#cause i am in one

[theroundbartable]

Perhaps this is normal but recently I feel a reoccuring sense of dread whenever I think about the future. Or any of the things in my life really.

This is a vent post. I always feel better after writing out my feelings.

I haven't found a job yet and I'm not sure if becoming a teacher is actually the best thing for me to aspire to be, I left the job I liked and the uni that had the classes I liked because of my fear of missing out and my insecureity of being able to do it by myself. It's not just that but the other stuff I rather not write out explicitly.

I felt like I was getting closer with my friends lately again, but now that the holidays are over and they all were in such a bad mood, I feel selfish for having ignored that so that I could enjoy the one day that I had insisted on planning, and even more so for leaving them after getting home because their bad mood affected me too much. I didn't help out much either because I know it annoys them when I ask what to do and I feel like I'm in the way when I simply do. (Or risk getting yelled at, like on our last Trip)

I was the only one who didn't have a bad day during this trip and yet I feel so exhausted afterwards. I feel like I'm constantly regretting everything I felt or said or did. Like, I'm going way out of my comfort zone and it's still not enough. People were complaining to me about each other and somehow I feel like I'm the one at fault.

I went home to deal with that but then I got a rejection letter from the Job application I filed last week and now I feel worse than insecure. I feel incapable. I feel like I keep making mistakes, like I'm trapping myself in a life I'm not sure is worth chasing after.

I wish I could get away from here. From everyone and everything.

I might just be having a day. But I'm sure that if this is how I feel, then my body is trying to tell me something. The problem is I know there are really good days in between, when I have nothing but fun with my friends, when I don't have to ignore problems to brush over the awkward silence. Where I do feel like I'm good enough. Where I can appreciate that my friends accept me exactly as I am, when they listen to my problems and make me forget my insecurities, when they make me more comfortable in my skin and help me be confident with myself and dare to breach my barriers and overcome my restrictions.

And then I make jokes about things that I like in theory, I do write fluffy romance for a reason. And my humor has developed so I can forget my insecurities about more sexual stuff as well. But I feel like lately, people are taking my jokes too seriously and my willingness to overcome my own limitations as something like a willingness to overcome these ones too.

My doctor advised me to have children against PMS, my father seems irritated that I find everything involving having (or rather making) children revolting, or that I'm not sure about my gender anymore because it seems more fluid than before lately, my gf has plans about having children and getting married and stuff, and I wish, I wish I were less complicated. I wish I could look at tiny children and not feel wary of and sorry for them. I wish I didn't feel like I lose all the bones in my body as soon as people want me to make decisions or to commit to anything.

I wish I could stop regretting how I treated the one person I might have been able to fall for. I wish I could be more confident about job applications or know what went wrong last time.

I wish I didn't have to dread every relationship I have or had or am going to have (platonic or otherwise intended).

I wish I didn't feel so lost.

I'm not empty, I feel everything at once. And right now I feel so overwhelmed and yet so lonely and I really don't know if this is just a me thing. I'm sure it's just a phase but it means something, I'm sure. It always does.

Perhaps it's all too fast for me at the moment. Maybe I need to step back a little. Emotionally that is. There have been a lot of changes recently. With the new uni, the new flat and the need for a new job. Maybe it's too many changes at once.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[viktormaru]

Got a new brush

new brush goofying

[clouvu]

Cooking up an older Clervie outfit design so I don't have to keep drawing her looking like her child self but Long

[paintedcrows]

Holiday Classics

Been thinking about Ford watching the 70s Animated Lord of the Rings Movies... (companion comic to this post!)

[courfee]

17 December 1975 / 15 May 1976

[beebfreeb]

To all my long-term followers: You have to look through all of my art and deduct exactly what's wrong with me. I know you can do it by now.

[girlboyburger]

i heard you folks might like fluttershy? 🦋

[dkettchen]

she would've told them unlike her canon! version who decided not to be an ally smh

[smallidarityfan]

"... Is this uhh... a dream of yours?"

happy pride month guys ✌️

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 5: Flip Slip.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 4.5)

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

[naberiustern]

“Gideon the ninth should adapted to a tv show!” “Gideon the ninth should be adapted to a game!” Youre all wrong, it should be adapted to a muppet movie.

[odetojupiter]

the fact that kevin day also witnessed a man being chopped up in the tower at evermore after neil’s audition is mad, and it’s something that is very much not addressed ever. like, maybe part of kevin was so accepting of how things were in the nest because he knew that this is the second branch, and if he were to leave, he’d become the main branch’s problem because he knows too much, and the main branch casually chops men up as a warning to literal children. and then he’s still called a coward for leaving ?? but also a coward for wanting to go back to make the inevitable less painful for him ??? and that’s not even considering what riko and tetusji did to him specifically, before even jean arrived at the nest. and his mother’s death would’ve been quite recent at that point. just insane.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Miles sketchbook is real cute

[peoplesprincessgeorge]

f1 + txt posts = true 2.0