#childhoodTrauma

[little-tiffany]

A child's shoulders were not built to bear the weight of their parent's choices.

[nexa-styles4-blog]

It's about being wanted...

So as a kid I have always felt rejected, unwanted from the people who were supposed to love me and protect me, so I started to do things ,make stuff, like art, drawings, calligraphy just so that I can be appreciated, get a little bit of my parents affection/attention.

Later applied the same notion in making friends, which explains why i felt that my friends- don't see "me", they only see my skill set. Now I realise why, because that is the only thing that I showed them. I never reflected who I was on the inside and tbh there was nothing to see. Only damage goods.

I was absolutely broken, my skill set saved me from becoming a social disaster but also made me just an asset in people's lives. I do good at work because I know how to be useful but I don't know one person who has picked me for who I am, for me, my personality, my essence.

And that is exactly why when my first love rejected me i felt like he rejected my soul...

My mere existence.

It was devastating because it was proof, a real time "history repeating itself" a notation of what my father did to me. I was rejected and it felt like I was worthless.... Again.

That I was not likable if I wasn't useful.

T.

[davidskeet]

Catherine Deneuve in Repulsion, Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby and Isabelle Adjani in The Tenant. Polanski's apartment trilogy

[caesarandthecity]

The Light and the Shadow: Memories of a Godmother and the Pain

They never gave me much love. I never really felt what it was like to be loved, so the little they gave me was always enough for me. I would cling to that person, and to me, we were already friends, colleagues, whatever it was.

On the street where I lived as a child, there was a lady who showed me a lot of affection. Her name was Dona Ana. Dona Ana was a teacher. Her house was simple, even dirty, and she had two children. One of them, Rodrigo, died in an accident. I still have memories of him today—a handsome guy, full of life, almost wild. I won't lie, sometimes I see myself in him. I was young, about six or seven years old, and I remember looking at him, thinking how beautiful and wonderful he was, and telling myself, "Wow, I want to be like him." Everyone liked Rodrigo. He was free. Unfortunately, he died very young in a car accident. After that, Dona Ana was left with her older daughter, Daniela, and her husband, Seu Célio.

Oh, how I loved spending afternoons at Dona Ana’s house. She always cooked delicious meals. All the birthday cakes in the neighborhood were made by her, and they were so good! Dona Ana was such a kind soul. But I also remember how my adoptive mother, Isabel, and others would talk badly about her behind her back, saying she owed money to everyone, that she was dirty. I never cared about that. I liked going to her house; there, I felt loved.

Sometimes, I would spend the entire afternoon there with her daughter, watching movies, talking, laughing. Other times, I would go to the kitchen, hug Dona Ana, give her a kiss, and she would always tell me she was my godmother. And she truly was a wonderful godmother, a person who always brought light into my life.

I remember one time when she saved me from Isabel, who was beating me. Isabel found me playing hide-and-seek under the bed with other kids, and in a rage, she pulled me out and started kicking my face. The door was open, the house was full of people because of a party, and even then, she didn’t hesitate to do it. The one who saved me that day was Dona Ana. She was passing by, saw the scene, and shouted for Isabel to stop. Isabel stopped, and I clung to Dona Ana. From that day on, she held a special place in my heart.

I always called her godmother, and whenever I had the chance to be by her side, I was. But she passed away, taken by breast cancer that devastated her and her entire family. She became unrecognizable.

I’m grateful to Godmother Ana for saving me, but I also remember that she was often involved in my schoolwork. Isabel would take over my projects and make me sit there, watching, wanting to participate but unable to.

The way Dona Ana adopted me as her godchild was peculiar. Isabel, my adoptive mother, always made a point of telling everyone: "César’s uncles don’t care about him, César’s grandparents don’t care about him, César’s godparents don’t care about him." Isabel always made sure to pass on the idea that I wasn’t important to anyone.

[gingerbeardmansim]

TATSUO - "Good morning, I am Tatsuo, you can call me Tat."

HENRY - "Hello, Tat, I am Henry Julian. Nice to meet you in person."

TATSUO - "Come on in Henry, would you like something to drink?"

They continued their introductions, and Tatsuo got to the point fairly quickly after they sat down.

TATSUO- "As I told you on the phone, Kelvin has had a less than pleasant upbringing to this point. Prior to us taking him in as a foster child, he was living in an automobile with his mother. Unfortunately, things happened, and Kelvin was left an orphan. Due to this trauma, he has some issues. How are you equipped to deal with that, if at all.?

HENRY - "I not only have a teaching degree, but I also hold a degree in child psychology. And unfortunately, I was raised in very similar circumstances, so I have first-hand knowledge.

Pleased with Henry's response, Tat continued the interview, but not quite as aggressive.

TATSUO - "I do not mean to come off so aggressive, Henry, but Kelvin has become very close to us. He is part of Daryl and I. We only want the best for him, and feel it's time he is able to enjoy life and be a ten-year-old."

HENRY- "I completely understand and agree. If I am chosen as his nanny and caregiver, he will also become part of me. I hope that I could reside here..."

TATSUO- "Oh yes, most definitely. We have made a place for that and feel it is important to Kelvin. So, Henry, would you be able to come back later this evening and meet Daryl and Kelvin. A Pizza dinner, sound good?"

Henry agreed to return later that evening for dinner. He as well as Tatsuo felt very good about the interview.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

I knew from an early age not to trust anyone.

[storytellerslense]

I've updated the video because I wasn't really happy with the old version. It's still far from perfect but I hope you like it.

[stillpoetry]

That decade when I wanted to welcome you with excitement, peace, and love

[little-tiffany]

Trauma leaves you more equipped for war than love.

-Julia Pauhl

[truecampbell]

For my primal brain on up to my cerebral brain, I need these reminders.

[quotesforabookimayneverwrite]

Parent? Please you’re a glorified babysitter at best

[bianca-alexander88]

Yeah, I’ve got a bunch of aces up my sleeve, if by “ACEs” you mean Adverse Childhood Experiences. 

[maddogofnovember]

[caesarandthecity]

The Pain of Bullying That Started at Home

My adoptive father saw me skating on a pair of borrowed roller skates from the neighbor. I was so happy because I had finally learned how to skate. I didn’t have my own pair, and my adoptive parents would never buy me one, but still, I wanted to learn. José, feeling sympathetic and after my persistent requests, bought me a pair. They weren’t my size; in fact, they were much bigger, but I loved them anyway. I had my own roller skates.

On the first weekend, I went out with all the other neighborhood kids to skate on a busier street. Unexpectedly, I fell and scraped my legs badly. It was a nasty accident. Afraid of being beaten by my parents, I rushed home and went straight to the shower. Since it was the weekend and everyone was home, they found it strange that I went to shower in the middle of the afternoon. My adoptive mother interrupted my shower, barging into the bathroom and seeing the injuries. Instead of helping me, she became furious and started beating me violently. I was screaming in pain, and as if that wasn’t enough, she grabbed a loofah and scrubbed my wounds so hard that I passed out in the shower.

I only remember her oldest daughter saving me and rushing me to the emergency room. Of course, I was forbidden from mentioning that my mother had beaten me. I simply explained that I had fallen and received treatment.

When I returned home, all the neighborhood kids were at my house, wanting to know how I was. However, Isabel made sure to tell them that I had passed out in the shower because she had beaten me. Most of the kids started bullying me because of the story—a bullying that was deliberately instigated by my adoptive mother.

One of the strategies my adoptive mother used to control me, to ensure I would never want to leave the house, lose friendships, and become isolated, was to speak badly about me to everyone around—friends, neighbors, colleagues, bosses, everyone she could. How many times did I catch her badmouthing me while I left her alone with a friend? Because of this, I started to believe that I was a horrible person, because in my mind, if my mother said it, then it must be true—I must have been a horrible child, a cursed teenager.

But deep down, something inside me screamed that none of it was true.

[laticadel613]

Since realizing my parents havent literally been there emotionally at all in my 26yrs has had me crying for 3 days straight…

Well I ever learn to love or be loved for the way I am…

[hopertin]

Your life isn't about your parents, but your parent's life should be about you.

Sorry.

🤷‍♀️