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waveypedia · 3 years

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The Real Deal

Ao3

Lena comes to the Nine-Tailed Diner just often enough for the waiters to know her face, but not often enough for them to know her name. She prefers it that way. The anonymity is comforting, but she knows in her gut it’s just an illusion when the waiters give her familiar smiles as she slides into her usual spot in the corner.

There was a time, before she met Webby, when Lena would scowl and duck her head away from the waiters’ friendly greetings. Where the mere notion of being noticed would make her gut churn and blood boil.

Not anymore.

Lena taps her carefully manicured nails against the smooth table as she waits, watching the cozily bustling diner. She’s not usually one for nail polish, but Dewey was just so excited when he saw the color that perfectly matched her magic, and despite her snarky exterior she couldn’t say no to Dewey’s infectious excitement when he bounced up to her with the bottles of nail polish. She smiles at the memory.

If Lena from a year and a half ago could see her now, she’d be unrecognizable. That’s not such a bad thing, Lena muses.

She pulls out her phone and quickly scrolls through social media, smiling when a picture of Webby pops up on her feed. Webby doesn’t post much, but when she does, just seeing her face never fails to make Lena smile.

The noise of the city and the harbor outside eventually fades into a calming white noise in the back of Lena’s mind. She’s used to the city. It was her home for fifteen years. But the sound of a particular car pulling up to the curb jerks Lena out of her thoughts, and she presses her face to the window, filled with an almost childlike glee.

A familiar car, light green and blocky and just as eccentric as its owner, putters at the curb. Lena can only see into the drivers’ side, but she snorts as she spots a familiar stupid-looking hat and chuckles to herself. Soon enough, a familiar face pops out from the other side of the car, looks to the corner window expectantly, and waves enthusiastically. Lena grins and waves back.

The bell on the diner door jingles, right on schedule, and Lena’s friend nearly sprints over to her booth.

“Hi, Lena!” Boyd chirps, and Lena grins.

“Hi,” she responds, significantly less energetic but with the same sentiment behind it.

Every month, Lena and Boyd meet at the Nine-Tailed Diner, just the two of them. It started one day when it was supposed to be all of the kids, but the McDuck kiddos were called away on an adventure, Violet had a school project, and Gosalyn was busy in St. Canard. It doesn’t take a genius to recognize how similar Lena and Boyd’s unique situations and backstories are.

Lena didn’t realize how lonely she was until she had someone who shared her experiences.

Boyd rubs at his elbow. It’s a nervous stim, and Lena’s attention is piqued. If Gyro said something insensitive to him again, well, he may be tall, but he’s a skinny twink, I can take him—

“Lena?”

Lena bites back a swell of nervousness and feigns casualness. “Hm?”

“How… do you feel about Webby?”

Lena blinks. “Well, I like her. You know that, dummy.”

“Yeah, but… how does that feel? You know… liking someone?” Boyd won’t meet her eyes.

Lena frowns. “What do you mean? Doesn’t everyone feel that way?”

Boyd stares at the table, lip trembling, and Lena ponders.

She doesn’t entirely know how to describe how she feels about Webby. Before Webby, it was just her and Aunt Magica. The two of us against the world, Lena always told herself, but it was always the world against Aunt Magica, with Lena sandwiched in the middle. And then she grew to hate Magica as well, like she always should have. For so long, Lena only knew hatred and apathy, whoever it may be directed to.

And then she met Webby.

And then she met Webby, and everything changed.

Webby was—is—a literal ray of sunshine. When Webby’s smiling face pops up in Lena’s view, when her bubbling laugh or high voice makes Lena’s heart sing. It’s stereotypical and cliché beyond belief, much to Lena’s chagrin, but that’s how she feels . If Huey offered her a thesaurus he must have stored in his Junior Woodchuck Guidebook somewhere (that thing has everything — it’s kind of ridiculous, honestly) she wouldn’t change it. There’s no other way to describe it.

“I… don’t know,” Lena hums. “Just… whenever I see her, I instantly feel better. It’s free serotonin, y’know?”

Boyd hums in acknowledgement, and after a moment of semi-awkward silence Lena continues.

She’s never been all that good about putting her feelings into words. She’s not particularly wordy like Huey, and she doesn’t have Violet’s extensive vocabulary (although she’s picked up quite a few words and phrases from the Sabrewing family). Not that she cares about it. It makes these kind of conversations difficult, though. But for Boyd, she will try.

“She was the first person to ever care about me,” Lena muses, fidgeting with the hem of her oversized sweater under the table. She’s had it forever. It feels like home, in the same way Webby does. “She has a special place in my heart. She was my first friend, but it’s different than my relationship with the boys, or Vi, or you.”

Boyd nods and avoids her gaze. He’s unhappy with that conclusion, although Lena can’t fathom why.

“So… by that logic,” Boyd begins, “I should be in love with Huey, right?”

Lena shrugs. It is true that Huey directly parallels Webby in their respective situations. “However you want to define it, dude.”

Boyd flexes his fingers. He’s still unhappy.

“Look, I’m not gonna judge you,” Lena says, snorting slightly and raising her hands placatingly in front of her. “I know homophobia is A Thing, but I literally just talked extensively about how I’m head over heels for another girl, so…”

“Homophobia is terrible,” Boyd responds finally. “I genuinely do not understand how people could think such a thing! How does one act so cruelly to another just because of something so trivial as sexual orientation?”

Lena presses her lips together. “Beats me, dude.”

After a moment, she adds, “So what’s your problem, then?”

Boyd’s head jerks up. “Huh?”

“You’re clearly disappointed about something ,” Lena says, gesturing with her arms and raising her eyebrows. “I know you well enough, ‘cause of these dumb meetings. I’m just gonna point out they were your idea.”

Boyd smirks, ever so slightly. “You love them, though.”

Lena looks away and crosses her arms pointedly, but allows the smallest of smiles to slip through her mask. Boyd cackles at that.

“But seriously. What’s botherin’ you?”

“By all accounts… I should feel that way about Huey. I don’t care about genders, and I feel differently about him than I feel about you and the other kids. But saying I love him, it just doesn’t feel right.” Boyd rubs at his arm.

“Hey, that’s fine!” Lena replies. “That’s kinda how I feel about labels, y’know? Webby likes ‘em, but I don’t.” She narrows her eyes and leans forward with her elbows on the table. “Is Huey pressuring you? ‘Cause if he is I’ll—”

“No! Nononono, Lena, it’s fine,” Boyd chuckles nervously, raising his hands placatingly in front of him. “If anything, I guess I’m pressuring myself. Logically, based on all accounts I have consulted, I should be in love. But…”

Lena gives an exaggeratedly frustrated sigh, making Boyd chuckle despite himself.

“Look, Pink tells me aaaaalll the time that my magic isn’t logical. Especially friendship magic. It follows its own rules, and it’s about looove and the power of friendship or whatever. So cheesy. But I guess your love might be the same thing.”

Lena takes a deep breath and leans back in the diner booth. “Stop pushing your feelings into dumb little boxes they don’t belong in. They won’t fit.”

Boyd smiles at her, small but not muted. “Thanks, Lena.”

Lena glances away, staring pointedly out the window. ��Whatever. Don’t expect it to happen again.”

Boyd just giggles at that. His laughter is frustratingly infectious, and after a moment Lena finds herself chuckling alongside him.

The rest of the afternoon flits by, and for the life of her Lena cannot recall what they talked about. But their first topic of conversation, and Boyd’s worry, sits heavy on her mind for a while to come.

When Doctor (unofficially, shh, if the news got out that he had never finished his doctorate because of those ridiculous geese Gyro would be ruined ) Gyro Gearloose secured a job with McDuck Industries, he did not expect his precious lab would be run afoot by small children. Not even by Fenton, who acts more like a small child than some of these literal small children sometimes.

It’s almost closing time, but that has never mattered to McDuck Industries’ research branch. Even if Fenton and Manny go home eventually, Gyro has spent weeks on end in the lab. He will outlast them all.

Well, he used to. Before his team and his boss dragged him out to see the sunlight. And before Boyd.

For the record, Gyro did not forget about closing time. Not this time. He was working with that infernal little rodent, who, along with the blue nephew, had somehow wormed Mr. McDuck into allowing her to take some freelance work in the research department. Gyro’s department.

...He did have to admit that Gadget Hackwrench was frustratingly proficient at mechanics and machinery. Especially since she was so small. She was a great help to Gyro’s newest project, which required a lot of rough mechanical know-how.

Gadget, unlike the rest of them, was not incredibly self-sacrificial and actually liked clocking out when she was supposed to. She had to go home to her Rescue Avengers, or whatever they were called. Gyro couldn’t wrap his head around her way of thinking.

So they were tinkering away at the panel of the machine when Gadget glanced at the clock and reminded him of her obligations. She was packing up when Boyd came in.

“Dr. Gearloose!” Boyd, chipper as ever, entered the lab and bounced up to Gyro’s workstation. He was a bundle of energy, reminiscent of the blue and pink children. His hands darted around him like a hummingbird, never quite staying in one place long enough for Gyro’s tired brain to process. After a minute of unconsciously trying to watch and comprehend it, Gyro glanced away and rubbed at his forehead under his glasses while Boyd greeted Gadget with the same enthusiasm.

Wait. Was it really enthusiasm?

Pushing his glasses up his nose, Gyro watched carefully as Boyd flitted around Gadget, mentally comparing his movements and stims with what he knew of happy Boyd. And yes. It was off.

Gadget packed up, and Gyro slowly but carefully placed his wrench down and turned to face Boyd, leaning against his desk in a facade of casualness.

“So.”

“Can you fix me?”

Gyro pinches the bridge of his nose. “What did you do?”

Boyd clasps his hands nervously in front of him. “No. No. Nothing! I just… I know how I’m supposed to feel, but I don’t feel like that! So I must be broken!”

Gyro stares at Boyd like he’s grown a second head —- which, with Gyro’s robotics, is actually plausible. “Pft, you’re not broken. You think you could be broken?! I made you, kid. I fixed you up after Akita tampered with you. The great Gyro Gearloose does not make mistakes.”

Manny taps something unsupportive, and Fenton and Gadget both —- purposefully badly —- hide their laughter. Gyro screeches something incomprehensible at them. It doesn’t matter what he says; the point gets across.

Boyd is still staring up at Gyro, with that hero-worship puppy-dog look in his eyes that he wears so well, and he looks so scared that Gyro’s heart twists. His body sags, and he sighs and rolls his eyes and gestures for Boyd to follow. He perks up, and is immediately at Gyro’s heels with a characteristic grin, but his hands are trembling. Did he teach himself to do that?

Gyro kneels in front of Boyd, behind his desk, and stares into his eyes. Not in a symbolic way —- if he focuses just right, he can see the circuitry in his head.

Gyro purses his lips. “Everything looks fine. I told you I don’t make mistakes.”

“But—- But Lena’s in love with Webby and Dewey’s had three crushes in the past month and I don’t feel anything like that, ever! Lena says it’s fine but she’s had one girlfriend and that worked out for her perfectly and I’m happy for her and Webby, I really am, but I don’t know how to make it work for me and it must be some sort of error in the programming and I—-I just want to be a real boy!”

“Whoa, whoa!” Gyro shoves his hands in front of him reflexively. He pulls them back, out of Boyd’s face, when he processes and realizes how overwhelming that gesture could be. Boyd buries his face in his hands. “You are a real boy.”

Boyd gives him a tiny nod and doesn’t respond. Gyro’s throat feels tight and constricting, bile building up inside. He wants to say something and break the tension and silence, but he doesn’t know what or how.

“Love isn’t everything,” he says lamely after a minute. “I didn’t fall in love until Fenton, honestly. Not for real. Della said something about ‘demiromanticism,’ whatever the hell that is, and she says Mr. McDuck is the same way, but honestly I don’t really care. I don’t need to compartmentalize and hyper-analyze every aspect of myself that way. But if you want to, you could talk to her. Or the red nephew. He’d know.”

It’s weird, being this open and honest about his thoughts and feelings that aren’t inventions and blueprints. A part of Gyro is screaming at himself to close, shutter the windows and pull the walls back up and raise the prickly spikes to defend against anyone who dares get close. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, really.

Strike that. He knows why. It’s Boyd . He’ll do anything to bring that kid’s sunny disposition back. And he knows why he’ll do that, too.

“Demiromanticism?” Boyd places a finger on his chin and tilts his head ever so carefully to the side, testing out the feel of the word. “What’s that?”

Gyro shrugs lazily. “I dunno. Some fancy way of saying I only want a relationship with people who get close to me. Which is a very exclusive circle.”

Boyd pauses. Blinks. Gyro can nearly see the wheels turning in his head. “If there’s a term for that, do you think… there’s a term for going all the way? A term for never wanting a relationship?”

Gyro raises his eyebrows. “Probably.” He reaches for his phone. Boyd could search for it in his internal search engine (proudly programmed by Gyro two months ago, since search engines didn’t exist twenty years ago, but for the record if he had thought of it Akita hadn’t had him on such a tight schedule he could have done it. For the record.)

“Aromanticism,” Gyro muses, reading out loud. “The lack of romantic attraction. Does that sound about right?”

“Hmm,” Boyd puts his finger to his chin again. “It fits! I like it!”

Gyro smiles, that soft and gentle smile reserved exclusively for Boyd (and Fenton, sometimes). “Perfect. Now get out of my lab. It’s past closing time.”

Boyd sticks out his tongue, playful. “Like you care. Don’t stay up too late!”

Gyro just smiles in response and resolves himself to not make any promises he won’t keep.

Boyd gives him a quick, tight hug goodbye. He always gives hugs, to say hello and goodbye and everything inbetween, and Gyro is never quite prepared for them, although he certainly doesn’t mind them. Gyro isn’t very comfortable with touch or affection in general when it doesn’t come from a select few people, but he never protests. Boyd is one of those “select few people”.

If today’s hug is a bit tighter and longer than usual (but still brief, since Boyd knows well how Gyro clams up with physical affection, even if it’s from him, and he respects that), neither Boyd nor Gyro say a word.

Boyd says his goodbyes to the rest of Team Science (Gadget is long gone by now) and skips out of the room. “I can’t wait to tell Huey about this! He probably knows all about aromanticism! It’s probably in his Junior Woodchuck Guidebook!”

Gyro leans against his desk, the cuffs of his shirt catching on the corners. “You do that, kid.”

“And Lena! She’ll be happy to know I figured it out, even if she won’t say so!” Boyd chirps. “Thanks, Dr. Gearloose!”

Gyro’s wry smile turns into something monumentally more sincere and real. “No problem, kid.”

The elevator dings and Boyd is gone. Gyro used to revel in the lab’s silence, but even with the background noise of Fenton, Manny, and Lil’ Bulb tinkering away at their respective projects (and decidedly not saying anything), it feels uncomfortably quiet without Boyd’s incessant chatter.

He hums softly to himself and picks up his phone to call Della before she hears about this from Huey and berates him for not telling her right away. He puts on a new pot of coffee for when he comes back, and lets Fenton know he’s going on his break.

“You know the workday technically ended half an hour ago, right? You don’t need me to clock you out,” Fenton replies, grinning. He can read Gyro like a book.

Gyro rolls his eyes and grumbles under his breath, but waves his former intern off.

As he walks out, he pictures Boyd. He would be sitting in the limo, brimming with excitement, tapping his fingers eagerly on his legs with barely contained enthusiasm. Launchpad picked him up for a sleepover at Mr. McDuck’s, so by this point he should be almost home. He’ll burst into the mansion and spill his discovery to Huey before he catches his breath, and he, Huey, Webby, and Violet will make a board and a list of thoughts and information on aromanticism while Dewey tries to catch popcorn in his mouth and Lena and Louie add snarky comments. They’ll all chime in with their own experiences and eat lots of sugary snacks until they eventually fall asleep in a pile of pillows and blankets and each other on the living room couch. Boyd will come into the lab on Monday and tell him all about it, and maybe Huey will as well.

Gyro smiles fondly to himself as he steps into the hallway outside of the lab and leans against the wall, pulling up Della’s contact on his phone. The tab on aromanticism is still open on his phone, and he scrolls through it idly, taking note of all the information and how it could relate to Boyd.

He’s not fit for this role in Boyd’s life. But he loves Boyd, so he’ll do his best. And Dr. Gyro Gearloose’s best is a feat they tell tales of.

Across town, in the mansion, sitting on her sleeping bag in her pajamas and sneaking handfuls of gummy bears behind Violet’s watchful eye, Lena shares a similar sentiment. Boyd explains what he’s learned, bursting with excited energy in the form of overenthusiastic gestures, and Lena wonders why this little, enthusiastic kid decided to choose her as a sister figure.

But she’s not complaining.

Lena sneaks another handful of gummies and wraps her arm around Webby, who makes a bright, contented sound and snuggles into her side. No, she’s definitely not complaining.

i wrote this almost a year ago actually, for the Because We're Family LGBTQuaranzine! (@ducktaleslgbtquaranzine) This is a nonprofit pay-what-you-want zine, with all of the money going to DirectRelief, a charity dedicated to Covid relief in countries that have been hit hard by it. I had a lot of fun working on this zine and this particular piece, and I worked with a lot of great people. The zine is chock-full of amazing pieces and really talented, skilled people, and all the proceeds go to a reputable cause. I cannot recommend it enough!

this piece is pretty close to my heart because it encompasses a lot of my favorite things - weblena, lena & boyd friendship (they have SO many parallels i think they would get along so well!), and gyro being a father to boyd! in all honesty, this was my very first zine and i was really nervous, but i had so much fun writing this and i'm grateful it was such a good experience!

a lot of boyd's confusion about aromanticism is taken straight from my self-realization process. that's some good ole projection, baybee! i didn't have anyone like huey, but it's certainly difficult to figure out what romantic love really is and how that affects you and your relationships. it's like a puzzle. it's not explicitly mentioned in the fic, but i'm autistic, and boyd is pretty heavily autistic-coded (and god i could go on for hours about that, and i have before, but i'll spare you all the tangent, although i'll happily talk about it if you want me to), which adds this whole other obstacle when figuring out aromanticism, because we struggle with social relationships and fitting them in boxes. sometimes labels feel really comforting and satisfactory, but sometimes it's a real puzzle to fit into these boxes that weren't always made for us. sometimes they fit, and sometimes they don't. it was pretty fun exploring that from a slightly different perspective, as well as putting some of my own thoughts and experiences into words.

if you ever wanna talk ducktales, writing, these amazing characters, or really anything hmu here or on my twitter! thank you for reading, and please leave a like/reblog/comment (i read tags) if you enjoyed it!

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otherworldly-healer · 3 years

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Raine sat down at her office desk warily examining the envelope that held her name on it. She had placed it there earlier after checking the mailbox. Taking a shower and getting into clean clothes after trekking through the forest all day was a more pressing matter. Then dinner, lesson plans, and a few chores stole her attention. After everyone else had returned to their rooms for the night she finally got around to investigating the letter.

She noted it didn’t have a return address. It was rare if ever that she got mail that wasn’t some sort of advertisement for a business or an announcement of activities at the University or other community hub. Most correspondence was much easier on the telephone or meeting in person, so whatever it was it must have been formal. She unfolded her reading glasses and turned on the lamp to begin reading.

Professor Raine Sage,

I've been told I'm better at expressing myself in written word than spoken, and I'm inclined to agree. Even so, I'm not looking forward to writing this; I haven't written a letter in some years, and our relationship is complicated enough in normal circumstances.

I'm writing several letters now as a contingency. In the event I should disappear from the island before I find the courage to say these things aloud, I've given instructions for them to be delivered. If you're reading this, then I am no longer in Spirale. I suppose it's possible that you're reading this letter while I'm still here, but as I've entrusted these letters to one of my dearest and most reliable friends, I won't bother entertaining the thought.

A part of me is grateful that I won't have to deal with the fallout when these letters are first opened. For that, and for everything, I am sorry. On the other hand, it's entirely possible that I will return tomorrow and have to face the immediate consequences. But there's no way to predict what will happen, and I'd rather have those difficult conversations than leave, potentially for good, without a word.

Out of all of Spirale's victims from our world, I chose to write to you because I trust you are the most capable of understanding my intentions.

In my wake, I've left a path of devastation almost as wide as Yggdrasill's. I can't excuse the things I have done, nor would I want to; to try would be an insult to every life sacrificed, and despite what you may think of me, I cannot accept such callousness.

And yet, I must try to convince myself that there is a way to atone - that I am not irredeemable. I must believe that I can make a difference. It's naive - childish, even - but if I consider my current actions as useless, what hope can I have to actually make a change?

If I can't undo the past, I will do what I can to better the future. That is what I believe. It has taken me six years since my arrival to put it into words, but I believe I have felt that way deep down for a long time.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to act on that belief in Spirale, at least for some time. And that brings me to the point of this letter: I want you to remind me of this.

When people leave and return, their memories are sometimes altered or erased. I believe it due to the nature of the differing timelines between the island and its targeted worlds, but that's all I can say. Ironically, I can't remember if I ever told you this. It's a very real possibility that, should I return at all, I will not remember any of the experiences here that have shaped me.

I can remember who I was when I first arrived. The thought of being like that again scares me.

That isn't to say I expect you to restore my memories, nor do I expect you to try. If I do return as the bitter, apathetic person I was before, I doubt you would be able to convince me anyway. I simply ask that you tell me what I have said here - that no matter how hopeless it must seem, I must try.

I won't burden you with any other messages, though you are free to tell the others what I've written here. I pray that we get the chance to meet again, even if it is while I am someone else.

Take care, Yuan Ka-Fai

She had to reread the contents a few times before fully processing what was written. Even then she felt a rush of conflicting emotion that she couldn’t quite describe. He was really gone? Just like that?

She couldn’t understand him. He would write to her because he felt she was the most responsible one? He didn’t say that he trusted her personally, just that he trusted that she could understand his intentions. It made some sense, admittedly, rather than burdening one of the younger members of the group. Still, she couldn’t help but feel weighed down by this task that he had given her. To always have to be the mature voice, to be composed and weigh all perspectives, felt a bit unfair. Yet she had never been one to ever vocalize that she was being overwhelmed. Yuan and her weren’t close. Would this task not be better served to someone else? Was she just a last-case scenario, in case others had disappeared as well? Surely that must be all.

She had had little reason to keep checking her phone during these eclipses. Ever since Genis had arrived, she had little reason to keep obsessing over who had come and gone from this island. And while she felt a stinging loneliness when Colette and a melancholy when Six had disappeared, they had come back the same people. In her experience it seemed to happen more often than not. She knew from prior conversations with Yuan himself that it was possible for people to come here differently—Mithos had once been from four thousand years ago, and many of her companions such as Sheena had come from different times in their Journey.

Of course it was possible. But she didn’t want to think about it. If she allowed herself to, that bubble of optimism that she’d been trying to build would surely burst again-- as fragile as it already was. She wanted to enjoy her time here to just be herself. She wanted to have a home and not have to be a historical figure, a leader for her race. Despite setbacks she was happy here; at times more content than she had ever been in her entire life. But time and time again the reality of this place threatened to take that all away. How long would it be before someone she was closer with would be spirited away back to their home plane? What if they came back, but had no recollection of ever meeting her?

No. No. No. I’m so damn tired of starting over! That’s all my life has been! Hit a dead end, regroup, turn on my heel, and set off again. Pretend that it doesn’t hurt. Pretend that it is inevitable. Right when I’d been foolish enough to begin to feel comfortable in this city.

Yuan had done it again. What a frustratingly cowardly man. Even going so far as to say he’d be glad that he wasn’t there to deal with the fallout of the letters. He would speak with her briefly and leave her with some worrying information while having no answers for what to do with said information. No plan of action. Just a looming threat to be wary of. Raine could feel anger welling up as she ran her hand through her bangs. Her fist pounded the table, rattling the cup set next to her on a coaster.

Of course after four thousand years he had never had answers before, why should she expect it to be any different now? A man of inaction. Indifference. And yet he still insisted that he had changed. Waver had insisted that his past didn’t matter in this place, but she couldn’t agree. Experiences and memories formed who people were. Yuan had admitted to his mistakes but she hadn’t known him well enough to tell if he had really devoted himself to changing. Besides her, how many of her companions had he approached and expressed his desire to atone? To build that better future?

She still had so much to say to him. So much to ask him. She hadn’t had enough time. As infuriating as it was, Yuan had been incredibly helpful with acclimating herself to the city. He was a straightforward voice that helped dispel confusion. She wanted to understand him better, but to the professor it felt like he was always trying to hide from her and the rest. Complicated was right. She had respect for him. She hated his guts. They shared more commonalities as half-elves that she cared to admit. Raine could never forgive how he hardened his heart to overlook the damage he caused through negligence. How turning into an angel had tainted him and his view of mortals as expendable. She was conflicted. In another time and place, she could have even seen them as friends with their common interests. It was just too hard to divorce him from his past actions in her mind. Not completely.

Yet…she had to admit there was a heart there somewhere deep down. She’d seen it, briefly, on more than one occasion. The one time that Yuan had let a glimmer of his emotions show. That one argument they had at the club. He was desperate to make amends. He repeated that wish here in the letter. To acknowledge how much of a hand he had in perpetuating the cycle of violence and hatred in Aselia. Even if those things could not be forgiven, at least he was not running from them. That alone proved that he had changed.

She didn’t want to believe that it was too late for anyone.

She needed to have hope that people could change if they wanted to.

She refused to ever let go of that plea.

In her eyes he wasn’t irredeemable. However, she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was still too scared to actually face any of them. Meetings were always sporadic, and they had spent a fair share of their time working in the same place avoiding one another. She’d said it time and again…adults were troublesome creatures, stubborn and often stuck in their ways. Deeply complex and entangled in their own doubts and fears. Her included. She had to have compassion for that.

“You better believe that I will hold you to that, Yuan,” she whispered. Raine let the letter rest on her desk, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her eyes stung as if forcing back tears.

No, I refuse to be upset by this!

...though it was much too late.

The half-elf closed her eyes and took a deep breath, leaning back in her chair and staring at the ceiling. Her hands curled around the sides of the letter, causing the page to wrinkle. “To write me of all people a last message. What are you thinking? It sounds almost like a will.” She reached over to her phone to check the contact list and…sure enough, Yuan’s name had vanished.

“If you come back with all of your memories intact, you’ll truly be sorry.” She folded the letter back into its envelope and took her glasses off.

“Whatever happens next, don’t ever stop trying. You’ve gotten too far to give up now.” But she was merely talking to herself. Her words would no longer reach him. Hopefully someday in the future she would have the opportunity to say that to his face.

#stormswake #wow pain!

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lady-of-glass-and-bone · 3 years

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Songs & Characters Pedro Pascal

High As Hope / Florence + The Machine

Fourth and final part! Part 1 here Part 2 here and Part 3 here if you want to check them out. I’ve had a lot of fun doing this and hope to do more in the future, so if there are specific characters, albums, or artist combos you want, feel free to let me know.

Lyrics and their characters below the cut.

June / Ezra, Marcus Pike

Ezra / I hear your heart beating in your chest The world slows till there's nothing left Skyscrapers look on like great, unblinking giants (Oh)

In those heavy days in June When love became an act of defiance

Marcus Pike / You were broken-hearted and the world was too And I was beginning to lose my grip And I have always held it loosely But this time, I admit I felt it really start to slip

And choirs sing in the street And I would come to you To watch the television screen In your hotel room I'm always down to hide with you

Hunger / Max Phillips, Frankie Morales, Oberyn Martell

Max Phillips / At seventeen, I started to starve myself I thought that love was a kind of emptiness And at least I understood then, the hunger I felt And I didn't have to call it loneliness

We all have a hunger We all have a hunger

Frankie Morales / I thought that love was in the drugs But the more I took, the more it took away And I could never get enough I thought that love was on the stage You give yourself to strangers You don't have to be afraid And then it tries to find a home with people, or when I'm alone Picking it apart and staring at your phone

Oberyn Martell / Tell me what you need, oh, you look so free The way you use your body, baby, come on and work it for me Don't let it get you down, you're the best thing I've seen We never found the answer but we knew one thing

And it's Friday night and it's kicking in In that pink dress, they're gonna crucify me Oh, and you in all your vibrant youth How could anything bad ever happen to you? You make a fool of death with your beauty, and for a moment

South London Forever / Marcus Pike, Maxwell Lord, Ezra

Marcus Pike / And I go home alone I drive past the place that I was born And the places that I used to drink Young and drunk and stumbling in the street Outside the Joiners Arm's like foals unsteady on their feet With the art students and the boys in bands High on E and holding hands with someone that I just met

Maxwell Lord / I thought it doesn't get Better than this There can be nothing better than this Better than this And we climbed onto the roof, the museum And someone made love in the grass And I'd forgot my name And the way back to my mother's house With your black cool eyes and your bitten lips The world is at your fingertips It doesn't get better than this What else could be better than this?

Ezra / And we're just children wanting children of our own I want a space to watch things grow But did I dream too big? Do I have to let it go? What if one day there is no such thing as snow? Oh God, what do I know?

And I don't know anything (uh uh uh) Except that green is so green And there's a special kind of sadness that seems to come with spring

Big God / Dave York, Jack ‘Whiskey’ Daniels

Dave York / You keep me up at night To my messages, you do not reply You know I still like you the most The best of the best and the worst of the worst Well, you can never know The places that I go I still like you the most You'll always be my favorite ghost

You need a big god Big enough to hold your love You need a big God Big enough to fill you up

Whiskey / Sometimes I think it's getting better And then it gets much worse Is it just part of the process? Jesus Christ, it hurts Though I know I should know better Well, I can make this work Is it just part of the process? Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, it hurts

Shower your affection, let it rain on me And pull down the mountain, drag your cities to the sea Shower your affection, let it rain on me Don't leave me on this white cliff Let it slide down to the, slide down to the sea Slide down to the, slide down to the sea

Sky Full Of Song / Frankie Morales, Din Djarin, Javier Peña

Frankie Morales / Grab me by my ankles, I've been flying for too long I couldn't hide from the thunder in a sky full of song And I want you so badly but you could be anyone I couldn't hide from the thunder in a sky full of song

Hold me down, I'm so tired now Aim your arrow at the sky Take me down, I'm too tired now Leave me where I lie

Din Djarin / And I can tell that I'm in trouble When that music starts to play In a city without seasons It keeps raining in L.A. I feel like I'm about to fall The room begins to sway And I can hear the sirens But I cannot walk away

Grab me by my ankles I've been flying for too long I couldn't hide from the Thunder in a sky full of song And I want you so badly But you could be anyone I couldn't hide from the thunder In a sky full of song

Javier Peña / How deeply are you sleeping Or are you still awake? A good friend told me You've been staying out so late Be careful, oh, my darling Oh, be careful what it takes From what I've seen so far The good ones always seem to break

Grace / This one really stumped me, maybe give it a listen and let me know what you think?

Patricia / Javier Peña

Javier Peña / You're a real man, and you do what you can You only take as much as you can grab with two hands With your big heart, you praise God above But how's it working out for you, honey? Do you feel loved?

I drink too much coffee and I think of you often In a city where reality has long been forgotten Are you afraid? 'Cause I'm terrified But you remind me that it's such a wonderful thing to love

100 Years / Ezra, Marcus Moreno, Din Djarin

Ezra / Funerals were held all over the city The youth bleeding in the square And women raged as old men fumbled and cried We're sorry, we thought you didn't care, oh And how does it feel now you've scratched the itch How does it feel? And pulled out all your stitches Hubris is a bitch

Marcus Moreno / I believe in you and in our hearts we know the truth And I believe in love and the darker it gets, the more I do Try and fill us with your hate and we will shine a light And the days will become endless and never, and never turn to night And never, and never turn to night

Then it's just too much, I cannot get you close enough A hundred arms, a hundred years, you can always find me here And Lord, don't let it break this, let me hold it lightly Give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly

Din Djarin / I let him sleep, and as he does My held breath fills the room with love It hurts in ways I can't describe My heart bends and breaks so many, many times And is born again with each sunrise And is born again with each sunrise

We have no need to fight We raise our voices and let our hearts take flight Get higher than those planes can fly Where the stars do not take sides

The End Of Love / Jack ‘Whiskey’ Daniels

We were a family pulled from a flood You tore the floorboards up And let the river rush in Not wash away, wash away

We were reaching in the dark That summer in New York And it was so far to fall But it didn't hurt at all You let it wash away, wash away

No Choir / Pero Tovar

And it's hard to write about being happy 'Cause, the older I get I find that happiness is an extremely uneventful subject And there will be no grand choirs to sing No chorus could come in About two people sitting doing nothing

But I must confess I did it all for myself I gathered you here to hide from some vast unnameable fear But the loneliness never left me I always took it with me But I can put it down in the pleasure of your company

And if tomorrow it's all over At least we had it for a moment Oh darling, things seem so unstable But for a moment we were able to be still

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montosmadman · 3 years

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I was tagged by @soy-celeste ages ago. This was hard but also super rewarding because I really got to take a deep dive in the murky depths of my own music library. Thanks for thinking of me, Cata💕

Task: choose TEN SONGS that describe your personal aesthetic / how you see yourself. Bonus points if you write a little explanation for each song, that‘s not a must though.

List under a read more because it turned out really long and includes some very personal and possibly triggering mental health stuff.

I'm tagging @capitanogiorgio @hendos @furiousflamewolf @checoswin and @diegoalvesisgod

1. Nakashima Mika - 僕が死のうと思ったのは

The title loosely translates to "The reason I thought I'd die" or "The time I thought I'd die". Yes, I went there right off the bat.

Let's get something straight: I'm not suicidal. I have never been actively suicidal, despite struggling with depression and anxiety most of my teenage/adult life. However, what this song captures for me is the feeling when you're not actively thinking about killing yourself, but you do have this empty feeling when you think there's no point for you being alive. And that's something I'm very familiar with.

There are a couple lines I wanna highlight, even though the whole song hits me very hard whenever I listen to it:

その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら、虫の死骸と土になれるかな

If I lie down beneath the sunlight streaming through the trees, will I become like the dirt and insect remains?

あなたのような人が生きてる世界に少し期待するよ

If people like you are living in this world, then maybe it’s alright to hope a little too.

The first line does what I talked about to above: it's the feeling when you just lie down and wonder if anything would change if you just disappeared. The second line -- last one of the song -- has more hope. It's when you find a reason to believe in the future and realize there is still a reason to live. Personally, I'm trying to hang very hard on that last thought even when the world seems to be against me.

(Full translation in a pinned comment under the Youtube video)

2. The Ark - Little Dysfunk You

No essay here. I just needed to have The Ark on the list because they're the official soundtrack of my life, the first band whose album I bought myself, and who taught me it was okay not to fit in. I even have a tattoo that says "a little dysfunk" because my best friend and I have been relating to this song long before either one of us realized we weren't neurotypical. It's the very dysfunctional ode to our friendship, and I love it.

3. Elton John - Rocket Man

I feel like this might be a universal experience growing up neurodiverse and/or an outsider. You spend years feeling like you're alone in space, on another planet, and you want to connect with people but at the same time know that once you come back, you still won't be the person others want or expect you to be. The challenge is to accept that and realize it's okay and you don't need to change yourself for others. And it really is hard when you're raised in a society where the odds are stacked against you.

4. Sanni - Jos mä oon oikee

Look, I'm giving you something in Finnish too!

Sanni is one of the Finnish artists whose breakthrough I originally missed because I was living abroad. I only properly discovered her a couple years after moving back, when I was driving a lot for my work and hence listening to the radio much more than I used to. Her songs just kept standing out from the rest: her lyrics had this amazing depth even when she was singing about mundane stuff -- like, she was finding these painful truths I hadn't ever spoken but felt very clearly.

That said, I had to choose the one song that's actually very upfront with this idea of being an outsider and not feeling like a part of this world. The title translates to "If I am real" and that pretty much sums it up. It's a song about feeling lonely in the middle of a crowded room, feeling like no one sees you or cares what you do. I personally have this habit of taking a step back and observing people rather than getting involved -- and even when I do, it rarely feels like it's really me out there, because I'm so used to masking and acting like everyone else just to fit in, you know?

I'll finish this off with my favourite verse, translated by yours truly. The last line especially hits home super hard no matter how many times I hear it.

Rautatieasema maanantaina ruuhkaisa Kaikilla tuntuu olevan kiire ja suunta Mä oon ulkopuolella vaik seison sisällä Jos oon jo kotona miten voi olla koti-ikävä

The railway station on Monday is crowded Everyone seems to be in a rush and have a direction I'm outside even though I'm standing inside How can I feel homesick when I'm already home

5. Shobha - Last Exit To Freedom

Full disclosure: Degrassi has been one of my comfort series for many, many years. When this song was first introduced in Next Class, it hit me really hard because it was woven into this whole storyline about depression and suicide, which at the time spoke to me a lot. I repeat, I have never been suicidal, but I do get the headspace that could drive people into it.

However, listening to it again now, it's mostly the message of hope that shines through to me. It's a song that can take two very different readings depending on what your own baggage is. And the series actually acknowledges that later on, which I think is not only beautiful but also extremely important.

There's empty places in my life and I need to breathe There's empty spaces on the map waiting there for me

I've never felt more free than when I actually drop my responsibilities and just go where I want to go. I need that space to breathe, and that's why it has always been such a relief when I could just pack up and start over in a new place. Some might call it running away from my troubles -- and they wouldn't be completely wrong -- but that doesn't change the fact that I've always valued my own freedom above any arbitrary societal norms.

6. Scandinavian Music Group - Näin minä vihellän matkallani

SMG is another one of those bands I grew up on and have seen live several times, so they needed to be here. This song is more on the "aesthetic" end of scale than how I see myself. In fact, I've many times hoped I could be like the narrator of this song. I'll give you a couple of verses to explain:

Kun minulta viedään kaikki Autan kantamaan Ja kun lopulta kaadun Teen sen näyttävästi

When everything's taken from me I'll help them carry it And when I finally fall I'll do it with a flair

Minä vihellän matkallani Näin minä vihellän matkallani Jos sen on oltava niin Olkoon sitten niin

I'm whistling on my journey See how I'm whistling on my journey If this is how things have to be Then so be it

It's this carefree attitude. Laughing in the face of hardship and controversy. There's another amazing line about getting back to the saddle after you fall and swearing you'd do it all over again. I've never been able to do that, because I carry all my old failures and pains so close to the surface, and could never just shake them off with a shrug, no matter how minor.

But on another level, I keep hearing from people who I thought knew me that I don't seem depressed. And who can blame them: on the outside, it probably looks like I bounce back from hardships really fast, because I'm so used to masking my issues that the moment I'm physically capable of doing it, I will. So you might say this song is a picture of my outer self, though it hardly mirrors what's really going on.

7. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

I'm a firm believer that if my life was a teen movie, this is the song I'd have playing in the final scene where I'd just go "fuck that" and started dancing with @mirkwoodstock in the middle of the parking lot of something. It's my ultimate party anthem, the one that always has me dancing and singing along no matter where I am.

Back when we were at the university, Nanna and I used to go to this rock'n'roll club in town and they'd always play Don't Stop Me Now close to the end of the night, and it really became our song. Like, no matter how shitty I felt, when it came on, I'd be there, and so would she. And that's why it also deserves to be on the list.

8. Blind Channel - Died Enough For You

Throwing a rare newer song into the mix. The moment I heard this song, I knew I'd be listening to it a lot. There's also an acoustic version if you're not a fan of the genre or if you just wanna have a different perspective. Blind Channel is also representing Finland in Eurovision next week, and I'm living for it.

Advertising aside, Died Enough For You takes me to some really dark times in my life. I've been in relationships, both romantic and not, where I've been carrying the other person and giving so much of myself, risking my own mental health (which was not that good to begin with) and not getting much in return. There comes a point where you have to prioritize yourself and admit that dragging yourself into the same abyss is not going help anyone. Unfortunately, usually it takes more strength to admit that and leave than to stay in the relationship that's hurting you.

I'm still talking to some of these people, but I've learned to give myself a permission to sign off when I notice that by helping them I'm only hurting myself more. Someone else's wellbeing cannot be my responsibility when I'm struggling to keep myself afloat. And I truly hope everyone who is supporting me also knows that.

9. Aqua Timez - 真夜中のオーケストラ

Title translates to "Midnight Orchestra". Yes, it's from Naruto. I discovered it back when I was still more involved in anime fandom stuff, and fell for it again year ago when I binged the anime when to lockdowns started, because I needed an escape.

And what an escape it was. Have you ever heard a song and immediately went "I need a tattoo of this", or is that just me? I'm probably not going to get a tattoo because I don't trust non-Japanese artists to get the kanjis right, but the song still captures something very real about loneliness that's not really visible but still very much there. Like, the moment when you meet a person you can truly relate to and for the first time realize you'd been feeling lonely all that time. That's what this song describes to me.

Below are a few verses towards the end of the song. I've bolded the one that first caught my attention (and which I still have as the title of my Japan sideblog).

真夜中の詩が叫んだ「僕ほんとうは独りが　嫌いだ　大嫌いだ」独りぼっちで　生きてゆけてしまうなんてこと

The song of midnight cried out "I truly hate being alone more than anything" I hate to go on living completely alone…

幸せなんて　小さなスプーンで掬えるくらいで充分なんだ分け合える人がいるか　いないかだけ

All I need is being able to scoop happiness with a tiny spoon so long as I have someone to share it with

(Full translation)

真夜中の詩は叫ぶよ「僕ほんとうは　僕ほんとうは　淋しかった」太陽の眩しさに　かき消されても

The song of midnight cried out "I was truly, truly… lonely" Even if I were to be erased by the sun's radiance

10. Jenni Vartiainen (Apulanta) - Mato

This song, named "Worm", was originally released by Finnish rock band Apulanta in 1997. The lyrics, while they might make sense as individual statements, are basically gibberish when you combine them into one piece and try to understand the meaning. There is none. Anyways, the version I chose is a remake by another artist, first performed on the Finnish version of The Best Singers format. It doesn't make any more sense, I just like it better because Jenni is hot and she made it so much fun.

And the reason it's on this list? Welcome to my brain, folks! Sometimes, especially when I'm overwhelmed by lots of external stimuli, my mind tends to just wander wherever the hell it pleases and make connections even I don't get. It also likes to forget the stuff I said just a second a go, so I can switch subjects on the go without even noticing. It's very soothing to have music that doesn't require me to make those connections when that happens.

And now, I shall close this massive post with the first verse of this masterpiece:

Minä tahdon ulos, tahdon ulos kattilasta Minä tahdon pelastaa vielä sinutkin kiehumasta Minä tahdon lentää ulos vessan ikkunasta Minä tahdon tietää kaiken teidän karkkimaasta

I want out, I want out of this kettle I also want to save you from boiling I want to fly out of the toilet window I want to know everything about your candy land

Stay safe and take care of yourselves my dears💕

#tag meme #long post #music #neurodiversity #mental health #tw suicide #tw depression #tw mental health #tw toxic relationship

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felassanis · 4 years

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WHY FENHAWKE IS IMPORTANT. FENRIS ANALYSIS.

(I’m not saying you have to romance fenris, if you do not like fenris you do you boo boo romance a fucking candelstick. I just have to put this ‘disclaimer’ even tho it’s obvious, cuz we have easily offended geezers up in this fandom who have accused me before of having ‘acted superior with my romance choice’ and all that bollocks.)

Kinda long, kinda detailed, but I had a lot of fun thinking about this. Also, I am not analysing Rivalmance, I am analysing scenes and dialogue from Fenris’s ‘nicemance’’ mentions of mental illness but nothing triggering.

Fenris’s story in Dragon Age II has a outer layer and an inner layer. The outer layer is of course fighting for his freedom. Becoming a free man is his conscious desire. In order to get this Fenris will do anything from never staying in one place for too long to killing anyone that comes after him. This ‘becoming a free man’ is the obvious story regarding Fenris. It’s the first thing we learn about his arc: The slave who wants to be free. And it’s up to our Hawke to help him achieve that.

But, we also have what I call the ‘true story’. His inner layer or ‘subconscious’ desire surrounds the element of revenge, overcoming trauma and learning to move on. It’s the story of Fenris we will eventually learn about and slowly uncover as the game progresses.

Fenris deep down wants to move on. It’s not just about being free, Fenris knows he wants to be free. He is fully aware of that. What he doesn’t acknowledge however, is that in order to be truly free he’s got to learn to accept what has happened to him, accept it was out of his control and accept that it is in the past. But....he won’t.

I will admit, Fenris’s speech can be hella emo and overdramatic, the way he talks is extremely gothic novella and the writers could have done a better job at showing not telling. But, the reason he talks the way he does about ‘plagues in his heart’ and whatnot, is to exemplify the complete and utter turmoil this elf possesses. You can tell he’s thought about it a lot, because he talks so poetically that you can’t help but think ‘no one naturally talks likes this’ it shows he has overthought the emotions his past has caused at great lengths. I guess, you could analyse it as ‘no one talks that way, unless they’ve rehearsed it’ which yes, I think he has rehearsed it to some degree. Not to sound purposefully broody and meloncholic just for the aestheitc; he just knows with full clarity how it makes him feel and he’s able to describe it naturally in that articulated manner.

I highly doubt he even knows he’s doing it honestly, his speech is very different from the other characters. Anders for example also suffers from trauma and mental health, but he doesn’t speak like this. For Fenris it just comes naturally...

Every time we talk to Fenris before spending the night with him is about slavery. We find him running from slavers, we kick down the doors to hunt down his slave master and he talks to Hawke about what has happened to him regarding his days of being a slave. The topic of slavery is heavily ingrained into his character but the game isn’t doing that because Bioware wants you to think ‘OOH he’s so angsty and broody! He’s such a tormented soul don’t you just love him?!’ Nah, Bioware is merely saying that this character’s past was so horrifying that he simply cannot get over it. He talks about it so much because it has engulfed him; he’s not free of the chains as Flemeth said.

The ‘chains’ she’s referring to is that ‘slavery’ has very much swallowed his whole identity. He’s not yet willing to claw his way out of the jaw of his past. He’s both unwilling and likely unaware he talks about it so much with Hawke.

The only other conversation where it’s not heavily discussed is when him and Hawke discuss the theme of home in his first one on one. It becomes very clear that Fenris has not had a home in a long time due to being on the run, he asks Hawke why they haven’t returned to Ferelden and nearly every option Hawke has is pretty much ‘Kirkwall isn’t so bad, I’ve built a life here’ or ‘my family is here, I have roots’ to which Fenris will sound...longing. Exhibiting a clear desire to have his own place to call home, yet he won’t come out and say it. Hawke says “It sounds like you want to settle down,” and Fenris will respond “I could see myself staying, for the right reasons,” and I just...look, he is deliberately giving himself an out when he says that. ‘The right reasons’ is a clever way of Fenris setting up an escape plan for when his paranoia inevitably settles in and it’s time to pack up and move on. ‘The right reasons,’ yeah, we both know Fenris, that when you decide it’s time to go you can then just be like ‘I haven’t found the right reason to stay’ and run. But the reason you haven’t found the right reason to stay, is because you are not MAKING a reason to stay!

Moreover, his second one on one? Where if you flirted with him he’s like ‘You’re amazing, but I’m a slave...why would you want me?’ here, Hawke is beginning to represent that ‘right reason’...a reason he could stay, and that gives him some food for thought, as well as some potential fear...This is repeated when the flirting gets a bit more heated durng the second conversation. Where’s he drunk (I think?) and him and Hawke dance around ‘getting to know each other’ only for Fenris to suddenly back out.

A good quote, ‘if you feel as though you have no place in the world, you must make one,’ is something I think resonates with this elf. He doesn’t have a purpose in the world, he is on the run constantly with his past eating away at him. But he does want purpose, he’s just unable to grasp it. His story is about carving himself a new purpose, a new future.

Now, obviously...Fenris can’t really settle down. Not until he’s stopped being hunted which will only occur when Danarius is dead. I’m obviously not glossing over that and saying ‘Fenris is a bitch who won’t move on’ that’s not what I’m saying AT ALL. He has good reason to not stay in one place and he has good reason to paranoid. But, Danarius and the slavers? that’s not the inner conflict that I’m trying to analyse. Danarius and the slavers are an obstacle, they are the physical hurdles he has to jump over. So, yeah I know Fenris cannot do any of what I have said because of those hurdles, but he also can’t do any of that until he’s dealt with his inner conflict; which as I said before is him learning to move on and accepting the past.

The inner conflict NOT BEING ADDRESSED is exactly why after he kills Hadriana he feels EMPTY. In the moment that he is face to face with someone that caused him so much pain; she bullied him to no end and like any person Fenris loses it. All those years of abuse...he has the chance to exact his revenge and he does it. However, after being consumed with hatred for so long and at such an intensity...what is left? Now she’s dead...he feels nothing.

I want to point out that Fenris says ‘I couldn’t let her go, I wanted to...but I couldn’t’ at first I when I heard this line I was a bit confused. But thinking about it, Hadriana isn’t just a character in Dragon Age. In Fenris’s story she represents a chapter in his lifethat Fenris THOUGHT HE HAD CLOSED. He says ‘This hate...I thought I had gotten rid of it’ Hadriana represents Fenris’s rage...Hadriana while a complete fucking bitch, isn’t Danarius. Danarius is the one that haunts Fenris. While I have no doubt that she deserved to die, and I shudder to think what she might have done, she isn’t as bad as Danarius. Fenris...could have let her go, and if he had done then it would have represented some ounce of moving on...but he kills her, he gives into his rage and kills her.

Fenris had convinced himself that he was over it to some degree, but he isn’t. So once her blood laments his hands, it is a revelation to him. A scary one...and that is why he feels ‘disquiet’. Or alternatively, you could see it as Fenris perhaps ALWAYS knowing he was not over his hate deep down, but Hadriana finally brought it to light. His hate has always been quelling inside of him, but it’s only really after Hadriana, does Fenris finally fucking realise it. So when it’s revealed to him, it becomes too much for him to handle hence why he stomps off leaving the party. Thus, beginning Act 2 of Fenris’s story...

Sorry for all of that, but now I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT HAWKE.

After he leaves the party, you will find Fenris at Hawke’s estate waiting for them. Now that hot, emotional fury has lifted from his senses he’s ready to be nice again and say sorry.

After apologising; Hawke as concerned as always, asks him if he’s okay...and Fenris, without being drunk, will be completely honest with Hawke. He will confess the conflict he is feeling, he’ll describe what Hadriana made him feel and he will confess how her death left an emptiness inside of him...I don’t doubt that Fenris is a reserved person. He’s not one to voice his problems and past. While the entire cast of DAII know Fenris was a slave, I feel like only Hawke truly knows the details. However gory. The Fog Warriors story truly shows how much trust he has for Hawke, that isn’t a story that paints him as the good guy...yes, to some degree he was a victim but he did murder people who only wanted to help, who were willing to fight for his freedom. The Fog Warriors are parallel to Hawke, they were people he respected and looked up to just as he does with Hawke yet he killed them. Him telling that story...my god, imagine how hard that must be. Hawke is doing the same thing for him that the Fog Warriors did, but he trusts Hawke so much that he feels like they should know.

Back to the romance scene, he is completely vulnerable in that moment. After his rant he has a moment of clarity and realises he’s distanced himself from the original goal of meeting up with Hawke. They’re so easy to talk to he forgot himself. So, he’s about to leave. Until Hawke reaches out for him.

THE KISS SCENE, wow...ok. The armour design defintely had a hand in it, we know his arms are showed off in that armour because he’s not keen on hiding them, he won’t hide from the slavers who know exactly what those markings mean.

Hawke grabs HIS SKIN. As they try to stop him from leaving they touch his skin...

Back with Hadriana when Hawke can reach out for him, they grab his shoulder, the part of him that’s cladded in thick leather (or whatever the heck it’s made out of)...nothing happens. HERE THEY TOUCH HIS SKIN. All that SPIKY armour! And Hawke is close enough to Fenris that they can reach out and touch his bare arm.

He glows, and while it can be speculated, the lyrium seems to briefly cloud his mind and instinctively he seems to think he’s being hurt, on reflex he slams Hawke against the wall. He appears angry, hostile...could be the lyrium defending him...but it’s probably more to do with physical abuse....

I love seeing that blue cloud fade from his eyes, as he slowly slips back to reality and processes what has just happened. His animation shows him stepping back, slowly because he must be thinking ‘I have just made this worse, I came here to apologise, and these damn markings just made me attack Hawke’ in this moment Hawke sees Fenris in a state. The Lyrium, the ‘magic that has spoiled him’ took over...he probably thinks they ought to be mortified. But instead? Hawke kisses him.

Hawke has seen him in the state he probably feels disgusted by. There’s no way this hasn’t happened before, where he’s lost control. And he probably feels akin to a mage succumbing to a demon. But Hawke...Hawke just loves him, and wants to make him feel loved. They saw that flicker of horror in his eye as he pinned them against the wall, and they just would want to blow it out.

Of course Fenris is going to reciprocate. There’s no one he respects more, no one he trusts more (nor fancies more :) ) and after he did what he did they still kiss him. Finally, it is here that Hawke represents a future, and for that night he’s willing to have a taste of that future. To feel happy and loved, to forget about his past and focus on Hawke...

Then, the past comes to bite him in the arse.

He remembers his life before the the lyrium. Suddenly, without warning it is then stolen from him. He lost his life TWICE.

He lost it twice because of the Lyrium, the lyrium inflicted upon him by Danarius, the Magister who fucking...well, you know. The Magister who enslaved him and others and who has been sending out slavers to hunt him down, the very same slavers Hawke and Fenris fought that very day...the slavers that ambushed him and Hawke.

See where I’m going with this? Fenris recollecting his memories only to lose them is a double edged sword. One side, it’s clearly devastating and anyone would be disturbed if their whole life just vanished so suddenly. And if being with Hawke is just going to repeat that then you can’t blame him for wanting to end it. But also, Hawke? This human that represents a potential future? Being with them made him remember the past, the past he is still haunted by and clings to. How can he have a future with someone when being with them is tainted by the past?

I had a whole rant about this in another post so I won’t ramble too long since this post is already a thicc bitch but...Fenris cannot delve into a relationship with Hawke. He isn’t ready for the committment when he’s still being haunted by the past, both physically and mentally. Before he can have a future, he needs to work on himself in order to be ready for that future. He needs to kill Danarius. Now we circle back to him overcoming his obstacles and finally achieving his subconscious desires.

I said that mental illness is reallt well portrayed in Fenhawke because Fenris and Hawke are seperated for YEARS. Yet, the beauty of it is that Hawke waits for Fenris. They stay by him, they support him and protect him and they remain at his side until the day they finally get to witness him pull out Danarius’s heart. It utterly evokes the beauty of good relationships such as patience, compromise and adoration of all flaws. Yes, they seperate and yes I know people got a bit mad. However, Fenris leaving Hawke strengthens their bond.

Fenris is the one who closes the chapter on Danarius, because as I have said if you are struggling with mental illness only you can help yourself and take the steps to recovery. There are the lucky few who have others surrounding them that will be of support and of course that helps...but it is down the one person to realise they are drowing, and it’s up to them if they grab the lifeguard.

With Danarius dead, once again that feeling of numbing emptiness prevails and instead of getting angry Fenris owns up to the fact that...he needs to move on. That if he’s ever going to be happy he needs to accept what happened to him. Whether or not you let verania live, it was important for Fenris to think he could have reclaimed the past. Because this time when he is once again proven wrong it finally clicks that the past has nothing for him anymore. I do wish he could have had a family, but...it is kinda fitting that Verania is a mage, that she isn’t interested in reuniting with Fenris. The ties have been cut, the past isn’t the answer.

He feels alone. Obviously, that’s not tue, because guess who’s been by his side all this time? And who is standing there right now, looking upon him with much love in their eyes reminding him ‘I’m here Fenris,’

That smile, *swoons* that smile. :’) As though Hawke has said something so bloody obvious. Making him smile because ‘yeah, he should have known that’ And that MY FRIENDS, Is probably when Fenris is already concieving the possibility of spending the rest of his life with Hawke...RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Fenris has a long way to go to move on, but the important thing is is that he’s now finally willing and able. He doesn’t know where it will lead, but whatever or wherever it leads he’s going to walk it with Hawke. He talks about wishing he had stayed with Hawke when he finally confronts them with what happened between them all those years ago. He says that because now his head is clearer and he sees what he should have done. But Fenris sweetie, you had to go through what you did in order to be the man you are today, it’s ok that you made mistakes. You’re here now and so is Hawke.

A platonic bond with Fenris is important, but Fenris and Hawke probably never see each other again if that’s the case. If you romanced him, Fenris flees Kirkwall with Hawke. He ain’t leaving their side, because they are his future.

Fenris has a fucking amazing arc, bioware did really well with him and his romance was so well done and I love analysing his behaviour. Hawke really helps him get through his trauma and they are there to take his hands and lead him down the road to recovery. This was a romance DONE RIGHT

thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

#Fenris #Dragon age #dragon age 2 #daii #da2 #dragon age ii #hawke #fehawke #fenris x hawke #fenris analysis #plz reblog this took me fucking hours lol

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justjessame · 3 years

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Glorious, Before the Burden - The Comfort ~ 7

Loki - ODIN, sent me off to see about the damage to the gardens when word came that Thor had returned. A sharp glance at my KING, and I took a deep breath as two guards flanked me, keeping me safe was of paramount concern -

“She’s one of my last remaining family,” he reminded my guards. “The single bloom that still blossoms and gives me hope.” Hearing the words in Odin’s voice, but knowing they were Loki’s felt stranger than I could ever describe.

Flanking me, they aren’t quite hovering or imposing, but I feel the need to explain how I plan to inspect each garden for damage and that it might take longer than they expect.

“Our queen would want all of Asgard to look its best,” the thought of Frigga, so soon after her journey to the afterlife pierced me as sharply as when I witnessed the beast who dealt the blow. “Let’s begin -” taking the lead, I walked to the garden I first found comfort and peace in - where Loki first took my safety as his burden. And while he had his first face to face meeting with Thor as his father, I wandered our gardens - wishing that illusion and false imagery was unnecessary, that for once our family could simply admit who and what we were to one another.

It took me hours, hours and hours of wandering the gardens and taking inventory. Aside from some displaced foliage, statuary that would need mending or replacing, the gardens weren’t in the terrible state that other parts of Asgard were - so much destruction, so much work would need tended to make my home bear some semblance to that which I’d left when Odin banished me.

My guards, surprisingly untired by my careful and complete tour of the grounds, accompanied me back to the throne room as dusk threatened to overtake the day. Odin - LOKI waited on the throne, in reflection of unknown audiences - because I knew that more than just Thor had come in for a moment of his time while I was indisposed with my own purpose. Dismissing my security, asking for privacy to share the news about Thor with his daughter, the guards faded away, and once they were gone so did his illusion.

Drawing me onto his lap, Loki pressed his face into my neck, breathing me in. “You smell of spring, my love.” He sounded both tired and excited, a difficult pair to manage, but my husband was nothing if not an overachiever. His arms held me tight, his lips finding my pulse and I sighed as all the tension my body had held from the moment we’d been interrupted during our first kiss in this room relaxed.

“And you smell like,” pulling away so I could look into the eyes I’d missed for so long, I framed his face with my hands. Brushing his sharp cheekbones with my thumbs, staring into his face, I wondered if I’d ever have my fill of looking at him? “You.” Leaning closer, letting my forehead meet his, feeling that wonderful chill of his skin against mine - the comfort of him. “I love you, and I cannot be apart from you again.” It was both a vow and a plea.

“Never,” he promised, before his lips met mine, softer than before, but still just as thirsty for the taste of me - just as needy for me as I was for him. I wanted to argue against the here and now, of coupling in the throne room, of the chance of being interrupted and being caught, but the thought of breaking apart again - of waiting - was more unbearable. His hands were pulling at my gowns and I laughed into his kiss, pulling away to catch my breath.

“Has it been so long, Loki, that you’ve forgotten YOUR magic?” A flash and our flesh had nothing but a hint of air between us, and my breath caught at the reminder of the chill his skin against the heat of mine. “I missed this.” And then he helped me move, my legs straddling him and he was inside of me, and our eyes met, gazes locked together as we were joined once more.

“Never again,” he swore, rocking up, filling me. “Never again, Sigyn.” His hands sliding along my bare back, tracing every bare inch of my skin and reeking havoc on my breathing as I arched and my nails bit into his shoulders. “Mine,” he reminded me, as his lips found mine.

I wish it were more difficult to fall into my new role at Odin - LOKI’S side. I say that because I always felt that I was so honest and true, yet - I stood beside his throne, head high, eyes bright and careful, as he wore the face of his adopted father and ruled as him.

Heimdall was the first to notice that something wasn’t quite right - which made sense, and I saw it coming. As I was fast learning to control what I could SEE, I watched as the undercurrent of dissent started - and where. The gatekeeper of the Bifrost, his vision was always going to be problematic, I wondered how he missed Odin’s departure - perhaps due to his own culpability in Thor and the Warriors’ treasonous escape to free Jane and take away the fear of the Dark Elves, he’d simply missed that rather LARGE plot point.

I warned Loki, fearful that with Heimdall others, more worrisome by far because of his loyalty and his nature, would tumble and follow him. He chose Skurge to replace him, not MY choice, but since he wasn’t one for asking questions - Skurge, not Loki - he’d do for the short term. Pockets of dissent were easier to contain than swarms, and while Loki repaired and replaced the ruins, while he put safety measures into place in Asgard that not even the Allfather would have considered, I still watched and waited.

A dark cloud hovered, and while I couldn’t see the source of it, I knew it was coming ever closer. As for my own personal search - THE WHO of my identity - I put it on hold, for now. Loki and Asgard were my priorities. His rule was one of peace, regardless of the mutterings of those who felt otherwise, and while I did find his statue to himself a touch pretentious, I could not deny that he did good by our people. And by me - a glance at my small bump, growing slowly but surely under the opulent layers of my gown caused my smile to grow.

The whispers, when Odin took Loki’s widow to wife had been abundant, but Loki had hushed all my arguments by telling me that he refused to sneak and hide away how he loved me. He might have to hide away his own identity. He might have to wear the Allfather’s appearance in public, but in private he refused to have me skulk about like a dirty secret.

“You are MY wife, Sigyn,” he’d declared, staring into my eyes and shaking his head. “I will NOT have it,” I’d sighed, the argument leaving me as quickly as it had come. We’d been in our roles for enough time to constitute proper grieving time, and he was right, it hadn’t been at all enjoyable to sneak about - he in Odin’s rooms and I in our former ones. With his edict that I be under constant guard and he the King of Asgard - it was a nightmare, even with all our magic at our disposal.

We were married - again, this time as Odin and Sigyn - before crowds of Asgardians, who tried to look pleased. It wasn’t that they disapproved of ME or HIM, honestly. It was simply strange. Odin who adored Frigga so much that no other could ever be thought to sit at his side. And Sigyn, once believed the life’s mate of Loki - then announced dead, by her own hand - revived by some unknown means, because Odin never addressed my return - NOW Queen of Asgard. Odd didn’t seem to cover it.

When I felt the first stirrings of life inside of me, the first hint that we were FINALLY blessed with an heir - Loki truly glowed with happiness. The blue tint, that hint of red in his eyes, I told him how beautiful I found him and he held me like I was spun glass and told me that he was happy. Incandescently happy.

Which should have warned us, happiness and Asgard - that should have warned us more than any vision I could ever have had.

More than the strange dreams I was having about a planet with a large green being fighting a short-haired Thor who was grinning and yelling about him being a friend from work. More than the large wolf I saw jumping across the Bifrost and trying to eat Skurge.

Happiness and Asgard was far more of a warning sign than any premonition that I could have foreseen - if only I’d allowed myself to SEE it.

#loki #loki x sigyn #loki series #sigyn #alternate universe #pregnancy

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inactiive-shit · 5 years

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I Don’t Have A Name For It

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Masterlist

This is based off the song I Don’t Have A Name For It by Steam Powered Giraffe. I would definitely recommend listening to it. I love that song and have been meaning to write something for it forever, and then, lo and behold, Valentine’s Day and all the sweet mushiness I could ask for.

Warnings: None

Pairing: Romantic Logicality

Words: 1,728

Summary: Logan does not know what to call the feelings that Patton makes him experience.Luckily, it's an easily-solved problem.

Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! I wrote Logicality fluff!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Virgil, I have a serious query for you. How do you confess that you...experience emotions for someone?” Logan asked. His roommate spun slowly in his chair to face Logan and raised his eyebrows at the flush coating Logan’s cheeks.

“Are you finally ready to admit that to Patton?”

“But I do not know how,” Logan repeated, and he flopped full body onto Virgil’s bed with a groan.

“Wow. The situation must be dire,” Virgil said dryly. “Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

“I do not have adequate language to describe my feelings for Patton to myself, let alone to the object of such affections. I always seem to be tongue tied when he is around, and I cannot think clearly enough to even begin to tell him how I feel.”

“You can practice...on...me?” Virgil said quietly. Logan lifted his face off the bed to glare, and Virgil was sending a strange look toward the bathroom door.

“Yes, because you are just like Patton. Perfect plan, Virgil.” Virgil quickly returned his gaze to Logan, though he seemed unamused at Logan’s own problem, which was rather unusual. Logan dropped his face back into the comforter.

“Screw off,” he said, and Logan could imagine that Virgil was probably flipping him off. Then Virgil sighed and the sound of typing accompanied his next sentence. “I don’t know what you see in him, anyway.”

“What!” Logan yelped, shooting off the bed like he had been lit aflame.

“I mean, he’s an okay baker, I guess.” Virgil shrugged but did not look away from his computer screen. “And he’s nice enough. But honestly, I just don’t get it.”

“He-he-I-” Logan took a breath, trying to steady his thoughts enough that he could thoroughly destroy every opinion Virgil held on this particular subject. “He is amazing. He is wonderfully kind, and sometimes when he is standing across the room from me somewhere he knows I don’t want to be, he’ll wink at me. I nearly fall to the floor every time, and then he’ll smile at me like he knows, and I do not even have the words to articulate how gorgeous he looks. His whole face lights up like a spiral galaxy, and though I know it does not make sense, not every star in the known or unknown universe could come together and look more radiant than Patton does when he smiles like that. I am always...starstruck.

“When he laughs, it is the most joyful sound I have ever heard. He laughs like every little thing that happens to him is worth it, and like he is simply so ecstatic to be alive that he cannot help but love every bit of it. And he cries whenever he sees babies, be they animal or human. Like they are simply too cute for him to handle, but even with puffy eyes and a stuffy nose he is still the most resplendent thing I have ever laid eyes on.

“And when he takes my hand to lead me,” Logan added, eyes closing slightly, “I would follow him without having to see where we are going. Our hands fit perfectly together as though we were made for each other, and I trust him no matter what he is doing. I could not doubt anything that Patton did.

“I don’t have a name for the way Patton makes me feel. It something else entirely, and I am made speechless every time I begin to think about it all. About him.” Logan sighed softly, lost in his own thoughts.

“I don’t know,” Virgil said dismissively. Logan’s eyes snapped open like he’d been electrocuted. “Doesn’t really seem all that special to me.”

“But-but it is!” Logan jumped up and began to pace the room, hands moving wildly through the air. “He makes me feel so special. When he looks at me, and asks me for help in performing some task that he finds difficult or even that he simply did not want to do alone, I am always astonished. He comes to me when he wants company, and he trusts me to help him. He can find fun in any job, regardless of the monotony, and he is so beautiful when he focuses. He’ll stick his tongue out just slightly enough to be seen, and he doesn’t even know he does it. And he always works so hard on whatever he has given his attention to; it does not matter to him how important the task is, only that it is done well and with love.

“And I can talk to him about anything in a way that I have never been able to before. I marvel at all the the things he says, how wise he can be when most of the time he acts so silly. He loves talking about the universe as much as I do, and he can listen to me explain it for hours without tiring of it. He loves debating if we have an ultimate goal, a reason for being, and he does not think any opinion on it is not worth hearing.

“And he is still so wonderful and fun-loving other times. Sometimes he will turn on music that he enjoys and dance around the room singing along, and then he’ll wrap his fingers around my wrist and pull me up with him. I am not a good singer, but when Patton urges me to sing my heart out with him I find it impossible to refrain. His voice is so sweet and I am always left in awe of how every song can fall from his lips like he is giving each story they tell life without a thought.”

Logan stilled, hands lowering slowly. “I have been trying to find a reason for this strange feeling I get whenever I am in Patton’s presence. I have looked and looked for something that could explain the unique way he makes my heart race and my face blush so that it is not an unpleasant experience. I cannot find one. I do not think there’s a name for it. The whys and hows of my feelings for Patton are a mystery, but I do not need a name for them when they are so encompassing that I can barely think about anything else.”

Logan turned to face Virgil, but froze when he saw the smug smirk curling his lips. “You egged me on so that I would rant about him again. Damnit.” Logan shook his head and rubbed his temples.

“Always works,” Virgil said quietly. Then, louder, “Logan, buddy, I have to tell you something. But first, that was great. If you said that exact thing to Patton, I’m sure he would love it.”

“No,” Logan said vehemently. “I will stutter and lose my train of thought because his eyes are so distracting and I will never get it out. I will look like a fool, Virgil.”

“Or not,” Virgil said. “I’m just saying, I don’t think it would be half as embarrassing as you think. I hope not, anyway.”

“I would not make any plans on a hope,” Logan muttered.

“Too late for that. And it’s been working so far.” Before Logan could ask what that was supposed to mean, Virgil spun his chair around again. “Do you wanna come out of the bathroom or are you planning on spending the night in there?”

The blood drained from Logan’s face when the door swung open and an open-mouthed Patton shyly stepped out.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Virgil said, getting out his chair and cracking his back. “Don’t have sex on my bed.” He stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him before Logan could throttle him or beg him for help, leaving Logan alone in a room with Patton. Patton, who was still staring at him like he was an exhibit at the zoo.

“I am so sorry,” Logan immediately said. “You weren’t supposed to hear any of that.”

“No, no, it’s alright,” Patton rushed to say, finally regaining animation. “It’s amazing. You have no idea how happy I am.”

“What?”

“You’re pulling all my heartstrings, Lolo.” He crossed the room carefully and took Logan’s hand, pulling him to sit on Virgil’s bed. He didn’t let go. “My heart has been singing for you since the beginning, and I’ll say it proudly. This feeling,” he laid a gentle hand over Logan’s heart, “is staying. You set my heart on fire, Logan, and it’s not a fire that any kind of water is going to douse.”

“What about baking soda?” he said, choked.

“Dad joke.” Patton booped his nose with his free hand. Logan could not even roll his eyes, not with Patton looking at him like that. “I think you are the most stunning person I have ever met. You dance with me, and you can keep me balanced and in the moment always. You are always willing to come with me or invite me along with you when you have a crazy science scheme you want to test out. You’re my partner in crime. The texture of your hair is so soothing when I touch it and it curls around my fingers, and,” Patton paused, tears in his eyes, and collected himself. “And it’s the look in your eyes when you finally connect all the pieces of a mystery that’s been bugging you. You practically glow when you’ve figured something out, whether it’s for you or someone you love.”

Patton flattened his hand over Logan’s heart and Logan could feel the steady thumping reverberate. “Our hearts beat in sync, in the same pattern, in the same rhythm over and over and over again. One and the same.” Patton smiled up at Logan, a tear slipping out.

“I don’t have a name for it either, Lo.” Patton leaned in a little. “But it’s kind of like being in love.”

“Oh,” Logan breathed.

“Yeah,” Patton said, and he laughed and it was enough to throw Logan over the edge. He leaned forward and caught Patton’s lips in a searing kiss that felt just the way Patton’s heart does, like the fire was spreading all over them both and every last one of Logan’s nerves and synapses was been branded with Patton.

It’s not a branding that Logan has any issue with.

#ts logan sanders #ts patton sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #ts logan #ts patton #ts logic #ts morality #ts #sanders sides #my writing #fanfic #ts fanfiction #i don't have a name for it #logicality #romantic logicality

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puddygeeks · 4 years

Text

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 53: Jᴜs Dʀᴇɪɴ Jᴜs Dᴀᴜɴ

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Fifty-Three

I woke with a gasp as water slapped across my face and sat up shivering to find Arlo holding an empty bucket with a cold stare. The entire contents of my tent were soaked and the few items of clothing that I kept on to sleep in were stuck to my skin. My gaze fell on Arlo with a heavy accusation behind my eyes, but she was entirely unfazed by the aggression of my posture.

“You did not wake when I called. Get ready to leave.” She shrugged in a nonchalant manner and allowed the bucket to clatter to the ground as she exited the tent. I cursed under my breath at my rude awakening and busied myself with dressing for the day. When I stepped outside, I found Arlo waiting with the horses and as I approached her, she reached out to hand me something. A set of well worn diggers were placed in my hands and I glanced up at her in surprise. “These will suit your style. Use them well.” Despite having just provided me with a gift, her words still carried the air of an order and I nodded obediently. “Food is running low. You need to learn to live off the land if you are to be one of us. Let’s go.” She directed and I followed her lead to mount the horses.

We rode through the open spaces of the area for a while and I noticed that I was starting to grow familiar with the land. Octavia had explained that living in villages and constantly moving had given her a good sense of direction in the past, but this had made little sense to me until now. Arlo led us to the edge of a forest and instructed me to secure the horses. We started through the trees on foot and I tried to remain light footed as Lincoln had taught me. She spent some time setting traps in the area and I watched closely as she carried out the steps as if they were as mundane to her as breathing. It was fascinating to observe her tracking and although she only shared small nuggets of information as she worked rather than teaching me in detail, I lapped up every shred of knowledge that I could.

Arlo made catching large predatory animals seem obnoxiously simple and she guided me through the process of stripping the animal for its meat and fur. I was impressed by the grounder way of using everything and silently followed her with the packaged parts of our catch to a trader in a small house in the middle of nowhere. She thrust a scarf into my hands to wrap around me as a hood, warning that I should be careful not to be recognised here and instructed me to wait outside whilst she did her business. I was feeling strained from the long day but still enjoyed the opportunity to expand my skill set as I considered how useful these lessons could be for the survival of Arkadia. Once she had finished, we made our way back to our horses and I noticed that something in her attitude seemed to have relaxed slightly since her cold reception this morning.

“Why do you carry anger?” Her sudden question caught me off guard and I met her eyes with an uncertain expression. She rolled her eyes at my reaction and continued to tread through the mud with a stern feel to her movements. “It is written all over your face; your rage, your loss, your fear. You are dominated by them. A warrior is guided by their feelings, not controlled by them. What do you hold onto?” She asked with a directness that I still hadn’t adjusted to and I cleared my throat awkwardly.

“I don’t mean to carry it. I’ve tried to let it go but I can’t.” I muttered in a poor attempt at an excuse and she fixed me with a scrutinising look over her shoulder that encouraged me to explain. “I was held captive in Mount Weather, with many other of my people. The things that they did to us haunt me. I see them every night in my dreams, over and over again.” I described as I kept my gaze trained on the ground and I felt her posture stiffen at the mention of the mountain. It seemed to be a taboo subject amongst grounders and I had to admit that I didn’t mind, as I was not keen to discuss it either.

“The mountain has fallen. Your people took their vengeance. Why do you still carry it?” She enquired in an analysing manner that reminded me of Lincoln and I sighed thoughtfully. It seemed to be such a straight-forward concept when she presented it in this way, but without the emotions to cloud her judgement, she was unable to understand the continued trauma that the past had on me.

“It’s not that simple. We are still dealing with the impact of the experience. My loved ones are hurting and the death of the mountain men hasn’t stopped that. I’m angry because even in death they are still hurting us and I can’t do anything to make them stop.” I revealed as I found my voice rising again and she studied me with interest.

“You have won the war but you cannot forget the suffering. You must grow from it, but instead you are resentful of it.” She stated in a calculated summary and I stared back at her in amazement for how easily she was able to navigate to the core of the issue. Her explanation felt like a revelation for me and cleared some of the fog that filled my mind whenever something reminded me of our shared pain. “Focus on the battle before you, not those of your past.” She advised in a mixture of an order and calm reasoning, and as she set off moving again in a determined stomp, her movements expressed that this conversation was over.

Her words repeated in my head for days as we continued to travel towards an unknown location and she frequently paused to put me through my paces with sparring. I could already feel an improvement in my techniques and was pleased that the hard work was having a positive effect. We hadn’t returned to her camp in days and although I wondered where she was leading us, I knew better than to ask questions. I resolved that she would tell me when I needed to know and instead allowed myself the time to reflect on my emotions. I continued to feel the lingering pressure of my anger in the back of my mind, but Arlo’s reflections seemed to have eased it for the time being as I considered how I could grow from the experience as she had instructed.

We rode until early afternoon in silence and I tried to untangle the web of conflicting thoughts that bounced around in my mind. Without a word, Arlo slowed to a stop and pointed for me to tie the horses out of sight in the nearby trees. I ensured that they weren’t easily spotted from the dirt road that we’d halted near and returned to the open space by the road beside her with a confused expression. She pulled a neatly folded piece of paper from her pocket and held it up for me to inspect. I could see a small list of notes with an unfamiliar seal on the bottom that seemed to carry a heavy importance and glanced back at her expectantly.

“There is a pack of ravagers in the area that are attacking villages where the warriors have been called to fight. They’ve decimated three villages of children and elders. The Commander has sentenced them to death. We have our kill orders; this is where they must meet their fate.” She explained, before stowing the paper carefully back in her belt and I realised from the placement that this was the same note that Indra gave her before. Indra’s earlier statement replayed in my mind about assigning her orders from the Commander and comprehension struck me that I was indirectly serving her too now. Arlo studied the dirt road with an intense concentration and I cleared my throat.

“Alright. What’s the plan?” I asked with a patient tone and she thinned her eyes at me over her shoulder. Although we hadn’t been together long, I’d already started to recognise some of her expressions and could see a vast selection of ideas racing past in her eyes. She glanced between me and the road, and when she next faced me, there was a determined smirk set on her lips.

“Live bait.” She drawled in an overly satisfied manner and my stomach lurched in dread. As she briefly detailed the plan, I felt my newfound confidence in our partnership quickly fizzling away into terror. Since our first interaction, she’d shown little to no concern about potentially killing me through her tests and I feared that this could be another instance where the risk was greater than I was prepared for.

Laid on our fronts in the grass, we waited for darkness to fall on the road that led to the village and Arlo informed me that she had calculated this location to be their next target. Once the light had faded, I positioned myself in clear sight on their route and draped my clothing in a way that made me look ravaged. For once, I was glad of my extensive bruising that covered my body as I attempted to look vulnerable and hoped that I would be able to catch their interest. In my mind, a voice was screaming out reasons that this was a terrible idea, as Arlo hid out of sight with my daggers and I prayed that her plan wouldn’t be the death of me. She warned that our targets seemed to go into hiding after each hunt, which had been the reason for their long standing rampage. As a result, Arlo was adamant that an ambush was the only option to find them, other than allowing the sacrifice of another village to draw them out, which was not up for deliberation.

The crunching of footsteps and deep voices drifted in the air from nearby and I tried to calm my nerves as my body chilled against the cool grass. From the arrogant boasting of their conversation, it was clear that they were indeed those responsible for the raiding and it took all of my self control to remain still as they closed in on me with interested commentary. The moment that their hands grazed my side, I sprung to my feet and in a move that had been well drilled into my mind, used my leg to sweep one of them to the ground. They were immediately riled by actions and dropped into a defensive crouch with my fists held out in front of me to protect myself. The group began to circle me hungrily and my heartbeat grew rapid as I assessed my chances in an unarmed scrap against their weapons. One of them lunged forward with a spear and I grabbed the handle to drag him off balance, before promptly kicking the back of his knee joint. A punch caught me off guard and I almost lost my footing as my face throbbed, but just managed to fall backwards in time to avoid the next hit.

“Now, sky girl!” Arlo’s voice was sharp as she fired a well aimed arrow from the trees and in her next movement, tossed my daggers to my feet. I snatched them up without a moment's hesitation and managed to deflect a heavy attack from one of the raiders. Behind them, I witnessed my tutor tearing through the group as if they weren’t hulking giants against two women and although I fought as hard as I could, my attacks were like child's play beside her experienced brutality. There was hardly a piece of clothing on me afterwards that was not covered in blood and despite wiping thoroughly, I couldn’t remove the splattering from my face. Arlo stared down at the bodies with disdain and I was afraid to interrupt as she seemed to seething at them. “Jus drein jus daun.” She growled as she glared at the pile and turned her attention to me with a determined expression. It struck me that this may be too similar to the circumstances of the death of her village and as I considered this comparison, the raw pain that glistened in her eyes confirmed my theory.

“What are your orders, seda?” I enquired calmly as I waited patiently for her to decide on our next actions and struggled not to spiral on the justification of my actions. The blood that stuck to my skin felt suffocating and instead I focused on the hurt in Arlo’s expression to remain rooted in the present.

“We burn them. Then we tell the villages that they are safe.” She declared firmly as she finally regained her usual controlled face and without question, I gathered supplies for the task.

***

My hands strung from scrubbing as I perched by the river and attempted to remove the blood from my clothing. It seemed that no matter how much I washed them, I could not clean away my sins and despite having thoroughly bathed, I could still sense the viscid substance on my skin. Doubt crept in on whether this journey was a mistake, as I considered that my intention of becoming stronger seemed to be the only goal that was being achieved. Instead of dealing with my emotions, I had murdered another short list of people with the only difference that these were under the orders of another and I couldn’t decide if this was better or worse than my choices in Mount Weather. A female voice cleared their throat so close that they were almost on my shoulder and I startled so hard that I came close to falling into the river myself.

“Guilty people are easily shaken.” Arlo stated in a cold tone as I remained with my back to her and attempted to not appear intimidated by her words. I knew that if I faced her, my eyes would likely reveal my state of mind so I continued to scour the fabrics as a distraction. “The blood of your kill is shameful to you?” She probed in a way that was closer to a statement than a question, but I understood her well enough now to know that she would be expecting an answer.

“I killed those people without even seeing their faces or knowing their names. I didn’t question it, I just did it. Is that something I should be proud of?” I responded calmly as I kept my eyes trained on my task and anticipated a lecture or stern lesson for my doubts. I was surprised when she took a seat by my side and studied me with an obvious curiosity.

“Those men killed innocent people, ended many lives. In the villages they murdered children in their beds, cut elders down as they ran for their lives. You delivered justice in the way that they knew would happen when they chose to commit these crimes. Jus drein jus daun. That is our way.” She detailed with a well practised control in the way that she spoke and I shifted awkwardly as the horror of their crimes crawled under my skin to make me feel nauseous. Her words were an immediate reduction on the weight of my regret and as I involuntarily imagined the scenes of the devastation in the villages, the punishment quickly began to feel inadequate for the atrocities they’d committed.

“Then, how are we any better than the mountain? Killing whoever opposes us for the survival of our own people and ways?” I thought aloud and she furrowed her brows at the mention of their enemies. My stomach lurched at the concept that I might have overstepped my boundaries by comparing them to their longstanding adversary and I returned my attention to the washing to avoid her gaze.

“Our people are given a choice. Follow the rules and live in peace, or break them and you will be punished.” She argued in a firmer tone than before that indicated an annoyance buried underneath her cool demeanour and I sighed as I processed this statement. “What would your people do with men such as these?” She enquired with a genuine interest and my gaze snapped back up to her in shock. Until now, it didn’t often occur to me how little Arlo and the rest of the grounders knew of our people, besides considering us to be soft. They weren’t aware that our ways weren’t all that different, as I reflected on some of the morally questionable decisions made by the council for our survival on the Ark. I considered this situation under the leadership of Arkadia for a while as I realised that I was unsure of the answer in our new society.

“Before we would probably have killed them too. We didn’t have the resources to waste on criminals.” I revealed with an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and she seemed both surprised and satisfied by this information. “But since we arrived here...I guess probably exile them?” I concluded as I recalled the decisions that had been made thus far to distance our people from our previous laws and she tutted under her breath in disapproval.

“So that they can harm others outside of your borders? This is selfish.” She growled bitterly and from her reaction, I got the impression that this was not the first time our selfish actions had affected her, or the grounders as a whole. “Or perhaps they will find allies and return for vengeance, or power? Also foolish and unwise.” She listed with an expression that was thoroughly unimpressed with this imaginary decision and I recalled Murphy’s exile. I reminded myself that this punishment eventually resulted in the death of multiple camp members, and almost Bellamy, in an attempt for him to overtake the camp. As I considered her argument, I found myself agreeing with her point of view, despite my initial reservations. “These men were given the mercy of a quick death. By our laws, they would have been executed in an agonising ceremony, but it would have taken a large force to capture them alive and the Commander does not have this to waste. They deserved their fate. You are simply the hand to deliver it. There should be no guilt in this.” She clarified with a stern expression as I raised my eyes to meet hers and I nodded in understanding, grateful for a new viewpoint to reflect on.

We shared a meal in silence as I turned her words over in my mind and tried to convince myself to liberate myself of the guilt. My gut instinct still urged me to persist in learning from her and although I could no longer recognise whether my decisions were improving or not, I listened keenly to our next briefing of tasks on her list.

“Someone is causing unrest against the Commander. There are tensions in the city that Indra believes are being exploited. We must find the source.” She instructed as she stared down at the piece of paper with intensity and I was relieved to discover that this assignment didn’t immediately seem to involve killing someone. “We will go to the trade posts. If they intend to gather numbers, they will have to venture there eventually. That is where we will lure them out.” She stated as she stashed the list away and I found myself wondering how the Commander had gained such a level of commitment from Arlo. Perhaps it was simple as providing her with a purpose after the loss of her daughter and home, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was deeper than that. She began to noisily clear things in camp and this shook me from my thoughts. I took this as my signal to get ready to leave and rushed to ensure that I had everything needed.

Arlo did a thorough check of my clothing and adjusted my hood before we even entered the trading outposts to ensure that I would not draw any unwanted attention. It was fascinating to survey her once inside the bustling locale of the market. The way that she flowed through the crowds with no effort given to her movements and seemed completely at home in the chaotic environment was mesmerising to me, as I struggled to navigate without bumping every person that I passed. It was obvious now that she had grown up as an active part of the grounder community, not always as an outcast and the closer that I observed her, the more I noticed about her. The way that she held herself provided a subtle indication that she had been in a position of authority; the scope of her observation that revealed her deep distrust of everyone and her attention to detail, and the confidence with which she presented herself as if she already expected the respect of whomever she was speaking to.

Although we remained close enough to monitor events and conversations, she ensured that we were never in the centre of everything to minimise risk. There was a remarkable amount of sights to see and I struggled to focus on any particular goal under the sensory overload of grounder culture that surrounded me. Time flew past in the excitement of the markets and despite having only heard some minor whispers at best, Arlo was determined that we were on the right trail. I began to wonder if she was withholding some kind of clues from me, as she followed some invisible lead like a bloodhound. By the third day of hanging around, we overheard a conversation that gripped us both. There was a swift response to some criticism of the alliance with the sky people, which offered a meeting to any party who might be interested in supporting a more worthy Commander.

I stood as stiff as a board as I listened as keenly as I could, whilst trying to be inconspicuous. The informant grew nervous and listed a location to meet later on, before leaving us alone to continue examining items in the marketplace as if we’d heard nothing. Once confident that we were not being watched, Arlo grabbed my arm to guide me from the stalls. We returned to our horses to fully arm up and as we headed toward the meeting point, I noticed a subtle fury in her eyes that only further fuelled my earlier suspicions about her commitment to the Commander.

“Remember, we take the leader alive.” Arlo emphasised as we crunched through the trees into the woodlands around the trade posts and I nodded in acknowledgement.

We split up to approach our target from opposite sides of the clearing and I was assigned the role of ambusher whilst Arlo distracted the informant by masquerading as an interested ally. I crept low to the ground and concentrated on making my steps as quiet as possible. There was a set of men awaiting Arlo, either side of a smaller framed person who wore a hood and kept their back to me. I analysed that this was the person that we’d heard earlier and knew that this would be our target to capture. I observed as Arlo strolled up to them with a poker face that could only be developed through years of sly tactics and ensured that I was well placed to strike at a moment's notice. As soon as I was sure that she was close enough, I leapt forward to capture the smallest target whilst Arlo efficiently cut down the two guards. The informant struggled against my grip and it was a challenge to contain her, until she was quickly injected with something that I hadn’t seen used before now. She went limp in my hands and dropped quickly to the ground.

“Azgeda, should have known.” Arlo commented as she pushed back the hood to reveal several purposeful burns on the face of our captive in tribal patterns. I felt my gut drop at the mention of this clan again and was conflicted on whether to mention the last attack from them that Octavia and I had survived. Before I could decide, she straightened to standing and fixed me with a stern expression. “I need to take her to Polis for questioning. The Commander will want to investigate this herself. I cannot take you with me whilst tensions with your people are mounting. You are to meet me where Indra signals in four days.” She ordered whilst I struggled to comprehend that I had just been given free time and blinked back at her with a blank expression. “Four days to decide if you can live with your choices and fight on, or do not come back. Do not disappoint me sky girl.” She added coldly as she thinned her eyes and her withering stare snapped me from my shock.

I assisted her in transporting the Azgedan to the horses and as she galloped off with her evidence gracelessly slung across the horse, I directed myself back to our camp. It felt strange to return to my original clothes and as I gradually released my hair from the tight braids, I felt as if I hardly recognised myself any longer. It was as if I had split myself into two people and the transition between the two was uncomfortable as I strained to remember where each belonged. I was relieved that the worst of my bruising seemed to have faded now and though it was significantly better than when Octavia left, I still appeared as if I had a gruelling time away from home. I packed my grounder clothes into a bag in case I needed them in a rush and mounted the horse to navigate back to Arkadia.

Crossing the field in front of our gates, the sensation rushed over me that I had been away for years and I felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of returning. I prayed that I would not return to chaos, as I needed some time to simply recharge after the intensity of Arlo. Once near the gates, I waited patiently whilst the guard tower radioed for permission to allow me inside and had to laugh at the absurdity of this when I’d barely been gone for ten days. The realisation slowly sunk in that if Bellamy had not already been aware of my arrival before, then he’d probably hear on the radio now and I was unsure what to expect from his greeting. I trotted inside with my usual array of bruises and hoped that he would not make a scene about the state of me. It was a relief to plod through the courtyard with little more than a few polite nods from nearby residents as I passed and I wandered to the stables to settle my horse calmly. Turning to leave, I found Octavia standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

“Ah, the wanderer returns at last.” She pouted in a tone that indicated that she was unimpressed with my absence and I rolled my eyes at her in disapproval.

“I said I was going to wait until I looked better to come back. I wasn’t away that long! And I checked in with Bellamy, he said camp was fine.” I replied defensively and she shook her head at me as she slowly broke into a smirk. It was obvious that she was too relieved that I was home to maintain her annoyance and I let out a slow breath as I relaxed.

“Well, you still look like hell. Just so you know.” She stated with a brow raised mockingly and I chuckled at her blunt attitude. I began to stroll lazily out of the stables and she remained close by my side. “Bellamy and the others are out on the rover for a while yet, so it sounds like you have some free time. I remember you making me a promise when I saw you last.” She probed with her eyes glistening with a clear agenda and I groaned in rebellion as I recalled our conversation.

“Tavi, I don’t need to see a doctor, I’m fine.” I argued, already regretting my previous comment about seeing Abby and she halted on the spot to fix me with a scathing glare. I gulped in dread as I anticipated her response and shuffled avoidantly on the spot.

“Oh really?” She enquired in a baiting tone and I nodded back in stubborn determination. She reached out to push my waist and a fierce howl escaped my lips as I stumbled away from her in shock. “Yeah, really looks like it. Come on, let’s get to medical.” She declared with a hint of a victorious confidence in her voice and I sighed in frustration, whilst remaining disobediently on the spot. “You can either walk there willingly, or we can fight and you can end up being carried there in a stretcher. Your choice.” She ordered with complete seriousness to her threat and I reluctantly accepted my fate. In all honesty, I wanted my time here to be as restful as possible and if sitting on a bed whilst Abby fussed around me would get Octavia out of my hair, I was willing to begrudgingly endure it.

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talkfastcal · 4 years

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you can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎵🎶

rules: hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

Thank you for tagging me! @i-like-5sos

1. Long Way Home - 5SOS: Oh! I haven’t heard this song in awhile. This is one of my favorites from self titled (although I will always prefer the acoustic version) I still remember when they changed the lyrics to “white snake on the radio” during my ROWYSO show. My favorite lyric is “so we’re taking the long way home cause I don’t wanna be wasting my time alone”

2. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga: I remember the first time I heard this being 11 years old and shocked LMAO if I’m being real honest I love the beat (AND THE BASS) of this song. ALSO the chorus “I WONT CRY FOR YOU” is so GOOD

3. Not Warriors - Waterparks: y’all are in for a TREAT THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE WATERPARKS SONGS. I cannot just listen to this song just once. It’s always at least 3 times and it’s ALWAYS blasting (and yes I did replay it 3 times and blast it through my headphones while typing this) When the beat drops and “THERES NOTHING IN MY SYSTEM SO IM FEELING WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU” so POWERFUL!!!! My favorite lyric is “but hey for what it’s worth I think you saved my life”

4. Best Song Ever - One Direction: I still refuse to believe this song is about sex LMAO this is such a fun song to dance to though I love it. My favorite part is Niall’s solo “I said can I take you home with me, she said never in your wildest dreams”

5. Strong - One Direction: OH! FUCK! MY FAVORITE ONE DIRECTION SONG DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH THE CHORUS “IM SORRY IF I SAY I NEED YOU” I CANT I CANT. If you have not heard them acapella sing this do me a favor and go listen ITS SO GOOD ALSO! Zayn’s high note. My favorite lyric is ofc Louis’ solo “think of how much love that’s been wasted people always trying to escape it move on to stop their heart breaking but there’s nothing I’m running from, you make me strong”

6. Kids In The Dark - All Time Low: YES I LOVE THIS SONG I LOVE THIS ALBUM I LOVE THE MEANING OF THE SONG I’m not joking when I say that I found this song and this band during the hardest time in my life and this song just really hit me hard. My favorite lyric is “beautiful scars on critical veins” AND the firework pop towards the end!!!!

7. Olivia - One Direction: I will admit this song has grown on me big time post hiatus (also the fact that now I’m not hiding my sexuality from myself I can freely listen to this song without feeling ashamed) I! Love! This! Song! It’s such a cute love song!! My favorite lyric is “the summertime butterflies all belong to your creation”

8. I Love You 5 - Never Shout Never: another band I was obsessed with back in 2015 I haven’t listened to this song in awhile!! I remember loving this song though and using it everywhere. I also like in the beginning he says “I love you one a two a three shoobe-doo I love you four that’s more than I can afford”

9. Only Angel - Harry Styles: idk not much to say about this Harry song it’s not in my top 5 but it’s a good song! I like listening to it but it’s just not my favorite. My favorite lyric is “open up your eyes shut your mouth and see that I’m still the only one who’s been in love with me”

10. Viva La Vida - Coldplay: no one: - me: AHHHHHHHHH literally this song will never be the same ever since 1d performed it on xfactor. Idk what to say about this song other than the fact that I like it??? I also like 1D’s cover of it??? Yea cool. My favorite lyric is “Never an honest word but that was when I ruled the world”

11. Glitter & Crimson - All Time Low: this song has definitely grown on me since the release of wake up sunshine. ALSO THE BRIDGE! My favorite lyric is “lets start lets start a riot hard to sit still when your head’s on fire”

12. (Love Will) Turn Back The Hands Of Time - Grease 2: don’t clown me y’all but this movie and soundtrack are a guilty pleasure. I love the original grease BUT grease 2!! It’s such a stupid movie but the soundtrack is fantastic. Anyways this song is another guilty pleasure LMAO I love the whole song so I’m not picking a “favorite lyric”

13. Savior - Rise Against: OH!!!! OH!!! THIS SONG RIGHT HERE!!!! fun fact: the first time I actually heard this song was when I watched a video of someone on YouTube burning her littlest pet shops because a trade went wrong and she got scammed so she took her anger out on that. I literally forgot about this song until one day I heard it in my junior year literature class and had major deja vu. Okay anyways I love this song LMAO my favorite part is the chorus “that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save. That’s when I told her I love you girl but I’m not the answer for the questions that you still have WOAH OH OH WOAH OH OHHH”

14. National Anthem - DE’WAYNE: okay THIS SONG it’s so good and it describes what it’s like growing up in America as a POC. I don’t wanna say too much about it since I’m not a POC so I know I will never fully understand the song because of my privilege but I appreciate the fuck out of this. I love the entire song I don’t have a favorite lyric

15. Your Love - Nicki Minaj: I miss this Nicki Minaj. UM not much to say about this song either??? It’s a good song and I like it?! My favorite part is the chorus OH and the outro I love it

16. Just Dance - Lady Gaga: another pop classic from my childhood alright I MEAN ITS JUST DANCE?! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS SONG??? ALSO THIS LADY GAGA?! Don’t get me wrong I love the lady Gaga we have now BUT THIS ONE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSOCIATED WITH MY CHILDHOOD AND PRETEEN YEARS. I remember feeling like a badass singing this song when I was 10 years old LMAO I don’t have a favorite lyric I love the whole thing it’s a bop

17. Dear Patience - Niall Horan: Oh!! One of my favorites from Heartbreak Weather. His voice in this song is just so beautiful ugh yes. I absolutely love the chorus of this. My favorite lyric is “feels like you don’t even know me just me and the stars can get lonely”

18. San Francisco - 5sos: OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG ITS IN MY TOP 3 FROM SOUNDS GOOD FEELS GOOD. I hardly see anyone appreciate this song so I’m here to tell y’all: ITS A GOOD SONG?!?! have y’all listened to the live version AS WELL!!!! masterpiece. This song makes me happy especially the guitar at the beginning. My favorite lyric is “reminds me of when we were free I swear that it’s still haunting me” BUT! I do love that pre-chorus

19. They All Float - Waterparks: NICE a song from their first EP okay but I love this song it’s much heavier compared to what they sing now and that’s what I like about it. My favorite part is THE BRIDGE!!! “this is the part where you cut your losses this is the part where you get a job this is the part where you settle for less just like you never wanted to”

20. We made it finally Adrenaline - Simple Creatures: OH MY GOD THIS SONG LISTEN this is the first song I listened to from this band (which btw if y’all didn’t know is made up of Alex Gaskarth from ATL and Mark Hoppus from Blink-182) I mean while it’s more pop (which is what their intention is) ITS STILL A GOOD BAND!!! ESPECIALLY THIS SONG!! ITS SO GOOD DAMN I love the music video omfg. I’m just a sucker for dance choreography since I grew up surrounded by dance (I did competitive dance for a couple of years and my sister was a competitive dancer until she graduated) okay enough about me this song is so damn good I can’t stop saying that alright! My favorite lyric “I think we’re failin to connect you don’t what you do to me do to me do to me” and I LOVE THE CHORUS

This was fun!!! And it took me forever LMAO I’m not tagging 10 people but I’ll tag some

@louhazzabeingloudandloud @28-oops-hi @devilatmydoor @glitter-cal and anyone else who wants to do this!! 💜

#tag games #mutuals 💜#long post

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phantom-god-suki · 4 years

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Sincerely, Yours

Warning!! This is really intense, so read with caution. If you are sensitive to stuff like this, please stop now!

“It is way too quiet” Levy thinks to himself as he observes the battlefield. There were signs of the enemy. He must be very close to the border, and should arrive here any moment now. Things seem to go smoothly but he can’t help feeling nervous. “It's like we're led here…”

“Master Levy...” A soldier approaches Levy.

“What do you want?” Levy asks without turning to see who was calling out to him.

“It appears Master Mefy did not arrived”

“What? Mefy should’ve been here by now… what the hell is he doing?!” He smacks his lips.

“I’m sorry master...they haven't arrived.” Levy shoos the soldier away and thinks to himself. He clearly remembers Mefy saying that he had a few more things to prepare, but that his absence would weaken the armies formation greatly. A soldier runs up in panic.

“Enemy Attack!” A soldier yells.

“Where is Mefy? Shit...we’ll have to stall until he arrives. How many soldiers do they have?” Being on the battlefield was a lot more stressful than the books said. Every book he read led up to this moment, so he has no time to worry about the small things.

“Erm…”

“What?!”

“...”

“Why are you so quiet?? Answer me!!” Levy grits his teeth and turns to the soldier.

“The enemy soldiers are countless… they have surrounded our base from all sides!” Levy pushes past the soldier and walks outside to take in the scene. He bites his bottom lip and slumps his shoulders. Soldiers in white uniforms completely surround the base. ‘That’s impossible... how could they be this prepared for a surprise attack?’ Levy thinks to himself. ‘Could Mefy...ah, of course not...that's preposterous.” A strong gust of wind strikes Levy and he nearly falls over. Levy immediately looks to his left to see a powerful angel with an eye patch.

“Cute boy… let me enjoy this, alright?” The angel laughs as he gets closer to Levy to examine him.

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Battle ended a lot quicker than expected. Levy was heavily wounded and around him were all those soldiers who gave up their lives for his sake. He holds the hair clip that he gave Y/N close to his heart. He knew he was going to die but his suffering was far from over.

“You…”Levy looks up to see the fearsome general, Ricardo standing over him.Ricardo sees the hairpin/clip

“Heh...too bad your loved one won’t see you again. Don't worry though, I'll keep her company~” Ricardo smirks and presses his boot on Levy’s wound.

“She's... gone back to her world. You'll never see her.” Levy groans as he coughs up blood.

“Huh? That’s a pity. I'll just keep you for myself instead.” He lowers his boot to Levy’s groin. “You're a dead man anyways. I could just kill you and be done with it, buuut that would be too merciful of me wouldn't it?” He rubs his boots over Levy's groin.

“Y-You bastard..” Levy weakly tries to reach for his sword but Ricardo hits his head and he blacks out.

Wet, cold and dark. Those were the only words that could be used to describe his current whereabouts. The only source of light was the torch in the hallway of the dungeon. Levy woke up with a massive headache. He was sitting down on the cold floor completely naked with his hands chained together held above his head. He tried to focus on his surroundings but it took forever for his eyes to adjust to the darkness.

Footsteps could be heard from down the hall, slowly approaching the cell he was in. A silhouette stops in front of the cell door.

“You’re finally awake? What a surprise. I thought you would be out till at least morning.” The silhouette opens the door to reveal Ricardo. Levy tries to move but his whole body aches in pain.

“What the fuck did you do to me?” Levy mutters weakly.

“Oh. You don’t remember anything? Did I hit your head that hard? I’m sorry sweetie~” He smiles sadistically. Memories of the battlefield flood back to Levy in a split second. He lost the battle. He was a failure. Worthless.

“I-I’m useless…”

“You got your whole army destroyed. You don’t even deserve to be called useless. It wasn't all you though. Mefy helped us out a lot. Without his information, my job would be a little more tedious.”

“Bullshit!! He would never help you assholes out!” Levy yells in fury. His headache seems to get worse by the second.

Ricardo kicks his wound again, causing Levy to grimace in pain.

“Know your place, sweetheart. This is my domain,” Ricardo says coldly. “Believe what you want though. Not like I can change your mind. What I can do however is… teach you a lesson about respecting your superiors. So...I think it's about time I do something about that disgusting cock of yours.” Ricardo licks his lips as he kneels down in front of Levy and injects a liquid into his neck.

“Ughh...what are you doing?” He groans in pain.

“It's just a little something to get you in the mood~”

At that moment Levy puts two and two together. “NO NO NO YOU CAN'T--” Levy shouts as he starts kicking around and is rewarded with a punch in the face.

“Come now, I don't wanna scramble your brain more than necessary. There’s nothing you can do, so try to enjoy it while I'm feeling nice… Trust me you don’t wanna make me angry...” Ricardo snarls as he starts to remove his clothes. Dread gnawed at Levy’s insides but he also can't stop the excitement bubbling up. ‘Must be an aphrodisiac.’ He thought to himself.

Ricardo pulls out his cock and smacks Levy in the face with it. “You know what to do cutie.” He smirks. Levy feels a cold piece of metal against his forehead. “If I feel any teeth…” Ricardo cocks his gun and Levy soon realizes that he is in a life or death situation. He may survive to see another day and maybe even escape this hell hole if he cooperates. Without a moment's notice, Ricardo thrusts himself into Levy’s mouth. A muffled sound comes from Levy as Ricardo grabs him by the hair with his free hand, shoving his cock deeper down his throat. “Fuuck...your throat feels amazing…” He moans. Ricardo showed no mercy, caring little about Levy’s well being. Tears started to gather in front of Levy’s eyes and his lungs were burning from lack of oxygen. Levy gags as Ricardo's cock flattens his uvula against the top of his throat. Ricardo pulls out to let Levy gasp for air.

“Y-You bastard... I'll make you pay for this.” Levy coughs and glares at Ricardo. His stern gaze is immediately offset by Ricardo's laughter.

“You should be a comedian with how hilarious that was! How are you planning to make me pay?” Ricardo grins and places his hand on his hips. Levy averts his eyes. He doesn’t want to give more information to the enemy. Not after being betrayed by his brother.

‘Then again I did the same to Lucia’ Levy dreads.

Ricardo pulls Levy towards him and spreads his legs apart. “Now,” Ricardo stops to take in Levy’s weak naked body. “It's time for the main course.” Ricardo gave a wicked smile and removes his gloves.

“W-wait, you can’t be-” Ricardo puts his fingers in front of Levy's mouth.

“I suggest you get them nice and wet.. For your sake of course, it doesn't matter to me.” Levy reluctantly takes his fingers in his mouth, trying to distribute as much saliva as possible. What he did not expect was Ricardo grabbing his member and giving it a jerk. That's when he realized his little problem. He was awfully hard and couldn't stop moaning around Ricardo's fingers.

“Look at you, can’t help yourself from moaning like a common whore.” Ricardo hisses at Levy as he takes out his fingers, slips a finger into Levy’s ass, and moves it slowly, sending waves of pleasure throughout his body. Soon after, he inserts a second finger.

“S-Stop it-- please i can’t--” Levy moans. Ricardo ignores him and inserts a third finger while continuing to jerk off Levy. He starts to tremble with pleasure as he tightens around Ricardo’s fingers.

“How can I stop when you're inviting me like this? Your asshole is practically begging me for more. You should be grateful.” Ricardo muses. Levy attempts to hide his pleasure by biting down on his bottom lip till it bleeds. “Ohh?” Ricardo slightly curls his fingers and quickly pulls them out of Levy. The subtle ecstasy is immediately interrupted by a piercing pain.

“FUCK!!” Levy cries in pain.

“You feel so good…” Ricardo growls as he licks his lips. Levy glares into his defiler’s eye. Words cannot describe the amount of hate and humiliation flowing through him. His eyes suddenly widen as sharp pain spikes through his asshole. Ricardo begins to thrust his hips into the helpless demon. As Ricardo kept on pounding into him, pain slowly dissolves into pleasure. He's not supposed to like this, and yet this sensation was so new to him that he couldn’t help himself. Levy tries to ignore the feeling and attempts to break free, only to be met by Ricardo grabbing him by the jaw roughly to make Levy look at him.

“Keep struggling. It only fuels me more.” Ricardo smirks and starts touching all over his body. Levy couldn't stop the pleasure working its way through him like liquid fire. When Ricardo pinches his nipples, it was like a thunder strike over his body. He couldn't stop his hips rutting back to the sadistic angel.

“Now you're getting into it,” Ricardo purrs. “It's adorable how sensitive you are.”

“S-Shut up-- You-- Argghh--” Levy cries out as Ricardo abruptly bites all over Levy's neck and makes him bleed.

“Fuck...you’re such a masochistic slut aren’t you? I can feel you clench around me…” Levy shudders as he hears those words. His head was getting more and more empty with each thrust and bite. “Just admit it. You like it when I claim your tight little ass. You like it when I jerk that pathetic cock of yours. Say it. Say it!!” Ricardo roars. Levy could see the madness behind his eye, but Ricardo was right. He was enjoying his rough treatment more than he should have been.

“F-fuck you...you monster...” Levy mutters pathetically. Ricardo stops thrusting for a moment and lifts Levy's legs up to his shoulders. His eyes widened when he felt Ricardo's cock brush his prostate. He lets out a loud moan as Ricardo laughs sadistically. Levy was approaching a gradual climax. Just a few more thrusts would be enough to send him over the edge. His eyes started rolling back but Ricardo pulled out his gun again and shoves it in Levy's mouth.

“Don't you dare cum.. Unless you want to die. I wouldn't mind finishing inside your corpse.” Ricardo chuckles with his cheerful voice.

“Mmffffff” Levy muffles in panic and fear. Ricardo stops his movements,removes the gun from Levy's mouth, gets closer to Levy's face and whispers.

“Beg me,” Ricardo pulls the gun out of his mouth and kisses his lips softy . “Beg me and I’ll consider it.” For a moment, Levy thought that Ricardo was generous after putting him through all that pain.

“Please...please allow me to cum.” Levy begs quietly, looking away from Ricardo blushing.

“Hmmm let me think about it… After insulting me so many times even though I was so nice to you… Should I let you cum? I think the fuck not!” Ricardo laughs as he pumps his cock deeper into the demon. Levy digs his nails into his palms and bites his lower lip. He was getting hazy from all the sensations he was receiving. Pain, pleasure, fear, panic. Levy was a mess. Luckily for him, Ricardo was also on the edge. The rhythm of his thrusts was beginning to falter.

“R-Ricardo…” Levy whimpered.

“Fuck...stop saying my name with your filthy mouth. Shit...I’m cumming.” Ricardo slows down and pulls out. He cums all over Levy’s weak body. The demon was a twitching mess after being denied for so long.

“Damn, that was the best sex I’ve ever had.” Ricardo exhales as he starts dressing himself and stands over Levy. Many footsteps approach the cell and stop in front.

“Is it our turn yet sir?” A soldier asks while waiting for permission from Ricardo to unbuckle his belt. Levy looks up and Ricardo and into his eye.

“Ricardo..” Levy could barely whisper before giving in to the tiredness that had been eating him alive.

#nightmare harem #levy nightmare harem #ricardo nightmare harem

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hamliet · 5 years

Text

The Man-God: BSD’s Dostoyevsky and Demons’ Kirillov

So, I finally read Bungou Stray Dogs. And y’all, I freaking love this manga. It’s got themes of life, grief, death, trauma, and is chock-full of literary references and puns.

Shocking no one, one of my favorite characters--the reason I started reading the story--is Dostoyevsky, since I’m... rather an admitted fangirl of Dostoyevsky’s novels. I’ve reread each of them at least twice and some (C&P) up to five times. Clearly BSD’s Dostoyevsky not the hopeful, faithful author, but he’s definitely a fascinating antagonist whose arc is digging into the themes of Dostoyevsky the writer’s novels--with a particular focus on the two novels that are my very favorite novels ever written, by anyone, in history: Crime and Punishment and Demons.

But in truth, it draws more from Demons than from Crime and Punishment, right down to having BSD!Dostoyevsky directly quote it.

Demons is far, far less popular that Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov, and even The Idiot, so I was really surprised to see how often it’s been referenced in BSD (The reason it’s less popular is honestly justified: the first 100 pages are paced... horribly, but the rest of the novel is so powerful that I can overlook that). It’s been translated under a variety of titles as well: The Possessed, The Devils, and the most recent is Demons so that’s what we’re going with in this meta.

Pssst--look at how often BSD!Dostoyesvky is associated with demons or devils:

Yet Demons has been popular with literary theorists (one well-known critic has described it as containing “the most harrowing scene in all of fiction,” an assessment I’d agree with--and this is the scene I’m going to discuss in detail) and existentialists like Camus (sorry Camus). Anyways, I have a soft spot for Demons because it contains my very favorite character in existence: Alexei Nilyich Kirillov, who is the character BSD!Dostoyesvky directly quotes.

@blackandwhitemusician did a great analysis of the similar philosophies BSD!Dostoyevsky shares with Crime and Punishment’s Raskolnikov, but I want to talk about how BSD!Dostoyevsky is also modeled after Kirillov’s philosophical ideas. This isn’t to say he embodies them, because Kirillov is decidedly not a villain unlike BSD!Dostoyevsky, but BSD!Dostoyevsky definitely draws heavily from Kirillov’s ideals.

Kirillov is a character who, like Raskolnikov, embodies the contradictions of human nature, but in a hyperbolic way. He's noted to have a "calm but warm and kindly expression"and adores children, playing with them, and he even helps his friend Shatov's wife give birth (he's endearingly awkward and scared for the whole ordeal). He affirms that he is “fond of life” and yet he is determined, from the moment we meet him, to shoot himself as suicide because in doing so he will save himself and the world.

Kirillov’s reasoning is complex and at the same time, spotty, and stems from a deep despair and disgust with human sin. Sound familiar?

Time is also a major motif with BSD! Dostoyevsky and with Kirilllov. He does not believe in time as more than an “idea.” He insists that “life exists, but death doesn’t at all… [I believe] in eternal life here. There are moments, you reach moments, and time suddenly stands still, and it will become eternal.”

(Clocks constantly appear in BS chapter 42, Dostoyevsky’s introduction, as well.)

Kirillov also draws from other philosophies such as Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am,” affirming that “man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy… If they knew that it was good for them, it would be good for them, but as long as they don’t know it’s good for them, it will be bad for them. That’s the whole idea, the whole of it… They’ll find out that they’re good and they’ll all become good, every one of them.”

In other words, reality is what Kirillov makes of it in his own mind, which is what BSD!Dostoyevsky hints his ability is (but it isn’t).

It’s still a belief BSD!Dostoyevsky holds: that his beliefs create reality.

Kirillov muses, in conversation with his friend Stavrogin (bold is Kirillov):

“He who teaches that all are good will end the world.”

“He who taught it was crucified.”

“He will come, and his name will be the man-god.”

“The god-man?”

“The man-god. That’s the difference.”

In BSD, anything written in The Book becomes truth, and Dostoyevsky plans to use it to rid the world of the sins of ability-users. Similarly, Kirillov plans to use his decision to set people free, and Pyotr plans to use Kirillov’s mental instability and philosophical suicide to erase consequences for his own sins. And as Kirillov also believes this will make moments heaven, Dostoyevsky expresses (using religious language) that this will make a heavenly reality as well:

As Demons goes on, we find out that Pyotr Stepanovich had struck a deal with Kirillov. Since Kirillov really tries to believe that everyone and everything is good, when Pyotr asks him to kill himself and write a note specifying something Pyotr won’t specify until the time comes, to help Pyotr, Kirillov agrees. Pyotr notes that he doesn’t tell Kirillov what he plans—to have Kirillov take the blame for the murder of their mutual friend Shatov, which Pyotr commits—because he thinks that if Kirillov knows in advance, “Kirillov could not be relied upon.”

The irony, of course, is that by seeking to prove the ultimate will in the universe is of the individual, that the individual is his/her own god, Kirillov becomes an unwitting tool in Pyotr Stepanovich’s terrible plots. He contributes to the unjust death of someone he cares deeply for by taking the blame. And Kirillov did not want this at all. When Pyotr comes to collect, he realizes what he’s done (bold is Kirillov_:

“He is dead!” cried Kirillov, jumping up from the sofa.

“He died at seven o’clock this evening, or rather, at seven o’clock yesterday evening, and now it’s one o’clock.”

“You have killed him!”

…

“You are a strange man, though, Kirillov; you knew yourself that the stupid fellow was bound to end like this. What was there to foresee in that? I made that as plain as possible over and over again. Shatov was meaning to betray us; I was watching him, and it could not be left like that. And you too had instructions to watch him; you told me so yourself three weeks ago.…”

…

“I won’t write that I killed Shatov … and I won’t write anything now. You won’t have a document!”

Pyotr refuses to leave until Kirillov is dead, and Kirillov explains that “I won’t put it off; I want to kill myself now: all are scoundrels.” The exact opposite of what he expressed before about things being good.

"He’s guessed the truth at last! Can you, Kirillov, with your sense, have failed to see till now that all men are alike, that there are none better or worse, only some are stupider, than others, and that if all are scoundrels (which is nonsense, though) there oughtn’t to be any people that are not?”

And then we see what motivates Kirillov is a desperate need to have a reason to match his desire to live. It’s literally one of the main themes of Bungo Stray Dogs (bold is Kirillov):

“If you stopped yourself, you become God; that’s it, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I become God.”

…

“Let it be comfort. God is necessary and so must exist… But I know He doesn’t and can’t… Surely you must understand that a man with two such ideas can’t go on living?”

And of course, this is BSD!’s Dostoyevsky in what I am betting is a direct quote from Demons as translated into Japanese: If god does not exist, then I am god.

His man-god belief, like Dostoyevsky’s in BSD, are explained thusly (bold is Kirillov):

“I’ve always been surprised at every one’s going on living,” said Kirillov, not hearing his remark.

...

“Hold your tongue; you won’t understand anything. If there is no God, then I am God.”

“There, I could never understand that point of yours: why are you God?”

“If God exists, all is His will and from His will I cannot escape. If not, it’s all my will and I am bound to show self-will.”

“Self-will? But why are you bound?”

“Because all will has become mine. Can it be that no one in the whole planet, after making an end of God and believing in his own will, will dare to express his self-will on the most vital point? It’s like a beggar inheriting a fortune and being afraid of it and not daring to approach the bag of gold, thinking himself too weak to own it. I want to manifest my self-will. I may be the only one, but I’ll do it.”

That’s a direct quote.

BSD!Dostoyevsky manipulates human will to lead people into committing suicide, and is killing them to create a new world without the sins of ability-users:

Kirillov says this right before he finally writes the false confession to Stavrogin’s murder and kills himself:

“Man has done nothing but invent God so as to go on living, and not kill himself; that’s the whole of universal history up till now. I am the first one in the whole history of mankind who would not invent God. Let them know it once for all...

“I am awfully unhappy, for I’m awfully afraid. Terror is the curse of man.… But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don’t believe. I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save. That’s the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can’t get on without his former God, I believe. For three years I’ve been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I’ve found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will! That’s all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom. For it is very terrible. I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom.”

Yet Kirillov is inventing god: himself. He signs the paper and then does kill himself, but it’s not without the last terrible, terrifying realization that he does not want to die. He wants to live. And he fights Pyotr, biting his finger nearly off, before committing suicide. But Kirillov, as wrong and tragic as his philosophy is, is the one who recognizes the theme of Demons.

“Stavrogin, too, is consumed by an idea,” Kirillov said gloomily, pacing up and down the room.

The point of the entire tragedy in Demons is basically if you are consumed by an idea, it will turn you into a devil. Kirillov is, along with Shatov, perhaps the most likeable main character in Demons (others are far more horrifying as their various political, religious, and philosophical ideas take them over). And so is Dostoyevsky in BSD: consumed by his ideas, convinced his will is all that matters.

It won’t end well.

#bsd meta #bsd #bungou stray dogs meta #fyodor dostoyevsky #fyodor dostoyevsky bsd #alexei kirillov #demons #the possessed #the devils #philosophy #bungou stray dogs #osami dazai #suicide tw

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amarabliss · 5 years

Text

Oaths and Hearts - 15 (Ignis Scientia/Reader)

So this is a crossover between FFXV and Dragon Age Inquisition.

You fell through a rift into the fade fighting the demons you swore to protect your world from. When you popped out you were no longer in the lands of Ferelden instead trapped in Insomnia. The gracious king allowed you to say recognizing power when he saw it. One thing led to another and now you were part of the procession of the prince to his wedding years later. Before the final battle, after years of fighting, losses, and love…your friend…your king…Noctis has asked you to change it all…

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14

“It’s really you.” You reached up, holding Hawke’s face. It felt worn and weathered as if it had been through many storms. Streaks of grey shot through his dark hair and beard that had grown longer.

“I will answer all your questions Inquisitor, but we cannot stay here. He will come back and I doubt the same tricks will work twice.” Hawke squeezed your hands before reaching for his staff and standing.

You stood up looking around seeing the pungent greens and browns of the fade, “…the Fade…”

“Yes…now come.” He held out his hand to you, “You’re not really here…but we have to find the door back to you. I’ll take you someplace safe until we can figure out where that is.”

You nodded taking his warm hand in his and followed behind him in silence. He seemed to know every path, nook, and crack to take them away. Finally, hours later when you could take the silence no more you spoke softly, “I’m so sorry…”

He stopped and looked down into your eyes. He shook his head, “Please tell me you have not held onto my memory as a burden?”

“It was an impossible choice…I would have stayed myself…” You began to tear up and fell silent when his free hand fell to your shoulder firmly.

“It was the right one. Alastair…as strong a man he is…do you really think he could have survived here?” Hawke smiled chuckling, “Sarcasm only does so much here…it had to be a mage, one who’s dealt with the fade before…and it couldn’t have been you, you held the power to close the rifts that plagued our home. It had to be me.”

“You can’t possibly be alright with it…” You asked as he turned continuing down a narrow path, “Hawke…”

“I admit…there was a time I was angry…” He nodded a little, “I gave up so much to keep you safe…My home, my life…Fenris…”

He looked at you again sighing, “Then I remember…if you hadn’t gone, I would have likely never made it back to Fenris anyways. Orlais is quite far from the Free Marches. I’m sure the world would have crumbled before I stepped foot in Ferelden. At least this way, I know he’s safe and alive.”

“…Varric…he wrote a letter…” You hung your head a little, “He wrote two actually…one to Carver and Fenris…Carver apparently responded, but Fenris…I never heard if he replied.”

“I doubt he would respond.” He kept walking as he reached back undoing a bag on his back as he stepped inside a cave of some sort. You looked around seeing how it was set up like a small home. Books lined a shelf, a fire was in the center a cauldron over it bubbling with something, nearby a cot and stool rested comfortably against the wall, “It’s not how Fenris would react. I’m sure he went out and found some of the Tevinter slavers to work out his grief.”

You watched him laugh a little setting down the bag pulling out what looked to be cheese and bread, “Hawke it’s been almost a decade…how have you survived?”

“Well…for a while it waves of demons…soon they backed off realizing I wasn’t just some helpless sleeping mage…” He looked over to you gesturing to the stool before he began slicing the bread and cheese, “I looked for a way out. There was a way in, so logically there’s a way out, haven’t been successful yet.”

“Then there are the spirits.” He looked at you, “Not always helpful, but not malicious like demons. I began visiting with them more and more. They helped me not feel alone, but it’s not the same as your own loved ones. After that it was just adapting…you begin to see things from different angles and perspectives. It’s that or you die.”

“And you were never one to quit.” You smiled a little.

“Well you’re here now, so things must be looking up.” He smirked a little bit before it faded seeing you look away quickly, “…or not…”

“I need to tell you what happened…” You met his gaze finally as he sat across from you, “Starting with…I haven’t been home in a long time…”

“Ignis! Just wait a second!” Gladio shouted at him as he rushed down the hill of debris after his friend, “You can’t just run off!”

Ignis looked around the area as the trio ran up behind him, “Look for something out of place…almost like you’re seeing double or feeling déjà vu.”

“Iggy, are you sure…” Noctis began to speak.

“Noct…” Ignis turned to him seeing his blue eyes widen as he spoke with firm authority, “I would go to the ends of the earth to protect and serve you. But for Y/N…please understand that I would traverse further into any unknown…and then one step more.”

Noct took in a deep breath nodding slowly, “I understand.”

“I don’t!” Prompto looked at them all as surprised filled all their eyes, “I mean I get we need to help Y/N, I do…she’s one of us! But I don’t understand why you think you have to go alone. We need to stick together. We’re stronger together.”

Ignis looked at the young Crownsguard before he spoke, “Prompto, you still have a lot to learn, but your loyalty is commendable. I will not be here…I will need you to make sure our king is safe and well cared for. My responsibilities will be split between you and Gladio.”

“But…wouldn’t it be faster…” He frowned hanging his head as he clenched his fist tightly, “We’ve just lost so much already…”

Gladio stepped close to him put his arm around Prompto’s shoulders, “Don’t let Iggy’s lanky appearance fool you, he’s capable of doing everything we can do together all by himself. He did all the training we did and more…one day he’s going to be General to the King, Noct’s right hand.”

“Damn straight.” Noct slapped a hand on Ignis’ back looking at him with pride, “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Okay…” Prompto looked at Ignis with worried eyes, “But you have to come back, you have to promise. Come back with Y/N.”

“That I can do.” Ignis offered his hand to Prompto who took it tightly, “Now…help me find the way.”

They began scouring the area looking for any abnormality. Ignis had his journal out explaining over and over how you described the doorway to hime. Evening was setting on them as he scanned the area for the thousandth time.

“Hey Iggy?” He looked over to Noct who sat on a broken desk, “I just had a thought…Y/N has been there before…you’d think she’d be able to come back quickly.”

“Yes…what’s your point?” He shut the journal looking at the young king.

“What if it’s hard for her because he body isn’t near the door?” Noct watched Ignis stand straighter as he went on, “Libertus wouldn’t have known any better, he just wanted to get her help, but she told you that people fell into this place by falling asleep. Obviously, she knows that because they woke up.”

“She has always talked about needing anchors to come back…she could have meant herself...” Ignis took off his glasses wiping a hand over his face as he looked toward the setting sun.

That’s when he saw it. Almost indistinguishable from the sun’s glare. A soft shimmer, he took a step forward, “Noct you should follow that lead.”

“I can give Cor a call now.” Noct stood up watching Ignis carefully, “Maybe we can set up a tent nearby, once we find the way.”

“You won’t need to look much further.” Ignis told him as he kept stepping forward toward the shimmer. He could hear soft voices calling toward him. Voices he’d almost forgotten, it had been so long, “Mother?”

He blinked once and as a bright light blinded him momentarily. When he opened them again his eyes adjusted slowly seeing his old home. He stood there confused trying to get his balance back. He jumped as a warm voice washed from behind him, “Ignis, we’re going to be late.”

He turned seeing his mother smiling at him his father helped her with her jacket, “Mother?”

She tilted her head a little as she stepped toward him, “Darling is something wrong?”

He leaned into her touch as she cupped his cheek. He felt himself tearing up as your voice came to him, “The Fade gives you everything you ever wanted as it sucks the very life out of you.”

“Ignis?” His father stepped up behind his mother.

Swallowing down the painful knot in his throat he took a step away from them, “I-I know you’re not real.”

“…wha…” His mother looked to his father, “Roderick…”

“We knew this might happen, Eleanor.” Roderick put his arm around her shoulder before looking at Ignis, “Son, do you remember the accident?”

Ignis shook his head, “There was no accident…I came here to look for someone…”

He stepped around them to head for the door. His mother reached out grabbing his arm with both hands, “Ignis please…you need help…”

She felt so real to him as she tried to pull him back, “You’re not real…”

“Baby please…I’m your mother…” Tears welled up in her eyes. His eyes…he had his mother’s eyes. He had almost forgotten, “You were in an accident…it confused you.”

He pulled his arm from her with difficulty only of his have his father step in his way, “Ignis, be logical…”

“Though it pains me…I am.” He looked at his father balling his fist, “You are just…just a dream.”

“…” His father stared at him for a long time before bits and pieces of the room behind him began to fade away, “You’re not going anywhere…”

“I will find Y/N,” Ignis’ eyes narrowed on Roderick, “and I will leave with her.”

The image of his father began to shift and distort into a disgusting creature with insect like arms protruding from his back as his legs hovered over the ground. The rags it wore shifted around its skeletal frame as it clicked and hissed, “Humanssss…ck…fragile thingsss their mindsss…fear would be more appropriate it me thinkssss…”

“He has heart, but he’s too keen…” He looked back to where his mother once stood seeing a naked woman with purple skin and horns. She smirked tilting her head letting the purple flame that was in place of hair trail through the air as her tail flicked like a cat ready to pounce, “we’ll try it your way next.”

Rain began to fall thickly against his face as everything darkened around him. The two hideous creatures, who he determined were demons, disappeared from view. He spun around as the rain only got worse.

He could feel his heart beating loudly in his ears. He could hear your other reminder to him. This place could show your deepest desire, your deepest fear, and everything in between. Right now, he was inside a night that he ran from for years.

He looked around trying to steady his breathing as the road became clear under his feet. The rain was bouncing of the pavement. Each drop raising the water.

He turned again seeing the lights coming towards him. Quickly, he jumped off the road in time to see Roderick glance out the window toward him. Ignis felt a sick cold weight drop into his stomach as the car rode off down the road into the darkness.

The sound of screeching tires and crunching metal echoed in the space. He felt himself tense and clench his fist tightly as he shook his head, “It’s not real…”

He turned to walk away only to find himself once again on the road. He shook his head spinning around in the rain. Again the headlights in the distance came towards him. He stepped out of the way this time seeing his mother in the passenger seat.

He felt himself involuntarily reach for her. The same noises as before echoed around him. He put his hands to his head shaking it, “It’s not real…it’s not them…”

You watched Hawke putting things in a bag. Provisions, blankets, water… He had taken your story very well and had only asked to clarify a few things. The main one focusing on your child.

Your form here in the Fade wasn’t one that showed how far along you were. In fact, the more you were talking with him you found your clothes seemed to change into what you would wear around Skyhold. You asked him about it, he only smiled pointing out that I was the dreaming.

“We should head out. I don’t know how this would affect your unborn son.” Hawke threw the pack on before moving to his staff, “There’s a reason why mages in the circle terminate anything that resulted after fraternizations.”

“I’m aware…” You shook your head standing to your feet, “It wasn’t like I planned it…”

“No…but you of all people knew how to be careful. Especially you…” Hawke spoke quietly, “I never apologized by the way…”

“You needn’t…Cullen and I weren’t exactly being discreet that day.” You reflected to the moment he referred to.

“What is it all for then?!” Cullen shouted at you across the room, “What is all of this fighting for if not to have a family and preserve the future?”

“It’s different…when you’re a mage.” You crossed your arms trying to remain calm, “You wouldn’t understand…”

“Then help me to…” He stepped over to you putting his hands on your arms, “My darling, please…I love you…I want…I want to have a family with you.”

You looked into his eyes feeling tears come to your eyes, “It’s not possible…”

“What do you mean?” His brow crinkled in that particular way that always made you worry about him. You hated that you were the cause of it, “Y/N, what do you mean?”

“Cullen…” You sniffed looking away, “I…I won’t allow it.”

You watched as his face went blank as he took a step back, “You won’t allow it…”

“Cullen, you know what it’s like for a mage…you-you witnessed two circles and all of their cruelty.” You watched him turn away from you, “You can’t expect me want that for a child! Andraste’s grace, I was fourteen and privileged because of my nobility and I was still…”

You stopped letting your arms fall shaking your head, “I don’t need to defend my decision to you.”

“No?” He turned to you anger clear on his face, “Did you ever consider what I wanted? Ever?”

“Cullen…” You sighed shutting your eyes.

“I want children!” His voice raised as he stepped toward you, “I want to be a father so I can change the world and teach my children that magic is not to be feared if you’re willing to understand! So that what you went through at Ostwick will never happen to another mage!”

“I don’t!” You shouted back at him, “It’s not my responsibility to change the world! I’ve done enough as it is, and I will see it through, but I don’t want more!”

The creak of the door made you both look over and Hawke stared at the both of you for a long time. He apologized asking to speak with the Inquisitor. You kept seeing Cullen for a long while after that…but you knew that had been the end of the relationship.

“This Ignis…he must be something special for you to lose yourself.” Hawke smirked a little walking next to you down the path.

You looked at him and smiled, “He is, he really is. He’s understanding…strategic…and kind, so kind.”

“You, my friend, have a type.” Hawke nudged you, “Strong strategic blonde gentleman, no doubt easy on the eyes, and a smile that dazzles for days, right?”

“When he does smile, yes. And I never said he was blonde…” He laughed telling you he assumed simply because you had good taste as you chuckled a little before sighing. You missed Ignis so much, you could swear you heard him calling your name.

Hawke grabbed you by the arm taking you from your thoughts. He gently pulled you off the side pressing himself against the wall, “There’s a nightmare over there.”

“A nightmare demon?” You felt yourself grow cold, “Hawke…”

“No…just a nightmare…probably a lost soul trapped in memory…or a fabrication…” He pointed out the dark area, “It’s in the way…I’m certain your way out is on the other side of it.”

“We should help them.” You told him trying to peer over.

“Are you mad?” Hawke looked at you with furrowed brow, “Stepping into someone’s nightmare…it could shatter you. Make you forget who you are.”

“But that person is in danger!” You pointed over his shoulder, “If we can help-”

“There’s no time…I can’t focus on saving you if we’re saving them!” He snapped at you taking your arms in his hands, “You have to think of your unborn son.”

You stared into his eyes for a long time before you nodded. You hated that people kept using Ulric against you. You knew your condition…you knew your limits…and yet you always fell in line, “Fine…then what do we do?”

Hawke looked back at that black mass for a moment, “We go around and play it safe. You have to do exactly what I tell you. It’s going to bring us close to where I found you before…do you understand?”

“I do.” You nodded slowly before taking in a deep breath, “What about Ardyn?”

“One problem at a time.” Hawke sighed adjusting the pack on his shoulder, “If we’re lucky we don’t have to worry about him.”

“When have we ever been lucky?” You hissed at him as he started down the path again.

He didn’t answer you as you both moved down the path. Tension only seemed to rise with each passing hour. Your nerves felt on fire as you looked around the open area. Nothing seemed amiss as you moved a good distance away from the nightmare, but you knew better then to just relax.

…Y/N…

You stopped whipping around looking around the area as your heart thumped in your ears. You could hear Hawke behind you, “We need to keep moving…”

“Sh!” You held up your hand to get him to stay silent.

…Y/N!...

You took a step toward the nightmare swirling like a hurricane, “Did you hear that?”

“…yes…” Hawke stepped toward you, “It’s not him…it can’t be.”

You heard your name again calling out the distance, “Ignis…”

“Y/N, be reasonable. Logically think it out…” Hawke grabbed your arm, “What are the chances…”

“You don’t know him.” You looked at Hawke shaking your head, “Ignis would find a way…”

“Stop…” Hawke grabbed your arm, “We are so close to getting you home and the more we linger here, the more likely your other friend will show back up.”

Again you heard your name, it sounded like it was in so much pain, but you had to be sure, “I’m sorry Hawke…”

He called after you as you ripped your arm running full speed toward the swirling darkness. As soon as you entered the void you were jettisoned back in a memory from long ago. You shivered instantly drawing your arms close and across your chest.

You struggled walking forward through the thick snow as the blizzard only seemed to ramp up. You back in the ruins of Haven after meeting Corypheus for the first time.

You jaw chattered as the cold sunk deep into your bones, “No…nono…Ignis!”

You stopped looking around at the wind blew your hair around wildly. You didn’t hear a response…feeling dread sink into your gut you began to doubt your decision.

“Y/N!” Your spun looking in the dark toward the voice.

“Ignis!” You shouted again running, falling toward the voice, “Ignis!”

Snow mixed with rain. Terrain shifted under your feet as the nightmares began to overlap with one another. You could just make out a silhouette in the distance. You forced your self to move faster as his form became clearer with every step.

You rushed into his arms the nightmare ripple out away from the both of you. Rain and snow stopped in place swirling around as if a protective shield enclosed the both of you. He pulled away brushing your hair from your face before resting his forehead against yours.

“How…” You stared into his eyes as tears dripped down your face, “How…”

“You give very good instructions on what to look for.” He brushed them away with his thumbs, “I couldn’t let you stay here.”

“Ignis…” You shook your head until he took your face in his hand kissing you. He was here, he was really here.

“How…I’ve been here so long…how did you two…” Ignis moved in front of you instinctively when Hawke came upon the two of you as the void began to fade away from the area, “You should both be…not sane…”

“It’s okay, Ignis.” You put your hand on his arm looking at Hawke, “This is my friend…he’s gonna help us go home.”

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musicreviewbfox · 4 years

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Chromatica

The Album Chromatica is Lady Gaga’s newest album. It’s a new album not only in the sense that it marks her return to being an Enigma to the general public again. But this album also uncovers how the artist behind Lady Gaga has been feeling and hopes to reach out to people. She hopes to reach out to her fans. The album its self is almost a love letter to not only Stefani the woman behind the mask of Lady Gaga. But Chromatica is an album to let others join in on her own self-love affair. Chromatica has three string arrangments that are key to dividing up the album from Resentment and depression to Entrapment and PTSD and lastly ends in a blanket of upbeat pop rhythms where Stefani assures herself that she is making an everlasting impression on not only her fans but the music industry itself.

I didn't ask for a free ride

I only asked you to show me a real good time

I never asked for the rainfall

At least I showed up, you showed me nothing at all

The beginning lyrics of Rain on Me by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande form a beautiful entry to the depressive side of Chromatica after Lady Gaga drops us into Chromatica with Alice and ensuring that Chromatica runs on everlasting Stupid Love. Rain on Me is different from its predecessor in which Stefani admits that the love-filled joy trip she had has finally come to halt and she is left yet again broken-hearted. She dissects the struggle she now faces being alone and admitted by herself in interviews “A fountain of misery for tears to pour out of”(Spotify). This everlasting presence continues with the lyrics.

It's coming down on me

Water like misery

It's coming down on me

I'm ready, rain on me

We are reminded that this is the mesmeric miserable state that Gaga and Ariana are in with the lyrics but the beat in the background of Rain on me is a heavy bass and beat to carry the singers on and be able to channel that miserable energy into fighting dance styles as displayed in the music video that they both appear in. Gaga leading the front of the pink tribe and Ariana with the purple tribe. Both singers are seen in Mad Max outfits which is the setting of Chromatica. A dystopian world where all ideas are challenged and the only way to survive is to dance away the pain or love you feel. Which carries us to Ariana’s lyrics

Living in a world where no one's innocent

Oh, but at least we try

Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in

So I don't lose my mind

Baby, yeah

I can feel it on my skin

It's coming down on me

Teardrops on my face

Water like misery

Let it wash away my sins

It's coming down on me

Let it wash away

Ariana comes in with massive vocals and is able to quickly catch up to Lady Gaga in terms of performance. In an hour-long interview with Zane Lowe this was one of the hardest parts of the song for both Ariana and Gaga. Ariana reportedly felt overwhelmed and felt like she couldn’t keep with Gaga until Lady Gaga pulled her out of the booth, determined Gaga said “you are gonna sing as you’ve never done before, while I dance in the corner”. That’s exactly what happened and Ariana outdid herself with many fans and critics saying that the high notes Ariana not only hit while in the studio were astounding but the high notes she hit on the VMA’s matched up to why the duo worked so well together on this record. This now brings us to some closing lyrics

I'd rather be dry, but at least I'm alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

I'd rather be dry, but at least I'm alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain on me

I hear the thunder coming down, won't you rain on me?

Rain on me

I hear the thunder coming down, won't you rain on me?

Rain on me

The final lyrics of Rain On Me show how Ariana and Gaga are prepared for any more trials to come in the future. The duo is prepared for whatever comes their way and are ready for the misery that the tears of regret and broken love may give them. Love being a recurring theme is Chromatica so far in the first section means that it won’t be overplayed and overdone as you the reader will see which is really one of my only criticisms of this album.

The next song that we’ll cover on the Chromatica album is Replay. The song Replay has a lot to do with much of Lady Gaga’s PTSD and Trauma responses to the violent attacks she suffered at 17 and 19. The middle of Lady Gaga’s album is much more of her pained past and how she chooses to come through the other end is with music. Lady Gaga heals as reported is through music. Lady Gaga reported in a Spotify/genius interview. “I refused to not allow this song to be on the album. Sure, I’m the “boss. But really chromatica cannot exist without an abstract explanation of what it’s like to be triggered if you have PTSD.”. So with the explanation of the reason why the track exists at all, it’s now to dive into the lyrics of Replay.

Am I still alive?

Where am I, I cry

Who was it that pulled the trigger, was it you or I?

I'm completely numb

Why you acting dumb

I won't blame myself 'cause we both know you were the one

In the beginning Lady Gaga questions if she is still alive much like how she reports in her song 911 at the beginning of the second act of Chromatica is if she is still sane and can’t escape the voices in her head during a manic episode. She again feels trapped but an outer source forcing her to relive a traumatic experience that she feels undeserving of. The questions of why does my existence amount to this, why was I the chosen out of so many people, why can’t I escape this anguish and misery. Gaga takes all of these questions and puts them as a side focus to have the answer put in front of people. Lady Gaga believes she isn’t a savior but rather looking to take the pain she’s delt and expresses it through music cause in the same interview Gaga says “ And the very thing that plagued my mind for years, trauma, is precisely the thing that now powers my lifeforce to be braver. I.e. this voice I hear- continue to make music although your brain feels it’s breaking sometimes.”. This brings us to the next set of lyrics

Every single day, yeah I dig a grave

Then I sit inside it, wondering if I'll behave

It's a game I play, and I hate to say

You're the worst thing and the best thing that's happened to me

What Lady Gaga is trying to submit here is with her vocals radiating up and down a registry key is that she is condemning herself for feeling the pain and relieving the trauma she is experience. She continues to feel this pain and she questions is it her or the monsters that have been created in her head that force her to feel this way. She questions if she even cares about the damage being done to her mentally and physically and if she is paying the price for a much higher power for being the way she is.

Psychologically, it's something that I can't explain

Scratch my nails into the dirt to pull me out of pain

Does it matter, does it matter? Damage is done

Does it matter, does it matter? You had the gun

You had the gun

In the last lyrics of Replay, we the audience get a full picture described to us of how Lady Gaga is fighting the monsters in her mind and how she is trying to break free from a fire zone. A red zone in which every step causes pain and misery but Lady Gaga fights this torture by dancing and singing against it. She uses her music to help balance herself once and remind herself that she is ready to keep going and fight these monsters every time they replay.

I need you to listen to me, please believe me

I'm completely lonely, please don't judge me

In the sing 1000 Doves we get a different side of Lady Gaga, the side she’s sheltered and kept away from the world, aside she is ready to nourish and feed love again. That side of Gaga is Stefani. Lady Gaga put an alter ego in the spotlight and hid away Stefani the person and mind behind Gaga away from the world. She kept Stefani away and in this song she tells Lady Gaga she finally gets to meet the person who had the hard path and tough road to ride to fame and fortune. Stefani the woman who stuck around whenever everyone left her. Stefani endured many hard times and never got to fully understand and put into motion how her Trauma and battles against those that deposed her especially at her time in NYU Tisch. The next set of lyrics describe the passion and love that Stefani has for Lady Gaga.

When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall

I need you to listen to me, please don't leave me

I'm not perfect yet but I'll keep trying

When your tears are falling, I'll catch them as they fall

In these sets of lyrics, Stefani is the singer and at the reigns. You can tell that this is Stefani coming through because she is saying she is always ready to catch Gaga’s tears as she falls apart no matter where and or why. Stefani has healed and is always ready for the net challenge. She was born ready for fame because of the humiliation she faced growing up. Misunderstood and abused was Stefani and so she took all the pain and formed an alter ego to protect from the world which is Lady Gaga. which is complex because the song seems like a love ballad to another person she vows to protect but in reality, it is a love letter to Lady Gaga from Stefani and how she is ready to combine to the two and have them heal one another.

I've been hurting, stuck inside a cage

So hot my heart's been in a rage

If you love me, then just set me free

And if you don't, then baby leave

Set me free

In these final lyrics, we get a showcase of what it was like for Stefani to finally meet the creation she helped launch into stardom. A woman she doesn’t know almost because of how long it been since shes played a role in Gaga’s life. Not since the Artpop have the two been in hand deep of creating music as Stefani has had the reigns in the last couple of years with Cheek to Cheek, Joanne, and A Star is Born. But Stefani knows the woman who brought the stardom and first captured the world’s attention which is Lady Gaga. So at the end of this song, the two recollect and remember how hard it was for Lady Gaga and Stefani to receive the credit that they’ve held onto for over a decade now.

A thousand do-o-o-o-o-o-ves

Oh-oh

Flying, flying, flying like a thousand doves

A thousand do-o-o-o-o-o-ves

Flying, flying, flying like a thousand doves

Flying, flying, flying

With these lyrics I abid you a good morning, afternoon, or night on our journey of Chromatica. Overall the main takeaways of Chromatica as an album are that Lady Gaga wrote this album as a self-love note much like in the ways of Ariana Grande did with sweetener, Kesha did with Rainbow, and what many artists do with self-titled albums or more depending on how long they’ve been in the music industry. But the core points to take away from Chromatica is that hardships are expected and what you can expect for Stefani or even Lady gaga to do with those hardships is to write music and dance the pain away. Either is be a traumatizing experience in Replay, a broken heart in Rain on Me, or even a question of self-worth in 1000 Doves. Gaga will and forever make music for those who feel like an underdog and had many crazy experiences.

Links:

https://genius.com/Lady-gaga-1000-doves-lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXBF9t32zA

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/lady-gaga-chromatica-making-of-bloodpop-axwell-1007139/

https://genius.com/Lady-gaga-and-ariana-grande-rain-on-me-lyrics

https://genius.com/Lady-gaga-replay-lyrics

youtube

#Chromatica #Lady Gaga #gaga #PTSD #Romance #album #stefani #ariana grande

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