#could you blame me though?
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Sorry about the lack of updates. My teacher promised me her favourite dnd dice if I score an 80 or higher on the test and I am very determined right now.
#dnd#dnd dice#i really need this#could you blame me though?#me and her had a dnd conversation for 2 hours.#it was an accident#i promise#dnd community#i am filled with determination#i need sleep
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tighnari, bent over, wiggling his hips, swishing his tail back and forth. i’m trembling.
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Imma be honest, I thought that was Neo for a second…until it started talking of course
#rwby#neopolitan#rwby 9#rwby 9 spoilers#could you blame me though?#the opening had her at a tea party for Christ sake
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Adding To or Starting a Garden
AKA, the beginning of the Plants-Related section of this series.
This is my third post in a series I’ll be making on how to increase biodiversity on a budget! I’m not an expert--just an enthusiast--but I hope something you find here helps!
Got an area of lawn you’d like to convert to a wildlife haven? An area you can stick some hanging baskets in? Want to know how your garden of tomatoes and zucchinis is already putting in a lot of work? This is the section for you!
It would be dumb of me to not acknowledge that the act of gardening can come with a lot of costs. Buying seeds, buying plants, buying soil, raised bed materials, mulch, etc. … it can all get a bit daunting, let’s be honest! But there’s quite a few ways to get seeds and plants for free or extremely cheap, which I’ll be addressing in this section! The next section will be all about addressing the other Costs in gardening and how to mitigate or eliminate them entirely.
Also, do keep in mind; there’s no need to try and convert a whole area from lawn to garden or unused to garden at once. In fact, it could actually be extremely beneficial to do it a little at a time--maybe four or five square feet to start out.
Front Lawn (or Managing Principles)
If you live in a place where you’re required to have a grass turf lawn (HOA’s come to mind…), try replacing it with native grasses instead! You could even possibly use a low-growing ground cover plant like clover to a similar effect! Reseeding/replacing an entire lawn can be a big upfront cost, but even just letting the lawn be a little messy and tall helps. If the lawn gets patchy, leave the bare spots for a little while and something different will likely pop up! Pioneer species will fill the gaps and provide benefits to other plants around them, support animals, and more! If you want to take the guesswork out of it, you could always research what the pioneer species are in your area and plant the ones you like most.
Obtaining Seeds for Cheap or Free
The cheapest way to start a garden is by far via seeds. However, seeds can be a bit complicated to grow, and some sources make them… way overpriced. Fortunately there are ways to get seeds for little to no cost!
Some places sell seeds for as low as a dollar, 50 cents, or 25 cents! The packets may not have a lot of seeds, but it’s definitely a good start for a low budget! I’ve personally bought cheap seed packets at Walmart--the Ferry-Morse and Burpee brands are not what we’re looking for here. Typically the cheaper ones I’ve found are American Seed (which is owned by Green Garden Products, which also owns Ferry-Morse, Livingston Seed, McKenzie Seed, and Seeds of Change. Do with that information what you will), but they’re rarely stocked near the Ferry-Morse ones in the Formal Gardening Section. I’ve most often found them on end caps near the gardening section, so you may have to weave through a few aisles to find them, but once you do there’s an array of flower and vegetable seeds to select from! Alternatively, I’ve found seeds at Dollar Tree sold 2 or 4 for a dollar in Spring as part of their seasonal product; however, when they’re out of stock, they’re typically out of stock for the year. Try to check them out early in the year!
Otherwise, other seed companies like Urban Farmer or Botanical Interests will often have semi-frequent sales in spring and fall, when people are stocking up on seeds--joining their email lists can help you be the first to know when a good sale is going on!
Some foods from grocery stores will provide seeds that you can use in the garden as well. I’ve had the most luck with store-bought bagged beans, peppers, and tomatoes. Some people have had luck with watermelons, apples, citrus, squash, and more. Do keep in mind that you likely won’t get the same variety of fruit/vegetable as the one you bought--the resulting plant may look different and taste different.
Give it a shot! Pick some beans you like--if they don't grow well, at least you can eat the rest!
If you live in the US, food-producing live plants, bare roots, and seeds can often be purchased with SNAP benefits. But what does growing fruits, veggies, and herbs have to do with boosting biodiversity? While food crops aren’t typically native, they still provide valuable shelter for native insects. Some plants even have intricate relationships with native fauna--like the squash bee, a solitary bee which exclusively pollinates cucurbits like pumpkins, squash, and zucchini. And we get to benefit more directly as well! If you’re planting a diverse range of foods in your garden (as opposed to the swaths of single-plant farms that typically produce what’s sent to grocery stores), you’re supporting high levels of biodiversity by providing a variety of plants for creatures to live and hunt around.
Most of the time, when we think of boosting biodiversity with a garden, we think of a colorful flower garden teeming with pollinator species. However, if we’re striving to use native species, it can be a bit difficult to find some species in stores. I can say from experience that trying to find any wildflower seeds other than butterfly weed, purple coneflowers, and black-eyed-susans is… challenging, if you limit yourself to stores like Walmart, Home Depot, and Lowe’s. You might occasionally get lucky with an ACE Hardware or a local nursery, but even then sometimes it can be hard to track down who in your area is selling what--let alone if you live in an area where no one really is selling native plants or their seeds. Not to mention, even once you find a local or online store selling the seeds you want, they can sometimes cost a pretty penny. So what do you do?
If you have the option to, consider gathering native seeds yourself! Get good at identifying the native flora and fauna--or at least, a few target plants and their lookalikes--and get ready to go! Learn where they tend to grow, when they’ll be seeding, etc. Try to identify the plant before it goes to seed (for most plants, it's easiest to identify when flowering), then check back regularly to gather seeds. Typically, if I want to learn how to collect seed from a specific plant, I just search it on Google or YouTube--oftentimes, I'm lead to the GrowItBuildIt Youtube page, so it may be a helpful resource for you as well! Of course, make sure to leave plenty of seed behind so the wild population can repopulate, and seed can feed other creatures in the area. A good rule of thumb is to take no more than 1/3rd of what's available.
Buying seed in bulk is an option if you can afford the upfront cost. Try teaming up with a few friends to buy some bulk seeds and split them amongst yourselves--you’ll get tons of seed! Prairie Moon is a popular site that'll sell seeds by the pound if you can afford the price--though they're in the US, and I believe they focus on Midwest and East Coast natives.
If you want to cheat the system, don’t buy bulk sunflower seeds--buy bags of sunflower seeds being sold as birdseed. They’re typically all black oil sunflower seeds, but they’ll sprout, and they’re fairly cheap for the amount you get!
However, beware generic wildflower seed mixes! Many brands like to sell wildflower seed mixes in big box stores like Home Depot, Target, or even Dollar Tree, but they’ll often include flowers that aren’t native or possibly even invasive in your region! Before you make any purchases, double check to make sure the contained seeds won’t do more harm than good! A quality source of native seeds will provide English and Latin names for all seeds included, and will be native to the region or at least non-invasive.
See this? I don't trust this.
There’s a good handful of programs online that’ll send you free seeds if you’re planning to start a native habitat project! Poke around online and see what you can find; you might get lucky! The best time to start looking for these is fall and winter, I find--by early spring, many of them are either done or beginning to wind down... though some also start up in spring. Ultimately--just check regularly! You never know what you can find!
Other Ways to Get Plants
Don’t want to start from seed? That’s fair! You can try cuttings! Just be sure not to take too much of the plant while you do so. Make sure you’ve gotten a few leaf nodes on your cutting, and cut any flowers you may have gotten. Make sure to leave some blooms and foliage on the original plant for the creatures in the current habitat--you don’t want to destroy one habitat to make another in your garden. There’s tons of methods of rooting cuttings, many of which have different efficacy rates for different plants, but that’s a topic for another post.
If you find seedlings growing in a place where they won’t be able to sustain themselves long-term, or are in danger of being destroyed, consider relocating them! You may be able to gently dig up and transplant the seedling to your garden. Don’t do this if they’re in a place where they can easily survive--ideally, you’ll be taking plants from sidewalk cracks, heavily maintained public gardens, roadsides, etc. Do be careful while doing this--ensure your safety first!
You’re totally allowed to join gardening communities like clubs, facebook groups, and more before you’ve even put a trowel to the dirt. These are great places to learn information and advice! Many gardeners are more than happy to help out a new gardener, and will eagerly provide seeds, cuttings, or even baby plants! Talk to some people about your gardening journey and what you’re hoping to do, and you just might find some kindred spirits--or at least get more people interested in the topic!
Seed and plant giveaways and trades happen all the time in gardening clubs, as well as online! Just poke around and see what you can find! Some are explicitly trades, meaning you’re expected to send something in return, but once you get your feet on the ground with some plant knowledge you’ll be stellar! You may be able to explain you’re just starting out, and someone may send you seeds without expecting a trade, but I’d suggest trying giveaways first.
Poke around online and see if there’s a local chapter of your state’s native plant society. From there, you’ll likely be able to find a calendar of events--many of them will host plant sales in the spring, with a bunch of native plant seedlings ripe for the pickings if you can make it out and have some money to spare! Fair warning, though, you’ll want to get there early if you can. If they say they’re starting at 10, try to get there by 9:45. Year after year, there’s always record turnout, and they sell out of plants faster than ever. Just trust me on this. I’ve been let down; hopefully you won’t have to be.
Some libraries are beginning to host seed libraries! Check around and see if your library has one! Ideally, the system works best if you also have seeds to contribute in return, but if you’re just starting out I’m sure they won’t mind you taking some seeds! Just consider saving some seeds to contribute in the future and pay it forward. If your library doesn’t have a seed library? Consider asking if they’d be willing to start one! Community interest is a great way to get the ball rolling on projects like these, but they’ll only know the community is interested if the community tells them they’re interested!
Volunteer to Garden for/with Someone Else
Maybe someone in your area wants to garden, but is struggling to find the time/energy. Many elderly people who used to garden simply can’t anymore but still would like a garden. Other people may love to have a helping hand in their garden. You might even find a few people in your area interested in renting and sharing a community garden plot with others, so they don't have to handle it all on their own! They may be interested in increasing biodiversity right now, or may be willing to if it’s brought up to them. You might be just the kind of person someone needs! Since it won't be your garden, you’ll likely need a bit of permission and collaboration to get anything in particular going, but it’s worth a shot and a way to maybe even make friends!
Again, your mileage may vary with some of these. You may not know where there's a bunch of wildflowers growing in your area, or maybe your local library doesn't have a free seed library. That's okay! Do what you're able to, find what you can find, get what you can get! And there's never any shame with starting small--in fact, starting small can make the project easier to manage and expand when you're able!
That's the end of this post! My next post is gonna be about ways to start growing plants cheaply--low cost seed starting set ups, essentially. There's a lot of good options, many of which I've used myself even! Until then, I hope this advice is helpful! Feel free to reply with any questions, success stories, or anything you think I may have forgotten to add in!
#biodiversity#solarpunk#gardening#outdoor gardening#growing from seed#ani rambles#out of queue#the biodiversity saga#i will be honest I have never flat out approached people to offer to help them garden#HOWEVER. People HAVE approached ME asking ME to help THEM with/plan THEIR garden#granted it was after I'd been gardening for a good few years. and its mostly family or family friends but yknow#people would be like 'oh wanna help me with my veggie garden?' even before I tried growing vegetables#i don't think the library near me has a seed library but you just wait until i. get the courage. to go to the library regularly.#i've seen people also make their own little seed library structures kinda like a little free library but like#i dont think my neighborhood is about that life.#if any of yall have those though it could be a great resource! also send pics because I love seeing them#not to say that this post should become a giant seed trade but if it did become that i would be the opposite of mad#if there's any typos blame my sister shes got the hotel room at like 60-something degrees and I am FREEZING#welp time to shut up now bye
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wish they hadn’t bitched out on having will kill bob in s2. do you know what i would have done with that all-encompassing and inescapable guilt
#like yes will blames himself to an extent but#it could have been so juicy. there is so much there.#the way it would have changed joyce and will’s relationship forever even though she CANT blame him and she DOESNT blame him#there would still be the tiniest part!!!! the smallest fraction!!!!!!!!!#putting will byers in a pickle jar and shaking him around. you haven’t suffered enough for me
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I'm not ready to shut up about Aveline and Carver--so, when you go see Aveline in Act 1, you can catch up with her a little bit and that's where this conversation can happen:
Aveline: "It's just one more change, though. The real end for me was Ostagar. What about you, Carver? You were there. Do you feel something similar?" Carver: No. Aveline: All right, then. Bit of a tit, your brother.
I wanted to see what she would say if Carver isn't in the party. Instead, she says this:
Aveline: Carver was there. I imagine he feels something similar. If he allows it.
......well, at least she didn't call him a tit?
#dragon age 2#da2#carver hawke#aveline vallen#she's slightly nicer to him when he's not there but she's still like 'maybe he feels something similar but probably pretends not to'#like i'm not gonna pretend that carver doesn't bottle any feelings--he doesn't openly talk about bethany a lot for a reason#but to suggest he pretends to be unfeeling about things like ostagar is incorrect like he CLEARLY feels a lot about it#because he associates the battle at ostagar with losing his home and sister to the darkspawn#after playing as a warrior hawke who is best friends with aveline i do have a little more insight into why she might think this about carve#when hawke is a warrior they were at ostagar. they share that traumatic experience with aveline and if they're friends#they discuss it in a way that i think aveline *wants* y'know? but with carver he doesn't respond the way she wants him to#so she gets frustrated since even if she tried to talk to hawke about it... hawke wasn't there. hawke doesnt KNOW what ostagar#was like but carver does... but it's like aveline is ready to assume the worst of carver a lot of the time?#like 'carver doesn't talk about it because he's a tit who pretends not to feel' is the vibe i get from this but aveline...#that's like calling you a tit because you don't want to openly discuss all your feelings about your dead husband#listen aveline and carver are so similar but they have such key differences like they both survived the horror of ostagar#and lost a loved one to darkspawn while fleeing lothering AND they both blame hawke for it to a degree#even though they both know that's not right and that it wasn't really hawke's fault#they're both stubborn warriors with daddy issues looking to find their place#and when it comes to flirting? well i don't think carver's as bad as aveline#but i played MotA i know all about 'you could tame its wild heart'#but the key differences come in how they the end the game y'know? especially if carver's on the friendship path as a warden#i still haven't made him a templar but something tells me he ends up more on the same road as aveline#vs when he's a grey warden and able to be away from kirkwall and find a place on his own#y'all i could write a whole essay on aveline and carver but i paused my game to write this so i should go back to that sksksk
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I had a dream last night that me and Docm77 were trapped in a warzone and he tackled me to the ground to save me from gunfire and then together we took out like ten guys.
I'm sure this says something about my psyche and that something is that if I ever met Docm77 in real life I think we would commit war crimes.
#spazzcat barks#docm77#i.... dont know where the dream came from#maybe ive been?? reading too much Iliad lately??? i dont know????#anyway thank you docm77 from saving me from being dream murdered by a bunch of guys with machine guns and rifles#we were definitely on the wrong side of the warfront we shouldnt have gotten seperated from the main body of reinforcements like that#he did jumpscare me though he was standing quiet and still as a statue#im guessing because he was hoping we wouldnt be spotted#and when we were he tackled me in a very Foxy from FNAF style jumpscare#also i blame his freaky redstone eye for us not successfully hiding that thing glows in the dark man youve gotta do something about that#anyway welcome back to: every time i sleep for more than 5 hours a night i have#violent dreams and nightmares that both god and man wish they could study under a microscope
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Yo! Just noticed it’s the anniversary of when I finished my second fanfic Dreamcatcher, which is the work I actually started to lean into writing fanfiction (since my first work I really just wrote for myself before being encouraged to share it).
So, in honor of that, here is some of the original second nightmare which was actually written from Dream’s pov before I ended up changing it to Punz’s.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Referenced Torture, Blood, Death, Injuries, Profanity.
Dream is wet and panting, in a puddle of watery red flowing into an equally crimson pond to his side, where the non diluted liquid gets thicker.
There’s white fur stuck in it as the body of a dog, slashed to bits lies there next to him. Both sitting in the despairing silence of the box.
Tears form in the corners of his eyes and his vision gets blurry, but he doesn’t let them fall. He just exhales.
Why does everything die around him? Why does everything he dare to care a smidge about get taken from him?
As if to follow his thoughts, the white turns to black. The fluffy bloodied dog shifts into a cat that’s long since stopped breathing. Dream turns his head, and faintly smirks at the sight of the additional body sprawled out on the floor next to him.
He mutters to the corpse under his breath, rolling his eyes, “To be fair, you were being a bitch. Like don’t blame me, you know you d—deserved it… I mean I lasted like—how long before beating your head in? That’s pretty impressive—pretty fucking impressive, you know.”
Tommy’s body doesn’t respond, just stays there, unmoving and uncharacteristically quiet. His face swollen and bruised, not unlike the innocent cat he beat to death.
Then his body evaporates and Dream finds himself in a new room, accented with black walls and bedrock. It’s detail is perfectly ominous like he wanted.
He’s kneeling, unguarded by armor with an audience of people surrounding him. His heart beats rapidly threatening to burst out of his chest at the danger. But he ignores it.
Indignant, Tommy rips off the mask that always covers his face. Exposing his pale skin to the cool air and the venomously judging faces.
Despite the frustration at his denial of privacy, he doesn’t so much as dignify it with a flinch. It was expected. He was ready. He’s not about to show weakness in front of a crowd.
They are silent as the axe lands, and lands again before lady death finally embraces him.
They are silent as the sword finds its place in his chest and he falls to the ground, bleeding out into the cold stone beneath him.
It’s ok. He knew this would happen. It was expected, it was planned. He didn’t know they’d kill him twice, but it’s fine.
On one life, he makes his way back down with sharp pain running through his veins. Somehow it seems duller than the pain in the prison cell, though it can’t have been less excruciating.
Tommy once again stands above him savagely firing arrows away. As they pierce his flesh and bone, he searches the cold faces around him and listens intently, hoping to hear one sound of objection to his approaching final death.
Surely, someone will say something, right? Surely, someone will oppose his final death, right? Surely, they woundn’t let Tommy kill him off in cold blood. Would they?
But there’s nothing from them. Absolutely nothing. Standing there, dripping in blood, he feels his heart entirely disintegrate into nothing. Leaving only a hollow emptiness in its wake.
Then suddenly he’s freezing from more than just death and despondency. He’s surrounded by ice. Their pillars, tall and sharp, casting the land in a pointed terrain. Despite the bone chilling air and his frozen insides, he stands, planted to the ground, looking at a sign pinned to the glacier. The wood marking the death of his parrot that travelled so far only to die there.
A deep sigh is released from his lungs and the scene smears into broad strokes of colors. Until a well known bleak room encases him in lava and obsidian again.
Sitting there with nothing but the annoying sounds of the prison to keep him company, he wonders if he’s always destined to lose everything. Was it always going to end up like this? Was he always going to end up alone?
#I swear I do plan on expanding this work into a series… I can’t believe it’s been a year and I still haven’t posted any of related fics… oo#blame bad and techno for claiming me attention lol… anyways I do have lots written so it’s coming… :)#leftovers#c!dream#thank y’all so much for your support. kind words. and for encouraging me to write more and making me feel safe to do so and share it. <3#writing has been really good for my mental health this past year and not only being allowed to do so#but having people enjoy it has been really really healing for me so thank you so much <3 <3#thanks for being the first fandom that emboldened me to write fanfic <3#dreamcatcher#dsmp#dreblr#dsmp dream#for real though… I could have written such good arrow and supernatural and maybe even Loki fanfic if I’d know fandoms could be so supportiv#(and that fanfic isn’t just about ships… XD)#dream smp#dsmp fanfic
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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i dont take selfies often so here's a dirty mirror pic from valentines day and then 2 doodles of my outfits from when i went to back to back trans noise shows the weekend before all my finals were due
#happy tdov i love you smile#first show was so fucked up because i didnt mean to bring my jacket over but i was walking to the venue and forgot to leave it in my studio#MISTAKE. i had a longsleeve under it and a tank .... fucking sweating bullets in the pit all night it was so gross. but like can u blame me#it was cold as fuck on the walk because this was like mid december#second show of that weekend was so awesome though i had a ride and it was raining too so we could take a break between sets to cool off#got covered all over in bruises that night. and then i went back to my studio on campus and sat my ass down and started writing for the#zine i posted today. wheeeeee. ''we're still here'' on the poster back was referencing my fave song / album by hirs collective btw.. show 2
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Hi krenny, about what we discussed last time
What if by being normal Trey meant he's not special, trying to hide his real UM power. Like the trope of a genius who pretends to be average and wants to enjoy the normalcy of life because if others found out it would bring them problems and unwanted attention
I'm not saying Trey is a genius but maybe he's trying to do the same thing. Who knows, maybe he doesn't want special treatment or others trying to take advantage of his abilities (eg. If azul ever found out there's more to doodle suit than trey let's on, he'd do anything to get his grubby hands on an UM that changes matter. Basically the philosopher's stone.)
I do agree with what someone said that he's wearing this "I am normal" as an armor but maybe what's he's trying to say is he's not special but others think he means he's not weird and take it the wrong way assuming he must be weird if he insists on it that much?
Saki, I think you're COMPLETELY correct with this!
Trey is very powerful, very competent, and VERY clever. He's almost the inverse of Jamil in what he does. He hides his abilities, but unlike Jamil, Trey doesn't want that attention. Instead of acknowledgement, Trey wants comfort. And he has found that the way to reach his desires is to stay in the background, keeping things running from the shadows, and only stepping out when absolutely necessary.
Trey is incredible, truly, but constantly lowers himself so as to not stand out. Whether that be in an "I don't want to be seen as weird" way, or an "I don't want to be seen as special" way, I think the outcome is the same. He just wants things to be comfortable for him, and for Trey, that seems to be in the form of staying out of the spotlight.
#twst#twisted wonderland#trey clover#my darling baker ♡#you know... it also reminds me of that one line of Jade's from his Ceremonial Robes card#''I do enjoy observing humans but I'd rather not be on the receiving end. Ha ha ha... Is that what they call ''stage fright''?''#it's a little different but also similar to Trey - both want to stay out of the spotlight and just do their work without much attention#I love Trey#(and Jade)#it does frustrate me a bit though... Trey could do SO MUCH if he let himself. but I don't blame him for wanting to do things his way either#krenenbaker's questions#saki✧🌊
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"woah i can't believe you've read blue sky!"
hoho. my dear followers. i have done more than read it. do you have any idea what you are dealing with.
#portal#blue sky#not art#there are two fanfic authors works i would want printed. waffles is one and i did it.#these are levels of tism you cannot even BEGIN to fathom. this book was my Personality in high school.#i mean so was portal in general but 9 years later and I've still not read a better fanfic#i've read some banger fics but blue sky remains its own level#this thing is like two inches thick. it has art in it. its beautiful. i could kill someone with it though. phonebook#alarmingly some people don't even know i like portal which is really funny#because my youtube has a bunch of crappy portal fan animations and my sona's orange hoodie is an Aperture hoodie#but i never draw myself from behind. so. actually can't blame you dhjbfjhdsfghj#my most popular video has over a million views because i edited glados into a cafeteria as a school project#i was Not Normal about portal or blue sky. not even remotely#i LOVE portal its my FAVORITE videogame#IF YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING ME SINCE MY CRAPPY PORTAL FANART DAYS YOU ARE A REAL ONE !!!!!!!!!!!!
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OKAYYYYY!!! THE LAST PDBC POLL I DID RESULTED IN A FOUR WAY TIE (VERY GOOD FOR ME BECAUSE I LOVE TO YAP) SO I SHALL START OFF THE STRING OF LONG RAMBLING CHARACTER POSTS WITH MY BELOVED BELLONA!!! once again, because I’ve already talked about her a bit, there’ll be a lotta retreaded stuff. Also she, or really anyone else for that matter, does not have the sheer amount of lore that pumpkin daddy has, so this and the others will be a lot shorter (HEARTBREAKING) (IT’S ABOUT 3.9K WORDS COMPARED TO THE MONSTROUS 7K WORD PUMPKIN DADDY RANT)But nevertheless:
MUCH LIKE. PRETTY MUCH EVERY CHARACTER there is not a lot known about her early years (or, more accurately, I do not want to have to come up with anything for her early years). Her early life was pretty boring honestly. She grew up in a pretty secluded desert environment with her parents and older cousin. It’s never said what her family did for work, it’s left purposefully vague, actually, but it’s some sort of government job that’s extremely secretive. Do not ask about the mysterious government projects taking place in the desert, do not ask about the mysterious government’s projects taking place in the desert, DO NOT—
anyway her cousin is probably the only interesting thing about this time. Her cousin’s name is Glad (usually goes by her first and last name hyphenated together, so Glad-Yu) and she doesn’t have a mouth!! what!!! Yeah so Glad has a rare genetic condition that makes it so she doesn’t have a mouth (it also affects her hearing. She also has a distant relative who has the same condition, his name is Di and there is Literally nothing to know about him other than a very brief plot point that really doesn’t have anything to do with him directly). BUT DON’T WORRY SHE’S FINE she has a device that can transfer nutrients to her directly so not being able to eat isn’t a problem. As for communication, she just uses a kind of sign language. Anyways!!! Because she grew up in such a secluded area, only ever being around her cousin and parents, Bellona’s social skills are absolute garbage!!! Even aside from that, she’s also just kinda generally unsociable. Not in a social anxiety way, she just does Not Like most people and can be rude. One would be inclined to blame it on environmental factors or simple misunderstanding of social situations due to her very obvious lack of social skills, but alas, no. Perhaps sometimes that is the case, but for the most part, she’s just being an asshole, no way around it. She’s quite lovely to the people she does like, but to everyone else, not so much.
But back to the main timeline! Things actually start for her when she’s around 16ish. She very badly wanted to become a firefighter, but was too young to actually become one. She thought this was ABSOLUTE TRAVESTY. She was way in over her head and thought she was totally ready to do such a dangerous job (she was not!!!) and didn’t want to wait—she just wanted to jump into her career immediately. Luckily for her, or more so unluckily, there was a shady and definitely not official fire department that was oh so pleased to have such an enthusiastic new member! What joy! Haha it doesn’t matter you’re 16 you can join us (NO SHE CAN’T). By some miracle, things went alright for her in the first year or so. She was actually pretty good at her job, or at least as good as an inexperienced teenager could be. About a year into her quote unquote career, she got sent off to fight a 3 alarm fire, during which she got trapped. That alone would be bad enough, but because the fire department she worked for was extremely unprofessional, her safety gear didn’t work properly and it resulted in her getting badly burned from her shoulder to up to her ear.
She was for the most part fine, but was, understandably, extremely traumatized by the incident and became even more reclusive than before. By that point she’d moved out of her parent’s place and lived with Glad. Even through everything, still had that stubborn impatience and became EXTREMELY bored with doing nothing all the time. And being bored and impulsive is not a good combination!!! She eventually made the impromptu decision to go to medical school to become a doctor. Glad tried to talk her out of it, trying to convince her that it was NOT a good idea to do that, but Bellona was set in her ways and left the desert to go to some cheap-ass college. Surprisingly, she was extremely talented in the medical field despite having little to no experience. She landed an internship at the hospital she stayed at during the whole Almost Fucking Dying thing and in her free time developed ways to make Glad’s life easier. It became apparent rather quickly she was a bit of a savant in the medical field, instantly picking up on everything and getting perfect grades. Because of this she was offered to go to a more prestigious school on some faraway island with the weird-ass name of Fincg island. Oh wow this is all going well looks like her life is really on the up and up (WRONG) (DONT FORGET THAT SHE DIES BY THE END)
SO!!! Everything was…relatively stable for a while. Though the more time passed the more time she realized she was maybe starting to regret her career choices and she badly missed Glad. But it wasn’t all bad because she managed to actually get a social circle (SHOCKING), including a woman named Sirene. And Sirene was beautiful!!! Woah!!! So they began dating. How pleasant, I’m sure this can only end well! (it does not) BUUUT ANYWAY Bellona continued breezing through college (well. As much as you can breeze through something as tedious as med school) to become a surgeon, more specifically an orthopedic surgeon. “hey yknow isn’t it kinda strange how she’s doing that all so fast, I mean by this point she’s only freshly in her mid twenties—“ EXCELLENT OBSERVATION. I KNOW!! COUNTERPOINT, THERE ARE SENTIENT GRANOLA BARS IN THIS UNIVERSE, SO MED SCHOOL GOING FASTER THAN IN REALITY IS NOT THAT STRANGE. BUT DEFENDING PLOT HOLES ASIDE—yeah she was on the path to becoming an orthopedic surgeon. During this time, she also started babysitting a relative of hers in her spare time, Minerva. Minerva isn’t really relevant to the rest of this so don’t expect a lot about her BUT the point is, taking care of Minerva made Bellona realize “OH MAN I WANT KIDS.” Despite her being kind of uncaring to everyone else, she’s an absolute sweetheart towards kids and is surprisingly good with them. She WILL be rude to everyone around her but she will ALSO teach the precious little ones how to bake.
BUT ALAS!!! things with Sirene were Not working out!! Even after being together for a bit over a year it became obvious that there was no real spark between them. Sirene ABSOLUTELY BROKE AND DEMOLISHED bellona’s heart by breaking up with her although bellona wasn’t actually that upset but EEEEYIKES SHE WAS TOO BUSY WITH HER JOB TO UNPACK THOSE FEELINGS!!! and thus began a horrible string of failed relationships! Whoops! (Technically this stuff happens Later in the story but for the sake of clarity I’ll just put it all here in this section) she was out there speedrunning relationships and was VERY pissed off that nobody she dated was “the one”!!! Eventually though she started seeing one of her coworkers, a dude by the name of Dr. Faul. Faul is the human equivalent to a slice of white bread. Bland and inoffensive. He is also one of my favorite unimportant characters. Faul proposed to her while she was at his family’s home over the holidays and OH FUCK. OH SHIT. THAT IS SIRENE. yup turns out Sirene is faul’s sister. And she was there. There was an incredibly awkward moment of realization from the both of them, faul was over here pouring his heart out and bellona was just staring in pure terror at his sister who she was making out with sloppy style like 6 months ago. She kinda just reluctantly accepted his proposal to try to diffuse the awkwardness but then immediately went to talk to Sirene. Sirene apologized for dumping her so abruptly, and explained that she since realized the reason the relationship wasn’t working was because she was aromantic. Bellona was like “what the FUCK is an aromantic” and after having it explained to her there was a moment of horrified realization of “oh ok that explains a lot actually.” But alaaaas no matter how much Sirene tried to convince Bellona to just break off the engagement now NOPE it is TOO LATE I’m marrying your brother. Spoiler alert she did Not last long in that plan and like a week later she broke up with him. The breakup was recorded on a hacked security camera by some clown named JS (will get to him someday, he doesn’t have a lot to him but he was arguably the beginning of pdbc as a whole so he has a special place in my heart) and uploaded in a fail compilation online. Faul then earned the name Dr. Fail and he spent the rest of his days, as described by bellona, “wandering around like a lost spirit.” All that stuff Really isn’t important to the plot but I just so very much love Dr. Fail, he did nothing wrong but ended up being the victim of public ridicule
BUT OK. ALL THAT STUFF ASIDE. this is where things actually get interesting. Aka it is where the man the myth the legend PUMPKIN DADDY comes in. WOOOOOO so a patient came in, some fella who apparently was hurt in a horrible accident. and she HATED him right from the start. She didn’t even recognize him as the literal owner of the island, he was just this asshole who she had to deal with (she’s in general not very in tune with the customs of fincg island, never bothered to even try to adapt). Absolute piece of work, she did Not like him. Would probably have left him to suffer if it wasn’t her job to help him. Pumpkin daddy was pissed off the entire time and constantly trying to leave (NO you CANNOT just stand up and leave you have a SERIOUS BACK INJURY get the HELL BACK HERE) and just. yeah. It was the exact opposite of immediately hitting things off. I’ve mentioned before that her bedside manner was already iffy but for him especially she didn’t even try to hide her disdain. At the time she was not so subtly trying to get fired because she really started to hate her job but didn’t have the courage to up and quit, so she wasnt even trying to be nice in hopes of getting fired. But alas she was too talented and they kept her around. Buuut nonetheless she helped pumpkin daddy out of necessity. Unfortunately for her she was stuck around him for a while, and, as I mentioned in a previous long rambling post, they eventually developed a convoluted hate fueled not-friends-friendship. basically just bonded over their mutual hate for each other. Kinda gotta skip around a bit here bc I already yapped abt this part in the pumpkin daddy essay but YEAH
Eventually she developed a morbid fascination with him (as I think anyone would, honestly) and started hating him Slightly less. Keyword being slightly. They’d sometimes chat for a bit, but the true bonding moment was when they mutually decided hey. Wouldn’t it be so funny if you committed medical malpractice. SO SHE DID she performed a very illegal quote unquote “spine lengthening surgery” to make him two inches taller. By some miracle it was a success and once again because of her prestigious position as a respected surgeon nobody ever called her out for it. She also gave him a skeleton tattoo on his back when he was knocked out and he didn’t notice for years lmao. Anyhoo she’d occasionally hang around him outside of work to go to the illegal crab restaurant bc she couldn’t find it on her own, and on the way she’d do things to scare the shit out of him. Mostly as payback for the time pumpkin daddy startled her to the point she almost crashed backwards into the used syringe disposal and eeeyikes that would not have ended well! But she was VERY much poking the bear here, I cannot express how bad of an idea this was. She is like 4 foot 11 and pumpkin daddy is like 6 foot 3 and he could fucking snap her neck with no problem. He. Did not do that, obviously, but im just saying this was a BAD idea. She’s basically like a chihuahua, just a hatred filled little gremlin who tries to intimidate people that could beat her up in an instant
ANYWAY after a while of going to the illegal crab restaurant every weekend, she learned from pumpkin daddy and Gourdie about TBYTF and started studying it with them. She didn’t really make any big breakthroughs about it, she was basically just stuck being the mediator between the two because they had VERY different opinions on TBYTF. She planted a bunch of hybrid roses around (which she argued was just as cool as pumpkin daddy’s hybrids, come on, look, the roses are blue AND pink, that’s way better than making human life from scratch). Pumpkin daddy hated these roses but he didn’t dare touch them as to not ignite her fury. She’d occasionally bring Glad to the restaurant when she was in town, or Sirene (who was now on good terms with her) and they’d have a jolly old time(?) that’s probably not an accurate description. But they sure did had…a time, alright. When pumpkin daddy and Gourdie got divorced she���was not much of a help! She barely listened to their tearful ramblings. She probably ended up making them feel worse because it was Very Obvious she did not care. She would just silently nod and say “awesomesauce” as if that’s an appropriate response to “my wife is leaving me.” But she did help out a little bit by taking care of extra while they sorted things out. Even then her helpfulness was…questionable, she had no qualms with expressing her distaste with the circumstances of the divorce right in front of extra. Like in the middle of comforting him she’d say stuff like “it’ll be fine, they’re just being stupid. Apparently, communication isn’t in their vocabulary, but “you’re a shithead fairy betrayer” is.” But she made extra a lil necklace so it’s okay that she was swearing in front of children.
As a bit of a side tangent, during this time she became extremely petty on the matter of art. Art of any kind. Music, writing, drawing, anything of the sort. Turns out she sucks at it. I mean sure she can become a prestigious surgeon at a relatively young age and is excellent at math but for the life of her she can not do anything remotely artistic. She attempted to show off her alleged piano skills but turns out she only knew one song and even then pumpkin daddy played it better. Pumpkin daddy bought a guitar and she was so pissed off that he was immediately better than her at it that she threw it off a mountain (pumpkin daddy proceeded to retrieve the busted guitar and just tape it back together like nothing happened). She tried to write a children’s book cause ok, she’s good with kids, can’t be that hard right WRONG she failed miserably and got so mad she burnt down a library. Despite having extremely traumatic experiences with fires. She was so pissed off she forgot to be afraid of fire. So yeah she is uh. Not all too talented in anything other than strictly analytical or scientific fields.
BUT MOVING ON. As I said in an earlier post, she eventually quit her job and moved back to the desert with Glad to continue the Secret Government Project. She didn’t expect to ever come back even for a brief visit because she wouldn’t have the time (and, let’s face it, there’s no reason to travel all that way just to see PUMPKIN DADDY of all people) but remained in contact via the occasional letter. BEFORE SHE LEFT THOUGH pumpkin daddy pulled the ultimate and definitely not morally dubious prank of making a hybrid of her! He created human life solely to freak her out! And it worked! The hybrid’s name was hybelle and Bellona was NOT amused and was quite glad to not have to deal with it once she left! Hybelle was a pretty accurate hybrid of her though, there’s a bit more to her but that would fit more in with the Fina essay that I will. Eventually write.
She didn’t really do anything of major importance while back in the desert except for one thing that I completely forgot about until right as im writing this and it’s making me giggle like a fool, she saved Minerva from choking on a building. Like just straight up a building idk the logistics of it either. She was at Minerva’s college graduation and Minerva Somehow choked on the administrative building and the visual is making me laugh way too hard so I will just get on with it. BUT UH YEAH she didn’t do a whole lot during this point, was mostly just doing secretive government stuff with Glad and baking blueberry muffins. She couldn’t start a family because she neither had the time or energy, and she can’t have children (which pumpkin daddy blames himself for. “why the hell does he think it’s his fault” EXCELLENT QUESTION he once mistakenly released a mutated virus across the land that nearly killed off the cow population because it made them infertile. bellona helped make the cure for it and months later when she offhandedly mentioned she couldn’t have kids he just assumed it was because of her proximity to the whole rampant cow disease thing. It is Not the case, but he doesn’t know that and has lived in guilt ever since).
ANYWAY UH OH. WAR TIME. SHE DIES WE ALL KNOW THIS. so uh she eventually caught wind of the war going on on Fincg island and knowing that pumpkin daddy was probably doing a horrible job at dealing with it, she for the first time in decades left to go back. Less of a happy reunion and more of planning to beat him up until he had some sense knocked into him. Very literally the first thing she planned to do was tackle him when she saw him. She planned to meet him at the illegal crab restaurant but uh. He never showed up! Which was odd, considering he follows a very strict schedule that every weekend he goes to the illegal crab restaurant. But alas he never showed and she was just waiting there like a fool. After a few hours of waiting she thought she heard him but uhhh whoops it was not him. And she tackled a cat (SO much more to it than that but the cat (gloss) doesn’t yet have enough lore to justify an essay on him. Maybe someday, the lore’s always growing so maybe Gloss will have his time to shine). And broke its neck. She was incredibly distraught by this and was freaking out when UH OH!!! HERE COMES TBYTF!! YEAH SO idk if yall remember but the illegal crab restaurant is directly in TBYTF’s territory, and turns out, when there’s a corpse up there, the first thing it does is revive it. So gloss came back to life (now slightly possessed by tbytf due to it being what brought him back to life) and he was horrified at what he was seeing. A CRAB RESTAURANT. bellona pleaded with him not to tell anyone about it but that little pest ran down the mountain and called the police to report such a horrible, illegal establishment.
A BIT LATER THOUGH. UH. she was trying even more desperately to find pumpkin daddy and got caught in the central city, which at this point was a violent war zone. She almost escaped relatively unscathed but uh. We all know that is not how it goes! She got spotted by Terri, a Jorgan clan enthusiast (“hey wait don’t you have a pikmin oc named Terri” ERM YES. AND UH. THE PDBC TERRI CAME FIRST. GOOD LUCK ENJOYING MY MOTH-LOVING PIKMIN OC KNOWING THAT THIS IS WHO SHE’S BASED ON🥰🥰 A MURDERER). Terri was not happy seeing someone affiliated with the pumpkin clan in any way and uh. shot her. yeah. She didn’t immediately die, she ended up finding Extra throughout all the chaos and got him to pass on a message to pumpkin daddy. And then she. Yknow. died.
Ok so. There is technically more, but that part is…extremely undercooked. I tried to write it out and it was mostly just “I don’t know why this is yet or what happens after this BUT—“ and I think it’s best I don’t mention it at all lmao. It was only added to the story in like the last 2 weeks so it is not well developed!! At all!!Point is though Bellona’s fiiiiine she got to rest in peace. eventually. There’s some other stuff with her that I hesitate to mention because it wasn’t technically her? It was just an illusion of her. Pretty important to the plot but not so much to this long ramble so I think I’ll skip out on mentioning it. But yeah that’s uh, pretty much it for now.
ANYWAY RANDOM TRIVIA FROM THE TOP OF MY HEAD TIIIIIIME OK
• she has a trident. she has on numerous occasions almost hurt someone with it by swinging it around
• she likes astronomy!!! constellations and stuff!!!
• For being so rude to other people she will NOT tolerate being called any sort of names. Once got inconsolably angry when pumpkin daddy called her a bitch for insulting his cool new anti gravity sand
• She calls everyone sugar. Is it supposed to be demeaning, a compliment, who knows? She just does it
• This isn’t a piece of trivia this is just a quote that I just remembered: Think back to the lucky break that you got a few months ago. Remember it? No? Well, perhaps you forgot it because you are stupid. You are so unbelievably stupid. You squandered your perfect opportunity. You’ll never get it back. It’s all your fault. All your misery is the result of your own stupidity. Screw you. Screw you I hope you die and termites invade your casket and the doctors researching your brain drop it down the sink and little rats eat the tiny, minimal remains of it. take a WILD guess who it’s directed towards
• Despite living in the desert she’s extremely pale. Uses too much sunscreen I guess
• BUS. SHE HAS A BARELY FUNCTIONAL BUS UHHH
• she hates snowmen. she thinks they’re a waste of time and hideous
• Was once the victim of pumpkin daddy’s scammy home improvement business venture
• She loves gloves. Exact opposite of pumpkin daddy.
• once drank eggnog out of a puddle!!! Don’t ask!!!
• she was included in the short comic I sent to the original author!!! It’s technically not canon to PDBC so I didn’t mention it but yeah. Maybe I’ll post that comic someday but I’m a bit of a coward. But all she did in it was sit there being pissed off and not enjoying steaks
idk how to end this here’s this (RUNS AWAY AND EXPLODES)
#once again too lazy to proofread this. if there are repeating paragraphs whoops#I wrote this in like a day I’m probably forgetting a lot lmao#urrghh I love her though. she is one of my favorites#it’s especially funny because in the source material she does like. absolutely nothing. she is a living plot device.#you could probably pinpoint my inspiration for most of pdbc by reading though the original but not bellona#‘how did you get any of this from seven lines of dialogue’ I DON’T KNOW!!!#I mean. she’s actually the most accurate to her original version though#all she did was be an asshole and welp. that carried over to PDBC#damn I love her she’s so funny. 3rd favorite for sure#like. in roots she is Just as bad as pumpkin daddy but she gets zero consequences or blame for anything it’s so funny#she’s just sweaty and angry all the time and same#anyway.#not sure what else to say (AS ALWAYS. ASK ME QUESTIONS IF YOU HAVE ANY👹👹👹)#not a pikmin post#pdbc#Kurt essay is next 🦅🦅🦅💥💥💥💥 get ready
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Research for Character Design: Circe
While I'm still looking into various sources and information about Circe for my final design, here we have the first doodles and drawings of my ideas for her character design!!
I wrote all the basic knowledge we have on her on a post it, and stuck it inside my notebook for reference. I also searched up Ancient Greek Hairstyles and sketched out the ones that struck me the most. Eventually I found a couple that I could combine to create the one I ended up using in the first official concept sketch that I posted a few days ago.
Next, I looked up Ancient Greek Clothing to find possible outfit ideas. It took a while to see ones that gave me Circe vibes, but I quickly drew a couple that stood out to me.
I'll continue to research more about her, and I'll keep updating y'all on the progress and show the process here until I finalize my Circe design.
#until next time!!#epic the musical#circe#character design#epic the circe saga#epic the musical fanart#my art#research#Ancient Greece#can you tell I'm hyperfixated on Epic!Circe#I just love her so much y'all#can you blame me though#her lore is genuinely so intriguing#I could go on and on about her for ages#seriously I must keep yapping about her or I shall go insane
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#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#okay but this made me laugh so hard just because of how much it reminds me of misao JSJSJ LOL because she has had like casual 'flings'-#with people and is an addictive personality as i've talked about here once which includes her being a love junkie + getting into-#relationships with people because she is in love with the IDEA of being in love though falling in love with someone can't just happen-#like magic as it involves a bunch of hormones and stuff but misao kind of somewhat hopes that this person of interest to her will somehow-#complete her life anyhow which... yeah can definitely raise a few problems as people with a love addiction often attract love-#avoidant people because both of these types of people generally have a fear of being abandoned and controlled.#but whenever it comes to love-avoidant individual's they're also emotionally unavailable so 😬#it's unfortunately kinddd of a recipe for an unhealthy relationship that could very well lead to the both of them being in a bad place-#once they break up as misao as a love addict is constantly seeking out new love in particular as a lot of excitement and good feelings-#come with this particular type of love in particular. so yeahhh - i know that this may be a bit of a weird picture to do a meta to but-#SHHH lol i just thought it could possibly relate to her more long-term relationships that she's had with people as misao-#tends to avoid feelings of vulnerability with people as you may all know and so this leads to both her + the other person not really-#knowing what they are BC they haven't really established that deeper connection even though they've been together for a while.#not to say that i'm trying to blame misao for having problems with opening up or anything like that but she has a very disorganized-#attachment style i think and that leads to her often doing this continuous 'push and pull' thing in her romantic/sexual ships#where one moment she will want to be attached to the hip to them but the next she will be cold and distant from them.#so yeahhh. misao is honestly kind of like what i've said barton is before: a cake inside of a cake because i feel like she's got sides of-#herself that she doesn't even know about because she's been scared of being fully emotionally vulnerable with someone for a while now sadly#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.
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really starting to believe that psychic who claimed i’m cursed
#like absolutely NOTHING goes right in my life#i have no friends no social life no partner have never been in a relationship even though i’m almost 30#i still live at home my job has horrible working hours and makes me absolutely miserable#like i can’t name you a single thing that goes right in my life i’m so far behind everyone#i wasted so many years studying and i’ve got nothing to show for it i’m a pathetic excuse of a human#i really wish i could give my life to someone who deserves it way more than me someone who really wants to live#the psychic claimed that my ex best friend’s mother cursed me#and i do find it somewhat silly to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on someone else or outer forces#but our friendship ended VERY poorly and her mother absolutely hated me by the end of it#so it honesty doesn’t seem too far fetched#bc ever since we went our separate ways which i never regretted btw i’ve just been struggling to survive#like if i’m honest i’m intelligent i’m capable i’m pretty i’m kind i’m funny but my whole life is a struggle#i know that my depression anxiety and overall low self esteem closes a lot of doors for me#but it’s just insane how unlucky i am like it can’t be a coincidence anymore#it’s just so heartbreaking when all your efforts are in vain like i try sooooo hard but it’s never enough#the psychic claimed the mother put a curse on me that basically blocks all roads for me#and like i said i haven’t had success or happiness in both my personal and professional life#it feels like every time i take step forward i take 3 back#good things never stay for long and bad things are so excruciatingly bad it’s unbearable#i’m just exhausted with everything… life shouldn’t be so fucking difficult wether it’s a curse or not#i know i also have many things to be thankful for but it seems like all the important milestones are eluding me#☁️
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