#connection and feel less alone
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I disagree your interpretation of spirituality is narrow and very backed by the Christian idea of spirituality. One believing that there is a life force that is as valuable as your own in every living animal, plant, even some times western traditional “not alive” things like waterways and rocks. That is also spirituality and I think you need some of it to feel fulfilled in the aspect that you are never alone. And you are an spirit on a complex web of other spiritual journeys.
The thing is. Cultural Christianity is a real problem but 9 out of 10 times someone brings it up in this website it's to complain about gays who don't believe in astrology or some shit like that.
#omg like y’all hate Catholicism as a reaction you know i think some of it is very valid because there are parts of it which is adaptation#of INDIGENOUS religion which is important that these people were like I will keep the cultural memory of my ancestors and or deity in this#saint.#when you look into it is facinating show of resistence and should be a continuum#some Catholics who have that history have even fought for a secular state to move AWAY from the influence of the church only to fail bc the#pope and system etc was so powerful#also yeah i agree about ouiji being just a game but things like that have existed for hundreds of years#yall are just boo hoo ing everything outside the narrow definition of spirituality that helps fill the inherent need of company and social#that you can only get from like a church community and instead of maybe going hey like#there should be a secular space for people to hang out without my hate of all religious activity in the way wow you just realized why#we need third spaces#I will go off like this because i think it’s a way to help counteract the harms of Christianity which is radical guilt and constant#forgiveness with cultural relativity and trying to understand how we got here and how any spirituality is valuble if that person really find#connection and feel less alone#radical destruction of binary with just being and understanding#rant#tag rant
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garbage rocket give me back the S.S. Dolphin
#annoying friggin computer leave Olimar alone he literally didnt even get to see his family before you blasted him off to space again#anyways this game is fun#i like having a buddy!!#it feels less lonely#theres a lot of similarities between this game and pikmin 4 that im connecting now#so far its pretty nice#pikmin 2#pikmin#pikmin fanart#captian olimar#louie#my art
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Sick of music that’s always about sex and romance? Me too, man!
Thankfully, there’s TONS of music out there that isn’t. Here are some artists with songs I LOVE LOVE LOVE that aren’t about either of those things to diversify your musical subject matter!
(Every artist is also either BIPOC, queer, or both!)
*Links lead to Spotify, but their music is available on all the other usual platforms, too!
Janani K. Jha 📚🏺
Vibe: like devouring an entire fantasy series in a weekend then blinking awake and realizing the rest of the world still exists somehow and you’re no longer sure what to do with your life
Library Card
Machine Learning
Two Roads
Vienna Teng 🌄🎹
Vibe: like life is a series of ups and downs and you’re softly clinging to hope because there really is so much beautiful about the world that makes it worth living
Never Look Away
Homecoming (Walter’s Song)
The Tower
AURORA ✨️🌙
Vibe: like frolicking barefoot in an early autumn wood with nymphs and fairies and harmonizing with the moon
Blood in the Wine
Runaway
Some Type of Skin
Amythyst Kiah 🪕🌇
Vibe: like whispered confessions that became declarations and using a banjo to try and discover who you are
Firewater
Chained to the Rhythm
Play God and Destroy the World
Mon Rovîa 🫂🌿
Vibe: like being told you’re not alone, and everything will be okay, just lay your head here and rest
City on a Hill
crooked the road.
To Watch the World Spin Without You
MALINDA 🏞💞
Vibe: like sitting by a river, following your dreams even though life is so so hard, and learning to love yourself
Love Letter
It's All True
Everything I Need
Enny Owl 🦉⛰️
Vibe: like hearing a forested mountainside sing you a lullaby as you lay in a bed of moss
Lifeboat
House on a Garden
Mother Earth
Please give these artists a try, they’re all incredible and deserve so much love! Share your favorite songs that aren’t about sex or romance in the tags and comments!
#music#song recs#music recs#spotify#asexual#aromantic#queer#bipoc#i have no inherent problem with songs about romance or sex#and I do listen to music about those things#but I have a deep deep appreciation for music that isn’t#music that challenges my ideas of what songs can be about#and that help me explore inner parts of myself#or make me feel less alone and more connected and more hopeful#all through the power of music#god I love music so much!!!!!
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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I finally finished playing Outer Wilds and I'm like,, this game has completely crushed me
#i love this game so so much#i saw someone play it when it first came out but stopped watching half way through bc i wanted to play it myself#and then i put it off for a few years saving it for a bad day#and then after everything that happened earlier this year i was like fuck it#started playing#i feel like ive changed as a person just playing it#imma take a short break before playing the dlc#i need something less smart lol#but god was this game just amazing#its beautiful and so well crafted#the characters are so fun ever if 90% of them are all through writing#everything is so rewarding once you figure things out and connect clues and information#figuring out what happened to the nomai made me cry for like half an hour alone /pos#and the ending#ough#outer wilds#mine.mebs#why is there more text in my tags than in the actual post
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planning document must be going well I just said the words “explaining the endurance of Platonism could be the life I’m living” to myself. Alone. At 2:30am. Because yeah. Could be.
#mrowmrowmrowmrowmrow I should be able to submit the word nya and the word nya alone in place of a second chapter#tumblr gets my planning thoughts because. yeah#I fucking hate chapter 2 so much for being a relations chapter in what began as a relations dissertation#on one hand I feel like I’m insane if I don’t talk about Origen in ReHashing Christian Neoplatonism The Dissertation but on the other hand#it is disingenuous to talk about incorporation of Platonism without addressing the vehement arguments against it#like I was there going what I would love is a good writer/writers between Justin+clem and Augustine and went well big issue is most of the#writings between actively addressing christianity and Platonism as a shared logos are arguing by against so#there is that#(I am at peace ish with the arbitrary decision to do Justin and clem for ch1 because I do think apologetics is the best genre to illustrate#the shift I’m discussing; ideal world would have me using every writer ever but. my supervisor says I can’t do that so)#but also it is so bullshit arbitrary relations chapter#I think it weakens my argumentation as opposed to contextualising it or adding complexity#it’s just like oh you were told to show opposing views and you did#clap clap whatever#I don’t know what it’s saying#in theory I’d love to find something about the root of the difficult of reconciling the two#but also what if I don’t find that#what then#Augustine must be discussed but otherwise every other writer is more or less arbitrary short of perhaps the issue of orthodoxy#but also that is what I get for doing a deeply arbitrary capstone as opposed to something with teeth#past Lewis deciding surely I will find something of substance if I engage in investigation of something I find interesting falling into the#eternal trap of contemporary humanities#things could be framed as an examination of how ideas get incorporated into canon#but also then it’s like why this as an example#and then it’s like well maybe there’s teeth in examining whether this was a part of platonism’s endurance and#you can spend a life explaining the endurance of Platonism#you can’t just say that in your introduction and conclusion and call it a day#connecting to medieval receptions is perhaps my only hope but why do medieval receptions matter I don’t know I am not a medievalist#and i fear I could spend a lifetime examining that#capstone
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the idea of "create art for yourself and no one else!" has always kinda bothered me tbh. like, art is literally a form of communication. i want to share it with other people, that's pretty much my whole motivation for creating it. because otherwise i'm just having yet another conversation with myself, y'know?
#my drawings are not very good but do u know the first thing i usually do when i finish one? or sometimes even when i start one?#i tell/show my mom. and then i post it here#it's like “hey guys i got you a souvenir from all my alone time!” and it makes me feel less alone about it#making art is so solitary and sharing it is so communal and i think that balance is what makes it so rewarding#it's introspection paired with connection it's fantastic#why wouldn't i want to share it?#why wouldn't i make it for other people? books have dedication pages for a reason#bri babbles
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your tags are me to a T, mommy issues from bio & adopted mom 😭 don't even want to think abt the abandonment issues... it's fckn hard out here for gods hottest soldiers 😔
(no need to apologize; I hate seeing you feel down when you do post, but I really do feel less alone reading them. you express your feelings in words so well feel like youre in my head 😅)
Well if I’m not here typing them out sharing them with you and everyone.. I’m crying, yelling and throwing things!!! I like to write or sing when I’m having a moment. I never learned emotional regulation so you guys get to go on that bumpy ride with me :)
#I’m usually having a lot of moments#thank you for letting me know I make you feel seen and less alone#i always wanted to reach and connect with others just like me🥺🤍
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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Having ome of those nights where I feel like everything I do/create/write just isn't good enough and will probably never find it's audience, but I have to keep going. It's all I have.
#Exe talkz#I just want to connect with people - but I feel like it's never going to happen#I know it's a fleeting thought and it's not going to be permanent#Sometimes I just wonder if anyone sees what I make and actually resonates with it#I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed by some things that I've had to do this year and it sucks#I'll probably touch on this on my yearly reflection post#Not to get depressing on main but I was set up to fail in almost every aspect of my life#I have a hard time making friends - a hard time relating to people - a hard time feeling safe around strangers to the point it paralyses me#I have a shaky job history - my degree is functionally worthless - and my interests are as niche as they come#I don't want pity I just want to feel less alone
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#iwtv is so much more fun if you're willing to actually dissect the story and characters and their world in good faith#which also means applying faults to characters as they are actually seen and not exaggerated or diminished simply by a bias#But when there is nothing actually definitive (only assumption to confirm) you can't actually say who's doing what w/o some bias involved#and yes a lot of times thats entirely going to be the right assumption because we can definitely infer#But there's a realm to where you do have to consider all possibilities are possible if they are left unanswered#you can place inferences but you can't claim them as definitive if they are just inferences#and other people are just going to have different inferences even bias. But this shouldn't mess with what's definitive about it.#basically taking a good faith journalism stance on it so your not falling into possible problematic biases#there are also functions of vampirism and how it works in this context which do not mirror our world 1 to 1#for instance whereas humans have to live in direct contact with society and its various problems bias and ideologies vampires live on the#outskirts of this. Only ever coming into contact by influencing onto that world by their outside actions or appearances#the human world serves nothing for them except as threat or supply for wants or needs. There's no real connection there.#When mapping vampiric existence onto human existence it can a lot of times lead to problems in trying to bridge this cognitive dissonance.#You can not be in community with humanity when you are by nature a being opposed to it. Which is contentious when you want to be part still#They can be effected by this and effect onto it yes but they are not actually a part of it and never will be.#I'd say if you effect onto humanity positively it's better to have it for the enjoyment of it alone as opposed to seeking human connection#as any criticisms of this connection your trying to seek is essentially denial your own sought humanity as opposed to the object of doing#and this would always be a lost cause#but i think I digress here#there are also cultural beliefs and practices of vampires that are not found in our world such as laws and covens and ideologies#a lot of which are quite actually opposed to normal human understandings of rightness and morality#they culturally are more open to accepting those who are viewed as less than or moral because this is a reflection of themselves#And we can and should certainly point to all of this stuff for what it is I feel
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watching media where characters have big supportive communities and lovely caring connections is all fun and games until it starts the brain a-yearning
#//juri speaks#i dont have a religion or heritage or any sort of inherent community like that#and i am allergic to talking to people so i'll never have that deep connection#but man i Want It. i want to feel less alone in this stupid world and like i can be my whole self#without being afraid of what people will think or if they'll get irritated bc im not always bright and cheery#anyway it is now 9pm so i am just going to go to bed about All This#(and then not be able to sleep anyway bc i am dreading going to the doctor)
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anyway! officially booked both the time off and the hotel to go to london for my birthday. this will be nice
#saying it out loud so its real a little here#we're gonna roll it into seeing family too#nyxtalks#idk if anyone actually resds these but. good solution to my messy emotions about not having people to do things with anymore#just get the fuck outta here#its middle of summer holidays so im gonna try & find. some less popular things to do! maybe even. not do them with my mum#but also doing them alone will be. overwhelming. but maybe good for me#anyway. couple weeks to go. we will see how it goes#i wish i was the kind of person to go out to bars. londons got a lot of queer spots maybe itd be nice to go. be me#i so very rarely get to be me#(i just wouldnt enjoy the bar alone part though. but ONCE AGAIN. this is the birthday plan Because im alone)#i guess im still having those feelings i was having. but at least im not gonna be sat at home miserable now#i wanna maybe do smthn fun on here too. yall are my actual connections these days. idk!#its the 18th. got a little to decide. idk what would even be fun for people
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i hope this post finds you well! quick little soft reboot!
i want to do a soft reboot of this blog! i won't be moving or doing a deep clean, but i do want to start fresh in that i think that the best thing for that is retiring most if not all old threads. it's been a while and i'm not sure if The Muse is there and i certainly don't expect it from anyone! so i won't jumpscare anyone with a thread from 2 years ago lol. i miss writing with you all and in a silent lurk i've read what you guys write on the dash for a couple days and it ignited that spark again to want engage in that!
if you see this and you want a little starter thrown your way, let me know!
#「 ooc. 」 boonta eve drift.#i know ive been gone and gone here and there#my intention was to always kinda keep this blog lowkey#but i've simply not even been here which is my b i want to make an effort of being here somewhat consistently#nothing serious just simple life stuff & trying to be less online#i think im rediscovering my passion for writing and i really want to get back into it#rp in particular is fascinating because of that connection between writers and through interactions having you#adapt and plot and learn too in a sense? if that makes sense lol#i think that during the period that i was writing on here it helped me develop as a writer in aspects i never really thought about#things like voice and the perspective of characters and dynamics#dynamics especially! because i had the problem before when writing character relationships in solo felt a bit one note and almost monotonou#writing here really taught me how to make the distinction between characters and the nuances that define a relationship#so um yeah#i checked who i follow and my goodness was there a mass exodus! many non active for 1+ years#makes me feel a bit less alone in my leave lol#oh! in the time i've been here on and off i've learned fr*nch! so salut mes amis! i sincerely apologize!
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"I really love my home, the land it's on is lovely and the greenhouse is coming along very nicely. I just wish the house itself wasn't so big. It's lonely living there without anyone else."
#❦ 𝒲𝒽𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒯𝓊𝓁𝒾𝓅 ❦ ic#❦ ℐ𝓇𝒾𝓈 ❦ Open#((I just started thinking about how lonely Haru's house must feel#I imagine even before her father's death it was lonely but after his death it got lonely in a different way#Less lonely in the way of 'Someone is here but I can't connect with them' & more lonely in the way of 'I am truly alone now aren't I'#This also makes me think of my fave Haru Yusuke hc someone suggested#Which was that Haru offers to let Yusuke move in with her so he doesn't have to pay for his dorm at school/an apartment after graduation#That hc just warms my heart))
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reading/listening to The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall atm and something about queerness transcending time chokes me up whenever I think about it too hard
#just…feeling that connection to voices in history and thinking ‘I hear you’ and ‘I know’ and feeling that bit less alone#I’m not even very far in but I know this book is probably gonna have an impact#the well of loneliness#radclyffe hall#also being afab and ‘too much’ like your father for your mothers liking…..hoo boy#and feeling too much and talking too much but not knowing how tf to navigate social situations#yeah
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