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thinking about how Humans Are Space Orcs stories always talk about how indestructible humans are, our endurance, our ability to withstand common poisons, etc. and thats all well and good, its really fun to read, but it gets repetitive after a while because we aren't all like that.
And that got me thinking about why this trope is so common in the first place, and the conclusion I came to is actually kind of obvious if you think about it. Not everyone is allowed to go into space. This is true now, with the number of physical restrictions placed on astronauts (including height limits), but I imagine it's just as strict in some imaginary future where humans are first coming into contact with alien species. Because in that case there will definitely be military personnel alongside any possible diplomatic parties.
And I imagine that all interactions aliens have ever had up until this point have been with trained personnel. Even basic military troops conform to this standard, to some degree. So aliens meet us and they're shocked and horrified to discover that we have no obvious weaknesses, we're all either crazy smart or crazy strong (still always a little crazy, academia and war will do that to you), and not only that but we like, literally all the same height so there's no way to tell any of us apart.
And Humans Are Death Worlders stories spread throughout the galaxy. Years or decades or centuries of interspecies suspicion and hostilities preventing any alien from setting foot/claw/limb/appendage/etc. on Earth until slowly more beings are allowed to come through. And not just diplomats who keep to government buildings, but tourists. Exchange students. Temporary visitors granted permission to go wherever they please, so they go out in search of 'real terran culture' and what do they find?
Humans with innate heart defects that prevent them from drinking caffeine. Humans with chronic pain and chronic fatigue who lack the boundless endurance humans are supposedly famous for. Humans too tall or too short or too fat to be allowed into space. Humans who are so scared of the world they need to take pills just to function. Humans with IBS who can't stand spicy foods, capsaicin really is poison to them. Lactose intolerance and celiac disease, my god all the autoimmune disorders out there, humans who struggle to function because their own bodies fight them. Humans who bruise easily and take too long to heal. Humans who sustained one too many concussions and now struggle to talk and read and write. Humans who've had strokes. Humans who were born unable to talk or hear or speak, and humans who through some accident lost that ability later.
Aliens visit Earth, and do you know what they find? Humanity, in all its wholeness.
#humans are space orcs#humans in space#earth is a deathworld#earth is space australia#tagging this so that ppl can find it even though the space shit i write about always feels like its in direct opposition to all the pop tag#also my biggest pet peeve in all of writing - all writing. everywhere. not just in fanfic but books and tv and movies too - is when people#write off an injury by saying something like 'oh nothing bad just a couple of scratches some bruising and a minor concussion' like girl WHA#MiNOr ConCuSSioN is such an oxymoron and I hate it so fucking much. like i dont care how minor it was thats still brain damage.#especially when the same character does this more than once. like im sorry ms. but uh. you can no longer read. or talk eloquently. sorry#evidence: my brother has had two 'minor' concussions and now cannot read write or speak without tremendous effort. And like its totally#ruined my ability to watch action shows/movies because now i just sit there and count how many concussions there characters are getting#after a certain point it becomes totally impossible to believe that these guys are able to function. (still fun to watch tho im not a hater
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a sketch for @morningstarwrites again because i simply cannot get their fic out of my mind SOS
#to the person that was talking about how the harp scene had a chokehold on everyone#YES#i froth at the mouth for the harp chapter#harp encounter lives rent free in my mind#i cannot believe ive drawn it twice now#that being said#people who read the tags? yall should send me your favourit osas scenes#for *cough* for no reason#no reason at all#hartradio#hartart#alastor#lucifer morningstar#lucifer magne#radioapple#appleradio#duckiedeer
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part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 (these make one big story, you won't understand this part without the others)
day 07: free space a happy ending
Wakefulness embraces him so slowly and gently that Steveâs not entirely sure he isnât dreaming when he sees Eddie lying next to him, watching him with an easy smile as his fingers tap out a slow beat on his pillow. Steve looks at him, blinking away the remnants of sleep, not quite daring to do anything more than that for fear of it being a dream after all, scared that Eddie would disappear if Steve reached out to touch.Â
But then Eddieâs smile widens. âGood morning, sunshine.âÂ
Steve gasps a little and moves his hand to Eddieâs cheek, tucking a few strands of hair behind his ear, his breath hitching when Eddie leans into the touch.Â
âYouâre here,â he whispers, his gaze wandering over Eddieâs features, taking it all in and looking for any indication that this is a dream.Â
Eddie hums. âAnd youâre pretty.âÂ
It hits him out of nowhere, the open sincerity in Eddieâs voice, the fondness in his eyes, the honesty in everything about him. The love, open and free now â or getting there, at least. Itâs still so raw, though, so new, that Steve doesnât know how to handle it yet.Â
âShut up,â he huffs once heâs caught his breath, rolling over to hide his face and the way his cheeks are heating up. He rolls right into Eddie's chest, though, and he's so warm, so close, smells so good that Steve wants nothing more than to bury his face in his neck and stay there for the rest of the morning. Or maybe the rest of his life.
The reflex to pull away is there. The urge to run and hide, to laugh it off, to freeze up and find something else to do, something to occupy his hands and stop them from reaching for Eddie. Years and years of muscle memory telling Steve to leave.Â
But Eddie's arms come around him, holding him close and pulling him even closer. And Steve breathes him in, remembering that it can be okay. Remembering that they get a chance now.Â
Remembering the words.Â
What are you doing?Â
Changing the world.Â
So he tries that, too. Changing the world. He tries by winding his arms around Eddie, too, and breathing in again and again, learning that Eddie won't disappear if he does.Â
Slowly, he dares to move his arms, stroking along Eddie's back in slow, gentle patterns, lulling himself into a safety he hasn't felt in a while. Maybe ever. At some point Eddie begins to hum, and Steve thinks that it's just another one of his audible smiles, inviting Steve and the rest of the world to join in if they're so inclined. But then he detects a familiar melody in the vibrations of Eddie's neck against his skin, and he holds his breath to find out what it is.Â
His heart jumps when he recognises the song as one he used to listen to on repeat like a lovesick fool around the time his feelings for Eddie turned into something more, something better, something infinitely worse.Â
It skips and he forgets how to breathe as he lets his hands travel over Eddie's back, slowly and tentatively daring to slip underneath his shirt and touch his skin.Â
Eddie begins to sing, then, and Steve wonders if he's even been in love with him before, because nothing of what he's ever felt compares to Eddie's gentle, hoarse, sleep-rough voice as he sings Somebody to Steve, to their little bubble, or to the world outside.Â
"I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details."
He closes his eyes as he listens, focusing on the vibrations, on the warmth, on the closeness, on how this moment is everything he's never even dared to want. Everything so perfect that he couldn't even dream it up.Â
Everything. You're everything.Â
He needs to be closer still, so be buries his nose in Eddie's neck and breathes him in, tangling their legs, filled with a breathless kind of joyful bliss when Eddie's breath hitches, too, and he stumbles over the words of the second verse as Steve tries to climb into his skin.Â
"I want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath."
You have me, Steve thinks, pressing his lips to Eddie's pulse point. It's not a kiss, not quite. It's something deeper. It's a promise.Â
Eddie's hands come up to hold him there even as his voice carries through the drumbeat of Steve's heart in his throat, running fingers through his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp, making him purr along to the melody.Â
"But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this, I'll get away with it."
When the song ends, Eddie's words faded out, replaced once again by the gentlest silence, Steve feels raw. Vulnerable. Open and exposed. But he also feels safe, and loved, buried in Eddie's skin and held there, as though Eddie is just as scared of fading away as Steve is.Â
He lifts his head just slightly, enough to meet Eddie's eyes â only to find that they're closed, an expression so serene like Steve has never seen before. Mesmerised and overflowing with affection, he reaches out to trace the line of his brows, down to his cheeks and all the way to his lips, where his eyes are glued for a second.Â
The thought of kissing Eddie is right there. The opportunity is, too. But he doesn't. He barely dares to move as it is. But he does roll them over the rest of the way until he lies comfortably on top of Eddie, and tucks his head underneath his chin, finding one of his hands and lacing their fingers.Â
"You've got him," he breathes eventually. "That somebody. If youââÂ
"Yes," Eddie says, his other hand finding its way to the nape of Steve's neck to play with his hair again. "I want."
"Good." It's lame; far from what he wants to say. From what he has already said last night. It feels like they're doing this backwards, starting with the I love you and catching up with the slow build-up afterwards. "Good. Me, too."Â
"Good," Eddie hums, and there's that smile again that Steve can't help but mirror.Â
They fall asleep again like that even though itâs already late in the morning; cuddling and holding and cradling each other, still trembling slightly. Maybe that's what changing the world will do to you. Maybe that's the bravery more than the love.Â
Or maybe it's just Steve and Eddie. Steve and Eddie. SteveandEddie.Â
I love you.Â
~*~
It takes a bit for Steve to relearn loving Eddie. To not associate it with tragedy and sadness and a bone-deep loneliness that'll leave him breathless even on the best of days.Â
It takes a while for Steve to learn a whole new kind of breathlessness, a whole new kind of aching when it comes to Eddie.Â
And Eddie's not much better than Steve, pulling away when Steve wants him closer, swallowing his words and needing a second, third, fourth try until he learns that he gets to love Steve now.Â
Years of unrequited love, or feelings unreturned, of words put out into the universe with no one to receive them, are not easily or quickly unwritten. But every time Steve's breath gets lodged in his throat and he wants to run away, Eddie is right there to remind him of what they can have now. Every time Steve tries to be a little less of who he really is, Eddie is right there to coax him out of his head with gentle touch and a lot of hugs.Â
Every time Eddie starts to doubt himself and all the ways he makes Steve the happiest person on the planet, Steve is right there with the words he only has for Eddie. Words that don't get stuck anymore. Words that finally get a recipient.Â
~*~
Their first kiss, the first real kiss, doesn't happen that first morning. They spend the first week only holding each other, barely wanting to let go, hiding their vulnerabilities within each other.Â
Steve is worried about it at first, seeing Eddie so quiet, so reverent, lacking his usual cheer, his energy and snarky comments. He asks about it one night, ready to prove right that he isn't and can never be enough for him, that all he will do is steal the things that make him Eddie.Â
Eddie stops then, lifting Steve's chin with a finger when he's too scared, too ashamed, too vulnerable to meet his eyes on his own accord.Â
"Stevie," Eddie says, his voice so gentle that Steve immediately feels stupid for doubting. "I have loved you for ten years. I've had you for three days. Let me bask in it. Let me be unable to be myself with how absolutely and utterly overcome I am with the knowledge that I have you now. That I get to hold you. That I get to kiss you and keep you and... God. I'm not unhappy. I'm so much the opposite of that that I'm not sure there's a word for it. Other than devoted. Smitten. Bewitched, body and soul."
Steve wants to kiss him then. Almost does, with the way they're just staring at each other, breathing the same air âair that smells like Eddie now. In the end, Eddie just holds him, brushing a kiss to his cheek, his forehead, his temple, and whispers, "Let me bask in it."Â
And so they do.Â
Wayne called Eddie not long after with the words, "Chrissy just told me the wedding's off. Please tell me that means what I think it means."Â
Eddie just blushed, reaching for Steve, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. "Yeah, I, uh. I finally talked to Steve."
There was a very loud cheer on the other end that made Steve laugh, falling into Eddie's side, holding him tight, a weight falling off his shoulders knowing that Wayne was okay with them.Â
You know, I always figured it would be you.Â
No matter what happens, you'll always be a son to me.
It made his eyes sting again, but he basked in the moment and in the knowledge that Wayne was on their side. Always has been, always will be.Â
"You better come here on Sunday, and bring Robin and Chrissy, too."Â
"Robs and Chrissy?" Eddie asked.Â
"Oh, you're in for a treat. I'll see your asses on Sunday, boys."Â
And with that, he hung up. Steve immediately went to call Robin, hopeful and giddy with Wayne's implication, knowing that Chrissy was Robin's person just like Eddie was his.Â
"She loves me," Robin said, on the verge of tears, and Steve joined here right then and there. "She'sâ Steve. She's soâ She... God!"Â
"Yeah," Steve laughed at the ceiling above his bed, grinning because Robin sounded so happy, not even caring that she didn't have the right words for it, because he could hear Chrissy laughing in the background, too. Laughing and saying hi to him and interrupting Robin's ramblings and groans and giggles with kisses that always left her dumbstruck for a good two seconds each time.Â
When the call ended, he went right back to the living room, where he and Eddie started watching Pride and Prejudice before, and fell right on top of him with a happy, happy smile.Â
~*~
It happens at Wayne's, exactly one week after Eddie showed up at Steve's in the middle of the night. One week after the phone call. One week after I love you.Â
It happens in the soft glow of the fairy lights Steve and Eddie helped him put up years ago. I happens after Wayne hugged him tight once more, after he pulled Chrissy to the side and promised her that she's still his kid, that he still loves her, and that he's happy to see her smile like that. After he promised the same to Robin.
It happens when Wayne's inside to refill their drinks and Chrissy and Robin are caught up in each other that they're blind and deaf to the rest of the world. When Steve turns to find Eddie looking at him with the softest, gentlest expression.Â
"Eddie," he whispers, leaning in to rest their heads together, lacing their fingers and stroking his thumb along Eddie's palm.
"Yeah, baby?"Â
Baby. It fills him with butterflies, with the urge to scream, to shout from all the rooftops that he loves Eddie, and more importantly, that Eddie loves him back! Baby. Baby.
"I love you."Â
"Hmm. I love you more."Â
No, you don't. Just longer. "Can I kiss you?"Â
He can feel Eddie's little gasp before he leans in even closer, rubbing their noses together, cradling Steve's face with his free hand. "Please," he whispers.Â
And Steve does. He captures Eddie's lips, pouring into it everything he feels and more. Sealing the promises he's made and all the ones he's yet to make. The promises to love and cherish Eddie. To be brave. To be there. To stay and keep and bask.Â
It's nothing like their first kiss all those years ago. There is no question behind it this time. Only declarations, only promises, only the beginning of a shared future.Â
And there are many, many more after this one.
đˇđ¤đˇ THE END đˇđ¤đˇ
tagging: @sexymothmanincarnate @mcneen @livsters @eddiemunchondeeznuts @abstractnaturaldisaster @steddie-as-they-go @hyperfixationgoddess @goodolefashionedloverboi @stxrcrossed186 @eddiemunsonswife @bidisastersworld @ghost-ly-s @romanticdestruction @walkingaftermidnight07 @anaibis @rainydays35 @mightbeasleep @sunfloweringstories @korixae @tuesdaycats @totoroinatardis @ilovebookshowboutyou @musical-theatre-gay @theluckyalien @copingmechanizm @srra @changelingbaby @sassygoop @obsessivelyme @r0binscript @hardboiledleggs @estrellami-1 @bisexualdisastersworld @space-invading-pigeon @swimmingbirdrunningrock @y0urnewstepp4r3nt @oxidantdreamboat @spilled-jar @phirex22 @littlemsterious @captaingigglyguinea @animecookie95 @sharingisntkaren @haluton @littlemsterious @animecookie95 @suddenlyinlove @bisexual-bilingual-biped @jinx-nanami @makewavesandwar @scheodingers-muppet @morcantinon @hexdbog @homosexualhomocide13
god i can't believe it's over. i thank you, every one of you, who cheered for me, cried with me, screamed and yelled at me, and stayed with me throughout this past week. i have no words right now other than thank you đ¤đˇ and i hope this is okay
#steddie#steddie fic#steddieweek2023#steddie week fic#i feel like this one's a bit disjointed but i kinda like that about it?? little snippets that make a happy ending you know??#idk i hope you like it too (i always get anxious about endings tbh catch me vibrating out of my skin)#dio words#i cannot believe it is done. i cannot believe what a ride it's been. i'll find the words for it later i think. first we read. and we bask đ¤#morcantinon i am ENDLESSLY sorry i forgot to tag you even after you sent that wonderful ask please forgive me đđ¤#i also forget a bunch of people who asked in the reblogs but dear god i hope you find this anyway i am all over the place#i will edit this and work in more chrissy/robin when i post it to ao3. but this is steddie week. and these are 15k words of an au#that happened spontaneously and within 2h each night of me flying by the seat of my pants. xD
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admitting ur a larrie and saying it brought you to your current ship is such a brave personal choice. this comment should be an official diagnosis in the dsm-5.
#ive had this in my drafts for ages but ppl are being weird so im here to be a hater sorry#and this just feels timely with people being attacked for telling people to get reading comprehension#like if ur ever comparing ur ship to larry then plz do some personal reflection#larries are fucking batshit off the wall out of this world unhinged#ships are supposed to be lighthearted and fun and something that makes you happy#i have plenty of fun w max and daniel content#but i cannot keep reading the unhinged levels some people are reaching w l*stappen#itâs transitioning from âi like the content and their interactions and ao3!â#into âi am inventing evidence and connecting dots and genuinely believe these two men are fuckingâ like i fear its not fun and games anymore#this is nothing against l*stappenies themselves at all. keep on keeping on#this is all about the weird ones#theres weirdos in any ship but the number of them keeps increasing w this particular one so i just wanted to say. plz do not be larries.#(sorry for the asterisks like l*stappen is a slur i just dont want it to show up in the tag lol)
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I can't believe y'all almost made me pay to go watch po*r th*ngs in theater without telling me that the whole thing revolves around a hardcore born sexy yesterday trope with a side dish of pseudo necrophilia where a woman with the brain of a litteral foetus who don't have periods or body hair (but do have boobs!) find joy and freedom by having a lot of sex with a bunch of men, shoving a apple up her vagina for some reason and joining a brothel (but it's a cool socialist brothel and all the girls looove being there, don't worry guys), all of that written and directed by two men, I'm never gonna trust you guys after this one lmao
#she also piss on the floor at some point and talks about fucking with the vocabulary of a toddler but i'm supposed to believe it's not sus#lmao ok sure#'there's more to the story than this!' idgaf! 'you're taking it out of context!' idgaf! 'it's actually a feminist story!' no it's not lmao#i cannot let go of the socialist brothel either like wooooow#men are so obsessed with the idea of natural born sex workers it's almost comical#also i cannot comment on the original book since i haven't read it#but apparently a big thing is that at the end it's revealed by the woman character that the male ones where bullshitting...#...about pretty much everything to look smarter and more important than they are#but in this 'feminist' movie they actually do frankenstein the woman and give her a second life fr fr#like aiiiight lmao#btw i truly don't care if you love the movie that's perfectly fine i love plenty of movies with very questionable content#plus i don't think anyone need my approbation to enjoy anything in this world#but boy does it personally gross me out#poor things spoilers#i hope this don't pop in the tag btw#if it does i'm sorry but people who wants to see it *will* complain about being spoil
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EVERYONE GO WATCH SHELBYâS LATEST SOS RIGHT NOW (spoilers in my tags)
#sos smp#HOLY FUCKING SHIT#HOLY SHIT GUYS ITS SO CRAZY#I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS#ok i think thatâs enough tags that you guys canât read spoilers#unless you click#I CANNOT BELIEVE. JOEL!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!#iâm ASTOUNDED they had enough coins to bring back all but three people#though iâm MORE astounded it was the exact right number that bringing back 7 people ran them totally dry#but OH MY GOD OH MY GOD#MOGSWAMP FINAL GIRL REAL HE WAS ONE OF THREE PEOPLE WHO SURVIVED THAT BLAST
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.
#okay so i am going to say this once and weâre all going to be on the same page#i find tommy boring#okay? i find him uncompelling as a character outside of the fact he helped buck realise that he was bi#other people love him for some reason - this is fine and i cannot relate#whatever#BUT my problem is that there seems to be no way to express my -tommy is dull - beliefs around those who love him#without being labelled homophobic#(this does include not caring if he dies - because i dont care what he does truly heâs Such a nothing guy to me. whatever)#and I am not homophobic#and well see it just so happens that thereâs a loophole through which tommy hate is. well. not âallowedâ but morally justified#This exists because tommy used to be racist#is he still racists now? idk. who cares.itâs a tv show.#but if im not allowed to dislike tommy for being boring - surely im allowed to hate him for being racist right?#Anyways literally i couldnt care less if he is or isnt racist still or about anything he does#I think there are wider implications involved with how this guy who is like if a cardboard brick couldnt act is suddenly compelling people#to go to war for him#I also think anyone who believes his actorâs twitter was hacked is actually stupid but thatâs unrelated#U m yeah well i think everyone needs to calm down#yes everyone yes me yes you reading this#And yeah idk. it doesnt matter if tommy is or isnt racist#(wellâŚ)#rather it matters that the âfirst stoneâ was -youâre homophobic if you dont like tommyâ#so the retaliation became âactually youâre racist if you doâ#and because everyone wants to ascribe a moral value to liking/not liking a stale weetabix of a man#now weâre here#do you understand? do you get what im saying#can anyone hear me?#oh wow#did you guys know thereâs a tag limit?#itâs 30
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Sometimes being autistic makes being in fandom so annoying because I cannot stand people who don't interact with content the same way I do
Like yes, I do believe that everything is open to interpretation. I do believe that everyone should be allowed to ship whatever they want, because it's all made up and you should do what makes you happy
However
My interpretation is correct. My ships are correct. All other ships are disgusting. My headcanons are correct and if you don't agree with them or you have a headcanon that clashes with mine, I wish bug infestations in your house
I know these thoughts are wrong, and I'm being stupid. I know everyone is correct because there is no incorrect answer. But stupid autism dictates that it's MY hyperfixation, so I am automatically correct about it and everyone has to agree with me
I do not like the ship JonElias. I find it very icky. I think that people should be allowed to ship that, if that's what they're into. If I see it or hear about it though, I have to take several minutes away from the Internet and maybe scream a little because it makes me feel so icky. If you ship JonElias, it doesn't matter if you're a cool person or not, it doesn't matter if I have the tag blocked so I don't see it anyways, I literally cannot like you. It's so stupid. I could block a really really cool person just for liking a ship that I don't. It's ridiculous
I'm just. So damn annoyed. I feel bad for the mean thoughts I get about people who have different opinions than me, but I literally can't stop them. It's so frustrating
#and for the life of me#i cannot make myself believe that it's even a LITTLE okay if people want for some reason to ship wincest#it's gross to me#and i know most people who ship it aren't gonna be bad peopel#but stupid autism brain sahs if you ship wincest you're a bad bad person#and once i decide on a ship i like#tgat this the ship. forever.#no multishipping allowed.#no changing the ship.#nope.#it's actually so annoying bc i see so many posts about âship and let shipâ and all that and I'm like#yeah!!! everyone has their own ships!! everyone has their own kinks and likes thejr own tropes!!! they should be allowed to enjoy that!!!!#and the i see a foggyskies fanart#or accidentally read an omegaverse fic bc i missed a tag#and i literally get so angry and grossed out i have to turn off my phone for a while#IT'S SO STUPID THEY'RE MADE UP CHARACTERS LITERALLY WHO CARES#but the answer is me. i care. idk why but i do. and it's entirely stupid.#ugh#anyways#rant#fandom#shipping#shut up mori
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. noncoherent but also thoughts
#i have such mixed feelings on the solas varric save everyone meme#bc on one hand ya that is whats going on in that dialoge but also!! its not!!#solas *is* trying to save everyone from his pov on several levels (the spirits the ancieny elves the modern people too to an extent*)#*the extent being how far he views them as people/everyone being semi dependant on his relationship with the inquisitor i believe#and he is trying this is his third fucking attempt we know of to save everyone#(which of course he will keep trying and keep trying as alone as possible he isnt named pride for no reason he doesnt have a place -#-in the dalish pantheon for no reason)#and then varric..#my god where do i even begin with varric's pov#da2 varric is EXTREMELY you cant save everyone (so why bother to try) and so very much out for himself (and those he cares about -#-bc those are *his* friends and his friends are part of his life)#but for those outside his circle? varric does not give two shits about anyone outside in da2#dai varric has learned over the past 10 years little. imo. he's learned his friends are affected by things he cannot control (hello.) but#he clings to the idea he can control things he can write their (his) story bc if he cant (and he knows he cant its why he tries so hard) -#then its been meaningless the whole time and he's back at square one#varric has learned the you have to try thing the fucking hard way and tbh he doesnt really believe it (at least not in dai)#i REALLY wanna see dav varric and what development he's had (sorry i havent read the comics and probably wont theyre hard for me to see/read#god i wish i could see what my tags are bc i dont remember where i cut several of these off fuck mobile tagging but anyways#i want tosee what direction varric has moved in - his dialogue inthe trailer is deeply interesting to me. specifically. since it does seem#to imply a real shift in his pov but im Suspicious bc while varric has always cared deeply and has been tryung very hard to keep his friends#read his#life comfortable he's really never picked any sort of side in his life varric is deeply centrist bc he benefits from not rocking the boat#(usually.)#(dai trapped him imo and hes not there to save the world by a long shot)#but dav seems to position him into an instigator role a real shake it up and point role#very interesting to me i wanna see where it goes#anyway.#im gonna take more headache meds and open indeed and blow myself up
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humans
i think things are only wonderful once humans have gotten their hands on them. weâre such wonderful, horrible, creative, destructive, imagination-filled creatures. we make dents in wood tables, and cracks in the leather seats of an old car, and paint stains on jeans, and sneakers covered in scuffs and marker. their value isnât built in, it comes from the fact a human has loved them. they hold the stories of a thousand thousand lives, hands dug deep into the dirt, mud packed under the fingernails, 500 B.C. and 2022 A.D. identical in soul. humans and their urge to shout and sing and spin and dance and cry and laugh. humans and the silly little voices they adopt - squeaky for pets, accented for jokes, quiet and sweet for comfort. humans and the incurable urge we all seem to have to squish ourselves close together; to intertwine our fingers, to wrap our arms around each other and squeeze, to wrestle and tickle and kiss and poke and shove. we hum little songs to ourselves and move our bodies to sounds we find pleasing and splatter colorful goo over blank canvases and pull thread through fabric for no purpose other than joy. we make convoluted games with too many rules to keep a group of our favorite humans in the same space and interacting. we tear each other apart, shoot each other with guns and stab each other with knives and hurt and rape and murder and violate. weâre awful, but weâre still magic in a bottle. we pretend to be new, exciting people on a stage or a camera for humans without that skill to enjoy. we cry when others of our kind die; we mourn them, make a big deal of their return to the earth and visit the bones theyâve left behind. the pitfalls of the human condition would be so much easier to reconcile if it werenât for the staggering peaks, for all the reasons i find to keep on living to see; weâre so incomprehensibly hard to hate, even when weâre the worst.
#i wrote this at 4am while pondering the existence of my friends#during junior year english i did an entire assignment about an object of my friendâs that didnât technically exist#at least. not in the way i wrote it#but they are so human and so viscerally in love with life that i could perfectly imagine how their version of this object would look#and i think thatâs fucking magical#humans are so insane and i cannot quite believe that people donât see how beautiful that insanity can be#humans#poetry#creative writing#writing#rambling#writer#writing things#poem#original poem#original work#original content#unoriginal thought#never not read the tags
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Why did the first thing Tumblr suggested to me in the tag when I wrote Juvia was âAnt* Gray-Juviaâ and ââant* Juviaââ DO YOU KNOW WHO YOUâRE TALKING TO ?!
#so said Anti get away from me if you try to start a fight youâre just getting block#censuring so it dosenât go in the tags#I canât believe people hate my girl I cannot understand at all đ#also I canât believe thereâs still people that Donât believe in this ship just stop reading at this point youâre gonna be disappointed ckbsj#alex.txt
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swear to god i'm just gonna stop watching the endings to shows i like. good shows need to get cancelled on cliffhangers forever
#sorry its just that this has happened like twice back to back for me here and im not really a tv show watcher so maybe other people are#better equipped to handle it and THIS ONE WAS STILL GOOD AND FUN except for the last scene. like the literal very last scene.#ridiculous in tone. like i genuinely don't know if they just ran out of time or what#they DEFINITELY ran out of money in the effects budget jesus christ. helloooo greenscreen. hello snapchat app facefilter#like the vfx are kind of hit or miss with this show but the practical effects always went HARD. and this very last scene#i cannot stress enough that this was the very last scene. they were SOOOO CLOSE <3#this last scene just looked so bad. AND IT WAS SO SILLLYYYYYYYY why sunglasses. why were the girls dressed straight out of MADELINEEEE#are there uniforms that actually look like that????#listen i thought it was going to be a BAIT AND SWTICH nightmare kind of thing.#because there was still so much time left in the video but it was just INTERVIEWS or whatever with the directors. DEVASTATING.#WHY DIDNT BEN COME WITH THEM. FUCK#sigh. pointedly not tagging the show name because i do love this show. is it perfect? nah im sure. but i DO love it#and i'm not interested in tearing it apart and reading other people do the same like i just did with The Other Show#like god i can't do that again. my heart can't take it.#david take those sunglasses off. please. for me.#I DIDN'T EVEN NEED CLOSURE ON THIS PLOT THREAD ITS FINE. THEY COULD HAVE ENDED ON THE SCENE BEFORE#i would have made do with that! or just a shot of some plane tickets on kristen's phone and some background noise#of the girls packing! something cute and sweet and implicationy like that we DID NOT NEED THE GREENSCREENNNNNNN#anyway even with what we do have I'm choosing to believe that ben was packing up his stuff and moving out there with them against his bette#judgement. like i know he said something about 'visiting' but he's rolling up his poster i can choose to believe what i want about that#i need to stop typing and thinking about it man i just realized he wasn't wearing his hat this whole episode. did his migraines go away#did i forget that from last episode. also while im complaining i WISH there was more lexis stuff this season she didn't get to be spooky#*capping my pen and throwing it across the room* but there was a lot of stuff i liked.#*gritting my teeth* im going to rewatch the season now.#or i'll just keep replaying the part where ben stumbles over the i love you. worth it just for that. because i am weak of spirit
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I am really so mad about zoro repeating that they are not a crew then literally what are you doing there. AFTER he said luffy gave him a purpose and trusts him. What are we doing
#like nami is there for the map but zoro??.#also i don't care about koby. he literally does fuck all until marineford and then does fuck all again until egghead#why are we following him#he shouldn't even be there next season or the next one#also zoro calling nami selfish when he hasnt even seen her be selfish. and nami saying money shows you how people really are. like who asked#hes just telling you she has a big house what does that have to do with anything#usopp is so funny wdym no shirt at a formal dinner. and luffy with a vest only. they are made for each other truly#funky bar in mirror ball island. this is so funny i read today on a sbs that mirror ball island is where the dosekai panda company#is in. what the hell#there are such niche references but thenthe improtant things get passed thru like nothing#luffy giving kuro his glass akdhak#garp gentle parenting koby.... who is this man#garp against nepotism... he would never...... he literally only wanted that#zoro smile!!!! luffy: midnight snack đ. zoro: đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł thats how it should go#he likes him like my god. something.#'so what do we do now... sleepover... do each others make up?' well i have other ideas.....#'i dont want your pitty' 'you wont get it then' and that look..... MANHANDLE HER!!!!#i do not care!!! about kaya and usopp!!!! who careeees!! move oooooon#nami wouldnt put it back!!!! who is that!!!! after kaya said she could have it???#i cannot believe theyre gonna give two episodes for syrup village. two to baraite and two for cocoyashi. like those things are not equal#they made usopps story better but they could have done it in one without the marines in there#like who cares#talking tag#watching opla
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â ⧠exes and oh's â c. seungcheol x reader
description. when your ex-best friend breaks up with your other ex-best friend, youâre stuck between keeping this door (that you never wanted closed) shut tight, and making amends. naturally, choosing to let your heart open to the person who ripped it apart isnât the easiest of decisions, but then again, life has a funny way of making you choose.
â tags. smut (18+), UNEDITED (i wrote this mostly when i was half asleep, there will be missing words), angst, oral (f receiving), petnames, past toxic relationships/ friendships, referenced cheating, alcohol consumption (+ mentions of vomiting + poor decisions abt alcohol in general), rebuilding relationships, trust issues, joshua is extremely protective it's honestly a little annoying, a disgusting amount of internal monologue i am So sorry, theres a lot in this one so if i missed anything lmk â fic playlist. â w/c. 15.8k+ â a/n. 1K SPECIAL SORRY IT'S A LITTLE LATE...anyways i really tried to make sure this wasn't super corny but i prob got carried away i can't even tell anymore. update. this is cringe as hell
Your day today is slow, like every other. You arenât sure why you expect anything differentâwell maybe you do know. Itâs the optimist in you, a small voice in your head says, as you drop down your bookbag next to Joshuaâs chair, the two of you slipping into your seats. Optimism my ass, you shoot back at yourself.
âCan you cover my shift?â Joshua asks, turning to you on his chair. You two have just finished your econ lecture and are sitting in the library to catch up on notes.
Furrowing your eyebrows, you give him a wary look. âJoshua,â you whine, pulling out your notebook and pen down.
âCâmon you said you needed some extra cash, and I need the night off anyways. Iâll get you back with something,â he promises as you narrow your eyes.
âNow what do you have that makes you need the night off?â
âWell thereâs this partyââ he pauses when you huff.
âAnd whatâs to say I wouldnât like to go to this party?â you retort, slightly annoyed that he expects you to cover his shift over something like this.
Joshua signs, running a hand through his hair. âWell I can say that I donât think you would be especially keen on going,â he tells you honestly, and then when you catch the look in his eyes you falter.
You think about probing further, but second guess yourselfâyou probably shouldnât. It isnât good for your heart. You are trying to work on putting yourself, your heart, first, but as they say, curiosity killed the cat. âWhy do you say that?â you ask, and Joshua gives you that look.
He knows where this is going, and heâs slightly disappointed in you for going against your personal goal of not bringing it up. Then again, he doesnât control you, and while he can try to guide you down the path of reparations and healing, he canât force you anywhere.
âCheolâs birthday is tomorrow,â he tells you like you donât know. Like you donât still have it marked down in bright blue sharpie on your calendar. Itâs only been six months since youâve last talked to him, and you donât feel the need to buy a whole new calendar for the sake of getting rid of his and Yejinâs name.
That, and you donât think taking his name off would help you forget anyways. Ten years, you think to yourself, ten years shouldnât be disposed of as easily as a calendar, although it seems Yejin and Cheol had no problem doing just that.
Joshua catches you zoning out. âSorry, I shouldnât have brought it up.â
âNo itâs okay,â you sigh, leaning back in your chair. âItâs not like I didnât know, I donât know why I asked.â Joshua looks at you sadly.
âThe partyâŚitâs going to be a big one, since Soonyoung is throwing it. You can come if you really want, you probably wonât run into Seungcheol anyways,â Joshua offers.
You scrunch up your face, shaking your head. âAnd Yejin? Either way, I donât want to even think about how it would look if I showed up to a party for his birthday.â
Joshua gives you a wear look. âYou donât know?â
âHuh? Know what?â
âCheol and Yejin broke up a while ago.â
âOh.â You blink once, then twice, staring down at your shoes before inhaling sharply.
âIâm sorry. I thought you knew.â
You shrug, responding, âWhatever. Donât apologize. I donât have any business with either of them anyways.â
âOkay butââ
âSeriously Josh,â you mutter, turning to him so he can see the pleading look on your face. âLetâs talk about something else, yeah? Iâll cover your shift.â Joshua gives you a tentative look, opening his mouth before you stop him. âSeriously,â you repeat, âItâs fine.â
And the truth is, you are fine. Sure it hurts when you think about them too much, and even if they are broken up, it doesnât really make you feel much better, but you are okay. Your days are often dull, yes, but you arenât unhappy. Youâre content, and being in your final year of university, you figure that being content is all you need.
Excitement and love are not quite at the forefront of your mind, and while it does cause a nasty knot to build up in your throat when you think about Cheol and Yejin and all the fun times you have spent with them, you quietly tell yourself that things just played out the way they were supposed to.
You tell yourself that if it didnât work out, it wasnât meant to work out. That your life had plans, and that those plans didnât include them.
As you walk home, you scoff to yourself, thinking about how Cheol and Yejin were willing to give up ten years of friendship with youâwith each otherâfor something that didnât even last half a year.
Of course itâs painful, but at the end of the day, youâre okay with that.
âYouâre pathetic,â Yejin spits out, and you feel yourself growing dizzy. Her animosity thatâs more apparent than ever is all you can think about it, and it has your jaw going slack. âHow could youââ her face contorts into something so full of hate that you brace yourself for her next words, âHow could you do this to me?â
You still, blinking as you let the words sink in. You want to argue, to fight back, to defend yourself, but the words fall flat on your tongue. You want to scream, I didnât do anything to you, want to tell her that your feelings arenât there to hurt her, but you canât. âYejinââ
âIt doesnât even matter now,â she cuts you off, sucking in a sharp breath, her face that was momentarily scrunched up into anger is now relaxing, looking back at the door where music booms from the party.
âAre you just going to leave?â you manage to ask, steading your breaths as best as you can. Yejin looks at you and from the way sheâs slightly taller than you, you nearly cower back in anticipation for her next words.
Yejin always did tend to have a bit of a mean streak, but only towards those she felt had wronged herânever to you. Always had a snarky comment to throw, but never in your direction. Always ready to be on the offense if she felt she needed to, and for the first time in your ten years of friendship, you know what itâs like to be on the receiving end.
Yejin never answers your question. âCheol likes me,â she tells you as if it isnât obvious. As if you havenât mulled over that fact for the past month, the tell-tale lips of Joshua spilling you Seungcheolâs secrets many nights before. âHe doesnât like you.â Yejin pauses. âBecause youâre boring.â
Your world stills. Everything was spinning in a hazy maze a moment ago but now it all has paused and her words are hitting you in slow motion. âWhat?â you try to ask but your voice comes out hardly above a whisper.
Yejin scoffs, and you know in this moment that that is the meanest thing she could have done. âYouâre boring,â she repeats, âand thatâs whyââ she takes a deep breath, ââeven if he didnât like me, he wouldnât like you, so Iâm telling you now to give up.â
You gulp, and the words spill out of your mouth before you can stop. âI was never going to make a move on him,â you retort, finally finding the words stuck in your throat, and while you gain confidence for a moment, it withers away when you catch the amused look on Yejinâs face. âI canât believe you would think Iâd go for him if you liked him.â
âThatâs your problem!â Yejin exclaims exasperatedly. âYou were going to do nothing even if none of us found out,â she spits out, and you feel your knees growing wobbly again as Yejin continues. âYou claim you love him but youâre just willing to give him up like that? Thatâs pathetic. You are pathetic.â
She turns on her heel, and you call out to her one last time. âAre youââ
âGet Joshua to drive you home,â is the last thing she ever says to you.
Taking Joshuaâs shift is boring. Not that you expect anything differentâgetting you excited for work is not one of your optimismâs capabilities. Evenings at the coffee shop are busier than one would expect, but after considering the fact that itâs the only one open past seven p.m. on campus, the crowd begins to make sense.
You spend your time making drinks for the many students who areâmuch like yourselfâsimply trying to get through the night, but you would be lying if you say you donât notice that the turn out is a littleâŚsmaller. After all, it is a Friday evening and Soonyoungâs parties are infamous on campus for beingâŚwell for being thrown by Soonyoung.
Heâll invite anyone and everyone, so you wouldnât be surprised if your instagram feed will be filled with nothing but pictures from Cheolâs party tonight. Not that you care. You donât want to go, you have no reason to.
Still, you wonder: would Yejin show up? If they did break up, like Joshua told you, what were the circumstances? Are they still friends? What happened? Why did theyâ
No.You shouldnât do this to yourself, you canât. Yejin isnât your friend anymore, and neither is Cheol. What happened between them shouldnât be your businessâit isnât. Leave it alone, you tell yourself, tapping your foot on the ground.
Yet, every time you look over the empty seats that fill the cafe, youâre reminded of just why not many people are here tonight. Seungcheol. Chewing on your bottom lip, you go against your better judgment and pull out your phone, immediately tapping on instagram.
Your stories are filled with a plethora of videos and pictures from the house that Cheol shares with Jeonghan and some other friends. Itâs dark both inside and out, the only thing illuminating the house being led lights and pool lights in the backyard.Fondly, you remember last summer and Cheolâs birthday, which was spent at his house with you. Yejin, and some other friends in his pool from morning âtil night. Fun times, you think, and you quietly wonder if Cheol will remember those memories today, or if he will leave them in his dust.
Tapping through the stories, you purse your lips together, inhale sharply, and begin to make yourself a drink. Itâs too late in the evening for you to be thinking about this.
Seungcheolâs head is pounding. He can hear his heartbeat ringing in his ears and then thereâs the music that has its vibrations going straight to his heart as he stumbles over his own words.
Lights everywhere flashing different colors and he isnât sure when one cup turns into two, which turns into three, which turns into fuck-knows-how-many until Jeonghan is grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and pushing him into an empty room, calling Joshua over.
Again, Seungcheolâs head is pounding. And he fucking loves it.
Joshua and Jeonghan, on the other hand, are frustrated. Cheol is trying to push through them, clawing for the door as his legs hit each other in a mangled mess until heâs falling onto them as they hold him back.
âYou guys canât fucking do this,â he whines, throwing his head back as he brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
âWhen you said you were going to go crazy tonight,â Joshua mutters, âI didnât realize you meant literally. Are fucking insane?â he hisses.
Cheol gives him an angry look, seeming to sober up for a moment as he straightens his back. âItâs my birthday, giving me a fucking break.â
âIf you keep acting like this itâs going to be your death day soon too,â Jeonghan warns, earning him a glare.
âSeriously, do you want alcohol poisoning or something?â Joshua agrees. âDonât drink anything else for the night, Iâm serious.â
âAnd if I do?â Seungcheol challenges.
âWeâll tell Soonyoung to call it all off. You know heâll do it if we ask,â Jeonghan states simply.
Cheol scoffs, but doesnât reply, exercising his last bit of common sense to understand what Jeonghan and Joshua say, they mean. He needs to tread lightly.
Not that he cares much. He hasnât got much to loseâCheol only suggested this party because he knew that if it was anything short of big, heâd be reminded of the missing holes in his life right now.
His plan was unsuccessful, clearly, because even with cups after cups of spike punch, heâs still mulling over the fact thereâs over a hundred people in this house and not a single one of them is you. Cheol had asked Joshua to bring it up with youâasked him to lead you in the right direction. The right direction being him.
He wasnât really sure what his expectations were when he suggested it, but now itâs clear that Cheol really was expecting you to show up. He didnât prepare for any other outcome, especially not one like this, where heâs wasted before the clock even strikes twelve. Heâs on the verge of passing out when Joshua leaves the room, only Jeonghan and Cheol in each otherâs presence as the former makes sure his elder doesnât collapse.
Seungcheolâs head is pounding and he thinks it feels fucking great.
Fuck, he really needs to throw up.
Youâre back at the cafe two days later, once again spending your evening serving students. Itâs a bit of a lighter day, so only you and Jeongyeon are working, catching up and making light conversation through the day.
âTired?â you ask her, when you catch her leaning against the counter with a wince.
She nods, turning up to look at you. âChemistry is killing me. I want to cry just thinking about my next exam,â whe groans, throwing her head back. âI think humans have evolved too much. Thereâs no reason we should have explore this much about like, fucking atoms. Why canât we just be happy creaturesâignorance is bliss, after all.â
You laugh out loud, not bothering to look at the door when you hear the bell of its opening ringing. âTake a break, yeah? Iâll manage for the next half an hour, if you just wanna sit and chill for a bit,â you offer, Jeongyeon letting out a sigh of relief.
âAre you serious?â she exclaims before hugging you tightly. âI fucking love you,â she says, pulling away and hopping down the back counter and to the back room while you smile widely before turning around to face the new customer at the counter.
Your smile drops faster than you can blink.
Seungcheolâs smile, at one time, was among one of your favorite sights on the whole damn planet. Now, you canât help but turn away, too scared to look him in the eye. Scared that if you look long enough, youâll find something you arenât ready to see.
Donât falter, you tell yourself. You havenât been healing for months for it to amount to nothing. âWhat can I get you?â you ask casually, looking down at the cashier tablet, pretending to look through the catalog.
You didnât look at him long enough to see if his smile vanished just as quickly as yours, to see if he expected you, to know what he was thinking at all honestly. You arenât ready for that, and itâs pathetic, you think to yourself.
âUh,â is the first thing you hear Cheol say to you after six months. You arenât sure what youâre expecting him to follow with, but it is most definitely not, âDonât you know my usual?â
It takes all your self control to not snap your eyes up and say, of course I know your usual, I never forgot, how could I forget, itâs always an iced latte withââNo, sorry, I donât,â you say flatly, still not looking at him.
Cheol is slightly surprised by your choice of words, partly because when Joshua told him that your door was shut and not going to budge open, he didnât really believe him. Maybe he knew he wouldnât be able to hit it straight off the bat when he tried to reconcile, but he definitely wasnât expecting this.
Not that he planned thisâhe knew you worked here, just not when. Cheol was just struck with luck when he walked in, ready to order a coffee when his eyes landed on your familiar figure this evening, and as an opportunist, he just couldnât turn down the chance to try and talk to you.
Of course now, he isnât sure if this course of action was the right oneâyou were never cold, not to him, not to Yejin, not to anyone really. Itâs weird, he thinks.
âIced latte with hazelnut syrup, please,â he replies with a small nod of acceptance. Joshua was right. Your door was locked.
âYour drink will come out over there,â you say, pointing over to the left counter. âCash or card?â
He thinks itâs worth a shot to try again. âWhen was the last time I used anything but card?â Cheol accepts defeat when you donât crack a smile, not even one bit.
âSo youâre using card?â you ask plainly, turning the tablet over so he can swipe down. Cheol chuckles nervously as he pulls out his wallet. He doesnât say anything after that, and for that, you are grateful.
Once heâs done paying, you turn on your heel quickly and make his drink. You donât look up, donât turn backâyou donât know if youâre ready to see him watching you, if he is at all. You arenât sure what youâd like more: having him watching you, or having him not.
Gulping down a hard lump in your throat as you wait to pull the shot of espresso, you think deeply. Itâs just how Jeongyeon said it, you figure: ignorance is bliss.
Jeongyeon thinks parties arenât your thing. âThey just donât suit you,â she explains when youâre working one afternoon.
You furrow your eyebrows. âWhat do you mean not my thing?â
She shrugs, carrying in some boxes of cups. âItâs not a bad thingâIâm not calling you boring or anythingâIâm just saying. Youâre a very work-at-a-coffee-shop kind of girl, and not a letâs-go-party kind of girl, you know?â
The word bounces around in your mind. Boring.
âI can be both,â you huff. âYouâre only saying this because I actually do work at a coffee shop.â
âWhatever,â Jeongyeon shrugs. âCome with me tonight then?â
You scrunch up your face. âTonight? I work tonight,â you tell her with a frown.
âGet Hyunwoo to cover your shift then, Iâm sure heâll do it,â she suggests. You sigh, pulling out your phone to text your other co-worker.
âOkay, but if he says no it isnât my fault.â
âYa-da, ya-da, ya-da,â Jeongyeon mutters, waving her hand at you with a sly grin. âSo Iâll see you tonight?â he asks with an eyebrow raised.
âIf Hyunwoo is willing to give up his Saturday evening, I guess so.â
âUgh, he better agree. Tell him if he does it, Iâll set him up on a date with Nayeon.â
You roll your eyes with a small giggle. âYou need to stop using her to get what you wantâsheâs going to stop being your friend if you keep setting her up on dates so people can do you favors.â
âIf that ends up happeningâŚâ Jeongyeonâs voice trails off as she glances at you. ââŚwell thatâs what youâre here for!â
Itâs how you end up putting on some cute pants and black crop top that youâve been saving for a night just like. Jeongyeon and you are ubering the way to whoeverâs house this party is at, and youâre pretty sure neither of you have a good idea of how youâre supposed to get home, but thatâs a problem for another time.
When you arrive, the house is already packed, but the two of you donât have too much trouble slipping through the open door and into the crowd of people that fill each room. You havenât been to a party in a while, and the loud music along with the rush you naturally feel when you're around so many people starts to return to you.
You see many facesâmostly ones you recognize, but the names fall flat on your tongue. Like you said, itâs been a while since youâve come to a party.
When you make your way to the kitchen, youâre greeted by a kind, familiar voice. Smiling at Joshua as he calls out your name, you give him a sideways hug before you make your way to the counter with all the drinks. âFancy seeing you here,â he teases, and you push him lightly. âWhy didnât you tell me you were coming?â
âJeongyeon invited me last minuteâŚI had to get Hyunwoo to take my shift,â you explain.
âAh, that makes sense,â and thereâs a funny look on his face when he says it.
âWhatâs with that face?â
âNothing! Itâs justâŚâ
âJust what?â
âYou know Hyunwoo likes you, right?â Joshua says casually, pouring you a cup of punch. Usually, you donât trust what other people hand to you, but Joshua is a safe exception.
âWhat?â you ask, eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets. âYouâre lying. Did he tell you that?â
âNot directlyâŚbut itâs obvious. Seriously, who gives up their Saturday evening unless theyâre making major bank or they have a crush.â
âWhatever. Heâs a sophomore,â you murmur, taking a sip of the drink. Itâs so sweet it almost masks the taste of alcohol. âPlus, heâs not my type. And Iâm not interested in dating. I have too much going on,â you list.
âPlease,â Joshua scoffs. âYour thesis and being a barista is not too much.â
âShut up! Iâm here, at a party, arenât I?â
âWill you come to the next one?â
âThat depends.â
âOn?â he asks hopefully.
âHm,â you hum, tapping a finger on your chin. âWhen, where, who, why, how.â
âUgh, youâre seriously annoying about this. Just show up when I call you next, okay?â
âNo promises. This night better be good if you want me to live up to that.â
âWell Iâm not throwing this party so I canât control that.â
You grin. âToo bad.â Youâre having fun, you realize, even if itâs with the comfort of Joshua. Youâre glad Jeongyeon brought you here. Joshua glances around for a moment and then back at you, opening his mouth to speak. âDonât worry about me,â you tell him before he can say anything, âI can take care of myself.â
âI know, I justââ he stops himself. You know where this is going, and Joshua knows he doesnât really need to say it. Cheol is here.
âItâs okay,â you tell him, patting his shoulder firmly, and in this moment you arenât lying. Not to yourself, not to Joshua. It is okay. You are okay.
He watches you for a moment and then nods, ruffling your hair for a moment before waving goodbye to head off in some other room. You spend the next few minutes tossing your now empty cup to the side, heading off to some other room to find Jeongyeon. Sheâs dancing with some friends and the moment her eyes lay on you, she notices the deep flush to your face.
Calling you over, you dance with Jeongyeon, music blaring in your ear as youâre pressed up against her and other girls youâre sure you knew the names of at some point in your life. Itâs exhilarating for a moment, but then suddenly, after around fifteen minutes, it isnât.
âIâm going to head out for a breather,â you tell Jeongyeon loudly over the music, and she doesnât seem to hear your words but with the way youâre pointing at the back door, she figures out what youâre saying. Nodding with a thumbs up, she smiles before turning back to dance along with her friends as you slip out of the huddle of people.
You notice a familiar face from the corner of your vision, but you feel too hot and the air is too stuffy for you to bear another second longer, escaping to the backyard.
Itâs quiet outside. The night air is cool, and you now realize why no one is out in the pool like they usually are. Looking down at your feet, you contemplate your next actions for a moment before rolling up the hem of your pants until your knees and sitting by the edge of the pool, dipping in your legs.
You hiss at the cool feeling for a moment, but quickly adjustâyouâve been feeling too hot all evening and this is exactly what you need to take a moment to calm down. Alcohol has never quite been your best friend, the liquid always sending a flush of heat through your whole body.
The water soothes you, and you feel at peace for a moment. Then thereâs the sound of the door sliding open and a familiar patter of footsteps thuds against the concrete.
âIsnât the water cold?â Jeonghan says casually, standing next to you.
You shrug. âI needed to cool down.â
âHm, fair,â he murmurs, sitting down himself and crossing his legs on the concrete edge of the pool. âItâs been a minute.â
âHas it?â you reply quietly. Yeah. Itâs only been six months. You donât let Jeonghan know that youâve been counting.
âYou donât stop by to drop off the old pastries anymore,â he says. âMingyu tries to make croissants now, but itâs the one thing he isnât great at baking.â
You arenât sure if itâs the alcohol speaking but youâre blunt when you respond, âThat sucks.â Jeonghan laughs quietly, nodding. He isnât used to you being like this âwhen Cheol said you were different, he wasnât sure what he was expecting, but it wasnât really this.
âHowâs school? You working on your thesis and shit?â
You shrug. âI guess. Busy times.â
âYouâre being awfully cold,â Jeonghan says with a tick of his tongue. âDâyou not have any drinksâyouâre always more fun when youâre drunk.â
âThanks,â you mutter with furrowed eyebrows. Yejin used to tell you that.
âSorry, that was rude,â Jeonghan says quickly when he notices how you still. âI didnât mean it like thatâI mean, I guess everyone is more fun when theyâre drunk.â You chuckle a little at that and he lets out a sigh of relief at the fact that heâs able to get you to loosen up, even just a little. Thereâs an awkward silence that settles over the two of you as he watches you as you kick your feet in the water. Jeonghan thinks he might take his chances.âHe misses you.â
You feel tears well up in your eyes, and you really hope Jeonghan doesnât notice. You hate how you know who heâs talking about right away, not needing to say the name. âJeonghan,â you say, and you know that your wobbly voice gives it all away, âDo you really think thatâs fair?â
He says your name, and you turn away.
âDo you think thatâs fair to me?â Jeonghan doesnât say anything, so you continue. âHe misses me? What about me? What about how I feel? Has Cheol thought about that? Has he?â
âIâm not trying to say itâs fair, Iâm just telling you how heâs feelingââ
âOkay? There isnât much for me to do about it,â you reply quickly. âCheol and Yejinââ you let out a humorless laugh, ââit isnât fair. Life isnât fair. I was able to deal with it. Iâm sure Cheol can too.â
âHeâs really upset with himself for it,â Jeonghan tries to reason. âEven when he was with Yejin. Theyâd have arguments about it.â
âOkay? Itâs not like I asked him to do that. Itâs not like he was my friend to tell me about it.â
âWell if you would just listenââ
âNo, you listen,â you say firmly, scrunching up your eyebrows. âDid you know what Yejin said to me the last time we spoke?â Jeonghan shakes his head. âShe told me I was boring,â you spit out, and you realize that itâs the first time youâve ever actually recounted that night to anyone but yourself. âAnd that she wasnât even mad that I liked Cheol, but that she hated how I let her have him.â You pause to wipe away some tears. âAnd she was right. I didnât put myself first. I could have told Cheol first, couldâve worked things out before she found out, couldâve done something for him, but I didnât, and Iâm not going to make that same mistake again so right now I am going to put myself first.â
Jeonghan is frowning now at the intake of all this information. Itâs his first time hearing your side of the story, and he canât help but get confused with the different timelineâs heâs got going on inside of his head. âIs this really putting yourself first?â he finally asks, and you glare at him.
âExcuse me?â
âIâm just saying. He was your best friend for a whole decade. Maybe having him back in your life will do more good than you think.â
You scoff. âYou mean do Cheol more good to his life. Donât look at me like thatâwhat do you know about me that makes you so sure of this?â
âCheol knows you, you know him, and as far as I know, you could use a friend or two.â
âThanks for calling me friendless,â you say dryly. âBut in case you havenât noticed, Iâm fine. I am over it, and I donât mind having two less friends. And either way, Cheol couldnât have been that good of a friend if he was willing to just let go of me like that after all those years.â Jeonghan stays silent. âI donât need more drama in my life anyways,â you conclude, pulling your feet out of the water and standing up.
âYouâre not going to give him a second chance?â
You donât answer as you walk away.
Choi Seungcheol isnât drunk, for once in his life. Okay that is an exaggeration, but itâs the first time in a few months that he isnât stumbling over himself at a party. Itâs the first time in a long while that he hasnât even had a sip of alcohol at this outing, and honestly, heâs quite proud of himself.
He knows why that is, and he isnât afraid to admit it. When Joshua walks past him and gives him a funny look, Cheol knows whatâs up. âNo drinks?â Joshua asks, quirking up a brow.
âJoshua,â he murmurs, and heâs surprised his friend can even hear him over the music. âJeonghan is talking to her.â
Joshua purses his lips. âYeah, I know.â
Choi Seungcheol is quiet at a party, for the first time inâŚwell pretty much ever. He isnât under the influence, but it feels like everything is racing through his mind at a hundred miles per hour. Leaning against the wall, Joshua softens his gaze.
âLoosen up,â he says, and then thinks again. âAnd please donât do anything stupid.â
âIâm not drunk,â Cheol scoffs, standing up straight as he glances out the back door, watching you kick the pool water. He remembers his birthday party over a year agoâthe pool, you, Yejin, fun. Cheol walks away, not sure where heâs heading and Joshua, using his better judgment, doesnât follow.
Choi Seungcheol isnât drunk, but he might as well be out of his damn mind.
Tonight is not your night.
Your head is pounding. You fucking hate it. You donât like getting drunk, at least not like this. Not in the way that youâre seeing two of everything. Not in the way that your body feels like itâs on fire, sweat soaking your sheen black shirt. Not in the way that youâre thinking about everything you shouldnât.
After your conversation with Jeonghan, you realize you donât have an answer. Pandoraâs box is too tempting, and all your better judgment tells you to leave this door closed. To bury it up, throw it into the ocean, burn itâanything to keep it away from you, but the alcohol that courses through your veins brings the memories flooding back.
Now, you arenât sure if your head hurts from thinking about Cheol, or from the alcohol, or both.
Itâs too much.
You lean against one of the steps as you sit on the stairs, clutching a bottle of water close to your chest. Jeongyeon isâŚsheâs fuck knows where. You lost track of her hours agoâafter you came back in from the backyard, you got lost in conversations with people you havenât caught up with in ages, and one thing led to the next and now youâre on nth drink.
You feel dizzy and the cup in your hand without the water bottle slips past your fingers and before you can act quick enough, the cup is tumbling down the two steps in front of you and spilling all over the floor. Granted, it isnât the only mess made in this house tonight, and by the looks of it, it wonât be the last, but you still feel bad, quickly scrambling up to pick up your cup and find some tissues.
As you lean forward and stumble over the steps a little, you realize your center of gravity is off and youâre about to fall forward, quickly holding out your hands to brace your fall. As you land on the ground with a thud, your mind spinsâeverything spins, you feel too warm, and then you feel your drink stain your pants in the spot you fell onto andâfuck, this really is too much for you.
Maybe you shouldâve just accepted what Jeongyeon said. Maybeâfuck, who are you kiddingâparties definitely donât suit you. Youâd be a fool to deny that now, especially when youâre aching to just leave already, even though you never made any plans of getting home.
That problem that you saved to deal with âat a later timeâ is becoming a problem you need to deal with now and you race through your options, all while seated on the floor, forgetting about how you need to clean up this mess.
Itâs when your head starts to hurt and you scrunch up your face in hopes to soothe your headache when you hear his voice. A warm hand wrapped around your wrist and then itâs pulling you up and onto your wobbly legs. âLetâs get you out of here,â Cheol mumbles, and without weighing the consequences of your actions, you nod along.
You donât care anymore. You need to leave, and if Cheol is the path to getting out, you wonât mind.
When his arms lead you out the front door and into the night, you feel cold. Extremely cold. Maybe itâs because your body is so warm, maybe itâs because the wet alcohol on your pants is sending shivers up your spineâmaybe itâs that youâre starting to slowly realize who youâre with.
Standing on the grass, you arenât sure what to do now. What should you do? What does Cheol want you to doâyou stop yourself. It shouldnât matter what he wants you to do, you remind yourself, so why do you find your gaze lazily making its way over to his face?
Fuck ignorance and its bliss. Right now, you want to know what Cheol is thinking. Heâs looking down at you, and suddenly you feel small. His face isnât demeaning, itâs not angry, heâs not upset, but you just feel so pathetic.
And god, do you hate that word. It echoes in your head. Your dirtied pants, flushed and puffy cheeks, disheveled hair, all as you struggle to stand upâpathetic. You turn away from him, not being able to watch him watch you any longer.
âLet me drive you home,â he says finally over the thick air.
âYouâre drunk,â you protest mindlesslyâyou donât have a clue if thatâs true at all, but knowing Cheol, it probably is.
âI havenât had anything all night.â Nevermind, you tell yourself, maybe you donât know him at all. Can six months really change a person that much?
Cheol is thinking the same thing about you. Your eyes are glossy and you look so out of it and he canât even remember the last time he saw you like thisâthe only memories he has are when you first got drunk with him and Yejin in high school. The memory shoots an arrow at his heart, but he brushes off the feeling, focusing on you right now.
âTrust me,â he says. You blink a few times, staring at the ground, then at the sky, and then at Cheol. âTrust me,â he repeats, and now you remember just how well you know him. Cheol isnât asking right now, no, heâs begging. You think as deeply as your wasted mind will let you.
Do you trust Cheol? No.
Cheol hurt you. Yejin hurt you.
Is this about Yejin? No.
Do you trust Cheol? No.
What is this about? I donât know.
Do you trust Cheol? I donât know.
Can you trust Cheol? âŚ
He places a hand on your shoulder and the touch is firm.
Can you trust Cheol? Of course you can.
His eyes are soft as you look up at him.
Do you trust Cheol? Absolutely.
Optimism would say that you left the door unlocked. Joshua would disagree and say that you werenât going to be inside even if the door was wide open. Jeonghan, surprisingly, doesnât agree with Joshuaâyour words were harsh, but the water streaming down your cheeks told him that there was more going on in your head than you let on.
Seungcheol tends to only listen to what he wants to hear, at least thatâs what all his friends have noticed. They saw it with Yejinâignoring all the red flags, late nights of arguing until Cheol would murmur, âitâs fine, letâs just go to sleep.â Reality wasnât the easiest for him to face, and now itâs more apparent than ever.
âHeâs too optimistic about her,â Joshua sighs, throwing himself onto his friendâs couch the morning after. He slept over at his friendsâ place, and they follow carefully behind him now.
âHe still has hope?â Mingyu asks incredulously, sitting on an armchair.
âToo much of it,â Joshua replies, sitting up straight so that thereâs room for Jeonghan on the couch.
âSheâs still nice to me,â Mingyu says thoughtfully. âMaybe she doesnât hate him.â
âWell that doesnât mean anything,â Jeonghan says. âSheâs still close friends with Joshua, so I donât think sheâs going to let that whole situation get in the way of her own friendships.â
Joshua nods in agreement, adding, âThat, and I never said she hated Cheol.â
Mingyu furrows his eyebrows. âShe doesnât?â
âI donât think she ever did,â Joshua says honestly, leaning back into the cushions as he stretches his arms.
âReally? I wouldâve,â Mingyu admits and Jeonghan rolls his eyes.
âWe know that you would,â he teases, causing the taller boy to pout but keep his mouth shut. âAnyways, I think Cheol is going to keep trying.â
âI know he will,â Joshua mutters, running a hand over his face. âHeâs going to go in circles after her.â
âSheâs not gonna give in?â Mingyu asks, and Joshua shakes his head, but Jeonghan puts his hand up in protest.
âI think she might eventually come âround to a stop,â he says, and Joshua shoots him a look of surprise. âI dunno, I know you and her are close, but I just have a feeling. Weâll have to see.â
âDonât let Cheol hear that. Heâll take it as a sign to never stop,â Joshua warns.
Seungcheol doesnât hear this conversation now or ever, but he never had plans of stopping in the first place. He was always more optimistic than youâthan anyone you knew, reallyâand anyone who knows him should know better than to underestimate the extent of his determination.
Jeonghan and Joshua are making that mistake right now, and even though Cheol will never know what they said, he is determined to prove them wrong, for the sake of his own sanity.
Jeongyeon picks up the phone after the first ring. âI am so sorry,â she babbles into the line. âIâfuckâwe shouldâve figured out a rideâI mean I shouldâve figured out a ride since I basically forced you to come and I knew I would be drinking andâgod, I am so sorry.â
Your head rings at the way her voice blares through the phone, and you sit up and against your headboard. You woke up only moments ago, greeted by a million texts from Jeongyeon, not bothering to soothe your hangover headache before calling her backâshe must have been worried, you told yourself.
âItâs okay,â you mumble, reaching over to grab some water from your bedside table. âI got a safe ride home.â
âYeah, Joshua told meâŚbut still, Iâm sorry. I shouldnât have left you to find a ride on your own.â âDonât apologize Jeongyeon, I left you without a ride too so stop apologizing or else youâll start to make me feel bad.â
You can hear her huff on the other end, and you smile. âOkay fine, but seriously. Iâll cover one of your shifts or something soon because I feel bad for even taking you. You looked miserable.â
âThat was only because Jeonghan came up to me,â you tell her honestly.
âJeonghan? Like Seungcheolâs friend?â she says, and you can tell from her voice that sheâs hesitating to even say his name.
âYes,â you sigh softly. Jeongyeon wants to know more, you can feel it, but you arenât in the mood to bring it up, at least not with her. âItâs whatever. Iâll see you Wednesday?â
She pauses for a moment, seemingly trying to comprehend your quick switch of topics. âUh, sure. Text me if you need anything, okay?â
âMhm,â you hum, pulling back your phone as you click to hang up. Letting your head fall back onto your pillow, you inhale deeply. You remember the night before too vividlyâeven if you were drunk, there was too much happening for you to forget.
You know you canât forget, so you decide to do just what youâve been doing for the past half year: ignore. Itâs what youâre best at, after all. Yet as your day goes on, your mind begins to trail off. You think, and you think, and you think until you arenât sure what was real and what was not from last night.
You start to realize that you arenât as good at ignoring as you like to think.
âYou think too much,â Hyunwoo jokes, watching you stare at the shot of espresso in front of you. Youâd made it for yourself as an attempt to feel more energized after your lecture, but you find yourself zoning out as the small cup sits on the counter, waiting for you to gulp it down.
âUh, sorry,â you murmur, shaking your head a little. âThis shift is light and we havenât had any customers in a few minutes so I justâŚâ
âItâs fine,â Hyunwoo replies with a smile, and you purse your lips. Ever since Joshua told you that Hyunwoo likes you, youâve been warning yourself to tread lightly. Not that he isnât a good guyâHyunwoo is greatâheâs just not your type.
What is your type? The thought is swept out of your mind before you even come up with an answer, swooping up the shot of espresso and holding it up to your lips.
Itâs been three days since the party, and you havenât talked to Joshua in a minute, so your mind is slightly frazzled. Hyunwoo is nice, but you miss the comfort of your close friend, and maybe youâre just a little curious to see if he has anything to say about Cheol driving you home that night.
Youâre sure he doesâyou can already predict his words: âyou told yourself you wouldnât talk to him.â Joshua might be harsh with his words, but you feel with the way youâve been losing your damn mind recently, you need someone like him to bring you back to reality.
Maybe thatâs what went wrong with you, with Cheol, with Yejinâwith the three of you. You and Cheol were too lost in fantasies, Yejin always holding you two down. She was rightâCheol wouldnât like you. Two people who didnât know a reality other than their imaginations couldnât work out.
Cheol needed someone to ground himself, you needed someone to ground yourself, and at the end of the day, Yejin chose to help him. You still think about what you would have done if you were in her situation, and after months, you canât come up with an answer.
You remember the events leading up to her decision like itâs as clear as day, and no matter how many times you replay that moment, you donât know what to think, except that youâre angry, youâre sadâthey left you.
âI heard you and Joshua,â Yejin tells you quietly, and you feel your heart stop. âYou like Seungcheol?â and the way she uses his full name makes you feel almost ashamed for confirming it with a nod.
âIââ you pause, ââI didnât know you liked him.â
âI love him,â she corrects you.
âOh,â is all you manage out.
âYouâre pathetic.â
That was the start of it. Yejin sent Chaeyoung over the next day to pick up her stuff from your apartment. You didnât hear another word from Cheol. The last thing you remember him saying to you was from that night is still a jumble in your head.
You hate crying, and everyone knows it. So when you sprint out of the room minutes after Yejin, eyes red and puffy, Cheol knows something is wrong. Before he can walk up to you, thereâs a hand on his shoulder and Yejin has her head pushed up next to his ear.
You donât know what she tells him, but his gaze falters. The last thing you hear him say is your name quietly as you rush away.
That night, Joshua drives you home while you think about how youâre going to tell your mother that Cheol and Yejin wonât be coming to your house for spring break.
That was six months ago. Of course, six months pales in comparison to the decade you spent as friends. The years from middle school, to high school, to collegeâyou three side by side. Things changed so quickly, too quickly.
Sometimes you think about what she mightâve told himâwhat she couldâve said that made him turn away at every gathering you were both at after that. That made him erase the years you shared before all this. That made you all strangers.
You figure things like this will never make sense to you. You donât understand now, and you probably never willâyou are content with that.
At least, up until three days ago you were. Some small voice in your head is reminding you of the confusion, the hurt, the heartbreak you felt when it all happened. Now, youâre more desperate than ever to know what exactly happened, itâs just a matter of if youâre willing to go down this rabbit hole of reconnection.
Itâs like the universe hears you and laughs. The ringing of the door fills the little cafe and youâre pushing yourself off the counter, nodding and Hyunwoo. âI got it,â you tell him, dropping your cup in the sink and walking over to the register.
Of course itâs Cheol standing in front of you. You canât tell if he found out your schedule from Joshua (but no, Joshua wouldnât do that to you) or if itâs just something like fate. Fate.
You sigh, preparing yourself for yet another onslaught of thoughts. âWhat can I get you?â
Thereâs something mischievous glinting in his eyes. âDonât you remember my usual?â Cheol attempts, and youâre surprised by his forwardness. Donât be shocked, you think. Cheol never backs down, never stops trying.
Do you give in? Just this once? He did help you out that nightâyou arenât sure if youâd be able to get home in one piece if it werenât for him. Then again, it couldâve just been one of Cheolâs kind favors, something that isnât reserved for only you, but just any drunk girl in general. You donât want to mistake his qualities of a gentleman with him holding out a figurative olive branch.
Trust me, his words are like a broken record in your mind.
Youâre thinking too much. Fuck, if he didnât hold out the olive branch that night, youâre going to try to now.
âIced latte with hazelnut syrup,â you say quietly, tapping it into the tablet. Youâre scared to look up because you know he's grinning. You shouldnât want to be the reason behind his smiles, but you do.
âThanks,â he chirps, holding out his card so you can turn around the tablet for him.
âYour order will come out on your left,â you tell him, not looking up. You expect things to stop now, for things to quietly go back to normal.
âHey, when do you get off?â
You do a double take to make sure you heard him correctly. âSorry?â You finally look up at him and god, you start to remember why you loved his smile so much.
âI asked when you get off from your shift? Six?â
âIâuh, yeah,â you reply without thinking. âHowâd you know?â
âThatâs when Joshua gets off on Fridays. Just a guess,â he shrugs. You purse your lips and donât respond, not sure where to take things from here; yeah you held out the branch but you didnât expect him to grab it just this quickly. âCan I stay until then?â
You should say no. You really should say no. But then youâre thrown back to three days ago and the words are sounding an awful lot like trust me, trust me, and then you realize you just canât deny him.
âOkay,â you say softly. You can tell from the look of relief on Cheolâs face that he wasnât expecting this, and you arenât sure what to take from that. As you turn to make his drink, you glance at the clock. Thirty seven minutes before your shift ends, and you canât figure out if youâre going to try and make the time before them fly or go slow.
Handing Cheol his drink, you donât say anything, your movements swift as you try and unbox your own feelings. Of course, you arenât given the liberty to do that, not when Hyunwoo is standing in front of you.
âIs that Seungcheol?â
âTake a wild guess,â you mutter, closing your eyes tightly for a moment. Maybe if you think hard enough youâll realize itâs just a dream where your actions have no real consequences.
âI thought you two didnât talk.â
âDid Joshua tell you that?â
âKind ofâŚmaybeâŚI sorta figured it out on my own,â Hyunwoo admits. âSorry, that sounds weird.â You sigh softly, feeling bad for how flustered Hyunwoo is.
âItâs okayâŚletâs just get back to work,â you suggest, turning away to clean up some of the counters with your extra time.
You donât notice it, but Cheol watches the conversation between you and Hyunwoo unfold, and while he canât hear what you two are saying, he has a feeling he wonât like it. He has to remind himself to not have high expectations, to not get his hopes up, just like Jeonghan and Joshua warn, but he just canât help it.
But when you agree to see him after your shift (he knows you didnât technically agree to that, but he knows you and is sure that you caught onto his underlying message), he just has to stay hopeful. So as he patiently waits for the clock to strike six, he thinks about what to say.
To be honest, this all happened on a whim. Again, he didnât really know that you were working today, he just happened to get lucky. Cheol himself isnât sure what exactly he wants to say to you, he just knows it is a lot.
He thinks about you a lot. The good, the bad, all the in betweenâSeungcheol misses you. And he knows that it isnât fair, that he shouldnât do this, that he doesnât have the rightâJoshua has made that clear to him on numerous occasions.
âSheâs fine without you.â
âButââ
âYou donât have a say about being in her life.â
âAnd you do?â Cheol shoots out.
Joshua steps back. âI donât either, but I know how sheâs doing better than you. I know how she felt after everything happened.â
Cheol pauses. That, Joshua did. Cheol didnât know anything, did he? âThis isnât about you, itâs about me and itâs about her.â
âThere is no you and her,â Joshua says bluntly. Cheol doesnât say anything, but he knows in his mind that he needs to change that.
Cheol lets the idea run through his mind, that he's making a royal mistake right now, and all this is going to amount to nothing. He doesnât mull over it for longer than ten seconds. He is going to do this, and if he doesnât, heâd be damned if he didnât at least try.
You get off your shift while Hyunwoo continues his. âYouâre going to talk to him?â he asks with knitted eyebrows, pointing at Cheol.
âUh, yeah,â you say sheepishly in the back, untying your apron. âDonât tell Joshua, heâll kick my ass,â you add, only only half joking. Joshua definitely wonât let you hear the end of this, but that is another problem for another time. Hanging up your apron, you grab your backpack from the shelf and slip to the back door. âSee you later!â you chirp, throwing Hyunwoo one last wave before you enter the seating area from the back to make your way to Cheol whoâs sitting at an elevated stool by the window.
Your once confident strides are much smaller now, you find yourself holding back each one more and more. Do you really want this? Trust me. Youâll just have to find out. âHey,â you say quietly, and this time you donât let your gaze fall, tapping on Cheolâs shoulder. He turns around quickly, straw in his mouth as he drinks the half finished drink with a smile.
âHey, youâre early,â he states casually, glancing at the time. Itâs 5:57.
âI guess,â you reply, voice as still as you can manage.
âYouâve probably been here for a while,â Cheol murmurs to himself, getting up from his seat. âYou want to go on a walk? The weather is nice right now.â
You want to roll your eyes and tease him, saying âitâs August, of course the weather is nice,â but you stop yourselfâyou arenât sure if youâre ready for that level of comfort yet. âSure,â you agree instead, adjusting your bag over your shoulder as you follow him out the door and onto the main street.
âHow was work? Stopped working at the bakery, huh?â he says, and you just donât get it. How is he being so casual? How is he acting like this is the first time you two have had a real conversation in months? How is heâyou donât even realize youâve stopped walking until he calls out your name. God, you really missed how it sounded when he said your name. âWhatâs wrong?â
You donât even think before responding. âWhat do you think is wrong?â Cheol is standing a few feet in front of you and the look on his face is confusingâŚyou canât read it. You arenât sure if itâs because heâs confused, or if itâs because you just arenât used to this, or what. Whatever it is, you donât like it.
âIâm sorry,â Cheol says softly, stepping forward. You still donât move. âIâuh shit, sorryâthis,â he brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose, âthis is weird, youâre right I just, I donât knowââ
âIs there something you want to say?â Your eyes bore into his, and Cheol knows he canât keep any secrets from you.
âIâm sorry.â
You nod. âOkay.â
âOkay?â he asks hopefully.
âWhat do you want me to say?â you ask with a shrug. âSorry for what?â
âA lot of things. Everything,â Cheol admits, and your eyes widen slightly at his honesty. You pretend to glance down at your watch.
âWell youâre going to have to be more specific,â you tell him truthfully, âand donât have a lot of time.â
âIâll come again!â he says quickly, holding his hands up as youâre about to walk towards your car. âWhen do you work? Tell me. Iâll come after every shift.â
âI work almost everyday.â
âIâll come everyday,â he says with no hesitation. Your heart tightens. You a month ago would have said fuck no, but then trust me, trust me is echoing in your head again and before you can stop yourself, youâre nodding.
âMondays and Tuesday I get off at 6, Wednesdays at 9, Thursdays atâŚâ
You used to believe Seungcheol always lived up to his promises. When you were younger, you couldnât think of a single time when he didnât go by his word. You trusted him, always, so when he broke the promise of âweâll stick togetherââarguably the only one that actually matteredâyou were shattered. You still are, or at least your trust is.
Right now, Cheol promises heâll come see you after every shift. You donât think you should trust him, but you do anyway, watching the clock to make sure heâs always here on time. You tell yourself you do it because you donât like to be kept waiting, but you know deep down that youâre just trying to find an excuse.
Youâre trying to justify your distrust, even though you already have a perfectly good reason for being tentative around Cheol. Somehow, whenever youâre with him, you forget about it all.
Itâs awkward most of the time. Well, more like youâre awkward and Cheol just pretends you arenât, acting all normal and like you arenât stumbling over your words and blanking out mid sentence.
Youâre not nervous, you just donât know what to say, the words getting lost in your head as you wonder whether or not thereâs a line and where it is and if you should cross it.
Today is the fifth day Cheol comes to see you after your shift. He comes in at 6:54 which is a bit earlier than usual, and itâs the first time that Joshua is seeing the scene unfold. As Cheol walks in, your friend throws you a careful glance before waving over at his friend and connecting fists as he hops over to take his order.
âIced latte withââ
âIâm not here for a drink,â Cheol says quickly, putting his hand up before he can watch Joshus key in his usual order.
âHuhâŚdid I miss something?â Joshua asks, checking his watch for any missed messages. You chew your lip and Cheol glances at you, realizing that you havenât told Joshua that you and him are speaking again.
âUh, no,â Cheol murmurs. He points at you and when he sees that you donât protest, he proceeds. âWeâre, uh, Iâm just waiting for her shift to end andââ he stops talking when Joshua whips his head around to stare at you with a look of bewilderment.
You nod shyly, untying your apron as you make your way to the back room. Joshua follows quickly behind you, closing the door behind him while you hang up the garment. âWhat does he mean by that?â
âI dunno, Josh,â you say, because honestly you arenât sure how to explain it either.
âRemember what you said?â he tells youâyou know where this is headed, and you really donât want him to bring it up. âYou said youâd never forgive them.â
You did say that. âIn a moment of anger,â you argue, grabbing your bag. You know heâs just being protective of you, but right now itâs getting on your nerves.
âAnd? Youâre just going to forgive him because he drove you home when you were drunk?â
âI havenât forgiven him!â you pause. âAt least not yet.â
âYouâre seriously going to forgive him after all that you said about moving on?â
âI have moved on, Joshua,â you tell him. Itâs true. âThereâs nothing wrong with letting him back in my life now, especially if he wants to.â
âAnd what if he fucks up again?â
You roll your eyes as you walk to the back door. âHowâs that supposed to happen? Thought you said he and Yejin broke up?â
âThey did, but that isnât the point.â
âThen what is?â you ask exasperatedly. âIâm old enough to make my own decisions. Youâre acting like I donât know the consequences of my actions. Youâre acting as if I wasnât the one who had to go through all that, so please just let me make this decision.â
Joshua steps back and sighs, and by the way he doesnât say anything as you open the door, you assume he has accepted defeat.
Cheol meets you on the other side of the door, wearing his usual smile. You can only pray that he didnât hear your conversation with Joshua. âHey,â he greets and you nod in response. Well if he heard anything, he pretends he doesnât. The truth is, Cheol hears every word, heâs just very good at putting a smile on his face.
You two walk out of the store silently and side by side. âHow was work?â Cheol asks.
âGood. Itâs most fun with Joshua,â you reply, walking on the sidewalk like you two usually do. You follow a trail down the street and through some parks for kids, always making a round trip back to your cafe where your car is parked.
The days have been getting shorter, and itâs evident by the way the sky is painted a deep orange right now. âDidnât sound like heâs too happy today,â Cheol comments, and you halt your steps for just a moment, realizing he did hear you two.
âUh, yeah,â you mumble. You two havenât talked about that since you started speaking again. All the things Cheol said he wanted to apologize for were left suspended in the air, waiting for one of you to pluck it out and face reality. Neither of you were ever really good at that. âIâm sorry you had to hear that.âÂ
âIâm sorry you had to say that,â Cheol responds almost instantly, standing in the middle of the sidewalk and turning to face you.
Your eyebrows furrow when you respond, âWhat?â
âI mean, shit, I worded that badly,â he groans, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck. âIâm sorry thatâŚyou knowâyou said youâd never forgive me and Iâm sorry. And I know you probably shouldnât forgive me but Iâm sorry.â
You certainly werenât expecting that, but then again, you need to remind yourself to never be surprised when it comes to Cheol. You bite back the words, âitâs okay,â because you arenât ready to say that, so instead you just nod. âOkay.â Your eyes glaze around your surroundings and they fall on a bench. Pointing at it, you say, âLetâs sit, yeah?â
You two sit side by side on the bench, and you think that this is the closest either of you have been in a long time, your thighs almost brushing against each otherâs. The sky darkens above you, and you usually would take this as your cue to go back to your car, but tonight, you stay.
Thereâs a question thatâs prodding at the back of your mind, and you chide yourself for even thinking about it. Donât ask him, donât do it, and you almost listen. Almost. You figure that the fact that youâre even here with Cheol right now is a sign that things are changing more than they already have, that youâre changing in ways that you didnât know you could, and Cheol is changing, and heâs changing for you.
Cheol senses it too, that youâre thinking deeply, and he waits. When youâre finally lifting your head and looking up at the sky, he turns to you as you open your mouth. âHow did you guys break up?â You canât bring yourself to say âyou and Yejin.â Itâs too painful of a reminder that there was once a Cheol and Yejin, and that it came at the expense of you and Cheol and Yejin.
He takes a deep breath and hesitates, but you donât retract your question. You feel after everything, you deserve to know, no matter how aching the memory is. âShe cheated on me.â
âOh.â
Cheolâs voice is flat for the first time since youâve started speaking again. âYeah,â he mutters. You purse your lips together, unsure of what to do, what to say. There was a time that you felt you knew all the right words, all the right things to do, but now youâre lost. Maybe itâs because Cheol has changed, but thenâno, itâs not him, itâs you. Youâve changed. You thought you didnât care, and that was true.
You didnât care about what happened to Cheol or Yejin or them because they had left you and there was nothing after that. You didnât care because caring wouldnât help you get either of them back, and you didnât care because caring only made long nights of you crying in your bed even longer.
But did you ever stop caring about Cheol? About Yejin? Thereâs a fine line, you realize, between caring about your relationship with someone and caring about them, and it hits you that not once did you not care about Cheol.
What would you have done if this had happened six months ago? What would you have said? You were never the best at words, but when it came to Cheol and Yejin, you always found some way to make them feel better. Looking over at Cheol, his head hangs low as he chews on his lip.
You reach over your hand and place it on his shoulder gently. âIâm sorry,â you tell him.
Cheol chuckles hollowly, causing you to frown deeply. âShouldnât I be the one saying that?â
âWe have time for that later,â you reply honestly, not breaking the contact even when he shifts a little, finally looking up at you.
âLater?â he asks hopefully. You smile and nod. This is a promise, you both know. Joshua is going to kill you for this later.
âHe got fired?â you snort. âDidnât he say he could get away with anything?â
âYeah,â Cheol chuckles. âAnd to be fair, he did get away with a lot. Honestly, Iâm surprised he didnât get fired months ago. He would give me and Soonyoung discounts all the time, it was crazy.â
âI remember thatâŚâ you say quietly.
âYeah, anyways, he got fired and now heâs complaining about not having extra cash. Minghaoâs telling him to just find another job but Hannie is convinced that heâll be able to convince his boss to hire him backâŚâ
âKnowing Jeonghan, he might just be able to pull that off.â
âWho knows,â Cheol murmurs with a shrug. âItâs late. Do you want to go?â
âWant me gone already?â you tease. Things are more comfortable now. It isnât the same as beforeâhow could itâbut itâs getting there. You arenât sure youâll ever be âback to the old days,â but you sure are trying to get as close as you can.
âYou know that isnât true,â he shoots back. You trust him, and if thatâs a mistake, you hardly care. Maybe this is where you start to crumble. âIâm just trying to make sure that itâs not too late when you get home.â
Heâs being caring, although it isnât unexpected. Cheol was always caring. âYouâre right,â you murmur, not wanting to admit that you might have wanted to sit here and talk to him a bit longer. You stand up, grabbing your back and he follows after you as you walk up the street in the direction of the shop. You return back to the conversation of Jeonghan and his antics both in and out of the workplace, and before you know it, youâre back at the parking lot.
Youâve grown to look forward to these meetingsâhow could you notâand it does kill a little bit of self control inside of you every time you realize that fact.
âYou gonna go now?â he asks softly, and as you stop walking, you let the tension grow thick. This part is always awkward. You donât know if itâs fitting to say âbyeâ or âgoodbyeâ or âsee you laterâ or hug him or wave orâyou usually settle for a smile but thereâs a growing ache in your heart which tells you that maybe you want more.
Cheol seems to think the same, and it all happens so quickly, too quickly, and suddenly youâre going dizzy and your world is spinning.
Choi Seungcheolâs lips are soft.
And they donât press against yours for more than a second before you place your hands on his chest and push him back. You almost indulge. Almost.
âWhy would you do that?â you whisper, not meeting his gaze. Cheol runs a hand through his hair, steeping back with wide eyes.
âFuck,â he mutters. âFuck, I am so sorry. I donât know what I was thinkingâshit, shit, shitâIâm sorry, Iâm so sorââ
You ball your fists and your face contorts into some ugly sort of grimace. âStop saying that!â you cry out, and Cheol stills. âStop fucking saying youâre sorry! I-I-I hate it!â
âWhat?â and the hurt is more than evident in his voice.
âI know youâre sorry, okay? I get it,â you tell him exasperatedly. âAnd you keep saying itâyouâre sorry for everything, youâre sorry for all of it. Itâs all you say, but maybe if you just stopped and thought for a second youâd realize that no matter how much you keep saying it, I have not once said itâs okay.â
He gapes at you for a moment but recovers quickly, running a hand through his hair. âIââ he pauses, âI donât know how else to tell you. Itâs been a few weeks andââ
âYou didnât speak to me for six months,â you spit out, and you wonder if this is what itâs all going to come down to. The past month of you figuring out your emotions, working out what you want, whatâs good for you, whatâs notâyouâre afraid that right now it will all amount to nothing.
Maybe you two were in your heads too long. Maybe this was your harsh pull back down to the ground.
âSix months, Seungcheol,â you repeat, and he winces when you use his full name.
âI know, Iâm sââ
âYouâre sorry, I know,â you say quieter this time, slumping against the wall. His lips were so warm, so soft, you still feel their ghost on your lips. You calm down for a second at the thought, but then your anger bubbles up when you remind yourself that Yejin got to taste him too. Got to have him, love him, cherish him for those six months. Jealousy doesnât suit you, but that isnât what this is about anyways. Right now, all it does is fuel your heat.
âI justâI donât know how to really say it,â Cheol admits.
âWell you should figure that out,â you tell him harshly. âI canât stand here forever, waiting for you to find the right words.â
âYouâre right, I know.â
âDo you?â you ask, exhausted. Itâs all catching up to you knowâyouâre tired, so tired.
âI do.â
Do you trust Cheol?
âI donât believe you,â your voice quivers when you say it, and Cheol feels his heart break at the sound. âI canât.â
âI knowâthatâs my fault, I know.â
âWhat are you going to do about it?â
âIâm trying.â You know he is, there isnât a doubt in your mind. Inhaling deeply, you choose your words carefully.
âWe need to talk about everything,â you tell him slowly.
âOkay,â Cheol agrees quickly. âOkay, where do you want to start?â
âWhere do you think we should start? I think thatâs where we should start.â
Cheol sucks in a breath and pinches his eyebrows together. You can tell that he, just like you, is making sure he doesnât say anything heâll regret. âWell, the beginning, I guess,â he sighs, and you open your mouth in protest but he holds his hand out to stop you. âOkay just listen.â âFine.â
âI found out Yejin liked me in January,â he tells you.
âThat was a month beforeâŚâ your voice trails off and he nods.
âBefore we got together andâŚâ And we stopped talking to you. He doesnât say, doesnât need to. âYeah. Chaeyoung told me. Yejin didnât know I knew untilâŚâ
âUntil you started liking her,â you mutter under your breath. You furrow your eyebrows and look up at him. âYou know I know this, right? Joshua told me when you told him.â
Cheol seems surprised by that. âWhat, really?â you arenât sure why he never expected thatâyou and Joshua are pretty much like siblings, after all.
âYeah. I think I knew before Yejin,â you admit. Your voice is small, and the way the entire event of six months ago is playing out in your head is a not so nice reminder of why youâre in this situation in the first place.
âOh.â Silence. âWhy didnât you say anything?â
You frown. âWhat was I supposed to say? âNo Cheol! Donât like Yejin! Like me!ââ you say in a mocking tone. âWhy would I do that to her? Why would I do that to you?â you were calm a moment ago, but you feel yourself growing upset again.
âI thought youââ Cheol thinks for a moment, wondering if he should say it, ââI thought you liked me.â
âI did,â you seethe out. âBut did you think I was going to beg you to change your mind? To change your feelings?â Cheol is quiet now, and you take it as your cue to continue. âIâŚI cared about you and Yejin so muchââ thatâs a lie (you still do)ââand you should know that if you guys were happy I would be okay with that.â
âWhat about your feelings? Why didnât you do anything about that?â Cheol shoots back, and itâs starting to sound an awful lot like your last conversation with Yejin.
âYou claim you love him but youâre just willing to give him up like that? Thatâs pathetic. You are pathetic.â
You feel tears stream down your cheeks at the memory and you need to remind yourself that it isnât worth crying overâbut then again, it is. âI wouldâve dealt with my feelings just as I have been for the past six monthsâby myself and totally fine.â
Cheol doesnât have a response to that, because if thereâs one thing he wonât even attempt to refute, itâs this. Because after everything, you have been okay. You have been healing. It killed him every time Joshua would tell him youâre doing fine, because he wasnât doing fine and he was having a really, really hard time accepting that.
He knows itâs unfair, Cheol knows heâs being anything but fair, but he just doesnât know how to help it.
Itâs the worst that youâre crying nowâcrying âcause of him. Because Cheol knows that you were okay and it was him that decided to butt back in your life to try and make amends, and you being you, decided to let him back in and fuckâhe knows heâs being selfish by doing all this and he know he doesnât deserve this yet you are still here, trying to hear him out.
âI fucked up, I donât deserve a second chance.â
You choke back a sob, âDamn right you donât,â and Cheol knows that youâre right.
âIâm still going to try.â
You brush some tears away from your face. âI know.â
You go home that night without another word, and Cheol only stops you to make sure youâve stopped crying before you start the car and drive off. Itâs the next day, and you canât help but glance back and forth between the door and clock as your shift nears its end.
âYou waiting for him?â Hyunwoo asks you from the side, and you feel a little bit bad at the way his voice sounds a bit sad.
âUhââ Are you waiting for Cheol? ââI guess, yeah.â Thereâs no reason for you to deny it. Youâve replayed last nightâs conversation more times than you can count, and you still arenât sure how to feel. You need to see him.
As the time nears six, an uneasy feeling pools at your stomach, and you wonder what youâll do if he doesnât show up. End it for good? Add it to the list of reasons why you should never talk to him again? Block hâ
The bell above the door ringing saves you from that rabbit hole. Itâs 5:59 and Cheol waits in front of the door and for once, he isnât donning a smile. Looking at Hyunwoo, you throw out a small wave before slipping to the back room. Hyunwoo doesnât follow you, he stopped doing that after the first two times Seungcheol started coming, although you arenât sure why. Itâs a passing thought though, definitely not at the forefront of your mind as you hang your apron routinely and exit through the back door.
Cheol waits for you by the door and you donât say anything as you both leave through the front. The atmosphere is thick and you arenât sure who is going to say what and when. Itâs only when youâve walked around two minutes down your regular path that Cheol stops in front of that bench. Flickering his eyes towards yours for a moment of confirmation, he sits down and motions you to follow. You sit side by side and once again, you two are almost touching, but arenât quite there just yet.
âSo,â you finally say. âWhere were we?â
âThat night,â Cheol replies quietly, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. You glance over at him and canât help but realize howâŚsmall he looks. You want to reach out and hold him for a moment, but you shouldnât.
âWhat about that night?â you murmur. Thereâs too much about that night for you to even fathom what heâs thinking about.
âWhat did Yejin say to you? In the room?â he asks.
âDoes that matter?â You seriously don't want to recount it, but then Cheol is nodding and you just have to give in. âShe was madâŚsame reason as you,â you mumble.
âWhat do you mean?â
âDidnât like how I was accepting of it all,â you sigh, leaning back. âI think she just got sick of me,â you finally confess. âDidnât like me anymore, and then she thought I was pathetic or something and used that as an excuse to justâI dunno, drop me.â You pause, turning to look at him again. âWhat did she tell you?â
You know you probably shouldnât ask. Itâll be painful, you know, but youâre confident you can handle it.
âShe said it couldnât workâŚthe three of us. That it was either me ânâ her or nothing, because nothing could go back to normal after this.â
You look down. âOkay.â
âOkay?â
âYou believed her?â
âWell, at the time,â Cheol murmurs, âYeah I did.â
âOkay.â
âIâm sorry.â Trust me, trust me. âI liked that she liked me. I liked her and I thought I was going to lose you either way andââ
âI said okay.â
âIs it okay?â
âI donât know,â you tell him honestly. âI beat myself up a lot for all that, you know? Wondered what she couldâve said that made you not wanna fight to be my friend.â You scoff to yourself. âI guess we both suck at that.â
âHuh?â
âYou know: fighting for what we want,â you clarify.
âThat can change,â Cheol says, clearing his throat. âIâm fighting right now.â
That conversation is the first of many. One month later and Cheol is still fighting. Itâs your birthday, and you arenât surprised that he remembers, but you are surprised when he gets you a gift. A new apron. âYour old one is gettingâŚwell, old.â
Youâre both sitting at the bench once again, and for the first time, your thighs brush against each otherâs fully. Itâs warm, itâs welcoming, itâs soft. Maybe you and Cheol havenât finished crossing the bridge yet, but youâve definitely finished building it. Thereâs time for the rest later. You want to focus on you and him now.
âI wonder why,â you say sarcastically, taking it out of the bag. âItâs cuteâhey, is this my name?â you ask excitedly, holding up the little spot on the top with some letter embroidered in.
âUh, yeah, itâs custom and allâŚI got Minghao to help me with the design.â You smile genuinely, turning to him.
âThank you, I love it.â
âThank god. Jeonghan said it was a stupid gift but I thought it was thoughtfulâŚâ
âJeonghan once got you a rubber duck for your birthday, so I would take everything he says about gift-giving with a big fat grain of salt.â
âHey, I still have that duck,â he tells you, and you both laugh together. âItâs in the bathroom, I only take it down for special occasions.â
âSpecial occasions beingâŚ?â
Cheol taps his chin. âHmmâŚbirthdays, the last day of school, ChristmasâŚIâd like to think my luck is pretty great whenever I use it.â
âIs that soâŚâ you hum. âWhen was the last time you used it?â
âLike two days ago.â
âNothing special happened two days ago.â Thatâs a lie, and he sees right through it.
Cheol smiles smugly. âI know. It was just right before I came to see you.â Your cheeks burn as you turn away.
Two days ago being the last time you and him talked about all of it. From beginning to end, just like you had so many times before except for the first time, you were finally able to utter the words, âitâs okay, weâre okay.â
âRightâŚmaybe luck really was on your side then,â you tease.
âWhatever,â Cheol says with a pout, watching you glance at your phone. âDo you need to go? I thought you didnât have anything planned?â
âI donât,â you say with a huff. âI just saw that my birthday gift from my parents got delivered. Itâs fine, Iâll pick it up when I get home later.â You ponder whether this is the right moment to bring it up. âYou can⌠come along if you want.â
Itâs almost as if his ears perk up. âTo your place?â
âUm, yeah,â you try to come off as casual. âOnly if you want,â you add quickly, and he picks up on the double meaning right away.
Which is how you end up here.
âHavenât been here in so long,â Cheol murmurs, looking over your apartment. Itâs the exact same, save for some pictures with Yejin and him that have since been taken down. He would have been upset about it a month ago, but now he is content. It only makes it a goal for him to take more pictures with you now so youâll have some to put up.
âMhm,â you nod, putting your bag down on your kitchen counter.
âHeyâŚâ he says softly as you flick on one light. Itâs dim, but thereâs just enough light for you to see the worried look on his face.
âEverything alright?â
He chews on his lips and he looks pretty. âI need to know where your head is at right now,â he admits. Thereâs a lot of different meanings to what heâs just asked, but with the way heâs looking at you, you have a pretty good idea of what heâs trying to say. âI donât want to misread anything like the last time Iâthe last time.â The last time he kissed you.
You look down at the counter. You brought him here for a reason, but are you ready?
Trust me, trust me.
Of course you are. With Cheol, youâll always be ready.
So when heâs pushing you up against the wall, hands grappling at your waist, feeling his warm, wet lips against you, you donât waste a single second thinking about anyone else. You donât think about what Joshua will say, you donât think about how Jeongyeon will react, you donât think about the look on Yejinâs face if she were to ever find out about this because right now, itâs Cheol thatâs in front of you, and itâs Cheol that will always be in front of you.
One leg around his torso, your mouth smashes against his in a tangled mess of tongue and lip and itâs desperate and has you aching for more. And then heâs leading you to your bedroom and you are reminded of the fact that Cheol knows this place so well that he doesnât even need to ask for directions.
Throwing you onto the bed your mind goes blankâitâs as if all the happiness in the world rushes to you at once, leaving you all light-headed and disoriented when Cheol clambers on top of you, his thigh wedged between your legs.
With his fingers pressed deeply into your hips as he runs his tongue along your jawline,rocking your clothed cunt against Cheolâs bare thigh, his gym shorts hiked up so that you can press your core as close to him as possible. Your breath is slightly labored as his lips press open mouthed kisses all the way down, and you feel yourself become increasingly needy at the way you can see the imprint of his cock against his shorts.
âShitâyouâre soâwait,â he murmurs, pulling his lips away from your burning skin to bore his eyes down at you. âIs this okay?â he asks softly, pulling his knee back so thereâs some space between you and him. Cheol doesnât expect for your eyes to widen, hand shooting out and grabbing his thigh to make sure it doesnât move another inch.
âYes,â you gasp out, pulling his leg so hard that he stumbles forward a bit when you do, the hard muscle pressing back against your core. Cheol lets the initial shock of you being needy for him settle in, and suddenly heâs grinning and having one hand back at your waist, the other at your neck so he can tilt your head up and have better access to skin over your collarbone.
His fingers are rough and calloused as they slip beneath your shirt, pushing it up just far enough that your bra is exposed. Hovering above you, you watch through hazy vision as Cheolâs eyes dilate at the sight, swooping his head down to free one of your tits from the cup and catching a nipple in his mouth.
Your body jerks against his as he swipes a tongue over the hardened peak, and suddenly you feel that thereâs too much fabric between you and his thigh. âCh-cheol,â you mutter, tapping at his head that is currently burning beneath your shirt while he sneaks kisses all up and down your stomach, between your tits, and over your cleavage.
âWhat is it, baby?â he coos, pulling his head out and looking up at you, the pet name shooting shivers up our spine.
âPantsâahââ you whine when he presses his thigh harder into you. âPants!â you cry, trying your best to unbutton them with shaky fingers. Cheol picks up right away, helping you unzip them before hooking two fingers on the waistband and yanking the fabric down and over your feet, freeing yourself and your pussy of its unbearable restraints.
âFuck, this isâyouâre so hot,â he murmurs, looking down at your bare legs and tracing his fingers from your ankles to your knees, and then finally through your inner thighs where he bends down and starts to place rough kisses.
Usually, if he was in his right mind, Cheol would have wanted to take his sweet time with you, unraveling, unwinding all of you. But heâs figured that both of you have waited long enough and that you both deserve to be needy, to be desperate, to let this moment pass as quickly as it started because there will be plenty of time for a round two and three later on.
All you need right now is to feel each other, which is how he ends up pushing your panties to the side and digging his tongue into your dripping folds without warning. âCheol!â you moan loudly, your hand gripping his hair tightly while he simultaneously wraps one arm over your hips, pulling you closer.
Seungcheol is going crazy, he thinks, because the taste of your pussy is better than any alcohol heâs ever drunk. Youâre sweet and your cunt is literally fluttering its pretty fuck folds all for him as he slides one finger through them to collect your growing wetness. He feels himself growing high on the feeling and taste alone, his own hips pressing into the mattress in hopes of relieving some of the tension in his own pants.
Thereâs a slobbering mess that runs down his lips and chin as he fervently makes out with your pussy, and you briefly wonder how a man can be so good at making you feel this good before the thought is swept from your mind by one of Cheolâs thick fingers prodding at your entrance.
Holy hell, youâre so tight for himâgummy walls clamping down on his single digit the second he started to move it in and outâta you, his mind racing as he thinks about how you might feel around his cock. And Cheol isnât the only one thinking about it either, because when heâs slipping in another finger, youâre already crying out for more.
âI gotta work you up to it baby,â he tells you sympathetically, using one free hand to shove down his pants leaving him in only a shirt and boxers.
âDonât wanna waitâŚâ you protest with a pout, eyes shamelessly looking down at his figure hunched over you so you can catch sight of the imprint of his cock against his boxers.
Cheol chuckles, even though heâs on the brink of giving in himself. âTake your shirt off for me, yeah? Itâll save us some time.â Thatâs all you need to hear before youâre sitting up and yanking the stupidly tight shirt over your head and throwing it to the side as Cheolâs fingers continue their onslaught deep inside your cunt.
Itâs less of an in and out motion now, and more of a curling motion thatâs exploring you, finding out what makes you hum, what makes you moan, and what makes you goââOh fuck, Cheol!â He grins at the sound, leaning down to press a kiss on your clit as he pulls his slick fingers away.
âYou wanted more?â he murmurs, slipping his own shirt over his head to reveal the familiar set of abs and toned chest. You let out a dazed smile at the sight, letting your body fall back onto the mattress.
ââcourse I do,â you reply without hesitation, watching eagerly as his hand holds the waistband of his boxers and pushes the cloth down, revealing his cock all thick and hard as it springs out and hits his abdomen.
Itâs long and itâs thick, and itâs nothing less than what you expected from Cheol, in fact, itâs a lot more than that. But you donât even have time to think about how pretty his cock looks, pink tip all flushed as a thick vein runs down the side of its length, because itâs pushing against your entrance as he watches your face carefully.
When your eyebrows knit into a convulsion of pleasure and you squeak out his full name, he knows he can't hold back, slamming into your drooling cunt in one go.
And his cock is so big itâs pushing you open, but the pain is so good, so enthralling, that you donât even mind being split in half if itâs like thisâif itâs because every time he pulls his hips back, you know heâll slam it deeper and deeper every single time, hitting spots deep inside of your cunt that you didnât even know existed.
All while your limbs are flailing around him, thrashing as you bite into his shoulder, muffling your cries of, âCheol, Cheol, Cheol!â
Your name falls from his lips too, mixed in with the mindless words of, beautiful, pretty, princess as he compliments you for takinâ him so well and squeezinâ him so good he doesn't know how he hasnât bust already.
âGod, fuck,â he moans when you look up at him through heavy lashes, tethering his boto m lip between his teeth to try and slow his impending orgasm. âFuck,â he chokes out, âshitâI love youââ
And there is your breaking point. Like the world has come to a stop and there is only you and Cheol and this moment andâgod, you really are too far gone nowâand him and you is all that matters.
You cum like you never have before, his cock battering your cunt âtil youâre shaking and crying and yelling out his name as you feel nothing but him, think nothing but him, know nothing but him.
This is the moment youâve both been waiting for, and as soon as Cheol has noticed your slower breaths heâs pulling out and letting you wrap one hand around his fat cock to help jerk himself off. Heâs so closeâso fucking closeâand then youâre whispering those fated wordsâthose three wordsâhe feels everything in him just snap, hot cum shooting all over your swollen, abused cunt, and Cheol feels his heart swell.
Love.
Thereâs a lot more you need to work on, you both know that, but itâs okay.
Trust me, trust me.
I love you.
a/n. literally wrote the last part half asleep and i hate the ending but... okay wow ⌠i had a tough time writing this because i really wanted it to be taken slow and iâm not really sure how well it went ⌠also this story might have been a bit a lot of a reflection of a friendship that went wrong in my own life LOL so this might be me playing out how i wish things ended up :/so anyways please sharing ur thoughts and like and reblog!
#choi seungcheol smut#seventeen smut#mika <3#oh my god#i cannot believe you'd put me through such visceral emotions#on cheol day no less!!!!!#reading fics like this makes me realise i am maybe too resentful and unforgiving lmao#Reader is so much better than me because i would tell Cheol to choke if he tried to contact me again đđđ#Josh was a little excessive but i was with him throughout this lmao#i do like how you went about exploring the mending of their relationship#it wasn't seamless or linear#it was messy and bumpy and all over the place and think that's been my favourite part of this particular fic#it feels very human in that way and i really appreciated it#also reader going off on Jeonghan? another highlight and beyond deserved#like who do yoi think you're talking too?????? boo fucking hoo cheol is upset#anyways lmao them jumping each other as soon as they got to Reader's place i am :)))))))))))))) fine#i mean same lmao#sex between people who have been pining for each other for so long and love each other through the messiness of existence >>>>>>#let me stop being melodramatic in the tags đ#q: painting with hyunjin
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oh dear...i am having tumblr problems....i must crawl and beg to the tumblr lords for assistance....woe is me~
#yeah so#my community is hella broken#for starters...though i be an admin...i cannot access any settings for the community#i don't know if that's normal or if that's just just a bug#SECONDLY... despite the community being 'invite only' (something i don't believe i selected myself btw) i am still unable to invite people#when i try...a message pops up saying 'this person cannot be invited yet'.#yet...? YET?? What does that mean dude?? must they complete seven preliminary trials to prove their worthiness???#is it because i just received this community yesterday?? do i need to have posted there a certain number of times???#what is the mysterious criteria that will let my buddies into my unintentionally apparently highly exclusive community???#guh....must discuss with the tumblr lords...#tumblr community#tumblr communities#<-if anyone reads these tags and knows what's up please tell me. i'm clueless.
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thinking about... diluc ships...
#âhey sun why don't you like this diluc shipâ#âthe majority of the shippers believe in its superiority over kluc and the very thought of it leaves a bad taste in my mouth nowâ#in an ideal world i would ship literally everybody with diluc#alas i cannot do that until ppl develop basic reading comprehension#and respect for the original chinese#until every anti apologises for thinking kluc are brothers i will not know peace#âwhy do you ship incestâ if i shipped incest i would WANT them to be brothers did you think about that#in fact kluc incest shippers make it a POINT that they're brothers bc they're smart enough to KNOW they're not supposed to be brothers#which would be really obvious to anyone with 2 braincells to rub together#do you ever get really mad at the existence of stupid people#this is what it's like to like a ship that is the main punching bag for antis#honestly kluc isn't even my favourite diluc ship in a vacuum#it doesn't even make top 5#but it's like the ultimate genshin fan litmus test#i simply feel the need to defend it bc it does NOT deserve the hate it gets#and i feel like only kluc artists are truly safe#which backfires sometimes because whew the kluc fandom has had some DRAMA and i'd really like if we were less of an echo chamber actually#is this what sheith fans had to deal with i'm so sorry#anyway uh rant over#uh how do i tag this for ppl who don't want a wall of tags#tag rant#sorry for being a bit of a bitch here
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