#control my hyperfixation better
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the mortifying ordeal of choosing the subject of your thesis
#grad school would be neurodivergent-friendly if i could like#control my hyperfixation better#when i hyperfixate on ecotoxicology it's over for all pollutants#alas i will obsess over fandom instead 🥲
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biblically accurate murl
I've been enjoying drawing myself lately
+ decided not to add but I love my cat too much to leave her out
#murl draws#i really need to learn to draw headphones better augh#not putting any other tags i just wanted to doodle myself taking out the trash and it got out of control lmao#btw i draw so much more than i post#i think thats healthy for me#but#ive been reliving my gravity falls hyperfixation the oast couple months and drawing a shit ton of fiddleford#i think i might post those at some point#who knows
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GUYS WE CAN NOW LISTEN TO JEREMY JORDAN SING THE ROLE OF JAY GATSBY ANY TIME ANYWHERE
#and let me tell you he was even better in person#perfect for that role#I teared up the moment he started singing in his soft controlled falsetto my GOD he’s so good live 😭😭😭😭#cast album finally dropped AFTER I saw the show but now atleast I can relive Jeremy’s singing constantly 🥸#the great Gatsby musical#Jeremy Jordan#sorry I guess I’m just hyperfixating on musicals now 😅#a sure sign I need to audition again soon#Spotify
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Miku is a muse being born out of an artist's catharsis DEMANDING productivity. Sadistic Music Factory to me is about when one's creative pursuits grow hungry. Art that forces the artist to provide...
This makes the 6th sadistic music factory Miku I've drawn over the years.. Something about the song and imagery resonates with me. Watch the Project Diva version here.
#my art#my ocs#vocaloid#miku hatsune#sadistic music factory#there is the obvious capitalism analysis of the song but idk i like my interpretation more#like i do truly love my hyperfixations and the adrenaline they bring but that forceful attention that is out of my control.. relatable#i truely love how chaotic and frantic the song is.. fjadsfklasdhf#most of my other sadistic music factory meeks were purple themed i tried to do a red theme this time#i like the purple better.. i think purple and teal look better than teal and a meaty red.. but it is also more anxiety inducing so..
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Having dsmp hyperfixation in the year 2024 is like walking into a room that’s actively on fire and complimenting the wallpaper.
#i do not control the hyperfixation#I do not control the autism#dsmp#this is against my will and better judgement#mine#i think im funny#I need to be put down
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#day 4 on bupropion#i need to vent. bc today was mostly decent. cause at least i could control my emotions and not cry at every little thing#but ended just as badly as i was feeling yesterday. i feel rly sad rn#when im productive i feel great but when im trying to relax? i feel like i need to find something productive to do immediately.#its like i need to do everything but i have no desire to do anything#im like. lying in bed at 2 am grieving my hyperfixations hard. been crying for the past 3 hours#bc i just cant sit down and enjoy anything without feeling like im forcing myself. and i already miss feeling things when i play video game#idk if i can do the 4-6 weeks of this before side effects normalize. everyone says it gets better#and even that is making me feel guilty bc it took me this long to get help and i already want to quit on my first week#i have an appointment with my dr on friday but fuck. the last 3 nights have felt like weeks. its so hard falling asleep.#it really doesn't help that this med is making me. stupid. i have about 10 seconds worth of memory before the thought is deleted#literally forgetting what i'm talking about midway through a sentence#but hey. at least my memory is so bad i cant remember what i did today and overthink every action. i guess.#and maybe tmi. but my libido is gone... like completely nonexistent now#some people literally take this shit to help w a low libido!!! but for me it is doing the exact opposite!!! what is wrong with my body#and to top it off i can't drink even a half cup of coffee without panic attacks. i miss iced coffee already :(#cant enjoy shit anymore and my adhd feels 10 times worse than it did before bc i can't sit still to save my life.#anyway im yapping so much but i need to because im feeling so alone#some side affects im getting r common and manageable but some are pretty uncommon and its hard finding anyone who relates...
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I do not bother to check if Getter and Big O ever interacted in SRW because I’m so use to the other mechas I like being in the same game as getter but being so different that they never have any story reasons to have interactions since Getter is only ever allowed to interact with mazinger, OG gundam and any other combiners + it’s all in untranslated hell so I won’t even know wtf was said if there WERE interactions but god damn it I keep rotating a scenario where Roger negotiates to get Ryoma out of jail even though I know for a fact that DIDNT happen despite how many times they used arma and how Z2 actually adapted it fucking correctly for once but it’s just so funny to imagine.
#meg text#getter robo#the big o#i fucking hate being cursed with crossover ideas when in fanfics that’s ALL there ever is#big o only has it slightly better bc there are some fics but it’s by no means a active tag#and I still need to do my part in at least writing one thing for it but I’m not in the proper mood still#but I legit can’t tell if it’s hyperfixation or the idea of ryoma interacting with rogers normal ass is so funny#Roger is literally one of the most normal super robot pilots compared to the majority but especially compared to ryoma#he has a temper but by no means hot blooded and usually keeps it under control he just has a sense of justice#cue to him meeting “angriest fucking guy to exist” and he’s like “what the fuck”#Ryoma HONESTLY could have funnier interactions if they put him with people who are nothing like him#but noooo it’s always combiners or the other two “big 3” mecha it’s apart of#and I get why the whole big 3 thing in universe or just “hey are robots are similar” is cute#but it never hurts for this loner to talk to more people if they’re gonna characterize him as more laid back#(which- I don’t know how to feel about but I’m glad Ryomas other traits get some spotlight)#since it would be more flanderize if they just focused on him being angry#it still feels so fucking weird how calm ARMA is but that’s what happens when you can’t use anything else#new when will you return from the Wii dimension I don’t understand why your so unpopular
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I finished s4 of Better Call Saul last night and idk idk at this moment I think it might actually be in competition with Mad Men for my all-time favorite. I always just heard "oh yeah it's really good" why did no one tell me this was going to be one of the most emotionally devastating things I've ever seen!?!? I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS FROM A BREAKING BAD PREQUEL.
#jimmy is just so TRAGIC i cant stop thinking about those last few scenes#the way Kim's face falls when he starts talking about the speech he gave#and Mike's last convo with werner and that shot of them under the sky#like none of these moments are really 'big' but similar to mm the characters really get under your skin#anyway. welcome 2 my new hyperfixation#better call saul#actually i also need to give credit to the A Controlled Burn series which is set pre-canon and probably the actual best fic ive ever read#it's definitely adding to the devastation lmao
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the older i get the more i realize i might have something going on with my brain that i could potentially get help for but i have no idea where to start and i feel too embarrassed to
#adhd namely lol#i had to delete twitter off my phone bc i was hyperfixating on something in a way that was affecting me negatively#and it felt rly embarrassing like i just need better impulse control but#but i think i do work myself up into a frenzy about things and can’t tear myself away#thankfully i have the wherewithal to remind myself that if something happens with [intense interest] i will find out#and i don’t need twitter for that#i think i’ve just been rawdogging life no therapy no meds etc for so long i don’t know what id do otherwise lol
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why have i suddenly been gripped with the desire to get back into fishkeeping
#Seven.txt#fish stuff#fishkeeping#fish keeping#fishblr#i’m not complaining cause i’ve lowkey missed feeling so passionate about the hobby but. my brain couldn’t have picked a less convenient tim#me: trying to spend less money and manage my time better#my brain: hey hey hey you know what you should do? you should get back into a really expensive and time-consuming hobby!!! it’ll be fun!!!#and i mean. it’s not like i truly ever got out of it i just sort of dialed back the number of tanks and fish i have over the past few years#so i’ve currently got a bunch of empty tanks and equipment sitting around collecting dust#i do still have three fish that i thought would be my last for a While. i’ve had them for a number of years and they’re all old by now#so i’m just trying to help them live the rest of their days as comfortably as they can#well. Paprika and Thing One are near their end but in spite of the Mystery Growth on Thing Two’s head that little guy is still doing fine#so he could still be here for awhile. who knows. but anyways#fishkeeping was one of my first really intense and long lasting special interests/hyperfixations so it’s such a strange feeling#to have it come back so strongly and for no obvious reason. but. that’s the nature of fixations i suppose!#insert Drake and Josh ‘I do not control the hyperfixation’ meme here#anyways. the project to finally set up the 75gal that’s been sitting empty for years is finally underway!!! so that’s exciting!#now i’ve got to make a list of things i need and find somewhere to set up a quarantine tank. hrmmm#and also cry over the fact that the filter i need is 200 dollars ahahahaaaaa why did my brain have to latch onto this hobby oh my god#oh man. i’ve gotta order the snails and activated media before the weather gets any warmer or they’ll cook in the bag on the way here ugh#This Post Brought To You By- me sitting here refreshing my email every 10 mins. waiting for Cynthia to let me know if she still has#these two adorable Sakura Ranchus avaliable to purchase. i mean. they were listed in Sep. 2021 so i will be Shocked if she still has them#but maybe the universe will smile upon me and i'll get lucky!
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#food tw#body image tw#hi i feel like this whole week has been a lot and it’s culminated today in me having an anxiety attack over my body#so i thought i’d just let some feelings out please feel free to just skip over this#logically i know that my body and what it looks like isn’t representative of my value as a person#i completely get that and i know that the thought is insane#but growing up with the specific model of being skinny and pretty so ppl find you attractive / appealing is so hard to unlearn some days#this is the heaviest weight i’ve been in my life probably and it isn’t even that much but it just means my body looks different#which makes it fit and look differently in clothes i used to take comfort in#and sure i’ve gotten bigger sizes and it’s no big deal but my brain chose today to hyperfixate on the fact that my love handles are bigger#and create this dip in my hips that didn’t use to be there and now i’m panicking over eating so much bread and carbs and not working out and#winter season coming up and all the carb rich food endorsed during that time and my mom craving more sweets and offering me as well#and IT SHOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER but for YEARS one of the only things i had ‘control’ over was my weight#and now that everything else has gone to shit i can’t get myself to have control over this thing and it’s making me feel even worse#and then i think of eating better but it just seems so hard when i have no motivation to actually make myself healthier meals and i just#i’m stuck in a standstill of wanting to get better but my brain shutting down and being exhausted after work and idk what to do#i know i need to be kinder on myself but also i want to change but idk where or how to start#i know i have to do it alone but fuck everything is so much scarier alone
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Honestly, the most bittersweet thing to find on the internet is good creators dropping beloved projects. For any reason, good or bad - life gets in the way, they moved on to other things, they went to another fandom. Like, they put so much effort into that creation, and they just no longer have the time and/or passion anymore. Every time I finish reading an abandoned fic or a comic that hasn't updated in a year, I always feel sad that they couldn't complete their project before things changed, but understanding (and even happiness for them if it's a good change) of their situations.
I have my own abandoned projects. I have two fics that I will never finish, simply because my loss of passion caused me to forget my plot. But I never lost my love for my fics, and I wish I was able to finish them. Maybe I will, someday, but the odds are that I will continue on with my current projects first before I consider my previous ones. I have this bittersweet feeling for all loved, amazing, well thought out projects.
I wish all artists had equal ability to accomplish what they love.
#ADHD is a fucked up thing when it gets in the way of productivity#I have 50+ tabs of research open rn in a fit of hyperfocusing and now Ive overwhelmed myself#But I used to get really depressed when I dropped projects. I got so sad when I found out I was losing a hyperfixation...#Because they all mean so much to me - they all have a part of me imbued in the#But I cant control where my passion lies#Learning to drop a project or hobby you love for the sake of your mental health??#Is the hardest and saddest lesson to learn#I only started drawing again thanks to Harley Keener after 2 years of no art#And lemme tell you?? The wait was worth it.#I have a much more healthier outlook of my art and posting now thanks to this break#The same goes for my writing - school fucked up my relationship with writing so badly that it#took me over a year to get over. And Umbrella Academy helped me find my love for it again.#But sometimes dropping something is better than to kill urself over it ya know??#So I respect artists who decide to drop a fic or comic I love
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not me writing ~15k words and two and a half chapters of a new wip (in less than a week, i might add) while 1. i have already like 4 of them, they just keep coming up; 2. it's for that fandom, and 3. i'm in the middle of one the worst mental breakdowns i've ever had, so like. my sanity is hanging by a thread
#if you guess which fandom i'm talking about you're getting a virtual cookie lol#a small clue: it doesn't deserve me. and the ship&characters do deserve better#another clue: i disliked the ending because i thought some narrative/dialogs choices were cringe af.#unfortunately i can't control my heart and hyperfixations. so shit here we go again i guess!#val speaks#writing life#txt
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Urrrggg this movie is SOOO FUCKING AMAZING LOL
I just love Kiryu's Actor Kazuki Kitamura. He played the main villain, Commander X (Controller of Planet X), in Godzilla Final Wars (2004)
Just having him be in two things that I love makes my brain do FLIPS.
HE'S SO COOL AHHHHHHH
like a dragon: the movie moments i think about hourly
(video is like 5 minutes long of random clips i like from the movie)
#my hyperfixations got the better of me. sorry#i would be here all day talking about his other roles#im so sorry about this reblog#yakuza like a dragon 2007#yakuza#like a dragon#like a dragon movie#godzilla final wars#godzilla final wars 2004#commander x#controller of planet X
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i'm still developing Link for his blog, as well as Snufkin and Evelyn... but Xie Lian/maybe Shi Qingxuan is calling my name and saying to RP him...
#disco dances!#ALSO! life is kicking my ass... writing here will get done sometime soon! 🙏#but i have to control myself better... which is why i'm only adding them to my long list of ideas to return to later.#i refuse to just make a temporary hyperfixation into a whole blog to RP it.#i am going to put WAY too much thought into a character before committing to RPing them on here.#(this would be easier if i was just normal about characters and if i just had a multimuse...)#(but no. i am down bad for organization. so individual blogs it is.)#it is also better to have fewer characters to focus on when i'm so busy... so overall a good thing!
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i love the series but in no way would i ever recommend it to someone 😭 it's like ouran high school host club, i'd never recommend it to someone but if you've already watched it i'll go ONNNN about it
I have been here since 2010. And it’s only gotten harder as I got older. But I love my home fandom. Wouldn’t trade y’all for the world… Except some of y’all
#it's especially scary because under my edits on tiktok i have people asking me if they should watch it#and i so badly just want to say no and scream at them to save themselves#i love kuro but the anime is so objectively bad it's insane#look i can't control my hyperfixations it's not my fault i decided to obsess over bad media#the manga is better tho trust i always recommend people to rather read it instead of watching it#black butler#kuroshitsuji#kuroshitsuji manga
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