#choices to improve how I go about school and self care and other responsibilities

[peapod20001]

*beats whatever part of my body that is releasing an abundance of stress chemicals every time I see something that’s a .07 / 100 on the stress scale*

[yuri-is-online]

Could you share some of your ideas on improving the Twilight series?

There are a few ways that we can fix Twilight, but for now let's just focus on keeping its original premise: Bella moves to Forks, meets Edward, and is swept up into a word of supernatural happenings. I'm going to go through my issues one by one and then get to some overall points, this got stupidly long for no good reason I am so sorry.

I will note that I had to google some information about what happens in the first and fourth books because I did not watch those movies and I think I might have read the first book? But don't remember anything that happened in it.

Bella's Personality

Or lack of one is getting changed immediately. Stories are driven by the actions and desires of their characters and Bella is our MC. We need her to have reasons for making the choices she does beyond "she has to do this for the plot to progress."

Bella moves to Forks because she notices that her mother seems unhappy staying at home with her and not on the road with her new husband. From this we can assign Bella as being self-sacrificing, maybe to the point of self-sabotaging. She also is very self-reliant; she doesn't think she needs help from other people, especially not those who have a degree of authority over her because she assumes their help comes from them assuming she cannot take care of herself (and maaaaybe think that she's a burden) and not from a place of love.

When Jacob expresses a dislike of Sam, Bella supports him and validates his feelings. She is extremely upset and confused when he has suddenly changed his tune later and goes to confront Sam about it. In the movie this comes off as manipulative, as it seems like Bella is only really upset that Jacob isn't 100% focused on her anymore. I hate this! It makes the story much better if Bella goes to confront Sam because she is protective of her loved ones. Edward says he is afraid of not being able to protect her several times and she always responds with "then I'll protect you!" She should mean that! Let her be the over protective friend who will throw hands!!!

The one thing I do remember about the first book is an off hand remark about how "special and not like other girls" Bella was because she had already read Jane Austen for fun and that made her only able to relate to old people (something I had just gotten done doing which was probably why I stopped reading the book because middle school Yuri felt very insecure) and she also seems to like Shakespeare. But the books never seem to do anything with that, and it was pretty much the law in the early 2000s that your YA heroine needed to be into classic lit so it is a sort of basic trait. But it is still a trait, so Bella likes classic lit.

One of the things people unironically like about Twilight is how Stephanie Myer portrayed depression. Bella seems to be struggling from some pretty severe issues with her self-esteem and self-worth. She wants to be a vampire because she thinks it will fix her issues with herself; she's afraid of growing old and not being desirable to her partner which is sadly a very common fear people have so it makes her relatable which is good for the protag of a novel... but

If you are going to cover topics like self-loathing and depression we need to have a think about how to handle those topics responsibly which I don't think the og Twilight series does... for now let's just keep in mind that depression and self esteem are themes we should keep for Bella's personal character arc.

The Parents

Bella refers to both of her parents by their first names, unless she's talking to them. As someone who does this with her mother... that's not really something you do overnight or if you have an actual relationship with your parent. You can actually physically feel the gap between you, and it kind of sucks sometimes. It also explains a lot of those character traits listed above

Bella's mom sucks ass and I was surprised to find that's not as controversial of an opinion as I thought it would be. She is more invested in her relationship with her new husband than she is her daughter, Bella apparently was the primary cook, Bella keeps secrets from her mom because her mom's mental and emotional well being is extremely reliant on her, and to top it all off apparently she told Bella a bunch of intimate details about how she left her dad which IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD DO OH MY GOD. It isn't healthy for a kid to know the intimate details about the break down of their parent's marriage!!! Especially if it was messy!!! That's so damaging for a kid, it's a form of parentification where the child is forced to emotionally parent the person who is supposed to be doing the actual parenting. Charlie is a character no one seems to have any major complaints about, and that includes me: I think keeping him more or less the same works. He deeply loves his daughter and wants to have that personal relationship with her he never got to have while she was primarily living with her mother. His reactions to the things that happen in the series are completely normal and he shows the appropriate level of concern when Bella enters her depressive state after Edward breaks up with her.

The main thing I would change about how the parents are portrayed has to do with the break up between Edward and Bella in book 2. I think it was mentioned that Bella did not want to go to therapy... but given the circumstances: major depressive episode, night terrors, potentially abusive relationship, all after a major life change (the move to Forks) it would make sense to me for Bella and Charlie to go to a family therapist together before Bella goes to individual sessions. The breakdown of her parent's marriage, her mom's parentification of her, and her lack of real relationship with either parent is something I would want to see addressed and it's realistic for family therapy to be suggested with all those factors I mentioned. Bella doesn't need to have a fully mended relationship with her dad by the end of the series, but it would make the story a lot better if by connecting with him through family therapy she decides to trust him enough to tell him about Edward being a vampire and Jacob being a werewolf.

The Cullens

I have watched one episode of Vampire Diaries, so the concept of a why a bunch of vampire's would want to go back to highschool isn't too much of a concern for me.  Using it as a way to re-learn what society is like makes sense… but that needs to be the stated reason and not vaguely implied.  It also makes more sense to me if Rosalie and Emmet don't attend the highschool and instead pretend to be college students who live with Emmet's parents.  Japser, Alice, and Edward are enough to work with, adding more characters to do nothing with doesn't actually help the flow of the story. And oh god does a lot of nothing happen in the actual series.

The overall concept for their characters doesn't bother me too too much.  They're vampires who abstain from human blood and are empowered by not succumbing to their thirst, that's a pretty basic plot line and more importantly it gives us a conflict to work with.  Everyone thinks the sparkles are dumb, so instead let's just go with the Dracula thing where they can't use their powers during the day.  Since the Cullens are supposed to be stronger due to their lack of preying on humans, maybe they can use their powers but not as effectively? Alice still gets visions for example, but Edward has trouble telling whose thoughts are whose, Jasper can't always get a frim grip on people's emotions, Emmet isn't as strong, and Rosalie sort of just looks tired as opposed to beautiful. 

The Volturi

They are the oldest vampire coven and potentially the largest. Again don't have much of a problem with this or wouldn't rather if they had some fucking character. I had to google Aro's name. He's one of their leaders and the only one who I felt was actually acting in the whole movie and I had to google his goddamn name. Also I am only going to mention this once and I am only going to talk about it here but:

Stephanie Myer is a Mormon and as a result her world building is very Mormon. Did you know Aro has a wife? I didn't, but pretty much every major character in the series is married and lives with their "children" and their children's spouses. Which is a fine way to live if you aren't weird about it but I don't trust these people aren't.

Anyway all of this section is to stay that they Volturi can more or less stay the same as they are already, but the rules they've established for vampire kind need to be introduced to the reader (and their existence) almost immediately instead of in book 2.

The Werewolves

The biggest thing I would change about the werewolves is the bit about them being "awakened" by the presence of vampires.  I think it makes more sense if the wolves just awaken when they feel a strong need to protect their family period, the presence of vampires just makes the process speed up a whole lot because of the tribe's history.  I also think it makes sense for the Pack to be viewed as sort of protectors of the land and the people from supernatural threats by humans who are aware, and for this to be sort of emphasized with Charlie's relationship with Jacob's dad and grandfather. 

I mentioned that I would have Bella and Charlie connect after going to family therapy, but now that I think about it, I would also have Charlie know about the werewolf pack before Bella tells him.  He leaves the supernatural policing to them and focuses on the human crimes, that way he's able to focus his resources and protect his people better.  Maybe he comes to Bella first and admits he's been lying to her and lays out what he knows and that's what gets her to open up about Edward being a vampire.

Misc.

From what I have managed to piece together, the main "plot" of twilight is that Bella and Edward meet, they stare into each other's eyes a whole bunch and realize one has good smelling blood and the other is a vampire. Edward introduces Bella to his coven and some other vampires show up??? And want to eat Bella??? And then they run away and oh no. The evil vampires have found them again and try to eat Bella and then Edward kills him but leaves his wife alive so the rest of the books are just a girlboss trying to get revenge on Edward by killing his partner. Until the last book when the Volturi show up angry because Bella isn't a vampire yet and has given birth to a half vampire and while I am on that last point: no half vampire baby, we are throwing out that whole ass plot point. I think people sometimes go overboard in assuming Mormon creators make everything about their fiction Mormon but there is nothing more fundamentalist than immediately getting married and having kids at 18. It doesn't need to happen, we can just re-write that whole book. Ok? Ok.

This is probably where most of the variations in how to fix the series come in tbh. Is it just a romance series? Do you want supernatural adventures? What are the stakes? Do we address the abusive undertones to Bella and Edward's relationship and make it a plot point or do we try to fix Edward? The original series doesn't have much going on in it... except for one thing which I want to bring up now.  If you like the idea of Twilight (vampire romance set in a small town where supernatural stuff happens) I would highly recommend playing the Wayhaven Chronicles by Misha Jenkins.  Because she also has a protagonist with special blood that is enticing to vampires and blocks their powers… but in her interactive fiction series she explains it as being a natural mutation humans have evolved to protect themselves from supernaturals.  Their blood also empowers all supernaturals, not just vampires.  Both of these ideas are ones I like, but since the only creatures we are working with in Twilight are Vamps and Werewolves, let's keep Bella's blood to only effecting vampires.

For my part, the more I have thought about Edward's character, he doesn't seem like he's mature enough to be in a relationship. He clearly has some unaddressed traumas about his vampirism that are getting in the way of him making friends let alone a girlfriend, so for my "fixed" series he isn't Bella's endgame.

Anyway here are some more specific bullet points idk:

Book 1

James the tracker gets introduced before the actual vampire reveal happens.  He tracks and attacks Bella, Edward protects her, and they start hanging out more based off of a mutual attraction fueled by Bella's desire to be needed and Edward's desire to preserve what he perceives to be as a pure human soul.

Alice becomes Bella's first real good friend and encourages her to explore things that interest her.  Bella starts taking care of her appearance a bit more, not in a "oh good she wears make up now" way but in a way where she buys clothes because she likes them and not because her mom would approve of them and remembers to brush her hair.

Jacob is introduced and Bella thinks of him as friend, it's clear she sees him as still a kid and doesn't take him seriously.  This bothers him, but we don't find out why in this book.

Edward tells Bella that James isn't something she should worry about any more, but that is a lie.  He has been attempting to protect Bella on his own, with some help from Emmet and Rosalie on occasion, but he feels a personal responsibility to keep James away from Alice and Bella. (Alice apparently was turned by James or something? Anyway this should be a bonding point for Alice and Bella)

He still breaks in to watch her sleep and all that shit and Bella rationalizes this, even claiming to be flattered as all she's ever really wanted is to be cared about and this feels like someone cares.

But then she gets a call from James threatening her mother and because Bella sees herself as her mom's protector she runs straight into that trap.

Blah blah blah Edward has to drain poison from Bella, they officially start dating.

Book 2

Bella's birthday.  She doesn't like being the center of attention or birthdays in general and no one really seems to get this.  Her dad asks if she wants a cake or something and promises not to buy candles, and since Bella likes cake she agrees if he promises not to sing.

Her friends at school wish her happy birthday except for Jacob who gives her his present "just because."  It's clear to Edward that Jacob is someone she cares about and this makes him jealous because he cannot stand seeing her interact happily with someone else.

Alice has planned a birthday party for Bella and is extremely excited to officially introduce her to the rest of the family, even though she has already met them, since she knows how much Edward likes Bella and she's rooting for him.

Blah blah blah, cut happens, Jasper freaks, Carslie talks a bit with Bella, and then oof

Edward dumps Bella in the middle of the woods the next day and she doesn't take it well. Speaking of which this pissed me off so fucking much "oh uwu I can't be with u because I am worried about how fragile u are and I'll huuuurt you" *proceeds to break up with her in the middle of the fucking woods where she can easily get lost and die*

Depressive episode like normal

Bella realizes she can still see Edward if she is about to do something dangerous and still goes to find those motorbikes and take them to Jacob.

Bella's human friends don't really get as much of a focus even though they are there, so I'd like to bring them back here for a moment.  Maybe the pink one encourages Bella to go see a therapist after Bella brushes off her dad's suggestion because she's been thinking about the risk seeking behavior and is worried she encouraged it.  She also admits to seeing a therapist herself and this surprises Bella, who decides maybe it couldn't really hurt.

As Bella talks with Jacob she says something about him being a kid and he gets offended by this, heavily hinting at maybe him liking her

But, as opposed to Edward who always brushed off Bella's offer of protection, when talking about Sam Jacob reacts positively to Bella's offer of help and makes the same promise. "You watch my back I'll watch yours."

Cliff diving scene stays but like it's not done on a whim, Bella gets a group together of kids from the highschool maybe? No weird movie date scene because that was cringe.

Anyway Edward thinks she dies, Alice comes for a visit, werewolf Jake freaks but trusts Bella when she says she will be fine and says he trusts her.

The book ends with Bella bargaining for the Cullen's freedom from the Volturi by agreeing to become a vampire, initially she offers to allow Aro or whatever the fuck to turn her but Alice intervenes and offers to do it herself. They set a date for after her graduation, and are warned of grave consequences if they do not comply.

Edward and Bella do not get back together at the end of the book.

Book 3

Bella and Alice are back to being besties.  While Bella is not back together with Edward, but she is not dating Jacob either.  She is attempting to maintain a friendship with both but it's not really working, as Jacob can tell she's keeping some sort of secret from him.

This secret being her impending turning, and the general theme of people trying to convince her that she doesn't need to do this remains.

There is a real focus on the lack of choice most of the Cullens had with becoming vampires and how that has affected them, with a heavy emphasis placed on Edward. 

Edward and Carlisle have a long talk. Carlisle talks about the concept of soulmates and how he always hoped Edward would find his, but admits he maybe placed too much of an emphasis on that instead of actually addressing the problems he was having in the hopes that love would fix him.

Since this is my post, I think Aro should be a sort of character foil to Edward. Ed doesn't want Bella to become a vampire even though she would (allegedly) make a very powerful one, while Aro should be obsessed with making Bella into a vampire because of her blood. I would also make it so that Aro's "wife" was once like Bella, with the same good smelling blood, and directly contrast Aro's sense of ownership over her with how Edward had been thinking about Bella.

This terrifies Edward who also has a deep talk with Bella and apologizes, and while Bella accepts it they still don't get back together because-

Bella always had more chemistry with Jacob anyway. They share interests and hobbies, they like talking with each other, Jake is someone she is good friends with and someone she really is going to miss when she dies and becomes a vampire.

Idc let the plot with the newborn army remain, but like make the talk about imprinting actually mean something. Maybe Jacob has already imprinted on Bella but he's keeping that shit to himself because he doesn't want to pressure her.

Maybe it all comes out while he's wounded and Bella finally tells him about what she has agreed to do.

And then the book ends with them both agreeing they don't want that to happen

There's a book 4?

So I have no idea what goes on in the end of the Twilight series.

There's a war?

But not actually because it was just a vision Alice had?

Um I think there is potential for some sort of actual battle between the Volturi, other vampire covens, and the werewolves.

Apparently according to the wiki Aro's wife is locked in a tower somewhere in a trance because he killed her sister? And she was upset about that?

Uhhhh maybe they decide to use that to spark some in fighting between the Volturi

Jacob and Bella can get married at the sensible age of like 25 in the epilogue

And Edward gets with someone else idk. Maybe one of the newborns from Vicky's army who he goes on a healing journey with.

meh that's what I've got. I still like the idea of Bella being into catching beetles and moths and that's why she's ok with being in the woods a whole lot but that's not super important.

I think it should sort of low key freak both Edward and Jacob out. But that's just my opinion~

[meraki-yao]

An exchange student from Canada saw me crying and gave me a tissue. We talked. He's really nice. I'm sane now.

This is going to be a full vent. This is my full story on this situation. Only read if you want to and if you're okay with it. Also warning, this is long as fuck, I really trauma dumped here.

tw: suicidal thoughts, self-harm

Backstory: High School

I was labelled as a jack of all trades, master of none. I'm naturally a more art/social science/emotion/humanities person, but I took STEM subjects in high school (Physics, Chemistry, Information & Technology/ Computer, and Calculus & Algebra), partly because these subjects had objective, standard answers, which supposedly makes getting marks in exams easier, partly because I felt like I had to as my parents are both PhD in engineering, and at that point I still thought I had to be "my parents' daughter".

So throughout high school, all my external achievements were humanities/arts related while my studies were STEM orientated. But I struggled a lot with my STEM subjects (except for Computer because a lot of that is just stuff you would know if you use one a lot), and I mean, a lot. As in failing quizzes, fucking up assignments. Thank God I had really kind teachers who cared more about my mental health than my grades and were willing to help and accommodate my needs. But there were many times when I straight up broke down during a lesson and ran off to the social worker's. I skipped several lessons because I just couldn't go to class and try to listen when voices in my head were all yelling at how much of a useless piece of shit I was. I would spend three hours on a single question, and still get it wrong. It always felt like no matter what I did, I would go nowhere. And it didn't help that when I asked for help from my parents, their response would always first be "How can you not know something so simple". By senior year I gave up and started asking my friends and the internet.

On the contrary, I thrived in my language classes and liberal studies class. Even if I initially sucked due to the change in the system, I asked, I studied, I worked and I improved. I got somewhere. Effort paid off in a fair ratio. I never needed to ask my parents anything about that. I never needed to ask anyone other than my teacher. I loved doing my homework in those subjects. My writings were printed out as examples for the whole class. It was great.

Backstory: College Selection

By the time college choices rolled around I had no idea what to choose. At the same time, my mother was also suggesting I go to mainland Chinese universities for my undergrad, and I didn't want that. Going to the States or the UK wasn't affordable for my family, so I opted to stay local, to the dismay of my whole extended family.

So in the mess of all of this and no parental support because they are Chinese stereotypes who think the only courses worth studying are doctor and lawyer, my school's career counsellor suggested Bachelor of Arts and Studies to me (here's their website) a new personalized interdisciplinary degree in HKU. And I was so happy. It felt right. It felt like putting a on tailored dress. And despite my parents' protest, I put that as my first choice.

College entrance exams came and went. Overall I did pretty well. Got top scores in Chinese, English, Liberal Studies, and Computer. Got average for Chemistry, Math and Physic despite spending most of my study leave on these subjects. Just passed Calculus.

So the way the local system works (it's called JUPAS if you wanna look it up) is that by the end of November, you need to submit your 20 university programme choices, but after the public exam result is released, you're assigned 24 hours to change your choices.

And this is where everything started going to hell for me.

My parents, who in the first round of selection, compromised and let me put what I wanted, looked at my marks, and my choices, and vetoed everything. They said I'm not gonna get a job with an interdisciplinary degree, there's no career path for psychology, that the arts and science degree was created because the art, social science and science faculty didn't have that many people.

A different advisor, one who didn't know me personally suggested my current programme: biomedical engineering, which basically combines medicine with engineering. They said it's a lucrative career since health service is in demand, and with my basis in STEM subject I would do well, and that it's easier to go from a science subject to humanities if I want to do something different in post-grad than vice versa. By this time I had 2 hours left before confirmation.

If we were to completely ignore me as an individual, they're right. This would be the logical choice.

But at that point, I already knew it felt wrong. But unfortunately for me, all I could say is it felt wrong, which isn't a strong rebuttal.

With no "logical" rebuttal, two yelling parents and a fucked up head, sobbing, I changed my first choice to this programme. I cut my arm with a cutter over the myriad of scars I gave myself over the years. I told my best friend who was asking if I was ok, that I'll give it a go, and if it doesn't work I'll find a way out. I told the rest of my close friends that my undergrad will be me paying a debt to my parents, and I'd figure out my own dream in the future.

I shouldn't have caved in.

Back Story: University

University started. Immediately it felt wrong. Save for my elective (HKU has this really cool thing called Common Core, look it up if you're interested but essentially it's compulsory electives) I felt so detached from my engineering courses. I couldn't explain, just an inherent feeling that I don't belong here.

It didn't help that it was at this time that I realized I straight-up don't like biology.

Managed through year 1 first semester with average grades. Semester 2 I didn't have any courses directly related to the programme save for a probability & stats course that I fucked my way through. The rest of my grades were pretty good, even got two A- s. The feeling that I didn't belong persisted but popped up a little less.

Now: Breaking

Year 2 came, and from the moment in August when I had to sign up for courses, the feeling of wrongness came back in full force, amplified, even. It felt all-consuming.

This is from my diary:

"I don't wanna be here. I don't want this degree. I don't want this career God I don't want it. It's doesn't fit. I don't fit in this space. This isn't mind. It feels like dysmorphia. It feels like tar, black and toxic and vicious, sticking to my skin, trying to mould my body into something I'm not, to seep into my skin and dye my blood a dull shade of grey. I wanna fucking run away. I wanna fucking die. I don't fucking know what to do."

You guys kind of know the rest, because that's when I met you guys and started feeling safer here than anywhere else, and vented here. But for reference

September

October

November

December

January, January, Fuck you January

I skipped class. I got antidepressants. I binge ate and became overweight. Failed three classes. Parents didn't find out anything until the grades came out. Then they lost their mind.

Now: Not Enough

They blamed me for not trying hard enough.

They said oh failures happen, you have to learn from your mistakes and try again.

I have to set up a proper routine. Dedicate all my time and energy to staying physically healthy and studying. Spent my "free time" thinking. I even got berated for listening to music with headphones on.

Dad asked me why did I fail biochemistry. I said it was hard, the pace was fast, and I don't like the subject. He said there's no point in not liking it.

Mom said I needed to get rid of the idea that this degree is against me and accept it, that I shouldn't dwell on what-ifs from the past, and all the reasons they convinced me to choose this still stands, that learning is a fun and interesting thing that I should take joy in, that I won't be able to handle being a psychiatrist, that I used to be such a star student what the fuck happened to me, that each path has their own difficulties and I'm already on this road so why won't I just keeping going for the next two years, that if I quit and start over I'll be older than my cohort and my friends will all graduate before me and why won't I just follow the normal path dammit

SO EVERYTHING IS MY FUCKING FAULT HUH??

I don't fucking know anymore.

Now: The present

The reason I was crying earlier, was that I went to have a meeting with an academic advisor to ask about the possibility of transferring to a different programme.

There are two ways.

One, apply for an internal transfer by June. But that requires exceptional grades, and I don't have that.

Two, quit university and re-apply with my college entrance exam results. But then none of the credits I earned in the past two years will be transferred. All will expire. I went through shit for nothing except to confirm my mistake is a mistake.

I might figure something out when I'm not crying my brains out but right now neither option sounds like an option to me.

I could barely ask anything intelligent afterwards because I was trying so hard to stop myself from breaking down immediately.

Now: How I feel

I'm not supposed to feel like this. This is not normal. This is not how my university life is supposed to go. It cannot be normal to want to die every day.

The moment I realised this was fundamentally wrong was when I looked at my high school friends' social media, and saw them living their best lives: dating, joining the committee of societies, getting awards and scholarships, jobs and internships, travelling, going to parties, everything a young person should be doing. My best friend is chasing her dreams to became an actress at NYU TISHC, already getting paids acting jobs at year 1, going to prominent events, maintaining a 3.9 GPA, goes out partying all while maintaining a long distance relationship with her athletes boyfriend who is the best of the best in Asian youth, handsome, and just a great guy in general.

I'm supposed to be on the same level as them.

I'm from an elite class of an elite school in an elite city. I've been on city radio four times and city-wide broadcast television once. I was on four department/society committees, two of which I was chairlady. I wrote and directed my own play. My name was followed by seven internal awards when it was my turn to get my diploma during the graduation ceremony. I aced my classes. My drawing and writing had been in my school's anthology and yearbook. I genuinely enjoyed learning.

I'm not supposed to be this.

I'm not supposed to be this depressed, overweight person who can't get out of bed and skips classes and fails courses. I'm not supposed to be this stagnant, I was always moving. I was always giving it my 100%. I'm not supposed to not make any friends and want to stay in my bed all the time. I'm not supposed to be insomniac, or sick, or depressed, or overweight.

I was always fighting.

I don't have any energy in me anymore to fight.

I'm not supposed to turn out like this. This isn't who I want to be/ I hate whoever I am now. This isn't right.

But I'm fucking stuck, I don't know what's the truth, I don't know how valid "I don't like this" is.

A lot of people tell me to just ignore what my parents say but it's really not that simple. I only realized they can hurt me despite loving me and it's not my fault last year. And even then it's hard to stay firm on this belief. Because truthfully, I don't know what's right, I only know what feels wrong.

Fuck this. I want to fast forward until the day I figure shit out. I want to live here on Tumblr.

Fuck everything.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! While I don't know my type (INXX F), what do feelings of shame say if they involve your passions? Growing up I learned that it's better to get a career and do what you'd like as a hobby, but I hate my job. It consumes so much time and energy; there are times when it takes up my whole life.

However, whenever I try to share my "true self" with others, people either don't care, tell me it's not mature/normal enough, or use it against me. Now, sometimes I look at what I love and feel sick.

What complicates it is that it's hard for me to feel a sense of belonging anywhere, yet when I watch some of these writers/artists/animators, see how they think, I get a sense that I could belong with them. Some are analytical when explaining their processes, others more methodical, all of them love what they do, no matter what their goals are.

I wish I could have that type of work, on which you could focus and follow this flow (although this isn't always the case). That is not true for my job. You have to fight everything and do a million things at once, yet I can't escape without something to fall back on. Although I'm trying to improve my skills and build a portfolio, find good teachers, it's hard.

People say to have confidence in yourself and make your own decisions, but what if every choice you make is wrong? What if you can't win and you're supposed to take it? How can you be yourself when you're fundamentally taught everything about you has to be hidden or "fixed," that your needs are illegitimate and should be ignored whenever possible?

I'm asking this because while I feel fine more often than I used to, I don't want my past or other people to control me. I want to be myself, but I keep asking myself what that is. It's like there's a piece of me that's locked away and I can't get it out. Thank you.

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Figure out your exact type by doing a proper type assessment. If you are INF, that only leaves two options: INFP and INFJ. The two types are very different and would call for different ways of approaching personal development. If I don't know your type, I can't get into specifics of how to address your issues.

Many people experience some degree of invalidation as they grow up. It is a near universal experience because it is a natural consequence of socialization. Socialization is the process of learning how to function and thrive in the society you live in. Certain negative traits and behaviors in people are widely discouraged, shamed, or condemned for the sake of maintaining a well-functioning society. If people weren't socialized, the concept of "society" would cease to have any meaning.

Parents, schools, and society at large use various ways to socialize children. While every member of a society must go through socialization, some parenting styles are better than others, some education methods are better than others, and some societal values are better than others for children to internalize and perpetuate. The worst methods of socialization leave people suffering from psychological issues such as low self-esteem or grandiose entitlement. The best methods involve learning how to strike the right balance between self and others.

You ask "how can you be yourself when you're fundamentally taught everything about you has to be hidden or fixed, that your needs are illegitimate and should be ignored". Do you just automatically believe everything you were ever taught in life? Do you still believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny?

At some point, you have to grow up and think for yourself, do you not? At some point, continuing to blame your parents/upbringing really just becomes an excuse. Are you concealing a deeper truth about not wanting to grow up, perhaps because of not wanting the heavy responsibility it entails? Refusal to mature is one common way people get stuck in a rut and remain at the lowest levels of ego development, thinking and behaving like a child or teenager all throughout life. The longer you resist the call to confront your life challenges and grow as a person, the more and more self-esteem you'll lose, because the evidence of your deficits becomes harder and harder to ignore.

Belonging isn't easy for everyone because not everyone happens to be born into an emotionally, socially, and intellectually supportive environment of best fit to their personality. You can take this as a personal affront and bitterly point fingers, or you can treat it as a matter of circumstance and change it. If your environment doesn't work for you, you owe it to yourself to either find a better one or create a better one for yourself. As a child, you have little control over your circumstances. However, as an adult, you are equipped with enough power to counteract toxic upbringing and change childish thought patterns. You not only have the power to learn, you also have a responsibility to yourself to address what is not working in your life.

Do you understand the concept of "owing things to yourself"? It is predicated upon the idea that you own your life and should therefore take full responsibility for it. You won't take ownership as long as you have a weak sense of self. People with a weak sense of self have low self-awareness. They don't know their own mind, their own values, their own needs and desires. You may not be at fault for having a weak sense of self, so it's not a crime to be punished. However, it becomes an ego development problem if a person resists strengthening their sense of self. When you aren't able to make good decisions for yourself, what happens? You always defer to others, you fly by the seat of your pants, or you get stuck in indecision - which option sounds best to you?

Regardless of what you did in the past, how are you going to make decisions going forward? Continuing on as before means nothing will change for the better, but your feelings about yourself and your life will continue to worsen over time. Feelings are very important for informing you about what's not right or what's not working in life. If you don't listen to them or even suppress them, they get worse and they get louder, which can have a very negative impact on your mental health. You must answer feelings by properly attending to the problem that they are urging you to resolve.

You ask "what if every decision is wrong". What if I told you that there are no "wrong" decisions in the way that you mean? In order to progress in life, one must learn from every experience. Therefore, all experiences, positive and negative, are important to your personal growth. Your reluctance/refusal to accept the negative aspects of life means that you lose precious opportunities to learn and grow into the person you're meant to be.

You ask "what if you can't win and you're supposed to take it". What if I told you that there is no such thing as "winning"? In order to make good decisions, one must be attuned to reality. In reality, "winning" is just an idea, a mental construct, a value. Mental constructs are only "real" insofar as you choose to believe in them, which means you can stop believing any time you decide it's no longer worth it. As long as you want the superficial status of "winning" and keep believing in the concept (because someone told you to), you'll keep suffering the consequences of "losing" and the feelings of being a "loser". Is that a price you're willing to pay? If not, then it's time to change your worldview. Your way of thinking lacks sophistication and nuance.

You say you don't want the past or others to control you? Some people romanticize suffering and build their identity around it because they like the benefits of positioning themselves as the victim. Some people wish for a dominant figure in their life to make decisions for them because they don't want to bear the hardships of discerning what is right/wrong. As long as you derive some sort of "benefit" from viewing yourself as a victim of your past or submitting yourself to the control of others, why would you choose differently? Are you willing to give up those "benefits"? If so, you have to stop seeing yourself as a victim and you have to stop seeing yourself as incapable. You have to change the stories you tell about yourself.

As an adult, you have to acknowledge that the "locked" up piece of you was locked up by you. It is a defense mechanism; you did it to protect yourself from hurt and pain. But, in the end, it means you are trapped by your fear of hurt and pain. Logically, the way out is to confront hurt and pain and learn the emotional intelligence skills you need to manage it better.

You believed that locking yourself up would free you from pain, but you are still in pain, aren't you? Worse, you are likely to hate yourself for getting stuck in pain. Confronting the challenges of your life is also painful because it's hard work and you open yourself up to setbacks and failures, but the difference is you get rewarded with self-esteem and growth. Thus: Choose your pain wisely. You treat all pain as being bad, which is more evidence that your way of thinking lacks sophistication and nuance. If you're going to experience pain either way, at least get something meaningful out of it.

When you suffer from devaluing your own existence, you are likely to benefit from assertiveness training. I've talked about it before and recommended books on the resources page. Taking a practical course might be a good idea. They are usually offered by employment upgrading, self-improvement programs, or mental health services. They are designed specifically to teach you: how to change faulty beliefs about yourself and the world; how to honor yourself; how to communicate about needs and wants; how to advocate for yourself in various situations; etc.

[boburnhamhistorian]

Hi, everyone!

BIG news on the YouTube front—Welcome to the Internet just hit 99 MILLION views today! 🥳

In other news, I was reading about the Ennui Engine, and this author must have seen Inside or just agrees with Bo about the IV drip of mediocre content that is slowly ruining our lives.

We scroll through Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and Reddit, vaguely hoping to find something with which to amuse or inform ourselves before getting up in the morning or going to bed at night. We favor videos that either are very short or don’t require dedicated focus, confident in the knowledge that we can move on to something else whenever we want to. We ignore thoughtfully composed “walls of text,” but we electronically applaud memetic image macros and single-sentence references that aren’t inherently entertaining or insightful (yet are somehow still poorly written). When we amplify these things – using our likes, upvotes, retweets, and shares – we encourage the creation of more low-effort content, and in so doing, we send the message that higher-quality offerings are unwelcome and unwanted.

Even when “difficult” pieces of content do get seen, they still share the stage with everything else, marking them as being no better than equal to things that require minimal care and effort to create and consume.

Therein lies the real problem, however: We don’t enjoy the low-effort content… at least not as much as we’ve tricked ourselves into thinking that we do.

Really thought-provoking and well-written article, and it makes me rethink my entire relationship with the Internet—what exactly DO I get out of scrolling for hours on end? Sigh

All we can do is view everything online critically and with a grain of salt. As the author optimistically concludes, we CAN make things better:

The Ennui Engine keeps roaring, and we’re left with tiny, stale pellets that we tell ourselves are satisfying. Beneath the lie, though, we only feel depressed, disconnected, and frustrated.

There is a solution to all of this; a way that we can reclaim our lives, help both people and online entertainment improve, and escape the endless churn of the Ennui Engine. It doesn’t begin with turning to legislators or forum-administrators, though, and it doesn’t involve a retreat from the Web, but it does require that we stop encouraging the ritual. As unpleasant as it may be to admit, we are each individually to blame for this slump-inducing cycle’s persistence, and we are each responsible for halting it.

Whenever we feel ourselves getting listless, we should step away, then challenge ourselves to find (or create) something new, original, and requiring of a bit more effort than we might initially want to expend. We need to remember that five minutes invested in reading an article – even a mediocre one – will almost always offer a better payout of emotional energy than five minutes of gambling on a slot machine with only one reel.

The Internet was created with the intention of connecting exceptional people and sharing noteworthy content, and it can still fulfill that purpose today. As such, the takeaway here is not that we should distance ourselves from social media, turn off our screens, or reject the trappings of the modern era. Instead, we should remain self-aware and discerning as we traverse the Web, encouraging, applauding, and insisting on effort and earnestness from anyone who intends to contribute (no matter how small or substantial their contributions might be). The Ennui Engine will continue running, of course, but we can each make the personal choice to keep from sacrificing ourselves to it… and we can warn others against getting ground up in its gears.

I was also reading about how Google offered its suite of software for free—including YouTube videos as educational resources—to schools, planning on getting young children addicted to the algorithm (only benefitting the bug-eyed salamanders, indeed).

I just try to keep my kids informed and discerning about what content they are consuming (no easy task, but I think I made a breakthrough when my 11yo daughter got my point about how no massively popular Roblox YTers exist who are female AND American without an insane, ultra-feminine schtick...why is that?)

Hope you all are doing well, and I have lots more SUBSTANTIAL posts coming up (more interviews, analysis of Bill Bailey and Bo, plus my own curated IV drip of artwork for February...I did the mindless scrolling so you don't have to! Haha) ✌🏼

[young--cheeseburger]

Mid-Year Self Reflection

I turn 24 next month and I've been depressed since I was 11-12 years old.

These past few months have been really eye opening and I've been learning more and more about myself and how I coped with the world for so long isnt healthy. Nor how I saw myself.

I knew I'm depressed but seeing the tangible depths of my depression come to bite me in the ass has really been eye opening.

Ever since I broke down in September-October of 2022, I've been in a state of mourning. As well as the most "unstable" I've been. Looking back at it, it was probably a long time coming.

Feeling like I failed college not only becauae its not easy to get into but also because I didnt put my 100% and then realizing that I can't do art as a full time job anyway really left me in a bad state because I covinced myself it was all I had. And it really felt like it was. Most likely being its something I genuniely enjoyed throughout everything, even me being depressed. Drawing was fun, being able to physically see myself improve was fun and wanting to get better at this skill that I had actually felt good. It felt really good. But I am also my own worst critic so that probably didnt help things either. And since its a medium that does require my emotions to put into it (even if its silly little drawings) I've cut myself off from those. Maybe not completely but I've been in this very stagnant state for a really long time.

Hell me saying that sentence says a lot to me. "Stagnant" is like a mental checkpoint for me since thats how I described my life in High School of all things.

There's a quote from Night In The Woods where Bea tells Mae "I stayed here and got older, and you went away and stayed the same." and it really hit me since Mae also had the opportunity to go to college and didnt change. Mae is a lot more "aimless" and wants to chill and hang around though. Meanwhile I give myself way too harsh standards and constantly fail to live up to them. (geez I wonder who I got that from) Both seem like ways to cope with becoming an adult the more I think about it.

Anyways.

I'm at least glad I have some awareness towards my problems and will always try to take responsibility for my actions when I can. Its because of these issues and a few other things that I lost a few friends along the way. Although its for the better really. I was taking a lot more than I can really give and I wasn't appreciative of friendships, nor the time given by them. And as we get older in life, the less time we're able to give. I don't wanna be someome whos holding anyone back or anything. And no friend should feel like they arent cared about.

I use apathy to cope with not feeling depressed but instead it turned off any other kind of emotion and it grew into me not feeling much of anything at all. No emotions to help guide choices, no emotions to share, no emotions to feel towards anything really. In my mind, if I stopped caring, things wouldnt hurt as much.

I usually didnt talk about emotions because I didnt want to dump on people but also because I kept invalidating my own feelings. A lot of people I know have been through so much worse and here I am. Still with a family, even though they throughly hate who I am as a trans man. I got hit a few times as a kid for making mistakes/disiplinary reasons but I had friends who's parents did so much worse. So who was I to complain in the face of all of that? I should be helping them get through it then worry about what I felt because my problems seemed minor in comparison.

Comparison, the same thing my parents did constantly when I was younger until I started being the one getting compared to. Because "I can do everything right" right? A perfect little mold even if I was a dying dog. Loyal, but at what cost?

"I'm sure theres people who care about me but I don't really care too much anymore. I That just means I am really weak. Useless even until the end. I want to die. The pain would only hurt for a little while before everything is over."

That was a consistent thought in my head for so long. And I've wanted to die for so long. But up to a few weeks ago, I had actual plans for doing it too. Several ways even.

It wasnt till an old friend told me that my ways of thinking were only making me feel worse. And when I told myself I'd listen for once, I did. Before walking out again because once again, I had taken someone's emotional labor for granted.

I realized now that, yeah people will always have it worse. And yeah I can totally do my part to make sure that the people I know, friends or strangers can at least feel better. But I have to realize that what happened to me hurt me too so I can finally let it go.

I want to move on with my life, I really do. It sucks not having a bunch of the adult skills I need (driving especially) but its never too late to learn. I have time and I need to start giving myself the time like I would for others. To stop being at odds with myself and try to be neutral with my existance, instead of not caring. To want to live, to hope, even if nothing is concrete. To be like water, instead of a brick.

Trying to say that last part with this capitalist hellscape in mind is hard but people like me have survived.

Maybe I can too.

[just-kiss-me-you-fool-hehe]

wow

hey im struggling. i feel like i always end up in this weird state no matter how much i try, i feel like i keep failing. i made myself way too tired this weekend and i have been trying to be present thru everything even when things are going bad, but today i really struggled because i had a raging headache bc i was too tired and then i had to suffer thru lunch and then i threw up bc the lunch was bad and then it took me a long time to figure out how to fix it and then i cancelled dinner plans which made me feel better because i was dreading having to make conversation but now that i dont have dinner plans i can chill at home but my issue is why do i dread both outcomes, it feels like i cant be happy regardless of what i choose and i just feel so stuck because no matter how much i try to be my own friend it feels like im constantly working against myself and self sabotaging like i think i wouldve had a very different week if i gave myself rest this weekend and was able to come here with more energy and it didnt help that i had my period which made my anemia worse. when i had just found out about my anemia i was so good about taking my supplements and eating well but as soon as i started feeling a little better i forgot all about taking care of myself. it feels this way constantly where i am able to focus on the thing that is important to me for a while but then something happens, and the pain seeps in again, and i self sabotage and things feel bad and i start dissociating and making poor decisions. i know the best way is to keep fighting, to keep correcting the voice in my head that tells me im a piece of shit that will never improve and i know that once i start exercising more regularly and feeling good in my body that it will help me to be nicer to myself and i know all i can do is pick myself up from the current point and do better instead of wallowing in the sadness of having dissociated once again. the thing is i know im doing better little by little every day that i try and all i need to do is try. i just gotta keep making the good decisions as often as i can even if it means i cant make them every and especially after i come out of a haze of having made a string of bad decisions. i think it is just really difficult to be present with the idea that 1. i am the only one responsible for how tired and bad i feel because i spent too much time socializing this weekend. 2. i keep socializing because i have this incessant need to be with people so i don't have to face my fear of being alone bc being alone means that i will have to go back to dark and sad places in my past and there will be no one around to comfort me. 3. despite knowing all this, i still sometimes make the bad choice because it feels good in the moment and more importantly fulfills this need school age me had of wanting to fit it but the thing is this need never feels satisfied and even when it does it doesn't feel very meaningful because i changed myself to get there. i know that the reason i feel bad all the time is because i dont want to accept that i have to experience some sad emotions from the past but the only way out is thru and i dont understand how to teach the concepts of cause and effect to someone (me) who has constantly sacrificed everything for some version of validation that doesnt even feel good, being popular feels pointless because its based on other peoples views of you but i just want to have a positive view of myself. that's why it felt so easy to be with my ex because it was easy to believe in the positive view he had of me but somehow it's so hard for me to see myself how he saw me. i guess all this to say, how do i get out of these cycles of self sabotage then dissociating then having to pick myself back up and start again trying to be present and hoping that this time i dont self sabotage and i dont dissociate after doing it?

[mldesigngraphics]

Specialist Practice

1:1, feedback, major project and idea changes, New problem, insight and solution.

I had a 1:1 with Emily on Wednesday (8th Nov), i was worrying ab9out the compatibility of my idea and if i could successfully achieve what i wanted to without the wrong impression as well as what time i have left to complete it.

I started my 1:1 with Emily explaining my original idea and telling her where I think it wouldn't work and what i was thinking of changing.

Problems with idea 1:

Creating a skin care brand for this brief might give a different message to consumers than i want to give. Skincare is paired with improving skin and or to cover up imperfections or improve them.

A skin care brand wont delivery the educational aspects i want to correctly as the website may be disregarded.

New Problem, Insight, Soltuion

Problem:

Many young children suffer from poor self esteem and lack of confidence in their skin. This is usually caused from negative comparisons to social media images that are edited and perceive unrealistic beauty standards and expectations. Along with peer bullying and not enough support from adults around them like parents and teachers.

Insight:

"30-50% of teens and young adults suffer from low self-esteem due to skin related issues like acne". Researching into the main reasons of young people's unhappiness within their bodys/skin. looking into the negative effects of social media, comparison culture to models and edited photos on social media, peer pressure and bullying from peers, lack of encouragement and confidence boosting from adults like teachers and parents.

Solution:

To create a campaign/ Pop up workshop to support young people in school, college and university’s to improve their self confidence and self-esteem. The pop-up ‘workshop’ will include group activities, activity’s to educate young people on the use of editing in images on social media that portray unrealistic beauty standards, tips and tricks on how to improve self confidence with daily positive affirmations. This will include a social media presence, a website with more things on offer to support young people and posters that can go up around university’s, schools and colleges to make people aware of the workshops or re-direct them to the website for more information.

Using personal experience for my solution:

Another reason for this solution response is due to personal experience, as a teenager i struggled terribly and still do with mental health and having self confidence because of having acne prone skin, from the ages of 11 to 17 i was teased and bullied for my skin, i wasn't encourages by others often about my skin being okay as it was and to love it, so i would try anything and everything to improve my skin and it started to affect my mental health more and more. i wish i could've had something similar to this where i was encouraged to love my skin and what i looked like at a young age as i feel it definitely would've helped me mentally and helped my confidence.

Next steps:

Design brand assets (logo, brand name, type face colour palette etc)

decide on what illustrative elects i want o add to social media, posters and website.

look at inspiring for poster design and website design/layout

Designs social media posts to promote workshop/ pop-up shop

What will the pop up shops offer and include design things for that, banners, goodie bags and contents.

further research to support choices

[devicadaeg]

Life: A Lesson from the Past

Well, let me tell you a story…

From the moment we begin making our own choices and trusting our decisions in life, we are already responsible for our lives. We were already molding ourselves to the shape we wanted. It is the start of our journey to self-reliance.

Before

I used to listen to my parents ever since I was a child because a good daughter listens to her parents, right?

Compared to our neighbors who let their children play outside even after dark, I think it is stricter at home because I have to go home just before dusk. Help at home, watch anime, do homework, and then sleep.

I don’t really remember playing a lot because I’ve been a babysitter for my two younger siblings from when I was nine years old until in high school.

I Began to Do Anything I Wanted

So, guess what during college?

It was liberating…

I used to stay in the city during weekdays and sometimes go home on weekends when free. At that time, I thought:

So this is what it feels like to be away from home. You can do whatever you want and be with whoever you want.

It was indeed a new experience for me.

After college, I was so excited to go out again. I wish to explore more, so I went and planned to find a job in the metropolitan area. Unfortunately, though I did not find one around the area I was able to get a job in one of the popular cities in the country. It is much closer to home.

Made Friends and Others Like Friends

I think it all started at that time when I had a great time knowing people. My colleagues were great, jolly, and helpful. It was my first time associating with many people, who were not all close friends, but it was a good feeling.

Though the experience with these good people did not last long, it felt nice and heartwarming.

Unlike the first working environment I had, in my job, I encountered new sorts of people. I’ve learned that there are bad people who have kind faces or what they call “two-faced people”.

I remember that I always had to be friendly and outgoing, and thanks to that, I learned some social skills. But honestly, it is so tiring sometimes when it goes way over my comfort zone. As an introvert, well, I did gain skills in conversations. Thanks to my extroverted friends, not-so-close friends, colleagues, and previous romantic interests.

Was Influenced by Others

I have been with all sorts of people for years. Although I used to choose whom I wanted to get along with, there were times when I interacted with others I didn’t personally know. They were usually friends of a friend or someone who had other motives.

Back then, I once spent life after work with friends, eating outside, sometimes drinking, talking about life, and many other things that you can call enjoying one’s life.

It only lasted about two years, and it was quite a ride, coming from someone who prefers being alone.

They say birds of the same feather flock together.

There is truth in this phrase somehow, although not entirely. Why? Because I have been there. And if you know self-restraint, no matter what people around you are doing, you will realize when you will want to say no and stop.

The best advice, however, is to choose who you want to be with. It was a lesson from the past and an unforgettable one at that.

Those with like minds who want to improve on their craft, and prioritize health, and those who only want for their friends’ success and support them. There should be love and care for each other, if there isn’t, maybe you have to reconsider spending time with them.

Self-Love Matters

You heard it right, and it will always be.

Self-love matters, in times of life crisis, when you know you’re going down the wrong path, you’ll know it because of how you want to stay safe and healthy.

It is for no one’s sake but because it’s for your own sake. You make decisions in life to make you feel happy, fulfilled, and satisfied. There is nothing wrong with it.

A lesson from the past and life experience is the best educator.

************************************************************************This is me:

[aulel-process]

My Week of Radical Transparency at a Chinese Business Seminar

“In transgressing the normal rules of social decorum, the teaching assistant set the tone for the rest of the class: This was a place where we were not only allowed but expected to be fully transparent...

Ray Dalio, Bridgewater's founder, had built his company around the idea of “radical transparency” and frequently evangelized for its adoption in other companies. Yet the notion of constantly giving your coworkers no-holds-barred feedback was considered so outlandish that Bridgewater was sometimes called a cult. For all our pretensions of being straight shooters, Americans don't really have the stomach for it. At least at the office...

Yet Chen's so-called improvement in the class left me unsettled. I couldn't help but think that, had those criticisms been leveled in the US, they would have felt tinged with sexism, and would have been received that way. Why shouldn't she command a room? Why shouldn't she wear the earrings she wanted to wear? We were forcing her to get a likability makeover of the sort that stifles women everywhere...

For all our obsession with self-help books and motivational videos, Americans often emphasize “feeling good” about ourselves; we pull off this delicate act by redefining our flaws as something to be embraced. Self-help exists to uplift. It traffics in empowering messages. It tells us that our only flaw is negativity. We must put positive energy out in the world, or celebrate our inner goddess.In China, the message is bleaker, but also more bracing: Of course you are flawed, and of course you want to fix those flaws. Suggestions to lose weight, comments on physical appearance, gender stereotypes, discussions of net worth, are not only commonplace, they're considered motivating exhortations. There's no expectation that society will change, so the responsibility is on you to get with the program.

Think your husband is having an affair with a younger woman? Hire a mistress dispeller to gain the woman's confidence or bribe her to break up the relationship. Aren't pretty enough? Get plastic surgery. Your parents are poor migrant workers without a hukou, a residency permit that allows you to access public benefits like school or health care in Beijing or Shanghai? Tough luck. Go out and make some money to buy your way in. There is no reinterpreting these facts. Competition is brutal, and the market is cruel...

Of course, viewing life as a series of market interactions—the labor market, the education market, the marriage market—and seeking to maximize your value within these markets exacts an emotional toll. I know because, to a certain extent, that was how I was raised. My parents put pressure on me to win music competitions, get into a top-ranked university, get a prestigious job. If I failed to do so, they seemed to believe, the world would look down on me. Early on in the course, one of the teaching assistants pointed out that in an exercise about our identities, I had listed things that I do or had done—gone to Harvard, worked as a Google engineer—and not things that I am. I brushed her off at the time, but she had touched a nerve. I was both a child of America and my parents' daughter. The American side of me said that my identity is intrinsic, independent of others. The Chinese side of me said that my identity exists as the sum total of others' perception...

She was arguing that the choice was neither to blindly follow my dreams nor to blindly chase financial security. Rather, there was a third path, one that would require creativity but might ultimately reconcile all my contradictory desires.”

____________________

A brilliant article that resonates so hard with me. I was considering the messaging behind the BakuDeku ship as one that is reflective of Chinese upbringing - Deku starts out as a worthless piece of shit who deserves to get his ass handed to him and Bakugo is going to tough love beat him until he stops being a worthless piece of shit. When Deku becomes the hero he dreams of being, all of Bakugo’s “tough love” (*cough* abuse) is justified. (Chinese cultures use shame as a method of social control: ”If you don’t get into Harvard, you will disgrace our family, we won’t be able to show our faces in public, and you should just die from shame. You’re either the best or you’re worthless.”)

( doujin )

When I first created this alter-ego, online moniker AULEL, the intention was to hide it from anyone I knew in real life, because it was to allow me to be the person I felt I couldn’t be due to various pressures and expectations. It was so I could liberate myself to make *anything*. Show what I’m making now to my MoMa PS1, award winning hoity toity architecture professors and they would laugh in my face. And that’s exactly what I wanted. Because I feel if I can do that, if I can embrace and outright celebrate what I feel ashamed about, then I’ll be ok with myself. I may not understand the stigma of embracing gayness in a straight world, but I understand how hard it is to not bow down to the one hierarchy I care most about, the one that defines my worth as an artist, the hierarchy that says I am legitimate if I aspire to stand next to Picasso in the canon, but I’m worthless if all I want to do is make anime porn for anime porn’s sake. 

The American in me says my value is intrinsic - hence where I forward the personal definition of value in art: “if it’s interesting to you, it’s good.” It isn’t the art gallery, critic, curator, dealer, buyer, audience, price tag, history that determines the value of the work of art. It is you, the artist. Don’t disempower yourself by willingly handing over what you deem valuable. Don’t let someone else decide that for you. You are not flawed, if is not you who needs to bend to the world, it is the world that needs to bend to you.

But my Chinese upbringing identity tells me I should spin my anime porn art as “pop surrealism” because that is my ticket to acceptance in the canon - that is the route to MoMa, Christie’s, Centre Pompidou, to fucking making art history. And if I have that, then I am valid. 

Mark Manson has a brilliant article on the ethical dilemma this poses:

“Or worse, we feel entitled to be extraordinary. When in reality, it’s just not viable or likely. For every Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant, there are 10 million scrubs stumbling around parks playing pickup games… and losing. For every Picasso or DaVinci there have been about a billion drooling idiots eating Play-Doh and slapping around fingerpaints. And for every Leo Motherfucking Tolstoy, there’s a lot of, well, me, scribbling and playing at writer.

The Tyranny of a Culture of Exceptionalism:

So here’s the problem. I would argue that we have this expectation (or this entitlement) more today than any other time in history. And the reason is because of the nature of our technology and economic privilege.

Having the internet, Google, Facebook, YouTube and access to 500+ channels of television is amazing. We have access to more information than any other time in history.But our attention is limited. There’s no way we can process the tidal waves of information flowing through the internet at any given time. 

Therefore the only ones that break through and catch our attention are the truly exceptional pieces of information. The 99.999th percentile.

All day, every day, we are flooded with the truly extraordinary. The best of the best. The worst of the worst. The greatest physical feats. The funniest jokes. The most upsetting news. The scariest threats. Non-stop.Our lives today are filled with information coming from the extremes of the bell curve, because in the media that’s what gets eyeballs and the eyeballs bring dollars. That’s it. Yet the vast majority of life continues to reside in the middle.

It’s my belief that this flood of extreme information has conditioned us to believe that “exceptional” is the new normal. And since all of us are rarely exceptional, we all feel pretty damn insecure and desperate to feel “exceptional” all the time. So we must compensate. Some of us do this by cooking up get-rich-quick schemes. Others do it by taking off across the world to save starving babies in Africa. Others do it by excelling in school and winning every award. Others do it by shooting up a school. Others do it by trying to have sex with anything that talks and breathes.

There’s this kind of psychological tyranny in our culture today, a sense that we must always be proving that we’re special, unique, exceptional all the time, no matter what, only to have that moment of exceptionalism swept away in the current of all the other human greatness that’s constantly happening.

Yet we are not exposed to those years of practice. Or those hours of drab and failed footage. We’re merely exposed to each person’s absolute finest moment — possibly in their entire lives.

And then we watch this and forget about it within minutes. Because we’re onto the next thing. And then the next.

It’s an accepted part of our culture today to believe that we are all destined to do something truly extraordinary. Celebrities say it. Business tycoons say it. Politicians say it. Even Oprah says it. Each and every one of us can be extraordinary. We all deserve greatness.

The fact that this statement is inherently contradictory — after all, if everyone was extraordinary, then by definition, no one would be extraordinary — is missed by most people, and instead we eat the message up and ask for more. (More tacos, that is.)

Being “average” has become the new standard of failure. The worst thing you can be is in the middle of the pack, the middle of the bell curve.

I find this sort of thinking to be dangerous. Once you accept the premise that a life is only worthwhile if it is truly notable and great, then you basically accept the fact that most of the human population sucks and is worthless. And ethically speaking, that is a really dark place to put yourself.”

I admire the true avant-garde because the true avant-garde is not posturing egalitarianism or forwarding social good as a means to “jerk off one’s ego” to be immortalized in art history. The true avant-garde has the courage to give the middle finger to the numerous value/status hierarchies and truly fucking believe it. I’m not there yet, maybe I’ll never be. But I take consolation in thinking that whatever this inner struggle is... it allows me to truly know what facing down stigma/shame feels like. And that maybe brings me intrinsically, truly closer to being the avant-garde that I admire.

( also why I admire Bakugo - for his “unhinged zero fucks given attitude”. punk rocker!!! )

( epic doujin )

[starlit-scarlet]

Stress

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Word Count: ~1.9k

This is a somewhat self-indulgent fic I decided to write this morning. Levi gets to comfort reader who's stressed out from school and an internship. Always such fun :) haha

Another long day of school, followed by hours at your internship where you got the thrill of doing all the work and reaping none of the benefits, and you finally staggered into your home, the sun having set below the horizon hours ago. Shutting the door closed behind you— metaphorically shutting away the day— you pressed your back against the door, eyes fluttering shut as you desperately tried to will away the migraine you could feel coming on at the base of your skull.

Fuck, could this day get any worse?

Tears pricked at the back of your eyelids, long having since wondered if any of this was even worth it at this point. Half the time you thought you’d made the wrong choices, picked the wrong path, yet here you were, continuing to truck along, because that was what you were supposed to do. Without having realized, the purse you’d been holding had slipped from your hand to land with a gentle thump on the floor.

The memory of the day flickered across your mind, remembering all the ways you’d apparently screwed up, your asshole of a supervisor never hesitating to remind you of that. Yet she always seemed to forget the way you made sure her files were always neatly organized in the proper drawers, the way you were always on time, never late, always willing to stay late when she needed you. The way your notes were careful and methodical, documenting as much of her time spent with clients as possible.

No. None of that she gave a shit about. She simply seemed hell-bent on pointing out each and every blunder you made.

‘You fucked up big time with that client. How you've gotten this far in your career and education, I haven't a clue. Go get me some coffee. Maybe that, you won’t screw up.’

It wasn’t that you minded criticism. No. You welcomed it. But there was a difference between constructive criticism meant to help you improve, and criticism meant to tear you down.

And you were doing all of this for an overpriced piece of paper that you weren’t even sure was worth it anymore.

Is this something I even want to do anymore?

Sighing, you pushed yourself off the door, wincing at the pull of your back. Sitting all day with shitty posture put a strain on your back, and it had you rubbing at the muscles as you made your way into your tiny kitchen. More tears flooded into your eyes at the sight sitting before you in the warm, dim light of the room.

There at the table was a steaming hot plate of your favorite dish, and you can’t help but drool at the sight of the bowtie pasta topped with the bolognese sauce. It was a meal that always brought you comfort, it having been the first thing he’d made you on that first date so long ago. Beside it, a simple glass of freshly squeezed lemonade, a couple of aspirin, and one of his notes he often left sitting around for you to find.

Oh, how that glorious man spoiled you to no end.

You picked up the note and unfolded it, a few tears trickling down your cheeks at the words.

‘Hey, don’t forget I love you.’

Sniffling, a weak, watery laugh spilled out of you at the simple little note. He may not be one for grand gestures and words of poetry, but fuck, the things he did had your heart pitter-pattering in your chest. As if you could ever forget. The man may be shit at verbalizing his emotions, but each and every day he made sure he showed you in some way that he loved you.

Making sure you had at least one hot, home-cooked meal a day, knowing the rest of your day was spent grabbing whatever was fastest.

Doing your laundry for you when you were bogged down with assignments for school, with work your supervisor forced you to take home to finish.

Taking you to your favorite spots on days where you had a little free time, the ones that held the most cherished memories for you.

Hugging you.

Kissing you.

Letting you cuddle up against him on the couch.

The fact that he did any of that even though he was also busy with his own job as a software engineer, was something so heartwarming, something only a man like Levi would do. His position was demanding, full of responsibilities, but he always made sure he made time for you, to take care of you.

Hearing a noise coming from the hall, you spun on your heel to watch as he entered the kitchen, your eyes filling with adoration for the stoic man stepping through the entryway. It stumped you sometimes, the way you’d been able to capture his heart, to break through the walls that had been erected around him, finally finding that soft and sweet interior you knew had existed.

He paused mid-step when he glanced up from his phone— most likely checking for messages from you— eyes widening when he realized you were already there.

“Oh you’re back already? Damn, I thought you were going to be a bit later. The soufflé isn’t quite done yet, but—”

The rest of his words are cut off as his breath huffed out of him at the force of you slamming into him, wrapping your arms tight around him. Burying your face into his neck, the trembles hit your body before you can stop them, breath hitching at the way his arms wrapped around your waist, tugging you close against him.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m right here.”

See, that right there was another way of him reminding you he loved you. Simply telling you that he was there for you never failed to have your heart flipping in your chest the way it did in that moment. His voice might be gruff, but the underlying tones of affection were there, and only ever for you, and it had another shudder hitting you.

As always, he held you without resistance, for as long as you needed, another way he showed you. It had taken you time to learn to speak the language of Levi Ackerman, but now? Now you knew, and you read him with ease, could pick up each and every nuance, each twitch of his brow, the quirks of his lips, everything he did that was a clue to what he felt and thought. His heart was held in the palms of your hands, in the most delicate of ways, just as yours was with him.

He pulled back a touch to kiss the top of your head, tucking his knuckles beneath your chin to draw your gaze to his, and swiping away stray tears with his thumb.

“Why don’t you go get cleaned up and changed while I finish up in here?”

Nodding you leaned up to peck at his lips before making your way into your bedroom, stripping yourself of your clothes and tossing them into the hamper, your shoes placed neatly on the rack in the closet before changing into some comfy clothes and thick socks. Almost immediately, you felt a weight lift off of you, just from the simple act of removing the fabric you’d worn for the day, as if you’d been removing the events of the day with them.

Throwing your hair into a quick braid, you scurried back out, the smell of the food drawing a fierce rumble from your stomach. When you tried to help him finish, he waved you off, telling you to sit down and relax.

That’s how it usually went with him. He refused help when he sensed your day had been rougher than normal, no matter how much you insisted, not until he felt that you were at ease, relaxed, and taken care of. So you relented, settling in at the table, ravishly digging into the meal, slowly feeling more and more at ease. He sat in the chair next to yours with his own plate of food, and for several moments, the only sounds filling the room were the clinking of forks against the plates.

That was something else special about Levi. He always waited for you to eat, wanting at least one meal where the two of you could spend time together, enjoy each other’s company. It didn’t matter the time. Early afternoon, late evening, early night, no. He didn’t care at all, so long as you ate together. Another reminder of how much he cared for you.

When you’d finished, you leaned back in your chair, a satisfied smile filling your face at how his simple care had made you feel better, the aspirin not even needed as the headache faded on its own. Not having realized your eyes had fluttered closed, you started when he took your hand in his, linking your fingers together. You turned your head to meet his eyes, and your heart flipped in your chest at the affection you see in his, the dim kitchen light making his hair appear darker, and you couldn't help the way your free hand combed through the bangs flopping over his forehead, moving to cup the side of his face.

“You don’t have to do this, you know?”

Without even needing clarification, you knew what he was referring to. It was something he reminded you of regularly, reminding you that he would support you no matter what, that you didn’t have to continue on if you no longer wanted, that you would both figure things out together. You don’t know what you’d done to deserve him, but like hell would you ever let him go.

Tears prick your eyes once more, though gentler this time, and not from the stress of the day. “I know, baby...I want to do this.”

Because at the end of the day, this was something you truly wanted for yourself. You wanted to be able to look back and say, I kept going, and I finished. Even if it wasn’t the right path for you, you wanted the satisfaction that came with that overpriced piece of paper.

And that was all the reassurance he needed as he leaned in to graze his lips across your forehead, drawing a content sigh from you. He was your rock, and he was all you needed to make it through each and every day.

Timed perfectly, he pulled the soufflés out of the oven, setting them down in front of the both of you. His is a tart lemon, yours is a decadent chocolate and you can’t help but moan in delight at the richness that hits your taste buds as you devour the desert. Enjoying each other’s company, the two of you sit in companionable silence as you enjoy the delicious dessert he’d made.

Once finished, he rose to clear away the dishes, though this time you insist on helping, refusing to take ‘no’ for an answer. Sensing that you were more relaxed, he relented, the chore passing by faster with the two of you working together...him washing and you drying of course.

With the dishes out of the way, the two of you were free to end the night in the way you both enjoyed best, cuddling on the couch with your legs swung over his lap, his arm around your shoulders holding you close. As he always did, he’d tossed a throw blanket over the two of you before flicking on the tv, selecting the next episode of the latest tv show you were indulging in together.

It was the perfect end to a shitty day, one that helped you keep going.

Back to Fluff/Comfort Menu

[ironmandeficiency]

pedro boys + spending habits

word count: fuck if i know, wrote it thru the app

characters: din, marcus m, dave, pero, marcus p, oberyn, max, frankie, whiskey, maxwell, javier, ezra

a/n: idk what caused this to happen but it works i guess. hope they make sense

✨support my ko-fi✨

trust him with your money, your drink, your social security number, everything:

din. this man is barely scraping by on his own when you first meet him. when he adds the kid to the mix, he gets even more frugal than he already is with an old as sin ship that many people are surprised to see fly. he will have a policy of “you earn it, you choose what to do with it” and since he goes after most of (if not all) the bounties to keep you all alive, he has the final say in how most of the credits are spent. he does want you to have nice things though, so he makes sure to configure the budget to where you don’t have to pour your credits into the group’s survival money very often. it’s the least he can do. he’s very big on taking care of his people and will show that in small ways.

marcus m. he’s a single dad for a significant amount of time, he has no choice but to be responsible with his money. he has to take care of missy, keep them both fed and housed and healthy, and that’s not even touching on how expensive all of high school graduation and college will be once she gets there. he teaches missy very early in life how important money is bc he doesn’t want her to ever know how it feels to not have enough. he makes a considerable amount of money w the heroics tho so he can afford to responsibly splurge on you both, but not constantly. is very cautious abt the splurging becoming a habit

dave. yeah he may be a murderer, but he’s scary great at managing his money (to continue being able to murder). he’s got his ex wife’s alimony (that still pisses him off but that’s another story) and two girls he takes care of, there’s no other choice for him either. there’s never a worry about dave having a midlife crisis and spending money on some stupid dad thing (like a motorcycle or assless chaps or a country club membership) because he murders to keep his mind off that sort of stuff. files his taxes diligently every year the day tax season starts and will pass this wisdom to the girls.

pero. he’s very good at judging if you need something or not. if it can’t feed you, keep you healthy, kill someone, or protect you, you don’t need to buy it. definitely not a man who indulges in trinkets and frivolous things that do nothing but weigh down his horse and his person. will encourage this way of thinking with whoever travels with him to whatever extent he can, but won’t be a dick about it if you have something sentimental on your person. if it’s a necessity, he will splurge on a bed and bath at an inn but not much else for a while. cheap because he has to be

marcus p. i don’t think i have to explain this one so i won’t. no i’m not being lazy who said that?

maybe you’ll be fine if he’s in charge. maybe:

oberyn. being a prince (and himself), there are different ways this could go. he spends his money frivolously at brothels & on his daughters + other loved ones (as well as other luxuries) and doesn’t really seem to be the type to keep tabs on it all as he goes. but... he’s a prince in a prosperous kingdom and so there isn’t really a worry for money. he’s known as the red viper for many reasons, including his clever nature and the ease with which he can get what he wants thru whatever means necessary. if you want for something that he can’t buy, you know he will find a way to get it for you (which can be a problem sometimes).

max. he’s good with money in the sense of perpetuating capitalism — that’s the red flag here. hell, he’s gonna be investing into bitcoin and who knows what stock market bs & bc it’s max, of course you trust him. max can’t control the stock market tho, so sometimes things are a little iffy. it always evens itself out though, and you make sure in the future that he invests his money instead of your joint money. he’s still gonna share anyways, it just helps you have a little more peace of mind.

frankie. he just wants to take care of you, okay? you can’t fault him for that 🥺 he maneuvers his budget around to make sure he can do all these nice things for you while leaving his own needs unchecked, which isn’t okay. he just wants to provide for the ppl he loves the best he can, but the problem begins when he starts to think he isn’t doing enough. his insecurity & lack of self-worth (fueled by his guilt for “not being everything you deserve”) is what makes him agree to the Trip™️ in the first place. once he comes back & sees you frantic, only wanting him home and not giving a flying fuck about the money, does he realize that you’re devoted to him and not what he can do for you.

whiskey. working for statesman made him forget what things really cost bc he suddenly never had to worry again about not having enough money. being with someone that isn’t practically made of money will snap him back into reality. he looks at his bank statements and his balance occasionally, but our big spender cowboy hasn’t really counted money as something he worries about for a while. when he constantly showers you in expensive gifts (only the best for his baby, that’s his motto) and you tell him that he has to not do that bc he’ll go broke, he plays it off because he doesn’t remember having to worry. separate bank accounts are only because you want to make sure your money is being spent smartly (even though jack has offered constantly to pay for literally anything you need).

don’t give him anything you want to see again:

maxwell. as much as i love this dork, he’s absolute shit with money. when his business is falling apart (bc he made the stupid ass decision to buy the oil rigs no one wanted bc they weren’t producing oil), he throws it all into saving face and trying to make investors buy into something that isn’t there. what a smart business man would’ve done was liquidate his assets and possibly try to get into a business that will yield at least some profit. he does learn his lesson tho and eventually can be trusted with money, but even he is hesitant to do anything with the household finances. he’s a dreamer, and dreams and money are the same as oil and water.

javier. i know you’re possibly surprised but hear me out. he’ll go all in to get info, whether he’s spending american taxpayer money or his own money or anyone else’s, if it’s valuable info that can be bought, it’s gonna be bought even if he goes without groceries for the next two weeks. before being with you, it was booze and prostitutes and cigarettes that ate away at his checks outside of buying information. the only thing that really changed once you got together was the prostitutes and slightly less cigarettes and booze. however, when he goes back to laredo permanently, he’s perfectly capable of keeping his shit in line. he’ll balance every checkbook in sight and run a tight af ship.

ezra. this man is a scavenger by necessity, a con man by choice. he has a silver tongue and a roguish charm and pretty questionable morals; he’s not gonna have any issue with getting his hands dirty. he’s probably gonna use your joint money to try and pull a fast one on some unsuspecting stranger (“it’ll double our money,” he says, “it’ll be fine,” he says), but then said stranger will end up turning the tables and leave you both absolutely broke. yeah he will feel guilty, no doubt. the only problem is that he won’t take it as a “hey don’t do it again” lesson, it’ll be a “this is how i can improve for next time.” eventually you have to put your foot down and take control of the money and when he realizes that you’re improving your lives much better than he is, he will thank you for it.

all pedro character taglists: @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky @obirain @leias-left-hair-bun @themarcusmoreno @catsnkooks @captainrexstan @mackstrut @torradoza @simping-for-fives @stardustsunrisekisses @darthadeline @artemis61003 @majorshiraharu @getdookuedon @capricornrabies @max--phillips @darklingveracruz @book-of-anarchy @andysficrecs @purelypascal @whovianwar @lv7867 @hornystarwarsbisexual @kaermorons @princess76179 @pedropasscals @greeneyedblondie44 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @qhbr2013 if you don’t want to be tagged, lemme know!! the link to join is in my bio

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

🕯Anon said: just wanna say I adore your writing and how you write Reiner and the kids and the other warriors is my favourite thing ever !! I just wanna give them all hugs :) do u have any hcs for the types of jobs you see them all doing in modernverse ?🕯

The types of jobs they have in modern au

{Annie, Bertolt, Colt, Marcel, Pieck, Porco, Reiner, Zeke, }

{Implied Reiner x reader}

{ "Porto" 1935 by Renato Natali 1883-1979 }

Annie is an Animal rescue worker.

Having had experience as a dog trainer before, it wasn't hard to find a full time job at her local shelter after graduating high school, having volunteered there before.

With time, effort and a lot of energy she made her way into the position of "animal control officer" now she spends her days busting animal's abusers doors and rescuing injured or neglected pets.

With long shifts and a high maintenance job, her time was all poured into her work. Usually she'd be exhausted after a long day.

Despite that, she's fulfilled and satisfied with her job. Not having to deal with a lot of people is a plus too, it's a hard job yes but she prefers it this way.

Her friends are bumped about not being able to see her a lot but they understand, plus she keeps in touch with them by lurking in the group chat only to send a snarky remark to stir the pot every now and then.

Bertolt sees her everyday because they work at the same animal shelter, even if their jobs are different they still walk home together, she also met some different people like Hitch and Marco at her job.

The kids love her job, they think it's badass, especially Gabi and Udo. Gabi because Annie gets to kick people in the face and Udo because he genuinely cares about animals.

She'd never tell anyone this, but part of the reason she wanted the job was because she felt guilty for her past self and wanted to fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves.

Bertolt is a veterinarian.

Having changed his mind post graduation and going to college instead of with Reiner, he graduated after 4 years of studying and is currently working with Annie at the local shelter while also planning to open his own clinic one day.

He takes some animals under his personal care for weeks or months even till they get adopted, he fears something bad will happen to the weak or ill ones if left at the shelter overnight.

Just like Annie, the job takes a lot of his time, not to mention caring for animals off of work. So he's in the same situation as her, but for the sake of his best friend he still finds time to visit and hang out once a week.

Reiner and him still text daily, it's mostly pictures Bertolt took of the animals, Annie on her break, interesting plants he finds along the way. And Reiner replies with pictures of the kids.

They still find time to play basketball together, they try to keep it a secret from Annie because she will kick their ass in it.

Bertolt is comfortable with his job, he feels like he belongs and likes being needed. Yes the long hours are a con but seeing the fruits of his labour grow and get better day by day makes it all worth it.

The kids like visiting his house because there usually will be a new dog or some animal in there every month or so, Reiner makes sure they don't bother the animals. 

Something he's never told anyone is a big part of the reason he changed his mind last minute was because Animals feel much safer and secure for him to work with than humans.

Colt is a college student working part time.

He's majoring in nursing, being a four years degree he's trying to balance his studies with work and taking care of Falco.

Zeke offered him to work full time after graduation at his clinic, since he's been working part time there for a while and the pay is good, plus it's really convenientnal.

He has worked different part time jobs in the past like a barista, flower shop assistant, tutor, kindergarten teacher, etc.

Between all his responsibilities he barely has time for himself, his courses end right before his work starts and the small bits in-between is spent on Falco and his friends. Zeke and Pieck try to take some of his responsibility but he refuses saying it's the least he could do to Falco.

He's really good at his job like multitasking, reading people, gaining their trust and having high stamina that he could stay for night shifts even.

He relies on coffee a lot.

Falco sees him as a real life superhero, they weren't that close before but after the incident he really started appreciating his big brother. 

Something he keeps inside is that despite pursuing this job because he genuinely wanted to make a difference in people's lives and help the sick, he also felt a crushing guilt after his parents passed away, and so he's trying to save other people's lives now instead.

Marcel is a pilot.

It's a dream he always had since middle school, soon after graduation he joined the military to gain enough flying hours and experience to apply to a commercial airline after taking some mathematics, aviation and some general flying courses.

He was officially hired as a pilot after getting his first class medical certificate to check his health.

His work isn't measured by hours to him but by days, he needs to be available 24/7 in case of an emergency call. Now he's working overseas and far away from his friends.

You've actually never met Marcel, only seen pictures of him and received letters. The person he keeps in touch with the most is Porco.

He likes his work, it's his dream. He doesn't like the work hours and being so absent from his friends and brother, he misses them so much at times.

Pieck is a tattoo artist.

Her shop is actually her old flower shop after she decided to change her career. She's always been good with plants and taking care of them, at that time Colt worked as her assistant. 

It wasn't till later after some years of practice and training under other artists that she was confident enough about her skills to start the project 

Her art is full of life, mesmerising and beautiful. She puts her soul in every piece and has gained a good reputation because of it, plus having really high ratings and strict hygiene rules, no health inspector could ever challenge her.

Having her own independent work meant that she has a very flexible schedule, being mostly free ment she could pursue other hobbies like gardening.

A peaceful and simple life where she can indulge in her art and be happy is all she ever wanted

Porco is a frequent customer of hers that gets a family discount, Zeke came once before and later sent his friend, a really tall and blonde woman who became her most frequent customer.

Zofia thinks her work is really cool and wants to go and just watch her do her thing, but it's frowned upon to have a kid just sitting at a tattoo shop.

Despite changing into this career, the town people still think of her as the sweet flower shop lady.

Porco is a bartender.

That job came to him by accident more than anything, he was working part time as a bouncer in a local bar but a slot was open after the old bartender suddenly quit and he gave it a chance.

He didn't expect to love it so much, neither did he know about his hidden talent in mixing drinks. So he took it as full time and changed to better bars after gaining the experience he needed.

Being naturally charismatic and good at influencing people, while also multitasking in making drinks and keeping a conversation going, he was instantly a hit in whatever place he worked at.

Working the night shift ment he's mostly free in the morning, he tries to help Pieck with her gardening and is actually attempting to grow some plants at his house.

Naturally whenever there's a gathering, he's the one mixing drinks and being the self assigned bartender who openly judges his friends for their choice in drinks. The charismatic persona being thrown out the window and replaced by a no mouth filter.

He genuinely cares tho, he's the one taking care of someone when they drink more they can handle. It's mostly Colt who underestimates his drinks and is left clinging to Porco who drives him home.

Because of his line of work, tattoos and general brash personality, the kids' parents don't like him even one bit. They're suspicious of him no matter how many times Reiner assures them he's trustworthy.

It's actually only Colt who trusts Falco with him, and maybe Zofia's mom who is at the bar every weekend. 

Reiner is a firefighter.

With his mother pushing him into this line of work, he applied for the physical and psychological exams after graduation before getting accepted. He wasn't unprepared per say but actually being in that line of work was more than he could ever prepare for.

It instantly took a great hit at his mental health, so much in fact that he was thankful Bertolt changed his mind last minute and didn't follow him in this job.

It was both everything he ever wanted, like saving people, helping children, animals and knowing it's him who saved them even if it means putting his own life at risk.

But also everything he hated, like the hunting faces and screams of the people who were far too gone for him to save, the recurring nightmares and constant guilt paired with imposter syndrome.

He works a 24/72 shift, meaning he works for a whole day before getting 3 days off. Approximately only working 7-8 days a month, not to mention unpaid leave, sick days and holidays.

So it both gave him a really tight schedule on some days and on others more free time than he knows what to do with, that's why he naturally took the main role of being the kid's caretaker. Looking after his little cousins genuinely helped him and he liked playing the big brother role.

Especially to Gabi, he was the only stable adult in her life. It's common knowledge that you call Reiner first for anything concerning her before her parents because he's more likely to answer and be available.

After meeting you, his life improved to the better as you moved in and became a trustworthy person in his life, someone he can depend on to take care of his little cousins on the days he works.

Not to mention that after you persuaded him to see a therapist, his mental health began improving too.

Gabi may or may have not committed arson at one point, she still wants to be a firefighter despite that and follow in Reiner's footsteps.

He hasn't told anyone beside you this, but he really fears for her, but doesn't have the heart to tell her no.

Zeke is a doctor.

Previously he worked in a hospital but was able to open his own clinic afterwards, Colt was a great help to him at that time when he was getting on his own feet and even worked a lot of unpaid hours.

After that he insisted Colt works an official part time job there with a much higher pay, till he graduates at least. Plus the experience will greatly improve his resume.

Zeke is brilliant at his job, he'd be a perfect doctor wasn't it for the fact he's a huge hypocrite who doesn't follow the advice he gives his patients. 

He does a side job in his free time that honestly no one of his friends know what it is, but they know it gained him a lot of connections and made new friends.

Something he always keeps buried inside was that he really never expected himself to become a doctor especially after what his dad did to his mother, and yet here he is. In some way it's like his own personal stepping stone to prove he's a better man than his father ever was.

Bonus:

Falco: middle schooler

He does volunteer work on the weekends, sometimes Udo joins him.

Doesn't want Gabi becoming a firefighter.

Likes all videogames , just all types.

Likes watching cartoons and medical shows with Colt who covers Falco eyes whenever an adult scene is on

His favourite food is chicken nuggets

Wants to try coffee

Is good at PE

Reads comic books

Likes yellow and blue

Gabi: middle schooler

Takes self defence classes and really wants to go to summer camp

Wants to be like Reiner, aspires to be as strong too.

Likes shooter videogames or really hard ones.

Likes watching Anime and cartoons

Her favourite food is Pizza

Wants to try energy drinks

Is also really good at PE and surprisingly good at puzzles.

Likes red and pink 

Udo: middle schooler

Takes music classes at the weekend, wants to go to science camp

Kinda wants to be like Reiner or an astronaut.

Likes calming videogames

Likes watching anime and Minecraft let's play

His favourite food is mac and cheese 

His favourite drink is strawberry milk

Is good at language classes and creative writing, he also just likes animals a lot.

Likes green and black

Zofia: middle schooler (could've been in a special program)

Takes music classes with Udo

Wants to be a lawyer

Likes co-op Videogames 

Likes watching true crime and youtubers drama

Her favourite food is Donuts

She likes strawberry milk and ice tea 

Is good at all classes

Likes white and purple

[annoyingloverbear]

ASANO GAKUSHUU X READER HEADCANNONS

Before you ask......don't ask. Yes I like assassination classroom too.

This is a HC about Y/n and Gakushuu attending the same high school.

Ohh boy do I tell you this boi fell hard for you.

And by 'fell' I mean literally fell.

It was one of those rare occasions his father being the disciplined father he is made Gakushuu walk home from school just because he didn't eat his roasted asparagus in dinner last night.

He didn't really mind tho. His home wasn't that far and he liked to see what's going on in the outside peasant world sometimes.

As he was passing a convenient store, he heard some commotion in the alley behind it.

He ignored it and started to walk his way, but he saw a glimpse of a grey uniform skirt and snapped his head towards you.

He saw you, clad in Kunigioka's grey uniform and surrounded by three tattooed bulk men.

"Come on little girl, just keep us company for some karaoke. You see my friends and I we all are really bad singers and would love some help."______"What makes you think I'm good at singing?"________" Oh I can tell you are naturally good at it little bird! Your angelic voice is like as sweet as honey to my ears."________"Back off."_________"What?"________"I said back off you pathetic excuse of a human being before I break your willy and shove it down your throats."________"YOU STUPID BITCH!!!"

He raised his hand, but before he could even swing you neck sliced him in the throat and kicked him down there. He clutched himself as you once again kicked him in his ribs and hope that the blow was enough to keep him down for a bit. You grabbed your heavy aluminium water bottle (those things hurt guys😭 not that I've been hit by one but I accidentally hit myself. it's a great, heavy yet non-obvious self defense tool so carry one around👍) and swung it towards one of his friends. A sickening clang could be audibly heard as you hit him in the head and Congratulations!! You eliminated one more player.

You turned around and swung it towards yet another person who skillfully twisted and yanked your aluminium bottle away from you. This person was similar to your build and was standing in a defensive position, so you kicked the only thing available to you, his shin.

You were surprised as you heard a rather boyish yelp as your victim fell to the ground and grabbed his aching leg. Only then you realized......

Shit it's the previous headmaster's son.

"Oh no!! I didn't mean to kick you are you okay?"_________"I'm fine thank you."

You moved your hand towards the part of his leg which was sprained and saw that he flinched. Clearly he was in pain and seeing that he took care of one of the guys who was hitting on you felt bad so you took him to your house to treat his injury no matter how much he refused.

That was it. That's how he fell for you.

He expected himself to fall for someone who was at the same level of genius as him, but apparently he was wrong.

Why you ask he fell for you? Because you were the only one who can kick his ass purple and speak sweet words to him at the same time.

Seeing that you were an average student, not too good not too bad, he didn't really have a problem with sharing his feelings for you with someone.

The first one to notice it was not Ren, but Karma. Or you could say that Karma found his theory to be correct as he eavesdropped on Gakushuu telling Ren about how he felt for you.

Ren, knowing his manipulating skills encouraged Gakushuu to manipulate one of the teachers to transfer you from class C to class A.

And so you did.

Gakushuu, Ren along with Karma and you. This was a particularly chaotic classroom.

You weren't really complaining, as your grades got better the day you stepped in the class. But you can't shake the feeling that ten pairs of eyes were watching your every movement.

(And lol that was so true😂)

Gakushuu only respectfully watched you and your subtle movements. The way you'd chew on your pencil or nails when you were stuck, the way your eyes turned big round and innocent every time you didn't understand a concept, the way you'd pick on your peach fuzz on your face when you were anxious. Every single habit, every little thing he loved about you, he would have it memorized. Heck when he was feeling stressed out about his future company finances (yes he's planning big) he would pick on his own peach fuzz and smile like an idiot as his heart relaxes and flutters at the same time.

Ren however, watched for your responses to guys. Every time the handsome professor walked in, (admit it, we all have one at some point in our life😏) you would sit up straight, your spine rid of any slouchiness from studying. The way you would cross your legs so your skirt rides up just a bit, and the way your gaze turned sly and your smirk naughty, yes this boy is serious about helping his best friend. Heck he would even come up to you and talk to you to get some type of reaction towards him, but figures out you didn't really like him (ouch!😢)

But Karma stared. And by stared I literally mean stared. Bore holes in the back of your head by staring at you too much. He didn't understand that a guy as corrupt as Gakushuu would fall for a disheveled angel like you. It's not that you weren't beautiful, but the combination of scary principal's son and a smol fluffy bean didn't seem very safe. At times you would even find Karma behaving as an older brother to you. And you weren't one to complain but rather happy that someone in here truly cares for you than judge you for your grades.

Add 7 other girls who were suspicious of you and that's all the people who keep staring at you during the time you're in class.

Every morning you hand in your homework, it was always Gakushuu. You would hand in your homework, he would scan it once and turn around to check others'.

But you knew better than that.

After school was over, you would make your way to the hallway but a strong grip held you back.

"We need to work on your Social Studies. You suck at it."______"But shuu!!!"_______"No buts. Get in the library and wait for me there."

He would drag you to the library and make you study your worst subject (which isn't fun at all🤢) but he would make it a LOT easier for you to understand.

Of course Ren gave him some tips to flirting. Hold her pinky, look in her eyes, compliment her and yada yada yada yada yada......

He did try one of them, but he almost had a heart attack from his heart beating so fast that he decided not to listen to his minio- I mean friend anymore and do it his way.

And honestly he loves his way!!

He loved the cute nicknames you made for him while you whined for him to release you. He loved it the way your face lightens up when he explains there was an easier way to solve an equation.

All the nervousness is his system had vanished.

He also got to the point where when you got an obviously easy question wrong, he would pinch your cheeks while grinning wide.

This made study time a lot easier for you.

You weren't aware that he was like that for and with you only. Only you made him feel that way.

But you found out soon when he got TOO comfortable one day and let it slip out.

"Y/n I think I have a crush on you."

As soon as he said it, blood rushed to your cheeks and drained from his.

Both of you were staring at each other for a hot minute before you broke the silence.

"You're kidding aren't you? I'm not even that smart or that much of a genius in anything. I- but-"

"Y/n I know that. But it's just something about you that I love. I- I can't express in words how much I adore you."

You were starstruck.

Asano Gakushuu. THE Asano Gakushuu likes you!!!!

But you still refused to believe yourself AND his words. Wondering if he was turning into a playboy like Ren.

All you could say was "Then show me."

The library was quiet and you two specifically picked up a spot away from other students, the librarian and surveillance cameras so both of you can goof off. Who knew that this was also the perfect place to kiss?

He gently took your hand as he first stared at your eyes and shifted his gaze to your lips. You acted confident as if you knew how to kiss but god knows you kicked the ass of your first boyfriend before he could even hold your hand.

His gaze stayed on your lips as he licked his and visibly gulped. You wanted to throw a snarky remark but seeing the boy was as edged as a cat you wouldn't dare.

Bringing one of his hands up to your cheek he slightly tilted his head as he came near you before stopping right where your lips weren't touching his but you could feel his minty breath. Obviously waiting for you if you were okay with this, you decided to close that painful space between the two of you.

As soon as your lips touched his, he was in charge. This wasn't a particularly deep or fast kiss. You weren't digging your tongues in each other's mouth but rather just moving your lips to each other, as if giving silent yet intimate messages to each other. His lips slightly glided over yours, and you definitely knew that the way he was kissing you, he was an expert hidden within an amateur. The kiss wasn't heated or passionate in any way, but it was sinfully sweet.

It lasted for about a minute, but felt like an eternity.

Pulling away he stared at you again softly before saying "Thank You" and intertwining your fingers with his.

You were too shocked to react to anything. You were an average student. You got into fights. Your mom always yells at you to behave. Your dad keeps telling you to improve your temper. Why the hell does this boy like you?

He noticed you were staring at him the same way you stared at the blackboard during class when the professor was teaching the quantum theory for the first time.

Now that this boy had finally kissed you, he was bold enough to reach out his thumb and running it over your lower lip before popping it in his mouth.

"Pineapple flavoured lip balm, huh? I thought strawberry was the preferred choice when it came to anything for girls. Including......" his eyes lowered to your legs which felt like they were bare naked in the tiny skirt.

"Shuu!!!! Don't stare at me!!" You shoved him away as he laughed and you covered your face with your sweater paws.

"I'm sorry dear. You are just so adorable I couldn't help myself." He said while stroking your hair.

Little did they know a certain playboy on the other side of the library was paying attention to them the whole time and a redhead was poking his head from above one of the bookshelves.

[mageofseven]

What about the brothers reaction to MC wanting a baby? Like, how they would respond to it, feel about it, deal with all the intricacies that comes with a planned pregnancy and think when they see their children for the first time?

Okay, so I've obviously written about the Brothers becoming parents before, but it was always more of an accident.

Planned pregnancy though? Coming right up!

Oh! And I kept the pronouns gender neutral for this, but since it involves pregnancy, MC is afab, I guess the term is? Not fully sure.

Also, unlike my main series for this, there are no complications for these pregnancies so the brothers don't have to worry about MC as much.

~

Lucifer:

Honestly...the anxiety this man feels is hard for even him to hide.

He loves MC; his Heart is everything to him and the only one that he's ever felt he could lean on emotionally. They are there for him when he'd usually have no one and because of that, he doesn't want to deny them anything as long as he can help it.

However...parenthood is a daunting thing to him. He is already a father, regardless of whether he or Satan acknowledges it, and with the direction his relationship with his son has gone, he honestly feels like a failure as a father

So to have another child to risk hurting in the same way he has with Satan? The man doesn't feel okay with the risk.

It takes a lot of comfort from MC to get him to agree to it

And from then on, he prepares.

To start with, he takes some time off of work and RAD for them both.

It's not just for the baby-making activity, though of course they do plenty of that while his brothers are at school.

It's also time for the two of them to just be together and enjoy themselves. He takes them out for lunch, watches any movie they wish, cuddles with them on the couch or bed, even dances with MC in the music room to one of his safer records.

This free time is not just to start the path of parenthood for them; it's a romantic time to enjoy themselves and express their love for each other more openly and freely without worry of his brothers interupting or Luce needing to get back to work.

When they offically discover that MC was pregnant, the anxiety crept back up in him, but his Love's excitement and smiles were enough to push it back.

Despite always having a heavy work load, the oldest made it a priority to have the nursery done very early on and stocking up certain things like diapers, clothes, and toys.

His anxiety pushed him to make sure everything was perfect, but MC had to pull him aside a few times because Luce, they are only three months along, chill dude, you have time.

With time and more reassurance from MC, his anxiety really did fall, though didn't completely disappear and hovered over her as much as his work allowed.

When MC went into labor, he had everything under control. He called the doctor and kept calm as he watched over his Love.

When he held his daughter for the first time...it was as if everything shifted inside of him. He was less worried about failing her and more concerned with making sure he doesn't.

He vowed to make sure Ksenia always feels safe, valued, and loved.

Mammon:

Um...have you seen his bank account, MC?

Y'all are nowhere ready for children, financially speaking.

In truth, Mammon does want kids; he's a very family oriented demon, even if his family doesn't see him that way.

But damn, he really has to get his shit together in order to be a good dad.

After hearing this Human beg for it though, how could the second brother say no?

Before they actually start the whole baby-making process though, the man has a debt to deal with now that he can no longer justify staving it off.

He managed to pay off a huge chunk of it by stealing from the demon lord's castle but after getting punished by Lucifer and facing a disappointed MC, he decided to pay off the rest and start saving up in a more honest way.

Honestly, it wasn't his preferred way of making his Grimm, but MC went on and on about morals and what they'd be teaching their child if they found out their dad was selling other people's shit so they could have him or her, and a lot of other guilt-tripping that the Avatar of Greed gave into. Man, they haven't even made the freaking kid yet and he already has to get his act together...

Debt gone and a decent start to his savings later, the fun part actually begins--making the kid! The demon couldn't help but gloat to his brothers about much he was getting laid, which was embarrassing to MC but hey, it's cute seeing the human's cheeks all red so no drawbacks for the Greed demon.

Once discovering MC is pregnant...well, Mammon is one of the brothers who hovers over his human, though he denies it the whole pregnancy.

When his Human went into labor, it was the kind of thing where the man pretended to be calm, but was obviously freaking out and eventually he fainted.

He woke up though and just in time for his Human to push out their daughter.

Cassia...just one look at his little girl and he knew that all of his hard work before and the self-improvement he's been trying to do...he knew it was all worth it.

Leviathan:

Boy choked on his chips when MC asked him for a baby.

Like what did he just hear???

His Henry wants a baby--with him of all people??

Yeah, I mean, he is their boyfriend, but still, the Avatar of Envy felt like this must be bad judgement on the human's part.

I mean, he's a dirty otaku. The demon doesn't even understand why they'd date him, but wanting a kid with him?

There's also the fact that...well, what it means to be an otaku. Having a kid doesn't exactly fit in with his shut-in lifestyle.

Basically, it left him feeling as if he doesn't deserve to have a kid with his Henry and that he wouldn't be good as a dad anyway; being a shut-in otaku is all he knows at this point and since being dad kinda requires you to, ya know, not be that and putting your kid first, he really has no faith in himself.

But MC did and honestly, that meant a lot to the Envy demon.

Things weren't decided in that moment. Knowing that their boyfriend was overwhelmed, the human simply asked him to give it some thought and told him that they'll love him regardless.

The man let it sit with him for a couple weeks and everytime he saw a kid in an anime or saw a commercial for some kind of toy, the otaku wondered 'what if'. What would it really be like to be a dad?

It was anime that finally made him cave. Seeing families and parents interacting with their children in them, it really did tempt the man. He recognized that it was fiction and being a parent wouldn't be exactly like that, but still; it made him wanna try.

Seeing MC's face light up when he told them he'd do it honestly made the man feel good about himself.

When MC becomes pregnant, he doesn't necessarily hover; he doesn't feel the need to always be around them or limit what they can do. He's simply more touchy-feely, surprisingly enough. Not in any inappropriate way; just more hugs, hand holding, cuddles. He just insists on more closeness than before, which MC has no complaints about.

When MC went into labor, he was a bit panicky, but pulled through. Unlike Mammon, he never fainted and was able to give support to his Henry through the process.

Holding his son just felt...surreal. Like, how the hell did this happen??? I mean yeah, he knows how, but still, it's just unbelievable. He has a son. He's a dad.

Levi honestly never thought his life would be brought to this point, but looking down at Kai, he was glad it was. In that moment, he was anxiously optimistic about their future.

Satan:

....

Yeah, MC, sweetheart, this man doesn't particularly like kids...

It's not necessarily a hard 'no' though.

After all, Satan doesn't like saying no to his sweet Kitten if he can help it.

The two spend a while discussing it, going over all the prep work they'd need to do, the finances of the situation (like, both in regards to their own finances and literally showing them statistics of how much Grimm demon parents have to spend on average for their children from birth to adulthood), and about how their life will change if they take this step. About the sacrifices they'll have to make and the new responsibilities. After all, the couple won't be able to just focus on each other anymore; their routines will have to change, their be energy put towards caring for the child. Their whole lives will have to revolve around them.

The human accepted all of it though and was ready for the change.

So the blonde agreed, despite his own feelings on the matter, feelings he never thought to speak up about before and after hearing MC's request, doesn't want to.

The couple didn't really set time aside with baby-making in mind and try to rush things. They simply slept with each whenever they just happened to be in the mood for it, like always, but stopped using the runes on they commonly put on MC for birth control.

Essentially, they just went through their days as normal and just let things happen at their own pace.

When MC became pregnant, the Wrath demon had to admit, their excitment was contagious. Seeing them happy...it really felt good to the blonde, despite his own feelings on it all.

Satan wasn't the type to hover, not really. He looked after them, giving little reminders of what they can and cannot eat in this condition as well as when they needed to take certain vitamins, but otherwise, things continued on as usual between the two.

Though his feelings about becoming a parent never completely changed during the pregnancy, seeing his Kitten's belly grow and them look forward to this child more and more as time went on, it did give him the feeling that he made the right choice

And when he felt his child kick inside MC for the first time, the realness of it all really put a crack in his mentality.

Their baby...this was a being who sparked such joy in his Kitten and that was enough for the Avatar of Wrath to start to love his child, though he didn't recognize that fact at the time.

When MC went into labor, he kept them calm and comfortable. Walked with them when they wanted to walk, which he read was good for helping labor along, and gave encouragement whenever his Kitten needed it.

When his daughter was born and he watched his Kitten hold her close, crying happy tears, the man couldn't even describe what he was feeling within himself.

When MC asked if he wanted to hold their daughter, Satan declined. Not out of rejection for Amelie but...was it really safe for him to hold a being so delicate?

"Satan..."

With his Kitten insisting with such a cute, sad face though, how could he not?

Extra carefully, he took his daughter into his arms, causing the small baby to whine and reach up her little hands at him.

This. This was the moment that he realized that despite his original bias that he really did love his daughter.

Amelie was a gift that he never knew he wanted; knew he needed. Thanks to MC though, she's here and with two parents that her more than anything in the three realms.

Asmodeus:

Asmo is a brother that I can honestly see things happening either way: with MC bringing up the idea to him or Azzy bringing the idea up to them.

Asmo loves babies--at least, I see him as someone whose mostly good with them and likes the idea of them. He can't handle things like diaper changes or anything gross like that, but he finds them adorable.

And what would be even cuter than a baby? His baby. I mean, how can you carry genetics from this man and not be gorgeous?

Luckily, MC agrees. The two don't stop to talk about anything practical with the subject. They want a baby so Azzy has the two of them start making them right then and there (well, after Lucifer scolds Asmo for trying to do so on the living room couch and the couple retreats to his room).

The first of the brothers to be genuinely excited when MC ends up pregnant and not be overshadowed by anxiety.

Very touchy-feely during his Dolly's pregnancy, more than usual. Especially once MC starts to develop their cute little belly.

Lots of kisses and talking to their belly, even long before the baby has developed enough to hear him.

This man just has too much love for his child and can't contain it all till they're born.

When MC goes into labor, he's not too anxious, but he feels bad that his Dolly has to through such pain.

Very good at comforting the human during this time. Gives lots of kisses and encouraging words, telling them how well they're doing and how their baby just can't wait to meet them.

Cries when he first holds his son. Sees Liam as the most perfect and sweet being to exist, only tied with himself and MC.

Beelzebub:

Let's face it; Beel was the one who brought the topic up. This family man got baby fever and immediately ran to Muffin for help with it.

Like, I can literally see him rushing into the kitchen while they're on cooking duty and MC smiling and asking if he'd like to taste test, only for him to blurt out that he wants a baby, as if it was something as simple a cookie or a new shirt.

After MC gets over the shock of such a request, they sit down with Beel and actually discuss such a big step.

Regardless of whether MC had thought about it before this moment, how could they say no to this big sweet man who has an endless amount of love to give?

After agreeing, MC has to coax the man away because he gets a little too excited and wants to start right then, but the human still has to finish dinner.

After dinner though! Baby making time!

Becomes insanely happy when his Muffin ends up pregnant. This man literally couldn't stop smiling his cute freaking smile even if he wanted to.

Doesn't really hover over them while they're pregnant; there's honestly little to no anxiety in this man over his child or worry about the pregnancy.

He does, however, do practically everything for them. Let him carry that bag. It's fine. They don't need to be carrying something so heavy. Tired? It's okay, go rest; he'll cook dinner instead. Feet hurt? He'll carry them home so they don't need to walk anymore.

Just a reminder that this is all done out of love though and not anxiety. He's not worried about anything going wrong; he just loves his Muffin so much and is so grateful that they're willing to have his baby.

Finding out that MC was carrying twins just made him even happier. MC had no chance of breaking free of his bear hug (which of course, he was very careful not to squeeze their belly so it was more a side hug).

Spent a lot of time during the pregnancy snuggling up to MC's belly. Anytime the two of them laid down together, he did it. Whether on the couch as they watched a movie together, or in bed together at the end of their day or as he laid with the human as they took a nap. He'd nuzzle their belly and speak soft, sweet words to their babies.

The only time this man shows any negativity about this pregnancy is when his Muffin goes into labor. As it progressed, part of him felt guilty since they were in this pain because of him. He loved their twins and wanted them to be born, but hated that MC had to cry and scream and writhe in pain to make it happen.

When it was finally over and his girls were in the world, being fed by his Muffin, this man couldn't stop watching them. His daughters. Daughters. Devil, they were so perfect to him.

And that was the day where he felt his life could never get any better. His Muffin had just perfected his life with their loving heart and hardwork and the man honestly couldn't be happier. Arsenia and Anais are exactly what he's been missing in his life and his love for them is immeasurable.

Belphegor:

MC...sweetie...this man doesn't like kids at all 😔

After having to deal with Satan as a kid, he has long decided that he doesn't wanna deal with them anymore.

So when MC brings it up to him and asks their boyfriend for a baby, he honestly will not be able to understand why they'd want one.

Yeah, Belphie loves MC, but this would still be a very hard 'no' from him.

Honestly, the only way MC would be able to get a baby from him would be by reminding him of the Incident™️, of him murdering them, and essentially being like 'a life for a life'.

Belphie holds a lot of guilt within him for killing them and whether he realizes it or not, a part of him has been desperately searching for a way to atone so he doesn't have to feel bad about it anymore.

So if this is the way to do it... he guesses that he has no choice.

It's honestly sad. MC really wants him to want a baby too, but can only hope his feelings will change down the line.

When MC becomes pregnant, he understands even less about why they'd want this. Each day, he hears his human in the bathroom, dealing with their morning sickness, and wonders why they want a baby so bad even when they're making them puke their guts out every morning.

Still, he takes care of them. Belphie is a lot of things, but an asshole isn't one of them. He wasn't just gonna knock them up and let MC suffer through it alone. Even if they wanted this, it doesn't change the fact that they're still his Human and that little gremlin making them puke was his kid so he's gotta take care of them.

Doesn't sleep as much as he used to while MC is pregnant. Tries his hardest to stay awake and help them out when needed.

Mostly only naps when they nap and as MC gets farther along, they need plenty of naps.

Finding out MC was pregnant with twins...devil, the man felt like he had the worst luck. He groaned and with it, he hurt his Human's feelings on accident.

He wasn't trying to ruin this for them. He wanted MC to be happy, really he did; all he could think about when he heard the news was how much extra work it was gonna be though. I mean, one baby already demands a lot of time and energy to take care of, but two? Ugh...

Kinda hovered over them during the pregnancy. He just wanted to make them as comfortable as he could, despite the fact that he still for the life of him couldn't understand why they'd choose this for themself. Puking, back pain, exhaustion, weird ass cravings. How was this worth it to the human?

He wanted to understand, but he couldn't and since he couldn't, all he could do was accept it and try to lighten it all for them, if he can.

When his kids kicked for the first time, MC's eyes lit up before they quickly stopped and grabbed their boyfriend's hand.

"Belphie! They kicked! They--" He watched the light drain from their eyes as they deflated. "Oh...sorry, I forgot for a second..."

God, this was the last thing he wanted. The seventh brother put so much effort into trying to make them happy, but they still think he cares so little about something that made them happy, just because it's about their kids?

"Show me."

MC raised an eyebrow.

"Are your sure?"

Belphie sighed.

"Just let me feel it, Butthead."

The human brought his hand to their belly, watching him closely. When he felt a kick, the man's eyes widened.

He didn't really say or do anything at first.

"Belphie?"

He took his hand off their belly, but never let MC's hand leave his. He squeezed it.

"You don't have to avoid things like that with me, Dummy. I'm glad they're healthy enough to do that."

And that was the truth. Belphie was glad his kids seemed to be doing fine. I mean, they're strong enough that he can feel their kicks so that must be a good sign

And most importantly, he wanted his Human to share with him the moments that make them happy because that's the point of all of this; to make them happy.

Devil, was this man anxious when they went into labor. Not that he let MC see that, of course. Like he tends to do with a lot of his emotions, he bottles them up and just focuses on helping his Human.

When his children were born and he watched MC hold them so close, so lovingly...he honestly didn't know what he was feeling, not fully.

All he knew for sure was that these three were depending on him and always would.

It took him a year or two, but he did end up bonding with his kids. Judas and Lilith...being their dad was different than he thought it would be. It wasn't always easy, especially with how much Lilith misbehaves at times, but these are his kids and they love him without limit. The Sloth demon had to admit, such love was just contagious.

The four of them were actually happy. This wasn't just some obligation he had to fulfill anymore; this was a life he enjoyed living and he honestly couldn't remember the last time he could say that before his twins.

[funkymbtifiction]

Finding my Si: a submission

I’d like to share 6 things that helped me discover my Si and how Charity’s advice helped me, in case it helps anyone else :)

1.It helps when friends and family tell you what they think your dominant function is. Like a fish not realizing the water is wet, it’s so normal that it’s invisible to you. My mum picked Si the minute I asked her which function described me best; she said, ‘You trust your personal experiences and refer back to them all the time; it’s like an anchor for you. You rely on the past to get you through the present.’ One by one, my friends picked the same, pointing to how I recollect everything from the date we first met to changes in their food preferences to the color of the shirt they wore one Monday morning. I never realized the enormity of the storehouse of detail in my head until they pointed out that not everyone treasures memory-keeping in the same way. I wouldn’t say Si memory is photographic; for me, it’s more like a fisherman’s net, where I gather in what matters to me. I see a living mosaic of past and present when I look at people and places I love.

2. Being willing to question my own assumptions. An unflinching look at what I actually do, not what I think I do.

I considered Ni when I thought of goals I’ve set. For example, I got into the same UK university at 18 that I’d loved at age 14. This story initially sounded as though I’d had a clear future vision, and never let go of the dream (Ni). However, I’d left out winding twists and turns in between. At 16, I was captivated by a Canadian university and considered going there for a while; at 17, I considered studying in New York. Eventually, I applied to a bunch of unis and got an offer from the original ‘dream one’ in England. It was the best offer and I’d remained fond of it, so I wound up going. I was pleased, but I’d been open to other unis and happy to go to them too. After reading the perspective of actual Ni-users on their laser-sharp vision, I realized mine wasn’t as unwavering, intense and single-minded.

Instead, I realized that the reason I treasure this story -  'I visited my uni when I was just a kid and then got to go there for good!’ - is that I liked being able to link my childhood self and adult self. I enjoy connecting the past and present and spotting continuity and change ('Back then, I did this…now I still do this…and I don’t do this….’). My mind always traces back to how things were, which spills over into dinner-table family conversations ('Do you remember when…?’/'You know how we used to…?’). I realized that this type of personal mythologizing and cherishing a living past is Si. I can set goals and work meticulously in a step-by-step IFJ way, but it is not a dominant personality trait in the strikingly single-minded, futuristic, visionary way that is Ni. For anyone considering Ni, I recommend looking up mbti-notes and Charity’s explanations here, as it is a very complex function and it helps to understand exactly how it works.

3. Painful honesty. Confronting flaws isn’t fun. However, as Charity says, it helps to think of pairs (Si-Ne, Ne-Si or Ni-Se) rather than functions in isolation.

I tried to determine which flaw I could most relate to: inferior Te, inferior Se, or inferior Ne.

I couldn’t identify with inferior Te because I’ve always been a careful planner and organizer; even my third-grade report cards said, ‘She loves being efficient and organizing her little space!’ Today, I have multiple administrative responsibilities at work and genuinely enjoy it. There’s something about streamlining systems and attending to details that feels satisfying (dorky, I know). I could not relate to inferior Se either, as sensory engagement has always been a big part of my life. Whether it’s dancing or nature hikes or cooking, hands-on hobbies have always been so core to me that I often find myself feeling one with the natural environment, rather than uncomfortable with it. I haven’t had reckless moments characteristic of inferior Se. But inferior Ne - those descriptions embarrassed me.

As Charity says, if something makes you go ‘ouch’, it might hit the nail on the head.

I thought I had good Ne because I can see multiple perspectives. But this is more a 9 and 2 influence ('Staying open-minded helps to understand people, help them, and resolve conflict’) and a skill honed through my job in peace-building. What trips me up are the problems plaguing inferior Ne users. Newness and novelty feels hard. My 9 probably plays into it, but in general I am not good at out of the box thinking and brainstorming dozens of different approaches. Despite my 2-9 positive outlook, I usually feel fearful of the unknown and find it difficult to speculate or imagine possibilities in the uncertain future.

4. It helps to see where your attention goes. When I teach and review students’ essays, I’ll start leaving comments about their word-choice in paragraph 3; the evidence they used on page 2; how their argument on page 12 risks contradicting their logic on page 10, etc. I can hold these details in my head with ease, suggest a clear structure, and spot incongruities, but I have to consciously remind myself to zoom out to comment on the overarching ideas in the work.

On the other hand, I notice when I do something creative or abstract because it’s not really what I do on a day to day basis. When I first began researching MBTI, I found it easy to recall the last metaphor I imagined because it stood out in my mind. But determining frequency helped. Not just how I think, but how often I think that way. Ne is a ‘play’ function for me - on good days, it’s a whimsical scribble in a poetry journal, occasional daydreams, self-improvement books on my shelf.

5. Being able to tease out finer differences in cognition. I got interested in a Royal Family controversy recently. I thought I was using Ni because I mused on the consequences for the nation (in a Ni-Fe way). However, I realized I was less interested in future possibility and more interested in what was helpful for interpersonal understanding (Fe/2-9) and how the country could preserve the traditions and culture built up over centuries (Si). Rather than preferring to look ahead and predict what would happen (Ni). It’s a fine line, but it helped to think: how often is my cognition located in the future vs the past? Which one feels more natural? Is it an Enneagram or an MBTI influence at play?

6. Avoiding sensor bias. I felt I must be an intuitive because I do engage in abstract conversation sometimes. It’s just that my topics of choice come from my Enneagram 269 tritype. How can schools treat children better? What can we do to promote community mental health? What keeps kids safer? My job is centered around people’s welfare, and I’d be happy to discuss theories of human psychology or relationships or mental health because I’m very absorbed in my little niche of knowledge. However, concrete applications interest me most, and I am not likely to start conversations about, say, 18th century theology or automated cars or space travel. My INFP and INFJ friends seem interested in a much wider range of philosophical conversation.

I agree with a post on this blog that pointed out that modern psychology now understands traits not as bimodal distributions (X or Y) but along a spectrum (how much of X? How much of Y?). People differ in where they lie along the spectrum. I’d say I’m close to the middle. My biggest tell that I lean towards sensing is when I look through philosophy books on human well being. Even though the topic reflects my interests, I’m quickly bored by too much theory. I’m happy to thrash out an idea with a friend, but it needs to be animated by real-life examples and practical applications for me to stay interested.

Above all, I recommend observing where your heart leads. Much of my free time goes into journal-writing, old albums, and time capsules. Detail-driven memory-keeping fulfills me deeply, and it was this deep joy that proved most helpful for recognizing my Si :)