#chronic pain trauma grief nightmares ptsd the list goes on

[acutabovetherest]

I wish there was a way for me to die without traumatizing my loved ones 💔

[eulaties]

MYSTIC MESSENGER FIC RECS ★ YOOSUNG/MC ★ #5

fics that have an asterisk (*) in front of them are my personal favorites! also, all of the fics listed are completed unless otherwise stated.

NOTE: fic recs for all the yoosung simps <3 majority of these are sfw!

this list was last updated on 12/29/20.

if you want general mysme fic recs click here

if you want yooseven fic recs click here

if you want yooran fic recs click here

if you want juminv fic recs click here

*on the other end of the line • one-shot

SUMMARY: “fights and misunderstandings happen in any relationship, especially under stress. whoever suggested to get matching phone cases was corny enough as it is but ultimately a genius who unknowingly helped get messages across each side.”

TAGS: takes place post-yoosung route, established relationship, misunderstandings, arguments that eventually get resolved, fluff, soft fic!!

*finally • one-shot

SUMMARY: "this is a bit naughty but...i'm thinking about where i'm going to kiss you first." a fic based off of this voiceline.

TAGS: hickies, nothing too explicit happens, takes place during the rfa party

sickeningly sweet • one-shot

SUMMARY: “you and yoosung are too cute and so genuinely sweet to one another that it was almost gross to witness.”

TAGS: fluff, so much fluff, tooth rotting sweetness, short but cute fic

kiss the cook • one-shot

TAGS: yoosung cooks for mc, picky eater!mc, fluff, super cute

*hallelujah, i believe • one-shot

TAGS: takes place post-yoosung route, mc pov of yoosung through the years, fluff, gender neutral mc, falling in love, so cute omgg

i’m not upset • one-shot

TAGS: proposal fic, fluff, humor

convenience store romance • multi-chapter (5/5)

SUMMARY: “mc bumps into yoosung in a convenience store after a week of joining rfa, but doesn’t have the guts to tell him who she is. she decides to just hide from the boy, scared of her own growing feelings, but he’s a lot harder to shake off than mc thinks.”

TAGS: slow burn, first meetings, misunderstandings, mutual pining, first kiss, canon divergence, friends to lovers, fluff, light angst

*bystander • one-shot

SUMMARY: “yoosung passes by timeline after timeline until he gets to you. hints of his feelings come through the phone calls.”

TAGS: reset theory, mutual pining, one-sided pining, angst, mild fluff

*eleven layers • one-shot

SUMMARY: “yoosung shows you his skills as a part-time barista and you’re impressed at the rate of improvement he shows as well as the cheesy things he can incorporate in your drinks. you lowkey may be suffering from coffee overdose.”

TAGS: coffee shop au, barista!yoosung, established relationship, fluff

as luck would have it • one-shot

TAGS: fluff, first date, yoosung has really bad luck lmao, awkward but cute yoosung, takes place post yoosung-route

*a memory reflected • one-shot

SUMMARY: "i remember practicing how to ask you out to the mirror.”

TAGS: fluff, established relationship, timeskip, yoosung and mc are married

*truth, lies, and the in-between • yoosung-centric, one-shot

SUMMARY: “v was in a coma, rika was the head of a cult, and yoosung wasn’t sure what was true anymore, and what was a lie.” what if the true ending happened after yoosung’s route?

TAGS: hurt/comfort, angst, closure, post-canon

changes • one-shot

SUMMARY: “sometimes, it was still hard for yoosung to get used to change. not that he would complain.”

TAGS: gender neutral mc, post-canon, fluff

perfectly imperfect • one-shot

SUMMARY: “mc goes through a lot at the rfa party, but nothing compares to the feeling she gets the first time she meets yoosung.”

TAGS: first meeting, first kiss, fluff, yoosung route good ending, takes place during the rfa party

*fumbling in love • multi-chapter (2/2)

TAGS: fluff, kisses, flustered yoosung, established relationship, post-canon

*healing words • one-shot

SUMMARY: “life with chronic pain isn't simple, but having her by his side made it a little easier.”

TAGS: angst, hurt/comfort

CW: eye trauma

movie night • one-shot

TAGS: fluff, watching movies, established relationship, kisses, cuddling, flustered yoosung and mc, super soft and cute!

*the moment he fell for her • one-shot

SUMMARY: “his heart was racing non stop since the moment the new girl had joined the rfa. after a long time, that had felt like an eternity, he felt genuine joy and excitement. he was so happy and cheerful and everything seemed brighter, all the colours seemed more intense. the blue of the sky was like a promise, the green of the grass like a new vision of optimism."

TAGS: angst, healing, fluff, falling in love, pining

CW: mentions of depression, grief

staring • one-shot

TAGS: established relationship, post-canon, fluff, just mc admiring their husband, soft fic

wish • one-shot

SUMMARY: “you help yoosung make a wish on a shooting star.”

TAGS: fluff, established relationship

good night kiss • one-shot

SUMMARY: “—yoosung,” you say, interrupting his line of thought. “it’s… okay to give me a good-night kiss, you know.”

TAGS: fluff, flustered yoosung

dreams • one-shot

SUMMARY: “yoosung calls you in the morning just to tell you he dreamed of you.”

TAGS: fluff, takes place during yoosung’s route, phone calls, established relationship

never again • one-shot

SUMMARY: “now then...make your princess some dinner, daddy." you thought it might have been sexy, but instead, it just made yoosung faint.

TAGS: fluff, humor, nothing explicit happens

of course • one-shot

SUMMARY: “with a smile on his face, he reaches for his phone, positions the camera, and snaps a selfie. the picture is perfect, with him smiling softly, his one arm around you, and your own expression gentle as you lay there quietly.”

TAGS: yoosung good ending, post-canon, established relationship, fluff

stealth (?!) mode • one-shot

TAGS: seven being a little shit (and we love him for that), cosplay, anniversary, humor, fluff

joining in • one-shot

SUMMARY: “want to play lolol but only one chair? no problem.”

TAGS: fluff, established relationship, gender neutral mc, soft!!

in love with a stranger • one-shot

TAGS: yoosung pining for mc, summer vacation with the rfa, fluff, confessions, first kiss

*dwelsinge • one-shot

SUMMARY: “on his bad days, yoosung finds it hard to count his blessings.”

TAGS: nightmares, post-yoosung’s after ending, angst, hurt/comfort

*wake with you there • one-shot

SUMMARY: “yoosung finds out that being sick (and a little bit loopy) isn't all that bad when you wake up to the one you love taking care of you.”

TAGS: sickfic, fluff, humor, comfort, established relationship

*a day of firsts • one-shot

SUMMARY: “yoosung's first day working at rika's coffee shoppe. he meets a special someone.”

TAGS: coffee shop au, barista!yoosung, fluff, humor, 707 being...707, saeran is just vibing

*never ending • one-shot

SUMMARY: “sometimes ten years will contain so much, yet feel like no time at all.”

TAGS: post-yoosung’s after ending, domestic bliss, fluff, humor, yoosung through the years

*compromised operation • one-shot

TAGS: domestic fluff, humor, mc trying to surprise yoosung for his birthday

*all the lights • one-shot

SUMMARY: “yoosung contemplates the different types of wishes he's made throughout his life so far.”

TAGS: wishes, fluff, post-yoosung’s route

*sleepless nights and amber lights • one-shot

TAGS: angst, nightmares, hurt/comfort, happy ending

CW: ptsd

[ladyanatui]

Ultimate Daiken Playlist, Pt. 1

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

This is the abridged version of my Spotify playlist for all things Daiken, mostly in order from the start of 02 to...eventually. Even so, this is still a pretty damn long list. My original aim was for 30 songs, but...uh, yeah, I surpassed that pretty quickly. It’s around 75 now. Yikes. So I split it up.

I have problems with self-control. Especially when it comes to my babies.

Part 1 specifically covers from the start of 02 to just after the defeat of the Digimon Kaiser.

TRIGGER WARNING: This post discusses depression, suicide, emotional abuse, and PTSD quite a lot. Take care of yourself, folks!

Spotify Playlist

Click the song titles for YouTube links (apparently you can’t have more than five videos in a post), and otherwise, enjoy me rambling about Daiken...as I am wont to do.

One final note: Within the lyrics, I’ve emphasized meaningful words, such as night/nightmare, dark/darkness, miracle(s), kind/kindness, courage/bravery, friend/friendship, sun/star/light, fire/burn/ignite, angel(s), and words related to water/drowning.

“I’m Just a Kid” by Simple Plan

I think I got a lot of friends But I don't hear from them What's another night all alone When you're spending every day on your own

I envision this as Daisuke’s life before becoming one of the Chosen, before meeting Ken. It’s pretty well established that Taichi and Hikari are the only legitimate friends he has during that time, aside from (possibly) his soccer teammates, but he’s not close with any of them. And worse, his home life is obviously not great: His parents ignore him, and his sister irritates him just to irritate him. That may seem like a normal brother/sister relationship, but a 17-year-old slapping her 11-year-old isn’t normal or healthy.

The truth is, Daisuke has no legitimate example of healthy family interactions, and in some ways, his home life is as emotionally abusive as Ken’s was. His parents insult him (his father calls him his “stupid son” when Ken first visits) and ignore him (Daisuke repeatedly says his parents wouldn’t notice if he didn’t come home and lies to them to avoid spending time at home), so he has no idea how to respond to compliments.

This also means that he latches on to the people he cares about, much the same way Jun latches on to attractive boys. He idolizes Taichi (calling him senpai when speaking with him directly), and he constantly seeks attention from Hikari. Since we don’t know what Daisuke and Hikari’s relationship was like before Takeru shows up, it’s all speculation, but Daisuke was probably way less aggressive and possessive of her before someone came to try to take his one friend away.

So Daisuke has no idea how to show affection (whether familial, platonic, or romantic) in a normal, healthy way. He’s never had a close friend (or any real friends probably), and he’s never been close with any of his family. He’s actually lived an incredibly lonely life.

“Dark Blue” by Jack’s Mannequin

This flood This flood is slowly rising up Swallowing the ground Beneath my feet Tell me how anybody thinks Under this condition So I'll swim, I'll swim As the water rises up Sun is sinking down

Similarly, this functions as Ken’s theme song for events prior to the start of 02. There are a lot of references to water--“flood,” “swim,” and I believe there’s talk about drowning as well--which is very fitting because of the Dark World (Ocean), but also because Ken obviously suffers from depression and the idea of drowning is one of the most used and most accurate descriptions of what chronic depression feels like (trust me, I know!).

But my favorite part of this is the last two lines from the quote. Let’s be real, the sun is a huge symbol when it comes to our goggle boys--they are bright, cheerful, energetic, and so fucking bright they could rival the sun itself. When Ken is so incredibly surrounded by darkness, Daisuke is the sun. There are so many things that support this, but most importantly:

The Crest of Courage is shaped like the sun. It doesn’t get more overt than that.

When V-mon evolves to Magnamon, it’s described as: “It was a miraculous evolution. As beautiful as the rising sun shining brightly on the world.”

Daisuke is the sun. Ken is the world. And Ken needs his sun to help him out of the darkness.

“Send Me an Angel” by Highly Suspect

Open fire on my burning heart I've never been lucky in love My defenses are down A kiss or a frown I can't survive on my own

Send me an angel Send me an angel Right now, right now

Before they met, before 02 actually starts, both Ken and Daisuke are effectively alone. Yeah, they’re surrounded by people (Daisuke more than Ken), but never of them have any real friends or close relationships.

This song is something I see Daisuke feeling in his more introspective moments (rare, I know), as what he needs more than anything is true love and companionship. When I say love here, I don’t necessarily mean romantic. While, yes, Daisuke has poor luck in romance (Hikari, hello!), he has poor luck with platonic love as well.

And I’m all for anything that references Ken as being an angel. Obviously, Ken would never agree to that sentiment, but a lot of the time, it feels like that’s how Daisuke views him. To Daisuke, [post-Kaiser] Ken is this amazing, beautiful, even verging perfect person, and you can see he feels that way just from the way he looks at Ken.

I also chose this song because it’s a small reference to something I drew not too long ago, which itself is based on a Lilo & Stitch meme.

“Duality” by Set It Off

I can't quite contain or explain my evil ways Or explain why I'm not sane All I can say is this is your warning

It's a cloak or disguise unleashed, gonna get it off No, I'll never get away Cause if I try to stray It only holds me closer No, I'll never get away I'll have it any way

Okay, this is very obviously a Kaiser song. But it’s also a Ken song. The whole thing about this song is that Ken is trapped as the Kaiser and doesn’t have full control over himself. And can he actually explain why he does the crazy evil shit he does? His explanation is that he thought the Digital World was a video game, but that’s obviously not the full picture. He can’t fully explain because the Dark Seed is what makes him evil as opposed to simply sad and lonely and traumatized.

“Numb Without You” by The Maine

You are my last, you are my first You kill me for the better You are the rising tide You're every fucking thing inside me now

You are the violence in my veins You are the war inside my brain You are my glitter and my gloom I am so numb without you

This is another Kaiser/Ken song. To an extent, this song has a sort of sadistic romantic aspect to it, but I’m choosing to ignore those undertones in favor of just the creepy sadistic part. This is sort of Ken singing to his Kaiser persona and also to depression in general. Because the Kaiser is the “rising tide” (oh, look another reference to water!) and the manifestation of his grief and trauma and mental illness.

But as the title of the song suggests, the Kaiser persona is also what allows him to still feel something. Without it, he’s in the complete numbness of his depression (which sucks, trust me), and he would rather have the Kaiser, who is violent and angry and bitter, instead of the absolute numbness of his grief and depression.

“Deer in the Headlights” by Owl City

Tell me again was it love at first sight When I walked by and you caught my eye Didn't you know love could shine this bright? Well, smile because you're the deer in the headlights

Met a girl boy with a graceful charm But when beauty met the beast, he froze Got the sense I was not her his type By a black eye and bloody nose But I guess that's the way it goes

Note: I (obviously) changed a few pronouns in the quote. It should be apparent what I altered based on formatting.

Here, we see the first time Daisuke and Ken meet. And I’m talking Ken (although evil Ken), not the Kaiser. Yes, this is referencing the soccer match they play against each other in episode eight.

It’s pretty damn obvious that eleven-year-old Daisuke is completely enamored when he meets the famous Ichijouji Ken. He blushes and stumbles over his words, and he is so overwhelmed and happy that Ken remembered his name after the match was over. He admires him, and when Ken tells him that he’s the first person to ever stop that move in the match, Daisuke just looks so pleased to hear the compliment.

Also, bonus points for any song that references the sun or light: “Didn’t you know love could shine this bright?”

“Love the Way You Hate Me” by Like a Storm

You say I'm insane I say You're afraid I get stronger from the pain I love the way you hate me

I'd rather be a sinner than a slave I'd rather be an outcast than just bow down and obey When it's all done there's only one Name upon my grave I'd rather be a freak than be a fake

Another Kaiser song. While the previous song could be placed pretty much any time during the first fifteen episodes or so, this one is distinctly set after they find out the Kaiser is Ichijouji Ken. The focus here is on the way the Kaiser (emotionally) gets off from how much the Chosen Children, Daisuke especially, fight against him and hate him. He enjoys watching them try so hard and keep failing because, while he desperately wants to have an opponent, he loves to win more--he does think it’s a game, after all.

“Lock Me Up” by The Cab

Why don't you Lock me up with joy and kisses? Lock me up with love? Chain me to your heart's desire

I don't want you to stop Lock me in and hold this moment Never get enough Ain't no way I'm ever breaking free Lock me up

This song is mostly in reference to the serious foe yay aspect to Daisuke and Kaiser Ken’s relationship for the first half of the series. The homoerotic subtext in their relationship is ridiculous, especially since they’re two eleven-year-old boys, one of whom (theoretically) has a huge crush on a female friend for the first half(ish) of the season. But you can bet that, if the Chosen Children had a second enemy during the Kaiser’s days, the Kaiser would be pissed and pull the whole “No! Motomiya’s my enemy. Only I can defeat him!” bit like he’s Kaiba Seto or something.

“Fallen Angel” by Three Days Grace

How can I take the pain away? How can I save...

A fallen angel in the dark Never thought you'd fall so far Fallen angel, close your eyes I won't let you fall tonight Fallen angel

But then there’s comes the very important part where Daisuke has a revelation. When he and V-mon meet Wormmon on the Kaiser’s base, Wormmon is determined and takes them to the Digimental of Miracles in an attempt to help them defeat the Kaiser and bring back his kind-hearted best friend. The moment Daisuke touches the Golden Digimental, something changes: It’s connected to Ken because it’s borne from his Crest of Kindness, and Daisuke is able to see that there’s more to Ken than his Kaiser persona. He knows that there’s good in him before they’ve even defeated him, and he wants to help him.

And seriously, bonus points for a song from Daisuke’s POV that refers to Ken as an angel. I’ll fight anyone who says he doesn’t see Ken that way. Legit.

“Breaking Down” by I Prevail

Lies, every time they ask me I just tell 'em that I'm fine Try to hide my demons, but they only multiply Keep me running from the voices on repeat inside my mind Everybody fucking hates you

I guess I never noticed how it came creeping in My enemy emotion but I can't sink or swim I say I'm feeling hopeless but no one's listening But no one's listening, but no one's listening

This song is in reference to the way Kaiser Ken’s psyche is falling apart. He’s having doubts. Creepy voices are talking to him. He’s confused about how the Chosen Children are actually defeating him. Chimairamon is a freaking nightmare and totally uncontrollable. And Ken is about to have a goddamn breakdown.

“Goner” by Twenty One Pilots

Though I'm weak Beaten down I'll slip away Into the sound

I've got two faces Blurry's the one I'm not I need your help to Take him out

Look how far we’ve come! We’re almost to the Kaiser’s defeat! (Dear god, this is a long playlist...)

Ken isn’t aware of how much he needs Daisuke to help him at this point. He’s too busy being the Kaiser and, you know, having a mental breakdown. But it’s important that Daisuke is the one there to help bring everything down. V-mon evolves to Magnamon and defeats Chimairamon with some badass moves (he is a Royal Knight after all), and Daisuke and the rest of the Chosen Children are finally able to get through to Ken.

“Not Gonna Die” by Skillet

Break their hold Cause I won't be controlled They can't keep their chains on me When the truth has set me free

Only when he realizes that the Digital World isn’t a game is Ken able to break through the hold that the Dark Seed (and Oikawa and BelialVamdemon, etc.) have on him. He tears off his Kaiser clothes and goes back to being just Ken. Just sweet, kind-hearted, adorable Ken.

Parts of this song, though, would be from Daisuke’s perspective. He’s determined, even though they have defeated their enemy, to help Ken, even that simply means sending him home to his family instead of letting Ken just waste away, which is frankly what it looks like he’s about to do during this scene.

“Tell Me Why” by Three Days Grace

Tell me why Does everything that I love get taken away From me? Why does everything that I love get taken away?

How come nothing ever lasts? It goes from good to bad to worse so fast All it takes is one and I'm gone, and you can't erase the past How come nothing ever lasts?

Obviously, this is a Ken-centric song, the focus being on his past when he saw his brother’s death, though Osamu’s death is nowhere near his fault. Yet again, Ken goes through a traumatic experience (Wormmon’s death), and for the first time, this is (somewhat) his fault.

While I linked the subs version, the English dub of this scene actually has a line almost exactly like this song: “Not again. Wormmon’s gone. Just like my brother. I was helpless to save him, and now I can’t save Wormmon either. Why do I keep losing people?”

Sorry, were you not wanting to cry today? ...Oops.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

[acutabovetherest]

December 4th I overdosed and tried to slit my wrists. It’s been a month.

[acutabovetherest]

I can’t wait to join my love in death 🥰

[acutabovetherest]

When I’m finally able to say goodbye my heart will swell and sing with such ardent peace.

Until then I will tear myself apart with guilt for what I’m going to do to my loved ones. And beg god to kill me so I don’t have to. 💔

[acutabovetherest]

Sometimes I wish my loved ones understood the level of pain I’ve experienced in the last 20 years that would drive me to end my life. Despite all of the things they did to support me and keep me alive. Those things helped me stay alive as long as I did. It doesn’t mean that I am ungrateful and spit on their help when I attempt or finally die. It’s that I have tried to stay for so long and I have suffered and endured too much to keep staying. I simply couldn’t bear anymore. Sometimes I wish they understood the pain- but at the end of the day I’m glad they don’t understand. Even if it means they are angry with me or hate me. I would rather accept their vitriol than have them relate to this level of pure agony and affliction. And this isn’t to say that my loved ones haven’t had pain and suffering. But if they just think me ungrateful and spiteful for attempting and eventually completing, then they do not understand the specific depth of despair that leads to ending one’s own life. I need relief.