#can someone please explain why Monty is good?

[sabrondabrainrot]

Sorry to keep rambling and yappingg away but this time i swear it's not about Sun for once. It's actually a genuine question, do people actually like Monty? I understand the purpose of Monty and actually like some of their plots I just can't stand the fact Monty feels so stagnant.

I find Monty's arc around saying Earth and wanting to make their relationship work actually really cute. So far I just see Monty genuinely trying to be a good partner to Earth and take her on dates and be open and honest but that very rarely happens. Monty ends up hiding a lot from her however Earth works as a great way for the audience to know Monty Moore intimately. One of the biggest deals for me is when we find out Monty's was crimes are actually just jokes and he they never did any of the unspeakable things!

Except they actually did? Monty wasn't joking about killing hobos etc. They weren't kidding when it came to scamming people and lying to make money. They aren't ever honest in their intentions. Monty goes against what people ask and want constantly.

The progress of the show so far paints Monty like a step forward giant leap back type. They want to do good things but I swear they've never done a genuine act of kindness.

Monty beat Foxy until Foxy forgot who he was. Then purposely kept the thing that could restore him away from foxy intention. Then intentionally didn't build Foxy a new body just after utterly wrecking Foxy's current one. Monty is trying to seemingly fix it but everything keeps stopping it from happening. Except, is what Monty doing a kindness or just their selfish guilt? Plus, don't forget how Monty constantly beats Foxy down.

Monty also NEVER listens to Puppet. They unfairly instigated solitary confinement against Puppet. Puppet herself always knows things she can't fully tell to Monty and despite earning so much of Monty's trust and proving over and over again she should be listened to, Monty still refuses to. I understand Puppet at times is hard to trust when she's being enigmatic but unfortunately Monty gets warned over and over again and just never listens.

Now there's the entire FC and Frank situation. Frank offered a solution that wouldn't be majorly altering a child's body through life risking surgery. Frank is another hard to trust enigma but when it comes to FC and Foxy, Frank has only ever been Foxy's biggest supporter. Instead, we got the surgery and altering route which worries me. If FC naturally burned off star power I think the kid would have been fine but now there's all these added variables with the core being in FC. It's super cool plot wise cause I can tell it's going to lead to something but also, why would Monty basically say their way or the highway?

LMAO I lied, talking about Sun and Moon for a moment. Monty is Old Moon's best friend but they're also the kind of friend who trash talks others to bond. Something he did a lot was compliment Moon by pointing out a problem in Sun first then pointing out a Moon trait he liked. But also on the same hand Sun confides quite a bit with Monty. He's asked Monty for help and Monty repays that with scams and punches. He recently, went out his way to randomly punch Sun in front of all the daycare kids and take FC from Sun's watch just to bring him to Foxy. And a lot of his violence is mainly towards Sun. He was ready to kill Sun for being a tiny bit more popular than him in that one ep when Sun almost took over the pizzallex's new official mascot.

I think Monty is only really kind to Lunar and Old Moon for some reason.. But I also find some of their interactions to be some of the best of Monty. Monty genuinely telling Old Moon to talk it out when Sun was hurting and wanting to kill Eclipse was amazing advice (it's not Monty's fault Moon sucks with words ) and just everything with Lunar? Monty I feel shines best in these instances.

I just get so conflicted when it comes to Monty. I at first laughed along with them. They were this really funny underdog type that was ride or die but as the series goes on i just realized Monty is so mean spirited.

I really don't understand why Earth gives them so many chances.

Like after seeing how New Moons start into the dark side went, I can for sure say I kind of blame Monty. I think New Moon shares most of the responsibilities of his actions however Monty basically forced New Moon's hand. New Moon after all did say "you were planning to kill me." And Monty was. Just to get Old Moon back. Sun went to Monty and Foxy for help with New Moon and despite Sun and current Moon helping them they both told Sun to kill him. They upset Sun to the point he ran off and they acted surprised he was hurt they wouldn't really help.

Puppet gave Sun an agonizing ultimatum but before he could really weigh his wants and needs of the family and ask his siblings Monty went and meddled which forced everyone's hands and ultimately led to Moon/Nexus desperately breaking out, Earth getting burned, Monty being destroyed again, Puppet getting exhausted, and ultimately that entire fiasco going all according to Dark Sun's keikaku.

Maybe I'm just not seeing the big picture? I honestly just don't think Monty is likable at this point and that's a big problem because they're a main part of the cast. They're supposed to be likable aren't they?

[read-write-thrive]

JATP x DBDA crossover where the Phantoms are free but Willie still isn’t and Caleb is playing dirty now that the boys have bested him (possessing Nick but also cmon he definitely has more magic up his sleeve) so they start trying to figure out Magic on their own, which is really just Julie and Flynn googling things and trying out various types of magic/spells/scam artists in the area, only for someone to come across something to do with the DBDA who are happy to take the case 👀

I have too many WIPs for this but just some ideas floating around my head:

- Crystal at first butts heads with Julie and Flynn (residual mean girl tendencies/differing senses of humor) but end up bonding over being surrounded by (dumb) dead teenage boys

- None of the Phantoms are good at proper spells but their music 100% has magical properties that is utilised in whatever final battle type event happens

- Edwin has come to terms with Charles’s eccentricities but the Phantoms are a whole other type of teenage boy and I think he would be just so catty about it all. Like why are they cute and so stupid this is ridiculous why the Hell did we even take this case can they please take this seriously

- Charles and Reggie vibe. I don’t make the rules

- Flynn can’t see the boys either which naturally leads to hijinks

- Monty attends a concert (he deserves to have fun) and while I considered him being the link between the two groups I think it would be funnier if he decided to go to a concert and runs into them coincidentally

- Based on a precursory AO3 search I’ve seen some fics where Monty gets in trouble with Caleb which makes sense with the whole magic familiar angle but I’m not copying here so I won’t get into that

- I think Willie interacting with DBDA would be wild. Like. Dead pretty boy with a sense of humour and tragic backstory? They’re all swooning fr

- Niko (shhh) gets along with Julie and Flynn IMMEDIATELY like they are talking about shows and DIYing things together and it’s great

- Crystal gets along better/faster with Julie and Flynn with Niko present fs

- There’s at least one dance number with everyone involved

- possessed!Nick is still trying to woo Julie and not only do we get the Phantoms side eyeing him but now we get the DBDA just openly judging him (Crystal roasts the shit out of that fedora and she’s RIGHT)

- Crystal would decimate any of Carrie’s attempts at being bitchy so I think we have to redeem Carrie for that reason alone

- DBDA goes to a JATP concert and the boys are actually awful at vibing there. Like Crystal is relatively normal (idk if it’s her scene but she’s been to concerts before) but Edwin does not know what to do at a modern concert and Charles is used to a much different style of dancing/concerts (I don’t know enough abt aka punk to elaborate unfortunately but ykwim)

- girls night includes style swapping bc the DBDA girlies deserve some butterfly clips and the JATP girlies deserve some eyeliner

- in the nature of JATP I don’t think Caleb gets sent to hell in the end but I do think his ending needs to be ridiculous. Like have him get the Night Nurse treatment and get eaten by that fish so he can be redeemed by Kashi

- not to bring up Monty again but I think he sticks around and keeps up with the JATP crew more than the DBDA (he is not interested in any more of that Hell/monster energy and that’s so valid of him)

- montage of Edwin and Charles teaching the Phantoms ghost abilities (I can’t remember if/how they vary between shows but if so shhh or explain it away yk)

- Unseen Emily reprise and it’s all the boys mourning loved ones. Just for the feels.

- Actually just more backstories for everyone please

- Love ballad/slow song that Willex and/or Payneland dance to 🥰

- Palasaki being openly in love (which inspires whatever the Flynn x Carrie ship is bc I love them)

[catindabag]

TBOSAS on Crack short take (66)

*Are those our new friends?* Read [this] first.

Coryo: Clemmie, please stay.🥺

Clemensia: No! I want to go home-

Felix: Bestie, they haven’t served us the lobster yet. So I insist that you must stay.

Sejanus: For the lobster!

Diana: Mr. Lobster!

Clemensia:. . .

Diana: Pretty please.🥺🙏

Clemensia: I- I do like lobster.

Coryo: You can have the first bite.

Clemensia: Fine! But no more funny business. *side eyes Casca*

Drunk!Casca: That’s easy for you to say, Ms. Dove Goat.

Clemensia: It’s Dovecote.

Drunk!Casca: Dove Goat.

Clemensia: Whatever. Just don’t go arguing with old people-

Strabo: I’m not old.

Sejanus: Yes, you are.

Strabo: Strabo is sad now.

Drunk!Casca: Lol. Old-

Clemensia: Sir!

Drunk!Casca: But I have to win against that rock merchant-

Strabo: I sell guns, you drunk!

Drunk!Casca: I’m not drunk! I’m Casca!

Strabo: Drunk.

Sejanus: Pa, go away! You’re embarrassing me in front of my darling Coryo again!😫

Strabo: Little Snow doesn’t mind.

Coryo: I don’t mind.

Drunk!Casca: I mind.

Clemensia: Sir!

Drunk!Casca: Ugh. Fine! I’m here to tell you that there has been a change this year. One final assignment to prove your worth-

Festus: Are we having a dance-off competition?😀

Coryo: A singing contest!

Sejanus: Bake and Brawl!

Domitia: Dungeons and Dragons!

Livia: Love Island!

Pup: Please be Ninja Warriors!

Gaius: A stand up comedy show!

Persephone: Fear Factor!

Urban: Spelling Bee!

Hilarius: Singles Inferno!

Urban: Let’s do Project Runway instead!

Juno: I agree!

Io: Me too!

Drunk!Casca: What?! No! We are not doing those! This is the Reaping Ceremony! Not the fun and games party!

Felix: Let me guess, it’s a cooking competition, isn’t it?

Drunk!Casca: Heck, no! This is about the Hunger Games, you brats!

Livia: Boring!

Juno: Ew.

Felix: Sir, you do know that we don’t like watching the Hunger Games, right?

Drunk!Casca: I know. That’s why-

Florus: Think about my war traumas!

Coryo: Think about mine!

Persephone: Mine’s the worst!

Clemensia: No offense, but Monty takes the cake on this one.

Palmyra: I’m fine.☺️

Io: Monty-

Palmyra: I’m totally fine! Do you want a slice of my family’s pie?😀

Io: Ew. No.

Drunk!Casca: The important thing is that-

Coryo: No one likes the Hunger Games. Period.

Androcles: Yeah! Coryo’s right! Your Killer Kids Game sucks!

Drunk!Casca: That’s the point! No one watches the games!

Io: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Urban: Don’t look at me. I don’t care either way.

Drunk!Casca: Ugh! How should I explain this-

Festus: In simple terms. I’m dumb.

Apollo: I’m also not the sharpest tool in the shed. So-

Drunk!Casca: Each one of you brats will be assigned one Tribute.

Festus: So all of us will have a Tribute?

Drunk!Casca: Yes.

Lysistrata: Even Livia and Monty?!

Livia: Even me?!

Palmyra: I’m fine.🙂

Drunk!Casca: Unfortunately.

Coryo: What for?

Drunk!Casca: You will serve as their Mentors for the games-

Diana: Sir, can we befriend our Tributes?

Drunk!Casca: Why would you want to-

Gaius: That’s a good idea, Ring! Let’s all befriend our Tributes!

Felix: I do want a new friend.

Dennis: Or a business partner.😈

Lysistrata: I just hope that they won’t hate us for being a bunch of spoiled Capitol Nobles-

Clemensia: Lizzie, I’m pretty sure that they already despise us for being born Capitol.

Lysistrata: You’re right.😢

Felix: Bestie, don’t be sad. Just give them some vitamins-

Drunk!Casca: No! You’re going to be their Mentors and nothing else!

Felix: But-

Drunk!Casca: You are all forbidden to befriend your Tributes!

Diana: But I want a new friend!

Vipsania: I need a new gym brother!

Pup: I want to sleep.

Coryo: I still want to eat.

Livia: I need someone to carry my very expensive diamond encrusted handbag while I do my makeup and shopping!

Everyone:. . .

Palmyra: So who wants to eat raw meat?😀

Drunk!Casca: Ugh! Why are you brats acting so dumb and difficult?!

Festus: Because we are?

Urban: I’m not dumb. I’m just difficult.

Drunk!Casca:. . .

Felix: Sir, the Reaping Ceremony-

Drunk!Casca: As the reaping progresses live, I will allocate each District Tribute a Capitol Mentor-

Palmyra: That’s us!😀

Drunk!Casca: Unfortunately.

Palmyra: Yey!

Drunk!Casca: But behind the scenes, you brats must persuade them to perform for the cameras-

Persephone: Can we perform with them?

Vipsania: I want to perform too!

Hilarius: I can play the guitar.

Gaius: We can start a band!

Io: I can juggle.

Domitia: Jasper, you can’t juggle.

Io: I can-

Domitia: You can’t.

Io: Coryo, give me your plate.

Coryo: Sure-

Domitia: Coryo, don’t.

Io: Jasper is sad now.😢

Festus: But can my Tribute and I have an epic dance battle on stage?

Drunk!Casca: You can’t perform with your Tributes!

Festus: Why not?! The crowd would love it-

Drunk!Casca: Creed, please! You’re making me want to quit my job so bad right now!😩

Festus: Isn’t that a good thing?

Drunk!Casca: Ugh! Let’s just get this over with-

Coryo: How about a sing-off battle?

Drunk!Casca: Fine! Do whatever you want! I don’t care anymore.

Everyone: Yey!🥳

Drunk!Casca: But let me just make this clear-

Felix: Can we wear costumes?

Hilarius: I wanna wear a onesie.

Persephone: Are fursuits allowed?

Drunk!Casca: *sighs* You can wear whatever you want as long as it’s appropriate.

Hilarius: Can I wear-

Drunk!Casca: Short shorts are not allowed.

Hilarius: How about-

Drunk!Casca: Mini skirts are also not allowed.

Hilarius: My mom-

Drunk!Casca: Your mother is not allowed to help you.

Hilarius: My old man-

Drunk!Casca: Creepy Mr. Heavensbee Sr. is banned from attending the show. Period.

Hilarius: So I’m alone?

Drunk!Casca: You’re on your own, kid.

Hilarius: But-

Drunk!Casca: You always have been.

Coryo: Can we cheat to win?

Drunk!Casca: Sure. Why not. Just don’t tell Dr. Gaul.

Dr.Gaul: I’m still here-

Dennis: Nice! *evil laughs*

Drunk!Casca: But don’t forget, your role is to turn these children into spectacles-

Palmyra: Like us!😄

Drunk!Casca: Unfortunately.

Apollo: What’s the prize?

Florus: Is it worth it?

Coryo: Is it money?

Hilarius: I want money.

Persephone: Food!

Iphigenia: Free therapy!

Domitia: A cow!

Io: Love!

Crack!Casca: No! Victory in the games doesn’t mean much if your Tribute doesn’t perform well.

Domitia: So no cow?

Crack!Casca: No. However, your entire future rests on this last project-

Coryo: Oh, thank Panem! Thank you, Panem for giving me a rich man to marry! I don’t need to think about winning some sh*tty game!

Sejanus: I’ll give you anything and everything, my love!😍

Coryo: I know, Babe. That’s why I love you and your daddy’s money.

Sejanus: Kiss?😘

Coryo: Kiss.

Drunk!Casca: No kissing and making love inside my hall!

Hilarius: Technically speaking, this is my family’s hall-

Drunk!Casca: My school, my hall!

Clemensia: Sir, your speech.

Drunk!Casca: Oh, yeah. Where was I?

Clemensia: Last project.

Drunk!Casca: Oh, that’s right! Let the Reaping Ceremony begin!

Felix: I can’t wait to make new friends!

Diana: Yey! New friends!

Drunk!Casca: District 1 boy Fabric goes to Liver Cardew!

Livia: Fabric?! My Tribute’s name is Facet, you drunk!

Drunk!Casca: I don’t care, Liver.

Livia: Ugh. I’m telling mother.

Drunk!Casca: District 1 girl Velvet Bean goes to Palmolive Monthly!

Palmyra: Yey!🥳

Florus: Sorrows and prayers.

Felix: May the odds be ever in poor Velvereen’s favor.😔

Drunk!Casca: District 2 boy Marius-

Sejanus: No.

Drunk!Casca: Walrus.

Sejanus: Still wrong.

Drunk!Casca: Like I care! Martin from 2 goes to boyfriend stealer Syllabus Plinth!

Sejanus: Coryo, look! That’s my first best friend!

Coryo: Babe, is he the one who keeps ignoring your letters?

Sejanus: Yup! He’s just shy.

Festus: I think Marcus just doesn’t like you-

Sejanus: He’s just shy!

Coryo: Whatever you say, my love.

Drunk!Casca: District 2 girl Cabin-

Florus: Sabyn.

Drunk!Casca: Sharyn.

Florus: Her name is Sabyn.

Drunk!Casca: Saber Salamander goes to Flower Friend!

Florus: It’s f*ckin’ Sabyn!

Drunk!Casca: Doubt. District 3 boy Circuit goes to I Owe Casper.

Io: Is he smart?

Drunk!Casca: You tell me. District 3 girl Tesseract goes to Turban-

Urban: How the f*ck does a simple name like Teslee become Tesseract?!

Drunk!Casca: That’s her name. Deal with it. District 4 boy Milton-

Persephone: Mizzen.

Drunk!Casca: Martian.

Persephone: Mizzenmast!

Drunk!Casca: The little gremlin from 4 goes to Miss Maid Stew!

Persephone: I hope he likes pizza.

Drunk!Casca: District 4 girl Carlo-

Festus: It’s Carl.

Coryo: Her name’s Coral.

Festus: I’m pretty sure it’s Carl.

Drunk!Casca: Toyota Corolla goes to Fetus Creed!

Festus: It’s Festus!

Drunk!Casca: District 5 boy Hyena goes to Tennis String.

Dennis: Cool.

Drunk!Casca: District 5 girl Solar Flare goes to the local grocer.

Iphigenia: Is that me?

Drunk!Casca: Unfortunately.

Iphigenia: Ok!☺️

Drunk!Casca: District 6 boy Oslo goes to Apple Ring.

Apollo: Nice!

Drunk!Casca: District 6 girl Jenny goes to Dino Ring.

Diana: My new friend!

Drunk!Casca: District 7 boy Leech goes to Insignia Sicko.

Vipsania: My new gym bro!

Drunk!Casca: District 7 girl Stamina Mina goes to Tiny Harry Tone.

Pup: She’s already crying.

Drunk!Casca: District 8 boy Bobby Corn Poppy goes to You Know Flips!

Juno: You gave me a peasant?!

Drunk!Casca: District 8 girl Winnie-

Hilarius: No.

Drunk!Casca: Little Whitney from 8 goes to the clown wearing short shorts!

Hilarius: Her name’s Wovey and my short shorts are fabulous!

Drunk!Casca: Good luck, Queen Bee. District 9 boy Panini Pablo goes to Bias Green.

Gaius: I hope he likes bread.

Drunk!Casca: District 9 girl Chief goes to the local kleptomaniac.

Androcles: Nice! A new partner in crime!

Drunk!Casca: District 10 boy Toner goes to the farmhand.

Domitia: I hope he likes cows.

Drunk!Casca: District 10 girl Brady-

Arachne: Brandy.

Drunk!Casca: Right. Candy goes to Acne Crane.

Arachne: Whatever. Like I care.🙄

Drunk!Casca: District 11 boy Reacher-

Clemensia: His name is Reaper.

Drunk!Casca: The Creeper Paper Meter goes to that annoying angry dove sitting right over there!👉

Clemensia: I’m so telling Capitol News about this.😠

Drunk!Casca: District 11 girl Drill goes to President Raven’s Bill!

Felix: That checks out.

Drunk!Casca: District 12 boy Jessie goes to our local drug deal-

Lysistrata: I sell vitamins!

Drunk!Casca: Doubt. District 12 girl Lucile-

Coryo: No.

Drunk!Casca: Suzy!

Coryo: Not even close.

Drunk!Casca: Louis!

Coryo: That’s still wrong.

Drunk!Casca: I don’t care! Juicy Bae Bird goes to Crassus Xanthos Snow!

Coryo: It’s Lucy Gray-

Drunk!Casca: Goosey Lay Beard is your Tribute, Honey! End of story!

Coryo: Sir-

Drunk!Casca: Crassus, my love, the Reaping Ceremony is finally over! Let’s go on a date!

Coryo: Nope. That’s illegal. I’m going home with my boyfriend.

Sejanus: I’ll go get the car, my love!😍

Coryo: Thank you, Babe. Let’s go.

Festus: Yeah. I’m also going to Seji’s place.

Lysistrata: Me too.

Felix: Thanks for the lamb stew.

Gaius: Peace!

Diana: But what about Mr. Lobster?!

Androcles: Don’t worry about it. The lobster is now secured.😏

Dennis: Andie, why is the lobster inside your bag?

Androcles: For security reasons.

Diana: Ok! Let’s go to Seji’s!

Felix: To the Plinth Mansion!

Everyone: Yey!🥳

Drunk!Casca: Yo, can I go-

Everyone: No!

[todayimfour]

IMMEDIATE FOLLOW-UP Please share Little Sun CG Moon thoughts as well please!!!

EEEEEEEE REGRESSER SUN HEAD CANNONS/kinda

This is in response to this post where I made a Cg Sun and Lil Moon Agere Board with lil headconnons bc I got inspired

Also sorry there's not much Moon... I uhhh don't have an excuse and I just realized that now. Sorry :3

- he's so high strung all the time, being smol is genuinely an escape for him. He's a carefree older toddler 3-6

- HE. LOVES. CRAFTS. (Supplies) paints, sequins, buttons, beads, twine, thread, glue, glitter, markers, crayons, pencils, you name it he's got a stach of it at his disposal at all times. Ready to make a *very pretty* mess hopefully on a piece of paper.

- he does his best to clean up after but there's usually a residue or a few markers that got left behind.

- he's kinda stubborn in a not bratty way.. ex: if he's hanging out with his favorite Glamrock, he never wants to leave! If he's building a block tower, he'll make the tallest one ever!! If he's got a crayon in his mouth and Moon tells him to spit it out, how can he? It's the best flavor!! That's a waste Moonie.. fiiiinneee :(

- he like to draw his friends and one time someone turned it around and said "imma draw YOU" it turned a playfull fight on who can draw who faster. (Side note, true story. I heard from friend after and I have his drawing if people wanna see it I'll ask him if it's okay I'll edit it in here)

- HES SO SILLY AND PLAYFUL. his favorite games are follow the leader *bonus points if the leader doesn't know they're the leader* he loves hide and seek too but sometimes he forgets to tell anyone that they're supposed to seek and then he gets sad

- he likes looking at balloons but hates when they make that gosh darn *balloon noises* they spook him when they pop too

- his favorite Glamrock is Monty. Full stop. No debate. No one's been able to get him to explain why, not even he knows, sometimes we just have favorites!

- no paci for him, he's a big boy!! Buuuutt... There's no shame in thumbs when he gets reeeeaaaalllllllyyyyyy sleepy and thinks no one's watching.

- speaking of: KEEP AN EYE ON HIM AT ALL TIMES!! Wether it's making a mess or climbing too high up on the jungle gym, if you don't keep an eye on him always he'll get up to something... He usually comes clean before anyone notices tho

- if you need him to sit still, GOOD FREAKING LUCK, but you may have some success with those ASMR slime videos. Don't let him watch too long tho because he may try to use the video as a tutorial.

- he absolutely loves those kids crafts kits you can buy at Walmart or target, never reads the instructions tho. It's usually just a fun time anyways, having a product at the end isn't necessary if he gets to be silly and make a mess.

~If this one feels more thorough than the lil Moon head cannons that's because it's a lot more accurate this time.. our alter Sun does regress sometimes and he's read though this for me to confirm he's okay with sharing and that's it's accurate! Some stuff that includes IRL friends have been made anonymous for their safety~

[lily-pythonz]

Hey if you wouldn't mind can you write

Monty x gn reader punishment like he walked in on reader pleasuring themself and punishes them

Remember to eat and drink

PUNISHMENT | MONTGOMERY GATOR

summary: You were having some private time, till you were caught.

a/n: reader is gn! Plus, first time writing for him! :")

warnings: masturbation, degradation, rough-oral sex, creampie, bit dirty talk, that's it lol.

You were in your room, pants and panties aside, while you were covering yourself up because you didn't want anyone to see.

"mm! Monty!" You moaned out loud, throwing your head back as you kept fingering yourself. You were so close to cumming until someone walked in on you.

You quickly turned your head, in shock and saw Monty, standing at the door. But, you were covered so he didn't see anything.

"M-Monty!! I can explain!!" You stuttered out, "There's nothin' to explain, uncover yourself." He said, mostly in a angry tone.

You did as he said and he saw that you had your fingers digged deep into your wet pussy, and the soaked sheets. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. What a dirty slut you are."

You loved when he degraded you, it always turned you on. That word, slut. Slut. Just thinking about it, made you clench around your fingers even tighter.

"Baby, why would you be doing this when I could've been fucking you? I think it's time I punish you." He growls.

"Monty please!" You whine. "you're such a naughty whore." He rasped. "Tonight, you're gonna learn a lesson."

Monty went over to you, and pounced on you, "Didn't think I could hear you moaning my name too, huh? Dirty whore."

You took your fingers out of your pussy, realizing you already came. Looking away from embarrassment, your cheeks a dark red.

"You came just by fingering yourself? Pathetic." He hisses.

Monty opened the hatch where his cock was and threw your legs over his shoulders, lining himself at your entrance. Slowly pushing himself in, when he was all the way in—-Monty gave you no time to adjust, "I'm gonna fuck you like the dirty slut you fuckin' are."

He then starts pounding into you, rough, and fast thrusts-–making you scream his name. "Fuck!! Monty!!" You cried out, as you clenched around him tighter. "Please cum in me, Monty!" You moan, mixed in with a whine.

"What makes you think I should? You've been naughty, unless you beg for me, then I might reconsider.." he groaned, with a smirk on his face. "Please just fuck me, Monty! I need to feel your warm seed in me! Just fucking cum in me! I need it!! Please!!" You begged.

"Good girl."

He thrusts became sloppier and faster, "I'm gonna cum, baby!" He moaned. "Me too! Mm!"

You both then cummed, feeling his warm seed fill you and spill out of you making you scream his name.

He pulled out, and lied on top of you. "You better not do that again, naughty girl. OR I will punish you." Monty said.

"I won't, I promise."

"Promise?"

"Promise!"

a/n: sorry if this looks rushed, it's not I promise but I hope you enjoy :)

[trashquisitor-shirozora]

Finally saw the season premiere of The Mandalorian.

More first/gut/spoiler reaction thoughts under the cut. I might have more thoughtful thoughts tomorrow (or never) but these are just my initial impressions. My opinions only, don't @ me.

that cannot be how jon dave favloni decided to explain away din's Season 3 goal. YOU DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT SCENES THEY KNOW NEVER HAPPENED IN SEASON 2?????????????

did no one vet this fucking planet or was the armored gator part of the ritual please someone fucking explain this shit to me like i'm five.

i see them gendered visors and i will never have peace (i understand from a design perspective but it's the 21st century, we should be moving away from this already)

WHERE IS THE "DIN DJARIN GETS A SHARD OF MANDALORE FROM A JAWA" ADVENTURE JON DAVE FAVLONI YOU CAN'T JUST THROW THIS SHIT AT US AND THINK IT'S OKAY

how did the jawa get their hands on it anyway how did it get off mandalore who went to mandalore

i am weak for space whales i am weak for all whales but that's just about it because i never watched Rebels

Nevarro is Disnehyland. Nevarro is Space Renn Faire. Nevarro lost everything that made that city/world so fucking interesting. They fucking gentrified it.

i get genres and i saw a wonderful glimpse of it in the confrontation with the pirates... the pirates fucking ruined the vibes tho. how dare.

actual serious thought: the whole thing with IG-11 is actually fucking grotesque and disgusting and I can't believe Jon Dave Favloni thought this was a good fucking idea. it's so gross. i can't get over it, especially when IG reverted to default programming and went after Grogu like it's Season 1 all over again.

it's fucking gross. it's so gross. what the fuck.

pirate designs were cool. the dialogue was not. who voices that pirate king. i swear i know that VA

Jon Dave Favloni out here fitting 3 whole episodes into 30 fucking minutes by cramming in a short scene with Bo-Katan and explaining why she's sitting around all depressed and alone with a droid standing watch outside

this is not a good look for mandalorians in general. i'm not getting the best impression here. getting strong Monty Python english peasants vibes. they'll follow just about anyone with a crackling black sword.

3 whole episodes into 30 fucking minutes Jon Dave Favloni have you ever heard of pacing. talk to the ghibli people. they know when to let a story take a deep, deep breath.

Episode 2 better slow down a bit and fucking tell a fucking story I swear.

the Volume was really strong in this one. I actually never paid too much attention to what effect Volume was having on these shows but when I started studying the screen caps for my most recent art post, it because pretty obvious what was going on and now I can't fucking unsee this shit

Episode 2 had better be better because omigod I feel like I've been clowned on. how old am i. what the hell even was this episode. who was it made for. what even are the stakes here.

re comparisons to Andor: no, i don't want this show to be exactly like Andor. we don't need every star wars show to be so steeped in politics and social commentary and have such a tense grim tone. what i wish is that every star wars show is handled with the same care and respect Andor's people show both to the star wars and to the fans and watchers. maybe that's why Andor consistently had the smallest audiences but the majority of the tweets, comments, and posts i've seen really appreciated what the show was doing. you can have a fun space western and also have some thoughtful commentary on diaspora and post-war societies! you can eat your cake if you just try!

that's it, that's the first reactions post

[lex-n-weegie]

No no, please ramble away! It's fun to hear other people's interpretations on the animatronics and the virus since the game doesn't give much info about them.

Anon I love you thank you for the ramble pass 🙏

Okay okay so what I'ma do is explain my personal interpretation of their personalities, then talk about how specifically the virus changes them. I'm also going to do a hypothetical infected Freddy, since there IS scrapped lines of his being affected and it's so damn interesting. It's all gonna be under read more because it's gonna be long no dout. I hope it's enjoyable to read haha

Oh also I'ma state this here: DJMM and the Mini MM aren't affected. The Minis are just territorial and DJMM just had a bouncer mode activated cause it seemed like the arcade was in danger. He chilled way out at the end lol

Chica

Starting off with Chica, she's absolutely the most peppy of the group. She's cheery, social, and ofc loves to work out. She's also a small foodie with weird taste buds, partly because of her robotic body. Think kind of like Amethyst from Steven Universe, who literally eats anything. Chica is kind of the same, but it's way more on the down low (and yes, she'd occasionally eat garbage. It happened on accident once and she surprisingly did not hate it). The main reason she'd do this stuff though was either to demonstrate the "working out while you eat" thing, or as a comfort food.

That's where the virus comes in. Since Chica always tries to be peppy and encouraging, she will accidentally hide some stress she's feeling, hench the comfort food. The virus specifically adds more constant stress, causing constant stress eating and "snapping" at others. She tries still to be peppy and kind, but after a bit of not eating she'll slip up more and more and act unpleasant. It's become an unpleasant addiction and so much a part of her life, that she's barely even realizing that it doesn't make her feel better anymore.

Roxanne

Might as well get the gals out of the way, so let's talk about Roxanne. She definitely the "cool girl" of the group. She races, is the best at many things, and sometimes is boastful. Of course though, she's also competitive, which is shown in the gator golf art actually. Though, she worries about her own appearance, and even more how she's seen by others. It was small enough though to actually encourage her to be better, be a good role model. That she was always proud of.

With the virus, it specifically makes that worry bigger. She knows she's not part of the original four, she's not Foxy, and she starts to worry if maybe that affects her popularity. So she tries harder. She never misses a "race," or a chance to prove she's better. She's so wrapped up in it, talking to herself in the mirror for hours on end, not even realizing what she's doing to affecting her popularity. You need to let kids have a small fighting chance, make them feel empowered, and she completely forgot about that essentially. Nothing she does is good enough, she can be better. It can be done better. Do it again.

Montgomery

Ooooh ho ho, I'm excited to talk about my gator boy. Especially since my version of him seems way different than a lot of others. For one, he's not mega aggressive, just trying to act tough and cool. He's trying to seem like the guy kids would feel "lucky" about being friends with. You know what I'm talking about, it's like being friends with a teacher or someone older than you, you feel cool just from that. Monty is actually quite chill, though a bit of a jerk sometimes. He doesn't pick up on certain social cues, likes to tease, and especially likes to fluster (he's done little joke flirts with parents who've been interested. Surprisingly, he's only been hit with a purse twice /hj).

Monty does however have a hatred for the staff. It's for a multitude of reasons, but part of it is that they all believe he's "better" by being part of the main band. He misses Bonnie man, why don't they care?! That's what the virus attaches to, making his anger grow and grow until it needs a physical outlet. Though funnily enough, unplanned by said virus, the workers have doubled the whole "this is good! You're better now!" Thing, thinking it helps him feel better. They think if they push him up to the top, he'll be happy. It makes the anger even stronger than the virus even intended.

Sun/Moon

Figured I should quickly talk about these two. I already talked about how I see them in a different post, so all I'll put here is how the virus gets them. Like I've said for Moon, his violent thoughts have won before, and he's seriously hurt people. He's gotten quieter, and more strict and mean. He's basically let himself "become the monster he always was." He's blocked Sun out completely and all other support systems. He's not happy and believes he deserves to live that way. Interestingly enough to though, he's found himself doing things to please Sun, such as cleaning up.

Sun's little worries and anxiety have suddenly shot up through the roof. Something's happening with Moon and he can't stop it or help. He knows about the "accidents" that have actually happened, which makes him even MORE worried. He knows he can do nothing, as management has been rude to them for awhile and would probably just take Moon away instead try to help or fix him. So, as such, Sun does every little thing he can to make him happy. And funnily enough, part of that is cleaning up the Daycare, meaning they both do it for each other without realizing it(again Moon as completely blocked Sun out by now). Another part is keeping the lights off, even going as far as to make it the only rule so little kiddos would be more focused on doing things they're not normally allowed. Naptime in the dark was now banned, and new eye masks are littered around the Daycare and PizzaPlex.

Freddy

Freddy is, using simple terms, a himbo. He cares for everyone, and is always gentle and caring. Kids have called his father, brother, even uncle. No one is safe from this man's love, he doesn't judge anyone at all in the slightest. He's the type of bear people want to follow behind, hench his leader position. He's a good leader and helper, even a protector, but unfortunately sometimes he's clueless on the bigger, deeper stuff. When everyone starts getting affected by the virus, and all at once, he finds it's too much for him to handle or fix. He wants his friends happy and safe.

And that's exactly what the virus attaches to. It takes his leadership, his want to protect others, and ups it up to what I would call evil levels. As in, "it's fine what I'm doing because I'm doing it for a good cause." He has a mission and is sticking to it like his life depends on it. If he believes your death will help in some sort of way, you best be running.

[casspurrjoybell-17]

HEART'S DESIRE - CHAPTER 35

*Warning: Adult Content*   

Kit Montaine swallows, not even wanting to think about what could happen to them.

"Martin. You have to let us go. Undo this, get us out of here. If we all stand together, we have a chance."

Martin Hunter bunches his fingers in his hair. 

"But the kids..." he explains.

"Are they here?" Kit asks.

Martin shakes his head. 

"Their uncle has them."

"But they're safe, right?"

"Elena says so but..."

"Please... please, Martin," Kit begs. 

"Take us back home. I know Elena hurts you, I understand the fear. But if you just explain, everyone will forgive you, I'm sure of it. Don't do this to Dane or Monty. Please."

Martin’s face pinches with pain and tears fill his eyes and then, to Kit’s surprise and relief, he nods. 

Pulling a key from his pocket, Martin comes towards Kit and drops to his knees at his back, working to free his hands.

"We won't have much time," he says, breathlessly. 

"Elena's..."

"Martin."

A sharp voice cracks the air like a whip and Martin startles, dropping the key and knocking Kit to the side in his surprise. 

Kit lands with a strangled grunt, the chain digging into his throat and stares up at the open doorway. 

Elena stands there, with Jake Nash at her back. Martin makes a frightened, desperate sound and fumbles helplessly for the dropped key.

"Down, dog," Jake yells, striding forward and hauling Martin away from Kit. 

He throws Martin to the floor, who scrambles to get up but is kicked in the side and collapses to his hands and knees. 

"I said, down," Jake snaps and this time, Martin does obeys.

"I can't leave you alone for five minutes, can I?" Elena says, hands on her hips. 

"Weak-minded fool."

Kit struggles to sit up again, heart racing, as she approaches the bed. 

She wears a stethoscope and puts the earpieces in as she leans over Julian and the twins, listening to their chests. 

Satisfied, she straightens, looping the stethoscope back around her neck.

"They're in good health," she says. 

"We can keep them like this as long as needed. As for this one..."

She looks at Kit and frowns.

"Well, you weren't part of the plan. Trust this idiot to muck things up," she complains, nodding towards Martin.

"What choice did I have?" he asks, sitting up carefully. 

"He saw me. He knew."

Elena shrugs. 

"You could have killed him. Left his body for someone else to find."

The coldness in her voice chills Kit and Martin looks aghast. 

"He's my brother's mate, Elena."

"So?" she questions, nodding at Julian. 

"You betrayed your Alpha, kidnapped his mate and children and attacked your own father. You're surprisingly capable, when properly motivated."

Martin looks ill. 

"I want to see the kids," he says. 

"I want to know they're safe."

She rolls her eyes. 

"They're perfectly safe. Far safer than they would be, here. Honestly, I don't know why you care so much. You know half of them aren't even yours."

Martin's face greys and a spark of anger finally flickers to life in his eyes.

"They are mine," he says. 

"They're mine because I raised them and I love them. It's you who hardly has a claim on them. I've been father and mother to them, while you..."

Elena steps forward and strikes Martin across the face and Kit flinches at the sharp crack of skin on skin. 

Martin lifts his head and glares up at her and she strikes him again, harder this time. 

She raises her hand once more, waiting for him to defy her a second time but he keeps his head bowed, blood seeping from a cut on his cheek.

"That's better." Elena says, massaging her palm and glances at Jake. 

"You see the level of pathetic I have to deal with."

"My condolences," he drawls.

"You've been working with them all along?" Kit asks, finding his voice at last. 

"With Jake? With Ferrault?"

She narrows her eyes at Kit. 

"Our interests happen to align."

"Why?" Martin breathes with a whimper, devastation on his face. 

"Why are you doing this? Why throw away everything we have without a fight?"

"Everything we have?" she sneers. 

"Go on, tell me, Martin, what is it we have?"

"A family. Children. A home," he replies, his breath catching. 

"Each other."

She laughs. 

"Stop fooling yourself. I never loved you and you know it. I mated with you for a place in your Pack, the famous Hunters." 

She makes a sound of derision. 

"Little did I know. Your parents were among the strongest Alphas alive, both from long, noble lineages. It made sense to join our blood. Then they failed to live up to their side of the bargain."

"What do you mean?" Martin asks.

"Don't be naive. When a Wolf joins another Pack through a Mating, it's tradition for that Pack to arrange a reciprocal match. It strengthens the bonds and preserves the balance of power. My brother made an offer for your youngest sister but your parents refused."

"He did?" Martin blinks, incredulously. 

"For Ingrid? But she was barely sixteen when we were Mated."

"Case in point," Elena lifts a brow. 

"They said she wasn't old enough and they wouldn't arrange a match for her, anyway. I expected my brother to exact revenge but to my surprise, he told me to bide my time. 'We will wait,' he said. 'The time will come to make our move.' So, I waited and watched as your parents' Pack degenerated around me through mixed Mating's and worse." 

She glances at Kit and Julian. 

"Not to mention that other 'sister' of yours."

"Don't you talk about her," Martin snaps, a little bit of fire returning to his eyes again as he fights his way to his feet. 

"Don't talk about any of my family that way."

Jake moves towards him but Elena waves him off, addressing Martin with a cold smile.

"Your family? You think they're still your family after what you've done? They'll curse you with their dying breaths. As for you, if you continue to cooperate and if you're lucky, my brother will keep you as a slave, you might even get to see 'your' children grow up."

Martin shakes his head. 

"I thought you were doing this for them," he says.

"But I am. Once this land belongs to Ferrault, I'll dissolve my union with you and take Jake as my Mate. Together, we'll rule and hold Ferrault's power for him as he continues his path to domination."

"But you're not Alphas," Martin protested.

"No. But that is what Ferrault has discovered, Alphas are born but Dires are made. We will gain power through the Hunt, as he has. Why do you think he wants you so badly? And now, with three Fae..."

She looks at the sleeping trio and Kit’s heart seizes with sudden dread and fear.

"I won't help you," Martin says, with unexpected defiance. 

"If the kids are safe, that's all I care about, now. Dane and the others will figure out what you've done and they'll get word to your brother. They'll tell him to keep the kids away, no matter what happens with Ferrault."

Martin’s eyes flash with certainty but even as he speaks, Kit’s heart goes cold and Elena's laugh confirms his suspicion.

"But haven't you guessed, yet?" she asks, smiling. 

"My brother is Ferrault."

[glambots]

Glamrock Freddy, Monty, Sun and Moon getting flirted with HC’s please?

🎩Glamrock-Freddy + "Being Flirted With" HCs: 🎩

⭐He can be pretty oblivious to when people are flirting with him. To Freddy, a compliment is a compliment! It's only unless you're being Incredibly Obvious about the fact that you're flirting, or someone else points it out, that he'd even realize it Was flirting and not just You Being Nice. And even then, he's still a little bit doubtful. He doesn't want to mistakenly jump to conclusions!

⭐That being said, if he doesn't know you that well and he'd prefer to maintain a platonic/professional relationship with you, he'll probably still thank you (being the polite sweetheart that he is), but not reciprocate. He does his best to let you down gently, not wanting to do anything to accidentally "lead you on." He's still flattered, he just...doesn't feel the same way.

⭐But, if he is close with you and is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship (i.e.: he's got a Big Ol' Honkin' Crush), he'd get very flustered, very fast. Stumbling over his words, trying to hide his face, ears wiggling a mile-a-minute. And he always makes sure to return the compliments, hoping desperately that he's not misreading the situation and that you are, in fact, Flirting with him.

🐊Montgomery Gator + "Being Flirted With" HCs🐊

⭐He's very good at being able to tell when someone is flirting with him. It's like someone hard-wired it into his system. Mostly because, as is the popular HC, Monty is also a huge flirt. Doesn't matter who you are--if he thinks you're cute, he's going to flirt with you. The man's got hordes of groupies because of his flirtatious "tendencies" and Vanessa's job is not made any easier because of it.

⭐That being said, if he's not into you, he'll make it known off-the-bat. He'll usually try to go about things in a nicer way, but if you're persistent he'll end up snapping and just tell you to "Screw off" (or something similar). He's not interested, sorry. This is said, dripping with sarcasm and absolutely no room for debate. And don't make him repeat himself, or things might get nasty.

⭐Still, if he's into you even the smallest amount, he's gonna lay it on Thicc. Like, so much that it makes people do double-takes because, "Is he even allowed to say that???" The second-hand embarrassment the other band members feel is immeasurable. Why does he have to do this every time. By the end of the encounter, you're left a total blushing, stuttering mess, no matter how cool you started off.

☀️Sunnydrop + "Being Flirted With" HCs:☀️

⭐Sunny...SUCKS at being able to tell when people are flirting with him. Seriously, it'd take a miracle for him to actually be able to tell. Compliments, touching, he takes it all in stride as you just being a Nice Person and Good Friend. Even if someone tried to explain it to him, he'd just be like, "Oh, I doubt that! They're just being nice! :)" (You are...Suffering. He's lucky he's so damn cute.)

⭐If he doesn't feel the same, he won't go out of his way to stop you or anything (after all, he thrives on positive reinforcement), but he also won't respond in any way other than platonically. Pats on the head, side-hugs, thanking you for the compliments, all the polite things. Unless you push it, then he's going to have to ask you to very gently take a step back with things.

⭐And if he Does feel the same, not only does he respond to everything you do like a flustered schoolgirl (complete with hiding his face and giggling like a dork), but he tries to reciprocate as much as possible. He's much more affectionate, always reminding you of how much he appreciates and adores you, making excuses to hang all over you and give you gifts--it can be a bit much, but he's just so genuinely happy that you have a hard time saying no.

🌙Moondrop + "Being Flirted With" HCs:🌙

⭐Unlike Sun, Moon can tell when someone is flirting with him. He just doesn't know how to handle it. He usually either ignores them, laughs at them, or leaves the situation entirely. Sometimes two of those consecutively. Which two? You choose! He's emotionally and physically repressed, it's honestly a miracle that he can recognize the signs of flirting at all.

⭐Like I mentioned above, if he's not reciprocative of the sentiment, he'll just leave or ignore the person in-question. If they press the issue, he'll eventually get annoyed and just reject them to their face. Sometimes he does it "nicely." Sometimes...he can be a little mean. Moon just doesn't know how to handle these sorts of things in a "sensitive" way. He mostly relies on his instincts. And, more often than not, his instincts tell him to go on the defensive.

⭐If he does feel the same way, he's still going to be a little defensive. Which turns into offense. Most of his attempts at flirting come off more as teasing...sometimes even straight-up bullying. He is slightly more physically affectionate, always sneaking up behind you to scare you when you least expect it, tugging at your hair and clothes, sometimes even just straight-up grabbing you. It's the emotional vulnerability part that he has the most trouble with.

[13-reasons-ideas]

Hey, I love your stories and your style of writing 💕 I was wondering if you could write one on Scott Reed, along the storyline of the series, where the reader was Jeff's girlfriend until his death, and Scott is there by her side and starts to get along with her, but he's hesitant to make a move because he was pretty close to Jeff as well?

MOVING FORWARD? 

A/N: Trigger warning: character death. I hope you like this. I tried to focus more on the process of moving forward with little snippets. I’m sorry this took a while, I had to make the parts flow together and it was challenging. I wrote and rewrote it a few times. Sorry if spacing is off, I tried to fix it as best I could. You’ll want tissues and maybe a snack. It’s a long one. 

SEPTEMBER

“Babe, you don’t have to go. I can go get more beer. You stay here with your friends.” I asked Jeff, who was getting his coat to go on a beer run. Jessica’s party was in full swing and everyone was here. Even Clay Jensen came, to most people’s surprise.

“(Y/N), I’m good. I’ve been drinking Coke all night. I’ll see you in a few. I love you.”

I sighed as I looked up at his beaming face, “okay, fine. I’ll see you in twenty. Drive safe, I love you too.” I kissed him softly and watched as he jogged out to the car to run to Blue Spot. I decided to go off in search of my friends and found them in the kitchen, arguing with Scott and Monty about who should get the last beer.

“Ah, finally. Someone who can break the stalemate. (Y/N), who do you think should get it?” Scott asked me.

“Easy. Me.” I smiled, taking the bottle from the table and opening it.

“But- you… you don’t even like beer.” Layla stuttered.

“I know, but it saves me from watching the four of you argue until Jeff gets back. I’m sure you can last,” I checked my watch, “fourteen minutes without a beer.” The boys groaned and Layla turned to Katie, sighing dramatically. I shook my head as I walked away.

I was alone for a while, just wandering the house. I had seen Clay run out of the party a while ago, followed by Sherri and Hannah a while after that. I played with my necklace, a gift from Jeff for our first anniversary, just people watching, the bottle of Coors still full in my hand. My phone buzzing in my pocket pulled me from my thoughts. “hello?” I asked, not bothering to look at who was calling. I assumed it was Jeff calling to confirm how much beer he needed to get.

“(Y/N)? (Y/N/N)- you- oh fuck.”

“Who is this?”

“I-it’s Clay. (Y/N) you… oh god. I called 911 already. There’s been an accident.” No. No no no. Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say. “J-Jeff.” His voice cracked. I heard sirens in the distance. I felt as though I was frozen. “Th-the police are here; they want to talk to me. They’re calling his parents. Oh god (Y/N/N). I have to go.”

“Clay. Clay wait. What happe-.” I tried to ask. He hung up before I could get any words out. It was almost like I had an out of body experience. I lowered my phone and felt the full bottle fall from my grip, shattering on the floor. No one was around to notice, or at least, I couldn’t see if there was. I had tunnel vision. Jeff… he can’t… no.

I blinked quickly a few times to try and make my vision normal, as well as keeping the welling tears from falling. Need to find sports boy. I couldn’t think of the proper words. Walking back towards the kitchen, I scanned the room for someone in a varsity jacket or a face I could identify as an athlete, hell, I scanned for Monty’s plaid shirt. Something like this should trump the stupid fight we had earlier today. I spotted him over by the fridge, talking to some girl. “Monty.” I said quietly as I approached him. He didn’t hear me. “Monty.” I tried again, a little louder. He still didn’t hear me, or he heard me and chose to ignore it. “Montgomery.” I said louder, my voice cracking and placing a hand on his bicep. He froze for a second.

“One second.” He told the girl he was putting the moves on. I watched him turn to face me. As soon as he saw my face, his mouth closed, and his brow furrowed. “(Y/N), are you okay?” Monty asked me, his eyes softening and his demeanor changing almost immediately. I couldn’t get any words out now that I had found someone to tell. I just shook my head and waved my arms awkwardly. “(Y/N/N), did something happen? What happened?”

I opened my mouth and my voice cracked. It felt like my throat was trying to open around a peach pit. “J-Jeff….” Was all I could say. My face crumpled and my eyes squeezed shut, trying my damnedest to keep from crying or screaming. “He… there was an accident.” Monty’s entire face dropped.

“What kind of accident?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s good Monty. We have to… I have to….” I trailed off, trying to find the words to explain that we needed to leave.

“(Y/N) you need to breathe. Let’s go find the guys. Come on.” He said, his face hardening as he pulled me along beside him. I turned to look at the girl he walked away from. She looked royally miffed.

“Scott. Where’s Bryce?” Monty asked his friend. I stood behind him, clutching his shirt tightly to keep myself upright. Had it been any other time, I think he would have minded.

“I don’t know, I think he went upstairs. Why?”

“We need to go.”

Scott looked between Monty and I. “Uh… do you need permission to leave now or something?”

“No Scott. We need to go.” Scott looked at me again and he seemed to register the look on my face as not simply having too much to drink. Monty leaned forward to whisper something to Scott. His eyes widened and he sucked in a deep breath.

“Okay. Uh… I’m good to drive, so you go upstairs and look for Bryce and Justin and whoever else. I’ll take (Y/N) to the car.” I clutched Monty’s shirt tighter.

“(Y/N), you need to let go. I’ll be right back. Go with Scott.” He told me, prying my fingers off his person. I heard myself hum and felt Scott guide me out to the car.

He opened the door and guided me to sit down in the passenger seat. “Do you want some water?” he asked, squatting down to my level. I nodded and he went around to the driver’s side. I turned to watch him root around in his gym bag for a water bottle. He walked back around to me and handed me the fresh bottle. I opened it and took a small sip. He watched me, steadying it when I shook too much. My phone rang again, and I looked down to see who it was. Jeff’s mom was calling. “Hello?” I asked, timidly.

“(Y/N)? Darling, you need to come to the hospital. There was an accident.” She told me, her voice shaking. I could tell she was trying to get the words out without crying.

“I know. Clay called me. We will be there soon.” I looked up as I saw the group of athletes walking out, confused and somber looks on their faces. Scott waved them over. “Okay. We are on our way to the regional hospital. Let one of us know when you get there and we will come down to get you.”

I nodded before realizing that she couldn’t see me. “Mhmm. I will.” I squeaked before hanging up. I felt several dozen eyes on me as I stared at my lap. “They’re going to the regional hospital.” Was all I said as I turned myself forward and shut the door. It was quiet for a few moments before Scott came around and started the car.

Neither of us spoke until we were about halfway to the hospital. I felt my stomach churn the closer we got. “You need to pull over.” I told Scott stiffly.

“You okay (Y/N)?” he asked, his eyes darting to me and back to the road.

“Pull over now.” I ground out, trying to keep from heaving.

“Okay, just a second.” He signalled to pull over and stopped the car. In a matter of seconds, I had the door open and was hunched over on the side of the road, throwing up in the ditch. Diego and Monty pulled over as well when they saw me, and I heard Diego call from the Jeep.

“Is she okay? Or like… she’s okay?”

I groaned. “I’ve got her, you guys go on ahead.” Scott called back. I wiped my mouth and stood up straight, sending Monty a thumbs up. He nodded and merged back into traffic. I walked back to the car, taking a gulp of water, swishing and spitting it on the road.

“We can go.” I said and it was quiet again.

Arriving at the hospital and calling Jeff’s mom was a blur. It was also a blur waiting for the doctor and watching his parents argue that I should be there to hear what was happening. I stared at the wall blankly while I waited for news. Some of the guys whispered around me, others prayed, others like me, stared blankly. Finally, the doctor agreed to let me listen and I walked over at the wave of a nurse. The nurse took me into the small room I remembered being in when I was young, and my grandma had passed.

“Mr. and Mrs. Atkins, Miss (Y/L/N). I am very sorry to have to tell you this, but Jeff passed away at the scene of the accident. I am sorry for your loss.” I closed my eyes as his mom dropped to the floor and screamed. His dad dropped and pulled his distraught wife into his arms. I took a breath and turned to run from the room. I ran down the hall, ignoring the group in the waiting room. “(Y/N), wait.” I heard someone call behind me. I ignored them. I also ignored the footsteps following me. I have to get out of here was running over and over in my head. I stopped running when I got outside and bent over, placing my hands on my knees. I gulped the air, trying to slow my heartrate and put off the impending breakdown.

“(Y/N)?” a voice spoke from behind me. I shook my head. I knew who was talking to me, but I couldn’t make myself speak. “Come here.” Bryce said gently, as though I was a fawn he was trying to approach without spooking. I still couldn’t say anything. His hand gently touched my back and rubbed in circles. I began to stand up and his arms immediately went around my middle to support my weight in the event that I couldn’t stand up. He held me for a few minutes, while I shook and tried not to cry. I noticed Justin standing at the doors with a broken yet menacing look on his face.

“He’s gone.” I whispered quietly into the blond’s shoulder.

“I know. Let’s go back inside, yeah? Get you some water and have someone take you home?” I hummed as he tucked me under his shoulder, supporting my weight.

The group of heartbroken boys were still in the waiting room with Jeff’s parents. I couldn’t bring myself to make eye contact with them. Monty walked up to Bryce and took me from him.

“I’ll take her home.”

“Stay with her.” Diego told him, placing a hand on my shoulder and squeezing. Monty nodded and took his flannel off, wrapping me up in it. I took one last look at his parents before turning and walking away, not daring to think of how I was going to have to begin the grieving process for my boyfriend.

I walked up to the school doors on Monday morning and stood there, just looking at it. I was early so there weren’t many people outside, but those who were, stared at me and whispered to each other. Jeff’s baseball shirt hung off my thin frame and my black yoga pants hugged my curves, hidden by the shirt. It seemed to be bigger than it was a few days ago. “Are you going to go inside, or do you want to cut today?” Monty asked from behind me.

I jumped slightly. “I’ll be there in a minute. I have to be here today.”

“Okay. I’ll wait with you.” He stood beside me quietly until I was ready to walk in. I took a step forward and then another, and another. He fell into step beside me. People stared as I walked in. I guess I should get used to it.Principal Bolan and Mr. Porter were waiting for me at the main office.

“(Y/N), if there is anything the school can do, just let me know and I will handle it.” The principal said. Yeah, sure you will.

“Thank you.” I replied, quietly. He nodded and walked back into his office. The appeasing statement has been made. Let’s not appear to care too much.

“(Y/N), you don’t need to be here today. You’ve suffered a great loss. Your teachers would understand why you weren’t here.” Mr. Porter offered.

I stared at him. Is he serious? “I know you’re trying to help and that’s great. But I do need to be here today.” I explained.

“Why?”

“I heard he was drinking, and she let him get in the car anyway.” A girl I had never met muttered to her friend as she passed me. Monty must have seen my features darken and he placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing. I gestured to Mr. Porter.

“That is why. I need to get ahead of this. Jeff is-,” I caught myself, “was a wonderful and well-loved young man, but the kids at this school don’t care about that. If I wasn’t here, the rumors would be even worse.”

Mr. Porter nodded; he had been here long enough to know how people were. “Alright, but if you want to talk or decide you need to go home, come let me know.” I nodded at him and together, Monty and I walked to my locker.

“Did he really say, ‘you don’t need to be here today’? Like he actually fucking said that?” I asked.

“Yup. I heard it too.” Monty said, shaking his head. Clay stopped us in the hall, and I tried to smile at him. It came out as more of a grimace.

“Hey Clay. How’re you doing?”

“I don’t know. How are you doing?”

“I changed my shirt this morning. So that’s something I guess.” I shrugged.

“I’m really sorry (Y/N).”

“I know. Me too. Jeff really liked you, you know.”

“Yeah.” Neither of us knew what else to say. “I uh… I’ll see you around?”

“You will. Let me know if,” I paused, “if you want to talk sometime.”

“Okay.” He nodded before making his way to wherever it is that Clay Jensen spends his time. I tried to ignore the whispers as I sighed.

“This day isn’t going to get any easier.” I muttered. Monty shrugged as we walked. No one else really said anything to me as we walked, all of them grieving in their own ways.

“She isn’t left alone today, okay?” I heard Bryce tell the rest of the athletes, who had crowded around my locker. I had to stop myself from speaking up and telling him that I’m not a child and I can take care of myself. Instead, I readjusted my bag on my shoulder.

“Hey Bryce. Guys.” I greeted somberly.

“Hey (Y/N).” Bryce greeted, equally as somberly. He pulled me into a slightly awkward but understandable hug. Bryce hugs people when they aren’t in shock? This is probably one of the strangest interactions I’ve had with Bryce Walker since… ever. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just patted his back gently. He pulled away and the group made room for me to get to my locker.

“You can all stop staring at me any time. It’s kind of creepy.” I said as I gathered my things. “I know this is a hard day for all of us, but that doesn’t mean you need to stare like everyone else.” When I turned back, they were still looking at me. “Seriously, stop. I’m not going to do anything stupid. I will however, go to my stupid physics class and learn about the laws of motion.” I put my textbooks in my bag and began walking away from my friends. When I didn’t hear any of them following, I turned around. “You coming Diego? Hutcher will get all bent out of shape if we are late, even under these circumstances.”

“I guess so, yeah.” He mumbled, confused before quickly catching up with me.

Between the sad looks from teachers, the boys and their girlfriends following me everywhere, and the whispers from students, my patience with today was beginning to wear thin. It was around lunch time when I heard two girls talking to each other. They must not have noticed I was walking past.

“She really seems to be milking this grieving girlfriend thing.”

“Lizzie, it’s been three days, give her a break. I wonder what it was like. Must have been-.” I had finally had enough.

“What what was like? What part would you like to know about? The part where I begged him not to leave? Or when I got a phone call from a kid freaking out? Would you like to know about what it was like gathering all the guy at that party and going to the hospital? Because it turns out a brother dying sobers you up pretty quick.” I paused and looked at their expressions. “No. No you don’t want to know about that. You want to know what it was like listening to his mom scream and cry and beg God to bring her son back. You want to hear about how I haven’t eaten in three days because I’ve been crying so much I can’t keep food down. And how everyone is staring at me and whispering because apparently Jeff Atkins’ death is inconvenient for them.” Before I could continue, I felt arms going around my waist and I was being pulled back.

“Easy there Ticat.” Scott Reed spoke into my ear. I struggled for a moment and he wrapped his arms around my waist tighter. Finally, I relaxed, and he let go. I watched him turn to the girls.

“She lost her boyfriend three fucking days ago. We lost a brother. Have some goddamn respect.” He scoffed and shook his head as he grabbed the bag I dropped and led me towards the door. The girls looked as though he slapped them as we walked away. He passed me his phone as we walked. “Call Monty.” I did as he said and put it on speaker.

“Hello?” Monty answered.

“Hey. I’m taking (Y/N) home.”

“Why? Is she okay?” He asked.

“She is. At least as okay as we can expect. It’s everyone else that’s the problem.” He grumbled.

“What happened?”

“I’ll explain later. Tell Porter she had to go home for me?”

“I will. Keep me posted?”

“Will do. Bye.” He took the phone from my hand and hung up. We had arrived at his car and he seemed to have calmed down a bit. “So, home?” I blinked at him, not totally understanding the question. “Where do you live?” He clarified, slowly.

“Oh uh… just off Lincoln and sixth.” I replied. He nodded and got in the car. I followed suit and stared out the windshield. “That was… something.”

“Yeah well it’s been a long day.”

“I think they’ll be long for a while.”

“Me too.” He replied, sadly. “You don’t want to go home do you?” he asked, suddenly. I was quiet for a while before answering.

“Not really no. My parents are at work and they’ve just been hovering since Monty brought me home. But it’s so quiet.”

“I can stay if you want. I’m not the greatest cook in the world but I can manage soup broth.”

“You don’t want to go home?”

“No. Bryce may be a dick a lot of the time, but he’s right. You shouldn’t be left alone today. And I can guarantee that I am far better company than some of the other guys. We don’t have to talk or anything. If you’re not comfortable with that, I can call Monty back or one of your other, uh… friends?”

“You mean Layla and Katie? They aren’t really my friends. Have you seen or heard from them today at all? Because I haven’t.”

“I haven’t. Why do you hang out with them then?”

“Why do you spend time with Bryce Walker, Scott?”

“Fair point.” He replied, dropping the subject.

We got closer to my house and I spoke again. “It’s the slightly darker grey one up ahead here.”

“As opposed to the slightly lighter grey houses?” Scott joked. It was a really bad joke, but I felt myself start to smile slightly for the first time in days.

“Well, yeah.” I stated, biting the inside of my lip slightly to keep a straight face. He must have caught himself smiling slightly too because he quickly relaxed his face back to the somewhat somber expression, we all wore today.

“Heard that one before?”

“Yeah. Jeff joked about it a lot.” I smiled sadly at the memory. We were silent again as he pulled into my driveway and we walked to the door. Our stuff was arranged neatly by the door and we made our way through the house to the kitchen. Evidently, he wasn’t kidding about the soup thing.

“Okay, where do you keep your pots?” He asked, clapping his hands together.

“Bottom cupboard by the stove.” I pointed. I’m really not hungry and this really isn’t a good idea. He nodded and set to work searching the kitchen for ingredients.

I decided to leave him be as he fell into what was clearly his zone. When I was upstairs, I decided it might be time to have a shower and clean some of the sadness off of me. It doesn’t work like that (Y/N). I shook my head. You think I don’t know that? I just need to do something that feels normal. Once I was showered and changed into a clean sweatshirt and bike shorts, I made my way downstairs. At the sound of my footsteps, Scott looked up. “I made you a sandwich. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want, but it’s there.” I nodded and sat at the island in front of the bowl of hot soup broth. I took a timid sip from my spoon and sighed. This is really good.

“Thank you.” I muttered quietly. He nodded at me as he took a bite of his own sandwich. We ate in silence across from each other. Scott wasn’t lying when he said we didn’t have to talk if I didn’t want to. Once our lunch was done, he pulled out a notebook and did some homework at the table while I turned on the tv at a low volume, pretending to be interested in some soap opera that had been on longer than I’d been alive. Just like this morning, I pretended not to notice his not so discreet looks to check on me. He didn’t leave until just before my mom got home from work. We bid each other a slightly awkward goodbye and I breathed a sigh of relief that I could finally be alone for a few minutes.

The next couple of days at school weren’t much better. Bryce was still being… nice, which I found slightly odd. It wasn’t nice in a creepy way or anything like that. He seemed to genuinely be nice. He walked me to my first class since his was next door, keeping a respectable distance between us at all times. If he saw me in the halls, he would wave at me or nod in acknowledgement. At first, I thought he was being weird, but when I talked to Monty about it, he just shrugged. “This might be how he’s choosing to grieve. Focus on being nice to you and making sure you know someone is there.”

“I get that, but its Bryce. Usually when he’s nice to a girl….”

“I know. He’s annoying and says stupid shit. But he’s my best friend. I know him. He’s actually trying to be nice to you. Jeff was his friend.”

I sighed. “Okay. I’m not going to start hanging out with him or anything though. If he’s your best friend, what does that make me?”

“My person or whatever.” He muttered, going back to his geometry problem.

“I knew you paid attention when we watched that.” I muttered as I went back to my biology notes.

The stares weren’t much different, but it seemed like it had started really setting in for people by now. Jeff Atkins, one of their classmates, their idols, their friend, was gone. The snarky whispers stopped, but I wasn’t sure if that was because of my outburst on Monday morning or not. I noticed Hannah Baker watching me at my locker during breaks, but I didn’t pay much mind to it. She’s the girl Clay is in love with and Jeff wanted them to get together sure, but that girl had more going on than met the eye. Jessica and Justin seemed more lovey than usual which sucked to watch but whatever works for them I suppose. Justin and Bryce’s relationship seemed kind of off, but I attributed it to some stupid high school bullshit or having different ways of dealing with death. Diego and I hadn’t ever been super close or friendly at all, but he was friends with Jeff and Monty, so I had been around him. When we stopped to talk in the halls or anything, he talked to me just like he always had. We kept it to small talk and school related topics. I was grateful he wasn’t walking on eggshells and trying not to say the wrong thing.

Scott Reed was the one person I couldn’t wrap my head around though. We were kind of sort of friends. More than acquaintances, but not friends, friends. More, you’re friends with my boyfriend and best friend so that’s something, friends. We had also worked on group projects together in the past. He seemed to be stuck between trying to help me and being scared to talk to me. I would catch him looking at me from his locker but he would look away quickly in the mornings, but then at lunch or when the halls were quiet, he would try to make me smile or laugh. It was very confusing, especially with my head being so clouded by grief. I knew he wasn’t trying to make any moves or anything. It’s probably just the way he’s processing things. Maybe he’s trying to avoid the issue and this is how he wants to do it. We didn’t mention our afternoon at my house on Monday, nor did he insert himself into any grief related outbursts that may or may not have occurred in the last few days. You need to stop thinking so much. This is too much to deal with right now.

** **

I hadn’t retained anything we had talked about in school this week. I was too busy dreading this day. I stared at the classic black dress hanging on the door of my closet. It stared back, mockingly. I was in my room, hair freshly curled and pulled out of my face, neutral makeup on, doing all I could to not think about what my plans for the day were going to be just over a week ago. It was shocking how fast plans could change. Instead of a relaxing walk and maybe a game of catch with my boyfriend before dinner, I was getting dressed for his funeral. I rolled my eyes up to try to keep the tears at bay for just a little longer. A knock at my door redirected my attention. “Hey.” Monty said from the door. He leaned against the door frame, likely wrinkling his black suit.

“Hey.” I replied. I sighed and shook my head.

“Are we getting dressed or are we going to stand here hoping it dresses you on its own?” he asked, stepping into my room.

“I don’t know.”

“Your folks are downstairs waiting for you.”

“That’s good.”

“Do you want a drink?” I turned around to face him as he pulled a silver flask out of his inside jacket pocket.

“No. Need to be sober for this.”

He nodded and took a swig of whatever it contained. Today wasn’t the day to argue with him about drinking before eleven. “Do you need help with the dress or are you good?”

“I think I’ll need you to zip it up.” I muttered, motioning for him to sit on my bed as I took the dress off its hanger, going into my closet to change. I didn’t look in the mirror as I passed it on the way to my bed. He zipped it up deftly. I again, decided not to make a comment about how he wasn’t usually zipping dresses up.With that taken care of, I slipped on my black pumps and turned around to look in the mirror. “Do I look okay Monty?” I asked, pulling on my sleeves slightly, trying to cover up a little more. He placed his hand on mine to stop me.

“You look beautiful (Y/N). Stop fiddling with it and let’s go downstairs.”

“I don’t want to.” I replied, my voice cracking. Don’t cry. Do not cry.

“I know. But we need to.” He sighed. “Everyone will be there. If it makes you feel better, I can even talk to the Jensen kid.”

“Clay. And I don’t know if it would honestly.” Before we went downstairs, I asked him, “can I take you up on your offer of flask juice?”

“Not right now. You said you have to stay sober for this.”

I sighed for what felt like the millionth time today and walked downstairs, clutching the railing as I went so that I didn’t topple over.

Jeff’s parents asked if I wanted to come early so I could have some alone time to say goodbye to Jeff. When we arrived at the church, his parents, the Priest, and the funeral director met us out front. Jeff’s dad pulled me into a tight hug and whispered apologies in my ear. I rubbed his back softly and apologised back. His mom was quick to pull me in as well. “I’ll always consider you akin to a daughter, (Y/N).” She whispered. I had to fight back tears when she squeezed tighter before letting me go.

“I’m very sorry for your loss.” Father Carmichael said as he took my hand gently. They were warmer than I expected for a man his age.

“Thank you.” I mumbled. The sentiment was shared by the funeral director and I was ushered off to the waiting hearse. The back door was opened, and I stared at the shiny walnut casket filling the space. It almost didn’t believe what I was seeing. It didn’t seem real. I placed a hand on the varnished wood, noting how smooth it felt.

“This can’t be happening.” I muttered softly. I paused to wait for a response I knew would never come. “We promised each other we would have forever.” There was more I wanted to say but the tears were becoming impossible to stop. I hoped that he knew everything I wanted to say already. I wiped my tears quickly before turning around and waiting for the pallbearers to arrive. We were ushered into the church before other people arrived.

“(Y/N), would you like to sit with the family? You practically are to us.” Jeff’s mom asked as my parents went to get some water.

“Umm,” I paused and turned to Monty. He shrugged and nodded. “I guess that would be okay.” I replied, not completely sure of my answer.

“Alright sweetie.” She hugged me again and turned as the pallbearers began arriving. I watched on as the funeral director explained procedure to them. His parents and I were led out of the church once again to follow the casket into the chapel.

The church was packed full. I could hear the quiet loud of a large group chattering with one another at the door. I quickly shut the door on the original idea of a large gathering in this little church. Oh, how that day would have been so different than today. My dad wouldn’t already be seated inside, I wouldn’t be wearing black, Jeff would be standing at the alter instead of…. Suddenly we were watching the group of young men carry the heavy casket up the church steps. His cousins were trying to keep their tears in but couldn’t help the few that slid out. His uncle had tears streaming down his face. I took a deep breath and began following his mom and dad into the church. When I got to the doors leading to the chapel, I froze. I couldn’t make my feet move. Once again, I was bombarded with what should have been. I could feel people’s eyes on me but try as I might, I simply could not move. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement coming around the last pew. Scott was standing at my side in a moment.

“One foot in front of the other.” He muttered as he held his arm out slightly. I grasped it, probably too tightly, but he didn’t even flinch. Together, he walked me towards the alter. I didn’t bother to think about what people would say about it. People here weren’t that callous. I took my seat and took a deep breath as he quickly made his way back to his seat.

Father Carmichael performed a wonderful service for Jeff. I felt tears streaming down my face the whole time. When it was over, I excused myself to the washroom to fix my makeup and have a moment to myself. As expected, Monty was waiting for me when I was done. Not as expected, was the addition of Scott waiting with him. I cleared my throat and pointed to my face. “You’re good.” Monty said, after a quick once over.

“Okay.” I nodded. I turned my attention to Scott. “um… thank you. For what you did in there.” I told him, awkwardly.

“It was no problem. That couldn’t have been easy.” He said. I shook my head. It wasn’t.

“Are we going to Jeff’s after this?” Monty asked me. I paused. I should. I really should go. I just don’t know if I can.

“I don’t… know?” I hesitated.

“You could show up for a few minutes, make a quick round, and say you need to be alone.” Scott suggested. I looked up at him. Could I really do that?

“That’s not actually a bad idea.” Monty replied, rubbing his jaw in thought. “We could go to the docks afterwards.”

“Flask empty yet?” I asked.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N). We are in a church.” He gasped, scandalously.

“I don’t mean for now. And that’s rich coming from you. When was the last time you cracked open your Bible Montgomery?” He was silent and avoided eye contact. “Exactly.”

“It’s not. But it’s not like we can’t refill it if we need to.”

“Okay. Let’s go.” I nodded. I put on another brave face as we walked out of the church on the way to the grave site to lay Jeff to rest.

We made a quick appearance at the house, during which Bryce gave me another sad hug and I smiled awkwardly at people when they gave me the look I had become so familiar with in the last week. I was able to excuse myself and leave quietly with Monty and Scott in tow. The three of us made our way to the docks, after a quick stop at my place for a flask refill and extra bottle of vodka. I sat on the railing, staring out at the ocean, blankly. My companions flanked me on either side. The metal flask was passed silently between us until it was decided that I was “thoroughly fucked up” as Monty put it. The burn of the alcohol had stopped bothering me long before that.

“I cannot deny that statement.” I said, watching the waves.

“Ready to go home then (Y/N/N)?”

I turned my head to face him with wide eyes, “no. What do you think my parents would say if I showed up at home drunk?”

“Today?” Scott asked.

“I think, given the day you’ve had, they would understand. Plus, you were hanging out with me so they know you’re safe.” Monty shrugged.

“It’s the middle of the day. And you have been drinking since before eleven. There is no way you can drive right now.” I closed my eyes to stop the spinning in my head.

“I can drive. I haven’t had that much to drink.” Scott offered. It was true. He spent most of his time with the flask, holding it in his hand.

“See? Scott can drive. It’ll be fine. But if you scratch my car, I’ll beat you.” Monty threatened.

“Sure, you will Monty.” Scott laughed. We spent the rest of the day driving around town until I sobered up enough to go home, where I fell asleep as soon as I laid on my bed.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER

The rest of September and much of October went by in a blur. I often found myself wondering if this was going to be my life now. Was I always going to be the girl whose boyfriend died? The staring stopped after a few weeks. And a couple of weeks after that, people started to move on. It was deemed socially acceptable for everyone else to continue living their lives. Sheri Holland stopped making weird eye contact with me. I wonder what that is about. Clay had seemed to stop openly pining over Hannah Baker. The guys were able to find ways to fill their time without being upset about Jeff. Everything was so… normal. The only person who wasn’t allowed to move on, it seemed, was me.

Everything was normal. Until Hannah Baker’s suicide. In the span of two months, Liberty had lost two students. Being a year older than her, we seemed to be more removed from the situation. It was still sad though. Especially when I watched how it was impacting Clay Jensen. Jeff had taken the boy under his wing while he was being tutored. I had asked him about it one night while we were on a date. Jeff had replied in his usual, happy go lucky glass half full tone, that “Clay is helping me with my grades and I’m helping him with Hannah. They’re good for each other.” I smiled fondly at the memory. Things were so much simpler then. People still looked at me in the halls. They still whispered when I passed. It became easier to ignore them. The drunk driving posters which had upset me so much when they were posted because I knew that Jeff wasn’t drinking that night, were replaced with suicide prevention posters. For the majority of my fellow seniors, Hannah Baker was just a girl. For me, she was just a girl. A girl who my late boyfriend tried to set up with his friend. It was tragic. But in my mind, it paled in comparison to the tragedy I had experienced only a month earlier.

Eventually, everyone else had gone back to normal. Except for Scott Reed. We had never really been friends. I still couldn’t wrap my head around it. And while I appreciated what he did for me, both at school and at the funeral, we didn’t talk about it. He still didn’t really say a whole lot to me. Yet somehow, he was always just… there. I would catch him watching me. Or I would notice his ears perk up when I was mentioned as the guys passed me in the halls. Montgomery of all people even noticed. “You know, Scott was asking about you at practice the other day. What’s going on there (Y/N/N)?” He mentioned to me in the library one day. I merely shrugged and waved it off.

“He hasn’t really talked to me, so I don’t know.”

**

He was watching me again. His eyes followed me as I grabbed a book for my paper in the library. Stare at me any harder and you might set me on fire. Rolling my eyes, I turned and plastered on my best and brightest smile. Scott looked down and suddenly became very interested in his own book when he noticed me walking towards him. I pulled out the chair across from him and leaned in. “What’s your deal, Scott?”

“My deal?” he said into his book.

“Why are you staring at me? And why do you act like you aren’t?”

“I don’t stare at you (Y/N).”

“Then what do you call watching someone from across the hall and across rooms? Hmmm?”

“I uh… don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Monty said you’ve been asking about me.”

He looked up. “He did?”

“Yeah. So, I’ll ask again, what is your deal?”

“Nothing.” He pushed his book aside.

“Sure. Whatever.” I huffed. Pulling out my books, I got comfortable. I’m already sitting here. Might as well take advantage. We were quiet for a while. He was trying not to watch me study. This is the most normal thing I’ve experienced in at least the last month.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh.”

“He was my friend (Y/N).”

“I know. Thank you. For what you did for me. I realized I never said it before.”

“No problem.” The bell rang. Packing up our stuff, we wordlessly bid each other goodbye and went our separate ways.

That day in the library wasn’t the only time Scott and I studied together after that. One of us would find the other sitting alone at a table or looking for something in an aisle. Our interactions were mostly wordless. A nod here and there when we sat down. Maybe the odd whispered question about homework. A shared chuckle about something we read. We never talked about Jeff again though. It was too hard. Still too fresh for both of us.

Around the middle of November, our silent study sessions began to change. They got a little less quiet. It was like we were walking on soft dirt ground rather than eggshells. We started bringing snacks. “What’s in the bag today Har?”

“Mini pancakes, chocolate chips, and banana protein bites.” I said, as I opened the containers. I set them in the middle of the table so we could both reach. We were studying quietly, both of us focused on our respective assignments. I could feel his eyes on me.

“I thought we were past this Scotty.” I muttered, smiling into my book. It was Thursday. I did English homework in the library on Thursdays.

“Old habits and all.”

“Mhmm. Right.”

“Actually (Y/N)?”

“Yes Scott?”

“Did you want to grab a coffee at Monet’s or something later?” I stopped writing. His question caught me off guard. “As friends, obviously.” He added when he noticed my hesitation.

“Sure. Say 4:30?”

“4:30 works.”

“Okay.”

I met Scott at Monet’s just after 4:30. We had both gotten stuck behind the same accident. He held the door open for me and even conceded when I suggested we pay separately since it wasn’t a date. I got a triple americano with cream and he got a drip coffee with milk.

“It’s like quarter to five in the afternoon (Y/N).”

“I know. But this is my order.” Jeff did the same thing.

“I’m not judging.”

“It seems like you’re judging a little.” I smiled.

“Swear I’m not.” He chuckled. I nodded and took a sip of my coffee. We sat at an open booth near the coffee bar. It was far enough away from the table Jeff and I used to sit at that it felt okay to sit at.

Neither of us really knew where to start in a conversation. The ten minutes of silence we sat in, made it exceedingly clear that all we really had in common was Jeff and some shared classes. I decided to break the ice. “Aside from football, baseball, and making soup, what else do you like to do for fun?”

“Video games but I don’t think that’s the answer you’re looking for. Hmm. I like driving into the city to go to the movie theater and seeing whatever is playing next.”

“No, it wasn’t. Expected that answer. Random movies sounds cool.”

“Yeah. What about you?”

“I volunteer at the local animal shelter. What’s the weirdest movie you’ve ever seen doing that?”

“Central Intelligence, easy. It came out last year. It wasn’t a bad movie exactly. The Rock and Kevin Hart were in it. Just not my thing.”

“Huh. I heard about that one. My cousin went to see it. She didn’t like it much either.”

“Glad to know I’m not alone. What do you do at the shelter?”

“Oh, you know, walk the dogs and puppies. Pet the cats. Clean up the odd accident. Aside from that last one, it’s pretty nice. It’s the best when you see a friend who’s been there for a while or longer, finally get their forever family and forever home.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that like?”

“It’s hard to describe. Most of the dogs get this smile and almost are able to breathe normally again. The cats get cozy in their carriers or their box. It’s really adorable. They’re content.”

“That sounds like it’s really rewarding.”

“It is. You could swing by sometime if you want. See the animals.”

He seemed skeptical and I was worried I had overstepped. I know it’s been a while since I’ve dated, but this is just as friends. So I shouldn’t be worried about overstepping. “Are you sure that’s okay? Like you’re allowed to do that?” Oh, I see. That’s a relief.

“For sure. It gives them a chance to socialize. Don’t worry, the dogs and cats that have issues with people aren’t ready to be put on the adoption list or in the adoption section until they’re able to be around people safely. Any interaction with strangers is beneficial too so they aren’t as freaked when people come to look at them to potentially adopt. Plus, who doesn’t love to play with puppies and kittens?”

He laughed heartily. “I’ll think about it. Might have to take you up on your offer. What about the other animals?”

“Oh, I’m not really comfortable handling the birds and stuff so I kind of stay away from there. It’s not a problem for the shelter. They don’t want you to be uncomfortable or afraid.”

“That makes sense. You can tag along for a random movie sometime if you want.”

It was my turn to be slightly taken aback. “I’ll think about it. It sounds like a lot of fun.”

“Did you finish that already?” He nodded towards my now empty mug.

“Yes. It was delicious.”

Scott chuckled to himself softly. We still weren’t sure what to talk about, because we didn’t know what we had in common aside from Jeff and school. Somehow, we found things to talk about and the hour we expected turned into two. He looked at his watch. “My folks are expecting me for dinner in approximately no minutes. I should get going.” I checked my phone and my brows rose.

“I should get going too. Before they send the cavalry to find me.”

“Library tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure Scott. I’ll see you there.” On my way home, I realized that for the first time in months, I hardly thought about Jeff this afternoon.

Our study sessions changed again after our not a date just friends’ coffee. Things were less awkward, and it seemed like we had found our footing for the most part. We talked to each other in the halls more and Scott had finally stopped watching me like a hawk. We were even cracking jokes with each other. He had begun treating me like everyone else was. Like I wasn’t going to break if he or someone else said the wrong thing. Like I was (Y/N) and not the girl whose boyfriend died.

DECEMBER

I arrived at school later than usual on a Tuesday morning. It had been a little under three weeks since our coffee not date. I immediately noticed Scott at his locker. His bag was slung over one shoulder and he was wearing his varsity jacket. He was talking to Mike. Mike was a senior in my Spanish class. I didn’t really know him all that well outside of that. I didn’t realize they were friends. When I walked past his locker, I overheard them talking about me.

“Why don’t you go for it and ask her?”

“I don’t know man. She’s really great and all but….”

“She was Jeff’s girlfriend. I get it.”

“He was my friend. I don’t want to overstep.”

“I know.” Mike said. I wanted to hear more of what they were saying so I bent down and undid the heel strap on my wedges. I fiddled with it while they talked. “This is going to sound horrible. I realize that so don’t hate me. I miss him as much as the next guy. I really do. But… Jeff isn’t here anymore, Scott. He’s gone.” You’re right Mike. That is horrible. “There isn’t really a line to overstep. It’s not like anyone can do anything to fix it. It just… is.”

“But do I want to be the guy who asks his dead friend’s girlfriend on a date?” A date? My cheeks flared. I couldn’t say that the idea hadn’t crossed my mind that Scott was an option. I had just felt absolutely terrible for it as soon as I did.

“Maybe you need to be. Maybe that could help both of you.”

“Help us what Mike?” Scott asked, the unease clear in his tone.

“Help you move…” Mike paused, “on isn’t the right word. Forward? That sounds better. Help you move forward. She needs someone and from what I’ve seen, she has Monty, those two girls who basically stopped talking to her after Jeff died, a couple of randoms she doesn’t seem to like that much, the baseball team-but it seems like they keep her around out of pity. And you. She has you.”

“And how would asking her on a date help me?”

“You have Monty, Charlie, and the baseball team. You think I think you like the rest of the team?”

“No.” He admitted.

“Exactly. And you have her. Jeff was your friend. He was her boyfriend. And he died. You both need someone to get through that. Because going through it when you feel like you’re alone, sucks. Besides, (Y/N) doesn’t strike me as the kind of person to stop being friends with someone if they ask her out and she isn’t interested in that. So, either way, she won’t not be in your life.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Course I am. Now, go. Go shoot your shot. I gotta get to math.”

My eyes widened when their conversation ended abruptly like that. I wasn’t prepared. Quickly, I stood and sped off to my own locker. I had barely had time to open it and pretend to look for something before Scott was behind me. “Hey Ticat.”

“Oh, uh. Hey Scott.”

“Whatcha looking for?”

“Book for English.”

“Cool, cool.”

“Mhmm.” Oh my God this is awkward. Please don’t ask. I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. Someone pulled my attention away before Scott could say anything else.

“(Y/N)!”

“What?”

“Monty and Alex just got into it in the parking lot. You have to come see this.” Once again this morning, my eyes widened. They’ll probably stick like this if it happens again today.

“I’ll be right there.” I turned to Scott, abandoning my bogus search, “I uh… I need to go take care of that. I don’t know if I’ll be able to study today.” Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

“No problem. Go. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, text me.” I called as I ran off.

I skipped our study sessions for the next week and I was cautious with our texts. It was like we were back at the beginning of our friendship. Could you even call it a friendship? Well, technically Friday wasn’t skipping. I had a doctor’s appointment. Scott didn’t appear to pick up on the change though. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was oblivious, like most other boys, or if he was just as freaked out as I was by the idea of dating. I used the time in the week that I should have been studying and would have been spending with Scott, to think about him. I thought about how easy our conversations had become and how comfortable and normal I felt with him. The way his piercing blue eye shone when he laughed. Or the way they narrowed slightly when he was silently judging some stupid comment his friends made. About how white his teeth were. The way he smiled when he finished a difficult homework problem. About how soft his hair looked. Oh dear. I’ve got it bad.

I texted Scott the next morning. Library this afternoon? He answered about half an hour later, while I was eating breakfast.

Sure. I’ll save you a seat.

Cool. I have leftover chocolate chip cookies.

In free period, I found Scott at a table in the corner of the library. His stuff was spread out on what looked like exactly half of it. There was a clear divide of where his stuff ended and where the free area was. Did he save half of the table for me? He looked up from his notes when I sat down. “Hey Ticat.”

“Hey Scotty. How’s the,” I paused and looked at his notes, “calculus coming?”

“It’s coming. I have a test tomorrow and I have no idea how I’m going to pass.”

“I can try to help you?”

“I’ll see how far I can get with this and go from there?”

“Of course.” I pulled out my geography notes and the cookies. We easily fell back into our usual silent study. It was like I hadn’t been bailing on him for a week.

When the bell rang, we packed up our belongings and snuck sly glances at each other.

“Walk you to class?”

“Sure.” I nodded and threw my book bag over my shoulder.

“How have you been this week?”

“You know. Busy.”

“Yeah. How was the doctor?”

“Good. I got a clean bill of health.”

“That’s good.” I cleared my throat, awkwardly. What happened to the way things were last week? “Hey (Y/N). Uh, did you want to maybe see a movie sometime?”

“A random see what’s playing next, movie?”

“Sure. Or, you know. You could pick a movie and we could see that.”

“Scott?” I stopped walking and stepped to the side of the hall.

“Yeah?”

“Are you trying to ask me out?”

“What would you say if I was?” I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

“I’d say I thought you would be much smoother and more direct. And also, I think I would like that.”

“Saturday afternoon?”

“Sure. Saturday works for me.”

“Awesome.” He stepped back into the crowded hall and walked me to class. Maybe Mike is right. Maybe this will be good for us. For me.

Saturday morning, I got up early to get ready. We had decided he would be at my place at 12:30. Since it had been so long since I had been on a first date and… and my last date had been with Jeff, I was more than a little anxious. I wasn’t sure what to wear. I wasn’t sure how to do my hair. I couldn’t call anyone to ask because I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell people I was going on a date. Staring at my closet didn’t really help the indecision. Jeans? Do people wear jeans on a first date? I pulled a few pairs out. A skirt is too formal. And I don’t want to make the wrong impression. Shirt? I need to wear a shirt. Flicking through the hangers, I picked a couple of choices that were nice but not too nice. Options in hand, I laid them out on the bed. The jeans were easy to pare down to one choice. I went with a comfortable pair of Levi’s. Again, they were nice, but not too nice. A safe choice. I ended up choosing a striped high neck tank top and grabbed a black cardigan to wear on top. Pulling a pair of flats out, I slipped them on and fixed my hair. I side braided it quickly and pulled a few pieces out to frame my face. It looked effortless. Presentable and like I thought about it, yes. But still effortless, nonetheless.

The doorbell rang just before 12:30. “I’ll get it!” I called out to my parents in the other room.

“K.” Mom responded. I hopped over to the door. Scott was standing on my porch with his hands in his pocket. His usual varsity jacket was traded for a simple grey hoodie.

“Hey (Y/N).”

“Hey Scott. Just let me grab my purse and we can head out?”

“Sure.” Purse in hand, Scott and I walked out to his car. He opened the door for me, and I smiled shyly at him. Why are you acting so shy? It’s Scott Reed. It’s not like you’ve never spoken to him before. Oh, I don’t know? Maybe because I’m going on a date with him?

“You look… really pretty.”

I blushed and looked down briefly. “Thank you. I wasn’t really sure what to wear, to be honest. You look pretty too.” I realized what I said, as soon as the words left my mouth. I can’t believe I just said that. Oh, my word. Scott burst out laughing. “Uh. I mean. Handsome. You look handsome. Very put together.”

“No, no. I’ll take pretty. I’m confident enough in my manhood that it’s a compliment. Not every day a girl calls me pretty. Let alone one I’m interested in.”

“Trust me, it happens. It might not be to your face. But it does happen.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” We were quiet for a time. My face was still pink from embarrassment. “Did you have any particular movie in mind?”

“No, not really. I thought we could give your whatever movie is next thing a go?”

“I like the way you think. As long as it isn’t 2001. Because there isn’t a more boring film in existence.”

“Oh my God, I know right? I had to see it with my cousin once for ‘family bonding time’ and I fell asleep like twice.”

“Your family does bonding time too?”

“Ugh. You don’t even want to know.” I sighed dramatically.

“Tell me about it next time?” Woah. Next time? That… doesn’t actually sound that bad.

“Next time? We haven’t even gotten through a movie together and you’re already talking about next time?”

“Well- I- uh- we-.”

“Scott. Relax. Ask me again on the way home?”

“Okay.” He sounded relived.

When we arrived at the Crestmont, the ticket person was staring blankly out the booth’s window. The joys of the Saturday afternoon shift, I guess. “Welcome to the Crestmont.”

“Hi. How are you?” Scott asked the boy. His name tag read Andrew.

“Good. And you guys?”

“Good.” We answered together.

“How can I help you?”

“Can we get two tickets to whatever is playing next?”

“Two tickets to Ferdinand in not 3D. That’ll be ten dollars please.” Scott handed him the cash and I took the tickets. “Enjoy the show.”

“Thank you.” I said.

Inside, the concession worker greeted us in a much kinder tone than the ticketer. “Any chance you’ll let me pay for the snacks?”

“Not even a little.”

“Oh, come on Scotty, you drove and paid for tickets. The least you could do is let me pay for snacks.”

“No, I’ve got it. Don’t worry about it Ticat.”

“Please?” I looked at him with my best puppy dog eyes. I could see the resolve begin to crack. “Pretty please?”

“Ugh. Fine. You can buy the snacks.” He caved, dramatically.

“Yay.” I said, softly. The cashier looked like she was trying not to laugh but she was smiling. “Hi. Can I get a pack of gummy bears and a medium Cherry Coke, please?” I turned to Scott, “are we sharing popcorn? I don’t really eat very much.”

“That sounds good.”

“Okay. And a large popcorn. And whatever he would like.”

“Can I get a pack of sour patch kids and a medium orange Fanta, please?”

“Coming right up.” I paid her and caught Scott grimacing in the corner of my eye. The puppy dog eyes always work. With our snacks in hand, we found some decent seats, given the time of day we were there. The movie was adorable. While it was technically for children, I found it to be incredibly heartwarming. Somewhere around thirty minutes into the film, our hands found each other on the shared armrest. We turned and smiled shyly at each other.

After the movie was done, we walked back to his car, hand in hand. It felt strange but also kind of nice. “I’m getting snacks next time, if I have to steal your wallet.”

“Scott Reed, commit a crime? Why I never.”

“You’d get it back after the movie.”

“Fine. But I thought next time was when I got to bore you with family bonding time stories.”

“Only because I get to bore you with mine. And fine. Then the third date.”

“It’s a date.”

JANUARY

Scott and I had been dating for about a month by now. We were keeping it on the down low. I wasn’t ready to announce to people that I was no longer the sad, grieving, heartbroken girl who was destined to be alone that they thought I should be. Scott understood that. As far as anyone at school was concerned, Scott and I were just friends. We had already been studying together so it wasn’t out of the ordinary that we were still doing that. They must have missed all the coy or longing glances we shot each other. If anyone saw us together outside of school, they assumed we were just helping each other through Jeff’s death.

Scott and I were on a date at Monet’s. It was a Sunday afternoon. It was abuzz with patrons looking for an afternoon pick me up after church or brunch. But to us, it may as well have been empty. We were still in that ‘we are the only two people who exist when we are together’ stage. Scott had just gotten back from ordering us a couple of refills. He had memorized my order already. I thought it was the sweetest thing. “So, we’ve never really talked about it but,” he paused. Oh no. Please don’t ask about Jeff. I’m not ready to get into all of that. And I don’t want to do it in public. I’m going to cry. I know I will. “you and Monty seem pretty close. What’s the story there?” Oh, that’s it? Just Montgomery? Phew.

“Not really much of a story. We grew up next door to each other before my parents moved across town in eighth grade. His family moved in about a year after mine did. I kind of took him under my wing, especially as we got older. There weren’t many kids our age in the neighbourhood. Or at least, none our moms would be okay with us spending time around. So, we had each other.”

“Interesting. He never mentioned it.”

“Well, he likes to keep his home life… private. Or….” I paused, unsure of how much Scott knew. It wasn’t my place to air that information unless necessary. Which, if you ask Monty, was never.

“As private as he can when his dad is his dad.”

“You know?”

“Yeah. He’s crashed on my couch a few times. And it’s kind of hard not to notice the bruises.”

“Yeah. Unless you’re and authority figure at school in this town apparently.” I muttered, bitterly. Scott scoffed in agreement.

“Your parents never…?”

“Offered to help? Of course, they did. He always refused. And as long as he knew he could escape to our place and be safe, they felt it ‘wasn’t their place to interfere’.” I rolled my eyes.

“I see.” He nodded, rolling his eyes too. “My parents are the same way. Give the kid a safe place for the night, some breakfast in the morning, and send him on his way.” I nodded.

“Anyway, yeah. We grew up together. Even though we are a year apart, it never really affected our friendship. Things were a little harder for a while after we moved. But that only lasted a few weeks. Everything went back to normal soon enough.”

“Cool. It’s good that he has you. The other guys….”

“Can be terrible excuses for human beings?” Scott laughed and smirked into his cup with a raise of his brows.

“Yeah. That’s one way to put it.”

“You know, it’s weird. Because I saw it from the outside looking in, in freshman year. And then when Jeff and I started dating in sophomore year, I got to see it from the inside to a degree. I never understood how Jeff did it. Or how you do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well. You and Jeff are so… good. Like inherently good. I get the teammates and ‘you’re like family’ thing. But you guys are so different from the rest of them. And I see it with Monty too. Because I see the him that he doesn’t want the guys to see. The decent him. But he fits better I guess because I know he can have his, let’s call them moments. I never understood how you could stand by and watch it. I’m not trying to attack you or anything. Just so we are clear.”

“No, no I know. I guess… I guess it’s because you don’t want to be the odd guy out. Even though Jeff never said or did anything, he was still looked at like a brother. He was able to stay in the background with all of it and almost be the glue that kept the team from falling into complete debauchery. He gave us a shred of decency. So, everyone else had something to look to. Whether they always listened to the ‘Atkins Voice of Reason’ or not is a different story. I learned a lot from him and now it’s my turn to be the voice of reason. It’s a fine line and it can be hard to walk sometimes. But someone has to.”

“I guess that makes sense.” I nodded. We spent a little longer talking about lighter topics before parting ways. We snuck a few kisses in the alley beside the building first though.

FEBRUARY

Since we had started dating, Scott had come by the animal shelter a few times to help out. He said it was to see me. I saw right through his lies. He mostly just wanted to play with puppies for a few hours. I didn’t blame him though. I would do the same thing. He surprised me on a Wednesday evening. I came back into the shelter from a walk with a German shepherd and a rottweiler. It was a long one, so they were happy to be back so they could lounge around and beg for attention. When I entered the kennels, Scott was sitting in the middle of the puppy room, surrounded by a puddle of puppies. He was being attacked by fluff. One of the labs, Daisy, was trying to scale his chest to lick his face. A terrier mix, appropriately named Jack, was trying to get his attention by gnawing on his hand. He was giggling and had the absolute brightest smile on his face. A loud bark tore my attention away from him. The rottweiler was apparently upset that I wasn’t paying attention to him. “Oh, I’m sorry Rascal. Did you need something? Do you need some attention?” I cooed and reached out to rub his head.

“Need some company? My shift is over.” I asked as I walked into the room and shut the door firmly behind me.

“Always. How was your evening?”

“It was good. Only had to deal with a few accidents. How was practice.”

“It was alright. We had more than a few accidents.” He chuckled. Daisy had appeared to have managed the climb and was cuddled against Scott’s chest.

“I see you’ve made a new friend.”

“It looks like I have. She’s very cute. Think I could convince mom and dad to let me bring her home?”

“With you going off to college next year? I don’t think so.”

“Damn. At least that one has stopped trying to eat me.” He nodded towards Jack. He was curled up in a ball in his lap, sound asleep. The rest of the puppies were either sleeping now or trying to get attention from me. I shared the pets and love as equally as I could.

“Yeah. He hasn’t learned all of his manners yet. Eating people is not the most polite thing to do when you’re trying to get adopted.” We laughed quietly together. After another half hour, it was time to call it a night and head home.

A couple of Sundays after the puppy puddle, I decided I was ready to take a big step. I was finally ready to go and see Jeff’s grave with Scott. I had been on my own before and it had been hard. I would sit and talk to him for hours. I couldn’t tell him about Scott though. I felt like we had to go together to do that. Depending on what you believe, he probably already knew about us. But I wanted to tell him anyway.

I called Scott that morning. “Hey. Are you busy later?”

“Hey Ticat. No, I’m not. Why? Something on your mind?”

“Yeah. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Jeff’s grave with me today. Tell him about us?”

“Are you ready for that?”

“I think so. It’s time. I feel like it’s time for him to know. I need to tell him, but I don’t want to do it alone.”

“Of course, (Y/N). I’ll pick you up at one?”

“Okay.”

I decided to wear a skirt and a flowy top today. It was a nice day out. Scott picked me up and we stopped at the florist for some flowers. Jeff always got me purple tulips, so I grabbed a bouquet of them to leave on his headstone. At the cemetery, I walked hand in hand with Scott. We were both silent as we wandered through the maze of people’s final resting places. When we passed Hannah Baker’s grave, I took a single flower out of the bunch and placed it on her headstone.

It was both so long and yet much too fast before we were standing at the foot of Jeff’s grave. I neatly placed the flowers on the base of his headstone. Someone must have been by to visit recently because there was a worn-out baseball cap hanging off the corner. I could feel Scott’s eyes on me as I sat down and smoothed out my skirt. Since I normally came alone, I wasn’t really sure where to begin or what to say. He sat down beside me but didn’t reach out to take my hand. He was letting me do everything in my own time.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, wherever you are. But I’m choosing to believe you can.” Scott started after I hadn’t said anything. “I miss you. Everyone misses you. Coach Rick is still the same hard ass he’s been. We are hanging your jersey before our season opener. There’s some argument about if it should just be the team or if we should do it at the pep rally. I think you would want it to just be us.”

“Mrs. Davidson finally stopped reading out loud to us in Literature this week. Remember how she would just go on, and on, and on about the smallest, most insignificant details? And we don’t have to listen to her boring, monotone voice read every class now.”

“We have a chance at making state again this year. It won’t feel the same without you though. The guys are going a little crazy but I’m keeping things together. I think (Y/N) being around helps though. She really is amazing man. You have no idea how lucky you were to be with her. Or maybe you do. With the way you paraded her around like she was your pride and joy.”

“We really had something special. And I wish you were still here to keep sharing it with me. But you aren’t. And eventually, that will be more okay. And it will hurt less. But for now, it sucks. And it hurts. But I’ve started learning how to get through it. And I have help.” I reached out to take Scott’s hand in mine. He squeezed it. “Scott has been there for me every step of the way. Even the times when I wouldn’t be there for me if I were him. He’s seen it all. Heck, he’s seen me puking on the side of the road.”

“Or getting piss drunk at the docks.” I pushed him lightly.

“Yes. And he’s shown me that even though it hurts, I can let someone in again. I can be happy again. We’ve been together for a couple of months now. It’s harder some days than others. But he’s always there for me, no matter what. I understand why you liked him so much. He makes it hard not to. I see parts of you in him and it makes me smile on the hard days.” I had to pause because I was getting choked up.

“I see why you loved her so much. She makes it hard not to. She’s kind and smart and selfless. Even when she doesn’t need to be, she is. I wish I didn’t have to be, because you should still be here, but I am so thankful that I have the privilege of being with her. I hope you know that I will take care of her and I work every day to make her feel as loved and important as you made her feel. Our story can’t compare to yours, but I hope it makes you proud.” My tears had started to fall, and Scott pulled me into his lap. I cried into his shoulder. This was so much harder than I thought it would be. I miss Jeff. When my tears were under control, I looked at Scott for a moment. I looked back at Jeff’s headstone and was silent for a while. I was the first to stand. Brushing the dirt off my skirt, I reached out for Scott’s hand. He stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I moved the ball cap on top of the flower stems so it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.

“I love you.” I whispered. Turning around, Scott and I walked back to the car silently and drove home in somber, yet comforting silence.

MARCH

I was asleep on Scott’s chest when my phone began buzzing on the bed beside me. I slowly woke up and groggily searched for the unexpected noise. “Hello?” I whispered; my voice thick with sleep.

“(Y/N)?” Monty’s voice came through the other end of the line. He sounded like he was in immense pain. I sat up slowly, so I didn’t wake Scott.

“Monty, what’s wrong?”

“My arm. It really hurts. My old man. I, fuck, I don’t think I can drive. Can you come help me?”

“Uh…” I paused, looking at the man sleeping soundly beside me. “Yeah. Give me fifteen, twenty minutes.”

“Okay.” He said before he hung up.

I noted the time before waking Scott. It was just after one in the morning. “Scott.” I whispered, shaking him slightly. He grunted in response. “Scott, wake up for a second.” I urged again.

“Hmm? Wha’s goin’ on?” he mumbled as he woke up.

“I need to go take care of something. I don’t know when I’ll be back. You can stay here and go back to sleep. If I’m not back when you wake up, you can go home or you can stay here. If you stay there is cereal in the cupboard, and K-cups under the Keurig. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Okay (Y/N).” He muttered, already falling back asleep.

After quickly changing into a clean shirt and sweatpants, I ran downstairs. I left Scott a note on my dresser so he wouldn’t be too confused if he didn’t remember my telling him goodbye. I pulled up in front of Monty’s house and we drove silently to the hospital. I really hate it here. “What are we telling them this time?” I asked after I paid for parking.

“Sex?”

I blinked at him slowly. “What the hell kind of sex results in a possibly broken arm?”

“The really kinky kind?”

“Pick something better.”

“I fell down the stairs?”

“Alright. That could be believable.” With that, we made our way into the ER to have his arm fixed. We waited an hour to be seen and then another forty-five minutes for an X-ray.

“It looks like you won’t need surgery. I will need to cast it though.” The doctor advised.

“Alright.” Monty replied calmly, the pain meds having done their job. The doctor produced a bin of colours to choose from.

“Pick a colour and I’ll have you on your way soon.” He looked through them and decided on blue. Once wrapped and we were going to be on the way, the doctor added, “turn on the light next time.”

“Will do Doc. Thank you.” Monty replied and waved with his good hand.

Once we were in the car and on the way to my place, I realized I would need to explain Scott being over to him. Just tell him. I sighed before speaking. “Hey, so my parents are out of town, but you’ll need to sleep in the guest room.”

“Uh… okay? Why?” he asked.

“Because?”

“Because why?”

I felt my face heat up a bit. “Um… my room might already be… occupied?” I squeaked. I peeked over and his eyes widened.

“You mean…?”

“Mhmmm.”

“Who is it?”

“Scott?” I said, my voice raising an octave or two. Monty breathed out a whistle.

“Are we okay with that?”

I paused again, thinking. “Yes. Yeah, we are.”

“Well alright then.” he replied, leaning back and getting comfortable in the passenger seat. The house was quiet when we got back around four-thirty. Monty was tucked in the guest room as I slinked my way back into my own room. Scott was still sleeping soundly in bed. I crawled in beside him and went back to sleep for a few hours.

The following morning, I woke up and quietly made my way downstairs for breakfast. Monty followed not long after me, grabbing a mug and pouring himself a mug of coffee. I waited until he sat down and had a few sips before greeting him. “Morning Monty. Sleep okay?”

“Morning (Y/N). I slept okay. You?”

“It was alright. Warmer than I’m used to.”

“I’ll bet it was.” He smirked at me.

“Oh shush you.” Monty chuckled softly as I rolled my eyes.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yeah. I am.” I nodded, smiling.

“Good. That’s good.” He nodded and took another sip of coffee. We heard footsteps coming downstairs and looked up.

“Morning (Y/N).” Scott muttered from the middle of the stairs.

“Morning Scott.” I replied.

“Morning Scotty.” Monty greeted, as though this was a perfectly normal Saturday morning. Scott almost missed a step, he stopped so fast.

“Uh. Morning Monty?” He looked to me and raised a brow.

“He needed me last night. I had to tell him.” I shrugged.

“Okay.” He said, walking over to the Keurig and making a cup of coffee. The three of us stood around the kitchen slightly awkwardly looking at each other.

“Same rule applies as with my car. I’ll beat you if you scratch her.”

“Jump right to the threats, why not?” I muttered into my mug.

“I’m sure you will, Monty.”

“Damn straight.”

“Even though I’m your favourite friend?”

“(Y/N) is my favourite.”

“I’m your person. Not your favourite.”

“Yes you are.”

“You don’t call your favourite when you kill someone and need help hiding the body.”

“Excuse me?” Scott interjected, alarmed.

“She made me watch Grey’s Anatomy with her over spring break a couple of years ago.”

“Oh. I see. How was that?”

“It’s network tv with a lot of censored sex. And drama.”

“No boobs?”

“No boobs.”

“Yeah, it would be better with boobs. And if everyone stopped leaving and dying.” I added.

“Does this mean I have to watch it with you?”

“No, you might have to sit through an episode of The Bachelor though. I mostly just watch it because I don’t understand how none of those stupidly attractive people can find dates on their own.”

“You hate watch it. I can’t wait.”

“Well, you’ll get to look forward to what happens after we get done hate watching it.” I retorted, lowly. Scott rose his brow suggestively.

“Oh really?”

“And on that note! Who wants… whatever I can make (Y/N) cook with eggs, peppers, and… meat? What is this meat?” Monty cut in as he went through my fridge.

“I think it’s pork. Could be ground turkey though. There’s potatoes in the cupboard. Breakfast hash?”

“Sounds delicious.” Scott answered. I moved around him and got the bag of potatoes so I could start helping.

“How long has this been going on for anyway? Also remember that I’m still here so you can’t be all touchy.”

Scott looked at me before answering. “Since December.”

“How did I not notice?” Monty said after a pause.

“I don’t know. Too busy with sports and Bryce? There’s also spinach. Do I add the spinach?” I turned around and the boys were both making faces. “No spinach then.”

“I was not busy with Bryce.”

“Mhmm. That’s not why you blew off our movie marathon tradition?”

“Okay, point made.”

“How’s your arm?”

“It’s okay, hurts like a bitch. Why, Scott?”

“Just asking.” Scott turned to me and whispered, “his dad?” I nodded.

“No flirting.”

“I didn’t get to kiss her good morning, give me a break.” I turned and watched Scott playfully flip Monty off. Then, he placed a soft kiss to my lips and I smiled into it. “Good morning beautiful.”

“Good morning handsome.”

***

“Monty knows now.”

“He does.” I replied, leaning back into his chest on the couch. “He’s okay with it.”

“That’s good.”

“You aren’t going to be jealous, are you? Because there is nothing going on between us.”

“No, I know. What was the fight about this time?”

“Who knows. He called me and said he needed me, so I went. He wanted to tell the doctors it was a sex accident.”

Scott laughed. “What the fuck kind of sex would that have been?”

“The kind that would have broken his wrist, not his forearm.”

“You would have been the top?”

“Yes. So, you see why we couldn’t say that.”

“Right. That’s why.”

“We said he fell down the stairs.”

“Plausible.”

“Anyway, no idea what it was. But knowing his dad, it could have been anything. There’s a reason I don’t go to his house very often.” I left it at that and we cuddled on the couch for a while.

“Hey Scotty?”

“Yeah, (Y/N/N)?”

I sat up and turned to him. “Now that Monty knows, do you think we could tell other people? Maybe… maybe enough time has passed that people will understand?”

“I think we can tell people, if you want to. I don’t care what people think. I would have told everyone in January if you wanted to.”

“I know. I just… I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never been the girl whose boyfriend died before.”  

“I know. People might talk for a few days, but they’ll move on. No one expects you to have stayed single for the rest of your life.”

“Not my whole life necessarily. Just the rest of high school.” I joked.

“The people who complain can fuck off.”

“I guess. And things have kind of gone back to normal now. Or as normal as they can.”

“We don’t have to tell people if you don’t want to (Y/N).”

“I do. I think we need to. I don’t want to hide you anymore. It’s time for me to start living my life in the open again.”

“And honestly, I’m tired of hiding you.” We spent a little longer watching tv together. It was nice having someone I could just sit and be with again. We each took turns choosing shows. “I should probably head home soon sweetheart.”

“Okay. I’ll see you Monday?”

“Of course.” Together we gathered up his things and tidied the kitchen. Scott kissed me goodbye, and I leaned against the front door after he had driven away.

Monday would be the last big thing I had to do before graduation. It was the last step in beginning to move forward. I would always love Jeff Atkins. He would always be a part of me and hold a special place in my heart. But I had realized over the last several months that I could be happy again. I wouldn’t be betraying him for allowing myself to fall in love with someone again. And I had Scott Reed to thank for that.

[dinosaurtsukki]

being the MSBY Jackals’ physiotherapist

anon: HEY BOO! LISTEN BEING THE BLACK JACKELS PHYSIOTHERAPIST! I can imagine a lot of damage I- bye 😽 I could I please have that as a headcanon 👉👈 thanks! ❤️ (that is a If requests are open..)

they are most definitely open and OH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING IDEA WHEN I GOT THIS I COULDN’T WAIT TO START. i’ve been watching a lot of vids on what physical therapists do too and i hope you like this it was so fun to write !!

Bokuto Koutarou:

he deadass got you mixed up with the sports psychologist

when he walked into your clinic he was all ‘ah, hey there’ before lying faceup on the cot and just talking about his problems

and at first you were alright cause good to make conversation and everything until you realized.... “this guy thinks i’m the therapist”

bokuto: people always assume that i’m really naive and i kinda am but--

you: bokuto,,,, i’m not the therapist

bokuto: oh 👁👄👁

you: does it, um, hurt anywhere?

bokuto: *points to his heart*

after directing him to therapist’’s office, you finally clear up his misconceptions on what you’re supposed to be

you did hear about bokuto but what you didn’t expect was that he was An Actual Ray of Sunshine

whenever he comes to your office for his weekly check-ups, he always brings some sort of present

he likes to bring a package of cookies and the two of you eat them while you have your session

bokuto still uses the term ‘ouchie’ and it’s adorable

he takes really good of himself and his body so he isn’t prone to serious injuries. as soon as he knows something feels off, he’ll stop himself from working and come to your clinic

except,,, he comes way too often

bokuto: I WAS FLEXING MY FINGER AND THEN IT SUDDENLY MADE A CRACK SOUND WILL IT FALL OFF???

you: you’ve... never popped your fingers before?

bokuto: you can POP your FINGERS???

in interviews, bokuto loves to mention all the people who helped him on his journey and ngl it’s a REALLY LONG LIST but he always, always mentions you as ‘the best physical therapist ever!!’

and it makes you so soft you love your job so much

he actually ends up recommending you to his friend, akaashi keiji, because bokuto knows his shoulders and back hurt 

akaashi comes into your office and just goes: “can you crack my back and shake me like a glowstick?”

you: i think you’re looking for a chiropractor

akaashi: ...

you: okay, lie down. i’ll see what i can do

Hinata Shouyo:

he got LOST TRYING TO FIND YOUR CLINIC

like, you were checking your watch wondering where your client was before he burst into your clinic thirty minutes late

also for some reason he was really nervous to see you poor baby he had the misconception that you were there to find what was wrong with him and then after he wouldn’t be able to play again

so he was genuinely surprised after you just made him do a few stretches for him, recommended some ways to move his body to utilize it better, and just sent him off

hinata: just... just like that?

you: yeah, pretty much. unless you feel that something else is wrong

after that he’s not so afraid to visit your clinic. in fact, he enjoys it quite a lot!

hinata really takes note of the advice you gave him (he brings a notepad and everything) and he likes to call you up to let you know that they worked

he actually calls you A LOT, like you’re probably the person he texts and calls the most other than natsu

at one point he was calling you every single day asking about what to eat until you decided to make a whole-ass weekly meal plan for him to just cycle through

 he’s actually quite flexible (not as much as sakusa though) and he’s so proud of being able to reach farther than his toes

when you’re not looking though he measures himself against the height chart on your wall and you think it’s absolutely adorable

hinata knows how to take care of his body and TRIES not to overwork himself but sometimes he gets really impatient about wanting to improve so he’ll stay late in the gym, practicing his spikes and serves

BUT since his teammates know hinata listens to you they’ll threaten to tell you when he’s overworking

sakusa: hinata, if you don’t leave the gym right this instant i am calling y/n

hinata: just five more minutes!!

sakusa: *pulls out his phones and presses some random numbers in*

hinata: OKAY OKAY I’M GOING

it’s kind of like the adult version of your parents calling the doctor when you don’t want to eat

also you have no idea that this happens

even though he’s moved on from it, hinata still gets a bit paranoid about playing a major game while being sick

you’re always at their games as part of their medic crew and before it starts, hinata always comes up to you and asks if you can take his temperature

you didn’t know why until atsumu explained everything so now you make sure to always have a temperature on you for hinata’s peace of mind

Atsumu Miya:

someone who actually knows what physical therapists actually do thank god 

ngl you’re kinda shookt at how large he is in real life when he walks into your clinic 

he also assumes right away that you want an autograph so he gifts you a signed picture of himself which you always have on your desk from now on because come on you are a fan

atsumu’s really nice to talk to, he does flirt quite a bit but he genuinely asks about how you are too or if your family is doing alright

such a sweet boy

atsumu’s the one who visits your office often but for reasons that are actually relevant to your job because this man just overexerts himself too much

and he keeps brushing it off and saying that he’s alright but you know better you’re a physical therapist for god’s sake

atsumu: i’m telling you. it’s just a sprain!

you: *pokes his ankle*

atsumu: aaaAAAAAAHHHH

he’s the one that you have to constantly keep tabs on and thanks to the help of his teammates and a spare key, you’re able to drop by his apartment once in a while

but no matter how much of a pain in the ass he is you still can’t help but want to take care of him. whenever you make yourself dinner you find yourself making seconds for atsumu

before you know it, you’re making dinner for your favorite MSBY boys because you don’t want them to feel left out

you also have to stop atsumu from overdoing on the protein shakes and drinking vitamins

because he’s addicted protein shakes especially the strawberry-flavored one but you’re the only one who knows that so shhhhhh

atsumu: if one vitamin capsule makes me healthy, does that mean drinking more will make me even more healthy ??

you: NO STOP. STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING. RIGHT NOW.

one time you got a call in the middle of the night from atsumu saying that he ate an entire container of gummy vitamins and you had to run to his place in your pajamas

idk you just see him so much because he keeps getting injuries and it’s hilarious

atsumu, walking into your clinic: hey, doc! they sent me here cause my back hurts from carrying the entire team!

you: atsumu, you dislocated your shoulder

Sakusa Kiyoomi: 

probably your most normal client among the four of them but that doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy his visits to the clinic 

well, actually when he first visited your clinic, everyone else stalked him because they wanted to see his Flexible Wrists in action

you had to chase them out

sakusa is SO HAPPY that you just took one look at his Flexi-Wrists and noted it down without going batshit over it

you always spray the cots and your instruments with alcohol before he comes in and sakusa knows cause he smells it and he appreciates that so much

one thing that you do notice is that sakusa,,, frequently glances at the jar of lollipops you keep on your desk and give out to your kid patients

and after a session he just lingers for a bit before saying good bye and leaving so one day you just take a chance

you: would you,,, like a lollipop?

sakusa: .... yes please

he chooses a cherry flavored one and is about to leave when he sits back down on the chair

sakusa: they’ll never let me hear the end of it if they see me

so you let him stay in your clinic for a bit longer before deciding to also get a lollipop and that’s how the two of you end your sessions

no talking. just lollipop eating

(i know how it looks but pls don’t add sexual connotations i jus want sakusa to enjoy a fricking lollipop)

he actually likes to remember the scientific muscle names and everything just to impress you 

also, he doesn’t want to give you a hard time but he also likes visiting your office and talking to you (and eating the lollipops) so he makes up all these excuses to come by your clinic

sakusa: i hit my toe on the table

you: okaay, do you need a bandaid?

sakusa: it was the small toe

sakusa’s quite selective about the people he’s with so he’s kind of attached to you now. like it or not, you’re his personal doctor

prepare to receive texts like ‘y/n, i have a cough. what should i drink?’ 

you: sakusa, i’m a PHYSICAL THERAPIST

you: also, ginger tea is supposed to be good for you

he’s actually your eyes and ears when it comes to monitoring the team. kind of like the kid who tattles to the teacher in pre-school

sakusa: y/n, atsumu’s overdoing it again

you: is that so?

atsumu, in the background: NOOOOO NOOO I’M NOT !! SAKUSA’S LYING

you have such a soft spot for sakusa. when he had to be confined at home for breaking his ankle, you sent him a whole jar of lollipops

he ate them all in one day

***********************************************

taglist (still open to anyone who wants in!): @montys-chaos​ @miyumtwins​ @strawberriimilkshake​ @pocubo​ @sugawara-sweetheart @akaashisbabydoll @laure-chan​ @therainroguefanfiction​ @atetiffdoesart @stephdaninja @oikaw-ugh​ @charliefredb​ @dramaqueenweeb1469 @tremblinghearts @applepienation @doodleniella @haikyuu-my-love @waitforitillwritemywayout @kattykurr @tpwkatsumu​

[andie-cake]

perhabs,, early relationship, Paul wanting affection but being anxious and not knowing how to go about it?

Ceej, you understand me and my Paul hcs on a spiritual level, thank you for my rights and an excuse to write soft nonsense. It's uh... It's a little long.

Being in an honest-to-god romantic relationship was taking a bit of re-getting used to for Paul. He hadn't dated anyone since college, and suddenly wham, he's head over heels for a cute, snarky barista who seems to return his affections. It was odd, but no less wonderful, feeling his heart flutter in his chest whenever Emma so much as smiled at him. He hadn't felt this way about someone in damn near a decade, and then this beautiful 5'0 biology student walked into his life, and god, his brain just didn't know how to handle it.

Paul and Emma had started seeing each other around late October, hooking up in the Beanies break room during a Halloween party her boss Nora had thrown. It was mid-December now, a week and a half before Christmas, and things were still going strong between them. Though there had been... something strange on Paul's mind for a few weeks now, something that had never bothered him before in his past relationships.

Paul was a tactile guy with people he liked, something his friends all knew well. He was never sure exactly how he'd rank the five love languages as applied to himself, but touch was definitely his number one. Casual shoulder squeezes and light nudges were common gestures of his among friends, as Bill could easily attest. With romantic partners, this was cranked up a bit. Lots of light kisses to their temple or resting his hand on their back, stuff like that. It was always the easiest way for him to show that he cared. His partners... were never as tactile as him. It was very all give and no take on Paul's end when it came to physical affection, and he hadn't really minded it. At least, he was pretty sure he hadn't...

But now? With Emma? Her touch was something he actively craved. And it's not as if Emma never touched him outside of sex, far from it, she was probably the most physically affectionate partner Paul had ever had. She held his hand, kissed his cheek, cuddled up against him during movie nights, and gave him playful little jabs in the side when he was being a smartass. But she wasn't quite as casually affectionate as Paul was with her, and he couldn't help but wish she was.

And sweet jesus christ, did Paul find it embarrassing. It made him feel like some dopey lovesick teenager whenever he thought about it. Like, what was he supposed to do? Ask her to touch him more often? He'd sound like a total fucking weirdo if he tried to explain it to her. But still, he couldn't help but think about it a lot.

It had been a lazy Sunday evening, the one day of the week when neither half of the couple had work. And of course, they were... taking advantage of their day off, as it were. On Paul's living room couch, no less. They'd just finished up, and Emma had gone off to use his shower and whatnot. After washing up a bit, Paul had promptly put some comfy sleepwear on (because it was December in Michigan and Paul was not one to lounge around in the nude with temperatures like that outside), and was now absentmindedly channel surfing whilst laying on the couch.

Nearly half an hour later, Emma had emerged from the bathroom, hair tied into a braid and clad in a bright red hoodie that Paul recognized as his own. He couldn't help but smile, it was so big on her, and she looked adorable in it.

"Find anything to watch while I was in there?" she asked.

"Hallmark movies, a bunch of stock Christmas faire, and like three separate Harry Potter marathons," Paul replied. "None of which I'm particularly interested in watching, so we might have to retreat to the DVD shelf again."

Emma shrugged. "Hey, fine by me, TV edits are usually garbage fires anyway," she said. She strode over to the other side of the living room, where Paul kept his DVDs, and eyed the shelf. After a minute or two, she plucked a case off the shelf, snickering. "Monty Python: Life of Brian, that's a Christmas movie, right?"

"Absolutely," Paul quipped. "Anything can be a Christmas movie if you stretch the definition enough."

"Good, because I wanna watch Monty Python."

After popping the disk in, she turned back to the couch, and Paul sat up to give her some room. As she sat back down, Paul took in the sight of her. God, she was lovely. And she looked so cozy in his hoodie, it was hard not to find the sight of her absolutely heart-melting. His heart fluttered a bit, he was getting that feeling again. Unfortunately, Paul found himself staring at her instead of the screen for a bit too long, and she took notice.

"Paul?" she piped up, snapping him out of his trance with a befuddled smile. "You good, babe?"

Paul felt his cheeks flush. Had she ever called him "babe" before? "It's, uh... it's nothing," he stammered unconvincingly. "I just zoned out for a bit."

Emma, being the observant person she was, eyed him with skepticism. "You look like you have something on your mind," she noted. "What's up?"

Well, shit. Feeling his face burn hotter, Paul attempted to weasel himself out of this inevitable awkward conversation.

"N-nothing's up, I'm fine!" he tried to assure her, perhaps too defensively to sound convincing.

"That's the voice of a man who definitely has something up," Emma observed. She grabbed the remote, and paused the film before continuing. "Something's bothering you, Paul, I can tell."

"It-it's just..." Paul tried to begin, feeling momentarily reassured by Emma's soft gaze. But when the right words wouldn't come to him, he groaned and buried his flushing face in his hands. God, why was he like this? "Nevermind, it's really stupid, can we just watch the movie, please?"

"Paul, I know stupid, I work at Beanies," Emma retorted playfully, earning a brief chuckle from Paul. "Whatever's bothering you, it can't be any worse than the shit my co-workers complain about on the daily. I promise you I won't laugh."

Paul removed his hands from his face, meeting her gentle gaze once more. "You mean it?"

She nodded. "I'm all ears."

Exhaling a deep breath, Paul took a moment to think of how to word his self-imposed predicament in the least stupid way possible. Probably best to start small.

"Um, y'know how... when we watch movies or whatever together," he began, trying to force himself to talk above a whisper. "You'll like, lean against my chest, and I'll wrap my arms around you and play with your hair and all that?"

Emma nodded, looking somewhat confused. "Yeah...?"

"Do you think we could... do that the other way around this time?"

There was a brief moment of silence, and Paul was pretty sure his face had turned a shade of red that had only ever been seen by shrimp before. Jesus, that must've sounded so stupid.

"That's all?" Emma asked.

Yep, there it was. Paul looked down at his lap again, embarrassed beyond belief. "Basically, yeah..." he chuckled despite himself. "I know, I know, it's really dumb, and I probably got you all worried for nothing-"

"Whoa, whoa, Paul, slow down!" Emma cut him off, reaching out to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. She smiled at him softly. "I mean, sure! If that's what you want, we can do it!"

Paul took another deep breath. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Emma replied. She leaned back on the arm of the couch, and opened her arms. "Come on, bring it in."

Still nervous and flustered, Paul slowly eased himself against Emma, resting his head against her chest. He could feel her heartbeat, even through the thick fabric of the hoodie. Emma rested one hand on his back, and began to thread her fingers through his hair, just like he would do with her. Paul felt a chill go down his spine. God, he forgot how much he loved having his hair stroked. He wrapped his arms around her torso, face still flushing like nobody's business.

"How's that?" Emma asked, undoubtedly noticing the ridiculous smile that had forced itself onto his face.

"Wonderful..." he sighed, finally beginning to calm down a bit. "Thanks, Emma."

"No prob," Emma snickered, still stroking his hair. "But before we un-pause the movie, can I ask why it was such an ordeal for you to ask me about this?"

"It's kinda hard to articulate," Paul explained, adjusting himself so that he wasn't muffled by the hoodie. "My, um... my past partners weren't really the, uh... the affectionate kinda types, y'know? So it just kinda felt weird to ask you to... do this... I guess..."

"...Well," Emma began after a moment's pause. "I'm not your past partners, so I'd be more than happy to do this more often."

"You would?" Paul inquired hopefully.

"If it makes you feel as loved as it makes me feel," Emma said, rubbing a calming circle between his shoulder blades with her thumb. "Then I'll do it anytime."

Paul could've melted right then and there. He was loved... In a somewhat indirect way, Emma said she loved him. Perhaps now was the time...

"Thanks again, Em," he said, slightly choked up. He craned his neck a bit to press a kiss to her neck. "I, um... I love you."

Emma briefly paused in her stroking of his hair, only to resume moments later, and press a kiss to his forehead.

"I... I love you too, Paul."

[hadtochangemyurlquick]

here’s 7.1k of Toni pining and Shelby and Toni being childhood friends and also far more character analysis of Rachel than I was expecting? also Marcus is real and I made him a gorgeous himbo. it’s based off that poem by @theycallmedizzy and you can find it here. lmk if you want a second chapter from shelby’s perspective, tho i literally just finished this one. like literally ten minute ago.

Mr. Williams finishes reading the poem and looks over his spectacles at the class. Yes, they’re spectacles, those kind of tiny thick ones that make his eyes too big because he’s much too old to be teaching.

It’s eight am on a Tuesday, Toni walked the three miles to school because she missed the bus only to walk into her shitty honors English class and hear the teacher reading a poem aloud to the class. Her poem. She’d sat down after a momentary pause and listened to him read the final damning stanza.

And then he looks at Toni.

He reads her essays right? What if he recognizes her writing voice? Is that a thing? Or maybe her handwriting or—

“Toni, I was just explaining to the class that whoever wrote this should submit it to the state literature festival,” Mr. Williams says, Toni almost sags against her chair. “I was hoping someone would come forward,” He turns back to the class, eyes hovering over Quinn and Monty, two of the more sensitive guys who sit in the back and ruin the curve for everyone. “But I’ll leave it on the board here,” he clacks it on with a magnet and Toni flinches, “and hopefully someone will come forward. Now onto today’s lesson.”

After class Martha goes up to the board and takes a picture of it, her eyes a little starry at the words and Toni grits her teeth.

“You have to admit it’s pretty,” Martha says. “Even you can’t deny that.”

“It’s dumb,” Toni says flatly, crossing her arms.

“Well I’m keeping it anyway, maybe someday someone will write a poem about me,” Martha says.

“How do you know it’s not about you?” Shelby asks coming out of nowhere and uninvited too. Toni glares at her, letting her open disdain shine through like sunshine through clouds after a gully washer.

“No guys notice me,” Martha informs Shelby sadly. “I bet Andrew wrote it for you.”

Shelby purses her lips and looks over the poem, “I doubt it. He’s more of a doer, I think. Besides, I’m sure that guys notice you, you went on a date with that boy Sam last month.”

Martha sighs and before she can launch into what a disaster that date was, Toni tightens her hands around her backpack.

“I’ll see you in science,” She tells Martha and manages to escape Shelby’s eyes burning at the back of her neck.

———

reasons not to kiss her

1.) this sort of love is not allowed. you are both too soft, and the world around you is all knives and chipped teeth

Toni had played about every sport she was allowed to growing up. Basketball was her favorite, but she loved beat it ball, the game she made up with the other kids in the neighborhood. It was basketball but without rules, devolving into fist fights within the first half. Nothing tasted better than her own bloody lip on a hot summer day. Not even the cool glass of lemonade Mrs. Blackburn always had ready when she ran all skinned knees to Martha’s telling her about how she beat guys two years older than her.

She got angry when she had to stop playing, moving to a different neighborhood. Apparently, Mrs. Blackburn had figured out that she wasn’t only getting her split lip from the older kids in the neighborhood.

The new foster parents were a little stricter, a little richer, and signed her up for youth soccer when she complained about how there was nothing to do without beat it ball.

Martha Blackburn would always be her person, but Toni didn’t expect to find her people so young. Dottie killed as goalie, and Becca’s sweetness made her defense all the better. But it was Shelby and Toni who were the dynamic duo. Toni had a never ending amount of energy as a midfielder and Shelby’s precision made her the perfect striker. It worked the same way every game, Becca would kick it to Toni, who got it to Shelby, who scored a goal. It got to the point that Becca didn’t even need to do much and the coach had to pull Toni aside to tell her to pass to the other girls too.

At the end of the season they sat together at the team party, wearing orange slice smiles. With sticky fingers they held hands and Toni kinda wondered how someone’s eyes could be so green.

Toni doesn’t remember why Shelby’s parents were so angry about them holding hands, but she knows Mr. Goodkind talked to her foster parents and Toni was off to a different home, in a different district, and she lost even Martha for a few months.

———

At lunch everyone’s talking about that fucking poem. Martha sent it around to the whole school and Leah is discussing its merits with Rachel and Nora. Even they don’t seem bored with the topic, though Nora is sure Quinn didn’t write it.

“It could be Monty,” Leah says. “I wouldn’t have thought he had an eye for this stuff.”

“I don’t think it’s Monty,” Rachel says. She looks at Nora, “C’mon, you know what I’m talking about, right?”

“What?” Nora asks.

“I mean it smells like Anna Akhmatova had a baby with Adrienne Rich,” Rachel says.

“Who had a baby with who?” Martha asks.

“Please,” Fatin says. “You’re not exactly the world’s leading expert on free form poetry.”

“Uh, I know when something’s written by a girl,” Rachel says. “I bet you fifty bucks some closet case wrote this.”

Everyone looks at Toni. “You caught me,” Toni deadpans.

“Rachel’s right,” Nora says. “A girl definitely wrote this. Toni, do you know anyone?”

Toni glares at her. “I’ll shake the lesbian phone tree and see what comes out.”

“Well, could it be Regan?” Martha asks. “Maybe she wants to—”

“It’s not fucking Regan,” Toni grabs her books and stalks out, kicking a chair randomly strewn around away as she did.

She hears Shelby sit down just as she leaves, “What’s got her madder than a baptized cat?” Shelby asks and Toni rolls her eyes.

———

2.) no one ever taught you how to love. your war paint and scarred hands could never hold her like she deserves

The worst of it was that Shelby was gentle. Her hands were warm and soft around Toni’s callouses, and there was a crinkle between her eyebrows as she focused on Toni’s hands. No, the worst of it was that Shelby didn’t let go of Toni’s hands when she finished, kept holding onto them as she met Toni’s eyes.

“Well?”

Toni swallowed hard, “I’m not gonna apologize.”

Shelby sighed, her thumb traced little circles around Toni’s hands. “I know today ain’t easy for you.” Toni scoffed and looked away. “But you know you were pickin' a fight. Andrew promised to leave you alone.”

Toni ripped her hands away and jumped from the bench of the locker room. “What the fuck do you know? You weren’t fucking there.”

Shelby’s calm only made Toni’s anger redder, “You ain’t denying it.”

“Why the fuck are you dating him? He’s a self-satisfied little asshole who just wants a little trophy girlfriend to—”

“Toni,” Shelby cut her off sharply and got to her feet, meeting Toni’s eyes.

“You’re not denying that either,” Toni spat.

She could’ve screamed at the hypocrisy. She wanted to scream. She wanted to pound her fists against the walls and bleed all over the bandages Shelby wrapped around her knuckles. She wanted to hurt, to make Shelby hurt. She wanted everyone to see and feel how hurt she was, and hurt them with that hurt. Finally level the playing field.

“Andrew is my business,” Shelby said. “Not yours.”

“He becomes my business when you—”

“When I what?” Shelby asked.

Toni looked at her hands, “Never mind.”

Shelby sighed, “Martha’s helping you move in today, right? Shel’ll be there the whole time?”

“Don’t pretend you give a shit.”

“Of course I care. The last time you lived with your mom you didn’t eat for a week.”

“I was five, not fifteen,” Toni said. “And seriously, stop pretending you give a shit.”

She shoulder checked Shelby as she walked out and winced at the sound of Shelby hitting the gym lockers. Her hands still sting where Andrew’s teeth had scrapped them.

———

Regan approaches Toni during science, her eyes serious. Martha straightens, and Toni does her best not to make eye contact.

“It’s not mine,” Regan says.

“Yeah duh,” Toni mutters.

Regan frowns, “I just—I didn’t want you to—”

“You made it perfectly clear what you want,” Toni says.

Regan sighs and leaves and Toni regrets it.

“Shelby thinks it’s Marcus,” Martha tells her. Toni blinks up at her and Martha nods. “She thinks he wrote it for me.”

“Martha, that kid is dumber than a box of rocks,” Toni says.

Martha furrows her brow, “Maybe he has hidden depths.”

“If you think it’s him ask him out,” Toni says.

“Shelby thinks it’s him,” Martha is quick to correct. “But he doesn’t even know who I am.”

Toni rolls her eyes. Marcus had been in love with Martha since the ninth grade. They had gotten placed as lab partners and he literally didn’t take his eyes off her the entire time. Every time there was a dance he would always look like he was about to say something, shoot his shot, when Martha would loudly proclaim she couldn’t wait to go with her friends.

Toni would’ve pulled the guy aside and told him to grow a pair, but a guy who’s not brave enough to go after what he wants wasn’t good enough for her Marty, not by a long shot.

“Rachel still thinks a girl wrote it,” Martha says.

“Maybe Rachel wrote it,” Toni mutters.

Martha’s eyes light up.

———

3.) no one has ever loved you this full surely you would drown in it all

Being a lifeguard was the worst. It was super boring, the pay was shit, and also Toni would probably get someone killed. Like, they pretended she was CPR certified but she absolutely had no idea how to do it. She went to some hour long course, slept through it, took a test that was just: should you kill people? And then they wrote some bullshit on some papers about a three week long set of classes.

But Shelby was tanned and golden looking and on their shifts they’d text back and forth about which kids they were betting on to win sharks and minnows. Tweenage boys in all their adolescent infancy would gaze open mouthed at Shelby and Toni alike but Shelby was the only one who let them down gently. Toni would ruin them for girls forever with something enough to cut through even the thickest skin.

On the fourth of July the pool paid for fireworks and Toni found a blanket and Shelby found her and they sat watching the reflections of the lights together. Shelby rested her head on Toni’s shoulder, all gentle, like she was afraid Toni would spook.

“I know this ain’t much of a holiday for you,” Shelby said. “But thank you for spending it with me.”

She had her hand on the blanket, splayed out like she was waiting for Toni to take it, there in front of everyone. Toni imagined a world in which she did.

———

“Yeah it’s not me,” Rachel says. “I wish I could write that good.”

Which is such bullshit because Toni knows Rachel could say well if she wanted to. Rachel’s weird inferiority complex about Nora pisses off Toni to no end. Nora’s the smart one, Rachel will be the first to say, and Rachel’s the athletic one. But Nora has a six minute mile and Rachel has perfect pitch so Toni hates them both.

“Maybe it’s Dot,” Toni suggests and Rachel, Nora, and Martha snicker.

Out of all of them, Martha’s the best driver, but they always end up in Rachel’s car after school anyway.

“Most of the school seems to think it’s by Andrew,” Nora says. Toni’s fists clench.

“Yeah,” Rachel rolls her eyes, “I’m sure he would love to take the credit. C’mon Toni, you don’t know any lesbians who could’ve written this?”

“You’re a lesbian too,” Toni says. “You don’t know any?”

“I don’t have a life outside of the pool,” Rachel says, “and none of them have picked up a book since Hop on Pop.”

“Regan says it wasn’t her,” Martha cuts in helpfully. “But maybe it’s another kid in theatre. Shelby says—”

“Oh my god,” Toni grits out. “What is everyone’s deal with her anyway? Why is everyone still obsessed with her? She’s just another basic Jesus bitch.”

The car goes quiet and Toni wishes she could melt into her seat cushion.

“I didn’t mean that,” Toni says.

“Except you did,” Martha snaps.

Toni winces.

“What’s your deal with her?” Rachel asks. “You guys were fine last year.”

“Quinn says there’s a poetry club,” Nora says. “Maybe it’s someone there?”

No one takes the bait and they don’t talk the rest of the way.

———

4.) she belongs in a museum, and you are merely here to gaze. look around you, all the signs scream ‘do not touch’

“Shelby?”

Toni grabbed the shoulder of the girl and pulled her away from Marcus. Shelby was bruised lips and ruined make up and Toni took her by the hand. Thank god Martha wasn’t here, thank god Andrew wasn’t here, thank god Marcus looked just as trashed.

“Toni?” Shelby sorta stumbled, her ankle twisting painfully on her heel and Toni steadied her.

Shelby could do a cartwheel in six inch heels.

“I’m gonna get you home, okay?” Toni called over the music.

Shelby didn’t really respond, just leant into Toni as she led her away and outside. The party had spilled into the backyard and front yard some, the cops probably already on their way, but everyone was too fucking hammered to notice them making their way out.

Shelby’s house was only about a twenty minute walk but it was cold and Toni was only wearing her basketball shorts and her mom’s jacket that she promptly put over Shelby’s shoulders.

“Are you still—” Shelby swallowed hard, “You’re still living with your mom?”

“Mostly with Martha,” Toni said.

“Martha’s great,” Shelby said. “She’s so pretty it makes my eyes hurt.”

“One of our finest,” Toni grunted as Shelby nearly fell on her heels again.

“She could be a model,” Shelby told her. “We should get waffle house.”

“Shelbs, we’re nowhere near a waffle house.”

“What was Becca’s order? At waffle house?”

Toni sighed, looping an arm around her. “I dunno.”

“Neither do I,” Shelby said.

“I’m sorry, Shelby,” Toni said.

Shelby shook her head and stopped right there, circling her arms around Toni and pressing her into a hug. Toni closed her eyes, holding her back as tightly as she dared.

“Oh, Shelby, I’m so fucking sorry.”

———

“Day two!” Mr. Williams calls. He taps the poem again, “I will investigate the handwriting if the poet doesn’t come forward by Friday. I know it’s someone in one of my classes.”

His eyes narrow as he takes them all in and his eyes don’t linger on Toni. Not even for a moment.

There’s a part of her that wants to march up to the front of the room and write her name down, make eye contact with everyone who never even considered her before. But no one expects shit from her, and even if he does go over the handwriting he won’t really be able to pin it on her. He might not even bother checking to see if it matches.

Toni tries not to jump when Marcus takes the seat in front of her during quant lit. It’s not like they have assigned seating but everyone sticks to the same seats anyway. Marcus won’t get shit for it though, perks of being the quarterback.

“So, listen,” he scratches the back of his head and Toni rolls her eyes at him. “I know we aren’t really friends but I—um.”

“Marcus,” Toni says.

“I wanna ask Martha out,” Marcus rushes out. “She’s like the nicest, smartest, coolest girl in the school and like her eyes are out of this world radical.” Radical? “And I would take her somewhere nice like Olive Garden. Or Cheesecake Factory? And pay for it, and open all the doors for her, and I’d carry her books to class—”

“On your date? This is happening during school?” Toni asks.

His eyebrows furrow as he tries to connect the dots. Football players.

“Oh no! I meant like, after, if she wants me to,” He says. “Can I?”

“Can you what?”

“Can I ask her out?”

Toni blinks at him. “What?”

“My buddy said if you want to get with a girl you get close to the best friend first, and I figured I’d ask you for your blessing because that’s what they do in old fashioned stuff right?” He bounces up in down in his seat. “Can I? Or like, do you wanna give me your blessing?”

She feels like she’s having an aneurysm.

Listen, Marcus having feelings for Martha is one thing. Everyone on the planet who’s ever met Martha falls a little in love with her. That’s kinda just how she operates. Toni narrowly avoided that pitfall by being lucky enough to know her since she was five, but it was a tough time. But Marcus was never gonna act on it. Marcus can’t—he’s the quarterback.

It’s basic math, Marcus is a six foot five football player with shoulders wide enough to bench press the Subaru Forrester Toni’s legally required to buy when she turns thirty-two. He’s got that all American boy smile that shows of perfectly white teeth, and dark hair that sweeps in front of his eyes. His face looks like it was sculpted out of marble, like literally he looks like some sort of roman god, except if that roman god volunteered at the humane society on the weekends and called his mom Mami.

Martha is a res girl who’s best friend is the dyke with anger issues. And like yeah, she’s stupid pretty, but Marcus has exclusively dated varsity cheerleaders since the seventh grade.

So yeah, even if Marcus may have feelings for Marty, everyone fucking does, and there’s a host of reasons why she doesn’t have a date to every dance and a new guy every week. And most of them are the cliche high school movie hierarchy sort.

“It’s really none of my business, man,” she says.

“Dude, it’s totally your business,” Marcus says. He leans closer, “you two are like sisters right? What do I gotta do to prove I’m not gonna hurt her? I’ll do your math homework for a month, no two months.”

A thought occurs to Toni and it’s a terrible one. But when has that ever stopped her?

“You’re in my honors English class right?”

Marcus’s face screws in, “Uh, yeah. But I don’t think you want me doing your homework in there, I’m like totally failing.”

“I have a better idea.”

———

5.) she touches you like youre fragile, and if you break you wont be able put yourself together again

Dot was asleep which was Toni’s first indication that something was deeply wrong. The second was that Shelby wasn’t. She was definitely trying her darnedest, but Toni could tell she was awake. Awake in her arms.

Toni shifted, just enough to let Shelby know she was awake too. The movie was some horror flick, something dumb and flashy and almost muted it was so quiet. It was the only thing rated R that they could all agree on. Dot’s house was the only place they were allowed to watch anything rated R when they were still thirteen, so it was all they watched there.

She felt Shelby shift up, so her head rested on Toni’s chest, shifted until her lips met Toni’s clavicle.

Toni wondered if she’d die.

Shelby went up instead of down, pressing kisses up the length of Toni’s neck, soft barely there things that made Toni’s breath catch as she watched Dot snore on the couch next to them.

Toni’s hands moved to the inside of Shelby’s thighs and they stared there, tracing delicate patterns that only made Shelby curl closer.

“I think you’re probably the most beautiful girl I ever saw,” Shelby whispered.

“I—”

“I’m not done.”

Toni’s mouth clamped shut.

“I think about you all the time,” Shelby whispered. “Even when I—”

“Shelby,” Toni warned. Shelby pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth.

“You’re right,” Shelby said.

Neither of them slept that night.

———

Toni walks into class three minutes late with Mr. Williams, and takes her seat with a sulk.

“He still won’t let me redo that paper,” Toni mutters to Martha who’s eyes are wide.

“Toni, Marcus just—” She nods her head at the poem where Mr. Williams is studying it too.

“Marcus Gonzales?” Mr. Williams asks.

Marcus gets to his feet.

“You wrote this?”

“Yessir.”

“This poem right here?”

“Yessir.”

Mr. Williams blinks and takes off his spectacles, setting them down on the desk. “We’ll talk after class. I should hope everyone has a copy of—”

“I wrote it for Martha,” Marcus doesn’t sit down and the entire class stares at him.

“—Franny and Zooey and I would like you all to turn to page 52. Begin by annotating—”

“Martha, can I take you out on a date?” Marcus asks.

“—this first section, and on to page 64. Remember what Seymour serves as in—”

Martha blushes hard and glances at Toni who smiles before she looks back at Marcus in all his golden boy 6’5” glory.

“Um, okay,” she mutters out and he grins.

“Cool.” Marcus finally sits and gives Toni a thumbs up. She rolls her eyes.

“—this story and compare that to his roles in the other parts of the work we’ve read.”

“I told you it was for you, girl,” Shelby says on Martha’s other side. “People always have a way of surprising you.”

———

6.) she is all bubblegum skies and chapped stick kisses, and you cannot watch the love run out of another persons eyes

They were all a little bit slap happy by the end of the night. A little bit drunk, a little bit high, and laughing far too hard at one another.

“I’m scared,” Shelby told them, still grinning wider than any pageant smile.

“Girl, you picked dare,” Fatin said.

“I did,” Shelby bit her lip. “But all y’all dared Leah to do was finish the vodka.”

“That was—that was bad vodka,” Leah slurred from her position on Dot’s lap.

“But now we’re out of vodka,” Martha sang. “You picked dare.”

“I’ll go with you,” Toni got to her feet, surprised when they were more steady than she assumed they’d be. “Two chairs right?”

“Alright,” Shelby said. “And you’ll hold my hand?”

“Sure princess,” Toni rolled her eyes.

It was an office supply place, probably. The parking lot had this killer decline, and it was one of those spring nights where nothing could really ruin anything. Not forever.

The rolling chairs were kinda gross, left there but not yet picked up by the garbage men. They had to do a special pickup for that, which costed extra. No one in the office had done it for the weeks the girls had been going there after parties.

“Be careful,” Nora urged.

“Don’t fall,” Rachel suggested.

“Hold on, I’m not recording yet,” Fatin said. “Okay now go.”

They pushed off in their rolling chairs, holding hands, and sped down the decline laughing as they barely managed to hold on and steer at the same time.

Toni went flying as she bumped into a patch of grass and for some reason, Shelby went flying with her, landing on top. Toni grunted, but she wasn’t in pain, not really.

They met eyes.

“Sorry,” Shelby said. She didn’t sound sorry.

“You okay?” Toni asked.

Shelby smiled, this real soft thing, Toni wondered what it’d taste like.

“Fuck yeah bitches! I’m so putting that on snapchat!” Fatin screamed and Shelby pulled away, turning white.

“God if this is you in in freshman year, I’m terrified of you as a senior,” Toni called back.

Shelby’s hand slipped out of her’s and Toni tried very very hard not to overthink it.

———

“So I’ve been thinking,” Leah said. Toni took her gym bag out of her locker, pretty much the only thing she kept in there.

“Oh no.”

“Rachel was right about that poem being written by a girl,” Leah continued. “Which meant Marcus lied. And Marcus would never do that unless someone gave him permission to take credit. And since Marcus lied so he could ask Martha out that means the person who wrote the poem wanted Martha to be happy.”

Toni swallowed hard and tried not to fumble with the lock, stumbling with it.

“Toni,” Leah walked over to her. “You need to face the facts: Shelby’s into you.”

Toni blinked, “What?”

“She wrote that whole poem for you, don’t tell me you don’t see it. It’s about you!”

“She—” Toni stopped and furrowed her brow, finally making eye contact with Leah, “You think she wrote that poem for me?”

Leah nodded, “And she let Marcus take the credit. Listen, I know I’m right. I’ve been thinking about it for ages. Whatever fight the two of you had—you need to get over it. She’s into you, Toni. She’s been into you.”

“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” Toni told her. “Seriously, fuck you Leah and fuck off. This is none of your fucking business.”

“You aren’t denying it,” Leah crowed. “Shelby likes you.”

“No she fucking doesn’t!” Toni spat at her. “She fucking hates me! She didn’t write that poem Marcus did! For Martha!”

Leah’s brow furrowed, “But… but you wanted her to. Didn’t you?”

Toni looked away.

“Shelby’s actually straight, isn’t she?” Leah asked. “Fuck Toni.”

“I’m happy for Martha,” Toni said, and marched away.

———

7.) if you jump, she might catch you, and then youd have to watch as she tumbled through the dark

“What if we ran away?” Shelby asked, which was Toni’s third indication that the punch was spiked.

The first two were her arms wrapped around Toni’s waist, swaying in the soft breeze to the distant music of Junior prom.

“Oh yeah?” Toni asked. “Where’d we go?”

“Peru,” Shelby said. “Or LA, or New York or—” Shelby sort of trailed off, losing her thought halfway through it.

“Our parents,” Toni pointed out. She’d moved in with Martha a few months ago but her mom had taken it as a wakeup call, promising to get her shit back together as soon as she could. Toni couldn’t help but believe her, even if it put her in stasis.

“Right,” Shelby sounded cold, “Our parents.”

“Are things worse with them?” Toni asked.

“No,” Shelby said. “The same, really. They’ve lightened up since—since Becca. Have you heard from your mom?”

“Every week or so,” Toni said. “And if you ever need a break you know—“

“Martha is happy to have me,” Shelby finished.

Toni smiled and pulled away enough to meet Shelby’s eyes, her hands slid from behind Shelby’s neck to either side.

“Did I tell you you look beautiful tonight?” Toni asked.

“You did,” Shelby said.

“Can I say it again?”

“You can.”

“You look beautiful tonight.” Shelby closed her eyes and Toni tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re gonna get out, you know that right?”

Shelby nodded, leaning into Toni’s hand.

Later, Toni will learn that was one of two lies Shelby told that night.

———

Martha gets home at 11:30, exactly when Marcus promised, and Toni smiles as her sister collapses backwards into her bed.

“Toni,” she actually giggles, giggles like a little school girl. “It was amazing.”

“Where’d you go?” Toni asks.

“Olive Garden, I think he was trying to win points with you,” Martha says.

“As he should,” Toni nods.

“He was the perfect gentleman,” Martha swoons. She rolls onto her stomach and looks at Toni and oh god, Toni knows that look. “He did tell me something about you, though.”

“Oh yeah? How I’m better in quant lit than him?” Toni asks.

“He told me you wrote the poem,” she says.

Toni looks away, “Okay, and?”

“You told me you were over Regan,” Martha says.

“It’s complicated,” Toni decides. “And whatever. I wrote it awhile ago anyway.”

“Have you thought about submitting it to that contest Mr. Williams was talking about?” Martha asks.

“Can we go back to talking about your date with Prince Charming?” Toni says. Martha acquiesces, she’s too damn giddy to do anything else.

———

8.) her gaze is too gentle. you will not be the one to tell her that not everything can be fixed with a smile

“Toni,” Dot began, and Toni could tell she was looking at her. “Toni, is Shelby—is she gay?”

Toni snickered, “Dot, Shelby is possibly the biggest straight girl in our school. Maybe our state. She’d sooner give herself a buzzcut than she would ever even kiss a girl."

“Andrew said Shelby got a job as a counselor at this church camp—Guiding Light—in Plano,” Dot said. “I wanted to find the address so I could write to her and it’s a conversion camp.”

The breath left Toni’s body.

“What?”

“And I got to thinking,” Dot said. “About what a mess she was after Becca died this year. Ignoring us, going to all those parties, signing up for a crazy number of pageants. Hell, it was only once you two started talking that she talked to us again.”

“Stop it, Dot.”

“Toni is Shelby gay?”

“Dot,” Toni said.

“Because if she’s gay, if she’s not there as a camp counselor—Toni, did you know about this?”

“Of course not! Jesus!” Toni said. She jumped to her feet and started to pace, “Jesus Christ. Oh my god.”

“Toni is Shelby gay?”

Toni looked at Dot and Dot sighed, her entire body sagging.

“What do we do?” Toni asked.

Dot, her solid, steady, friend since fucking youth soccer was silent.

“Dot, what do we do?”

“Dot, what the fuck do we do?”

———

Shelby finds her before school, Toni smoking like she hasn’t since ninth grade when Bernice gave her a stern lecture about lung cancer. It made Toni cry, actually. Not because it was so stern but because Martha and Toni had been separated for three years and Bernice still cared enough to get angry with her. She promised then and there to stop, and each drag she took now makes her feel like she’s committing treason.

“Smokin’ kills,” Shelby tells her, like they didn’t all go to Dot’s dad’s funeral last year.

Toni takes another drag, just to watch Shelby roll her eyes.

“How’d Martha’s date go last night?” Shelby asks.

Toni glares, “Seriously? You avoid me all year and now you’re asking about Martha’s date?” Shelby looks away. “It went fine. Whatever.”

“I just—I was surprised Marcus wrote that poem is all.”

“You literally said multiple times you thought it was him,” Toni says.

“I know, I know but—”

“Still holding out hope for Andrew?” Toni sneers. “Marcus may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but he cares about Martha. Even a fucking idiot could write a half decent poem if they had someone worth writing about.”

Shelby meets her eyes and Toni’s breath catches.

“Know a lot about poetry, Toni?”

Fuck fuck fuck.

Toni flicks the only half used cigarette away. “I have to go to class,” She says, aware it’s just about the worst thing she can do.

Shelby doesn’t even need the last word, she’s aware she’s already won.  

———

9.) she is so good. she is so good, and you cannot ruin one more good thing

It hadn’t been the first time Toni found her mom overdosed on the couch, but it’d been the most terrifying. Toni had waited in the school parking lot for a pick up for twenty minutes before Shelby had offered her a ride.

When they trooped inside, after having to use the key Tamera kept tucked away in a loose brick, her mom had been passed out on the couch. And the stupid thing had been that Toni had known her mom hadn’t been doing great. Like she’d known Tamera had lost her job, and was close to losing the car, that the pain in her back had been getting worse again from stress. Toni had known that.

But for some stupid, naive reason, Toni had never thought she’d pull this, go back to who she was.

Her tolerance was low, the doctors had told her, because she’d been clean for so long. She hadn’t realized it and had taken more than she could handle.

Shelby had taken the three of them to the hospital, helped carry Toni’s drooling mother into the ER, and held Toni’s hand until the other girls showed up, who she texted to come.

Shelby had been there when the police and social services came to talk to her about going back into foster care. Shelby had never left her side.

Toni couldn’t help but contrast that to the Shelby she saw now. The Shelby who showed up for senior year was barely christian, barely anything, just sort of blank and empty and waiting to grow up so she could have daughters that'd also wait to grow up so that they could have daughters that’d also wait to grow up so that they could have daughters that’d also

Shelby didn’t even look at her, for the first week of senior year she didn’t even look at Toni. She talked with Martha in that faux friendly way, she passed off on lunch invitations to do school work and Toni felt like she was going insane.

Sometimes she would just stare at the back of Shelby’s head in English class, writing whatever gibberish came to mind, and not listening to Mr. Williams at all. Just stare, for forty-five minutes, at a girl who wouldn’t even make eye contact, Toni’s pencil moving rapidly as she barely even glanced at the words her hands produced.

On the last day of the semester Toni finally looked away and came to two realizations:

a. Her mother was never getting better. Not really. b. Toni had written P E R U over forty times in her notebook.

As quietly as she could she tore the page out, and maybe about fifteen pages behind it, filled with similar drivel and recycled them at the end of class.

When the next semester started the seats were changed and something she’d written that she barely remembered was on the board.

Her mother was still in rehab.

———

Toni watches Marcus carry Martha’s backpack to class and watches as Martha giggles at him, argues with him. She is literally so happy it makes Toni’s heart burst.

“Shelby’s quite the matchmaker, huh?” Fatin asks.

Toni looks at her.

“Leah told me,” Fatin explains.

Toni rolls her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what I said too,” Fatin says. “Leah’s good at noticing things but putting the pieces together is not her strong suit. So I called Dorothy.”

This makes Toni’s shoulders tense and Fatin wraps an arm around them.

“Dorothy didn’t want to talk but what she didn’t say was enough.” Fatin sighs, “I’m all for a little drama but this is cutting into my me time.”

“What going from twenty-four hours a day to twenty-three and a half?” Toni asks.

“God forbid,” Fatin nods sagely. “I didn’t know you could write.”

“I can’t.”

“Clearly not.”

Toni slips out from under her arm, and follows Martha into class. Mr. Williams glares as she comes in and Toni realizes if Marcus came clean to Martha he definitely came clean to Mr. Williams. At least the poem is off the board.

When he passes out papers from a recent essay her’s has a “see me after class” sticker that makes Toni slide down in her seat. Martha doesn’t even notice enough to give her an odd look because she and Shelby are yukking it up about the quarterback.

When everyone files out she hangs back and he looks at her, over his spectacles.

“I’m disappointed,” he says at last.

Toni scoffs.

“You write essays based off spark notes, you never participate, and half the time you don’t even do the homework. But you write this.” He slides the crumpled paper over his desk, her poem shining back at her. “So all I can conclude is that you’re lazy.”

Yeah, obviously.

“Why did you have Marcus tell everyone he wrote it?” Mr. Williams asks.

“So he could ask out Martha.”

“He didn’t need to have written the poem to do that,” Mr. Williams says.

“Can I go?” Toni asks.

“I want to submit this poem to a contest, I want you to start trying in this class, and this,” he hands her a slip of paper with about twenty sets of numbers on it, “is a list of Dickinson poems I want you to read by next week. Pick at least three to write me at least a page about. Single spaced.”

“What?” Toni asks, “You can’t make me do that.”

“I know half the kids in this class write off spark notes, I can easily have them all—including you—fail. So yes, yes I can actually.” He takes off his spectacles and Toni glares at him. “You’re a smart kid, Toni. You’ve got a talent for this.”

Toni shakes her head, “I’m a one hit wonder.”

“You know Britney Spears said the same thing after Baby One More Time.”

“That’s not true,” Toni says.

“Yeah,” Mr. Williams says. “Because she kept working at it.”

And Toni takes the slip of paper with the numbers on it, and marches to her next class and he watches her the whole way, not bothering to put on his stupid spectacles.

———

10.) you will not watch her crumble under the weight of your sins. she is too light, too breathless to be caught up in the dizziness of your heart

Dot didn’t invite them all to the funeral but they came anyway, even Shelby who Toni knew had been waffling back and forth.

Some of his army friends showed up, a doctor or two, and Mateo—the hot nurse Dot steadily ignored. It was a small and quiet service, and the seven of them sat towards the back, holding steady for her.

There was too much on Dot’s shoulders, there always had been, but she didn’t look any freer now that the burden was lifted. She just looked scared, small, and sad.

Toni couldn’t help but wonder if that was what she’d look like, if she got the call about her mom. It was a terribly selfish thought but who could blame her?

Shelby’s hands interlocked with hers, in broad daylight, and stayed there for the entire day. When Toni met her eyes she saw pure terror reflected back at her.

God, were they really only seventeen?

———

Rachel is complaining at lunch about owing Nora five bucks, how she was so sure some closet case wrote the poem but it’s no surprise Nora got it right.

Fatin and Leah don’t contribute and Martha probably wouldn’t have either except she was eating lunch with Marcus, they had found their own little table and were smiling at one another.

“They’re certainly cute together,” Shelby says, glancing back at Martha and Marcus.

“I say it’s weird they have the same name,” Rachel says.

“Says the girl who dated a guy named Raymond,” Nora says.

Rachel throws a straw wrapper at him, “That was a phase and you know it.”

“Marcus is sweet,” Shelby says. “If anyone deserves someone sweet it’s Martha.”

“Don’t you think he’s a little,” Leah trailed off and they all looked at her. “You know a little…”

“Spit it out, Leah,” Rachel says.

“Like the porch lights on but no one’s home?” Leah says.

“Martha is smart enough for the both of them,” Toni says. “And thank god because I was sick of doing his homework in quant lit.”

“That’s literally the easiest math class there is,” Fatin says and Toni shrugs.

“What’s that?” Shelby asks, pointing at the yellow slip sticking out of Toni’s binder.

“Some extra credit stuff, from Williams. Apparently I’m not doing so hot in that class,” Toni says.

Rachel leans way over from the other end of the table. “What is that, Dickinson?”

“It’s a list of numbers,” Shelby says. “Why would it be Dickinson?”

“All of Dickinson’s poems were numbered. It was only after she died that other people named them,” Nora says.

“And Nora said it so you know it’s true,” Rachel smirks.

“Join the fucking club,” Dot says to Toni. “I don’t know why y’all didn’t take non-honors English twelve with me. We just sit around and talk about whatever football game was on the most recently.”

“Well I’ve never liked football so.” Toni gets up, “I’ve gotta talk to my science teacher. I’ll see you guys after school.”

“I’ll go with you,” Shelby smiles and Toni clenches her jaw. “Ms. Roberts said I needed to rework my psych paper.”

“See you guys,” Rachel says and as they leave she’s arguing with Dot about why football is stupid and Toni can feel Fatin’s eyes on her all the way out.

———

reasons to kiss her

1.) she loves you, and her eyes are closed, and didnt your mother ever tell you not to leave a good thing waiting

Toni hated the magnet program kids at her middle school. Like everyone not in their cluster she found them annoying, rich, and privileged as fuck. They only hung out with each other and it was clear they’d never give—

———

“Toni?”

The stair well is empty, it’s the short cut through the language hallway and no one goes there during lunch.

Toni is working hard on ignoring Shelby but is forced to turn around when Shelby stops halfway up.

“Ms. Roberts doesn’t need me to rework my psych paper.”

Toni stares at her.

Shelby takes a step up, one step closer to Toni.

“I had hoped maybe you wrote it for Regan,” Shelby says.

“No such luck,” Toni croaks out.

“That’s a lot of reasons not to kiss someone,” Shelby says. “You’d think if you really shouldn’t kiss someone you’d only need the one.” She takes another step up, until they’re only separated by a few inches.

“I guess,” Toni says.

“Are you really gonna keep me waiting?” Shelby says.

Toni blinks, “You mean you still—”

“I have to do everything myself,” Shelby says.

She kisses her.

[finnsgrin]

Unspoken Love - Jasper Jordan

Jasper Jordan x reader

From my Wattpad: inanoncriminalwayy

GIF: juhnmorphy

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

After his unfortunate encounter with the Grounders, you confess your feelings for Jasper, fearing his life is slipping away and you'll never have the chance to tell him.

SEASON 1 SPOILERS

Word count: 5,570

Published: June 14, 2020

TW: Blood and pain

A/N, PLEASE READ! Hey everyone! This is my first ever The 100 Imagine! I know it's long, but what else do you have to do while quarantined? I hope you like this Imagine! If you use other pronouns, just replace them with the ones I used in this Imagine. I used she/her, because that's personally what I use.

xx, El

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

♡Masterlist♡

"Please please PLEASE be safe."

Lack of oxygen on the Ark was a luxury compared to how much air your best friends Jasper and Monty were being deprived of as you held them both tightly in a group hug.

"(Y/N)...can't...breath." Jasper patted you quickly several times on the back, awkwardly trying to escape from your embrace.

You released them, giving an apologetic smile.

"We'll be fine. We're just gonna get food and water, and we'll be back before nightfall." Monty gently reassured you.

That was what scared you the most.

How were they so calm in a situation such like this?

Hurdled from the sky onto the ground which wasn't even 100% survivable, miles away from the fallout shelter you were supposed to be at, with 100, (now 98) teenage delinquents who had no adult supervision whatsoever.

Yeah, what could go wrong?

You took one last look at Jasper, who was adjusting his black goggles on his forehead, and gazing in awe at the green forest which surrounded you.

Without warning, you flung into his arms.

He stumbled back, off balance.

"Woah, (Y/N), chill out. We'll be fine." He laughed, hugging you once more.

"Why don't I get a hug like that?" Monty pouted, jutting his lip out, a smirk dancing on his lips.

You smiled, gifting one of your famous hugs to the boy.

Monty broke away, grinning, and turned to Clarke Griffin, who was now calling out orders to those on the ground.

"Okay, everyone, listen up! Finn, Jasper, Monty, Octavia, Wells, Bellamy and I are all going to the mountain where were originally supposed to land. We'll be grabbing everything we need for a day or so, and then we're all gonna hike there together. (Y/N) (Y/L/N) is in charge. Out of all of us, she paid the most attention in our survival classes. If you even have a prayer of getting through the night without being eaten alive, I strongly advise that you listen to her. Do I make myself clear?"

Disapproving murmurs could be heard around camp, mainly from John Murphy and his group of friends.

"Who made you Queen of the ground?" Murphy spoke up, several people agreeing with him.

Bellamy pushed his way towards the front of the crowd, causing everyone to quiet down.

"No one did. But Clarke's right. Out of all of us, (Y/L/N) is the one who knows what to do. Now you can run off by yourself, or you can pitch in and have a shot at surviving."

All eyes trailed on me, and I couldn't stop the blush that crept on my cheeks.

I never enjoyed being the center of attention. Now I had to babysit 90 rebellious teenagers?

There was no way they were ever going to listen to me. I didn't even commit a crime! I was framed. We have nothing in common except that we were all born on the Ark and flung to the ground. It was just pure luck that Monty and Jasper happened to be on the drop ship. I could trust no one but them.

The 7 teens made their way to the woods, and I felt panic surge through me.

I had liked Jasper for the longest time.

I've always been a closed book. You're lucky if you get through chapter one.

But Jasper and Monty know everything about me.

The one thing they both don't know, is my love for Jasper.

Normally, I would trust Monty, like I did with everything else.

But this was different.

The boy who defended me when I was getting bullied and pushed around by John Murphy.

The boy who helped me with my science homework.

The boy who made me laugh when a smile seemed impossible.

We had sat across each other on the drop ship, fear evident in both of our eyes.

Even then, when death could have been minutes away, I still didn't have the guts to tell him how I feel.

"Jasper!" I caught his wrist, the touch familiar to me.

He turned, eyebrow raised, waiting for a response.

I chickened out.

"Your shoes untied." Was the best I could come up with.

He smirked at our inside joke.

The day we had met was the first day of kindergarten, and I was wearing a pair of my moms old slip on shoes.

Jasper came up to me with a red crayon in his hand, and told me with a smile that my shoe was untied.

I frowned, looking down at my feet.

"But I don't have laces." I had explained, perplexed.

He laughed, explaining the joke and then introducing me to his friend, Monty.

But we were naive school kids then who had no worries other than if an asteroid was going to strike the Ark.

"Let's go!" I heard Bellamy Blake, the oldest of us all, call to Jasper who I was still holding on to.

It's now or never, (Y/N).

"Jasper, we gotta go, man!" Monty jogged back, tugging on his arm.

I let go, and he was gone.

Tears pricked my eyes and I felt stupid.

What if that was the last chance I ever had? What if he got eaten by a giant worm?

I shook my head, forcing the bad out.

Now, all I could think of was positive.

It took me a few seconds to realize that a group had gathered around me. Some looking bored, others scared.

"So, what do we do now?" A girl with her arms crossed over her chest asked me.

I blinked, reminding myself that I was now in charge.

Thanks, Clarke.

I made a mental note to give her a piece of my mind as soon as things settled down.

Back on the Ark, I was often the first choice parents had when they needed a babysitter.

Kids loved me, and I connected with them effortlessly.

Something told me a group building activity wasn't going to happen down here.

I cleared my throat, my mind racing.

Yes, I had paid the most attention in our survival classes, but now it seemed like everything I learned had been erased.

"Well? Do you know anything, or not?" John Murphy was tapping his foot impatiently.

Part of me wanted to snap back with sass, something I was particularly good at.

But this was no time for conflict.

If there's one thing I know about kids, it's that they hate being told what to do.

But these weren't just any kids.

Some of them were here for murder.

"There are 90 of us in all. We're all going to divid equally and do our share. If you don't wanna do anything, that's fine. Just note that you won't be having dinner tonight."

The few people who had secluded themselves from the group joined us.

I began counting off, making sure to keep Murphy with me as I was clearly the only one who had self control.

Anyone else would gladly tear his head off.

I had ten people working on the drop ship, cleaning up the inside.

Eighteen more were scavenging what they could and bringing it outside, as well as picking up debris on the outside.

A few feet away from where we landed were a field of flowers, several which I knew to be edible.

Twenty of us plucked primrose, thistle, dandelions, rose hip, and daisies.

I had another twenty scavenge for pine nuts along the trunk of trees, and strip the needles for tea.

Ten more were starting fires, and another ten setting snares in the forest, which I had to teach them how to do.

It was good, having something to take my mind off of Jasper.

With John Murphy by my side, I had a lot more to think about.

Why hadn't anyone killed this boy?

Could I kill him now?

Why did he talk so much?

"Am I gonna get dinner tonight? You're not letting me do anything." He grumbled as I helped a girl assemble her twitch up snare.

You'll be lucky if you aren't dead by tonight. I'll kill you myself. I thought to myself.

"You are doing something. You're my...apprentice. The only one who has enough strength to tell people what to do. There's a sense of authority in you. You've already watched me make the fires and snares and okay the plants. If anything were to happen to me, you would take my place."

That was a downright lie.

I would trust a wild pack of wolves before I put my trust in John Murphy.

But my lie seemed to appease him, and he was quiet for a few minutes.

I knew there was water somewhere, which is why I didn't send anyone for it.

Vegetation was so evident, and plants were lush and beautiful. I could hear the roar of a stream nearby.

Besides, I didn't want anyone out of my sight.

Turns out with 88 people working feverishly, the job is done fairly quick.

The drop ship was cleaned out, the bodies buried, plants picked, and nuts peeled.

Everyone collapsed on the ground, exhausted.

"Good work everyone. I'm gonna take these plants down to the stream and wash them off. Those who set snares, please set some more, or teach others how to do so."

Someone had managed to scrounge up a makeshift metal pot from inside the drop ship, and several sheets of thin fabric.

If it were up to me, I would have gone to the stream by myself. A few minutes of alone time were all I really needed.

But, it wasn't up to me.

This was life or death.

"Murphy, I need you to come with me. Bring your friends, too. I need strong people to carry back the water."

Feeding the ego of cocky boys is so easy.

Murphy and his friends agreed to go, flexing their muscles as they walked along the path of the woods with me.

"Who's watching camp while we're gone?" One of Murphys friends asked, wiping his sweaty brow with the back of his hands.

Shoot.

I knew I had forgotten something.

"I'm sure they can all manage for a few minutes."

I hoped so.

"You all worked really hard. I think everyone is too tired to start a fight."

I hope that was true, too.

We reached the stream which wasn't too far from camp. It wasn't big by any means, but it was enough to hydrate and clean us.

Murphy and his friends beamed from ear to ear, and I stopped them before they could continue with their plan.

"Wait until we clean and collect. THEN you can hop in."

That seemed to be agreeable enough, after I explained that we would be swallowing their sweat if they got in now.

I took the greens, and bundled them together in a sheet of cloth, and bunched the material together, then dunked them, giving it a shake.

As the boys frolicked in the water, my mind wandered back to Jasper.

How long had they been gone?

An hour? Two?

What if they never came back? What if I was now the mother of these criminals?

"That's enough playing. We gotta get back." I stood from the flat rock I was sitting on, and ignored the grumbled complaints from the soaked boys.

It was a relief that I had asked several people to come along. There was no way I could carry that giant vessel full of water on my own.

Thankfully, things were more or less the same when we arrived back at camp.

Some people fanned themselves with sheets of metal found in the drop ship.

Others dozed on the grass, occasionally swatting away a bug.

But the best thing was my group of snarers holding up several fat rabbits that must have stumbled into their traps.

Everyone cheered, engrossed by the sight of fresh meat.

I smiled, setting the plants by my feet.

"Excellent! We'll have a lovely stew tonight!" I announced, examining the prey.

Water was boiling, greens were being sorted, and rabbit was being skinned.

"They're back!" I heard someone call.

I set down the rabbit I was currently breaking the legs of, and I hopped up.

My eyes searched for Jasper, more than excited to present to him the lovely meal we were able to have tonight.

I wondered what they had brought back with them.

But I didn't see Jasper.

1,2,3,4,5,6...

Six?

Six of our people sprinted into camp, faces red and sweat drenched clothes.

"Everyone in the drop ship! Move, move!" I heard Bellamy scream.

Jasper? Where was Jasper?

"Where's Jasper?" I ran to Monty, who looked like he was about to pass out.

He shook slightly, and extended his trembling hand to me.

Clutched tightly in between his fingers, were Jaspers goggles.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Confused and frightened glances were exchanged as we all stumbled into the drop ship, abandoning the food, and the boiling water over the fire.

Panic surged through me once more as I struggled to make sense of our new reality.

"What happened?"

"Is he dead?"

"Did you make it to the mountain?"

Questions were being thrown like dodgeballs in gym class.

I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the dimly lit space in the drop ship.

Bellamy had closed the door.

Claustrophobia crept over me and I felt sick.

The only thing keeping me steady was Monty's arm, which I was clutching like a lifeline.

"Everyone shut up!" Bellamy's booming voice echoed throughout the small space, and we all covered our ears as the sound bounced back to us.

All fell silent.

"Where's the one with the goggles?" A girl with a big mouth asked.

Bellamy clenched his jaw, and looked at the ground, frustration radiating off of him.

"I need you all to remain calm." He said in a voice that wasn't calm whatsoever.

Murphy scoffed.

"Calm? You run through the woods like Bigfoot is chasing you and you want us to remain calm?"

No one argued with this.

"We're not alone here on the ground." Clarke began.

A blanket of fear rested upon all of us.

"What do you mean, not alone?" A girl by the name of Harper spoke up.

"I mean what I just said. We were attacked on our way to the mountain and whatever it was took Jasper with them." Clarke struggled to remain composed.

I felt my breath catch in my throat, and a strangled sob escaped my chapped lips.

Everyone was in an uproar now, screaming and wailing.

I sunk to my knees, holding the goggles to my chest.

Hot tears streamed down my face and I let out a strangled cry.

Why didn't I tell him?

I let my insecurities get in the way and I couldn't tell him that I loved him?

And now he was as good as dead.

My shoulders shook, and Monty knelt down next to me, tears trailing down his cheeks as well.

"We'll find him. I swear to you, we will find him, (Y/N)."

He sounded like he needed some reassurance himself.

Someone was wailing. The kind of cry that made you want to cover your ears and hide away forever.

It took a moment to come to the realization that I was the one making the sound.

The only sound now was my sobs and ragged breath. My fellow inmates backed away, allowing Bellamy a clear path to where Monty and I were situated.

I felt an unfamiliar touch on my shoulder.

It was Bellamy, and he looked at me with determination.

"We will find him. But right now we need to lay low." He spoke softly.

Anger welled inside me.

"If it were Octavia, you would have a search party out right now! What makes Jaspers life any less important?" I hissed, venom coating every word.

Bellamy held his tongue.

No one argued against me, but no one exactly agreed with me either.

"We leave at first light. Those who want to volunteer, come see me." He announced, walking away.

Monty and I held each other, sobs wracking our bodies.

I spent a good portion of the night bawling my eyes out.

I felt kind of bad. Monty held me, as calm as he could be in this situation, telling me stories and reciting my favorite poems.

When we all had settled down for the night, some of us asleep, I heard Murphy a few feet away from us talking in a hushed voice.

"Now we're all hungry because that one chick didn't bring any of the food in here. It's all outside probably being eaten by whatever the hell took Jasper."

If I had the energy, I would have ripped Murphy's throat out right then and there.

But my chest was tight from all of the crying, and dehydration was setting in.

"Come on, man. The girl just lost her boyfriend. We can go a night without dinner." One of Murphy's cronies stood up for me.

Boyfriend?

Did people really think we were a couple?

Maybe it falls on me and how I reacted.

I had been awake, counting my breaths.

How many did Jasper have left?

"You're in love with him." Monty spoke, disrupting the quiet.

"What?" I attempted to play it dumb.

He scoffed, sitting up.

"I see the way you look at him, (Y/N). It's like...all the stars in the galaxy can't even compare."

I bit my lip, unsure of what to say or do in this situation.

"I do love him, Monty. I really do."

A fresh set of tears welled up in my eyes and began to spill.

"And I never even got to tell him." I cried.

Monty shushed me, rubbing my back soothingly.

"We'll get him back. I know we will. But for right now, we can't dwell on the past. Try and get some sleep." He smiled down kindly at me.

I didn't sleep at all that night.

Go figure.

I pretended to, though. For Montys sake.

He must have been up for two hours before he finally succumbed to sleep himself.

Maybe it would have been best if I had slept that night.

There were no windows on the drop ship, so there was no way to tell when it was morning. So I listened carefully for the sounds of the crickets to subside and the chirps of the birds to arrive.

I jumped to my feet, accidentally stepping on Murphy's hand.

"Ow! What the hell?!" He shouted, still half asleep.

"It's daylight. We have to go find Jasper." I shook Monty awake, my eyes on a frantic search for a sleeping Bellamy.

I found him by the door, near Octavia.

"Bellamy-Bellamy wake up." I shoved him several times, and he awoke with a "Snork?"

"We have to go find Jasper. Get up." I bent over to re-lace my shoes, but was stopped in my tracks.

"(Y/N), (Y/N), slow down." He sprung up, and placed both of his hands on my shoulders.

I wondered if he had even slept at all. Deep purple bags hung low over his eyes.

"No, I'm not going to slow down. We have to go. Who are the volunteers?"

I pivoted around to Monty, but Bellamy twirled me to face him.

"(Y/N), you're not going. You have to stay here at camp." Bellamy spoke the words slowly.

I did a double take.

That had to be some sort of sick joke.

"Like hell I am. Jasper's my-."

"I know. I know. But you have to stay here. You did so good leading the camp yesterday. I need you to stay here."

Several emotions registered on my face at once.

Confusion, anger, betrayal...

"If it was Octavia out there and someone tried to stop you-."

"Stop bringing Octavia into this. Besides you're dead on your feet. If anything happened I doubt you would be able to escape in time." He interrupted once again.

His words weighed heavy.

He was right. I was exhausted. Staying up all night getting over the potential death of my long time crush/best friend tore me to pieces.

"Maybe Jasper is literally dead on his feet. What would be the irony of that?" Murphy's snide comment earned a few chuckles from those around him.

I shoved past Bellamy, and charged towards Murphy, who's smirk turned into shock.

"Do you think this is a fucking joke Murphy?!" I screamed as he avoided a harsh slap to the face.

"Woah, woah!" Bellamy held me back as I screamed obscenities at Murphy who backed away, sneering at me as if I were the insane one who was making disgusting jokes.

I struggled for a bit, and collapsed against Bellamy's chest, sobbing.

I was so angry.

Angry at myself for being so weak.

Angry at Murphy who couldn't be serious for five minutes.

Angry at Bellamy and Clarke and everyone else who didn't keep Jasper safe.

"I love him! I love him, Bellamy. Please, bring him back. Bring him back alive." I gasped, collapsing to the ground, Bellamy falling with me.

"We will. I will. I promise." Bellamy forced me look at him, and he turned to Clarke.

He told Clarke that she needed to stay here and start building a wall around the camp. I was clearly in no state to do much of anything.

That made me angry, too. If I had just gotten some shut eye last night I could have gone with the search party.

Monty was suddenly in front of me, his eyes blood shot, voice clear.

"(Y/N), listen to me. Are you listening to me?" He shook my shoulders harshly, and I nodded my head.

"No matter what happens, if we find Jasper or not, you need to stay strong. It's what he would want."

How could he say that?

IF we find Jasper?

We will find him!

Even if it meant I had to search the entire planet and beyond.

Clarke was suddenly down next to me, turning my head towards her, staring intently into my bloodshot eyes.

"She's definitely exhausted. Dehydrated, too. Monty, I think it's best if you stay here with her. I'll get her some water."

I could tell Monty was upset that he couldn't go either, but, we both needed each other right now.

He took a seat next to me, and draped an arm around my shoulder.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The remainder of the day was a blur.

I vaguely recall a cup of pine needle tea being pushed to my lips, and someone trying to persuade a few pine nuts in me.

I drank the tea, but was too nauseated to eat anything.

Clarke and the rest of those who stayed behind worked on a wall/fence. I caught glimpses of it outside the drop ship door. It consisted of scraps from the ship, and large planks of tree bark.

I dozed in and out occasionally, but awoke to the slightest of sounds.

Monty was always there to calm me down.

It must have been noon, when there was a series of shouts that awoke me from my twelfth nap of the day.

Clarke rushed in, shoving scraps aside and making room on a flat surface that served as a makeshift table.

I bolted upright, a nasty case of vertigo settling into my brain which was still fuzzy from lack of sleep.

My heart stopped.

Either they had found him, or there was a new causality.

Bellamy, Finn, and Wells were carrying a half conscious Jasper, whose face was green and beaded with sweat.

"Get him on the table!" Clarke demanded as she searched frantically for something.

He was shirtless, a large scab like wound smack dab in the middle of his chest, blood and pus oozing from it.

Monty gagged, and ran out of the ship.

I could hear him vomiting violently.

I didn't blame him.

Jaspers eyes shot open, and he let out a mangled groan, flailing his arms around.

"Keep him still!" Clarke's voice sounded far away.

I rushed to his aid, and took one of his hands which was dirty and covered in covered in grime.

"Jasper, Jasper can you hear me?" I squeezed his hand.

He groaned again in response, tears running into his ears.

I wiped them away.

"You're gonna be okay. You're safe now. You're back at the drop ship. Clarke is going to make you better." My words were thick and it was hard to talk.

Clarke shooed everyone else away, only a few acceptations allowed to stay.

"Finn, go get me a wet rag." Clarke's voice trembled.

That wasn't a good sign.

The doctor was supposed to be calm.

"Can you save him?" I asked, hardly wanting to know the answer.

She grew silent.

"I'll do my best." She spoke.

Jasper was still screaming, and he weakly squeezed my hand.

"Make it stop, please, make it stop." He begged through the wails of agony.

My heart broke.

What could I do?

I would take the pain in a second.

I would do anything.

"Jasper, just focus on my words, yeah?"

What was I supposed to even talk about?

The Ark? The ground?

Both subjects were painful.

He let out a cry as Clarke ever so gently prodded his collarbone with her fingers.

"What the hell?" She frowned, examining the gash more intently.

"What is it?" Bellamy took to her side, intrigued.

Clarke was quiet for a moment, her brows furrowed, confused.

"Whoever, or, whatever did this to him cauterized the wound. He would have bled out by now."

What?

That made zero sense.

Why would you kidnap someone, stab them, and then heal them?

Jasper cried again.

"Don't you have anything for the pain?" I practically begged, already knowing the answer.

"We would probably have something if we were at the mountain. But the only thing we have now is time."

Time?

How much time did he have left?

Jaspers hand went limp, and my blood went cold.

Clarke placed her hand on his forehead.

"He's burning up. I need wet cloth, and lots of it."

She turned to Bellamy, who left in a second.

"He's still breathing, but barely. It looks like an infection. I'm gonna have to reopen the wound, clean it, and recauterize it."

I felt acidic bile rise in my throat.

For Jaspers sake, I prayed he would stay unconscious.

I think Wells was telling me what happened, and how they found him, but it's like everything went static.

Bits and pieces of his sentences wormed their way into my shattered mind as I gripped the metal table and Jaspers hand.

Jasper screamed, his back arching, blood spewing all over his chest and my face.

"(Y/N), I need you to keep him still. I'm almost finished cleaning it. Someone get me a hot knife!"

Jaspers eyes found mine, his wild and frantic.

"(Y/N), please make it stop. It hurts so bad! Make it stop!" He sobbed.

Tears of my own fell onto his pale skin.

I struggled to find my voice.

"Jasper, I know it's hard, but you need to stay still so Clarke can help you, okay? You're almost done. The worst is over."

Was it?

He screamed again, squeezing my hand. Quick breaths escaped from his cracked and bleeding lips.

"I...I never thought I would see you again." He admitted, sighing as someone draped a dripping cloth across his forehead.

Neither did I.

"I knew they would find you." I lied.

He blinked in response.

"I'm gonna cauterize it now, okay? Jasper, this is gonna hurt."

Clarke pressed the blazing metal to the gash.

A burnt flesh smell filled the drop ship as Jasper screamed.

Clarke dropped the knife, breathing for the first time in minutes.

"Done, it's over. We just need to get his temperature down." She began to lay more wet cloth on various parts of his body.

Easier said than done.

For the next few hours, Jaspers temperature ranged from blistering hot to the touch, to cold with sweat.

Sweat poured from his entire body, leaving the table slick with moisture.

He was delirious, reaching his hand out for something, and calling for his mother.

Invisible shadows made him scream.

At last, he settled down, his hand still in mine.

"I'll take it from here, (Y/N). You deserve a break." Monty appeared by my side, extending a cup of water to me.

He was right. I needed to get away. I needed to find a desolate spot and just curl up in a ball, close my eyes, and deem this all as a crazy dream.

Smiling kindly, I gently let go of Jaspers hand.

But Jasper used whatever strength he had left in him to hold fast to me.

"(Y/N)...stay." He slurred.

I pushed back disheveled black bangs away from his sweaty forehead.

"I'm not going anywhere." I whispered.

A ghost of a smile danced on his lips.

"I...I love you." He murmured.

I blinked, unsure of what to say or how to react.

"I love you too, Jasper." I whispered, my voice hardly audible.

His lips curled up once more, and sleep overcame him.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Three weeks later, Clarke said Jasper was okay to go on short walks for brief periods of time, as long as he had someone with him.

More often than not, it was Monty or me.

The fence had been built, and several stations set up around camp.

Animal skinning, water purification, and food storage were the most busy.

I was praised for my wilderness expertise, and held classes for those who had absolutely no idea what they were doing.

At the end of a class where I was teaching how to tell healthy rabbits apart from rabbits who had rabbit fever, Jasper appeared by my side.

"Gosh! You scared me." I laughed.

He had lost a significant amount of weight, but his smile remained the same.

"You're not supposed to be out of bed without someone." I scolded him.

"I'm not alone. I'm with you. Take a walk with me?" He extended his arm, and we walked with ours interlinked.

It was a slow process, but I loved seeing the look on his face when a bird flew by or the wind rustled the leaves on a tree.

Pure joy.

I felt myself falling more in love with him each and every day.

I had erased the day he had been carried back after serving as a dartboard.

Wiped the words that were exchanged.

He didn't remember them, so why should I?

He probably didn't even mean them in the way I did.

Friends tell friends all the time that they love them.

It was like a twelve pound weight had been lifted off my chest, after telling Jasper how I felt.

It didn't matter if he remembered it or not. I said it, and it was done and over with. No need to bring up the nightmare he had gone through.

"I remember, you know." Jaspers feet slowed down even more, if that were possible.

I turned my head to face him, confused.

"Remember what?"

He grinned, a blush creeping its way to his cheeks.

We were stopped at the back of the drop ship, where the fewest people were, but with the most weapons.

He took a deep breath.

"The night I was found. I-."

"Jasper-."

"No, let me say it."

Great, now I was gonna get friend zoned in a place I couldn't even leave.

Not that it mattered much, anyway. Jasper was alive, and that's all that I cared about.

"I love you, (Y/N). I have for the longest time and...and I thought I was going to die. I had to say it. At least once. And I know you said it back but you were probably just saying it to be nice and I-."

I stood poised on my tiptoes, crushing his lips with mine.

He shut up, kissing me back.

I was careful of his chest. Careful to keep my distance from it.

But he pulled me close, his hands gentle on my waist, mine on his neck.

We pulled apart, breathless.

"I've been wanting to do that for the longest time." He smiled, tucking a strand of loose hair behind my ear.

I blushed, leaning in for another kiss.

"Finally!" I heard a familiar voice behind us.

Monty stood there, grinning with two thumbs up.

Jasper gave him a death glare that screamed get the hell out of here or so help me I will break both of your thumbs.

"Finally! Took you two long enough! I was worried I had to go to plan B and use the power of forged love letters," Monty crossed over, patting Jasper on the back, which earned a few winces.

"I guess all it took was a near death experience. Nothing too extreme."

We all laughed, well, Monty and I did. Jasper just kind of smiled and tried to refrain from laughing.

"I guess this means we're a couple?" Jasper looked at me hopefully.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I thought you would never ask."

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

♡Masterlist♡

Don't forget to like and comment!

[torikengel]

Thomas Hewitt x Reader (Part 10)

When you opened your eyes, the sun was already rising. You felt a pleasant warmth exuding from beside you. You rubbed your eyes to get a clear vision of what, or well who was in bed with you. You saw Thomas peacefully snoring by your side. Then the memories from the last night flooded your mind as you realized you were still both naked. Your first reaction was to panic, but then you noticed something you ignored before. Something on Thomas’s body. You had a clear view of his arm in daylight, and as you inspected his skin, you saw scars... not a few of them, but a whole bunch. These scars covered his whole arm, some were deep, and some looked quite new.

“Oh my god...” you gasped at your discovery. Your heart ached for Thomas. Right now, you had a strong urge to protect him, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. You were still a victim, but you felt less like one after every moment spent with Thomas. Maybe you felt a sense of responsibility? You believed that you could help Thomas and ease his pain... If you ran away, it would mean you betray him. You would be like all the others who stabbed him in the back. You tenderly ran your fingers through his hair.

“Tommy...” you whispered, clenching your teeth. You were split between your past and future... you missed your life, freedom, family, and friends. But then there was this man, this murderous cannibal who made your heart inexplicably flutter. You checked his arm one more time and gave him a soft kiss on the deepest scar.

“Maybe if we met sooner.” you pondered about his past. Right, if you two met under different circumstances. You placed your head back onto the pillow and turned to your side as you decided to sleep a bit more.

“Ahh...” you yelped as Thomas unexpectedly turned around to hug you from behind. But then you just smiled and closed your eyes, enjoying his presence.

*

When you woke up again, Thomas was gone, and so was every other evidence that would suggest he was ever next to you. Maybe it really didn’t happen, and it was just a dream? You stretched your arms and looked out of the window. The sun was already remarkably high up in the sky. You yearned for the freedom outside the walls of this house.

“You had a choice...” you sighed for yourself when you remembered how close you were to escape last night. But you didn’t turn the doorknob. You didn’t open the door. Were you really out of your mind? You didn’t understand yourself anymore. Everything you did was against natural human instincts. You stepped out of bed only to realize that your ankle is cuffed again.

“All right...” you teared up uncontrollably as you slipped down from the bed, landing on your knees. You saw your suitcase on the floor next to you, so you decided to rummage through your past.  After putting on a dress and underwear, you found a diary that captured your attention, so you opened it and read.

“This road trip sucks so far; I am fairly sure they invited me only for my money. Nobody really talks with me. I swear this is the last time I am going somewhere with Emma...” was the last written paragraph. You wrote it before you threw the diary into the suitcase as you were dizzy from writing in the van, but you were frustrated, so you had to. Now you didn’t have any of your good friends or family with you so that you couldn’t share your feelings with anyone... it wouldn’t hurt if you wrote something again, right? You needed to cleanse yourself somehow.

“I was kidnapped by a local sheriff in this weird town in Texas after we had an accident on the road. Even though I am quite sure it’s not a real sheriff. This family killed Emma and the others and ate them... There are four of them... and I...” you couldn’t bring yourself to write that you purposefully missed an opportunity to escape because you had feelings for the guy who kills and butchers humans. You scrapped the idea of writing any further and stabbed the page with your pen... and again and few more times until the rest of the diary was destroyed. You threw it away and climbed back to bed. You were hungry, and you really wanted to use the bathroom, but you didn’t dare to call someone as you didn’t want Hoyt to be the one to answer you. You thought about yesterday, when you felt like more than a victim, today the reality dawned on you and mentally destroyed you. You wished Thomas would be here. You wanted to tell him how you felt about your needs. Why wasn’t he there with you?

*

Thomas wasn’t pleased about the situation either. Hoyt was searching for him in the morning, and when he couldn’t find him in the basement, he went looking for him in your room. He found you both in the same bed, and you weren’t even cuffed. He gestured for Thomas to immediately come out and then scolded him to no end.

“What do ya think yer doin’ Thomas? Sleepin’ in the same bed as yer bitch? Didn’t ya learn anythin’?” Hoyt rumbled. He was furious. To him, you were an outsider, a piece of meat. If Thomas really wanted to fuck you, it was for the sake of satisfaction and not some lovemaking shit. You would become dinner eventually anyway. Then Hoyt sent Thomas to the basement and told him to stay there as he wasn’t in the mood for his face, which obviously hurt Thomas, but he complied. Hoyt decided to take away some comfort from you, so Thomas couldn’t see you or let you out of the room. Plus, you didn’t receive any food.

*

But Hoyt left on patrol, and someone in the house didn’t like the idea of you starving to death. You heard a light knock on the door.

“C-come in.” You stuttered nervously.

“Good mornin’ darlin’.” You saw Luda Mae standing in the door frame with a plate and cup in her hands.

“Charlie isn’t in a good mood today.” she sighed. “But I can’t let ya starve now, can I?” she smiled at you while coming closer. You were so relieved. It wasn’t Hoyt, and Luda brought food.

“Is Thomas okay?” you said as you took the meal from her.

“Oh, m’dear y/n.” she smiled when you mentioned her son.

“He’s in the basement. I think they argued with Charlie. He ordered him to stay out of his sight today,” she explained with a pained expression.

“Why doesn’t he come out when Hoyt’s gone?” you asked curiously. Luda sighed again. “Hoyt locked him in there and took the key. Ya know darlin’, Hoyt doesn’t take no disrespect and ma boy Tommy was acting up. As much as I disapprove of this, my hands are tied. Charlie has the last word in this family. I couldn’t stop what they did to Monty, either.” She complained.

“What happened to Monty?” you asked despite having an idea.

“He got shot by a biker, and Charlie forced Thomas to treat him...” she made it sound so innocent, even though Monty was missing both of his legs. She really didn’t want to portray her son as evil. And you didn’t think of him that way either. You nodded while you ate the bread she gave you to let her know that you were paying attention.

*

After you finished the breakfast, well brunch, Luda Mae returned to take the empty plate and cup.

“Darlin’, I can tell that my boy Thomas likes your company. I only want the best for Tommy. He gave me this.” she took a small key out of her pocket. It was key to your freedom.

“But ya know I am just a weak old woman now, and I know Charlie would be furious if you escaped.” she was very unsure of her actions. You didn’t understand a thing. Luda uncuffed you, so you could use the bathroom and take a shower. You didn’t want to cause her trouble. If Hoyt could do what he did to Monty, you didn’t even want to imagine what fate awaited Luda if you ran away because of her.

*

“I know it must be borin’ to stay in that room all day alone, darlin’.” Luda Mae said as she washed the dishes in the kitchen. You were standing next to her, leaning on the wall.

“Would you mind helpin’ me around the house today?” Luda Mae looked at you and raised her eyebrow.

“Of course, anything.” You replied and smiled at her. How could you say no to her? And so you spent the day cleaning the house with Luda. Honestly, it was for your own good as well, because from the first time you arrived you’ve thought that the house is really filthy. However, you understood that Luda was already an older woman, and the house was huge, so it must’ve been hard for her to be the only one taking care of the household.

*

You were proud of yourself when you finished. Even Monty seemed to approve of your hard work.

“Good work, m’dear!” Luda cheerfully announced when she looked around the now clean living room. The feelings creeping on you this morning were gone, and you felt more like an actual human being rather than a piece of meat again. You weren’t cuffed, and you basically spent some family time with Luda and Monty. Your moment of happiness was abruptly interrupted by the sound of an arriving car. It was Hoyt, and when you looked closely out of the window, it seemed that he wasn’t alone. There were two guys and a girl with him in the car. Luda quickly pushed you up the stairs to make sure Hoyt doesn’t see you. You rushed to your room and looked out of the window. Apparently, Hoyt locked them in the car because he came to the porch alone. Luda opened the door and let him in. He didn’t even realize how clean the house was. He just went straight to the basement door to summon Thomas.

“Come on, Tommy, move yer ass and help me out here!” he shouted and then walked back to the car. You were still looking out of the window but concentrated on the noises coming from downstairs as well. Hoyt opened the door for the girl sitting in a passenger seat and let the guys out of the car too. They seemed okay, and Hoyt was actually polite? You didn’t understand the scene unfolding before your eyes. And then he saw you. One of the boys looked up, and he saw you staring at them from the window. But before he could do anything, Hoyt grabbed the girl and pointed a gun to her head. Both guys were visibly shocked. They genuinely believed he was a sheriff helping them until this point. Then you heard loud footsteps, and Thomas stormed out of the house with a chainsaw in his hand. The guys tried to run away, but Hoyt shot one of them to his calf. The other turned around to help his friend, but only a bullet to his shoulder awaited him. Thomas grabbed one of the wounded guys and threw him on his shoulder, and then he disappeared into the house. You figured he took him to the basement. Hoyt took the redhaired girl into the house too, and the guy who has been shot to his leg was crawling in pain away from the house. He was desperately slow. You heard screams of the girl and Hoyt’s footsteps as he struggled to bring her up the stairs to his room. You quietly went to the door and peeked out as you opened them. Hoyt didn’t notice as he was too busy with the girl who was screaming and kicking everywhere around herself. But she saw you.

“Help me! Please, you, help me!” she stared at you with despair in her eyes as she tried to get out of Hoyt’s grip. Your eyes widened, and you instinctively closed the door. You covered your ears in a futile attempt to prevent the girl’s voice from reaching you. You knew well what awaited her with Hoyt. Meanwhile, Thomas got the other guy who tried crawling again. And that was it, you couldn’t see anything else, and you could only think about what was happening in the house. The girl’s screams didn’t fade at all, and the revving of the chainsaw was piercing your ears as well.  You wanted it to end finally, but then you heard a loud thump as the basement door burst open, and Luda’s voice echoed in the living room as she was screaming Thomas’s name.

“Tommy! Hoyt! Hoyt, come down!”

You opened the door again and stepped out of the room. The girl was still screaming, and Hoyt was nowhere to be seen. He probably didn’t hear Luda. You couldn’t hear Luda as well now. You braced yourself for the worst outcome as you ran down the stairs only to find Luda tied up to a chair with a rug in her mouth.

You gasped… what was happening? Then you saw him, the guy who has been shot in his shoulder standing in the kitchen with a bloodied knife, Thomas nowhere to be found.

a/n:  Now what, you and another victim together in a kitchen... I am sorry for the cliff hanger, but the chapter would be too long, but I am in the mood for writing, so will post the next chapter tomorrow.

[topazy]

The Fierce And Broken

1.06

Masterlist

You woke to the mumbling noise of others talking. With a groan you sat up, whining at the pain you felt in your stomach.

You recognized the voices as Clarke, Bellamy, Raven and Octavia. You couldn’t make everything they were saying out, but Octavia was angry. Slowly you spun your legs around so they were dangling off the edge of the table, crouching slightly so you could hear better. A couple of words stood out more than others ‘bomb’ ‘Lincoln’ ‘Anya’ Who were these people? You could hear Raven’s voice getting louder.

“I’m not having this conversation again. I did what I had to.”

The moment your feet touched the ground you instantly regretted trying to stand up. You stumbled forward with a loud thumb, alerting the others to your presence. The hitch to the room opened, and you saw a head of black hair moving quickly. It was Octavia. She wrapped her arms around and squeezed tightly. “Oh my god Alba, you gave me such a fright.”

You hugged her back. “O, I’m okay. I promise.”

She pulled back from the hug, and you could see the tears in her eyes. “I thought you were going to die...I really did.”

You opened your mouth to ask Octavia about the grounder that stabbed you, but quickly closed it when Clarke came up the ladder.

With a frown she helped you stand up. “Hey, I don’t want you bursting those stitches.”

“Nice to see you as well Clarke.”

Clarke’s frown softened, “how do you feel?”

You paused before answering her question, because you honestly had no idea what you felt. The memory of what happened to you was hazy. You remembered being stabbed, because you pushed Finn out of the way. Finn. “How’s Finn?”

Clarke glanced over at Octavia before answering. “He’s fine, now.”

“What do you mean now? Did he get stabbed as well?”

Octavia stood by you and squeezed your hand. “You are both okay now, that’s what matters. The blade was poisoned. It caused you and Finn to both have seizures.”

Clarke sighed, “Finn didn’t get stabbed, but he had a cut on his hand and somehow got the poison in it.”

This didn’t make any sense. If you and Finn were fine, why did they both look miserable? “How long have I been out for?”

“Long enough.” Clarke shook her head, “After I check your stitches, I’m sure Octavia will fill you in what’s been going on.”

______

Your eyes nearly popped out of your head with the information Octavia had told you. Finn and Lincoln had set up a peace meeting that resulted in a war starting. Bellamy and Clarke had found weapons. Raven had managed to communicate with the ark. Murphy was back. Octavia explained how the grounders used him as a weapon to spread a virus around the camp, and they had blown up the bridge to try and give them more time. Something else had gone, your friend was holding back.

“O, I need to ask you something. You might think I’m crazy, but I’m so sure of it.”

Octavia stared at you nervously, she nodded her head. “Yeah?”

You spoke quietly so nobody else could hear what you were about to say. “The grounder that stabbed me...I don’t think he wanted to hurt me.”

“He didn’t.” Octavia let out a deep sigh, “I need to tell you something, so please don’t hate me. I let the Lincoln...the grounder who stabbed you escape.”

You were confused. “Escape from where?”

“Here.” She said waving her arms around the room. It suddenly occurred to you that they wouldn’t have carried you to the top floor of the drop-ship straight away. “Bellamy and his gang of thugs brought him back here for information. When Lincoln didn’t talk they began torturing him. I was afraid they would kill him...so once I got what I needed I helped him go.”

Octavia pulled up her sleeve to reveal the cut on her arm, you leaned in closer to inspect it. “O, what did you do?”

“Lincoln wasn’t going to give us the antidote, but I trusted he wouldn’t let me die so I cut my arm with the same blade he stabbed you with.” She paused, “Lincoln saved my life before. He blew the fog horn that stopped the other grounders from killing you.” Of course, it was starting to make sense. “He never wanted to hurt you. He asks me all the time if you are awake, he wants to apologize.” You had no words. Nobody had ever done anything like that for you before. You pulled Octavia into a hug that surprised her. “I thought you would be mad at me.”

You shook your head. “I’m not mad Octavia, I’m really proud of you.” You pulled back from the hug to point at her arm. “You did that to save me and Finn. And I’m glad you helped him escape.”

Octavia smiled at you. “I was so scared you’d hate me Al, I dunno what I do if I’d lose you.”

You shook your head with a slight chuckle, “is there anything else I need to know?”

Octavia shrugged, “probably. But my mind has gone blank.”

You looked out the window into the camp below. Everything looked normal, as if nothing ever happened. “Fancy helping me get down them ladders? I know Clarke said I should stay up there until she gets back from hunting, but I’m so bored.”

“Pissing off the princess? Now that I can help you with.”

______

After a while Octavia went off to see Lincoln, and you promised to cover for her if anybody asked. You spoke to Monty and Jasper briefly, who filled you in on the whole camp getting high after eating some nuts.

“Y/N!”

You turned to see Raven stepping out of her tent. She had a wide smile on her face as she hugged you. “I’m so glad you are okay!”

“Thanks Raven.” You stepped back, “I told you I’d keep your boy safe.”

A look of sadness washed over Raven’s face, something was wrong. She must have sensed you were going to ask because she shook her head. “I’m fine honestly. I just can’t thank you enough, Finn probably would have died if it wasn’t for you.”

Raven blinked away the tears in her eyes, “I better get back to work.”

“Are you sure? Whatever is going on you can tell me.”

She nodded. “Thanks, I just-” you followed her gaze to Finn, who was standing laughing with Clarke. Oh. “I just need to get back to making more bullets.”

You felt guilty for not following her, but the best thing to do was let her have time to herself. It couldn’t have been easy watching the person you love loving someone else. The feeling of a pair of arms wrapping around you from behind took you off guard. All the hugging was starting to hurt.

You chuckled, “who’s squeezing me now?”

The person spun you around to face them. Murphy. Tears started to spill from the corners of your eyes. You never thought you’d see him again. In typical Murphy fashion, he pouted when he saw your tears. “Are you disappointed that I’m back? No need to cry-”

You cut him off by pressing your lips against his, it wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was soft and gentle. Pulling back from him you smiled, “I’m so glad you are alive Murphy, I heard about the grounders.”

He looked down at you, “yeah. I don’t know who hates me more, the people in the camp or outside it.”

You took his hand. “Come on, you can tell me about it while I check you over.”

______

“Ouch!”

“Don’t be a baby, give me your hand.”

You had been pouring leftover alcohol onto Murphy’s fingernails to make sure they weren’t going to get infected. Clarke obviously hadn’t given him the once over because he still had a couple of deep cuts that needed to be stitched up.

“Thanks,” you glanced up at Murphy. “I mean it Alba, nobody else even looks at me. They all think I’m a traitor.”

You frowned, “I’m glad you told them. If not they would have killed you.”

“Maybe I’d be better-”

“No!” You snapped, knowing where he was going with this. “Don’t say that! Don’t even think about it! I’d be lost without you Murphy, and you might not think it now but things will get better someday. For all of us.”

Murphy tilted his head to the side and brushed a stay tear that had fallen down your cheek. He had made some really bad judgment calls since landing on the ground, but you knew Murphy was a good guy. He just had a tough start in life.

“So, did you have a welcome party waiting for you to wake up?”

You appreciated Murphy changing the subject, a small smile pulled at the corner of your lips. “I...I fell off the bed,” you laughed. “I tried to stand up but it didn’t work. Octavia rushed up to see me, then Clarke came to check on my stitches...oh and I spoke to Raven.” Murphy pulled a face at your comment. “What?”

“I’m guessing your new BFF didn’t tell you how things went down with the grounder? I mean...I know I wasn’t here but I’ve heard things. And shit, she got dark.”

“Octavia already told me about Bellamy torturing Lincoln...I...wait, when you said ‘she’ do you mean Raven?” Murphy nodded. “Raven helped torture the grounder?”

“I heard she shocked him with wires.”

You were lost for words. You didn’t know Raven that well, but you assumed she wouldn’t have stooped to that level. Wait...Finn. She did it for somebody she loved. “No, O never mentioned it.”

Murphy suddenly stood up, “what was that?” You turned to look in his direction to the flaps of the tent, and shrugged. “I thought I saw somebody was standing there.”

“Probably just the wind.”

______

When night fell most of the delinquents gathered around the fire. A few couples strayed to have some privacy, while others stayed and got drunk. You twiddled with a piece of thread that was coming from your top. Trying to process so many things at once was hard, and it was starting to give you a headache.

Sighing, you said goodnight to Monty, Jasper and Octavia, and headed towards your tent. As you approached your tent you noticed movement inside it. Shit. Gulping down you reached for the gun tucked into the back of your trousers. Bellamy would no doubt freak if he saw you with it, but having it close made you feel safe. You slowly pushed open the flaps to the tent with one hand, while clicking the safety off with the other. The light was dim but you could make out the figure of someone sitting on your bed.

“Raven?” She jumped to her feet, and gave you an alarmed look when noticed the gun in your hand. “What are you doing in the dark? I could have shot you.”

“Sorry...I Just needed to talk to you, and I didn’t know where you were.”

You sighed, “it’s fine.” You tucked the gun underneath your bed and flung some dirty clothes on top of it. “What’s going on? Is something wrong?”

“I came by to see how you were feeling earlier when I heard you and Murphy talking. I-he told you what I did.”

You sat down on the bed, and kicked off your boots. “Raven, I don’t agree with it. But I’m also not judging.”

“You don’t think I’m a monster?” Raven’s voice broke as she spoke, it was the first time you had ever seen her so vulnerable. You shook your head. “How can you be so nice all the time? Isn’t it exhausting?”

You let out a snort of laughter at her comment. “I’m not, trust me. I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation.”

Raven joined you on the bed, “what do you mean?”

“I’m just trying to enjoy my freedom until the rest of the ark comes down. I imagine many of us won’t be pardoned of our crimes and will either get floated or locked up again.”

Even in the dark you could see the brunette’s eyebrows coming together in a frown. “Well the ark would just need to get through me first.”

“I’m sure Jaha will be shaking.” You chuckled, before noticing the look on Raven’s face. “Is there anything else going on?”

“From the moment I landed I knew something was different. Finn...he doesn’t look at me the way he used to, he looks at her like that instead.” her? It took you a few seconds to catch on to what she was talking about. “They had sex not long after they came down here.”

You knew Finn had feelings for Clarke, but never realised how far they had taken things.“I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

Raven began to sob. “I feel so stupid! I risked my life to come down here to be with Finn, and the whole time he was sleeping with somebody else. What makes it worse is he hid it from me.”

You admired Raven for being so strong, she was heartbroken but still used her amazing brain to help the rest of the camp out.

She turned to face you, “I’d hate to impose...but I really don’t want to see him right now.”

You smiled at her, “you can stay in here whenever you want.”

Raven thanked you before you both got comfortable in the bed. You spent the rest of the night talking before falling asleep.