#circumstances. and its also the fact that he deeply loves his kids and believes hes doing what has to be done (awful evil makes it harder

[sammygender]

its so crazy that what we actually see of the winchesters childhood in the show is INCREDIBLY bleak. just awful. but listening to dean and sam talk about it like even in the later seasons you'd just think they didn't really get on with their parents. as late as season TEN dean is still going 'haha yeah dad raised us right'. like oh my god. dean. you are SO damaged. every single problem you have including all the ones you take out on other people that ruin your life and your relationships can be traced back to ur father using you as perfect son and obedient soldier and surrogate wife and telling you family is everything and sam is selfish and bad for wanting things and still also flying into drunken rages whatever that means and terrifying you. (the way literally one of those things would be insanely damaging and its this mishmash of all which makes everythng like 10000x worse... child abuse squared.... insane). and dude is acting like his dad was like. A bit mean sometimes but essentially a nice guy :) and the show rarely directly comments on this (past like s3 when you get him screaming I DIDNT DESERVE THE SHIT HE PUT ON ME) or on the fact that sam and dean are not whatsoever to be trusted when they talk about their childhoods and it was usally 100x worse than whatever they say. which means i truly think people dont really GET it no matter how much they 'hate john winchester'. but fucking christ it was awful

[jgyapologism]

send a ship ask game xiyao chengyao and chengxian

oooh another one thank u!!

xiyao

my otp tbh. i mean, i wrote an entire fic series about an alternate universe where jgy lives, just so i could keep them together. i think that answers that question lmao. but no, like, you don't understand. these two are such a tragedy: they love each other so deeply, yet are kept apart by duty and circumstance, and lxc is someone who jgy is probably the most honest with - but he still withholds - and him withholding from lxc is the one thing that lxc cannot forgive. so when guanyin temple happens, and lxc finds out the truth, he feels betrayed and rejected and like everything between them was a lie and god, he thought that he knew jgy better than anyone else. he thought he was the exception. but jgy can't afford exceptions. can't afford to let anyone too close. experience has taught him to keep people within arm's distance but no closer than that and lxc had thought he was the exception but he wasn't. except that he was - in jgy's eyes - because jgy had never allowed himself to hope for love, to be loved, before lxc.

lxc wanted to know jgy - even the monster bits - but jgy thought he had to wear a mask in order to be loved by him. but lxc just wanted him, darkness and all.

chengyao

ohoho i mean, i love the concept of chengyao as like "two men who are bad at emotions are thrown together by force to help raise this child together" and i just, like to think that over the years, jc had grown to respect - maybe even admire - jgy for his resilience and persistence. b/c those are two traits that jc values highly - and he knows what it means to be resilient and persistent and to build something from scratch. so he admires jgy, and jgy grows to admire jc too, because he sees the way jc had rebuilt his sect from the ground up and how he holds his own against other sect leaders and - there might be a little bit of jealousy there.

so they respect one another, and they have this kid they have to raise together, so they do their best. and maybe jc thinks jl likes jgy better, so there's some hidden resentment, and maybe jgy thinks jc is too harsh on jl, so there's judgment. and they never see eye to eye, but they do their best - for jl.

but then guanyin temple happens and jgy puts the garrote around jl's neck - his own nephew - and jc loses every ounce of respect he has for jgy. even if all of his other atrocities didn't seal his fate - him using the garrote on jl did it for him.

but man. before all that - these two raising jl together?? peak comedy. 100/10 never getting over it. they are a small, broken family but jc and jgy are both tenacious as hell and like hell they're gonna let this boy suffer like they did. that's why jl is so spoiled rotten - b/c jgy and jc just can't stand to see him suffer.

chengxian

oh anon. you just opened the floodgates. what can i say about chengxian, the twin prides, the two brothers who have always been at odds, yet refusing to let each other go?

chengxian is the most tragic ship in the entire show. we watch jc and wwx grow up together. we see their brotherhood and their friendship. we see how loyal and dedicated and fond they are of one another. but we also see the cracks and fissures between them: the way jfm dotes on wwx and the parallel hatred yzy has for wwx; the way jc always felt responsible for wwx; the fact that jc may have been wwx's superior in title but everyone who saw them knew wwx was smarter and stronger ; and the resentment that dug its way inside jc's chest and made him bitter.

but jc had always thought - believed - that wwx would choose him over everything else - except maybe jyl - and he clung to their brotherhood like a lifeline. he thought wwx was his ride or die.

but then the wen's destroy the jiang sect. they kill jc's parents. and jc blames wwx for everything - but still, even then, he sacrifices himself to save wwx, and they tear out jc's core (and wwx saves him too late and sacrifices his own core to save jc but jc doesn't know this until years later and its too late and everything is festered and ugly between them) and the wen's throw wwx into the burial mounds and he thinks wwx is dead and that it was all for nothing.

wwx goes to the burial mounds - and that, that changes things entirely. it changes wwx, b/c now he's coreless and weak and he's had to survive.

and then they meet again - after jc spends months with someone he hates just looking for his brother, clinging to some shred of hope that he's still alive - and wwx is different. but they still try to act like everything is the same; that nothing has changed. except that everything has.

and then wwx chooses the wens. he chooses the wens - the very same sect who murdered their family - over jc. over family. and something inside jc finally breaks.

he gives up on wwx. gives up on their brotherhood. meanwhile wwx has been begging him to let him go this entire time. and he thinks wwx doesn't care when it's the farthest thing from it, because all wwx wants is for jc to rebuild his sect, and being associated with wwx will only destroy them.

but, these two are Class A noncommunicators. they sacrifice everything for each other time and time again, without any thought to what the other one wants, and if not for wn, wwx would have died holding onto the core secret (edit: hell, he fucking DID in his first life); just like jc will probably die without ever telling wwx that he was the one who distracted the wen guards. that he was the domino that led to all the broken things between them.

this...has gotten impossibly long. but i'll end with this: jc and wwx will never stop loving each other. beneath all of the layers of resentment and bitterness and hatred, there is brotherhood and love and care.

they may be too broken to be fixed in their entirety, but a broken vase can still be glued back together.

[martialartslover7]

Hi! As a NaruHina fan who really enjoyed The Last I thought I’d share a little bit of my feelings on why. I don’t at all think you’re wrong for your opinions and I even deeply agree on some points!! I think it ultimately comes down to how much you’re willing to let slide and what you choose to prioritize and that will be different for every individual.

First off, very superficially, I just really liked how everything looked. Naruto looked amazing, Hinata was gorgeous, and the confession and kiss were so cinematic! As a shipper those were all big wins.

Next, I like the fact that some time passed after the war before they got together. 19 feels like a different level of maturity to 16/17 and it feels like they’re entering the relationship as adults rather than teens which just gives their relationship a bit more believability/validity to me. This definitely has the unfortunate circumstance of making it seem like Naruto ignored her confession and I respect everyone who feels that way. To me however the added time is worth more than him getting together with her after the confession (because I don’t think he properly developed feelings for her then) or them staying in an awkward phase of him not really knowing what to do about her feelings and dating casually or him saying he appreciates what she did but doesn’t feel the same. I can accept that Naruto took her actions and confession as the acts of a friend. And he did acknowledge it in canon when he helped her with the White Zetsus (he mentioned that she’s strong and that she already saved him so he’s returning the favor). Does this have the weight her actions deserved? Probably not but I don’t expect better from Kishimoto when it comes to romance. But again all of this comes down to personal preference.

There is definitely a buy in to the movie where you have to accept that the “falling in love” already happened and it happened off screen. You’re only here to see the “getting together” part of it. That’s why I don’t take the genjutsu as a guilt trip where he sees everything Hinata did for him and falls for her because of it. Rather I see it as him gaining clarity on Hinata’s feelings and being able to then recognize his own (that had already developed prior to the genjutsu but we just didn’t get to see any of that).

And I definitely don’t think that makes for the most satisfying romantic plot or development, but it’s serviceable enough and it makes sense. Again I’m not going to Kishimoto when I want romance, I’ll go to fanfics instead. And I did like the casual moments of them exploring the city and Naruto seeing Hinata through this new lens after acknowledging his feelings. I liked Hinata rejecting Naruto to save Hanabi, I think that’s a good moment for her character in showing her selflessness and her priorities. I also loved the red scarf and its symbolism as the red thread of fate.

I don’t love how much Hinata was a damsel but I get they were going for common romance tropes 🤷‍♀️. At least she looked good in every scene so I’ll take what I can get.

I don’t think The Last is excellent writing or the pinnacle of what NaruHina should be but for the timing they had, I thought it was a fun time with some really excellent scenes. And even if everything actually sucked, the post credits scene with Naruto smiling with the most joy he’s ever shown while his kids jump onto him meant EVERYTHING to me.

Sorry for the word vomit 😅. You’re of course welcome to continue disliking the the movie but since your post was in the ship tag and you seemed curious about why people would feel otherwise I thought I’d offer a bit of my perspective.

Everything you say, is perfectly valid. All my complaints are rooted in a place, way deeper than the ship itself. It's everything else leading up to the movie. Let me list it up:

- The Hyuga being absolutely shafted in Shippuden, causing Hinata to become completely irrelevant as a standalone character, she deserved to be part of the main cast, since she and Sasuke shared similar grievances in family issues

- I am not comfortable with ships, where the overall power dynamic is completely out of whack, not necessarily in terms of power scaling, moreover, on front that, Shippuden shafted every Hyuga so hard, it made Hinata more of a satellite character, making her come off as an "add-on" to Naruto, and nothing of her own merit

- WHY. THE FUCK. DID NEJI. DIE? That was easily, the lowest point of Shippuden to me (it just contradicts Naruto's entire convo with Neji, again, undermining everything to paint Naruto as if he was always meant to be the next Jesus Christ), and further cements the fact that, Neji and Hinata just got pushed into a position, where every single of their own achievements amounted to nothing in the end, with everything hinging purely on Naruto in the end

- The Hyuga clan never changed for the better, even after the war arc, all of Hiashi's crimes are swept under the rug after the fact, painting it as if Hinata's own sorrows and issues meant chicken shit, I know she doesn't exactly owe the clan anything for mistreating her, but it's still OOC for her, because she is supposed to be above just being selfish for the sake of it, and even if this wasn't the intention, the fact it was never spoken about, really irks me

This is my main gripe with all of it. EVERYTHING has to hinge on Naruto, and again, all of Hinata's character growth meant nothing in the end, because she still ended up becoming a damsel in distress. A trope, that is NOT welcome with her.

[fundeadasylum]

hi! feel free to answer or disregard, but I was curious about your thoughts on splinter's parenting in rise. i have seen some... very strong takes from every direction. it was quite different than other iterations, so i'd love your thoughts/opinions! (Also, Tales from the Med Bay has been super fun so far!)

Thhhaaaaaatttt is a question I feel I am not 100% qualified to answer.

In fact, I tend to stay out of the Good Parent Splinter/Bad Parent Splinter thing because it's such a sensitive subject matter and gets a lot of people hot under the collar. I can give some thoughts on the matter, talk a little mental health, but I don't really want to take a stance on either side. And I don't want to get into an argument with anyone over this kind of thing.

Disclaimer right off the bat: I am neither a parent nor a mental health professional. All I am is a 31 year old nerd who has Been Through Some Shit. Also apologies for the long post.

I think Splinter has a lot of deep seeded trust issues and has a lot of trouble connecting with others because of this. I think the "betrayals" he's suffered--his mother leaving, his grandfather's pressure about the family legacy, and Big Mama's literal betrayal--have left him waiting for another shoe to drop and for another betrayal to stab him in the back, whether he realizes it or not. I think both of these things have deeply impacted his ability to connect with, let alone raise, his sons. I think he is a man made selfish, bitter, lonely, and sad by the circumstances of his life.

And if we're going into the rabbit hole of Good Parent Splinter/Bad Parent Splinter, then you have to start talking about every iteration of Splinter. Because I feel it's not fair to say something like "Rise Splinter is the worst parent" when almost every version of Splinter have used their sons to carry their own agenda at some point.

I'm not particularly fond of IDW Splinter. I think the choices he made and the way he treats his sons are Not Good. I might understand WHY he made those choices but I don't think they were the RIGHT ones. I think there were better ways to do the things he did. Am I going to call him a bad parent? Perhaps not. He still raised his sons and did his best to make sure they were safe and healthy. I just don't like how he went about it.

Rise Splinter has been dealt with one of the worst hands in the TMNT multiverse. He's been betrayed and back stabbed at almost every turn in his life. Adopting the turtles was probably the first thing that brought a smile to his face in a very long time. I genuinely believe Splinter loves those boys with all his heart. But he doesn't know how to raise kids. He grew up being told about destiny and duty, all of it carrying the bitter sting of losing his mother (something which undoubtedly left a massive, traumatizing scar that was never fully addressed). He didn't want that for his sons and I think he was worried about being overbearing, about crushing their freedom, and about becoming too much like the person he thought his grandfather was. It's why he never actually trained them and the boys are essentially self taught until much later in the series. But I think he pulled too far back in an effort to give them freedom. He was so worried about smothering them, and trying to deal with his own issues, and unknowingly bracing for another betrayal that he withdrew from their lives without meaning to.

Rise is, at its core, about family and connections. Every major problem that the turtles have faced has been resolved because of family. Even the Shredder was just family that got too deep into something and desperately needed help. Rise is a show that says "you do not (and sometimes cannot) do this alone". I mean, it literally says "you are not alone". It's a huge motif in the show. We've seen how badly things go when characters try to do things on their own, or when they don't listen to or support their family.

And before I get off topic into over analyzing things, let's wrap this back up to Splinter.

Do I think Splinter is a good or bad parent?

I think that's a question too complicated to answer. I think parenting is too hard to easily fit into categories like that, especially if you aren't taking the parent's health into consideration. I think from an outside perspective, to anyone who didn't know Splinter's backstory, he would come across as neglectful and somewhat absent. Do I think he could be a better parent? Absolutely. But I don't feel like I'm the person who can decide whether he's Good or Bad. I don't think you can decide. I don't think there's an absolute answer. I think there are only opinions.

TL;DR - when it comes to the Good Parent Splinter/Bad Parent Splinter argument, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer and it's not something that can be easily answered. And I don't have an opinion either way. I think he was a man who was Trying.

(And thank you so much for reading Tales from the Med Bay! They've been a lot of fun to write!)

[bidonica]

“Stannis craves love and approval” is this just in romantic relationships or in general? He seems to want Roberts love and approval a lot. also renly’s approval- is that out of love or wanting obedience do you think? And with no father but also no mother or female figure in his life more marriage. Do you think he’d be the same if he had a sister? Or do you think he’d be too sexist to be close to her even if she gave him love and probably?

I don't think Stannis *necessarily* wants romantic love, but as you noted, he grew up without a normal support system, on top of literally witnessing his parents die. I believe Stannis loved his brothers deeply, and his tragedy is that not only their personalities don't naturally align with his (though being different doesn't mean being incompatible; sometimes it's quite the contrary), but circumstances worked to exacerbate a divide that, in an ideal world, might not have gotten that deep. Instead, Stannis got parentified more than Robert, who got the chance to fuck off to the Vale where he found surrogate father and brother figures in Jon Arryn and Ned Stark. Stannis was the one who had to hold the family castle during an excruciating siege, making difficult choices. Stannis was the one who looked after little Renly. More often than not, he found himself in the position of head of the family, while getting none of the recognition and all of the responsibility. He sacrificed the kid who cared about crippled animals to become the man he was asked to be - by Robert, by society at large (something something the real enemy is the patriarchy and it doesn't only hurt women) - hard, unbending, and with thick emotional walls built around him. And it's not paying dividends. His older brother died without actual legitimate heirs and his younger brother thought nothing better than to seize the chance to try and jump to the front of the succession line, just because he's good at PR.

It's not just infuriating for Stannis as a blow to his pride and blatant disregard of the laws their whole political system hinges on, it's the depressing realization that he's basically no one's first choice, not even of the brother he helped raise. An awful lot of his political support is actually brought in by his Florent wife, who has better connections than him - the theoretical prince of Dragonstone. We see only two people *believing* in Stannis: first Davos, and then Melisandre. The fact that she is so stalwart in her belief that Stannis is the Chosen One, and without asking anything in return (now she is the one living the ascetic life in her own way) is something that's pretty much unprecedented in Stannis' life. That's why I think he fell for it pretty easily - though "fell for it" is a bit unfair to Mel, since she also sincerely believes in her mission. Too bad she's wrong. And yeah I think that the fact that he got some sort of companionship out of having her by his side was a plus for Stannis, though he will never admit it. But that's Stannis, he wants things but can't even admit it to himself, which is true even in its darker permutation, because he essentially committed kinslaying by proxy, and he can lie to himself but deep down he's bearing that guilt. I bet that's what's consuming him besides his body taking the toll for being involved in shadowbinding.

As for a hypothetical sister… I don’t know, too many variables. What kind of person would she be? Would she love him, hate him, make fun of him? I think that might influence their theoretical relationship more than her gender.

[kitacco]

everybody loves somebody.

pairing: fem!reader, kazutora hanemiya (timeskip!).

genre: angst. 

summary: is there a difference between the love a friendship holds, and the love someone in love feels?

cw: none.

wordcout: 6.8k.

kazutora taps his shoes against the pavement in front of the shop.

it’s cloudy, surprisingly, since it was the middle of summer, and just yesterday the sun had crawled into kazutora’s skin, stinging enough for him to cause a ruckus— which he didn’t, of course, there were a few customers and kids inside the shop for him to curse the nature like that. he had done it once though, and his boss had made sure he not only apologized, but deeply regretted it too.

he wasn’t really a fan of summer, that was true. sunny days weren’t that fun, but cloudy, cold days weren’t any better.

still, the clouds were the least of his worries, only that kazutora didn’t want to admit it out loud.

it was his birthday, and in any other circumstances, that would’ve been fun. although turning twenty seven surely wasn’t something kazutora wanted to be reminded of all day, there was something else that he so tried to push to the back of his head.

chifuyu is moping around the shop - a little accident with the cats, though nothing too tedious. kazutora was gonna take care of it, but chifuyu insisted that it was his special day, so he didn’t have to worry about it. kazutora caught on the act: the constant fidgeting with his watch, the fact chifuyu seemed to be waiting for a call or a text, checking his phone every ten minutes, and the way he could not sit down for a minute. driving kazutora a little bit crazy, he decided to ignore whatever the guy was planning, because he knew he was surely hiding something.

kazutora retreats to the shop. chifuyu is nowhere to be found, and he can hear the loud meowing of a kitten on the back. sighing, kazutora walks over the cat's aisle, just to make sure they’re okay.

as he does, he hears steps behind his back, but he’s not quick to check, and instead, his eyes are covered with two petite hands (or rather fingers that push his eyes a little too hard), cold hands that make him jolt.

“guess who.”

kazutora frowns, recognizing your voice right away. with much more force than what you could gather, kazutora pushes your hands off his face, turning to meet you, confused, and surely surprised.

you’re startled by his reaction, your hands sliding off his broad shoulders, a small, naughty small pulling at the corners of your lips.

“you’re cold,” is the first thing he says, getting a hold of your bare arms.

that’s not what he wants to say upon seeing you, but he’s more worried about the fact you are wearing a summer dress on such a wintry day. it’s not like the sun had hidden in the middle of the day; you had deliberately decided to put on a thin dress despite the very obvious color of the sky that morning.

but this wasn’t anything new for him; the first time he met you, something similar happened.

kind of.

the first time kazutora met you he swore you could’ve come out of the cheesiest, goofiest romantic comedy ever made (kazutora knew many of those).

you weren’t exactly wearing what would one call wedding-friendly attire; more like something you would’ve worn for the club or a really crazy party.

kazutora thought his eyes popped out of its sockets the moment he saw you climb up the stage. surely you had been the talk of the night, not only for your extravagant choice in your attire (a dress too tight and too short for a wedding reception) but also for your silly, a little too revealing speech for whom kazutora found out was your best friend. her spouse didn’t seem too entertained, maybe scared of what you were saying, but kazutora could tell your friend was just like you, and he couldn’t help but laugh.

kazutora wasn’t really the casanova people believed he was. he was too quiet for anyone to approach him, and too naive for anyone to try anything other than casual hookups. he was probably too easy, that’s what he would sometimes call himself after another failed date he would tell chifuyu all about. he was unlucky, and too eager for appreciation, sometimes getting on tight situations he should’ve never found himself in the first place. his last date, he had to gather his clothes and run out of a date’s building to avoid her boyfriend coming in and finding out his girlfriend had been cheating on him, and somehow, on kazutora too.

still, kazutora couldn’t help it; he was a hopeless romantic, sadly.

he didn’t show it much, of course, he wished to keep these fantasies a secret from his friends; it’d be too embarrassing for anyone to find out how much kazutora longed for a loving relationship. it was kind of silly, maybe, after all, he was twenty seven, way past the kind of love he dreamt of, and unless he wanted to get stepped on by twenty year old girls that only wanted to take a ride on his bike and trace his tattoo, kazutora decided it would be better to give up the search for a perfect love. 

until he met you.

he was tipsy, a little, but enough for his confidence to go up. he was wearing nice clothes and nice cologne, he would’ve been a massive idiot for missing out on the opportunity, he kept telling himself as he watched you on the other side of the salon. 

you were drinking champagne by your own, looking down at your phone with your lips pursed. unfortunately, kazutora noticed the scowl on your face too late, as you looked up, waiting for him to speak.

you didn’t seem too happy, and he almost spun over his heel, ready to babler out whatever excuse he could come up with so he could leave, when you asked him if he could drive you home. kazutora, too dazed, nodded his head, and so you followed him out of the place.

your change in mood was drastic, and you and kazutora strolled through the entrance towards the parking lot, kazutora was trying to change the speech he had planned to give you before things went the other way.

you chuckle, suddenly to kazutora’s dismay, watching the motorcycle kazutora jumped over.

“i can call a friend for his car if—”

“no,” you smiled, despite the tears kazutora could clearly see, dried on the apple of your cheeks. you chuckled again, walking next to the vehicle. “i think i need help, though.”

kazutora, with trembling hands and determined focus, placed his hands on each side of your waist, and you mechanically pressed yours over his shoulders, perhaps scared of falling off. but he was gentle, and patient, as with his force, managed to seat you over his motorcycle in one movement.

he jumped back, and a little too shy, grabbed your hands that kept lingering over his figure, wrapping them around his torso. “i won’t go fast, i promise.”

you laughed, shaking your head as kazutora sent a look back, to make sure you were alright. you pushed closer to his figure, as much as you could, your cheek pressed against his back and hands interlocked together over his stomach.

kazutora drove painfully slowly, but he would be lying if he were to say it was because he didn’t want you to get scared; heck, if anything, kazutora would’ve attempted to get your address mixed up a few times in hopes of keeping you close like this. but he didn’t, well aware of the damping of his shirt after he’d given you his jacket.

he parked outside of your apartment, and although the vehicle had halted long ago, you still hadn’t let go of him. kazutora heard it, subtle, barely a whisper, your sobbing. and so he stayed for a few minutes, letting you cry over his blades, with your body impossibly close to his, too flustered to know exactly what to do, or what to say.

kazutora met you just a few months after he’d been dispatched, maybe around ten or eleven months. his hair was still dark, barely reaching his shoulders, and sometimes, a little too clouded with his own emotions to acknowledge those around him. until that night, when kazutora, for the first time comforted you, in silence, and yeah, without saying a single reassuring word, he comforted you (you told him that when you met him again). that’s how everything started, when you finally straightened up, laughing as if nothing was happening, and brushing the tears off your face. you jumped off his motorcycle—although with his help, once again, and waving your hand goodbye to the unknown man that had offered you a shoulder to cry on.

that night kazutora also found out your hands tended to get cold, something he learnt was normal after the many times he met you after that, when you’d swiftly touch his skin with your fingers in a habit you had accustomed kazutora to.

he fell in love with you that night; love at first sight like he’d ever dreamt.

he fell in love again the day he met you again, like the fate kazutora had longed for.

when you entered the same store he was in, with your melodical laugh and light that nobody can ignore even if they were to try. he saw you walking through every hallway of the place, afraid, embarrassed to approach you. because you couldn’t possibly remember him, right? you were drunk, and that night your vision blurred because of the tears you shed. he looked a little different too, he’d changed his look a little, and that day, the tattoo you maybe had noticed was covered by a collared shirt and long strands of hair. but you didn’t recognize him for his tattoo, or his look, or the fact he was wearing the exact same jacket he gave you that night. and when kazutora spun around and you stood there, with the same smile you gifted him this day, on his birthday, kazutora realized just how deep in love he was.

“i can’t believe he didn’t give you the day off,” you scoffed, talking loud enough for his boss, chifuyu, to hear.

kazutora grinned, shaking his head. “he didn’t, i asked him to let me work for the day.”

you tilted your head, blinking slowly as to show your disapproval. he didn’t get to say why, when you quickly grabbed his hand and pulled, kazutora too weak to your touch, following after you.

“we’re leaving!”

chifuyu appears between the shelves, with that teasing smile of his—a smile only kazutora took note of.

it was really hard, and everytime you placed your head on his chest or grabbed his face with both your hands in such loving manners, kazutora’s heart jumped. he tried so hard to push the feelings aside, reminding himself the position he was in, and the place he held in your life. he couldn’t waste it, and if having to watch you go out every few weeks in another date that would end up with you crashing back at his place and complaining about it, he could take it all.

but time was running out, and after three years of a beautiful friendship, kazutora realized he was digging himself a hole too deep for him to get out of his one; so far deep that one day he would have to scream out for help, and you would have to hear him.

maybe that’s why he’s so jittery to see you, in that summer dress and with your hair falling over your back, smiling at him with such love kazutora was stupefied for a second. as if the two of you were more than mere friends.

“w—weren’t you supposed to be on a date?”

“and completely forget my best friend’s birthday? who do you think i am?” you laugh, grabbing his wrist between your fingers. you approach his motorcycle, grabbing the helmet he’d bought for you.

best friend, of course. kazutora couldn’t forget that; he wasn’t a simple friend to you anymore. you held him in a position much higher than anybody in your life. he was your best friend, the one that’d pat your back in the night and let you cry your heart out, or the one that’d fight against the slumber to hear you talk his ears out. kazutora was special for you, and you always reminded him how much. but you were special to him too; only that not in the same manner.

was the love he felt for you stronger? greater, larger? a love one feels for their loved ones is far greater than a simple liking towards someone, but is there a difference between the love a friendship holds, or the love someone in love feels? kazutora wasn’t sure. 

“you look a little distracted,” you mutter as you wait for kazutora to jump into his vehicle.

kazutora looks up, an apologetic smile forming on his lips. “sorry, i was just thinking.”

“about what?”

kazutora falls quiet. he knows he can’t lie to you, but he also knows you won’t give up a question easily. 

luckily for him, his emotions weren’t the only thing weighing on his mind.

“your date,” kazutora says.

you chuckle, looking down. kazutora looks down, and notices the design on your painted nails, small hearts on the tips of your fingernails. those are new, he thinks, and then wonders if you got them done for your special date.

you’d been talking about it for a while; he was perfect!

some guy still studying, but with a car and his own place. you kept going on about how smart he was (kazutora isn’t sure if he was a computer engineer or a software engineer, and he felt bad about it, knowing he probably ignored it), and how attentive he was. he was perfect for you! he was nice, and would call you before sleep, and he would drive you around and would always tell you how pretty you looked that day. despite a few dates, the guy had you wrapped around his finger, and everyday, kazutora thought you were more and more in love with the guy.

so, why were you there, with him?

“told him i had a very important occurrence today,” you simply said. “he understands.”

“are you sure?” kazutora scratches the back of his neck. “does he know that—”

“kazutora, get on the bike, will you? i made reservations and if we lose them i’ll get furious,” you sing, but kazutora knows the threat has a connotation, so he does as told.

kazutora spends the afternoon of his birthday with you. although you try to keep it a secret, kazutora can’t help questioning every once in a while, and with all the patience in the world, you tell him everything you want to do. and so you insist on getting him a new shirt—like those he likes so much although you find it a little ridiculous, and then, the both of you enter a rather fine looking restaurant, where you insist you will pay for.

“i have one last gift for you,” you mutter, after both of you are done with your food.

dessert is coming, and the atmosphere of the place is making kazutora’s spin. he feels strange, sitting across you, with your beautiful hair and makeup and nails node, with a twinkling in your eyes and a smile so big he wonders if your cheeks hurt. and he sits there, watching you, imagining that’s what that other guy must feel like, taking you out any opportunity he gets, and spoiling you and getting to remind you how beautiful you are. 

kazutora watches as you slide a box across the table, and you bite your lip, suddenly feeling shy. kazutora cocks an eyebrow, chuckling.

“you shouldn’t--”

“hurry! i wanna know what you think,” you wave your hand, gesturing for him to hurry.

kazutora breathes, taking a hold of the box. a black box with a white small ribbon on top of it. carefully, he pulls one side of it, and then, he lifts the top of the box.

kazutora huffs out, gasping. the box reveals a beautiful black watch, with a few details in silver. a hand covers his mouth, a little too surprised by the object. it’s beautiful, and big, and probably too expensive, and kazutora doesn’t know what to say.

“you really shouldn’t have--”

“when i saw it i knew it had to be yours,” you say, watching him carefully. 

you can’t help the huge grin on your face as you watch kazutora try on the watch. you help him get it on, and kazutora continues to watch it with admiration. 

“thank you,” kazutora finally manages to say, still shocked.

“you’re welcome,” you laugh, pressing your cheek against the palm of your hand.

the two of you leave the restaurant, and after you pay, and then slide your card back into your bag, kazutora feels an urge to grab your hand and walk you to his motorcycle. but he can’t, as he watches you walk on your own, chattering about something he can’t bring himself to focus on, not anymore.

it’s already dark outside, and it’s cold, but you are heated up, almost excited, as you tell him to hurry up and drive you back to his place. kazutora doesn’t really question it, following your orders as you wrap your arms around his waist and place your cheeks against his back, like you always do.

in a red light before his place, kazutora notices the blue light reflecting against your face, and the noise of your nails tapping against the screen. 

the lights of his apartment seem off, and kazutora wonders for a second where his roommate is; but you don’t leave too much space for him to question the situation, and grabbing his wrist once again, you run upstairs to his place.

“where’s chifuyu?” kazutora asks you, trailing after you upstairs.

“i don’t know, he said something about going out for tonight.”

kazutora heats up.

chifuyu didn’t tell him anything about that, why did he told you? not only that, was that supposed to mean, the two of you were gonna be alone at his place?

kazutora shook his head. it’s not like he needed chifuyu there, the two of you had spent a few nights alone at your place, at least. but his would be the first time, and he felt a little unsure if he’d be able to keep his mouth shut for the night. for some reason, the night felt different, and it’s almost like kazutora heart wanted to jump out of his system and scream at the top of his lungs how in love he was with you. but he couldn’t, and he shouldn’t.

but for some reason, every year, for his birthday, kazutora realized just how deep down he was.

“go on,” you whisper, for some reason. kazutora frowns, but then he realizes you’re waiting for him to open the door.

kazutora approaches the door, and inserts the key inside the lock. careful and slowly, he pushes the door open. the apartment is completely dark, and there’s absolutely no noise coming from outside. kazutora enters his apartment in short and calculated straddles, suddenly feeling off.

he doesn’t get too much peace, as suddenly, the lights turn on and a few of his friends jump from their hiding spots--along chifuyu, and scream loudly his name and happy birthday.

kazutora stares with a hand to his chest, and then he shakes his head smiling as everyone approaches him to congratulate him.

“that was perfect,” chifuyu whispers to you, still by the entrance.

you chuckle, closing the door with your feet. “i told you, i’m the best.”

chifuyu watches you as you cross the room towards the stereo. he shakes his head, grinning.

the party starts in no time, and kazutora is rushed to some shots and a few vodka glasses he surely despises. it’s not that full, but the music surely makes the space feel smaller as people start dancing around chifuyu and his’ shared flat. he searches for you every once in a while, but it’s like you’ve disappeared out of nowhere. he doesn’t get to ask for you though, as more shots come around.

kazutora is not that drunk though, surprisingly, he has a pretty good tolerance to alcohol. that and the fact he’s tried to throw away every cup that’s been sent his way. he’d stopped getting drunk out of his mind after the second time he did it, when he completely blacked out and threw up for at least an entire day. kazutora realized then that drinking wasn’t as fun as he’d imagined.

he’s seated by the couch, a little dizzy. he believes he’s reached his limit, and feels a little eager for a cigarette.

that’s how he notices you across the room.

you were drunk, out of your mind, kazutora notices as he watches you dance around, stumbling left and right and babbling about everything and anything. 

it’s like you had lost him too, because when you notice him sitting on the couch, you run over him.

you slid by his side, a little too close to him. but it doesn’t seem to be enough for you, as you place your legs over his knee.

“you look really handsome tonight,” you whisper, but only for him to hear. your lips brush against his ears, and kazutora shivers.

“having fun?” he asks.

“all in your name,” you say, and laugh. “did you notice the cocktails? i called this guy especially for you, he makes amazing cocktails, did you try some? i did, they were good!”

kazutora could tell you had tried, a lot, actually.

you weren’t really good with alcohol, but cocktails were surely your guilty pleasure, and since the alcohol was barely there, you could drink and drink without noticing you were getting drunk. he was always careful with that, but that night, you had disappeared from his sight, and he didn’t think it was polite to ignore his friends to babysit you around.

kazutora clears his throat, trying to shift on the couch, but you are faster, and little by little, you position yourself over his lap. kazutora bites his tongue, raising his hands to avoid touching you. you placed your legs on each side of his waist, and your hands fell over his chest, playing with the necklace you had given him that day for his last birthday, a simple gold chain that slipped through your fingers as you drunkenly laughed. you tilted your head, and suddenly, your focus was not on his necklace anymore.

“you look really, really handsome tonight,” you repeat, serious out of a sudden.

kazutora watches you, unsure of what you’re thinking or what you’re planning to do.

“are you tired?” he asks, brushing your sides with his hands, still debating whether to get you off him or wait for you to do it yourself.

you don’t move, and your hands snake past his neck, resting on the back of the couch behind him. you grab onto the couch, shifting over his body, your hair falling over one side of your shoulders. kazutora looks down, pulling on the hem of your dress that has risen over your thighs. 

“i want to kiss you,” you mumble; clear enough for kazutora to understand.

kazutora barely gets to register the honesty in your words, and you don’t wait for an answer, placing your weight over your knees, you grab kazutora’s neck and press your lips over his, in such a hungry kiss kazutora wasn’t sure if his greed was overtaking him.

it wasn’t; it was all you. you were kissing him, like your life depended on it. as if you’d wanted to do so for so long you couldn’t contain yourself anymore. and kazutora could taste the lemon on your tongue, and the whiskey in the corners of your lips. you moan against his mouth as your body falls back over his lip, your hands sliding off his neck towards his waist. kazutora jumps and tries to push your mouth away, but your hands grab his neck again, keeping him in place. kazutora opens an eye, to make sure no one can see the two of you.

you pull away, a string of saliva still connecting the two of you. you laugh, shaking your head.

“you’re surprisingly a good kisser,” you whisper, and you attempt to press your lips against him again. kazutora is faster this time, moving his face slightly.

you pout pressing your mouth against his cheek. his hands no longer phantom over your figure, instead, they press steadily over your hips, and kazutora wraps your legs around his waist, jumping off the couch with you in his arms.

his heart is thumping against his ribcage, so loud and so hard he’s in pain. he’s managed to get you in his bed and secure you under the sheets, but he’s still shaken.

the moment your head hits the pillow, you’re out, luckily, but kazutora can’t seem to forget, as he sits on the edge of the bed, still shaking.

he kissed you--or you did. but he did; after all that time dreaming, only fantasizing over how it’d feel, he finally got to experience it; he kissed you. 

kazutora slides off the bed, leaning against the mattress of his bed. his mind is fuzzy and his heart doesn’t seem to stop its rapid beating anytime soon; he’s still shaken up.

he can’t stop thinking about it, the way you held him so tightly, as if you didn’t want him to let you go, ever. and your taste, how could he even try to forget something as addictive as your taste? 

kazutora’s mind went through every possibility. was he supposed to tell you? was he supposed to act like nothing happened? was he supposed to wait for you to bring it up? was he supposed to bury this in the back of his mind, and never mention it?

but, how could he? when that kiss was everything kazutora had ever dreamt about. you had gave him a kiss kazutora could never forget even if he tried; despite the alcohol and the rather sloppy movement of your lips, or the gripping of his neck and the fact anyone could’ve watched the two of you--that didn’t matter to kazutora.

it was like in movies he’d heard. the world surely had stopped the moment you connected the two of you with your lips impatiently. the moment you held him in your arms, and acted as if he’d was the only person there. just like the movies, kazutora thought.

he sighs, turning his head to watch you sleep--wondering if you’ll confess your feelings for him tomorrow, like in the movies. because drunk words were sober truths, right? which meant, you surely kissed him because you’d wanted for a while, right?

only that, kazutora forgets his life is not a movie.

because when he wakes up the following morning, you’re nowhere to be found.

kazutora runs out his bedroom, searching every room in his apartment.

“something happened?”

chifuyu is standing by the kitchen counter, a mug on his hand and his hair a little too messy.

surprisingly, the place doesn’t look as trashed as he’d imagined. but his friend surely does.

“did you see her go?”

chifuyu frowns, at first not understanding the question. “who?”

kazutora runs back to his room, grabbing his phone.

he tries, again and again, and everytime, the line goes off. was your phone out of battery? impossible. he clearly remembers charging your phone the night before. were you in classes? impossible, he surely doesn’t remember you having early morning classes. plus, you never turned your phone off.

kazutora decides to brush it off, unsure if he should tell his friend about the previous incident of last night. and so he goes off to work.

he tries again. he leaves text after text, and call after call. there’s no way you’re ignoring him, right?

were you busy, perhaps? kazutora wanted to believe so. there was no way you were trying to ignore him, he hadn’t done anything to you, right?

unless you could clearly recall the kiss.

kazutora watches as you walk out of your university. he wasn’t able to take the silence, deciding to pick you up at school, and hopefully, find out what was happening. he didn’t try to entertain the thoughts, knowing he was probably overthinking. nothing happened after all, just a kiss, plus, you kissed him. you’d wanted to, right?

kazutora waves his hand, hoping you’d notice him. and you do, but instead of approaching him, you run towards a black car parked not far ago.

your date’s car.

kazutora decides not to think much about it. maybe you didn’t actually notice him, you had pretty bad vision. you were probably looking for him, it was fine. 

only that it wasn’t.

did you not remember the kiss? you probably didn’t, and kazutora shouldn’t bring it up, right? 

did that mean you were serious with this guy? why didn’t you tell him then?

like that days, and weeks pass by. you barely answer his texts, and not a single call is responded by you. kazutora doesn’t know what to say, and he’s not sure if he can ask chifuyu about it. he decides not to, unsure if you do remember the kiss, or if it was something he’d have to keep a secret for the rest of his life.

still, he wasn’t sure how long he could keep up without you and your unusual silence.

kazutora is standing outside the shop, a cigarette dangling between his fingers.

he’d quit smoking a few months before, promising you he’d stop. he didn’t like it much either anymore; you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes and he didn’t like to bother you with them. 

that day was different; kazutora didn’t know how long he could go without at least one. only that after the first, a few minutes later he had to come out for the second, and then, he found himself on the last hours of his shift with the sixth cigarette on his lips.

it was turning dark, and there were no stars shining on the sky. it was cold, and kazutora was almost sure it’d start raining anytime. he only wished he’d get home before that, or else he’d get there all wet, and he surely didn’t want that.

kazutora was holding his phone in his free hand. he hadn’t texted you in two days, nor called you. deciding to give you a little time, kazutora decided to let you come back yourself. he would only text once a day to ask if you were okay. but after the constant ‘read’ marks under each of his texts, kazutora grew a little frustrated. he didn’t know what was going on, and he wanted to believe you were busy, probably with exams, probably with the guy you were hanging out with.

but that afternoon kazutora was eager to hear your voice, to hear an explanation, a reason why, something. he was growing tired of waiting, and your indifference, as if he’d done something wrong.

he had no doubt; you remembered the kiss. yeah, you kissed him but that was it, why were you making such a big fuss about it?

why were you ignoring him, when he hadn’t done anything wrong?

with those sentiments, kazutora pressed the phone against his ear, tapping his foot against the pavement rapidly.

“hello?”

kazutora froze. you had answered, finally. 

“hey,” kazutora speaks, frowning. “you answered.”

there’s a silence, a painfully long silence.

“i’m sorry,” you say, and kazutora sighs, as if a weight was lifted off his shoulders. “who’s this?”

as he’d predicted, rain starts to pour, loudly. he can hear it, despite the furious beating of his heart against his ear. he can hear the raindrops, heavily falling over the concrete under his feet. and your breathing too, on the other line.

“it’s me.”

he doesn’t have to tell you; you pick up on it quickly.

you had deleted his number in a spur. after those two days he hadn’t texted you, you had deleted his phone, deciding to move on.

but kazutora hadn’t moven on yet, and it was his turn now.

“kazutora--”

“are we gonna talk about it?”

kazutora closes his eyes; he didn’t mean to sound like that. as if he were angry with you, but he wished he was. he wished he was furious, upset with you. you deserved to feel his anger somehow, sentiments of despair he’s felt, and that now exacerbated after finding out you had deleted his phone number, as if he wasn’t someone special to you once.

“we have nothing to talk about.”

kazutora’s hand brushes over his face, rapidly. you hear his breathing, heavy, on the other line.

“about the night of my birthday, you’ve ignored me since then.”

“we have nothing to talk about,” you repeat. “i’m sorry kazutora, i’m busy.”

“don’t do this to me,” kazutora whispers.

you fall silent, and kazutora shuts his eyes, he sees stars under his eyelids. he doesn’t want to react the wrong way, he doesn’t want to spur out against you, but he’s not sure what you’re expecting from him. he’s not sure what you’re thinking, for the first time, and he’s not sure what exactly you’re trying to do.

“i’m hanging up.”

“let’s talk, please,” kazutora pleads.

kazutora parks his motorcycle outside your apartment. he texts you he’s there, and waits for you to go meet him in the parking lot. you told him he couldn’t come up to your place, and kazutora, hoping to meet you again, accepted.

he was cold, and it was still raining. he’d forgotten to bring an umbrella once you agreed to meet him, running out of the shop in hopes to see you again. kazutora hadn’t noticed how dependant he’d become to you until he saw you walking through the gate, in a big sweatshirt and a scowl in your face.

you were holding an umbrella, but instead of approaching him, you stood on the sidewalk, holding the umbrella over your own head.

“what is it?” you ask.

kazutora realizes you do not want to be there. but he doesn’t understand why. what did he do for you to push him away like this?

kazutora clears his throat, attempting to walk over you, but you were quick to take a step back. you didn’t want him to approach you, kazutora noted.

“you left,” kazutora starts. “that morning, you didn’t say anything.”

“i had classes.”

“and you didn’t call or text, to tell me if you were alright.”

you take a look back, as if you were waiting for someone to appear behind you. 

“i forgot.”

“you forgot to text me for a month?”

“i was busy, kazutora, you know how busy these months turn.”

kazutora wants to bite his tongue, he really does, but how is he supposed to watch you lie to him in front of his face?

“you didn’t seem busy that day he went to pick you up.”

you frowned, clearly angered. “what?”

“i saw him picking you up after your classes, you didn’t seem busy.”

“you were stalking me?” you pressed.

“no,” kazutora frowned. “i was hoping to talk to you, i don’t know what happened and i want to know what i did to make push you away.”

“you know what you did.”

kazutora frowns, and this time, he strolls over you. the top of the umbrella covers your eyes, and kazutora pushes it off just a little for you to see him.

“what did i do?”

you look down, your knuckles turning white of the force you were gripping the stick of the umbrella with.

“you kissed me.”

“i did?”

you bite your lip. he knows you’re aware of your lie, such a blatant lie. you could never lie to him, or anyone for that matter. you were too honest for your own good. but that night, you were trying to lie to his face, knowing you couldn’t.

“i was drunk.”

“and i stopped you, or do you not remember that?”

suddenly, the streets in front of your apartment building are not empty anymore. the traffic is loud, like it always is at some point of the night. you’d complain the first time you had moved in there, sometimes trying to stay at kazutora’s place to avoid it. until you grew accustomed to it, and then, you weren’t able to sleep without the sound of rapid cars and growling motors.

kazutora remembers sleeping a few times at your place, hating the noise. but you loved it, and he started to love it too, knowing it somehow calmed you.

kazutora takes a step back. he’s still hurt, but the anger that had brought him there no longer moves inside him. he sighs, and his tensed shoulders drop.

“was i wrong to do so?” kazutora speaks.

you frown, confused. “what?”

“stopping you, was i wrong for stopping you?”

that’s now what kazutora is trying to say, but he can’t bring himself to say it outloud.

were you perhaps scared of your own feelings? of the possibility of him not feeling the same way? was that it? was that why you were trying to avoid him all along? 

that wasn’t like you; you were straightforward, and your honesty got you in trouble most of the time. and with kazutora, you never held any secrets, you were nothing but an open book. what did he do?

“we can’t, kazutora,” you whispered.

kazutora frowns, and he tries to touch your hand, but you push his hand away. hedoesn’t notice the tears in your eyes until he’s barely a step away from you. your face is filled with tears, and your body shakes with every sob that leaves your mouth. kazutora freezes, unsure of what to do, as he watches you suffer.

“what do you mean?”

“we can’t do this, kazutora, i’m sorry--”

“why not?” kazutora asks, and finally, he gets a hold of your hand. he holds it up to his chest, and his heart beats against it, rapidly. “i like you too, y/n, i love you.”

your shakes with the sob that leaves your mouth, and kazutora shakes with you, because why does it seem like your eyes are blinded by the pain you’re feelings, unknown to him? why are you gripping your own chest as if he was trying to steal it from you?

“we’re friends, kazutora, just friends!”

kazutora frowns, shaking his head as he tries to hold you in his arms, to comfort you, but you push away.

“then why did you kiss me?” kazutora says.

the umbrella falls next to your body, your trembling body that shakes with the cold, with your pain. kazutora doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t understand it. because if you love him like he does, why are you suffering?

“it was a mistake.”

“a mistake?” kazutora’s voice falters. “it wasn’t a mistake.”

“it was for me, and i’m sorry i gave you the wrong impression,” you inhaled, wiping the tears off your face rather harshly, leaving a red mark on your face.

you no longer shake, and you softly shake his hand off your shoulders, hands that were gripping you tightly as if you were to run away, kazutora searches for you eyes, confused, and lost. 

a dog starts barking not far away, and the two of you jump.

“what do you mean?”

 “i don’t think of you that way kazutora.”

“i love you too, i do--”

you kneel to grab your umbrella again.

kazutora doesn’t move, neither does he react when you place the umbrella above his head, grabbing his hand to wrap his fingers around it.

he tries to speak up.

“kazutora,” you interrupt, your voice no longer holding that melody of yours, that friendly, loving tone that you always used with him. your voice is firm, and your eyes traverse his. kazutora is left mouth closed, unable to move. “i think it’s better if we leave it here.”

“i love you,” he whispers again, hoping you’ll hear him, his silent plea.

kazutora tries to take a step closer to you, to hold you one last time, to try and get to you one last time.

but he can’t.

“we can’t be friends anymore.”

you disappear again, like that morning. you walk faster than ever, running inside your building, despite his attempt to run after you, to beg for an answer, for another word, for another way, to beg for your company, for your understanding, for an explanation, for anything you could give him, anything.

but you’re long gone, kazutora notes as his throat dries and his lungs barely hold him up. kazutora blinks, hoping it’s a nightmare he’s found himself in.

because kazutora loves you, even if you don’t.

[t0bey]

plum drop the essay on fuyu/peko and mondo/taka paralelles !!!! i am curious

ask and u shall recieve (inserting my first ever page break because holy FUCK this got long) 

oke! I guess I’ll start off with Peko’s initial conception as a character, which was the main initial comparison danganronpa intended between Peko and Kiyotaka.

I’ve noticed danganronpa has a tendency to re-use character tropes or roles after each game, tho their fates end up differently. For example, Chihiro was the smart, cute, and sweet character who ended up dying early on and had little significance outside of alter ego afterwards. Chiaki is the same, except if Danganronpa took Chihiro’s character and made her one of the main protagonists that has much more significance in the game. 

The staff of SDR2 confirmed that they based Peko off of Kiyotaka, from their intense red eyes (which was intentional) + predominately b&w colorscheme, they both have swords, and their characters are tied to justice, though in different ways. Not to mention both are meant to be extremely disciplined, but ultimately struggle at socializing due to their rough backstories. But that’s where Peko’s ties to Taka as an initial concept end there, because the parallels between Peko/Taka and Fuyuhiko/Mondo are a whole ‘nother ballpark.

Before bringing that up though, we should note that while their designs are significantly different, Mondo and Fuyuhiko are extremely similar in terms of their backstory and personality (down to their ability to curse like a sailor). Both struggle with an inferiority complex (Fuyuhiko w/ how he isn’t taken seriously because of his babyface, Mondo w/ how his self esteem is really fragile and gets jealous of others when he acknowledges them to be stronger than him). Both act like tough, aggressive lone-wolfs (well, Mondo pre-sauna anyways), but have been stated to have a soft side, to the point they doubt their capabilities of being a tough leader because of it. They both even have a sibling they both believe would be a better leader than them (Daiya and Natsumi). BASICALLY fuyuhiko and mondo are the same role, being the intimidating gang leader that no one should fuck with, but in actuality has a lot of insecurities behind that facade. 

Ok, ok, time to the ACTUAL relationship parallel analysis. We now know why Peko/Taka are meant to be parallels, and we can definintely make a solid claim for Fuyuhiko and Mondo. This isn’t new for Danganronpa, in their tendency to use patterns but give them a different twist depending on the game. Which is exactly what happened in  regards to chapter 2 of THH and SDR2, respectively.

The games’ chapter 1s are simple: meant to introduce the characters/game/stakes. Leon and Sayaka’s deaths were tragic, but the emotional impact of them wasn’t the main priority by the writers. Only to show that this was, indeed, a Killing Game where anyone’s possible to die. But chapter 2 of danganronpa is intended to be the chapter where you’re introduced to just how emotional and tragic the games can actually be, meant for maximum heartbreak (for both the characters and the player).

Chapter 2 of THH was where the different students’s relationships between each other became more solid. Sakura and Aoi were good friends. Toko’s obsession for Byakuya first solidified. Hifumi being Celeste’s servant, etc. Taka and Mondo’s fast developed friendship is no different. After the sauna, the two clicked so much that they believed calling each other just a friend wasn’t really accurate, and settled on calling each other brother instead. While they don’t have memories of their close friendship during Hope’s Peak at this time, it’s heavily implied that their closeness during that time made them subconsciously gravitate towards each other so fast, which could also be seen with Sakura and Aoi, and how Chihiro was able to find Makoto familiar during their introduction. 

Peko and Fuyuhiko’s relationship could be considered to be just as close. The two grew up together, quite literally since they were kids. Like Taka and Mondo’s relationship pre-sauna, Fuyuhiko and Peko’s relationship was somewhat strained, though it’s more deeply rooted than two extremely contrasting guys clashing over their perceptions of each other. Fuyuhiko is extremely insecure in his place as the Kuzuruyuu clan’s head, and sees Peko’s desire to protect him and carry out his commands as an unwanted crutch that challenges his desire to be independent, as well as extremely worrying considering how because of this, Peko devalues her own life and worth as a person. Fuyuhiko very much loves Peko as a person, and as such tried to distance himself from her during their time on Jabberwock Island. Though unfortunately, Peko took this as him loathing her in general, further cementing her desire to be his “tool” because if he couldn’t stand being around her, she might as well make herself useful to him.  

Now. Finally to get into the explicit parallels between the relationships of Kiyotaka/Mondo, and Peko/Fuyuhiko. Peko and Taka’s perspective on their relationships is a great starting point. 

Each game’s chapter 2 shows just how willing both Taka and Peko are willing to go in order to protect Mondo and Fuyuhiko. Peko’s motive for killing Mahiru wasn’t to escape, but to in her eyes save Fuyuhiko from the Killing Game, by using herself as his tool to carry out muder, and have everyone incorrectly vote for her so Fuyuhiko could get away. She was his bodyguard in the truest sense of the word. Now in THH’s chapter 2, instead of fighting against Mondo in proving his guilt, you’re fighting Kiyotaka. He refuses any evidence you throw at him, arguing relentlessly to prove Mondo’s innocence, to the point the only reason he stopped was because Mondo told him to. And you later find out, in chapter 3, that Kiyotaka felt so determined to prove Mondo’s innocence was because he felt like it was his responsibility to, as he cared for Mondo so much. 

So, in a way, Taka considers himself Mondo’s bodyguard. Just without the years worth of reinforcement that you’re nothing but a tool to be used which makes you devalue your own worth as a person. (Not that his self esteem and willpower wasn’t ultimately crushed by Mondo’s execution, but that’s only because the circumstances he lost him was undenyingly brutal considering the Killing Game). While the circumstances of Peko’s desire to protect Fuyuhiko are really murky and problematic considering how she was raised, Danganronpa confirmed that she protected him so much because of her care for him, to the point she was willing to sacrifice her own life to assure that Fuyuhiko is safe. And Kiyotaka was willing to go to the exact same drastic measures, by voting for himself. 

It’s also worth noting that in the stage play, he willingly accepted to be punished alongside him by doing this to make sure Mondo doesn’t die alone. 

So from my own understanding, Super Danganronpa 2 took the tragedy of Mondo and Taka’s relationship, and flipped it so that while it still follows its signature use of repetitive patterns, they made the circumstances different, but just as heartbreaking. And how? Because they took the Taka of the relationship, and made Peko the culprit. It’s not the Mondo this time, which is who you’re supposed to expect to be the culprit, because of your expectation from THH’s trial 2. 

Peko tried her best to protect Fuyuhiko, much like Kiyotaka tried to after he recognized the fact Mondo was the blackened. Both were, at the expense of their classmate’s and their own lives, were willing to protect them both, no matter what. Peko took a more active role in trying to do this however, which is what Kiyotaka severely regretted not doing, as stated in chapter 3. 

And Fuyuhiko is what would have happened if Mondo was forced to face the consequences of his actions (in Fuyu’s case, being partially responsible for Mahiru’s death, in Mondo’s case, Chihiro’s). Instead of Taka arguing to prove Mondo’s innocence, it’s Fuyuhiko who’s doing that for Peko. A deliberate use of subverting the pattern given to us by THH’s chapter 2.  

That’s the main takeaway, but I suppose I should also address the romantic parallels while I’m at it. I personally don’t like Kuzupeko as a romantic relationship, mainly because of how Peko’s self worth and personal value of herself as a person was as a direct result from being considered Fuyuhiko’s “tool” and their professional relationship as yakuza leader/henchman. Fuyuhiko does love her as a person, but that doesn’t negate the years of psychological degradation Peko endured to consider herself as a tool. Though in typical Danganronpa fashion, they choose to gloss over the problematic aspects of their relationship while heavily implying romantic subtext between them. So while I can’t say I’m a fan, I know the game/DR3 anime says otherwise. 

And as for Ishimondo, I know some will disagree with me, but I definitely feel that their relationship is heavily lined with romantic subtext as well. Not much is really explicit in the game outside of Ishida and Hifumi’s romantic rivalry for alter ego (who Taka considers Mondo), but the mangas and posters definitely show their relationship that most would consider normal for couples.

But at the end of the day? Both Peko and Taka love Fuyuhiko and Mondo, whether or not you consider both, one, or none of their relationship to be romantic. They wouldn’t have put their own lives on the line if it was anything else. And it’s that emotional connection between Kiyotaka and Mondo, and Peko and Fuyuhiko that’s meant to give you an emotional punch in the gut for THH and SDR2’S chapter 2’s, because of how far the two were willing to protect them.

[bbygrace]

some ‘essay’ on how ghosts portrays death and my predictions on how each ghost may have died

i did mention parts of this in a little rant i did a few weeks ago but i thought id put my thoughts and observations into a more cohesive form and seeing as in-depth english gcse level essays are becoming popular in the ghosts tag i thought i might as well join in

‘essay’ starts below the cut

i think that i might’ve mentioned before that ghosts does a very good job of making light of death, while also keeping the sadness and seriousness of it. the best example for this is probably pat’s death. pat’s entire concept as a basic form is comedic in itself: he is a scoutmaster who was accidentally shot dead by an 8 year old with an arrow. when we see his death play out in the show most peoples immediate reaction is to laugh. his death was humorous. the way he gets shot in the middle of talking about how dangerous archery can be, the way the kid who did it (keith) tried to cover it up by passing the bow to another scout, pat’s mumbling about getting one of the kids to drive him home as he fumbles to find his keys - these are all comedic elements of his death. it’s supposed to be funny. however, at the same time, his death is still sad, especially when you consider the fact that he died in front of a group of children. this is made even sadder when we see how much pat’s death affected keith even into his adulthood. while pat frantically searching for his keys with his massive keychains is funny, there was also the sad element to it which was the panic he was experiencing. he knew he was going to die, but he still had a little bit of hope that he could manage to get home and see carol one last time. there’s a perfect mix of both the light and dark of death. it’s funny because its a comedy show, but its also sad because its death, which is one of the major themes of the show. we know that pat’s death still negatively affected him. as far as we know, all the ghosts’ deaths affected them negatively (with the exception of some ghosts, specifically kitty, whose death hasn’t been explored in the slightest, so we dont know how it affected/affects her), some more than others. while pat was upset by his death and shows signs of trauma from it, he isn’t nearly as affected as mary, for example, perhaps because his death was relatively quick and/or because he just adapts and overcomes (most) things quickly. all the other ghosts’ deaths that we know of have been portrayed the same way as pat’s, with both the comedic and upsetting sides being shown. this reflects the way the ghosts themselves feel about death. they’ve all been dead for a long time, and having already experienced death, they’re no longer scared by it. they may be traumatised by it, but as it’s already happened and they’ve all experienced it, they can relate and unite over it. a few examples of when this is seen when they’re placing bets on whether a subject will stay or go and pat saying ‘i’m dead, you’ll be dead soon’. this suggests that they have a relatively light view of death as a whole concept, and the thing they’re sensitive to is their own particular deaths.

how the other ghosts’ deaths apply to this

thomas’ death was sad - the way he died alone, waiting for isabelle, the whole scandal with francis and the way he basically caused thomas to die and the fact that thomas went without knowing this for centuries. however, there were also comedic elements to his death, mostly centered around the circumstances surrounding the duel, like his awkwardness when challenging the officer to the duel, the way he (unknowingly) died partly because of mary shelley and the pigeon he shot and then proceeded to apologise to as he was dying. thomas’ death in itself - dying from being shot in a duel - isn’t exactly funny or ridiculous, but the circumstances surrounding it and the events leading up to it are. almost everything that led up to his death was humorous, mostly due to the way the other ghosts told it, his awkwardness and how different the reality of his death was to this false, dramatised version that he had made up to help him feel better about it, and to try and impress alison. the mood then gradually decreases until he actually dies and kitty says ‘he waited and waited, but she never came.’ we then end up at the lowest, saddest point of his demise - him dying alone, waiting for isabelle. it then rises again when we see thomas’ concerned reaction to becoming a ghost. the atmosphere flows from funny to serious very smoothly, and a lot of the time its a mixture of both.

as for fanny, the comedic aspect of her death was her catching her husband cheating and then being pushed out of the window with the rest of the ghosts watching it all go down. it’s a funny thing to picture. however, because it was a death, it was still sad. it still affected her negatively. she still kept george’s secret for all those years. she was murdered by her husband, someone who should’ve loved her and looked after her - she trusted him and he abused that trust. we see multiple times that she’s bitter over the fact that he cheated on her and she takes that out on other people, for example, she’s angry at the fact that the wedding is a lesbian wedding in s2e6. while this is partly due to her upbringing and the time she lived in, her views on homosexuality were also heavily affected by the fact she walked in on her husband cheating on her with two men. fanny’s acceptance that people should be allowed to love who they want after talking to humphrey is a huge development in her character and how she copes with her death. in the scenes during and following her conversation with humphrey, we see her death and the effects it had on her portrayed in the most serious way they had been so far. up until that point, her death was referenced almost purely comedically, with the sadder aspects being deeper within the writing. they become more apparent when really considering what that must have been like for her and when looking at how it affected her.

my predictions for the other ghosts’ deaths based on this

every example of a death we have seen so far has been ridiculous, funny or ironic in some way, whether that be the actual cause of death or the events leading up to it. because of this, i believe the rest of the ghosts’ deaths will have a comedic element to them.

starting with robin, i have no strong ideas on how he died. a lot of people seem to think that he was struck by lightning due to his powers. i think that this is a solid idea and i can see it working, but i think he also could have possibly died of a disease or by being crushed by something like a boulder or a mammoth or something. i don’t really know if his cause of death would be particularly funny, i think instead that his reaction and behaviour/events leading up to his demise will be the comedic aspect, with the sad part being that he was alone in death, with no one to talk to for thousands of years, as far as we know.

as for humphrey, once again i don’t think his actual cause of death would be the comedic part, unless it was botched by an inexperienced executioner maybe. i think he was probably executed for a humorous reason. he seems like he was probably a bit of a dick in life so i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case.

the same applies for mary - i think she was probably executed for a seemingly insignificant reason, because women could be accused of witchcraft for doing pretty much anything at the time. however, she is still deeply traumatised by her death and is only starting to come to terms with it, so i doubt her death would be particularly funny. her death in itself (being burnt at the stake) almost definitely won’t be the comedic part.

i’m almost certain kitty’s death was her sister’s fault. we know how poorly she treated her and we know that her death was caused by someone else. i think the sadder perspective of kitty’s death will be her naivety and trust that she had and still has for her sister, despite the awful mistreatment she received from her. she didn’t know she was being mistreated by her - she just thought that was the way all friends/sisters were and as long as she was making other people happy then she was happy too. i think she was most likely poisoned (which would explain the vomit thing that happens in s2e6) or she died from exposure to the elements due to being left outside, probably while playing a game. as we know next to nothing about how she died or how she feels about her death, i don’t know what could be funny about it, so i’m going to assume that it could also be related to her naivety and innocence, but in a different way. it may seem dark, but she probably died smiling, without really knowing what was going on. her reaction to her death and her attitude and behaviour leading up to it will most likely be comedic, unless she was murdered in an ironic or obscure way.

every time i try to even begin to figure out how the captain died i feel like clawing my brains out. i literally have no idea how he possibly could’ve died. perhaps his cause of death was unusual or interesting and that’s why its so hard to figure out - maybe it’s just incredibly obscure. i can see both the circumstances surrounding his death and the cause of his death having the possibility of being comedic. maybe his death was embarrassing and that’s why he hasn’t talked about it, because he’s ashamed and wants to pretend it didn’t happen. we know he does this already with his sexuality: he doesn’t want to think about it or acknowledge it so he pretends it doesn’t exist, because if it doesn’t exist then he doesn’t have to worry about it, and he could be doing the same thing in regards to his demise. tom kingsley, the director, said on twitter that his ribbons are upside down for a reason. i don’t know if this is related to his death or not, but my guesses are that it probably is as if they were applied long before his death he probably would’ve fixed them. my thoughts are that they were probably put on him either by himself as he was dying and they were put upside down by mistake and he didn’t have enough time to fix them/he wasn’t in a good enough state to put them on properly, or that they were put on his uniform by someone else. i think his death definitely will have a lot of sad tones to it, but i don’t think it’ll be entirely negative, especially considering how he acts under stress.

i don’t think i even have to talk about what the comedic aspect of julian’s death would be. this also makes it a little harder to figure out what the sad aspect of it was, apart from the fact he died. maybe it could be the way he was viewed by the public and the way he died before he could do anything to improve his image, but, judging by how he acts in death, he probably wouldn’t have even thought of trying to change for the better in his lifetime, but i could be wrong. the negative side of his death will probably be related to his public image and how he was the ideal ‘disgraced MP’ stereotype and that’s pretty much all he was known for. as for how he died, asphyxiation, heart attack or something drug-related seem to be the most plausible ideas.

i’m not really sure how this theory applies to the plague ghosts, i guess they’re some sort of exception. their deaths weren’t particularly comedic or sad. i can’t really see any way for their deaths to be written the same way the others are, as the way they died was very common and hard to make particularly funny or sad, especially both simultaneously.

conclusion

basically, i think death is portrayed and written very effectively in ghosts. the show lets you know that you’re allowed to laugh, it’s supposed to be funny. it’s a comedy show, after all, and these are fictional characters. at the same time, you’re being told you’re allowed to cry. the show is sad at times cough cough, s2e3, cough cough, because these characters have experienced sad things like the person they’re deeply in love with leaving them before they even have a chance to develop their relationship or make sense of their own feelings, most notably death. death is sad so of course that’s going to be conveyed in the show. it’s almost impossible to make a death not sad, especially considering the likeableness of most of the characters except julian. however, death can also be taken lightly in the context of the show as the whole point is that they’re dead, we wouldn’t have ghosts if they were alive. they died years before episode 1 took place. it’s already happened, but it hasn’t been dealt with completely, and thats where the sadness comes in. they’re still processing and dealing with the trauma that came with their deaths. both sides of the event are shown, because the characters feel both good and bad about their deaths. they feel bad about it because of everything they lost and the way they died and the circumstances of their deaths but they also have positive feelings surrounding their deaths because of the situation they’re currently in. they can kind of just do whatever they want (as far as their physical boundaries allow them to) without consequences, because what can happen? they’re dead! they also have bonds with each other and, now that alison and mike are there, they have something to keep them occupied and aware of how things have changed since they were alive. every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

[lady-plantagenet]

Unsolicited Book Reviews (n5): Wife to theKingmaker

Rating:

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Even before I had an account I had a tendency to go to tumblr to see people’s opinions before buying a histfic novel. Certain books are either severely underrepresented where I feel like there needs to be something on them, whereas others that are talked about enough - something more can still be said. So for my quarantine fun, I had decided to start a series where I review every medieval historical fiction novel I read. Hopefully, it will either start interesting discussions or at least be some help for those browsing its tag when considering purchasing it.

TL;DR: Ok swear to god this book was written by two different people. The ending was actually heart-wrenching, but so much had annoyed me throughout that I swore to myself to never again touch this genre for my own health. Twas an odd tale, and tbh the fact that it was odd probably elevated it from the 2 stars (or hell maybe even 1 if it was going to get any more richardian) to 3. Honestly, quite glad I read it in the end. Not the most historically informative, but some of the character arcs were actually quite neat (however extremely farfetched). Spoiler Warning: I’m going to divulge a lot on here because I know no one who follows me is going to read this book.

Plot: Ok, the plot... It was only after I placed my order that I realised this is the Sandra Heath Wilson of ‘Cicely’s King’ fame. I cringed and didn’t know what to do. For all you innocents out there... her Cicely series is a saga wherein Cecily of York pretty much bangs everyone who is male and from the house of york (minus her father and uncle George) and Even Henry VII(!!). She then has this kid by Richard III, calls him Leo and the rest is history(this is what I gleaned from goodreads). Nevertheless it had already shipped and honestly I had it coming; the synopsis does say she has an affair with her brother-in-law John Marquis of Montagu. Whatever, I couldn’t resist buying the only novel about Anne Beauchamp, and since it was published in the 70s/80s I knew it would at least be flamboyant and go all out. It delivered enough for it to have been worth reading.

So the novel follows Anne Beauchamp!(Nan) from when she is a 13 year old girl to 1478 when she finally leaves Beaulieu to go live at Middleham with her (as you guessed it- favourite) daughter Anne and her oh so belovéd son-in-law Richard Duke of Gloucester - You see? Since now finally the Great Other (Mr George) is finally vanquished England has its peace. Of course this is not true, Nan historically left the abbey in 1473 for Middleham and while I wanted a possible explanation from the author (who I would assume is better researched than I) for whether she went to Middleham out of her own volition or simply because the King trusted Gloucester better than Clarence... alas I got none. It was all pinned on the fact that the evil George (who as per usual alternates between omnipotent mastermind to absolute drunken himbo at the turn of a page) would not have her free for as long as she lived (for whatever reason). I really think the real historical explanation was because Edward trusted Gloucester - because after all Warwick Castle was Nan’s patrimony not Middleham. I doubt Nan had a choice in the matter but, the point is, Isabel was alive in 1473 and since there’s zero historical record or suggestion that Nan and Anne had ever seen her again, it would have been nice to have had a depiction of the conflicted feelings or a final meeting written for the three women. I’ll let it slide I guess, after all, one needs to cut some slack when it comes to books written pre-internet age by non-historians. And unlike Sunne in Splendour, this book does not purport to be completely accurate or a representation of the truth.

Christ some sub-plots were truly unexpected. One that made me groan at first was the whole arc between Nan and her niece Eleanor Butler. In this book she’s her ward (not historically true) and little Eleanor is all sweet and innocent and virtuous and, hell, at one point we get more Nan-Eleanor interaction than even between Nan - her own daughters (particularly Isabel who would have been the right age and a better substitute for Eleanor in their dialogue, but alas, who cares about Isabel right?). Eleanor even is the one to accidentally discover that Margaret of Anjou slept with Edmund Beaufort, siring Edward of Lancaster.

Ok. You’re probably thinking, god how trite eugh the Richardians are at it again, right? Yeah ok the Richardians are at it again, but it turns into something really neat at the end. Essentially, as I said, Nan has an affair with John Neville Marquis of Montagu (long story that I will expand on in characterisation) and she and him come upon Edward and Eleanor (overhearing them nothing more). So Edward and Nan then have this mutually assured destruction between them, because Edward divulges that he saw Nan and John years later when Nan confronts him (by this time he is married to Elizabeth Woodville) that she knows about the pre-contract with the intention of telling him off. He tells her that if she dares tell Warwick about the pre-contract he will tell Warwick about John, so she then agrees (also because she promised her niece that she would keep it quiet for the safety of her son by Edward). Years later when they meet again, Edward realised how much is at stake for Nan (especially since it turned out she loved Warwick all along and Edward figured that out), and so, during the period of John’s back-and-forth loyalties (we know he was disgruntled by the loss of the Northumberland Earldom)... Edward returns and tells Nan that if Montagu abandons him he will out her to Richard and cause a massive division between the brothers (militaristically speaking as well) and he knows he can do that because he figures out Nan will not out him because she blubbs about her promise to her niece. This madness then becomes bittersweet when (as history would have it) Montagu does end up fighting for Warwick, nevertheless, Nan is releaved during the whole time because there’s nothing in Warwick’s letters that give any indication that Edward ended up exposing her. Warwick dies in the battlefield, Nan is deeply aggrieved but happy he never found out at least. But then... years later when Edward comes to Beaulieu (1478 as this story would have it) to inform Nan that she may depart for Middleham, he tells her that he in fact did expose her to Warwick... but that Warwick didn’t believe him and laughed in his face because he thought there was no way she could be unfaithful because he knew she loved him. This sounds silly but it got to me a bit when I read it. Of course, we also have Edward saying he regretted his handling of the pre-contract affair because apparently Elizabeth Woodville had since lost interest in him and he’s hurt by how she shows no reaction to him having mistresses and he’s kinda given up, whereas Eleanor would have been more of a lapdog. This was essentially the centrepiece of the plot.

Look, I don’t really read these types of novels as a habit so I don’t know if bizarre plot lines like this are commonplace. Not going to lie though, it threw me and it was pleasantly enjoyable. This is basically what is to be said about the plot... the rest goes into characterisation. Nevertheless, this novel too often fell into the exposition trap (like telling us what is happening politically instead of showing us). While I appreciated the refresher of what happened 1445-1461 and I understand that the target audience of this book aren’t Wars of the Roses experts, I’ve seen it done more smoothly in many other more literary novels (eg Hawley Jarman’s or Lytton-Bulwer’s Last of the Barons). I’ve often said Sunne in Splendour was terribly dry and exposition-heavy, but at least it had historical detail so I could sometimes switch off and treat it as a non-fiction account for battles and character locations. But with this one I a) don’t have faith that the author paid attention to detail; see what I said earlier about the years 1473-1478, so I won’t take this as information and b) know that if she had done this with the years I know more about: 1461-1478, I would have gotten annoyed because of my familiarity with those decades.

Characterisation: Well we have lovelorn saintly Dickon here - always a pet peeve of mine. Look, I don’t have strong opinions about the man but it just innures me how whenever Richardianism rears it’s ugly head the plot suffers massively and it’s always favourite figures of mine that suffer the most. George Duke of Clarence... oh god, what can I say? Wife-beater, alcoholic, is disgusted by his wife when she is ill (you know, unlike the historical Clarence who had resided in the Abbot’s home near the infirmiary for the last months of his wife’s lying-in and after to be close to her and thereafter stuck with her until she passed away and two months after that as well), is stupid yet somehow still devious, is the indirect cause of her death... the list goes on. Welp, at least this Clarence unlike the Sunne in Splendour one has an elegant bearing, sense of fashion and is a great dancer. The Sunne one had NOTHING. It’s also odd that they make his attitude towards Isabel undergo a complete 180 as soon as he realises this marriage will no longer make him king. This makes no sense as the book has them want to marry for love, like YEARS before 1469, so this sudden attitude change makes no sense. Authors really need to be reminded that crown or no crown that marriage would still have made him the greatest magnate in England. There was also a ridiculous handling on the circumstance of his death, and this was the most factually wrong part of the book. Between Ankarette being aged down by 4 decades and the whole shmaz with Stillington, I don’t know where to begin. I bet most of you can guess how it was handled. Isabel is as per usual constantly depressed and without a personality because, well, we can’t have her compared to our shining heroine Anne Neville. 3x more beautiful, 5x more vivacious and 20x more significant than her doormat of a sister who complains all day- that is when she isn’t crying. Gahhh. Of course Anne Neville also cries but it’s for her beloved Dickon who she pines for constantly. Look, I have no qualms with romanticising this pairing, but authors need to keep in mind that Anne was like 13 at most when she became estranged from Gloucester. You. Need. To. Stop. Writing. Her. Like. A. Woman. . I don’t care what anyone says, no matter the time period, you can’t make me visualise a 13 year old that could feel romantic love of that deep a devotion and maturity and not send me laughing across the floor. But want to write a strong childish infatuation coming from a place of deep friendship? Fine by me.

Ok, onto more positive characterisation points: I liked Nan, quite a lot actually (I mean blatant daughter favouritism aside). A lot of authors attempt to write the proud noblewoman and great lady character but few pull it off. This is always how I have seen the real Anne Beauchamp and I’m glad to see it here. For a novel so insensitive towards certain figures, the author wrote Nan with great empathy. She was very intelligent but not in that artificial girlboss way, she loved her daughter(s) but in that medieval mother type of way (so no baby brain here), she may have not gotten along splendidly with all the women around her but there was none of that demeaning cattiness. About that, I want to say I was shocked by what a turn her relationship with Margaret of Anjou took. Since the whole Somerset-bastard child plotline was a thing... Nan was initially revolted and lost all her respect for Lancaster, but when the two women find themselves joined by fate they gain this strange mutual respect for one another. They butt heads a bit initially but Margaret of Anjou rises above it for her son’s sake and eventually strikes up an agreement with Nan on when they are to set sail. Margaret first won’t listen to Nan because she thinks she’s a fool but when she eventually slips by to tell Nan that she had thought about her plan and that maybe she’s right, she doesn’t apologise and Nan doesn’t need her to and it’s this weird telepathic understanding from then on and I certainly did not expect to see something like this in this novel. After the landing in England and news of Warwick’s death reaches the party, Margaret doesn’t gloat but diplomatically relays the news and when Nan says she wants to take sanctuary because she lost all heart and can’t fight on, Edward of Lancaster gently says something like: well if you come with us, you’ll at least get your revenge and that’s at least something (paraphrase). You could just tell this was Edward’s way of offering condolences, the type of way a child like him raised through war and promises of vengeance only could, and it was oddly powerful. Shame it couldn’t have happened as Nan and Margaret and Isabel all travelled at seperate times. The whole theme around Nan was that she wasn’t very partisan but only followed her husband as a magnate and then as a man, which I believe and it was great to see Team Lancaster understood Warwick was a seperate entity from York, and for all intents and purposes they were all in this together. Cool-headedness is much needed in this genre I realise, god how low flies the bar ~

Now onto the characterisation most people are wondering about. What of Warwick? He was the saving grace of the novel. He has the common touch yet he is sophisticated, he is idealistic yet he is shrewd, he is impassioned yet collected, he is dramatic yet subtle, he is ... I can go on and on. What is all the affair plot point about then? It doesn’t diminish the bond between the two main characters; to tell you quite truthfully the relationship the author wrote was bizarre yet still really touching. They used to hate eachother because Nan thought herself above him (after all the Warwick earldom was far more valuable than the Salisbury one- remember it was briefly a dukedom at one point), but then she sees what he made of himself and becomes proud of him and falls in love with him. However, he starts to get carried away with his ambitions, gets all-consumed by the legend of Warwick that he had cultivated and essentially becomes impersonal without wanting to (and realising). Nan feels she has lost him to the people of England (which are apparently all hypnotised by his presence, which ok is a fact grounded in history) and because of her wounded pride she starts seeking comfort in his brother (although, it makes little sense how this would work as I would gather he would also be away, especially at the Scottish boarders). When he refuses to support Warwick over Edward later on, she loses all feelings for Montagu and thinks him a coward, and when Warwick apologises for being amiss she realises that this whole time it was him she loved all along and is racked with guilt. I found this exploration of what it is like being wed to a man of such public standing quite interesting, the idea of losing him not to another woman or such but to his cause (which in this book is a mixture of belief in the french alliance, the common weal and subconsciously his own wounded pride brought on by an extreme adherence to inflexible chivalric values on his part and Edward IV’s actions), I confess, is not something I saw portrayed in this particular manner anywhere else. I mean it’s not like I’ve been searching for this particular motif, but this was a refreshing depiction of a medieval couple and it was a poignantly written relationship which the author had me invested in. The relationship was heartfelt because it was very distinct, Nan and Warwick weren’t just some stand-ins for a cash-grab but some consideration was paid to the real historical figures. The John plotline, sure I would in principle protest against something like this but it seems to have had two plot purposes: To illustrate the strain caused by the aforementioned issue and to kick off the whole Edward-Eleanor Butler-Montagu-Nan arc, which bizarre and unbelievable as it was, kept me on my toes. I’ll let it slide. Also, Edward IV was portrayed as quite a chilling villain in this, beholden of this weird mix of indifference, charm and wickedness.

Prose: This is what made me briefly wonder if this book was written by two different people. It failed to engage me in the first half, the descriptions were trite (except for the natural scenery bits), there was very little variety in sentence structures which gave it the stilted heaviness that thus afflicted The Sunne in Splendour (and most modern literature). There was a lot of redundancies eg the type of stuff like ‘whispered quietly’ or ‘yelled loudly’ and the author’s misunderstanding of certain period fashions drew me out eg references to bodices (not a thing then), calling the henin veil a silk scarf etc. She didn’t pull a Penman: exposit emotions to us, making me feel like I walked into a therapy session, but it was often heavy-handed. It first felt very much like an uninspired debut novel. A bit try-hard and I was wondering if this was the way of the bodice ripper... I wouldn’t know, I never read one before (though I’m unsure if this qualifies as it’s really not graphic and the focus is really not on sex nor is there much of it).

However, out of nowhere, the prose suddenly changed a little before half of the way in; colours, emotions, thoughts and the like started to blend masterfully. The sentence structures started varying to convey the way Nan was feeling. It became very show don’t tell, and it drew me in emotionally a bit (I must confess). Of course, that’s also around the point the plot had sort of started redeeming itself. Nan’s grief at her husband’s passing was particularly well conveyed - how she became a husk of her former self... I could read fifty pages of that. Her realisation that it had been him all along was also well written, and you could feel all the urgency and regret she felt at all the time she had wasted disregarding him as the plot grew nearer to Barnet. The mutual longing was also subtle yet strong, and it really was down to the effective use of sentence structure and waylaying of inspired thematic details. The mingling of past memories with present day in her later years was also very well done and with flow, and the adjectives etc used were no longer becoming distracting as before. My favourite part by far was the very last scene when she rides ahead of her escort to Middleham and she imagines a horse riding beside her caparisoned with the Neville standard; you can really feel how this is the first time that she had felt joy in years and she lets the ghost follow her.

... In Conclusion, this novel gave me very mixed feelings. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed it as much as I did had it not been for the fact that I entered it with a massive pre-formed love for the figures. It’s a bit like my experience with ‘Death Be Pardoner to Me’ (review #2 on this tag), was the book actually good or do I just have an affinity for the protagonist (Clarence in that case)? As such, I don’t think I would reccomend it. Indeed I wrote this spoilerish review because I was sure no one would fly off to Amazon after seeing this post. I can’t say if it’s above commercial historical romance in standard as this is the first time I’ve ever read a book from this genre. I think I’ll take a loongg break from historical fiction (after I finish with Jarman) because the Clarence portrayal was a bit of a nail in the coffin for me and I don’t want to continue upsetting myself for no reason. As I have now truly lost hope in reading a balanced depiction of him and if the literature isn’t absolutely expemplary why bother? Nevertheless, Warwick’s portrayal was a saving grace and made it impossible for me to give it two stars - it wasn’t perfect but still the best I’ve read (minus Last of the Barons Ofc). This is also a bit sad when you think about it, Warwick is also due some fictional justice. Even scholarly if you ask me.

The experience was educational as I learned a valuable lesson in what to avoid and include in my writing, what pitfalls/clichés not to fall into etc. I think I can draw another valuable lesson from this: Dear Histfic authors, if you happen to not be historians, heavily-researched in this time period, objective or literarily talented etc don’t take yourself seriously by publishing some tome of a work but just go nuts like this novel. At least this way you’re not sharing misinformation, inducing people into error and your work still gets to be engaging as opposed to a repetition of the previous amateur historical novelist. Yeah. For all the Sunne in Splendour’s superior quality, I must say I prefer this one better.

Tagging @pythionice who I have recently discovered has also read this book! Welcome fellow fan of Warwick <3

[jcisthebestfightme]

BJYX Song #14: The Things You Don’t Know

BJYX Song List

Disclaimer: Fake story brewed in fake tea house.

Can finally write a long post again after I got a new keyboard! This is a song I struggled with whether to write about. So on 8/4/20, the day before dd’s birthday, on QQ music, under gg’s name, a song was posted as #95 on the list (see this post for significance of 95, although it’s unclear if gg will know the significance of 95). The song was a clip from a vlog he did in his X-Nine days on 4/24/16. The full length of the vlog is 4:38 but the QQ version only has the song itself. The QQ version was cut to be exactly 1:28 (for us delulu kadian fans, that’s 1=want 2= love 8=bo). If you listen to this trimmed version (will post Youtube at the bottom), there is at least 1 second after the song has already ended where there is a silence and then a laugh. This make me think that it is possible the song length may be significant because it would’ve made more sentence to trim the song to 1:26 or even 1:27 cuz it’s weird to leave a bit of a laugh. But coincidence, of course!

What was controversial about the song is that it was deleted after being posted for a few hours. Some fans were worried that it may not have been posted by gg himself and that someone else posted it to try to link gg to dd for dd’s birthday (possibly with malicious intent.) Indeed, this version of the song was copied and reposted by third party (fans probably) onto Youku. However, 1 very dedicated bxg messaged QQ music’s customer service directly and asked if a song by an artist would show up under their name if they sang it but was uploaded by a third party and QQ claimed that no, only song uploaded by the artist directly will be under that artist’s name. This post with the conversation with customer service has since been deleted (there was a lot of silencing people around dd’s birthday because people worried about attracting too much attention) but I promise I’ve seen it and the girl seem really genuine in her inquiry. So I personally do believe that either gg or his team uploaded this song and that it wasn’t a third party. Because of the silencing around this post though, I was worried about writing about it but then I thought, well the original clip from 2016 is definitely something gg wanted to share publicly so it’s definitely a song he want to share with us. 

Some people said that gg deleted the song in a few hours because he didn’t upload it. But alternatively, I think he may have wanted to share this song with us to tell the world he wanted to wish dd “happy birthday” but can’t due to circumstances. It must be very painful not to be able to even publicly say happy birthday to the person you love most, especially with all the negative rumor being spread about them being enemies. So this was his only way of somehow conveying that he wish dd well on his birthday. And him deleting the post before 8/5 was also something I think is very in character of him. If he had left it on dd’s birthday, people beyond fans (gossip sites, news, etc.) might pick it up and associate it with dd’s birthday and say that “gg is trying to use dd’s birthday to draw attention to himself blah blah blah.” This is also what makes me believe that maybe gg was the one who post it and not a third party with malicious intent because a third party will probably just post directly on 8/5. 

On to the background of the song, the song is “The Things You Don’t Know (你不知道的事)” by Leehom Wang. Dd has mentioned more than once that he likes to listen to Leehom when he was a kid and that he really like this artist. The title is also interesting. It’s almost like gg telling us “I may not be able to wish dd a happy birthday publicly but there are many things you guys don’t know.” This song actually came from a movie Love in Disguise where Leehom plays a guy that is a famous celebrity and the female lead is a student of a music academy. The guy had a secret crush on the girl and this song is to describe his longing for her. (I didn’t actually watch this movie so correct me if I’m wrong.)

This is the version exactly that was posted on QQ music: (Someone took it and posted it on Youtube)

The lyrics may sound originally like a breakup song but here’s why I don’t think ggdd broke up around his birthday and this is why gg posted this song:

1) That idea is ridiculous if you look at how happy dd is and plus all the commotion around his new necklace.

2) gg sang this song in 2016 when he didn’t know dd so it’s not like this song was dedicated to him 100%

3) the context of the song is from a very cute and sweet romantic movie

4) dd said before he liked bitter love songs and I think both ggdd kinda like not super cheerful love songs because honestly, some of these bitter ones have more depth to them and also it makes their relationship seem more realistic and grounded

So please don’t get upset if it sounds like a breakup song.

蝴蝶擦几次眼睛 (How many times does the butterfly blink its eyes)

才学会飞行 (Before it learn to fly)

This part is talking about having many failures before you can succeed. In a relationship, this is probably like having other past relationships but when you meet the right person, everything is completely different. In the context of ggdd, they both have past relationship but what I see in them is almost like a “first love” in a sense that it’s the first time they’ve ever love anyone that way. 

夜空洒满了星星 (The night sky is full of stars)

但几颗会落地 (But a couple will fall to the ground)

我飞行 但你坠落之际 (I’m soaring but you’re falling)

想靠近 还听见呼吸 (Want to be close, can even hear your breathing)

对不起 我却没捉紧你 (I’m sorry, I didn’t catch you)

The “star” motif resurfaces! It’s even more significant now with the star on the new necklace. This part of the song is probably describing the famous star in the movie who is soaring high in fame but can’t help the female student. For ggdd in the current situation, it’s not really the case that gg is famous and dd is a non-celebrity. Instead, I just think it’s trying to convey the pain of I want to protect you but I don’t think I have the ability right now to do it well.

你不知道我为什么离开你 (You don’t know why I left you)

我坚持不能说放任你哭泣  (I insist on not leaving you to cry)

你的泪滴像倾盆大雨 (Your tears are like pouring rain)

碎落满地 在心里清晰 (Shattered all over the flow, clear in my heart)

Like I mentioned, I don’t think gg is talking about actually leaving dd. I think this can relate to not being able to wish him “happy birthday” in public. He may feel guilt and sadness from it because he knows how much dd would love to beam to the public about their relationship. So this may convey feeling like he have to let dd down this time because he had no choice. This part of the song also alludes to the fact that while the singer can’t do everything for the other person, he still loves this person very deeply and it pains him to see them upset.

你不知道我为什么狠下心 (You don’t know why I cruelly made this decision)

盘旋在你看不见那高空里 (Hovering over you in a far away sky)

多的是 你不知道的事 (There’s more, the things you don’t know)

This part talks about the singer deciding to just watch over the person he loves from far away in order to protect them. And that they want to tell them that in his hear, he loves them very very much and there’s a lot of things, thing beyond words that he cannot convey. I think this part really fits gg’d personality. First, for the birthday, gg had to stay far away and watch dd be showered by all his friends. Second, I think that gg’s love is really the type to be full of care, so much that it can’t even be contained and it’s in so many small detailed that you can’t explain it. He’s just there, protecting him. 

Conveying love and feelings is definitely something I think gg does. We’ve seen him change lyrics, kadian post time with the times in a song (which he did for dd’s birthday in 2019, see my post on Nan Hai for more), and talk about his feelings when choosing songs so I don’t think it’s a super stretch to say this may be gg’s way of wishing dd a happy 23rd birthday. This is my personal bias but conveying feelings through song lyrics is something I do a lot so I can totally empathize and visually gg doing this. I’m the type that will post bits of song title publicly to convey my feelings to someone, hoping that person will get it. I’m the type when messaging that person give them a line or two from the song and hope they pick up the hidden meaning. Why do I do this? Because I can really relate to that line of the song and I want to share it. Also, I want to be semi-mysterious and have you decipher why I think this part of the song reminds me of you. 

So while this is all just my own interpretation and analysis, giving dd a song by one of his favorite artist with the kadian 1:28 for his birthday isn’t completely impossible.

[wedreamedlove]

Li Zeyan In Love - Character Study

I sat on this because I wanted to get more dates done but, after seeing people bring up this one poem that is the epitome of Li Zeyan in the aftermath of 34, I decided to finish this. This essay has been brought to you from my occasional bursts of frustration at Elex LOL.

First, I need to acknowledge that I'll be pulling comments from others who have made their own amazing discussions about Li Zeyan's charcter. PS. Thanks for inspiring me and giving me points to think about!

SPOILERS to Chapter 21. Plus CN card lines up to Chapter 34.

THE ENDLESS SEARCH

(Sorry, Luoluo, I still have no good essay thoughts on you yet.)

It's amusing that if Bai Qi's love is in the form of "all roads lead to you". He can see where MC is standing and he is moving towards that point, struggling through all the obstacles in the way.

And Xu Mo's love is in the form of the red string of fate. No matter how much they hurt each other, walk in opposite directions, or try to tangle it up, they are forever connected to each other.

Then Li Zeyan's love is in the form of searching for a needle in the haystack. The needle being MC and the haystack being all possible worlds and universes in space-time.

Li Zeyan has tons of quotes about time, staying beside each other, and searching:

[Winter Infatuation SSR] "No matter the distance or time, nothing can prevent me from keeping you by my side."

[Time's End SSR] "I'll find and bring back the past you."

[Tour to Deep Space SSR] "No matter where you are, I will always find you."

[CN Silent Twilight SSR] "You are the only predestined ending I believe in." and "I will cross countless spaces of time to look for an ending which has you."

[Main Story 18-16] "I will definitely find and bring back the past you."

[Main Story 18-23] "Don't make it hard for me to find you, understand?"

This is reflected so painfully in [Dim Light SR] where MC takes Li Zeyan to light lanterns and he writes a poem on it. Elex didn't translate the poem and, at the time, I was somewhat lenient. But after seeing references made to it... ELEX, COME OVER HERE. I JUST WANNA TALK.

So, Li Zeyan wrote:

The last line about his wish having come true already is the same in both CN and ENG.

He wrote the last line of this poem by Xin Qiji, one of many great poets in Chinese history. Here I have provided Irving Y. Lo's translation of the poem from "Sunflower Splendor: Three Thousand Years of Chinese Poetry".

The Night of the Lantern Festival, to the Tune of ‘Green Jade Table’ - Xin Qiji [1140–1207]

One night’s wind made a thousand trees burst into flower,     And breath down still more     Showers of fallen stars. Splendid horses, carved carriages, fragrance filled the road. Music resounded from paired flutes,     Light swirled on water-clock towers.     All night long, the fabled fish-dragons danced. Gold-threaded jacket, moth- or willow-shaped hair ornaments     Melted into the throng, giggling, a trail of scents. In the crowd I looked for her a thousand and one times,     And all at once, as I turned my head,     I was startled to find her     Among the lanterns where the candles were growing dim.

The bold is Li Zeyan's lines in Chinese.

@love-p typed up an amazing post about the context of this poem:

Regarding Xin Qiji, and the political context of this poem—he was a military general during the Southern Song dynasty, sidelined due to the policy of appeasement against the Jurchen.

The poem reflects his unfortunate political circumstances by contrasting the brilliance and liveliness of the Lantern Festival and the single-minded search of the narrator for just one, special, woman, ultimately finding her in the darkness with the dimming lights.

To the writer, the brilliance and beauty of the festival pale in comparison to his goal. He is not swayed by all this finery, and in fact is willing to reject the light, for what he has held in his heart all along.

Xin Qiji was a deeply passionate patriot, which ultimately led to his discharge and suppression in the changing political tides of the era. He spent decades in seclusion pretending to be indifferent to the world, but he never lost his love for his country, and held fast to his beliefs, even when they could (and did) cost him heavily.

There's other romantic interpretations of this poem, such as the woman deciding to stop and wait when she realized this man was looking for her. She is willing to be with him.

Another interpretation is that, these two are already lovers, and when he turns his head and sees her it reflects how your happiness was right beside you all along and you just needed to turn your head, instead of searching ahead desperately.

So, back to Li Zeyan and MC. He is quoting a poem from someone who suffered for holding fast to their beliefs and who can still ignore everything around him, even the light, to find what he's held in his heart all this time. HM.

@unluckysatellite also pointed out something great, which I bolded for emphasis:

I realized this just now, but MC and Victor have this narrative theme where they keep losing and finding each other, both in the main story and in their dates. The main story plays this out pretty seriously: Victor and MC meet as kids, and then Victor loses MC because of Black Swan, which causes him to search for her the next 17 years. Victor and MC meet in chapter 1 and then Victor loses MC in chapter 18 and he vows to find her again. Victor finding MC in that HBS trap during chapter 10 and nearly losing her at the end of the chapter (with the added irony of him realizing that she was the girl he was looking for all this time). YMMV if you consider MC losing Victor in chapter 14 since a black hole sent Victor traveling into the future, but both managed to keep contact with each other in the time he was away.

BTW the reference is that his [Dim Light SR] was released in 2018 for the real lantern festival holiday. Then in 2019 all the men send gems as gifts during the holiday. Li Zeyan sends mail with the title of "Turning My Head" and the body of the message is him promising to go to the lantern festival with MC this year too, but he reminds her to stay beside him and don't make it so that when he turns his head he can't find her.

THE CONSTANT

Now another common theme that appears over and over again in Li Zeyan's character arc is him being a constant amongst all the change.

[Main Story 11-19] MC confronts Li Zeyan about his overprotectiveness: "It doesn't matter if it's the previous me, or the me in the present, all of them are [a single] me. Do you understand?"

[Winter Infatuation SSR Sinful Late-Night Snack Call] "Of course I'm me. No matter when, the person at your side is always the same me."

@sharinluna wrote a great section about Li Zeyan in Chapters 19-21 and IMO these chapters just hammer in this theme more. Even in a world where none of the men remember MC, Li Zeyan still cruises along (mostly) the same as usual. He really is a steady constant when everything's gone topsy-turvy for the poor MC.

I commented about this in my post on Chapter 19's use of horror but hilariously Li Zeyan is the most normal out of the rest of the men. If the MC weren't around, it's likely he wouldn't be involved in so much craziness. This is reflected in how the MC thinks about how he'd be better off without her in [Main Story 20-4] and her dream version of him in [Main Story 19-6].

However, I always end up thinking about Alfred Lord Tennyson's quote on this topic: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I honestly think this is one of the themes of the game too, shown at the end of Chapter 19 where MC doesn't regret holding onto her memories and experiences with everyone, even if that means going back to the cruel real world.

Because the game (hopefully) isn't going to invalidate our experiences with everyone that means that Li Zeyan is not better off for not meeting the MC.

IMO love doesn't have to do something monumental like change your world but I think it adds something to our experience as humans (no matter its form: platonic, romantic, compassionate, selfless, etc). This is why I love this game so much because it's all about love in its entirety.

So, even if Li Zeyan's character isn't changed in any earth-shattering way from meeting or not meeting the MC the fact that he chooses MC again and again over everything else means something. He is willing to sacrifice everything to find her, no matter how long it takes him or how many worlds and times he has to traverse. His constant state is choosing MC.

I'm so scared about the Banquet of the Fallen Moon. Why did he turn into a demon lord SOBS when he promised his father he wouldn't go down that path? If it's connected to MC... OOF.

THE LOVE AND SUPPORT

Here we reach the relationship the two do have! Uh, I swear I wasn't intentionally picking the sad quotes...

[Main Story 6-16] "In your eyes? Am I that unapproachable?" He says this but then grabs her hand and holds it through his company, not caring who sees them.

[Main Story 10-25] "I'm sorry, I came late. I won't lose you a second time. Nothing will be able to hurt you again. In the future, let me fight your battles for you, just like how you protected me that year, alright?"

[Main Story 11-14] "I won't hesitate to pay any price in order to let you avoid all dangers and affairs... The things you wish to do, I will release you and let you do them. However, now isn't the time. That's why, you need to be a bit more obedient."

[Chapter 11] in general shows his protectiveness over MC and consideration for her. From caring for her in the hospital, to sending her between work and home, and even the SP detail (even though it became overwhelming).

[Main Story 18-3] "... Every time I call you dumb isn't to insult you. [...] It's acknowledgement."

IMO these are all more examples of how Li Zeyan is like a steady mountain or a tree that provides a canopy and safe harbor for the MC to take her time growing up under. He wants her to better herself because he cares for her (like a quintessential Capricorn) but at the same time he knows when to back off and let her go at her own speed.

Li Zeyan will be there every step of the way with MC, just a little bit ahead of her so she has a direction but always ready to catch her should she fall. Unlike a certain BS liar COUGHS.

@sharinluna also wrote this great post on Reddit about how the dates reflect Li Zeyan's patience and awareness of the imbalance in his and MC's relationship. Chapter 11 shows this too where he realizes he was overwhelming her and brings back the "old" Li Zeyan to wait for her to make a decision on her own feelings.

Finishing off this essay with some quotes:

[Instant Moment SSR] "There is no such thing as eternity, only every single moment together with you."

This is so cute since it's said by the man who can traverse time. It's the little snapshot moments he can get with MC that mean the most to him.

There's actually another related quote which comes from [Winter Infatuation SSR Sinful Late-Night Snack Call]. This happens when they're talking about the meaning of the Ephemere shop and Li Zeyan quotes a poem about mayflies.

The Chinese line is from the poem "Former Ode on the Red Cliffs" by Su Shi:

"We are like mayflies enjoying a flicker of life in this world, and as infinitesimal as a grain in the sea."

Ironically, Li Zeyan is not asking much at all of the world. He is someone who has everything but all he wants is just a peaceful life with the love of his life and he has shown again and again that he's willing to give up everything for her...

But the universe spits in his face (because tragic Chinese archetype of Crown Prince/Emperor LOL) and makes him suffer so much just for wanting some fleeting moments of joy in this flickering human life they both have.

[destiny-smasher]

“But I can't walk on the path of the right, because I'm wrong.”

So, The Last of Us Part 2 is out. It’s about 25 hours long. I’ve played it. I loved it, but it’s got its flaws. I think the hype buildup was overblown, and I think the zealous hate from the leaks was also overblown. This is a beautifully produced game that is trying to do much more than the typical AAA game tries to do, and in so trying, it’s messier, muddier, and more complicated than its predecessor. I love it for that, despite my issues with how the game ultimately resolves things.

I think Naughty Dog was either intentionally misleading audiences (which, given the marketing, is possible) or perhaps Neil himself has a different concept of the game he directed than what was actually delivered. Despite how it was advertised, The Last of Us Part 2 is not inherently about ‘hate’ or ‘revenge.’ It’s not just a revenge story.

It's a story about empathy, about how human beings and their interactions have layers, and how we are better when we extend blind empathy to others instead of blind hatred. I gotta talk about this. SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME to follow.

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Seriously, final warning for SPOILERS.

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This game is simply too big, too complex, and has too much going on for me to write a single piece going over everything there is to talk about, but there are some things I need to say that inherently rely on discussing the entire game in a spoiler-filled way.

Let’s start with the most noticeable thing that has hit me over this game’s reception: people like Joel way more than I would’ve expected. SO much of this game’s negative reception seems to be over Joel’s character and the circumstances around his death. I was not at all surprised that he died - I was a bit surprised at when and how he died, in the moment, but even by the end of the next scene, it had washed over me how much sense it made. He died in the same way everyone else dies in this series. He had it coming in the same way anyone else in this world has it coming. He was never a hero. If you truly look at Joel as a ‘hero’ figure but don’t extend that same logic to Ellie and Abby, you do not make sense to me.

I’ve seen a LOT of hate getting thrown at Abby, and frankly, I do not understand it, and if you hate her but do NOT hate Joel or Ellie similarly, then I inherently don’t respect your opinion? You’re being blatantly biased and unreasonable in exactly the way this game is arguing you should not be. Straight up. Get your transphobic jokes the fuck outta here. Get your homophobic takes on Ellie and Dina the fuck outta here. Get your xenophobic complaints about the MUCH more diverse cast of characters in this sequel the fuck outta here. The ONE case where I could see a reasonable thing to be conflicted about is Lev’s character, because they are a transgender kid who gets deadnamed by some NPCs. As a transgender person, I personally found this to just...make sense and feel organic to the world, and none of the actual characters in the narrative with names or roles in the story ever deadname Lev. Lev is fucking precious and I love him, and I think his inclusion adds inherently more to this game than otherwise, despite the understandable conflict some might feel about his backstory. To ME, the fact that all of what Lev goes through and how Yara and Abby do what they can to look for him, that says to me, “protect trans rights” and I am glad it is there. Trans people have to deal with that shit sometimes, I think it’s fine having it be PART of a wider narrative. It doesn’t define Lev’s story, it doesn’t dictate the plot of the game, it’s a spark that sets some events off and I think that adds more than it could potentially take away, as does the overall representation in the game.

Getting back to this element of bias, though, I get that you “went on a journey” with Joel and Ellie in the first game. I get that. But you spend about as much time with Abby in this game as you did with Joel in the first game. And I see a lot of people are SOMEHOW totally fine and chill and cool with Joel going on a murder rampage in the first game, specifically killing at least one man who was specifically trying to save humanity - they cite that Joel is a morally gray person who has done bad things and is trying to become a better person. Sure, cool, OK. And Ellie, sure, ya’ll will think her going on a bloodthristy revenge quest is cool, fine, A-OK, because Joel was murdered. But somehow they are physically incapable of extending that same empathy to Abby, even after the game bends OVER BACKWARD in every reasonable way it could. Why is this? One person tweeted at me the simplistic, reductive idea, 

“ I know the sensible thing that naughty dog was aiming at was that we'd feel sorry for abby and eventually grow to like her, but for me I just don't. I loved Joel and I love Ellie. They didn't kill anyone who I loved as a character. Abby did. “

At least they’re being honest with themselves in that they literally missed the entire point of the game. You having personal bias you cannot remove yourself from does not make for “A DEEPLY FLAWED STORY” or whatever the fuck people have been tossing around.

I personally don’t buy any of that bullshit until we get into the final hours of the game during the epilogue, but we’ll get to that.

Everything in the first 20-ish hours of this game felt organic and believable and completely in line with the first game to me, and the fact that ALL OF IT happens as a direct after-effect of Joel’s selfish act at the end of the first game really contextualizes how/why it was called ‘Part 2.’ So honestly, all of this nonsense about this sequel being ‘badly written’ is just...bonkers. I will agree it’s not some master class in writing - neither was the original game. But both games are very similar in writing style, tone, and the world presented is consistent, while character motivations are realistically complicated. Naughty Dog has never been great at plot, but the real quality of their work comes through in how much effort they go to in order to present realistic feeling worlds and characters, and from the environments to the actors to the extra animations on top, I think the details and the context they create are where they shine.

To better understand where I am coming from with this game, let me lay this on you.

During the scene in that basement, when Abby shot Joel in the leg, and Ellie shows up...I realized what was about to happen. Ironically, it was exactly what I had originally predicted was the thing going on WAY back when the game’s reveal trailer was dropped -- that Joel was dead, and was motivating Ellie’s revenge quest. If you’ve read what I have written of Arcadian Rhythms, you will have some idea of my feelings on Joel and Ellie’s relationship -- in short, I think it is complicated, and just as damaging as it is good. That’s real life. That’s how reality is for many relationships, especially ones between parents and their kids, especially in my experience. When I realized Joel was about to be murdered, my feelings and thoughts were not jumping to ‘oh fuck what an asshole I wanna kill these people’ or ‘oh no not Joel’ but rather, my immediate gut thoughts were ‘yupppp Joel kinda deserves this, he literally did this to who knows how many other people, but why are THESE people, specifically, out to get him?’ 

When Ellie later cites to Dina that there’s ‘no point’ in speculating as to why these people murdered Joel, because it could be for one of many possible reasons, I found that to be interesting -- Ellie herself acknowledging that Joel had fucked over many other people, while still pursuing revenge herself.

I do think the theme of ‘the cycle of violence’ is very core to this game and arguably is its strongest central theme, specifically because violence in wholly integrated into its gameplay. But narratively and structurally, empathy is, I would argue, even more paramount. This game spends about 12 hours of its runtime (so about half of the entire game) actively trying to encourage you to understand, relate with, and empathize with Abby. The developers COULD have had you swapping back and forth between both characters, which might have resulted in better pacing, but I think it would’v taken away from what they were going for. It’s that long, slow burn that makes Abby’s side of the story work, in much the same way the long, slow burn of the first game does what it does, and the way the long, slow burn of Ellie’s revenge quest helps us see just how far gone she is.

But “arghh I hated Ellie she kept making bad decisions that made no sense” some of you say, “they did her DIRTY” some of you say.

No.

Joel did her dirty.

The Fireflies did her dirty.

And it’s this exact concept -- that our actions and choices have consequences and ripple outward beyond what we can initially imagine - that is at the heart of why I think I love this game so much. Most video games depict a pool of water that is either a constant whirlpool, a raging clash of waves, or stone dropped in the middle and the ripples spreading out. The Last of Us Part 2 is more like a series of ripples all happening simultaneously, and not all of them are as apparent or even important, but it’s just...a bunch of ripples all happening all over the place.

And it breaks my heart, during 2020, a year when human rights, systemic racism, a worldwide pandemic, late capitalism, and entire countries submerged in protests because their government is fucking them over...has people shutting off or refusing to turn on their empathy to anyone outside of their bubble. In 2020, when the world needs empathy more than any other year I’ve experienced in my life thus far, a game like this goes SO FAR above and beyond what most games try to do, in a very risky and controversial way, to actively invite its players to fucking STOP AND CONSIDER for a damn moment that there’s more to the world than JUST YOU and what you care about. That your actions have consequences beyond your singular perspective.

Ellie is fueled by rage for a number of reasons, and we don’t even understand all of them until literally the final moments of the game, which I found to be appropriate as it ends on a note of reminding us that there is ALWAYS something we don’t know, something we don’t understand, motivating someone else’s decisions.

Ellie was robbed of agency, of purpose, by both Joel and the Fireflies. Joel robbed both Ellie and the Fireflies of their purpose. And the Fireflies robbed Ellie and Joel of theirs. In return, Ellie is left without purpose, and all she’s really left with is a broken man who desperately wants to be a dad again, to the point that he will murder and lie to hold on to that. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t necessarily hold it against Joel that he murdered people to save Ellie. I will always defend the idea that it was a fucking selfish decision that would realistically lead to consequences. But in the same way Marlene points out to Abby’s dad, ‘What if it was your kid?’ ie ‘What if it was someone you loved?’ I get that, that’s the beauty of how the first game ended. It presents a zero sum game where there is no ‘correct’ choice that everyone can agree on, but in the back of our heads -- and Part 2 actually states this as a point of fact -- we all know Ellie would have CHOSEN to sacrifice herself, had she been asked.

So it was deliciously realistic to me to see Ellie grappling with the frustration, distrust, and anger of Joel having not only robbed that purpose from her, but having lied to her about it. And in the end, it was also wonderfully realistic that part of why she hated Abby so much was that Abby inadvertently robbed her of her chance to try and rebuild and repair that broken relationship.

But here’s the thing, though - the thing I see fucking NO ONE talking about, and I can’t decide if it’s because no one is picking up on it or what.

Both Ellie and Abby are haunted and driven by broken men making selfish choices. Their selfishness keeps both characters kind of locked in to desperately grasping at violent acts to justify a purpose.

Some will play the flashbacks with Joel and will feel warmth and nostalgia and admiration. Some will play the flashbacks with Owen and feel disinterest or disgust because ‘why should I care about these people?’

For me, I couldn’t help bu draw parallels to how both Owen and Joel were men trying to be good, you know, not being specifically evil people, but men who were a bad influence on the women around them, who were great and good and charming and all that until things didn’t go the way they wanted, pushing and prodding with passive digs and pressure to reaffirm their own hopes that despite their mistakes, they’re ‘good men.’ Owen is admittedly much less well developed in this regard, partly because his arc just isn’t as deep or interesting, partly because he didn’t exist in the previous game. But I still could not quite shake it. I grew up with men like Joel and Owen as my father figures, so there’s personal bias there.

I literally had an actual nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night partway through playing through this game because Joel was in it and I said or did a thing he did not like, and his reaction spooked me awake, in part because I LIVED that growing up. (not murder, but violence, passive aggressive manipulation) I absolutely adore the depth given to Joel’s character, that he has LAYERS to him, and I loved seeing Tommy similarly expanded upon. (him passively prodding at Ellie to try and make good with Joel felt a little manipulative, given that he KNOWS what Joel did; and even his wife’s prodding at Ellie at the game’s outside to ‘make good’ with some old jerk who seems all expectant about being rewarded for basic apologizing, ech)

Last of Us is a horror game, Part 2 even moreso, but it was the feeling of men like Joel who do bad things and then try to justify them after the fact that actually creeped me out more -- all the more creepy because I KNOW Ellie and Abby will give up on better choices to try and ‘do right by them’. I was relieved when Abby began to break free from these old, poor choices, even shortly after making more fo them during her half of the story. This brings me to another fascinating aspect of this game: how Abby’s story is a combination of both Joel’s and Ellie’s.

Dunkey (of all people!) recently praised this game and compared Ellie’s and Abby’s narratives to TLOU1 and Uncharted 4, and I agree with him in a lot of regards, there, but I think what the team was more going for was for Abby’s story to feel like a combination of Joel’s and Ellie’s while simultaneously being directly impacted by Joel and Ellie’s story.

Abby grew up in a military community, even though she expressed an interest in science -- just like Ellie. The death of her father drives her on a quest for revenge -- just like Ellie. She does some horrible shit to people all in the service of trying to protect a kid as some desperate attempt to feel better about all of the bad shit she’s done -- just like Joel. She starts to let herself be empathetic to other people and tries to become a better person because of the kid she takes under her wing -- just like Joel.

In a way, you could argue Part 2′s overall story is kind of repetitious. Ellie’s quest for revenge is a bit too narrow-minded and blind in her rage, and Abby’s story kind of recycles many components we have already seen up until that point. I think what’s there still generally accomplishes what it set out to do: get us to question and try to understand why people do what they do, and consider our own place in that cycle, in those ripples.

I think many aspects of this game that look circumstantial on the surface are not accidents.

I think the recurring imagery of water is an allegory for how we can let rage, anger, and hate drown us. The game’s title starts with a boat drifting in water, and the title changes after the ending to a boat that is beached. The Seattle arc shows a gradually increasing focus on water flooding the environments, culminating in a big rainstorm with crazy waves. The final fight sequence (which tbh I hated but we’ll get to that) takes place literally IN water, involves Ellie trying to drown Abby, and ends with the two of them going separate ways in their boats.

I think it’s no accident that Abby and Ellie’s desire for vengeance is ultimately caused by the same specific moment, and I think it’s interesting that many people seem to skip RIGHT OVER the idea that Ellie feels such a deep sense of rage at Abby killing Joel only because Joel made the decision that caused Abby to kill him in the first place -- and the good and bad that came from that. It’s just a brilliantly complicated web, I think, and that further highlights that none of these characters are inherently good or evil, which is pretty much the entire point of this world in the first place.

I think it’s interesting that both Ellie and Abby grumble insults all of the time over the people they’re killing, and both try to justify their violence with thoughts like “well we’re better then that, we don’t do THOSE kinds of things,” which is, ya know, literally the kinds of mental hoops actual real human beings jump through to justify doing bad shit to each other.

I liked the idea of the trading cards until fairly early on when I found the ‘Dr. Uckmann’ card, which...made me roll my eyes a little at first, until I read the description, which then made me feel more actively uncomfortable than maybe anything else in the entire game, to be quite honest. Partly because it rang of entitled self-importance, but partly because of the reports of Naughty Dog crunch culture.

And on that note, let’s talk about how this game arguably crunched its employees way more than it needed to while simultaneously making its story more bloated than it needed to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love indulging in more STUFF than it required. I can totally see the appeal of writing extra stuff to a story like because you can, because it’s interesting, because it’s fun to MAKE shit. But when you are a AAA game development studio who is potentially crunching your employees into burnout, maybe a fairly pointless epilogue on top of a game that is already arguably a bit too long in the tooth is...maybe not the best way to go?

On the upside, I enjoyed playing the Santa Barbara location, I loved getting some more Abby/Lev time, I liked seeing Ellie a bit older, I LOVED the scene at the farm with her, Dina, and JJ. I loved the gameplay challenge that was the Rattler’s base. I loved that this game had noticeably larger environments to explore.

But tbh a LOT of content could’ve been cut from this game to make a smoother, better paced experience while simultaneously putting less strain on the developers. I do think the extended flashback sequences focused on non-violent gameplay is important enough to justify itself, but I think a lot of the more violent or unnecessary parts of the game (like the entire sequence on the Seraphite’s island and the Santa Barbara sequence) all feel like...EXTRA? Which on the one hand is great because hot DAMN more beautifully rendered locations, content, etc. but on the other hand I’m not sure it adds as much to justify the real life pain and misery I’m sure some developers went through to create it all, and in a way, it doesn’t quite justify its own existence if we’re being critical.

I get what they were going for with the Seraphites and the WLF but neither group is developed enough to really accomplish the goals of empathy. I think focusing on specific members OF those groups is better, because that is ultimately how real life people break down their walls of bias, -isms, etc. -- they just interact with and befriend people from these groups and realize organically “oh hey we’re all...people, huh.” The game’s attempts at naming NPCs and dogs don’t do much when the game actively rewards you for killing them (speaking of which, I played on Normal and there were way too many items imo, we’ll see how that is on higher difficulties). We could get into the role of violence and gameplay but that’s a WHOLE other can of worms.

But the Rattlers in the final act are even worse. After this entire game of being actively encouraged to empathize with other people from other groups and let yourself consider they aren’t evil, the game just...shoves an objectively worse group of people at you, asks you to murder them, and then...discards the whole thing without a second thought. I found this to be fun from a gameplay perspective (sorry Neil, playing your game actually IS FUN when you put so much work into making the violence fun to engage with) but I found it weird and frustrating from a storytelling perspective, as if the whole thing was an undercooked, unfinished final act that they cobbled together because they just...wanted enemies with helmets and an environment depicting southern California. Hell, tbh I don’t even get why Ellie had to be there other than the developers didn’t think players would be OK just...letting Ellie live a life in peace on a farm or that players would be OK NOT playing as Ellie at the end and letting her beat the shit out of Abby.

I actually LOVED the farm sequence, it felt so...weird for a while. Like you’re just waiting for the hat to drop. And when it does...it’s just PTSD. And that felt right. That felt good, that even though Ellie was spared, after all the shit she did, because she let go and spared Abby in return, she got to live this peaceful life...except life’s not that simple and old scars can still hurt.

I loved when Tommy showed up and we got to see that darker side to him we KNOW has been there this entire time, but Ellie maybe hasn’t been forced to see it. All the way up until this point, I felt I could understand where the characters were coming from and what motivated their decisions.

And then Ellie decided “no, actually, maybe if I throw all of this away I can maybe get rid of this PTSD I got from throwing everything away before.” And then it got worse when after she breaks into this fucking slave house to free people, after she saves Abby and Lev from dying on posts, she STILL wants to fight. ANd Abby’s where I’m at -- that ‘fucking REALLY?’ feeling. I utterly disliked the fight scene in the water. It was the one time in the whole game that actually felt like misery porn to me. I was honestly going into it expecting that maybe Ellie’s stab wound from the trap would cause her to be too weak to fight, and she’d literally drown from bleeding out because of her own unrelenting pursuit of revenge. But nah, we’re put through a pointless, brutal fist/knife fight that...doesn’t really have purpose imo. WHatever you wanted to accomplish here, you could’ve done back in the theater in Seattle. (on that note I LOVED the Ellie boss fight, what a fun gameplay thing and also just tense all around since you really couldn’t tell what was going to happen, but I LOVE that Lev stopped Abby from killing Dina, even though she had every reason to)

I can imagine different versions of the Santa Barbara sequence that offer a more edifying conclusion while still working in the environmental and gameplay components they seemed insistent on working in. It’s the one major portion of the game that, now that I’ve had time to process, I feel the most conflicted about.

Neither Ellie nor Abby “deserve” a happy ending in much the same way Joel didn’t “deserve” a happy ending. This game has no true protagonists or villains (anyone who is presented as a ‘villain’ is minor, and we don’t find out much about them anyway). I think Joel was lucky to get the time he got to live in community once again, to rediscover his humanity (look at all of those flowers they left at his house, this man who fucked over humanity and murdered countless people had a chance to live a few years of peaceful life again), I think Ellie was lucky she got time to even live what she did on that farm with Dina and JJ, and was lucky to still be alive at the end of the story. I think Abby was lucky to have been able to break free from a life of militaristic bullshit and rediscover some of her own lost humanity.

I think a lot of people admire Joel as a hero when it’s clear he was never one.

I think a lot of people admire Ellie and try to idolize her as the smarmy kid she could never permanently exist as.

I think a lot of people hate on Abby for EXISTING (and being a woman -gasp- WITH MUSCLES) and I’m pretty pleased with Laura Bailey getting to play this role (and Ashly Burch getting a supporting role in this game, too, for that matter).

I think The Last of Us is not ‘about Ellie and Joel.’ I think The Last of Us is about humanity, and exploring it through different angle. Sometimes needlessly gritty and dark ones, but Part 2 gave us even more light-hearted, pelasant moments than I could have expected. I think people who look so reductively at this game -- now officially a ‘series’ -- as ‘Joel and Ellie 100x forever’ and literally anything outside of that being bad and a waste of time fundamentally missed the entire purpose of this game, ironically ignoring what it is trying to passionately to convey. I think Naughty Dog’s marketing of the game actively misled people in ways that are rare for the industry, and I do think that is a bit shady - but on the other hand, being misled actively improved my experience with the end product (which is arguably why they did it). I think the way Sony has latched on Joel and Ellie as ‘Playstation Icons’ and encouraged people to buy up TLOU merch depite there not being much TO turn into merchandise says something.

Also? Frankly?

I am SO FUCKING TIRED of “angry sad dad” games.

Like. I loved TLOU 1, I loved the new God of War, etc. etc.

But God of War took basically NO RISKS and had NOTHING TO SAY that countless other pieces of media have said to death. That’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, I really enjoyed it and look forward to the next. But this game actually has challenging thoughts, complicated things, it is trying to get players to consider, and most everyone I see shitting on the game either hasn’t played it or doesn’t seem interested in games that exist for something beyond making them feel good about themselves? I dunno.

I think at the end of the day, TLOU as an entire series, and specifically the sequel, isn’t about Joel and Ellie, that was just the more focused lens the original game had. For its messier, muddier experience, Part 2 strives for nothing more than many pieces of media have but for something that is still rare in the space of AAA video games.

It takes some risks, it makes some missteps in getting where it goes, for sure, and it’s by no means some holy gift to mankid, but it passionately goes to GREAT lengths to explore and express a fairly simple idea: 

empathy is a choice, understanding others is a choice,

and we are all inherently better off when we choose to blindly accept understanding than when we blindly choose hate and violence.

Just because we can’t walk ‘the path of the right,’ and just because ‘we’re wrong’ doesn’t mean we should let the phantoms in our lives continue to keep a hold on our future. Just because someone does some good things doesn’t erase the consequences and ripples of the bad they have done, and just because we do bad things doesn’t mean we can’t do good.

The way to end the cycle of violence is empathy.

It’s simplistic in concept, but if you look around at not just the reception to this game even before people could play it, but just the STATE OF THE WORLD IN 2020, you will see that maybe we still need such basic, simplistic concepts to continue to be explored in big budget media.

[summonerscenarios]

this is my first ask here so please ...... be gentle. 😖 S-so wha-what are your T-Top 10 favorite Charakters in TAS? a-and could you give me l-like 1 or 2 reason please. (sorry if I write it weird I'm a little nervous) and if somebody already ask you this ...... I'm sorry

Heyya hun no need to be nervous it’s totally chill!!! Always happy to ramble about favs! Honestly I probably have waaaaaaaay too many favorites to narrow down (but honestly don’t we all?) but if i had to narrow it dowwwwwwwnn-

(also these are in no particular order)

I like Mr. Triton specifically because of the gogo event. Being one of the first events i played I’m not gonna lie it’s one of my favorites - his special event after the main event too was just PEAK. ALSO IS RESPECT FOR THE OCEAN? As someone who both deeply fears and loves it I WISH I had that level to just scream how much i love smth like that - it’s a powermove and honestly iconic.

I really like Shiro too! I’ve probs said it before but I see a lot of myself in him especially the flaws - it was essentially “lmao man that’s pretty funny...WAIT A SECOND-” Also the way he treats the D-evils???? They’re his kids you can’t convince me otherwise - he celebrates their birthdays and goes to their recitals like the doting father he is and that’s the FACTS.

Also Ryota! Being one of the first people aside from Sal that you meet I naturally got attached - but honestly after hearing how he struggles with a desire to be important to someone and to have that one of a kind relationship whilst fearing being left behind??? Man that shit hit me WAY TOO HARD. Like damn talk about too close to home aasdfghjkl. Also just the fact that he just wants people to be happy and not fight? Seriously if everyone in TAS had that mentality the game would be a hell of a lot shorter im just saying.

Okay this one is probably super obvious BUT THE CRAFTERS. I LOVE EM TOO MUCH SO TO SAVE SPACE IM BUNCHING EM UP. Kurogane and Heph especially like they’re honestly my favorite guild in the game so ANY time they show up I get stupidly giddy like ‘THERE THEY ARE THERE’S MA BOYS’ so you can imagine how happy I am with the current event going on rn~

Honestly all of the Shinjuku teachers are cool too! Though I do wish we got to see more of them! I love the dynamic between Jinn and Triton and honestly Mononobe’s just a stressed dad of an entire school just trying to keep em all together like SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A MEDAL AND CHAIR TO REST IN ASAP. Also Ziz??? Goddd I love her sm!!! She’s so nurturing (even tho it’s potentially self destructive) and I loved her in the valentine event! Plus when she said we were known as the trouble child? Yikes just shoot me in the knees it’ll hurt less asdfghjkl

Zao is also a fav tho it started off veryyyy reluctant! Honestly every time he got exasperated with the MC even I got stubborn when he demanded we back down and this is coming from someone with the backbone of wet spaghetti! The cave scene in his event though??? I will admit my heart did melt a little bit. ALSO MOUNTAINS??? HELL YEAH I WANNA CLIMB A MOUNTAIN SIGN ME UP I say as someone deathly terrified of heights asdfghjk

I also love a lot of the Yoyogi academy characters! Gunzo is probs my top fav from there because just his whole thing is just so cute. ALSO HIS DEDICATED DENIAL TO THE SPIRITS ON HIS BACK ONLY TO TRIP UP SO MANY TIMES AND PRETEND IT DIDNT HAPPEN??? THIS MAN CAN BE SUCH AN IDIOT SOMETIMES AND FUCK ME IF IM NOT SMITTEN. We honestly love lack of braincells in this house can relate I’m dumb as shit.

Durga too!! she’s honestly so headstrong and I can appreciate her drive to always be number 1! Tho I can totally understand how she goes a liiiiil bit too far (ie most of her events asdfghjkl) Also ngl she is super fun to doodle. 

MELUSINE. NEED. I. SAY. MORE. Like the more I learn about her the more I wanna find the person who broke her heart. Like dw just give me a name and location I just wanna talk. Her design is breathtaking and the more events I see her in the more I honestly just love her character.

GARMR. I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T MENTION HIM SOONER. ABSOLUTE BABY BOY. Like I KNOW realistically he’s a big ol rough n tumble guard dog who could break my bones with a too hard hug but that will NOT stop me from seeing him as a loyal fluffy child.

Idk if this counts but I also like the MC’s potential? like obviously the MC is mostly centered around what we as the player want them to be but they’re just so interesting to delve into??? especially because of their circumstances. Like they’re literally thrown into a world with nothing but a name and a phone and they’re flying through everything by the seat of their pants and because they’re ‘lucky’ enough to have 23 souls crammed into them??? LIKE THAT IS A LOT TO HAVE ON YOUR SHOULDER. if anybody needs to go to some kind of therapy its them - Also I personally hc that they probably have a severe attachment to all of the things that they have like photos and even little things like receipts and stuff just to know that they still have those memories to cling to because they dont have any prior - sad hours in this house tonight folks.

Okay I’m gonna stop here cause I know for a fact I’ve gone way over 10. Sorry about going a lil overboard there ^^’Thank you so much for asking darling and I hope you have a wonderful day~!

[hamliet]

MXTX Ladies Week: MDZS

I did Scum Villain’s awesome female cast last night, and now it is time for my favorite of MXTX’s novels, Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation. 

In MDZS, my main critique is that, while all of the female characters do get fantastic arcs, the vast majority of them die (though, granted, their deaths aren’t usually done just for the male characters’ sadness, but often do make sense for their own arcs. So that’s. Something. Still grumbly about it though). “The woman dies” is a similar trope to “bury your gays” and it’s... tiring. That said, I did find all the characters’ arcs incredibly well done. No one is fanservice; they are all complex and human.

I want to talk about the characters whom I haven’t talked about as much before, so that means less on SiSi and MianMian, as well as less on Madame Lan. See here for my meta on SiSi and MianMian, as well as here for my meta on Madame Lan. Throughout all of their arcs, there’s a common thread about calling out sexism. MianMian calls it out directly:

The person replied, “You’re...calling white black no matter how irrational it is. Ha, women will always be women.”

MianMian fumed, “Irrational? Calling white black? I’m just being considerate it as it stands. What does it have to do with the fact that I’m a woman? You can’t be rational with me so you’re attacking me with other things?”...

Holding in her tears, she shouted a moment later, “Fine! Your voices are louder! Fine! You’re the rational ones!”

She clenched her teeth and took off the crested robe she wore with force, slamming it onto the table with a loud bang. Even the sect leaders in the front rows, who weren’t paying attention to this side, turned around to see what happened. The ones beside her were indeed surprised. What she did meant that she was ‘leaving the sect’?

Soon, some began to agree, “Women will always be women. They quit just after you say a few harsh words. She’ll definitely come back on her own, a couple of days later.”

“There’s no doubt. After all, she finally managed to turn from the daughter of a servant to a disciple, haha…”

MianMian is looked down upon by the social hierarchy for being a woman and for being the daughter of a servant. Her lack of power against a sexist world is eventually countered by the fact that she’s one of the women who survive the novel, with a husband who follows her in night-hunting. As I said in my past meta, she steps outside a corrupt society.

Mistreated Wives Mistreating Children: Madame Jin and Madame Yu

Madame Yu is probably one of the most complex characters in the entire novel, which says a lot since she’s a minor character. But she and Madame Jin are said to be best friends who arrange the marriage of their children, and the two women are also foils. 

Both of them are mistreated by their husbands in a sense. Madame Jin has to deal with Jin GuangShan sleeping around and impregnating numerous other women, while Yu ZiYuan has to deal with the fact that Jiang FengMian clearly was in love with CanSe SanRen, not with her, and brought back CangSe SanRen’s child after Wei WuXian was orphaned. To be completely fair, Madame Yu’s dislike of and lack of respect for her husband is completely valid over this. However, what isn’t valid is her taking it out on all three of the kids at Lotus Pier. She abuses Wei WuXian and mentally abuses Jiang Cheng as well, and isn’t exactly awesome towards Jiang YanLi either. She constantly reminds Jiang Cheng that he can’t live up to Wei WuXian (projecting her own bitterness at not being enough to be loved like CangSe SanRen in her husband’s eyes), whom she despises for whom his mother was, and thereby exacerbates Jiang Cheng’s already deep insecurity issues (granted Jiang FengMian is responsible for this as well). But, she ultimately dies to save both Jiang Cheng and Wei WuXian, refusing to cut off his hand when she knows he is innocent. It doesn’t erase how she treated them while they lived, but it does add a level of complexity and tragedy: she knew Wei WuXian was powerless in these circumstances, as she had always felt, and she saves the kids before dying to defend Lotus Pier--with her husband, whom, it’s implied, did care about her but sucked at showing it. Almost like that’s a Jiang family trait.

Madame Jin is no better towards Jin GuangYao when he shows up. She did not object towards a child being kicked down the stairs on the basis of something he could not help, and Lan XiChen notes that she has him beaten regularly after he is accepted in the Jinlintai. Yes, she told off her husband for his arrogance, but she was trapped in her marriage with him and projected her pain onto someone who was not responsible for it (regardless of what Jin GuangYao did, she was abusing him). 

The point of both women isn’t that they’re horrible or that one is redeemed; it’s once again calling out the double standards and corrupt power structures at play. Jin GuangYao and Madame Jin are actually foils in that both abuse the power they have to target children who can’t help who their parents are (A-Song), because neither of them are able to truly demand justice from the person who is actually responsible: Jin GuangShan. 

The Bad Girls: Meng Shi, CangSe SanRen, and Madame Lan 

Or the women whom no one cared about enough to hear their stories. Madame Lan was a murderer and a parallel to Jin GuangYao and Wei WuXian as a result; the only way to save her life was to marry Lan WangJi and XiChen’s father. She’s noted to have been playful and fun, but she was only allowed to see her sons once a month, and she was confined her entire life, which is basically symbolic of how the cultivational society treats people: it traps them and isolates them.

CangSe SanRen is not described in much detail besides that, like Xiao XingChen, she left BaoShan SanRen to join cultivational society. Yet she still continued to flout its rules--cutting off Lan QiRen’s beard and marrying a servant instead of marrying a sect leader and gaining power. Rumors about her--that she had an affair with Jiang FengMian despite no evidence--and that she flouted society are then projected onto her son (symbolic of society’s unwillingness to change its corruption and power system)...

...which is just like how Meng Shi’s having been a prostitute is projected onto Jin GuangYao. People won’t even accept tea from him, believing his skin dirty on the basis of whom his mother was. However, everything we know about Meng Shi suggests she cared deeply for her son and chose to have him despite knowing what it would do to her popularity as a prostitute. Even when the other prostitutes comment about how she was a fool who kept hoping he would return, she still cared for her son and he repaid her by carving her face into the GuanYin temple’s idol. Jin GuangYao also expressly says that his father “wouldn’t buy [her] freedom,” implying that she did not have much of a choice about her lifestyle. Good job, society. Not. 

The Mean Girl: JiaoJiao

Okay, she’s kind of loathsome in personalty, petty and cruel and having an affair with an even crueler prince. Yet in a story that comments so much on privilege, it’s hard not to see her as a victim of circumstance as well; however, her proximity with the (then) pinnacle of corruption in Wen Chao and Wen RouHan means that she too misuses her power once she has it. She hurts innocents in Lotus Pier, she tries to kill MianMian just for being pretty, etc.

However, keep in mind that JiaoJiao’s prettiness is said to be what attracted Wen Chao to her, and it’s said that her family then received favors, such as the creating of their own sect. Her name is also noted by translators to be comparatively unsophisticated, implying that she likely came from a family that wasn’t exactly high up in society. None of this excuses her, but what exactly makes her fear of someone else being prettier than her and thus losing all the power she has (which she knew would happen eventually), and potentially her family suffering for it as well, all that much different than Jiang Cheng’s bitterness towards people more powerful in cultivation than him? Jiang Cheng had ShiJie and Wei WuXian and others to show him love and help him not become as cruel of a person (until she dies and then he does, indeed, torture people), but we know nothing about whether JiaoJiao had that. 

Desperate people cling to what they have. JiaoJiao, Wei WuXian, Jin GuangYao, and Jiang Cheng all show us this. It doesn’t excuse them, but neither does it mean they’re demons. 

Integrity and the Limits of Sacrifice: Wen Qing and Jiang YanLi 

Jiang YanLi and Wen Qing are in many ways the opposite of JiaoJiao: both are brave, kind women, and wonderful older sisters, even if Jiang YanLi is unassuming and Wen Qing bold. Both are inhibited by their power, though: Jiang YanLi’s talents are not cultivational in nature, and Wen Qing may be talented and brilliant as a doctor, but she is limited by her role all the same:

Lan XiChen responded a moment later, “I have heard of Wen Qing’s name a few of times. I do not remember her having participated in any of the Sunshot Campaign’s crimes.”

Nie MingJue, “But she’s never stopped them either.”

Lan XiChen, “Wen Qing was one of Wen RuoHan’s most trusted people. How could she have stopped them?”

Nie MingJue spoke coldly, “If she responded with only silence and not opposition when the Wen Sect was causing mayhem, it’s the same as indifference. She shouldn’t have been so disillusioned as to hope that she could be treated with respect when the Wen Sect was doing evil and be unwilling to suffer the consequences and pay the price when the Wen Sect was wiped out.”

The thing is: she did try to stop some of them, helping Jiang Cheng and Wei WuXian, but Jiang Cheng doesn’t speak up for her. Sigh. 

Both of them are also foils in how they both ultimately sacrifice their lives to save Wei WuXian... and it turns out that their sacrifice doesn’t protect Wei WuXian. Wen Qing tells Wei WuXian the story’s catchphrase “thank you, and I’m sorry” before turning herself in for execution with her brother, but all this winds up in is the BurialMounds being seiged anyways, all her relatives except Wen Yuan being killed, and Wei WuXian still dying. Wen Ning, too, is not killed but is made a weapon. Jiang YanLi, despite Wei WuXian having led to the death of her husband, pushes him out of the way of a soldier looking to kill him, and gets killed instead. But this only results in Jiang Cheng becoming enraged and helping kill Wei WuXian, and Jin Ling being left an orphan. 

However, because MDZS has a pretty nuanced view on sacrifice, it’s neither pointless nor to be admired. Wei WuXian is both Wen Qing and Jiang YanLi’s foil in this: he, too, is self-sacrificial to a fault. The novel pretty clearly implies that self-sacrifice can be a form of self-harm, as it is for all three of them. Yet, all three of them have a defining trait of deep love that ultimately enables them to have legacies that continue: Wen Yuan, Jin Ling, even Wen Ning survive, and Wei WuXian is given a second chance at life. It’s not that their sacrifices were ultimately selfish and didn’t matter or shouldn’t have happened; it’s that, without an unjust society, they should not have had to happen. Wen Qing should not have been condemned on the basis of her name. Jiang YanLi should not have been killed because Wei WuXian should never have been seiged. And Wei WuXian should never have had to feel like he had to prove his worth (keep in mind Yu ZiYuan’s last words to him are literally that he should protect Jiang Cheng with his life). 

The Victims: Qin Su, Mo XuanYu’s Mother, and Madame Qin

In this house we stan Qin Su. 

Talk about a woman who goes after what she wants. She is said to have pursued Jin GuangYao after he saved her during the Sunshot Campaign, rather than the other way around. 

However, during the sunshot campaign, Qin Su had been saved by Jin GuangYao. She fell in love with him and never gave up, insisting that she wanted to be his wife. In the end, they finally drew the period on such a romantic story. Jin GuangYao didn’t let her down either. Even though he held the important position of Chief Cultivator, his behavior was drastically different from his father’s. He never took in any concubines, much less had a relationship with any other woman. This was indeed something that many wives of sect leaders envied.

And yet, again, because of circumstances beyond her control and because of the abuse of power, she can’t have happiness. Jin GuangShan raped her mother (seriously, he’s the very symbol of power abuse in relation to sexism in this novel), who is too ashamed to tell her husband that his best friend assaulted her. We can’t fault Madame Qin for staying silent, and with Qin Su already pregnant, it’s difficult not to empathize with Jin GuangYao for feeling trapped and marrying her anyways--though it is his fault for not telling her, and for killing their son, as Qin Su basically states that the dividing line for her is because Jin GuangYao killed A-Song, not because of their blood relation. 

After a moment of silence, Jin GuangYao answered, “I know that you won’t believe me, no matter what I say, but it was sincere, back then.”

Qin Su sobbed, “… You’re still speaking such blandishments!”

Jin GuangYao, “I’m speaking the truth. I’ve always remembered that you have never said anything about my background or my mother. I’m grateful for you until the end of my life, and I want to respect you, cherish you, love you. But, you have to know that even if A-Song hadn’t been killed, he had to die. He could only die. If we let him grow up, you and I…”

With the mention of her son, Qin Su couldn’t bear it any longer. With a raise of her hand, she slapped him on the face, “Then who’s the one that did all this?! Just what can’t you do for this position?!”

In some ways Qin Su and Madame Qin could be seen as a potential foil for Madame Jin and Madame Yu, in that they both loved children who were forced upon them, who would have been scorned in the world’s eyes, and defend their wellbeing and life. 

Mo XuanYu’s mother was sixteen when Jin GuangShan found her, and she was noted to herself be the illegitimate daughter of a servant--but her father was not scorned for this, yet she was scorned for having a son outside of wedlock.

the elder one was the daughter of his principal wife, looking for a husband to marry into the family, while the younger one was the daughter of a servant. The Mo family originally wanted to hastily give her to someone, but an adventure awaited her. When she was sixteen, the leader of a well-known cultivation family was passing by the area, and fell in love with her at first sight.

...In the beginning, the people of Mo Village regarded the topic with contempt, but because the Sect Leader* often helped out, the Mo family received plenty of advantages. And so, the direction of the discussions changed, and the Mo family took pride in the matter, while everyone else also envied the opportunity. 

She was respected only for the value she could bring a poor village. And then when Mo XuanYu was cast out of the Jin Sect, it’s noted that:

After he went back home dejectedly, he was bombarded with ridicule. The situation seemed like it was beyond redemption, and the second-lady of Mo was not able to withstand the blow, shortly choking to death because of the trauma.

Considering Mo XuanYu’s makeup is of a hanged ghost and the mention of how she died, it’s pretty likely that she hung herself. 

Mo XuanYu’s mother, just like Qin Su, commits suicide in the end to avoid a cruel society that would not respond to plights that were in no way their fault with anything but cruelty. Jin GuangYao notes that Qin Su would be the “laughingstock of the world” and soon after she grabs a dagger in which her soul would be trapped forever--a dagger originally owned by again The Symbol of Abuse of Power in Wen RouHan--and kills herself in a chamber of secrets (literally, a secret treasure vault, because she could not survive these secrets coming to light not keeping them silent). Just like Madame Qin, neither of them have anywhere to turn to for justice or for compassion. In the cultivational world, they are already disadvantaged for being women, and their tragic ends show again how disgusting the society in MDZS is. 

Hope and Bravery: A-Qing

Of course it’s not the righteous cultivator and it’s not the strongest in cultivation who is the hero who finally gets justice in Yi City. It’s the beggar girl who pretends to be blind, the thief, with no cultivation. A-Qing’s ghost may be blind and mute, but she sees and speaks more than any of them. Her empathy enables the heroes to figure out what happened in Yi City, and she is mourned and lauded for her bravery for it.

She has little power in the world, so she lies to get the money she can. But what she does have is love and loyalty that foils Lan WangJi’s (though I don’t believe in any way that it’s remotely implied this love for Xiao XingChen is romantic!) Even after Xiao XingChen’s death, even after her own physical dismemberment and death, she continues to look for justice for him, and this eventually pays off.

Further Hope: MianMian

I addressed this a bit in my meta with her, but MianMian’s happy ending comes outside of society, and includes her marrying a man who respects her autonomy and wishes:

Luo QingYang gazed at her husband, smiling, “My husband isn’t of the cultivating world. He used to be a merchant. But, he’s willing to go night-hunting with me…”

It was both rare and admirable that an ordinary person, and a man at that, would be willing to give up his originally stable life and dare travel the world with his wife, unafraid of danger and wander. Wei WuXian couldn’t help feeling respect for him.

And MianMian still has a keen observation: that society in the world hasn’t changed (which Wei WuXian will also note in the last chapter when they find a new scapegoat villain in Jin GuangYao):

Luo Qing Yang sighed, “Oh, these people…” She seemed as if she remembered something, shaking her head, “They’re the same everywhere.”

But as long as there are people willing to be empathetic, to believe in justice and be brave, who can combine these--like A-Qing, Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian, and more--there is hope for healing, even if it takes thirteen years. 

[fallintosanity]

Since it's pride month, can I ask you what your headcanons are for everyones orientation in Providence? It's not something I can really see coming up in-story, but I'm curious nonetheless. :3

Hoo boy, anon, my answer to this is probably a lot more complex and in-depth than you were expecting, so BUCKLE UP Y’ALL LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION IN SOLDIER

(Note: I’m only going to talk about the original Compilation material for this, since that’s what TFA was written from and that’s what I’m writing Providence from.

Also all of my headcanons are colored by the fact that I am hella aro/ace myself so all flavors of allo are ??? to me)  

First off, major credit to @ageofzero​, who got me started down this headcanon path. The short version of their original headcanon is that SOLDIERs lose their sex drives due to the mako treatments, Jenova cells, and intense physical training regimen. After all, mako poisoning is a known Thing, and Jenova is a bizarre alien with no known gender (the original Japanese game never refers to her with any gender, and it’s strongly implied that her commonly-known feminine form is a shape she adopted to get close to the Cetra. Sephiroth only calls her “Mother” because Hojo lied to him that Jenova was his mother). 

I find this idea fascinating, and think it makes a lot of sense. Of the SOLDIERs we meet, only Zack seems to have any interest in forming romantic bonds with anyone, and even his relationship with Aerith is remarkably chaste. It’s impossible to know whether this is due to an actual intent to depict a chaste romantic relationship, needing to keep the games at a family-friendly rating, cultural differences between Japan and America in terms of how romantic and sexual affection are shown (especially in the 90s), the limitations of the game engine in terms of having the characters physically interact, or some combination of the above, but the result is that the canon we are shown does not include anything approaching a sexual relationship between two characters.*

Given all that, and given the unsettling implications you find if you so much as scratch the surface of ShinRa’s human experimentation**, I think it’s eminently reasonable to believe that however they might have started life, SOLDIERs no longer have sex drives or sexual desire. Which is all an incredibly long-winded way of saying, I headcanon all the SOLDIERs as some flavor of asexual: 

Sephiroth: Extremely aro/ace. I’ve talked before about how I think he sees people and relationships differently than humans do, and that extends to romance and sex. I’m not even sure “aro/ace” is the right label for him under those circumstances, but it’s close enough. 

Genesis: Ace, bi- or homoromantic. TFA and its non-canon side pieces suggest Genesis is romantically interested in Cloud (which I’ve been carrying into Providence), and we have no idea if he’s ever been romantically interested in anyone else. 

Angeal: Ace, probably either aro or heteroromantic. Like Genesis, we never see him express romantic interest in anyone, but it’s possible he does off-screen. 

Zack: Probably would have been bi or poly if he wasn’t in SOLDIER; as is, ace and bi- or poly-romantic. (but really only has eyes for Aerith) 

Kunsel: Ace, maybe demi-romantic? He’s eighteen in Providence and has been focused on rising through the SOLDIER ranks; I don’t think he himself knows for sure. 

Cloud: A bit of an outlier because I headcanon that he would have been aro/ace even if he hadn’t gotten the mako/Jenova treatments. At no point in any of the original game or greater Compilation does he express romantic or sexual interest in anyone. He cares deeply about Aerith and Tifa both, but at no point says or does anything to suggest that it’s romantic or sexual in nature. Tifa occasionally says things which imply she sees her relationship with Cloud that way, but he never responds in kind. At best, his childhood interest in her could be a bit of a puppy crush, but that doesn’t rule out aro/ace Cloud since so many aro/aces do experience puppy crushes or squishes that aren’t sexual/romantic in nature. Or it could be as simple as, Tifa was the popular kid and Cloud was the outcast kid, and he was interested in her because if she was friends with him, then maybe he wouldn’t be an outcast anymore. (I lied, I’m going to talk about the Remake for a second because I’m intrigued that it appears to have doubled down hard on ace!Cloud, to the point where a lot of people have said “I don’t normally have ace headcanons, but Remake!Cloud is ace”. He’s either completely oblivious to, or visibly uncomfortable with, half the cast wanting to get into his pants. Even when Aerith warns him not to fall in love with her, his objection is to her telling him what to do yet again rather than anything about his actual feelings.) 

Noctis: I realized as I was writing this post that I also headcanon Noctis as ace and probably aro- or demi-romantic. Like Cloud, we never see him express romantic or sexual interest toward anyone, which is notable given that he’s supposed to be marrying Lunafreya. He certainly seems to care deeply about her, but - like Cloud and Tifa/Aerith - his affection can be easily read as a close childhood friendship, and depending on which answers you give in the notebook choices, can canonically be brusque and uninterested. He’s also visibly uncomfortable with Gladio’s flirting (with other people) and Iris’s flirting (with Noct himself). Since we do see Gladio flirting, pretty brazenly sometimes, and we hear Prompto chatter about his crush on Cindy, Noct’s silence on the matter is telling. (He also throws an interesting wrench into the works around the SOLDIER castration headcanon, since he did get the treatments but they affected him very differently than everyone else. But I can’t say too much else there without venturing into spoiler territory.) 

So anyway hi, my name is Sanity and I have a lot of ace headcanons. ^_^;

* The closest we get is the scene near the end of the original game, with Cloud and Tifa under the Highwind before the final battle. The scene itself is, again, remarkably chaste. Depending on your Affection value with Tifa, it’s not even all that romantic; it reads mostly like two friends who have been through a lot together. The few lines that do shade toward romance all come from Tifa herself, not Cloud. Also, what Tifa says the next morning on the Highwind changes depending on whether or not your Affection value is high enough; if yes, she asks the others, “Were you watching?” and if no, she asks, “Were you listening?”. So it’s possible to get a canon path which suggests Tifa and Cloud did something she didn’t want the others watching, but 1) that still leaves a lot of room for interpretation, and 2) it’s equally possible to get a canon path which suggests nothing happened at all.

** I’m just going to quote @ageofzero​ here because they put it best: “It might've been an unintended side-effect, of course, but idk how anyone could've thought 'let's put Mako inside human beings' when everyone knows what a powerful burning energy source Mako is and what the hell that might do inside a human when people have likely already suffered Mako poisoning from building Midgar/the reactors. And also considering that Mako is a 'refining' of Lifestream that basically strips away all the benefits of Life within it, there's no way it's not some kind of reproduction dampening substance, among many other negative consequences. [...] ESPECIALLY since a lot of SOLDIERs probably start out in their teen years (Zack, and Cloud's attempt). They're still developing humans, and who knows what effects Mako has on someone who's still passing through adolescence???? Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth are all even worse off because they were babies when they were made prototype experiments for the SOLDIER method. [...] I can't imagine mako doing anything but turning the body into a weird toxic mess even if it is controlled and regulated so they don't suffer the loss of their mind. And what the hell does it do to SOLDIERs on a DNA level?? With how much mako (and Jenova cells) there is in their body, it could turn body fluids into burning/glowing/toxic substances. All body fluids. Or at the very least make it Not Good to be exposed to said fluids, if they're not directly toxic/mako-infused. It might very well be the brain turning off reproductive desires bc SOLDIERs are a biological dead end by the time they're strong enough to be considered SOLDIER. What a chilling concept (also hello I like thinking about weird biology).”

[fialleril]

Reading the snippet of Mara and all the posts of Anakin adopting people makes me feel really sorry for Ahsoka: the only one of the kids who had a relationship with him before his fall. And she still has no idea he's not evil! All the others know him as a double agent in some regard at the start of their personal relationships. Meanwhile Ahsoka is agonizing over having lost her Mentor/friend/brother to a fate worse than death.

Yeah.

Ahsoka’s part in all of this is painful, and I think it’s still going to be harder for her than for the other “kids” even after she learns the truth.

Leia’s always known Anakin as a double agent. She’s aware that he’s done horrible things in the past, but she’s aware in a kind of distant, removed way. She knows it happened but she hasn’t personally witnessed any of his deeds or any of the worst of their direct consequences, and the Anakin she knows now is someone she respects and cares for even while he’s continuing to keep up his cover as the Emperor’s enforcer. There’s also the fact that Leia is a Rebel Intelligence operative. She knows double agents. She’s used to the moral ambiguity that comes with the role. She’s used to working with and caring about people that she knows have done objectively horrifying things. Vader isn’t even the only double agent she knows who falls into that category. Compartmentalization is a necessary skill for a spy, and Leia’s not actually a particularly gifted politician, but she is a good spy.

Luke initially hates Vader, and in all of the currently published stories he still does, but that’s largely reliant on what Obi-Wan told him about Vader, and the fact that he witnessed Vader kill Obi-Wan. When all the truth comes out at Bespin, Luke is still left with the fact that his double agent father killed Obi-Wan, but he’s now dealing with that fact in a wildly changed set of circumstances, where suddenly his father is not dead and Vader is not evil and he doesn’t know why Obi-Wan lied to him but it’s clear that he did. Luke has always hero worshiped the idea of his father, and if anything there’s a real danger that knowing the truth will make him put Anakin on even more of a pedestal. In a twist of irony (the name of the game in this ‘verse), Anakin is likely to be the one defending Obi-Wan to Luke in the immediate aftermath of Bespin. Even after Anakin spells out all of the horrible things he’s done, there’s still the basic human reality that those things are, to Luke, stories he’s heard rather than realities he’s witnessed, and he still loves the father he knows now.

In Mara’s case, the moral conundrum that Luke and Leia do face with regards to Anakin is almost entirely absent, because she’s been raised and conditioned by Palpatine’s Inquisitors for as long as she can remember. She grows up believing that Palpatine’s power is absolute and that his will is the ultimate arbiter of morality. What he wills is right, and anything that displeases him is wrong. For her, Vader is the person who, slowly and gently and deliberately, pushes her towards a view of herself as a person rather than just an extension of the Emperor’s will. She develops a personal moral code and a sense of self and the ability to question authority and, eventually, to choose not to obey, largely because he gave her a secret, safe place in which she could begin to question. Even after she escapes from Palpatine’s clutches (and I don’t think it’s much of a spoiler to say that she will, because, hey, this is me), her view of Vader is pretty much entirely positive. Eventually, as an adult, she may learn of the horrible things he’s done, but she’ll always hold that knowledge side by side with the things she was taught to do, the way she was taught to see the galaxy, and the fact that he is the one who freed her from that. Knowing that he was once trapped by Palpatine in a very similar way will probably only serve to make her feel more kinship with him.

But Ahsoka... Ahsoka knew Anakin before. Ahsoka knew many of the people Anakin murdered. Ahsoka probably knew the kids he murdered. Ahsoka knew Padme. She knew Obi-Wan. She knew the Republic, with all of its flaws and all of its good qualities, too. She knows in a deeply personal way exactly how deep Anakin’s betrayal was.

Mara doesn’t have anything to forgive Anakin for. Luke and Leia do, but they’re both used to compartmentalizing in different ways, and they’re also both a little more distant from the things they have to forgive. Ahsoka doesn’t have that distance. And there’s really not an easy answer here.