tell me i am everything that he needs and to forgive me. i can't sleep at night anymore. not like i did then.

there was a night when i wanted hot chocolate for whatever reason. he tossed the packets of powder on the counter and looked in the fridge for milk to no avail. it was around 11:30 at night, so we decided to look around his city for a gas station that may have been open. it was funny, he ended up driving me around 10 miles just for some milk. a cop followed us half way there and we giggled when he pulled into the gas station after us, as if he was on a similar journey. it was a truck stop called loves. ironic. we walked in, found the milk but got distracted by some candy on the way (this was mainly my doing.) they had discounted prices for multiple king-sized bars and i couldn't let that slide. he had a peanut allergy and i noticed as we walked to the front counter that i had picked a size of reece's that was too large for the discount. he went back to get me a smaller size but picked up a different reese's product. i just laughed because it was the sweetest thing someone had ever done. i imagined myself being in his shoes and looking at the candy and not knowing which to pick up. it was beautiful. we got back to the house and he made me hot chocolate. i remember while the milk was in the microwave, he stood and watched his phone. i never felt like i was on my phone around him unless i was taking his photo to capture such wonderful moments. i'm ashamed that i didn't capture his beauty then, but i was too captivated. i just watched as his chest rose and sank again, while he scrolled through twitter, and prayed that we would stay together forever. i wonder if he would make me a mug of hot chocolate if i asked him now. i wonder if we'll ever love again.

one time we went to the movies. we saw the newest alien film and i was fascinated with how modernized the entire theatre was compared to my hometowns. the seats reclined and were a ton more comfortable than the ones i had known since i was a nascent. i remember so vividly missing half of the movie because i watched as the projector's light reflected against the liquid that sat at the bottom of his eyes. they were just glimmering. i liked watching him blink. there were a few times where he got scared and i had to keep my laugh in. he doesn't know til this day, but, i had a panic attack around half way through. i didn't want to ruin the moment for him. the movie finished and i remember him refilling his slushy and mixing the cherry and blue raspberry flavors after. it was cute. i shed a few tears on the drive home. i couldn't help feeling that he was the most wonderful human i had ever come by, and i am eternally grateful for that.

he had these really gay red soccer shorts that he would commonly wear. he had a white pair, too. they looked great on him. everything did. i was never one to judge but i remember my mom telling me how gay he looked in them. it was silly. i tried them on once. i still don't know if he understands how much those things meant to me. there were days where he smiled in those shorts. there were others that he might have cried. and he let me try them on. for whatever reason. maybe that i don't understand either, but i think it's because he loved me.

he had a dog named archie. first name drop, woo-hoo! i have a weird connection with all animals and they are always very quick to give me love. it's like they have a sixth sense for a damaged soul. but archie always liked me. there would be points where all of us would gather to eat at the table and he would sit at everyone's side waiting for a bite of food to drop. it was cute. archie had a specific chair in the front left room of the home. i'm pretty sure the chair was brown, but archie always liked to bark at passerby's, birds, vehicles, and other dogs. so pretty much everything. it was absolutely adorable. my boy would sometimes get annoyed and yell his name whenever arhice would get too loud, which was also bittersweet. there were a few times where my boy and i decided to take a step outside onto his balcony and archie would always follow along. one time i was petting archie and i somehow found every single spot he enjoyed being pet in. it happened in seconds. i'm pretty good at that. it was funny, his family didn't even know about some of the spots beforehand. every time i entered the door, there was a brief minute-long intermission where archie would get all riled up because someone unfamiliar had come home, but he would always eventually remember me. i wonder if he'd remember me now. i wonder if i'll ever be there again. i wonder if i'll ever see his fur grow to it's full length. i wonder if i'll ever see the big plant that hangs over their couch or the even bigger plant outside that can't stand up straight on windy days. i wonder if he'll ever see what he meant to me.

oh, did i mention his name was parker? i remember my friend lyndsay telling me that she didn't like his name, but i loved it. i loved it because it was pretty and i loved him. he was pretty. i loved saying it. i loved saying it to my mom, my dad, to myself, and to him. i still do. i still repeat his name in my head and all of the memories come flooding in like the last moments of life when the DMT spreads throughout your body and you remember the things that you loved. i love parker.

there were a few gifts that i got him throughout our time together. he loved my neighbor totoro, another ghibli movie that i showed him, and for the marking of our first month together i got him a cat bus plushy. he loved it. alongside that i got him a hot pink "DM does GB" hat because he liked the office. so did i. i don't know if he knows, but i bought two so we could match. we were never able to. after the lizzy show, he showed me a shirt from the tour that he really wanted. when we entered the line, we noticed that the shirt wasn't on display and probably wasn't being sold. he told me that he checked the site often to see if it was restocked. one day i had randomly happened to check and it was available. i don't think me checking was random and i bought it for him. i almost said nothing and delivered it to his house, but i couldn't contain myself and told him within the hour of buying it. i'm pretty sure he adored it. god, i love him. there was a bracelet i let him keep, too. he took it off my wrist once and put it on his. it never left. i wonder where it is now. there was another gift that i gave him, but i'll talk about it later, because it feels too important to put here.

parker had an app on his phone that allowed him to change the colors of his light bulbs to whatever he wanted. one night, he changed the color of the lightbulb that sat in the lamp that rested on his nightstand to red. there was something soothing about it. perhaps it was just the way i felt. as i write this, though, that red light still lingers with me. my keyboard is lit red now. there's a little light i have on top of my computer that adorns a part of my room in red light. i didn't have it set that way before. that same night, i was having trouble sleeping and kept dozing off and coming back. i don't quite remember, but i think there were multiple times where he would climb up in bed with me to put me back to rest. he would scratch my head and tell me he loved me. but one thing he said stood out. i didn't remember it initially, but i do now. i remember how it felt. he told me that he was going to stay with me forever. forever. what a weird concept. i remember imagining us at 50 with cats and kids and a nice home on a quiet farm. i imagined the first time we would move all of the furniture in our new apartment and how good the sleep would be after. i imagined the rain pounding on the porch while we sat and lived together in harmony. if i could go back, i would roll over, look in his eyes, cry, give him a warm hug, and wish to him that he would never leave. i really wish he didn't.

his room was hot. his brother, peyton, had moved out some time before and he was planning to move his belongings into the room which he previously resided in. there were a few times where we explored the things in peyton's room. parker knew how much i loved pokemon cards, because i did, and he handed me a binder filled with cards his brother collected when they were kids. i remember walking into his brother's room. to the left were two wooden shelving systems, each distinct from each other, with mementos and toys of sorts scattered across their surfaces. toward the middle of the room, right under the skylights that lit it, was a big bean bag chair that i sat on while i explored. peyton's old bed was on the right side of the room. i would have loved to sleep there with parker at least once. i wish i could have lived the life where i decorated that room with him.

i remember the first time parker came into my room. there was a blanket that my mom made me. i think it's perfect, because it's always just right. it's never too hot or too cold, because from the way it's crocheted, it has holes that allow cold air to soothe your body. he loved that blanket just as much as me. every time he came over he would be wrapped in it. it's like he knew how much it meant. i still know how the blankets on his bed feel. when i imagine it, i can see myself there all over again, looking up in the morning because i would wake up before parker's alarm that reminded him that his dad went to work and he could climb in bed with me for a while. around that time, archie would come storming into his room and jump on the bed looking for parker, but it was me and he would get confused until he eventually found and laid with parker again. parker had a bunk bed. he never slept on the top bunk, but i'm pretty sure it's because he had clothes and other items on the mattress. on the bottom of the top bunks bedframe, there were stickers that parker placed there when he was a kid. i always made a trailed pattern with my finger because there was a distinct shape that the randomly placed stickers made. i don't know why i remember stuff like this, but it was beautiful. i was sleeping in the place he had for his entire life. and yet i laid awake, just waiting for the moment when i'd hear his voice and feel his arms coat my body. it was in that same bed that i said the words "i love you" to him for the first time. i cried a few minutes earlier because of reasons i won't get into, but essentially for something i was wrong for. he forgave me and i told him i loved him. because i did. it was wonderful. it's like my life became more colorful and i could see clearly again. like i was a kid, just for a moment, staring at what i had become and being so proud for letting my guard down. it was the first time i'd ever done so completely.

he had a friend group dubbed "the eight." i wanted to be the ninth. it caught me off guard the first time i met his friends. he had brought it up earlier in the day but i think i was initially hoping that plans would go awry. not because i didn't want to meet them, but because i was so nervous. these were the people that influenced him and who have known him for so much longer than me. what would they think? how would i know what to say? but i did fine. i eventually warmed up to the idea and we headed to claire's house. claire was with gavin and carter was with cate. dylan was quiet and caleb hadn't known parker was gay. i'm sure he did, but wasn't told until a small time after that night. noah was another friend there, one whom parker was extremely close with, and who was also very sweet. claire's house was gorgeous. though for some reason, michigan has obnoxiously large spiders. considerably larger than ohio's. i'm sure it's because of it's closeness to many bodies of water and whatnot, but we encountered multiple massive spiders that night. meeting his friends turned out to be really nice. a lot of the time that's how things work for me; i overwork my brain by being afraid of things and they turn out harmless. maybe i shouldn't be scared of spiders. i saw parker in every single one of his friends and every single one of them in parker. they were all so in sync. i felt at home. like i could crack a joke and they would all understand and laugh. i felt truly heard, valued, and accepted for the first time ever. it was nice. no, it was much more than nice. it was everything. in that late evening, we played a game of hide-and-go-seek tag. like kids. it was awesome. if you had asked my friends to play anything remotely similar, you'd get ridiculed. but we were kids, so we played for about an hour, and were all eventually found. claire and cate were the seekers and the rest of us boys split into teams. i remember the bittersweet silent moments i'd have with dylan when we'd disconnect with parker. i remember trying not to laugh at points and hesitating to do so, leaving it under my breath. dylan and i eventually got tagged because we were trapped in a loop by claire and cate. i was just following if i'm being honest. parker was disconnected from us by that point but was found later. the few times him and i laughed about it together, he wished we would have followed him. i do too. maybe if i followed him that night, i could have told him everything i never got to say, and things would have turned out different. that's how it works, right? we ended the night with deeper discussions about one another and smore's. parker made mine. it was delicious. he loved me. i loved him. his friends loved me. i loved them. it had felt like we spent a beautiful life together and we were celebrating our experiences, but it was only an introduction. it was august thirteenth that evening. parker and i observed gavin attempt his first back flip until we decided to head home around midnight. i knew i was going to ask him that day. we had only been talking beforehand, but thirteen was always unlucky for me. and historically, i suppose. the thirteenth year of my life had been my worst. parker knew that. on the way home, at exactly 12:00, we passed over a railroad track as frank ocean's 'white ferrari' surrounded us. it was my favorite song ever. parker knew that. he was my favorite person ever. parker knew that. right then, i told something tender that i had never told anyone before and then asked, "would you be my boyfriend, parker scott beard." and he replied, "yes." and he was my boyfriend. and we were in love. and the evening was perfect. and that moment was even better.

how close i was to the rest of my life. how i could stare at him and be observing my future. how i cried like a baby the second i got home the following day because i loved him more than i had ever loved anyone before. more than i loved my mom. how i wept because i knew where the moles were on his back. because i loved every second i spent with him. because our love was unconditional and i still feel the same. because i loved him in between each second when our eyes would blink and he would disappear from my perception, since in those moments, i would still see him. because i loved the perfect pigmented pattern his irises would spiral out in from his pupils, and because i loved the little spot in his lower back that would make his nerves activate and his muscles reflex with the slightest pressure. because i loved the way he loved. because i loved when we laid together and listened to the risk of rain 2 soundtrack, 'the rain formerly known as purple' in specific. because i loved the way he spoke to me and loved his actions even more. because i loved how he made me hot chocolate that night and did my dishes after. because i loved how he wore those red shorts. because i loved when he would get annoyed with me. because i loved when he would belly laugh as we wrestled. because i loved how he would stare endlessly into the screen as ghibli movies played, so captivatingly entertained. because i loved watching him watch. because i loved the hat he wore with the logo from his work whenever he'd take a shift. because i loved how he looked at me during the lizzy concert. because i loved when he'd climb up in bed with me. because i loved how he made everything feel okay. because i loved that time we stared at one another in his parent's shower as cigarettes after sex played on the speaker, eventually drowned under shower water. because i loved the picture i took before the text he sent after. because i loved how i made him feel. because i loved the dumb fireworks some random family set up at the administration building across my house after an evening of swimming. because i loved lethal company nights with him and kiera. because i loved our little goodnight conversations after. because i loved our phasmophobia nights, even when he would die and make me try to survive. because i loved the chick fil a meals we shared. because i loved the dinners with his parents and how i saw him in parts of them. because i loved the taste of his slushy i took a sip of after the movie we saw. because i loved that sunset we watched with one another as the wind swayed against us so perfectly. because i loved the playlist i remade for him on apple music since he didn't like spotify. because i loved how i was never much of a cryer until i met him. because i loved how the universe was telling me that he was the one. because i loved that he was the one. because i loved the first time i saw him and still see myself standing in sara and paul's driveway. because i loved the tender things he told me in the hot tub that night. because i loved when he grabbed my hand on the way home while i had anxiety from an allergic reaction, telling me that everything would be okay. because i loved the peace between us then. because i loved that he was my peace. because i loved when i gave him the first thing i ever painted that same morning, knowing that he was a pure representation of every good part of me, wrapped into a single beautiful being. because i knew he was my other half. because i loved and remembered every single word and every single moment. and how i cry now, because i loved him and might have taken it all for granted.

parker, someday i'm going to die. all of my cells will be released into the earth, dispersed across the universe, form into something new, and eventually become part of the stars again. we are just dust. yet all of those cells, the same ones which created me, will always remember you. hopefully we can grow and sit down for lunch on a random sunday and forgive one another and put everything behind us. hopefully we can learn to love each other again. hopefully it's soon. i will always love you. in a month, in a year... forever. so will my dust that eventually forms a star. you are my white ferrari. thank you. for the ride. for everything.

everything.

max

[highlytrainedlizard]

I’m not quite sure why I’m posting this but I feel like if it reaches even one person I’ll feel like I can breathe. Anyway here’s a bunch of shitty poetry

And she lays in bed her legs warm her face cold.  The sounds of a forest fire and rain powder the tents surface every drop a  nuclear weapon every crackle a strike of lightning. Curled blonde hair fills her eyes the pools of pink overflowing down her face as tears. Baggy pants broken arms dumb fucking sports. She thinks of you now and then. If then is also now. 

Brittle carcasses of bushes spread along the expanse under the mountains. A fog in the air orange and dusky. A glance assumes rain but the weight in your lungs says fire. Don’t forget to put out your cigar. 

I keep thinking about everything gone and the despair that fills me is so deep and great. I don’t want to think about it but like clock work every few minutes I turn my white screen In the dark to face my wrist and see the scars that wrap tightly around me. My tears won’t come and my savior in a doctors robe in the peace of a quiet room didn’t arrive maybe the delay will kill me but only from the inside. I  keep waiting for Monday to start and like clockwork again I think of Monday and my screen turns light reflecting across my skin. I can’t even type because my legs touch and the heat under a thick comforter in late August and the wind of a stupidly old fan is not enough for me to sleep. So I lay in bed at 3:35 am and I can’t remember if am is the morning or night and I think I might be a bit slow if I can’t even remember that. I can’t look at my phone I can’t look at my photos and I can’t look at my notes and I want to lay here small so small and cry until I’m chalk on a board and not able to think of the coming day. I want to wilt like a flower to grow around a tree and not fly and not soar but to be taken from the earth and set to the sky a gentle voice proclaiming. This is my home now. And my music and my memories and my ideas. Taken from me.  Let me cry. Let me cry let me cry. I can’t cry so just lay here too warm too cold hurting all by myself. I need to go back to school.  ( I lost my phones photo backup and was being depressed abt it )

Rain fell down her legs dripping from the hem of a bright yellow rain coat. Boots splashing into every muddy puddle passed. The air thick with water and the ground soft and damp made the world seem so real. A sky with no clouds and the absence of trees was nothing short of her imagination. Days where smoke lay heavy in the distance and the sun burned a deep red. She only had days of overcast skies and muddy puddles. Polka dot rain boots reminded her to stay in the moment. To not drift away. To not wash away in the sudden torments of wind and rain in the midst of her walk. Although childlike she could never again hold the innocence of those who hadn’t seen the world. 

The true Depth of the sea is a mystery to humans but not to the earth. It knows. It knows the beings it lays with it knows the rocks it formed. It knows me. The only thing in this world that knows me. Knows who I am who made me who I want who I need who I love who I think I love who I hate every feeling a name and every name evokes a feeling. I’m afraid of downing. The water filling my bones the people around me slowly Letting me sink to the bottom the words I hear muddled by the roar of the earth filling my body. Water scares me in the way too much is blue and not enough is clear. People scare me in the way of smartphones and recordings something the earth doesn’t know. Something not natural someone to change the way we think and move as if we don’t all feel it in our veins our bones our minds the water the earth the water. It heavy and unusual yet letting yourself fade into the color leaves your mind with no place to go. Just you. Stuck. You. Water. Earth. Only you know how deep the bottom of the ocean really is. How far it goes. How much it can take. Don’t forget what’s been taken from you. Don’t relive what was done to others. Forget the color of the water. Don’t let the earth drown you. 

And finally this was written when I was making some sketchy life choices a few years ago —

17 going on 18 is too old. For 14 going on 15. And I knew that even then but for some reason I still lived in a silly dream of what “could happen”. Now I still see myself. 15going on 16. 18 going on 19. It’s poison. The idea that love lays in it. Stories of hurt and betrayal mark the year and it’s hard to see It all. 16 going on 17. Almost to where we started. 19 going on 20. But isn’t it  Far away. Jobs rent cars bills. Homework boys class track. Class act. Act like I’m not in love. It’s not love. Yes it is. No it’s not is indifference I’m not indifferent I’m in love.  You are infatuated with an idea of a boy. A man who knows not of you but dreams of your body the way a snake dreams of a mouse. Nothing helps, nothing quells this storm inside not a flower, not a lovely boy who amazing and kind and beautiful nothing stops you from loving,  not loving, but loving this man who isn’t real to the world. Who lost himself and his friends. He doesn’t even have you because you can’t look at the words you type in the moment. Stop. Stop her.  14 going on 15 stop her from 19 going on 20 

and this was written a few months after the one above I wanted to make a comment on how messaging had messed up dating for me —

Connection isn’t how it really should be. 

We talk 

a little. 

Here and there. 

You smile I smile.

My friends call you names and 

I laugh and 

shush them and 

then one day I’m gone. 

Ignored.  The next I’m sent nudes. Ignored the days to come. Obsessed over the weekend. 

I can’t escape it so hot and 

cold 

you aren’t a person 

I feel like 

I need to write a poem about be cause it’s not about you. 

It’s about him.

 Every stupid thing comes back to him.  

I hate it so much and 

I hate him but even now 

I think of a late volleyball game flirting with him in front of the world. 

A lazy Thursday in second period him flirting with me in class. 

I think of him from when it was simple. Because then. 

It was the same again. 

The connection gone. 

Hot and cold. 

Ignored one day. Nudes the next. Blocked for a week then nonstop texting. 

I can’t. 

I couldn’t even look you. Look him in the eyes. 

I don’t even know who I’m writing this poem for anymore. 

I want to think it’s for him but 

I need to stop thinking a bout him.

I’m sick of you it’s not for you. It can’t be for me. 

Everything is for me. Nothing about anyone is for me. 

I’m sick of “I” statements.  I’m tried I’m hungry I’m lonely I’m sick of it all of it and of him and you. Sick sick sick sick. Fuck you i loved-

if you read this all I’m so sorry and thank you !!

[mollificen]

Ok very tmi period discussion

My period has been going on for 3 weeks now. My last one was around 2 months long.

The cramps were worse than usual today. I found work really really hard because of it. I found school difficult the other day because of it. I walked out of my study lesson, and sat in the nurses office with a heat pad for a bit because of how much pain I was in.

My period symptoms are not good. When I was 15, I used to get this weird nausea thing the two weeks leading up to my period. I’d wake up, and feel super grotty, and I felt like I was going to throw up. (I mainly coughed up flem, and once or twice bile?) I started self medicating with glucose tablets, so I’d take one in the evening when I went to bed, and one in the morning, first thing, the minute I woke up, to help with the nausea. My cramps were insane, I’d get nausea randomly so I’d struggle to eat in school. My breasts hurt like hell, and I’d have insane mood swings.

So at 15 they put me onto rigevidon. I took that for about a year. Some of the symptoms were still there. I mean the nausea was gone so?? My mum was worried because I’d basically break down crying a lot. My periods weren’t regular anyways so my pills got changed to Gedarel 120 (I think that’s the name?) for a couple months. But those didn’t do anything, I remember the mood swings feeling worse and crying a lot more?

So in February I got nexplanon. And it all went away. I didn’t even get my period. Until the 2nd of august, when I got my period again. After a month and 1/2 of straight bleeding I went to the doctors and the nurse asked about my symptoms. She gave me a pack of rigevidon, and told me to take it consecutively (no breaks like the regular) for 3 months, and that after that, if the bleeding didn’t stop we’d look at other options. It was that or an IUD, something that’s stressful to think about most of the time, let alone whilst you’re in your final year of high school, and you’re terrified that you might be broken in some way because of all this mess.

The period stopped sometime after I started taking them, I think a couple days after? Like late September early October time. So like the nurse said I kept taking the pack.

I thought finally, I would be done with this all. Then mid November, the first week of my first ever job, I got my period again. Now I should clarify: I’m not expecting nexplanon or any birth control to get rid of my periods full stop, so I didn’t think much of it at first.

But once again, it just kept going, after about 10 days I knew it was another bad one. It’s now been around 3 weeks of this. I’m planning on contacting my doctor again tomorrow.

The last time I saw the nurse, she said to look up PMDD since a lot of the symptoms lined up. And they do, like insanely well.

I’m unbelievably scared. I can’t go off birth-control because the original symptoms wrecked my fucking life to the point I was missing school regularly (something very difficult to do as the daughter of a teacher). But what if, despite being on this, they come back. What if my fertility is effected by this.

I don’t want to get rid of my periods. I just want to be able to manage them. I’m going through hell for literal MONTHS when I get them. My entire emotional state turns into shambles. I can’t keep doing this but I don’t know what another doctors visit is going to do at this point.

I’m 17 years old and I have another what? 30-40 years of this shit??

I can’t keep fucking doing it

[augustinesletters]

an open letter to the boy who taught me love

hi, i don’t even know why i’m writing this it’s 12:44 am and i have to go to school later and i have so much in my head, so much of you. i keep crying every hour i get cause i’m still so confused, hurt and heartbroken. i don’t know where to put all this hurt. i love you. i wish i told you that in person the last time we met if only i knew it would be our last. i wish i told you how much you meant to me, i wish i just spilled my guts that day because maybe then you would’ve changed your mind. maybe you felt that what i gave wasn’t enough and i’m sorry if i never made you feel like you were the only one trying but god, i was trying. if i could rewind all the days i would. i would go back in october 2021 and read your letter 10 more times if i had to and told you how stupid yet how much your words worked and i was so happy that i told all my friends, i’m finally with the right person. i would go back to november 2021 and didn’t get drunk so then i would’ve spent more time with you when you went to my house on my birthday, i would’ve drowned in your presence more than i was clouded by my own pride. i would go back to december 2021 and just stayed out later with you and not even care if my mom would get mad at me because spending time with you was worth the screaming fest anyway and it was better than what i had to go home to anyway. i would go back to january 2022 and asked to spend more time with you and told you how lucky i felt that this was finally the year i was starting with someone new, someone safe, someone i love and that i finally felt stability. i would most definitely go back to february 2022 and just kissed you then and there, idk if i told you but i took deep breaths when i hugged you because i always felt like my chest was tight when i wasn’t around you and when i was with you i can finally breathe, i would’ve told you just how much i appreciated you and how much i love everything you do for me, i would’ve hugged you tighter and exhaled more of your scent until it filled my lungs so i could’ve brought the comfort you gave home with me. i would go back to march 2022 and remembered our first month and expressed just how much i appreciated you, you were out then and you still managed to greet me and i wasn’t even and i didn’t even try and i’m sorry, and i also would’ve saw you more. i would go back to april 2022 and just gave up and watched f1 with you cause i would’ve liked it anyway, i would’ve introduced you to my dad a little bit sooner, i would’ve told you that the second i get home from seeing you i already missed you. i would go back to may 2022 and i would’ve just been a little more patient with you when you were late for the movies, i would’ve hugged you more, i would’ve told you just how much i craved for the comfort of your touch but god forbid i let myself need someone else. i would go back to june 2022 and again, remembered our month thingy, told you just how much i feel empty when you’re not around me and just how much i think of you just as much as you thought of me especially when you were in vietnam i cried because i missed you so much. i would go back to july 2022 the most, i would’ve seen you more even though i claim 4 times a month is already too much, i would’ve seen you 30 more times, you could’ve gone to my house and surprised me and i wouldn’t care even though i said i don’t like it when you do that, i would thank you 10 more times for bothering to go to my house when i cried about not getting into the university i wanted to, i appreciated you so much for that you don’t even know, you’re my best friend and that’s what best friends do and you made me feel so much better and you made life and the failures feel so much easier and i wish i just stayed there. i wish i could go back to august 2022 and just did everything right, i loved our first kiss even when it wasn’t the most ideal and weirdest one i loved it because it was us, in a way. i love you and i could’ve said all the things you wanted to hear, did everything you wanted, made you feel like i was worth fighting for, maybe september 2022 would’ve been different then. i wish i can restart september 2022 and told you i love you so much the last time we saw each other, if i only knew that would be the last, i would’ve hugged you a little tighter, held your hands more and didn’t jokingly let go, talked a bit more, told you how much i love you, how much i appreciated you, how much i wanted and needed you in my life, that you were my comfort, my safe space, my home. i would’ve inhaled all your scent away and took it home with me if i only knew that was the last time i would’ve drowned in every piece of you that day. and my heart hurts because your touch still lingers and it hurts me so much because i could’ve done more and i didn’t. i wish when you said you needed space, i wish that i said no cause i really wanted to say no. you could’ve fought but you didn’t and the bottom line is i’m sorry. i’m sorry i couldn’t love the way you did, but i tried the best way i knew how. you’re my best friend and i lost my best friend. i don’t know what to do. i need you in my life.

[spiltscribbles]

Miss you and your marvelous writing!!!! Just a prompt if you’re up to it 😊 exes wolfstar staying friends but sirius gets into a new relationship and he brings his new boo to somewhere he took remus and remus gets sad 😭 but they get back together eventually

Notes: OMFG BABEY! this is so SO beyond precious of you! i adore you to bits! thank you for the sweetness and for this scrumptious angst🥺🥺 i really hope you like it😭😘😘💜

.-

SEND ME A PROMPT  |  A Reblog means SO SO much! I ADORE YOU💜💜

.-

“He can just be so… So” James pauses right then, takes off his cap with the hand that’s still clutching his baseball bat, and ruffles his hair with the other.

“Un-opinionated,” Remus offers half heartedly as they turn the block to the small coffee shop nearest school, both of them freshly showered after the required morning workouts for Tuesday and Thursdays. It’s the first semester in which Remus has actually joined in on the seven minute track, considering the fact that even despite their crazy contradictory schedules with all the sports and extra curriculars they each had, Sirius always made it a point to buy their ice coffees and drop it off to Remus, sometimes leaving them a quarter of an hour late for first period, or as just a quick drop and dash if one of them had an exam. 

It was sweet, considerate. It was Sirius showing how much he cared because he’s never been one for words, even if he would frequently print off the little texts Remus would send him about how Sirius made him feel, and hang it up on the wall besides his bed, along with photos of them and Remus by himself and a few of their other friends too.

But yeah… None of that is really a thing anymore, not the coffees or the texts or the promises of being one another’s always. Not after calling it quits in early January because they knew by August they’d be working with thousands of miles between them and a three hour difference on top of that. It just wouldn’t have been feasible in the long run, and sure— Remus was the one to broach the topic and he knows that Sirius was hesitant about the logical side of it, but sometimes Remus wishes Sirius had fought harder, had argued louder, had wanted Remus more. But that’s a ridiculous expectation, and he had only admitted as much to Lily. And at the end of the day, it was the right choice, because it’s only early May now, and Remus can’t imagine how sick he’ll feel once catching his flight to Berkeley, and they’re steadfastly back in the best friends category of things. He can’t fathom how it would’ve been if they spent all these months and the ones after being together in all those intimate ways, knowing that they’ll be so far apart soon enough.

It was the right decision for the both of them and their friendship.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go with that,” James says, bringing Remus out of his gloomy contemplations while opening the glass door to Three Broomsticks, sporting a thin smile that he always has on when he’s trying to be kind even when he’s irritated as all get out. 

Remus snorts at him, elbow checking his side as he walks past. “Well he’s sharing that dorm with you and Sirius in New Haven, so I guess you’ve got that to look forwards to.”

James’s face pulls into a grimace and their typical barista nods their way, already receiving their orders through the app and sparing them having to wait in the queue. “Maybe Pete’ll grow his own personality in university, yeah?”

“Sure Prongsie,” Remus says, noncommittal as he checks his phone and lies against the windowpane, already exhausted by the morning. “And if he doesn’t, I’m sure Sirius is about to blow his lid any day now.”

“It’s going to be funny as fuck, and you won’t even be there to see the debris,” James counters, sounding pleasant enough even though Remus knows that he’s nearly as pissed off as Sirius is about the decision for him to go back to his home state for undergrad. 

“You’ll send pictures though.”

“Of course Moony my old friend,” James jokes, tossing him a wink as they straighten once spotting their coffees being rung up. But as Remus takes a step forwards, he notices that a familiarly tan pair of hands are reaching for them, and when Remus looks up he feels like an idiot for not noticing him sooner. Because there Sirius is, dashing as ever in their school’s maroon blazer and tan pants, and his hair is windblown and shining as it falls midway of the nape of his neck. But Remus doesn’t really have the chance to appreciate just how damn good looking his ex-boyfriend is, rather, he’s more distracted by how Sirius doesn’t even notice him or James as he pivots around and hands over the second cup to a beaming Gideon Prewett. Their heads incline while they exchange a few words that are absolutely impossible to pick up in the crowded cafe before they bump their shoulders together and walk out the opposite door.

And it feels like nothing else watching that exchange— like their was a hammer and pick chipping away at his stupid, weeping heart.

“I think they’re just doing a project together,” James says lowly in Remus’s ear, clapping him on the back in reassurance, and Remus loves him, but he’s not in the mood for false platitudes, feels like there is a ugly, burning fire festering deep in his stomach and making Remus want to hurl all over the wooden floors.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he replies instead, mild as he discretely picks up his phone again and opens up to the last conversation he had this morning.

R: need intel 

L: Say more sexy things to me, lover 

R: sirius and Gideon

R: what’s going on there

L: I’ll take a look, dw

Buoyed by Lily’s scary levels of detective skills, Remus returns his phone to his satchel and signals James to follow him to pick up their actual drinks. “C’mon, Flitwick hates it when we’re late.”

.-

“Do you want the good news first, or the bad.” Lily asks Remus later that morning during their shared free period, dropping her bag on the tabletop that they typically commandeer towards the back of Hogwarts’s library, nearest the windows and tucked away by the shelves.

“Is there actually any good news? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better.” Remus asks, single brow cocked as he shuts his history book and tosses it to the side.

“Well your hair looks especially nice today,” she offers with a small smile, sitting besides him and ruffling his curls.

“Thanks, I suppose. But I’d rather just get to it. And don’t sigh at me like that! All long suffering and all.”

Rolling her eyes, Lily gathers her hair into a high pony before turning to Remus fully. “You’re my best friend, I love you more than just about anyone. You know that, right?” Lily asks him, stiff stance relaxing when he nods in turn. “Then understand that I’m saying this from a place of love, but you don’t get to be mad at him, okay. You’re the one who called it off Re, you’re the one who wanted you guys to go back to being friends to avoid that messiness in August. And you know I respect the decision, but also it wasn’t the only one to be had. I mean look at James and I—“

“You’re going to Columbia Lils,” Remus bristles, hates how defensive he’s getting all of a sudden. “That train ride is like two hours and some change at the very most. It’s not the same.”

“You guys could’ve made it work,” she insists, green eyes blazing in the dim light. “He’s crazy about you, and you’re in love with him— Like ass backwards in love. You can’t just cut that off like it’s nothing, damn it, Remus.”

He can feel his own ears reddening and Remus hates it, hates how today had started off so innocuous and now it’s an absolute shit show. Remus hates that Lily is always correct about everything, and hates how Sirius probably is regretting telling Remus he still fully intends to ask him out to prom, and hates how much he loves him— how whenever he looks at Sirius it’s just a deluge of wanting and adoring and regretting and needing to feel his lips against Sirius’s own again like a drug, how he’ll never forget how he tasted like coffee beans and cigarette smoke and the strawberries he ate every morning besides his breakfast. Remus hates it all and he can’t figure out how not to feel like suddenly everything is slipping out of his hands like sand drifting through his fingers.

“He’s probably not that crazy over me anymore considering he’s getting Gideon Prewett coffees now, so maybe it’s the right decision after all.” Is what Remus decides to tell Lily instead of that whirlwind of clashing feelings.

“Oh Christ,” Lily huffs, dropping her head back like she’s asking for strength from the heavens above. “Look, Dorcas tells me that they’ve only been out twice. And Marlene says that it’s nothing intense. Just a movie and then he went to go watch his nephew’s little league game.”

“Oh,” Remus intones, because, no. No he will not start crying like this is some fucking Nicholas Sparks novel, and he’s the wayward lead making all the worst decisions. He’s not going to cry damn it!

He is not a bird, and this is suppose to be happening, and none of this has any real consequence at the end of the day. He and Sirius broke up, and Sirius can go out with whoever he pleases— even if it’s good looking, ginger athletes.

Remus is fine.

“Remus,” Lily gently consoles, lacing her fingers into his own that’s resting on his lap, and squeezing for good measure. “Benjy told Mary, who told me during Calc that Gideon doesn’t expect anything. Sirius told him he’s not looking for anything long term.”

“That’s dumb,” Remus retorts, trying to hold everything in so that Lily doesn’t give him that concerned, doe eyed face of hers, like when he’s spent a week living off of protein bars and double shot espressos preparing for finals. “Gideon’s great, and there on the soccer team together, they would be perfect.”

“Remus, stop.”

“And he’s going to Dartmouth, so he’ll be super close for like weekend excursions and all of that.”

“Remus!”

“The more I think about it, Lils, the more it makes sense. They just fit.”

“Sure, those are all nice attributes,” Lily says, peering up at him disappointedly. “But he’s not you.”

Like a legion of angels singing in the distance, the bell begins to shrill for next period and Remus is spared from giving that statement any mind.

.-

He spends the rest of the week acting as if he hadn’t even seen Sirius that morning whenever around him, and internally analyzing each and every exchange between them, and comparing to them to when he sees Sirius chatting with Gideon. And it’s not fun to say the least. It’s like a flashback to when he was trying to hide his crush on Sirius back in Freshman and most of sophomore year, but somehow worse. It’s worse because Remus had him, had Sirius in all the ways someone could ever want an other. He had Sirius’s languid morning kisses, and Sirius’s bark like laughter. Remus had Sirius being nervous the first time Lyall came for his typical Christmas visit, and Sirius had to try and impress him along with Remus’s mom as more than just the friend he hung around with at school. Remus had Sirius’s gruff voice when they were in bed and getting tangled into one another, and Sirius’s dopey looks in the middle of class when he’d be gazing over at Remus instead of the board. And if Remus is being honest, he knows he still has all those things, but it’s suddenly and searingly clear that some time— sooner rather than later— they’ll all leave, abruptly disappearing and shattering Remus’s world in their wake. Because eventually all of those different facets of Sirius’s won’t be Remus’s anymore— they’ll be Gideon’s or some other boy he meets in New Haven. And Remus can’t even be upset at it, he doesn’t have a claim to any of Sirius anymore, doesn’t get to call any part of him his.

And it’s probably the worst Remus has felt since that first night after their break up, because he’s eating every moment he has with Sirius like he’s famished and Sirius is the last meal he’ll ever know. He wants to memorize every part of him before he can’t have any of it. He wants to unravel every layer of Sirius, and kiss it for the final time, and it’s like saying goodbye a thousand times over, strangling his heart and splintering something desperate deep inside of him.

Like now.

It’s edging on midnight, and they drove up to the lake front near their suburb, with Sirius lying with his head on Remus’s lap and his long, muscled body lying against the tattered blanket beneath them. And his eyes are fluttered shut while the speaker they brought croons out the indie playlist they like most from Spotify.

And Remus can’t help but feel like this is one of their last nights like this, alone and quiet and together without any other specter of some other partner. So he watches him, watches the moonlight pacing over his nose and the high bones of his cheeks and across Sirius’s eyelids too. Remus watches his ink  like lashes kissing his skin, and wants to touch the divot of his cupids bow like so many times before while his other hand cards through Sirius’s hair. 

And Remus lets himself want Sirius and wonders if he’ll ever stop wanting, craving, loving him.

“I can hear you thinking Moons,” Sirius says, fluttering his eyes open and crunching up before Remus can even respond. “What’s going on?”

“Huh? What do you mean? I’m fine.” Remus all but sputters, folding his knees against his chest and wrapping his arms around them, feeling somehow vulnerable in blistering ways. “Nothing is going on.”

“Pff,” Sirius gives him a pointed look, settles down so that they’re side by side and tries to get Remus to look at him head on. “You’ve been strange all week, Moony.” 

“That’s not—“

“And then tonight, you didn’t even tease your ma when she was telling us about that patient who puked all over her shoes.”

“Just tired is all.”

“But had enough energy to smoke half the joint I brought.” Sirius says with a snort, looking frustrated again when Remus didn’t even flinch a smile at the counter. “Remus, talk to me.”

“It’s fine Sirius,” Remus sighs, suddenly remembers how exhausting all their arguments were in the past. How Sirius tries getting him to speak everything in his mind, as if Remus could even put them into words. 

“Okay, then tell me why you rejected my offer to go to that Frank Ocean concert. You’re obsessed with him.”

“’S in July,” Remus reminds him lightly, focusses on the way they can see the North star glimmering against the horizon instead.

“And, so?” Sirius asks, sounding more than a bit scathing. “You’re not leaving for another month after that, you trying to cut me off completely by the summer or something?”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

“Don’t be condescending.”

“Sirius, just leave well enough alone. Holy shit.”

“I can leave it alone if you can actually tell me what the fuck is going on with you,” Sirius snaps, standing up now, probably because he always likes using his height advantage on most people whenever he gets all pissy.

“You can be such a prick sometimes, you know that?” Remus snarls at him, following suit and dipping his head back just slightly so that they’re eye to eye. “Not everything is on your schedule, you know that.”

“My schedule!” Sirius’s brows jump to his hairline, and he breaks into that manic laughter that springs up only when he’s so angry he can’t put his thoughts together. “I’m trying to do as much shit with you as possible before you leave, because for some stupid fucking reason I’m going to miss you when your across the fucking country! But yeah, whatever. If you’re actually just sick of me and my presence or what the fuck else, you can just—“

“I would’ve assumed you wanted to go with Gideon,” Remus blurts out, simply unable to hold it back any more, unable to pretend like he’s not suffering a thousand fresh paper cuts every time he even glances Sirius’s way these days. He can’t do this, can’t pretend to just be friends when they were— when they are— so much more than that. “To the concert I mean. I just assumed—“

“No,” Sirius says, seething as he storms up to Remus— close enough that the tips of their noses brush up against each other. 

“No? Excuse me?”

“No Remus you don’t get to do this!” Sirius repeats, voice going frayed at the edges as their glances level. “You don’t get to pretend as if I want anyone more than I want— than I’ve always wanted you. And you don’t get to float around for the rest of your life pretending as if this’ll ever change for me. As if you can’t hit me up in fifteen years when I’m married with kids, and ask to get back together, and think  that I wouldn’t drop it all for you.”

Remus’s heart begins to thud, loud and painful against his ribcage, and his lungs feel like they might collapse the instant Remus let’s the tears swimming in his eyes sprinkle out. “Sirius, I ca—“

“I’ve been in love with you since before we were suppose to mean what that meant, damn it, Remus! And you’re the one who called it off!”

“It was the right decision.” Remus croaks out, plunging his hands into his hoodie’s pockets, doesn’t want Sirius to see the way they’re shaking.

“”For you. The right decision for you.” Sirius presses, his gray eyes dark underneath the stars. “And you know I’d do anything you wanted of me, but you don’t get to be mad at the ways I cope. And you sure as fuck don’t get to be jealous of fucking Gideon Prewett, as if he can hold a match to you.”

“Oh.” Is all Remus can gather to say, peering back down at his shoes and pressing together his lips, feels the most lost he ever has while around Sirius. “I love you too, you know that. You know I love you so much that it hurts sometimes— That was never the problem.”

Sirius makes a strangled sound deep in his throat, and the next second, Remus can’t feel the warmth of his body besides him because Sirius is darting over to the cusp of the lake and kicking at a rock. “Fuck, Remus. You can’t just say that, all right! You can’t because none of this is fair, or okay. And I fucking hate it and I hate this and—“

“Maybe we can try,” Remus says, quiet but unshaken. And he watches as Sirius slowly turns back around, face scrunched up in utter confusion, but eyes glittering with something like hope. “I love you Sirius, and you love me. And Lily’s right, fucking hell she’s so right. I can’t just turn it off, okay. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I can’t. I can’t be around you and not want every part of you. But I also can’t let myself stay away from you. So let’s try, and it’s probably a stupid difficult decision, and we’re going to be frustrated and we’re going to miss one another but I know there’s going to be no one I want more and I think you migh— Oof.”

Remus can’t continue rattling off any of the reasons why they should get back together, because Sirius is somehow magically popping up in front of him— his large hands cupping against Remus’s jawline and his thin lips crashing against him, and Remus can only wrap his arms around Sirius’s torso and give him back all he’s pushing forwards.

And it might’ve been a minute or an hour that past, but Sirius is pulling back with a face that looks lighter in ways Remus hasn’t seen on him since the breakup all those months ago. “I’d literally agree to anything if it means we can stay together, Moony. Absolutely anything.”

Remus feels the strain against the apples of his cheeks as he beams at him at the sound of the oath. “Yeah, me too Padfoot. Always and forever, it’s you.”

.-

My Other Wolfstar FIC💜

[mrs-hollandstan]

More Than Perfect || Sam Holland

Warnings: mentions of nudity, mentions of childbirth and the complications afterwards, self-doubt, language?, babiessss, Sam just being a supportive cutie

Word Count: 1,720

Author’s Note: Hopefully you guys enjoy a little bit of dad!Sam. Lemme know :) Also, huge credit to @/marsbudge on Instagram for the picture on the right. She’s amazing in expressing her beauty and is the whole reason I created this piece. Moms/ women in general are fucking superheroes. 

My Masterlist || Add yourself to one of my taglists

There was nothing like having a baby. You were told that once you had a little one, your life would change and you would never understand the absolute love you have for this tiny human you'd made. When you and Sam got pregnant with your daughter, he was infatuated with your naked body. The tummy and the thick thighs and the ever growing breasts. Not that you yourself particularly minded being nude around your fiancè or just in general, especially when it just so happened that in the worst weeks of your pregnancy you'd be in the middle of summer. 

When your belly popped towards the bottom, blossoming up the further you got in your pregnancy, Sam lost his mind. He loved the bump and when his hands wandered, it's often where they ended up. More than anything, Sam appreciated the changes your body went through, especially the stretch marks around your thighs, hips, and belly. The boy was obsessed. That's why his Instagram blew up with pictures of your belly, pictures from the baby shower, of the nursery, of her closet, her name board above the crib, and eventually her when she arrived in the beginning of August. 

Virginia Elizabeth was what you named her and Sam, just as much as when she was in your belly, was obsessed with her. She was constantly in his arms and he admired each one of her little features on the daily, dressing her, feeding her (if you couldn't of course), changing her, rocking her to sleep. He was an all around great father. 

Especially because of the pain and exhaustion he inevitably and guiltily felt he inflicted on you. Your bump remained for a few weeks, but what it left, Sam saw, made you slightly depressed. Your feet were still swollen, your breasts were huge but your belly was starting to sag, and the bleeding was ridiculous. You slept most of the time because of the constant milk production and late nights, but Sam didn't mind taking Virginia out into the living room and kitchen, especially if his brothers were over to see their baby girl. 

However, after about a month you'd gotten somewhat used to being a mom and feeding her late at night with Sam right there at your side, giddy smile on his face the entire time at the look of his girls. He loved introducing you as his girls and going to see family and friends with your bubbly little girl in his arms. But something that seemed to remain after all of it was the nudity in your house. 

Sam found that most times he came to find you napping, you were nude beneath the blanket. Not that he minded. Easy access to the skin of your back and belly and thighs. He actually loved the sight and hoped that when he went back to culinary school and eventually went to work as a chef in one of your local restaurants, you'd still be like that, something to look forward to when he climbed into bed with you. 

With a day off from work but not from school, Sam was off in the afternoon and back before the sun started to set, walking up the stoop with a smile on his face. Even a few hours spent away from his girls was torturous. Shouldering the door open, he drops his bag just inside, kicking his shoes off just beside it, 

"Babe?" He calls. There's no reply, a frown covering Sam's face as he walks towards the nursery. He pauses in the doorway of your bedroom when he sees you, smiling to himself. You stand just before your bed, nude with your little girl, only clad in a diaper, in your arms. Your eyes are closed as you sway from side to side, the little one whimpering softly. Walking into the room, Sam stands with his hands on his hips, 

"Look at you two." He says softly. You open your eyes slowly, glancing at him. His smile is so wide you don't know how it fits on his face. He takes a deep, breathless like breath, looking you over, "You two are so perfect." He mumbles before he walks forward again, coming to stand behind you. His hands rest over your hips, lips pressed to your temple, 

"You smell like biscuits." You murmur softly, not faltering in the swaying, even as you lean back against his chest. He chuckles softly, 

"Orange cardamom biscuits. They'd go good with your tea, I'll have to make them sometime for you." He explains softly. You nod, lips pressing against Virginia's cheek. Her little face is turned up towards the ceiling, mouth hanging open as she fights sleep. You sigh, 

"I uhh, I took a shower, put her in that little bouncy thing just outside the shower and she got fussy cause it was hot in the bathroom. So I took her out of her onesie and was holding her and I just... her skin on mine felt amazing. Like yours does. And I miss her. I miss..." Sam can see the tears in your eyes now, "I miss my baby bump and being in the hospital smelling that newborn smell and all that." You tell him. He nods, 

"Its the postpartum peach. You know it'll pass and you'll have so much fun with her when she's older. Plus... the older she gets, the closer we are to havin another one. More of that newborn smell." He reasons. The look you throw him over your shoulder makes him swallow, 

"Alright... yeah, still traumatized from her birth, got it but... you don't have to be so upset. She's still little and perfect... both my girls are, and for the next... what, year, that won't change. She'll get nice and chunky and when she changes, we'll so be ready for it. She'll get giggly and fun and you'll love it. I know you will babe." He reassures. You nod, 

"I know I just can't help it. It feels like someone else is controlling my life, my emotions. I'm sorry." 

"You don't have to apologize Y/N. Your body, your mind are going through a lot of changes. You're maturing and all that. I'm not upset about it. The crying, from you or her doesn't bother me. At least there's some need for me." He half jokes. You smile, looking down at your baby girl. He sighs, 

"I'm really likin this naked thing with you though." He mutters, kissing your shoulder as he molds your hips in his hands. You hum, 

"Sometimes I'm just too lazy to get dressed, other times it's just too hot." You reason. Sam nods, 

"I like it." 

"Oh yeah?" He nods when you glance up at him, "Maybe you should join the party then. I wanna stare at her and she likes daddy's chest." He doesn't even need you to finish the before he's stripping from the grease and oil stained shirt and pants, leaving them in a pile on the floor as you sit at the edge of the bed. You scoot to your side, letting Sam lay down before you before you lay Virginia over his chest. He mumbles incoherently down at her, kissing the top of her head as he strokes down her back. He purrs which makes her whimper, the motion further lulling her to sleep. He glances over at you when you prop your head up on your hand, 

"You're a great father Sam. You've always been an awkward little bean but... when it comes to V, you do amazing." He chuckles softly, 

"Thanks Y/N/N. You two... mean the world." He admits, rubbing up and down your baby's back softly. You sigh, brushing his unruly curls aside, 

"I'm just glad that I don't have to cook. The food you make is excellent and you like doing it and baby loves it too." He laughs again, 

"And that's all that matters is making you both happy." He murmurs. There's a silence that permeates between you for a moment before you stand, finding the thin robe you wear all the time if it genuinely is too hot to wear anything else, 

"What was this... thing you were saying about orange cardamom biscuits?" You ask with a cock of your eyebrow. He smiles wide, tip of his tongue caught between his teeth, 

"I'm starting to think ALL you use me for is food." 

"I feed your little girl from my own body like eight times a day. The LEAST you could do is make bomb fucking food Holland." He hums after a moment, eyes averted from yours and to the little girl laid across his chest. He glances back up, 

"Can we just... have a little longer of this moment? Just a pretty little family before I'm whisked away to slave over a stove." He jokes. After a moment of staring at each other, you sigh, trying to fight your smile before you near the bed again, sitting at his side, 

"Fine Samuel. But only because you're pretty." You lean in to kiss his nose, kissing your baby girl's head just below his chin, "And you too little miss. I just hope you at least get something from me for all the pain and suffering I went through getting you here." Sam reaches up to tuck hair behind your ear, 

"You're a great mumma already. I have no doubt that she'll be witty and perfectly perfect. With a mum like you she'll always know she can never disappoint us with whatever decision or life choice she makes. You'll make sure of it and that's what matters. Raising a decent fucking human being." He says with such passion in his eyes you think you'll faint. You stare at him for another moment before sighing, 

"I love you more than anything on this earth Samuel Holland. Our little family is just perfect right now." You tell him. Leaning up to kiss you, he sighs, 

"Love my girls in all of their beautiful nudity. Love skin to skin." He murmurs. You lay your head against his shoulder, watching your girl sleep. Of course pregnancy and motherhood was difficult, but your fiancè made it so much better and your baby girl was everything and more for the both of you.

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[spxllcxstxr]

Being Regulus’ S/O and Watching Him be Corrupted by His Family • Headcanon

(GIF not mine)

Warnings: angst! The Dark Mark, Voldemort, the Noble house of black deserves their own warning, death mention, poor regulus

Request: hi beautiful! could i request headcanons for regulus black's s/o? a female one if it's not too much trouble:) could i get some angst with reader saying "All I ever wanted was your approval, because I didn't know I was allowed to want anything else." if that might be too triggering, please feel free to ignore that part. maybe regulus is being "corrupted" by his mother and starting to turn into what she wants him to be? and the reader disapproves and tries to get him to realize that what he's doing is wrong? take care of yourself, luv <3 — @lucellence

A.N: oops I like this, I think. There’s more dialogue than I thought but that’s ok. I hope you guys enjoy! And love you all ❤️

Your boyfriend, Regulus Black, started acting odd after winter break in your fifth year

Sure, he was always soft spoken and a little distant before, but this was different

He wanted to be alone more often and always looked like he never actually slept at night

Avery, Mulciber, and Rosier started hanging around you, Regulus, and Barty in the Great Hall

You could deal with Barty, he and Regulus were friends since they were 11

But the other three?

They were known bullies and blood supremacists

They made you uncomfortable

“Reg can we please go somewhere else?”

“(Y/n)—“

“Please Reg?”

He looks so torn. Glancing between his new friends and the love of his life

“Yeah, ok”

So you go and sit at the top of the Astronomy tower or in the far corner of the library

But he doesn’t look all there

He’s listening to you and smiling at you

But he still looks like he’d rather be with them

And it hurts

He also stops complaining about his mother and his other family members

In fact, you try to talk to him about the many letters he gets from his mother and sometimes even Bellatrix, but he refuses to acknowledge them

He doesn’t open them at the table, he stuffs them in his robes and opens them in private in his own dorm

“They aren’t important, ma colombe (my dove in French according to Google). So don’t worry about it.”

“If they aren’t important, then why are you getting one from Narcissa’s boyfriend as well?”

“He just...wants to get to know the family better, (Y/n). You know he’s planning on proposing to her soon.”

“Yeah...I guess that makes sense.”

But if it was such an innocent letter, why was he hiding it from you?

You notice that Regulus’ eyes never settle

His light grey eyes constantly flick around like he’s suspicious of every little movement

This continues until you have to part ways at the end of the year

He’s not allowed to visit you

You’re not allowed to visit him

“You’ll stay safe, right Reg?”

“You worry about me too much, ma colombe.”

“Well when you live with that Merlin awful mother of yours—“

“Honestly, she’s not that bad, (Y/n).”

“Not that bad? Regulus are you serious?”

“No, I’m Regulus—“

“Ugh, you’re lucky I love you.”

“Indeed I am...” He mumbles under his breath

But the train finally stops, meaning Regulus has to rush off to meet his father in the platform

He presses a quick kiss to your lips before rushing out, barely promising to write over the summer

Regulus writes to you here and there

Not as often as usual

Then, in July, he stops writing altogether

This could be for a number of reasons, honestly, and none of them good

You hope he’s alright

You get one letter late in August

The script is shaky and barely legible

Smudged in certain places like he didn’t wait for the ink to dry before sending it

Dearest (Y/n),

Sorry for the late reply, mother wanted visit our cousins in Germany Bulgaria their estate in France.

I truly wanted to write back, but you know my family. I never had time alone. Always watching, they are.

It sounds like you’ve had an amazing summer, and I can’t wait to see you on the train.

Be careful out there,

RAB

The uneasiness doesn’t go away

Because you know he’s lying

You don’t send a reply, knowing full well that you won’t get another letter from him

You meet him on the Hogwarts Express

The hug is quick and is only with one arm—his left one staying at his side at all times

Much to your dismay

You have to share your compartment

You’re squished next to the window, Regulus next to you, Barty next to him

Avery, Mulciber, and Rosier across from you

You hate every minute of it

They sneer at you the entire time

You study your boyfriend the entire way to school

How he has darker bags under his eyes

And his hair isn’t as neat and proper as usual

His clothes are stiffer and heavier on his smaller frame

Skin paler, eyes duller

He tries to act casual, his left arm just out of the way of the action

But you notice as he sometimes winces during a turn or cradles it closer to his body

You grow suspicious

Let’s flashfowards a bit to....November

It’s the middle of the night and you’re following Regulus down to the library

He’s alone, looking like he doesn’t want to be caught

He quickly starts rummaging through the Restricted Section

Which isn’t bad, everyone sneaks into the Restricted Section at least once in their Hogwarts careers

But then he starts flipping through books about Dark Magic

And the sleeve of his grey jumper starts to roll up

And you see it

The Dark Mark

Black and wriggling against his pale flesh

“What have they done to you, Regulus?”

He whips his head to your frame so fast, his books clatter to the ground

His eyes widen in fear

“(Y/n), I can explain.”

“You can explain?” You’re starting to shout

“(Y/n), let’s take this somewhere else. Please—“

“What? You don’t want me to expose you? Expose you for being a Death—“

“Silencio!”

And suddenly your screams are cut off, you look at him, tears in your eyes

“Oh Salazar, I’m sorry.” He looks like he’s about to cry, pacing in front of you, fingers tightly grasping his hair in panic. “I’m so so sorry, (Y/n)...”

He reaches out to you

“I’m going to take you somewhere, ok? We need to go before we get caught. Please. Please just trust me.”

Reluctantly you follow him to the Room of Requirement

Which has taken the form of a similar library

Shelves lined with books and other magical artifacts

He quickly reverses the spell once the door is closed

“What the hell, Regulus?”

“I—“

“Let me see it.”

You push his sleeve up to once again reveal the inky snake and skull tattoo across his forearm

“Oh Regulus...”

“I couldn’t stop it.” His voice wavers and he’s trying to push back tears. “They brought me and a few others to his manor, and I was forced—“

“We’ll go to Dumbledore—“

“You don’t understand, (Y/n)! I felt him! I felt his cold hands wrapped around my arm! His veins fueled with raw power! Dumbledore won’t be able to stop him. No one will!”

“Please, Reg! You were forced, I’m sure it can be reversed if you just tell the Headmaster now—“

“They’ll kill me, (Y/n)! Don’t you understand? They already suspect my doubt! That’s why I’m being watched. Monitored even at school. One wrong word, one slip of the tongue and I’m dead!”

You wrap your arms around him, careful to avoid his searing arm

He returns the hug, tears dripping into you as he chokes back sobs

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to do this, Reg. I swear.”

“Of course I have to. I have no other choice.”

“You can be like Sirius! And live with the Potters. Or with me.”

“And when the Death Eaters come hunting you down? When they burn down your house with you inside? Tortured? Screaming in agony? That’ll be my fault.”

He looks absolutely terrified

Eyes wide, lips wobbling

He can barely catch his breath

“No, (Y/n). I can’t do that.”

“You’re not your mother, Regulus. Or Bellatrix, or Narcissa. You can be like Andromeda and Sirius. You can get out. There’s still time.”

“They’re manipulating you, Reg! Corrupting you! You aren’t a bad person or a dark wizard!”

You bring your hands to cup either side of his jaw

Your own tearful eyes lock onto his

“You’re my boyfriend. You’re sweet and caring...and—and...Merlin Reg! I can’t even describe you, you just mean so much to me. I can’t lose you, Reg. No, I refuse to lose you.”

“I—I don’t want to die...” He sobs, so openly and freely

You’ve had enough of this

You take him by the hand and lead him out the door, which is easy in his weakened and fatigued state

The two of you march through the corridors to Dumbledore’s office

He’ll know what to do

•

All Character Taglist: @aspiringsloth20 @amourtentiaa @cherie-draco @mullthingsoverinthehotwater @catching-the-train-to-hogwarts

Regulus Taglist: @lunalovecroft

[kanmom51]

When do you think jm started to crush on jk? A lot of blogs on here think that jm didn’t acc start till like 2014/15 and that he was just playing it up for the cam in the beginning. While that could make sense, the one thing that throws me off is that one log he did in the beginning of 2013 where he says “ppl might think I’m strange for calling him cute, but anyways, he’s cute” or smthing along those lines abt jk. Maybe I’m reading too much into it and maybe it was completely platonic (pls tell me if you think so, I’m afraid I might be biased lol), but I thought he described him so fondly. Anyways, what do you think?

While we are at it, when do you think jk started to crush on jm?

🧸

Let me start by saying, Teddy anon, that JM finding JK cute in 2013 doesn't mean he was already crushing on him.

JK was the young one in the group. He was kind of a lost puppy, and JM, being the sweetheart that he is, felt an immediate connection to him. JM's need to care/take care of someone went into overdrive. JK was someone to look over/after. He had a very special place in his heart for JK from the very start.

Was it him crushing over JK? Or does that mean he was attracted to him? I don't think it does. Not at that point yet, anyway.

I think that around mid 2014 is when JM's feelings towards JK were changing, or more so, that's when he was struggling to understand what he was actually feeling towards JK.

It's around that period that JM becomes 'louder' in a sense, with his, if you want to call it, 'pushy' behaviour with JK. Here are but a few examples:

10 April 2014 MC countdown when asked how he would like to spend a day off, saying he wants to take JK on a date holding hands.

5 May 2014 radio interview - if he could go anywhere with anyone, JM chose to look at the ocean with JK.

15 May 2014 JM/JK log - JM happy to log again with JK. The thing that I find fascinating here is a remark or actually a question JM asks, and the feel I get is that this is a genuine question he is asking himself.

JM says it's been a while since they had a log together and that he wanted to for a while. Then, kind of out of the blue he says: "why do I like you so much?"

JK says "let's talk", and they turn to talk, but then JM says: "lately I've been going crazy because I like Jungkook so much."

I seriously don't think this was an act. I think this was JM struggling with his feelings towards JK trying to figure out what it was all about, and we got to see this process JM being who he was at the time, heart on his sleeve.

21 May 2014 After school club - talking about his coming of age, not getting a kiss, turns to JK asks him if he wants to give him one.

6 June 2014 NicoNico - chasing JK after he whispered sweet words into the mannequin's ear.

June 2014 radio interview: "when troubled with who and where would you want to go?" - JM answers he would want to be with the members, and his answer is not accepted. Tae even tells him "it's a lie" and JM denies it, but then JM says: "other than my parents I want to go on a trip alone with Jungkookie ". He is asked "why with Jungkook?", and answers: "I think Jungkook is very cute". Suga tells the interviewers that in a previous radio interview JM said he wants to go on a trip with JK, and then JM adds: "but Jungkook doesn't want to go". Me crying.

JK is asked why he doesn't want to go, and Suga answers for him "Jungkook doesn't want to accept it."

Me still crying.

August 2014 Dark & Wild concept interview. JM saying JK doesn't fit the concept "because you're very cute...ehh and charming...I can't live because of you..."

JM continues to be 'loud' or 'wear his heart on his sleeve' or pushing the boundaries with JK, however you want to look at it, until the beginning of 2015.

At that point there seems to be not a shift in behaviour as such, but perhaps a bit of a pull back. It's not that JM disconnects from JK, but he appears to be more tamed down mostly in his behaviour. This can be explained by what I think is a combination of a maturing process, JM coming to terms with his feelings towards JK and perhaps also a coping mechanism to the 'hot and cold'/ mixed messages he was getting from JK from around end of 2014 up to around August 2015.

And then came August 2015, when I believe everything changed...

[potrix-the-queerschlaeger]

joy in my heart - chapter 1

Or; What if Johnny had been forced to step up? [On AO3.]

 February 5th, 2002

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Johnny glances away from the awkwardly shifting nurse, over to the empty hospital bed. The sheets are rumpled, one of the tabloids Shannon loves to hate lying open on the pillow. Her favorite mug, the tag of the tea she’s started drinking against the morning sickness hanging over the rim, is sitting on the bedside table. “To the bathroom? The cafeteria?”

“Mr Lawrence,” Shannon’s doctor speaks up, and the pity in his voice that he doesn’t quite manage to hide makes something heavy settle in Johnny’s stomach, “your girlfriend left the hospital earlier this morning—”

Johnny’s shaking his head. “No, she—she gave birth a day ago? She—”

“Ms Keene discharged herself, against medical advice, about an hour ago.”

Before Johnny can even begin to wrap his head around any of that, there’s a soft knock on the door. The nurse goes to open it, gesturing for the woman on the other side to come in. She’s got a clipboard under her arm, and a no-nonsense expression on her face.

“Ah, right on time,” the doctor greets somberly. Then, addressing Johnny again, he says, “Mr Lawrence, allow me to introduce you to Mrs Porter.”

“Mr Lawrence,” Mrs Porter says, with a curt nod. “Francis Porter, Child Protective Services. Why don’t we take a seat?”

In his crib, Robby starts crying.

(Watch out for the break!)

 February 14th, 2002

They won’t let him take Robby home.

Johnny’s sitting on the old, dirty carpet floor in their—his, now, he supposes, with Shannon fucked off to who knows where—shitty little one-bedroom apartment, his back against the couch, and a mostly empty bottle of the cheapest whisky the gas station had to offer on the coffee table in front of him.

The foster family they’ve lined up has experience with babies like Robby, they’d said.

It’s too early to tell if there is going to be lasting damage, they’d said.

We can refer you to people who know how to help, they’d said.

No one is trying to take your son away from you, they keep saying.

Yeah, right.

Johnny reaches for the bottle again.

“Happy fuckin’ Valentine’s Day, Shan.”

 April 21st, 2002

Robby is asleep. He’s asleep in some strange woman’s arms, tiny chest rising and falling steadily, looking so damn peaceful—

Johnny turns around and walks away, ignoring Mrs Porter calling after him.

 June 13th, 2002

“Please, Mr Lawrence,” the guy who stole Robby, who’’s telling him he can’t see his own fucking kid says, blocking Johnny’s view into the house, “you can’t be here, not unsupervised. You know you can’t.”

Johnny takes a step forward, swaying on unsteady feet. “I just—I just wan’ to—only for a minute. One minute, okay? ‘S all I’m askin’, okay?”

In the distance, Johnny can hear sirens.

He blacks out before the cops arrive.

 July 8th, 2002

 “Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASDs) are a group of conditions that can occur in a person whose mother drank alcohol during pregnancy. Symptoms can include an abnormal appearance, short height, low body weight, small head size, poor coordination, behavioural problems, learning difficulties and problems with hearing or sight. Those affected are more likely to have trouble in school, legal problems, participate in high-risk activities and have problems with alcohol or other drugs. The most severe form of the condition—”

Johnny doesn’t bother putting  the book back before he stalks out of the library.

 July 9th, 2002

“My name’s Johnny. I’m—I’m an alcoholic? That’s what you’re supposed to start with, right? My kid, uh, Robby? He’s the reason I’m here, I guess? He’s not staying with me right now. For obvious reasons. His mom’s not in the picture. I—look, I don’t really know what the hell you want me to say? I just—I just want to see my kid, man.”

 August 4th, 2002

Robby is six months old. He looks at Johnny with big, curious, familiar blue eyes, thumb jammed into his mouth. He’s drooling all over his sleeve, wispy blond hair sticking up wildly from the nap he’s just woken up from. He’s still got pillow creases on his chubby little cheek.

“He’s been doing really well lately,” Helen tells Johnny, with a soft little smile. She bounces Robby, smoothing back his hair. “Isn’t that right, honey? Are you ready to say hi to your daddy?”

Johnny’s heart is in his throat.

His hands fumble, for a moment, when Helen passes Robby over, before he manages to settle on under Robby’s butt, and the other on his back. Slowly, carefully, Johnny lifts him out of Helen’s hold, pulling him close against his chest.

Robby makes a cooing baby noise, still staring at Johnny, and curls his free hand into the collar of Johnny’s shirt.

Johnny is holding his son.

For the very first time.

He is never letting go again.

Ever.

 October 25th, 2002

“—crying for, like, forty minutes now? That can’t be normal? Right? I’m—what the hell am I doing wrong, he won’t stop—”

“Johnny.” Helen, in Johnny’s less than expert opinion, sounds way too calm, considering the situation at hand. “We knew this was going to be an adjustment for him. First overnight visit with you, in an unfamiliar apartment, a complete deviation from his usual routine. He’s probably just a little confused.”

Confused because he’s staying with his deadbeat, piece of shit father.

Right.

“He’ll be fine, Johnny. You’re doing great,” Helen reassures him, as if reading his mind. Johnny squints suspiciously. “You’ve bathed him, fed him, changed him—”

Whatever she says after that, Johnny doesn’t hear, since Robby decides to add flailing to his sobbing, and yanks the phone right out of Johnny’s grasp.

“—some calming music,” Frank is suggesting, when Johnny manages to jam the receiver back between his ear and shoulder. “Helen is partial to ‘Stuck On You’, but anything slow will do, in a pinch. Put on some music, walk him around, bounce him. You’ll be fine.”

Music. Yes. Okay.

That’s definitely doable.

Only.

“Wait, Lionel Richie? What the hell have you been teaching my kid, oh my god, and they let you be foster parents? Unbelievable—”

“Johnny.” Helen’s clearly trying to hold back laughter, and not doing a very good job of it. And that, somehow, is enough to finally make Johnny listen. Really listen. She wouldn’t laugh at him if Robby was in actual danger. “You will be fine. Both of you. All right?”

Johnny doesn’t own anything Richie, obviously, but one of the boxes he hasn’t unpacked yet is stuffed full of all his mom’s old tapes. He rummages through it one-handed, while Robby attempts to make him go bald prematurely, until his fingers land on an old, well-loved copy of ‘Rumours’.

“Definitely beats Richie,” Johnny murmurs, and pops the tape into his cassette player.

Robby is probably just startled, when it starts in the middle of a not exactly slow song, but he does finally, blessedly, stop crying. He still looks like he’s thinking about it, though, so Johnny hugs him a little tighter, and starts singing along.

All I want is to see you smile. If it takes just a little while. I know you don't believe that it's true. I never meant any harm to you.

 February 4th, 2003

They’re celebrating Robby’s first birthday at Helen and Frank’s house.

There isn’t a huge crowd present, but Johnny had still been surprised at how many familiar faces were there to greet him.

“Like we’d miss this,” Tommy had scoffed, elbowing him in the ribs, while Jimmy’d nodded along. “Nowhere else we’d rather be, man.”

Bobby had just pulled him into an almost bone-crushing hug, and whispered quietly, “I am so proud of you, John.”

Because making someone cry at their kid’s birthday party was, apparently, a thing priests did.

Johnny is sipping his apple juice, squished onto the couch between Bobby and Tommy, when there’s a dull thud from the other side of the room. Helen is standing right by Robby, who’s looking mostly confused as to why he’s on the floor instead of toddling towards the gift table, frowning down at the carpet as if it’s personally offended him.

Then, his lower lip begins to wobble.

Helen is right there. Frank not five feet away.

Robby looks up at her, at Frank, then over at Johnny. Lifting up his arms, eyes wide and wet, he demands, “Dada?”

Johnny’s never moved faster in his life. “I’m right here, buddy. I’ve got you.”

[1plus1kiyoomi]

Chapter 16: 6PM Walks

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[masterlist] [kia’s slambook]

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“What did you call me a while ago?” Kiyoomi asks Kia, not listening to what you’re saying.

“Kiyoomi, this isn’t our issue right now.”

“No, it is. She has to call me that again.”

“She won’t.”

“She will. She did it a while ago.”

“Kia’s probably playing with you,” you mumble to yourself, but you leave the two of them to continue making breakfast before the whole fiasco. You figure that Sakusa is too excited being called papa that he won’t listen to anything you will say at the moment.

“Kia say it again. What you called me a while ago,” Kiyoomi asks Kia. They are on the couch in the living room, Kia’s eyes stuck on the television screen. She ignores Kiyoomi. He takes the remote and turns the TV off. The little girl looks at him in disapproval. “Say it again and I will turn the TV on.”

“What?” Kia asks, obviously not hearing Kiyoomi’s pleads a while back.

“What did you call me a while ago?” Kiyoomi pushes, his eyes piercing through hers, begging.

“Kyo,” Kia deadpans.

Kiyoomi pouts, turning the TV back on. He leaves Kia on the couch, then goes to you at kitchen. You don’t notice him so he just leans his back on the counter, admiring you from behind. You looked so cute with his shirt and boxers on, the apron you’re wearing is the cherry on top. He’s trying his best not to jump on you especially that Kia is just there.

You, on the other hand, are slicing the apples, Saki in your mind. “That fucking bitch,” you mutter, slicing rougher than needed. “She better not show up here again.”

“Have mercy on the apples,” Kiyoomi chuckles. He wraps his arms around your waist, his chin on top of your head. You continue to slice, Kiyoomi carefully watching your hands. “Where’s the ring I gave you?”

“It’s in my bag. I took it off when we were in Universals since it was slipping off my finger. I was scared I’d lose it,” you reply. His hug feels comforting so you slow down in slicing. “Have you given up on Kia calling you papa?”

“No,” he huffs, his chin now on your shoulder. You giggle at his determination. “You’re probably shocked about what happened.”

“Didn’t know your fuck buddy was psycho,” you respond. He starts leaving small kisses on your exposed neck, so you put the knife down and turn to him. “Kiyoomi, why are you so touchy today?”

“What do you mean? I was also touchy yesterday,” he corrects you. His hands intertwine with yours as he brings it close to his. He gives all your fingers soft kisses, completely calming you down. “You seem so stressed. You should get a massage or something.”

“That sounds nice.” You smile at the thought of simply relaxing. Ever since you had given birth to Kia, time for yourself was impossible.

“Then take a day off from being a mom today,” Kiyoomi mumbles, planting a kiss on your forehead. You look up to him in confusion. “I’ll drop you off at the mall. I actually booked you an appointment at a salon and spa a week ago.” You stare at him in suspicion but he seems solely genuine about wanting you to relax.

“What about Kia?” You ask hesitantly.

“I’ll take good care of her,” he responds. “Get changed. I’ll continue making breakfast.”

After eating breakfast with Kiyoomi and Kia, they send you off to the mall. You are so excited to relax. “Me time” is rare as a mother. You shall cherish it without questions on how and why you got to do it.

As you left the car, Kia and Kiyoomi drive to another street in the city of Osaka. They leave the car, and go to a small cafe that doesn’t have a lot of customers. A woman waves at him and he goes to where she’s seated.

“Kyo who’s that?”

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You finish your appointments at around 5:30 PM. Kiyoomi really wanted you to relax. He had appointed a full body massage for you, a hair treatment appointment, manicure and pedicure and lunch at a 4-star sushi place; he’s spoiling you.

You see his car at the driveway outside the mall. You enter his car, then you sanitize your hands. Kia is asleep so you keep quiet. You take a look at him and he looks nervous.

“Are you okay?” You ask him and he nods. You eye him warily as he starts driving off without a word. “What did the two of you do today?”

“We went to a cafe, then met up with my nutritionist. Kia is also gave him a checkup. Apparently, Kia is taller than most of her peers. She’s 8 centimeters away from 100cm and she’s only 30 months old...” Kiyoomi states in a stressed manner.

“Are you afraid she’ll get bullied by other kids for her height?” You look at him and he seemed upset about it. “On the brighter side, with her height she can be a volleyball player like you.” You reassure him, he still looks like he’s on the edge.

“It’s the flower field Kia and I went to a while ago. Do you wanna take a walk?” He suddenly suggests, looking out the window of his car. You hum as a yes, then he parks his car somewhere near the flower field.

“Baby...” You coo at Kia, taking her seatbelt off. Her eyes slowly flutter open and she smiles when she sees you. You lift her off her chair then close the car’s door.

You look around, and notice that there aren’t a lot of people. No wonder why Kiyoomi wanted to take a walk. The place is peaceful and breathtaking. Rows of different kinds of flowers, but mostly roses and tulips. You look down to Kia and see that she is staring at the sun setting over the flower field.

You finally sense Kiyoomi beside you, but the energy he’s giving is off. You take a glance at him and he isn’t wearing his mask on. Now your suspicion has risen to the highest level. You want to ask him about it but Kia suddenly wriggles out of your hold. You run after her but stop when you see two familiar boys.

“Mu-chan! Ki-chan!” She squeals in excitement, running towards the said boys. You greet them with a wave as they are standing from a far. You watch Kia run to them before walking towards them too.

“Mama! Turn around!” Kia shouts but you don’t hear properly.

“Turn! Around!” Atsumu shouts this time, signaling you turn with his hand. You raise an eyebrow at them before turning around.

3rd Year, Itachiyama Academy

August 19

“Omi... I suddenly thought of something,” you spoke, watching the sunset. You two were at his backyard, enjoying your first anniversary in the comfort of his home. “How will you propose to me?”

“Are you really thinking about marriage just because we’ve been dating for a year now?” Sakusa squinted his eyes at you. You shrugged, leaning on his shoulder.

“I’m just curious since you hate surprises. You might tell me to get my nails done a week before so it’d look good in pictures,” you joked. He let out a chuckle in agreement.

“I might do that.” He saw the excitement in your eyes. Now, he’s curious about your dream proposal. “How do you want me to propose? Do you want a grand one or a simple one?”

“I want you to propose just like this,” you replied, eyes glued on the setting sun. “You, me, on our anniversary, with the sun setting.”

“Do I have to be on my knee? The ground might be dirty,” he rambled so you pouted.

“How is it a proposal if you don’t go on one bended knee?!”

“Then I’ll do that,” he replied, determined. There was no hesitance in his response so your heart beat faster.

“Really?” You asked, hopeful. You were now looking at him and so was he.

“Yes.”

“Sakusa Kiyoomi, why?!” You exclaim as you cover your face with your hands, tears already falling from your eyes.

The Sakusa Kiyoomi who well known as a germaphobe is on his knee in front you, with a ring in his hand. You check your phone to see the date, just to make sure. August 19. You cry even harder, not able to process what’s happening. Your heart is about to jump out of your chest. How does he remember even that?

“Will you marry me?”

Unable to answer due to too much emotions, you pull him up and kiss him deeply, hooking your arm on his neck, pulling him close to you. He wraps his arms around your waist, lifting you up the ground in excitement. He puts you back on the ground, then gives you another chaste kiss before slipping the ring in your ring finger. He gives it a kiss, before kissing you once more.

“Mama!” You hear Kia run to the two you. Kiyoomi lifts Kia with one arm, his other arm not leaving you. “Look! Kyo proposed to me too!”

“Kyo who’s that?” Kia asked as she and Kiyoomi sat in the same table with a strange woman.

“Is this your daughter?” The woman asked Sakusa. He nodded. Kia was still looking at her weirdly. “Hi, I’m Nako. I’m a jewelry maker. I make necklaces, bracelets, and rings. Do you wanna see?”

“Sorry, I’m late,” a familiar voice spoke, catching Kia’s full atention.

“Mu-chan!” Kia greeted him with a kiss. He sat down beside her, greeting Nako and his teammate with a smile and wave. Nako was Atsumu’s classmate in high school that has become a famous jeweler in Japan.

“Here’s the ring and necklace you have requested to custom made,” Nako told Kiyoomi, handing him two black velvet boxes. “Just as requested, a palladium engagement ring with a 2.4 carat round cut diamond. And in this box we have a 14k white gold ring attached to a 14k white gold chain. I also made sure that this won’t choke your daughter. But to be extra careful, take it off during her sleep or if she’s playing without you or your wife around.”

They finished their transaction and Nako left, leaving the boys with Kia in the cafe. “So we’ll wait for at the flower field near your house and Kia will run to us, then you’ll propose?” Atsumu clarified.

“Yes. That’s right,” Kiyoomi approved. “Please thank Kita-san for me.”

“I will. I will. We’ll meet you there.” Atsumu bid his good byes, leaving the father-daughter duo.

“Papa what’s the rings for?” Kia asked, staring at the shiny jewelry set in front of her.

“Baby, I’ll propose to your mama,” Kiyoomi started to explain. “I’ll give her this ring so we can get married and we’ll be together forever.” He tried to explain in simpler words so the child could understand.

“Why do you want to be with mama forever?” Kia questioned, which made Kiyoomi smile.

“Because I love your mama.”

“How about Kia? Do you love Kia?” Kia tilted her head to the side, her hopeful eyes peering at his. He cupped her cheek, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“So much. I love Kia so much,” he replied. “That’s why I’m giving you this.” Kiyoomi took the necklace out of the box, presenting it to her.

“You’re proposing to Kia?” She asked in an excited manner, her hands clasped together, pressing them close to her chest. “You wanna be together with Kia forever?”

Kia started crying in joy so Kiyoomi picked her up from her chair, giving her a tight hug. Her sobs quiet down so Kiyoomi put the necklace on her. She hugs him again, giving him a lot of kisses.

“I love papa, too.”

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Facts:

The idea and tradition of engagement rings dates back to ancient Egypt. The Egyptians believed circles were symbols of eternity.

The truth is the most popular engagement month in a year is December. 

In all, about 70% of brides wear their rings on the fourth finger of their left hand; a tradition that comes from the Roman belief that the vena amoris, or vein of love, was located there.

Wedding rings were traditionally made of gold because it was considered the most pure and valuable metal, and was thought to perfectly symbolize marriage.

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Taglist:  @elianetsantana​ aoi-turtle ptv-hades  aquzairus a-applepi justoneofthefangirlsarianna-r13 morenabambinii chaelysian loser-keiji mxngy ne-kuroon1fangirlsblog d-efendmissalicebaskervillemarvelousbakugou @agaashesmilktea​ bonkyandloki kimi09 ntimacy @mkazuyuh  ushi-please minty-mangos-world @dearest-kiyoomi​ yeehawslap  onlyshinji obsessedwhxre

[broadstbroskis]

the wedding date | morgan rielly

a/n: well first things first, i’m gonna give a shoutout to myself, because i started this fucking thing back in august and it’s finally completed (that’s right, it took me 7 months to write just under 5k, shhh, it finally came together). 

anyway, since i started this back in august, you can tell i’ve had this idea for a while. it’s morphed and changed a bit but the basic premise has stayed the same- you go home with morgan for a wedding and everyone thinks that you’re the girl he’s been dating for the last few years- so i hope you all enjoy! (also i’m sorry i suck at titles but like i’m not)

a special shoutout to these lovely people who have listened to me whine about this at any point over the last SEVEN MONTHS and some fellow mo lovers because you’re all amazing and i love you, @denis-scorianov, @brockadoodles, @danglesnipecelly, @laurenairay, @hockeyboysiguess

-----

When Morgan approaches you, with what you’ll later learn is only his first attempt to ask you something, you don’t even give him the chance, really. “Hey, what are you doing this summer?”

“Not you.” You quip back, grinning cheekily, ignoring the barks of laughter from Matthews and Marner beside him.

“Haha.” Morgan deadpans, but it’s busy that night at the bar, Saturday night after a Leafs win, and you’ve really got to get back to work now that you’ve finished serving them, so you’re already walking away from him.

The second time it happens is a Friday night, a few weeks later, when you’re out with some friends for the first time all semester. It’s late enough that you’re feeling just on the right side of tipsy, you’re drunk enough that you know you’re going to go home with the guy you shouldn’t, and you’re okay with both of those things. 

At least, tonight you are. Tomorrow morning will be a different story.

And then, Morgan stops you at the bar. “Hey.”

“Hey!” You grin back...and then it slowly fades as he just hems and haws. “What’s up?”

“I-” He blows out a frustrated groan.

Your eyebrows raise. You’ve known Morgan for years now, since his first season with Leafs had been right about when you started working at the bar for some extra cash after realizing just how expensive school was getting and grad school would be beyond that. You’re not sure you’ve ever seen him at such a loss for words. “Alright, well if you can’t think of it now, get back to me later, okay?”

“Wait-” He says, so you give him a minute or two, but there’s still nothing.

“Ok, I love you, but this is my one night out before my dissertation is due later this spring.” You tell him, reaching out for a hug. “You have my number and you know where to find me.”

“Ok.” Morgan smiles a little. “Have fun tonight.” And then you slink away from him, back in the direction of your friends, ready to let loose one last time before the craziness sets in.

The night that Morgan finally gets his question out is a quiet one in the middle of the week. He settles himself into the corner, doing his best to be discrete with a hat covering his face. By the time you and your coworker get everyone settled with drinks and you make your way over to him, he’s caught the attention of one older man, who immediately walks back to his girlfriend when you arrive at Morgan’s section of the bar.

“Well finally.” He’s free of all teammates, a rarity but not unheard of, especially this late in the season. “What’s a guy gotta do to get some service around here?”

“Oh sorry!” You tease. “Did I interrupt something here? Did you want me to call that guy back up so you guys could finish up?”

He flattens you with a look. “Don’t you dare.”

You giggle, leaning down against the bar in front of him. You know how much he loves the Toronto fanbase, but as playoffs approach, the fans are becoming more vocal and more forward with their thoughts. “You want another drink?”

He looks down at his glass, contemplates for a minute, and then nods, so you return quickly with a new beer for him and then smile as you watch him take a large gulp of it. “So what’s new?”

“Ehh loaded question.” He says cryptically. You give him a look. “But hey, you’re here on a Wednesday! You done with your...dissertation?” He trails off hesitantly, smiling at himself when you nod.

“Yup. I should know next week if I’m all clear.”

“And then?” He prompts.

“And then you can call me doctor, asshole.” You tease.

“I mean, Dr. Asshole isn’t what I would have gone with as my first choice, but if that’s what you want…”

“Morgan!” You laugh, ducking your head at the lame joke.

He’s grinning when you meet his eyes again, pleased as always that he could make someone laugh. “But seriously, that’s awesome! I’m excited for you.”

“Thanks.” You grin.

“What’s your next step then?”

“Umm I get to start researching infectious diseases for money.” You tell him excitedly, since you’d accepted a job with the University of Toronto’s medical research facilities. “But it doesn’t start until August.”

You’d expected Morgan to tease you about your excitement of infectious disease-something he and his teammates (among many other people you know) have done multiple times before-but instead, he perks up and says, “So you’d be free, on say, the weekend of July 8th?”

“Why?” You ask suspiciously. Experience has told you not to immediately say yes to this.

Morgan sighs. “Look. I need a date for a wedding back home that weekend.”

“And I’m the best you could come up with?”

“Best?” Morgan repeats. “You are funny, you’re pretty, you’re a doctor, all of which, frankly, puts you well out my league.”

“You’re not wrong.” You agree cheerfully, which puts the smile back on Morgan’s face, as you’d hoped. “But that doesn’t explain why you’d need a date to this wedding.”

The smile fades quickly and you wince. “I was supposed to go with Laura.”

You frown. “What happened to Laura?” Last you’d heard, the two of them were solid. Really solid. Headed for a wedding themselves, solid.

“She wasn’t who I thought she was.” He says flatly.

You wince. “I’m sorry, Mo.”

He shrugs. “It’s over and done with now.” You send him a reassuring smile. “So will you come?”

Well, there’s really no way you can say no now and not feel like an asshole. “Sure.”

The grin returns to his face. “Knew you’d come through for me.”

-----

Morgan rolls up to the airport in Vancouver to pick you up in a very fancy looking Jeep, a far cry from the sporty Porsche he drives in Toronto, and you call him out on it immediately. “I see how it is. You go home and you’re a fancy country boy, not a fancy city boy?”

He laughs. “Fuck off.”

“Gladly.” You tell him, grinning teasingly. “Drop me off at departures, will ya?”

His tone immediately turns serious. “Thank you. Seriously. Thanks for coming.”

Your smile remains on your face, still beaming over at him. “It was nothing, Mo.” It wasn’t, really, and you both know it. You’d quit your bar job a couple weeks early because of this, but you were happy to do this for him. He’d been down about Laura, down about being bounced from the playoffs again. This spring had been rough on him and you were more than happy to do your part to cheer up one of your closest friends.

Morgan hmms, in a way like he’s pretending to be casual about it, but he changes the subject as he switches lanes to pull onto the highway.

-----

Morgan has a whole itinerary for the next few days, prior to the wedding, but promises he’ll take you around to some of his favorite spots before you leave late next week. A quiet night tonight, dinner with his parents and brother tomorrow, and then the wedding stuff began the following day.

Much like his fancy Jeep, his fancy house in Vancouver is also nothing like the condo he owns in Toronto. You wouldn’t go so far as to say that his condo is...edgy, but it’s pretty modern? The house here in Vancouver is larger, sure, but reminds you a lot of the house you grew up in...or well, a larger and fancier version of it.

“Gonna give me a tour?” You turn to Morgan, who’s standing next to you almost awkwardly, as you look up at the beautiful house in front of you. Your bags are still in his hands, and you nudge his arm playfully, reaching for one, but he won’t let you grab it, smiling back at you as he starts to lead you in.

The inside is just as nice, and even though it’s clear that his mom and interior decorator have done a lot of work on it, there’s still a lot of Mo touches too. Each one makes you smile, the ones he points out in his tour and the ones that he doesn’t, until he finally leads you upstairs, dropping your things in one of the spare rooms. “Did I-“

“If the next words out of your mouth are say thank you, I’m walking out of this house.” You warn him.

“-ask what you want to do for dinner tonight?” Morgan finishes lamely and you laugh.

“That sushi place you always hype up?”

Morgan smiles. “Anything you want.” He says, and then, instead of the thank you that you know he wants to say, he pulls you in for a hug and squeezes tightly, before letting go. “Change and we’ll go?”

“Shower, change, and we’ll go.” You correct, dying to get the feel of airplane off you. “45 minutes.”

Morgan looks at you knowingly. “Sure, uh huh.” He says, nodding like he knows it’ll be much closer to an hour, an hour and fifteen, and you laugh, shoving at his shoulder before he makes you want to stretch it out to an hour and a half on purpose.

-----

Morgan’s parents might be the nicest people in the world, but they’re also a little...odd? Like, you’re not trying to be mean, because just like Morgan, they truly are the absolute sweetest, but, like, they just keep smiling at you with this knowing smile, like they know something that you don’t and it’s just...weird.

But they welcome you with open arms, when the two of you show up to dinner on your second night in town, hugging you just as tightly as they hug their own son, maybe even tighter than they hug the son who still lives in the same province as them. 

“We’re so excited to finally meet you!” Morgan’s mom gushes, once you get settled in their kitchen with a glass of wine, which at least explains the weirdness a little. “

“You guys too.” You admit. You’ve heard so much about them, his parents and brother, over the years of friendship with Morgan; it’s nice to finally put faces to names, to stories. “Thanks for having me tonight.” Next to you, Morgan nudges you, a grin on his face. You can practically hear him. Stop saying thank you, like you’ve been saying to him for the past day. 

“Oh stop!” She says, practically in time with his nudge. “Morgan tells us you’re a doctor now!” It’s said with pride, like you may as well be one of her own children who’s done something great.

“Yeah!” You smile, swirling the wine around a little, and then, because you don’t want there to be any confusion. “Not that kind of doctor; you should still call 911 if something happens.”

His dad laughs and his mom beams. “What kind of doctor then?” His dad asks, and you spend a while talking with his parents about epidemiology and your dissertation- his mom, it turns out, works in a similar field, and it isn’t long before the two of you are rolling your eyes about some research that just came out.

“What?” You ask Morgan, laughing, when your conversation breaks out, and she has to go check on dinner, at his dad’s request, before he burns it all entirely.

“I just forgot how excited you get about infectious diseases.”

“Can’t believe you’ve been out here this whole time knowing that your mom and I both exist and haven’t introduced us.” You announce. “The rudeness, the hearsay.”

“I don’t think that’s how that word’s used.” Morgan cackles.

“Oh, sorry, are you a doctor?”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with knowing how that word is used!” He protests, laughing.

You ignore him. “If you even think of keeping her from me when they come to Toronto…”

He wraps his arm around your shoulders and squeezes. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

-----

“Are you ready yet?” Morgan calls, and you take one last look in the mirror on the wall, smoothing the pleats in your dress. “We’re going to be late!”

“But it’s gonna be worth it!” You sing-song as you descend the stairs to meet him in the living room.

“Is it ev-” He cuts off abruptly, eyes wide and swallowing visibly as he cuts off. “Wow, okay then.”

“Worth it.” You wink at him, brushing past him to grab your purse. 

Morgan’s laughing as he picks up his keys, this soft and gentle thing that you can’t help but smile at. “Yeah, I should’ve known it would be.”

“You’ll know better for tomorrow!” You tease, and breeze past him to get in the car.

The ride to his cousin’s rehearsal dinner isn’t far, spent mostly laughing as you keep switching the station from anything Morgan changes it back to. By the time you arrive at the restaurant, you’re both giggling as you enter, flagged down almost immediately by Morgan’s mom.

“Look at you two!” She gushes.

“Mom.” Morgan says dryly. “Come on.”

She smiles at him indulgently. “Make sure you say hi to your cousin.” 

“Yeah, of course.” Morgan nods, grabbing your hand to pull you away. “Just after we hit the bar.” He mutters and you giggle.

His cousin, the bride, and her husband-to-be seem to have the same idea, and it’s just as you’re turning away, wine glasses in hand, that you nearly run into them.

“Oh!” Ashley beams excitedly, once Morgan introduces you. “Hi!”

“Congratulations!” You return the excitement. She’s so bubbly and bright; it’s easy to do, even though you don’t know her. “You guys look so great tonight; you’re going blow us all away tomorrow.”

“She’s going to blow me away tomorrow.” Dylan jokes, but you can tell by the twinkle in his eye that he’s entirely serious.

“Oh stop.” Ashley knocks his arm. “And you too,” She gestures at you. “You look amazing! How’d you do your hair like that?”

“This?” She nods and you walk her through it quickly; it’s a look that’s so much more simple than it looks and she’s gasping by the time you’re done. 

“Ok, mhmm.” She nods. “I’m getting your number from Morgan later so you can go over that with me again because I’m definitely going to forget.”

Morgan flicks a piece of your hair. “It’s a hairstyle, what could you possibly forget?”

You and Ashley exchange a look. “I got you.” You reassure her as you both laugh at him.

“Men, honestly.” She shakes her head, as Morgan and Dylan protest, but then before you and Ashley can talk any more, she and Dylan are being called away, and there’s promises for you all to catch up tomorrow at the wedding.

“You can’t have her phone number unless you promise not to talk about me.” Morgan says.

“Fat chance.” You tell him. “But nice try.”

From there, you start making your way back to his parents, stopping off to chat quickly with relatives he recognizes (and once, ducking purposefully into a small crowd to avoid an aunt he doesn’t want to see). You feel like it shouldn’t be surprising how nice his family is, given how genuine Morgan is, but each person you meet welcomes you so warmly, with kind words and open arms. 

“You must talk about me a lot.” You tease, as you two start making your way to your table.

Morgan shrugs. “More than I’d realized apparently.” You cackle and he laughs; it’s familiar and easy, but then you’re easily distracted by the appetizers coming to the table and fighting Morgan for extra of your favorites-also familiar and easy.

-----

It’s another morning of Morgan waiting impatiently for you, being rewarded with his gaping jaw dropped, and teasing him the entire ride to the wedding, before he easily gets his revenge when you tear up at the ceremony.

“You don’t even know these people!” He nudges you forward toward his cousin in the reception line right after the ceremony. “And you’re going to cry like that?”

“It was a beautiful ceremony!” You defend. You’d been right yesterday; Ashley had easily blown everyone away from the moment she’d entered the room. Their vows were incredible; you didn’t understand how anyone wasn’t crying.

Morgan snickers, nudging you forward again. “God, what do you do at weddings you actually know the people at?” He pauses as you both step closer another, like the idea has just come to him. “Oh man, what are going to do at your own wedding?”

“Bawl my eyes out, obviously.” You say dryly. “Tell my future husband to bring tissues.” You move up, next in line for Ashley and Dylan. “You clearly didn’t get the message.”

“What’d you do?” Ashley pokes him; you guess whoever was in front of you was a guest she didn’t know all that well because they’ve moved along pretty quickly.

“Me? I’d never.” Morgan says innocently, ducking down to kiss her cheek.

“I’m just giving him a hard time.” You agree and she grins, shocking you when she pulls you in for a hug. 

“He probably deserves it.” She says cheerfully.

“Wow, I see family loyalty goes a long way here, huh.” Morgan deadpans.

Ashley gives him a look. “Not for much longer, I guess, though?” She nudges him.

“Oh I see how it is, you’ve been married for all of five minutes and suddenly Dylan’s family is better than ours?” Morgan teases.

Ashley blinks. “That is...not how I meant that at all.” She says, but before she can say anything else to you, the couple behind the two of you starts sighing impatiently, and you all realize how long you’ve been talking for. You quickly congratulate her and then move along to Dylan as well, before stepping out of line and moving towards the reception area.

The bridal party was quick to get the reception started after the ceremony, so when you and Morgan make your way over, there’s already a decent sized group chatting and drinking. You both grab drinks from the bar and make your way to a group of his cousins, chatting for a while and laughing along as they’re sure to include you in all of their jokes.

When it comes time to start making your way to your table for dinner, you excuse yourself to the bathroom quickly, running into Morgan’s grandmother when you’re there, who had the same idea as you it seems.

She lights up when she sees you fixing your hair in the mirror, stepping up to wash her hands. “It looks great.” She assures you and you smile, thanking her. “Are you having a good time?”

You nod, following her out so the two of you can make your way back to the reception. “Such a good time! Everyone’s been amazing and Ashley and Dylan are beautiful; it’s been a great weekend!”

“It’ll be great to be all be here again,” Morgan’s grandmother smiles at you and you return it politely. “Next summer.” She adds, like an afterthought, and you shrug. She’d know better than you what the upcoming engagements look like. You can barely remember the names of the people you’re seated with tonight.

“If Morgan brings me back then.” You throw her a finger gun and she laughs-loudly.

“Oh, you’re a trip!” She nudges you gently, laughing. “Such a doll. Let’s get another glass of wine together before we go back, shall we?”

“I will never say no to that.” You’re pretty sure you still have a couple minutes to spare before you need to sit down. 

His grandmother links arms with you. “My kinda gal.” She beams and her smile is contagious, just like Morgan’s is when he’s really happy, so it’s not hard to grin along with her as she tugs you along for another glass of rosé.

-----

The evening’s winding down- the wedding long over and the after party beginning to do so as well. Almost all of the older relatives have made their way home or to their hotel rooms but there’s a few sloppy cousins and friends still going hard (you’ve got some serious concerns how the one groomsman is even going to make it upstairs). Ashley and Dylan keep stealing glances at each other, like they’re wondering if it’s late enough for them to sneak away yet, but each time they look like they’re going to, someone calls for another toast.

Morgan nudges you. “Hey.” He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a couple cigars. “Outside with me?”

You think about it for a second. Usually, you love a good cigar-and you’re sure that Morgan’s managed to acquire a good one- but tonight? “Not really in the mood, but I’ll come out.”

He grins, a little crooked, and offers his hand to help you up from the couch the two of you have been sitting on. Outside, the weather is beautiful, one of those crystal clear nights with a light breeze where you feel like you could be outside for hours. He lights the cigar while you continue to sip at your wine, the two of you standing in comfortable silence, until the door opens again.

“Cigars without me?” His brother grumbles. “I see how it is now.”

“Yup, just left you behind on purpose.” Morgan says shamelessly, but he’s already pulling the spare out of his pocket and handing it over.

“Unsurprising.”

“Yeah?” Morgan asks, amusedly. “Why’s that?” 

His brother gives him a look, and then, when Morgan doesn’t react, looks over at you, but you just shrug. “Just promise you won’t forget about me once you pop the question.”

You choke on your drink; Morgan looks just as shocked, the cigar halfway to his mouth. “What?” He says finally.

For the first time, his brother looks unsure. “I think...we all just thought...once you brought her home, that was the only thing holding you back?”

“Oh my god.” Morgan says breathlessly.

“I’m not-” You add helplessly. “We’re not-”

“Oh.” His brother winces. “Wait, so you’re not…” He trails off and the silence between the three of you becomes so thick it’s almost palpable. You don’t know what to do, what to say. What he even means. “You’re not together?” He says finally, sounding like he’d rather be anywhere else, doing anything else.

You can relate. You shake your head slowly, notice Morgan’s doing the same out of the corner of your eye.

“Um.” His brother continues. “And-and you haven’t been-together?” Another head shake. “Wow. A lot of people are going to be very disappointed.”

“A lot of people?” Morgan repeats. “Who...who all thinks this?” But you don’t need an answer to know and apparently, he doesn’t either. The silence thickens somehow; you didn’t think it was possible. 

“Um.” His brother’s already backing away, even as he speaks. “I’m gonna go now. Before I say anything else to make this worse.”

He’s gone before you can tell him you’re not sure that’s possible, leaving you and Morgan in the loudest silence you’ve ever experienced. 

It’s abundantly clear Morgan feels it too, from the way he won’t even meet your eyes, will barely even look at you, actually. And there’s so much to say here, but well, “You never brought Laura to meet your family? Never let them meet her at home?” Apparently, they really weren’t as serious as you’d thought.

Morgan laughs hollowly, finally meeting your eyes. “That probably should have been a clue, huh?”

“A little bit of a red flag.” You agree. It’d been how many years? Morgan’s tight with his family, that much you knew before you’d come out here and only became clearer as you met them. “Why...why didn’t you ever introduce them?”

Morgan sighs. “I think-I always knew something wasn’t right. And I just didn’t want to admit it?” He sighs again. “I shouldn’t have brought you into this.”

“You didn’t know.” You tell him gently. “And I wanted to come.” You remind him. “I was happy to!” You pause for a second. “I was happy to come across the country to a wedding with you and your family with barely a second thought. So maybe we both need to re-examine what happened here this weekend.”

“Maybe we don’t.” Morgan says simply.

“What?” You frown, confused.

“You were happy to fly across the country for a wedding with me and my family.” Morgan repeats, with a small smile on his face. “And then you come here and meet my entire family, and they think I’m ready to propose to you, because you're the girl they hear me talk about all the time.” Your jaw drops-is he saying...what you think he’s saying-and his smile grows into a grin. “I think this thing between us has been more than either of us have been able to admit because we’ve had other things going on- school or hockey or-”

“Other girlfriends?” You supply teasingly, when he trails off, like he’s afraid to mention her name.

He nods. “There’ve been other boyfriends, too.” He nudges you, just as teasing.

“There have.” You admit, because it’s not a lie, but none of them have ever worked out, for a variety of reasons, but you can’t help but think, that now that he’s mentioning it, Morgan might have been a part of those other reasons.

He’s back to smiling again when he continues, leaning against you slightly. “I think we owe it to ourselves to see what we could be.”

You lean back against him. “You do, do you?”

“I do.” He nods.

“Little early for that, don’t you think?” It takes a second for your joke to land, but once it does, he cracks up and it brings a smile to your face. 

“We are at a wedding.” He grins, nudging you playfully. “Who knows, maybe someday it’ll be ours?”

-----

a bit in the future

It’s one of those beautiful sunny days where the sun is shining with a light breeze where you feel like you could be outside for hours. 

Unfortunately, you’ve got a huge project due at the end of the week, so while Morgan’s been enjoying the lake all day, you’ve been sitting at a table on the dock, staring at your laptop, tapping away at your keyboard, and ignoring his increasingly annoying calls for attention.

It’s harder to ignore when he comes up next to you, wrapping his wet arms around your shoulders. “Morgan.” You try to shake him off. “Come on, gimme like ten minutes and then I’ll come in.”

“Promise?” He asks.

“Yes.” You say because if you can get this one last thing done you’ll be ahead of your goal for the day.

It works; Morgan sits down next to you quietly, scrolling through his phone for a bit, and then, jumps up and runs inside the cabin, and you jump on the opportunity of quiet to get ahead even further, losing yourself in your next bit of project.

“Hey,” Morgan says casually, and it scares you a bit, his return far quieter than he’s been all day. “What are you doing the weekend of July 8th?”

“I don’t know, that’s like a year away!.” You snap, turning to tell him to stop annoying you, only for your jaw to drop when you see him down on one knee.

“Want to get married then?” He says, a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face, like he’s been waiting for this reaction, like it was everything and more.

“Oh my god! Are you serious?” He slips his hand into his pocket and pulls out a ring; you gasp. “Morgan!”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, oh my god, yes!” Your computer long forgotten in the face of an engagement ring, you throw yourself at Morgan, who catches you easily, like he was prepared for this. He probably was. He knows you better than anyone; he’s your best friend and so much more. He barely manages to slip the ring on your finger before you’re kissing him. “I love you!”

“I love you, too.” He grins. “Are you sure you’re ready to take this jump with me?”

“Of course!” You beam, but it hits you just a minute too late. He’s already jumping in the water. “You’re the worst.” You sputter out at him, purposefully spitting lake water at his face. 

He doesn’t even look like he minds. “For better or worse.” He grins.

“That’s not what that’s referring to!” You splash him and he splashes back but before it can devolve into a full on splash attack, he’s pulling you into his arms.

“I mean it though.” He says, kissing you again. “And I’ll tell you again, next summer, at our wedding.”

Our wedding. The words sound almost unreal, too good to be true. “I’ll be the one in white.” You promise. “Or, well, maybe ivory.” You say and it’s hard to kiss Morgan then when he’s laughing so hard.

[engagemachine]

"You're so gentle," she tells me. They all say it. I hear it from my patients every time I take their arm to wrap the blood pressure cuff around it, or when I place my stethoscope on their belly, or when I rub circles into their back when I've helped them sit up on the side of the bed for the first time in three days. Sometimes they cry, because it's the first tender touch they've felt since they've been in the hospital. It's very humbling and at the same time very concerning -- why has no one else offered this tenderness to you? Why am I always the first?

But I don't feel gentle. Not when a pair of ribs are cracking beneath my hands as I'm doing chest compressions on a Covid patient who's stopped breathing--the second time I've administered CPR on a Covid patient in two days. I don't feel gentle when I'm wrestling with a patient and begging for them to keep their oxygen mask on. When I have to hold them down and hold them still so my coworker can draw a blood sample. I don't feel gentle when I'm inserting a nasogastric tube down someone's nose, then throat, and into their belly while they're gagging around the tube and their arms are flailing. And I don't feel gentle when I'm washing a sacral wound with bleach and they're crying because it hurts. I don't feel gentle when I have to shout, beg, and plead for patients to listen, when I tell patients they're going to die if they don't keep their oxygen mask on. I don't feel gentle when I have to place a patient in restraints, or when I call a family member and tell them that their loved one's condition hasn't improved. I don't feel gentle when a patient tells me they can't breathe, they can't breathe, I can't breathe, and I'm yelling for coworkers to call the doctor while I'm cycling through different oxygen masks and trying to administer medication to slow their respirations and calm their anxiety.

I'm writing this because I feel like I've been living a little bit behind a veneer on here, although I know deep down that's not really true; I have always wanted my blog to feel like a positive space for anyone and everyone, including myself. I come here to have fun and destress and that's why you usually don't see me reblogging content having to do with politics or global news. I think it's possible to create a healthy space where one does talk about those things and spreads awareness for important causes, but for me, Tumblr is where I come when I need to escape the harsh realities of real life. This is my platform where I can indulge in my fictional proclivities and interests, where I can appreciate art, photography, beautiful writing, my favorite films, music, and cute animals. That's what this space is about. I also have loved meeting new people and getting to know my readers and making new friends and chatting about my stories. That's why I'm here and I thank you all so, so much for indulging me in my passions and for encouraging my writing the way that you have: it has helped me weather the current storm of stress I am feeling in more ways than I could possibly convey.

But I have to be very honest with you all about how much I've been struggling lately, as I feel like I'm reaching a breaking point and I'm somewhat at a loss for how to handle it.

Since September of last year, I've been on an accelerated track to finish the degree I'm working towards, which is a Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I've been a nurse for four years, but I graduated from a two-year nursing program versus a four-year program because I wanted to get into the field earlier than some of my peers, which has been great. Anyway, my school counselor/mentor and I agreed that I could obtain my BSN in a year if I really pushed myself. The program I'm in is self-paced, which has been both a blessing and a curse. Most of my classes I have finished in about three to four weeks. Other classes, like biochemistry, took substantially longer, about seven or eight weeks, if I remember correctly. All of the classes have relied on my ability to self-teach, as there are no scheduled lectures to attend, only assigned readings and videos to watch, if you choose to do so. Fast forward to the end of May, when I went to visit some family, and, upon my return home, really started to lose some of my motivation to complete my classes. I was meant to finish my program in August (this month) but agreed with my mentor that I would take a short break and put my last three classes on hold so that I could resume the program in September. I've enjoyed approximately a month off from school, but "enjoyed" is a term I use loosely here as I was also picking up extra shifts at work because we've been so short staffed and losing nurses left and right.

Which brings me to the main cause of my stress. This pandemic has completely changed the landscape for how I administer care to my patients, and the stress of the care itself has been so utterly overwhelming at times I can hardly bear it. I broke down in tears at work on Sunday morning, shortly after 4:30 am, right there at the the nurse's station, and was sobbing so hard that my supervisor had to pull me away so that I could have some privacy. I wish I could tell you that I sobbed harder than I have in a long time--but I had sobbed at work with that same intensity just four weeks prior, only, I had been alone at the time. It's becoming a trend--I either cry at work or I cry at home--because the stress of this job has become unbearable.

I wish--I desperately wish--I could convey to you the seriousness of Covid. I think so much of the world has already decided to move on from it because they're so tired of having to deal with it and, quite simply, are ready to return to normal. I don't even know what normal is anymore and when--or if--we'll ever be able to return to it. And that has caused me a fair amount of stress and anxiety in and of itself. I miss traveling so much and I don't know when I'll be able to do it again. I haven't seen one of my best friends since the fall of 2018 for this reason, which kills me.

I've seen so much death. Transferred so many patients to the PCU and ICU. Frantically chased patients' oxygen saturation, trying to keep them from circling the drain. Being responsible for six or seven human lives at one time is a stress you cannot fathom unless you have done it yourself. I have cried with a patient, a young woman, who had lost her husband to Covid only hours before in the ER, a young woman who was now faced with battling Covid herself but also planning the funeral of her high school sweetheart from her hospital bed. I have wheeled a patient to the ICU so that he could say one final goodbye to his wife--married for over 50 years--before they pulled the plug and removed her from the ventilator. I have raced down the hallway with my patient on BIPAP, pushing his bed to the ICU and praying that he doesn't stop breathing on the way there. I've had to console crying family members over the phone who are worried about their loved ones, not to mention my crying coworkers who are as overwhelmed as I am. These are just a handful of experiences from the past month alone. There are so many more.

The discomfort of my job has become secondary. I expect, now, to be wearing an N95 for a full twelve or thirteen-hour shift because there isn't time to take it off. Not having a chance to pee or go to the bathroom during that time. Not drinking any water until I'm in my car and taking off my mask and finally taking a deep breath.

On a more personal note, I am continuing to lose weight and it's so discouraging. In high school I used to wear a size 2 or 4. Now, depending on the brand, I wear a double 00. My hair is falling out because of my stress. I haven't slept during the night in... I don't even know how long. I'm constantly tired. Exhaustion hits me like a great tidal wave and I am powerless to stop it. I expect now to crash during the middle of the day on my couch, only to wake up at 11pm and be wide awake for the rest of the night, and, if not wide awake, then in an out of nightmares and sleep paralysis. I have thought about leaving my job, but the idea of job hunting during a pandemic, and while I'm in school... it just makes me feel even more stressed.

I need a break, but it feels like there's nowhere to go to escape. I fantasize about some great adventure, going somewhere I've never been, but I also really miss my family and I'm scared to go home to visit.

This post doesn't really have a conclusive ending. I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed. Any prayers/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[chicksung]

Can’t You See Me? || Choi Chanhee

part of @ficscafe fic exchange event!

Genre: angst, little bit of fluff, ghost!au

Pairing: ghost!chanhee x reader (ft. younghoon)

Word Count: 2.4k

Warning/s: death, depictions of depression, dealing with death, mentions of a car accident

Synopsis: You loved Chanhee, with your whole being. You didn’t what you would do without him. However, it seems like life intended for you to be without him for the rest of your days

A/N: this fic is for rani @letteredwings please enjoy lovely. sorry that it’s a little late :/ this is unedited. please ignore any mistakes

any and all feedback is appreciated

Choi Chanhee promised you that he would love you until the day he would inevitably stop breathing and cease to exist. You always laughed off the comment, thinking it was just a stupid saying he would be saying into old age. You wished you had taken it as a sign, maybe you would’ve been more cautious, maybe this whole situation could’ve been avoided. What you didn’t know is that he had died a liar when he said those ridiculous words. He loved you after he passed too.

Chanhee stood helplessly in the kitchen, watching you stand there with an aching heart. You were wide eyed, shocked and frozen from the news.

“I’m…sorry?” You stammered, hoping, praying, that your ears were deceiving you with mean elementary school tricks.

“Is your partner Choi Chanhee?” The man’s voice seemed down, like he was scared to tell you again.

“Yes, he is. We’ve been together since high school,” You informed him, trying to push down the sickening churning in your stomach.

“I regret to inform you that your partner has passed away. We received a call this morning of an accident. A truck had collided with a car. The truck driver seemed to be okay, but your partner’s injuries seemed to be more serious.” Every word pricked your heart, which was as fragile as a balloon being poked with a needle, “We tried everything, but he eventually passed away. I’m very sorry for your loss.” You nodded, your chest tightened painfully, your vision blurry from the tears in your eyes. 

“Alright, thank you for letting me know. Have a good afternoon, sir,” You signed off, trying to keep your voice from cracking.

“You too, and again, I’m sorry for your loss,” The line went dead and you placed the phone on the kitchen counter. Chanhee? Dead? No, he can’t be. He had specifically said he would be careful on the road. Tears slipped down your cheeks like sweet raindrops, your knees pathetically giving out as you wailed, yelling out obscenities and curses. Chanhee ran behind you.

“No, I’m right here! Can’t you see-” He went to place his hand on your shoulder when he realised how pale, almost transparent, he was. He sat beside you on the floor, a million thoughts passing through his mind. He couldn’t comfort you, only able to listen to you cry his name in a desperate plea to bring him back to you. Chanhee’s heartstrings tugged harshly, but he was helpless. He was nothing but a memory now, a missing part of your shared apartment, a ghost. 

You stood amongst crowds of familiar faces, his friends, family, distant relatives, colleagues, the list goes on. Who they were didn’t really matter to you, what mattered was the casket being carried away from the church doors and out into the miserable weather. Fitting, you supposed, that it was pouring with rain on the day of his funeral. Attendees moved outside, umbrellas creating a dismal cloud of sorrow above them. It had been two weeks since Chanhee had passed away now, but for some reason you could not bring yourself to cry. No matter how many times you felt his absence, not even after looking in his open casket, no tear stung your eye. You watched emotionlessly as his coffin was slowly dropped into the rectangular hole just beneath his headstone. 

                    Here lies Choi Chanhee

                Loving son, brother and friend

                 April 26 1998 - August 17 2021

                   Until we meet again, my love

You felt a hand slide across your shoulder comfortingly, Chanhee’s best friend, Younghoon’s. You didn’t react, didn’t flinch, didn’t move. You remained stone cold and kept your face void of expression. A different feeling settled in the pit of your stomach. Irritation? Anxiety? Frustration? It was hard to describe, which typically meant it was complicated, and you didn’t really like complicated feelings. You could sense a storm coming, and judging from the storm clouds of emotion in your mind, it didn’t look like it would be clearing up any time soon.

A distance away from the gathering of mourners, a pale figure stood solemnly. Sure, watching his own funeral felt weird, but Chanhee could only think of you, and how you stood there, in a similar way to him, unable to display your emotions. He wished for one second, just one, that he could understand what you were thinking, feeling, praying. Maybe there would be a way to ease the pain you felt in your heart? He was technically responsible for said pain, so shouldn’t he try and fix it?

Younghoon had been coming over more, Chanhee would notice when he would be sitting on the foot of your bed, which you had not made the effort to get out of. Everyday, the time you would eventually get up would be pushed back. Before, it was only an hour later, then it was two, then three, then four, until one day, he noticed that you only got up to go to the toilet. He would listen to you cry, sniffle, send the occasional text to someone. Younghoon had seemed to notice, so had made it routine that he would come over at exactly 1:09pm every day to help you get out of bed and try to create a productive day together. Chanhee had memorised the sound of Younghoon’s footsteps, the sound of his keys jingling in the door’s lock, the way he would hum as he made his way to the bedroom. Younghoon had become the life inside of the dead quiet house. Chanhee noticed the way that his best friend would look at you, the sad sigh that would escape his lips when he saw you, sprawled out and weeping. 

“Come on. You can’t keep moping in here,” Younghoon sauntered over to your bedside, crouching down to get a better view of your face.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want. Go away,” you hissed, pulling the covers over your head, childishly pretending that if you couldn’t see him, he would simply fade from existence. 

“Bubba,” he called out sweetly, tugging the covers out of your grasps, “you’re running low on food. I don’t want you going hungry, and besides, it’s a nice day outside. Whaddya say?” With a low groan, you slowly rose from the safety of your sheets, loose hairs sticking up in wild directions. Chanhee rushed to your side, his cold touch to your cheek sending a cold shiver down your spine. He sighed somewhat sadly as he watched Younghoon help you out of bed. It should be him helping you out of bed every morning, it should be him trying to motivate you with small activities. However, deep down he knew that if it were him, you wouldn’t even be struggling to get out of bed in the morning. He was the cause of your lack of motivation, he was the cause of your pain, your suffering. Every emotion you were feeling right now was because of him, and somehow, in some way, he wished he was still there. He wished he was Younghoon.

“Where’s Uncle Chanhee?” Your young nephew looked up at you with big eyes, confusedly looking around to find his favourite uncle. You sighed softly. You knew you would have to have this discussion with him sooner or later. 

“Uncle Chanhee...isn’t going to be coming today,” you explained, kneeling down to the four year old’s level. Chanwoo’s bottom lip quivered slightly, “Why not?” He asked with glossy eyes. He had been really looking forward to playing with Uncle Chanhee, and couldn’t understand why he didn’t wanna play with him. You knew Chanwoo was too young to understand death, but he had seemingly noticed Chanhee’s absence. You chewed the inside of your cheek, trying to think of some sort of acceptable lie to tell a child. 

“He’s not well today. He says he really wish he could play today, but he had to stay home,” You pet the boy’s head softly, hoping he would understand. The little boy nodded, seeming to understand.

“Can I make Uncle Chanhee a get well soon card?” He asked with wonder in his eyes, and you would have to be a monster to have said no.

“Of course, Woo. Go get your craft things.”

You helped your nephew decorate his ‘card’ which was really just a folded sheet of printer paper, but you weren’t about to rain on his innocent parade. 

“I’m still sad that I can’t play with Uncle Chanhee. I wish he was here,” Chanwoo admitted, writing a sweet message in lopsided messy handwriting. 

“Just because he’s not here in person, doesn’t mean he’s not here in spirit,” you explained, drawing a sun in the corner of the card for the youngster to colour in. 

“What do you mean?”

“It's kind of like magic,” you pondered aloud, “like a hug you can feel from someone who is not there.” The child nodded.

“Yeah! Like it still feels like mommy is hugging me even when she’s not there,” it was your turn to nod. 

“Exactly, Woo! You’re such a clever boy,” you ruffled his soft hair, making him giggle uncontrollably.

You were right, in a way. Chanhee was there, as a literal spirit. He felt a warm surge crash over his pale body, knowing that Chanwoo wanted to make him a card without fully understanding what was going on. A child too sweet for this world. However, it wasn’t Chanwoo he was focusing on. It was you. You weren’t crying, you weren’t wailing his name in agony. You seemed peaceful, collected, like you were watching the sunset over the sea. You were starting to come to terms with no longer having your boyfriend there. Sure, it pained you every morning to roll over and say good morning to someone who never even got into bed that night, but it didn’t hurt as much as it used to. He was unsure how long you would stay in this peaceful mindframe, but only the best storyteller will tell, time.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Younghoon asked softly, eyes just as gentle as his words. You nodded, confident in your decision. You were a little unsure when you first brought up the idea to him, but it had to be done. The both of you walked up the hill in the cemetery, hands intertwined. You two had been dating for some time now, but you always had this lingering feeling that Chanhee wouldn’t like what you were doing. You loved Chanhee dearly, but you felt the same about Younghoon. It had been almost seven months since you received that phone call, but slowly everything in your life was piecing itself back together, formerly shattered after the tsunami of emotions that wiped out everything that made you feel human. You stood at the face of his gravestone, his name etched prettily into the cool rock. 

“Hey,” you greeted, your hand slipping out of your boyfriend’s. Chanhee displayed an invisible smile.

Hey.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The sentence felt awkward and heavy on your tongue. 

It has. How have you been?

“I’ve been doing well. Just trying to get by, you get it.”

Yeah, I get it. Is that Younghoon?

“I was getting to that. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did. He helped me a lot after you passed. I owe him a lot. Mainly ice cream,” You laughed at yourself, partially because of your bad joke, and partially because of how ridiculous you must sound to anyone passing by.

You’re dating now?

“Yeah. I just...I wanted to say thank you,” you blurted, playing with the tips of your fingers.

Why are you thanking me?

“You taught me a lot, Chanhee. How to cook ramen properly, how to make the best oven baked pizza anyone has ever had, but most of all, you taught me how to love. And while I love you so much, my god, you can’t even believe to comprehend it, I’ve found someone else that I love,” You felt tears spring to your eyes. You were the only one talking, so why did it sound like you were saying goodbye? You glanced at Younghoon, who only smiled weakly. 

“Can I say a few words?” Younghoon stepped forward, placing his hand on your shoulder, the same way he had done the dismal day of Chanhee’s funeral. You nodded wordlessly, watching your boyfriend stride towards the grave of his best friend. Younghoon traced the etched marks of his friend’s name before giving a small smile.

“You’ve been gone too long,” he started, giving a sad chuckle, “and a lot has happened during that time.” Chanhee laughed silently at his friend’s words, slumping against the cold headboard of his resting place.

“But I will promise you this. I will look after them for you. I will care for, and nurture and love them for you. It’s what best friends are for, right?”

Chanhee nodded, a friendly smile finally adorning his features. He felt something new, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, peace. His body felt as light as a feather, as if it was drifting through the breeze. He dropped his gaze to his hands, only to see that the aforementioned body part wasn’t there. He was fading, an experience he had thought about many times before, but somehow, it wasn’t as scary as he thought it would be. Chanhee looked to you, and he could’ve sworn that for a moment, just one moment, you could see him, slowly dematerialising out of existence. He wasn’t scared anymore, scared of how you would cope without him. You had Younghoon, the only person other than you that he trusted his life with. 

“Until we meet again, my love,” Chanhee bade his final farewell to this world, taking a small bow and with a slight change in the wind’s direction, he was gone. 

You felt light, like the weight of an entire urbanised city had been lifted off your shoulders. Younghoon took his place by your side once more.

“Should we go home?” He suggested, earning a relaxed smile from you.

“Yeah. Besides, it’ll be dark soon,” you squeezed his hand, your eyes glowing in the reddened flare of the sunset. Hand in hand, you walked down the stone path and out of the overly large rusted gate. It was never easy letting go, not by any stretch of the imagination. You would always carry a piece of Chanhee with you, and even without him by your side, you felt closer to him than ever.