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booksandwords · 3 years ago

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Sword Dance by A.J. Demas

Series: Sword Dance, #1 Read time: 1 Day Rating: 4/5

The quote: I think this masculine-feminine thing isn’t just because I’m a eunuch. I think I would have been like this—sort of wanting to be both—even if I’d grown up as a whole man. But I might not have known what to do with it. — Varazda

I did not know what to expect when I read this. I did decide to read it because of the nb angle and likely the enemies to lovers concept. But it was a beautiful story with well-written characters and just a beautiful relationship. The plot reveals itself in a timely fashion while there perhaps some elements of slight predictability to it. The beats are familiar even if the people hitting them are not, if that makes sense. But that said it isn't about the plot for me so much, it's about the characters. On the setting, it's only in the afterword that A.J. Demas confirms the setting for the novel. “set in a fictional world loosely based on the cultures of the ancient Mediterranean”. Pseuchaia feels a bit like it could be Greece, Zash/Sasia could Turkey in that case. Look I like geography even fictional geography. I figured it was in a Mediterranean setting quite early but it was nice to have hat confirmed.

On the characters, it is quite a substantial cast but it is largely focused on the main characters Varazda and Damiskos. Varazda (formerly Varazda son of Nahaz son of Aroz of the clan Kamun) is called Pharastes by everyone other than Damiskos. They mean the same thing, warrior, but most people in Pseuchaia can't pronounce Varazda so he goes by Pharastes. Varazda is a eunuch, a former slave and a highly talented sword dancer. His being free is a rarity and he lives in a super cute found family with two other freed slaves and a precious little girl (all of whom I believe readers meet in Saffron Alley). There is no sexual relationship between Varazda, Yazata and Tash. Varazda is nonbinary but is always referred to by masculine pronouns, importantly his nb-ness has nothing to do with his eunuch-ness. I adore Varazda he is so well written. He is unexpectedly complex for a story of this size. Because of his past he has major trust and intimacy issues, he doesn't have an interest in sex now after years of sexual assault. But Damiskos just works for him. Its a combination of factors mostly acceptance and willingness to come to his level ie speaking Zash. “Aristokles’s slave was lovely in a way that seemed somehow basic and elemental, as if he were really neither male nor female, but a being of his own unique nature with a beauty that had no relation to either”. Varazda is stunningly attractive a wonderful blend of masculine and feminine. The way he is written is intelligent. He flows between masculine and feminine contextually, his movements are usually almost catlike which is quite appealing for a dancer.

Damiskos Temnon is the narrator. A former soldier he is lame (as in crippled) due to something in his past but as a soldier, he was an elite soldier. He is not what he appears. He's severed in Zash and has some understanding of where Varazda is coming from. The breakup of his engagement in Zash is closely tied to Varazda. It is worth saying that Damiskos is a man of principle and a master strategist. It's an interesting combination in a single man (something Varazda finds intoxicating). “I don’t know if you’ve worked this out, First Spear,” came Varazda’s muffled voice, “but I fancy soldiers.” I'm going to be honest the dynamic between Varazda and Damiskos is enjoyable to read and so well written. Their intimacy is unexpected and fully triggered by laying out of the truths. Varazda wants to explore the sexual attraction he so rarely feels. Damiskos is just revelling in the uniqueness of Varazda. Their flirtation is so much fun.

The supporting cast is broad and largely female. This is definitely aimed at women, the leading men are endearing and in love the women are strong and sure. Their strength comes from loyalty and love for each other and family. Nione Kukara is a badass woman who did well in her prior role and is now making her way in the world. I think she likes people to underestimate her. Her long-running friendship with Damiskos is part of the set up for the story and honestly to be admired. They have been friends for over 15 years, both of them in roles where that would be unusual (well with someone of the opposite sex at least). Niko is something of the comedic relief, a child slave in Nione's household. He's a piece of levity as the plot grows dark. The old men are just stupid in that way that you want to facepalm over their actions.

Sword Dance ends at the right place. It allows for Saffron Alley to fit right in but if a reader wanted to read only one book that would work too. I really like the writing style. It's almost visceral. "The kiss lingered on his senses like a vanished phrase of music, tantalizing and irrecoverable. The cool softness of Varazda’s lips; the tiny, fleeting brush of his fingertips along Damiskos’s jaw; the scent that he wore, citrus and something spicy, neither masculine nor feminine.", basically anytime Varazda's dance or fighting is written it is truly enchanting. A.J. Demas does a great job of getting the reader in the narrators head. The characters are beautiful and their coding is intelligent, no one is two dimensional. Sword Dance is wonderfully aware of some of the potential issues in play. Damiskos does think his attraction to Varazda could just a kink. Varazda knows the difference having experienced his identity being used. The potential distractions that their chemistry may cause in a fight, neither of them try to stop. Also, the whole concept of what is being written "the idea of catching Varazda when he dropped from a railing suggested midnight assignations and romantic fiction more than escape from a reconnaissance mission gone wrong". There is a deep appeal in Remi's existence and Varazda's whole family that is a fantastic use of the found family trope and Damiskos's acceptance of the situation no questions asked.

This is a book that plays with LGBTQ themes. There are multiple characters of varying identities, nonbinary, lesbian and I'm guessing bi or pan. I want to add a warning there is a not-insignificant amount of hate speech in Sword Dance. Some is directed at the eunuch main character, Varazda. The rest is directed at well almost everyone else in the world, the antagonists have a whole thing with ‘Phemian purity.’, racial purity. Both of these can be problematic for people but works well in context.

#sword dance #a.j. demas #non binary #lgbtq #book review #historical fiction #tw racism #tw hate speech #ktreviews #read 2021 #disability

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blackwoolncrown · 5 years ago

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Genuine question, so I’m bi and even if I’m not out I’m still bi because I feel that attraction regardless if I’m in a relationship or not. But I recently realized I am very much non-binary, but I’m part of a very conservative, religious, middle eastern community in which I will always be perceived and treated as a woman. So, am I still non-binary? That’s not really the question I’m trying to ask. I’m just struggling with wanting to exist as I am beyond gender but not being able to

1. Being non-binary is a personal, internal feeling and has no bearing on whether or not people around you acknowledge this. That’s how gender works. This is why a woman with a body perceived as a ’man’ who is misgendered daily is still a woman. Our genders are ours, the struggle is having them validated and properly perceived by others who generally rely on gender norms and bioessentialism to interact w people.

2. I feel your struggle, evne down to the ‘this isn’t really what I’m asking’. Being nonbinary is very much a thing but it can be impossible to give language to because our entire language was written around binaries. We are constantly struggling to manifest and find in life an experience that we have tacitly been denied language to. We can work towards it and build it but it is not easy at all. I struggle with this constantly, and literally recently have been dealing with how this is playing out painfully in my own life. I do not have all the answers, but here’s my philosopy [TW: EXPLICIT DECONSTRUCTION AND INVALIDATION OF GENDER]

My background is esotericism and philosophy. While those things did not give rise to my internal feeling of being they did help structure and give it language which likely ‘fleshed it out’ a little bit. So that’s the disclaimer.

To put it in brief pretty much all core philosophies or enlightenment or religious mysticisms admit that the thinker must go beyond the world as presented and see through to its undifferentiated state. Gender being a construct is no new idea, but most people intellectually accept it and then refuse, outright or subconsciously, to actually apply that to their life and inspect where their identity is informed by gender and then actually divest themselves of it. It is said, in many ways, in many different schools of thought, that the essential, highest, or core of human being, of human consciousness is both genders, or undifferentiated in gender; concepts of gods and ideas as ‘male-female’ or genderless (like angels) abound. You being Middle-Eastern yourself may have an intimate knowledge of spiritual ideas of beings who have transcended gender. This concept is sometimes represented as embodied (male-female or genderless beings) or as transcending the body (having nothing to do with what form the physical body takes). Scientifically speaking, even the universe itself has been found to not work on a binary at all, but to be fundamentally quantum; that is, fundamentally emptiness (nothingness, undifferentiated-ness, openness) that only collapses (limits, manifests, chooses) once a point is perceived or made to interact with something else.

I don’t think this is simply a thought experiment or an end-goal of studious practice though that is one way to get there. I think this is the basic form of human consciousness and while gendered people can endeavor to arrive at this point through spiritual, religious or philosophical practice, there are plenty of us throughout history ( more here now due to the exposure of information perhaps) for whom ideas of gender construction didn’t ‘stick’ either because they made no sense (they fall apart at the slightest investigation) or because they cause pain (you know that feel).

While it is liberating to exist in this state, uninhibited by the limitations of a binary, this ecstasy and openness is removed whenever it is invalidated. Now, for a cis person this happens rarely because they live in a world that reinforces that their body and their gender are perceived socially as ‘correct’. When it does happen, they find it upsetting, but again it’s very infrequent. Enough that they can maintain a very rigid and unfractured sense of identity bound to their gender. They spend almost all of their time in a gender euphoria so present it becomes background noise. When trans people who are men or women exist in the world, their experience of gender invalidation can be much more common and much more distressing. Their gender euphoria comes from affirmation of their gender, and dysphoria is inflicted socially when they are misgendered. If you are the kind of nonbinary that you and I seem to be (which I must put this way because not all of us have the same experience of gender though most of us have a same experience of struggle), gender euphoria is much more fleeting because any assignation of binary gender feels limiting and confusing. Rare euphoria comes when we see or experience a ‘mixedness’ or ‘completeness’ that is very very hard to depict or express so we don’t get it often. Dysphoria comes whenever gender is assigned; there is no ‘correct’ one because very few people understand us– we ourselves largely are denied language to even explain it to them, and ears that listen!! There are no channels we can go down to have our gender affirmed because it is our lack of gender specificity that feels most comfortable, yet this is an entirely gendered society where the idea of a person is gendered by default and almost always tied to some aspect of the body.

I think that a problem we face is that to actually understand our undifferentiated/quantum gender state, people would have to accept an entire deconstruction of gender which, as an idea, may be abrasive to their sense of identity. Gender is a metaphysical construct- i.e. it is nowhere to be found in the physical body. People who are attached to the mental security their sense of binary gender gives them do not want to hear that their gender is just an idea they have assigned meaning to.

I find it frustrating because it’s not particularly hard IMO to not do this: to understand each other not as men or women or gendered at all but to see our habits and needs and ways of life as being valid because we are human, human animals seems very easy and I wish people could do that more often. If I am nurturing that is not because I am a woman, because men can nurture too, can’t they? It is because I am human and the human species exhibits nurturing behaviors. If I am obstinate at times, it is not because I am being masculine, it is because human beings can exhibit bullheadedness and irritation at times. So on for desire, kindness, selfishness, resourcefulness, kinship…We do not need to gender these things for them to be real! But because we have, people are kind of stuck on that, despite the fact that the gender of certain attributes and behaviors can differ from society to society! If there is gender, it is always in relation to its opposite- men are not masculine and women are not feminine- men are masculine dominant and women are feminine dominant. The gender ideas should always be coupled into a whole, but I digress.Another question I raise myself and you may have wondered is if this is nonbinariness or the frustrating alienation of being perceived and treated as a woman, for surely discomfort with the gender identity of ‘woman’ is, ironically, quite common in womanhood. My answer is that, much like bisexuality, people considered women are much more likely to allow internal questioning to dissolve gender binaries or rigid gender role expectations because in a patriarchy, men’s gender brings benefits and women’s gender brings none. We don’t get anything really great out of the deal, and so we’re less likely to stick around and accept it. That doesn’t invalidate the fact that we’re nonbinary, because again ‘nonbinary’ isn’t specifically a ‘third’ or ‘other’ gender– it’s an experience of being that exists outside of the gender binary completely. It is the experience of finding gender as a concept too small to fit into.

You can be nonbinary in and of itself, and you can also be a nonbinary woman- a woman who identifies with the experience of womanhood but whose concept of womanhood is other than that of binary gender. It’s up to you. I sometimes use this designation but it is largely social- an admission that while I do not fully identify with it, I am born into womanhood and am experiencing life perceived as a woman, yet form a non-binary internal position.You in this moment are deeply nonbinary. It is not a fashion, it is not an outward expression. It is a deep inner presence and experience of unboundedness, unfixedness, and vague, undifferentiated immensity. It is, in my opinion, too big and ineffable to fit into any box, any outfit, any name. And so in this world we may find it difficult to interact with others who are always attempting to collapse us into gender, to cut us down to a digestible size, to see only tiny bits of us at a time. It is frustrating. To be honest I flirt every day with the idea of giving up and going to a monastery but I know good and well that monasteries, too have their gendered ideas for all their sweet talk of transcendance.

I wish I had sweeter words to offer but still, yes you are nonbinary. You are what you are before people perceive you and regardless of whether they are capable of seeing you in fullness or not. That cannot be taken from you.

#gender #nonbinary #nb #Anonymous

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norihisahyuga-archived · 7 years ago

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i feel like this post has been made but i’ve seen some questionable things said on blogs that i follow or have been on and i just want to talk about this because it honestly bothers me that people are treating this as a black or white situation.

people can choose to present their gender however they want. presentation is something that is personal to each transgender/nonbinary person. how you choose to dress and present yourself is up to you, and no one else should have a say in how you choose to do that. if you happen to be nonbinary and nonaligned you can present feminine if you want to. if you identify as a trans woman, you can present as masculine if you want to. clothes are clothes and hairstyles are hairstyles and no one has the right to tell you that the way you are doing your gender identity is wrong because of the way you dress.

i understand that right now the trans/nb community is kind of caught between two schools of thinking. in most western society, everything from clothing to colors to inanimate objects are unnecessarily gendered for no real reason. blue is a boys’ color and skirts are for girls and this is going to cause obvious dissonance with people who are dysphoric and who gravitate away from certain presentation because they are dysphoric.

a trans man might not want to wear skirts and dresses while another trans man might be comfortable in them. a nonbinary person might stick solely to pants and shirts that come from the men’s department and another nonbinary person might mix and match across the men’s and women’s clothing departments. nothing about this is wrong! people should dress in a way that makes them comfortable even if it does not match what society considers to be the “ideal” for gender presentation. you do not have to follow society’s rules.

but at the same time i really do ask some of you to take a step back on the way you perceive other trans/nb people and the way they dress. i am really tired of seeing people simultaneously saying that trans/nb boys should be able to wear skirts and dresses while getting angry about trans/nb girls presenting solely with skirts and dresses. and vice versa. or getting mad at genderfluid people for presenting gender differently based on the gender they are experiencing on any given day. stop it. it’s completely baseless bullshit and it’s harmful.

society has put labels on everything and there are going to be trans/nb people who ignore those labels entirely and other people who cannot ignore those labels because of the way they experience being trans/nb. that’s just how it is, and neither of these things has to be bad. i’m tired of people on this website wanting to make a big deal out of everything. let people dress the way they want to without having to have unnecessary arguments and make nasty posts about it. not everyone does gender the way you do and not everyone has the same experiences as you.

we are, i think, slowly moving toward a society where this happens less and things are less labelled than they were so that clothing is not an automatically gendered item. but that doesn’t give you the right to get shitty with a trans woman because she only wants to present in a way that is deemed feminine. it doesn’t give you the right to act like “masculine” and “feminine” are not coherent identities especially in western society which largely pushes the idea of only two genders to begin with and still has yet to accept nb identities.

and if someone has different experiences than you? an even better reason to keep your nose out of the way they live their life. understand this: just because you do not personally understand how someone experiences being trans/nb does not mean they are automatically wrong or that you need to understand in order to accept them. it is 2018 guys and i am so tired of this.

to quote the meme going around right now because i’m too lazy to make the edit: both schools of thought can coexist at the same time so that trans/nb people can do what they need/want to do and be happy. you guys are just mean.

terfs/radfems/truscum/transmedicalists/gender critical people don’t interact

#lgbt #transgender #nonbinary #intracommunity issues #lgbt things #is my tag for this #look guys i'm literally tired of this just let people live the lives they need to live to be happy for fuck's sake it's that easy #ok to rb btw

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doberbutts · 3 years ago

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Since you reblogged this from me:

I reblogged this because I have been told, to my face, that I am transphobic specifically because I experience dysphoria. I do not love my chest and I do not love my genitals and I do not love my feminine features and I do want testosterone and surgery and I do want to be cis-appearing and I do want to remain firmly in the binary because that's *my fucking gender* and I have been told point blank that all of those things make me transphobic. I was told this by a afab gnc binary trans person.

I have been told, to my face, IN PERSON, that my being binary trans and wanting a cis-appearing body is boring, isn't radical enough, means I don't experience transphobia or misogyny, and that I should just be nonbinary and go by they/them and I should learn to love my genitals and I need to get over my dislike of the idea of being pregnant and that by simply being a binary trans person with dysphoria I am not only a gender traitor but I joined the wrong side of the patriarchy and that I should just accept that gender isn't real and be gender neutral if I can't be a woman. I was told this by a afab gnc nonbinary trans person.

I have been pressured to remain as-is. I have been pressured to be more feminine. I have been pressured to enjoy dresses and makeup and pink and she/her pronouns. I have been pressured to effectively de-transition. And this pressure has come from FELLOW TRANS PEOPLE and it's BAD AND WRONG when this happens.

This post is talking about that. Literally no where does it say positivity for gnc trans people is bad, in fact the very first paragraph says the complete opposite. The rest of it goes into why it's bad to forget that there are, indeed, people demonizing binary trans people who WANT to pass, who WANT to be stealth, who WANT to embrace their gender roles. Because it happens. It happens even when it's other trans people doing it.

It's happened to me. It's happened to a large amount of my trans friends.

Do you know how much my close trans fem friends cringe when they see all these 'girldick' jokes floating around? Do you know how much dysphoria that's caused on a widescale level? Do you know how much it makes my lip curl hearing nonstop incessant references to mantits and boypussy thrown at trans guys regardless of consent without any hesitation or shame?

It's great that you love your chest and you should absolutely feel free to talk about it, but maybe some acceptance and support for those who really can't even acknowledge that we even have a chest without spiraling would be nice instead of a constant 'I love men's tits' all the time. I don't! I fucking hate that people are constantly pointing out that I have boobs! There's countless trans fems out there saying that this constant girldick this and girlbulge that has actually given them bottom dysphoria they didn't have before because they feel like people are just constantly pointing out their penises. It's great for the trans fems that like their penises and more power to them for sure, they need the support too and literally no one here is mad about that.

But maybe the internet should chill a bit on this constantly badgering trans people with potentially very triggering content and telling those who do want medical transition not to because "passing doesn't matter!!!" (but it does to THAT PERSON) and then when a trans person says they don't like it or that it doesn't fit them maybe the internet shouldn't be calling their dysphoria 'internalized transphobia' because that keeps fucking happening and it's happening on and offline.

Honestly your reblog just reads "I am uncomfortable when we are not about me" considering it wasn't at all talking about any of the things you're upset about and even said the opposite of the things you're saying it says. Bad faith reactions to posts aren't a great look. Trans people can't talk about inter-community problems if the second someone who has an inter-community problem gets shut down for even mentioning they didn't like the way they were treated.

Okay but since I’ve seen a lot of it floating around recently - yes, trans people embracing their asab (assigned at birth) characteristics is amazing and radical and very cool. I honestly envy your confidence and self love and that’s an awesome thing to be doing, and hopefully a step forward in changing peoples perception of being trans, alongside creating a new meaning for the term entirely!

BUT that doesn’t mean demonising people who do fall into the trans category of being triggered or uncomfortable by mentions of their biological sex, avoiding any physical characteristics as much as possible, and going out of their way to conform to gender roles as far as they can. That’s also a valid interpretation of transness, and just because the wider internet chooses to ignore it as a less radical option doesn’t change the fact that this is what gives many trans people joy and a sense of belonging. These people don’t have internalised transphobia or anything else, they simply choose to express their gender in a more conservative manner, and that’s valid!

Trans acceptance is being accepting of ALL trans people, regardless of wether their transition is aesthetic, radical or breaks gender roles. Trans people just want to live happily, and that doesn’t change based on their gender expression. Trans people are allowed to be triggered by gender characteristics, allowed to want to pursue a full medical transition, allowed to live their lives entirely stealth, and all those other things people seem to have forgotten while advocating for trans people outside of the binary.

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cassolotl · 7 years ago

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Gender and sex are [not] different

Content note: Article refers to transphobia, TERFs, sex essentialism.

I have recently seen nonbinary people, even high-profile nonbinary people like Asia Kate Dillon, saying that gender and sex are different. This is bothering me a lot, for reasons I’ve struggled to articulate, but I’m gonna try anyway damnit.

Disclaimer: This is just the way I see things. I’ll back up my assertions where I can, but please do understand that I am the internet equivalent of some dude you met in the pub last week.

AN OVERVIEW / SOME CONTEXT

Sex and gender are both social constructs, which basically means they’re ideas that humans created. A penis is just a penis, but only a human would say that a penis (or a person with a penis) is inherently male.

The definitions of sex and gender are broadly agreed to be subtly different: sex is purely anatomical, whereas gender is an experience, a combination of physical, behavioural and psychological things that no one is really able to pin down.

I live in the UK, and here there is no legal difference between sex and gender.

The “sex” marker on your birth certificate can be changed with a gender recognition certificate (hormones and surgery not compulsory), and birth certificates are not connected to medical records at all. Getting that sex marker changed is very difficult and expensive.

You can legally have a different gender or sex marker on all your state-issued IDs and at most it’ll cause some bureaucratic confusion.

You can put any title on any record and some people will probably frown at you if you put Mrs if you’re an unmarried person but those people are legally speaking in the wrong.

Basically anything is legal as long as you’re not doing it to deceive or commit fraud, and the Gender Recognition Panel is way outdated and about to be dismantled anyway.

To put it another way, what the UK calls “legal sex” is actually just legal gender, misnamed. Even the sex marker on medical records is a gender marker misnamed.

To add to the confusion, linguistically speaking sex and gender are generally described in the same way - because until very recently, English-speakers have largely been unable to change their bodies and therefore unable to change the way the world treats them. Words like “female” can describe someone’s body and/or someone’s gender, while also describing the reproductive capacity of non-human lifeforms, the shape of the connecting end of a computer cable...

Because of the body/mind distinction, people who say that only we can define our genders will often comfortably say that sex can be objectively determined by an educated professional.

Doctors generally agree that sex is defined by:

the number and type of sex chromosomes;

the type of gonads—ovaries or testicles;

the sex hormones;

the internal reproductive anatomy (such as the uterus in females); and

the external genitalia.

Since finding out someone’s sex chromosomes takes months and is very expensive and largely unnecessary for most people, unless your doctor has found a pressing reason to test your chromosomes (such as signs that you may be intersex and it may affect your physical health in some way), you do not know your own sex. Yes, you. You have, at least, a (probably but not necessarily accurate) guess based on the information you have unequivocal access to: external genitalia.

This blog post assumes that misgendering people is harmful. It may not harm everyone, but it harms enough people that it’s a good idea to behave in a way that prevents that harm.

SEX AND GENDER ARE THE SAME

1: Sex --> gender

The idea that gender is defined by sex is an obvious wrong thing, so it seems like a good place to start. That’s the idea that your gender comes from your body. If you were born with a penis and testicles, you are a man, whether you like it or not.

Who does it: Some people (eg: TERFs) say that hormones and surgery simply “mask” your “true” sex/gender, and you can’t change your chromosomes or the way you were born. Some people (eg: some outdated gender recognition systems) say that your body must be changed in order to change your gender.

Why it’s harmful: It sucks for trans people. Either you can never be correctly gendered by other people, even when you pass, or you can only be correctly gendered by other people once someone has inspected your genitals or judged your facial hair or whatever.

What to do instead: Don’t say that gender is irrevocably tied to one’s body. Support the idea that people know themselves better than anyone else can, and trust them when they tell you what their gender is.

2: Gender --> sex

Who does it: If you’re on Tumblr you’ve probably read blog posts that say things like “I am female, therefore my penis is female.” A lot of us feel this way about our own bodies, and taking ownership of the language used to describe your body is a very positive thing. In the UK it’s supported by the medical system, which lets you change the gender/sex marker on your medical records just by asking the receptionist.

Why it’s harmful: It’s not - unless you start to impose it on others. It’s not universal. Some of us strongly feel and identify with the sex of the body; for example, Asia Kate Dillon is nonbinary but strongly identifies their body as female.

And then there’s Big Freedia, who says she’s a man because she has a man’s body. Her name and pronouns and presentation, everything that we use as gender cues, are decidedly feminine - but she is very open about her body being male.

What to do instead: Don’t assume stuff about people’s bodies or the language they use to talk about their bodies based on their gender, pronouns, presentation, etc. Don’t say that in general, for example, a body is female if it belongs to a woman. Respect everyone’s right to bodily privacy. Support the idea that people know themselves better than anyone else can, and trust them when they tell you what their sex is. But like, don’t ask, okay? Don’t even hint. It is none of your business.

SEX AND GENDER ARE UNCONNECTED

This is the one that’s been bugging me lately.

Who does it: I’ve seen nonbinary people go out of their way to correct people who equate gender and sex (or man and male, woman and female), and in doing so they state that sex and gender are never connected.

And it’s understandable! The idea that someone can be born in the wrong body has been central to the campaign of visibility and understanding aimed at cisgender people for quite a long time now. It counters the idea above, that sex defines gender, that has been socially prevalent for basically all of living ciscentric memory. A lot of us probably learned about what being transgender is by hearing the idea that your mind can be one gender while your body is another, and said, “damn, that could explain a lot for me.”

Asia Kate Dillon takes this to an extreme. I mentioned above that their gender is nonbinary and their sex is female, but they have also stated that sex and gender are entirely unconnected, for everyone. They insist that male and female are words used to describe sex only, and that it harms them when trans women call themselves female. They said that sex is defined by those five characteristics I listed in the overview, and if any of those characteristics doesn’t match the others then your body stops being male or female at all; a person who’s had a hysterectomy can no longer be called female in terms of sex.

Why it’s harmful: When people say to a trans person, “well you might be a man but your body is not male,” they are implying that someone’s biology would be relevant to anyone but themself, the people they may be physically intimate with, and maybe their doctor. On this level alone it’s personally very intrusive, in a way that no cis person would have to tolerate.

On a practical level, it allows people to exclude trans people from gendered spaces in which they belong on the basis of aspects of their body that may never even be visible, because their body is somehow more relevant (to gendered spaces like toilets and changing rooms) than who they are, and cis people can’t possibly cope.

There are two common excuses for excluding trans people from these spaces.

Random cisgender humans will accidentally see a weird body and be needlessly alarmed or frightened. (Frankly, not our problem?)

Some people are incurably violent or harmful because of their bodies; even someone seeing their bodies may cause harm. (That’s, at very generous best, insulting. In reality, if you are perceived as a serious threat when you walk into a room you become a target.)

What to do instead: Don’t make sweeping statements like “trans people were born in the wrong body” or “gender and sex are different and unrelated.” Support and respect people when they tell you about their own experiences of their body and gender. Encourage cisgender people to take responsibility for their emotional issues, improve and increase resources for victims of sexual violence, advocate for partially gender-neutralising spaces, and welcome trans people into gendered spaces where possible - and it almost always is possible.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS

Always respect people’s right to bodily privacy. Always.

If you feel like your sex is defined by your gender then great but it’s not true for every trans and/or nonbinary person. Similarly, if you feel that your gender and sex are independent of each other then that’s fine but don’t impose that on other people.

Barring unusual phobias, there is no need to ever consider the impact of someone’s sex on you personally. Unless you’re a doctor or you’re about to have sex or something.

In reality, there is a relationship between one’s body and one’s gender for a lot of people, otherwise gender dysphoria wouldn’t be a thing. What the connection is we may never fully understand, but that doesn’t matter. There is a connection for many people and it feels different for everyone, and that needs to be acknowledged and respected. At the same time, for many people there is no apparent connection between their gender and their body, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be one or that deep down everyone else is just wrong about themselves.

Gender and sex are complex individually, and their relationship to each other is complex too. Trying to logic it and sort it into boxes and make a flow chart of it just isn’t going to work. We can stop trying to teach each other, and start supporting each other instead.

#original posts #my words #gender #trans #nonbinary

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mooncaps · 8 years ago

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Understanding My Gender

I expect that understanding and accepting oneself is always a complicated journey. That journey becomes more complicated if your identity exists outside of the conventional social norms. The idea of finding yourself sounds like a cliché, but it rings true to my experiences. It took me a long time to really find myself.

When I first started to learn about transgender people, really learn about them, it brought up some questions for me. Before that I had a certain cultural awareness of the idea of sex change operations. Bad jokes and poor representation were all around me. None of it ever really challenged my perception of myself. Even when I first heard the phrase "LGBT" and looked up what the T stood for, I still didn't have any real context for what that actually was. I remember getting into Veronica Mars and being really excited that there was an episode where Veronica reunites someone with their father, who had "become" a woman. I still thought of it in those terms, a man becoming a woman. I didn't really understand, but something about seeing it represented, not as a joke, made me really happy. It was a few years after that when I really started learning, late December of 2014 as I recall, and that's when I started to question myself. I had led the kind of life that, when I started to genuinely learn about transgender people, I had to ask myself: "Am I this? Why am I not this?"

In the short term I decided that it must just be a side-effect of binary gender roles, causing confusion in people. "Why should liking dresses and pretty things suddenly mean you're not a man? You can be a man and like so-called 'girly' things." I still adamantly believe that you can, in fact, be a man and like so-called "girly" things, but I've also gained a deeper respect for the complexities of gender. It was a Tumblr post (big surprise when I follow a bunch of compassionate amateur sociologists) that got me to understand what transgender actually meant. The person said something to the effect of: "Don't try to imagine what it would be like for you to want to change your gender. Imagine that you're the gender you are, but you look so much like the other one that everyone mistakes you for it and tries to force you to dress and act a certain way because of it." That's the sentiment that finally got things to start clicking into place for me.

I was assigned the gender of male at birth. I took their word for it, by and large. Male-bodied is how I describe myself these days, if pressed to make a statement about my biological sex. Though, to be honest, the topic causes a bit of discomfort. Nonbinary is who I am inside, though I've only shared this with Twitter and Tumblr so far. I haven't worked up the courage to tell my mother and I don't want to tell anyone else in my personal life before I tell her.

If you look at me though, without knowing what I feel inside, you'll see a man. One day I hope to find the strength to wear a dress, mostly because I want to feel pretty, but also to at least make some feeble challenge to that preconceived notion people have when they look at me. However, I'm not there yet.

The first time I looked at Kaitlyn Alexander, I saw a woman. I didn't know that there was anything else to see. Man and woman were the only categories I had for humans and they seemed to embody more traits that are socially associated with femininity than masculinity, so I assumed that they were a woman. Kaitlyn is a relevant part of my journey of self-discovery, of course, but we'll come back to that.

The first time I looked at myself, I saw a boy. I'm sure I had already been told I was a boy. I'm not even certain that I had a solid concept of what girl meant at that time, let alone anything outside of those binary categories. With only two options on the table, boy seemed to be the right option. It was a label that matched my body and it's what everyone said I was anyway. Even though boy never felt like quite the right fit, I had no grounds for assuming that I was anything else. I wasn't a girl, so I must be a boy.

I was a boy who liked Power Rangers, Wrestling, and Dragonball Z. I was a boy who dismantled my toys and swapped their body parts around. I was a boy who...yeah I'm hard pressed to think of very many conventionally "masculine" things that aren't toxic. I definitely absorbed some of that and pretending otherwise would be an exercise in erasure and misrepresentation. However, even in my ignorant youth, I tried not to let it completely define me the way it did for many of my male peers. Ultimately anyone passive will find themselves following the dominant social script; it takes an active effort to overcome that kind of programming. I was a boy though, as far as I knew. I never felt very strongly about it, as if being a boy was anything important to me, but I was a boy.

I was a boy who liked the Pink Power Ranger almost as much as the Green one. I was a boy who watched Sailor Moon before school in the mornings...and joined a Sailor Moon fan club...and drew Sailor Moon fan art...and got Sailor Moon Barbie-style dolls...and Sailor Moon action figures...and Sailor Moon wands...and Sailor Moon curtains...and Sailor Moon sheets. I was a boy who played with an Easy Bake Oven. I was a boy who, in addition to thinking Britney Spears was pretty, also enjoyed her music. I was a boy who liked tiger lilies, carnations, daisies, and morning glories. I was a boy who never quite understood other boys and men, though I frequently tried to imitate them.

I was a boy who found it so much easier to connect with female characters in fiction. I often found myself gravitating toward the women in my favorite stories. It didn't matter if they were physically strong, emotionally strong, active, passive, crybabies, competent, book smart, street smart, outspoken, timid, anxious, confident, loners, nerds, badasses, tomboys, or girly-girls...I found something to love in so many of them. From a young age, through my teen years, and onward into adulthood...it remains true to this day that it's easier for me to connect with female characters. I remember more recently when I completely failed to connect with Beau Swann even though I saw myself in Bella.

According to my mother, I was a boy who had vagina envy. I've forgotten much of the earliest parts of my life, but my mother recently reminded me of this. For context: My mother was very open and honest about educating my brother and I. She penned and illustrated three books about bodies, though she never has published them. One for age four, one for age eight, and one for age twelve. The first book was basically just the proper names of body parts, don't let anyone touch you here without permission, and don't touch anyone else there without permission. (And it's a good thing she did teach us all of that or we might never have known how to articulate the abuse that was happening to us.)

Anyway, that's the context around the story that when I first learned about vaginas, I was apparently jealous that I didn't have one. My mother told me that story just recently, shortly after I'd privately embraced the nonbinary label. When she told me that, I laughed the strangest laugh I have ever heard myself laugh. I'd completely forgotten about that, but it fit so perfectly with the self I was discovering and it was a relief to be reminded that I am who I always was.

As I said before, I still believe that you can like all of those things, have those preferences, have those experiences, and still be a boy. I had a supportive single mother who instilled a deeper understanding of that in me than most people who are socialized as male will ever get. Boys can like flowers, dresses, Sailor Moon, and pink. The question of gender hits something deeper than those kinds of preferences. If you're a boy, then you're still a boy when you play with dolls or put on make up. If you're a boy, there's nothing that can make you less of a boy. If you're a girl, there's nothing that can make you less of a girl. If you're another gender, there's nothing that can make you less either. This remains true no matter what your body looks like. You are who you are and nothing can touch that, no matter what other people try to attach to you.

It took me a long time to figure out I wasn't a boy. Part of that was because I knew I wasn't a girl. Part of that was because I knew that I could like Sailor Moon and still be a boy. Liking pink wasn't evidence that I wasn't a boy; it was just evidence that I liked pink. Seeing myself in female characters wasn't evidence that I wasn't a boy; it was just evidence of being able to relate and empathize with female characters. Wanting to reject toxic masculinity wasn't evidence that I wasn't a boy; it was just evidence that I could learn to recognize my own poor behavior and want to improve myself. Boys are often stunted in those areas due to how they're socialized, but they're capable of all of that. None of that meant that I wasn't a boy. I never felt like my body was wrong, but there was still something about being called "boy, man, he, him, his..." None of those words ever felt like quite the right label for me.

"Who needs labels anyway? Just exist." I lived in that headspace for a little while. Not labeling oneself is a valid choice, of course. Life leaves plenty of room for things like flexibility, fluidity, and mystery. For me though, I didn't care about the labels because I didn't see one that accurately reflected me. You might say that in the present I've identified myself with the non-label lables. There's an element of truth in that, but my labels are at least equal parts about who I am as who I'm not.

Demiboy was the first step for me, the first thing I ever called myself other than male. Here's a good time to bring Kaitlyn Alexander back into things. Seeing them and their character LaFontaine, hearing they/them/their used as singular pronouns for the first time in my life, that was something that definitely created a shift in my world view. This was around the same time that I was learning more about transgender identities. Early-to-mid 2015, I'd estimate. I had watched Carmilla, but LaF being called "them" didn't come up much in the first season of the show. Fandom was where I was seeing those pronouns and getting confused. Once I understood, I was immediately enchanted. I'd been learning about transgender people, wrestling with the concept that "boy" had never felt quite right, and sincerely asking myself: "Why am I not a woman?"

As soon as I understood that they, them, and their were being used as singular gender pronouns, I knew in my heart that those were what I wanted to be called. I was still hesitant to let go of "boy" though. Boy was what I had been told I was from the day I was born. I looked at Kaitlyn and asked myself: "Am I really what they are?" Kaitlyn has a neutral sort of appearance, not quite androgyny, but still a certain neutrality of presentation. This was a contrast to what looked like a man in my mirror. Additionally, I was still hung up on binary concepts. Kaitlyn had physical traits that I'd been taught to associate with femininity and I had masculine traits. How could I be the same thing that they were if our bodies were so different?

So when I was reading up on different gender identities, I eventually found my way to "demiboy." Partially identifying as a boy and partially identifying as something else (or nothing else.) It seemed like the best option. If I wasn't a girl and I wasn't what Kaitlyn was, then part-boy seemed like the option to go with. I never made a big announcement, just quietly added "demiboy" to my Tumblr bio and started casually using they/them/their when the opportunity presented itself. "Well, as someone who wishes they had the courage to wear a dress, I totally understand that point..."

When you struggle with anxiety, you often find yourself rehearsing conversations, even if you're unlikely to ever have them. I imagined being asked what pronouns I should be called as a demiboy. "Well, my heart says 'they,' but my head says 'shut up ya stupid special snowflake!' So...they/he, I guess." I considered putting "they/he" in my bio next to "demiboy," but I decided against it. I knew that "they" was the right fit for me, but I didn't want to make waves or trouble anyone who just wanted to look at my body and say "he." I told myself that if someone asked, I would answer, but I didn’t want to be a bother about it. How could I ask others to stop seeing a boy when I saw one in the mirror half the time?

The thing about the internet though, is that people don't generally see your body if you're not sharing it. Bio blurbs are often overlooked. I post about many things, but I post a lot about feminism, Sailor Moon, LGBT+ issues, Carmilla, The Legend of Korra, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Girl Meets World, mental health issues, and trying to have a general empathy for everyone. I suppose it makes sense that people would assume someone who posts about those things would be a woman.

It wasn't much of a comment. Something along the lines of "her blog is so organized." I knew I couldn't let people assume I was a woman. I didn't want to misrepresent myself or intrude on a space that didn't belong to me. At first I was just going to reblog the post with the comment "*their" and leave it at that. Something in me told me that I needed to explain it better than that. I ended up explaining it in the tags.

#I feel like a lot a of people probably make this assumption based on the content here #at first I told myself it shouldn't really matter what people think and I don't need to correct them #but then I thought I don't want to misrepresent myself by omission #I also don't want to be a bother about it though #y'all can call me whatever you like really #but for the record I use they/them/their when making reference to myself #she/her/hers are lovely pronouns #but those pronouns are not me #I'm not a part of that sisterhood and I don't feel comfortable about encroaching on it #calling me she doesn't insult me personally #(in fact I kind of see it as a compliment) #but I think of it as insulting to the many she's out there #and especially so to people who want to be called she but can't get their loved ones to recognize their identity as valid #tl;dr I am not a she

It was in that moment that I finally made my peace with the fact that I was also not a he. He isn't only the wrong word because it's not who I am, but it's an insult to the few remaining good men on this planet. (I'm not fussed about insulting the assholes, but there are a handful of men who actually honor the name.) I'm no more a part of the male brotherhood than the female sisterhood. Calling me "he" is particularly insulting to the men who were born looking so much like women that their loved ones won't recognize their identity as valid. That's when I really began to understand that I am who I am, even if I look so much like something else that people mistake me for it.

I immediately changed my bio from "demiboy" to "nonbinary." I still wrestled with it for a while, even after that. Again, I made no announcements, just the quiet changing of terms in a bio blurb that most people wouldn't even notice. I was more confident than ever that I wasn't a boy, but I still needed to be 100% sure of what I was. My mind was preoccupied with the most visible nonbinary person in my life: Kaitlyn Alexander again. The question remained: "Am I really what they are?" Could their seemingly feminine body and my masculine body really house the same type of soul?

It was also important to me that I wasn't just looking to distance from myself from men so that when men did awful things I could throw up my hands and go "hey not me." It remains important to me that I take ownership of the way male privilege has affected my life.

Passing privilege is another term I learned through Tumblr. It's a discussion that often centers around bisexuality. The argument is that bisexual people pass for straight and are privileged because their bisexuality is overlooked. The counterargument is that passing privilege is actually erasure. When a gay person is assumed to be straight, it's erasing their identity, but when a bi person is assumed to be straight, suddenly it's passing privilege. When a gay person doesn't advertise their orientation, they're closeted, but when a bi person doesn't advertise their orientation, suddenly they're hiding it for the privileges.

Passing privilege or erasure? I'm sure mileage varies from identity to identity and from person to person. I do think that my situation is very different from a bisexual situation. Being treated like a straight person is something that can happen to gay people too. Being treated like a man is something that does not happen for people who look like women. There are privileges I have access to that others do not ever get to claim and so the conversation around those privileges is altered by that. As I said before, mileage varies. Based on my experiences though, I'd say it's a bit of both. In my situation, it's passing privilege and erasure. It's an Invisibility Cloak and it ultimately serves both functions. From my perspective, being the victim of erasure and the beneficiary of privilege are not mutually exclusive concepts.

On the one hand, people can look right at me and not see me, which burns me up inside. I can't be loved if I can't be seen and that is a painful way to live a life. However, when people can't see what's different about me, they assume I'm the same and they treat me differently because of it. It doesn't matter if I'm a man or not because when it's a man's face, a man's voice, and a man's broad shoulders that they're interacting with, they're going to treat me like one. They're more likely to take me seriously, less likely to try and assault me. Even someone who knew that both Kaitlyn Alexander I were nonbinary would still treat the two of us differently, to say nothing of someone who didn't know. Looking like a man impacts how people see me. Being raised and socialized as male impacts how I see people, especially when you consider all of the toxic baggage that has become so pervasively linked with being male.

So, in all of my soul-searching, I needed to feel certain that I wasn't just looking to excuse myself from discussions about male privilege or alleviate my guilt. It's important for me to not deny that male privilege, the male gaze, and toxic masculinity have all shaped me as a person. I was a slut-shaming, entitled, Nice Guy™ when I was in school. My foolhardy quest to find my "better half" took precedence over the feelings of others in a way that it never would have done if I had been socialized as female. That social programming still impacts my thoughts and to deny its presence would only make it easier for me to fall into toxic behavior. I'm the beneficiary of male privilege whether I'm a boy or not and I want to always be mindful of that.

Beyond that, I felt like I needed to be able to pin down why I wasn't a boy. I knew that "he" felt wrong, but I still wanted to be able to quantify why it felt wrong.

Just a few days ago I saw a post that really made sense to me. Someone had asked why pronouns mattered, why people got so bent out of shape over such a small stimulus. This person's reply spoke of a process referred to as Chinese Water Torture, where a person is restrained and tiny drops of water hit their forehead over and over again. A drop of water is nothing. Several drops of water are easy enough to deal with. Even thousands of drops in succession is an experience that a person can endure and get through. It's when the drops are unending, when you're restrained and unable to control them, that every person has a breaking point. They pointed out that the perception which casts an "oversensitive" person as reacting outlandishly to such a small stimulus as one drop of water ignores the thousands of drops that came before, ignores the fact that the drops are unending, and ignores the restraints that prevent them from getting away.

The metaphor really spoke to me, but there's a further component to consider. If the drops start falling as soon as you are born...if they are a constant factor in your life and you've never known or seen anything different...then you just accept them as an inevitable fact of life.

My whole life I've been sprinkled with "he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he..." and even though I never really wanted it, I never imagined that there was any other option. I looked at other people being pelted with "she, she, she, she, she, she, she, she..." and that wasn't me either so there was never any call to trade my drops for hers. Everyone around me was always being hit by "he's" and "she's." Some seemed more comfortable with it than others, some traded one for the other, but everybody had to have one of the two dripping on them all the time. As far as I knew, it was an inevitable part of the human condition. That's why my world view shifted so dramatically the first time I ever heard a "they" drip onto someone's head. I knew right away that their drops were the ones that fit me too, even before I thought about the particulars.

This, in my estimation, is where the trans-binary experience diverges slightly from the nonbinary experience. I'm sure it's always difficult to accept yourself, to come to terms with the idea that you're not what everyone is telling you that you are. However, when you're in a stream of unwanted "he" and you can look over to see someone swimming in a pool of "she," you can reasonably conclude that her experience is the one better suited to yourself. All of the trans-binary people whose stories I've heard say they knew at a very young age, even if they went on to repress it for a long time after that. I felt vaguely out of place in the label "boy," but I was well into adulthood before I encountered an identity that felt right. I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would have been to find my way outside of the binary if there had not been others out there to light the path.

Eventually, in all of my introspection, I hit the realization that quantifying why "he" made me uncomfortable was beside the point. The fact that it made me uncomfortable was the point. The reason I'm not a boy is because I'm not a boy. Being called a boy from the moment I was born couldn't make me into a boy any more than liking Sailor Moon could turn a boy into a girl. People calling me a boy because I was born with a certain body doesn't make it any truer for me than it does for a transgender girl. Calling a cisgender girl a boy wouldn't make her one and calling a nonbinary person a boy can't make them one either. I am who I always have been and I've found a label that goes with it now.

My most enduring spiritual belief is that I am one. As C.S. Lewis once put it: "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." I have believed for as long as I can remember that I am something beyond my body, something beyond the neurons, chemicals, and hormones. Those things impact me in many ways, but the essence of who I am is something deeper. Philosophers and religious people tend to refer to this concept as a spirit or a soul. I've come to understand that my soul does not fit into the archaic binary social categories we call gender. I can no longer stand to suppress or mutilate my spirit, shaping it into a peg so that it can fit into some hole that was made by and for someone else. I believe that all spirits differ, one to another, but mine is made of different stuff than the spirits of men and women. It would be a dishonor, to my spirit and to all of theirs, to wedge myself into either of their spaces. I am something else. I have always been something else. No social structure can change that. No spirit can be constrained indefinitely.

When Kaitlyn Alexander put up their slam poem "X Marks the Spot," I finally knew that they and I were the same, that our spirits were made from the same type of stuff. It was like hearing my own thoughts in someone else's voice. "The first time I breathed in that thought, I was far too old to be redefining myself... I'm not trapped in a body I hate, just wrapped up in language that doesn't relate to the way my skin hangs on my bones. ... I never felt like we were speaking the same language until someone said 'they' instead. ... I never knew what it was like to fly until I let myself breathe in."

Accepting myself, loving myself, has never been an easy thing for me, but coming to understand this part of myself has made the task a little less difficult. I've never felt more whole than when I stopped clinging to the idea of what I thought I was supposed to be. I've never felt more confident than when I stopped pretending I was. I've never felt more accepted than when I started to accept myself. I never felt free until I recognized my shackles. I never felt like I fit until I realized that I didn't.

I spent a lot of my youth feeling like I was missing something. At the time I interpreted it as a need to find my other half, my better half. I devoted a lot of my time to obsessing over the idea of romance (and found much more happiness and fulfillment when I left that idea alone.) I would have told you back then that I was too smart to be influenced by the media, but I danced to the beat of their drum without even realizing it. I internalized the messages while swearing that I wasn't paying them any mind. My conscious mind rejected what my subconscious was absorbing, little recognizing the conflict that was brewing.

I was always trying to imitate: Trying to imitate men because I didn't understand what actually drove them, trying to imitate extroverts because I didn't understand how those social butterflies actually functioned, and trying to imitate heterosexual romance because I didn't understand what actually made those relationships work. I felt like all of those were tasks that I was supposed to succeed at, so accepting that those things aren't for everyone, accepting that there are other paths through life, has been very difficult for me.

On all fronts, it's been hard not to think of myself as having failed, as having given up on something that works for everyone else. It's been difficult to let go of the idea that maybe if I just worked harder, I could figure out how to be a man, how to be an extrovert, how to be a heterosexual. I internalized the idea that being those three things is supposed to be success and anything else is failure. I've talked about this a bit in relation to asexuality before. Accepting myself as an asexual requires giving up on something that I thought I was supposed to succeed at. Accepting myself as an introvert requires giving up on something that I thought I was supposed to succeed at. Accepting myself as nonbinary requires giving up on something that I thought I was supposed to succeed at. (And don't even get me started on my inferiority complex or the person in my life who has succeeded at all three of those things among many others.)

Yet somehow, even past the feelings of failure and inferiority, giving up on those three things has brought me more inner peace than pursuing them ever did. It's a different feeling from the easy laziness that comes from quitting; I know what that feels like too. This is the sigh of relief, the contentment of learning to let go and move on. I felt like I needed to find my better half, but it turned out that my better half was myself, that I had kept part of myself hidden away, that I was whole by myself. I remember hearing in my youth that I should learn to accept myself and dismissing it as a meaningless platitude. I thought I knew myself and it was just life that I needed to figure out, but figuring out myself has brought a new measure of order to life's chaos.

Clichés don't just happen out of nowhere. There's a reason that people so often talk about finding yourself and learning to love yourself. My life isn't sunshine and rainbows - I've got a whole mess of psychological baggage - and yet accepting myself, letting go of what I thought I was supposed to be, has been such an important step for me.

When I think about giving advice, I usually go with: Critical thinking, compassion, and communication. Socially, those are probably the best tools human beings have. On the personal level: Find yourself and learn to love yourself. In all things: Don't try to force something that isn't working. Learn how to let go and move forward.

If you can apply and teach all of those things then you will find yourself on the path to peace, at which point you need only continue putting one foot in front of the other.

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quantumgender · 4 years ago

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pride ask game by @.hogwartsonline!

i wanted to do this but know i don’t have enough followers here yet to get asks, so i did it myself! under the cut bc it’s long!

1 - What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

i’m quantumgender! its a polygender identity that looks nonbinary/xenic, but is actually made up of man, woman, nonbinary, and xenic identities! i am also pearlian - it’s basically a term for being mlm wlw nblnb and everything in between! i also call myself bi, nonbinary, and trans!

i have a bunch of pronouns, but some of my favs right now are ne/neo, xe/xeno, thon/thons, foe/foes, 🧪, 📟, 🪐, and ⚡! i also use he/him, and it is also my aux if you can’t use neopronouns or emoji pronouns because of neurodivergence or incompatible tech with emojis.

2 - How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

my journey to discovering my sexuality is actually pretty triggering, so please don’t read if you’re uncomfortable with sexual coercion

for a very long time i knew i was attracted to guys! however, i didn’t know i was attracted to girls. i did however, exhibit a lot of signs to be attracted to girls that i didn’t realize - like refusing to go into victoria’s secret, not wanting to watch straight prn because it had women in it, etc. i always thought if i looked at a woman in a sexual sense it would “make me gay” - not realizing that most straight women don’t mind naked women and don’t think looking at them is weird. because i was pretty obviously attracted to women but didn’t know it, this led to a group of “friends” using my inability to back down from dares in order to make me do a lot of sexual things involving women that i otherwise would have been terrified to do. they were a group of wlw that made fun of me for not being “wlw” (i was unaligned nonbinary at the time and they constantly misgendered me). they would tease me until i would write sexual things about women, view sexual imagery of women, or even do sexual acts with a specific girl i (unknowingly) had a crush on.

this did help me realize that i was bi, and i came upon the label bi immediately because i did then (and still do) have a slight preference for men. even though the road to me discovering my sexuality was very uncomfortable, i am still very proud to be bi and i love my identity

3 - Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

i have been misgendered multiple times! i don’t have too many specific stories because as i am mostly closeted, i am misgendered every day of my life and i’m kind of numb to it. because of that, the most glaring examples of me being misgendered were in LGBT+ spaces.

i used to introduce myself saying that people could use he or she pronouns for me. (actually, even though i do not have them listed, i do use she/her pronouns. i simply do not list them online because i get she/her’d constantly in day to day life so i prefer different pronouns online). a lot of cis people would find this confusing and instead of choosing one pronoun to reference me as, they would default to “they/them” which i have never been comfortable with as a pronoun choice. sometimes i have let this slide, but the one time i did speak up, the cis person looked almost pissed off at me for doing so. to combat this i just started introducing myself as “she/her” so i wouldn’t be misgendered by people getting confused by my multiple pronoun sets and defaulting to “they/them”

the worst was the group in the previous question though. the girl who i had a crush on would always refer to me as they/them even though i told her multiple times those weren’t my pronouns. i never felt like my gender was recognized when i had my (very very short lived) “relationship” with her (it was like 2 weeks long so i don’t think it counts).

4 - Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

i don’t remember who i told first that i was nonbinary (this is the first LGBT+ identity i ever realized i was). it was a really long time ago. it might have been the person who introduced me to tumblr, and if so, they were probably really excited for me :)

5 - Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

i do not consider myself “out.” although on my college campus i was able to present in a way that aligned more with how i wanted to present (in a fluid manner, switching between wearing masculine, androgynous, and feminine clothing), i still was not “out.” and i didn’t tell anyone besides my friends and a few close teachers what my identity was (bi nonbinary). my parents, many of the people i went to high school with, and in my future job, i will be completely closeted because i live in an incredibly conservative area and could easily be denied a job or rejected (probably only partially, but it would still hurt a LOT) but my parents.

6 - If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

i’m only out to my friends, they all took it very well. some of the teachers i’ve told seemed really shocked. this is mostly because i only outed myself to speak out on things they were teaching that were blatantly queerphobic, or to give context to a story/argument.

7 - What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

i really don’t like when people assume that because i’m bi i don’t date trans or nonbinary people. like, ffs, i am trans and nonbinary! bi does not mean two, it has always been inclusive, and i really don’t like when people (mostly gatekeepers) try to rewrite history in a way that insinuates that bi is a transphobic identity.

8 - Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

i have two distinct wardrobes - a “grunge/vintage” wardrobe, and a “alt/punk” wardrobe. my vintage wardrobe contains a bunch of flannels, ripped jeans, and band t shirts from classic rock bands - i have van halen and the who, for example. this aesthetic involves a lot of muted colors like mustard yellow, rust red/orange, and olive green.

for my alt wardrobe, i have a lot of black. i have shirts that say things like “they came from outer space” in old-timey horror font, some band t shirts (my fav is from my friend’s metal band), a zodiac themed crop top, and one crop top with a pentagram in the back!

i like these styles because i can wear them as masculine, androgynous, or feminine. i tend to wear a lot of denim and i love my converse and my docs!

9 - Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

um for canon ones kaworu and shinji’s relationship really is important to me personally! it was the first LGBT+ relationship i saw in a piece of media i actually loved beyond the representation.

for other ships i really love, a lot of them are my personal ships/headcanons. i really like cable and deadpool together, and i like imagining luke, and leia both being married/partners with han!

10 - What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

makeup for me is an artistic expression! i wear it sometimes when i have the time and energy. i can do a bunch of looks - i can even make myself look more masculine with makeup, which helps when i feel dysphoric about the way i look.

11 - Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

yes, i do! i experience a bunch of different kinds of dysphoria, but none are sever enough that they would be classified as clinical dysphoria (i mean this that they do not cause me severe depression, dissociation, or other severe symptoms).

i experience a lot of social dysphoria when i am referred to a girl very often, or explicitly excluded from masculine related things (for example, if somebody said i was “too dainty” to lift something [which would not happen because i’m pretty muscular] i would feel dysphoric). i feel euphoric when i am included with both men and women, or referred to with attributes of both of these genders.

as for physical dysphoria, i experience a lot of genital dysphoria, especially surrounding sexual acts. in my day-to-day, i don’t really think about my genitals much, but when it comes to sexual acts, i am very dysphoric about the parts i have.

i also experience varying levels of physical dysphoria. i have a lot of height dysphoria, and i dislike how wide my hips are - i like how large my thighs are, but not how wide my hips are (they’re not even that wide, but when i bind they’re more pronounced without the stuff on top to level it out). i am also dysphoric at times due to my jawline since my chin isn’t as strong as i would like it to be. and, ofc, sometimes i bind. these physical dysphoria features fluctuate from day to day. specifically with binding, sometimes it’s more “hmm, do boobs go with this outfit?” rather than a matter of dysphoria.

12 - What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

oh god, so many things. i think the most harmful one is that the community is full of p*dophiles who abuse children... this one really harms me in particular because i’m a teacher. like no, we are not “harmful sexual deviants” we just experience gender differently and love different people than you do...

13 - What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

i love the supportive parts. i love having a group of likeminded people who i know will respect me when i talk to them. even if i have nothing in common with them, just seeing LGBT+ people open and proud on tiktok makes me feel incredibly loved and validated.

14 - What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

the gatekeeping and discourse within the community itself. for the love of god, please just treat people like human beings. t*rfs and tr*scum especially make me feel incredibly unsafe and like i have to hide parts of my identity in order to even navigate spaces that are meant for LGBT+ people. i also get incredibly, irredeemably angry at people who joke “those are the weird LGBT+ people we’re the normal ones” and shit like that. like you’re not quirky, you’re just bullying people for clout.

15 - Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

yes, i’ve been to pride in 2 different cities! 1 i went to before i knew i was bi, and 1 after! personally i wasn’t old enough at either of them to truly enjoy the event, but it was nice being able to get some LGBT+ related stuff! i got a tiny rainbow flag!

16 - Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

i love keiynan lonsdale! i don’t actually keep up with too many LGBT+ celebs...oh wait! kesha’s bi! i love her...

17 - Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

i’ve been in one real relationship. we met on tumblr.

18 - What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

i’ve only read simon vs... i honestly don’t read things just because they’re LGBT+, and reading in general is really difficult for me to do now because i have a lot of trouble concentrating.

19 - Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

i haven’t faced anything too bad. i’ve heard a lot of discriminatory things said (mostly by parents who i can only sometimes argue against). one time a kid in 8th grade called me the d slur, which was horrying as a 13 yo who didn’t even know he was attracted to girls at the time. but again, i’m closeted so i haven’t experienced much

20 - Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

sense8!!!! it has a mlm relationship, a wlw relationship with a trans woman... i really loved it, i’m still so upset it got cancelled :(

21 - Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

i’m going to skip this one, sorry! i love everyone that i follow tho!

22 - Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

i personally don’t reclaim any slurs. i refer to myself as queer, but i don’t count it as a slur personally, as it’s an identity for me, not just a word. i do respect people who are triggered by it though.

23 - Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

there aren’t any gay bars where i live, so no.

24 - How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

i self-id as quantumgender! it’s a gender that on first glance, looks like one thing, but once you look up close, you see it actually has many small moving parts that make up the whole.

on the outside my gender looks “nonbinary” or xenic. i love both of these terms and they’re great for describing my overall experience. however, when you look up close, my gender is actually parts man, girl, nonbinary, and xenic, and they fluctuate (like they would on a quantum level!) so it just... describes my gender very well, especially how my gender fluctuates!

25 - Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

i don’t think so. there’s a lot of reasons and many of them are personal and i just.. i don’t think so.

26 - What identity advice would you give your younger self?

this isn’t identity advice so much as kindness advice but - don’t look down on others for their identity and don’t let anyone else convince you to treat people like they are less than human. we should support each other, not tear each other down.

27 - What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

these gender roles taste disgusting

28 - Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

gender go brrrrrr aeiouaioue john madden

29 - What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

being LGBT+ should be about lifting each other up even if their experiences don’t align with our own, and helping other communities that need our support. if you don’t love black LGBT+ ppl and other LGBT+ poc, if you don’t love disables LGBT+ ppl, if you don’t love mentally ill LGBT+, if you don’t love trans and nonbinary people... you’re not LGBT+, because you don’t support everyone that is included, supported, and loved within our community. if you don’t love all of us, you are poisoning our spaces of positivity and social change and you don’t belong with us.

30 - Why are proud to be lgbt+?

i... i don’t know. to me, my identities are just a part of me. they aren’t something to be happy or sad about, or proud or ashamed of. they just... are, and i love them as a part of me.

#personal #long post

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mint-chocolatey-chip · 4 years ago

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transphobic people’s definition of the word lesbian literally doesn’t matter -- totally agree

every sexuality inherently includes nonbinary people, and excluding nonbinary people from sapphic spaces in general, but also from lesbian spaces specifically, is harmful -- Also totally agree, I’m not sure why you put this here but if something I said prompted it then there was a misunderstanding. I will say that the wording “every sexuality inherently includes nonbinary people” is misleading and causes a lot of unnecessary discourse, so it’s best to say “every sexuality includes at least some nonbinary people” because not every sexuality is going to include anyone who is nonbinary

The idea that some lesbians are not wlw is new to me and I’m not totally sure that I agree with this, as wlw was created as a term to unite lesbians and bi women as the two sexualities for women who love women

The reason that I said that nonbinary wlw need to either accept being women in a sense or not identify as wlw is because when you’re trying to demand that an entire community change their language to not be about women when the community is heavily centered around women and cannot be separated from women, this just isn’t realistic… perhaps I should say that either you should accept being a woman in a sense, accept not being a woman but being part of a community Of Women that is centered around women, or not identify as wlw. I realize that you can not identify as a woman but still consider yourself part of a community of women (which is the entire concept of being nonbinary and a lesbian). Like my issue isn’t with anyone’s individual identity but rather policing the language of a large amount of people. Language policing is okay in some situations but I don’t really think that this is best when it comes to the wlw community who have historically been a women-centered community, and considering that women and especially wlw are a majorly oppressed class, it’s important not to distance the wlw/sapphic/lesbian/bi women community from womanhood even if individual members are not all women. They identify with the community for some reason that is connected to womanhood even if they don’t identify as women themselves (I’ve heard “SG attraction to women is my only connection to womanhood” -- that is still a connection to womanhood, even if it’s not a female identity)

Also I thought that I had mentioned the overlap between wlw and nblw in my post but I must have deleted it. They definitely are hand-in-hand, but not the same. Many people are both, but as you’ve said, nonbinary encompasses so many different variations of gender that nblw can’t be automatically considered sapphic/wlw. There are nblw who are man-aligned and nowhere near comfortable with any sort of feminine identity and calling them sapphic is just not right, not unless you also want to call bi men sapphic. I’m gonna assume that you meant that sapphic inherently includes SOME nblw (this is a common issue with nonbinary discussions, people saying anything inherently includes nonbinary people which makes it sound like it includes all nonbinary people rather than just some). Like not two different boxes, but a venn diagram. But yes, nblw who identify close/connected to wlw definitely should be welcome in wlw spaces.

hi im the op of that post u rbed. im down to answer any questions you might have. im not saying to separate lesbianism from women at all. im saying that not every lesbian is a woman so referring to lesbians as women as a whole excludes lesbians who arent women. that doesnt mean stuff like the double venus symbol/the term wlw/the phrase lesbians and bi women are wrong. im just saying dont generalize an entire groups gender based on their sexuality. (1/2)

lesbians are a diverse group and all of us deserve to be included in discussions about lesbianism and positivity posts about lesbianism so i was just asking people to use more inclusive language. 2) i definitely include amab people who identify as lesbians. 3) bigender nonbinary people are still nonbinary. even if theyre comfortable w the term man they still aren't a binary man therefore they can absolutely be a lesbian. (2/3) (sorry, i underestimated how many asks this would take)

and 4) idk about the gay men thing. i personally have seen people talk about how nonbinary people who are exclusively attracted to men and nby people should absolutely be allowed in spaces for gay men, however i'm not that involved in the mlm community seeing as i'm a lesbian. all i can say about this topic is that the reason i'm bringing nonbinary lesbians up is bc im a nonbinary lesbian myself and i'm tired of being invalidated (3/3)

Thank you for being civil despite my challenging your post, I really appreciate it! Like I said I am conflicted about all of this, because I do understand not identifying as a woman while being a lesbian on an individual level. And I also think it’s important to consider diversity when talking about a community. Plus, I also know that “who is a lesbian” is something that unfortunately varies between people. I’ve heard the definition of lesbian being:

Women exclusively attracted to women

Binary women exclusively attracted to binary women

Cis women exclusively attracted to cis women

AFAB people exclusively attracted to AFAB people

Non-men attracted exclusively to non-men

Anyone except binary men who are attracted to anyone except binary men (this includes nonbinary men and people who are both binary men AND nonbinary or women)

Women attracted to women

Non-men who are NOT attracted to men (attraction to women not required)

Women who chose not to date men

There might be more but I can’t remember them at the moment. Some are very fringe and I’ve only seen it once or twice.

My point with that is that really no matter how you talk about lesbians you’re going to alienate some people who identify as lesbians. So like:

Lesbians are women (i personally include the usage of “women who love women” in this because it is literally calling lesbians women)

Lesbians love women (again, wlw)

Lesbians are not men

Lesbians are AFAB

Lesbians are binary women

And so on...

I get how a post that says something like LESBIANS ARE WOMEN can be alienating to lesbians who aren’t women but identify somewhere close to womanhood, but I fail to see how the term “wlw” is much better than that.

And I have to mention bi women here too. People like to act as if bi women are worlds different than lesbians, and yes the two groups do have different experiences, but they overlap a LOT. Lesbians are made to feel like they aren’t real women because of heteronormativity, but bi women are as well. There is a dimension missing (lack of attraction to men) but being attracted to other women is definitely something that can make a woman feel like she is doing gender wrong. And unfortunately, there is no way to separate bi women from the term woman like there is with “lesbian.” Bi women are sort of forced to either embrace their label as women or reject it entirely and go with nonbinary — you can’t say “don’t generalize bi women as being women!!!” Even though bi women are just as capable of having difficulty identifying as women as lesbians. But we still recognize that there is a difference between a wlw who doesn’t identify as a woman and an agender person. And even that seems like an impossibility — a woman who doesn’t identify as a woman.

I just think that if we’re going to start setting rules such as “don’t refer to lesbians as women” then we need to go all the way and examine the phrase “women who love women” plus recognize that bi women are in this struggle as well. Truly, I think it is easier for nonbinary wlw to just accept that they are women in a sense, because otherwise they can’t be women who love women, and not get offended when someone refers to wlw as women (which is literally what happens by using the phrase wlw).

And perhaps accepting that they’re NOT women/wlw could be easier as well, being a nonbinary person who loves women is a beautiful thing and we would love to welcome you into the trixic label. Honestly, I think a lot more people would identify as nblw if we were more visible and accepted.

#also side note #i don't think that the differences in definitions of lesbian is always about transphobia #because for example the def you listed excludes men but you said in your ask that nonbinary men can be lesbians so your def excludes them #this isn't an attack or a gotcha or anything im just saying that any definition of lesbian is going to exclude people who might not be #transphobic #unless it literally includes everyone i guess #but then why have a label at all

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njawaidofficial · 7 years ago

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Transgender Actors Say They're So Far Behind That "Pay Equity Is A Non-Issue For Us"

https://styleveryday.com/transgender-actors-say-theyre-so-far-behind-that-pay-equity-is-a-non-issue-for-us/

Transgender Actors Say They're So Far Behind That "Pay Equity Is A Non-Issue For Us"

“When I first came to Hollywood, there were no trans people to look at onscreen. We really didn’t know if there was going to be any work for us, and my agent said the same thing when she first signed me,” said Nashville actor Jen Richards.

Three years later, she still sees every audition and every role she books as “educational moments,” opportunities to encourage Hollywood’s casting directors and producers to hire trans actors. The first-ever transgender actor to appear on CMT and the cable channel’s country music drama, Richards said she knew going into the project that the stakes were high. “I’m hyperaware walking into that situation that I might be the first openly trans person they’ve ever met — and certainly the first trans actor that they’ve worked with,” she told BuzzFeed News.

As cisgender women and men of color continue fighting to close the industry’s gender and race wage gap, drawing support from their colleagues, the public, and California lawmakers, transgender actors like Richards say they are fighting an entirely different battle. Multiple trans actors, from newcomers to more established names, told BuzzFeed News their primary concern is not equal pay but simply finding work.

“I think any of us would just be so thrilled to get a deeper part and to get paid at all.”

“We are so far behind that pay equity is a non-issue for us right now. … I think any of us would just be so thrilled to get a deeper part and to get paid at all. Like that would feel like such progress,” said Richards, who also cocreated, cowrote, and starred in Her Story, an Emmy-nominated web series about two trans women.

The dearth of work available to trans actors leaves few in the position to push back for higher salaries. It wasn’t until recently that Richards felt qualified to negotiate for more money than the minimum wage set forth by the Screen Actors Guild. After she landed a series regular role on a not-yet-announced television series, for which the pay was significantly “higher than average,” Richards’ agent managed to push back and secure more money for her client.

“Now that I’ve [made] this amount of money for a show, I don’t think my agent would counsel me to say yes to anything less,” Richards said of her breakthrough. “I’m really lucky in that I have a fantastic agent who’s very experienced, who’s been in this industry a long time, who really believed in me and has never led me astray. And she doesn’t treat me differently than any other client, so I don’t think she would allow anyone to treat me differently than any other client.”

Jen Richards photographed on April 24, 2018 in Los Angeles.

JSquared for BuzzFeed News

While there has been a relative increase in roles for trans actors in recent years, like Laverne Cox’s Emmy-nominated work on Orange Is The New Black and Trace Lysette and Alexandra Billings’ roles on Transparent, the opportunities are still scarce. GLAAD Media Institute, an LGBT advocacy organization, counted just 17 regular and recurring transgender characters across broadcast, cable, and streaming television series in the 2017-2018 season, still a significant increase from the seven they found in 2015.

When the rare transgender role does come around, cisgender actors often get the part, said Maximilliana, an actor who has appeared on the Clueless television series as a “Tall ‘Woman’” and on the original Gilmore Girls as “Marilyn Monroe.” “It’s been such a struggle to be even offered the job to start with because generally the job is going to a cis actor,” said Maximilliana, who identifies as gender fluid, calling out Anything, an upcoming film about a transgender sex worker, for its controversial decision to cast Matt Bomer in the lead. Such was also the case with The Danish Girl, for which Eddie Redmayne garnered an Oscar nomination for his performance as a trans woman, and with Dallas Buyers Club, for which Jared Leto won an Oscar for playing a trans woman with HIV. There’s also Jeffrey Tambor, who starred in Transparent for four seasons as the series lead, Maura Pfefferman, a trans woman. (Amazon Studios has since fired him after his former assistant, Van Barnes, and costar Trace Lysette said that he sexually harassed them; through a representative, Tambor said the accusations were “false” and criticized the studio’s investigation.)

D’Lo, a Tamil Sri Lankan–American comedian and actor, told BuzzFeed News that finding work can be particularly difficult for those who, like him, identify as trans masculine. “We’re still in what people have been calling the trans moment of television. But the narrative has largely been about trans femininity,” he said.

D’Lo photographed on April 24, 2018 in Los Angeles.

JSquared for BuzzFeed News

According to GLAAD, of the 17 transgender characters that appeared on screen in 2017, nine were trans women. Four were trans men, in addition to four characters who identified as nonbinary.

Richards said that the lack of work for trans men and transmasculine actors can be attributed to a host of issues. But she boiled it down to “garden-variety misogyny” and Hollywood’s tendency to depict women as objects of desire, often for the consumption of cis, straight male viewers. “Part of it is that trans women capture the imagination a little bit more because our default is male,” Richards explained. “So the idea of a man who gives up that kind of privileged position to be female is more interesting than a woman becoming a man. It’s a kind of sense of, ‘Well, of course you’d want to do that.’”

Although D’Lo has landed small roles in Sense8, a popular Netflix sci-fi series, and Transparent, he said his past credits aren’t paying the bills. “Most of it is deferred payment and ultra low-budget SAG.” To make a living, D’Lo stars in digital projects, tours the country as a stand-up comic and theater performer, and facilitates writing and performing workshops. Television, he said, would be the “gateway to getting more opportunities.” It’s also a path to establishing a personal rate or “actor’s quote,” as Richards recently did.

For D’Lo, pushing back during negotiations has never been an option. “If an agent brokered the thing, then I would get a day-player rate,” the minimum for a one-day speaking part stipulated by SAG. (As of today, the union’s rate for a day performer is $956.) “Basically, there was never a moment where somebody was advocating for me to get a higher wage,” he explained.

“Whether it’s an Emmy nomination, a win — all these things add on to negotiating points.”

But transgender rights advocate and actor Angelica Ross has be in the position to demand higher pay. “Anything I’ve ever done, if it comes to a deal, I’ve always negotiated,” she told BuzzFeed News.

After years of working steadily to earn her SAG membership, Ross rose to prominence after starring in Richards’ web series, Her Story. She was in an episode of the CBS drama Doubt alongside Laverne Cox and an episode of Transparent. She also landed a recurring role on TNT’s Claws, the Rashida Jones–produced drama about five money-laundering nail manicurists. She has since been able to leverage the critical acclaim of shows she’s appeared in during the negotiations process. “Whether it’s an Emmy nomination, a win — all these things add on to negotiating points,” she said. Although she acknowledged there is always a risk of losing the part, she said Hollywood executives have hired her based on her reputation and credits. “They know I deliver. They know I’m professional. I show up on time. I don’t dillydally,” she said.

This summer, Ross is set to star in Pose, FX’s upcoming musical television series cocreated by Glee and American Horror Story’s Ryan Murphy. An eight-episode drama about New York’s 1980s ball culture, Pose has been touted as a “history-making” project that features the largest cast of transgender actors in series-regular roles and the most LGBT actors in an American scripted television series.

Angelica Ross photographed on April 26, 2018 at Suite3 Studios in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Annie Tritt for BuzzFeed News

Ross is eager to join Hollywood’s pay disparity conversation, as she doesn’t feel cisgender actors have been all that inclusive of people of color or trans people. While racial diversity on television has increased in recent years, people of color still hold fewer roles than their white peers. The gap is even wider for trans actors of color: Of the 17 transgender characters GLAAD counted, thirteen were white, two were black, one was Latinx, and one was Asian-Pacific Islander.

“I’ve been on television sets and movie sets. I’ve been fortunate enough to be in this business a long time, mostly in the background, but you see how they don’t want to spend money, especially on certain talent, especially on people of color,” Ross said. “It’s so interesting how I see across the board, people of color having to prove themselves, and to have so many documents and portfolios and receipts and accolades before they get the job.”

Ross says she and Laverne Cox have begun discussing pay among themselves: “Laverne and I kind of tiptoe a little bit and started talking about what we’re getting paid. … I’ve kind of confided in her about some things.” But that’s the extent to which trans actors are discussing pay, she said. “It just hasn’t been that space where we’re all talking openly about what we’re getting paid.” The shortage of data on trans actors doesn’t help the cause.

“The focus really needs to be on just getting more trans people on the shows.”

“SAG barely has actors that identify as trans because it’s too expensive to join,” Ross continued. “So trying to get that data on what trans actors are being paid? We’re a long way from knowing any of that information. But in the meantime, I think that my role — as well as Trace Lysette, who’s a white trans woman — we need to join in on this conversation with women, with black women, about this pay gap.”

But like the cisgender women and men of color fighting for pay equity, Richards and D’Lo both emphasized that there needs to be more working opportunities for trans actors before they can demand higher wages.

“The focus really needs to be on just getting more trans people on the shows. And that means writing more and better parts for trans people and giving trans actors the opportunities to play parts that aren’t written for trans people,” said Richards.

Despite the long road ahead, Richards remains optimistic, citing the baby steps Hollywood has achieved. “Now that there are quite of few of us onscreen, I’m hoping that younger people will see that and think, ‘Oh, that’s a viable career path now.’” ●

LINK: Actors Say There Won’t Be Equal Pay Until Hollywood Creates More Diverse Roles

LINK: The Prince Got Paid More Than The Queen On “The Crown” And People Aren’t Happy About It

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