#cookie run ted talk

[the-jade-reaper]

ATTENTION ALL COOKIE RUNNERS.

now that i got your attention i have something of great importance of you. some friends and i were high /j and had a heated convo about who is the smartest cookie. and we decided on these 3 and here is the explanations for each of them

we all agreed that crossiant is the smartest as she is in a league of her own. She can basically hold the multiverse together and knows a lot about it and stuff. there is also the part where she is timekeeper cookie and knowing she is one of the most powerful cookies, yea she gets top spot no question

longan dragon is basically the oldest cookie out of all of them and probably watches over everything and everyone for all of time. saying they have the biggest knowledge out of anyone in the cookie run verse. but they get the sliver for only knowing and not using it. croissant knows about the multiverse and uses it to save it and not hoard it making her clever

dark enchantress has both a lot of knowledge and is probably one of if not the only one who knows of the real truth. this also works with her cleverness of being the big bad of crk this means that she is one of the smartest and clever out of the bunch, longan beats her in amounts of knowledge and crossiant beats them out of knowledge of the universe and overall cleverness .

i am open to suggestions and more about the lore anywho thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[makerofmadness]

ok so what the hell is the legal drinking age in earthbread man like. So I was thinking I would finally have to take the L on the "how fudging old is Alchemist Cookie" thing because Witch's Castle has that side story where she botches an experiment and it basically causes her to act like her brother. Including the alcoholism. (Tbh it is like my favorite special story in the game like part of that is 'cus of favorite character bias but also it ends really sweetly like WC is just really good for grape siblings fans in general they get a lot of content-). So I was like "okay then she has to be at least 19 if we assume the drinking age would line up with the real world/country the game is from. I can take an L I thought she was younger than that but I was wrong" BUT THEN FOR GINGERBRAVE'S BIRTHDAY WE GET THIS:

WIZARD IS A CONFIRMED CHILD THO????

Basically this is like really ancient shxt but like there was something called I think the Junior Cookie Challenge once where basically 9 kid characters gave you missions and WIZARD WAS ONE OF THEM

This is the picture I could find but like. Yeah Wizard's definitely a kid then. (I think this event happened before certain characters were even a thing including Alchemist when I checked the dates so like I have no idea if the characters were like limited for a reason or if this was all the kid characters in the game at the time but regardless I'm. Fubkign. Top 10 questions science can't answer Number 1: how fubkign old is Alchemist Cookie- like I'm guessing she just wasn't designed with a particular age in mind let's be real here-)

but like.

If Wizard can drink then like what is the legal drinking age on Earthbread man like-??????????

EDIT: I looked at the dates wrong/was thinking of when Alchemist existed in Ovenbreak I think and not in LINE (Alchemist was released like years before this event I think)... but then I ran into SOMETHING ELSE that throws a wrench in the works and by that I mean:

so DEVIL COOKIE ALSO existed before this event and yet was excluded but they're like. Really obviously a kid ESPECIALLY as of Witch's Castle (fudging. Three words: Crayon Doodle Set [literally their room decor includes a set of fudging crayola or some shxt like. I think it's obvious what impression we're supposed to get of them like obviously I don't think crayons should be locked off to only kids but like traditionally they're kinda thought of like a kids thing and Devil isn't like. Artistic-themed so to inexplicably have them... you can tell what's being communicated y'know?-) (and like I think Devil being the same age as Angel kinda. Is obvious-).

So the Junior challenge thing pretty much confirms nothing as to which characters AREN'T kids. Just which characters ARE kids. Frickin' almost had it and then lost it again-

Edit again: I also discovered that. Cream Puff existed during the time the Junior Cookie Challenge ran. And yet she wasn't in that. But now they're running kinda a sequel to that in Kakao Cookie Run and she's in THAT. So basically yeah it was never exhaustive 100% frickin' I'm going insane I'm having like two people debating with me (peacefully thankfully) over if Wizard's not actually drinking something alcoholic but like what is he drinking we don't know it could be anything but like he has a wine glass they could've given him a normal glass but they gave the kid a wine glass and we all have to suffer the consequences they didn't even put like a bowl of fruit punch on the table or anything just to say "haha he's just drinking this don't worry he's just a silly little guy :3" no they left the door wide open for us to at least ASSUME if it's not CONFIRMED by this that he's fudging destroying his nonexistent liver at the ripe old age of Child idk it's 2:22am as of me writing this

Too many edits: I need like a dedicated guide on what juice is and isn't meant to be alcohol in this universe because apparently the wizard art is like a reused asset from something about Hollyberry so like. But I know at least half the juice there is treated like alcoholic shxt too looking at some of the dialogue or like I'm mainly thinking of like wildberry's dialogue I think so. frickin'

another thing I realize is that. Alchemist drinking was because her personality got altered she wasn't like In Public. And... look I love Vampire but he isn't like the most responsible guy let's be real and like. Frickin' even can I just get like whether or not she has a diploma or anything please just anything like... ok I know that old as hell personality quiz calls her a "picky model student" so she's probably still in school but like where in school is she is she in high school of college or like. I would've placed her around cream puff's age before all of this but I don't know anymore y'know can someone help me?????- (she probably just wasn't designed with one in mind I'm doing all of this for nothing this is the definition of insanity frickin'-)

FINAL EDIT HOPEFULLY: ok I finally have an answer just like after talking to my bigger cr nerd friend uh. Basically the I Want You Every Day music video gives us definite footage of children drinking:

Screenshots courtesy of @void-the-bear (said friend)

Gingerbrave and Cream Puff are drinking the exact same drinks as the adults and these drinks literally look the same as what Sparkling holds in his goddamn sprites

Like you can see the bubbles in some shots it's the same drink it's frickin' champagne-but-we-can't-call-it-that-because-it's-a-kid's-game

But like there is an official short of Sparkling like. Not being able to serve Custard III I think because he's too young???? So uh.

basically the drinking age in Earthbread is "younger than Gingerbrave but older than Custard III" thank you for coming to my TED Talk (fudging. Finally have an answer though at least I think please tell me they didn't try to call this lemonade or something somewhere not the lemonade anything but the lemonade don't make me have a headache again PLEASE-)

[lightning-jay]

I, too, am but a shadow of a star that must remain here forever...

[promniight]

Also we have yet to really talk about how the myth that Oyster was told as a child was a sensational piece that twists the original story to make black pearl look bad and make Loyster’s intentions worse (or at least more heroic in the eyes of the republic in this case) The myth is one of those word of mouth stories passed down through generations that was changed to reflect the opinions of the republic and the house for that matter. There was no mention of abalone’s manipulation or how Oyster was essentially forced to go against his morals because that would make the house look weak. Also the entire fictional part where black pearl murders another mermaid? which in reality was frilled jellyfish protecting her from abalone’s fleet…?????? i’ve seen many people quoting the story as reasoning for why loyster is a “bad person” and not a victim of being in the wrong place at the wrong time in a colonial society that has zero respect for him and how the story makes black pearl look worse when she was no more than a naive mermaid who simply was too blinded by betrayal to properly access the situation. Spoken and written like a true shakespearean tragedy im afraid…

[starlight727]

CRK SPOILERS FOR NEW MEGADOUGH STORY

I’m gonna talk about the other stuff that happened in the new story so, read at your own risk.

Matcha always looked similar to Dark Enchantress, everyone knew that, but now we know more about her!

So she wants to control the Beast Cookies instead of taking their Soul Jam like DE. She most likely wants to do this to prove to everyone how powerful and capable she is of helping (and mostly to prove then wrong when they called her weak and useless)

Carameleon Cookie saying that there's a huge flatland ahead means that the team is headed for the Salt Flatland! If that's where we're going next, then we'll get to meet Silent Salt Cookie!

After the explosion, a bunch of dough babies flew all over the continent (I assume). Since the team already found out, maybe we'll get a new mission to find the rest of the dough babies all over Beast Yeast. Also, could you imagine if DE put the Beast Cookies in those dough baby bodies? It'd be easier for her to take away their Soul Jam (that is, if she can avoid the tantrums)!

[cheesecakemermaid1048]

The main cookies and their ways of winning

Kouign amman-Girlbossing.

Prune Juice- letting their autism take over

Capsaicin-being Himbo

[loe-does-stuff]

they are sooo normal

[wolfylch]

OK I MIGHT BE GOING INSANE BUT PLEASE HEAR ME OUT:

The lore for Ovenbreak and Kingdom are incredibly different, so please know I'm talking about Kingdom lore!

I have a theory that when Pitaya began to lose their powers, their flame wasn't the only thing they lost when giving it to Fire Spirit (though it's possible Fire Spirit might actually just be his mighty flame reincarnated).

Pitaya seems to have ran away from Dragon's Valley after being reborn as their cookie form, likely being embarrassed for not being the powerful dragon the tribesmen worshiped/feared. They have little memory it seems other than being drunk on juice as they don't even remember Knight Cookie cutting off their tail tip (though in Kingdom it might've actually been Hollyberry who did it as she tricked them into biting their own tail) but they do remember Hollyberry and that she was the only cookie to have defeated them in battle which gave them reason to linger around her kingdom - they felt relatively powerful amongst these people while also having a strong rival to who could best them.

This is important because it leaves Dragon's Valley without Pitaya - they have no real reason to go back as they'll only be ridiculed for not being the ferocious dragon they once were. ALSO it brings up the main point to my theory:

There was concepts of Mala Sauce where she referred to Pitaya as a "Spice god".

What if Capsaicin is actually Pitaya's spice? And he's actually the (new) Spice god? Maybe when Pitaya began to lose their powers their spiciness seeped into the magma and began to solidify into a cookie the same way Fire Spirit did?

I feel as though it would make sense as Pitaya fruit are not spicy at all! They're very juicy and taste almost like nothing or sweet sugar water. Pitaya was known as the Legendary Reddish Green Dragon before and was likely worshiped for their spiciness at one point... but now it's gone!

Capsaicin can also turn into a large beast like how Pitaya can turn into a dragon, which I think is rather neat. Not to mention, the horns on Mala Sauce's helmet are the same as Capsaicin's horns!

Capsaicin also has slit pupils and hair that are very reminiscent of Pitaya's look.

Basically what I'm saying is Pitaya, Fire Spirit, and Capsaicin are like an unholy trinity. Pitaya being the Father (as they're the origin source), Capsaicin being the son (as he's the unrivaled spice reborn from magma), and Fire Spirit being the unholy spirit (as he's the spirit of Pitaya's strength and flame).

[veryfrozenroyalty]

why is nobody talking about how snowcherry looks like frostprincess but as kids

[straberryjam]

honestly golden cheese’s interaction with white lily in the game is so real

[tko-draws]

Lemon Lavender Cookie and Glacè cookie are such Lady Rainicorn and Jake core

[auduux]

Shadow Milk has always been chaotic, but not nearly as much as he is now. He's always loved acting out stories, whether they be fiction or not. His main audience was children. He was also very close to mostly everyone he talked to and it didn't take long for him to form an attachment to who he talked to. He was the keeper of knowledge, yes, but he preferred storytelling. People came from far and wide to ask him for advice, but truly he never had many answers. He didn't know everything, and his solutions were not absolute. Over time, more and more people got unsatisfactory or "wrong" solutions to their questions, and resentment grew. That resentment turned to accusations, and soon enough he was the "Beast of Deceit."

Eternal Sugar was very hyperactive and overworked herself constantly. Still, she rarely ever burnt-out. She helped whoever came to her to the best of her ability, she went above and beyond for anyone who requested her help. However, this lead to the cookies who requested her help to become lazy. They leeched off her, and didn't appreciate her help as they did before. She became overwhelmed by the requests, and shut everyone out. The cookies became angry and, like Shadow Milk, came to resent her and spread rumors. That she was abandoning her "friends" and that she was lazy.

Mystic Flour loved helping the cookies that came to her. She loved fulfilling the wishes of who came to her. She longed to help cookies live a better life, so they may never feel hurt. She hated poverty, and tried to help anyone in need as much as she could. However, eventually, she felt that the wishes she was fulfilling were empty. That they would never truly anyone. So, she cocooned herself to think on what would help cookies the most. This angered the cookies, like the rest of the beasts actions had. They didn't understand why she would want to look for "the" answer.

Burning Spice was the captain of a large army. They were a warlord, who watched over all kingdoms and kept them in line. They had no home, they endlessly patrolled the known world with their soldiers. They wished to create a fair, and peaceful world, which they succeeded for a time. Though, as more and more cookies became and more and more kingdoms rose and fell, they found it difficult to manage everything happening in every kingdom. This led to sloppy work, where, while being in a hurry, they caused more destruction then good when apprehending someone or stopping a conflict. They became bitter, and chose to instead rule with an iron fist. Whoever defied them would be cut down. They were the first to turn, and the other beasts did all they could to change their new views.

Silent Salt was born with a silver tongue (figuratively) and worked mostly with Burning Spice and Eternal Sugar to create and maintain peace. They were called when there was a verbal dispute, and they were always able to solve it with both parties relatively satisfied. Their solutions, like Shadow Milks, were not absolute. They were the partner (not romantically(mayhaps)) of Burning Spice, when one was called to stop a conflict, both were likely to show up. Some cookies grew tired of Silent Salts words, and decided they didn't want to accept his terms after a large dispute. A fight was started, and Silent Salt was forced into silence, unable to ever speak again. (They cut their tongue.) They were the second to turn, and joined Burning Spice's legion out of resentment and spite.

Chat drop some beasts headcanons

Possibly happy because in my head they have an unbreakable bond devsisters PLEASE don't ruin it for me please plea p

[igottanickel]

Newsies as stupid stuff I did during my run of the show

Romeo: Accidentally sang over Jack during the beginning of The World will Know on opening night(mic was off thank god)

Mush: Ripped my pants jumping off a table during King of New York

Anyone tbh: Actually fell asleep during Santa Fe Prologue while pretending to be asleep, woken up by Jack yelling

Elmer: Held up my newsies banner sideways on two separate occasions during Once and For All

Crutchie: Wasn’t holding my hat tight enough and threw it all the way across the stage when I held it up in Carrying the Banner, couldn’t get it till halfway through the song

Finch: Forgot my satchel multiple times

Albert: Ate a week old dry cookie given out by the nuns, no water, had to sing in 20 seconds

Race: Danced so much my jazz boots had massive holes in them half way into the run

Also Race: Voguing backstage

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[lexi-the-demon-69]

Just a random rant about how I want a new Dark Cacao update-

TW: Mentions of emotional neglect and ab*se

Yeah, as I brought up in my live stream yesterday, I really want another Dark Cacao update because my main problems with the game's story lie within the Dark Cacao characters and their writing.

It honestly infuriates me that Dark Choco's character and trauma are so watered down in the games, to the point where it's almost put in a positive light, ESPECIALLY his relationship with his dad. It's heavily implied in episode 14 that Dark Choco was neglected emotionally by Dark Cacao when Dark Choco says this: "In this kingdom, I knew no love nor sweetness, but rigid cold! What makes you think I care about you or this forsaken land?!" Obviously hinting that Dark Cacao is emotionally neglectful.

I hate that the fandom and Devsisters just glosses these issues aside and portrays their relationship as happy and healthy when in reality, Dark Cacao likely had Dark Choco only as an heir to the throne when he gets too old to rule. Don't get me wrong, I love these little moments, but these issues must be addressed. It would be an amazing way to show survivors of emotional neglect that they're not alone.

Maybe in this new hypothetical update, these issues can be addressed properly by having Mystic Flour Cookie, one of the beast cookies, attack the Dark Cacao Kingdom. Dark Cacao is forced out of the citadel and it's up to him, Caramel Arrow, Crunchy Chip, and Dark Choco to save the kingdom. (Dark Choco would more than likely be nearby and he decides to help)

During their journey, some old memories, both positive and negative, are brought up as Dark Cacao and Dark Choco start to catch up after what happened. However, something mentioned by Dark Cacao (more than likely his non-apology in episode 14) touches Dark Choco's nerve and an argument ensues. Dark Cacao says that he apologized to him and that sends Dark Choco off the rails.

He screams at him that what he apologized for was not the real problem. The REAL problem was the fact that he emotionally neglected him for all his life and then he endured more abuse as a member of the COD. He goes on about how badly he was treated, how Pomegranate used his own trauma against him as punishment, and how he beat himself up for something that was caused by a sword that he thought was going to help save his kingdom and would finally have his father notice him. Hearing his son explain everything that happened to him broke Dark Cacao's heart. He truly felt like pure scum as Dark Choco ran away in anguish.

After Dark Choco runs away, Caramel Arrow and (possibly) Crunchy Chip talk with Dark Cacao, taking Dark Choco's side in the manor since they would likely see the neglect firsthand. However, they obviously don't go off on him since, well, y'know. After their talk, Dark Cacao fully realizes that he fucked up and now he wants to give Dark Choco a proper apology. BUT! Not until Mystic Flour comes in and does some evil shit, probably taking Dark Cacao hostage or something.

Dark Choco notices nearby and it's up to him, Caramel Arrow, and Crunchy Chip to save him. During this section of the story, we can have Dark Choco and Caramel Arrow interact more (because I love Carachoco lol) as they make their way to wherever Dark Cacao is being held. After that, they save him and Dark Cacao gives an ACTUAL fucking apology and they all live happily ever after. The End.

Also, some other small bits of shit that I would love in this update:

-a Dark Cacao buff -Dark Choco's magic candy -Caramel Arrow's magic candy -Crunchy Chip's magic candy -Affogato's magic candy (maybe-) -More bond stories that involve Dark Choco -Matching costumes with Dark Choco, Caramel Arrow, Crunchy Chip, and Dark Cacao

That's it lol. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[cookierunkingdomoffical]

I'VE HAD A THOUGHT

At the beginning of every cookie run game, Gingerbrave is running from the witch, who fails to catch him. (The intro sequences specifically)

COULD THAT BE BECAUSE OF THAT ONE STORY THAT GOES "You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" Because he's Gingerbrave (literally three letters away from being gingerbread), and he's never caught?!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk

No shit Sherlock/j/j

[itsclydebitches]

ok ok ok but imagine trent's daughter, Phoebe and Henry, on a playdate or exploring stadium together? Like how have these kiddos not become friends??

YOU'RE SO RIGHT, ANON.

Headcanon time:

During a weekend training Henry is visiting again, Roy's sister is sick so he's justifying the Best Uncle award Phoebe gave him last year (it's very glittery), and Trent's babysitter unexpectedly bailed. So they all trail into work with kids that day and Rebecca is like, "Excuse me this is not a fucking daycare."

She says this while giving them all a kiss.

Pheobe: "That's a bad word, Ms. Welton, you owe me a pound."

Henry and Phoebe immediately race outside to play with the team but Trent's daughter, who is both younger and has never played football before, is just the shiest little bean about joining in. Trent, expert in anxious parenting, is prepared to run damage control with her favorite coloring books but Ted holds him back and within ten minutes Phoebe is showing her the ropes while Henry is Very Seriously working to tie her hair back for her.

Henry: "Excuse me, Mr. Independent sir, but can I borrow another hair-tie?"

Trent: "... how do you know my name?"

Trent, internally: Wait. Mr. Independent isn't my name??

Trent, with shorter hair than in Season 2: "Never mind that. How do you know I have hair-ties?"

Henry, answering both questions: "Daddy."

[Trent.exe has stopped working]

Rebecca, shouting across the pitch: "Give her pigtails, Henry! There you go!"

So the crimmlet learns some football and Trent, after recovering from his Omg Ted Talks About Me to His Son panic almost sorta kinda cries about it. By this point the himbos are absolutely in love with the trio and would die for them, no hesitation. (Dani actually says this, which is mildly alarming for the kids). After some super secret techniques are shared -- Phoebe: "This is how you kick the ball into someone's face. Uncle Ted loves it!" -- they all decide that they should probably get some actual training done. Besides, Henry just brought up the West Ham game he went to and... uh...

Yeah. Best to scoot them on out of there. Unconditional love doesn't trump hatred of West Ham, unfortunately.

The stadium houses a team of pro athletes and a massive staff of sleep-deprived professionals, meaning that there's plenty of food to go around for lunch. Ted (childhood personified) and Trent (a domestic mess post-divorce) are both happy to let the kids pig out on snacks. A growled "Fuck that" from Roy sends them off to the kitchen downstairs.

Do stadiums have kitchens? No idea. Probably not. This one does!

Trent, carryout aficionado: "So... does anyone know how to cook?"

Roy: "Do I fucking look like I have time to cook?"

Trent: "This was your idea."

Roy: "Shut up."

Ted: "Hmm. I'm afraid I'm more of a baking man myself."

The kids have been sitting at the counter, heads ping-ponging back and forth as they watch their three guardians fail the basic task of feeding them. Luckily for their faith in adults, it's about this moment that the crimmlet remembers that this is Ted.

Biscuit Ted.

Did you know that Trent Crimm used to be in a band? A metal band? That for six months in college he rebelled in the only way he knew how - artistically - and screamed everything he was keeping bottled up inside until he learned to purge himself through vicious prose instead?

His daughter inherited his lungs.

A six-year-old's high-pitched screaming + the reverberation of a primarily metal space = Significant Pain. Ted's, "Holy moly, Ms. Banshee!" is barely audible and Roy just nopes out of the situation without a shred of guilt. Phoebe and Henry -- immune to loud noises in the way only children can be -- exchange a A Look over the top of the crimmlet's head. Because she's screaming for the biscuits Ted gives her every week.

Henry hasn't had his Dad's cookies in six months.

Phoebe hasn't had them at all.

Now the screaming is joined by Very Indignant Yelling.

Trent: "Ted just make them some fucking biscuits."

Ted: "Right because that's healthier than the vending machines!?"

But one sugary meal is worth saving their eardrums, so.

There's an immediate change in tune when Ted asks who's gonna help him lick the bowl. Instant peace. Baking with three kids is messy, to put it mildly, and Ted isn't entirely sure how flour got into Trent's hair, but it definitely has more white streaks in it than it did this morning. Without thinking, he reaches up to smooth some of the flour away, fingers dragging gently through a lock and brushing his cheek in the process.

[Trent.exe has stopped working x2]

Crimmlet, tugging his pantleg with little flour handprints: "Daddy can the biscuit man stay forever?"

Trent, voice strangled: "... sure, honey."

Higgins pops in to find an absolute disaster of a kitchen and the normally unruffled Trent with cheeks the color of maraschino cherries (what's that about?). After getting caught up on events -- what they're willing to admit to, anyway -- he gently informs them that he could have fixed the kids a meal not made out of sugar and butter. Ah well. Too late now.

Higgins: "Also, Ted, shouldn't you be coaching the boys?"

Ted: "I'm sure Beard has it well in hand."

[Hard cut to the team seated semi-circle around Beard. He's lecturing on the drugs they can take without tanking their careers. Many are taking notes.]

The one good thing about a sugar high is that the crash comes right afterwards. Pheobe managed to get the crimmlet on her shoulders and the three of them raced off to explore the stadium, burning with short-term energy. Trent is mildly concerned about them sneaking out, but Ted reassures him that there's security at every exit. You know, to keep any... uh...

Trent: Press out?

Ted: Not all the press.

Trent: Oh, so I'm an exception am I?

Higgins, still standing there, forgotten, thinking about the book Trent is writing and how yes, he's literally an exception??

Ted: Trent Crimm you are not only an exception, you are exceptional.

[Trent.exe has stopped working x3]

Higgins, internally: OHHHHHHHHH

Later, there is a brief moment of panic when they can't find the kids -- Roy: "Don't worry. I once lost Phoebe and she turned up in my neighbor's bathtub with a new haircut." Ted: "Huh. That there's a story for another time." -- but Will ushers them quietly into the storeroom where they're piled like puppies on a bed of clean laundry, fast asleep. Ted snaps a picture and immediately sends it to the Richmond group chat. The himbos all come running to see the wholesomeness for themselves.

Will, whispering: They're so cute!! ... wait, now I need to do the laundry again :(((

Dani: No. Do not. Their beautiful, sleepy essence will help us win games.

Will: ... weird, but alright.

Henry's getting a little big for this now, but Ted manages to lift him bridle style and gently presses a kiss into his hair. Trent tenderly picks his little girl up, hand cradling her curls.

Roy slings Phoebe over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. She doesn't stir.

Rebecca sternly tells them that they're never to do this again, but also if she doesn't see the trio soon they'll regret it. Here's the ten pounds I owe Phoebe. Also there had better be some biscuits left, Ted.

Henry only wakes when they're back at the apartment, Beard flipping through nature documentaries while Ted kicks his legs up into his lap. Henry squeezes between the two of them.

Ted: "You have fun today, kiddo?"

Henry: "Uh huh."

Ted: "Hey, what's Trent's daughter's name anyway?"

Henry: "Oh... I never asked."

Beard tuts. "Why you wanna know so bad?"

Ted: "I just figure I should know his kid's name before I ask him out."

[Trent, twelve miles West, suddenly and without any warning getting hit with an absolute fuckton of feelings]: