#circadian vents

[the-apollen-echo]

I wish I was a boy < I wish my mom treated me the same she’d treat a son

[circadianventing]

Hey, long time no talk, huh? Thought for a bit that spilling all this shit in a tumblr blog was kinda cringe. But I’ve got no one to listen so

That’s a lie, I do. I can’t tell them now, it isn’t worth it, you know? They’ve got so much important things going on and I just can’t. I know I’m distancing myself but everytime I reach out they don’t respond

But, I guess that’s just how it is. Anyway, do you think some people are just destined to die? Like, they were put on this earth to sit and waste until something puts them out of their misery?

I think that’s me, but not in a weird “I’m going to be nothing” way, or a pseudo religious type thing. I just don’t think I’m put on this earth for a purpose, I was born a twin, a second to a son. I didn’t have a purpose to be here because my family did not want another baby with their son

I think if god is real he put me here to just, I don’t even know. Rot? That sounds really bad, lol.

I think however I’ll die will be just as meaningless as how I lived, honestly. And this isn’t a cry for help or anything, I’m passed that now, I know no one will come. And I won’t do anything stupid, I have a cat yk? She’ll forget eventually but…i can’t put that grief on her. Kinda sad that a cat is the only thing stopping me, I know the people I know won’t care. They’ll grieve but then they’ll go on, some of them might even spit on my grave.

You know..I just, I think of it as euthanizing, when an animal is sick or their quality of life is depleted you put them down. Why can’t it be the same for me?

And maybe I should talk to someone, professional help. Whatever.

I can’t. Because what am I supposed to say? Hey I failed the first second and third time, fourths the charm!! And have them lock me up again??

I can’t bring it to myself to say anything to my family either

My sisters are such amazing people, better and smarter I’ll ever be. I think if I go to the grave I’ll do so looking up at them. E is beautiful, she’s smart, she knows what she’s doing. L is funny, so funny. It’s insane man how funny she is, I don’t even know how to do that. But also, she’s so smart as well and clever, witty. I wish I could be just like her

And My mom doesn’t like me. I know I’m the last one she wanted. She wanted a boy so my dad and him to get along and she got what she wanted but got stuck with me, it’s obvious sometimes, how she looks at me, how she talks about me, she doesn’t like me, there’s disgust in her words, She wishes it was just my twin . I wish it was just my twin. I wish the doctors didn’t save me

More proof to my theory by the way, I can out not fully developed, misshapen lungs and bones too soft, unable to digest food. I was not meant for this earth and I know it

My family should be my sisters, my dad, my mom, and my brother. I don’t make sense in the equation

I’ve started other habits again, and I know they’re bad but not for /me/ they make me feel better, it hurts but I feel better after. It’s just a way to relieve anger and stress and all the other shit in my life

I know this blog isn’t therapy and I dont know how healthy putting this out there is. But, I guess I will anyway. Might as well, right?

I think I’ve also made my mind up about some stuff. Or maybe I was already predispositioned to it

Whatever

I think im going to catch the bus soon, just to see what it’s like you know?

See ya

(And if you got to the bottom of this, I love you, even if im undeserving of love, I still love you)

[allen-etcetera]

The human body is a marvel of biology. It's also extremely frustrating because I'll go to sleep and wake up just two hours later with the inability to go back to sleep until dawn. Additionally, my legs get itchy if I try to go back to sleep. Why did God create itching?

[eyrieofsynapses]

fuck. I need to stop staying up way too late and then setting my alarms for a little over seven hours after I went to bed under the mistaken belief that exhaustion from getting too little sleep will force me to go to bed earlier the next day.

nope! that just leads to chronic sleep deprivation even when you have literally nothing happening the next day, dumbass

I am so tired.

[notebeans-galaxy]

(wakes up at 4 pm)

4 pm to 2 am: oh god i am so tired i can barely move or stay awake (in sleepy daze for 10 hours, intermittently going back to sleep from 4 to 7 pm)

2 am to 7 am: oh wow i have so much energy! i can actually do things!! too bad i can't do them because i'd wake people up and everything outside of my house is closed and there's nowhere to go (reads, watches tv, and plays video games)

(sun rises around 7 am, 20 minutes later): i feel physically drained like i walked several miles even though i spent my entire day laying or sitting down doing low effort activities

[thethingything]

I now need to figure out whether to sleep now and wake up in time to call and book a doctors appointment, or just stay awake until the clinic opens. sleeping now is probably the better option so we don't have to be awake for a ridiculous amount of time, but we've also only just sort of gotten our sleep schedule back to something resembling what our body likes to do.

I don't want to completely fuck up our sleep schedule by immediately flipping it back round to being awake in the day, but I also know it's a bad idea to stay awake too long so I'm kinda torn on what to do

[anethara]

why am i so bad at sleeping.

[vampatty]

why does november literally always have to smack me in the face without fail like i swear to god if i'm not so depressed i can barely move or under extreme emotional duress then i'm having weeks long flare ups or my sleep is unfathomably bad to the point of making my chronic headaches come back and my autonomic issues so much worse. and while i'm at it FUCK this time change specifically this year because my new heart medicine causes temporary visual brightness esp w regards to sudden light changes so that + my already severe sensory sensitivity to light means i straight up cannot drive safely at night until it wears off which in turn means i can't fucking leave my house by myself after like 5:30 for however long it takes to go back to normal bc i live in an area w piss poor public transportation and my family and friends are all 45 minutes away by terrible terrible deer filled highway. all this to say fuck my stupid baka life this is literally my birthday month

[ihaveneverbeenasleep]

3 appointments in the next week and ones an overnight oximetry study, so i just know I’ll be completely alone and im already absolutely dreading ittttttttt

(I only got 3 hours of sleep last time so the fact they got ANY data was like. nice catch.)

But tonight im up, despite lunesta, valium, and pain killers, still awake. Because I am too afraid to sleep.

Ive had this fear for a couple years now. Falling asleep, not waking back up.

It’s only gotten worse as time passes. I feel like my time is running out. I should be awake for that, right?

But even if I want to sleep I have to be practically fucking sedated this is so unfair

[atherflame-theconcubus]

You know, I’ll sleep when I’m dead by set it off… That is my current mood right now. I’ve tried everything to fall asleep at a healthy time, I’ve had warm milk, I’ve had melatonin, gummy’s, I’ve used cat ASMR, I’ve used the lullaby playlist, I have done everything I can, and these things only work in the short term. I just wanna go to sleep.

[the-apollen-echo]

You know, I can’t help but thing how I’ve been in the same position as the writer and the person talked about in Call your mom by Noah Kahn

[circadianventing]

Having friends older than you sucks and don’t let anyone tell you different

I’m just sitting here watching my friend..my best friend for so many years grow up. And Im doing nothing, I can feel him moving on. I know how annoyed he gets when I’m immature or act stupid

I don’t want to lose my best friend but I can’t do anything to stop it

[meanya]

WHY DO I ONLY GET REALLY REALLY INSPIRED TO CREATE THINGS WHEN IT'S TIME FOR BED. THIS ISN'T FAIRRRR

[micha-lapin]

honestly, slowly falling back into my habits felt a bit.. disheartening since I've only recently been awake during the day and leaving my room and starting to feel as if I'm on the path of being better and alive, and I'm kind of scared of falling back into that cycle again

but remembering that healing isn't linear helped me there. hopefully next weekend I can get an energy drink and stay awake so that I can fall back into what is considered a normal schedule

[normal-newt]

Very tired. My medication is helpful but... if circadian rhythm changes, means stay up all night, then have to take waking up medicine.

Just want a nap.

[g-g-gh00st]

Haha wow high school is so fun!