#cathrine breaking broke me

[tired-twili]

My friend when he heard I was playing soma: oh yeah that games rll good, it really messes with your mind, kinda makes u uncomfortable.

Me:pfff yeah the game is kinda crazy but not *that crazy* (I was only abt half way through)

Me after finishing soma:

[magics-neptunes-things]

Friends or Lover

Hello there!

This is a lovely request that you can find here. Again it's a fiction so I'm not claiming that I know the truth about anything. Also this is a sweet wonderful world where ACL are unbreakable.

Enjoy ♥

TW : None

PART 1 | PART 3

______________________________________________________________

"When will you stop hiding?"

Leah’s question, asked to Katie make the woman raise a surprised look on her friend. Both in practice before tonight’s game, they were stretching when Leah spoke in a thoughtful and curious tone.

"What?" Katie raises her eyebrows.

"Caitlin and you"

Katie’s eyes automatically fall on Caitlin, who is also busy warming up with Kyra and Steph. The Irishwoman then shifts her attention to Leah, who naturally saw where Katie’s eyes had turned.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about" Katie grumbles as she resumes her exercises.

"Yeah right" Leah chuckles with a mischievous smile.

A few seconds of silence pass between the two young women, Katie preferring not to respond to Leah’s provocation. Obviously, Leah noticed the glances exchanged and the flirty smiles between Katie and Caitlin, for a very long time now. Katie and Leah have known each other for many years and the blonde knows her friend like the back of her hand.

"Is it because of Lia?" asks Leah soon after, more serious this time

Katie sighs and scratch the back of her head. There is no need to denied more if her friend knows already right?

"Kind of. We don't want people assume that Caitlin and Lia broke up because of that. All happened after the break up, the falling into the other and all, and after my break up too. We don't want to hurt Lia in anyway, she's my friend and I love her. And I don't want Ruesha to know too."

"Why that?"

"You know how she is" Katie shrugs

Leah hums, looking at Lia for some seconds. Both women didn't realize that Caitlin is looking at them now, clearly asking herself what the hell they are talking about.

"I don't think you have to worry about Lia, she will be fine. And for Ruesha even if some Arsenal's girls would know, no one will talk to her about it. Sorry to tell you that, but no one really liked your ex."

"How do you know for Lia?" Katie asks, frowning and skipping the last part of the sentence.

"I just know" Leah answers, trying to suppress a smile on her lips.

She failed and Katie notice immediately. The Irish woman drop whatever she was doing, eyes wild.

"Leah Cathrine Williamson, don't tell me..."

"What? Can you really blame me? Plus you can happily live your love with Caitlin now"

"I never said it's love"

"What is it then?"

"... friends? Who cares a lot for each others and... who... give... each others attention and, well, kind of... wild sex?"

Leah almost choke while laughing and Katie rolls her eyes while smiling. Jonas call them soon after, informing them of some last minute tactical changes. Taking advantage that everyone is gathered, Caitlin discreetly approaches Katie. Positioned slightly behind her, Katie must turn a little to look at the Australian when she whispers in her ear.

"What were you and Leah talking about?"

Their faces are only a few centimeters apart and Caitlin momentarily forgets that she asked a question, her eyes sliding on the lips of her interlocutor. Bowing an amused eyebrow when seeing Caitlin’s gaze, Katie gives her a playful hip shot before answering her.

"Not here. Later, okay?"

Seeing Caitlin’s inquisitive and worried gaze, Katie uncross the arms she had crossed on her chest to place a reassuring hand on the Australian’s arm.

"Nothing serious Sweet, don’t worry"

Caitlin watches Katie for a few more seconds before nodding. Katie lets her hand slid along Caitlin's arm to take her hand in hers. The two young women had already shifted their attention back to Jonas when Leah, appearing magically alongside Katie, whispers in her ear.

"Friend’s don’t do things like that."

********

"Leah knows"

Busy tidying up her things after the football game, Caitlin turns abruptly towards Katie who is herself getting rid of her hoodie, leaving her in bra. They came to Caitlin’s home after the game, with both of her cars, not to attract suspicion.

"What? How?"

Katie simply shrugs as she looks at the Australian over her shoulder after throwing her hoodie on the bed. Detaching her hair, she looks at Caitlin through the mirror.

"She knows, that’s all. And I guess it’s just an assemblage of things, she was so sure when she talked to me about it that it was useless for me to denied it."

Caitlin answers nothing to this, mechanically playing with one of her football boots.

"Does that make any difference to you?" asks the Irish woman, gently frowning.

"No, nothing. I just hope it doesn’t cause drama"

"We can trust Leah, I’m sure she won’t tell anyone. And if it’s about Lia, it seems she’s moved on too"

This seems to draw Caitlin's attention, who reports her eyes on Katie’s back. The latter observes her carefully, still through the mirror, and therefore doesn't miss the change in behavior of the brunette.

"Oh? With whom?"

"Leah" answers Katie before waiting a few seconds to ask her the question burning her lips. "Does it bother you?"

"No, not at all. I mean, even if we’re not together I care for her and she deserves to be happy. I'm glad if it's with Leah, I know she will treat her right."

Katie nods thoughtfully and begins to untangle her hair. Which she already did when she got out of the shower earlier, but because of the London wind, they’re already full of knots. A few seconds later, Caitlin is behind her to take the brush from her hands and do it herself. The Australian realized early in their relationship how much Katie appreciated when she plays with her hair.

"That leaves us Ruesha anyway" Caitlin says, after minutes of silence.

"I don’t think anyone from Arsenal will tell her" Katie says, taking Leah's words "And when she will know, I can handle her. And I won't let her to come near you"

"Sur thing, Rambo" Caitlin smirks. "Now can you please put a shirt on or something? I can't stay focus on anything when you're half naked"

"I know" Katie smirk back, before turning around to face Caitlin.

She pass her arms around Caitlin neck, playing with her baby hair before kissing her. Caitlin’s hands find their place on her hips, dragging the other girl more against her. They kiss for some minutes, before Caitlin's lips are finding her way along Katie's neck.

"Leah said something else" Katie whispers before holding her breath when Caitlin bite her.

"What did Leah say?" Caitlin mumble against her skin.

"Friend's don't do things like that" Katie answers, mimicking Leah's accent.

That made the Aussie laughs, and before she can do anything against it, Katie push her on her back in the bed to straddle her. Still smiling, Caitlin let her hands embrace Katie's ass before leaning for another kiss. Katie give it to her, but Caitlin realize there is something else.

"What is it Katie?"

"Leah said..." begin Katie while Caitlin rolls her eyes.

"Leah said a lot of things today. Go on" she adds, seeing the other girl biting her lips.

"She asks me what we are and I didn't know what to answer"

"What did you said?"

Caitlin tilted her head, really curious of Katie's answer. But the Irish woman blush when she remembers what she said. That thing alone intrigues Caitlin, Katie isn't the kind of person who blushes, she's the one who usually makes others blush.

"Is it that bad?" Caitlin laughs

"Kinda" mumble Katie, now sitting on Caitlin's legs, her hands on Caitlin's hips.

"Just tell me"

Rising on her elbows to better observe the youngest, Caitlin looks closely at Katie’s face. The Irish girl seems to find her fingers and nails very interesting at the moment.

"Dunno. I answer something like we are friends who take care of each other, something like that"

Caitlin stay silence for a long moment, at least in Katie's opinion, before burst into laughter.

"Taking care of each others? Is it how you talk about sex now?"

"I mention sex too" Katie answer while rolling her eyes. "But I don't know, I had the feeling that it was more than that. At least, it is for me"

Caitlin's laughter finally stopped after that and she's looking at Katie with a smile and tenderness. They have never talk about the agreements of their relationship, to be fair to Katie. The latter seems to be kind of embarrassed, looking at everything in the room until it's not Caitlin.

"Hey" Caitlin says, taking Katie's chin between her thumb and her index "Of course it's more than sex, for me too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" confirms Caitlin, still smiling.

"Amazing sex" smirks Katie

"Amazing sex" Caitlin confirms, before Katie lay on top of her to kiss her properly.

[livlepretre]

God Cathrine just sobbing and breaking down after killing (fake)Peter, rushing into his arms when real Peter shows up, then literally changing all her plans because she realizes she loves him is just the epitome of romance and no one can tell me otherwise

LOOK the great broke my brain and I may never recover from getting this caliber of ship on my screen, it's too exactly what I have always desired. and also "i'm sticking with you" playing right after?? I CAN'T.

[samnatandsteve]

Nat gets Amnesia

 so @mockinghawk-romanogers asked for a fic of this based off a post of mine. it took a lot longer to get to than I planned thanks to university and life, and it’s not really the same as the of post but that’s okay. I like both of them. 

This is the post in question by the way: 

[Steve and the Bucky are in central Asia following a lead on a terrorist organization after Civil War][Nat and Sam are following other leads in central America, Nat got hurt and can't keep things straight in her mind]

Nat : *gets a long and well written love letter from Steve*Nat : awwww

Nat : *writes back* "you have a crush on me? That's embarrassing :P"

[A week later]

Steve : *calls Nat on burner phone only for emergencies* Nat, we're litterly married!

Nat : is that how I got your dog tags with your mom's ring on it?

Steve : yes! Don't you remember?

Nat : not really... did I look nice?

Steve : ....of course you did, can I talk to Sam?

Nat : why?

Steve : I need him to check something for me

Nat : what is it? I can do it

*Sam walks in, sees the phone, panicks, and grabs the phone*

Nat : hey!! What gives?

Sam : *trying to act nonchalant while shooting Nat away* hey man, what's up?

Steve : why doesn't my wife remember she's my wife?

Sam : whaaattttt? that's crazy!

Steve : is Nat hurt?

Sam : Not a cut

Nat : *in the background* tell the pizza man I want extra banana peppers on mine

Sam : *to Nat* sure thing

Steve : Sam what happened?

Sam : what do you mean?

Steve : what happen-

Sam : woops well look at that, times up, got to go! Tasha, say bye

Nat : why do I have to say goodbye to the pizza man?

Sam : because he likes you

Nat : likes likes?Sam : ohhh yeah

Steve : wait a minute Sa-

*Sam hangs up*

I can do the whole pizza man part in another one if you guys want me to. But this is the oneshot I whipped up today because I finally had the time and motivation :) 

-

They were on a mission in Brazil that of course brought them to the Amazon Rainforest and not only there but at a Hydra base right on the banks of the river itself. Hydra and their fucking cliches. Sam and Natasha went down there to do some snooping around - “Recon” as Tasha put it. Which of course quickly turned into “innocent intel gathering” as she put it in the middle of the night. Then one trip wire (fucking cliches) got them into a “good old fashion shoot out” as she so cheekly put it as she put a bullet in a Hydra goon’s head. Which may or may not have made Sam question Steve’s sanity for marrying such a scary woman. And they just in Brazil that morning, barely had any lunch and Sam’s stomach is really pissed at him. 

   But back to the point! Hydra, Amazon River, terrifying  woman for a partner, kicking Hydra goon ass all in the very humid and very yuckie air of the Amazon. Just one other reason to add to the list of “why I hate Jimmy”, Sam should've gone with scissors that last round, at least then he would be in Central  Asia and just  be dealing with the heat. 

They managed to get outside where they could get the upper hand,  mainly thanks to Tasha’s kick ass assassin skills. Now he was providing air support and Redwing was being awesome and finishing up the intel theft. 

So Tasha was on the ground kicking ass like only Sam could dream of doing, Sam was playing snipper and taking out stragglers and thinning them out for Tasha when suddenly Tasha was in the river face down and Sam was fighting to right himself midair with his ears ringing painfully.

Cold sweat ran down Sam’s back as the biting air rushed in his ears and brought tears to his eyes. He’s going to blame it on the wind if any of those Hydra idiots brought it up, because Sam Wilson does not cry for his friends, he was a stone cold certified bad bitch (by Tasha the queen of bad bitches herself) thank you very much. His stomach twists painfully making him want to throw up and he does and it’s just acid and it burns his throat and he hates today. 

In just another example of classical Hydra cliche, they blew up their little super secret base and bebrie hit Tasha, sending her into the river. His mind registers the fact that Redwing’s still connected to the goggles’ computer and online. Sam thanks the beings that be as he takes a swan dive to Tasha. One thing is for sure, Sam thought as he pulled Natasha out of the river, Steve will kill him if he finds out about this. 

“Redwing buddy tell me I didn’t just let cap become a widow.” The electronic drone bird chirps as they run away- make a strategic withdrawal into the night sky to their hotel room. Sam breathed a sigh of relief as her vitals popped up and he saw her steady heart beat. “Thank god! He still can’t know about this though!” Redwing chirps again as Sam readjusts the spy in his arms. “Well if she snitches we just have to go into hiding.” Another chirp. “Can you stop pointing out faults in my plan?” Silence. “Thank you.”  

Natalie grones as the light hits her eyes causing a pounding headache to erupt across her head. “What the fuck happened last night?” Her cold hand helped a bit when she held it against her forehead. A black man walked out of the bathroom with a hesitant smile on his face.

“Heyyy girl, how’re you feeling?” She  grunted in reply and she threw her bare legs over the side of the bed. Pausing, she looked down and raised an eyebrow, she had her underwear and tank top on. 

“Why the hell am I half naked with a hell of a hangover? Did we sleep together? You better have used protection!” She jabed her left index finger at the man who was still standing on the other side of the room by the desk. Her eyes caught the gold of her wedding band. “You better be my husband too, I am no cheat!” The man’s mouth went slack as his eyes went wide. 

“I broke her- Hydra broke her and I let them.” He started to ramble to himself, rubbing his hands over his head. Natalie pauses again, what the hell does a Nazi subdivison have to do with this? 

“I thought Captain America took care of those guys.” The man stopped and she could practically see the dread set in as she watched his back. Something in a bag on his side of the room chirped and he snapped at it to shut up. 

After a slew of questions the man, Sam, tells her she had memory loss and thinks she’s one of her covers for her job; A history teacher named Natalie Rushmen when she was really an intelligence agent named Natasha Rogers. They were on a mission in Brazil when she got hurt and they will not be leaving until she gets her memory because “Your husband will kill me if he finds out about this and as my friend you would be obliged to kill him and the whole thing would go down into history books and I don’t want to be in history books like that.” 

They stared into each other's eyes for a while, sweat running down Sam’s face as a smirk played on Natasha’s. She hummed, putting her head in her hand, finger tapping her chin,  pretending to mull it over. 

“Hmmm? What do you mean hmmm??” 

“He is my husband, and I like to think we-” 

“Then don’t think! Trust me, you love to pull shit over him, it's your favorite pastime!” 

“Okay” She got up and left him to get dressed “But i think my other favorite is to keep you on your toes.” She calls from the other side of the closed bathroom door. He flops onto the bed, rubbing his face. Thank god the mission was originally planned for a week and radio silent. 

_

A day later the front office stopped Natasha and gave her an envelope. Said envelope found its way into her purse quicker than a snitch in those Harry Potter books she was working through for the eleventh time according to Sam.   

 When she found the room to be empty and void of said man, she plopped onto her bed and opened the letter. A love letter from a guy trying to be mysterious by going by S - how sweet! But she was married and the most faithful wife-who-can’t-even-remember-her-spouse’s-face there ever was!  But she wasn’t a mean woman either, plus it was so nicely written, clearly S loved her a lot. And she was going to love breaking that big heart of his, gotta set her foot down. 

 So she got to writing her own letter complete with a lipstick kiss on the letter’s bottom corner next to her N.

“Dear S, 

Fuck you, I’m married. 

With nothing but love, 

      N <3” 

Short and to the point, just how she liked it. Smiling to herself with a bounce in her step, she hands her response to the young girl at the front desk, thanked her and went back into the room to watch some Brazilian dramas. The letter from S tucked away in her bag, she was going to ask Sam about it  later when he got back with dinner. 

But dinner came and went and the letter was left forgotten under one of her bras. That was until two days later when Sam got a call on a flip phone. Well the phone in his bag did and like always he way out, so she did the friendly thing of answering it when she saw the unsaved number thinking it was spam. 

“Hello, this is Cathrine from Bed Baths and Beyond, how can I help you on this wonderful day?” 

The midwestern American accent came easily to her as she played with her hair with the phone held in place with her shoulder and cheek 

“Nat what’s going on?” She doesn’t know how she knows but that was Mysterious Mr. S on the other end of the line. 

“Who the fuck do you take me for mr S?? I am married and I’ll bet twenty bucks you’re not even half the man my husband is!” She fished the letter out of her bag “I mean seriously! ‘Words cannot even begin to describe how beautiful you are, Aphrodite cannot even hope to compare.’ “ She reads the line in a high pitched mocking town. “Did you read that from ‘Pickup lines so used and abused even their mothers won’t recognize them’? I wouldn’t be caught dead with a man who thinks that’s the hot shit.” 

  There was a pause and Natasha had to check that he didn’t hang up. 

“What - I’m your husband! Me! Steve Rogers am your spouse!” 

“Yeah okay buddy nice try.” 

“Where’s Sam?” 

“Who’s Sam?” 

“Natasha please don’t, where’s Sam?” 

“He’s at work, doing accountant stuff with the numbers and shit.” 

“Sam barely passed algebra, he hates math.” 

Just  as about to call him a staker, Sam the man walked in with food. 

“Got you some waffles!” He did his best Donkey impression at the word waffles as he closed the door behind him. When he turned back he dropped the food and basically tackled her like a linebacker or something to get to the phone. - Point is it hurt her bruised and battered body.  “Give that to me woman!” 

“No!” 

“What’s going on with you two??” -Steve 

“Yes!” 

“I don’t wanna!” 

“I’ll buy you ice cream!” 

They pause in their battle for the phone. 

“Chocolate?” 

“I’m not a heathen like your husband.” 

“I heard that!” - Steve 

She let go, hand up and palms out in surrender. Sam put the phone to his ear.

“Heyyy Steve, whatsup man?” Sam shoved his unused hand into his armpit as he started to walk the length of the room. Nodding to the food to tell Natasha to start eating, which she does. So she watched him talk while eating her waffles far more entertained than she would be watching a Brazilan show. 

“Why doesn’t my wife remember me?” 

“You have a wife? Wow, congrats man! Who’s the lucky lady?” 

“The one you let get amnesia apparently.” 

“Amnesia-what?” 

Steve sighed on the other end.

“She hurt in any other way?” 

Sam shared a glance with Natasha who had booth cheeks stuffed with waffles. 

“Not a scratch.” 

“You sit on a throne of lies.” Natasha hisses. “I have three broken ribs Mr. S!” 

“What! Thre-!” Steve is sooo going to kill Sam. 

“Oh wow don’t you look at that! Time’s out, gotta go! Bye Steve!” And with a snap of the phone, the yelling voice of an angry husband is cut off. Sam joined Natasha at the table and started to eat his waffles. 

“Is that really my husband?” She pointed her fork at the phone laying on one of the twin beds. Sam nods as he poured syrup over his waffles. “What was I thinking?” 

“To this day I still can’t figure it out.” 

[shittykawagirl97]

Phoenix (6/6)

Words: 3582

Pairing: Steve McGarrett/Danny Williams, Chin go Kelly/Malia Waincroft, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri

Summary: Malia's Funeral. Chin and Alyssa philosophically drink. Danny and Steve bickering.

⚠ Set during and after 3.02 ⚠

Funerals, whiskey, and tears.

Alyssa hated death.

She loathed it with all her heart, not because of death per se or the gigantic hole someone left in your life without knowing it, she hated death because of the consequences that it had on the living.

The loneliness, the sorrow, the tears, the cold, the heartache, the mental and emotional breakdown; Alyssa abhorred seeing the people she cared for in that kind of pain because she felt and saw it too many times. Any professional would have said it was kinda unhealthy, at that point.

Death was Alyssa's solo, steady, companion in her life and she despised it.

At the first funeral she attended, she was six and no one had to explain to her what had happened or what was happening. She knew that her Nonno Alberto wasn't sleeping in the casket and she felt like she would have never been able to talk to him ever again, but she was okay with that in a strange way.

She was sad, obviously, but after her mother and sister talked to her, she accepted that it was a fact that no one could change.

What had broken her into a pathetic whine was the devastation that she could see on her parents and sister's faces; she didn't want them to feel that way, she wanted them to smile, to laugh, to enjoy the food it was passed around, but she was six and she couldn't do anything to help.

That broke her spirit and her little heart.

In the mare eight years after, Alyssa attended other four family funerals. The last one, when she was fourteen, was her mother's.

For the first time, she didn't just saw the agony in her grannies' faces or her dad's or her sister's; Alyssa felt it, felt the voidness in her chest, the crack in her soul, the ultimate clusterfuck of emotion that her brain was, one moment she was crying for her loss and the next she was hysterically laughing.

Everyone was telling her to be strong. To be courageous. To be there for her dad, but she just wanted to disappear, to stop feeling, to lose herself into the void.

Everything was too much and she didn't know how to copy. The sun was too bright, the sorrow of the people gathered too fake, the emotions too troublesome and Alyssa just turned it all off.

It took hours, a panic attack at the thought of never being able to feel again, and a hurtful headshot with her cousin's forehead to evade the nothingness and being able to feel again. Years later she would have learned that she had her first emotional overload that day.

But death wasn't done with her.

Her mother's cousin, her mother's aunt, her two grannies, her father's aunt, all died before her twenty-second birthday.

Death wasn't a stranger to Alyssa but she now could handle the aftermath.

At least, that was what she thought before Danny's call.

It had been a long work night. She had just finished examining a young boy that was brought into ER at an hour where you can't tell if it is too late or too soon when her phone ringed. Danny's voice cracked when he told her about Malia's death.

Alyssa was so out of it that she breakdown in the middle of ER. The nurses had to take her phone and tell Danny to come, take her home. Her blond friends didn't leave her alone that night: he brought her to his home and tackle her on the couch, under soft sheets. Told her to wake him if there was anything she needed.

Alyssa the world became blurred after that.

Danny was always present. Showing up on her doorstep every time he could, bringing her something to eat or drink; they passed the hours sitting on her couch silently drinking their sorrow away. She knew Steve was away for a few days – this time the idiot told them – and when one afternoon Danny showed up with his brunette partner, she just buried herself in the hug that Steve was offering.

It was only a couple of hours later and a call away that Alyssa learned that Doris McGarrett was alive and being watched by Catherine, Steve's ex. That afternoon she learned that Danny had to thought for Grace once again, too.

It took Chin a couple of weeks to organize Malia's surfer funeral ceremony and he asked for her help. He knew how strongly tied Alyssa and Malia had become during the past year and it would be offensive to not include her in it.

They met at a twenty-four hours diner and set together almost all nights; they needed someone to talk to, to mourn and cry with. Someone that could understand the hole Malia left behind at a hundred per cent.

Sometimes Steve showed up, no words, just a cup of coffee and his presence - the worst nights his strong arm could have been found over Alyssa's shoulders. Other times Danny followed him and there were a lot of words included, but they were soft and warm. She found herself smiling softly at the couple more and more times alongside Chin.

And then the day came.

The sky was impeccably blue, no trace of clouds, and the sun could break a stone. Alyssa, wearing her most elegant black suit, was standing on the beach barefoot; in the water, a few meters away, Chin was releasing Malia's ashes. Her eyes were burning because of the tears but she stood rigid, head high, paying her silent respect to one of the best women she ever met in her life.

At her right, Danny was squeezing her forearm to remind her that she was not alone in that. Alyssa breathed shakingly and throw a rapid glance in his direction.

Danny's expression was contracted and his jaw was rigid, tightly closed; his eyes were dark and shiny, a little tear had escaped his left eye but he wouldn't wipe it away: one hand closed around her arm and the other was tightly buried into Steve's suit.

Steve, on the other side of the blonde, had an arm around his boyfriend's waist and was whispering things, trying to console the other man. For all the things that had happened in the last few days, Alyssa was really happy that at least these two were finally together.

Kono was at her left and had taken residence against Alyssa's shoulder, hold protectively by her arm; the woman hadn't yet won against the demons that were telling her that Malia's death was her fault and for that, she hadn't been able to be at his cousin's side in the water. Alyssa had promised Chin to keep an eye on her.

Behind them, a little distant, there were Adam and Cathrine.

Alyssa had yet to meet Kono's man but she knew was told that between him and Chin there wasn't a good relationship; that alone explained why, even though Adam wanted to be there for Kono, he was standing respectfully away. Everyone was pretending he wasn't there – no one wanted to witness a fistfight at a funeral – but now and then Kono would look back and waved a hand to tell him she was alright. Alyssa looked at him only a handful of times, their meeting every time and she nodded, just once, to tell him that his girlfriend was alright.

Cathrine was an entirely different story: she wanted to help Steve but stood back a little from them because she didn't know Malia personally and didn't want to intrude.

In the water, the surfers started shouting and splashing the water.

Malia was gone.

The wake had been good. A lot of people passed by for condolences and even more arrived armed with alcohol.

Alyssa, Kono, Danny, and Steve helped Chin in every way they can – from taking the food from a newly arrived woman to greetings people when Chin hid for a moment – but when their common friend would bench them because "I'm suffering not an invalid", Danny had an entire argument against that, they would find themselves in a corner of the room mourning and sharing stories about Malia.

Alyssa brought the glass to her lips and sipped the brown beverage. She wasn't a whiskey woman – rum, rum was her go-to for the sourest nights – but it was the strongest alcoholic drink that had been left around.

Not even two hours in and Five-0, minus Chin, was called away for a case. Alyssa found herself alone, with not a lot of booze left around: the Kelly-Kalakaua clan turned out to be composed of pro-drinker.

Snatching away a glass, and the last but already opened bottle of whiskey, she went outside and sat on the porch's steps. It was only two weeks and she already missed Malia as she would have missed a limb.

There was a huge void in her life, in her work, in her daily activity by now. It was said that you understood what you had after you had lost it; Alyssa always thought she had understood what she had in Malia – a coworker, a friend, a sister – and yet she felt like she had just lost a piece of who she was.

She felt desperation, rage, sadness, and numbness; she felt it all at once or nothing at all.

God! She felt precisely the same as at her mother's funeral. This time, though, she had booze to drown herself in.

Her phone vibrated again but she ignored Steve's text: the brunette wanted an update on her and Chin, every five minutes. Yeah, she was starting to understand why Danny was always in yelling mode.

She sipped again at the whiskey – no but seriously, why no one had brought rum? – and looked nowhere and everywhere.

«Are you okay?» Chin's voice asked her. Alyssa looked over and watched the man stumbled towards her and slumped (fell) next to her (almost on her). When had he become so drunk?

«Shouldn't be me to ask you that?» She retorted, settling him the best she could.

«Meh. I am good for now: the Okolehao helped». He raised his still full glass. «But you are not drunk, not speaking, and starting at nothing».

Alyssa smirked and sipped from her glass.

«What are you? A policeman?»

Chin's elbow found a new home in her left side. Hard. Ouch.

«I'm not so gone that I can't see you burying your emotion under your scary amount of sarcasm», he warned. «I had worked with Steve and Danny for over two years now, I am trained. And Malia complained about it. A lot. And loud enough».

Alyssa snorted. Gosh, that woman!

They settled in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

Chin knew that Alyssa was dangerously similar to Steve when it came to coping mechanisms: where his boss coped from trauma with an insane dose of recklessness, the woman used a foolish amount of sarcasm.

Just like Danny... A lot like Danny.

Chin looked at the dark-haired woman and couldn't stop himself from thinking that she was what Steve and Danny's child would have been like. Grace had saved herself from becoming that thank to Rachel.

«I thought I become good at managing it», Alyssa's voice brought Chin back to the present.

«Managing what?»

«Death, mourning... The void». She answered with a tight tone before dipping the whiskey, trying to force down the knot that was forming in her throat.

«Death is death, Lyss, there is no way around».

She snorted before drinking again. «Didn't I know that».

Chin cringed at her level of sarcasm. Malia, during a rare night spent on the couch with Netflix and ice cream, had confessed to him that she was preoccupied with her new co-worker's coping mechanism. Steve and Danny hadn't yet become her patients at that point.

The two women weren't even friends but, because Malia was the only one that Alyssa respect enough to not insult, their boss had asked Malia to talk to the younger woman. She had made a nurse cry that day, after blowing up for a stupid reason; Alyssa had probably been at her breaking point because she opened up to Malia the instant she asked her what was wrong. The unhealthy amount of sarcasm used during the explanation – it had been her mother's death anniversary – had left Malia on edge for the rest of the day.

«I'm sorry», Chin mumble apologetically.

Alyssa winced.

«God, Chin. No!» She exclaimed, passing a hand on her face. «Don't ever apologize for something like that. Your sorrow isn't less real than mine cause I had a lot of people taken from me! That is a very, very wrong idea to have!»

«And yet, you're undermining your own only because you attended more funerals than me!» He threw back at her. «Losing a loved one is never easy! Even after fifty damn funerals».

Alyssa shakingly breathed in and filled her now empty glass. She needed a lot more alcohol in her to be able to survive that discussion.

«Death touched me when I was a baby, Chin», she gulped down a good amount of the brown beverage, burning her throat. «I grew up with death breathing down my neck. Wherever I look there was death in a way or another. That scars you for life; the only way out of that ache is accepting.

Accepting that death is real. Death is everywhere, at any given moment, and we can't do shit about it. Life's meaning is death and that's it».

Chin watched her eyes puffing and reddening with unleashed tears, he drunk.

«I understand what you mean but I think you are wrong on two things».

«Enlight me, please», Alyssa's tone was sarcastic but her face was grim: she honestly grew up thinking that she hadn't any more rights to feel the loss of a loved one because she had lost too many.

Chin's heart strung at the revelation. He wanted to kill every idiot that made her feel that way and then protect her a lot more: she was a beautiful person, with a gigantic heart; she didn't deserve all the suffering she had been through.

«First», he choked out, «I think that we can do something about death. Yeah, we can't save anyone and death is the destination of everyone's life... But we can help to make their life a little bit longer and a little bit safer. I become a cop cause of that and you wouldn't be such a good doctor if you didn't think the same. At least, subconsciously».

«Second», his voice lower, careful and full of affection, «I think that death can help us understand life better. Can let us appreciate what we have a lot more, never giving someone for granted. I thought that I had the rest of my life to spend with Malia and I feel that I hadn't told her enough how much I love her».

Alyssa shook her head vigorously.

«Malia knew how much you loved her, Chin. She never questioned your seriousness or your resolve. She comprehended how much you were giving her and she worshipped it.

«Never, ever guilt yourself with her death. Please, please, believe me when I tell you that Malia loved you with every inch of herself, despite knowing that one day you could have died in action or that your work could have followed you home. She knew what she was going up to and she never regretted any of that. That was the kind of love she was willing to give you and the kind of love she knew you were giving her every single second of your life».

Chin sipped from his glass and closed his eyes, trying to contain his tears but losing miserably when one ran down his sharp cheekbone. He didn't even try to wipe it away, too tired.

«I wasn't the only one she loved, Lyss», he remarked. «She thought of you as the little sister she never had. She cared about you as much as you cared for her. Yeah, maybe you didn't know her for long, but you have the same rights as me to be upset. To be angry. To be sad.

«She was your friend and you can be broken because of her death. No matter how many people you lose or how many funerals you attended».

Alyssa felt her eyes stung like bitches and didn't fight the tears or the emotional breakdown. She sobbed loudly, hiding her face with her free hand, letting herself honestly mourning her best friend for the first time since she had been told she had died.

Suddenly, a weight was left from her shoulders, and Chin was there to keep her together. She didn't know what he had done to deserve such good friends but she was thankful for them all.

Chin embraced her for what felt like forever, encouraging her to let go of everything, before the sobs subsided and she stopped crying. They stayed like that – her head on his shoulder and his arm around her shoulders – a little more afterwards, just to know that they were not alone.

The only sound was the neverending buzz of her phone.

«Are you going to respond to Steve's text?» Chin asked after the umpteenth notification.

«Nope, he should learn a little bit of patience». Alyssa responded truthfully. «And I am enjoying my mental picture of Danny bitching at him at every new text».

Chin snorted.

«I think you forget who you are talking about in that bottle of whiskey you stole».

Alyssa scuffed and admitted to herself that she was starting to feel a little tipsy; it was a good feeling. For the first time in days, she felt the void inside her subsided a little bit.

«He has a job to do and he should stay focus on it», she smirked. «We have alcohol to keep us at bay and each other, obviously, because misery loves company».

The dark-haired man laughed at that.

«You would have been right if you were talking about anyone else, but you talking about Steve McGarrett here. He will terrify someone for life just to being able to return here immediately and smother us with worries. If you think that Danny will not partner up with him on this, I will say you drunk too much».

The woman rolled her eyes and was ready to retort that yes, Steve and Danny were practically insane and unstoppable when worried for their ohana but this was different because they knew where they were; when the rumble of an engine tore the quiet air in half and suddenly a silver Camaro was stopping in front of Chin's house with a dangerous screech.

The car went silent a moment after and the first thing the two cuddling friends heard was Danny's scared-pitched ranting. Immediately, they couldn't understand the single words – obstructed by the car door – but then Steve swiftly got out of the vehicle and Danny followed him.

«I was screaming for my life you Neandertal animal!» He was wailing, waving his hands everywhere after closing the car door. «You went up to the red zone of the speedo and never come down! You are officially insane and I should have dragged you to a psychiatrist some time like yesterday!»

«I was preoccupied!» Steve ranted back, now at Danny's side with an I-can't–understand–why-are-you-shouting-at-me face. «She isn't answering her phone! Everything could have happened!».

Danny made a large and circular gesture with his hand and ended up indicating Chin and Alyssa.

«They are drunk, you shmuck! They are at a wake, they are grieving the loss of a very special woman in their life, they are crying, and they are drinking an unhealthy amount of alcohol! Just look at them, they are fine!»

Steve let his gaze follow Danny's hands and he finally noticed that the sources of his concerns, cuddling on the front step of Chin's house. Their glasses were half empty, the whiskey in the bottle was dangerously close to the bottom, and their cheeks were stained with dried tears.

No dangerous whatsoever.

He felt his face flush and shyly waved a hand in their direction.

Alyssa laughed out loud at that because, yeah, Chin was right and she had forgotten who Steve was: a closet mother hen. Hell, if she didn't love him for that.

Chin joined in her laugh and she caught the shitty smut grin that Danny was giving his boyfriend.

Alyssa felt alive and at home. She felt secure like she could be herself even in the worst moment of all with her Ohana around.

She hadn't to hide her sadness and sorrow anymore because now she had insane, lovely people that would help through all of it.

Part (1/2/3/4/5/6)

[golden-deer-dear]

How to Say ‘I Love You’ When the Word is Not Enough, Claude x Byleth Fluff Fic (art inspired)

Summary: Claude never had someone touch him before with any sort of affection, so when Byleth does just that, it is a completely new experience for him. Or, five times Claude is touch starved, and one time Byleth returns the sentiment.

Notes: Does anyone remember the 5 times (sometimes +1) fics that were really popular years ago? I miss those. Let's bring those back.

Anyways, this entire fic is a gift to @julls because their art gives me life. Hope you like it!

Scene 1 Scene 2 Scene 3 Scene 4 Scene 5 Scene 6

How to Say ‘I Love You’ When the Word is Not Enough

Their first kiss was honey on a sore throat. It soothed a pain Claude had long tried to hide. But there in her arms, with every ounce of love he was capable of being poured onto her soft lips, it was as if a dam burst inside his soul. He wanted her close, wanted to hold her in his arms forever, and just feel her warmth against him.

It was amazing, strange and overwhelming, something his brain raced to process. Claude had never held anyone like this before. He honestly could not remember anyone ever touching him with any sort of affection at a previous point in his life, save for when his mother touched his cheek and told him to watch his back before he left for Fódlan. This was different. This was something that did not fit into any scheme, but this was Teach after all. She had a habit of throwing him off kilter. 

And it all hurt so much because he knew he would have to let her go. Byleth would leave the warmth of his embrace and go rule a newly united Fódlan. He would have to leave the softness of her lips to return to Almyra and deal with the crown. Even with her lips still on his, the thought made Claude’s heart ache so much for a brief moment he considered forgetting his plans altogether.

They broke apart just long enough to catch their breath, lips lingering close to one another. Claude knew he should go, but he wasn’t strong enough. He craved her touch as if it gave him life itself. And so he dove back in.

This kiss was not as frantic as their first, but no less desperate. Claude’s fingers curled against her back, one hand upon her waist, the other caress the line of her shoulder blade, as he tried to bring her closer despite their bodies already being flush against one another. He felt Byleth’s arm move, her sword calloused fingers brushing against his neck as she reached for his hair, ideally flipping the ends of the soft strains between those talented fingers. 

Claude cursed inside his own head, again unsure how to process such a small gesture with so much weight behind it. Stars above and earth below, but he loved her so much his heart hurt. 

He pulled back, forcing himself not to rest his forehead against hers. He would never be able to leave at this rate. Instead, he settled for a smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling with joy when it was returned. Byleth’s cheeks were dusted pink, her lips sweetly kiss bruised. She was everything he wanted, and so much more than he deserved. 

“I never thought I could love someone so much that not being close to you tears my heart apart,” Claude whispered, stopping just short of leaning in for another kiss.

Byleth’s face creased in confusion. “I’m not sure how we could be much closer right now.”

“Oh, I can think of a few ways.” Claude laughed at his own joke, a slightly strangled quality to the sound, raising his brows a few times even as Byleth rolled her eyes at him. He was a moron. Best not to think of that right now. It was extremely dangerous territory. He really would never leave if they gave in and were intimate right now. “But we only have a few minutes. And thinking about not being near you, of being unable to hold you like this…” He trailed off in his explanation, unable to describe the ache in his chest. 

Byleth stood on tiptoe to kiss him again, quick and reassuring, too fast for him to drown in her again. “Then don’t think about it,” she said as if it were the most logical thing in the world. “Not for the few minutes we have. And after that, just think of what it will feel like when I get to hold you like this again.”

Claude pulled her as close as he could, burying his face against her neck. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

A few more minutes he would gladly indulge in.

And after that, a lifetime.

/

“Take this to Shamir. She’ll know what to do with it,” Byleth ordered. The soldier nodded and turned on her heel, leaving the room quickly to fulfill his orders. 

And that left them alone. Claude flipped his quill back and forth between two fingers, uncaring of the ink he was splattering onto his desk. He chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to resist the sight of his wife dressed in light cotton, her black shirt hanging off her shoulders and hugging every curve. The sun shone on her through the large windows, creating a lovely picture that reminded Claude just why he liked summer so much. But no, in this case he was weak, and he very much wanted his arms around her. 

Claude pushed his chair back, standing and rapidly crossing the room to his wife’s side. Byleth blinked at him, her mouth opened to ask a question, only for it to turn into a laugh as Claude slid behind her and wrapped his arms around her. 

“Claude, we still have work to do,” Byleth pointed out even as she relaxed against him. 

Claude hummed softly, nuzzling against her cheek. “We can take a quick break.”

“Claude, your stubble tickles,” Byleth chastised, her voice so light Claude could easily picture the mirth in her eyes. 

“Does it?” Claude practically purred. Byleth stiffened in his arms briefly, hearing the hint of a scheme forming in Claude’s own laughing tone. But she did not fight as he walked them backwards to a lounge, sinking onto it while pulling Byleth down with him. He curled around her like a cat, arms still slung over her shoulders and legs propped up around her, as he settled them comfortably against the plush cushions. 

He nuzzled at her cheek again, rubbing more of his beard against her cheek. “How about that then?”

Byleth squirmed in Claude’s grasp, trying to turn in his arms so she could face him. Claude held her in place, not even close to done with his teasing. He moved down, rubbing against her neck and shoulders. His fingers played at her sides, causing Byleth to let loose a squeak as she squirmed harder. Claude grinned widely, loving that he had pulled that sound from her. He was certain he was the only one who knew Byleth was ticklish, and it was a secret he guarded jealously.

“Claude!” Byleth laughed, that light carefree sound she made more and more often whenever she was alone with him. “Stop!”

He gave one more last nuzzle against her cheek, smirking as she shuddered in his arms. “If I must,” Claude pouted.

Byleth was finally able to turn in his embrace, placing a quick kiss against his lips to steal away his frown. “Now, about this break…” Byleth trailed off, cuddling against Claude’s chest as she closed her eyes. “It sounds like a good idea.”

“Those are the only kinds of ideas I have, my love,” Claude pointed out before kissing the top of her head. 

“Shhh.” Byleth lifted her hand to place a finger against his lips. “Nap now.”

Getting a moment to hold her uninterrupted? Yeah, there was no way he was going to argue with that. She was beside him, resting against his chest, making his heart light and his thoughts carefree.

/

Claude reluctantly lifted his head from his place between his wife’s legs, smirking at the noise of annoyance she made as he left. But he was certain he had heard something else beside his wife’s moans as he pleasured her with his tongue. 

Byleth glared up at him, but Claude tilted his head to the side, listening once more for the voices he heard before. Sure enough, coming closer to them were five...no, make that six knights if he was reading the sounds of their shoes crunching against the gravel pathway correctly. He picked out Cathrine’s voice, although that wasn’t too hard since she was louder than the rest of them put together. Thankfully they were hidden by a row of rose bushes. So long as they were quiet, no one would even know they were here.

He knew the moment Byleth heard them as well by the way her eyes widened. She stared up at him with a spark of horror. It was one thing for everyone to know the new king and queen enjoyed a healthy sex life, but it was another thing altogether to be caught in the act itself. Especially if Cathrine was the one to do the catching. And oh, there rose another voice that made the situation so much worse. 

Seteth.

Honestly, Claude did not really care if they were caught or not. He would laugh off Seteth outraged lecture, stealing Byleth away to finish up what they started. Byleth, however, would not enjoy it. She would not be mortified by any means, Byleth didn’t do mortified, but she would be upset. She had grown so much since coming to the monastery, more so after their marriage. He loved being able to read her, but would hate to see her truly upset. Better just to avoid it overall.

But on the other hand…

Claude missed the feel of her. Byleth was lying on the garden grass beneath him, her legs on either side of him, but not touching him. He wanted her, needed her like he needed air in his lungs. He couldn’t help himself. 

Byleth’s eyes grew a fraction wider as Claude gripped her leg, but she offered no resistance as he guided her limb up. He hooked her knee over his shoulder, eyes greedily taking in the display before him. 

Claude raised a finger to his lips, eyes glittering with mischief.  “Shh,” he whispered. Oh yes, this was much more enjoyable than simply waiting for the others to pass.

Byleth slapped a hand over her mouth, trying to regulate her breathing as Claude lined himself up with her. Her eyes fell shut, her head tipping back as her back arched, when Claude slowly pushed himself into her. He bit his lip to stifle his own moan, but found it quite easy to keep quiet. If he was loud now their fun would end. 

For her part, Byleth brought her other hand to her mouth as well, using both to cover the sounds that were desperate to escape from her. Claude really wasn’t helping when he pulled out only to slowly thrust into her again. He could feel her foot move against his back, flexing as he moved within her, channeling the expressions she could not currently put into words. 

Claude bent forward, placing both hands on either side of Byleth’s head. The motion forced Byleth’s leg further up, causing Claude to thrust into her at a different angle. Byleth shuddered beneath him, her moans audible even through the hands still covering her mouth. She squeezed him as if she never wanted their bodies to be parted. Claude fell forward, burying his face against her neck, busying his lips with kisses along her skin to distract himself from the sounds fighting to escape from his own throat. 

And then Byleth’s body went taut. Her hands dropped away as a heavy sigh went through her, unable to hide the noise from the world. Thankfully, Cathrine choose that moment to laugh at something one of the other knights said, completely covering any noise Byleth made. Claude held himself still, one of the most difficult things he had ever had to do, as Byleth unraveled around him. He watched as she came down, joy shooting into his heart like an arrow as she instinctively reached out for him.

The sound of gravel crunching from the other side of the rose bushes alerted Claude that the knights were finally moving on, none the wiser to their rulers’ presence. 

Or so he thought until someone cleared her throat right next to them. “Might want to wrap it up,” Shamir said softly. “Seteth is looking for the two of you.”

Claude shared a look with Byleth, who blinked up at him. He couldn’t help it. He laughed loudly, wrapping himself around Byleth until she joined him.

“Stars above,” he whispered in her ear, “I love you.”

/

“Byleth!”

His wife stopped and turned, a smile more radiant than the sun gracing her lips when she saw him coming toward her. There was so much love in Byleth’s eyes Claude wasn’t sure exactly what to do with it all except try and love her back just as much. 

Byleth waited for him, leaning into his side as Claude threw an arm around her shoulders. “Care to join me for a cozy morning stroll?” she asked. 

“I cannot think of anything I want to do more.”

“Oh?” she said in a teasing tone Claude recognized all too well. It was the same tone he used when he was about to tease her. “Are you sure? We are headed toward the gardens after all.”

Claude quirked an eyebrow even as he smirked at her. “Was that an invite?”

Pink sprang up in Byleth’s cheeks as Claude pressed himself closer, but she held his gaze without issue. “Unfortunately I’m expected at a meeting with Seteth and Judith soon. But I have enough time that I don’t have to hurry, so long as I am actually headed that way,” she was quick to add the last part when Claude’s tongue poked out to lick his lips, mischief flashing in his eyes. 

“Ah well, an actual stroll is enjoyable too.” 

Byleth smile was small and barely there. Those who were not close to her probably wouldn’t even notice it. But her eyes, those beautiful mint green eyes, shone. She looked at him, and Claude could swear he saw stars, even though the sun was already blazing summer heat into the early morning. She kept herself at his side, craving his touch as much as he craved hers. 

It had taken Claude a while to understand that Byleth loved him as much as he loved her. It wasn’t that he doubted her. He just found it difficult to wrap his head around the idea that someone cared for him that much. Byleth wanted him near, did not find it at all annoying when he clung to her. She clung to him just as much. Somewhere, somehow, Claude had come to accept that Byleth had helped him find his heart.

The crest stone inside Byleth’s chest may have kept her heart from beating, but Claude knew how much love she was capable of. It was what made his own beat to her steady rhythm. 

/

Their breathing echoed off the walls of their bedroom, heavy after their recent activities. Claude’s hand curled over the top of Byleth’s head, tangling his fingers in her hair. “I always forget how small you are,” Claude murmured as he leaned over his wife, his bare chest brushing against her own. 

Byleth laid a hand over his heart, the metal of her engagement ring cool upon his hot flesh. She tilted her head up, lips begging for a kiss. She hummed a non committal sound as she opened her mouth. It was a lazy motion, made without any thought other than a desire for her lover. 

Claude could not deny her, knew he would never be able to do so, and accepted it gladly. He leaned in for the kiss Byleth was so eagerly asking for, teeth nibbling at her lower lip. Byleth hummed again against his lips, expressing her approval as she always did through little sounds that were for his ears alone.

She was smiling at him when he pulled away, staying close enough that their lips still brushed each other when she spoke, her top lip catching against his. “What was that about me being small?”

“You are small,” Claude repeated. “My small, precious wife. Light of my life and goddess of my heart.”

“You don’t believe in the goddess,” Byleth pointed out. She raised one finger to caress against his neck, the softest of touches to a spot she knew made him shiver. He could not help the reaction that ran through his body at that simple touch. She knew exactly how to play him.

“But I believe in you,” Claude answered, nipping at her lips again.

Her smile grew, her eyes still hazy with the afterglow of her orgasm. “Oooh, good answer, lover boy.” Byleth’s finger twitched against his Adam’s apple, forcing another shiver through Claude’s body. 

She was certainly proud of herself for that one, if the laughter in her eyes was anything to go by. He loved that look on her, that unbridled joy she no longer hid behind a stoic mask. And he was the one who put it there. This was happiness, laying here with the woman he loved, her body pressed close to him, as they lingered in the afterglow of their lovemaking. How did one simple word manage to capture all that he was feeling in his heart?

“You’ve become quite expressive, haven’t you?” he whispered, his nose brushing against hers. He did it again a couple more times, knowing that it was a super cheesy move, and not really caring. It just felt good to touch and explore all of her.

Byleth blinked, the smile disappearing for a moment as she thought over Claude’s words. “I suppose I have. You taught me how to feel after all.”

Claude’s world came to a screeching halt. That was certainly more of an answer than he was expecting. It was too much. He flopped on his side, keeping himself pressed against Byleth as much as possible while removing his body weight before he could crush her, and buried his face against her neck. 

“Are you blushing?” Byleth asked, although he was certain he could feel how hot his face was against her shoulder. She turned her head, kissing the top of his head with a smile on her lips.

“Leave me alone,” Claude mumbled even as he nuzzled against her neck, trying to hide himself more. 

“Never,” Byleth promised.

And Claude, the very embodiment of mistrust, believed her.

/

Byleth threw a pair of socks at her husband, watching as he blinked up at her in surprise. “What are these for?”

“The floor is cold,” Byleth said simply. “I know you hate the cold.”

On their rare day off, Byleth had taken a nap, only to wake up to quite a shock when her feet hit the floor. A cold front had swept in, the first hint of autumn, making the stone tiles of the monastery chill to the touch. And there was Claude, sitting upon a lounge on the opposite side of the room, surrounded by puffy pillows as he read (it had better not be reports, not on their day off, or else there would be a talk later). He was wearing a simple shirt and pants, the shirt cut with a deep v to reveal his chest. But his feet were bare. He would be upset when he stood up and made the same discovery she had. 

Claude blinked again before a smile crossed his face. He set aside his book and picked up the socks, slipping them on and wiggling his toes at her. “Thanks, By.” 

He blinked again, the smile fading as Byleth continued to stare at him. “By? You okay?”

“You think there’s enough room on there for me too?” she asked. Of course there was, they had sat together on that lounge hundreds of times before. 

But Claude knew what she was really asking. His smile returned as he spread his legs wider, opening his arms in invitation. “For you, always.”

Byleth happily slid onto Claude’s lap, wrapping her arms around his neck as she laid her head on top of his. Claude helped her pull her legs up, one hand staying upon her thigh as she relaxed against him. His other arm wrapped around her waist, fingers tapping against her hip.

Yes, this, this was what she wanted. Every time Claude held her she knew, without him having to say a word, how much he loved her. He’d told her before how much she affected his heart, usually stumbling over the lines or blushing profusely afterwards, but he at least managed to put those feelings into words. 

She always struggled with that. Sometimes she could answer him with her own feelings, but starting the conversation herself was difficult. So she clung to him, hoping every emotion she felt could be conveyed through contact. 

How did she tell him? How did she tell him how grateful she was that he was always on her side? That he believed in her even when others did not? He made her heart feel like it could skip a beat it did not take whenever he stole away her breath. He was her grounding force, as much as she was the stars in the sky for him. She ached when he was away. She ached when he was near, in a completely different way. Both ways were confusing, but nothing she would ever willingly give up. 

“Claude,” she whispered, nuzzling her nose into his hair and breathing deeply the scent of pine and cinnamon. “Your embrace soothes my soul.”

She could picture Claude blinking his surprise again as a moment of silence passed. “Wow By, that was really elegant.”

“Oh hush,” Byleth chastised without putting any force behind her words. Heat rushed to her face, and she knew her cheeks were the deep red that Claude enjoyed seeing so much. “I love you.”

“I love you too, By,” Claude answered easily. He tilted his head back, begging for a kiss which Byleth eagerly gave. It was short and sweet, the easiest way to convey love with more than the word that seemed so inadequate to capture everything he did to her heart. 

But that was fine. Because Claude knew, and that was all that mattered. His touch made her heart feel whole.

Being wrapped in his embrace was all that she would ever need.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Personal headcanons that made an appearance if anyone is interested:

1. Byleth is ticklish, but doesn't realize it until the first time she's with her so. 2. Claude smells like pine needles and cinnamon because of the tea he drinks with Byleth. 3. Instead of swearing on the goddess, Claude says things like 'stars above' or other nature related curses.

[carrietrekkie]

The joy and burden of a Captain.

Back on the Enterprise a lot of work awaits Captain Pike and in a quiet moment some heavy thoughts came to his mind leading to a decision long awaits.

So, some last foreplay before I tortured you all enough. I always wonder what Captains do beside being, well Captains, The boring stuff, if you want so.

I hope you enjoy it and leave me a little fb, if you don´t mind. ;)

@bold-brave-courageous @allthetrek @reeselivesforeverinmyheart

"Good morning Captain Pike." Chris struggled to keep his eyes as awake as expected before stepping out the door of his quarters. "Connor, good morning." He nodded to his young Yeoman, who unfortunately took this as a sign to get started right away. "I'm sorry, I know I'm early." From somewhere he conjured a coffee mug out and Pike could just pull himself together, not look too excited. In the end this was getting a habit.

"Thanks." He took a long sip, then nodded that he could go on. "Well, I'm all ears." "After an appeal on the bridge, you are expected at various stations throughout the ship." Connor handed him a PADD. "I've scheduled about forty-five minutes per department, Chief Louvier and Dr. Boyd have been given an hour, further provided inspections of the shuttle hangar and the storerooms." Pike gave a noisy breath, but Connor either didn´t hear it or ignored it. "After the break, you have several conversations with crew members, interrupted by one or the other request from other captains and the high command." Even as he flew over the endless list, he could see that the Yeoman had forgotten something. "Connor did you think about that I have to sleep?" He looked at him. "Or eat, apart from other vital functions." "Sorry Sir, that's already the slimmed-down version." Connor called the turbolift and grinned at him. "And that works only if nothing unexpected comes in between." "Great." He had known it had been a mistake to ask him to do the paperwork before arriving on Earth, but he had not expected that. They entered the elevator. "Bridge." Pike took another sip. "Is there anything new about Discovery?"

 "They have safely reached the volcan and your recommendation to the High Command has been received." "Keep me up to date." "Yes Sir." Connor tapped something in another tray. "Number One awaits you in the ready room." "Right." He had forgotten that, or rather repressed it. "Thanks Connor." "Sir." They left the turbolift. "Captain on the bridge!" "Keep going." Pike gave a smile. "Good morning together." "Good morning Sir."

Instead of the command chair, he headed straight for the ready room and would have liked to turn back on the threshold.

"Don´t even think about it." Una waved him over. "If you don´t fight back, it didn´t take five minutes." "Cannot you do that for me?" He dropped into his desk chair. "I have not had breakfast yet." "Nice try." She pointed to the conference table, there was a small breakfast and reluctantly he got up and grabbed something from the tray. "All right." He leaned against the table. "I am listening."

"The guests have all agreed, all in all there are just over 500 guests." "That's a joke?" He raised his eyebrows. "I'm afraid not. One-third of our crew changes and I couldn´t cancel the command level. " "Not?" He began peeling an orange. "Not me." She smiled widely. "We had agreed on steak and fish, that’s an okay, the desserts I could narrow down to three, the fireworks arranged, I just need your music selection." Before he could say anything, she built herself up in front of him, with a piece of cloth in each hand. "What's now?"

"Blue or gray?" She looked at her hand. "Actually it's anthracite but you know what I mean." "If I knew what you meant, I would do it myself." "The gray is more restrained, but the blue fits better with the gala uniforms." "Blue." He picked up the gray pattern. "Honestly, that looks sad." "Was the election of Captain Esposito last month." Una wrinkled her nose as well. "But what he thought." "Thanks Una." "No cause." She packed again. "Eat 'em up, you have to leave immediately." He followed her advice, then grabbed his PADD and started walking.

*****

Four hours later, he wondered if he had lost his mind completely. As if he hadn´t had enough to do, crewmembers had been constantly talking to him. At some point after Louvier's lecture, his brain had disengaged and now he was doing his best at least as if he could follow Boyd.

"Oh yes, the plague broke out in the engine room, but don´t worry, we'll just open the airlock, then the problem will resolve itself." "Mmh?" Chris looked up. "I beg your pardon?" "Since when you have not been paying attention?" Phil Boyd grinned at him. "Um." He straightened and rubbed his face. "You were talking about a pregnancy, Lieutenant Fraser?" "Yeah, about thirty minutes ago." The doctor's eyes narrowed. "Chris, I don´t think that was a good idea to squeeze the paperwork of two months in two days."

"If I don´t do it now, it keeps building up and it will not get any less." "Good if you want it that way." He stood up. "The crew is healthy, fertile and a bit over the top. It really doesn´t get any shorter. " "Very nice, I can live with that." Chris also got up. "Then I will try now." He looked at his PADD. "Wow, the twenty minute break Connor allows me, to make good use of." "This is called break, you will do nothing except eat and take a few minutes rest." "Of course, rest. There's no end here. " "There shouldn´t be much going on the recreational deck." Boyd was just waving someone over. "Alright, it cannot get any worse." As fast as he could, he left the infirmary, took the turbolift, and found himself on the extremely quiet deck a few seconds later. He stopped and took a deep breath, then slowly started walking. "Oh God."

Out of the corner of his eye he saw something blue pass by and he pushed himself against the wall. He didn´t manage another conversation now. Carefully, he squinted for the ledge behind which he was hiding, but the corridor was empty. Just as he wanted to move on, someone came around the corner. Immediately he relaxed when he saw who was buzzing around here.

Cathrin looked at the PADD that she held in her hand. She wore a blue uniform dress, her hair tied in a high ponytail, and she was just beginning to play with a strand in it. He had never seen her in one of these dresses, he thought it looked adorable on her. He had missed her since they left Discovery, he hadn´t seen her since that. Dr. Boyd had told him that she was getting along and it was even more frustrating that his chief physician had told him that.

 He reproached himself for letting her hang in the air, after all, it was him who had asked her to come with him. A profoundly selfish request, as he had to admit, but the thought of leaving her on Discovery, without even knowing when and if he would see her again, had not let him sleep, and almost made him wish that Enterprise would blow a few more fuses. Cathrin looked up and he stepped back briefly, then he looked around the corner and followed her as she walked on, looking around, that she really missed nothing. It was quiet and he adjusted the pace of her footsteps, letting his mind wander for a moment, and they walked back to the evening when his life was almost over. He remembered standing in his dark quarters, feeling the walls crushing him and the silence swallowing him. Tired, he had slumped on the couch and apparently fell asleep, because when it rang he drove up. The nap had not helped, he was not feeling better. His hands shook, he was cold, and he felt as distracted as he had not felt in a long time. He wondered who might want something from him, he had requested that he shouldn´t be disturbed until Burnham and her team got the shuttle and suit ready.

There was a soft knock on the door, so it was clear to him who it had to be. This little gesture allowed only one conclusion. He got up, took a deep breath, then walked to the door. A movement of his hand opened it and there she stood.

"Cathrin." "Can I come in?" She had her hands in front of each other, hopefully she looked at him. Even if he had intended to dismiss her, at least now it would have been over with this purpose. He invited her in, the doors closed behind her and they were alone. "That was not very nice." She smiled at him, but there was a certain melancholy that he didn´t know in her eyes. "I'm sorry." He just let her down when he came back from Boreth. He had been surprised that she had even been waiting for him, but he had hardly noticed her.

"What happened down there Chris?" "Cathrin, I appreciate what you are trying to do here." He hesitated for a moment, then put his hands on her shoulders, even through her uniform he could feel the warmth that emanated from her. "But I cannot talk about it. I cannot." But how would he have liked to, shared these thoughts with someone before they completely pulled him into the abyss. "Then I'll talk." She lifted her head a bit. "I think I know what you saw. You saw what I told you."

Pike swallowed lightly, of course, he could have figured that out himself, she was the only one who could understand it in any way. He slid his hands down her arms and closed his hands around hers. "But I think I never saw it the way you did down there."

Her gentle voice echoed in his ears, breaking through the barriers he hoped would protect him. Cathrin's thumb stroked the back of his hand. "I can only guess how you experienced it, but I think the crystal showed you your future." Chris closed his eyes as she continued. "He showed you how to land where I saw you, and as I know you, you don´t intend to counter this fate." "I cannot." Now he looked at her again, trying to sort of save his composure somehow. "When I took the crystal, I sealed my fate with it. My life given for all in the universe. I have accepted this fate and I will endure it. " A tear ran down her cheek and when she blinked, he felt like he couldn´t bare it anymore. How all that had happened in the last hours took its toll. He began to tremble, felt his throat tighten and began to breathe hectically. "Oh hey, breathe quietly."

Chris stumbled on Cathrin, she released his hands and wrapped her arms around him, but she didn´t have the strength to hold him, she dropped to her knees as he tore her down with him. The tears that he had been able to hold back, now found the way out of his eyes, he felt it as a release, as if they were taking something that he couldn´t pronounce. Her hand stroked the back of his head, the other held him tight and prevented him from collapsing. "You don´t have to do this alone." Cathrin had her cheek against his head. She herself had always been just a spectator, but he had had to experience his future, had immediately realized the implications of his decision, and yet he would meet them again and again. He couldn´t help it, because this was him, these were the things that made him.

 "That will not happen tomorrow. It will take a decade, maybe longer. "He raised his head and looked at her. Chris admired her for always having hope, even after all she had experienced. Again Cathrin looked at him with that look he had been able to die for since the first second. "Come on."

She somehow got to her feet, grabbed his hand and helped him up off the floor. Carefully she pushed him into his bedroom and put him on his bed. "You need to rest a little. It'll be hours before the suit is ready. " Then she raised her hand and stroked his hair, he closed his eyes, he would remember this and the following forever.

"You can make those years your best." "And yet, my time is limited." He saw her look up, a feeble attempt to stop herself from crying, an unsuccessful one at that. As she blinked, tears ran down her cheeks. He didn´t want her to cry, especially not because of him. That was more than he could bear now. "Mine too." She sat down next to him and took his hand. "Everyone has limited time here, that's what life is about and the future is not set in stone."

"This one is." Chris looked up from their hands at her face. There was so much confidence in her eyes, so much hope, and he saw the future he could have had, but how could he have that expected from her? Where he still knew where it would lead inevitably. "Sleep Chris." She pushed him cautiously into his pillow, then she stood up and covered him. Just when he would ask her not to leave, he noticed his bed moving and shortly thereafter he felt her arms around him and her cuddled against his back. He took a deep breath, then put his hands around her forearm. "Thank you Cathrin."

Her answer was a kiss she breathed on the back of his neck, so softly that he didn´t know if he had just imagined it. But her lips on his skin, even for those few seconds, gave him more strength than he ever thought to be possible, and then he realized he couldn´t leave her behind.

She was still there when he was awakened by the alarm from the bridge. She had covered herself with his jacket, lying next to him, her hand on his arm. Since that moment he had known. He had felt it so often but when he saw her that way, he knew it. He needed her on his side. And so he had asked her shortly after that to leave the Discovery. He asked her to leave behind all her friends, everyone she knew, and he remembered just how big the fear was that she could say no and the seconds until she finally agreed seemed endless. Now she was here, strolling contentedly through the Enterprise corridors, once again making it clear to him that he finally had to make the first step.

[forever-more-never-again]

Invisible Bruises

I wrote this expecting it to be a short drabble but then I got carried away, seems to be a trend in my writings. oops. Angst to start but it ends in fluff.

Avengers X Reader

Warnings: Depicts a mental and physically abusive relationship and unwanted pregnancy. Swearing and name calling

Word Count ~ 2500 words

a/n: Please know that people love you and are here to help through any rough patches

“Don’t.”

The single word, spoken with such disdain froze me. My arms outstretched to grab the arm of my boyfriend. Now Ex-boyfriend.

“What...I mean, Why? Eric...I thought you were happy with me?” I knew my voice was plaintive, quiet.

Eric turned to look at me over his shoulder, door to our shared apartment open, bags packed and held in his hands. “You were never enough woman for me [Y/n]. Always whining, always crying. And you’re a slut to. You don’t think I know what happens in that tower when you go on your supposed ‘mission’?”

Tears were streaming down my face, though I barely noticed. Eric’s words pierced me deep. What he was saying was nothing new, but before he would only say them if he was drunk. He would always apologize the next morning, saying that he loved me. That he would never hurt me on purpose. And yet here he was, sober, leaving me.

“Eric, that’s not true!” I cried out as he sighed and started walking out the door, before he could shut the door, I stopped it with my foot, “Eric! I’m pregnant!” I had planned on telling him that night over dinner. I had gone to the doctors the other night for a checkup since I had been throwing up a lot and he told me the news. I was so excited to tell Eric that he was going to be a father, It didn’t matter that we weren’t married, we were in love. Or so I thought.

“God. Do you even know the father you whore?”

I fell to my knees, Eric’s cold gaze on my mascara streaked face. I whispered, Barely getting the words past the lump in my throat, “It’s yours Eric.”

Eric was silent for a moment, and then he brought his knee up and kicked me in the stomach. I cried out, falling over to my side. He leaned down and viscously grabbed my chin, “I don’t care what you do with it, but I never want to see you or that bastard child you say you carry ever again.”

He thrust my head out of his grip, turned, and walked out of my life.

I crawled back into my apartment, closing the door, I stayed sitting against the door, sobbing. I didn’t know what to do and I felt so weak. And that made me angry. I was an Avenger for crying out loud! The best marksman with a weapon, rivaling Clint but while he worked with arrows, I could master any weapon and hit my mark no matter the situation.

I rubbed my hands over the tiny bump in my stomach, the doctor had told me I was almost two months. “What are we gonna do little one?”

I stared into the quiet apartment. I knew one thing, I couldn’t stay here. I packed my things, leaving behind any memory of Eric. I went down to the landlord and cancelled my lease, leaving all the fines and bills to Eric who had ordered me to make him the primary on the lease.

I grabbed a taxi and gave them the address to the Avengers tower. I didn’t know how I was going to face my teammates. I knew they didn’t like Eric. I hid the bruises from the drunken fights. I didn’t want them to get upset or try to go after Eric. But I had nowhere else to go. No family or friends. My family and friends was the Avengers.

Finally, the taxi pulled up in front of the tower, I thanked the driver before grabbing my bags and stepping out. I adjusted my sweatshirt, trying to hide the bruises and hint of pregnancy.  

Taking a deep breath I walked into the lobby.

“Hi [Y/n]! Wasn’t expecting to see you today. Oh! What’s all this?” Cathrine, one of the secretaries noticed all the bags I was carrying with me.

“Hi Cathrine. I decided to stay in my room here in the tower for a while. Would you mind paging someone to take these up? Where is everyone?”

Cathrine looked at me askew and I knew why. I almost never stayed in the room Tony had given me in the tower for the last two years since moving in with Eric, except for when I got back from a mission super late. “They are all in the common room as far as I am aware, You can always ask FRIDAY on your way up to double check.”

I thanked her again, leaving my belongings next to her desk as I headed into the elevator. I didn’t want to face everyone and I was scared that Wanda would see what was wrong immediately. I was always careful to block my thoughts around her but right now I was in such an emotional state, I didn’t know If i could stop her from prying.

“Miss [Y/n], your vital levels are rising and in your state could prove detrimental. Do you wish me to contact the doctor?”

I let out a shaky laugh. Of course the AI could tell I was pregnant. “No thank you FRIDAY. Just take me to where the team is.”

The elevator stopped on the common floor for the Avengers. I steadied my breathing and stood up straight. Attempting to fix my [h/c] hair before the doors opened. Now I realized I should’ve thought this through a bit more. I knew my mascara was still smudged and my hair was a mess.

Then the doors were open and I had no choice but to face my team. I pasted a smile onto my face. Double checked that none of my bruises were visible and walked out into the room.

The first person I ran into was none other than Clint. “Hey Dart! What are you doing here, did you get a mission report?” You shook your head at your code name.

“No I didn’t. I’m staying in the tower for a while.” You tried not to squirm as Clint squinted at you, confused. “Where is everyone else?”

Clint pointed towards the tv room. “Tony managed to talk everyone into watching the new 007 movie. I got tired of the interruptions of everyone trying to explain it to Steve and Thor, so I was going to clear my head outside for a bit.”

I grabbed his arm. Needing support. “Stay for a moment. There’s something I have to tell the team and I could really use your friendship.”

Clint covered my hand with his own, looking at me with such concern I almost broke down crying again. I sniffed back the tears. “What is it [Y/n]?”

My hand tightened on his arm, “Eric,” At my ex-boyfriends name Clint’s face hardened.

“What did he do?”

The question was soft, but I knew enough to tell that Clint was pissed.

“No, Clint. It’s...we broke up.”

Clint gave me a soft smile, “Hey, it’s okay. We’re all here to help you get over him. You know most of the team thought you could do better anyways.”

I grimaced, yes I knew that. But now… “And I’m pregnant, Clint.”

He stilled. You panicked for a moment. Squeezing his arm you waved your hand in front of his face, “Clint?”

“Is it his?”

I slapped him. I was so angry. “Yes it is! I’m not a slut or a whore!”

Clint shook himself, immediately sorry for his outburst. ‘I’m so sorry [Y/n] I never meant that you were. I’m just concerned, you said you guys broke up but you’re pregnant. Did he break up because of it?”

I could feel the tears falling down my cheeks. “No. He didn’t know when he was breaking up with me. But he said he doesn’t believe its his and that he doesn't want anything to do with it or me.” The tears began to fall as I relieved that moment over again. As I reached up to wipe away the tears, the sleeve of my sweatshirt fell down and Clint saw the bruises that were healing.

“[Y/n], did he do this?” He gently grabbed my arm, stopping me from pulling down the sleeve to cover them again.

I lowered my head to look at the floor in shame. I was weak. I was nothing. Just like Eric said.

Clint pulled back my hair out of my face so that he could meet my [e/c] eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay now. And no matter what that dickhead said, none of this is your fault. He shouldn’t have beat you. Or said those hurtful things.”

I gulped, and whispered, “How did you know he did those things?”

Clint gave me a soft smile as he gently pulled me along towards where the rest of the team was, “Because I’ve seen the results of an Abusive Relationship before. Before Laura and I became official, she had just gotten out of one herself. I didn’t understand how she acted the way she did, but when she told me, I was there to help her find who she was again.”

I nodded. I could do this. I took a deep breathe. Clint gave me one more smile as he opened the door to the room.

I was met by a hilarious sight. Tony was beside the Tv that was showing agent 007 running on the top of the train, gesturing wildly while shouting at Steve. Steve was sitting on a beanbag, a bowl of popcorn in his hand, head tilt in confusion. Thor was trying to tell Natasha that he could have destroyed the bad guy in the first five minutes and Wanda was laughing along with bruce as they watched all of it happen from the safety of the couch.

“Guys, Look who I found!” At Clint’s shout, everyone stopped and turned. I was suddenly nervous again.

“Hey guys. Looks like your having fun.” I was pleasantly surprised that my voice managed to sound normal. But i didn’t miss the look Wanda shot me. Shoot. I guess my emotions were still too distressed to block her out.

Tony was the first to break out of his shock at seeing you in the tower without a mission on the radar, “[Y/n]! So good to see you again! Could you please explain to mr. caveman here the beauty that is Tom Cruise?”

I laughed, “Tom Cruise is overrated.”

Tony gasped, and slapped a hand over his chest, “[Y/n]! I didn’t take you for a double agent? Oh how painful of a betrayal.”

It was pretty funny watching Tony be overdramatic, but I knew I needed to clear the air of the reason I was here.

“Guys, I have something to tell you.” Tony stopped with his acting and stood still, looking concerned. I took a deep breath, Clint gave my hand an encouraging squeeze. “I will be staying here for a while. Me and Eric broke up.”

There was silence for a moment before a loud cheer went up from everyone, even Thor.

Steve stood up and came over to give me a hug, “Sorry for the reaction [Y/n] but you already knew we didn’t like him.”

Tony agreed, “There was something off about him every time you brought him over.”

Wanda was the only one who didn’t mutter an agreement, still staring at you in concentration.

Clint could see that things were spiraling so he took a step forward, raising his hand, “That’s not all guys, could you please let her finish? She needs all the support she can get right now.”

Everyone got silent again at Clint’s solemn tone. Tony gave you a worried look, “What’s going on [Y/n]?”

Tears poked at my eyes again, I reached up to swipe them away, “God I’m turning into a watering pot.” I gave a breathy laugh, “Was Laura like this too?” Clint laughed as I asked him the question.

“She was worse, believe it or not. Crying when I wore my shoes into the house or if the dryer finished early.”

Natasha raised a hand drawing my attention, “Uhhh...you guys wanna share with the class?”

I took a deep breather, “Eric and I broke up. I realize now, and Clint helped me realize, that it was an abusive relationship. Verbally and…” I reached up and pulled up the sleeves of my sweatshirt, revealing the rainbow of colored bruises covering my arms. I also lifted the bottom of it to show the footprint that was starting to develop on my hip. “Physically.”

Natasha gasped, followed by everyone else. Tony stepped up to me, “Honey, Why didn’t you tell us?”

The tears wouldn’t stop then, as I saw the care that the Team had for me. “I don’t know.” I drew a ragged breath, Clint the only reason I stayed standing as he held onto my hand. “I thought I was weak. Worthless. I started to believe everything Eric said and called me. I didn’t want you guys to start thinking it too.”

Tony gathered me into a bone crushing hug, “No honey, we would never think that of you. You are so strong and beautiful. We will always be your family. [y/n]. You can come to us for anything.”

He let go, and walked back to the rest of the team. I frantically tried to stop the tears.

Wanda spoke up then, “That’s not all though, is it [y/n]?” Her voice was soft and supportive.

Tony looked at her, “What do you mean? What else could there be?”

I answered that, “I’m pregnant.”

Time seemed to stand still for a moment. I held my breath, waiting for their reactions. This time Thor came up to me. “Miss [y/n], you can rest assured that I will protect this child. He or she will want for nothing from Uncle Thor! The best Uncle in the galaxy!” He proudly raised his hammer, smiling at you.

Tony interrupted, “Umm, I think you mean second best. The best uncle is the one that will be creating a suit for our mini avenger.”

Steve sidled up on the other side of me, “I’m the best uncle right?”

I laughed freely as the stress melted off me. I shouldn’t have worried. The Avengers were my family. They would help me no matter what.

Clint got my attention, “Told you.”

I smiled at him and leaned over, “Don’t rub it in, but I think you’ll be the best uncle.”

Clint smiled, let go of my arm and ran into the middle of the bickering, “You guys! [Y/n] said I’m the best uncle!”

I grinned. I was surrounded by family. I got slowly pulled into the circle of love and bickering as everyone asked me if I had thought of names or if I had any baby stuff already. No one brought up Eric again and no one acted differently towards me.

I was home.

[calfclass48]

Our day started at 7:30 where Lauren was nice enough to give us a tour of the capitol and Assembly member Heath Flora gave us a tour of the Assembly floor. To have the chance to stand at the desks where so many decisions about California have been made was unbelievably powerful.  Truly the essence of “if these walls could talk.”

Our first speaker of the day was Senator Mike McGuire from Healdsburg, CA.  It was great to start with a speaker who is very bullish on the future of California.  His enthusiasm for rural California and the ability for the 95% and the 5% to work together was undeniable.  

We then spoke to Assembly member Brian Dahle from Shasta County.  He owns a seed business back at home and is one of only 3 members of the Assembly who owns a business at home while being at the Capitol.  He was a powerful speaker who stated that he was “here not to be elected but instead to help a struggling county and a struggling state.”  One of his messages that ran through his entire talk was that “the truth will set you free.”  What he meant by that is that too often politicians get caught up in either trying to soften the truth or do nor want to give all the facts because once someone has the facts, choosing the correct choice is easy.  

The third Assembly member we spoke with was Assemblywoman Blanca Rubio of Los Angeles.  She is a single mother of 2, who was deported at the age of 6, and was undocumented until the age of 13.  She was a teacher for 16 years.  She, like many who spoke to us, repeated “41 is the magic number.”  Meaning, relationships are crucial. Relationships are everything. If you want something done, you need to work with others to see if you can create positive benefit for not only yourself, but for the other 40 you want to vote for the bill.  Her humility was evident.  She said she had not only scheduled meetings at every single office in the Assembly to go to them and introduce herself, but also made everyone homemade molé, which I’ve named “holy molé.” Essentially the message was, leadership comes in many different forms, but never forget to look out for people and their needs.   Senator Ricardo Lara was our next speaker.  His message was “relationships are everything.”  He stated that while this building looks big, it is actually very small.  What he means is, people will help you if you help them.  Stay humble. Continue to overlook the politics, but instead help your district and help you state the best you can and not take attacks personal.  To best help your district he stated “the best thing you can do is go directly to the experts in the field.” What that means to Ag is we need to continue to tell our story. We need to continue to reach out, to give tours, to answer questions, and to not only advocate, but teach.  

Senator Jim Nielsen, Class 5, spoke about the changing civility of the country.  He was a Senator, took an 18 year break, and now is back in office.  He said that in this time that there is less trust among members of the Legislature.  The respect for the institution, the rules and each other are gone.  Back in the past legislators could beat each other up on the floor and after have dinner together. He felt that is gone today. He loves to mentor others. He loves to see those he mentors aim high and achieve. One of his favorite mentoring stories involved a young man who has been a quadriplegic since he was eight years old when he broke his neck in diving accident.  He learned how to draw beautiful Western drawings using only his mouth.  He is now an accomplished artist and to this day still can only draw using his mouth.  The message being, things can always be worse, but its how you approach every situation can have a positive.  He felt that Proposition 1 is his best partnership with Governor Brown.

Senator Steve Glazer and Assemblywoman Cathrine Baker came to us and spoke about bipartisanship.  They represent overlapping district but have different political affiliations, yet have made it a huge effort to work together; “reaching across party lines.” By some they are deemed non-team players but they don’t feel compelled to toe the line of their party.  They do what is best for their district first, and state second.  They do not feel beholden to specific interest groups, which allows them to vote as they feel is needed.  The biggest takeaway from this session was that they agree that they “both want the same thing, even when they don’t agree how to get there.” Truly a look of how collaboration could look at a state level when people want the best for the people, not their special interests or party.

Assemblymember Jim Cooper of Elk Grove spent many years as a law enforcement official before running for his district seat.  He openly spoke about that neither he nor his party knew much, if anything about agriculture.  He, like every speaker before, once again echoed the need for farm tours. For ag to reach out and answer questions that law makers have and help them better understand convoluted bills and ideas.  He is considered a rebel in his own party who once again doesn’t follow party line, but is trying to do what is best for his district and state.

Chief Consultant to the Assembly Water Parks and Wildlife Committee, Catherine Freeman, helped explain the budget process.  Unlike law makers, she is not elected, and therefore is not bound to term limits.  She agrees that many changes need to happen, but a strong majority doesn’t want to change our oldest laws.  Many times bills have come up that would be helpful to many sectors, but are killed before they can reach the floor.  Concurrently, many other bills can be changed midstream without any input from the person that started the bill.  She also spoke of peculiar incidents, for example bills impacting agriculture, that do not appear in front of the Senate or Assembly Agriculture committees, but instead appear before the water and environmental committees instead.  

Our last speaker of the day was Keeley Bosler, Cabinet Secretary to Governor Brown.  She was raised on a cattle operation in Etna, CA.  She likes the openness and willingness of the state law makers to try new ideas.  She believed that Governor Brown’s main interests before he leaves office is fiscal stability, state water project issues, climate change, transportation, and criminal justice reform.

To wrap it up, what did this all mean for the day? To me, the messages were simple; build trust, build relationships, focus on the needs of the people, not the party.  Participate, communicate, reach out and share you knowledge and wisdom.  Stay humble, remember that each of us has different needs in our district, but we all have the same needs as people and a family.  Learn to agree that we can have differences in opinions but that doesn’t mean that either is 100% wrong or right. Lastly, meeting each of these members face to face reminded me that they are just normal people with real lives trying to do their part the make the state the best they can.  They want to hear from not only their districts, but also from those who are being affected by laws past and present.  So, as an ag industry we have a massive responsibility to reach out to all of our law makers and have continual conversations. To put aside the business of strictly running our business but also make the effort to show and tell what makes our industry so special.

See you all in Philly!

Mitchell Yerxa, Punit Parmer and Andrew Fisher

[carrietrekkie]

Thunderstorm

So, here it is! The first chapter of my first story in English! Less Pike in it, I know but there is more to come. But first! Meet Cathrin!

The weather outside was terrifying. Heavy clouds rising to the sky, black as the sea, shuttered by thunder and lightning. My view wanders around but the darkness that surrounded me made it nearly impossible to see anything but the falling rain outside.

“That was a really bad idea.”

With a deep sigh I sunk back in the driver seat of my brother´s car, another bad decision to take it, instead of mine and slow down a little bit more. At this speed it will take hours to get back home.

“Damn it.”

I should have taken the offer from my brother, to stay overnight, but I was tired from my long day at work and want nothing more than to sleep in my own bed. Now it looks like, that I would sleep in his car.

A sound like from hell itself cuts the clouds and a lightning strokes into a lonely tree next to me. I flinched a bit and wondered about myself. I´m not afraid in thunderstorm, but this was heavy and the blinking on the display of the car don´t made it better. It´s getting colder with every mile I pass by and soon the streets will get slippery. Something the cars wants to show me in a very dramatic way.

“Oh shut up, you’re a car, not a spaceship!”

I hit a button on the wheel, resulting in another beeping. My phone rings and this time I was grateful the car has also a button for this. I take the call and could only smile a little, as I hear the voice on the end of the line.

“Turn around!” Marcus, my brother sounds seriously. “The world is going down out here.” “Noo, I don´t see that.” I turn on the fog lights, don’t helpful at all. “And I don´t come back, I have not a clue where I am at the moment, so I take the way that I know.”

“Drama Queen.”

“Ahh, says the Queen of the Queens.” Another brash sound interrupted us and I twisted my eyes. “Your car makes a strange noise, again! How could you stand this? It drives me nuts and I only borrowed it till tomorrow.”

“Come on, it´s great!” The little boy in my brother takes command. “It´s a little like being the captain of the Enterprise.”

“Nope.”  I raised my finger to tip on the display. “It sounds more like the beeping of that funny landing pod from the last episode.” The car switched to another notice, something about the engine or so.

“The good one?”

“More like the mournful whine it made right before blowing Pike out into space.” I made the mistake to try to read the error message and the car gave me a shock be sliding to the wrong side. I grabbed the wheel so hard my knuckles turned white.

“Oh my gosh.” I breathed hardly, that was close. “I hang up, I need my senses together.”

“Call me, when you arrived at home.“

“I try my best.”

“Not funny Cathrin. Drive carefully.”

“Again, I try my best. Kiss the boys from me.”

“I try my best.”

 With a smile on my face I cut up the call and focused again on the street. The clouds are illuminated by the thunderbolts, a strange red and yellow gleaming followed them. And then my world turns upside down. Right in front of me a bright light appeared, it looked frightening like rear lights and I imagined seeing people standing around.

“Please not!”

With full force I stepped on the brake and…nothing. The car shoots right through the lights, leaving me no way to averted the crash this way, so I did the next best thing that goes through my mind, I grabbed the wheel, turn it around and regretted it instantly.

I felt the car breaking out, twisting around its own axis and throwing me hardly back in the seat. The safety belt punched against my thorax, takes my breath shortly away and I lose my orientation. Something hit my head and I felt blood running through my eyes. Then I saw it, a big tree and I rushing directly through it. That hit I won´t survive and still the car don´t reacted to anything I could do preventing it.

I grabbed the door handle, a useless reaction done in panic and fear. Then my car jumps, was tired up in the air and that was the moment, I was sure, I´m dying right know. I closed my eyes, muttered a prayer and hoped it would happened quickly. But nothing happened.

Slowly I opened my eyes again and couldn´t believe, what I saw. The clouds are gone, the clear sky was right in front of me with the glowing moon getting near to me.

“Oh no, no, no.” I start screaming, but my voice sounds strangely far away, like it was not mine anymore.  My body was numb, my hands still at the wheel, unable to lose it or to make any other action at all.

Nothing of the things I saw or felt make sense in any way, like all physical laws where gone in the blink of an eye. Space, time and even reality lost its meaning to me and I could not say if it were hours, days, years or centuries I stuck in this red nightmare, that pulled me away from all I knew.

Lastly I gave up, closed my eyes again and revealed to the madly thoughts and the fear that flows over me.

 But it was not the end…

 With a deafening crash the car hit solid ground, after the feeling of eternity and ripped me out of my unconsciousness. My body reacted faster than my brain and I stepped on the break and finally it gripped. The tires squeaked, again I was throwing around and imagined people who jumped out of my way.

“Stop!” A rumble and at last the car stopped.

 Oh please, let anybody be alright. Please let me not run over somebody.

 In panic I released the seat belt, stumbled out of the car, prevented myself from slipping on the ground, than turned around.

“Is everybody okay?”

I broke up, before I could said anything else. I was inside a building, maybe I crushed into it or maybe I lay somewhere bleeding and dying. Both could be possible, but I was tempted to toke the second opinion, then what I saw right in front of me, wasn´t possible. I hold up my hand and a dozen hands around followed that move.

 “Weapons down!”  

I stared at the man who gave this order, blinking and asking myself again, what the hell are going on here. Something burned in my eye, as I laid my hand on my forehead, a burning pain forced me to toke my fingers back and as I looked at them, there were covered in blood.

My blood.

“Oh, that couldn´t be good.”

My legs started to shaking, my knees get weak. Whatever it was, that holds me up in a straight position, loses slowly its effect. Before my eyes I could see stars sparkling and although I was pretty sure I didn´t move, everything in my head starts spinning around.  

“Are you alright?”

The pictures before me, didn´t fit the thoughts in my head.  As I looked up again, my brain concluded in not working anymore. Slowly I blinked at the man, dressed up in a blue Starfleet uniform and felt my mouth ankle twitched a little. I knew this man, but that could not be real, this was impossible!

 “Ehm.” I swallowed, searching for words, I closed my eyes. “I don´t know.” With another step forwards he stood right in front of me, someone companied him on his left side. I looked up.

This eyes, his voice.

“But I think I´ve already lose my mind.”

That was the last thing I remembered clearly, then my mind gave up and toked the rest of me with it. I tilt forward and barley realized that someone picked me up, than everything turned black and I get carried away.

[carrietrekkie]

Shut up and dance. (Welcome to Starfleet - Part 2)

Hey together!

Here comes Part 2 (Part 1 here)

I must thank @reeselivesforeverinmyheart for the idea, I hadn´t planed to write that party anyway but here it is! I was in a totally funny mood as I wrote it, so I hope it makes you smile!

And leave me a little fb, if you don´t mind.

With great pleasure I tag: @bold-brave-courageous @allthetrek

Had I remembered this evening later, I would have known that it still had some knowledge prepared for me. Cognition number one was that spaceships were damn labyrinths, that got even worse when you had one sitting like me, and already get lost in a sober state.

Cognition number two was that I should really keep my hands off champagne, no matter what the situation was. Should I marry someday there would be served water ... well, as I said, I will not remember this evening.

"Okay, stopover." Chris, who had hacked me in, pulled me around a corner, causing me to stumble again. Before I had an answer, Hugh grinned at me. "What are we doing in the sick bay?" "Oh yeah, I can see where the problem lies." The doc and the captain exchanged an amused look. "On it."

"Where on it?" I still didn´t know what to do here. "If there's going to be a party here, that's a funny moto. Hey, what will that be? " Pike pushed me to the treatment bed, grabbed my hip and sat me on it. "Keep still." "Hey, wow, that was impressive!" I grinned at him. "Is that possible ...?"

"Cathrin!" Culber interrupted me and stopped me from saying something very, very stupid. "What?" "Just be quiet for a moment, trust me." He raised a hypospray. "That will help you to break down the alcohol a little faster. You'll still have a hangover and feel shitty tomorrow, but it prevents you from stepping away completely. " "There exists something like that?" I squinted at the injector in his hand. "What do you want with the syringe?"

"Captain, what did you do with her?" Culber grinned at him, bringing him a very evil look from Pike. "I said I'm not the right man for this job." "So you decided to get her drunk?" "She drank two glasses of champagne!" Pike felt compelled to defend himself. "Who could have guessed that?" He caught the hand, with which I have just started to beat after hypospray as if it were an annoying fly.

"I just want to annoy you." Culber put the syringe against my neck and squeezed. "Ouch." I glared at the doctor. "That couldn´t have hurt!" He grinned at me, then turned around, fetching a glass of water and throwing an effervescent tablet into it. "Drink up." "He said no more drinks." Now I started waving my finger in front of Pike's nose. "In God´s name, drink that glass of water!" Pike shook his head, caught my hand again and squeezed it on my lap, then sighed slightly. "Please."

"Okay." I let him press the glass into my free hand, started, emptied it all in one and gave it back to Hugh. "Impressive." Culber patted Chris on the shoulder. "I understand how that happened." "Gnahh." I shook myself. "I suppose that must taste so awful?" "Punishment must be." Chris released me. "And?"

 I had to blink a couple of times, then the desired effect would set in, I felt the mist clear a little and the heavy feeling on my tongue disappear, followed by the funny feeling in my legs. "Wow." I stretched a little. "That's weird." "Enjoy it as long as it lasts." Culber drove along my body with a tricoder. "And drink nothing alcoholic again, then it turns into the opposite." "Oh, I'm not going to touch anything anymore." I slid back onto my feet, still feeling a little dizzy, but not nearly as drunk as a few minutes ago. "And I take care that it stays that way." Chris's face spoke volumes, calling the expression amused would be a laughable understatement. "Are you coming with us Hugh?" "I have another hour of service before I come." He smiled at me. "Have fun and don´t forget to be surprised." "Oh, I found a solution for that." I turned around slightly and grinned at Pike. "I'm just saying he betrayed it to me, then nobody can blame me for not being happy enough." Hugh started to laugh as Pike stared at me in disbelief. "Good, right?" I nodded, then turned and left the sick bay. I just wanted to turn left as. "Right!" "Thanks." I glanced at the men, turned and ran away.  "You should follow her Captain before she does something stupid." "For example?" Chris raised his hands, before he turned around and ran after me. "Cathrin slowly." I turned to him as he unlocked me. "That's weird." I was sure that my eyes had to be huge by now, at least that's how it felt. "You are still drunk, your body can only better catalyze it." Pike reached for my arm again. "So please, take care that you don´t catch anything alcoholic again, then that ends up really bad." "You speak from personal experience?" I looked at him. "Oh yes and no, I will not tell you this now." He stopped in front of the lounge.

"That's mean." "I know." He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me. "Last chance to run away." "No, I think I can handle this." I looked at him. "If you take care of me." Oh yes, I was definitely drunk. "Have I ever done anything else?" With these words, he pushed me through the door and I was greeted with a big hello, interrupted by the question of where I had spent so long. I was amazed by the party location. Although I had been here before, but it had definitely looked different, which brought me to cognition number 3. Party decoration in the 23rd century was futuristic. There was nothing that didn´t blink and flashed.

There were many crew members, some of whom I only knew fleetingly, others I had never met before, but everyone embraced me so warmly that I couldn´t help but love each one of them. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Chris always trying to stay close to me, careful that I really didn´t get anything alcoholic in my hands, which was extremely difficult since almost everyone put a glass in my hand.

Luckily, that got better as everyone pressed through and Tilly picked up the scepter. I immediately recognized where she had the music from when the first bars came out of the speakers, she had found my music files somewhere. "Oh God Sil!" I beamed at her as she came to jump on me. "I hope you are not angry, but I thought you would enjoy it?" "Of course I enjoy it, I love it!"

I let her pull me onto the dance floor and within a few seconds I found myself in a crowd of dancing and celebrating Starfleet members. So controlled they otherwise worked, they could pretty well let the sow out and what surprised me most of all was, that Michael was probably the most boisterous dancer. Unlike Pike and Spock who stood in a corner, talking and watching. Both did their best not to be asked to dance. I knew that Spock couldn´t or didn´t want to dance, that he had even told me, why Chris didn´t danced escaped my knowledge. And since I had made it a condition that he would have to dance with me when we went to this party, it was probably me to get him out of this corner. So I turned by Rhys, who was a towering dancer, and approached Chris.

"All right." I took his glass out of his hand and set it down. "You agreed to dance with me." "Did I do that?" He laughed slightly. "Don´t act like that." I grabbed his hand and pulled him to me. "I am the one with the fogging brain." "I work on the contrary." "And don´t come to assert the idea you cannot dance. "I put my arms around his shoulders. "I'm pretty sure there is a Starfleet rule somewhere around that charges a Captain to take a dance class or two." "That would be new to me." Nevertheless, he started to move with me to the beat of the current song.

Shut up and dance.

Somebody probably thought of me when they wrote it. The fleet number drifted on the dance floor and as good as any leftover started to dance and finally Pike was infected by the good mood. I kept finding myself watching him. He was even damn good at dancing and the part of me that was still dizzy wondered what else he could do with those hips. I felt someone bump into my back, turned around and found me right in front of him, laughing, he took my hand and I turned to him under his arm.

"You lied to me." "Fibbed, that's different." Chris grabbed me, then we turned on our own axis. "Quibbling." I pushed around him, now we stood back to back again. He looked at me over his shoulder. Something had changed in his eyes. "I have not heard that for ages." "Well, I'm by definition terribly old-fashioned." I grabbed the hand he hold out to me and now he turned towards me and before I knew it, changed the music and the fast beat gave way to a soft number. The song was Ancient, Lenny Kravitz, Believe in you.

Chris pulled me into his arms. Then I felt his hand in my back. I had the feeling that the warmth of his hand pervaded my skin, but that was probably just the effect of the alcohol. We stood so close together that our cheeks touched, I felt his breath brush over my skin, his scent enveloped me. Slowly we moved to the beat of the music, much too close and far too insensitive.

I lifted my head slightly and looked directly into his eyes. The tenderness and the desire that I could read in it almost knocked me over at that moment. My eyes flickered to his lips, his perfectly curved, inviting lips ... oh dear, that was going in a direction I didn´t intend. I was so caught up in him and my own thoughts that I didn´t even notice how the song ended and he broke away from me. What the hell was I doing here right now. It had only been a blink of an eye and I would have kissed him, here in front of the entire crew and I was sure that he was not the only one who had noticed that. "Sorry." I had to get out of here, now! Apart from the fact that this could have been more than embarrassing, I felt the dim feeling of the previous time coming back. Without another word I turned around and could barely stop myself from running. I needed fresh air, urgently or at least a few feet between me and the crew. However, I heard someone following me.

"Crap." "Hey Cathrin, wait!" Of course it was Christopher. "Where do you want to go?" "I just got sick, there was probably some alcohol in the last drink." He made a completely unbiased impression, he had not noticed anything? Or was I drunker than I thought? "I'll take you to your quarters." "No!" I shook my head, not a good idea. "I can go alone, really, is not my first intoxication." "I'm responsible for this ship and I'll bring you." He smiled incredibly sweetly at me, which I just couldn´t use right now. "You mostly get lost, even in a sober condition.”

He wrapped an arm around my waist to support me and I tried to lean against him for a moment, my head was buzzing and my legs were as wobbly as pudding, but I just didn´t want him near me. "No, honestly." I easily pushed him away. "Let me go, I'll manage. Go back in. " "What am I supposed to do there if the main person is missing?" With a sigh, I gave up and let him take me to my quarters, he would not give in anyway. The way seemed to me endless this time and the silence between us didn´t make it any better. "Thanks." As soon as I arrived at my door, I twisted out of his grip, well, I had it, he didn´t let go of my hand. "Cathrin." He bit his lower lip. "I'm sorry, I." "What?" I felt the heat rushing to my face. "The situation earlier." He raised his hand. "I.” Again he interrupted himself and I suddenly realized that I hadn´t imagined anything by any means. "God, you don´t believe how much I would like to kiss you." I stared at him, swaying between falling into his arms and running away. "But not like that, not in front of the whole crew and not when you're drunk."

"I don´t know what you mean." Run away, definitely run away! I went back a little and the door opened. Slowly my hand slipped out of his. "Wait, let me." He tried to hold me, but I somehow managed to push my arm behind me. "Cathrin, please." "No, all right." I raised my hand, smiled at him and waved briefly. "Much fun yet!" The door closed and I dropped against it.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, what had I just started? Was I totally nuts? Try to kiss the captain? In front of the whole crew?  And yet…oh how much I want to kiss him but he was right, not like this. We must found another way but definitely not tonight.

I needed time to think and needed a cold shower and a damn strong coffee. That brought me to Cognition Number 4. Never dance with someone you like when you're drunk that will definitely end in a disaster.

As said, I wouldn´t remember that evening. 

Masterlist

[carrietrekkie]

Firelight - Part III: A planet the sun forgot.

I wish you all a lovely evening! Here comes part 3/4.

Warnings: Fear, some kind of torture, violence. At all, not the happiest part of this story.

Part 1: Fire and Ice.

Part 2: Let´s try Starfleet.

And if you don´t mind, leave me a little Feedback!

The next few hours, maybe even days, I didn´t really know, felt like something was trying to pull my thoughts out of my body, but my body did not give in and that made someone pretty angry. I was pretty sure I was aboard a shuttle, at least that told me the dull feeling in my stomach. Something rough hit me on my shoulder, pierced my brain and forced me to open my eyes. A throbbing pain shot through my jaw and made me moan. "Enough sleep sweetheart." "What the hell?" I grabbed my head to keep from falling, then sank back against a metallic wall. "Oh, get a little hard on yourself." Someone pushed into my field of vision. "Who are you?" I grimaced when I realized who my host was, it was the agent who had been with Leland, her name was Prescot or something. "I already told Leland everything I know and Cornwell.”

"Psst." She put a finger on my lips. Shocked, I broke off. "I know, and it was pretty poor." It was probably supposed to look cute when she slightly tilted her head and blinked at me. "Well, I decided, I take that in my tender hands." "Let me guess." It was burning on my lip, where her finger had been, so I fumbled around on it myself. My lower lip was torn open, that was it. "Leland doesn´t know about it." "Of course not." She smiled again her witch smile. "Leland is a wimp, ridiculously easy to control and has not had a long time to report." "Ah ha." I closed my eyes and moved my jaw slightly, it hurts too. Not as much as what she did next. "Shit, what's that?" I winced as she removed a hypospray from my neck.

"That will help you to remember." She looked at me. "Did you even listen? I can´t remember, the little bit I know came from coincidences and situations. Any attempt to access it, has been a complete flop. " "That's why we're trying this now." The agent lifted the hypospray. "We didn´t get that far with Spock, but I was very curious how that might work." I did not have time to analyze the implications of her words, and before my eyes everything began to turn, my brain seemed to defend itself against what she had given me, with everything it could find in its arsenal. Pain, pictures, every feeling that I had at some point collapsed on me and let me tip forward on the floor. I felt something paralyzing me, it even prevented me from closing my eyes, so all I could do was stare at the ceiling of the shuttle until Prescot leaned close to me.

"Mmh, the dose was probably too high." I saw her shrug a thousand times. "Anyway." Then she dropped to her knees in front of me. "So Cathrin, let's hear, how the hell did you get here?" "What?" I tried to fight the nausea down. "I don´t know that!" "Just don´t come up with the idea of claiming these strange signals are responsible for it." She pushed me back as I tried to straighten up. "Lie down!" I growled as I hit the ground again. "I wouldn´t like to ask again." "I don´t know!" The cold metal on my cheek was doing well. "Burnham has not figured it out yet." "Oh, she will." Prescot's smile looked like a snake's. That made me choke again. "But that takes me too long." She grabbed my braid and pulled me up. "Let's try something different." She pushed me away and I couldn´t catch myself, as my head unrestrained hit the ground, I had to throw up. With a groan I rolled onto my back, still unable to close my eyes or move in coordination. Gradually, I saw her walk past me, sit down in the cockpit of the shuttle and enter a course. No sooner had she entered her coordinator than an alarm rang.

"The Federation with its narrow-minded policies." She switched off the warning tone, then gave me a look that made me shudder down into my confused innermost. "I'm sure that will be a charming excursion." Then she activated the warp drive. "Could only be that it doesn´t go out well for everyone." The picture in front of my eyes blurred, but the last thing I saw, let all hope in me collapsed. The computer displayed our new course on the screen.

Talos IV.

"No, please don´t." I fought against the wave of unconsciousness that just moved over me. "Please..." Then I felt my body tension get lost, my head rolled over and my eyes closed.

*****

At some point I came back to myself, the drugs that she had given me were still burning in my bloodstream, their effect did not seem to end. My fear paralyzed me, the images in my head drove me to the brink of madness. I felt tears rolling down my face, they burned like fire on my skin. Any nerve phage that was not completely overloaded, seemed to consist only of pain. Cold crawled through my fingers, making them stiff and I was sure that would spread into my body soon. I winced as my numb fingertips hit something metallic. It had rounded edges, its surface both smooth and rough, traversed by lines or symbols, and above a curve were elevations. Eager to finally have found something that didn´t seem to come from the arsenal of Dante's Inferno, my brain plunged onto this piece of metal in my hand. Trembling, I stroked it, groped it and counted the small round sublimities.

One, two, three, four.

I exhaled slightly, closing my eyelids over my exhausted eyes. It was his badge, I still had it in my pocket, I closed my fingers tightly, holding it tight and crafting myself a mantra that would hopefully keep me sane. That's real, you can hold on to it while it's there, you have something that they can´t take you. That will protect you. He will protect you.

++++++++

"Can you hear me? What did you do with her? " "I tried to help her memory on the jumps." Two women argued together, one voice I knew, unfortunately, but the second?

"Stop looking at me so horrified, I know what your, let's call it hosts, do here." "It will be hard to help her." The other woman spoke again, but it sounded strange. "Her thoughts must first come to rest, her body must regenerate." "I don´t want you to help her, I want you to use her memories for me." "That's not how it works."

+++++++

I felt that I was lying on a comfortable surface, I was not covered, but I was not cold or otherwise uncomfortable. However, someone stopped me when I wanted to sit up.

"No, not." A few hands landed on my shoulders, pushing me back. "You really shouldn´t get up yet." That was the woman from earlier, she smiled mildly at me and then let go of me. "Who are you?" She was beautiful, but somehow scary. Blonde long hair fell over her shoulders and I guess that her dress was too short and her shoes were totally inappropriate for this environment.

"I'm Vina." She looked at me. "You are on Talos and safe for now." "Vina?" I squinted, why did I know that name? I didn´t say anything, the thoughts in my head still felt like they were being jumbled up in a washing machine.

"We will try to help you." "Do you read my thoughts?" "Not me." She stepped aside for a moment, I following her gaze and finding three weird figures standing at the end of the room. They had huge heads, a slight green cast and looked at me like I was a lab rat.

"Oh, yes, right." I closed my eyes again. "Talos, there was something." "It's one of the few memories that clearly exists in your mind right now." "Okay, that makes sense and that's the way it used to be." I just assumed they knew what was wrong with me or Prescot had told them. "Where?" "Here. Did you think you were going to get rid of me? " "It will probably still be allowed to hope." I pinched my thumb and forefinger against my nose root. "These headaches are killing me." I blinked hard. "We couldn´t help you, your body needs to break down the chemical first." Vina now put her hand behind my back and helped me sit up. "Slowly." Immediately, everything turned and I held onto her a little. "Phew okay." I put a hand on my stomach. "Maybe that was not the best idea." I made her understand that I wanted to lie down again and she also helped me. "Thank you." "You should try to gain something." "The last thing in there came out very effectively." Now Prescot was standing by my bedside. "Maybe it's better she leaves that." "A glass of water would be nice." I tried to ignore her and looked at Vina instead. "If it doesn´t mind."

She smiled, then almost floated away. Man, how I missed to wear high heels. I took the opportunity and glared at Prescot.

"Hey, what's your problem?" "My problem is you." She leaned against the couch and leaned over to me. "In your lovely head are a few things on which Starfleet is almost as keen as on Spock's, but while they would only read it and stow away somewhere, there is something more substantial in them." "I'm reluctant to bring bad news, but they don´t have it here with profit and trade." I took a breath. "Unless you hug the Ferengi, then you might be lucky." I raised my eyebrows. "Okay, that was new."

"Ah, see." She put her hand to my chin and turned me roughly in her direction. "You just have to drill long enough." "Long is the keyword." I tried to look at her as evil as possible. "It takes time, if I should remember." "Yes, maybe." She pointed in the direction in which just the Talosians have disappeared. "But they certainly have ways to speed things up." "They will not do that!" Vina was back, a vessel in her hand. "It's not their style. They read thoughts to learn so."

"So, if they don´t learn anything from her, then I don´t know." Prescot turned and walked towards the Talosians. "She´s from the past, from another time and reality." I felt bad again as she spokes on. "Supposedly she knows things, up to hundreds of years into the future. Wouldn´t it be tempting to see that? " "Here, then you feel better." Vina helped me put something on, then she held the bottle to my lips and I drank the liquid. Immediately I wanted to vomit again. "Try to keep it to yourself." I choked it down again and slid out of her arms back onto the small pillow. I closed my eyes and in front of them pictures flashed, that I couldn´t initially assign. But I knew the blue eyes that looked at me. "Chris."

But he looked strange, as if someone had put on a costume that looked like Chris but not really fit, as if he would play the role but go his own way. I took a deep breath, then jerked off again. I tried to hold on to this look, but slipped away and tore everything that was just so clear together with me, back into the vortex, from which I still couldn´t free myself. "Cathrin, don´t try to fight it." Her melodic voice sneaked back into my mind. "We want to help you." Given Prescot's attempt to promote me like an entertainment program, I could hardly believe her. It felt like I was pulling in a thousand directions at the same time. I saw the Enterprise with all its commanders, the Borg, the Romulans, the Dominion, but as soon as I saw anything clear, it was torn from me as if someone wanted to prevent me from remembering later. Then it became too much for me and I gave up and let myself be carried away by whom or whatever.

+++++++

Something familiar crawled through my nose into my brain, it took a moment to assign it. "Chris?"

I whispered softly, just so I could be sure my thoughts wouldn´t play a trick on me again. Once again, I closed my fingers around the badge in my pocket, still hoping that it would be my anchor in reality. "I'm here." "No, no."

I shook my head, I didn´t dare to open my eyes. "Please don´t, you will be executed or you…"

Now I felt a hand on my arm. Instead of calming me, it made me nervous. I felt my heart start beating faster, adrenaline rushing back through my veins.

"That will not happen." Then he paused. "What about her?" "Agent Prescot has given her a remedy to make her memories accessible, but instead she just buried her deeper inside. Not even for the Talosians was it possible to get them out. " I heard him sigh, which somehow made me cramp myself even more. "No, this is not possible." "Cathrin." Pike pulled away from Vina, leaned toward me, then gently put his hand on my cheek. "Open your eyes, look at me!" It sounded like a command, and the part of me that slowly began to feel comfortable in Starfleet came to grips with it. I opened my eyes, looked into Christopher Pike's face and instantly felt my eyes grow to twice their size. My battered body tried to get away from him. It just didn´t get too far.

I rolled to the side of the couch and could barely put my legs down, before I would have slammed like a wet sack to the ground. Instead, I fell into his outstretched arms and was pulled back. "Let me go." I squirmed with all the strength I had left, it was not much anymore. "That's not real!" My legs slid away, then I slid down on him, feeling his knees fall and lift me up.

"It's real!" He looked at Vina, she came before his question. "There is a memory in her mind that relates to this place and she doesn´t seem to get away from it." She looked at him. "It includes you." My head rolled against his chest and he turned his attention to me. He felt the tension drain from my body, my hand just resting on his shoulder, slipping slowly down his chest. "I can´t stay here any longer, she needs a doctor and." "I understand." She smiled sadly. "It was clear from the first second when I saw how you looked at her. You love her." "Vina." Pike took a deep breath.  "You never looked at me like that." "I am so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" This on seemed a little easier to her. "That you have found someone to give you what you need?" She took a step towards him and put a hand to his cheek. "I have decided to stay here, not you and it would be unfair for you to stop living your life." "I..." "Don´t wait too long." Then she stepped back from him. "In my experience, that's not the right way. Don´t worry, I'm fine. " "I wish you all the best." "I wish you the same." Pike pulled his communicator from his belt and snapped it open. "Pike to Tyler, two to beam." Then the transporter beam enveloped them and carried Pike away from Vina one last time, and although it took a few more days for him to admit that, he really could let her go this time.

****

As soon as the transporter dropped him off in the shuttle, he could feel a huge tension fell from him. Not that he felt directly threatened, but it was better to know that they would leave this planet in a few minutes.

"Finally." Ash Tyler jumped up and came to him. His eyes fell on Cathrin. She lay unconscious in the captain's arms, was incredibly pale, trembling and you could see in her face that a battle had rage in her head. "Oh, that doesn´t look good." Carefully, he put his hands around Cathrin's head as Pike went to his knees to lay her on the floor.

"It is not." Chris reached for the Med-Kit he had received from Dr. Culber. "OK." He pulled out one of the neural emitters and tried to activate it, but his trembling fingers thwarted him. "Damn it."

"I can do that." Tyler took the device from him, activated it and put it to her temple, then repeated the process on the other side. He allowed himself to watch the captain briefly as he prepared the hypospray, as Culber had shown them. During the entire flight Pike had been unusually quiet, nervous and very distracted for his circumstances. He seemed to have pulled himself together for the mission, but now he also noticed how this day claimed its toll. The slight head injury of this morning would do the rest. "Okay, that seems to work." Ash grabbed the hypospray, put it on Cathrin's neck, and injected the drug cocktail. Almost immediately, she seemed to relax, she started to breathe more regularly and the flashing lights on the emitters were less hectic. "We should be frowned upon from here, I'm not at all anxious to find out what surprises Prescot still has in store." Pike just wanted to get up from the floor, when he felt Tyler's hand on his shoulder. The agent smiled slightly at him, then looked at Cathrin. "Stay with her, I'll do it." "Thanks, Tyler." Ash's answer was a small nod, then he hurried forward into the cockpit and shortly thereafter the shuttle took off and left Talos IV. Chris sank to the floor beside Cathrin, throwing a blanket over her and then looking at her. Was that his fault? Should he have clarified his point of view to Leland?

In front of him, he could see the shuttle plunge into space and sink into the warp seconds later. "I'll contact Discovery as soon as we've passed Star Base 11." Tyler got up, rummaged in one of the equipment rucksacks, and came to him. "Here, you should have a drink." "Thank you." Pike accepted the bottle and took a long sip. Tyler sat down opposite him, drank too, then looked at the captain.

"It's not your fault Sir." Ash briefly checked the settings of the medical devices. "Captain Leland has some agents who would like to dispute his position." "You too?" "No." "I had to ask that." Pike's mouth twitched briefly. "I know." Tyler did the same. "She's also my friend, if I had known, I would have warned you. I know she means a lot to you."

Pike took a deep breath. He was probably a worse actor than he had thought. "We should be in radio range in thirty minutes." He got up and went back into the cockpit. Ash was fine, Pike and he were far from being friends, but the captain looked as if he could use some encouraging words, even though he was not the best officer for the job. "No persecutors or other anomalies." "OK." Chris stroked his face. That was at least halfway good news. He hesitated for a moment, then reached out and grabbed her hand. They almost disappeared in his and was cold. Tyler took care of everything, so he admitted he just didn´t have to be the captain. His head sank against his hand, which he had laid around hers, then he closed his eyes. He had no idea what he meant to call what bound them, but right now it felt like it ran through his fingers even before he could name it. He raised his head and looked at her.

"Cathrin." In front of his eyes he could see her looking at him with her green eyes.

"Hold on, please." He stroked a strand from her face.

"Do not give up."