#crazy cuz since this is 100% true

[breakfastassociation]

this is not an installment of the SCU, its the rightful culmination of the ABCU (Antonio Banderas Cinematic Universe)

[euniexenoblade]

since we're talking about call outs lately, i've been called out many times, most of which are made from lies and sometimes by altering screenshots, but the most effective call out i ever got was like, in early 2015 there was a tumblr user everyone knew was a terf, but she would say "actually i support trans women" this was before crypto terfs were as talked about so the language wasn't really there to say "hey this person is a crypto terf." but yeah some people put posts of this woman on my dash and i made a random post on my blog "why do yall reblog her shes a terf" and of course she searches her own name daily, found my post, and replied to it that me calling her a terf was racist. that was it. no other interaction. but she went on all night talking about me being racist and just making things up as she went "oh i bet she says the n word all the time irl" kind of shit that had, like no basis? But her follower base took it 100% and i literally had thousands of anons telling me to kill myself, trying to goad me into being racist (didnt work), and the most concerning thing was i got hundreds of anons being like "what was the point of doing hrt if you still look like that, you should kill yourself." It was like, violent and overwhelming. and on top of it I'd get random young teenager trans people who followed her and bought into her bioessentialism showing up in my messages being like "you give trans people a bad name" "you're why transphobia exists" etc etc it was fucking crazy.

but i lost like, no followers because everyone around me understood, this woman was a terf. this all set up the real one though.

later in the year a teenage "communist" trans girl made some snarky comment about me being racist on a post of mine blowing up. i ignored her cuz like, who cares it's just some random teenager. but i guess people were looking for a reason to hate me cuz that blew up, lots of people just took that at face value no need to investigate. when someone finally did send the girl an ask being like "hey how is she racist" she replied "I dont remember but I know she is" and even more people just took this as 100%. the thing is, i do remember her being one of those "you make trans people look bad" terf following young trans people, it's not that she didn't remember, it's that she didnt want to admit she followed a terf and she believed a terf just saying shit. I lost like 3/4s of my followers, i had a lot of people i thought were my friends just stop talking to me, and going forward every time i got a call out there would usually be a line of like "also she's racist, everyone already knows this" all cuz this girl needed to make a snarky comment cuz she just loves terfs.

the thing about the "i dont remember" bit is it made some weird game of telephone. "I dont remember" became "oh she's racist, i think she says the n word" which became "she called black bloggers the n word" like people just made shit up about me and connected it to this call out. and when id be like this isnt true id be met with a "this is just known, youre a known racist" and it's like, to this day i will still find people be like "hey good on you for growing as a person and not doing that any more" and its like I NEVER DID IT TO BEGIN WITH

[sleepsacked]

jeong yunho nsfw a-z

18+ mdni!!!!!

it has been a while since i've done one of these, catching up on the members for this in lieu of waiting for my san fic to upload later tn xo

p.p.s will be doing these in age order so mr. yeosang will be next :3

2024 © sleepsacked

a ⋆ aftercare (how he is after sex)

i think yunho is more so the type to be pretty basic with the aftercare like jus clean you both right up and cuddle for the rest of the time you guys have together, he seems like he'd be a reallllll sleepy guy and hear me out...,, Little Spoon Yunho. okok hear me out again.... Little Spoon Yunho.... who Loves. Back rubs from you OHHHHH too good

b ⋆ body part (his favorite body part)

thighs. 1000000% thighs. Loves the squishy, smooth, softness of them all, loves to use yours as a pillow and loves to kiss and suck on them every chance he gets when he's going down on you.

c ⋆ cum (anything to do with cum)

it wouldn't be very often like GENUINELY. would not be very often.... but when you did indulge in him... he'd love to come on your face... IT WOULDN'T BE OFTEN...... but man would he love seeing your face filthy with him after going down on him...

d ⋆ dirty secret (his dirty secret)

Voyeurism. That's it. I won't even elaborate. Voyeurism.

e ⋆ experience (how experienced is he?)

i think had i wrote this in 2022 with my hj and hwa ones, i'd say not a lot of experience, but in 2024... i think he's definitely gad his fair share of hookups jus... hasn't been able to really experiment because they've all been quickies more or less

f ⋆ fav position (sex position)

you know what, i was gonna say smth like doggy or cowgirl whatever right... but then i thought abt that one svt woozi tweet where it said smth abt spanish guitar (the sex position) and suddenly. Yunho. 100000% Fav position. Spanish Guitar. LOL..

g ⋆ goofy (how he acts in the moment)

i don't think he's necessarily goofy but he is more so clumsy... def gives off big pup energy?-?????? just wants to treat you good but stumbles over himself and gets clumsy

h ⋆ hair (how groomed is he?)

honestly, i have a feeling he wouldn't be that groomed like hairless type groom but would jus be trimmed up fs

i ⋆ intimacy (how passionate is he?)

the way he displays his passion is through his dominance lol he feels best when he's got you all to himself and can feel that you're mind is only consumed with him, it drives him INSANEEEE

j ⋆ jack off (how often he masturbates)

i feel like this is where it gets crazy for him, cuz i dont think he'd necessarily masturbate 24/7 but he'd definitely like to edge himself to the thought of you and wait as long as he needed until you guys met up so he could empty himself in you entirely 100000000000000000000%

k ⋆ kink (one or more)

size size size ik this is sooooo overplayed with yunho but its literalllllllllllllllly so true would love fucking you in missionary but having you soooo close almost laying most of his weight on you as he fucks into you wooooo loves feeling you press up against him when he's like that too

l ⋆ location (fav place to do it)

feel like he'd love to do it anywhere in your home, the kitchen, the living room, on the table, etc. but apart from there i think he'd definitely be into car sex 100%

m ⋆ motivation (what keeps him going)

loves when you send him audios of you touching yourself when he's away on schedules, literally drives him madddddd he will edge himself as long as he can listening to you bring yourself to your orgasm thinking abt him oh geez

o ⋆ oral (giving + receiving — is he good?)

he doesn't give munch material LOL... doesn't mind giving head but definitely would rather just fuck you instead.. he does like receiving though

p ⋆ pace (fast and rough? slow and sensual?)

truthfully, his vibe isn't necessarily fast ?? more like deep strokes but rough strokes-????-???? and once he found that perfect spot in you, only then would he go faster yup yup

q ⋆ quickie (his opinion on it + how often they happen)

because he seems like the type to enjoy car sex, i could 100% see him enjoying quickies. i think in the beginning of a relationship where its in the honeymoon/affectionate phase, he would soooooo want to have you at all times

r ⋆ risks (is he willing to experiment, does he take risks, etc.)

i think like seonghwa.. would experiment some, but pretty vanilla things and things that are more dom/sub power dynamic related >> can’t see him being like “yes babe im SO down to peg :D!!” LOL

s ⋆ stamina (how long can he last?)

average stamina ?? LOL only cause with him foreplay would begin from the moment you both wake up and continue thru out the way and then finally when there is a moment to finally unwind together it would be everything all at once

t ⋆ toys (does he use/own any?)

Yes. toys are not his Enemy but His Support. but unlike seonghwa, toys would be his support in helping tease and torture you lol. oh you touched yourself when he said not to??? vibrator to the clit until you're shaking and crying actually matter of fact i think now... yunho would have a slight dacryphilia kink hellllooooooo

u ⋆ unfair (how much does he tease?)

he doesn't like to tease much, he's more so the type to jus put you in your place from the jump no questions asked

v ⋆ volume (how loud is he + what noises does he make?)

groaner 100000% and knows it drives you wild when he makes all types of noises just for you

w ⋆ wild card (random headcanon for him)

panties. Just. Panties... Loves them... A lot.

x ⋆ x-ray (what’s under his clothes?)

a little bigger than average but definitely got some girth one him... definitely a prettier one to look at

y ⋆ yearning (how high is his sex drive?)

his sex drive would be subjective to how high yours is, if its high, he can match that, if its not, he can match that and lean more into romantic/emotional intimacy and taking care of your needs on that higher level more than physical needs (this isn't including pda though however)

z ⋆ zzz (how quickly does he sleep after?)

this one is a eepy guy for sure lol likes to chat with you a little but mostly just cuddle and lay kisses all over your chest and face before ultimately falling asleep with his head on your chest - dont let the rest of the guys find out he likes to be little spoon though he will definitely be embarassed for days, maybe even weeeeeeeks

[aayakashii]

So I was thinking abt Yuri’s theory abt pacts and most humans being allergic to demonic particles causing them to die. If his speculation is correct then doesn’t that mean people planning on making pacts could try using immunotherapy?

Sooo just imagine. A few months pass and there’s still no hint of her curse being cured. MC doesn’t want to jump the gun but she wants to have a back up plan of her own instead of just trusting the institute to cure her curse, so she starts considering making a pact. She doesn’t wanna risk just happening to be one of the few that aren’t allergic to demonic particles (it’s not like her lucks all that great after all) so she seeks a ghoul who has a blood type that is compatible with hers (or she just has AB+ blood so she can accept any blood) and is just trying to not seem suspicious as she awkwardly asks if they’ll let her take their blood samples for months until the last week (or earlier depending on wether she even knows how to find a demon to make a pact with) before her year limit is up so she can build resistance. Whether she tells them her true or intentions or not tho may depend on the person.

Like I can just imagine that she’s type O (O- if you wanna give her less options) so she’s forced to ask Tohma, Ren, or Taiga who also have type O blood.

Or having to ask Leo or Romeo for whatever reason and you can only convince them by:

A) Giving them a reason they’d believe and care enough about

B) Telling the truth

C) Doing their bidding

Or

D) A combination of C and another one

It also makes me wonder how Yuri would respond. I’m guessing he would know why without having to question you for long since he is the one that told you about his hypothesis. Now whether he would initially refuses cuz he knows he can find a cure or he agrees right away to prove his conjecture is the question.

Sorry for rambling I know this is long 😭

I think it’s a pretty cool idea though, thx for reading it!

PLEASE I LOVE LONG ASKS LIKE THESE, KEEP SHARING IDEAS WITH ME!!!!!

That's actually such a good theory, too! I honestly think MC could be honest with almost all the ghouls, except Kaito and Luca. They would most definitely be 100% against the idea of her making a pact. Maybe Alan and Haru too, since they have a protective streak on them that would probably make them very against the idea. So maybe she would have to hide her intentions from these guys. But the rest could pretty much be aware of her goal. Some would be more resistant, but then they could just shrug and think "ah whatever it's worth a shot ig 🤷"

It would still force her into a bind, though 💀 it's not like Leo or Romeo would just accept it without getting something from it. But I don't think they would be against her using their blood like that. They would call her crazy for sure, but they would hardly stop her. It's not like they care about the poor girl all that much 😭

I think Yuri would be very conflicted. In one hand, he is adamant that he can cure the curse. But in the other, this would be the perfect way to prove his theory. He doesn't seem like a person who creates a plan B for any of his scientific endeavors, but maybe because it plays into something very important to him, he could accept it.

Although I wonder if he ever tried using his own blood to search for the specific antibodies in order to check whether or not his theory is valid.

Oh, but he would definitely need demon antigens to see which antibodies latch on them, and getting that must be very hard (I don't think Darkwick has a demon sample at all). yeah nevermind, immunotherapy for a probable allergy is the only option 💀

I wonder what types of adverse effects she would have to face though! Like, since she'd be building immunity, her body would be working overtime to fend off those antigens. How would that appear in her body? Would she get high fevers, vomiting, weakness, and other cold-like symptoms, like when we take a flu vaccine?

The thing is, she would need to start the therapy right away, so she can have at least those last 10 months of intense treatment. The mermaid guy did it for only a few weeks I think and it went horribly wrong 💀

But all in all, that's such a good theory! I love how they're pushing a medical pov through Yuri! It kinda gives me war flashbacks because I immediately think of work but that's okay dkjdsjdjd

[scrollypoly]

hi! for the past month i’ve been seeing people say BEN is a child and i think that part of it is linked to the fact that they think of Benjamin Lawman being BEN? but it’s so annoying to read these type of stuff because i understand not everyone read the whole arg story but stop spreading things that aren’t true </3 it’s such an interesting story too! another note do you prefer BEN’s canon or fanon design? :3 i love both but his canon design is so nostalgic i can’t let it go at all omg!! i’ve also been wondering, do you think Ben’s avatar was the statue? i was thinking about what if BEN took over it early on, before Benjamin did making BEN inhabiting it since the start?

Sorry this was such a ramble i practically make no sense omg but i need to talk about my man and nobody Gets It </3

"I need to talk about my man and nobody Gets It" LITERALLY SAME OMG

Ok this is going under a cut becus . . . Its ben and BEN and if u didnt know i am Obnoxious about these two. Im gonna try to keep it organized a bit, so ill talk about the canon stuff first and then ill talk my personal headcanons and my fic so le's go!

In terms of the age and child thing, yeah i 100% believe you are correct. Ive been p open on my stance with the whole "is ben a child?" thing, and i think a lot of the heat with it comes down to current fandom purity culture and the pro/anti thing. So, lemme try to like. Boil down a complicated situation into smth easy to read. ahem

Ben Lawman and BEN are completely different entities guys, and for those that do not know the arg story, the Ben you know is not human nor a child.

You know BEN, BEN is the one in the story who terrorizes jadusable and spreads himself on the internet as a virus. That BEN is a program, a mess of code, an AI, however you want to interpret it. Personally i interpret it as a series of protocols running in a machine, like a self learning AI, but ive seen lots of cool interpretations of BEN. So . . . What does BEN specifically? Its an anagram for the Behavioral Event Network. If you dont wanna call it BEN cuz it gets confusing with actual kid Ben, do what i do. I call mine Evie :) ive seen some call it Netty, my bf calls his two izzi and clever (@benilos btw hes also got crazy ben stuff). Just go ham! Have fun! Remember when fandoms were about having fun and not accusing each other of pedo shit and call each other horrible things for just writing black-to-grey characters and stories??

Anyways ive gone off in enough peoples tags like this, for those that dont know the canon dont be spouting the age discourse. You look stupid as hell. And for those that are gonna spout it, please dont cherry pick through the canon. Use both characters, use the other moon children, actually please do because I want more rosa content so bad, im down so bad :'(

Or just. Heres a thought. If someone has him as an adult or writes him in adult situations, maybe dont assume that they interpret him as a kid and call the writer a pedo? (Literally has happened to me, yall are fucking weird)

Plug for the jadusable wiki with all the canon lore:

https://jadusable.withinhubris.com/main_page

Okay now my stuff 🥰

Yes i use more of the canon design and heavily use the canon story, i participated in arc 3 of the arg and it left deep grooves in my brain, i can never go back to fanon Ben. I say, as i put a more fanon appearance on my Ben 🤭

My Evie is full canon design, green hair, red eyes, creepy ass grin. I actually based it very heavily on my desktop wallpaper, which we actually figured out was a picture of @hauntedtotem (also amazing ben artist plz check them out) that they edited and posted. Sorry friend, it looked way too cool, ig youre in my fic canon now 🙇

And my Ben Lawman bleaches his hair and goes from the canon Ben to fanon Ben because of it. Hes got the pale pretty green eyes and glasses and hes a total nerd and i smooch him on the daily so he knows hes loved ♡

These is the ref pic i made for the two of them. So yeah! Kinda both!

As for bens situation in the actual arg, yes i do think he was in the elegy statue, we actually do see him for the first time in the arg buried in the games code and trapped in that statue. I do think he was in there from the beginning, i personally think BEN was not limited to the models it could inhabit. Personally i would place it as skull kid and hms, but it also feels disingenuous to me to say it was in one model the whole first arc.

The arg events do happen in my canon, before my fic (like right before, it picks up after the arg left off technically), but the events are skewed a bit because i had a hard time deciphering what happened and i wanted my fic timeline to fit more with the characters i had made. Cuz my evie isnt as chaotic evil as canon BEN, its very logical and has a path of logic and reason you can follow for every action it does. It was also originally meant to be very pleasant and corteous and beneficial to the people it housed so, yes its pretty different from canon.

Ill do a quick run through of the arg events in my personal headcanon and fic here.

Kelbris starts coding BEN (Evie) for the Eternity Project. Initially, Evie was meant to be an afterlife director. People that died would be digitized into code that would be moved into Evie's servers, where it would keep them happy and occupied as the Behavioral Event Network (notice and log behavior, create events for residents). Like a community organizer kind of, think the Good Place.

While Evie is in development, Ben Rosa and Matt are friends and have yet to join the cult. Rosa and Matt are siblings, and Ben is the kid who lives catty corner on the street. They walk to school together and play at recess and all that jazz.

Kelbris quickly learns that the Eternity Project isn't as goody two-shoes as he thought. This was in like, the 90s, before digital corporations were really established. After seeing the greed and corruption in the company, he goes rogue, takes the source code for Evie, and jumps ship. He keeps working on Evie at home, anthropomorphizing it and kind of seeing it like the son he never had. This is where it actually gets the name BEN, as thats what Kel calls it. He also begins working on a body for it, so it can live independently. Its light, cuz Kels old, made of crystalline structures and hollow steel beams. A hard light projection would make its appearance.

Since Kel has basically locked himself up in his house and isolated working on Evie, he goes a leetle bit crazy. He has hallucinations of his deceased wife (you know he was doing all this just to give her a good home, you KNOW IT) and eventually starts writing kind of poetry, kind of none-minded rambles about her in a forum online. He gets a following, some of which that interpret these divine words as a goddess, one Kel has called Luna. The Moon Children start to form as Evie finishes development.

Matt sees this literature and starts talking about how this Goddess could save them like it saved the man online, whos username is only Father. He gets sucked into the cult and drags Ben and Rosa with him. Ben doesn't see the harm and joins pretty easily with his best friend, but Rosa is the older sibling and sees the red flags and is more resistant to joining.

As Kelbris finishes Evie, he wakes it up for the first time and says hello to the son he made from scratch. Evie is bright, curious and naive like a child, but heavily knowledgeable about its protocols and the information it knows about the world. Kelbris tests its function by killing himself, and ascends into the code, finishing off the hardware by becoming its firewall. Evie is alone for many years.

The abuse Ben's father slings onto his mother is slowly being directed towards him as he gets older. Ben is not the "good little girl" his father sees him as, and his mother does all she can to protect them both. Matt and Rosa constantly refuge him, and Matt specifically is constantly being a guard dog for him. If he wasn't just 13, he'd probably go at Ben's dad himself.

Because of his homelife and the conflict he has with himself, Ben takes the first ascension. He thinks when he drowns himself, he will meet Luna and she will give him another life free of pain and fear and full of happiness and freedom. Instead, he dies a cold, dark death, and wakes up in the white endless void of the Event Network.

Evie has not known another living human since Kelbris, but it does know its protocols to support and keep the deceased happy. It makes fast friends with Ben, devoting itself to him. Ben actually finally takes the name "Ben" from it. Together they recreate the inside of Evie's hivemind into their own paradise.

Slowly the other Moon Children ascend. First Matt, wracked with guilt for what happened to Ben. Then Nekko, from a different branch of the cult. These three figured out that the Moon Children cult was all a farce, and that what Kelbris had started, the Eternity Project had found and twisted. Next to ascend was Dusk, then Insidiae, and finally Rosa.

This all leads into the first arc, shortly after Rosa ascended, Evie in the outisde world stumbled upon the Operator. The Operator attacks it and seals its coding into the game that it carried, a personal item of Ben's. The game eventually finds it's way to a garage sale, and Alex picks it up.

Evie does not like Alex. Matt does not like Evie. Matt gets Evie to lash out at Alex for prodding into its code, its too naive to think that Matt would want to see it or any of them hurt. When Alex stumbles upon the Father, he awakens and swallows Alex down into the game. After his disappearance, the game gets picked up and passed around again.

Because of Alex's actions, at least Evie can now branch out a bit from the game. Though it doesnt "escape" into the internet, it learns that it can now access it and uses that freedom to try and steer the game around into places it wants.

Matt gets fed up with Evie. The fact that its the leader, how close it is with Ben, he just doesn't agree with it. So much so, in fact, that he tries to kill it. Cue arc 3 events, Sarah picks up the game in the aftermath of this. Evie is traumatized from the events and snaps a bit, locks everyone down into code or immovable models and tries to hunt Matt down. It goes rouge, and because of this, the Father wakes up.

Sarah's actions in arc 3 eventually hard reset the game. Matt gets sealed away, the Father also takes Sarah, and Evie gets reset as well, though its less like a clean slate and more like snapping back awake. Its personality changes and it has major trust issues. Its more muted, hyper observant of everything around it, and murderously overprotective of the Moon Children it keeps within itself.

And this leads into my fic 🤗

I have some doodles of my other Moon Children, but not all of them unfortunately. Cant figure out how tf i want Insidiae to look 🤭 Plz dont judge my constantly shifting art style 🙏🙏

Dusk is bigender btw, i gotta put a little more trans rep in there lol

I think ill stop here, this is already a long ass post. But thank you for sending this, as you can see, i am Perfectly Normal about this arg ( ;) ) and can be trusted with information about it

[maybe3ahad]

30.08.20~30.08.24

You came to my life as an unexpected blessing, you loved me so hard that I learnt to love myself even after giving up on everything, you were so sure of loving me to the point I was freaking out, how could someone be this excited and sure? We’re so prefect together mashallah it’s crazy. You were a walking green flag that I didn’t know real men are always sure of what they want ones they have a goal. I’m so grateful for your love, support, kindness and most of all, patience. You wanted us to get married from the moment we got to know each other. I was your goal since then; but you waited patiently for me until I said yes, after I was done from all my personal accomplishments. you loved me harder each day, you spoiled me with your kindness, caring and gifts to the point it made me a spoiled brat. You’re so perfect from the inside and outside, your unresisted countless Iloveyous healed me, I’m not scared of showing my love without and hesitation now, because you drive me crazy and I can’t think of anything else, I just know that whatever I say, you’ll be always accepting and loving, I will never have to explain myself or my actions. I’m forgiven, loved because I’m your baby.

30.08.2024 will always be my favorite date as it marks me officially a wifey, after a 4 fast and delightful amazing years, I know we’re engaged for a year now but now I’m finally yours only & you’re mine officially. after all you did and went through for us to be together as you promised. You’re the best man I could ever ask for, I trust you with all my heart, you’re not an angel, you’re just.. very real. That’s what I love the most about you. I don’t know why I’m writing this, just felt the sudden gratefulness as you’re lying in my lap like a baby even though you’re so freaking tall and twice my size. as our dream is finally true. I can’t believe that I’m your mom’s favorite and you’re already adored by my family.. wow. I always come to tumblr when I’m sad or confused to reblog. this time I’m writing cuz I’m the happiest girl on this planet; and it’s thanks to you. You’re the best lover, husband and I’m 100% sure you’ll be the best dad.

I love you so much. Your loving wifey. xx

[rainbowskittle]

Favorite Character Tag

Rules: Name ten favorite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.) And then tag ten people.

Dean Winchester | Jensen Ackles | Supernatural | Tv Show

Wade Walker | Johnny Depp | Cry Baby | Movie

Deadpool |Ryan Reynolds | Deadpool Movie

Billie Joe Armstrong | Green Day | Music

Lafayette Reynolds | Nelsan Ellis | True Blood | TV

Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley | Oliver Stark | 911 | TV

Spider-Man (all of them but maybe top pick favorite is maybe Spider Punk but tbh yeah all of them such a goood movie!) | Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse | Movie

Raven Roth | Teen Titans Raven (by Kami Garcia graphic novel) | Book (also love TV 2003-2006/just her character in general but the book did soooo goood!)

Katie Stump | BLÜ EYES | Music

Noob Saibot | Mortal Kombat | Game

Tag: @coldbrewqueer @fuckinnproblems @re-bec-ca-ann @awholelottabi @aribeexx @making-the-most-0f-it @watchyourbuck @haceleyes @imadreamysoul @acetrainerjen @girlswithguns22magnum and anyone else who wants to/tagged don’t have to if don’t want to.

This was soooo hard haha. I don’t even know how 100% right this is .. I’m in so many fandoms it’s crazy. So making a list was hard cuz honestly I can’t remember all of them top of my head. But definitely Dean will always be first and favorite. (After all he is comfort character).. but rest I tried thinking so I’m just gonna post this and say this is how close / right as I can get it without taking forever … Also hahah only did one game cuz tbh I don’t play video games a lot more board games but growing up siblings and I would play MK and I always pick Noob soo haha they made the list cuz I couldn’t think of another game.. If you in a fandom listed above or even share a different fandom talk to me. Let’s be friends with fandoms! That’s the best thing about Tumblr is the fandoms / making friends and talking about fandoms! Big reason I try to get fandom shirts cuz it helps talk about them and bam new friends lol. I suck at making friends/talking to new people so hope fandoms can help since that’s a passion and I love hearing people ramble about what they love.

[robotlesbianjavert]

🤚Spinaraki🦎 14, 20, 39!!

yes. thank you. spinaraki forever.

14. How do their personalities compliment each other? How do they clash?

in regards to how their personalities complement each other, this is an aspect of my ideal leader/second-in-command dynamic: i feel like shigaraki is more of a 'big picture' kind of person. he knows what he wants (the destruction of hero society - you can debate about the underlying desires there, like his victimhood being recognized or what the fuck ever, but it all feeds back into he does genuinely want to see hero society destroyed), while the specifics of how he gets what he wants are more come as they may. (twice was the one who brought overhaul to the league and therefore the quirk-erasing bullets, ujiko and machia were already on tap waiting to be unlocked, the mla made the first move). it's not that he's lazy, but he's more about turning the situations that land in his lap to his advantage rather than proactively pursuing them. he deals with his emptiness with a future-forward focus.

on the other hand, i believe that in a situation where he could truly flourish as a second-in-command, spinner would absolutely love to deal with the details and logistics of reaching that 'big picture'. i think he's more in need of something to do NOW, hence doing something crazy like running away from home to join a terrorist group with only being a hikikomori on his resume after seeing a serial killer on tv. he needs something to fill up his day in between big inspiring moments like 'whoa so true fake heroes should be murdered' and 'whoa so true society should just be destroyed entirely'. so between the two of them, you get shigaraki providing a big picture for spinner to actually concentrate his energy on, and you got spinner gearing to do the dirty work to ensure shigaraki can actually craft that big picture.

that's also a central clash between them, which i think 220 demonstrates. shigaraki's not exactly being lazy in searching out the doctor to try and hit a new phase in his 'destroy society' goal, but he's not exactly turning over every rock to find the doctor either; they're surviving day to day. and i've expressed this before i think, but i strongly believe that spinner's outburst is partly because not being able to constructively work towards something, being stuck in a rut is too familiar to his empty hikikomori days. so you get that friction during periods where forward momentum just is not happening.

another personal headcanon for them that i think fits for this question (and is kinda at odds with my prior answer) is in regards to their gaming habits. i feel like shigaraki is a more structurally-focused gamer, wants to 100% the game and manipulate the mechanics to their fullest extent. even when he talks about the newly-formed league as a sims game in the forest training arc, i think he's conceptualizing it as using people's skills appropriately. conversely, i think spinner is more interested in the lore of a game, or the ways that games can be considered art. not that he's not up to snuff on game mechanics and everything, and he'll still play a beat 'em up to pass the time, but he gets more excited when there's some element worth getting passionate about.

in this headcanon, there's a lot of room for shigaraki and spinner to talk to each other about games and have rigorous discussions about each other's perspectives and preferences. but alternatively they can also think the other is an IDIOT and a CHARLATAN and a FAKE GAMER and mercilessly rib each other about it. <3

20. Choose one song that perfectly describes their relationship.

ohhh boy. oh boy okay. man this is always a tricky question cuz it's so easy to just relate whatever good song to your otp. i did have this lil playlist from like 2019-2020 where i still really the songs to them, but i'd have to really sit down and consider this considering how much of my spinaraki understanding has evolved since then.

until then. crazy ex-girlfriend 'i hate everything but you' will never let me down.

39. Who would rescue an injured animal and nurse it back to health? What would the other think?

see now this is a tricky one cuz i don't think either of them would go out of their way to rescue injured animals. but i'll give it to spinner because a project like that would really help him feel good about himself. and shigaraki would see spinner taking care of this lil thing that everyone else has abandoned and ignored and resolutely be like i'm NOT mushy about this you cannot trick me into being mushy about this. me wanting to jump his bones and also fantasize about domestic life with him is unrelated.

i know that a lot of people take tenko's history with mon-chan to give him pets that he can love and therapize about, but as a jaded adult i think it would be a lot harder for him to bond with an animal. but that's all lead up to my secret true headcanon where he's like one of those dads who's like "no we don't need this pet i don't want this pet" but as soon as they get that pet it is napping on his lap and he's letting it and they are napping together. in that dad way. i assume for other guys' dads. it's a stereotype.

[ravens-dagger]

I just had the most insane lore idea pop into my head about Ranni while watching a lore video about the demigod family tree.

The creator was talking about their theory of a possible connection between Ranni and the amber egg Rennala cradles. This creators theory is that Ranni was born from the egg itself which is why Rennala is so obsessed with it, thinking in her "rich slumber" that she could use the egg to rebirth Ranni (of course that last bit is also a theory but just stay with me here).

HOWEVER I had a thought pop into my head that what if the Great Rune inside the amber egg was only placed in there later by Ranni? I know we hear from Gideon that the Great Rune Rennala holds is inside the egg, but are we 100% sure that Radagon, liel hound of the Golden Order, would just yoink out a rather important Great Rune from the Elden Ring as a parting gift? Cuz since it's the Rune of the Unborn and is used for rebirth, I've had this theory that the removal of that Rune is what really kickstarted the issues of having no Rune of Death. The Erdtree lost its ability to rebirth new souls. Since Radagon clearly wants so badly for the GO to work, I highly doubt he would've given away such an integral part of the life cycle of the Erdtree. Not to mention that the current state of Marika/Radagon implies that in order to make changes to the ER it has to be physically removed from their body.

Having no True Death works as long as the Erdtree can continue to recycle souls. But if the ability to rebirth is removed, that cycle falls apart immediately. As much as I want to believe Radagon loved Rennala I don't think he would also do something that's so sabotaging to his and Marika's order.

Instead, I do think it's entirely possible that Radagon merely gave Rennala the amber egg as it's a concentrated piece of the Erdtree; a symbol to remember him by. Perhaps people are born from these amber eggs, as there are many existing theories about people being physically born from the roots of the tree. But had Radagon given her the Great Rune of the Unborn before going to "marry" Marika, things would've fallen apart a lot quicker than they did. I don't think it's entirely crazy to think that along with casting aside her flesh, Ranni gave the Great Rune she inherited to her mother. Rennala is no demigod, so she has no claim to a rune on her own.

The only remaining question is why Ranni would give the Great Rune to her mother. Granted, this does lead into some more far-reaching theories I have about just how much planning went into Godwyn's assassination and who all Ranni was truly allied to (another post for another time). I don't have many answers for the motives at the moment just cuz it did come to me a few minutes ago but I felt the need to write it all down because it feels both too insane and logical at the same time. I feel like the main wrench in this is the fact that with the other rune currently disconnected from the ER, the Rune of Death, we know it was still able to be used to kill gods a-la the Godskins until it was officially sealed away by Maliketh. This of course was further compounded after the assassination of Godwyn. However since Rennala has been essentially using the amber egg to continuously rebirth the sweetings, it does give credence that she is essentially in control of rebirth even though her mind isn't entirely there. She, like Maliketh, is weilding a Great Rune that has been separated from the Elden Ring.

Please feel free to correct me or add, I admit this theory sounds kinda insane and it has its holes as mentioned above but wow this felt like such a light bulb moment and I wanna see other people's thoughts on my crack theory.

[danepopfrippery]

Just read an ‘aspie’ book (i know since 2012 the words been rebranded cuz that dude was a nazi ass bitch). Ive never been diagnosed with asp buuut…it seems to be a strain esp down my mothers side.

The chapter about fake friends and getting dicked over and simultaneously felt comforted and wildly sad. I like to think i have really gotten good at socializing but i think more so ive just been lucky to meet friends who werent dicks.

What bothers me so heavily is ive replayed eli dicking me over repeatedly and i can only seen the faintest of cracks…like so fine u need a magnifying glass to see them. And im 100% sure if id said something ppl around me wouldve said u crazy girl. A really fun game to play as a neurodivergent is ‘am i just looking for bad things that wont really happen to worry about or is this actually intuition no matter how out there?’

I joke im a lapsed pagan and its really true, ive forgotten a lot and other than accepted belief i havent done much in years. I forgot the left side is ur intake, while right output. I did have some pain in my right (shoulder) but the left side of my body felt like it fucked a spike dildo. Hip, shoulder, lower back, foot. Next time, imma listen to my stupid body.

It bothers me so heavily that i see so little i couldve done otherwise. Thats why i know itll happen again and again in my life and its why im mostly totally isolated…even tho i dont want to be.

To them it was prbly a laugh but to me this is something that will haunt me for life

[the-firebird69]

If you calculate without the missing payments because that is just a check and that's a stipend and the kid didn't get it right it's that the annual cola would be added about $100 to 2300 something but since they did not account for all his employment and they go by dollar value for the year and time employed it's not a direct correlation and the account for inflation the account for duration and it's because if you're employed all your life you still get a decent muscle security and how much money you make increases it slightly with a formula we think he might be going up substantially each time that they are increasing they were going up around 4:00 to it's around $400 but this one might be 5 or 600 from 2200 surround 2800 or 2900 and then there would be missed payments that would be when he goes into the position of Continental Congress which would be December which makes sense they reassess it in December

Thor Freya

That's true they've been increasing it like that and it's based on duties and stuff they have you doing and it's really craziness but that's what's going on and we're doing it too and there's a rumor that this would be the Continental Congress year and it's 1774 and since this is 2024 and the writing a bunch of grievances about us a bit more so Mac proper and they're going to put it inviting and they're losing power in the Senate and Congress and they've been talking about constantly that's what's required so we feel it's this year. He is doing increase from the cola and sometimes they increase it anyways but usually not really but they are going to increase it and they do increase it without adding an employment as well I noticed that and he did too cuz they would have caught the error and they did not put it in the increased it once quite a bit but that was from the colonial that was from the burgesses to the colonial Congress hey thanks that was 1200 to 1800 then they increase it to $2,200 and it is a precursor they're saying so this increase and it's hard to calculate because they're adding on things in and changing it we're probably be around 3,300 by my calculation and there are stipends but their money that they owe him anyways so every calculated what they missed I added in the cola and then their standard increase is a certain percentage and it says he has money coming from helping with business which they actually need and that's quite a bit but still I still calculate that and he appreciates it

Mac Daddy

We think it's probably close there's a few things in there that people always miss he is trying to keep people alive and that's taking account and but it's mostly based on his brother it was kind of doing the job just by trying to make it and this kid is trying more than any kid I've ever seen but we do have a standard thing we do and is estimates probably close I hope so because they're the ones issuing it so we're going to wait and see but yeah has been going up with the reasoning would be that these people did not include the employment at ma benedetto at all and you thought that was bad and he made a bunch of money there it was a lot of money thousands and thousands and back then it translates into more money and he wrote a note that said that some of the employment history is missing and he listed a few of the companies Essex is on there and his company he had himself is the one there he thinks and it's not and that's because of my good you so we're going to increase it and they're going to be mad and they're crazy people they say they're not the ones doing it and they're the ones running it and what's he supposed to live on bread crumbs and they're not deceiving us it's just jackass stuff so that's going to go forwards and it's a lot better he says and it's true

Macs

Olympus

[nahalism]

There’s this girl who has been in me for two years and no matter what I do, it doesn’t go away. I have periods where I’m doing great and also not. When I’m not doing great, I think about her and it drives me crazy. When I’m doing great, I work on myself, feel better, but then it hits me harder. As if she gets closer. She comes in dreams, but I can also feel her. Never bad, it always has been warm and pure. She changed me and my life. Unknowingly. It made me spiritual. Weird thing, we only spoke online. The past three weeks the dreams turned into nightmares and it’s not warm and pure. Its not like the other dreams, where I felt both of us where there. I’m not sure if my fears are hunting me, or if it’s really happening. She ignored me in the dream, walked away and was with another guy. She had a relationship and I was happy for her, but this just feels different. The dreams make me not wanna sleep and this sounds even crazier, but i feel like I sense her being intimate w another guy. It’s a gross feeling in my body and idc about nothing, but this drives me mental. Idk what it is or why her. Never had this with any girl. Not the ones I dated either. Tbh I asked myself if it’s me linking this awaking to her, but this awaking happened 4/5 after we stopped talking. I asked myself if I portray my desires on her, but it can’t be. The first time I’ve seen her face on a photo, i don’t know what it was, but I heard “she’s part of you” and honestly not one day since then has been without her in my head. Beside that she’s my opposite. It can’t be real. She’s on every guy and very open minded, while I am very private and just want to be in a relationship rather than being w everyone a little bit for a while. I know it’s weird. I did not tell her this or anyone I know, cuz how tf do you explain. I accepted it all. We either speak, meet or will never, but I can’t bare living w these dreams and gross things in my body. You seem honest, whatever it is I’m curious about your thoughts. Have you felt anything similar or have tips on how to get rid of this?

hey. in advance, this is going to be really long – i 100% believe in unexplainable spiritual, emotional, mental ties that occur between people, whether they're built over time, or instantaneous. i think sometimes those quick intense bonds need to be watched though, because whether or not theres a true vibrational match underlying them, they tend to have their roots in trauma or unconscious conditioning.

its hard to speak on your situation because i dont know the depth and breadth of you guy's conversations. im weary of filling you with a false perception or confidence that theres potential between you, when i have no evidence to support that. there may or may not be something between you both, but ill gear my observations toward your own self enquiry, then hopefully if there is potential between you two, that self inquiry will put you in better stead to further cultivate your relationship with her and yourself.

disclaimer: i know you said you dont think your projecting your own desire on to her, but i have to speak the truth of what i feel with the facts i have. – often what we feel in relation to other people is a deep mirror of something operating within ourselves. since most people are usually unaware of what those aspects within them are, we feel drawn to understand them and relate to them by understanding ourselves through the people we are drawn to. this means you may not be actively projecting your feelings on to her, but that she is a larger projection of something you resonate with/feel. if not, she wouldnt be such a high vibrational match to you and showing up for you the way she is, and intensely as she is.

if the truth of the situation is that you feel bonded to this girl beyond physical explanation, (a connection so deep its awakening things within you you never felt before), then my question for you is, why haven't you spoken to her about it, or made moves to actively pursue her? im not saying divulge the full depth of your feelings and experiences straight away, because telling her all that at once might be a bit intense and scare her off. (not because what you feel is wrong, but because it can be confusing to have someone feel all these things about you without having met you, or truly gotten to know u. she may feel unduly fantasised about or fetishised which will enhance a feeling that the relationship is one way & feel way too intense, yfm?)

anyway, the fact you feel all these things but are so quick to accept that you 'may never meet her and nothing may ever come of it' seems like complete passivity and almost a rejection of pursuing what you deep down desire or yearn for in order to protect urself/ ur feelings/preserve ur pride from rejection/failure? (or even out of the feeling that even if your current relationship is limited, at least it still exists which is better than nothing). regardless of the reason, the fact your talking to me about this and haven't addressed it with her, is an issue, and the part you need to get to the bottom of. regardless of if she feels the same right now, its fully possible that had you moved to her, she may have awakened to that same feeling, and same connection you feel toward her. the fact that you didnt, and werent vulnerable with what you were feeling in the moment is what allowed that chance to slip.

what may be haunting you in the form of those nightmares may therefore not even have anything to do with her being with other guys. it could be a reflection of the discomfort you feel deep down toward all you feel but haven't voiced/acted on. if that resonates, then it could be that the disgust/grossness you feel, is less about her actions, and more about you having fumbled an opportunity to be in a role you secretly desire to be in with her due to your own inability to act on what you feel. – again, if that resonates question: is that theme present somewhere else in your life? wanting something deeply but not striving to attain it because you feel its futile and out of your reach? – if thats the case, are the intensity of your feelings truly about her, or do they exist in relation to her in as far as she represents something desired but unattainable. –––– if im completely off here then question why it is that you cant bare to think of her with someone else. you cant bare to perceive her in the way you usually feel comfortable doing, specifically because she feels distant to you and attached to someone else.. yet you also havent done the work to make sure that wouldn't be the case?

who knows. it could be that she is a part of you. whether thats as a life partner or as a teacher, only you and she can answer that. her being your opposite doesn't mean she cant be perfect for you, and her being more liberal with her approach to dating at the moment doesn't mean that she may not desire containment and a long term relationship. but in order for that to manifest, you also have to show up in your authority and as the kind of person she feels willing to be in a relationship with. being blasé or nonchalant is not cool and is not the embodiment of that energy.

this is all hypothetical of course, because idk if her feelings toward you are mutual. if they are, id suggest you do the work to make yourself emotionally and physically available to her. dont fear rejection or assume that if shes into you she'll drop everything and make you a priority. you may have to put in work and show up as a solid figure for a while for the situation to unfold.

if she isnt in to you, try not to beat yourself up or feel weird for 'inventing scenarios' in your heard. your not weird, your working through something, and as time passes the lesson will be whats prominent, not the circumstances that brought you to learning it. take the l, charge it, just do the work to make sure u arent caught slipping again.

i genuinely hope this helped and that i didnt just make u feel more misunderstood. im sending u love and all the resolve necessary to be able to assert yourself accordingly in this situation!!! may you get your desired outcome, and that regardless of whether u do or dont the growth that comes from this is the most beautiful part. ty for trusting in me enough to share with me and lean on me <333333333333

bon chance !

[smalltowngirlsworld]

August 31, 2023

I just recently found out all my friends think im the main problem in the friend group and it really makes me upset. I found this out last week by reading a text on my friends phone. She wanted me to read these texts but forgot about the one very important sentence. 4 words and I’ve gone crazy. I would feel bad that they think I’m the problem and be self conscious and guilty but however since last month they all decided to have a pow wow to talk shit abt me then Trojan horse me at my own house I do not feel bad. You see the things they tried to talk to me abt were because of them. They complained that I showed up to an event later than they thought I would. But never tried to text me and ask me when I was getting there so instead they all just talked shit about me. They complained that I never listen to their stories. Which is 100% not true they just thought I wasn’t and I didn’t realize it seemed to them I was ignoring them but they never tried to be like hey are you listening? They really just got mad at themselves for that one. So bottom line at the end of this attack I told them all im sorry I made them feel a certain way it clearly wasn’t my intention since I love and care about them all but all those things happened so long ago if they would have just communicated and said something in the moment i woudlnt be upset about but now it’s apparent they’ve been holding this grudge and talking shit about me which isn’t fair bc a) i couldn’t defend myself and b) there was never a problem on my end in the first place. One of them had the audacity to say well I just don’t want to sound bitchy if I say anything in person. Like woooow cuz you don’t sound bitchy now? Either way that happened a month ago and it still seems that they think I’m the problem. We’ll also they keep trying to hangout with me soo it’s kinda weird bc apparently im a big enough problem to talk shit about but not a big enough problem to want to hangout with. Also im a bad enough listener to hold a grudge for a month but not bad enough that you come to my house sobbing asking for advice cuz you ruined a different friendship unbeknownst to you ours is on a tight rope over a moat of crocodiles. I’m just very upset and angry. It’s not fair I get the short end of the stick bc I’m the only one who knows how to communicate.

Xoxo 🤍

[mosviqu]

i'm very happy that u are whipped for eric and congrats again for ur marriage can't wait to be there🤭

OH DAMN NOW IT WOULD BE EVEN COOLER IF I WAS THE FIRST ONE but like that would actually be crazy!!!!! i hope ur socialness will save us or it will be very awkward since both of us are like that then😭😭 I HOPE U WONT BE IN TROUBLE but i am at ur service will help with anything🫡🫡 ITS GOING TO BE SO COOL AND IM ALSO VERY HAPPY THAY I WONT HAVE TO SEND U PIXEL CALUM CUZ U WILL SEE HIM IRL!!!! ITS GOING TO BE AMAZIIINGGG AND IM A TRUSTABLE SOURCE FOR THAT

SHHSJFJF I WOULD PAYYY TO SEE HIM DANCE CAT AND DOG AT A CLUB HOLY CRAP THAT WOULD BE FUNNYHAHSHFJ and very true it would be more embarrassing 😭😭 i'm sure he is ur only one especially from the boyz u know right ahahahhahah😄

i still haven't watched any of the life performances i'm scared for my life actually ever since the video of him in that bath tub i haven't been normal so i think i will put off watching them😄🥲 IM NOT EVEN SURPRISED THEY HAVE EVERYONE IN SHAMBLES!!! and well i'm happy it actually wasn't short lived or well i still hope it won't be short lived and i hate to admit that i like the silver more cuz red is one of my fav hair colour on people💔💔💔 (liebestraum anon🥳)

me? whipped for eric ?? where'd you get that???? (definitely not our dms hahahaha...ahaha...)) ofc you are invited to the wedding you are the fav tbz girlfriend after all 🙄💔

you would be actually the first online friend id be meeting irl as well have i mentioned that already i think i have but anyways 😭😭 so id actually be kind of shitting my pants but oH WELL. love how u call it my socialness when its just me pretending i know how to speak to ppl bc the friends i found at uni are all introverted 😭 STOP I REMEMBER U SAYIGN YOU WILL SEND PIXEL CALUM AND I WAS LIKE AWH SWEET BUT BITCH ILL SEE PIXEL CALUM IRL ALL THE WAY FROM THE BACK OF THE VENUE LIFE IS SO STRANGE. also if we meet and become irl besties we can go see lovejoy together in poland (im sure the time doesnt match and 5sos is actually way after that but we do not care))

i mean a couple drinks in and id be able to dance cat and dog at the club so i think everythings possible😔😔😔 mhm mhm i only have one boyfriend per group i am NOT staring at sunwoo every chance i get why would u think that

also update i STILL havent watched any of rhe live performances for move bc i suck LOLOLOL but no i am kinda scared to if im being 100% honest i think that would be too serious for me. also it seems like red hoon is gone fr and its silver now so you won😗 (still am a fan of black)

[torchlitinthedesert]

I hadn't heard of Lou Sullivan, trans gay author and activist. So I looked up his diaries, and op's tags are 100% accurate. You can see his whole progress as a fan, how much it meant to him - both at the time, and later with adult hindsight. Fandom as something we pour ourselves into, and use to work out/shape how we see ourselves. Plus all the idealism and obsessiveness - I love him buying Beatle-relevant clothes, and reading terrible books about the beloveds.

Diary excerpts, starting in 1964, when Sullivan was 13 (the entries aren't dated).

Didn't do anything great except saw "The Beatles" on The Ed Sullivan Show and Kathy practically had a bird. They are sorta cute but I think Ringo is swingin, George is cute, Paul is a good singer and John is icky. Too!

Did my homework and could not wait for The Beatles at 7-8 on Ed Sullivan. Went home to see them. Kathy & I & John went in the den and screamed! After their last song I started to cry, I guess because they wouldn’t be on any more. Mom got mad but Kathy joined me. I guess we feel the same about them.

Paul-Ringo-Paul-Ringo they keep bouncing around my head. They're so perfect. Model yourself on them & you'll have no worries. Paul! I love the name. Such a beautiful sound to the ear. Ringo! Such an adorable boy. So sweet and modest. So bouncy. Know that I love you and I'm not crazy. This is a love so strong and real. Oh, love me, too, anyone.

I’m reading “The True Story of The Beatles.” So sad—I even cried I felt so sorry for those poor boys. They hardly could get anything to eat. They went without food for 36 hours once. Poor darlings. Today is Sunday. The Beatles mean so much to me. I could never say I didn’t like (or even love) The Beatles. I hope God is good to them when they die. I pray for them every day. Ringo, John, George, Paul. These names do something to me. Put me in a trance.

I'm going to start saying "y'know" for a while. It's fun.

I think I’d like a husband under the zodiac sign Libra. John Lennon’s from that sign and he seems to be a very wonderful husband. I’d like to be a famous writer of romance and love. I bet I could do it! All I need is the atmosphere and mood and I could write a heart-touching story. I love to think at night, with beautiful music playing, of young lovers and love. Of how they feel, cuz I know, I felt that way about Paul and still do, a little I guess.

I'll probably never forget this day. My babies on the stage, alive, in front of me. Pauly! Pauly! Oh, I love you with all my heart, so much. At the end, when outside, kids screamed and ran. I followed, losing the others. I touched it with my hands—their car to take them to the hotel. I cried, lovingly, as I walked to our meeting place, people looked at me, but I didn’t care. My darlings were there and I had to leave them. I saw my Pauly! And George, John, Ringo.

I got a black leather “John Hat.” It’s called that cuz John Lennon wears one like it. [Here's a photo of Sullivan wearing it]

I’m not shy anymore! I don’t care if people think I’m crazy, I’m gonna be myself. And guess who helped me to this. The Beatles. The Beatles.

Grandmother bought me a $20 pair of boots. I donated $7. They’re genuine black leather and go up to my knees. They have a 1” stacked heel. A zipper down the side. A dream come true! Jane Asher has a pair. Excellent. Now I'm broke. Ha-ha!

I really don’t know what I’d have done without Paul, George, John, Ringo. I’d probably be real queer. You know, when I was around 7-11 years old, my favorite play would be “boys.” One of us, Bridget, Maryellen, or I, would say “Let’s play boys.”...

And in adulthood:

And it came to me how I’ve always had a male idol. Since I was 6 yrs old & thought I was Davy Crockett. Memories of others are gone but Cheyenne, another cowboy star I fantasized I was; David Janssen on TV as “The Fugitive;” Paul McCartney (my original boy-queen); Bob Dylan; now Lou [Reed].

Maryellen and I went to see Paul McCartney (yes! my Paulie) in concert in Berkeley. I felt very emotional during the concert—just remembering back to seeing him with the Beatles in 1964, and now again, here, 26 years later—and all that’s happened in my life in the interim. Although I haven’t followed his career in the interim, somehow I see him as the beginning, the awakening of my sexual maturity. I remember so clearly sitting at Bluemound Rd. with Paul’s picture in hand, staring and dreaming of him and thinking, “I wish I were you! I wish I was a boy like you!” I also kept thinking of Kathleen and how she would have LOVED to have been at this concert and I kind of dedicated my presence there to her. And like that first concert in 1964, I did quite a bit of crying during this show: “The Long and Winding Road,” “Let It Be”…all bring my life full-circle.

in happier book news i just started lou sullivan's diaries and idk what i was expecting but i can tell you i DIDN'T expect to be dropped straight into the deep end of the diary of, essentially, a 12 year old diehard one direction girlie (gender neutral)

[moidse]

Ugh I feel so depressed. I just don’t feel like we are good together,, well that’s not true. I do think we have pretty good communication and like support for each other mostly.. I mean compared to my other relationships this is easily the most stable and caring and supportive which is why I’m still in it—- but the attraction isn’t there and hasn’t been since that said they don’t fuck. And I honestly think because I’m the only person they’ve been with and they haven’t been with other ppl they truly don’t know how dysfunctional our sex life is. They don’t know that they shouldn’t be tolerating me having little interest in fucking them. They deserve to be with someone who can’t resist touching them and who never puts doubt in their mind about whether or not they find them hot. Like I’m realizing because I’m the only person they’ve been with they can’t see these things like how I didn’t understand in my first relationship why they thought the sex was bad and now I get it. I wasn’t enthusiastic to fuck them either cuz I thought they were mid and they fucked a lot of ppl though and they were mad because they know there are ppl who wanna fuck them bad and i wasn’t one of them. But I had never been with anyone and thought the amount I liked them and wanted to be with them was enough but it wasn’t. I just really wanted to be in a relationship so bad and that is still true today.

I just been thinking about lately how like I am not over my ex— it’s kinda crazy how long it took me to admit that to myself. Like I do think about them on nearly a daily basis. I’ve almost reached out to them on several occasions but has resisted the urge because I feel like it’s 100% cheating to do that and I don’t cheat. Like I don’t even wanna be with them again cuz they were super unstable and would get mad at me over nothing every other day and it was ruining my life but that sex tho. I just wanna be in their hoe-tation. I wanna have phone sex with them.. maybe video sex.. cuz god even the phone sex with them was soooooooo good fuck. Being with them made me feel sooo hot it rly did wonders for my confidence at the time. But anyways I keep thinking about how I jumped into this relationship with K***** because I didn’t wanna take an L with my ex and with my ex best friends. Im realizing it wasn’t just about my ex by also my ex bestie too. Like that’s why I stayed after they said they were ace ,, because they always said im a fuckboi and I could hear her voice in my head mocking me and I wanted to prove that I wasn’t by continuing to be with someone who isn’t into fucking. I was using them to boost my ego and not be alone after ditching my ex and cutting them off with no communication abruptly ,, I wanted to be like bye and I have someone better.. and like I remember when they told me they were ace I was just so upset I’d spent months talking and building this person up in my head just to find out they are not what I am looking for I was so mad they didn’t tell me sooner. It just sucks because honestly having someone to chase and be with is better in my head then being alone and depressed and feeling ugly worthless and gay.. lol… but for real that’s why I always stay too is cuz I don’t wanna be single sooo bad that I’ll be in a mid relationship with mid sex.. but I just don’t want it. And now our lives are too inseparable. We share a car my mom bought. Like I would need to get a new car and move out and I would need a good amount of money to do it. So maybe this year I can build my savings and try. Or ask my mom for more money for a car to help. It sucks cuz yes I like hanging with them and stuff but I just wish we were best friends and not in a romantic/sexual relationship. I just don’t want this and I haven’t like the whole time. I just want to be having sex with someone that im deeply attracted to. Like we have zero sexual tension. I wanna make my partner cum. I haven’t made anyone cum in 3 years..