#coupled with anxiety it is not fun at all
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Half past midnight and my mind doesn't wanna shut up...
#that crowded corner of my mind#is this even insomnia#i am half sure i have an undiagnosed sleep disorder#coupled with anxiety it is not fun at all#language: en
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I genuinely love not having a crush like I’m not over here feeling physically sick over some mid guy being dry to me I’m literally chilling
#Spring semester of last year was so bad bc I was unironically into 3 guys at once and they were all#Being dry and cryptic to me#And then before that in 2022 I had my horrid situationship#I had a mini obsession arc in dec 2023 over someone but now there hasn’t been anyone since#And my palette is so cleansed#When a girl is like I miss having a crush I’m like you’re literally a masochist#There was very briefly a girl I thought I had a crush on when I realized I’m bicurious but#I haven’t put effort into talking to her bc the idea of pursuing anyone makes me wanna claw my eyes out#I’m pretty sure I ghosted her by like just not responding to her last messsge actually#Not on purpose but more so bc I realized I was feeling the same anxiety I felt whenever I had a crush so I was like#Yeah I’m dropping this for now#I’m also always the most present for my friends when I don’t have a crush so idk#Like I don’t wanna be consumed by anyone I just wanna chill#The solution to not having normal attraction to people is just to not be attracted to anyone at all#I fr cracked it#I always just crave the butterflies out of it and never an actual relationship anyway#But they’re so not worth it#Which is why I always get bored of guys who’re forthright like oh ok you actually WANT something…. U don’t wanna just have fun#Not for me#I think the guys I’m into and I typically diverge in the sense that neither of us wants a relationship but they just wanna fuck me#And I more so just want the butterflies experience / to playact couple for like a couple months but nothing too serious#Which is why it never works#Like it’s not that it doesn’t work bc either of us wants a relationship it’s more that what we want out of the situationship is different#So lame#Ok this was a lot but I literally came to this epiphany while writing these tags
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Let the playdate begin @lazyasyoucansee
Part 1
Edit
Don’t cross cross. He’s got a bad feeling.
#bitty bones#bitty nightmare#bitty dust#bitty horror#bitty error#bitty sans#sans#undertale au#lol they are all sans so the jokes will never stop#there might be a couple pranks#idk yet#this is all I have drawn#lazy you can do part 2 if you want#maybe we can bounce back and forth#no pressure tho#i’m just vibing#it’s all fun#also error has separation anxiety
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#So rn my parents are overseas at this gathering with family friends#And one of them got married + had a kid 11 weeks ago#All of this in the span of less than a year btw#And he’s 15 years older than me but rlly fun etc the kind of guy that feels at most 6-7 years older yk#And it feels wildddd cuz he was the rlly like mischievous (?) Kind of guy in our friend group#and it felt a bit weird to know he was expecting a kid since I found out a few months back but today my mum told me her name and everything#And I’m feeling super weird again like I can’t imagine him as a serious responsible dad buckling down yk#But also he can be serious when he needs to be so that coupled with his sense of humour means he’s going to be a great dad in sure#But it’s making me rethink whether or not I want to have kid(s)#maybe it’s just vanity but I feel like pregnancy would rlly wreck my body both looks and health wise#Like that is 9 months of commitment idk if I can handle it 😭😭😭#but sometimes i daydream abt what it would be like to have kids with the guy im 90% sure I’ll be marrying in like 7 years#and it makes me feel soooooo. like I want to do all that with him#and I feel like he would be level headed enough to help me through wtv insecurity or anxiety I’m feeling now#Idk idk#personal
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DOES HE HAVE ANY REDEEMING QUALITIES OR AT LEAST A SAD BACKSTORY I'M CRINE
no, LOL
#hes so short bcs hes kind of a play on like the 4'9 uwu baby protect me ocs who cant do any wrong#like his actions hold zero remorse or hint at any anxiety like#so i understand animals easier than people so his inspo was literally a lion#like he enters a place and rules it so he can be lazy as fuck and fuck (and yes hes a stone top to all these tall ass men)#it rlly reflects thru the gameplay too like 2k13 is so fun. u can rlly rule the world after like 3 games it's so fun !!!#he pushes people out of cars going 100 mph into a ditch bcs he wants to see what happens#he knows what will but he just wants to see what exactly will be the outcome during this time with this person & their specific attributes#he gets out the shower and collects the dead skin under his fingernails so he can scrape it off everyone on and off the basketball court#his only maybe redeeming quality is liking denver levins but only bcs a king needs his jester#hes cringe but free#hes the depthless guiltless toxic trope the canon rival love interest character turns into when the oc wants the canon couple's mans#but flipped#he kinda judt showed up one day in the league and started killing ppl (winning championships)#edgy oc who always seems to win against the canon except he doesnt have a sad backstory to excuse his actions & doesnt want one#hes just here to kill things and go home to his loving wife denver levins
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Sitting on a balcony rocking chair looking at the trees and lake after an anxiety attack, might be the only way I get through this summer tbh
#summer camp tag#Mental health#ace is a mess#tw: anxiety#my coworkers (and roommate) have gone mean girl on me for the crime of *checks notes* one of the nurses finds my work style most compatible#its been a bad week but my accommodation is also my place of work so i get no separation from the two#and as we're roommates i cant even take solace in my room when im off and shes on cus her and her bestie treat the space like its not mine#*context one of the nurses used to be the other health assistant before she got qualified so thats how they became besties#and the first couple of weeks it was all oh no we dont think youre trying to replace her and trying to make me feel welcome#but now its just constantly undermining me and trying to insinuate i cant do my job cus two of the other nurses had a go at my roommate#for always skiving and because one of those nurses also said she preferred my work style im getting their ire#so maybe had a bit of an anxiety attack this morning so now im hiding out on the balcony cus i feel uncomfortable in my own room#at least the lake and trees are nice and i get to watch the kids play which is fun
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I know I said I’d probably update this weekend but…I finished the next chapter this morning and am impatient to share it after making you guys wait two whole months
So CHAPTER FIVE OF GIVE THE LION FANGS CHAPTER INCOMING
#although I’m super excited#I’m even more nervous to post it than usual lol#think it’s because it’s been so long#plus I always have writing anxiety lol#does this completely suck?#am I writing this the way I should?#am I even capable of writing a project like this?#the usual#ANYWAY#hopefully you all enjoy it!#I used a couple of the nicknames you guys suggested in it so that was fun#trin rambles#first meets the chain au
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I'm an emotional wreck rn for absolutely no reason and I know I've been saying this every night I've been home since literal may but I think I might go lay sleep in my mom's bed with her tonight. like a child.
#already in bed since I have to wake up way early tomorrow but I don't think I'll be able to sleep#I haven't eaten basically anything all day because I've been so anxious about my stupid fucking paper#bc I read a couple pieces of feedback on my outline and I don't take feedback well on a good day but I just took it Really#bad this time for some reason. and it's fine I'll be fine I'll go to class and it's Fine but I'm just such a mess about it for no reason#and I want things to just be good again like in general it's been nonstop all year can't I just have fun#because if I'm being honest the whole anxiety so bad it makes me nauseous and I can't eat thing is back and I'm not particularly#enjoying it#carmen.txt
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It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Anxiety run amok. Tried to distract myself by playing through Super Mario Bros, but I’ll be honest, that was stressing me out pretty bad trying to get through some of those levels. Unrelated but coincidentally (tangentially?), after an intense bit of playing, my anxiety flared up majorly. Heart racing, skin painfully prickled, lungs failing me. Oh well. That’s what drugs are for. So instead I started Death Stranding, which my little brother gifted me for Christmas a couple of years back but I just never got around to committing to. Much better choice. It feels like the perfect distraction for me right now. Frankly, I’m lonely. I feel cut off from the world. I’m scared and anxious and I have no idea what the future holds for me, but it feels bleak. So it’s nice to pop into this little world where you’re trying to make connections and explore the world, even if it is just a video game. It’s giving me something positive to focus on right now.
I just thought I’d make a text post. Mention a game I like. Just folded some laundry, I’m on my 3rd bowl of cereal right now, and I’ll do some dishes when I’m done. Trying to keep on moving forward. More bullshit in the tags.
#my anxiety has cleared up quite a bit these past few days#but now I’m trying to go without klonopin so we’ll see how that lasts#and I have an audiologist appointment tomorrow so that might be a big source of depression and anxiety#can’t wait to roll in there at 8:30 in the morning just to be told AGAIN that my hearing is just fucked and can’t be helped#which… is what I expect… I just wish there was more… empathy? sympathy? something soothing behind their words.#I also finally scheduled a therapy appointment but it’s not for a couple of weeks 😕#taking care of yourself sucks!#anyway things are okay right now right here in this moment. I’ll deal with the rest as it comes I suppose#I was getting way too serious with super mario#I play on a snes mini and even with custom save states I was getting too stressed out. it was bad for my health.#which sounds like an over exaggeration but it just wasn’t fun after awhile#but Death Stranding is awesome. even just the walking parts I love#I love seeing other players’ contributions to the world. all the random signs and structures they put up.#I don’t know what else to add to all of this#I really thought I’d have more exciting tags than this#this isn’t important#you can ignore this#text
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I'm so tired and feeling pathetique
#ive got that anxiety hangover full body ache going on#coupled with a hangover ig#but also its yearning hours so really all around not fun#💌
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good evening i guess i get brain zaps now??
#i was just watching a youtube video when all of a sudden i got this weird vibrating feeling in the back of my head#and it made me feel really dizzy like i was about to pass out#but then it went away super quickly#it happened to me a couple weeks ago too#i looked it up just now and apparently it's called a brain zap#it's supposedly common among people who have anxiety and/or take ssris like zoloft#like i do#so that's fun
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hi again been a bit... uhhh why'd I wanna make this again? oh right talking about random shit. I do wanna get back into some things I left off with some friends of mine, but due to being me and it being a very hard existence things didnt go as planned and I kinda dropped it and lost interest.... which really sucks cause I have so many ideas for where I wanted to take my story ( working on a kirby au of sorts havent sorted out through the entire thing cause my brain doesnt wanna work with me :/ ) that I wanted to actually bring into existence instead of it all just being in my head or a rough draft. maybe I can push myself into gaining interest again by actually working on it again. what I had orginally thought up is no longer what I wanna go with so new things are hard to come up with. off topic from that I have so many fucking games I need to get back to and the game list keeps getting bigger and bigger its gonna drown me at some point :( whyyyyy do I keep doing this to myself.... doom I'm dooming myself this is what I'm doing. and cause I'm me I'm def gonna be forgetting that I made this post in the first place! dont you love being this mess of a person? isnt this FUN?!
#astralsys.tx#fronting astral: k#check dni /srs#the answer is no#I hate this so much#every time I think about how my life is goddamn awful I'm just fucking thinking about all the fakers ik in my life#if they fucking saw me and lived this life they would kts#clearly dont understand how this disorder works LOL#you all just think its “mpd” and all fun and dandy dontcha#even the personal fakers ik dont understand how this disorder works either I just wanted to fucking scream at them#and tell them their “case” is not real and they're being fictitious that this is imitative d.i.d. you're doing this on purpose#no you are not a minor discovered “d.i.d. system” who is “fictive heavy” with an obsurd number of “alters / headmates” actually stfu die#I just wanna slap them with sources of researchers of actual fakers and show them make them look in the fucking mirror#THIS IS YOU DO YOU NOT SEE YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR ARE YOU NOT LOOKING AT YOURSELF CLEARLY?!#even if I did that they STILL wouldnt back down and claim to my fucking face that they “suffer” from “d.i.d.”#yeah sure you fucking do with your 73pk+ which most of them are “introject fictives” from either your “HF / SPIN” or new media#and you act like youre rp'ing as them whenever they're brought up in convo and self dx'es with “osdd-1b” 1st and said you've done “research#clearly not good research if you didnt figure out that “osdd1b / osdd1a” are “community terms” and not actual dx'es also claimed self dx'ed#asd adhd anxiety depression & ofc “d.i.d.”. the other 2 are even worse all 3 of them “discovered they were systems” when they were minors#12pk rn but that number kept changing said 51 now 39 30 -> 42 -> 13 -> 12 yeah no way this is fucking real are you fucking kidding me?#all of them but ONE was a non “introject alter” yeah get fucking real buddy not even in active med help and your “member” count went down?#fuck off and then the last one's number keeps rising and rising this is like the worst one thats actually just screaming fake to my face#wow omfg 100pk now it was not like that a couple days ago you have got to be actually kidding me are you seeing yourself like actually rn#and ofc all of them are “introjects” from fucking somewhere and from very recent media too cause ofc it is cant even pretend right can you?#I cant with these fucking people man do you really think you can bullshit me like this to my fucking face with this shit do you honestly#think ANYONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES YOU#ALL THREE OF YOU ARE THE WORST PEOPLE YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DEAD TO ME#ok thats enough ranting out of me I'm just fucking sick of you people#get off the fucking internet#| ✨💫
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"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.
but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)
mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…
the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.
every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.
first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.
which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.
the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.
walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?
well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.
you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?
it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.
when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.
and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.
kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.
yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.
#dungeon meshi spoilers#mithrun#dungeon meshi#this has been rotating for a while but i wanted to check my evidence before getting into it thanks user angelspenance for posting that meme#half of this is just the text and the other half i'm sure has been said before but it's making my brain [radio static] so here this is#someone did for sure mention this but i do find it very cute that in his fucked up conjured world meant to portray his ideal reality#his teammates came to visit him. like part of the fantasy was then explicitly that they cared about him and were his friends. even though#he says he tried to see the worst in them.#hm it does feel important to note that i do also believe 100% in mithrun suicidality--his desire to be eaten does seem to focus a lot on#wanting it to be Over. wanting not to be left incomplete and empty anymore.#but that loops back around a bit to the hole in your heart that appears when you feel unloved. it's many things and the same thing at once#snakes#long post#severe problems#meshy
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Sometimes I think of a Steve Harrington that is absolutely exhausted by all the horror and bullshit and trying to keep the kids alive through said horror and bullshit, who watches Eddie rock up to him at the beginning of S4 with a dead eyed, flat stare.
"Steeeeve Harrington." Eddie taunts and peacocks and twirls around him, and all Steve wanted was for a couple months to process the trauma, maybe feel safe enough to start thinking about the future instead of stuck in a never ending anxiety loop of what might happen to Dumbass Near-Deatherson, should Steve go to college or move out of Hawkins (bc all the bad nicknames in the world won't erase the fact that Dustin's family, now. They're all family. And when they need help, they go to Steve.) and now he's suffering the unjust ordeal of being haunted by the high school drug dealer.
"His highness has come down from his castle!" Munson will crow, making a show out of Steve picking up the kids like this is a great battle of wits, a scoreboard between them and not like Steve is half dead on his feet, head aching, dreams full of too many teeth. "Quickly hide behind me, he'll try to cut off your heads!"
"Wouldn't he just cut yours off too?" Lucas asked, though the tone was slightly timid, Sinclair unsure if his joke would be well recieved.
(Steve doesn't care if the kid outright insults him. He still recalls the junkyard, the fight with Billy, the blood staining the kid's headband. Lucas lived, therefore, he can be a shit if wants.)
"Mine? Oh, the King wouldn't dare." Munson tosses his head, full of cartoon energy, too big for his body and grin both. "Many have tried you see, but no one had ever succeeded!"
Steve, equally, does not give a single shit that Eddie Munson has decided to play these games with him--until he realizes he's maybe been a little too exhausted and depressed and morose around the kids.
Watches them getting worried over him, whispering urgently and making dramatic gestures and talking to Robin and suddenly, playing a little tug of war over them the way Munson seems to want feels like a good idea. A way to hide all the rough edges, a way to be fine so they can be fine.
"How about you guys skip the dork brigade tonight," Steve taunts back the next time they're all together, standing like the man he used to be, wearing a dead personality. "And we go do something actually fun instead?"
Eddie laughs, lights up, is all too happy to match him tit for tat, and it's so easy to fake this kind of interaction, rolling his eyes and snapping his gum. Steve could match this energy in his sleep, and never once does Munson catch on that Steve's not doing this for him.
That he's not even looking at him half the time, eyes askew, locked on the kids. Seeing them relax as he banters, seeing Dustin glow as he returns to his favorite position, being the center of attention.
So long as they think he's okay, Steve will be okay. If that means putting up with Munson, then so be it.
Its not like he'll catch on.
Eddie doesnt.
(Or rather, he does--but Its months and several deaths later, when they're in the RV, chasing what feels like literal demons, does it dawn on Eddie what Steve is doing.
Has been doing, the whole time.
Steve, sassy, ridiculous, jock- brained Steve makes the mistake of doing it again, using the same trick he had on the kids to convince them he was fine on Eddie. To further convince Eddie that they were fine as a group.
That they'll survive, they'll figure it out, they'll make it.
Loudly bantering with dead eyes, smiling with a mouth robotically locked in. Jokes on jokes on jokes and all of them making the kids take their minds off VecnaHenryOne to screech ineffectively at their babysitter. Winks tossed to the girls, who both roll their eyed at him. A sly look given to Eddie, to include him.
Its then, that Eddie decides to cement his life with Steve's. Because this loyal bastard of a paladin is too good hearted to die, too protective to not try it anyway. The idiot is cutting himself to ribbons to tie them all together and Eddie can't undo the damage but he can grab all the pieces he can, loop them together.
He can make those dead eyes light up again.
And he does.
This time when things are over Steve finds himself unable to pull those little tricks of his. Every time he slides the mask over his face Eddie rips it right back off again.
They fight, a lot, until they start kissing instead and for a while that also, somehow, feels like fighting but Eddie's real good at this. The emotional part, not so much the kissing, but he knows how to draw Steve out. How to break down walls, and annoying his real personality out.
The kissing was just an odd little side benefit.
A thing they don't talk about.
There's a benefit to it, one he doesn't look very hard into, until strangely, one day, Eddie wakes with Steve's head pillowed on his shoulder and comes to the abrupt conclusion that he's screwed.
Or so he thinks--until bright, loving eyes blink awake, and turn on him, and Eddie realizes just how long it's been since they looked dead.
He wonders, vaguely, how long it'll take for Steve to catch on, that this just got serious.
Will laugh at himself when he learns that Steve already knew.
Guess that's what he gets for finally paying attention.)
#steve harrington#steddie#eddie munson#0o0 fanfics#stranger things#idk what this is#im having emotions
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giving fuckgirl!cait (+basketball) the best head of her life (she still doesn’t know what the hell to do about it)

sub!caitlyn, blowjobs, caitlyn cums in approx 2 seconds and is then humiliated, smut n fluff, ohhh she’s definitely in love with you
fuckgirl!cait who is just a little needy. the first time you ask her she’s all wide-eyed and her mouth is dry and suddenly she’s nervous for the first time in her life. which makes zero sense because (“not to sound like a dickhead—“ “prefacing that everytime doesn’t make you any less of a dickhead, cait.”) she’s been bobbing her cock down willing girls’ throats since she hit puberty. to destress or for fun or if she felt like it. whatever. the point is; she’s well-versed in this.
so, why her palms are suddenly sweating and her cheeks are glowing she has no idea. croaks. “uhm. are you sure? because you really don’t have to—“ like she hasn’t been harassing you for the past couple months and even if she’s had countless fantasies of this moment; imagining you, and your plush, soft lips wrapped around her cock as she splatters her load against the shower wall or a tissue or her dedicated cumsock (ok, sometimes she is just a jock. sue her. she’s a busy woman! and she, admittedly, no longer has a maid waiting on her beck and call.)
you laugh, all deep and throaty and it makes caitlyn want to sink between your couch cushions and die.
“what’s with the deer in the headlights look?” you’ll never grow tired of teasing her, even if you no longer think of her as the arrogant basketball prick who pads around you like a lost puppy and instead; now, something closer to an.. acquaintance with benefits.
(caitlyn has no clue how she made it this far with you. it’s like you just randomly decided to give her a shot one day, on a whim, and she desperately doesn’t want to blow it. even if acquaintance-with-benefits is a title that disgruntles her, at the very least. hurts, at the very most. like, very very most, okay?)
“i just..” caitlyn lets out a quiet whine when your fingers curl against the hem of her basketball shorts and—ah, shit. and now she’s hard. “now look what you’ve done.” she hisses, though she’s not quite sure what she expected when you texted her for netflix and chill like it’s still the 2010s.
“there’s that pretty thing.” you completely ignore her in favour of continuing your blasted teasing, fingers snaking underneath her waistband and pulling, guiding the shorts down the sharp v-line at her crotch and eyes travelling down the fine, inky lines of her happy trail to the spring of her cock, over the edge; half-glazed and all pretty and pink.
“you really want to..?” she doesn’t know why she keeps backtracking, like she hasn’t been talking and talking about how fucking good she’d be. and now that it’s really happening she’s getting cold feet, of all things.
“it’s just a blow, cait.” you roll your eyes.
right. just a blow. like she’s done, a million times before. god. god. she doesn’t know where the fuck this performance anxiety has suddenly arose from (pun unintended). she’s (gracefully and intentionally) bruised countless girls’ throats, for fuck’s sake. twisted her hand in the hair and yanked them sharply with each forceful snap of her hips, and told them to swallow without so much as a blink.
except you—you—
“mmgh—“ caitlyn throws her had back, as she lets out an exceedingly unflattering grunt, with the gusto in which you take her into her mouth. your tongue swirls, along her tip, and—hah—her mind melts to butter. her eyes are all cloudy, head spinning. “wait—mmf—i didnt—“
caitlyn’s hips buck, heedlessly, into your mouth. fuck. she usually has more rhythm than this. more—control. but then your tongue is sliding underneath and your hand running over to curl around her base and she’s rutting upwards aimlessly, like some stupid teenage boy who doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. only that—shit—she’s never felt this good in her life and this is not just a blow—this is the most beautiful, nirvana-inducing, mind-shattering experience she could’ve ever—ungh.
oh.
oh, nononono. nono— no. she didn’t just—
your mouth hangs open, still, as you stare up at her with wide, surprised eyes; throat bobbing as if you were preparing to maybe do that really hot vacuum-type motion again except there’s kind of no fucking point because her dick is twitching uselessly as it slips out of your mouth and she watches in horror, as cum drizzles down your chin.
you swallow. caitlyn dreads that glimmer in your eyes, already.
“i usually—i last longer than that!” caitlyn’s cheeks are beet-red and she’s blinking up at you with those big, sad blue eyes and you’re laughing. crawling on top of her stomach as her dick presses flush and sticky against your lower torso and you’re laughing at her plight. ok, that’s it. it’s over. her reputation that she’s fought and fucked so hard for is dead and gone. she’s got to pack her bags, move countries, and start over.
she buries her face into the crook of your neck. surprisingly, you don’t push her away. “you can’t tell anyone.” she orders, petulant. she’s fucking humiliated.
“why would i tell anyone?” you snort. she whines.
“i don’t want you to think—“ caitlyn digs her short-cut nails into palms, looking frustrated; brows knit and cheeks still flushed, stray strands of hair a mess against her forehead. “i didn’t come over just for a blow.”
“i know, cait.”
caitlyn doesn’t know how much you know, frankly, because she doesn’t know how much she knows—considering she’s just had the most earth-quaking orgasm of her life in all but two seconds like some lame loser virgin and not the cool, suave playgirl that caitlyn kiramman is so known to be; but you’re sinking back into her arms and letting her keep leaking leftover dribbles into your couch as she clings and maybe, she doesn’t care. just wants to stay like this for a little while, and blink the spots out of her vision.
“i’m normally really very good.” she insists, words spilling out in an accented rush against your skin, half-slurred. “seriously.”
“caitlyn.”
“seriously!”
#yam talks#caitlyn kiramman#caitlyn kiramman x reader#caitlyn kiramman smut#fuckgirl!caitlyn#caitlyn kiramman drabble#trans!caitlyn#caitlyn x reader
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Treat You Better - Lando x Fem reader
Summary: Y/n broke up with Lando a while ago. One night she overhears a conversation that makes her want to protect him.
Warnings: Slightly suggestive, bad words, alcohol consumption.
Word Count: 16K
Notes: Nosey me really wants to know what happened at that nightclub. I hope you like it, and as always, feedback and requests are very welcome.
____________________________________
You hated this situation, you felt so bad for Lando. You couldn't shake away the memory of the model walking in that bathroom with her friend talking about how Lando was going to be the best way to help her career, and that she just had to deal with all the F1 bullshit, his and his friends' childish behavior for a couple of months to get enough contracts, and then she'll try to find true love. Honestly, you couldn't believe someone like her could love anyone but herself.
“I think you should warn him”
“I don’t know. If he still hates me as much as he did when I left, he’s going to think I’m doing it out of spite, or that I want him back”
“And you don’t?” Your bff looked at you with a knowing look.
“Off topic” You took a sip from your wine glass.
“Fine. But don't you think it is super weird? What were the odds of you and her being in London, at the same restaurant, inside the same bathroom as she decided to spill her stupid plan?"
"I must be paying some freaking karma" You sighted drifting into your own thoughts,
"Ok, enough about this, are you ready for tomorrow?"
"Are you seriously making me go?"
"Of course! Y/N, you need something to keep your mind off things and I don't want to go on my own, I barely know the guy"
Ellie had met a DJ through Tinder and he had invited her to a private party he was playing at, in one of the Monaco nightclubs.
As much as you wanted to stay back and melt into the anxiety the situation had put you in for the last month, you agreed because that was the best friend thing to do.
_________________________
You got to the nightclub, it was a launch party for a cosmetic brand. As you were led to the DJ booth, memories rushed back. You had joined Lando for a couple of nights during his DJ era. Fuck, you had missed this, and you missed him. You needed to keep those thoughts away and an open bar seemed like a good solution... or so you thought.
It had been a few hours and a considerable number of drinks when Ellie grabbed your hand and pulled you to talk to your ear, a strange choice since the music wasn't even that loud, it was one of those parties where influencers and models try to get contracts and to get known by PRs.
"Please, promise me we're not leaving"
"What?"
"Please, promise me. I'm having a good time" She pulled the puppy eyes trick, but what was she talking about?
"Ellie, how drunk are you?"
"Look over there" she discretely signaled to a table towards the exit.
What was she doing there? Was Lando there too? You almost panicked, but he couldn't be. He had raced in Baku that same day. Yes, you still knew his calendar by heart. Usually, he would fly back home the next day. This explained why she was throwing herself at some guy on her table.
"Fuck"
"You promised"
"I didn't"
"Please"
You knew this was a bad idea, you already dreaded the girl, and seeing her hump all over some guy, as Lando was away, made your blood boil. You tried to stay and keep her off your mind but it was impossible, there was no amount of alcohol in this world that could make this situation bearable.
"I'm going home"
"Y/n, please"
"If I have to see her dry-hump another guy for two more seconds I might actually punch her"
"Don't go! C'mon"
"Elle..."
"Fine, let me know when you're home"
You hugged your friend goodbye and rushed towards the exit. On your way out her voice caught your ear, that voice you couldn't keep out of your head. Clearly, you had offended the gods.
"Oh no! I'm single at the moment. I'm sooo tired of dating man-childs, like, they're fun but it's so exhausting trying to have a conversation when all they can talk about is themselves and how cool their little toys are"
Before your brain could catch up with your body, you were already making a beeline toward her.
"Hi, sorry, can I steal her for a second?" You faked a smile to the PR as you grabbed Mila by the arm and pulled her toward a dark corner of the club.
"What the fuck? Let me go!" She tried to shake your hand away when she recognized you. You finally let go of her and stood cornering her against the dark wall.
"Listen to me, you're going to stop this nonsense about Lando"
"Why? Does your career need a boost and you want him back?"
"At least I have a career people can talk about, and not just who's going between my legs"
"Fuck you" She tried walking away but you blocked her path.
"No, you're going to listen to me, you little shit. You and your stupid friends can think whatever you want about Lando, but I won't let you damage his image just so you can have your five minutes"
"I don't know what you're talking about" Her shit-eating grin seemed even worse to your alcohol intoxicated eyes.
"Really? So it wasn't you who told one of your friends that you just had to deal with this F1 bullshit for a little while to get enough contracts?" Her breath hitched for a second but then the smug face returned.
"Please" she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. You wanted to punch her stupid grin away.
"Last warning, either you stop this nonsense, or everybody will know what a shitty person you are"
"Honey, no one's going to believe you, they will just think you're a jealous, bitter, ex-girlfriend"
"Are you sure? Have you seen the comments?" You pulled your phone from your bag waving it in her face " You don't seem to have the crowd on your side. So, listen, "honey", you want to date him, be my guest, but stop talking shit about him, he doesn't deserve it"
"Fuck you" She pushed you to the side and walked back to her table. You turned around and people were staring at you, also a few phones were pointing your way. Fuck, this was going to be all over the place.
_____________________________
You were still shaking when you got home. You hadn't been this angry at someone in a long time.
You took a cold shower to ease the heat inside you, took a sweatshirt from your closet, and went to bed.
_____________________________
"I'm surprised you didn't punch her in the face, you're such a grown-up" Ellie sat by your side on the couch.
"I wanted to, bad. But I'm not jail material. What about you? I was expecting Mr. Dj to be here this morning"
"We went to his house"
"And?"
"It was nice and all but you know I don't sleep out-"
A hard knock on the door caused a stinging pain in your head. Stupid open bar.
"I'll get that" Ellie walked to the door as you laid your head back on the couch and closed your eyes trying to ease the hangover pain.
"Please tell me Mr. Dj sent coffee"
"I guess you're in for disappointment" His voice made your heart stop.
You took a deep breath before opening your eyes and leaning back up to look at him.
"Can you give us a minute, Ellie?" He spoke before you could say a word. Your best friend who looked as shocked as you, turned your way. You nodded yes.
"I'll be over there. Nice to see you Lan" She walked to her bedroom and mouthed "Tell him" as she passed you.
"Care to explain?" You could hear a slight hint of anger in his voice, and like the psycho you were, it was making your heart rush. You were always playfully pushing his buttons to anger him enough that it would lead to rough sex, but sex was not the final outcome this time. So you had to take another deep breath to ease the heat inside.
"Y/n?" His saying your name did not make things easier. The space around you started to feel smaller by the second. You stood up and walked towards the kitchen.
"Coffee?" Your voice hoarse, as if you had been screaming for hours.
For a second his mind drifted off topic, your outfit being nothing but an oversized sweatshirt caught him off balance, even more when he realized it was one of his. A buzzing on his phone brought him back to reality and the name on the screen back to the topic.
Mila Where are you, baby?
"No thanks, I'm not here for coffee, I'm here to find out what the heck happened last night?" He followed you but kept a safe distance.
You started working the coffee machine, a cheap way to escape his presence, as a fight took place in your mind, should you tell him? Was he going to believe you?
"Y/N, I don't have all day, why did you attack Mila?"
"I didn't attack her" You finally spoke.
"That's not what the media says, and what the video shows"
"There's a video? You can't be safe anywhere" You joked.
"I'm being serious" He finally walked up to you taking the empty mug from your hand. "What the fuck was that? just because you don't have anyone in your life, it doesn't mean you have to ruin my relationship with Mila"
Low blow, Norris.
"Relationship?! Please, Lando" You spat before you could process the words.
"What? Just because you didn't want a relationship with me it doesn't mean other people won't want it either"
"What made you think I didn't want a relationship with you?"
"Umm, the fact that you ran away in the middle of the fucking night after ONE fight, ghosted me for two weeks, and just sent an "I can't do this anymore" text before blocking me from every single place? I'm not stupid"
"It wasn't just one fight. We had been fighting so much for the last month, and that last time the only difference was the volume"
"But that happens, just because we love each other it doesn't mean everything is going to be sweets and roses"
The word love sent lighting throughout your body.
"Lan, I didn't leave because of those fights. I left because you weren't happy with me, with us" Your eyes started watering, leaving him had been one of the toughest decisions.
"What?"
"You were lying to me, you were hiding. Does that seem like a happy relationship?" He stared at you confused "I knew about your nightclub and dinner escapades when I wasn't going to the GP's. I never minded you going to those things without me, I don't know why you started lying about them?" You could see it on his face he knew he had screwed up.
"But I never cheated or anything, I promise"
"I know, but it felt as if I was keeping you from doing stuff you wanted and that you felt the need to hide from me" You felt like he was being forced to be with you, like you were keeping him from things he liked.
"Y/n, I was so fucking happy with you, I just...I wasn't thinking. I saw how others got in trouble for going out alone and thought, I... I fucked up" He walked closer toward you and shily played with the hem of your sweatshirt.
"Lan -" His phone rang in his hand, Mila's name on the screen shattering the moment completely. You sighed and stepped back "Just be careful, ok?"
"Careful?"
"She might not be what you think she is"
"What are you talking about?"
You bit your lip still unsure about spilling it all out.
"Y/N"
"I heard her at Scully's a month ago. She was with some friends, I was in the restroom when she got in and I heard her tell her friend that she just needed to deal with F1 for a while to get enough contracts" You kept the details to yourself, they felt unnecessary.
He looked hurt but not surprised.
"I'm sorry" You whispered.
"Is that why you were fighting yesterday?"
"Yeah, basically" You weren't sure if telling him the "attack" had also been fueled by seeing her dry-hump two different guys was good, it seemed he had received the message.
"Why would you care?" He softly asked, his green eyes fixed on yours.
"Lan" You turned back to the coffee machine, the noise grounding you and keeping your mind from drifting into the romantic scenarios it was dying to go to.
"Tell me" He took a step closer. You could feel his body heat radiate towards you.
"Just" You knew where this was leading, what he wanted to hear, but you weren't sure you wanted to say those words.
"Bull" His hand landed on your hip. The electricity from his touch made you jump.
"Lando, stop it please" You stepped to the side escaping his touch.
"No" He took you firmly by the waist and turned you around, trapping you against the counter. "Why would you do that?"
"What do you want to hear?"
"Just tell me why did you do that?"
"Please just leave it" You closed your eyes and threw your head back, this situation and the awful hangover were killing you physically and mentally. But all Lando could see was your neck, it was almost begging him to kiss it, but he fought the urge, he needed you to accept you wanted him too.
"No, I don't want to" His voice was almost childlike.
"God Lando, damn it! I did it because I couldn't stand her talking shit about you. Yes, you can be stubborn, annoying, and sometimes such a child that I want to kill you, but you're also a loving, caring, responsible, smart and such a wonderful human being you don't deserve someone treating you like that. Happy?!"
"Yes" He pulled you from your waist and joined your lips.
His flesh touching yours felt like a breath of fresh air. You couldn't fight it anymore, and as much as you wanted to deny it, you loved him, you loved him deeply.
Your hands found their place behind his neck, softly playing with his curls.
His hands traveled down from your waist to your thighs, caressing them and indulging in the warmth of your skin. He then squeezed your ass and pulled you to carry you to the sofa.
He sat on it as you straddle him. He gave one last peck to your lips and started kissing down your chin, reaching that sensitive spot on your neck right below your ear as his arms pressed you harder against his body. Making you moan at the feeling of the bulging sweats under you.
"I've missed you, don't leave me, please" He whispered softly against your skin.
His phone buzzed again inside his pocket.
"Lan, wait" You pushed his head away from your body.
"What?"
"You're with Mila"
A breathy laugh made his chest bounce.
"C'mon, we were just fooling around"
"Does she know that?"
"Now you care about her?"
"It's not her. But I can't be a hypocrite. I don't want the bad karma"
"Fine" He took the phone from his pocket and dialed. After a couple of rings, you heard that damn voice coming from the speaker.
"Baby, I've been calling you for hours, where are you? Lucia and I are waiting for you to go to the marina, I promised her we would tan on the yacht today"
"Mila, we're done"
The line went silent for a few seconds. You could almost picture the shocked face on the other side of the phone.
"What?" Her voice was a thousand octaves higher.
"What you heard. Go find someone else to leach from. See ya" He hung up with the biggest grin.
"Happy?" He said as he turned off his phone and placed it to the side.
"She's going to kill you"
"Good thing I have my own personal bodyguard" He buried his face on your chest, inhaling your scent, he had missed so much.
"Oh, now I'm your bodyguard?"
"Yup, fuck Jlo's bodyguard, now I have the hottest one"
"You're such an idiot"
"As long as I'm your idiot I don't care about anything else"
You pulled him to kiss again. His hands sneaked under the sweatshirt, caressing the soft skin inside it.
"Nice outfit by the way" Hi said against your lips.
You turned to look down at it and then realized you were wearing one of the sweatshirts you had stolen from him. You had worn it nonstop for weeks after the breakup until his scent had faded.
"I'm sorry I stole it"
"It looks way better on you"
He pulled you back to resume your makeout, as your hands played with the curls at the back of his head.
"You've been awfully quiet over here..." Ellie said out loud walking the hallway. "I just want to make sure you've not killed each oth-" She stared at the scene with a terrified look on her face.
"Please tell me you weren't having sex on the sofa"
"You're about a year too late"
"Ew, please tell me that's a lie. I really, really like that sofa and I don't want to have to burn it" She stared at you, disgust all over her face.
"He's joking" You punched his side playfully.
"Promise?" she asked
"Promise"
"Ok. And, as much as I'm happy you two are back together, please take it to the bedroom and give me five so I can be far far away before you start your unholy activities"
"Three is the most we can give you" Lando stood from the sofa carrying you.
"Two" he said kissing your neck and walking toward your bedroom.
"Nooo, c'mon, stop it" Ellie rushed to her room "Just let me get dressed and I'll be out of here, please!"
"You're mean" You smiled against his lips.
"And you're mine" Hi bit your lower lip closing your door with his foot.
"Send me a message when you're done and I can return"
"See you next week!" Lando yelled back. He returned his lips to your neck, removing the only piece of clothing covering you.
"Very funny!" Was the last thing you heard before the front door slammed.
As much as it sounded like a joke, Lando was determined to make up for lost time.
Tag List: @wtrmlnsgr94, @ricsaigaslec, @ironmaiden1313, @formulas-bitch,
#f1 fiction#f1 imagine#lando norris imagine#lando norris x reader#f1 x reader#lando x y/n#f1 x y/n#lando norris fluff#f1 smut#lando norris smut
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