pluto1020

[pluto1020]

i loved you then. i love you now. i’ll love you later.

[pluto1020]

everything.

its so weird how i blink and a year has already passed. it's also weird how much my life has changed in the past month. summer came back around and my heart gained the warmth and courage to search for new love. it was so weird how it happened. i don’t even remember it to be real. nah, i do. just don’t feel like explaining. i’ll cherry pick the memories and things i enjoyed most.

i wanna say it was some time in late july or early august when i first heard him speak. i’m not good with timelines. the way he texted didn’t match his voice which didn’t match his face. it was lovely. i bought him a game because i was interested in him. it was a horror game. we played it for some hours. it was awkward at first and there would be quiet moments where my heart would beat a little faster from the fear of not knowing what to say. i remember how bittersweet it was. the conversation somehow transitioned into something deeper and we were eventually talking about school. he was headed to college in a little over a month. i wanted him bad. more than a boys don’t cry magazine. more than the little me wanted a spongebob popsicle on a hot summer day. how many miles i’d run to catch the ice cream truck or capture his heart. i somehow convinced him to stay. it was definitely on his mind all along. from the get-go, it was easy to tell how uncertain he was about moving away from home so early. we talked for nine hours or so until i felt like sleeping. most of that morning was spent outside. i watched the sunrise and took some pretty pictures. i listened as birdsongs filled the air. my ears rang with amusement. “he is the one,” i thought. “he is the one.”

a little time passed. in our first conversation i had asked if he would have been alright with meeting one another. he was a tad bit hesitant at first, which was warranted, but eventually mustered up the courage. he sent me some weird address in lower michigan. i thrive off of unfamiliarity and was excited to see him in front of me. i had my dad drive me because i didn’t have a car. when i arrived, i remember how the world around me almost silenced itself, sacrificing all of its sound to my existence—my heartbeat. it pounded. not with nervousness, no—my brain was confused. it was excitement. i’ve made that mistake since i was little. he opened the door to the one-story home and i saw him. i wish i would have gotten a photo. not even of him—but of the moment in its entirety. i wonder what my face looked like to him. i wonder what he was thinking. did he know as fast as me?

anyway. i remember watching him play risk of rain and his smile. i took photos of it. it was cute. i had no idea what risk of rain was but it sparked my interest. he liked childish gambino and lizzy mcalpine. classic gay boy. we spent that day and the same night in the hot tub and pool. we told each other about tender things that i’d rather not get into for the sake of privacy i somehow blow up one day. but i remember the shiver in his voice when he opened up to me despite being in a hot tub that was hotter than the damp summer air that filled the night sky. stars are crazy things. it’s wild how people used to think those were gods staring back at us. what if they’re right?

the first time i met his parents was on your average monday. they came home from work. actually, nah, my brain is remembering something else. we’ll get into the average monday later. i honestly don’t have much memory of the first time i met his mom. maybe i was too interested in the slight red tint of his long blonde hair or his kid soccer photos that hung on the left side of his fridge instead. the first time i met his dad was the day i took him to a lizzy mcalpine show in detroit. of course i remembered. it was a little overwhelming—i met two of his friends in the same few minutes. one friend, who was driving, was shaped similar to me. he was tall, had medium-length curly brown hair, and a deep voice. he was rather talkative and filled the room with a positive energy. reminds me of someone from my favorite video game. his other friend was shorter. quieter too. he had red hair and almost looked like ian from shameless. he was rad. too bad he was a swiftie though. still love them all to death. anyway, as i sat down in the car, a fairly modern SUV of sorts, his dad walks up the driveway behind us. he was shorter than me. he wore a suit and tie because he worked for a crematory. “what a tough and powerful job to have,” i thought. someone has to do it. i mean you’d think that there’s plumbers out there that have seen some rather unimaginable shit. literally. our interaction with one another was very brief. we waved each other hello and introduced one another. i awkwardly told him i liked his outfit as we climbed into the SUV and we sped away. as we went to the concert, i had that little awkward small talk interaction with his two friends. i’m pretty sure he had known them for most of his life, and meeting them was a big step in our connection. it still makes me nervous. anyway, we arrived and stood in a line for what felt like forever. i’m just being dramatic. it took about two hours or so to get into the venue and i got more familiar with his friends. there were a few more people that i met as well, a girlfriend of the talkative guy and another girl. telling stories without names is difficult. we talked about this big ass spider that we noticed the whole time and cracked a few jokes on each other’s heights. the show was pretty awesome. i had to take a piss but i have trouble doing so in public. pre-show, the bathrooms were flooded with both men and women. and everything in between. idk. it made me nervous so i held it out. we were standing on the floor for about 15 minutes before i couldn’t hold it any longer. while i was in the bathroom, my dumbass was thinking “this show is gonna start while i’m pissing,” and it did. funny thing is, i only memorized the lyrics of one song on her set list and it was the only song i missed. oh well. after the show, i dozed off in the car. the way back from a trip always feels faster than the way there. at least for me. why is that? the way we dozed off was cute. i’m pretty sure we were holding hands at one point. i remember closing my eyes and feeling his warmth as the streetlights passed over us. it was sweet. that night he let me sleep in his bed and he slept on the floor. it was a beautiful gesture. how easily he was willing to give up something he has known his entire life for someone he barely knew. i missed him when i woke up.

i’m pretty sure i stayed for two nights during that visit. we just chilled and watched ghibli movies the second day. dinner was when i got to properly introduce myself to his parents. i don’t remember what we ate. i wanna say we had spaghetti with sugar snap peas. pretty sure there was bread too. it was delicious. i wasn’t really focused on the food though. nah. i was focused on the moment i was in. we were in his kitchen. the chairs and table were wooden. so was the floor. oak i’m pretty sure. they had a love for blue. the walls were painted a nice turquoise. his fridge was pretty cool. cooler than mine. and not the temperature cool. it had filtered water. one time he tried to use the water filter in my fridge and i laughed at him for it. anyway, the tablecloth went down the middle of the table and consisted of sharp reds, some whites, greens, blues, and oranges. it was kinda cool. they were just lines though. i remember the crunch of my teeth everytime i’d get a bite of a sugar snap pea. our conversation was nice. we talked about the basics—how him and i met (which we lied about,) where i was from, and my interests. pretty sure we talked some about them too. that evening we watched the most gorgeous sunset. i took tons of photos of him. his beautiful blonde hair swayed as the wind kissed his cheeks tinting them into a nice rosy pink. the moment, which lasted around 15 minutes, was rather silent. i think i would do anything to go back to it. to do nothing with someone again. with him again. to just exist and allow myself to love. to photograph it all. he leaned over the top floor of his multi-leveled balcony and we just observed. listened as the birds chirped and flew over the corn field that boarded against his yard. it was beautiful. and it felt so perfect because while i was able to capture the moment, i was still immersed in it. i allowed myself to put the phone down and just watched as he lived. with a heart. with a brain. with pretty hands and small fingers. with a nice smile. i can’t describe whatever was happening to me then, but i’m a little afraid that i’ll be chasing it forever.

i will definitely tell this story out of order. like i said, i suck with timelines. this is just a collection of my thoughts. i’m not trying to be too poetic or anything. this serves as a reminder, something to come back to when my brain feels it needs to. people don’t write enough. we’re all so interested in what is happening around us that we can’t live. shit sucks. i’m glad i learned how to early on.

the first time he came to toledo, it was exciting. how nice it was to show someone my room for the first time. posters of my favorite artists adorn the walls and mementos rest upon my shelves while little lamps sit on every object you can find. plants are in little cute spots, too. i always have something to talk about whenever someone sees it for the first time. he was excited as well. it was around a twenty-five minute drive. that day, we fucked really good and hard. like every other time. it was insane. best sex i’ve ever had. after, we watched some invincible and decided to get chick fil a, which wasn’t something he had in his area. it was a treat he got only when he went on vacations. we shared a meal with one another on my couch and went to sleep in the same bed. it was perfect. having him was perfect. his little head rested on my shoulder and we fell asleep soundly. i'm almost unable to describe how nice it is to not have to worry. when he was there, everything--from the daily annoyances that worried me to the past traumas that haunted me--disappeared. he meant everything to me. he was that nice sip of a ice-cold lemonade you take in the dead of summer or the warm weighted blanked you let rest on your skin as you fall asleep in the winter.

there was a time when we were watching ponyo, a ghibli movie, and he fell asleep on me. he laid his entire body on my chest. i cry writing this. i remember being able to hear his heartbeat reach an equilibrium and his little breaths exhale from his body while his weight pressed upon me. i remember scratching his back until he laid still and beginning to fall in and out of consciousness myself. i remember how much i wanted to tell him. i wish i could have. i wish i could have made him feel safer and warmer and more comfortable like he did for me. i wish that he would just come back and tell me i am everything that he needs and to forgive me. i can't sleep at night anymore. not like i did then.

there was a night when i wanted hot chocolate for whatever reason. he tossed the packets of powder on the counter and looked in the fridge for milk to no avail. it was around 11:30 at night, so we decided to look around his city for a gas station that may have been open. it was funny, he ended up driving me around 10 miles just for some milk. a cop followed us half way there and we giggled when he pulled into the gas station after us, as if he was on a similar journey. it was a truck stop called loves. ironic. we walked in, found the milk but got distracted by some candy on the way (this was mainly my doing.) they had discounted prices for multiple king-sized bars and i couldn't let that slide. he had a peanut allergy and i noticed as we walked to the front counter that i had picked a size of reece's that was too large for the discount. he went back to get me a smaller size but picked up a different reese's product. i just laughed because it was the sweetest thing someone had ever done. i imagined myself being in his shoes and looking at the candy and not knowing which to pick up. it was beautiful. we got back to the house and he made me hot chocolate. i remember while the milk was in the microwave, he stood and watched his phone. i never felt like i was on my phone around him unless i was taking his photo to capture such wonderful moments. i'm ashamed that i didn't capture his beauty then, but i was too captivated. i just watched as his chest rose and sank again, while he scrolled through twitter, and prayed that we would stay together forever. i wonder if he would make me a mug of hot chocolate if i asked him now. i wonder if we'll ever love again.

one time we went to the movies. we saw the newest alien film and i was fascinated with how modernized the entire theatre was compared to my hometowns. the seats reclined and were a ton more comfortable than the ones i had known since i was a nascent. i remember so vividly missing half of the movie because i watched as the projector's light reflected against the liquid that sat at the bottom of his eyes. they were just glimmering. i liked watching him blink. there were a few times where he got scared and i had to keep my laugh in. he doesn't know til this day, but, i had a panic attack around half way through. i didn't want to ruin the moment for him. the movie finished and i remember him refilling his slushy and mixing the cherry and blue raspberry flavors after. it was cute. i shed a few tears on the drive home. i couldn't help feeling that he was the most wonderful human i had ever come by, and i am eternally grateful for that.

he had these really gay red soccer shorts that he would commonly wear. he had a white pair, too. they looked great on him. everything did. i was never one to judge but i remember my mom telling me how gay he looked in them. it was silly. i tried them on once. i still don't know if he understands how much those things meant to me. there were days where he smiled in those shorts. there were others that he might have cried. and he let me try them on. for whatever reason. maybe that i don't understand either, but i think it's because he loved me.

he had a dog named archie. first name drop, woo-hoo! i have a weird connection with all animals and they are always very quick to give me love. it's like they have a sixth sense for a damaged soul. but archie always liked me. there would be points where all of us would gather to eat at the table and he would sit at everyone's side waiting for a bite of food to drop. it was cute. archie had a specific chair in the front left room of the home. i'm pretty sure the chair was brown, but archie always liked to bark at passerby's, birds, vehicles, and other dogs. so pretty much everything. it was absolutely adorable. my boy would sometimes get annoyed and yell his name whenever arhice would get too loud, which was also bittersweet. there were a few times where my boy and i decided to take a step outside onto his balcony and archie would always follow along. one time i was petting archie and i somehow found every single spot he enjoyed being pet in. it happened in seconds. i'm pretty good at that. it was funny, his family didn't even know about some of the spots beforehand. every time i entered the door, there was a brief minute-long intermission where archie would get all riled up because someone unfamiliar had come home, but he would always eventually remember me. i wonder if he'd remember me now. i wonder if i'll ever be there again. i wonder if i'll ever see his fur grow to it's full length. i wonder if i'll ever see the big plant that hangs over their couch or the even bigger plant outside that can't stand up straight on windy days. i wonder if he'll ever see what he meant to me.

oh, did i mention his name was parker? i remember my friend lyndsay telling me that she didn't like his name, but i loved it. i loved it because it was pretty and i loved him. he was pretty. i loved saying it. i loved saying it to my mom, my dad, to myself, and to him. i still do. i still repeat his name in my head and all of the memories come flooding in like the last moments of life when the DMT spreads throughout your body and you remember the things that you loved. i love parker.

there were a few gifts that i got him throughout our time together. he loved my neighbor totoro, another ghibli movie that i showed him, and for the marking of our first month together i got him a cat bus plushy. he loved it. alongside that i got him a hot pink "DM does GB" hat because he liked the office. so did i. i don't know if he knows, but i bought two so we could match. we were never able to. after the lizzy show, he showed me a shirt from the tour that he really wanted. when we entered the line, we noticed that the shirt wasn't on display and probably wasn't being sold. he told me that he checked the site often to see if it was restocked. one day i had randomly happened to check and it was available. i don't think me checking was random and i bought it for him. i almost said nothing and delivered it to his house, but i couldn't contain myself and told him within the hour of buying it. i'm pretty sure he adored it. god, i love him. there was a bracelet i let him keep, too. he took it off my wrist once and put it on his. it never left. i wonder where it is now. there was another gift that i gave him, but i'll talk about it later, because it feels too important to put here.

parker had an app on his phone that allowed him to change the colors of his light bulbs to whatever he wanted. one night, he changed the color of the lightbulb that sat in the lamp that rested on his nightstand to red. there was something soothing about it. perhaps it was just the way i felt. as i write this, though, that red light still lingers with me. my keyboard is lit red now. there's a little light i have on top of my computer that adorns a part of my room in red light. i didn't have it set that way before. that same night, i was having trouble sleeping and kept dozing off and coming back. i don't quite remember, but i think there were multiple times where he would climb up in bed with me to put me back to rest. he would scratch my head and tell me he loved me. but one thing he said stood out. i didn't remember it initially, but i do now. i remember how it felt. he told me that he was going to stay with me forever. forever. what a weird concept. i remember imagining us at 50 with cats and kids and a nice home on a quiet farm. i imagined the first time we would move all of the furniture in our new apartment and how good the sleep would be after. i imagined the rain pounding on the porch while we sat and lived together in harmony. if i could go back, i would roll over, look in his eyes, cry, give him a warm hug, and wish to him that he would never leave. i really wish he didn't.

his room was hot. his brother, peyton, had moved out some time before and he was planning to move his belongings into the room which he previously resided in. there were a few times where we explored the things in peyton's room. parker knew how much i loved pokemon cards, because i did, and he handed me a binder filled with cards his brother collected when they were kids. i remember walking into his brother's room. to the left were two wooden shelving systems, each distinct from each other, with mementos and toys of sorts scattered across their surfaces. toward the middle of the room, right under the skylights that lit it, was a big bean bag chair that i sat on while i explored. peyton's old bed was on the right side of the room. i would have loved to sleep there with parker at least once. i wish i could have lived the life where i decorated that room with him.

i remember the first time parker came into my room. there was a blanket that my mom made me. i think it's perfect, because it's always just right. it's never too hot or too cold, because from the way it's crocheted, it has holes that allow cold air to soothe your body. he loved that blanket just as much as me. every time he came over he would be wrapped in it. it's like he knew how much it meant. i still know how the blankets on his bed feel. when i imagine it, i can see myself there all over again, looking up in the morning because i would wake up before parker's alarm that reminded him that his dad went to work and he could climb in bed with me for a while. around that time, archie would come storming into his room and jump on the bed looking for parker, but it was me and he would get confused until he eventually found and laid with parker again. parker had a bunk bed. he never slept on the top bunk, but i'm pretty sure it's because he had clothes and other items on the mattress. on the bottom of the top bunks bedframe, there were stickers that parker placed there when he was a kid. i always made a trailed pattern with my finger because there was a distinct shape that the randomly placed stickers made. i don't know why i remember stuff like this, but it was beautiful. i was sleeping in the place he had for his entire life. and yet i laid awake, just waiting for the moment when i'd hear his voice and feel his arms coat my body. it was in that same bed that i said the words "i love you" to him for the first time. i cried a few minutes earlier because of reasons i won't get into, but essentially for something i was wrong for. he forgave me and i told him i loved him. because i did. it was wonderful. it's like my life became more colorful and i could see clearly again. like i was a kid, just for a moment, staring at what i had become and being so proud for letting my guard down. it was the first time i'd ever done so completely.

he had a friend group dubbed "the eight." i wanted to be the ninth. it caught me off guard the first time i met his friends. he had brought it up earlier in the day but i think i was initially hoping that plans would go awry. not because i didn't want to meet them, but because i was so nervous. these were the people that influenced him and who have known him for so much longer than me. what would they think? how would i know what to say? but i did fine. i eventually warmed up to the idea and we headed to claire's house. claire was with gavin and carter was with cate. dylan was quiet and caleb hadn't known parker was gay. i'm sure he did, but wasn't told until a small time after that night. noah was another friend there, one whom parker was extremely close with, and who was also very sweet. claire's house was gorgeous. though for some reason, michigan has obnoxiously large spiders. considerably larger than ohio's. i'm sure it's because of it's closeness to many bodies of water and whatnot, but we encountered multiple massive spiders that night. meeting his friends turned out to be really nice. a lot of the time that's how things work for me; i overwork my brain by being afraid of things and they turn out harmless. maybe i shouldn't be scared of spiders. i saw parker in every single one of his friends and every single one of them in parker. they were all so in sync. i felt at home. like i could crack a joke and they would all understand and laugh. i felt truly heard, valued, and accepted for the first time ever. it was nice. no, it was much more than nice. it was everything. in that late evening, we played a game of hide-and-go-seek tag. like kids. it was awesome. if you had asked my friends to play anything remotely similar, you'd get ridiculed. but we were kids, so we played for about an hour, and were all eventually found. claire and cate were the seekers and the rest of us boys split into teams. i remember the bittersweet silent moments i'd have with dylan when we'd disconnect with parker. i remember trying not to laugh at points and hesitating to do so, leaving it under my breath. dylan and i eventually got tagged because we were trapped in a loop by claire and cate. i was just following if i'm being honest. parker was disconnected from us by that point but was found later. the few times him and i laughed about it together, he wished we would have followed him. i do too. maybe if i followed him that night, i could have told him everything i never got to say, and things would have turned out different. that's how it works, right? we ended the night with deeper discussions about one another and smore's. parker made mine. it was delicious. he loved me. i loved him. his friends loved me. i loved them. it had felt like we spent a beautiful life together and we were celebrating our experiences, but it was only an introduction. it was august thirteenth that evening. parker and i observed gavin attempt his first back flip until we decided to head home around midnight. i knew i was going to ask him that day. we had only been talking beforehand, but thirteen was always unlucky for me. and historically, i suppose. the thirteenth year of my life had been my worst. parker knew that. on the way home, at exactly 12:00, we passed over a railroad track as frank ocean's 'white ferrari' surrounded us. it was my favorite song ever. parker knew that. he was my favorite person ever. parker knew that. right then, i told something tender that i had never told anyone before and then asked, "would you be my boyfriend, parker scott beard." and he replied, "yes." and he was my boyfriend. and we were in love. and the evening was perfect. and that moment was even better.

how close i was to the rest of my life. how i could stare at him and be observing my future. how i cried like a baby the second i got home the following day because i loved him more than i had ever loved anyone before. more than i loved my mom. how i wept because i knew where the moles were on his back. because i loved every second i spent with him. because our love was unconditional and i still feel the same. because i loved him in between each second when our eyes would blink and he would disappear from my perception, since in those moments, i would still see him. because i loved the perfect pigmented pattern his irises would spiral out in from his pupils, and because i loved the little spot in his lower back that would make his nerves activate and his muscles reflex with the slightest pressure. because i loved the way he loved. because i loved when we laid together and listened to the risk of rain 2 soundtrack, 'the rain formerly known as purple' in specific. because i loved the way he spoke to me and loved his actions even more. because i loved how he made me hot chocolate that night and did my dishes after. because i loved how he wore those red shorts. because i loved when he would get annoyed with me. because i loved when he would belly laugh as we wrestled. because i loved how he would stare endlessly into the screen as ghibli movies played, so captivatingly entertained. because i loved watching him watch. because i loved the hat he wore with the logo from his work whenever he'd take a shift. because i loved how he looked at me during the lizzy concert. because i loved when he'd climb up in bed with me. because i loved how he made everything feel okay. because i loved that time we stared at one another in his parent's shower as cigarettes after sex played on the speaker, eventually drowned under shower water. because i loved the picture i took before the text he sent after. because i loved how i made him feel. because i loved the dumb fireworks some random family set up at the administration building across my house after an evening of swimming. because i loved lethal company nights with him and kiera. because i loved our little goodnight conversations after. because i loved our phasmophobia nights, even when he would die and make me try to survive. because i loved the chick fil a meals we shared. because i loved the dinners with his parents and how i saw him in parts of them. because i loved the taste of his slushy i took a sip of after the movie we saw. because i loved that sunset we watched with one another as the wind swayed against us so perfectly. because i loved the playlist i remade for him on apple music since he didn't like spotify. because i loved how i was never much of a cryer until i met him. because i loved how the universe was telling me that he was the one. because i loved that he was the one. because i loved the first time i saw him and still see myself standing in sara and paul's driveway. because i loved the tender things he told me in the hot tub that night. because i loved when he grabbed my hand on the way home while i had anxiety from an allergic reaction, telling me that everything would be okay. because i loved the peace between us then. because i loved that he was my peace. because i loved when i gave him the first thing i ever painted that same morning, knowing that he was a pure representation of every good part of me, wrapped into a single beautiful being. because i knew he was my other half. because i loved and remembered every single word and every single moment. and how i cry now, because i loved him and might have taken it all for granted.

parker, someday i'm going to die. all of my cells will be released into the earth, dispersed across the universe, form into something new, and eventually become part of the stars again. we are just dust. yet all of those cells, the same ones which created me, will always remember you. hopefully we can grow and sit down for lunch on a random sunday and forgive one another and put everything behind us. hopefully we can learn to love each other again. hopefully it's soon. i will always love you. in a month, in a year... forever. so will my dust that eventually forms a star. you are my white ferrari. thank you. for the ride. for everything.

everything.

max

[pluto1020]

the air is getting crisp, my sweet little winter.

[pluto1020]

i wonder if he still cries about me too