#carina on greys

[mayabishopgold]

Maya Bishop | Station 19 S1 & S2 Carina DeLuca | Grey's Anatomy S14 Set 1 ->(x)

[sapphicweisz]

[tvseries-writings]

We care about you

Maya x Carina x reader (Amelia is reader’s bff)

Prompt: Reader has a car crash with Carina’s car and she feels so guilty that she refuses to go to the hospital and it’s not the best choice.

TW: car crash, seizure

When you open your eyes, your first thought does not go to the probable concussion you gave yourself, nor to the poor light pole you knocked down. No, your concern becomes the car: the Carina's very expensive and beautiful Porsche that you have just crumpled against a stupid pole that you could very well have avoided, had the road not been wet. Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of the driver's door, yours, suddenly opening.

"Miss, miss can you hear me? Y/n?"

Vic's face appears in front of you, and as soon as he notices it's you, her gaze changes from a calm and placid one to one quite panicked.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to call Maya and Carina?"

Vic unbuckles your belt, intimating you to stay still while she checks you over. She feels your legs, asking if you can feel them. You nod. By the feel of the pain in your ribs, you probably have one or two cracked if not broken ribs, blood is pouring out of your nose since the airbag exploded in your face, and most likely the deep cut on your forehead indicates a more serious concussion than you would have liked but you don't care. The only thing you care about is the car, and right now you really have no other concerns besides.

"Were other people involved?"

"No, just a poor pole. But I don't think it will complain. We need to get you to Grey's Sloan. Montgomery, Warren! Give me a hand, we-"

"No."

Relief floods you as soon as Vic confirms that no one else besides you was involved in the accident. You know full well that it could have been worse, yet you refuse to go to the hospital, you won't let anyone waste time because of your stupid mistake. Carina's car...you destroyed it, the Italian loves that car and you literally crumpled it for her.

"Y/n, you know you have to go to the hospital. Maya and Carina would kill me if they knew I didn't take you to the hospital...please don't make me carry you or call them."

You shake your head, immediately regretting it as soon as you do when a twinge in your head makes you squint in pain.

"No, Carina is going to kill me as soon as she sees what I've done to her car..Vic, you don't understand. She loves this car more than anything, she went to pick it out with Andrew as soon as she got to Seattle-" a sob involuntarily escapes your mouth as your body is shaken as more follow. Tears line your cheeks and though you want to stop them, you really don't have the strength.

"Y/n, Carina loves you more than a stupid car...she won't care if-"

"No Vic, you don't understand, I don't want to go to the hospital, please, please, I can't look at Carina and tell her that I destroyed one of the things that reminded her of her brother. Please Vic, take me home, don't take me to Grey's Sloan. Please."

You plead with her and see her struggling internally with herself, even turning a glance over her shoulder where Ben and Travis, having heard it all, are struggling in the same dilemma as she is. Then, Vic shakes his head and you decide that you have just chosen which battle to fight, at least for the next few minutes.

"I'm sorry y/n but we need to get you checked out and Grey's Sloan is the closest. I'm really sorry."

You shake your head, tears continue copiously to line your face, and the adrenaline slowly begins to fade, making your head feel lighter and your chest feel heavier.

"No Vic, this is not your choice. I am conscious and aware of my actions, legally you have no right to transport me anywhere unless I have harmed other people."

You use your best lawyerly tone, the same tone you use in the courtroom and see them exchange a look and then nod.

"You're right, legally we can't force you but we can call Maya and Carina, y/n."

You grit your teeth; this was an option you had not calculated but, instead, you come up with an idea that is better than the others and will probably save you from going to the hospital. As they say, if Muhammad does not go to the mountain then the mountain will go to Muhammad.

....................................................................................................................

"Thank you for coming."

Amelia shakes her head, a look of disapproval quite legible on her face.

"Well, when your best friend as well as roommate for a good six years of college calls you and tells you she's been in an accident, it's hard not to check in on her."

You smile at her, and before you can try to speak, she's asking you rapid-fire questions.

"Have you lost consciousness? Have you had any dizziness? Altered vision?"

Amelia pulls a small light from the breast pocket of the lab coat she is still wearing before pointing it in your eyes.

"I'm fine," you close your eyes, instinctively turning away from that blinding light.

"Mm yeah, no. You're not all right. Now be still and stop saying you're fine."

Amelia holds your head still, probing multiple places for some kind of bump and glancing at the gash on your forehead.

"This cut needs stitches and you need a CT scan. Oh and you still haven't answered my questions, don't think I forgot."

When Vic notices that you don't answer, she does it for you.

"When we arrived she was unconscious and was unconscious for about three minutes while we were there and soon after she recovered she had trouble recognizing me so I wouldn't rule out visual changes."

Ladies and gentlemen, the traitorous bastard Victoria Hughes.

"Hospital, now. No discussion. I remind you that between the two of us, I am the doctor and also one of the best."

You sigh, shaking your head a few times or at least trying to, as Amelia holds you firmly in place.

"I don't even think about it Amelia, not-"

You stop suddenly, a high-pitched ringing in your ears not allowing you to hear whatever Amelia is saying and then, your pupils rotate back and your body is suddenly shaken by convulsions and everything goes dark.

....................................................................................................................

It is Amelia who takes you to the hospital, with Warren by your side as they check your vitals all the way to Grey's Sloan while Vic and Travis brush all speed limits in order to get their captain's girlfriend and great friend to the hospital as quickly as possible.

After administering Diazepam, fortunately the seizures have stopped and Amelia is squeezing your hand, as if to let you know she is with you.

"Everything will be fine, stay with me y/n. It's all right okay? It's all right. I'm here, I'm here with you."

In less than five minutes, your unconscious body is quickly brought through the doors of the emergency room at Grey's Sloan.

"Female, 25 years old, car accident. Unconscious for three minutes, probable head injury. She had a seizure episode before entering the ambulance; diazepam was administered. She has been stable ever since."

Vic says, before leaving you in the hands of Dr. Teddy Altman, who rolls her eyes as soon as she recognizes the woman lying on the stretcher.

"Y/n? Do Amelia, Maya, and Carina know?"

The neurosurgeon sighs, shaking her head and slipping on gloves and a sterile gown to carefully examine how severe your head injury is.

"Damn it, Schmitt, call Dr. DeLuca. Warren, alert your captain. I can't believe you guys didn't say anything, those two will kill you."

Warren swallows before nodding and pulling out his phone.

"What was I supposed to do? This idiot didn't want to and I remind you she's a lawyer, she knows her rights very well. We need to do a CT scan on her, Schmitt did you reserve the room?"

"Y-yes Dr. Shepard and Dr. DeLuca is coming. I told her that her partner had been in a car accident but I didn't have time to tell her that she was okay that she had already shut me down."

Teddy pinches her nose between her index finger and thumb, sighing in exasperation.

"Schmitt, did you even check that she wasn't operating?"

The resident looks at her embarrassed before shaking his head.

"No ma'am, I-"

The boy doesn't have time to finish the sentence that a worried Italian doctor enters the emergency room, nearly bursting through the doors.

"Where is she? Is she okay? Teddy tell me she is fine-"

The Italian woman suddenly stops, noticing only then your pale, unconscious body on the crib in front of the two doctors and the resident.

Caria quickly approaches you, stroking your forehead and being careful not to graze the cut before turning to Amelia as they move to the exam room to have you scanned. "What happened?"

Although she is addressing the neurosurgeon, her eyes do not leave your figure, and her hand does not detach from yours.

"She lost control of the car and drove into a light pole, the airbags deployed, which caused her to have a massive nosebleed, and a head injury. She had a seizure episode before we brought her in."

Carina gasps as she hears the last sentence.

"Has she woken up since then?"

"No."

The Italian closes her eyes, aware that this is not a good sign and praying that you have not suffered more damage than she initially expected.

As they prepare you for the CT scan, Amelia and Carina being the only ones in the room, Carina decides to ask Amelia one of the questions that came to her mind as soon as she noticed the neurosurgeon standing next to you, slightly sweaty in the face and aware of all the information from your journey from the accident site to the hospital.

"Why were you with her in the ambulance?"

"She called me; she was afraid you would be upset about the car and didn't even want to go to the hospital. She said she would report us if we took her, I doubt she would have done that and I would have done it anyway but you know, Vic and Warren weren't too keen on taking the risk. And then he called me so that they wouldn't take her to the hospital and they wouldn't call you or Maya."

Carina shakes her head as she and Amelia tuck you inside the machine, before exiting the room.

"You idiot, I don't care about the car. All I care about is that she's okay."

"I know Carina, I tried to reason with her and then...well, she had the fit. It will be fine Carina, she is a fighter. She will come back to you. She loves you too much to leave you."

Carina nods, chasing back tears as she looks at the monitors in front of her, waiting for the results of your CT scan.

The Italian gasps as she feels two powerful arms embrace her and hold her close.

"It will be okay love, Warren told me what happened. She will be fine, otherwise how could we give her a good telling off for how much she was considered?"

Maya kisses her wife's shoulder, also looking at the monitors despite not understanding anything written on them. They both sigh, looking at Amelia waiting for good news.

...........................................................................................

When you open your eyes, for the second time that day, you realize you've fucked up again. The cold white walls of the hospital room you are in are proof of that. You try to move your head to the side, to look around, but a twinge in your neck puts you off. You recognize Maya's warm grip in your right hand and the Italian's wavy hair caressing your stomach as the latter sleeps peacefully.

You give the fireman's hand a squeeze and a gentle caress to the Italian's face. Carina wakes up, crinkling her eyes and looking at you surprised, happy and worried at the same time.

"Bella, how are you feeling? Are you okay? I'll call Amelia..."

Carina speaks frantically, not even realizing she is speaking in Italian, and as she reaches toward the button to call the nurses, to the right of your bed, you fuss her wrist, turning a smile to her.

"I'm fine and before you call anyone else I...I have to tell you how sorry I am Carina. I'm so fucking sorry. I know how much you cared about that car and I'm so sorry, I wanted to try to fix it before you knew it...although I don't know if it can be fixed and-"

Carina hears the beeping sound getting louder and louder; she turns to the monitors and when she sees how fast you are breathing and your heart rate, she knows you are having a panic attack.

"Bella, love, it's okay. It's okay love, I'm not mad. I don't care about a stupid car, Andrea will always stay in my heart; I care about you, Bella. The car will buy back but you worth more than anything, do you understand?"

You keep breathing fast; the throbbing pain in your head does not allow you to think clearly, and unfortunately, Carina's words come to you so muffled that they have no effect on you.

The chaos around you makes Maya suddenly wake up; it takes the blond firefighter a few seconds to figure out what is going on and to join his wife in trying to drag you out of the panic attack.

The blond climbs onto the bed, sitting right behind you and holding you in her arms despite you trying with all your might to free yourself. Carina, on the other hand, kneels in front of you, taking your hands in her own.

"It's okay love, it's okay. Breathe, listen to my heartbeat" Maya whispers in your ear, leaving a kiss on your cheek.

"Follow my breath Bella; that's it, good, keep it up."

In less than ten minutes, the incessant sound that resonated in the hospital room is replaced by a soft, steady BIP. Your chest hurts and you rub it hard, to ease your pain, before a hand forces you to stop.

"Hey, hey, you're going to hurt yourself if you keep this up. Do you want me to call a nurse to give you something?"

You nod, closing your eyes and waiting for the nurse to arrive. Carina reaches out to press the button before immediately returning to hold your hands. Maya continues to leave kisses on your neck and face as you continue to keep your eyes closed.

Contrary to what you expected, it is not a nurse who enters the room but Amelia.

"Hey rock star, you're awake. What's wrong? Do you have a headache? Dizziness?"

You nod, opening your eyes and looking into her eyes. A small smile ripples your lips as your best friend walks over to your bed and hugs you.

"You had me worried idiot."

The neurosurgeon pulls away from the hug before giving you a weak punch on your right arm.

"I'm sorry."

Amelia shakes her head as she sticks something into your IV.

"This is a painkiller, not too strong but it should ease your pain. Call me if there is any problem. I'll be back later to check how your head is; I know you have a hard head but it's always best to be cautious."

Before you can even insult her for the joke she just made, Amelia sneers her way out of the room.

"What an idiot," you shake your head, rolling your eyes. Your body begins to relax as the medication kicks in.

"So will you tell us why you didn't go to the hospital right away? You know how dangerous a head injury can be and you still decided to not go to the hospital right away. It was stupid and reckless and you can't, you CANNOT do that with your health. Ever again."

Maya looks at you sternly, with her ‘’Captain's look’’, as you and Carina call it.

"I'm sorry Maya, I know you are angry and I understand why but my only thought was only the car and the fact that I had destroyed one of the things Andrew had given Carina."

Maya holds you close and Carina joins your embrace.

"No physical thing or not, none, will ever be worth as much as your life y/n. And don't ever have a seizure over it again, am I clear? A car will never be worth as much as you are to you and me, ever. I don't care if I have to throw it away, I don't care if I have to buy another one. I care about you and your health so don't ever pull that crap again because if you had the crisis while you were alone, at home, after getting dropped off there, then it could have ended really badly and I, we, need you to understand that Bella."

Carina strokes your face gently; some tears line her face and you promptly wipe them away. Maya leaves a kiss on your cheek, holding you close.

"Car is right love, you really scared us today and when I think about the fact that we could have lost you I..." Maya shakes her head, her voice breaking and you turn to her, pulling her into a kiss.

"I'm sorry Maya, I'm so sorry I...I won't do it again."

You hug and hold each other tightly, you know you fucked up but now that Carina has calmed you down the relief you feel is priceless; therefore, you enjoy the embrace and that warmth you love so much as the medication slips you back into sleep.

Thank you so much for reading! Sorry, I know it is not the best so excuse me… I will try to improve. Have a great day!

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[benimadimsanat]

[maggiesawyer]

Grey's Anatomy 16x14 | Station 19 7x10

[delusionalfanficwriter]

accident

The morning sun cast a soft glow over the streets of Seattle as Y/N drove to her training session for USWNT. The familiar scent of coffee filled the air, but her mind was focused on the upcoming game and the challenges that lay ahead. As she approached an intersection, the traffic light turned red, forcing her to come to a stop.

Just as the light turned green, Y/N accelerated, her mind still occupied with thoughts of tactics and strategy for the game. The intersection was busy, cars moving in various directions. However, in the blink of an eye, a distracted driver ran a red light, colliding with Y/N's car from the side.

The impact sent Y/N's car spinning, metal crunching against metal. The sudden jolt left her disoriented, the world spinning around her. As the chaos unfolded, she heard the distant wail of sirens, and through the haze, she saw the familiar faces of Maya hopping out of the fire truck and the Station 19 team rushing to the scene before her eyes started to close shut. 

Maya takes in the scene,  her eyes fall on the license plate number she has seen dozens of times. Her mind jumps to y/n, who she knows is in Seattle for the game coming up later in the week. The y/n who she and Carina took under their wing after she showed up several times to clinic days. They opened their home for her until she was steady enough to be on her own and when she isn’t with USWNT she is home in the UK playing for Arsenal. 

Panic and concern etched across her face, as she sprinted towards Y/N's car. Reaching the damaged vehicle, she instantly saw y/n out cold. Reaching for the door handle, it wouldn’t budge. “Fuck! Guys it’s y/n. We need the jaws of life to remove the door and maybe even windshield for more access.” Travis went to grab it as Warren and Andy came with the med bag as they were on Aid car 19. “Y/n, I’m not sure if you can hear me but I need you to try to open your eyes. It’s Maya. You are going to be okay.”

Maya makes the decision to break the backseat window and enter through there before crawling front to the passenger seat. Andy did the same but remained behind y/n as she helped stabilize her neck with a c-collar after Maya checked for a pulse. 

With all the hands touching her, y/n started to stir awake, moaning in pain. “Shhh. Y/n, it’s going to be okay, just try to remain still for us.”

Hearing the familiar voice, y/n turned her head as much as possible with the collar on to the source. “Cap…” She whispered.

“Hey there, kiddo. You took quite a big hit. Andy and I are in the car with you. Can you tell me if you are in pain and where?” Maya scans over y/n as y/n thinks the question through. 

“Um. My head is pounding and the light makes it worse. Chest might be bruised… Maya…” y/n’s facial expression changes into a panicked one. 

“Y/n, what’s wrong?... Y/n talk to me…”

“...legs… I- I can’t feel my legs. Maya- no no…” Y/n begins to spiral as realization hits her. 

“Y/n, I need you to listen to me and breathe. We will figure it out but don’t focus on that right now. I need you to get your breathing under control.”

Warren assisted Travis in preparing the jaws of life while Maya focused on Y/N's immediate needs. Andy opened the med bag, retrieving equipment to monitor vital signs. 

"Y/N, I need you to stay with me. Andy's going to monitor your vital signs, and we'll make sure you're as comfortable as possible," Maya explained, her voice a steady presence in the chaos. “Nice deep breaths.”

Andy secured an IV line, administering fluids to address potential shock. Maya continued to assess Y/N's chest and abdomen, searching for any signs of internal injuries. 

"Good job, Andy. Let's keep an eye on those vitals. Y/N, I need you to let me know if anything feels off or if the pain increases," Maya directed, her focus unwavering. “Y/n pay attention to me. Eyes on me. We will worry about your legs when we pull you out.”

“Cap, my legs are everything. You know that.”

“I know, Y/n, I promise I know.” Maya is reminded of how soccer saved Y/N life and helped lift her from her rough past. 

As Maya reassured Y/N, the situation took a dire turn. A faint hissing sound emerged from beneath the wreckage, followed by the acrid smell of gas. Maya's heart sank as she realized the danger they were in.

"Warren, Travis, we've got a gas leak! We need to get Y/N out of here, now!" Maya's voice cut through the chaos, urgency evident in every word. With adrenaline coursing through their veins, the team intensified their efforts.

Travis and Warren redoubled their efforts with the jaws of life, while Andy swiftly prepared Y/N for extraction, mindful of the looming threat of fire. Maya coordinated the rescue operation with precision, her training kicking in as she assessed the risks and devised a plan.

Suddenly, a spark ignited the volatile atmosphere, and flames erupted, engulfing the front of the car. Time seemed to slow as panic surged through the team. Without hesitation, Maya made a split-second decision.

"Grab Y/N, we're getting her out, now!" Maya commanded, her voice unwavering despite the inferno raging around them. With synchronized movements, Andy and Maya carefully lifted Y/N, their actions swift yet deliberate.

“Stop it-it hurts! Maya, stop!” Y/n screamed and cried as her body was hastily carried out of the vehicle. 

“I’m sorry, Y/n but we need to leave now!” Maya screamed over the chaos. As they lifted y/n out and placed her on the stretcher, they ran as Vic and Jack foamed over the gas leak. 

“Leah… I was on a call with Leah before.” Y/n suddenly remembered having her girlfriend on the other end of the line before the crash. 

“Don’t worry, I will call her, right now.” Maya climbed into the back of the ambulance, her eyes never leaving Y/N. "You're doing great, Y/N. We're right here with you," she said, her voice filled with reassurance.

Andy followed suit, bringing the medical bag and equipment into the confined space of the ambulance. Y/N's eyes darted between Maya and Andy, seeking comfort in their familiar faces amidst the uncertainty.

“Speaking of the devil, Leah is facetiming me.” Maya says unlocking her phone but as the ambulance doors closed, Y/N's panic resurfaces. The confined space and the realization of the severity of the situation weighed heavily on her. "Maya, I can't... I can't breathe. It's too much," Y/N gasped, her chest rising and falling rapidly.

Maya quickly grabbed an oxygen mask from the medical bag. "Y/N, slow your breathing. This will help," she said, placing the mask gently over Y/N's face. "Deep breaths. In and out."

“What’s happening? Maya what happened to Y/n?!” Leah yelled through the phone panicked by Y/n’s panic. 

“Y/n look who I have on the phone, wanting to see you.” Maya tries to distract the woman in front of her. Y/n pauses for a second to see her blurred girlfriend on the screen.

“Baby, you’re going to be okay, Maya is with you and I am sure Carina will meet you in the hospital. I’ll be on the next plane over.” Leah reassured y/n. 

“Leahhh,” Y/n cried. “I can’t - can’t feel my legs. I’m so scared.” Leah pauses and a panic look crosses over her eye but she tries to remain as calm as possible. 

“Wait until the doctor’s check you out, it could just be from slight inflammation. Just focus on what Maya says. She is with you and looks like Andy is there too. You are gonna be fine, baby just remain calm.” 

“Leah, we are pulling into the ambulance bay in a minute so I am going to hang up and get her sorted for the medical staff. I’ll call you back as soon as I can.” Maya tells Leah knowing how protective she is of her girlfriend. With that Leah gives another word of love to Y/n before canceling the call. 

“I texted Carina as well, I am not sure if she’s in surgery or not but she’ll come to find us once she sees it.” Maya informs y/n knowing she is able to calm down more when Carina is around. “We are almost there, but it’s going to get chaotic. Just breathe, it’ll be alright.” 

The ambulance pulls up and doors open to reveal Amelia, Bailey, Kepner, Teddy, and Carina. 

“What do we have?” Bailey starts.

“23 year old female in a MVC, airbags deployed, head laceration, possible spinal injury, she says she can’t feel her legs. C-spine precaution taken. Y/n had two panic attacks already and is in pain but no pain meds given as unknown head trauma...” Andy trails off. 

“Alright, trauma 2.”

Y/n is rolled in as everyone takes on a role and several hands are trying to assess her injuries to the full extent. Y/n takes her deep breaths as she reminds herself they are here to help her. 

In the entrance of the room Maya whispers to Carina, “Carina, she said she can’t feel her legs. I tried to stay calm for her but it’s never good. She was freaking out…” 

A loud groan of pain takes them out of their moment as they see they have turned y/n on her side to check her back before placing her back down. Amelia does a head work up and then moves down to y/n’s legs. Carina steps closer to y/n for support as Amelia asks her if she can feel her touching her feet. 

“I can’t feel it.” Amelia moves up the leg and to the knee. “Nothing.” Amelia moves mid-thigh. “I barely feel that.”

“Okay, don’t worry, we will get a CT scan and check you out. Might just be inflammation on the spine that will go away.” Amelia reassured the girl Carina took under her wing. 

“And what if it doesn’t,” Y/n asks the question she knows the answer to. 

“Let’s see what the scans say and we will take it from there.” Amelia places her hand on Y/n’s hand but she pulls away. 

“I’m going to be sick.” With that, y/n turns her body as much as possible and only dry heaves. 

“Bambina, you are stressing yourself out. I know you are worried about playing soccer, hell even walking but one thing at a time. You can’t think of what ifs. I am here now. I will make sure things are in order. Maya and I will be there for you every step of the way. I am going to need you to practice the breathing exercises. I don’t want them to sedate you but if your panic gets in the way…”

“No, no I promise.” Y/n cuts her off and closes her eyes trying to regulate her breathing. The team talks to her about the next steps of imaging and makes her a priority case.

[wandamaximommy22]

drinking game to play while watching greys

take a shot every time they say

1) seriously

2) fistulas

3) mcdreamy

4) mcsteamy

5) round of epi

6) time of death

7) it’s a beautiful day to save lives

8) you’re my person

i can guarantee you will be absolutely hammered within the first few minutes

[gabriela-dawson]

[swiftiesbuddie]

damn, this year is a complete win for the bisexuals 🩷💜💙

[babyjapril]

Grey's anatomy + lgbt+ characters

[mayabishopgold]

She has temporary privileges to stop watching ladies mastսrbatе and to help pull babies out of people. Carina DeLuca | Grey's Anatomy - 14x08

[five-bi-five-mind]

Too Soft

Fandom: Station 19/Grey’s Anatomy

Pairing: Carina DeLuca x female!reader

Genre: Hurt & Comfort, Angst, Smut

Words: 6.3k+

Summary: Carina is not coping well with the loss of her brother. She’s barely sleeping or eating and she refuses to let you comfort her. All she wants is some sense of control to come back into her life and all you can think is to offer her whatever she needs, no matter what that sense of control may look like.

Warnings: talk of grief; loss of family member; mention of canon character death; rough sex; semi-angry sex; fingering (r receiving); biting; marking; multiple orgasms; overstimulation

A/N: I do not know where this even came from but uh… here y’all go. Idk honestly how I feel about this one lol

This was a new dynamic. Never had you not been soft with each other. Ever since you met, that’s how your relationship went. It’s what you both needed, you were a trauma nurse and she was an OB. Two different things in a sense, sure, but both of you often saw hard situations. Not every patient was a breeze, there was so much struggle, so much loss, even in both cases.

So when you two met you needed softness and she gave it to you. She needed softness too, after all. So your love was gentle and tender. It always had been from the start. The way you both fell in love was fast, but in so many ways you two also took your time. Carina cherished you in every single moment she spent with you and you tried to reciprocate that. With every touch, you could see just how much appreciation she had for every single part of you and with every kiss, you tried to show her just how all-encompassing your love for her was. 

In the year and a half that you two had been together, that feeling was consistent between the two of you. There were hard days, just like everyone else, but you two would talk through it and fall into bed in each other’s arms by the end of every evening. But when things suddenly changed for Carina, you were floundering. 

It was all so sudden. A whirlwind incident that ended in unexpected tragedy for your girlfriend. Carina lost her brother and as a result, you had somehow lost her. She stayed with you, it wasn’t that you physically lost her. It was just that she had suddenly become so emotionally shut off. Although, as she skulked around the apartment looking half alive, you sometimes felt like you lost her physically too. But, for the most part, it was on an emotional level that Carina was just… absent. 

You didn’t expect her to bounce back right away, of course. Grieving takes time and you understood that quite well. But then one month turned into two and then three and then four and suddenly you were rounding on five months of sharing a home with a husk of the woman you loved. In all of this, you tried your best to help too. You begged and pleaded to do anything to assist her in her grieving process. If she wanted space, you’d give it. If she wanted you, she could have it. Whatever she could possibly need you’d make sure she got. Except, she would just shrug off any of your offered comfort and help. It happened so often as the days went on that eventually the only thing you could do was back off.

And that’s where the dynamic got messier. If you backed off, she would come looking for you. Telling you she didn’t want space, so why were you giving it to her when you asked and she said no? Maybe she was picking a fight on purpose, but you’d never let it get to the point of yelling. You’d just sigh and agree to stay with her, but when that happened she couldn’t look you in the eye. She wanted you near– at least that’s what she said, but any time you simply sat next to her it was like you were doing it wrong. You didn’t know how to fix that or how to be near her in the way she wanted.

It wasn’t even this new, uncomfortable dynamic that made things the hardest. No, it was the way Carina just was. Seeing her, this incredibly strong woman, seem so broken. It broke you too. She was hurting to the extent that it felt like the woman you once knew would never come back. Carina was always your advocate for self-care when you had a hard day, but she wasn’t following any of her own advice. 

When was the last time she even really slept? You often caught her in the weirdest places, curled up on the floor, staring blankly, rather than resting or even crying. It was scaring you. For a few weeks this behavior was understandable, you told yourself it would pass and you’d let her do what she needed as she grieved. But now it’s been months and the sleep deprivation had to have been hurting her on a physical level too. Not to mention the fact that she barely ate now. She was looking quite literally dead on her feet and the absent look in her eye was making it harder and harder for you to stay silent to her grieving process.

You tried to tell the people around her, tried to ask them about what to do, but many didn’t have much to say. We all grieve differently, she just lost her brother, or it takes time were the three most common phrases you were met with. At first you agreed, but now you were getting sick of hearing it. It wasn’t that you were impatient to have your girlfriend back or that you couldn’t handle caring for her in her time of grieving, it was that your concern for her was causing you to be literally worried sick.

The final straw to break your silence happened when you woke up to the other side of the bed cold and empty at the late hour of one in the morning. You had told Carina you would really like it if she came to bed not too long after you and pleaded with her to actually join you for once. Not for anything but rest, of course, but still you just wanted to have her next to you again. She had half acknowledged you and you sighed, but took that for now as you trudged off to bed. Randomly, you had woken up to reach for Carina, only for your hand to hit the mattress. Why you had hoped that tonight she would finally try to get a proper amount of sleep in the bed you shared, you weren’t sure. Regardless, it was the breaking point for you. 

You threw the covers off of you, creeped down the hall of your apartment, and saw the bathroom door was cracked with the light on. Gently, you opened the door and stepped in to find where Carina was hiding. What you saw was a new sight: Carina curled up on the shower floor, fully clothed with the shower off and completely dry.

“Carina?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, trying to be as gentle as possible as you knelt down in front of her. “Carina, what are you doing in here?”

She didn’t answer. Her tired eyes just flicked up to you before dropping back down. You watched as she hugged her knees tighter to her chest and you sighed. “Carina, come on,” you reached out for her. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“No,” she shook her head. “No, no…”

“Carina–”

“Everything,” she mumbled. “Everything is just too– It’s too soft.”

“Okay…” Your voice was hesitant, questioning. You didn’t want to judge her. If this was still part of her grieving process you’d ride it out with her, but it was tiptoeing into unhealthy territory. She hasn’t slept, she’s barely ate, there was a growing dread in your stomach whenever she passed you in the hall, eyes devoid of any emotion, her face stuck twisted in that pained expression she’s kept on for weeks. You were worried she was going to exhaust herself to death, that her lack of sleep and energy would see her collapsing if she tried to work, or do anything really. On top of that, she was carrying so much of this blame and loss inside herself, even if what happened to her brother was by no means her fault. It was too much for her, she wasn’t able to let it out. She was grieving, sure, but was she actually processing it all? Your heart ached to help, but you felt powerless. There was no way to take on her pain if she didn’t let you.

“I- I can’t just be comfortable. If I’m comfortable, I’ll cry and I’ve been crying for weeks. I can’t cry anymore. I-” Carina’s voice broke and she cut herself off, shaking her head hard. “No. No, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Carina…” You scooted closer to her, your hands slipping into her own. “Please,” you urged. She needed some of this off her shoulders, she needed to let herself rest. 

“I’m sorry, bambina.” Carina’s hands slowly withdrew from yours and you knew she saw the hurt look in your eyes. You couldn’t stop yourself. Maybe it was selfish, but you wanted some of her back. An ounce of contact that told you she would come back to you. She could grieve all she wanted, for as long as it took, as long as it wasn’t forever. But there was a fear in you, one that said maybe she would never forgive herself, even if it wasn’t her fault. If she didn’t forgive herself, you didn’t think you’d ever see Carina’s bright smile again. The thought shook you to your core. “It’s too soft.”

Those words cracked at your heart. There had to be something, anything you could do. If she can’t handle soft, what can she handle? All you knew was how to be gentle with her, the way she always is with you. “We need to take some of this blame off you,” you begged. “What can we– What can I do? Blame me, you can blame me. Just anything, Carina, please.” 

Carina was continuously shaking her head, her eyes glistening with tears she refused to shed. “No, it’s not about blame. It’s not that. I’m angry, bambina. Not at you, not at anyone, not even at myself, but at the world. I don’t understand it– I don’t know how to stop this feeling. I feel like my emotions are out of control, everything is slipping through my fingers. Everything feels out of control. Bambina, you can’t help.”

“What can then?” You weren’t going to give up on this. Right here, right now, you were going to do whatever you could to alleviate some of this from Carina. If you didn’t find a way tonight, something told you, you’d never get the Carina you once knew back. “Things feel out of control, right? What can we do to get some back? I’ll do anything you need, just name it.” 

Carina kept shaking her head, rubbing at her eyes angrily to fight off the tears she didn’t want to shed. “I don’t want to take what I’m feeling out on you, bambina.” Her eyes squeezed shut for a moment as she took a deep breath. “That’s not healthy.” 

“And this is?” You didn’t mean to raise your voice, but you were at your wit’s end. “Does this look healthy? You haven’t slept for days and you’re curled up on the bathroom floor for god’s sake!” 

Carina didn’t say anything to that. Her eyes fell and her face went practically emotionless. All that did was build up your frustration more. Not at her, but at everything. At your powerlessness to help her. At the fact that she lost someone who meant so much to her. At how unfair the world was to the woman who deserved the best. 

“Carina,” you continued, “you want control then we’re going to get some back. This—“ you motioned to where she was curled up on the shower floor, “—is not good for you. Take your control back, even if it’s in a small aspect. Just take it.”

Your eyes burned from frustration tears threatening to spill, but this wasn’t about you. You wouldn’t allow yourself to cry. Not when you knew you needed to give Carina that space to do so. “Give me this blame, put the anger on me. Just do it for now. All I’m asking is that for tonight you just try.” 

Carina looked back up at you now. You could see from the look on her face that she was seriously taking in everything you were saying. In her mind, she was calculating what her next move was. She so desperately wanted you in her arms, but one moment of gentleness would surely make her break apart all over again and she was struggling to put those pieces back together on her own.

She did want to feel in control. She wanted to get back to the place she was in when she first met you. Where she could be your comforting and strong girlfriend, the one who was soft only for you. Now, anything remotely soft set her off and she found herself wallowing, not just in grief, but in self loathing too. Carina’s emotions were so scattered, she didn’t know if she could ever control them enough to be what she once was for you again. That thought alone terrified her just as much as it did you. 

But she had to try, right? For you at least. If she couldn’t hold you like she wanted to, then she could do the alternative. Something inside her told her, if she did touch you in some way– in any sort of way, it would ground her. It might even mend a small piece of her. It couldn’t be soft; she couldn’t handle soft. But here you were, telling her to take it out on you, even if it’s just for one night. Her mind argued with itself. One side was trying to give in to everything you were saying and the other was wary of being anything other than gentle and loving to you. Though, after a moment, her decision was made.

“Meet me in the bedroom,” Carina’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Carina, what…” You trailed off, your eyes searching hers for some sort of answer. You said you wanted to do whatever it took to make her feel better, but you didn’t expect that response.

“Please.”

That was all you needed to hear to let any question you had on the tip of your tongue die. Without another second of hesitation you stood up. Carina didn’t immediately do the same, but she told you to meet her in the bedroom and that was what you were going to do. You walked out the bathroom without saying much more. What would you even say? The confusion was pretty clear in your eyes when you looked back at Carina after she made her request. You figured you’d learn what her intentions were in due time. Whatever it was, you weren’t going to go back on your word.

You sat yourself on the edge of the bed you shared and waited anxiously, picking at an invisible piece of fuzz as you waited for Carina to come in. She took a moment before she followed you. When she stood up from where she had curled up in the shower to look herself over in the mirror, she finally saw just how wrecked she really looked.

Before she followed you in, she decided to take a moment to clean herself up. Splashing water on her face to wash away the few dried tears that had shed helped a little, but she still looked exhausted. Her skin was more pale than she had ever seen it, and she could tell from the dark circles under her eyes that she was severely lacking a good night’s rest. Still, that wasn’t going to happen any time soon. At least maybe what she had planned to try with you might make that seem a little more attainable, but she had doubts. 

Carina didn’t even know if you’d accept what she was planning. She knew you meant it when you said you’d take on whatever pain she was willing to unburden herself with, but she still was unsure about this. She just really needed some sense of control and somewhere in her grief-warped mind she thought if she could have an ounce of control over you then maybe she’d be able to grapple with some sort of control over her emotions. At the very least, it would give her a chance to have her hands on you in a way that wasn’t too soft for her.

Slipping her clothes off and pulling on her bathrobe, she took one more look at herself in the mirror. This wasn’t exactly the alluring look she wanted, but that wasn’t what she was going for. She nodded to herself, trying to keep a grip on her resolve to try this before she chickened out and ran back to her not-so-cozy corner of the shower. Creeping up to the bedroom, she peaked in to see that you were still perched nervously on the edge. Her heart ached for the anxiety and confusion she knew she was causing in you, but she didn’t really know how to stop herself from causing that either. Maybe, just maybe, after tonight some of this pain would ease for the both of you. It was worth a shot, even if Carina highly doubted it. 

“Bambina.” Carina’s voice broke through the uncomfortable silence you were sitting in. Your head immediately snapped up to see her standing in the doorway. 

She took one step towards you, then two and you felt yourself getting more anxious by the second. At the moment you saw her standing there in her robe, you began to piece together what she had in mind; what she was going to ask of you. There were so many nights when you’d make love to Carina, each one full of tenderness and love. While there might be love in what was going to transpire tonight, you knew the tenderness would not be there. Control, that’s what she needed. Maybe you weren’t exactly able to picture how she would gain that from what she was planning, but you could imagine it wasn’t going to be gentle love making like it used to be. 

“Lay back on the bed.” Carina’s voice wasn’t demanding. It wasn’t harsh or cruel either. If anything it sounded a tad unsure. But still, when you followed her direction and she watched as you scooted yourself up onto the bed, you saw a flash of appreciation in her eyes. You weren’t going to question her actions, which took some of her tension and unease away. Whatever she was going to ask, you were going to give. Even if you were a little unsure about this shift in dynamics between the two of you, you were still willing to be true to your word. 

She took a few steps into the room, watching as you reclined on the bed. Something inside her shifted in that moment. As she saw you lay on the bed for her, waiting for her to do whatever she had in store, it was like a switch flipped. Suddenly, she felt that rush of control she so miserably searched within herself for. She hadn’t even done anything yet and the feeling was already flooding her entire body like a drug. 

When she was finally at the bed, she reached out her hands and yanked up your shirt. You helped her get it off you as best you could before you laid back down. It was awkward and you were struggling, but Carina didn’t seem to care much. That act alone was rougher than she ever was undressing you, but you still didn’t say anything.

Carina paused as she looked down at your naked chest. You were already breathing hard, just waiting for her to make a move. Finally, she reached out again and slowly dragged her nails down your body. Your head craned up to watch what she was doing and when her eyes met yours, you shivered at the look she gave you. Her pupils were blown as she stared you down. It was like she was in a trance, watching as five angry, red lines appeared in the wake of her nails on your skin. 

You swallowed hard as Carina grabbed ahold of your pajama pants and yanked them down just as hard as she had pulled off your shirt. Now, you were completely bare in front of her and your anxiety was getting the best of you. It had been a little while since you let Carina see you like this. Even if she had seen you naked so many times before, this time was different. She was different now. Not that she wasn’t still your Carina. She was, it’s just that she also felt somewhat like a stranger. 

But you shook that feeling off quickly when you felt the mattress dip by your feet. Carina slowly crawled over your bare body, her knees stopping and resting at either side of your waist. You tried to take a few deep, grounding breaths as Carina continued her earlier actions with her hands, scratching down your bare sides slowly and leaving marks along the way. It wasn’t hard enough for those marks to linger, but it was still an act you weren’t used to. 

After a moment, Carina leaned down and her lips finally met yours. It felt like home and unfamiliar territory all at once. She felt like Carina, tasted like Carina, but the way she was kissing you was very much not like Carina. The kiss was slow, but not very gentle. She was claiming your mouth with her kiss, rather than the usual feeling she brought when kissing you. When she kissed you in the past, it felt like she got lost in the kiss you shared, but this time it felt like she was dominating it. This was about control after all, you thought as you did your best to keep up with the way she kissed you.

Her tongue licked into your mouth and you groaned, your hands moving up to grab onto her sides. The feeling of her silky robe rubbing against your bare skin was a disjointed feeling, but you tried to ignore it and do your best to keep up with her kiss. If you were being honest with yourself, this side of Carina, the controlling take-what-she-wants kind of side, wasn’t all bad. To be truthful, it was turning you on. Teeth dug into your bottom lip and pulled. Despite the gasp that escaped from you, the act, even though painful, sent a rush that landed straight between your legs. 

The entire time Carina was kissing you, all she felt was a sense of peace. She wasn’t being gentle, sure, so that feeling definitely contradicted what she felt inside. But the more contact she had with you, the more she realized this really was exactly what she needed. It was like instant gratification, the way you responded to her command and her every touch. She felt that control and she was drunk on it. It was like, with this new feeling, all the others felt more muted. Not completely away, but enough that she could ignore them. Eventually, as she kept kissing you, all the tumultuous emotions she had been battling completely muted. There was only Carina and you and nothing could get in the way of Carina’s plans for you. That thought alone sent a shiver down her spine. 

When she bit a little too hard on your lip, the yelp you let out broke her partially free from her power trip. She pulled back and paused as she looked down at you, her chest heaving. The look in her eye was something you hadn’t ever seen from Carina before. It was almost calm. Almost. But it was more like the calm before the storm. Like you knew that whatever was coming was going to be hard for Carina to reign in if you asked for her to stop. Your knuckles tensed as your hands kept their grip on her sides. Whatever she had planned truly wouldn’t be what you were used to with her, there would be no softness.  You knew that when you offered, so while you waited for her to make her move, you mentally prepared yourself to truly give her full control.

“Bambina, are you sure?” She asked, her voice low. Her hand moved to your face, cupping your chin gently. It would be the last moment of softness you’d get from her for a while. 

“Yes,” you whispered, nervousness clear in your voice. You swallowed hard again when she saw your hesitation and tried your best to sound more sure. “Yes, I’m sure. Whatever you need… take.” 

Carina only nodded before sitting up and pulling at the tie to her robe. When she was free of it, she dropped the robe on the floor and practically rolled her entire body against yours. 

“Mio dio,” she groaned to herself as she dragged her bare body against yours. This was the feeling she was missing so much. She kept herself from it in fear of breaking apart yet again, but you were presenting her with an opportunity to chase the feelings she needed while also avoiding the ones she couldn’t handle right now. “I’ve missed this so much.” 

Your groan matched hers and your head fell back onto the pillow. Just the slight rock of her hips against yours was enough to get you wet. It had been so long since she touched you and the way she was touching you now was so different that it was doing unexpected things to you. “U-uh huh,” you mumbled as Carina kept rocking her whole body into yours. Her hands moved to your hips and one of her legs moved until it was slotted between your legs. You felt the pressure on your clit the minute she did that, her bare thigh grinding hard into you. 

Your teeth sunk into your own lip when she steadily rocked into you. Trying to mirror what she was doing to you, you propped your own knee up and felt your breath hitch when her own wetness met your naked thigh. The sounds of skin against skin and both of you panting echoed in the room. Carina’s nails were digging so hard into your sides that you knew this time, those red marks wouldn’t go away so easily. Your hands were on her back, grabbing onto her for dear life as she kept rocking her own thigh into your clit and building up a delicious friction that you hadn’t felt in months. 

All too soon, though, Carina pulled away. Sitting up for a moment, her fingers danced down your stomach until they reached between your legs, where she fully cupped your pussy. “When you cum tonight, it will be because I told you to,” Carina ordered. “Do you understand, bambina?” 

You nodded your head vigorously, but Carina didn’t make any move to continue. 

“I need you to say it,” she snapped. Her tone shocked you slightly, but you knew it wasn’t anger. It was all part of tonight, part of the control she needed.

“I understand,” you murmured and Carina gave you a satisfied nod. 

“I’m not going to be gentle,” she warned as she sat back on her knees between your legs. Her fingers traced light circles on your clit. “But I need you to do this for me.”

“A-anything you want, Carina.” Your eyes met hers and the look she wore now was nothing but pure hunger. 

With that Carina’s fingers moved down and circled your entrance. You tried to brace yourself, you really did, but nothing prepared you for the moment she pushed two fingers into you with such force until she was knuckle deep. A pathetic moan broke free from your lips, but Carina didn’t miss a beat. Each pump of her fingers was unforgiving. She put all the power she could into it, watching in awe as they slipped in and out of you. In this moment, as she sat between your legs and fucked her fingers into you with as much force and pent up anger she could put into it, she felt that pure control she was chasing intensify even more. 

Your body was shaking and you were panting as you laid there and took her fingers with your legs spread open. Without warning, Carina slipped a third finger in you and you cried out. In that moment, Carina moved so that her body was back on top of your own. With each thrust of her fingers, she put her whole body into it. The way she was hitting so deep inside you and stretching you out almost burned, but it was a pleasurable burn. You couldn’t stop the cries that left your lips when all three of her fingers curled inside you and she quickened her pace. 

The whole bed rocked with both of your bodies and your legs began to really shake. Carina’s teeth clamped down on your nipple and tugged hard. Not enough to break skin, but enough to have you shudder in pain that was quickly forgotten with a particularly hard pump of her three fingers inside you. 

Pretty soon, Carina could feel the signs that told her you were close. “No, no, no, bambina,” Carina cooed against the bare skin of your breast. “You’re not going to cum now. You don’t get to cum now.” 

“Carina, I don’t think—“ 

“Shhh, aspettami. Wait, bambina,” she growled. “Wait for me.” She pulled her fingers out then and you practically cried as the feeling of your impending orgasm suddenly faded. “I know, mia cara, I know.”

Carina placed kisses on either of your breasts before leaning back up to kiss your lips. Your lips immediately parted for her as your hands tried to pull her closer to your body. You needed more contact, you were so close before she pulled away. But still, Carina was in control, and she wasn’t going to give into your needy grabbing and pleading. 

She pulled away after a moment to sit up on the bed and you leaned up on your elbows to watch her. The look you gave her must’ve been pathetic because she looked back at you with a knowing smile. One that was classic Carina, a flash of the old her that you hadn’t seen in so long. 

You were so taken aback by it that you didn’t really pay attention to Carina for a moment. She moved until she was sitting at the head of the bed, leaning back against the headboard. 

“On my lap,” she said as she turned to look at you. “You’re going to ride me until you make yourself cum.” She patted her lap for emphasis and you looked down at her hands before looking back up at her. 

You hesitated, a little daunted by this new position she was asking of you. To ride her was one thing, but to get off on her yourself was a whole other. 

“Now,” Carina ordered and you immediately crawled to her. 

Straddling her waist until you were somewhat comfortably situated, you braced yourself on her shoulders. “Is this okay?” You asked nervously as you shifted on top of her. 

“Yes, good, bambina.” Carina’s hand moved down your body and between your legs again. The way her fingers brushed against your clit made you shiver from how sensitive and keyed up you still were. “You’re going to fuck yourself on my fingers, okay?”

You nodded, finding it hard to vocalize anything when you were so ready to feel her fill you again. Luckily, she accepted this and, yet again, you felt the same three fingers fill you. 

The fact that you had to get yourself off on her was one surprise; the fact that she was clearly insistent on stretching your pussy out with three fingers still was a whole other. Yet, Carina didn’t seem to mind the struggle in your face when you tried your best to grind down onto them. You grunted as you could feel the way your pussy was tightly wrapped around them, making it hard for you to take them in deep on your own.

Carina wrapped a strong arm around your back to hold you up firmly while you began to rock your hips into her. After a few minutes of you practically bouncing yourself up and down on her fingers, you began to feel that tantalizing pleasure again. It was only intensified by the way Carina had buried her face in your chest and placed bite mark after bite mark all over your tits. 

Pretty soon, the room was filled with sounds of your moans and Carina’s satisfied praises. You kept fucking yourself onto Carina’s fingers with abandon until finally you were at that edge again. Your whole body was tensing up and you were pulling Carina into you as close as possible. 

“Cum for me,” she ordered. “Cum now, bambina.” And you did with a low whine, coming all over her fingers. 

Before you could even come down, Carina was moving both her hands back down to your hips. With a hard grip, she kept you going, moving your body for you and pumping her fingers up into you now. Your nails dug into Carina’s bare skin and you cried out her name as your body quaked and another orgasm hit you the second she fucked her fingers up into you harder. 

Even then, she didn’t stop. Your whole body felt tense and overly sensitive, but still Carina threw you onto the mattress and followed behind. Landing knocked the wind out of you, even if you hadn’t caught your breath just yet from the two orgasms. Your head lulled back, but Carina kept pumping her fingers into your spent pussy. 

“Carina I— it’s too much. I can’t,” you cried. You wanted to give her all she needed, like you said you would, but everything felt too sensitive. Never had she pushed you through two orgasms back to back, only to try and push you through a third. 

“You can give me another,” Carina grunted into your ear as she kept fucking you. “You will cum for me again.”

You weren’t even trying to stop your whining and desperate moans at this point. Carina took one of your legs and pulled it over her waist, allowing her fingers to hit even deeper inside you. You felt spent and filled at the same time and it was all overwhelming you.

Your eyes rolled back and you whined Carina’s name as she pulled yet another orgasm from you. Still as your body shuddered and trembled, all Carina did was slow a little.

She was lost in her control over your body. This feeling, the feeling of making you cum, was the only positive feeling she’s had in so long. It was the only thing so far that quieted all her anger and guilt. Carina didn’t want to stop, she couldn’t stop. She needed to chase this feeling for as long as possible. 

“Carina, please.” Tears pricked at your eyes as she kept fucking into you. Again, she was rocking her whole body into yours as she fucked you. She was losing speed, but each pump of her fingers was still powerful. 

“One more,” She begged. “One more… please, just one more.” She didn’t stop as she pleaded with you, but you still nodded your head weakly. As much as your body felt like it was exceeding its limit, you wanted to give her all she asked for. 

With each time her fingers pumped into you up to the knuckle, your body shuddered. You definitely felt like you were being fucked raw by her, but still you took it. Meanwhile, Carina just had her face buried into your neck, placing kisses now where she once was biting.  

Finally, you came for a fourth time with a silent cry. Your chest was heaving and your body went totally limp under Carina and this time she actually slowed to a stop. Yet, her body remained on top of yours. 

It was after a moment of trying to collect yourself that you finally noticed the way Carina shook on top of you. You realized very quickly she was crying and you instinctively wrapped your arms around her waist. 

In all of that, as Carina was fucking you, she forgot just how good you felt. She missed you, she realized that as she had her lips on you and her arms around you. It wasn’t even that you went anywhere. No, you were by her side this whole time as she grieved. It was just that she was so lost in her grief that she might have been next to you physically, but emotionally she was just… gone. 

Now though, as she laid on top of you and shed tears she thought she was done shedding, she felt comfortable. Finally, she had felt an ounce of control. Maybe it was over you and it was given willingly, but it still helped bring back a part of her. If anything, it just helped her to stop spiraling in her inner turmoil at least for the night. 

After a moment, Carina pulled away and you immediately felt guilty. “Too soft,” you whispered. “I know, I know… I’m sorry.” 

“No,” Carina shook her head and cupped your cheek again. Tears glimmered in her eyes as her thumb rubbed gently against your skin. You couldn’t stop yourself from leaning into her touch that you missed so much. “No, bambina, it’s okay. I think I could use softness now.” 

You looked up at her with wide, hopeful eyes and in that very moment, Carina understood how much you were hurting for her too. “Will you hold me?” Carina’s question surprised you, but you didn’t miss a beat and eagerly nodded your agreement.

She rolled off you and you rolled your side, opening your arms for her. She turned into you and both of you wrapped around the other. Her hands held you tight and yours traced gentle circles along her bare skin. That night, she finally let you hold her as she cried. But this time she didn’t cry out of grief. No, instead she cried in relief as she felt some of the pieces inside her that had been broken since the loss of her brother finally start to come back together.

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[kelsgay]

i was a mess, she was put together. like apologies & flowers, like fucking in the shower, but all of the best things that i’ve ever known were like that.

[magicalstripedhorse]

They have my whole damn heart, okay

[benimadimsanat]

[maggiesawyer]

"I spend my whole life helping people"