#can’t talk about being socialized female without distancing myself from the first 22 years of my life

[thefortysecondolive]

hit a rough patch processing my gender in the past few days & have been feeling down about not being able to talk about pretty much any aspect of my identity without tacking on seven disclaimers and a vocab quiz 😮‍💨 wish I could just put the identity crisis on hold until I finish my finals

[princeyandanxiety]

Yo it's NOT cinnanon ( they're cool tho if you're reading this cinnanon I like your style) Do all 97 get to know u questions pls. This meme loving pizza nacho needs to know all the answers - memeloving pizza-nacho

Well, memelord, you get all the answers for this dumb thing. You know, I WAS going to write and finish off a poor anon’s prompt which has been waiting in my inbox for like four days but nope I’m doing this.

@andy-the-anon @prinxiety-logality-sanders-sides @anxietyandlogic @mira-jadeamethyst

1. What’s your middle name?

It starts with an A and that’s all ur getting

2. What are you listening to right now?

Summer’s Coming Early by Hi I’m Case

3. What was the last thing you ate?

Instant noodles lmao I had lunch like an hour ago

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

My mum to tell her that I’m not dead. That was on Thursday.

5. Do you drink?

Nope

6. Do you smoke?

Ahahahhaha I’m asthmatic heeeeell no

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone?

When I first met one of my past crushes, I first noticed her eyes. They were super blue and pretty 

8. What is your hair color?

Strawberry blonde

9. What is your eye color?

That is a hotly debated topic among my irl friends, but we’re pretty sure it’s grey.

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses?

Glasses so my brain doesn’t die trying to correct my astigmatism lmao

11. Dogs or cats?

12. What’s your favorite animal?

I guess I like quokkas?

13. What’s your favorite television show?

That I actually watch on television? Doctor Who. That I watch online? Miraculous Ladybug.

14. What’s your favorite movie?

Brave or Moana. Or Tangled. I like my Disney Princesses.

15. What’s your favorite band/singer?

All Time Low is my fav if I had to choose

16. How old are you?

Currently 17, but I will be 18 in a few months.

17. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Nope annnnnd im starting to wonder if i ever will?

18. What’s your sexual orientation?

Bisexual. I think.

19. What’s your favorite color?

*looks around room* purple, apparently. Although i prefer wearing black or red

20. What was your most embarrassing moment?

That I can remember (and this is just that I can remember) is when I asked someone why they were down in my city for an event when they lived in Sydney. They were not the person I thought that they were, and I only realised it once we parted ways.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Yes? I usually wish to be more like my more extroverted friends.

22. What were you like when you were a kid?

I was a know it all and a nosy brat (not much has changed, then.) I also would not stop singing.

23. What would your dream house be like?

Big enough for a minimum of four people.

24. What last made you laugh?

Something that @prinxiety-logicality-sanders-sides said

25. What is your favorite word?

Adore

26. What is your least favorite word?

Régulièrement. I can’t pronounce all the damn accents fast enough for normal speech and my French teacher calls me out on it EVERY TIME I USE THE WORD.

27. What turns you on?

You know that song “every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed man”? Yeah that. But it applies to everyone

28. What turns you off?

treating/thinking that someone doesn’t deserve the same basic human decency just because they’re different

29. What is your star sign?

Leo. Which explains my constant need for attention and validation.

30. What are your favorite books?

ANYTHING WRITTEN BY JACKIE FRENCH

31. Do you have any siblings?

An older sister. We have a love-hate relationship.

32. Do you like to dance?

Do i evER. I use to take ballet and GOD do i miss it.

33. What is your definition of cheating?

As best as I can word it, being romantically/sexually intimate with someone else without one’s partner’s consent.

34. Have you ever cheated on someone?

I haven’t even dated someone, man.

35. Do you regret anything?

I call it the Incident of Year Seven. But the more I hear about what the other person in the incident has done since then, the more glad I am that the incident ended up happening

36. Do you have any phobias?

Leeches, the nasty little shits.

37. Ever broken any bones?

Scaphoid, left wrist.

38. Ever come close to death?

Lmao no.

39. What is your religion, if any?

Catholic Christian. I was raised as one and I’m still practising, even though there’s some things that I strongly disagree with.

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?

I went to the school therapist once but that was because I’d just had a massively humiliating fight with someone.

41. Are looks important in a relationship?

Not really.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad?

Academically, I’m more like dad, but I think I’m more socially and politically like mum.

43. What is your favorite season?

Winter. Cold but I get to rug up and wear baggy shit without overheating.

44. Do you have any tattoos?

No

45. Do you have any piercings?

Only in my ears

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

One. In kindergarten. Almost had one in year 9 but I’m glad it never happened because we are actually very different people.

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Absolutely. So many crushes.

48. Who is your celebrity crush?

Natasha Negovanlis

49. Are you a virgin?

Yes

50. Do you get jealous easily?

Hahahahahahahahahaha yes.

51. What is your favorite type of food?

Fruits

52. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes! The only problem is finding someone who I’d want to spend my life with and reciprocates those feelings lmao

53. Who was your first kiss with?

A guy named Alexander. It was preschool.

54. Have you ever been cheated on?

We’ve covered that I’m desperately single.

55. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Well into the relationship, go out and have a picnic/have a generally nice day and then come back home and cuddle while watching a movie/listening to music

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert, absolutely.

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?

Yes.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?

The talent to know how to help people.

59. What is your saddest memory?

Uuuuh in terms of sad for me, it was finding out that i was probably never going to see my cousins again when they moved to god knows where. 

60. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nah. I think that true love needs time to develop.

61. Do you believe in soul mates?

Yes, but I also believe that you have many and they’re not really romantic.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair?

I want to so badlyyyyyyy. The moment I come back from Europe in December im dying it!

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?

Lmao I was and am boring who would want to spread a rumour about me?

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?

Depends how desperate I am for the money, and how against my moral code it is. If I’m struggling to make ends meet and it’s not like horrifically against my code I’d probably consider it.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?

1. I have a ref and a vent blog

2. I purposely tanked my grades for Year 8 IT because I hated my teacher

3. One of my proudest moments is making my yr 10 teacher scared of a local lookout after writing a ghost story about it.

66. Who are you jealous of?

Anyone who can easily keep their friends without putting massive distances between them.

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?

Yes. I stole my teddy bear from my mum when I was a bitty Bella

68. How long was your longest relationship?

…………………….

69. Is the glass half empty or half full?

Half full

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

I dont know man, probably pin me to the wall and make out with me (i missed this question when i first posted this hhhhhhhhhhhhh)

71. Who is your most loyal friend?

Toss up between C, A, D or Ellie. C, A, and Ellie because they’ve put up with a LOT of my shit haha, and D bc he’s my longest friend that I still talk to

72. Are you in a relationship?

NO

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

AHHHHH

74. Are you a bad person?

I like to believe that I’m a good person. I try to be.

75. Are you a lover or a fighter?

I’m more of a lover mostly because I can’t fight lmao.

76. What did you do on your last birthday?

I had a sleepover with my group! We ate a lot of lollies and had not-so deep and meaningful convos

77. What is your favorite quote and why?

“You have a brain the size of a peanut and a social clue the size of a grain of sand” - My best friend, about some ‘friends’ giving her shit abt being Christian. It’s so scathing and done. 

78. If your best friend died, what would you do?

Cry. A lot. Because holy crap I love them a lot and they’ve done so much for me and helped me be so much more confident in myself. … i’m gonna go tell them that.

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?

NOT BURNING THE LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA. I AM *SO FUCKING MAD* ABOUT THAT

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

Spend it with all of the people I love.

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?

I woke up crying because I had a dream that I’d missed a maths class.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship?

Idk man

83. Who were you in a past life?

Idk. Someone who wasn’t happy with the life they got and always wished to be more than they ended up being.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?

An end-of-primary-school sleepover I had with my three closest friends at the time.

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

HOO BOY HAVE I EVER. Yes.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend?

Noooot really?

87. If you were the president, what would you do?

Take all spending away from military and give it to education.

88. What is your ideal career?

Chemist with a translator gig on the side and flies planes on weekends.

89. What is your political affiliation?

Uuuuh to the left i believe? Like socialist? I support a lot of Bernie Sanders’ policies

90. Are you conservative or liberal?

According to my mother, liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection?

Niether. People are gross.

92. Do you like kissing in public?

Pass.

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?

The distribution of wealth.

94. Where would you like to live?

Probably somewhere in France or Europe.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

Somewhere fairly cold and remote.

96. Describe yourself in one word.

Difficult.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

Mumbling mathematical sometimes guilty for no reason mess who simultaneously wants to have all the friends and be left alone.

HOO BOY I’M DONE AND I HATE YOU ALL

[robbiemeadow]

Things That Crossed the Line for Me

By Leah Zeiger

This article is the second part of a two part series. Read part one, Defining the Line.

As a 22-year-old woman, I often look back to seven years ago, when a 15-year-old version of myself met a boy and quickly became trapped in his manipulation. Over the course of 2 years, I went on to endure abuse—emotional (including stalking), digital, physical and sexual—all at the hand of this dreamy boy I thought I loved. Looking back, there were some definite patterns of behavior that I didn’t notice crossed the line into abuse. Here are a few:

Jealousy

My god, this is a huge one. I remember so clearly my friends in high school saying that their boyfriends were so in love with them, and they knew that because they were always jealous of other boys. I remember a male friend saying to me, “A little jealousy is always good in a relationship. I mean, how can I believe you really love me if you don’t ever get jealous?”

JEALOUSY IS NOT OKAY.

I REPEAT, JEALOUSY IS NOT. OKAY.

Not even a little bit of it. Not even a smidge. Jealousy does not prove that your significant other loves you. A jealous partner is an insecure partner who will use their insecurities as a way to excuse manipulative and controlling behavior. A jealous partner will never trust you completely, and will use that lack of trust as a pathway to tear you down and convince you that somehow their inability trust you is your fault.

Jealousy and mistrust go hand in hand, and while it’s cliché to say that trust is the foundation of any good relationship, it’s true. What’s even more true is that lack of trust and the presence of jealousy is the foundation for an emotionally manipulative and possibly abusive relationship.

If your partner is looking through your phone, if your partner gets upset because you have friends who are of the sex you are attracted to, if your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating, if your partner wants to keep tabs on you at all times so that they know you are being loyal, they are jealous, and they are manipulating you to feed their jealousy.

In that situation, you will never earn their trust. Even though they claim it’s your fault, or maybe the fault of someone in their past, it’s actually their own doing, and because of that you will never be able to change it.

Jealousy and mistrust crosses the line.

Denying Their Actions

So often, I heard my abuser tell me that I was “acting crazy” and that everything was “all in my head.” I would tell him that he doesn’t treat me well, and he would proceed to deny all of the accusations I was making about him. Instead, he would list all of the great things he claimed he did for me. He would call me a liar and tell me I was making things up, and then the conversation would flip and everything would be all my fault – again – even though the conversation started by me telling him how he needed to act better.

Nothing was ever his fault. The fights always ended in me begging him to take me back, to stay with me, to love me. And then he would graciously agree and I would be relieved, and then moments later I’d feel like I had been hypnotized, as I’d realize that what I’d set out to talk to him about turned into yet another way in which he had hurt my self-esteem. He made me believe I was worthless, and made me beg for him again.

In no instance should you ever feel like you have to beg for someone to love you. In no scenario is it okay for a significant other to purposefully make their partner feel so worthless that they have no choice but to beg for their love, because they’re the only one nice enough to love them. This is a classic way in which perpetrators abuse their partners – they beat them down, make them feel like they are terrible people, and then trick them into believing that they actually are so terrible that they need to beg to receive love. Denying any wrongdoing and making their partner feel as if they are crazy for pointing out flaws in their abuser is another way in which perpetrators trap and control their victims. If this is happening to you, be aware that this is a huge red flag.

Consistently denying negative actions and behaviors in order to blame you for those behaviors crosses the line.

Name Calling / Shaming

My ex-boyfriend was so consistently skeptical of me, and so relentlessly accused me of cheating on him, that he began to justify this based on the fact that I had had two boyfriends before him, so therefore I was a “slut,” a “whore,” and many other terrible words. He would call me these things with the intent to hurt me, and he would never apologize. He called me a slut so often that I started to believe it.

Nobody ever has the right to call you names like these. Name calling and shaming is emotionally abusive, and yet another way in which abusers break their partners down so hard that they are defenseless against their manipulation.

Name calling crosses the line.

Shaming someone based on their sexual history crosses the line.

Restricting Digital Access/Monitoring Online Activity

This is a relatively new way perpetrators have been abusing their victims – particularly middle and high school and college-aged partners. My ex-boyfriend often went through my phone. He insisted that I turn over all passwords to him so that he could see who I was talking to and make sure I wasn’t cheating. He justified this by saying, “If you have nothing to hide, then why not let me see it?” Any time I refused, he took it as a confession to cheating, and the arguing and ultimate begging would begin again.

Nobody has the right to look through your phone at any time, for any reason, without your consent. And even if you do consent, significant others should not be constantly asking to go through your phone. There’s no reason they should be doing that – either they trust you or they don’t. If they trust you, truly, then they would never ask to do that, because they shouldn’t need proof that you are respecting the boundaries of your relationship. If they don’t trust you, letting them go through your phone will not fix that. Remember, you cannot change whether your partner truly trusts you or not, because mistrust and jealousy are just manifestations of an individual’s low self-esteem and desire to control you.

Additionally, a significant other banning you from having certain social media accounts is not okay, as is them telling you that you can’t go on certain websites or be online without them actively monitoring your activity. A partner who is trying to restrict your access to the internet is a partner who is trying to control what information you get to see, and what avenues you have at hand to express yourself or communicate with other people.

A partner insisting they have control over your digital life crosses the line.

Social Isolation

This is a big one that often goes unnoticed or justified, just like jealousy. When a partner is constantly trying to take you away from your friends or family, they are trying to isolate you from your support network. My ex-boyfriend would take any excuse to come see me – we didn’t go to the same high school, so that meant I always had to hang out with him before and after school since he “didn’t get to see me during the day.” He would make it seem like he did this because he “loved me so much he couldn’t stand to be apart,” but it was clear that he was simply trying to control my time. During the school day, he would constantly text me, and if I didn’t reply quickly enough, he would get angry that I wasn’t paying enough attention to him.

This became a problem when my friends began to notice that I was always either with him or glued to my phone texting him. And when my ex caught wind that my friends were annoyed that he was hogging my time, he started spinning crazy stories about how they were bad friends for wanting to take me away from our relationship, and started to tell me who I could and couldn’t hang out with. Any male friends I had were totally off-limits, and even female friends who had brothers were off-limits. He would get angry if I made plans with a friend without telling him, and then he would tell me to cancel those plans and hang out with him instead. He successfully distanced me from my friends, which was devastating when the abuse got worse, and I desperately needed a stronger support network.

He would also try to take me away from my family by insisting he attend family events, and then hogging me to himself the whole time. He was skillful in knowing just how nice he needed to be to my parents to get them to invite him to family functions, while also maximizing the time he could have me to himself and not with other people. This isolation was a purposeful tactic he used to effectively make my life center around him – another way in which he manipulated me into staying with him.

Isolating a partner from their friends and family crosses the line.

Forcing You to Perform Sexual Acts

Yes, I am going to spell this one out, because even though it may seem obvious to some, when you are being controlled by an abuser it becomes much less clear. Recently, I spoke with an adult in my life and asked her if she had ever gone through something like I had. She simply said, “Well, there was one relationship that wasn’t great, and he made me do things I didn’t really want to do, but nothing other than that.” I pointed out that someone doing that to you is not okay, and it seemed to open her eyes to the fact that I was right – that what he did was inexcusable – for the first time.

There are so many reasons why women say things like that all the time, and the biggest reason is that we don’t draw the line at forcing us to perform sexual acts that we do not consent to.

Draw the line.

If, at any point in a relationship – be it one day in, two months in, or twenty years in – you feel uncomfortable in a physical or sexual way, and your partner ignores your discomfort and insists the act be carried out regardless, that most definitely and without hesitation crosses the line.

This one is sometimes upsetting for people to hear, because we so often make excuses for why someone could have forced us to do something like that, especially when that someone is a person we are convinced we love. What is confusing is knowing that you can love someone and they can love you, yet they can still hurt you. What isn’t confusing is that forced sexual encounters are, by definition, sexual assaults.

Naturally we all might find ourselves having sex with a partner who is not abusive, and we begin to get uncomfortable and ask our partner to stop. The fact that you started to feel uncomfortable doesn’t in itself constitute assault. What does constitute assault is when that discomfort is disregarded, undervalued, and/or questioned, and your partner chooses to continue anyway.

If your partner has said to you that they love you, so they want to have sex with you, and if you love them you’d want to have sex with them too, that is not okay. If your partner tries to guilt you into having sex, or persuade you into performing a sexual act, or tries to justify their forcefulness, or in any way makes you feel like you have no choice in the matter, that is sexual assault. That is abuse.

That most definitely crosses the line.

There are many other behaviors that constitute abuse, but the ones I didn’t spell out – hitting or physical violence, for example – are ones that society seems to collectively agree are clearly crossing the line. The problem is, as discussed in Defining the Line, society’s “line” is just one big blurry blob, and abusers take advantage of this blurriness. When we don’t draw the line, we don’t have the tools to stop them from doing this.

So there is the line—clearly and boldly. It’s not blurry, confusing or nuanced, and the sooner we definitively draw it, the sooner we can stop people from crossing it altogether.

If certain behaviors in your relationship may be crossing the line, loveisrespect is here to help. Talk to an advocate 24/7/365 at 1-866-331-9474, by online chat at www.loveisrespect.org, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.

Leah Zeiger is a survivor of relationship abuse and founder of The Sunflower Project, which promotes survivor healing through the art of dance. You can follow Leah’s work at www.towardsthesun.org.

The post Things That Crossed the Line for Me appeared first on Loveisrespect.org.

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