circadianventing

[circadianventing]

Hey, long time no talk, huh? Thought for a bit that spilling all this shit in a tumblr blog was kinda cringe. But I’ve got no one to listen so

That’s a lie, I do. I can’t tell them now, it isn’t worth it, you know? They’ve got so much important things going on and I just can’t. I know I’m distancing myself but everytime I reach out they don’t respond

But, I guess that’s just how it is. Anyway, do you think some people are just destined to die? Like, they were put on this earth to sit and waste until something puts them out of their misery?

I think that’s me, but not in a weird “I’m going to be nothing” way, or a pseudo religious type thing. I just don’t think I’m put on this earth for a purpose, I was born a twin, a second to a son. I didn’t have a purpose to be here because my family did not want another baby with their son

I think if god is real he put me here to just, I don’t even know. Rot? That sounds really bad, lol.

I think however I’ll die will be just as meaningless as how I lived, honestly. And this isn’t a cry for help or anything, I’m passed that now, I know no one will come. And I won’t do anything stupid, I have a cat yk? She’ll forget eventually but…i can’t put that grief on her. Kinda sad that a cat is the only thing stopping me, I know the people I know won’t care. They’ll grieve but then they’ll go on, some of them might even spit on my grave.

You know..I just, I think of it as euthanizing, when an animal is sick or their quality of life is depleted you put them down. Why can’t it be the same for me?

And maybe I should talk to someone, professional help. Whatever.

I can’t. Because what am I supposed to say? Hey I failed the first second and third time, fourths the charm!! And have them lock me up again??

I can’t bring it to myself to say anything to my family either

My sisters are such amazing people, better and smarter I’ll ever be. I think if I go to the grave I’ll do so looking up at them. E is beautiful, she’s smart, she knows what she’s doing. L is funny, so funny. It’s insane man how funny she is, I don’t even know how to do that. But also, she’s so smart as well and clever, witty. I wish I could be just like her

And My mom doesn’t like me. I know I’m the last one she wanted. She wanted a boy so my dad and him to get along and she got what she wanted but got stuck with me, it’s obvious sometimes, how she looks at me, how she talks about me, she doesn’t like me, there’s disgust in her words, She wishes it was just my twin . I wish it was just my twin. I wish the doctors didn’t save me

More proof to my theory by the way, I can out not fully developed, misshapen lungs and bones too soft, unable to digest food. I was not meant for this earth and I know it

My family should be my sisters, my dad, my mom, and my brother. I don’t make sense in the equation

I’ve started other habits again, and I know they’re bad but not for /me/ they make me feel better, it hurts but I feel better after. It’s just a way to relieve anger and stress and all the other shit in my life

I know this blog isn’t therapy and I dont know how healthy putting this out there is. But, I guess I will anyway. Might as well, right?

I think I’ve also made my mind up about some stuff. Or maybe I was already predispositioned to it

Whatever

I think im going to catch the bus soon, just to see what it’s like you know?

See ya

(And if you got to the bottom of this, I love you, even if im undeserving of love, I still love you)

[circadianventing]

Having friends older than you sucks and don’t let anyone tell you different

I’m just sitting here watching my friend..my best friend for so many years grow up. And Im doing nothing, I can feel him moving on. I know how annoyed he gets when I’m immature or act stupid

I don’t want to lose my best friend but I can’t do anything to stop it

[circadianventing]

*sobs*

[circadianventing]

The feel when you have a plan and method but are just kinda…too lazy? To actually do it

[circadianventing]

Thinking about that bus stop here recently. How I missed my opportunity.

[circadianventing]

Who wants to catch the bus with me? It’s lonely riding alone

[circadianventing]

I

I think the worst part of losing your friends is losing your friends.

I think the worst part of distancing yourself from your friends is distancing yourself from your friends

I think the worst part of giving up is giving up

I think the worst part of saying goodbye is saying goodbye

[circadianventing]

Oh my fucking god Jesus why the ffuck are just AHASHHDHHHHHHHH

[circadianventing]

How am I supposed to explain that no matter the situation I must always be the one to have complete control over everything.

[circadianventing]

it’s not fair. It’s not fair that some can just live and live and live and live. Why do they get to be predispositioned to being happy. Everyday is a struggle why isn’t it like it to everyone else why can’t I be happy

they say god gives the toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. why am I on the front lines when I am so painfully weak.

[circadianventing]

I really hate to walk out of the door without a goodbye. Even if no one answers, I just want someone to know notice my lack of presence.

[circadianventing]

Sometimes I am forced to remember I am a person for better or for worse

[circadianventing]

I look in the mirror and realize I have my fathers eyes

[circadianventing]

why do i always do this?

is there something wrong with me? It feels good, it feels so fucking good to yell and hit and kick and bite. Why does it feel good? I’m so tired of this vicious creature living inside me but, I don’t think I could live without it.

I don’t think I could live without tearing myself down eventually.

I don’t know how to be a person. I don’t know how to live without hurting. Myself or others, it doesn’t matter which.

It feels good.

it feels good in a way I cannot possibly explain without sounding like I’m some horrible person.

I like to grit my teeth, I like to pace about my room, I like to stomp and scream and yell, I like to hurt.

At this point I’m not sure if my existence should come with a warning or not.

“caution: may cause harm”

Living like this feels better than the alternative.

At least being angry is being something I can’t just be ‘tired’ anymore I hate it I hate it

I hate these bones cemented in my body I hate my skin and all of its bumps and scars. I hate these eyes that are sunken and sad. I hate hands that are supposed to create but all I ever can seem to do is lie and hate and be angry.

I’m not supposed to be like this.

I’m not supposed to hate.

the alternative to hating and biting is lying.

I am a liar to my core.

every fundamental part of me is a liar. I don’t know how to live without it, just like I dont know how to live without hurting.

I’m sorry.

[circadianventing]

This fucker is still bleeding

it’s been like two whole ass hours and if it doesn’t have anything pressed up against it’ll just pour blood wtf is going on

//blood mention

cuts from shaving have no business bleeding as much as they do while being so small

[circadianventing]

//blood mention

cuts from shaving have no business bleeding as much as they do while being so small

[circadianventing]

"Ugh! Stupid sci fi movies that are like 'what if you had to pay to be alive?'. Um that's just being disabled! Selling literal minutes of your life as currency? That's just living under capitalism, idiot!"

My love. My dear. My precious baby bird. I am kissing you so gently on the forehead. Please listen to my words.

That is the point.

For the love of god, everyone, please learn the meaning of allegory, I'm dying here.