#can’t just talk about being aro because I also don’t want to fuck

[thefortysecondolive]

hit a rough patch processing my gender in the past few days & have been feeling down about not being able to talk about pretty much any aspect of my identity without tacking on seven disclaimers and a vocab quiz 😮‍💨 wish I could just put the identity crisis on hold until I finish my finals

[waterberry-strawmelon]

just gonna go ahead and say this in advance—

if Riz does indeed come out in junior year, and he says, “I’m ace” or “I’m asexual” when referring specifically to his lack of romantic attraction, aromantic people are allowed to be upset about it.

[cha1cedony]

I think part of the reason Gothcleats has literally like consumed my mind since becoming canon is because I think about the Wilsons in the context of marriage/romantic relationships SO much?? Like. Being aro, I normally don’t like analyzing characters through the lens of romance and how they function with crushes or in relationships… It’s just not that interesting to me, and I don’t like basing a character’s personality or worth on their romantic (or sexual) dynamics with other characters. BUT THE WILSONS? OH BOY.

Ramble under the cut bc this got way too long

ALSO!!! Warning for discussions of sex! Not very in-depth. (It’s mostly just about Grant and Marco hooking up on the Titanic lol)

Anyway!

So so so much of the Wilsons’ identities in canon (and also to an even further extent in my fics/headcanons/mind hehe) are based on their marriages and immediate nuclear families. For Darryl, his entire life WAS his family. As far as we know, the same was the case for Frank, and even Robert Wilson was pretty much always talking about his gal Sal iirc. Like obviously bc this podcast is about family, BUT as your resident Wilsons expert (lmao), I want to put forth that the Wilsons in particular are about marriage!

I think the best example of this, actually, is in S2 when (on the night before Grant’s WEDDING), Darryl is talking to Grant about marriage and says that he and Grant both know that Carol and Marco respectively are too good for them. Which like. is also one of the most loaded and important statements to me in this whole goddamned podcast (and probably THE most important for the Wilsons) for many reasons. but I digress lolol

For Darryl and Grant both, there’s a perceived power imbalance in their marriages: not in an abusive way or anything, but rather as like… a measure of self-worth? For better or worse, their self-esteem and sense of self-worth are dependent on the people close to them, especially their romantic partners.

Darryl is constantly comparing himself to his father (as is Grant), but not just as a father—as a husband, too. Darryl tells Frank that he wishes he had the kind of relationship with Carol that Frank had with Darryl’s mom (which is. doubly ironic and sad bc Darryl’s mom was cheating on Frank, and he almost cheated on her, too. but I digress again oops)

But he compares himself to Carol, too, thinking she’s smarter and ‘better’ than him, and Grant especially compares himself a LOT to Marco, saying that Lincoln would be better off with Marco as a single dad and that Marco is ‘better’ than him in general. I find this extra interesting bc Frank does NOT do the same with Darryl’s mom; in fact, he (albeit light-heartedly) says she’s worse than him for having cheated—I don’t have transcripts in front of me, but something along the lines of “If you think that’s bad…”

And that’s why I think the best (and honestly only) way to really examine the Wilsons as characters/people is through the lens of their marriages.

So much of Darryl’s character especially is based solely on Carol. He’s been with her since she was 13-14 and he was 14-15, and so much of his personality and life is entirely formed around her. She’s his best friend. When he gets the idea that she might be cheating on him, or dead (as a mummy), he loses himself because, like. What else is he if not Carol’s best friend, her husband, the father of her son? Almost any time Darryl has any character development (that isn’t related to his dad or son), it’s about his romantic and sexual relationships and feelings: with Carol, with Sweet Matilda, with the fucking sex pit! Lmao

And he and Carol NOT divorcing after S1 is honestly the only thing that makes sense to me; what else would he do? Even if they never manage to fix it all, what else does he have? (The answer is all of his family and newfound friends, but he can’t see it that way; his self-worth centers around HER, remember; she’s BETTER than him.) So they stay together, and he dies believing she still loves him and will be happy to be unchangingly domestic him with him all over again in heaven, whether it’s true or not. Until then, he lives with a facade of her and their son (btw the fake personal heaven Grant is a kid, so Darryl is presumably reliving his life before the events of S1 without changing anything which… is sad for a whole other set of reasons) because Darryl can’t be alone; what is he alone? ALSO. Okay actually no. I won’t get on my aromantic Darryl soapbox right now, but….. expect it at a later date lol. This part got kinda rambly/headcanon-y oops.

A lot of Grant’s character is ABOUT his romantic feelings/relationships; he’s pretty much inextricable from them. His crush on Yeet was originally his whole character (aside from aloof gamer kid lol): Shy, easily embarrassed, extremely obvious about his crush, trying to impress this cute and cool guy. And then, by the time of the Supper Bowl arc, after the chimera and everything else, he becomes more complex, of course, but those feelings are still at the center of everything—because they’re his escape.

He tells Yeet the TWO things that make him feel alive are violence (whether done TO him or BY him) and his crush on Yeet. Grant’s romantic feelings become linked and equated with violence and rage (which. makes me feel crazy btw but anyway. Sorry I love Grant beyond words) and are the only temporary cures for his dissociation.

So when Grant is an adult, of course he relies on romance and sex like a crutch; it makes him feel safe and real, and it’s an intersection of love and violence that makes him feel at peace.

I know it’s a funny moment, but this always makes me think of him and Marco hooking up on the Titanic: Grant believes wholeheartedly that they are both going to die and that there’s nothing he can do about it (or maybe he just doesn’t even want to try to save them). When Marco finds out what’s happening and sort of scolds Grant for it, Grant is embarrassed and says it’s because he’s just “having so many feelings” (probably not exact words), which is also interesting because that’s pretty much the opposite of his original problem of dissociating.

But, between being overwhelmed and dissociative, at its core, the same root feeling is there: hopelessness and helplessness. Also, in his second conversation with Lincoln is S2, Grant says that violence and killing help with his self-worth, also (which ties back to what I said earlier about the connection between the Wilsons’ self-worth and their marriages). When Grant kills someone, all of his doubts disappear and “it all goes white.” If we’re looking at this through the lens that Grant equates violence and love/sex, it must give him that same feeling of… blissful ignorance? Emptiness.

This leads me to believe Grant copes with feelings of hopelessness and self-doubt not just through killing, but through romance and sex, too—like we see on the Titanic (lol)

There’s a lot more speculation I could do about both Darryl and Grant (and Frank, and even all their spouses), but I’m trying to leave it to at least canon-adjacent stuff. Anyway, let me finally circle this all back around to Lincoln lol…

It’s clear that Lincoln thinks romantic relationships are very important. He thinks marriage is beautiful (and, based on his dads’ marriage, that all marriages are good and happy lol—which is especially funny/interesting to me when you consider the several times it’s been said that something Lincoln did/does is the only thing holding their marriage together, and he’s the whole reason Grant didn’t call off the wedding in the first place). His dads have spent a lot of time educating him about love and sex and personal choice in both of those categories, which he references a few times, but, despite their emphasis on personal choice and not raising him Catholic but encouraging him to believe whatever he wants, Lincoln, at 16, is SURE that he will get married someday (and probably young, since he said to Normal that a few years is a long time to wait lol). The Wilsons’ generational insistence on marriage, romantic relationships, and nuclear families persists regardless of Catholicism, it seems :’)

Lincoln’s marriage to Chris in the simulation was also clearly really important to him—and to Chris, too, since they asked him never to remarry. I know the cast joked about this, but it does make me a little sad that Lincoln’s relationship with Chris seemed to be a lot like Darryl’s with Carol! Granted, we only know a like two things about Chris lol… also, I LIKE Chris and Carol! A lot! No hate to either of them <3 but also, that doesn’t mean those relationships aren’t strained, you know?

Anyway! A lot of Lincoln’s character can of course be attributed to his dads’ marriage, like I said before, but his marriage in the simulation was pretty big, too. Although he doesn’t talk about it a lot, it must have matured him, at least on the inside. He later references the job he had in the simulation, as well as being a dad. When he marries the other teens in space, he still thinks of Chris and what they would think. Once again, like Darryl and Grant, a lot of Lincoln’s decisions and beliefs are tied to his spouse—even if they’re not there or were never even real to begin with. Even once he’s married to the other teens, he takes it VERY seriously with pet names and domesticities.

All of this to say, it makes me wonder about his marriage to Scary in relation to his characterization as an adult! I’m not speculating that their relationship is bad or anything; I don’t want it to be and in fact VERY MUCH hope they’ve broken cycles. I just wonder how it affects him as a character (and Scary, too, of course)!

I was really excited when Gothcleats became canon not just because I shipped them, but mostly because I think the Wilsons are most interesting when looked at through their marriages. Lincoln has always put a really strong emphasis on marriage, and all of his pet names and PDA with Scary in the S2 epilogue confirmed to me that they take after the previous Wilson generations in GOOD ways, which makes me really happy.

I guess the main question I’m getting at is about how Lincoln perceives himself in this relationship. In the years soon after the end of S2, does he still feel that same emptiness and feeling of “not caring”? Does he try to cure it in the same way as his father, making “it all go white” with violence or sex or getting someone else to hold him together, or his grandfather, suppressing his depression and trying to will it away with love and close/‘happy’ romantic relationships? Does he find any of those things in Scary? Does he see himself as her equal, or does he feel inferior, like she’s smarter or more capable or ‘better’ than him? He did say multiple times in S2 that she’s the leader, she’s the one who knows what she’s doing, and he just wants to follow along because he doesn’t care anymore.

I hope not. I hope Lincoln and Scary are really happy together. I hope their self-worth is not determined by their partner. I guess that’s all this ramble is :’)

OKAY WHEW. I’m done. That was fun :D

Thanks for subjecting yourself to my ramblings omfg… please send me all of your Wilsons thoughts always. I’ve been wanting to write a long thing about this FOREVER… The aro Darryl fic(s) will come eventually. Also one about Grant coping (badly lol) with sex, which has been in the works forever bc I am bad at NSFW. But it’s fun. Uhhh I guess that’s all?

OH ALSO. If you want to read more of my post-canon Gothcleats thoughts, I published a 15k fic the other day about Jerry being their foster kid! Here you go :3

Hit the Ground Running - chalcedony

(It’s very fluffy and sweet—which is rare for me, but I promise I’m not lying! It’s silly and fun. And I do not speculate too much about Lincoln’s inner turmoil, I pinky promise)

If you read this all. Um…. Sorry? LMAO. Here is a gold star for you ⭐️

[olderthannetfic]

The aroace anon makes me sad and shows how fucked up the whole discourse around ace and aro spectrum identities has become. The whole concept of asexuality was originally created for people like anon: a lack of sexual desire/attraction and affirming that this is a thing that can exist without being a trauma symptom and does not mean you can’t live a full, happy life. I’m not saying it was wrong to point out that some ace people have and enjoy sex; that’s obviously true. But people have apparently hammered it in so hard that some circles think that it’s strange for ace people NOT to want sex, and now the kind of people *the term was made for* are made to feel ashamed. And what’s especially telling and disturbing to me is the people in the replies saying they must be sex-repulsed. Anon is not saying anything to indicate repulsion; they’re just not interested in sex. People seem to have forgotten what “repulsion” actually means, but saying that someone who just doesn’t experience sexual attraction is “sex repulsed” is like saying that someone who is only sexually attracted to one gender is “repulsed” by other ones. Are straight women “women-repulsed?” And what’s most fucked up about this is genuine sexual *repulsion* is usually a sign of trauma and is the thing that is supposed to be dealt with in therapy THAT THE ORIGINAL ASEXUAL ACTIVISTS WERE SAYING THEY DID NOT HAVE. We have come full circle, where the concept is now used to advocate the opposite thing it was created for. What used to be about how someone like anon is normal and what they feel is fine and not because of trauma is now used to say “no there’s still something wrong with you if you don’t want sex, and that’s definitely due to trauma.” What the fuck people… but while I think a lot of it is just broader misconceptions about ace people including ace people themselves who internalize this, I do think part of the issue is there are clearly a lot of people online who identify as ace who are likely not actually, who clearly have pretty typical allosexual levels of attraction/desire but aren’t aware of that, because they’re overthinking stuff or they *think* about that attraction a little differently from others (as an autistic person myself I feel like this is especially common for those of us on the spectrum) or just are inexperienced. And nothing wrong with taking time to figure shit out, but it’s a problem when that perspective shuts out people like anon from the movement built for them. Like even just talking about “gatekeeping” is weird, because people like anon have been usually the ones deep inside the gates! And now people on the outside are pulling them out as they elbow their way in

--

Anon sounds like such a classic version of aroace. Not that other people can't also have that identity, but of all the people to try to gatekeep out of it... Sheesh!

[physalian]

Pretty sure I’m a baby aro, running out of excuses to deny it anymore. Now I didn’t go through any internalized homophobia that you might have if you realize you’re gay or a lesbian, I knew if I came out to my parents they’d be fine (I just don’t want the attention and the questions). Aceness came easy to me, can’t think of any one epiphany moment or if it happened, it wasn’t a monumental one. Just, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Aromaticism(?), though, that one’s harder to accept. I know I’m not the only one going/gone through this. It’s just a very lonely state of being, in a society where there are very thick bold lines between what you’re allowed to do with friends before it gets “weird” and messy (and why I fight so hard to write and love characters who ignore those lines but still stay just friends).

I haven’t been anyone’s priority one probably since I stopped being an only child when I was five. I don’t want romance, necessarily, but the only way you get to be the most important person in someone’s life is if you’re their lover.

I don’t need all the accoutrements of romance. But to have somebody who actually wants to do stuff together instead of making up excuses would be nice. Somebody who’s as invested in however we define our relationship as I am. Someone who texts first as often as I do. Someone with whom I never have to think “they’re just putting up with me”. Somebody who notices the little things, as I do for them. They don’t even have to be physically around all the time (in fact I prefer them not to be, I need my space).

It probably doesn’t help that my short list of friends has people only there because officially ending it would be too much work. The kind of people who won’t talk to me at all for months unless I reach out first. (When you work from home and everybody your age that you attempt to make friends with are either immature, or into things you hate like drinking, drugs, and clubs, making friends as an adult sucks.)

I’ve been in relationships out of guilt and expectations, short and miserable, but my second-to-last one, with a love-bomber who wouldn’t take no for an answer all the way to the bedroom… I didn’t like them, but I liked the attention. Got the fuck out of there right quick once I realized all I wanted was attention and not *their* attention.

But being aroace, when you don’t have anyone else to give you attention, is not a fun place to be. I don’t generally sit around whining about loneliness, but it hits every now and then. I can daydream about romance with the best of them (and I think I can write it well enough), but the person I’m imagining never has a face, or much of a body, they’re just a blob. And then reality hits and it’s like “oh this is the cost of romance? This is exhausting. You’re exhausting. I’m sick of being the one who has her shit together out of the two of us. Goodbye.”

I guess when you grow up surrounded by stellar examples of failed marriages and relationships and whiny pre-teens (and grown-ass adults, let’s be real) losing their shit over so-and-so not liking their Insta pic, romance sounds tedious as fuck.

Like, I can't not picture any would-be lover as a deadbeat with horrible parents I'd have to tolerate and some complex they think I can romance away and some hobby I can't stand. It's all I see in the people around me, "ugh I hate them, but I can't not love them". All I see is people I care about getting with the same shitty type of person because they're also lonely, but unlike me, they crave romance and sex and put up with shit so they can have those things. I'd have to put up with sex and romance for attention, and I'm not doing that.

My imaginary blob person doesn’t have a face, but the “sexiest” trait I can think of is just. Competence. Which is depressingly hard to find in other people my age.

Get me a somebody who does the dishes without being asked and who has savings and a career, not just a job, and knows how to do their taxes and can set up the WiFi without throwing a tantrum and is actually working toward their dreams and aspirations and can have adult conversations and doesn’t play stupid mind games and maybe we’ll strike the “aro” out of aroace.

Until then, hello everybody I’m new. Where do I put my stuff?

[m1ss-n0mer]

VENT

My mother is so annoying about gender/sexuality. She says she’s supportive and she’s probably trying to be but she’s just not good at it.

I go by he or it. My mother knows this. Usually she refers to me using she/her but she remembers she shouldn’t if we happen to be talking about gender. In those cases she uses they/them even though I have repeatedly told her those aren’t my fucking pronouns.

Also once I made a joke about maybe getting top surgery when I’m older and she was so horrified all she talked about for the next few months was how bad an idea transition, and she still does sometimes even though it’s died down. Her reasons being:

Testosterone causes people to be more reckless and aggressive. After you take it you dream less, you get fat, you grow more body hair, you become less desirable, and you can’t get pregnant if you want to.

You pay so much money for it, and it’s all just plastic surgery companies saying that everything will be better if you do it

She says those who are happy with the results are only happy because of the sunken cost fallacy

She ‘has a friend’ who works with trans ppl and says that all trans men only want it to pass and they usually aren’t happy with the results

She ‘has a friend’ who works for cps and has met trans kids who ‘just seem to think everything will get better when they transition’

Women who lost their breasts because of cancer really miss them and it’s a tragedy

I should keep looking like a conventionally attractive girl so that I can get better jobs

She joined a fb page of trans men and described them all as ‘fat, ugly, hairy, boring looking, etc’ and said how they looked prettier before they transitioned. I looked at some of the pictures. They looked fine and even if they didn’t, they looked visibly happier

‘Your brain isn’t fully mature until 25 so you should wait until that age to know for sure’

Trans people should learn to be comfortable in their bodies

I’d have to shave more so it wouldn’t be worth it (I also wouldn’t bleed so hard every month that I faint and throw up if it’s too hot but ok)

Top surgery scars are ugly and my future partners will hate me for getting rid of my perfect, gorgeous breasts

Also I casually mentioned I might be on the aro and/or ace spectrum at one point, and she just went on about how relationships ‘don’t necessarily form because of love, but because of circumstance’ and how ‘you won’t be able to find a partner who doesn’t want sex.’

Also I mentioned that one of my friends is asexual and she just straight up said it ‘must be because of trauma.’

Also she seems think the only reason I know my identity so well is because I was ‘given too much time to think about it’

Also ALSO whenever I ask for masc things like buying a binder or wearing a suit to an event rather than a dress, she’s not that receptive. (In the former case I had to remind her several times and in the latter she wanted me to at least wear SOMETHING feminine because I’m genderfluid not a full trans boy, so I ended up wearing sth more femme than I would have liked. Then she suggested we make a more feminine version just in case I feel like a girl that day. THAT IS THE FEMININE VERSION.

And I’d not even mention the bit about having to remind her to buy me a binder but when I expressed a SLIGHT interest in make up, the bought me a massive box to experiment with several days later. Like, she’s clearly desperate to have someone feminine because she finds masculinity unattractive.

[miseryoforpheus]

intro post <3

Hey there!

Im Jamie and my pronouns are They/She/he

Im a neurospicy minor (but I will swear and also am fine being moots with/talking to adults as long as no one is a creep to me it’s all good)

Uhhh welcome to my online diary :|

Happy to make friends if u want - feel free to DM me

online diary blog w lots of Neil Gaiman reblogs bc he’s my idol

Fun facts about me:

Umm ok (trying to think of fun facts now)

Im Italian but grew up in England, would love some more Italian moots <3

my favourite authors are Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett (but it’s been like that since before I read good omens lmao) also Rick Riordan and Alice Oseman

certified gravity falls child

if u couldn’t tell by the URL I’m obsessed with Greek and Roman mythology

nostalgic for a time I wasn’t even alive - late 80s and early 90s mainly but also like 70s

nostalgic for a time I WAS alive (barely but it still counts bc I do remember it) - the late 2000s

I did a quiz to see what Beatles band member I’d be and got Paul Mcartney

damn u rlly don’t realise how boring u r till u try and do an about me huh

Music I like:

Hozier, Olivia Rodrigo, Conan Gray, Harry Styles, YUNGBLUD, Beatles, Elton John, Queen, Renée Rapp, TV girl, bears in trees, Ricky Montgomery, NOAHFINNCE, MARINA, Fleetwood Mac

getting into:

Nirvana [used to love them a few years ago but then a mean girl made fun of me for it so I stopped listening to them but I’m starting again]

Dominic Fike Paramore

mother mother

MCR

the neighbourhood

The tags I will use:

Jamie answers asks - u guessed it this is for answering any asks

the most boring soap opera - my life stuff because my life is the most boring soap opera

MOTD - mood of the day which is just a lil thing I do

for the record:

I stand with Palestine 🇵🇸

please click here every day:

also free Ukraine 🇺🇦

aro and ace people are LGBTQ+ and this is an aro and ace and aroace safe blog

in general this is a COMPLETELY safe space

if u want anyone to talk to btw I’m always here to chat, can’t guarantee i’ll be able to help but I am always willing to listen literally any time we don’t even have to be moots or anything just DM me ok? Ily all take care of yourselves ok loves? <3

Also one last thing just for ppl that know me, I have no problem with u following this blog or anything but be warned that I’m not gonna filter my opinion at all on here bc I need a place to be myself and if u don’t want to see that i understand and idm just pls don’t take it as a personal attack or anything if u ever think something I post relates to you, I promise it’s not I just need to vent <3

My MOTD ratings:

0-2 > feeling really really really shitty

3-4 > shitty like I have too much sadness and anger and everything inside me and it feels horrible and yeah yk [reckless behaviour is strong here for me + pretty strong intrusive thoughts]

5 > normal. Numb. Yucky. Normal level of intrusive thoughts [for me at least, everyone is different]

6-7 > smol happy, probably was a bad day that got better

7-8 > :D

9-10 > fucking ecstatic

[iguessitsjustme]

Love Sea Ep 4 & 5 Thoughts

Okay. As I’m writing this, I know I’ve been gone from tumblr for at least a week (I was back(ish) a day earlier than expected. Weeeeee) Possibly more. So it’s been a minute since at least episode 4 aired. So I’m lumping it in with my episode 5 watch next week. And if y’all think just because I’m not on tumblr, I’m not liveblogging…well of course I am. My wrist does hurt though so I’m not sure how talkative I’ll be. I am also having a bad brain day and I have had a whole weekend full of absolute shit. And my week is going to be…tiring. I’ll be on a plane, a road trip in a car, and then a train. All in the span of like…4-5 days. Don’t ask. Anyway that will be in the past by the time I post this. Time to watch. As always, liveblog under the cut and will likely have criticism. You’ve been warned before you click:

“Every meeting ends with a farewell” please tell me they aren’t going to try to be deep right now. They have not done nearly enough to build up Rak’s side of feelings for me to believe he’s feeling introspective at leaving this place. He pretty much hated it here for the most part. I could maybe understand if it was Mut since he just apparently immediately fell in love because he believes in love. And believing in love means automatically falling in love with the standoffish guest that you’ve been fucking.

Okay the heart of my issue with Rak and Mut can be perfectly encapsulated in this scene where Rak learns that Mut has a pickup truck. “And did I ever tell you I didn’t have a pickup?” Sir, what you feel for Rak is not love. Because if you actually loved him and cared for him, you would have heard his complaints about the motorcycle and the cargo tricycle and used the pickup truck for him instead. He literally told you the motorcycle hurt him to ride and still you did nothing. Because it means more for you to have this weird sense of superiority over Rak than it does to make sure he’s comfortable and not in literal pain. I had a more caring relationship with my former coworker than this. Because I did something where I thought I was in the right but it was a petty argument and honestly, I could see how much she was hurting from it. So I apologized and I let her know that she was more important to me than being right. And that was for a COWORKER (now friend yay). Mut can’t even manage to do that with someone he supposedly likes romantically.

Why does Rak not get to be upset about this? Mut just immediately shuts it down by saying “let’s not end on a bad note.” Sir, you caused the bad note and made no apologies. Instead you laughed at Rak for daring to want some comfort while having no control over his own life while there. Like seriously. If you caused the pain, you don’t get to dictate when the hurt is done.

And the flashbacks again. Will we get some every damn episode? We’re 4 for 4 now.

Rak baby boy this doesn’t make any sense. Does Mut have a magic dick? I do not understand.

What.

Noisy sidewalk people go AWAY

So Mook is paranoid for her valid concerns about STDs? He should get tested. So should Rak. If memory serves, both sleep around. Mut with guests and Rak when he needs to write smut. And Rak has slept with Mut already. I know they used a condom each time, but he should still get tested too. Seriously. Rak’s wealth and fame won’t protect him from STDs.

Noisy neighbor go AWAY

Man I wish this show would just let Rak be aro without making it about trauma and him just being scared to love.

Am I supposed to care about this random woman at the end? Cause I don’t.

And I feel meh about this episode as well. See you in literally the bullet below for episode 5 but it will be a week for me. Time is weird man. Time is weird.

Time IS weird past Rae. And you were right, it was a tiring week. I’m finally caught up on shows though..sort of. I still might start another show tonight. Or maybe listen to an audiobook. I think I’m gonna return my library book and see if they have it on audiobook. If I thought my wrist hurt last week, that’s nothing compared to today. Mistakes were made on my trip. One was unavoidable and the other was…well I did an exercise and that was a mistake.

Anyway now for episode 5.

Rak should wear his glasses all the time. That is all (speaking of glasses…where did I put mine…)

I had issues with that whole scene but honestly I’m too tired to type them all out. Mut is not as smart as he thinks he is and that’s all I have to say.

Rak, sweetie, the waiter just stood there. You know that. You were there.

I’ve had guys say this to me after I told them I don’t like them. You will never guess the outcome of that.

Absolutely the fuck not. There is no way that any person with a uterus wrote this line. Because what the fuck. Why is it that Mook isn’t allowed to be upset with being sent all over yonder on an errand for someone who is NOT her employer and this is the response to her being upset? Believe it or not, people that have periods can be angry because of the actions of other people and not just because of their period. Yes, PMS is a thing, but it is not the only reason for anger. Who wrote this line? I just want to talk.

Save Mook. Save her.

I hate how Vie perpetuates the horrible stereotypes of women in order to manipulate Mook. It’s awful.

So let me get this straight. Mut…forced Rak to go out to eat with him (even though they could have gotten delivery) and then when they’re shopping and Rak has explicitly stated that he wants to leave, it is a “date” because Mut is interested in Rak and he says so. But Rak has stated he does not like Mut. So the whole thing doesn’t work because Rak DOESN’T WANT TO BE THERE. It’s not a date if they both don’t agree it’s a date. And to Mut, you can’t use Rak’s novels against him. Those are characters in fiction. They don’t represent Rak’s real feelings. I hate Mut. Have I mentioned that? I mean I’m not Rak’s biggest fan either but Mut is just…dumb. Rak should be able to argue against this it’s so dumb.

Most novels don’t have sound?? I mean there are audiobooks but the sound in those is typically just words. Unless it’s different in Thailand? I don’t know. Also maybe this is a translation thing? (This is me after the end of the episode and I get it. He was talking about what the author says the sound effect would be. I admit it, I was dumb here. I don't think it came across quite right in the translation but this is fully on me for being dumb. But also the sound mixing at the end? Do NOT get me started. It was bad and I wanted to die.)

If someone put all of my alcohol and snacks back while I was shopping AND paying for it…I would murder them on the spot. I beg your finest pardon Mut, but let Rak have snacks? The alcohol I’m less pressed about because he does have alcohol at home but the snacks? THE SNACKS? I hope Mut rots in hell. This is The Ultimate Sin to me. *guards my snacks with my life*

If Rak’s skin still looks that good on a diet of alcohol and snacks, then I will eat my hat. Also Mut mind yo business. You ain’t his doctor. C’mere Rak. I’ll give you some snacks.

Save Mook. Save her.

This family drama is so poorly written. I feel bad for the actors who are killing it in this scene. They deserve a better script.

I did not hate the end of that episode. Or the scene in the dressing room. Mut's response to the drama was...he still has some work to do on boundaries but it wasn't bad. He did eventually respect the boundaries and they had some good communication in that dressing room. I don’t like that he had to be screamed at before he left Rak alone, but he didn’t walk to Rak which I was so scared he was gonna do and the show was gonna paint it as romantic.

The preview for next week has me concerned though. I probably won’t like episode 6. But that’s all for this week…and last. My wrist hurts and I need a nap.

[ctubbolvr]

Heyoooo so could u spoil the rest (so far) of cs for me plssss. Like I would read it but I feel like it would ruin the entire fic for me because I'd have to force myself to and that's not fun -.-

Ended at the scene where Ranboo goes to Fundy's flat and Fundy's like "Hey! Here's your tragic backstory!" And Ranboo's like "oh fuck *has a breakdown*"

This is also me giving u a chance to yap about cs so add as many details, hcs and personal opinions as you'd like, :)

my time to shine :D

i’m probably just going to give out the main plot points that happened then on, just because if i said every little thing that happens we would be here literally all day because towards the end the chapters get very long so!

if you don’t want spoilers for cs, look away !!!!

okay, the main chapters to talk about are chapter 28 and 30 the rest are less plot driven and more just fillers, almost. lots happen, but not much to talk about like the big two !

28:

the chapter starts out with ranboo talking to dream about photography and shit, nothing out of the ordinary, and it’s pretty short! at least that scene is. and then he and tubbo have plans to go to a diner later in the evening, and while ranboo is finding clothes, he spots a skirt that he thinks is niki’s. he considers wearing it, which makes the chapter mostly about identity + gay shit ! (more on identity later, not just this bit) and he tells niki he thinks it got mixed up in his closet, and then asks about pronouns and niki is revealed to go by she/xe, and she lends ranboo a skirt to wear and he kind of loves it. it’s a very sweet scene :) and then he goes to pick up tubbo and tubbo’s kind of first reaction is to tell him he looks pretty, which ranboo says he’s not used to, and tubbo says he’ll make sure he’s used to it (i fucking hate gay people /j) then, they go to the diner, order food, have some banter, and tubbo has, in his words, a “realization”, which is probably when he realized he’s gay for ranboo! and he calls ranboo pretty again. the 2nd time that night. and ranboo says some gay stuff about how pretty tubbo looks to himself, as well, because of course he would. and they go to the train tracks nearby, and ranboo explains the whole memory loss thing to tubbo. dream calls him, and tubbo asks him not to answer. so, ranboo doesn’t. and then you have my personal favorite scene of the entire fic i’ve had multiple emotional breakdowns about.

when the sunsets, tubbo points it out, and ranboo comments that it’s pretty.

and here’s the line that literally gets me crying all the fucking time; “beside him, the sun says, “so are you.”” he drives him back home and tubbo falls asleep in the car.

ranboo goes home and proceeds to take a quiz. “do i have feelings for my best friend?” which sends him to find out about being aromantic, and being queerplatonic. that’s the second part of the identity part of the chapter. ranboo realizes he’s aro :) that was the part i knew you’d love lmao

and now, the storm, because that was the calm.

in chapter 30, it is new years. around 2-3 in the morning, can’t remember, and ranboo is still awake. dream shows up at his door, and tells him they’re going somewhere. ranboo doesn’t question it (maybe because it’s so early) and puts out food for springerle and grabs the necessities. they drive to a hotel, and dream tells him not to worry about paying because he never told him they’d be going there.

dream leaves ranboo alone in the hotel room for HOURS, which has ranboo panicking the whole time, thinking he could be dead, and having an emotional breakdown when dream gets back. he gets comforted, they play some video games, and then they’re on the road

dream is driving, and he tells ranboo to go to sleep because it’ll be a really long drive and they’re stuck in traffic. ranboo has nothing better to do, so he closes his eyes. there’s also a storm.

it’s very creepy. there are voices, beckoning him to come and saying things like “we have your parents” “we have god” “come join us” and ranboo immediately wakes up in fear. dream tells him to go back to sleep. and he does. and the voices don’t stop. they never do. they keep mentioning god, especially, which will make more sense in a moment! he feels hands on him, tugging him down. they also say “come down here we don’t love you nowhere does” and it’s all very eerie. ranboo wakes up once more, to dream asking what he’s dreaming about because he’s muttering about smoke, and there are scratches on his arms. dream insists on him sleeping to “get more information”

this time, they’re still talking about how they have god. they have his entire life. they have his future lover. his future life. how they stole his smoke, his voice, his music— the stars — and ranboo, in his dream, is screaming back and saying he doesn’t want to go.

“YOU ARE A COMET” and they mention stars, and black holes (more on that) and let sleeping comets die (foreshadowing)

and ranboo is freaking out in his dream, begging for it to stop, and it doesn’t. and it describes tubbo, mentions the diner and smoke and brown hair. the hands are still on him, pulling him down.

there’s a black hole. a lid over it, closing the iris of an eye. which takes him to “THAT WAS NEVER MY NAME” all of the writing that is supposed to be a voice is frantic and mostly misspelled and some are in all caps (usually ranboo, but the voices too) “GOD IS AN IRIS” and he is wondering where fundy is

and he can’t breathe and they’re calling him a rabbit, a baby comet, an iris

he has blood underneath his fingernails when he wakes up, and dream asks him what he saw.

dream swerves and ranboo hits his head on the dashboard . ranboo feels like he’s going insane. dream is holding the collar of his shirt tightly.

and this is where all hell breaks loose.

ranboo says there was a black hole and he thinks he killed it. dream swerves and ranboo hits his head against the window. he says something like “not again, we’re not doing this again.” ranboo doesn’t remember having this happen before.

dream starts screaming about how he should forget. he always forgets. that he’s still dreaming about the black hole. ranboo says it needs him. dream continues screaming.

then, ranboo says; “it’s god, isn’t it? that’s me. i’m… i’m god.”

dream slams his head against the dashboard. he yells, “NO! you aren’t god. do you understand me? you aren’t god. you’re some delusional fucking kid. and you need me. you’re nothing without me.”

and then, dream says “do you think you’re getting out of this alive?”

he slams his head against the dashboard AGAIN. he’s screaming about how he (ranboo) should’ve stayed in the mental hospital.

ranboo thinks that no one will see him or dream ever again. he calls it “one of the best days in history”

dream rambles about it was “supposed to be tommy” and that his family ruined it.

dream mentions tubbo and how he would’ve hated ranboo. ranboo whispers “we were gonna get married.” “what?” “he called me pretty.”

we’re given the information that when ranboo was 15, with a new name and no family, on withdrawal from anti psychotics, he had been walking for days straight with nowhere to go, reaching an overpass, he caused a collision of cars. one unconscious, and one wide awake. dream was awake. he almost killed him. if only it worked.

and how dream bought him his first camera and how they’d meet in a park. how he left for a while and ranboo was waiting for him.

dream says no one will go looking for him.

dream swerves and ranboo unbuckles his seatbelt to slam on the breaks, because he is going to try and kill both dream and himself so neither of them get out of this alive.

when the car stops spinning, ranboo grabs something smaller than a gun from the glovebox, while dream gets out of the car. he drops the gun on accident. he feels something cut him.

dream has a fistful of his hair, a switchblade, and is holding him down against the pavement. ranboo passes out.

three days go by, where he’s asleep. he wakes up to being all bandaged up.

he’s confused. he has a text from tubbo saying “EXCITED 2 C U”

he won’t see him. but he also has a multitude of texts from dream. i won’t go much into detail, but the overall message is; “you made me kill myself and i wanted you to live with that guilt.”

he has a breakdown, of course, because telling an anxiety ridden psychotic 17 year old that he’s the reason you killed yourself probably isn’t the best way to do things!!!!

he goes to sapnap and george after his little breakdown, and they tell him he’s not dead at all. he’s in jail.

but, regardless, here’s the whole parallel i told u you’d fucking hate ^___^ “and he wants dream to hug him again, and he wants dream back so badly, he needs dream back he needs him he needs him why did he leave him—“ “ranboo loved dream. dream was his boss, and dream was his tutor, and dream was his friend, and dream was everything he had, and now he’s gone”

he goes to a park and it’s basically midnight, or at least VERY late. tubbo calls him. he doesn’t know what he’s saying. he doesn’t hear anything.

eventually, though, he hears him ask for him to say something because ranboo hasn’t said a word since he picked up. and the only words he can muster up is “‘m a white dwarf.” and of course, tubbo is pretty confused. he’s also drunk, so. (a white dwarf is a dead/dying star…)

he goes back to his apartment, and the last thing it says in the chapter is;

“in the quiet of his bedroom, body and mind equally broken, ranboo beloved becomes a black dwarf.” (black dwarfs are theoretically white dwarfs minus the light and heat if i remember right)

[simcardiac-arrested]

"or did people just like. Forget. and suddenly decide it was about aromanticism for whatever reason" that's it exactly! people repackage this specific brand of homophobia into an aro talking-point, when in reality they've totally conflated platonic relationships with being aro!! and as an aro i just ughhhh. it feels so underhanded because they know they can't outright be homophobic without backlash so they act like their opinions are on behalf of aromantics as a way of masking it. granted, this doesn't happen all the time but i've seen it too many times for my liking

RIGHT? Like i’m aro myself and it actually fucking baffles me when people will just parrot “why can’t these characters just be friends” like it’s an actual criticism and not a statement that people frequently used (and still do use!) to be homophobic about gay media/gay kids shipping smth that is gay. and it’s just like ….. it’s not a thing i’ve ever heard any aro person say? ever? Maybe because i’ve just surrounded myself with people who know that “why cant they just be friends” is a homophobic dogwhistle at this point, but also like …… when we talk about the overabundance of romantic relationships we say just that. we don’t usually take a popular gay ship that most likely has a lot of gay subtext and go Damnnn i wish people could just be normal and see these characters as friends :/ LIKE NO MAN we just say like we need more friendships in media in general. that’s it. we don’t single out some random gay ship i have NEVER seen an aromantic do that. So yeah like i totally agree with you that it feels 100% underhanded especially since it seems none of these people are actually aro

and tbh i really hate the implication that only aro people want more friendships in media, or that only aro people could benefit from it. it’s just so stupid. i assure you not only allo queer people but also straight people are Actual Friends with whatever gender they’re attracted to all the time. sometimes they’re even GOOD friends, sometimes best friends and sometimes even something entirely different but that still isn’t romantic. Like ….. i just cannot for the life of me get behind the notion that only The Aros would want friendship in media and that’s why we should stop making things gay! it’s for The Aros guys! and it’s like dude i swear if you just start talking to people outside your damn computer screen you’ll find out that non-aro people tend to value friendship just as much. they might even want to see more of it in media. But i doubt they’re out there saying “god why can’t characters just be friends”

[crystallos-sol]

Warning you now under the cut is me rambling about my perspective on multiple popular fandom ships and such. My perspective won’t be accepted widely and that’s cool no hate to anyone who does ship these characters. Y’all do you I’m just sharing my word vomit. (No I did not mention any ship by name so this should stay in the tag it belongs in!)

I’m saying that the entire relationship between Luz and Amity always read a little weird to me. I don’t tend to enjoy most canon or fandom favorite ships so I really did not think much of it but the way they wrote romantic relationships was so off putting and inherently worse than how they wrote the platonic relationships within the show.

And no it’s not just Luz and Amity’s relationship that’s off putting to me, even Gus and Matt and Hunter and Willow (although more implied with the ending of TOH). It just doesn’t read as if any of them are comfortable and able to just exist together. Amity can’t go two seconds without mentioning or thinking of Luz (which is a major annoyance and is largely why I hated it when she was around because she lost anything that made her interesting and her own character but that’s another can of worms).

Willow gets downgraded into being “ Hunters girl “ which is not fair in the slightest to her. I love her character! I really like that we got that intense moment of her putting her damn foot down more than once! But it’s really disappointing and disheartening to see her entire character go down the drain because someone decided Hunter needed a partner (which has much as it’s a cute idea I genuinely do not think if he had a partner that it should of been Willow but again another can of worms.).

And goodness has funny has it is to see Gus make fun of Matt it’s also really hard for me to see it has romantic? Or in a romantic context. To me it just reads as two best friends but again nothing against people who do like these pairings, I get it it’s fun to ship characters. I just personally do not see it.

It also just irks me when a character gets completely put down and ruined because someone wanted to shove them into a relationship. Like damn I was enjoying Willow and Amity but okay ruin my two favorite characters in the whole show.

Again every ship I’ve talked about I don’t have an issue with. I don’t want anyone to think I’m out here mad or something I am disappointed in the way they’ve handled Amity and Willow’s characters after they got partners. I however contrary to most people in the fandom would of loved AceAro Luz or even Willow hell even Hunter. I just think it would be neat to see and because as much as relationships can be cute and all it’s always nice to see Aro representation.

(Also because Luz is very friend oriented and made her own found family which is so so cute and Willow went around and befriended everyone she could and also Hunter grew up with a fucked up understanding of the world and has canonly said his friends mean the world to him and that’s so fucking cool and nice to see for once). I also think it would work for their characters and arcs. Idk would of loved to see their characters remain intact that woulda been neat.

[lesbian-duck-art]

Sorry if this is annoying!

Do you have any specific headcanons about sdmi?

Oh my god you’re not annoying at all!!😭 I love talking to you you’re so good! I have a few here and there so let me put them down here. so sorry a lot of this is E or Angel related!

- E has so many issues in regards to relationships whether it be romantic or otherwise. Pericles’ betrayal and being forced to leave everything and one he’d ever known at 17 did a lot of damage and I don’t think he’s ever fully recovered. It’s the reason he pushes people, including Cassidy, away. Because of his childhood best friend who he cared immensely for could betray him, why couldn’t everyone else? He’s definitely got PTSD and I feel like if he didn’t already, now has a severe anxiety disorder

- We don’t see a whole lot of Ed Machine in the series nor do we know a lot about him but I think he was closer to E and Angel than people tend to assume. Whether that means they were friends or polycule, I take either one lol

- I think Nibiru’s curse has a waaaay harder time affecting people who have someone they love. Whether that be familial, romantic, or even friendship. There is no love within the original Mystery Incorporated and they fall to shreds. MI II on the other hand comes back together through their love for one another. Marcie is able to break free of the curse because of Velma, Mayor Jones temporarily breaks free because despite the lie he does love and care about Fred, E loses both Ed and Angel one after the other and he becomes worse until he realizes Angel is gone.

- That in mind: I do think Jones cared about Fred. I think sans curse, he would’ve been a better dad and I see parts of Post-Nibiru Timeline/Sitting Room Jones peak through in both seasons. There’s a one shot fic on AO3 about him in the episode with that art monster? Highly recommend it and it’s exactly how I view him as a character

- While on the topic of Fred Jones Sr., I feel like his time in jail and away from the Planispheric disk weakened the curse’s hold. Not by a lot certainly, but by a tiny bit. I think the closer you get to the pieces the more corrupt you become

- I truly think that if things were different and E had let his walls down and interacted with the kids the way Angel did, I think the mystery inc gang would’ve gotten along with him the same way they do Angel! (This is part of why I enjoy Purposefully Silent so much lol it gives me exactly what I wish the show had) I still think everything would have gone to shit one way or another but

- We been knew that Fred is autistic but I also raise that like. All of Mystery Inc is somewhere between autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD(I say this as someone who is autistic and possibly AuDHD). With this I also think Ricky is neurodivergent

- Angel is pan, E is Bi, Daphne and Fred are also bi, I think Shaggy is pan and maybe even aro, Marcie and Velma are both lesbians. I also honestly think there’s n o t h i n g about E that screams “cisgender” but I can never decide if my answer is trans man or “he/him/they/them” non-binary

- Jones and Sheriff Stone *abso-fucking-lutely* had something going on there was nothing heterosexual present. Jones is giving gay man who’s over compensating via toxic masculinity and Sheriff Stone just seems to be into Crystal Cove Mayors

- Birds were Ricky’s hyperfixation after he met Professor Pericles. He knew all the different facts and terminology and everything. He still remembers most of it(mostly unwillingly), but it’s never relevant anymore

- I’ve said it once I’ll say it again I just think E gives off dad vibes in a way I can’t explain and this is why the Velma is Ricky and Cassidy’s daughter AU is one of my favorites and one I wanna do a fic for

I don’t want to make this too long so I’ll stop here but you’re not annoying and I’m actually so glad you asked!😭 I am always down to talk about this show and you already know I enjoy talking to you lol I feel I’m very bad at expressing my head canons so I hope this is okay!

[calicodreamer]

CALICO CONTINUES THE SUN AND MOON SHOW

SO, this is what, a couple weeks over due? anyway, we are continuing the Sun and Moon show BABY! WOOOOO

Anyhow, Lets Continue:

16:07 Sun and Moon Play Five Nights at Freddy’s HELP WANTED VR

Sun and Moon- and there is ALMOST no intro this time. I am so excited. 

Much more chill than when they're just running around in VR and trying out skits and things.

Sun is a big baby and Moon is standing there and being quietly supportive of him, which I approve of

Sun is either angry or neurotic, I can’t tell

Moon is frankly just here to vibe, and be the counter to Suns just outright anxious energy

Moon doing the outro because Sun is to overwhelmed is really sweet 

17:50 Sun and Moon Play UNO in VRCHAT

NO - oh no there is an intro but this time they are playing UNO with Circus baby and Glamrock Freddy, and Baby interrupts them to do the intro which Sun is really mad about for some reason

Circus Baby and Glamrock Freddy being a duo is strange - Like entirely different games, but eh there are worse things you could do with your time. And I don’t mind either of their voices, so they’re okay they can come back if they want to

They also seemed to have there own thing going on, on their channel, and I will not be watching it. Good for them though

They're playing Uno what more do you want from me

Sun and Moon being a duo I enjoy for a good long time

8:46 Sun Goes on a DATE with ROXANNE WOLF in VRCHAT

Pre-watch Notes:

I Don’t wanna watch this episode you guys, I really don’t

This seems like, the worst fucking Idea and I don’t wanna watch it 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The entire concept seems cringe as hell

Watch Notes:

Theres an intro! FUCK THE INTRO

The return of V-tuber Moon, who hangs out in the corner

It took me two weeks to watch this I’m not going to lie

First notes about Moon having left some of his code behind in Suns head, Which is fun, we’re like seven episodes in. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. Like Sun straight up says he feels more murderous and Moon is like “Yeah, Here’s why - woops my bad”

Moon being a good brother and giving Sun a pep talk, and like - affirmations. I APPROVE IMMENSELY, and him walking sun through shit, and being a good sibling, and gently walking him through how if Roxanne doesn't wanna go out with him, that's not him and the such. I can’t wait for them to ruin this.

Moon Literally SAYS he is Aro-ace in the thing - representation, I'm so proud of the writers! Like, there's no way you would get that from a televised show. I remember them saying this in the wiki, so I'm curious if they are going to tell us if Moon has ADHD or not.

Post watch notes:

Updates, It was not cringe, nothing much happened

EXCEPT EVERYTHING HAPPENS-

This is 8 minutes, and it took me about a month to sit down and watch the thing, I am so ANGER.

THE FUCKING TITLE IS "SUN GOES ON A DATE" AND HE DOESN'T THEY JUST TALK ABOUT IT.

THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS LIKE BRO - AKLJBAOEJN - NOTHING HAPPENS THEY JUST TALK ABOUT

THEY DON’T EVEN GO ON A DATE IN EPISODE ITS JUST ABOUT HOW SUN LIKES ROXANNE

This should not have taken me this long

Though they did reveal some of the stuff that's gonna happen when they introduce Eclipse, so overall, not a bad waste of my time

[canonically47]

It's DC day! Sending this in so you can review the ep when you are ready!

the episode premiered at midnight for me so i only now got to watch it but!!! REVIEW TIME!!!

spoilers for DCAS episode 8!!!

(but you knew that)

i’m disappointed alec didn’t show more emotion when he found out fiore was voted out. it makes sense given the note they ended on, but i miss them so, so, so much <///3

i fucking hate yul, and it’s beyond me how people actually unironically like him. he’s literally made to be disliked and you’re telling me some of yall actually like him?? his racist, homophobic & fatphobic ass???? the way he treats grett is horrible, i hope he gets what’s coming to him. loved seeing him get trampled in the challenge like i was hoping for <3

tom is definitely lying about his boyfriend. he should’ve told gabby what he told aiden, given that they’ve known each other for longer and are good friends, but he didn’t, and instead nervously laughed it off and walked away. that boy is a liar!!! (my aro hc is saving him, but canonically speaking i am not digging him rn)

gabellie stays winning!!! i am actually glad ellie got voted off and the nature in which she did! and i am also so happy gabby wants to avenge her! i really want gabby to make it far into the game, tbh i could see her as a finalist. also i’m super glad that my prediction was right - i forgot to talk about it on here but i was 99.99% sure ellie was out next

trevor PLEASE get over derek HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!! HE’S ALWAYS BEEN A DICK TO YOU WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM!!!! WHY ARE ALLOS LIKE THIS!!!!!!!! why can’t anyone see that the ship is not good!! derek always pulls away from trevor or disagrees with him!! he doesn’t like him!! they’ve barely had any moments that would make you root for them as a ship and trevor is clearly established to like him as fan service!!! BURN TREVEK 🔥🔥🔥 (that being said if they find a way to turn the ship around - which ik damn well they won’t because they have a knack for ruining ships, thank god gabellie is safe - maybe i will join the trevekers, but not for now)

not much to comment on this episode, it was alright just not spectacular. i still like E6 the best. now for some predictions!!!

so, ellie just got out, and gabby wants to join the villains. although hesitant at first, i think they could let her in. i’m curious how she would clash with the people from her season, especially grett - maybe her and grett will switch places as hero and villain.

the tom-jake-aiden beef continues, and i think it won’t be long before we find out tom is lying about his boyfriend...

more trevek miscommunication. obviously.

i think yul has the highest chance of being voted next on yellow team, but that would require grett finding out... everything. for the other teams, i couldn’t tell you. you know me, i obviously want jake off, but i don’t think his weird beef is quite done yet. logically though, he and tom are not looking too good on their teams - gabby could easily make tess vote with her, and aiden and tom could probably miscommunicate when voting, leading to a 2-1-1 vote against tom. i’m just here for the ride but i hope i’m right :P

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat. i hope this is not a bad time (as good as times can get for you at this exact moment…) so i’m just gonna rant

so i have a best friend of almost 6 years. it’s one of the most fulfilling relationships of my life and we really just. get each other. we (mostly) know each other in and out. and we’ve been life partners for most of the friendship, albeit unknowingly (we talked it out last year and made it official, being queerplatonic partners and stuff) and i was very glad to have someone to spend my life with. we talked about living together and just… being together.

and well, a few months ago she got herself a boyfriend. and those have been some very hard months for me, mostly because of my own fucked up emotions and insecurities that i thought i worked through and Jealousy(tm), partly because my best friend was also fucking up by having Absolute Bitches Brainrot and spending less time with her friends (me included). and we have talked about this! and it was. well. it went good. she said she’d work on it and plan more hang outs and that she didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

and…i thought that was the end of it. i’ve been (once again, mostly) fine. i was confident in our relationship. but a few days ago, i realized how annoying it is to talk to my best friend these days because all she ever talks about is her boyfriend, she constantly brings him up in conversations that don’t even mention him. but i didn’t want to talk about it with her because i didn’t want to make her feel bad, and i already mentioned the fact how she’s always talking about her bf to which she said she doesn’t do it on purpose, so.

so i decided to talk about it with my other friend instead. i went into a chat between me and my best friend to look for funny/absurd/annoying/inappropriate examples of her bringing up her boyfriend, and instead i found a message that made me upset when i first saw it and, apparently, still makes me upset: it was about how her boyfriend told her something like “when we get married yadda yadda” and it made her happy because no one’s ever wanted to marry her spend their life with her like that.

and, uh, you can probably see where i’m getting at with this haha. it made me sad because i wanted to do that, i wanted to spend our lives together. it also made me a little angry that she was this invested in a person she’s known for a maximum of 2 months while, well, i exist. which might be a selfish thought, but it is what it is. anyway—so i mentioned the message to my friend and how it made me react and. well. for context, i’m mostly aro and my best friend is probably on the spectrum too but she does feel attraction more.

so my friend basically told me how We Live In A Society and that aro + allo people don’t usually last long together or end up living with each other, because the allo person eventually ends up finding a romantic partner and living with them. because We Live In An Allo Society. which is true, but… it’s just something i haven’t thought about before. i never realized it would be a problem for us, which was probably a bit stupid and naive of me ahaha. and my friend also told me that my best friend probably wasn’t experiencing the qpr feelings in the same way i was, and honestly? i kind of wish they didn’t tell me any of this. because i think they’re right and it fucking sucks and it makes me extremely sad to realize that maybe i’m not as important as i used to be, or as i thought i was. it’s…not a good thought. and i didn’t take it well—i’m not taking it well, would probably be more correct.

i understand this is something that should probably be talked about. but the day i had The Realization(tm) my best friend messaged me a few hours later, talking about her boyfriend again. some mundane thing that they did together. and she said how happy she is to have him and how lucky she is. and it just made me think—i can’t ruin this. i’m not going to ruin this. i’m not going to make it about me just because i had a warped perception of what my life was going to be and that is somehow another person’s fault. it’s not. it’s no one’s fault, really. i mean, maybe it’s a little my fault for being dumb and wishful, but eh. it is what it is.

so yeah. uh. i guess that’s it. i probably am going to get better eventually. somehow. i’ll deal with it on my own. and who knows? maybe i’ll end up finding someone else. maybe i won’t. maybe i should just let it all go and realize i never had it in the first place. whatever that means—i hope most of this message is comprehensible. it’s almost 1am and i’m tired from a full day of Gaming(tm). i hope you’re holding up well.

Not to grab the mic and steal your moment but as an allo who was just dumped and ghosted by two romantic partners I thought I was going to spend my life with, it is now my friends who are stepping up to the task of helping me through this. And if I can look at this and acknowledge that a romantic relationship isn't inherently better or more worthwhile than platonic relationships, so can other people. Even if your beloved friend can't. It's not a lost cause to find people who value and prioritize friendship and it does not require being aro

[aceyugiohdreamer]

It’s genuinely depressing how many books I’ve read recently that have had their potential ruined at the very least by being first person narration and/or romance. Both qualities have this nasty consequence of steering character and relationship developments in the most uninteresting directions.

With first person, you can only see other characters through one set of eyes, which is such a frustrating tease. You can never have a character who just stands on their own, you can only know them in relation to the narrating character, and more often than not, I don’t care about the narrating character. I want to know so many of the other characters, but the author is trying to force me to see the other characters and the world through one person (maybe two or three), and I hate it. I want other characters to be free to be themselves on the page, not objects the narrator has to navigate around. I don’t understand this impulse to have a story revolve entirely around one person’s perspective. It makes no fucking sense.

(It also lends itself to this plot “device” where you can only find out things that happened where the narrator character couldn’t be through bs conversations that explain events that would have been much more interesting described through real, third person narration.)

First person also puts the reader in the position of a fucking therapist because again, I don’t fucking understand why the narrator is narrating anything in the first place. Who are they talking to? What is supposed to be the reason for any first person narrator to be talking to me, the reader? I don’t know, but usually I end up just feeling like the narrating character is baring their soul to me to explain and justify their actions because I’m their assigned therapist or something. Especially because first person narration has this tendency to be very repetitive about how the character feels. It’s like oh my god I get it, you don’t have to keep telling me over and over and over how you feel. It’s really not that hard to grasp, and the way it’s being said isn’t nearly as lyrical or deep as the author seems to think it is. The word count spent agonizing over the narrator’s emotional state is so unnecessary and boring.

And this is exacerbated by romance because the character then has to keep justifying to me why they think or feel a certain way about the love interest. Especially in enemies to lovers, the narrator has to go through this huge psychological dump where they try to untangle all their conflicting feelings and I’m just sitting there like, am I your therapist? Is that what this relationship is? Are you telling me all this because I’m supposed to help you understand these feelings that you’re having? That’s literally what it feels like because I can’t think of any other situation where a person would just say all the things a first person narrator says. It’s so fucking unnatural god I fucking hate first person with a passion I hate every little thing about it.

And also with romance, it usually means that any other relationship is pushed to the periphery, underdeveloped, and wasted. Relationships that would genuinely be so much more interesting and compelling are shoved aside to prioritize the romance, and it seriously debilitates the story. I can’t remember the last time I read a romance and actually cared, actually gave one single fuck, about the romantic relationship. Maybe it’s the aro in me or maybe it’s just that authors don’t write romance in a way that moves me, I don’t know, but I always end up thinking that if the romance wasn’t such a major priority in the book, the actual story and other relationships could have actually had a chance to be decent. They would have had the space to breathe and grow.

Not that changing the narration or the genre would fix every issue, but it would be a good start. Characters could potentially be developed so much better and other relationships made so much more meaningful without the stupid limitations of first person and glorified romance.

I think I kept torturing myself reading all these months because I was wondering if I’d actually come across a romance that I actually liked. My curiosity kept me going, but god I’m so fucking worn out. I can’t read anymore. I’m tired of having hope that maybe this next book will be written well, that it won’t sacrifice everything at the altar of romance, that its plot won’t be riddled with holes, that its characters will be likable or at least their actions and motivations reasonable, that the romance will at least feel real and organic and purposeful in the story.

I’m sure I’m being uncharitable but I’m so frustrated right now I don’t want to bother being diplomatic. I almost hate reading again. I need to go back to writing now so I can have more material to read that I actually enjoy and won’t be disappointed by.