#completely incoherent about it!
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You rushed in to try to make some peace with Ja'Marr when he was talking to the Official. What were you thinking in terms of trying to get [Ja'Marr] back focused?
Just trying to de-escalate the situation. You know hopefully...hoping that...that...you know I'm not entirely sure what was said or who threw the flag but um....you know usually.....yeah um...that was uhh...that's all I've got to say about that.
#ohhhh he's so troubled by the whole thing#completely incoherent about it!#when normally he's good at coming up with polished bland responses even in the worst of times!#the long pauses! the trailing off! the looking down!#already looking like he was near tears the entire press conference#ouch ouch ouch#joe burrow#ja'marr chase
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something to recognize that choosing recovery again and again is difficult work, and you are not weak for faltering
#comics#hey proud of myself for completing a multi page comic even if its not that long#i realized i tend to operate under made up rules about the art in a comic being super consistent and it limits me#so i tried letting myself be looser with it :>#i hope this makes sense let me know what u think i feel so incoherent lately#hope everyone is doing well !!! havent been v active but i just got a flatbed scanner so i should be able to post some drawings soon :O#been UNWELL super unemployed i am in the slime i am seeing the skull#digital art#autobio comics#ask to tag#self harm cw#self harm tw#addiction cw#addiction tw
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I love Kidnap Fam a lot, I really do, but I’ve seen a trend of brushing over the worst parts of Maglor and especially Maedhros’ history in Kidnap Fam works.
And I suppose that’s fine sometimes you don’t wanna deal with atrocities and you just want fluff.
But I think a lot of the time when writing the Kidnap Fam there’s a tendency for mostly Elrond to sort of excuse the actions of the House of Feanor.
I think maybe that’s because it is hard to conceptualise Mags and Mae being both kind to the children and villains at the same time.
And don’t mistake me, I think all the sons of Feanor were villains by their deaths. Maedhros, in my opinion, is the definition of ‘die a hero or live long enough to be a villian’.
Being critically online (guilty) I find it hard to remember that the world isn’t black or white. People are multifaceted. Their goodness doesn’t wipe away the harm they’ve done and vice versa.
All this to say that I’m really looking forward to some more Kidnap Fam fics that explore the idea of Elrond loving and honoring them as his parents, all the while being like ‘yeah they were also horrible but I still love them and don’t think they should be doomed forever’.
Because at the end of the day, neither Mags nor Mae were truly monsters (just straight evil with no goodness), but people who were capable of hunting for hours for a pair of lost boys, and refusing to burn the ships for love, as well as slaughtering an entire city full of refugees.
So yeah! Let’s see some Elrond having complicated feelings about that!! Woo!
#silmarillion#kidnap fam#elrond#elros tar minyatur#maedhros#maglor#tolkien#this is completely incoherent#i’m sorry everyone#I can’t get a point across to save my life#someday maybe I’ll talk about Maedhros as a hero and a villain#he’s my favorite pathetic warlord
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I know I joked about how there was no reason for Izzy to be shirtless in that scene (and I stand by that) but I think it is really interesting how he is bare-chested. His leathers are a part of his image and reputation. They are part of what marked him as Blackbeard's. But more than that, they represent armor - in taking off his leather armor, he is bearing his vulnerabilities, and more precisely, his heart.
When Izzy is training, he isn't in his room. He is in a communal part of the ship, where, presumably, any one of the crew could enter. When Stede enters, he doesn't become defensive at being found in a vulnerable state. Instead he says "I'm having to relearn the basics with one leg." He openly admits to his weakness. He is the best sword fighter, that is his reputation, how he defines his worth (in his use as an incredibly fighter), but he didn't lie about the struggle of having to adapt to one leg. He didn't even try to down-play it by saying he was adjusting or refining his sword fighting with one leg. He outright says he is relearning.
Then (the showoff) Izzy demonstrates what he has been practicing. Now, he has just said he is relearning it - we can assume that he was better at this before he lost his leg. He shows Stede (who, to be fair, Izzy would know would probably be impressed regardless) something he is still working on. Not something he has perfected.
Then he turns his back to Stede. Without his armor on, having just admitted to a weakness.
Even when he asks 'but what did he say about me specifically,' he is showing vulnerability. His heart (and great tits) are in the middle of the shot when he shows Stede that he cares what Blackbeard has to say about him.
The lack of Izzy's leather armor/vest, and showing his bare chest (is much appreciated) is symbolic of his trust in the crew and in Stede. He shows his vulnerabilities and his shortcomings, when previously he never would, for fear of the crew losing respect for him.
The crew has seen him at his lowest, and came together to support him, showing him that he was a part of the crew and that they cared for him, not just what he was useful for, which is something that Izzy has ever experienced before.
This is not a man who expected kindness at his lowest point.
This, however, is a man who has found purpose because his crew cares about him.
Izzy took off the all-black leather armor which defined him as Blackbeard's, and in doing so, he showed his heart and his trust to the crew.
#this turned into an incoherent rambling#to be completely honest#it never was coherent#i have to many thoughts for that#but yeah that scene represents how he is changing from being blackbeard's to being the revenge crew's#and how he trusts the crew#and that he trusts that the crew don't only care about his usefulness and ability to do his job#and also how he wants to be better for the crew#ofmd#izzy hands#mine#con o'neill#ofmd s2#ofmd meta
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i don't know what order to start Dissecting, so i'll just start with:
it's absolutely fascinating how the dynamic Wally & Barnaby had - to my knowledge - before the update, and a dynamic i'd seen speculated elsewhere and generally accepted, has been completed turned on its head
see, given that Wally is the "main character" and Barnaby is classified as "his best friend", i got the feeling that Barnaby kind of... tags along on Wally's 'shenanigans'. that he's the sidekick, the best friend. especially since their dynamic has been previously & briefly described as "Barnaby is very polite to Wally." he's the Companion.
but the audios sorta paint a reverse picture. in the Interview, when Barnaby enters stage right, he completely bowls over Wally's introduction and dominates the interview. when the interviewer asks how the two of them are handling the fame, even outright asking Wally, Barnaby doesn't hesitate to answer the question himself, and only about himself. Wally doesn't get another word in edge-wise until the interviewer explicitly singles Wally out.
(now, an argument could be made that Barnaby knew that Wally was somewhat overwhelmed with all of the questions, and tried to take the reins to give him a reprieve. but, considering that the interview seems to be very early on the possible timeline - like, very soon after Welcome Home debuted - i don't think this is likely. i doubt Barnaby and Wally would've had the time to solidify their dynamic or really get to know each other that well yet)
and Barnaby continues to take point in pretty much all of their other conversations, too. like in the mystery Howdy/Barnaby/Wally audio, their interaction gives off the vibes that Wally is Barnaby's sidekick, his tag-along.
(on a related tangent, it's fascinating how the website described the episodes as "[beginning] with Wally introducing the focus or theme for the day before coming across other characters who would join him on his escapades until the end of the day." but from pretty much everything we've seen so far, it seems like He's the one who's just along for the ride, bouncing from neighbor shenanigan to neighbor shenanigan instead of having his own adventures.
of course, if the 14 audios are present time, which is honestly somewhat likely, this could be because the show isn't running. they aren't doing episodes - they're just existing, doing their things. no need for Wally to take point in any way shape or form. tangent over)
in the 14 audios with Barnaby, he doesn't even acknowledge Wally until the very end - which, of course, could be because that's how the scenes are set up. except that in some of them, the characters do directly acknowledge Wally's presence outside of the endings. Eddie in 5-14, Howdy and Poppy in 1-14, and Frank in 4-14 (technically, since he was infodumping to Wally at the very start before Barnaby interrupted). you'd think that a guy would try to include his best friend a little more!
maybe i'm reading into it too much. & given what we know about Wally as a character, it would make sense for Barnaby to be the go-getter Main Guy of the two. but it really seems like its Barnaby & Wally instead of Wally & Barnaby. he's just kinda... there. going along with whatever Barnaby is up to.
but also, on the other side of things - & it's occurring to me as i type this, it's interesting how in a lot of audios, Barnaby seems to seek Wally out. in "Just So", he shows up to fetch Wally. in 4-14, Barnaby interrupts Frank and Wally's gardening session, almost as if he's stopping by to check on his little buddy. in 7-14, Barnaby calls Julie's house (presumably) searching for Wally, or at least checking in once again. something to consider in all of this!
#and if the 14 audios are in the same day along a timeline - which they Are. im trying to puzzle it out rn but anyway -#its interesting how barnaby just kept. checkin. in.#they had three audios where they were already hanging out and then got two (technically three) more where barnaby checked in!#it feels like there's something there...#separation anxiety? a compulsion? love for his buddy? a secret fourth thing?#maybe he could tell something was Off with wally that day...#(which is a topic i will ramble about in a different post)#its a push & pull to be certain....#but yeah that plus all the evidence of Barnaby kinda being the Lead and wally being brushed off to the side....#what a complicated fuckin picture it paints!!! dont know what it means yet!#i have another post im working on centering on how the neighbors seem to treat each other - wally & eddie especially#but this post aint about that. itll be related though#homebogging#wh speculation#please let this have made sense!#when i make posts i just kinda throw myself at it bc i have No organizational skills!#my brain is a complete incoherent mess and i am so sorry if this post is messy <3
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in succession 2x08 dundee when logan says “the past is all made up” i really do think that’s the thesis of the entire show btw.
like, the roy kids’ conflicting memories of their childhoods that are never clarified through any kind of flashbacks or confirmation, the entire fucking cruises scandal and the coverups of major crimes, kendall’s accident and how he even tries to rewrite the past in the finale (“that didn’t happen. I made it up”) as logan so often did in both big and small ways (from denying his knowledge of the cruises crimes before congress to small moments of “I told you this already” and “did I even make contact?”)
the fucking poem Dreamsong 29 by John Berryman that all the season finales are named after. this is just the last stanza:
“But never did Henry, as he thought he did, / end anyone and hacks her body up / and hide the pieces, where they may be found. / He knows: he went over everyone, & nobody’s missing. / Often he reckons, in the dawn, them up. / Nobody is ever missing.”
And we never have real confirmation that logan did know about cruises because the characters (minus kendall) deny it to the last. but we know. we keep our plausible deniability because we don’t know, but we know. the show essentially makes us complicit in the same way that the characters are. most of them don’t know that he knew, because they never had any explicit proof, but as kendall says in season 3 “C’mon. We knew.”
the narrative continually shows us that logan “keeps a watchful eye over his whole empire” with perhaps the best example being how he buries the evidence of kendall’s accident and manslaughter at the end of season 1. that’s a very clear parallel to the cruises situation and that’s so skillfully and subtly woven throughout season 2 when the cruises scandals are coming to light and kendall is still reeling from the accident and his guilt.
and all that’s not even touching on the whole matter of ATN and the debate over how involved logan really is in what news stories and political views his network pushes (which could be a whole separate post of its own). very similar to how the cruises thing is handled, the line is always that logan isn’t involved, while the narrative shows us otherwise.
there are a million other examples both big and small that i could pull but this post is already such a disorganized mess. someday i’ll write an essay about it i swear, or maybe somebody else out there already has, but i just needed to point out how brilliant and subtle the show is about this as i’m rewatching season 2
#feel free to add on to this if you have more examples!!#or more analysis!!#this is by no means comprehensive or complete#it’s just food for thought so please feel free to engage#i may add to it myself in the future#succession#logan roy#kendall roy#succession meta#ro speaks#ro rambles incoherently about succession#insert the charlie always sunny pepe silvia meme here#that’s what it feels like to think about this beautiful harrowing television show
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Sanders Sides theory (rant). I know im mainly a mh acc here but I have thoughts i need to get out there
(just fyi this theory is Roman centric, I know most TSS people nowadays are talking ab Orange and Logan so if Roman's not interesting then continue on 🔥🔥)
(Also slight TW, talking ab the sides "ducking out" and depression themes, so yeah👍👍)
Okay so. I was scrolling through Sanders Sides theories and found that no one seems to have this theory, even though I thought the Roman angst enjoyers like me would be writing this all over the place but. Ig that means I need to talk about it.
I've had this theory for years now, since the day I first watched SVS Redux.
I think Roman is going to duck out.
I dont know if I have to explain why but. I mean, just looking at the explosive end SVS Redux had will tell you a lot.
He doesn't belive Patton when he tells him they love him. He thinks Thomas has lost all faith in him in favor of the person Roman views as the epitome of evil. He's been switching views left and right to stay on Patton's side (because Thomas prides himself on his morals), but he always ends up doing something wrong - he always ends up as an antagonist. He no longer believes that he is the one thing that being has kept him stable since "Am I Original?" - Thomas' hero. The only side he has a stable and positive relationship with is VIRGIL of all people. And tbh that could quickly be ruined too. Logan is second, though, but that's EXTREMELY fragile, as we've seen.
Roman always does something wrong and it will and has sent him over the edge. From Roman's perspective, with a very flawed view of everyone around him, he is inherently the thing that flaws Thomas.
+ Roman is really dramatic obviously, so ofc he would do this.
When you look at Virgil's reasonings for ducking out, it seems plausible after everything Roman has gone through recently, too. I mean like:
"I quit. Decided it wasn't worth it anymore"
Why would Roman keep fighting a battle he knows he will never win?
"Well, It didn’t seemed like I was wanted. You all made that pretty clear any time I showed up."
Again, from Roman's perspective, he is constantly and consistently antagonized.
"If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would've shown up I would've shown up in person like I usually do."
[same thing]
"I actually think you were right to not want me around."
Roman fears that he is becoming the villain (as we see in SVS, SVS Redux and DWIT).
(In fact, Roman has already said something quite similar to that last one in sentiment.
In SVS Redux, Roman says this, which is pretty funny because of the dramatics and the stupidity, and does get shot down quickly, but I am begging you to listen to him.
"The blame falls to me. If you're missing that do-gooder drive... I think It's because I'm in the driver seat... And I'm an awful driver... Perhaps... Perhaps I should let Patton take the wheel.")
(2nd sidenote to the Virgil quotes, can we talk ab Thomas' acting again I just love how tired Virgil is in AA. He's so. Troubled. I love him.)
WAIT ALSO I FORGOT TO ADD THIS UNTIL I WAS AB TO POST IT-
"I've always aimed to protect you,"
THIS!! First of all his face makes me so sad BUT SECOND OF ALL yeah. Roman core idk what else to say, you get it right.
"I thought I was your hero."
So yeah.
Anyway, I think the episode where Roman does this will be centered around depression. Without Roman, Thomas is depressed. Let me explain this further.
Roman is Thomas' creativity, imagination, ego, passion, love, wills and wants, hopes and dreams, aspirations and enthusiasm.
Without any of that, what is left? A guy who can't even will himself out of bed, but can still feel the nagging voice of reason and logic telling him how unreasonable he's being. A guy who cant will himself to talk to friends, family and loved ones, but can still feel sorrow for letting them down and worrying them. A guy who can't will himself to pursue creative content that he relies on for a living but can still feel anxious about letting millions of people down and never being able to create again. A guy who cant even make food for himself or brush his teeth, but still knows he NEEDS to take care of himself. A guy whose only creativity is activly trying to disturb and scare him.
So yeah thats really awesome idk.
Furthermore, I think the sides might be SEVERELY impacted.
It has been said many times over the series that the sides are purely figments of Thomas' IMAGINATION. so. Without Roman, I doubt anything would be left. Obviously, if Roman does duck out, I don’t think they'd all immediately just cease to exist because an episode still needs to occur, but I find it likely that they'd all start slowly fading or maybe even "malfunctioning", glitching, putting them on a timer to get back Roman and making it far more tense.
Is this theory weird?????? I feel like it's the natural progression TO ME but I've seen no one even getting near this and im just confused ghfhfhfh. Maybe it is kind of weird and im just too much of a Roman enthusiast. SORRY I LOVE ANNOYING WEIRDO FREAKS!!!! AND IF I WAS HIM ID DUCK OUT TOO BECAUSE NO ONE IS APPRECIATING HIM ☹️☹️☹️ EVEN THOUGH HE'S LITERALLY WHAT MAKES THOMAS DO THINGS. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Anyway.
I also think it fits really well because of Prinxiety's parallels, such as:
(using the ship name just as a duo name because that's what I usually do I am not trying to push the prinxiety agenda although I am a fan of it ghfyfgfh)
"Thanks everyone... Well, almost everyone."
And
"I mean, it's cool to see you all trying to be helpful. Well most if you, but-"
The only difference in these two is obviously that Virgil just silently ducks out, while Roman has the entire "You make us better" speech, probably effectivly saving Virgil and Thomas, because it seems like Virgil was going to insist.
(Also another sidenote that I think everyone will agree with: WE NEED A "YOU MAKE US BETTER" SPEECH BY VIRGIL FOR ROMAN that is all)
Also. Who can forget.
Virgil saying that he tried to "duck out" and then
"That's a thing you can do?"
😐
Do you understand what I'm saying. Do you. Huh.
Okay anyway.
Idk how to end this I feel like theres still more I wanna say but i forgot. In conclusion: prin up that xiety. Reminder that FWSA was real and not a fever dream. I lied this is actually prinxiety propaganda.
But Hey That's Just A Theory. A really quite depressing and sad theory. Thanks for tumbling down a hill with me 🫶
#Sanders Sides#TSS#roman sanders#roman sanders angst#sanders sides theory#TSS theory#Prinxiety#Because i feel like you guys might appreciate this and I love you#Erm yeah this one's been cooking in my brain since the year 2020#I feel as though it just makes sense????#But im also pretty sure that I sound completely incoherent to anyone else pfyfyfhfh#MAYBE I AM BLINDED BY ROMAN ANGST ENJOYMENT!!! SO WHAT!!!! HES MY ORIGINAL BLORBO#Also fun fact about me: when I was around 10-11 I wrote a list of ways to emotionally and pshychologically torture Roman#One of the point just said “he gets hit by a car”#So#Uh#That's something!!#I am so mentally stable#Always have been
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the most agonising thing about holland saying 'once you let the magic in, you've already lost' to kell is the parallel to his receipt of the soul seal, and how he felt the magic running through his veins before he could block it out. he knew first hand how dark magic can damn you once it gets into your blood, antari or not, and it was as much a tired warning and reminder of his own pain as it was a jab at kell's weakness. between that and astrid's desire to keep kell, holland spent the entirety of book one a little too close to seeing kell relive his own trauma, and was consequently doing the few things he could to prevent it
he may not have liked kell, but he refused to let magic ruin kell's life the way it had his. to the point of letting kell kill him.
#somewhat incoherent post because i noted down this quote mid-reread and was still thinking about it#there is another parallel in my head but in a completely different direction#a darker shade of magic#shades of magic#kell maresh#holland vosijk#adsom
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genshin impact gif challenge ✦
[1/?] story quests → diluvies chapter, act i: the remains of the past day
"you will see much in the human world, from the delightful to the depressing. and one day, when you have dwelt among humanity long enough, you will be placed to bring judgment over all as the spokesperson for fontaine's past."
#genshin impact#genshinedit#genshinimpactedit#genshinet#neuvillette#mine*#neuvillette*#gifchallenge*#*incoherent sobbing* NEUVILLETTEEEEEEEE#i love his sq so fucking much it made me sob like a baby after i was done with it#(still makes me sob every time i think about this quest ngl)#you don't understand i had venti's sq as my favourite for So Long bc of the emotional impact it left on me after it was done#and then this dropped in 4.1 and it immediately rose up to be my fave THAT is how good it is to me#everything about neuvi just completely shattered my initial expectations of him and it includes this quest it's soskjdhfskj#NEUVILLETTE I LOVE U#im so normal about him i swear#also i'll be making a separate gifset for him later down the line for this challenge#bc he's very lore relevant im waiting to see if he'll get more involvement in a possible interlude quest or if he gets a second sq#same goes for furina im just waiting until 4.6 to see what happens basically LMAO
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siffrin post-canon h/c is like "dw you're not actually mean, we love you!" and loop post-canon h/c is like "yes you are mean, and we still love you!"
#so imo it's like#loop's baseline is just being kinda annoying#and when they feel worse they get pointedly mean#and when they feel even worse they get quiet which they hate but unfortunately being around real people in real timelines is v overwhelming#and then at ROCK BOTTOM they are like incoherently screaming and physically lashing out#vs siffrin's baseline is being a little quiet and a little helpful and a little funny#and when they feel worse they withdraw more#and he feels even worse he maybe breaks down crying or maybe dissociates completely and maybe?? communicates??#and then at rock bottom they lash out / get mean#basically loop was at rock bottom for so long that it became their default coping mechanism#all the in between shit is too vulnerable or too siffrin-y or too cringe#and it's been kinda liberating not worrying so much#so anyway#that's why siffrin needs to be reassured that their mean moments don't define them#and loop needs to be reassured that it's ok to choose to be angry#like it's not Good to be mean but. they don't have to be good to be loved#isat#loop#siffrin#isat spoilers#thoughts#thoughts about loop#thoughts about siffrin
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One of my main takes on adeline is still that she is more in control of whats happening to her than the context would make you think. I hate all portrayals of her as naive (dont get me started on that) i think that she very much is being manipulated by the church in many ways but all her decisions were her own. She lacks agency but she is still in control of her fate somewhat. I think the research hall experimented on many that were not consenting/did not know what was being done to them, but i don't think she was one of them. Not necessarily because shes a blood saint, if anything i think that did not matter that much wrt who was chosen for the experiments, but just because she made that choice of her own will. Now the arguing point is more of a philosophical one i guess aka how much of it is her own choice if part of why she decided to do it was because the church instilled into her the idea that she is worth nothing as a human being. So she has been biased but her hand was not forced exactly. I'm always saying it but my favorite thing about her is how clearly stubborn she is and i think that plays into it. But back to what i was saying, i think she has a relatively clear idea of everything around her and i dont think she is blind to the church's practices. She has utmost faith in them but i don't think shes unaware of what they do. I think she has some kind of like... knowledge that is beyond what youd assume her to have, it's mostly just A Take, the only way in which i see this reflected in her dialogues is the fact she knows exactly what she needs to ascend and that gives her that feeling of like... Knowing more than what would seem normal for someone in her position, i think especially in the nightmare with ascension nearing she is getting a sense of what precise steps she needs to take to get where she wants to be. I don't know if what I'm typing makes any sense it's really late. I think in the nightmare she has access to inherent knowledge about the mechanics of this world that she doesnt necessarily Understand, she just Knows. It's something she would not be able to explain but she feels.
#i might be completely incoherent rn im really tired forgive me#but i think the point im trying to make gets across ok enough#bloodborne#im tagging it bc i need ppl to think about her#and also im feeling brave i want to advertise myself back into the world Maybe. hard maybe
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#kung fu panda#kfp#kung fu panda 4#kfp 4#outdesign posts things#this is going to be completely incoherent to anyone who hasn't seen this movie#no I have not stopped thinking about it for the last several weeks
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I’ve never seen a Jason liker say “he didn’t really kill all those people or hurt anyone”*** And yet other parts of the fandom are constantly putting out shit like “Jason stans are abuse apologists” *****But the part that is making me actually sick about it is the way Bruce fans, saying this kind of thing about Jason, and in those very posts say “Bruce isn’t perfect.” Like I’m going to actually be sick. Vomitrocious.
When the situation is literally abusive, as in “a person with a longstanding relationship with a pattern of using violence to control the other” suddenly you can’t say it? Grow up please. Like just be honest. You won’t go to hell if you say “canon Bruce abuses his kids I just like to think about him he’s my favorite character.” But I promise you will actually go to hell if you re-enact the end scene of Some Like it Hot but with times Bruce decked his kids. “Nobody’s perfect” “he’s made mistakes” Go straight to hell hitting your kid isn’t just a “mistake” and this admitting Bruce “isn’t perfect” is not the same as saying “Bruce has a persistent habit of being physically violent with his kids when he’s feeling angry.” THAT is the actual abuse apology.
*** Jason being under some kind of influence is popularized and maybe invented by fanon Tim likers who want to read 284950 fics of Jason beating Tim up and stabbing him and then swaddling him in a baby blanket so Tim can beatifically forgive him. Jason being mentally unstable =/= Jason being mind controlled. 98% of Jason fanblogs reblog every “your honor he did do those things” type post they can find. Where is the idea that Jason fans deny his actions coming from?
*****setting aside that these people don’t differentiate between assault and abuse when it props up their condemnation for them to use the word that sounds worse
#most unhinged incoherent ramble of all time#if I have to see another person not just saying oh I don’t like thinking about rhato it isn’t well written Bruce#but legitimately saying ‘Bruce was right to do all that in rhato25 Jason needed to be taken out’#completely glossing over the context of Bruce rage beating his kids#in a way that’s been consistent. like I don’t like it either but it’s a king standing Bruce characteristic. he hits people#who disagree with him and who make him mad. for his night work and he lets it bleed into his personal and professional life. that’s canon#like thank fucking god Dc knows making Bruce abuse selina would actually be too far. sincerely thank god every day#she said something along the lines of ‘you’re a fucking cop Bruce go ahead hit me I know you want to’ one time at least#but like. you know.
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BBH: "Just don't lose yourself, okay?" Cellbit: "I can't. I've tried to."
Because he thinks this is it. This is him, this? Because...the person he's tried to hide? The feelings he's tried time and again to shove down—this anger, this violence, this...empty, numb feeling? They just keep coming back. It's there, it's always right there. It's never left him alone, not even for a second. So of course this is who he is, in Cellbit's mind. This is him.
Because he has tried for so long. Six months, that we've seen—and implied years of therapy between jail and his coming to the island. He has fought tooth and nail for every inch of "normalcy" that he has ever had. Because he's never been "normal," he doesn't know what "normal" is! He grew up on the battlefield, stained with blood that he was never quite sure wasn't his own, knife gripped white-knuckled in a shaking fist, fending off opponents left, right, and center. He grew up in a prison, where you were either on top or dead. He grew up in kill or be killed. He grew up in every man, woman, and child for themselves.
Cellbit has never known "normal." He has only ever known "survive."
And then he finds out that he, in fact, did know normal. He used to have parents, a sister, a family that he can't remember. But that's exactly it; because he can't remember them. Whoever that little boy that had a red bedroom full of mystery novels was, whoever Bagi's twin brother that hugged her and apologized after hitting her with a wooden sword, whoever that kid that ran around the island investigating mysteries was...to Cellbit, that boy never existed.
That's not him.
This is.
And he's been pretending—holding back—for six months, minimum. He's been trying to be a completely different person: a friend, a husband, a father, an uncle, a leader, a detective...but now? At the end of all of this? Where has he ended up?
Right back where he started. Waking up in pools of blood, unsure what's his and what isn't.
The road map of his life is a fucking circle, and he's hated every second of it. He knows he's a monster—he'll tell you that himself if you give him the chance. He's well aware that by attacking the Federation, he's inviting pure hell to rain down on him. He doesn't care. As long as it gives the others the opening they need, as long as the people he loves stand with him—though preferably behind him—and safe...he is absolutely fine with not making it out of this alive.
Maybe then he can finally put this identity crisis to rest.
[EDIT: And of course, remember: qCellbit is a mess. This is how he sees himself. Nothing more, nothing less.]
#this is my roman empire people.#this may be completely incoherent; i lost my train of thought halfway through#i'm just mentally ill about qcellbit#qsmp#qsmp cellbit#character study
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i could talk about the parallels between the dreemurr siblings and the skeleton brothers and how one is more reserved and is closely related to your choices and willing to make the hard choices that their brothers can't while the other is more energetic and refuses to kill even in the face of certain death and is closely tied to belief and hope and how both are so extremely codependent and how the dreemurrs were doomed because of it but the skeletons avoid their fate
but instead i'll just say that chara and sans are joined in "my brother is the coolest" solidarity
#there's something about how chara is shaped by your choices and sans is the judge#also they're both jokesters#you know for a fact they would find each other so fucking funny#toby made them incapable of interacting because he knew they'd be unstoppable as canon best friends#papyrus and asriel's death parallels make me run into walls#(az's original death)#just the complete unwillingness to kill and belief that mercy is always possible#that belief gets torn from asriel#but papyrus is still going strong#love that for him#undertale#chara dreemurr#asriel dreemurr#sans the skeleton#papyrus the skeleton#i'm very tired so sorry if this is incoherent#but boy do i love toby fox's sibling characters#do i even have to say 'don't bring shipping into this'#sorry. forgot i was making an undertale post. (sarcasm)
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one of my biggest fic pet peeves is when they make a canon bi character gay, like?? there’s no need, they are already attracted to the same gender? literally what is the point of erasing their bisexuality, when it literally does not change the possibility of your ship happening? 😭 idk, it just does not sit well with me, lol
#tw biphobia#meg’s incoherent thoughts#bisexuality#like i just find it odd because there’s no reason to do it#unless it’s to erasure a character being bisexual#most times i think it’s used to like insinuate that the ship won’t break up because they won’t “miss the other gender”#which is a horrible biphobic stereotype#fandom be normal about bisexuality challenge#also i’m not talking about like a popular hc and then someone going against that i’m talking about characters who have stated they are bi#in the media they are in and it being completely erased in fics#sorry this was a rant lol
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