#zaeed massani

[illusivesoul]

"I don't care for the human companions"

Sorry for your condition. Hope you manage to develop some taste soon.

[housederiva]

Before you vote please keep in mind that a blorbo isn't necessarily your favorite romance option The two with the highest percentages move on to the next round!

-> Master Post

[mnasthaii]

god i wish he was romanceable

[msunitedstatesjames]

The ME3 Citadel DLC really has everything:

-An evil clone

-Commander Shepard and Javik battling for top billing with Blasto the hanar in a war propaganda film

-An anime style zoom in on the eyes of Traynor and her greatest rival over a match of space chess

-A scene where you have to manually press whatever buttons your system requires 183 times to beat James in a pull up competition

-A scene where the gang is trapped in a vault with limited air, while Shepard complains about the fact that no one told them how cheesy they sound when they talk

-Shepard forcing a hardened mercenary/bounty hunter to say 'please' when he asks for more change to beat the claw game in an arcade

-Shepard almost being assassinated in a sushi resturant, then being ceaselessly derided for falling through a fish tank in their escape attempt and getting everyone's favorite restuarant closed

-Potentially a sexy tango dance scene with a merc-killing vigilante turian

-The chance to rebelliously stick your hands under a decorative waterfall so many times that a staff member is like, 'fine, do what you want, but just so you know this waterfall is a hanar urinal'

-Shepard learning to play piano

-Shepard Accusing Kaiden of poisoning them Canada style

-A toothbrush that prevents a hijacking attempt

-Watching some good old fashioned telepathic sports and cracking open a cold one with the boys while the galaxy is in a shambles

-Wrex complaing that he's been having so much sex he's too exhausted to fight the Reapers

-Playing fetch with a skillet and a Varren

-Just two space divas drinking wine and talking about shoes

-"It's joking time."

Unironically, this is truly Bioware's finest work.

[refinedstorage]

The Undateables™

[bargu]

"But take heart. Look around you. You’re not in this fight alone.” – Commander Shepard Been doing this piece quite some time now 'cause wanted to fit all my peeps in one picture. I just love Mass Effect. Selene Shepard & art © me Mass Effect by Bioware, do not copy

[clericofshadows]

MASS EFFECT: LEGENDARY EDITION FAVORITE SQUADS

[angstyastro]

13 tickets for Barbie pls

Late for pride month but have my gay war criminals

The lighting is based on pride flags for each chara!

[lilmissnatcat24]

for no other reason than i worked at an ice cream shop for eight years, here's what ice cream the mass effect characters would eat

shepard: neapolitan, strawberry for their paragon side, chocolate for their renegade, vanilla to balance

garrus: moose tracks, but will pick it apart just for the peanut butter cups and give shepard the leftovers

tali: literally any booze flavored ice cream

liara: mint chocolate chip because she secretly kind've fucks with the taste of toothpaste but will never admit it out loud

kaidan: butter pecan. it's not everyone's favorite, but it's his, and he's totally cool with it

ashley: whatever the 2183 equivalent to the tonight dough. cookie dough chunks, brownie chunks, butterscotch, chocolate chips, malt chunks, everything

wrex: this man is old as balls!!!!!! rum raisin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

joker: lemon sherbet. you cannot tell me that man is not lactose intolerant

miranda: cherries garcia, little bit sweet, little bit tart

jack: the most sickening sweet shit you can think of. cotton candy with marshmallow superman with a side of sugar

jacob: some sort of dark chocolate peanut butter ice cream that sounds good in theory but in reality you can only take like 3 bites of before you get a tummy ache

zaeed: banana splits that he likes to mash together with a spoon and eat like some deconstructed milkshake

kasumi: the weird avant gard shit you see in hipster vegan shops, like some bacon sweet potato rosebud ice cream

mordin: coffee ice cream, because he likes the taste of coffee but if he were to actually drink it he would spontaneously combust

grunt: those froyo shops that were everywhere in 2014 where you could make a bowl with like 5% froyo and 95% other toppings and it cost 14 dollars

thane: doesn't like ice cream because it reminds him of how he abandoned his child and how his wife is dead and he could never go back to the life he left behind, the life of stability, because his body is engineered for a deadly purpose and he can never atone for his sins rocky road

samara: this woman is old as balls!!!!!!!!!!!!! pistachio!!!!!!!!!!!

legion: tried vanilla ice cream. too sticky, got stuck in his wiring.

james: one of those brownie sundaes that weighs approximately 5 pounds and is majority whipped cream

steve: chocolate chip. classy, just like him ;)

traynor: something smooth and rich and velvety and inexplicably sexy, like raspberry chocolate chunk

edi: takes the idea of ice cream a little too literally and just has a bowl of heavy cream with ice cubes. is confused why everyone is disgusted.

javik: ice cream is for primitives (peaches and cream)

[primarch-victus]

Part One proved very popular, so here's some more (I have SO many of these)

[whatwedointhecraft]

I took Zaeed to rescue Garrus on Mass Effect 2 and when I got back to the Normandy, I talked to Zaeed and he was like "I like him. We both had the same goals: Get rid of the annoying merc bastards"

And all I can picture in my head is a Garrus defense squad led by Shep and Zaeed, and then it cuts to the ME3 Citadel dlc where Zaeed and Garrus start boobytrapping Shep's new apartment and there's just a neon sign above their heads pointing at them both like "BEST FRIENDS" in flashing lights

[dilfgmancoolatta]

I spent like an hour on this for probably two notes and I'm ok with that

[normandy-crew]

[margoteve]

Making a drink but we don't know what the other people put in there Normandy SR 2 Style.

Miranda: Miranda Lawson. we all have learned that i don't trust them, so i am putting in some lemonade.

Tali: Tali here! i am gonna put in Poppi because I feel like Shepard is going to put in a lot of liquor. Trying to play it safe

Garrus: Garrus Vakarian. i am putting in lemonade because Shepard just got dumped and I can tell they will try to go hard tonight, so....

Mordin: Mordin Solus. Sprite. Team consisting of hardened military and criminal element. Lots of liquor suspected. Trying to protect liver.

Jacob: I'm Jacob. i am putting in OJ, because I am kinda scared of Shepard

Shepard: Hi, this is Shepard. it's been some long ass week, so I'm putting in some Everclear *sniffs the bottle amd recoils* *starts pouring* *assesses and pours in way more*

Jack: *flips off camera* *adds liquor*

Zaeed: *adds more liquor*

Kasumi: *trying to shake the container but some spills* what the fu-

Cut to entire squad taking a shot. Cue sputtering and shouts of "Jesus Christ!" and "Holy Everclear!!". Shepard with mild grimace pouring themselves, Zaeed and Jack another shot.

[lassieposting]

Fic Concept:

Tali'Zorah is, if she does say so herself, something of an expert in galactic romance. Her omnitool hosts a 6 terabyte collection of romance and romcom vids from across the spectrum of known species, and after that much media exposure, she's fairly sure she's familiar with all the ins and outs of each culture's dating milestones.

She knows, for example, that family members have certain duties in a clan member's new relationship, in human cultures. As one of Shepard's closest friends, she also knows that the poor thing has no family to fulfil those duties for her.

Determined to see Shepard and Garrus's relationship turn into Shepard and Garrus's marriage, she starts handing out responsibilities to appropriate members of the Normandy crew. Shenanigans ensue.

(AKA the one in which Tali is convinced common romcom tropes are actually essential milestones in any human romantic relationship, and takes steps to make sure Shep and Garrus get to experience them.)

Ideas that made me horf:

- Wrex, as Shepard's oldest and closest (deeply violent) male associate, is enlisted to give Garrus the if you break her heart, I'll end you speech usually performed by the father, on a visit to Tuchanka. Maybe he absolutely knows Tali has misread this, and lowkey gives the speech over shots of ryncol, wheezing about how Shep would kill Garrus just fine herself. Maybe he has no idea this isn't an actual important human ritual, and performs his part with ceremonial gusto. Anyway, he does it, and somehow manages to be vaguely heartwarming about it anyway or gives Garrus some sign of approval.

- Mordin, as the oldest male friend on the Normandy, is tasked with interrogating Garrus at "Family Dinner". He does so, but very few of the questions he asks are actually relevant to the typical Meet The Parents dinner, and Shepard actually learns a few new things about Garrus herself.

- Joker volunteers to be "mom" and bring out the baby pictures to show Garrus. He doesn't have any pictures of Shepard as an actual baby, but he does have some funny or embarrassing ones from their time serving together under Captain Anderson he's been itching to share, and that's almost the same thing. She's more baby there than she is now, anyway.

- Tali strongly encourages Garrus to spend time "bonding" with Grunt. It's very important to make sure your future wife's child knows he is included in your new family unit, Garrus! An eventful trip to the zoo/museum/etc ensues.

- Bonus wedding chapter where Wrex is bullied into formal wear to walk Shep down the aisle; Jack paints Cipritine face markings on Grunt thinking they're Vakarian family markings and then sets him loose on Garrus's extended family, who are all very confused as to how this young krogan is apparently from Cipritine; Zaeed gives a hilariously inappropriate speech as Best Man and accidentally outs Garrus as Archangel in front of Aria T'Loak; Kasumi attempts to hook up with Jacob in a time-honoured tradition of inadvisable bridesmaid/groomsman couplings, and Mordin makes use of his STG training to break into the honeymoon suite to leave a tasteful gift basket of sex aids on the bed, because Tali has banned him from giving them in front of the guests.

Just. Interfering Interspecies Crew Way Off Base But Have Loving Intentions. And in the end Shepard is deeply exasperated, but also very touched by the effort put in by the people that love them, and honestly lowkey glad that they got to experience those cliche moments after all.

Bonus points: crewmembers who really do see Shepard/Garrus as family also trying to share their traditions with her/him. Like, if a krogan warrior convinces a fertile female to join his clan, that's a big deal and maybe the clan throws a huge feast and party to celebrate, so Wrex does that for them. Or maybe asari pass hereditary jewelry from mother to daughter to be worn at the first bonding ceremony to a beloved life partner, so Samara lends Shep hers to wear for the wedding. Shit like that.