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bambi-kinos · 2 years ago

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excerpts from the McLennon server (hamburg part 2)

Thank you everyone for your patience. This is Part Two of the ongoing Hamburg Conversation from the McLennon server. Part One is here: https://www.tumblr.com/bambi-kinos/718114537612656640/excerpts-from-the-mclennon-server

In Part Two of the Hamburg Conversation we discussed the 1960 trip from Paul’s POV and why he abandoned the Beatles to get a job as a coil winder. This goes into Stuart and Klaus and the Exis, plus how Paul reacted to John’s mind games where he pitted his loved ones against each other. Much has been made of John in Hamburg and how it connected to his later patterns but very little discussion of Paul comparatively.

This conversation was much messier as it spanned several days. We used Discord’s “reply” feature liberally. Sometimes you will see disparate time stamps; this is because I decided to pair the replies with the original comments they were replying to for the sake of readability. Please let me know if there are any confusing points where this doesn’t work and I’ll do my best to clarify the conversation.

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Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/07/2023 11:02 PM I am back on my bullshit about Hamburg again. this period is just super fascinating to me because of all the possibilities and the way things happened the way they did

I also want to understand why Paul chose John when the first Hamburg trip really sucked in a lot of ways and it could easily have ended with them going off to do something else.

in the beginning John helped Stuart bully Paul and he ostracized Paul from the group via the Exis (apparently deliberately? I go back and forth on this all the time, because I wouldn't put it past John to do it on purpose... but then again his MO was to get enamored with something new only to eventually drop it and snuggle up to Paul again so John probably didn't see it that way?) But once all of that was over and they were back in Liverpool, John tracked down Paul and he had to do a lot of shitwork to get back into Paul's good graces again.

Paul found a job at his dad's behest but I don't think he would have continued with the Beatles if John hadn't come to fetch him. John did something really smart when he came to fetch Paul from the yard where Paul was working: he brought George. First he had to tell George "yeah I'm back" but then he brought George with him to ask Paul to come back. Smart. Strength in numbers. Shows that he's serious and it doesn't look like he's begging because he brought another band member with him.

but Paul didn't leave that job immediately. It took months for Paul to fully come back to the Beatles. John eventually had to give him an ultimatum. I think after the experience of Stuart and the Exis and the group bullying, I think that those months were John working his way back into Paul's good graces again. And eventually Paul forced John to prove that he still wanted Paul, in a way. Earlier when we talked about this Betty made a really good point that Paul was the one fighting for the music, like John was. Stuart met Astrid and John let him go because he knew Stuart was already choosing Astrid over him so it was better not to fight it. But that period after John came back... that's fascinating. John recuperated for a while by not telling anyone he had come back. Paul got a job (and it sounds like he didn't need a lot of pushing) and I think it was because he might have been preparing to leave the Beatles thing behind completely.

Like I think Paul came back to Liverpool thinking that he and John were not friends anymore. IMO Paul carried the memory of the experience with the Exis around and that he remained distant from them forever.

Funnily enough, Paul has turned out the real black sheep of the whole trip. Everybody hates him and I only feel sorry for him.” — Stuart Sutcliffe in a letter to Rod Murray, late 1960

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/07/2023 11:09 PM I mean look at that. Look at the sheer petty contempt in that quote + the caricature. That's something else man. There's no way Paul doesn't carry the memory of that with him. And I think its present in the Revolver cover as well. Look at how Klaus portrays Paul:

I think Paul looks off to the side because that's all Klaus really gets out of him. We all know what it's like to be treated in a crappy way by friends-of-your-friends and I've said before that I think the first Hamburg trip is where a lot of John and Paul's patterns got solidified. So Paul isn't friends with the Exis, even in 1966, because he remembers who Klaus is and who he hung out with and I think those memories are very painful for him. He holds on to them. Maybe not grudges but he holds onto that pain. (And I mean, that's fair. I still remember my elementary school bully and if she were on fire in front of me I wouldn't even take a whizz on her.)

Klaus only ever saw Paul's profile... if they don't meet your eyes do you really know them? John rarely met Yoko's eyes in public I notice, whereas he was constantly diving into Paul's.... right up until that photo from the Lost Weekend where he's turned as far away from Paul as he can get... So Paul's profile being the thing Klaus drew speaks to the distance between Paul and Klaus... and Paul and the other Beatles. Even among other misfits, Paul doesn't fit in. In a lot of ways Linda was the only one who could accept him for his true self even if there was a lot of nastiness underneath that.

I think the 1966 cover is indicative that Paul held Klaus at a distance, even then. Klaus saw Paul's loneliness in Hamburg and how this made him bitter, apparently doesn't empathize with it very much since he played on HDYS.

If Klaus had tried to make friends with Paul as adults, he would have run full into the Wall. There's no way that Paul McCartney would be friends with someone who drew a caricature of him like that when Paul was friendless and in pain and the only thing he had was music and girls.

And I understand that Hamburg was full of psychosexual drama from 18 and 20 year olds, but I think that its significant because of how Paul got frozen in time due to the fame thing, struggling to grow up, suffering from a kind of Peter Pan syndrome.

So I find it interesting that... Paul got a job after Hamburg. I don't think John would have had to show up with George on Paul's lunch break and essentially beg him to come back if Paul had been gung ho about the Beatles. John had to earn his way back into a friendship with Paul. It took months for Paul to give up the job and join the Beatles fully, John remembers it as a "long trip."

There's another recollection that when John finally gave Paul the ultimatum that Paul bounced into the Cavern -- what if this is Paul being happy that John chose him, that John cared enough to give Paul an ultimatum?

John remembers it as a custody battle between him and Jim where he fought Jim for Paul's attention... but what if Paul saw it as something else entirely?

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/07/2023 11:20 PM Like, Paul got a job after Hamburg. He didn't know that John was back in town. I don't think we know when John told him that he was back. I think Paul got a job because he thought that he and John were not friends anymore after his experiences in Hamburg and the last thing he expected was for John to show up and nag him about coming back. I think Paul was convinced that John would go all in with Stuart and the Exis or that they were a sign that John was done with Paul completely. He didn't understand that John was watching Paul the entire time they were in Hamburg, watching Paul be in the filth with him, taking the pills and dealing with the gangsters and living for the music in a way that Stuart never could.

And from Paul's POV, the long stretch of months between John finding him at the spooling yards to beg Paul to come back, and Paul being given an ultimatum that he needed to choose between his job or the Beatles -- I think that period was Paul waiting to see if John really loved him/was really wanting to be Paul's friend or not.

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 4:56 AM Paul doesnt suffer fools gladly, he called out the Exis on some of their bullshit and they didnt like it. They also took to Stuart and I would imagine it was a case of if your friend doesnt like someone then they dont either. Ive always felt that Klaus didnt like Paul, most of his drawings of him arent very nice, theres an odd one thats ok. That Revolver cover has always irked me with how hes drawn Paul compared to the others. I like your take on it.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:01 AM Do you remember the details on Paul's interactions with the Exis? I don't remember that from Tune In.

That's a really good point about Stu not liking him so the others took the lead from him, oof.

I think Klaus may have (hopefully) chilled out on Paul since then but yeah, I don't think they're really friendly towards each other. Maybe "dislike" is too strong but they only ever had John and Stu in common and, well. Paul never let Klaus in.

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 5:04 AM Ive read of it somewhere but cant remember where! It was just a sentence or two.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:04 AM Probably a Paul bio of which I am reading McCartney Legacy

we'll have to wait for Betty to wake up

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 5:45 AM I wonder, when Stuart left the Beatles, did Klaus hope to take his place on the bass. Paul stepping in would have been another reason to dislike him.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:47 AM That's an interesting idea. No clue but maybe that's an angle....

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 6:16 PM He did. I believe he says it in his memoirs, but also in an interview about the book in 2001. He said he asked John, but it was too late; Paul had already taken up the bass

Even if that had happened, I don’t think Klaus would’ve fit in, them all being from Liverpool and Klaus being German (I’m half-German, I can say that lol)

Plus he came from a very rich (diamond mines etc) background..sure, his family lost everything in the war, but some of the posh attitude was still there. And despite being fascinated by it, he didn’t consider rock n roll “real” music

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:19 PM did not know this about Klaus, huh

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 7:24 PM He talked about his grandfather being this fabulously rich eccentric

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:25 PM huh! i need to check his stuff out then

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 7:31 PM It’s in this German interview

https://www.sueddeutsche.de/kultur/im-interview-klaus-voormann-ich-waere-besser-gewesen-als-paul-1.432929

With the provocative headline “I would’ve been better than Paul”

Apple_Scruff — 05/08/2023 5:48 AM Paul playing based has always sounded like a forced thing out of desperation.

I doubt he would have agreed to switch to bass if Klaus was offering.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 5:51 AM Agree but....he may not have liked it if Klaus offered since he was so pushy about Stuart's playing.

BRrraCKets! — 05/08/2023 6:14 AM He didnt want anyone else muscling in. The group nucleus was set. His guitar was shot, he was filling in on piano, a bit of bass when S couldnt be arsed to show up, what else was he to do when G&J downright refused to take it on. Theyd gone home by then too.

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 7:50 AM unfortunately I can't think of anything like that in what I've read, I'll take a look at Tune In and the other Paul bios I have later We know that Paul is willing to ice people out when he feels they aren't working out for him as friends/collaborators, and after months of doing the most for the group and getting shat on by his songwriting partner and the Exis he was probably thinking "fuck it, I don't need this treatment" and got a job to start separating himself from the group

But John knows by now that Paul is his golden ticket and he has to get Paul back, so once he gets over the self-pity of leaving Hamburg in disgrace and works up the courage to ask Paul to come back, he brings George along to present a united front

The Beatles first show after coming back from Hamburg was on December 27 1960 at Litherland Town Hall, a few weeks after John arrived back in Liverpool

And I'd bet anything that Paul skipping back to rehearsal all smiles was because he felt like he'd gotten one over on Stuart and the Exis, in a "nyah-nyah he chose me over you (blows raspberries and making wanking motion)" kind of way

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 8:46 AM yesss perf

And it all worked out for him when John didn't discipline Paul for punching Stuart even tho he most likely lost

He had a good feeling about John making his choice too....

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:24 AM According to that interview from 2001, Klaus asked John to join and play bass right after Stu left, but John said Paul had already taken up the bass

Of course, in 2001, Klaus was still speculating what would have happened if he became the 5th Beatle and saying he thinks his bass playing would’ve been better for John’s style in later years

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:33 AM That whole interview [Klaus] showed both admiration and, imo, some disdain for Paul (and Paul wrote the foreword for his book, I believe) In that Interview he also vehemently denies anything sexual between John and Stu

It’s a fascinating period. I believe I read John was back in Liverpool anywhere from 10 days to three weeks before contacting George and Paul Which means he couldn’t have been to any of their usual hangouts

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 10:36 AM lol lmao

>better for John's later style >john and stu had nothing sexual going on incredible. so many things wrong

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:01 PM John periodically took time off to recharge, it was one of his quirks/needs.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:45 AM I thinks it’s still a bit of envy…everyone who got close to the Beatles and thinks “what if”

To be fair, he did admit that Paul was instrumental in making the Beatles famous, because “John wasn’t a frontman” and Paul was the only professional of the group

But you can read between the lines that there is disdain there for the Beatles’ early sound and Paul was a “charlatan”….the PR man

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:58 AM It’s interesting that John said the way he felt after he came back after Hamburg was similar to how he felt before Paris 1961…but time he wanted Paul to be there

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:09 PM and Paris 1961 ended up being a two week period of great renewal and joy for John, all because of Paul. No wonder he tried to recreate it with Yoko.

louiselux — 05/08/2023 11:41 AM It’s such a fascinating period! In the breakup Paul must’ve recognised some of John’s behaviour from back then. Dropping Paul and replacing him with someone else who is more arty and special. John may have been being tactical about it back then, maybe playing Paul and Stu against each other, waiting to see where the nexus of power/talent/ambition lay, and therefore his future. Paul wouldn’t have appreciated that at all, like who would? Also John must’ve known the power he had over Paul, and vice versa, in any number of ways inc sexuality, attraction, love, obsession. That cartoon by Klaus is so deeply unkind, coupled with Stu’s letter. You have to wonder what Paul was like with them, and what all of their behaviour was like on the daily.

louiselux — 05/08/2023 11:51 AM But it is so interesting that Paul got a crappy job on the lorries, John ignored them all for weeks, and Stu was never coming back to the band. Because the gig they subsequently did that Christmas at Litherland Town Hall was where they realised how good they were compared to the Liverpool bands, and how vastly exciting the public found them. So back from Hamburg they obviously collectively didn’t know where they were going or what they were doing, or even if they were a band. I wonder just how much persuasion had to go on on John’s part to get back in with Paul. A lot of charming, a lot of fuss and attention, persuading, light grovelling

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:18 PM in Tune In there's a lot of quotes from George about how they felt they had a lot of talent compared to the other bands, even when they were JaPaGe and they didn't actually warrant the confidence. I think for them they were seeking energy, technical ability, and stamina which Hamburg earned them in spades and brought their talent up to their expectations at last.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 11:57 AM Definitely shades of Yoko/John later on…Paul probably hoped/thought that would play out the same way as Stu.

But we also get so many contradictory stories out of Hamburg, like John claiming he and Paul bullied Stu and afterwards felt bad about it John turned away from music after Julia’s death and turned to drink and rage, it also kinda to Stu and art..only Paul’s persistence in pursuing John (for the band, for himself) turned that a bit back around.

I always wonder if at that point, John wasn’t getting from Paul what he really wanted, also there was still the age gap.. Stu was older, maybe came across as more mature and adventurous

Even George, I believe, said with Yoko, John was trying to replicate what he had with Stu.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:20 PM Yeah. its a conundrum about what that means. Did John actually feel bad after bullying Stu or did he only feel bad because then Stu died and he did some self reflecting?

Paul was very instrumental in helping John cope with losing Julia, to be fair. Paul is cited by many outsiders to be the only one who never lost his patience with John even when he was being a public embarrassment or acting violent and cruel. my personal take is that Paul is the one who cleaned John up and made him fit company for Stu and Cynthia and otherwise they would have both run away from John..

louiselux — 05/08/2023 12:01 PM That is completely fascinating to think of Yoko as a Stu replacement.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 12:03 PM Yoko’s comments how John talked about Stu every day and how he was the best friend he ever had…I always thought she did that hurt Paul. And also, Stu died so young, I can believe John put him up on some untouchable pedestal that wouldn’t have survived if Stu had lived

louiselux — 05/08/2023 12:04 PM Agreed. You have to wonder what Lennon/McCartney would have been like with a Sutcliffe in the mix. Maybe not that different, possibly. Because Paul grew in confidence and became endlessly bold and weird

louiselux — 05/08/2023 12:08 PM Yoko likely said a lot of things with the intention of hurting him

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:08 PM A lot of people who were John-oriented have this complaint, that they think Paul was somehow "fake" just because he's good at selling and connects with an audience. IMO it always says a lot more about the complainer's personal issues with Paul rather than it being a legitimate criticism. Klaus doesn't like Paul because Paul cut the Exis down to size and Stuart apparently overtly hated him, then Stuart died and Paul took over the bass position which Klaus apparently asked for himself (‼️) and then Paul had the nerve to go swanning all over the world getting famous for being John's creative partner.... and no matter what Klaus says, he has eyes, he knows how John looked at Paul and what that meant.

It's just another case of someone being bitter because of Paul's success. John used Klaus as a bassman on HDYS the recording that Ringo walked out on but George did not.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:16 PM It being John looking for a potential future, that's an interesting idea. I think at that point John had kind of given up on that since he had been kicked out of art school by that point or was on his way to doing it. Music became his life because it kept his attention and he loved it -- he told a girl he was dating at the Cavern not to screw up her placement at art school the way he did. I don't know if he had high expectations for himself there -- what did John think of his heart? was he actually proud of it?

Paul said that he'd sometimes gang up on Stu with John as well as vice versa so I think it was definitely a case of John pitting them against each other to make them compete for the Best Friend spot. But then when Paul was deported he got a job instead of crawling back to John.... very reminiscent of the break up. Paul would fight for John but once he perceived he lost (Stu, Yoko) then he was perfectly capable of cutting John off. Paul is sensitive to being mistreated.

this is all speculation but I think that first trip was hard for Paul. He was lonely, he wanted John's attention, probably acted out and then got mocked and jeered at for it.

So he paid women to pay attention to him and then he was attractive and treated them decently which made him popular so while John is enjoying Stu's company and hanging out with the Exis, Paul simply hides in women and practices his guitar.

We have seen this before.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 12:21 PM John wanted an equal and Paul just wasn't it, even if they had chemistry. John didn't take Paul seriously until Hamburg in 1960 when he watched Paul become a man and watched him be furiously independent no matter what slings and arrows he took.

But Stu was patient and was able to meet John on a different field with Art, and John needed that very much. Paul was too young for what he wanted in a very real way.

with a Stuart that lived, I think Paul would have been pushed to make a public declaration to John instead of waffling forever. Stu was Paul's only serious competition.

louiselux — 05/08/2023 1:31 PM I think so too! Something would have had to give, because John could have gone running off to Stu at any moment

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 1:33 PM I do wonder about that scenario. It looked like John had accepted that Stu was off with Astrid. And the Paris honeymoon happened while Stu was still alive. It seems like J and P had cemented and defined their relationship

Now if Stu and Astrid didn’t last and Stu came back to Liverpool at some point…

He may have always been hanging around in the background…or maybe not.

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 2:04 PM John praising Paul's abilities as a bass player in 1980 must have rankled him lol, he said Paul was one of the most innovative bass players in rock

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 2:27 PM addendum: The Beatles with Chas Newby on bass played the Casbah on December 17 1960, we regret the error

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 2:36 PM Good! I hope it rankled

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 3:35 PM Stu had no future in Liverpool and he knew it. His application for a position at the Liverpool art college was rejected and he had a great apprenticeship going with an older German artist who recognized his talent. Stuart had no reason to back to Liverpool except to visit. I also think that Stu found his person in Astrid and their relationship would have worked.

I think the greatest threat to Paul would not be Stu's presence but what he represented in John's life: a peer who had a profound hold on John in an avenue that Paul wasn't confident about competing in. I think Paul would be very worried about John going back to Stu for sure, because he can't help being insecure about their relationship.

I think, to this day even since John is fucking dead, Paul is still worried that he will make John disgusted or bored and that John will leave him again. Irrational? Yeah. True? You bet.

I think a timeline where Stuart lives would force Paul into a corner: either he breaks the relationship or he takes a leap of faith.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 4:01 PM if anything else, this fundamental fear of Paul's would be the driver to any action Paul took regarding John in a timeline where Stuart lives. The deathly fear that Stu will take John away from him, again... Stu didn't have to be present in Liverpool, his specter would hang over everything.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 4:25 PM I can completely see that. And totally agree on Paul’s fears until this day.

I just wonder if Stu would’ve kept this idealised spot… or if he would’ve pissed John off some point like a lot of people did, which led John to cutting him off.

Or, I guess, John could’ve remained loyal to him like he did to many old friends (at least until New York) and maybe got him to do cover or promo art for The Beatles. Can you imagine?!

Stu was so very young; it’s difficult to say what could’ve happened

Misery — 05/08/2023 4:30 PM God and the thing with Paul in Hamburg too is like

Here’s this high strung cash strapped teenager. Now we’re going to take him to a foreign country, get him addicted to amphetamines, and completely abandon him for a “cooler” friend group. Wait, why is he being so annoying?????

Like, the exis loved George, and Pete was just doing his own thing because he was so independent from the rest of the group, meanwhile Paul is all of a sudden entirely friendless for seemingly no reason, and the things that he was doing back in Liverpool are suddenly seen as annoying and stupid, and he’s being ignored left and right.

And obviously the huge caveat for the drama in Hamburg is of course that they were all idiot teens/barely adults, who had suddenly been thrust into a new stressful circumstance, so no wonder they all went insane a little bit.

Like you’ve all said it’s something that time/stu living would change a lot, but that wasn’t meant to be

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 6:24 PM I really feel for Paul during that trip. I think we can kinda guess what he was feeling, but I can’t get a real read on John at the time.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:24 PM Yeah, John is a real enigma here. He was very close mouthed about this period aside from some little things. Presumably because it's too painful with Stuart's death. Or maybe he just didn't care because the whole thing didn't have the same weight for him as it did for Paul... or he was too ashamed to talk about it....

But John not caring seems very unlikely since Hamburg 1960 is where he came out even more insane about Paul.

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 7:33 PM It might’ve been the drugs, his sexual explorations, mental health issues..but it is interesting he didn’t really talk about that period… Maybe too painful because it was the real start of them as The Beatles and he really missed it

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 7:38 PM ouch

this is a big part of it i bet

mynamesbetty — 05/08/2023 8:04 PM Tune In, written by the king of the Paul haters, pg 374-5

Many Years From Now, pg 64-5

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 8:06 PM the amount of seething contempt for a lonely 18 year old in these paragraphs, astounding

Morrigan — 05/08/2023 10:26 PM And I don’t think we can 100% trust Stu’s view of things either. That’s maybe how he wanted things to be. I’m not saying Paul didn’t have a rough time, but Stu may have embellished somewhat in that letter (because he also knew how important Paul was to John ultimately)

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/08/2023 10:54 PM Yeah. It occurs to me (like now, as I'm writing this) that Stuart was probably venting in that letter. I don't think he liked Paul at all but that's a lot of hatefulness in one sentence and I really dislike the idea of John deliberately tolerating someone who overtly despised Paul that much. John was an asshole at times but I struggle to imagine him encouraging that level of antipathy. So hopefully it wasn't quite that bad for Paul.

louiselux — 05/09/2023 3:12 AM Also him thinking that a letter from anyone reveals ‘the stark truth of the matter’ rather than just another pov on a situation. Mehhhh. I didn’t know that about Klaus asking to be the bass player. He seems to be a person who was used to getting what he wanted, being rich and pretty, and is it possible that he resented Paul for taking a place in the Beatles/John’s friendship that he thought should have been his?

louiselux — 05/09/2023 3:26 AM The situation is weird and so opaque. I doubt John ‘hated’ Paul, as Stu put it, because why would he suddenly hate him after being so close? But John might’ve loved being accepted as a part of the new exciting clique and that might’ve trumped everything else for a bit. John was obsessed with having his gang. It feels like a lot of heightened teenage dynamics we’re going on.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:23 AM thinking that the letter holds some objective truth is a classic mistake that Lewisohn makes all the time, because its easier than accepting that there were multiple POVs on what happened. Lewisohn thinks he can flatten everything and that there's an objective "truth" to discover and present (courtesy of him naturally.) It's just dumb no matter what. One of the first things I was taught about historical study was that primary sources are king because multiple POVs proliferate. It was Paul who compared Beatlemania to an earthquake and how different stories sprout from it and they're all true.

I wonder how much Klaus was shitposting or trying to grab attention via headlines with claims like that. I would be very surprised if John gave serious consideration to Klaus joining the band, Paul was already a sure thing and he clearly wasn't going to be happy with anyone else playing bass. I hope Klaus didn't actually think he had a shot, it just makes no sense for Klaus to join the Beatles from any angle.

If he really believed that he had a shot at joining the Beatles and Paul somehow stood in his way.... then uhhhh what the heck lmao

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:34 AM This seems very likely, good insight. Makes me wonder if John staying friends with Paul might have rankled Stu as their rivalry increased? "Don't worry Rod everyone else totally hates him here but I only feel sorry for him."

John liked new experiences and getting swept away with things so its not surprising that he got enamored with the Exis. They were arty, new, and offered a fresh POV for him to see the world. Anyone would be intrigued by such a friends group. The fact that they were happy to be dominated by John and enjoyed Stuart (especially since Stu and Astrid hit it off!) probably makes it inevitable that someone would end up on the outside and that someone was Paul.

1960 John especially would be feeling his adolescent insecurities very hard so he'd naturally want the Exis as under his thumb as he could get them. I wonder if Stuart also enjoyed being controlled that way? I don't actually know how independent he was of John compared to Paul. (Tho no one ever matched Paul in sheer tenaciousness when it came to escaping John's gravity well.)

The pills, alcohol, and sleeplessness would naturally exacerbate all this.

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 10:49 AM Maybe I’m being too judgmental when it comes to Klaus; it’s hard to judge his tone in written form. Maybe he sounded self-deprecating when answering, but I was surprised that 40 years on (at the time), instead of just saying “it’s tantalising to imagine me being part of the Beatles, but nah they were perfect they way they were and I’ve my own life”…he actually still brings up how his bass playing could’ve maybe been better for the band at some point.

To be fair, he also says Beatlemania wouldn’t have happened without Paul (his looks, his professionalism) , and that Klaus himself maybe wouldn’t have had the necessary charisma

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 10:53 AM Totally agree with this. It was a wild few months; them also being away from home for the first time as well (and in a very strange environment). So many outsiders have described the bond they had before Hamburg, how Paul seemed to make John come alive etc; they already had a solid foundation. I don’t think anyone could’ve muscled in there permanently

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 12:29 PM We don't know much about him so its hard not to give him side eye sometimes lol. Ultimately Klaus seems grateful for what the Beatles did for him and how he got to have a place in history thanks to them. I wouldn't necessarily label him negatively since he seems content with his lot and has gotten to make a lot of great art over the years. He likes his niche.

Otoh its still really weird that he's apparently still maintaining a delusion about being a potential Beatle. IMO it once again says more about his relationship with Paul than anything else. Paul is the bedrock of the band and without him, there are no Beatles. Lots of people resent him for this, even other Beatles. I would bet Klaus, like many, is pulled in by John's charisma, values George as a friend, and resents/resented the fact that he couldn't get closer to them because Paul filled that space. "If I was in his place then I could be with George and John all the time and we'd be even better friends. What's so special about Paul's bass playing anyway? I'm just as good." That's the kind of resentment that sticks with you when you have famous friends i guess.

But it also misses the point and the importance of Paul: Paul's bass playing was creative and innovative. He brought new sounds into the band. He also had the energy to get them over their creative humps to deliver material for new records and consistently hit their deadlines. Paul wasn't just "the bassplayer." He was John's everything, the one who delivered results, and the one who made the records work for the Beatles. If Klaus was really as good as he thinks he is then John would have made him a fixture during the solo years. But John didn't do that because Klaus is no match for Paul's ability to consistently deliver results.

I suspect Klaus knows this or he wouldn't admit to Paul's success like that. But its probably very hard to be close to the Beatles because you would naturally want a piece of it.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 12:32 PM

So many outsiders have described the bond they had before Hamburg, how Paul seemed to make John come alive etc; they already had a solid foundation. I don’t think anyone could’ve muscled in there permanently

An extremely vital point and probably the ultimate root of the resentment surrounding Paul during that time (or any other time). No matter what they did or where they took him, John still wanted to return to Paul.

There is something special and unique about Paul that had John loving him deeply and to the exclusion of others. Even back then.

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 2:00 PM I'd just like to add that re: drugs, Paul was wary of the Prellies and usually stuck to one a night, where John was eating them like candy Paul had already shown reticence towards drugs when he refused to partake of chewing the benzedrine cartridges inside nasal sprays back in Liverpool, so that's another aspect of the "Paul's not as cool and worldly as the rest of us" ganging up on him

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 3:04 PM And then that of course carried over to Paul not wanting to try acid at first

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 3:04 PM Yeah... so Paul was often on the outside that way too

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 3:07 PM I wonder if John saw that as Paul keeping a part of himself back; of not totally committing so they could share everything together

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 3:13 PM That's a big part of it. Tune In says John habitually used Prellies to try to get people to talk to him, he used it as a tool to get people to open up. So Paul dragging his heels and only doing it when he felt like it would be infuriating (and enchanting) to John because Paul was refusing to submit to John's direction and control. Paul could skate on the edges of John's gravity well and refused to get closer until he decided to.

It also may be that John was anxious about doing these things without Paul. He wanted Paul to mirror him very early and Paul's refusal to do so fascinated him especially for those moments where Paul did eventually cave and the mirroring turned out fantastic -- it made the victories sweeter. Pete Shotton said John needed a partner in everything he did, even when he was a little kid, so it was a genuine need in him to want someone like Paul.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 3:21 PM Makes me wonder how palpable John's attraction to Paul must have been -- even if he didn't fully realize it in Hamburg yet. I fully believe that there is some watershed moment we don't know about for John realizing how deep his attraction to Paul ran.

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 3:33 PM He said he chose Paul as his partner (in music), but we know it was so much more than that. At some point he realised, ‘this is the one’. If only he’d gotten to write his memoirs…. 😢

BRrraCKets! — 05/09/2023 4:00 PM I wonder if his attraction scared him a little and that’s why he backed right off in that first Hamburg trip.

He had plenty to distract him.

When Paul was deported, John was left behind. He could easily have stayed and pursued something there and kept near Stuart, but he didnt. He went back to Liverpool. Brooded on it for a while, then pursued Paul to get back with him.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:06 PM I never thought of the possibility of him staying behind with Stu but you're right! oh wow

BRrraCKets! — 05/09/2023 4:06 PM I think that’s when he decided Paul was it for him.

He could have looked at picking up his art again, like Stu did, or music in another band. His heart must have decided on music, but music meant Paul.

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:12 PM oh my god!!!! :sobface:

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:13 PM And also the trauma of Paul being deported... Klaus has a drawing of Paul and Pete being shoved into a cop car, I wonder if John was there if it happened like that with Paul and Pete being taken off the street

Like for John that's another loss but instead of Paul abandoning him that's someone taking Paul away from him

And so he goes home later that week.... and he stays shut up in his room for days... and when he emerges he gets George and goes straight to Paul.....

BRrraCKets! — 05/09/2023 4:15 PM He can’t do it without Paul.

Hahaha in a roundabout way, Paul made John choose between him and Stu, and Paul won!

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 4:17 PM After all that mess, John really did have a shot to choose Stuart and do art forever, hang out in Hamburg and never go back. Stuart evaded deportation by living in Astrid's house, John could do the same. But John played a few nights alone and then took all the gear back by himself

and then he chose Paul while he was convalescing in his bedroom....

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 5:10 PM I do think that was definitely part of it… but I don’t think it would’ve been that easy for him to stay had he wanted to… Stu was different because he’d already started establishing himself there outside of the band (and he had Astrid and her family, who couldn’t be expected to take on John as well).

John had no money. I believe he continued playing with other bands only to fulfil contractual obligations (?). And he said he was depressed after Hamburg, thinking this was maybe as far as music could take them… to seedy bars in a red light district. Coming back to Liverpool, I wonder what his thought process and state of relationship with Paul was like.

Now in 1961, when he again faces a crisis regarding continuing with music, he obviously chooses Paul…even without the music. Even though they were making decent-ish money in Liverpool by then, John was fed up and wanted to run away (at least for a bit).

I know people say he didn’t take Cyn to Paris because she was busy with school and unmarried couples didn’t really travel together, but I think it was more than that. He’d decided it was going to be him and Paul… in any potential endeavour, even if it wasn’t a band. That carries on through to their later ideas of writing a play, a musical together; and just always writing together

That said, I don’t think he actually wanted to stay in Hamburg

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 5:59 PM Yeah, John stayed in Hamburg for the contractual stuff. Considering its a port town it would have been easy for him to stay IMO but who knows. I think it does indicate that staying with Stuart didn't cross his mind; if it had and if John had really wanted it, he could have found a way. The fact that he didn't and instinctively went home (to the place where Paul had been forced to go) indicates just how strong Paul's hold on him was, despite John not knowing what he was going to do next.

The depression is just John's pattern I think. He had tall highs and deep lows. John coming back from Hamburg reminds me of reading descriptions of his return home from their tours and how inaccessible he was to Cynthia and Julian because of his profound depression. Hamburg was absolutely similar -- women, booze, pep pills to keep them awake and then it ended traumatically leaving John in a very bleak place. The physical low from coming off all those prellies would be crazy and John was addicted. He may have been going through detox which would destabilize his mental scape. The same thing happened with the tours and the amount of drugs they were doing, particularly the coke, which meant that John crashed after each tour because he stopped inhaling all those drugs.

We can only speculate about his thought process post-Hamburg but John repeated patterns, that was his entire thing. I think looking at the Dakota years could tell us a lot, albeit with the caveat that John hadn't done any "splitting" regarding Paul yet. He probably felt bleak, wondering if there was a point in continuing. He knew there was more pain ahead of him if he continued with the Beatles. John knew they were good and probably realized they were better than their peers but maybe he realized that he might have bungled things with Paul. He's watching the wheels.... Then he ran into George on the street iirc and that's when things solidified for him: he needed music and that meant he needed Paul.

So he takes George with him because he needs the support and doesn't want to appear vulnerable in front of someone he probably knows he wasn't kind to. And Paul holds him at arms length for a while but John is persistent and finally tells Paul that he's not going to settle for being half time anymore, Paul needs to commit to him.

When it comes to Paris and such: Paul, for John, represents renewal and possibility. He renewed after Hamburg in 1960 and sought out Paul for it. He renewed in 1961 and they went on their honeymoon in Paris. In 1980, John was preparing to record with Paul and was actively leaving Yoko.

John's mental aesthetic regarding Paul always contained admiration (and sometimes resentment) for Paul's endless energy and his ability to createcreatecreate. That's an energy that John relied on. He used it emotionally as well as musically.

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 7:57 PM and on the flip side we have John unfairly blaming Paul for John's inability to write by accusing Paul of bouncing along and writing like a fiend without thinking about how John was feeling, in the "I was going through murder" period

...and then, much later, John hears "Coming Up" on the radio and something long dormant sparks up inside him

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:33 PM I'm soo late to this conversation but I love it! I wanna add my favourite Hamburg era tidbit that's hidden away in a footnote in Tune In, because I think it's really interesting to compare the aftermath of the 1960 first Hamburg trip with the 1961 Hamburg trip. TL;DR Paris was not the only time John and Paul ran away holidayed together in 1961

we all know John and Paul went to visit Betty and Mike in Caversham in April 1960, but Paul has stated multiple times that they took two trips to visit his cousin, the second one travelling down to Ryde on the Isle of Wight. But when did they take this trip? It's referenced in MYFN but no timeframe is given.

Mark Lewisohn proposes that the only obvious window is July 1961, directly after they arrived home from Hamburg - they had nine days off before they were back onstage in Liverpool on July 13. You'd think they would have spent this time kicking back at home after three months away, catching up w/ family and friends.......... but if that were the case, Lewisohn says, why didn't they attend Ringo's massive 21st birthday bash on July 8th?? All the biggest bands in Liverpool were invited, but the Beatles were conspicuously absent.

so if Lewisohn's hunch is correct and they swanned off to Ryde right after they just dragged their exhausted asses back from Hamburg, the implications of that are 👀 !!! bc that means Paul's behaviour towards John was sooo markedly different compared to the previous trip. Paul resigned himself to a shitty factory job in 1960, John had to win Paul back and prove himself to him, the band's future was in limbo..... but HERE, to me it's like 1961 Paul is staking his claim. By immediately taking John on a quick holiday to Ryde, he's actively preventing another post-Hamburg comedown and securing them some 1-on-1 time to re-cement their partnership

especially considering that Paul's tension with Stuart was arguably at an all-time high in 1961 -- they had their fight near the end of that trip, Dot and Cynthia came to visit but John & Cyn actually spent more time with Astrid & Stuart than with Paul..... I can just so see Paul being like :paulbuthehasagun: oh you like the beach John? you went to the beach with stuart? Come to this picturesque coastal town with me right the fuck now you're gonna love it

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:46 PM Veggie I love this connection. you're brilliant

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 9:47 PM get your man Paul!!

interesting that Paul made the first move here

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:48 PM

feral for this

YES.... after all that fuss in Hamburg they came back and Paul pushed John up against a wall and said "you're coming with me now" and john just went "o-okay"

Paul resigned himself to a shitty factory job in 1960, John had to win Paul back and prove himself to him, the band's future was in limbo..... but HERE, to me it's like 1961 Paul is staking his claim. By immediately taking John on a quick holiday to Ryde, he's actively preventing another post-Hamburg comedown and securing them some 1-on-1 time to re-cement their partnership

yes!!! he learned from 1960, he didn't give John a chance to get down in the dumps! he said "let's go on an adventure John!" and he just took him reminding John that this isn't like last time. in short Paul broke the pattern

I can just so see Paul being like :paulbuthehasagun: oh you like the beach John? you went to the beach with stuart? Come to this picturesque coastal town with me right the fuck now you're gonna love it

the jealousy angle at work here. oh my god

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 9:51 PM as long as they keep moving John can't sink into a funk which may have further implications re: Paul's work ethic

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:51 PM aieeee I'm obsessed w/ it

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:51 PM Veggie you're a genius

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:52 PM john's in a depression? let's do something and distract him from it... 1960? on the rocks, worry and frustration. 1961? "dis mine dis MINE"

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:54 PM while they seemed to make a lot of progress in Hamburg RE: trading up to better and better clubs, it really stood out to me in Tune In that after their 2nd trip they just returned to the same old in Liverpool, again - same circuit of halls and clubs, no one on their level, no upward momentum until Brian in November. So I love how John and Paul dealt with this by repeatedly skipping out on commitments when they got bored and goin on trips together

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 9:54 PM yeah! they decided it wasn't worth their time so they bolted

and they were right too lmao

they wanted to be together instead of playing the same circuit over and over...

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:56 PM and then Stuart's writing letters like "they quit the band and went to Paris to play together? I don't believe it..."

Paul's like "you'd bETTER BELIEVE IT BUDDY"

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 9:58 PM Wasn’t it said that Ticket to Ride was inspired by Ryde?

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:59 PM yes fs, I think Paul restates this in The Lyrics again too? don't have it in front of me, but yes

VeggieRavioli — 05/09/2023 9:58 PM Oh I thought we’d shared that quote here already but no it’s legit

Leggy「little love of mine」 — 05/09/2023 10:00 PM this is the possessive Paul we need

mynamesbetty — 05/09/2023 10:10 PM Paul stomps in like "he's my soulmate, get your own!" and whisks John off on a road trip

Apple_Scruff — 05/09/2023 10:11 PM Stuart literally having his own soulmate Astrid the whole time: confused

Morrigan — 05/09/2023 10:44 PM People have to had seen the special connection between them…John wasn’t going on trips to Ryde or Paris or Caversham with just George

louiselux — 05/10/2023 3:25 AM So fascinating and such great detective work! I wonder too if Paul thought he might be detoxing John, or whether they both had that in mind? Sun, sea, fresh air, no amphetamines etc, just wholesome British beer lol.

louiselux — 05/10/2023 7:06 AM There's just something so innocent about Paul taking him on a seaside holiday, compared to what they had just been doing in Hamburg, it's so sweetly unsophisticated.

I've been to Ryde. The whole of the Isle of Wight, where Ryde is the main town, is just off mainland UK and it feels stuck about 30 years in the past, so Ryde in the early 60s might've felt very old fashioned indeed.

#mclennon #hamburg #hamburg days #the beatles #stuart sutcliffe #beatles meta #my meta #john lennon #paul mccartney #mclennon server

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httpiastri · 7 months ago

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im the BIGGEST mclaren fan and oscar fan in the world ever and i dont even have the energy to celebrate oscar's first win (yes bc of the fucked up way mclaren did it but wtv not getting into that) bc of how devastated i am about paul. i just want to give him the biggest hug in the world and tell him its ok and that we all still love him. i hope he knows how much support he has and that making mistakes is ok, its only his rookie season no one expects him to be schumacher or senna or whoever, we just want you to be a happy paul aron :(

seeing him banging his head and looking out into the distance after the crash omfg i will jump off a cliff i swear. hes so hard on himself and i was legit sobbing thinking about how much harder he is on himself (probably) this year after what happened w merc and prema. he deserves so much more omg. the fact that kimi ended up winning the race just made me think of the lacy edits too and omfg i cannot. i love kimi dont get me wrong but what are the chances that paul's win became kimi's instead? i js cant.

and dont get me started on that fucking penalty. he already dnf'd i don't understand the point of them punishing him any further did u not see how mad he was at himself?? fuck you fia fuck. you. cz WHY WHAT WAS THE REASON??? i feel like ive never seen them do that to a driver, usually they cause a collision and dnf they just get time penalties but a TEN PLACE GRID PENALTY?? FOR THE NEXT RACE?? THIS LATE IN THE SEASON?? it just seems SO unfair and so harsh. not agreeing w the grid penalties at all esp when the driver alr suffered from their mistakes but the crash w maloney fine i can kind of understand, but ollie's? sorry but i didnt even see them crash that hard? (or was i half asleep? idk i js literally do not remember seeing it) seriously tho wtf.

i hope his friends, family and team gave him the biggest hug ever. he'll come back stronger ik it! we'll get thru this u guys:(

paul nation family group hug 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

-🧸

this is very valid :(( it wouldve been easier to celebrate if it had been better with the team and whatever, but now it was so easily overshadowed by everything that happened in f2 and i just 😶

to me, most of my pain is based on (just like u said) the fact that i think he's hard on himself, and wants to prove so much after everything that has happened. i just hope he sees the reality; that he's doing super well, in his rookie season nonetheless, and we're all so proud of him. mistakes is okay, shit happens, even max verstappen made a bunch of mistakes yesterday!!

i didnt wanna look at the clips of him in the car nor hear his radio (ive seen the screenshot of him admitting that it was his fault tho) and i saw the clip of him after getting out of the car and i just...... nope. and esp w kimi winning aaaa it made me so happy but-

god i dont understand the penalties like. yes he made a mistake but zane was also going very very slow (on the slower tyres also) so it was hard for him to tell what zane was going to do. like these things happen within even a fraction of a second and you need to trust your instinct and sometimes it doesn't work out? like obvs i cant compare it to any personal experiences in racing but in my own sport i know the feeling of getting a bad pass etc, and something tiny can mess up the entire timing and feeling and everything? so zane just going slower makes a lot of difference :// it's not common that they do this but ive seen it sometimes but this is just so.... gAH!! esp with the thing with ollie because they didn't even show it, so it can't have been THAT important, right?? so stupid

pls everyone gather around for a group hug! with paul in the middle bcs he deserves all of the love!!!!!!! <3<3<3

(oh and just so you know. "we just want you to be a happy paul aron :("........... you actually broke me with that one, i hope you're happy that im crying bcs of you 😭)

#paulie #baby #i miss him already #asks!#anon!#teddybear anon!#🧸!

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wavesoutbeingtossed · 8 months ago

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bestie how was your show?!!!? You went to france, yeah??

Omg this is the first time I’ve scrolled tumblr longer than two minutes in weeks 😂

My show was AMAZING! Incredible, awesome, awe-inspiring, life-changing, etc. Seeing it live is just such a wonder to behold. My three friends who went with me are not Swifties and two of them said it might have been the best concert they ever went to and one of those said she might have been converted to being a pit-lover like I am. (The other powered through it like a champ 😂 but she was also the one who asked if she could go with me so she knew what she was signing up for 😂)

I meant to do a recap after the show if only to preserve my own memories, but I’ve visited like five other cities since then so I haven’t had time to stop and breathe let alone collect my thoughts! And I’m still not done lol. It’s been a busy few weeks!

I will say though, the stadium security situation did leave a really sour taste in my mouth and is a big reason friend number 3 I think didn’t enjoy it all that much. Not enough to affect my experience of the show itself, because it was incredible, but everything outside of it was total garbage. It was the worst organization experience I’ve ever seen (and I’m including major outdoor festivals and sports events in that!) and wildly unsafe. I’m honestly surprised nobody got seriously injured. It was chaos. (Like, fans lining up were getting info from other fans and not from stadium staff… I had to act as translator between a Brit and a French person at one point when people were trying to figure out what was going on with our line. An actual fight nearly broke out next to me between two people because there was line cutting because nobody knew what was going on. Eventually the crowd actually stampeded the gate and we got pushed with them. With zero staff around. And that was just before the show.)

For a venue that I understand is hosting some Olympic events in a few weeks I’m… skeptical of their ability to handle crowds lol. (And I’m saying this as someone who HAS attended Olympic events in the past!!! 😂) and there is no reason it should be that bad!!! It’s a relatively new stadium with wide concourses and a transit station at the foot of the door but it was just so poorly done and absolutely zero communication from staff. I could go into detail but nobody would really care, but suffice to say, I understand why Taylor is so vigilant on stage.

(I will say *inside* the venue seemed fine, though again zero presence of staff. Like nobody in the pit got crushed. Taylor did pipe in a few times for help but couldn’t see anything serious. It was the outside concourse and exits and crowd control before and after the show that were unmanageable and dangerous.)

Hopefully once I’m home I can better communicate how the show itself was, but one thing I couldn’t get over is how Taylor works the crowd. I was in the pit (I know it’s not everyone’s favourite but I LOVE attending concerts in the pit because I love how immersive it is) and probably at least 20 people deep away from the stage, and even though I know Taylor couldn’t see me, it feels like she’s looking right at you. She makes a stadium full of 60k people feel like you’re in an intimate coffee house setting at times. Yet at others you’re aware that you are in the presence of a superstar. When you’re in a stadium before showtime the stage seems so small compared to the scale of the venue, but she comes on and commands the entirety of it. It’s WILD.

Also, the production as a whole is amazing. The band and the dancers stand out so much. I saw Jan working the room and winking at someone in front of me. I saw the Starlights doing their thing. I caught sight of Paul jamming. It’s a whole damn thing.

I’m pretty sure I got one of your favourite songs as one of my surprise songs too 😂 never mind I was wrong for some reason I thought it was Run but it was Everything Has Changed oops 😂

I can’t pick a favourite moment because the whole thing was incredible. But TTPD goes super fucking hard live omg.

So maybe this is a recap after all! 😂 tl;dr Eras is amazing and absolutely worth the trouble of getting to… but I’m not sure I’d attend another show at this venue lol. (I’d happily return to Lyon as a city though!) Taylor really is in a league of her own and anyone who thinks she’s “mid” has never seen her spin her magic in person because there’s no way to deny her showmanship when she’s right in front of you.

#thanks bestie!#my show!#lyon n2 #I’m still living my best hot girl summer life right now so time is not real #I have no idea what time or day it is and am scheming to never go home lmao #also if I’ve missed any messages or asks or anything I’m sorry I’ll catch up when I get home sometime lmao

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8aji · 2 years ago

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Do you any books recommendation??⁉️

OKAY SO !! i gotta start by saying that i havent read many books and thats one of the reasons i didnt respond to this ask aside from me taking a break i was a lil embarrassed ngl BUT my response is finally here and i hope you enjoy my rant/rec list !!

all quiet on the western front - erich maria remarque

when i tell you this book destroyed the view i had of life and then built it back again...im not exaggerating. its so beautifully written, and the characterization is wonderful. the narration felt very personal to me, like the story was a little secret between me and paul (the main character), and i don't think it was bc it was written in 1st person pov. ofc im sure it influenced my perception of the story, but the language that was used and constant contradictions and the way paul would go on long, eloquently put together, tangents about his thoughts and emotions and opinions to then disregard everything he said with a sudden wave of doubt and hopelessness — i think it made him very human. i felt very connected to his character, and i do think it was bc i had grown fond of the version i saw of him in the 2022 film (which has nothing on the book, can't even compare em really), the already preexisting feeling was only amplified by the narration and the intricate sentences AND AND i saw my own writing be reflected on the book — for instance, i noticed there were very long long sentences, which is something i rlly like doing. all in all, it showcases the ww1 soldier experience very crudely, in a very beautifully sad way; you can feel remarque's pain and anger in every sentence — his opinion about the war and its futility are very clear, and it honestly makes the book a 100 times better. though i do think my opinion is VERY biased when it comes to this book so please do take it with a grain or a spoonful really of salt

everything i never told you - celeste ng

i read this book a while ago, but even so it remains as one of my top 3 i dont read a lot bear with me TT the book has a very catchy opening line, which instantly had me hooked — it narrates the story of a mixed-race, chinese-american family in the 70s and how they navigate the disappearance of their daughter. i think the book does an amazing job at juggling multiple povs without neglecting any character. it develops each individual storyline very well and the way it delves into the internal conflicts and psyche of each character is just 10/10

little fires everywhere - celeste ng

i gotta be honest, this book didnt "hook" me as much as the other two did, but i still think it was very good and definitely worth a read. i think celeste ng has the tendency to start her books very actively? what i mean with this is that she opens up the story with a very shocking fact or occurrence (?) and then ties everything back to the beginning — almost as if she started writing the story backwards. i think that's really cool, bc even though we as the reader know the "climatic" event, we dont exactly know what happened and are left at the edge of our seats wondering what exactly went down for this to happen, ya know?

the metamorphosis - franz kafka

now, this is also me being biased bc i have the biggest and greatest, most softest spot for kafka and this book. in short, and i mean in very short, the story's about a man who suddenly turns into a bug — the beauty of simplicity in summaries. i read it when i was 16 in literature class and i was absolutely smitten with the story the main character...i really wanted to fix him, kay?? at the time i wasn't at my bestest in terms of mental stability, so im sure that influenced my love and understanding for the book, but analysing it in class and delving into the context behind the book and the author, and interpreting it from my own pov just sigh it was so good.

like water for chocolate - laura esquivel

FUCK i can't express how fun this book is. its a romance book, and also a perfect example of magical realism. AND IT DOES IT THROUGH FOOD !! tita (the main character) has a very deep bond with cooking, and because of this, the food she makes is a direct reflection of the emotional state she was in while she did so — cook the food that is. and, if im not mistaken bc i also read this book when i was 16, each chapter starts with the recipe that tita will prepare — i loved that detailed so much because i love cooking as well, tho i prefer baking. and though it is technically a tragic-romance novel, it is very lighthearted (and i mean this in the bestest way possible) and very funny imo. i would recommend it to anyone in the blink of an eye.

#one (1) new message 💌#always yours; anon.#again #im so so sorry for taking so long to respond #this ask meant a lot to me #i went over my response multiple times in my head bc i was very excited to answer but i was also a little burned out #thank you for giving me the chance to share some of the books i love :D #if you ever read any of these be sure to let me know !!#id love to know your thoughts

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xtrablak674 · 4 months ago

Text

[Live Journal entry from Saturday August 23rd, 2003 mildly edited for clarity]

2:23 pm - bully - part 01

bully

n. pl. bullies

1. A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.

v. bullied, bullying, bullies

v. tr.

To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. See Synonyms at intimidate.

To make (one's way) aggressively.

The primary definition of bully I am not. Unless you perceive yourself as "weaker" then me. The second "to make one's way aggressively" I am. I will not passively sit around and let something or someone make decisions for me, I will get up and do my thing.

I know I am violating some of our unspoken agreement by sending this, but I am having a weaker moment and I was mildly offended you felt I was a bully. I don't think I deliberately try to take advantage of folk or treat them cruelly habitually. I feel like you displace your feelings about your ex-wife on me sometimes. If your angry at me its about other things, and I would prefer you not compare and contrast me to her but allow me to be judged on my on merit exclusively based on how I have treated you.

You may feel an emotional disconnection, but I still love you very much.

current mood: crushed

2:23 pm - bully - part 02

Paul's response:

I did not say that based on how you treat me, its how you treat others.

2:27 pm - bully - part 03

my response to paul:

I am not going to argue the point. But I do NOT think that is a fair assessment by any means.

I am not "nice" and never pretended to be. And I think you have noticed some of the folks I associate with have no common sense. One is doing crack and is HIV positive for god sake. One has AIDS and is doing coke? One got himself in a relationship with someone who is bi-polar and later had the guy move in with him to later have the police remove him. And Susan is such a piece of work I can't say enough, about her. I don't think I bully them when I point these 'facts' out to them. I DO NOT enable folk, I give them the truth as I see it albeit sometimes without tact or consideration for their feelings.

current mood: pensive

2:34 pm - bully - part 04

Paul I am not a bully and you know it. You're mad at me cause I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. I think you're mad at me because It was me who made the decision to break it off with you and then you agreed with it. I think you're angry cause you miss me as much as I miss you.

But I can't permit you to displace your feelings about your ex-wife and how she treated you on me. I won't deny I have the ability to become a bully, but I am not one. And if you wish to say untruthful things to push me away from you, you are succeeding.

You're hurting and I am hurting also. I know I had a point of weakness yesterday and I wanted something more from you in that moment on the phone, and I am sorry that I am human also. BUT even though I am maintaining and holding it down, I miss you greatly and don't want your money or anything else I want YOU.

I can and will not lie about my feelings about you to myself, it may not have been even appropriate to call you but i was so thrilled about the news I got that you were the only one I wanted to go to to share it with I know that is not currently the nature of our relationship, even though thats what we both want, but we understand why we are where we are. And even though we understand it intellectually its VERY VERY hard emotionally to resolve such strong feelings. I am sorry and will do better in the future.

I know you're trying to hold it together and you're basically doing it all alone due to lack of support systems which makes it that much harder. And your pushing me away is you trying to protect yourself. I am sorry, that I wasn't stronger but even with my support systems, speaking to you melts my resolve and everything I am doing backslides to me wanting to be with you regardless of all thats going on. I apologize, in the future I will be stronger and not be so selfish to put my needs before yours especially since you do not have the kind of support that I do to make it through.

[Whew, there's a lot going on here.

And even though this was twenty years ago, I agree with myself and how I explained myself. This kind of argument is classic for me, you've called me something, let's start with defining the term first before I give a rebuttal. I also love my honesty admitting I wasn't always tactful, but being very bare and raw about how I was feeling emotionally. Curiously I don't even see an attack here. The only thing I may do differently now is obscure my friends identities a bit more, albeit I don't think I was horrible, just trying to make a point.

I also like the fact that I acknowledge the boundaries we established and that my behavior was violating said boundaries. I don't really think I could have communicated more clearly how I was feeling, how I thought he felt, and how we felt about the "us" that was no longer. I have always prided myself on my emotional intelligence, and Paul being in the closet and living in another state was a huge challenge to dating him, and I still think I did my best based on the situation and don't have any regrets about our interaction.

Photo by Brown Estate]

#end of relationship #break up #relationships #bully #livejournal #journal entry #queer #moving on #parting ways #hurt feelings #emotional break ups #twenty years later

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zara2148 · 2 years ago

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Interesting Bits from Midnight Mass’s scripts

So I mentioned being a nerd who actually compared the final episodes with the available scripts for Midnight Mass episodes (episodes 3, 4, 5, and 7). One point that jumped out at me was how it more obvious that Riley wasn’t just tolerating Father Paul’s company in AA meetings in the original scripts.

That through line IS still there in the final product, I just think it’s not as obvious and many walk out of the series thinking Riley is only tolerating him or dislikes him the whole time. (deep sigh)

The two cut/altered scenes I have to point to for that are from episode 3.

This first scene survives in an altered form, as the scene we IMMEDIATELY cut to after Hassan brings up his concerns about bibles in school to Bev and everyone, and Bev manages to regain control of the whole situation and is even applauded for wanting to help the children understand miracles.

... like, really kind of strange of Riley, a staunch atheist and someone critical of the church and organized religion, to leap so fast to Paul’s defense against the childhood friend he’s reconnecting with/potentially falling back in love with. Unless we assume that yes, he’s come to like and trust Paul as a person.

(my guess is this scene was trimmed down because we are kind of being TOLD what to think about Paul, versus drawing our own conclusions about him).

Then there’s later in the episode, where the script has Riley speak more casually to Father Paul as he walks in for the meeting than in the episode, where he enters the rec center silently.

A certain level of comfort with Paul is being projected there. A vibe of “You have got to hear the latest shit that Bev is pulling now.” Gossipy housewives the both of them.

There’s also the brief, blink-and-you-miss it mention in this scene that Riley has been talking to Paul more than once a week during AA when Paul urges him to not give such a pat answer to Joe (this part is in the finished episode, I just find it easier to screencap the script).

Speaking of... this bit was cut from the AA trio scene after Riley tells Joe it’s enough he showed up:

From context, it reads very much that Paul is saying he and Riley are friends, rather than suggesting that Riley and Joe will be/are friends. Like you could read that into it and I think it is a part of it (Paul just wants Riley to be surrounded with friends, guys), but it reads more to me that Paul is saying he wanted to push for and challenge Riley to be his best self as a friend with his “that’s bullshit” speech.

But I think the most obvious moment of “Oh, Riley isn’t just talking with Father Paul to fulfill a parole requirement and is hesitant to speak with him otherwise” that survived to the final cut is in episode 4, after Riley’s spent a while comforting Erin about her abortion and Joe’s death has more or less been handled.

Like... he didn’t have to ask that question. He could have just talked about his feelings surrounding this event or not even brought up Erin’s miscarriage at all in the meeting. It’s a very personal thing to share, even with a priest acting as a therapist.

He’s not doing this for Erin’s sake, it’s not a roundabout way to get the priest to go comfort his religious friend as he’s quick to dissuade Paul from that. Riley brought up this topic to get his own emotions about it out.

And he wanted to hear what Paul thought you should do in that situation. He trusted that perhaps, he might have a better idea than Riley himself did.

And of course, it’s a twist of the knife that not long after this emotional honesty, he catches Paul in a pretty significant lie.

(Also, the sheer number of points I can gesture to as evidence that Paul ALSO very much cared about Riley could really be its own series of posts... and it might need to be, since it does seem to get missed/overlooked as an element of his character. It’s a twisted bromance and I love it so.)

#midnight mass spoilers #midnight mass #priley #might as well tag that though this isn't romantic #long post #it wasn't supposed to be long lulz #riley flynn #john pruitt #father paul hill #let's see how much attention this gets before i consider doing more

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slayingqueenchal · 2 years ago

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Interview(ed) | timothee chalamet x y/n

A remake of my first ever fanfic Interview. | Timothee chalamet x Reader (y/n) I'm a bit better at writing, comparing to my past self, this is full of fluff fluff fluffy, and I'm using second person perspective instead of first person perspective,and timmy describes you in french and it's like confessing! But I'll stfu rn, enjoy! (There's an ending to this not like the first one)

"Yes, how are you, y/n, Timothee! I am john" The interviewer said to you and timothee.

"Good good! " Said timothee, and you nodded with him. "Amazing, now, I'm going to ask you questions for both dune part 1&2, is that alright?" John ask and both of you nodded.

"So, timothee, how did you get the role of Paul atreides? " John asks while flipping his card.

"It was like every other auditions, it's a tough one, I was really lucky that I got the role" He explained, his hands were moving as he was speaking.

"Great, what about you, y/n" John asks. "It was my cousin, who made me audition for the role of alia atreides, she was nine, she's a, a really smart person, to the degree that she understood dune" You told John.

"Why haven't you told me this?! This is literally the cutest thing ever, Y/n" Timothee groaned.

John flipped another card. "You can choose to not answer this one, just tell me, but the fans are curious about you twos dating rumours, is that true? " He asks.

"That's fine" Said timothee, you told John "we're very platonic.. Too, platonic, sometimes" With a fake chuckle.

You always had feelings since you first met timothee. It's like, love at first sight.

"Oo, that's cool! Up to the next question! " He flips his card, "Can each of you tell me, who was the most funniest, adorable, relatable, nicest co-star in the whole film, say it at the same time! ".

"Okay.. Timmy, one" You said.

"Two" Timothee said.

"Three! " You said. You pointed at him, saying "you!". But, he had done the same thing to, he said you were the most fun from the whole dune film.

"Aww" John said. You realized that, you were blushing hard.

"Up to the final, special question, many fans have asked this, timothee, can you describe y/n kn french? " John asks.

"elle est belle, ma personne préférée dans le film, peut-être ma personne préférée dans le monde entier" Timothee says with a lot of emotions.

(she's beautiful, my favorite person in the film, maybe my favorite person in the whole world)

"elle est vraiment attentionnée, avec beaucoup de monde et je ne pouvais pas m'empêcher d'être jalouse" Timothee says.

(she's really caring, with a lot of people and I couldn't help but to be jealous)

"Je pense que j'ai des sentiments pour elle, mon amour"

(I think I have feeling for her, love)

"et je sais qu'il y aura un gars ou une fille française qui traduira ça, mais priez Dieu qu'elle ne le sache pas. c'est une belle, géniale, gentille personne et honnêtement je ne la mérite pas du tout mais c'est trop tard maintenant, je suis déjà tombé amoureux d'elle" He says

(and I know there's going to be a French guy or girl who is going to translate this, but, pray to God that she wouldn't know. she's a beautiful, great, nice person and I honestly don't deserve her, at all but it's too late now, I've already fallen for her)

"And I believe that's it, I guess" He says.

"That was great! I personally don't understand but, maybe there will be someone who will explain, well I'm ending soon so, thankyou so much for answering all of the questions! Goodnight and bye! " John says enthusiastically. Not you though, you and timothee looks like a dead zombie answering questions since seven in the morning to ten pm.

"Well, that's all guys, pack your stuff and you can go, goodnight! " Says the producer.

"Alright" You both said.

"Timmy! Goodnight" You said, waving at him. "Night, y/n" Timothee responses.

You walked down to your car in silence with your body guards, and got home safely.

You went upstairs, get cleaned up, and went for a good night sleep.

Everything was alright until a thousand notifications blew up on your phone.

"What the hell" You groaned, taking your phone. Though your eyes were blurry, you can still see.

Everyone one was tagging you all across the media.

"Oh my gosh, I'm French, and if you haven't watched the dune interview with buzzfeed, you're missing out! " The girl says and plays the audio.

'elle est belle, ma personne préférée dans le film, peut-être ma personne préférée dans le monde entier' the blurry audio says

"Timothee is saying how y/n is the best person in the world and later he says that he couldn't help but be jealous of people around her who she's nice with,OH MY GOSH, he says he thinks he has feelings for her, and that he doesn't deserve her but he has already fallen in love. Oh my gosh y'all" Says the girl.

You sat there for a second, trying to process what's going on.

Timothee, liking you back? Sounds like a daydream.

You opened your messages app to found timothee's was filled by apologizes, confession, and him saying sorry for a hundred times.

You wrote 'timmy, you don't need to say sorry, in fact, I love you too'. No, that's corny you changed it up a bit "timmy, you don't need to say sorry, in fact, I have feelings for you too".

You sent it with your eyes closed. Turning off the phone.

"Y/n, I have.. It's like love at first sight and since you've told me this, would you like, go out with me, I know I'm a sucker for asking this in chat but pleasee" The notification rings.

Well, you replied and, guess someone's going on a date.

This was really rushed I'm sorry

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aegor-bamfsteel · 2 years ago

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Sometimes I feel like so many book fans are unable to see Dany atrocities in Slavers Bay. It's because they think Dany is removing slavery and the characters are either causing problems to Dany or some are plain cruel. Do you think the writing has sone flaws regarding Essos chapter?

I think you’re right regarding the Slaver’s Bay atrocities, although a few people have pointed out this is likely intentional. Making the Slavers so one-dimensionally evil—crucifying 163 slave children as a challenge to Dæny, brainwashing slave boys into super soldiers, condemning innocent people to getting mauled by animals because they want to see death—is so Dæny’s actions against them seem not as bad by comparison, or even “karmic justice”. I mean, how many times have you seen the defense of the crucifixion of 163 Meereenese Masters as “they were slavers and probably involved in killing them anyway” when Dæny had them killed without an investigation? Even though the motivation of the slavers is similar to that of Tywin Lannister—pride in their heritage and the system they’ve profited off of, to the point of considering those outside the clan inferior which justifies all sorts of atrocities against them—you never get an Essosi villain with Tywin’s sort of backstory or sense of grandeur (let alone that of his children, but at least they’re POVs).

I’m hardly alone thinking the Essosi characters are poorly developed. It’s pretty telling that the show—otherwise criticized for flattening characters, for its racist imagery, for softening the blow of dark!Dæny—actually did better than the books with them in a few places. They gave Missandei and Grey Worm a romantic plot that didn’t involve Dæny (and considering Missandei was supposed to survive the finale, maybe signified them growing apart from her). They made it obvious that Dæny crucifying the 163 Great Masters without a trial was reckless, because she killed Hizdahr’s father and he’d spoken against killing the children. Hizdahr himself got more sympathetic characterization, going from an opportunistic lobbyist who wanted to open up the fighting pits to essentially being the Sansa to her Joffrey and pointing out her hypocrisy when she vows to destroy Meereen if they keep rebelling (“So your reasons are true and theirs are false?”) Then there’s a character Mossador, a former slave who she kills for killing a Son of the Harpy without trial, thus causing a riot, and he’s not in the books.

GRRM, as the first linked post points out, has a talent for creating well fleshed out minor characters in little narrative space (citing Small Paul, though there are many other examples), which helps make Westeros feel more dynamic. By contrast, Dæny’s main cast in Essos is mostly one dimensional. It’s not really fair to compare Pyp, Grenn, and Dolorous Edd (not counting Sam because he’s a POV) to Irri, Jhiqui, Rakharo, and Jhogo, but both of groups have been with POV Jon or Dæny for most of their journey, and see how easy it is to think of the first group’s character traits (Pyp’s the funny mummer, Grenn is a gentle giant, Dolorous Edd is Eeyore giving a Shakespeare monologue) whereas the second group has little characterization (GRRM differentiates them by body type, with Irri as slender, Jhiqui as busty, Jhogo is young, Rakharo has a mustache) This got so bad in ADWD that GRRM had to invent a character Rommo as part of Dæny’s khalasar because her bloodriders weren’t available to represent the Dothraki in council. We have an oily suck up to the ruling power in Reznak and Pycelle, but we understand Pycelle’s motivations due to a monologue with Jaime (he admires authoritarian rulers since surviving a plague that killed 3/4 of the Citadel), whereas Reznak doesn’t get that revealing backstory moment. Basically GRRM shows he’s plenty capable of creating interesting side characters and antagonists, he just rarely does so during the Essosi chapters.

(Incidentally, this is part of the reason why I hate the theory that Melisandre is of magical Westerosi origin. She’s 1 of 2 indigenous Essosi and ex-slave POVs and a well rounded character with development over 3 books who drives part of the plot. Making her Westerosi magic really takes away from her origin story that led her to devote her life to Rhllor.)

#ask #grrm criticism #anti daenerys #opinion

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since0202 · 2 years ago

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Taking Time—Forty Nine

Where there's a Will, there's a way

Word count: 6486

I’ve always thought I was a great communicator. My highschool and college essays can attest to that according to my teachers. My parents would say that they’ve never not known how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. My friends came to me for advice, so sure that I would shoot them straight while being mindful of their feelings. I’m easy to understand even if I might be hard to read sometimes. Well, at least according to Paul I can be hard to read. But this…this is new territory. I’ve never left something unsaid and opted for something physical to work out an issue rather than talk it through. But this last month or so has got me thinking—maybe I don’t need to say anything at all.

July’s heat did nothing to slow down the month. It passed in a whirlwind for Maya, tangled and sweaty and persistent in Paul’s grasp. Maya didn’t think she’d ever had so much sex in her entire time with Paul combined compared to this last month or so. He was everywhere all of the time and she honestly preferred it to the silent distant thing they were doing before.

The intensity of the pack’s rounds had finally died down after Becks had had Ephriam. Jacob was more willing to work with the Cullens after he understood their intentions and the help was welcomed by all. They were more effectively able to scout the perimeter with the Cullens’ help and gain insight into the goings-on of the Volturi with a quick call to Alice Cullen.

Relaxed rounds meant a more relaxed Paul. Maya was able to move about the reservation as she pleased without a chaperone and Paul resumed his trips to Seattle for client work. Things were almost back to normal. Almost.

Paul and Maya had refused to talk about anything related to their most recent fight—the one where Paul said she had to stay on rez next semester. Maya thought maybe he had let it go or wrote it off as a heat of the moment kind of thing and was hoping she would forget. But, he’d continued to make the odd comment at pack dinners like: “We’ll be able to run baby interference at the bonfire this fall.” and “Did Keye have to stay in the dorms her first semester at UW?”

Maya would raise an eyebrow but not pursue the questions further than their answers given from their intended recipient. The statements were just vague enough that he might have been speaking for only himself or out of curiosity, but something gnawed at Maya—the unresolved conflict squatting in her belly and rearing its ugly head every once in a while.

That horrible feeling would temporarily evaporate however whenever she and Paul found themselves alone. The silence would hang in the air between them, Maya would put her pen down after revising yet another internship application, and Paul would cross the room, or pull the car over, or hoist her up onto the counter and clear her mind of any little thing she was thinking about. He had an uncanny ability to do that and Maya felt herself craving the connection of the imprint more and more. As if at any moment that good feeling would run out. Maya was aware that there was indeed a clock ticking down on their time to have the conversation, but right now she couldn’t bring herself to say anything.

“So…seems like you two are back to normal,” Becks said one late August afternoon as she sat leaned up against the headboard while breastfeeding Ephriam. Maya was laying on her stomach across the massive bed after finishing putting away a massive amount of laundry in Becks’ room.

“Mmm,” Maya replied noncommittally, hoping the afternoon storm promised would arrive and lull her off to sleep. She could feel Becks’ eyes on her but Maya refused to make eye contact. Were they back to normal? No. But this was better than whatever was happening before. They were…going in circles, avoiding the thing they dreaded most.

“Are you staying then?” Becks asked. If Maya didn’t know any better, she’d think there was a hint of hope in her voice. She finally folded her arms under her chin and looked up at Becks. Ephriam was sucking away contentedly, his eyes closed as he drifted off toward sleep and Becks looked like the picture of happiness. Maya sighed.

“You know I can’t,” she finally said after a long pause. Becks nodded somewhat sad and then forced a smile.

“I know. But Paul is going to be—,” Becks started.

“Paul will be fine,” Maya said quickly, hoping to shut down the conversation. She realized she wasn’t ready to have this conversation, not even with Becks. The thought of what might happen when she actually left for Columbia in a few short weeks was too nerve wracking to even think about.

“Maya,” Becks said in that soft, comforting mothering tone she’d always had but had just recently fully leaned into. Maya groaned in response. “Fine, we won’t talk about it.”

“Thank you,” she sighed in relief, closing her eyes again.

“Kim’s pregnant,” Becks blurted out. Maya’s eyes snapped open and she pushed herself up onto her knees.

“What?!” Maya nearly screeched. Becks quickly cupped her hand over Ephriam’s ear and winced. “Sorry,” Maya whispered. “What the fuck? When did that happen?”

“She just told me a couple of days ago. They’re waiting until the next pack dinner to announce it. But I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer,” Becks was trying to contain her excitement and Maya was trying to quell her dread.

“I thought she was on birth control? And how has Jared not fucking spilled the beans yet?” Maya continued whispering.

“He told Jacob when Kim told me and so Jacob decided to give him some time off of rounds to be with Kim,” Becks shifted Ephriam in her arms and he started suckling with fervor in response. “As far as the birth control thing goes, I had no idea they were trying to get pregnant. Or when Kim got off of birth control. But…she seems really happy.”

“So do you,” Maya couldn’t help pointing out. Becks pulled a face, a cool ‘So what?’ look that Maya rolled her eyes at.

“I think Sadie might be too,” Becks whispered almost conspiratorially.

“WHAT?!” Maya full blown shouted in surprise. Ephriam squeezed his eyes tight and started to fuss. She immediately felt bad as Becks curled her body over Ephriam, swapping him over to her other breast and attempting to rock and soothe him back toward sleep. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” Maya whispered. Becks shook her head, waving her off.

“It’s fine,” Becks whispered back, her eyes glued to her son. She smiled warmly as he calmed and returned to feeding. “I have no proof—just a feeling. They’re moving the wedding up by a few months and Seth’s been…more sentimental with Ephy lately. It’s probably nothing and maybe it’s just me selfishly hoping everyone gets baby fever so that it’s not just me and Emily in the trenches,” she joked. Maya swallowed hard and backed off of the bed. “It’s just a joke, My.” Becks said seeing the look on Maya’s face.

“Yeah, I know,” she replied, her voice a little higher pitched than normal. She tried to straighten out the soft knit blanket across the bed to busy herself, wanting to suddenly be anywhere but here. She’d never heard Becks talk like this before and while she knew it was all in good fun, she started to feel like they were well and truly on different paths now. Jacob suddenly entered the room, his large frame taking up so much space even in the expanse of the large owner’s suite.

“Everything okay up here?” Jacob asked, as he strode over to Becks with a warm, satisfied expression on his face. He leaned down to kiss her and then kiss the top of Ephriam’s head gently.

“Fine, Maya’s just a little shocked by my hot mom gossip,” Becks giggled and Jacob immediately lit up at the sound.

“You are a hot mom,” he joked and Becks rolled her eyes, even though her face brightened with pleasure at the compliment.

“That’s not what I—,” she laughed as Jacob nuzzled into her neck and kissed her bare shoulder. “I told Maya about Kim and my suspicions about Sadie.” Jacob pulled back and let out a laugh.

“Oh that,” Jacob replied, looking over his shoulder at Maya for the first time. “Yeah, you better clear out of here soon or else you’ll catch it too.” Maya groaned and shook her head.

“You guys are gross,” she turned on her heel and walked toward the door. Jacob and Becks were laughing together as Maya retreated but before she went to shut the door behind her, she watched as Jacob stroked Becks’ cheek and said something low under his breath. Maya couldn’t hear him but whatever he’d said had made Becks simply melt as she leaned into his hand and glanced down at their son. Maya closed the door just as their lips softly met one anothers in the low afternoon light of the room.

Maya leaned back on her hands and threw her head back in an audible gasp. She could feel the coil tightening in her belly, one that promised to melt and offer her delicious release as Paul lapped at her.

She had wandered into his workshop that morning in her bikini and some shorts to tell him she was heading down to the beach to read and relax for a couple of hours. But she had been…delayed when Paul had beckoned her closer and snatched her up onto his work bench. The triangles of her bikini top had been pushed to the side to expose her breasts and Paul had ripped her shorts off and pushed aside the bottoms of her bikini so he could access her heat. Maya moaned as Paul sunk one finger, quickly followed by another into her core as he sucked at the bead of her clit. The constant ache that called out for him started to pulse and grow in her belly and Maya’s breath came quick and fast. He twisted his fingers and hooked up, hitting a particularly sensitive spot that he knew so well within her.

Maya’s hand dropped to his head as she took a fistful of his hair and held him impossibly closer. He was slurping and pulling at her lips, pressing his tongue flat and groaning hard as she soaked his face. Paul squeezed her thigh with his other hand and Maya felt herself spiral toward release, her legs shaking around his head and over his shoulders. He drank every bit of it down and slowly removed his fingers as he stood up. Paul palmed at his erection as he watched Maya slowly come back down to Earth toward him.

He leaned forward and pressed his warm lips to hers letting her taste herself. Maya savored this feeling of relief. The jingling of his belt buckle brought Maya back to her senses as he pulled his jeans down below his hips and began lining himself up with her center. Paul gripped her hips and slid her slightly forward and Maya’s eyes flickered up to Paul’s face which was shaped in hungry concentration.

“Um,” Maya said. Paul glanced at her, his cock slipping through her folds and spreading her slick across his tip.

“What? You okay?” he said, suddenly concerned. His other hand was holding onto the back of her neck to steady her in the position he had arranged her in.

“Yeah, um, maybe we could,” Maya sucked in a sharp breath before looking down at him again hovering over her entrance. “Maybe we could use a condom?” she asked hesitantly.

“A condom?” he asked, confused. Maya nodded slowly and Paul tilted his head, the confusion still apparent in his furrowed brow, “Why would we wear a condom when—” something dawned on him and his eyes grew wide, “Are you not on birth control anymore?” he asked, his voice thick with heat as a dark glint came over his eyes.

“”No! I am, I absolutely am,” Maya rushed to say. She felt caught, like Little Red Riding Hood in the wolf’s grasp. He shifted closer, the head of his cock pressing and tentatively stretching her opening, “Ah!” she looked down between them and then back up at Paul hurriedly, “I just want to be…extra careful because…” Maya blushed, the warmth spreading across her face. Paul’s thumb stroked across the length of her neck as he watched her curiously.

“Because?” he prompted after she didn’t continue. Maya closed her eyes tight in embarrassment and then opened them again.

“Because Kim is pregnant and Sadie might be too and I just don’t want to take any chances,” she said in a rush. Maya opened her eyes when the silence stretched between them and looked up into Paul’s face. He’d made no effort to move away from her and he was smiling a sweet, indulging grin at her. “What?” she asked incredulously as her face settled into a frown. That had Paul chuckling and Maya huffed in annoyance.

“No offense, babe, but we’ve been going at it non-stop for a month and you haven’t gotten pregnant. And I’m not going to wear a condom for some superstitious baby fever nonsense when you’re on birth control,” he said it all so warmly, so endearing, so convincing.

“But what if—” Maya’s mouth fell open in a gasp, stopped short as Paul sunk into his hilt connecting his hips with hers. His grip on her hip and neck tightened as he held her to him and brought his lips to hover over hers.

“Hush,” he said in that low voice that made heat instantly pool in her belly, “I’m not wearing a condom. Not when you feel this good,” he groaned as he slowly pulled out and sunk back in as he began to thrust into her slowly. Maya’s eyes fluttered closed at the feeling of fullness within her. Stretched around him, her head cleared and she felt safe and important. When he picked up his pace, grunting and pressing his lips to hers, she let out a heady moan and brought her arm up to snake around his neck and pull him flush against her. She wanted him closer, closer, so much closer.

Her heart pounded as he fucked into her wet heat and groaned sweetly in her ear, telling her how good she was doing, how well she was taking him. Maya shut her eyes tight as the blind pleasure washed over her. His hand tightened on her hip as he tugged her toward him faster, not letting up on his rhythm even though Maya was slowly going limp in his arms as her orgasm rinsed her out.

Paul moaned into her mouth, swallowing the soft sighs and sounds of his name on her lips as he slid quickly in and out of her. He wanted more, so much more that he couldn’t tell her and that promise of heat and pleasure and the unspoken, unknowable future. Paul gritted his teeth before pulling Maya’s bottom lip into his mouth and nipping at it, eliciting another one of her heart stopping moans. He was trying to ground himself, keep himself here because it was becoming too easy to slip into this feral, needy side of himself when he was buried in her like this, all wet and wanting and soft. He often found himself slipping, losing some semblance of control and he knew he couldn’t do that with her, not with Maya.

“Paul,” she gasped as he angled within her just right. His brain buzzed with a pleasant hum that traveled down and spilled out of his mouth. It reverberated against his chest and filled him with the most bright, light feeling. Not yet.

He slipped from her and she gave almost a relieved, satisfied noise, her eyes drooping. He chuckled, his mouth pulling up in a satisfied grin, “Not so fast, little red bikini,” he chided pulling her off the table only to swivel her so she faced it before grabbing underneath her right knee and pulling it up to rest on the table.

“Paul, I—oh—I can’t,” she breathed, bracing one hand on the edge of the table and one looped up behind her and around the back of Paul’s neck. Paul leaned down ever so slightly and gripped either side of her hips before pressing firmly down against her hip bone to cant her ass up.

“I know,” he said gently, as he pressed his lips to her temple. “But you always say that, and then, you always give me one…” he groaned as he slipped back inside her from behind as she whined leaning her head back on his shoulder, “More,” he huffed as he bottomed out. Paul let his hand coast from her hip to her lower belly and started to thrust, feeling the gentle bulge of himself seated deep within her as she whimpered and shut her eyes tight, bracing herself for another descent into blinding white, star popping, pleasure. Paul felt warm and firm behind her as his hips slapped against the curve of her ass. He held her to him tightly, helping to balance and angle her on the table so he could somehow sink deeper, his hand fanned out across her belly.

“Paul…I’m—” Maya huffed, rolling her hips back against his that returned a sweet stuttering moan from him.

“I’ve got you baby,” he promised. Maya’s eyes rolled into the back of her head as she let out a wail, letting it all go—all the stress and pent up frustration and unspoken argument between them melted away and she was so overcome with it. She clenched around him tightly and felt that warm gush between her thighs as he groaned against her ear.

“Do you want me to come in you?” his husky, rough voice sparked bursts of light behind her eyes and Maya sighed in the aftershocks of her orgasm. “You need to tell me, My.” His voice sounded pained, urgent. She nodded but he continued, “Tell me out loud, baby,” a sharp hiss pulled on that last word as he steadily thrust in and out of her, her walls clutching him hungrily.

“Yes,” she breathed out, the voice not quite sounding like herself, “I want you to come in me, Paul. Please, please I need—” Maya’s voice was cut short by Paul’s hand snaking around her neck and putting firm warm pressure there. Her whole body lit up with sensation as he started to pound into her roughly from behind, each time hitting that sweet, sore spot in her that threatened to take her over the edge again. He slammed into her with two final thrusts and before emptying every last drop into her and Maya’s brained hummed with that familiar feeling of completion. He kept her tight against him as he caught his breath, keeping her plugged full of him. They were covered in sweat, both of their chests rising and falling in time together and Maya was fighting the urge to pass out from pure bliss.

Paul’s hands floated down to her sides and kissed along her shoulder and neck for a moment reveling in this feeling of keeping her full. “You can go to the beach later, yeah?” he said gently, running his fingertips gently along her ribs making Maya shiver. She nodded sleepily and Paul took it as his cue to carefully pull out of her with a hiss and scoop her up into his arms. He was pretty sure she was already asleep by the time he gently put her down on the cool leather couch and covered her bikini-clad body with a light throw blanket.

“What?!” Sadie’s mouth fell open in shocked amusement as she let out a little laugh. Maya’s hand stalled over the fresh picked spinach at the Forks Farmers Market.

“So..you’re not then?” Maya asked as she grabbed a few bundles and put them in her cloth tote.

“No, I’m not pregnant. But I think it’s hilarious that Becks thought so,” Sadie was sorting through bushels of radishes and shot Maya her sweet smile.

“Forgive her. She’s got baby brain and the fact that Kim is too—” Maya clamped her mouth shut suddenly and whispered a “shit” under her breath but Sadie was shocked once again.

“Kim!? Kim Cameron is pregnant?!” Sadie shrieked. Maya’s eyes darted around the small crowd milling about the farmer’s market. Not many people from the reservation were here but she motioned to Sadie to keep her voice down regardless.

“She’s announcing it tonight. Fuck, I wasn’t supposed to say anything. Don’t say anything, please!” Maya pleaded, laughter still bubbling in her throat from her misstep. Sadie shook her head reassuringly.

“I promise. But goodness, I almost can’t believe it,” she said incredulously.

“Tell me about it,” Maya breathed out in disbelief herself as she gathered some baskets of cherry tomatoes.

“Kim was so outspoken against settling down to have kids until she got her head nurse position. I thought they were still at least three, maybe four years out the way she was talking about it,” Sadie continued. Maya pondered that for a moment. She remembered what felt like a lifetime ago when she was sitting in that exam room with Kim talking about birth control and how she was so adamantly on her side about not having kids until she was ready despite the council’s eagerness.

“Maybe it’s just the right time for them?” Maya offered, not wholly convinced herself.

“Must be, I’m sure Jared is completely thrilled. He’s wanted them for a while now,” Sadie picked through some fresh morel mushrooms.

“Really?” Maya asked. She arched an eyebrow in curiosity at her. Sadie gave her a look, one that spelled out to Maya how little she truly knew of pack dynamics. But Sadie was kind, always soft in her delivery.

“Yeah, he’s mentioned it a couple of times at dinner or just in passing. He and Paul are always huddled in the kitchen together talking with Sam, I feel like,” Sadie quipped, “Oh! Strawberries!” Maya watched her cross to the fruit stand and stayed stock still. Paul was talking to Jared about having kids? Or counseling him on having kids? Or…Maya paused. She didn’t know what he talked to Jared about. Or any of the pack for that matter. Because she wasn’t here. “I can make my famous strawberry shortcake tonight! What do you think?” Sadie positively buzzed with excitement. Maya swallowed hard and tried to set her face into a smile as she nodded.

That knot started to form in her belly again, tightening at the realization unfolding yet again that she was planning to leave in a few short weeks. And her and Paul had yet to have that discussion. Their communication stalled, always overshadowed by their physical need to connect instead and further put off the inevitable. She felt like she was on the edge of something, something that could ruin everything if she wasn’t careful.

Maya shrugged on her dark blue leather jacket and quickly swung half of her hair up into a silk scrunchy. She quickly patted on some lip stain and jogged over to the bed where are laptop lay open the final packaged file of her last internship application. Maya scanned frantically over the list of requirements and checked each off in her head.

“My! Let’s go! We’re already late, baby!” Paul shouted from downstairs. Maya made one more pass over the attachments to ensure she had everything there and then clicked submit.

“Coming!” she shouted back. Maya quickly shut the laptop and bounded down the stairs where Paul was waiting, hands in his pockets.

“Ready?” he said softly.

“Last pack dinner, you know it,” Maya quipped as she reached around him to grab her bag.

“Right,” he said in a strange voice. But before Maya could question him, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her to his chest before planting a kiss on top of her head. Maya let her hands rest on the sides of his abdomen and breathed him in for just a second. The fissure she felt growing between them this summer had semi-sealed itself with this tiny flicker of hope. Hope that he was finally coming to terms with the fact that she was going back to the east coast in just one short week. Back to school and away from the abnormal life she’d been living up to this moment. “Come on,” he said quietly as rubbed up and down her arms gently and steered her toward the door. Maya smiled up at him and wrapped her arm around his waist, allowing herself to be ferried toward the car.

The car ride to Sam and Emily’s was quiet, but Maya was content as the soft rain splattered across the windshield and she held Paul’s hand. There was a deep calm that seemed to settle over her as if everything that had remained unspoken between the two of them, in this moment, simply evaporated. Maya felt almost whole.

Paul must have felt the same because he kept bringing the back of her hand up to his lips as he drove as he wove gently down the rain slicked streets. Once they arrived at Sam and Emily’s, the early evening rain gave way to a soft evening light that made the forest surrounding the small bungalow erupt with the soothing sounds of frogs and crickets, and the shuffling of wildlife between the ferns.

They were greeted as they usually were on pack dinner nights—to hoots and hollers and hellos. Becks stood in the small dining room, cradling Ephriam with Jacob’s arm around her, chatting with Kim and Jared. Maya smiled and waved at them and let herself be enveloped into the warm chattering home.

Time always passed differently at pack dinners and even with the home now packed with so many wolves and imprints alike, it seemed like the house would always stretch to accommodate more as the kids ran underfoot. Dinner was a feast of sweetbreads and rice and chicken, and after Sam’s obligatory toast to everyone, it was oddly void of any mention of anyone returning to school, despite him congratulating Jacob for getting the garage up and running amongst the chaos of this summer. Maya gave it little thought though tucked into Paul’s side, laughing at something Jeremy said as he talked animatedly about his most recent mishap with one of the reservation girls.

After awhile, Paul drifted off to his usual corner with Sam, Jared, and now Jacob. They’re heads were bowed as they spoke to one another but there were smiles flitting across each face that kept the conversation light. A sharp whistle rang out across the volley of voices and Sam stepped out from his corner to bellow:

“There’s one more announcement to be made before the night ends,” he nudged Jared forward. Maya’s eyes shot to Kim, who’s eyes were welling with tears as she smiled heartily. It made something cinch tightly in Maya.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jared said holding up his hands almost in surrender. From behind him, Paul and Jacob chuckled as they clutched the necks of their beer bottles, “Kim and I have some exciting news…..babe?” he looked to her and she nodded, “We’re having a baby!” he said, pure joy etched across his face. The house erupted into shouts of excitement and the wolves descended upon Jared, clapping him on the back. Maya stayed put, her eyes watching the scene unfold as everyone gathered around the two expectant parents to be. There was so much love here, and so much time for it all to happen. Whenever Maya was away, she never worried about missing out on anything because she didn’t know what she would miss until she was told about it. But now, seeing this love and excitement pour from her family, she knew she’d truly miss out on something big. And yet, there was still that other part of her that tugged on her to leave, to return to her life in New York and follow every possible dream she had hoped for herself. She loved every person in this room and would gladly put herself in danger in their stead, but still Maya knew she wanted more. That guilt panged in her and made her ache in a new way. Torn between two spectacular worlds and how lucky she was to have both.

Maya finally pushed herself up out of her chair and walked over to embrace Kim in a hug who had continued weeping with delight into her shoulder. She couldn’t help but feel that tremor of happiness within her as well at the sheer amount of emotion sweeping through the room.

Jake and Becks had been a surprise. But Kim and Jared were a long time coming to this moment. And you would have had to have been made of stone to not feel a flicker of excitement for both of them who were very openly crying in sheer joy at their own announcement.

Maya stood there for awhile, just admiring how bright and shiny Kim looked in that moment, her eyes flooded with tears as she spoke of the sheer excitement and desire she had for this baby. She was happy. And Maya was unequivocally happy for her.

After the excitement died down and some of the pack members left or folded themselves into the comfortable couches and armchairs and floor pillows scattered about, Maya joined Jeremy, Emily, and Sam in the kitchen where they were cleaning up and putting food away. Paul was fixing a loose handle on the kitchen sink as Maya grabbed a dish towel and started drying dishes.

“One of the most successful pack dinners yet, I think,” Emily shone pure joy as she fitted the lid to a container of rice. Sam smiled at her warmly and nodded. “Oh Maya, that reminds me! Would you be able to host the next pack dinner? I think we’re thinking September 30, right before the Fall bonfire?” Sam’s head shot up and his eyes widened. Paul’s hand went still for a second before he resumed tightening the handle.

Maya let out a laugh, glancing at Emily, “I mean if Paul wants to host, that’s fine by me. I won’t be here.” There was silence in the kitchen and the only sound that could be heard was Sam’s scrubbing and the faint voices filtering in from the living room. Jeremy looked from Sam to Emily in confusion.

“You’re not?” Emily said, clearly confused as if this was news to her.

“No…” Maya stopped and looked at her, and then glanced at Paul. “I’ll be at school.”

“Oh! Right!” Emily said and Maya breathed an audible sigh of relief. “But you’ll only be a couple hours away. Did you plan to live on campus this year at UW?”

Something hard and cold sank to the bottom of Maya’s stomach. Emily was very obviously oblivious.

“Em,” Maya said gently, “I’m going back to Columbia. To New York. In a week.” That was good, stay calm.

Emily furrowed her brow, “But Paul said—” And that cold thing snapped and shattered within Maya in one second.

“Paul said what?!” Maya said a little too loud. Paul had stopped and set the wrench down, turning to lean against the counter with his arms crossed.

“I’m sorry…I-I didn’t realize. He said you were registered for UW in the fall and just th-thought—” Emily stuttered. Sam crossed the room.

“It’s okay, hun,” Sam said as he rubbed her arm and shot Paul a disgruntled look as if to say Handle this.

“Paul?” Maya prompted, all fire. She should be more calm, she knew, but everything unspoken had all of the sudden reached a boiling point and there was no controlling it now. There was no physical cop-out this time.

“Maya, maybe we should talk about this outside,” Paul said softly, his eyes apologetic toward Emily and Sam. Maya’s whole face must have been red. Jeremy stood frozen, soap dripping from his hands as they darted from Maya to Paul.

“Sure, outside,” Maya said and turned on heel and stomped toward the door. No one really paid them any attention but as she passed Emily, she squeaked out another apology that Maya couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge.

She stomped down the porch stairs and took long strides toward the forest treeline trying to calm her breathing. Maya could hear Paul’s footsteps not too far behind her. They got just inside the treeline before Maya whirled around on him, her eyes blazing and furious.

Paul’s face was set into a distinct look of disappointment and subtle anger as his mouth turned down into a deep frown, his hands still stuffed into his pockets.

“What the fuck was that?!” Maya said roughly, her voice already losing to emotion. Paul looked around the forest, almost as if looking for a different answer before she said firmly, fiercely: “Paul.”

His eyes snapped to her now, matching her fury, “Why are you so surprised?”

A sour taste coated Maya’s tongue as she clenched her teeth, “What the fuck…was that? What is Emily talking about?” Maya gestured toward the house glittering through the dark lines of trees.

“We’ve already talked about this,” Paul said almost inaudibly.

“Bullshit!” Maya yelled. “I think I would know if I was going to school at UW this fall. I wouldn’t have shipped half my shit to New York. Or filled out my internship applications, or registered for classes, or set up my spot to volunteer at the fucking Engineering seminar in November for one. So, I’ll ask you again, what the fuck was Emily talking about?” Maya’s fists were clenched as her whole body shook.

Paul leveled her with his even stare, as immovable as the stone cliffs that jutted against First Beach. Maya was set to burst into a million pieces.

“You’re staying on the rez this fall, My, that’s what we talked about,” he said everything so matter of factly it was maddening.

“Talked? Talked to who? Not to me. Because if i remember correctly, we haven’t been talking at all. Just fucking. Or do you not remember that?” Maya sniped. This couldn’t be happening.

“I had Michael enroll you at UW—”

“Without my fucking consent, Paul. What game is this? You know I’m going back to Columbia, you know I’ve been working on these internship applications. You know this and yet you did all this shit anyway without talking to me!” Maya was positively screaming. There was no way no one heard them from Emily’s.

“I didn’t want to upset you.” Paul said, his face marred by sadness, but that stone facade stayed pushing Maya further to the breaking point.

“Fuck you!” She screamed. “This is the fucking worst shit you’ve ever done to me. I’m not fucking staying, I’m going back to school where I belong and you’re going to have to just deal with that,” Maya had taken two steps toward him and noticed now that his chest was rising and falling rapidly. His eyes became hard slits of anger.

“I’m not going to lose you,” he said between gritted teeth.

“Then. Let. Me. Go.” Maya said, taking another step toward him and pushing against his chest with each beat. Paul stared into her eyes fiercely, not letting any tension fold and Maya stared right back.

“Don’t push me on this,” he said again. Maya shook her head. “Please, Maya,” but there was nothing left. “Get back!” he suddenly shouted. This jolted Maya and she stumbled back a few steps before solidifying her resolve. Paul was shaking all over.

After what felt like an eternity of Paul’s ragged uncontrolled breathing and Maya mashing her jaw together so hard she thought her teeth would crack, he said between tight breathes as a dying plea: “I need you stay.”

Maya’s eyes welled with angry tears and she knew this was it. The final straw. “I can’t…” and then: “I won’t.” She shook her head.

A resounding crack rang out against the trees closest to her as Paul exploded. In one moment he was there, wolf form bent and curled in on itself in sheer agony and the next he was gone, pounding into the forest. Maya took stuttering breaths, clenching and unclenching her fists to try and release the anger radiating from her, but to no avail.

In one swift moment, she felt that somewhat healed fissure hiss and crack open within her and knew things were well and truly broken. He wouldn’t let her leave if he could help it and even in the wide open forest, Maya felt like things were closing in around her.

Her eyes widened, shooting to the shouts and voices filtering from the house beyond the trees—searching, looking for her and Paul. Maya had no idea what they would do to keep her here. What if Paul already asked them to keep her here? Maya’s mind ran wild with anxiety and she sprinted toward her Jeep before the voices could discover her.

She shoved the keys into the engine and watched wide eyed as the headlights washed over the panic-stricken faces of her found family on Emily and Sam’s front porch. She must have looked wild and terrified as she peeled out of the driveway and away, but she didn’t care. That tightening in her chest told her that the walls were still closing in and she had to get out. Out of La Push, out of Washington.

She navigated her Jeep through the thick and dark forest, past the treaty line and down side roads she’d only traveled once before. When she pulled into the driveway of the shimmering glass home, two ghostly porcelain figures waited for her on the steps.

Maya ran a hand through her hair and tried to calm her frenzied nerves, but she knew that after this moment, there might be no turning back. She killed the ignition and crunched onto the gravel driveway, coming around the car to stare up at the two figures waiting halfway up the stairs to the Cullens’ house.

It was so quiet, as if all of the animals in the surrounding forest had cleared out. Not even the comforting hum of tree frogs or crickets could be heard. It was unnerving to say the least, but Maya was in no state to worry about that implications of that right now. She stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at the stone, even faces of the two vampires and said just loud enough for herself to hear:

“I need your help.”

Next > >

#taking time #paul lahote x oc #twilight fanfiction #paul lahote #paul lahote pairing #jacob black #twilight fanfic #edward cullen #bella swan #the cullens #twilight wolfpack

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squeemcsquee · 2 years ago

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TFCon Chicago 2022: Saturday

Saturday started with @shbumi and I off to the Exhibition Hall and @lechevaliermalfet off to get an autograph from Peter Cullen. Now, despite not being a huge Transformers fan, I won’t lie – the dealers there have some super impressive stuff. Like, I completely understand why people drop a lot of money on some of the Transformer stuff on display. And the artists there are just as talented as at any other con.

But because I’m not the target audience, I probably burn out in there faster than in the dealer/artist space at anime cons or general pop culture cons. That’s not to say I didn’t find stuff – I did, over our multiple visits to the room. With my first purchase being energy drinks. I think I was feeling caffeine-deprived at the time and when you add it subtle pressure to buy from a polite but persistent pair of vendors…yeah. They actually taste pretty good though, so I might grab some again if I see them at another con. We’ll see.

I did find some other stuff, of course - my favorite purchase of the weekend was a page from one of the MLP/Transformers crossover comics.

After that first trawl through the available merchandise, we went to a panel on G1 Transformers with Sue Blu, Paul Eiding, and Ron Friedman.

I missed a chunk of what was being said thanks to the guys sitting behind us who were having a very active discussion on photography. And no, they didn’t bother shutting up when I politely let them know they were being too loud. *sigh* I get that not every moment of every panel is going to be fascinating to all attendees – but in that case, if you must talk to kill time, whisper. Or just message each other on your phones in silent mode, if there aren’t rules against phones in the panel. Better still, walk out. Let someone else have your seats.

Yes, I was very grumpy over this.

I did walk out of that panel with a greater love for the character of Arcee though, so there’s that.

We took a food break after the panel. @shbumi headed to the autograph area after her lunch, since she also purchased a ticket for Peter Cullen. Compared to the reasonably well-organized experience @lechevaliermalfet had in the morning, @shbumi reported clusters of people, line confusion, and delays during the afternoon session.

@lechevaliermalfet and I opted to check out the costume contest that afternoon. It started a little late but otherwise was just fine. Just like with their panels, TF Con had video monitors up and filmed contestants as they entered, so that as many people as possible would get a good view, no matter where they sat in the room. We were actually seated right on the edge of a row, which was an excellent view – even if I also occasionally got a wonderful view of other people’s phones and cameras while trying to take my own photos.

The energy for the cosplay contest was pretty good – a very appreciative crowd. And the MC also kept things going at a decent pace. As is usual with costume contests that have age categories, the kids went first. The highlight for everyone was the youngster whose costume allowed him to actually transform between robot and car mode.

Among the adult contestants were a Starscream and Megatron who stole the crowd’s affection easily. You had your small handful of folks cosplaying the human characters, but let’s face it – folks are there for the ‘bots. The last contestant, cosplaying Ratchet, was nearly forgotten – and wisely noted that you’re screwed if you forget your medic!

A note on the emcee for the event, though – I was entertained by what I took to be over-the-top sarcasm and lighthearted jabs at characters. However, there are also those who viewed the commentary as being too mean and also leaving contestants awkwardly trying to determine how to respond. I can’t say which side is right – since I’m far more casual within the fandom, it’s possible I missed some subtext in what was said.

There was a small amount of downtime in the dealer hall after the cosplay contest and then it was time for Peter Cullen’s panel. Or rather, it was time to get in line for Peter Cullen’s panel.

TFCon does do a tiered badging system, which meant there were concerns that many regular attendees like us would be left out in the cold and unable to access Peter Cullen’s panel. After all, hotel ballrooms can only hold so many people, and we figured with such a high-profile guest, most of the seats would be taken by the VIP and Premium badge holders. So we were in line roughly 50 minutes before the listed start time of the panel.

The line got shuffled around and moved between three and five times before anyone ever got into the panel. There were issues with the sheer number of people in line causing blockages for the dealer’s hall. And allegedly the line stretched through the hotel and toward the doors out to the parking lot.

We were lucky enough to make it into the panel and get relatively good seats. And all I can say is, Peter Cullen is a treasure. He seems genuinely touched at the love the fans show him and eager to return it. He’s an excellent storyteller and made us all laugh several times during the panel. Especially during his reenactment of the moment he discovered Optimus Prime dies in the 80s movie, during the script read.

TFCon has the entire panel on their YouTube page and I highly recommend it.

After Peter Cullen’s panel, we were done with official TFCon events for the day. But @shbumi managed to drag us to a room party that night. Which is greatly outside the norm for us, but it was a fun experience. There were a few games, including a Madlibs-style bad fanfiction.

The hostess had set her bathroom up as a mini-bar and was mixing drinks up – I tried a couple. Neither were exactly what I would order for myself normally but I’m glad I tried them.

They were strong! Our hostess was mixing drinks for free, though tips were happily accepted and we all made sure we tipped for the night. All in all, I spoke with some cool people, had some laughs, and it was a good couple of hours.

Oh, and @shbumi got a 3D-printed tiny robot dick.

All TFCon Chicago 2022 Coverage

Friday

Saturday (current post)

Sunday

#tfcon chicago #tfcon #tfcon 2022 #prose and cons #convention review #convention report

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ihopeineverloseyou19 · 2 years ago

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The graves beneath my heart (I wait for the ghosts to come)

I'm learning geography is about loss and so I keep moving into closets that never smell like you. I'm learning not to order everything and want nothing. My mouth is empty. The words won't stay. “ Paul Guest from my index of slightly horrifying knowledge; Airport letter 2”

Your memories are sceneries for the things you said

But never really meant

Words: 4.1k

Or read it on Ao3

He sleeps in his old bedroom, where he can still find that old red outline that had been painted over more times than he could count. The paint had dissipated with the years, his mother finally giving up on repainting it completely the night his father died. It was still there, little red blood dots from all those fresh cuts all those years ago, marks that he himself made. He knew that he would not remember his childhood happily, not like other kids would do, or even how Sean would do, it was the only thing that had given him a sort of power back, his own little twisted idea.

The first one, he remembers, was when his father pushed him in front of his only picture hanging by his wall, a picture of him when he was smaller, happier. He had found it fitting that he had been the one to break it, the only piece of glass in the back of his head, ‘A superficial cut’ as the doctor explained them when his mother brought him to the hospital that afternoon when she noticed how his son had blood dripping down his neck, it wasn’t too serious for him, not really, comparing to how brutal his father had been other times, he had it coming, he had been ‘lucky’ if the glass had gone in deeper he could - would probably- have had complications.

The marks stayed there no matter how many times his mother had begged him to stop, he would go on every night, adding new spots, it was a way that made him feel better in a way, he could stare at his own blood night and night again, counting down from where it started, hoping that he would not had to do it for another nights, but did it anyway, the last mark he put up, was when he put his broken finger in his wall, the blood from his body clamped out there, or the little he could get without messing up his bedsheets, the sticky way a fine line of blood appeared when he separated his hand from the wall for what would be the last time.

Something his mother was not happy about, he did it in hopes that she could understand what happened down in the basement, the way he screamed for his father for forgiveness, the way his mother drowned out his son asking -praying- for her to help him with a colorless drink in hand.

How it had been a memory she could never completely erase, the guilt for not saving him, for not knowing how, without breaking a family she was bound with since she married his father. She couldn’t leave him, not without ending up with nothing but two boys and her. He was everything she had, and her husband knew it all too well, she could not leave him, no matter what he did. She stayed.

He can sense it, the moment his bedroom door opens, he had learned all the sounds of his old home in the nights he was to busy eavesdropping how once and again his fathers footsteps lingered too much in front of his bedroom door, debating if that night would be one for him to understand that he did something (he never knew what) wrong, that he needed a lesson.

Aaron learned the way the last stair had always cracked when the pressure of both feet were pressed together, when the person at the top of the stairs didn’t know where to go. When someone could not decide what to do. His heart beating inside his ribcage, the way his breathing quickened when he heard his bedroom doorway open, he stopped all his movements, something he learned to train himself in just perfectly (his father did not move him if he noticed Aaron sleeping, completely still) it was the only way he would let him be, he never did figure out why.

He remembers how it felt, how he felt his skin tear open with every wound, the relief that came after when he put lotion on, the coldness of the bathroom late at night, even with the door close, the way he could not keep looking at himself for too long in the mirror, choosing to shower as quickly as possible to get the blood stains out, the rapid moments, fearing that the way he tried to hold his screams when the warm water hit his body, fearing that his whimpers would wake his parents up, that he would wake Sean up.

He didn’t move, not until he heard his father footsteps disappearing up the stairs, he had always laid there, motionless, petrified to move, scared if he even lifted a finger he would be pressed harder against the warmless floor, the bruises and punches he tried to avoid, but somehow they always came. The way his body was never completely healthy, purplish spots in his skin late at night, a different ointment for the wounds, to get them to heal quicker.

They must have been the only thing that reminded him of touch. The only thing that reminded him he was breathing, alive. The pain had that power over him. It made him real. Well, realer than he ever was. He feels now the way he did when his father came into his room, wanting to step out of his body, to forget he even existed, that he even survived, to float above the pain that always seems to surround him, but it’s not his father who stands in the doorway. He squinted his eyes, trying to get a better look at the figure that had been looking at him, the same figure he learned to grow up with, but in a different body, Sean had been more relaxed than him, than his father.

“Jack’s asleep in my bed” Sean crunches down to face him, he traces his forehead with a finger, taking some drops of sweat in it, “He said that you were moving too much in your sleep”

Aaron breathed out, he knew what had woke him up wasn't his son, Jack’s little space empty beside him, a new kind of guilt eating him, how could he not notice his own child walking out of bed?

“Want to tell me what happened?”

“I’m fine” Aaron states, letting the sheets fall from his body, the temperature growing within the passing seconds, he was burning up, not a so rare occurrence the little times he was back in his old bedroom, “He can sleep with you I suppose”

Sean doesn’t reply, he nods, closing the door again, letting the room bathe in a new kind of darkness, leaving him alone for the first time since he came inside his mothers house, he knows that Jack will be okay with Sean, he had never been a kid with insomnia neither too restless when he was asleep.

He turns his light on, looks at the ceiling where little stars should have been place, but never were, at the walls where posters he had put up when he was a teenager had been cleaned up, he stared at the blank walls, noticing how fitting this room was for him now, how the missing pieces of him had been stripped out of him little by little, until nothing was left but a void in his heart that not even Jack could fill.

Maybe it was the guilt he carried, he wasn’t sure. He thinks delusionally that the void is Haley, a ghost of what had been the love of his life, placed permanently on his chest, on his lungs, no letting him absorb the little moments he spend with Jack, laughing, then crying over the fact that those things had been what she had wished him to do when she was still there to see them.

There was something so strange about having to share his space again, him dropping by Sean’s bedroom when he was still a baby, checking if he was hurt the way he had been, nights he fell asleep next to his brothers crib, that later had been turned to a ‘big boy’ bedroom for him, the way he snuck out to his brothers bed, after countless showers and slept there.

Sean’s room had been the only safe space for him, the only space his father could not hurt him, not without Sean knowing what kind of a person he was, his mother knew it, she had been the one to wake him up, to help him to his own bed when his muscles ached so much that he could not do it on his own, she had helped him with clothes that were too tight for him. Most of all, she had kept that secret, not letting his father know, sometimes when he felt particularly awake at nights where Aaron had gone.

Then Haley came, sharing a bed was what had been healing for him, another person curled up on him, nothing bad coming out of that touch, arms wrapped around his middle as he slept. Until all of that stopped, when he was called out of bed for cases that were too important to let them be for when there was a reasonable hour, when he had to get out of his house before it was morning, out of Haleys’ embrace. Finally Haley had set a line and walked out of their house, not the way he had, after coming back, he knew that it would be forever.

Haley’s death, the way he would have let Foyet kill him without thinking twice if Jack wasn’t in the picture. He doesn’t know what was worse, letting Jack grow up without her, or him being the one who was left to parent his child. He never grew up to be the perfect example for a child. His father tainted his childhood in front of his eyes, angry constantly about things he could not control.

Him dying meant that Aaron would be hit with waves of undesired grief, how could he mourn him when his father did nothing but destroy everything he touched. Still, he was added there, to the graves beneath his heart, a place that he knew selfishly didn’t belong. He wasn’t mourning for the father he had, he cried for the father he wished he could have, one he thought would fill the shoes off when Jack was born, but he didn’t know how.

Haley was added there, to a place he didn't want to expand anymore, not so soon, the familiar nauseating feeling wherever he saw the ring, still in his left hand, cold metal bathed in gold, a promise to love each other forever engraved in the back of it. At least he didn't break that. He still loved her. Aaron doesn't really think he isn't going to stop. The ring stayed there, as he took the sweat with cold water in the bathroom next his room, the one he hasn’t allowed himself to step a foot into, until now.

Haley’s death had to be the reason the pills the doctor gave him didn’t do anything at all, he took another one, before going downstairs. Perhaps not having Jack's small body pressed against his own, curled by him, him breathing, knowing that his son, the only thing that has a little part of Haley is safe, one of his hands holding onto his t-shirt as if he was to disappear at night was being the thing that was causing him another sleepless night, but he knew better.

Now Jack was capable of sleeping alone. He no longer needed him. Aaron has to remind himself that sleeping in different rooms was only the beginning of Jack growing up, he thought about how many nights like those would have to take before he no longer needed him at all. Before Jack makes his own life.

What he thinks about instead is how he found Jack when he arrived home from work, or the little paperwork the bureau lets him do, to have him occupied while Jessica spends time with him.

Old tapes lying on the floor, Haley’s voice sounding from the speakers at the back of the TV. If he didn’t think about it enough he could almost imagine that she was with them. That she was still there. Jack obsessively watched those the first night he spent with him, a day before the funeral took place. Those CDs where Aaron had to pause one to get him to go to bed, where Haley ironically smiled brightly at him, playing outside with Jack, years ago when she was the center of his universe, where he valued them more than his job.

He never imagined himself teaching Jack how to tie a bow so soon, slowly letting him do his own while he tied his black shoes, he never imagined having Jack with a suit so similar to what Sean had worn when their father died. He never imagined having to say goodbye to Haley so soon, to be the reason she and many other people were killed.

Aaron never would have guessed to have Jess moved into his apartment to be close to Jack and him, her arguing over the fact that ‘he was not ready to give up on his job’ the way she knew him had always been surprisingly well, considering that he had spent most of his time with Haley, only both of them alone had shared one summer, the last his father lived, that he thinks might have given her an insight about his childhood, not something that Haley had ever been known of, not completely.

She knew what she was doing, as Jack had admitted that he didn’t want to talk about Haley because it made him sad. Aaron knew, still knows that it would be the only way he would talk, even if it was not to him. Jack needed and outlet to let his feelings out, and if that wasn’t him, he was in peace with it, the few times they tried, he made them stop, because he was profiling his son, he was not acting like a father would, so he did the only logical reasons he could think off, offer that duty to her.

Instead Aaron listened and tried not to go outside, he tried not to run form that vacant apartment that Haley never got to see, he still tries not to think of all the things she is going to lose because of him and most of it he tries to keep out of his mind that she is not here because of him. He tortures himself over and over again, the way Jack voice had shaked wherever they lighted a candle to talk to Haley, how he never wanted to continue doing it, he didn’t feel comfortable enough for it, not with him in the room.

He knew that there will be a moment where he would think of her as she was, as she once had been, where the last image of her in his head will be distorted, just enough so he doesn’t remember how she had died. So that it doesn’t remind him that he was the one who caused it. Who caused her death. He waits until that day arrives, hoping that it will let him close his eyes without replaying their history, without continuing seeing the inevitable end, the one he knows exists.

That when Jack gets older, he might hate him, that he might hear the phrase his brother Sean had thrown at his mother, when she was trying to get him to enter their house. Aaron knows that some day, when Jack is older enough to puzzle the pictures in his head, when he is older to understand what had happened to his mother, he will be blamed. Jack is going to resent him, he is okay with that.

Jessica had always been a good listener, leaving him to read some of Jack’s favorite stories wherever he had time to call for his bedtime stories when he was away. She had made all of that work out for them. She had helped him into bed, helped Jack put on his favorite pajamas and talked about family, about memories. About how Haley’s death caused him, how that made him feel.

Aaron wants nothing more than to go back, change history, let Haley go the moment he laid his eyes on hers, he is sure that it would not break his heart that much, not like now. Count his steps towards that theater room, change his direction, walk home earlier that day, anything to make sure that they never crossed paths with each other. He would give everything up if she was still here, with him, raising Jack.

He still has Haley's first video about Jack on his phone. Haley’s first text engraved on his phone, back to when they were just high schoolers, not knowing what to do or how to act. Old awkward conversations that started about school subjects, but ended with ‘i love you’. Back when he said it first and when she said it back. The long phone calls when he had been away in law school. Every step of their history was never erased, Aaron wonders if he could do the same with his memories of them. How was he supposed to show Jack how they feel in love using things stored in his phone?

He goes to the living room, trying not to paralyze when the third stair cracks below him, silent footsteps as he makes his way, reminding himself that his father is gone, long gone, only his ghost could have still be residing there, his mother unknowingly bringing him back to life with every pie she baked. He finds Jessica at the counter with an already cold coffee in front of her, a sombrer expression he has seen in the mirror for nearly a year in her face.

“I figured it would be you” Jess had taken up on Jack’s offer to stay with him, just for tonight the child had begged her to stay, she had been offered to stay in all three bedrooms, courtesy of his mother claiming that the old couch was not suitable for anyone's back pain. She had declined the offer, even when Aaron had argued that he knew what a sore back would look like the next morning, he had lived in his office couch for so many nights after Haley had left him, until Derek happened.

He takes a seat next to her, the old kitchen he used to have a quick glass on milk in every morning before school ( it was everything his stomach could really tolerate) had been changed in something more colorful, modern, as if the whole place had been filled of happy memories and activities, “Can’t sleep?”

"It's seems like it" She takes the spoon, mixing the liquid she had inside the cup, it must have been cold by now the sound of the spoon clicking with every side of the mug was the only sound that could be heard in the silence, "I feel like it's my fault that you are back here"

"Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone back" He admits, his head rested on his hands, eyes closed as if he could tune it all out, he could reveal what this house did to him, "when Gideon left, I should have followed right behind him"

"Your work completes you"

He shakes his head, "Haley did" he said he opens his eyes, looks over at Jess, her movements completely stopped, she almost looked frozen hearing Haley's name

They both knew that it wasn't the complete truth, he had tried to separate his work and family time, but people had always needed him first, victims were what he chose over her. Over his family.

"My father has always done this" Jess stops, she lets a tear fall, there isn't anyone beside him here, no Jack who could see her cry all those tears she tries to hold on to as she tells him their stories, "It doesn't feel like a year has passed by"

"I sometimes think that she's right by the door" He admits, countless of days after her death, even before Erin had come into his house to talk about an early retirement he had tough about the possibility of Haley being around the same time she used to come to collect Jack, but she was never the one who drove him back to her, he knew that Jess had taken over that when their divorce was finalized.

“It doesn't feel real right?” Jessica stands, holding onto the cup, rounding the kitchen table, until she is in front of the sink, one water droplet had fallen, there's a little puddle where the water kept coming out even with the sink closed, that was how she felt like after her sister's funeral, knowing very well that she, being the oldest one, was - had- to be the one who died first.

“At what time do we have to be there?” It’s a filler question, he already knows the answer, the little card of a yearly ceremony to host Haley’s death, the words he had stared at when he read that it would be held in his hometown, where she was buried.

“10 a.m.” She puts her coat on, Aaron knows that she can’t stay in this house, if he could, he would walk out of here too, leaving Jack, Sean and his mother sleeping, but facing Roy earlier than he should have scared him to death, knowing that he still blames him for his daughters death, not like he blames himself, but close enough to spend as less time as possible in his presence.

He knows that Jess will be back here when it's brighter outside, early, when the reddish colors of the sky, fight off the darker colors of the night, that she will be there to wake up Jack, with her pajamas put on, the blanket of the couch unmade so he doesn’t think that she left to go to her own home, where her father was waiting up for her. Where Haley’s room still resided, the door closed next to her own, “Goodnight Aaron”

He lays on his bed for the second time in the night, midnight had already passed, he has the new suits he purchased for Jack and him, different for what they would wore almost a year ago in the chair he used to sit in every nights of his school days to study, the pain in his body always had been mortifying to sleep in, so he studied, that way his professors congratulated him with every new achievement, something his parents didn’t care on doing when he brought the grades home.

Jack, he learned that over the months he came to know his son better, would not be a night owl like him, he came to realize that his son loved to sleep in as much as he could, and he could not be happier to comprehend that Jack looked at sleep as a form or rest, instead of escape, it showed that he was, after all that happened trying to make a good job with him.

The last thing he browses over, instead of clicking on an old video that would show memories of a happy Haley, of a real Haley in his phone screen, not the ghost that comes to him some nights. It's Derek’s goodnight message that he clicks on, he had sent a picture of him and Prentiss, legs sprawled in their desks, his face contouring in what looked to be mid laugh as he threw something and Reid, JJ he suppose was the one who had photographed the moment, he sends back a simple ‘I’ll be back as soon as I can’ he knows that Derek would understand it, what he really meant with that, he missed him, but didn’t know how to comfort those feelings.

Tonight, was not supposed to be about him, it was not the correct way to dwell in his feelings for him, what would it meant for them, not when Haley was still present in all the good memories he cherished from his childhood and teenage years. Aaron knows that he'll find a way, someday to think about her, without feeling the burning sensation of tears in his eyes. But for now, the only thing he could muster was some hours left of sleep, hoping to find Haley there, waiting for him to come to her, like he did the first time they met.

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