#can happen without acting like both parties are exactly the same

[dnickels]

I don't think Gibson gets enough credit for how skillfully he extricated himself from the sodomy allegations. Long post to follow ->

The evangelical mindset is "we are constantly under siege from both invisible powers and our fellow man (and even one's own thoughts), every waking moment is nonstop spiritual battle" so Gibson framing himself as too weak to refuse advances (without spiritual backing, naturally) is a brilliant play for Irving's own anxieties while also putting him in the position to be the shepherd rescuing one of his flock. A direct appeal to the Victorian bourgeois savior narrative, expertly played. He's given Irving a script so familiar and one he's so eager to act out he doesn't for a second question its veracity.

And now we depart to the realm of pure speculation (oh boy my favorite) but I always wonder what exactly Gibson told him, and how much it actually corresponds to what we hear Irving scold Hickey for. I wonder if something got lost in translation (Irving heard what he wanted to hear which is not quite the same as what's actually being said). I think Gibson is perfectly capable of shopping Hickey to save his own skin no question, but that scenario doesn't quite jive with how surprised/concerned he is that Hickey and Irving apparently had a chat about the situation. Surely Gibson didn't think he could say "I was coerced" without some kind of follow-up? It could be a feint, he's just acting to try and keep Hickey from holding a grudge (I think Gibson knows with brutal clarity that you do not want to be on Hickey's shitlist) but his reaction reads to me like he's seeing his fib start to spiral out of control. Of course, one of the grand themes in Terror is people not being as smart as they think they are (or, more charitably, that even well-conceived plans often shipwreck on the shoals of human unpredictability) so it could just be an example of a reasonable plan blowing up on contact with an unreasonable person, as individuals are a universe unto themselves and truly unknowable to each other. Or maybe he really didn't think Irving would do anything, because he asked him to keep it quiet? Maybe that's how it usually goes, everyone agrees to keep it quiet-- sobering thought.

Still, it intrigues me to think about Irving as the wildcard in Gibson's plan, not Hickey-- bringing baggage to it that Gibson didn't include in his calculations. I wonder if Gibson heard the lecture, how many of his own words would he recognize? I can see the shape of a communications breakdown, where a tactful "the temptation was overwhelming, I couldn't resist him" becomes "he used overpowering force" or "I didn't come forward because I was afraid" becomes "he threatened me into silence". Not unreasonable assumptions for Irving to make, honestly, I just think its interesting to play with the idea that they are assumptions and not part of Gibson's ass-saving explanation. Just no accounting for what happens in the pressure-cooker of the evangelical brain!

Obviously the darker read here is that Irving can't understand a messy gay situationship despite spending years at sea is because he is homophobic (while desperately refusing/denying/fighting his own desires) or was himself party to coercion, either towards himself or someone else.

I just think its interesting to think of how it might have played out if Gibson and Hickey been surprised by say, Hodgson instead-- who might have given them a stern "I don't want to catch you two not at work again" but otherwise let the matter slide, or Little, who I can see loading them down with donkeywork but refraining from escalating because doing so means talking to Crozier and Oh God, Please No.

I keep coming back to the question of whether or not Gibson was ready/intending to burn Hickey as badly as his lie makes it seem. While I think he's perfectly capable of it, but it seems like such a risky move when his confession (owning what Irving has no real proof of, I'm more familiar with the early 19th century legal situation on land but the standard of proof for sodomy specifically was actually pretty high) could just as easily backfire on him rather than exonerating them both. We only have Gibson's word that he acted for their mutual benefit, and even if he's telling the truth it seems like stepping on a landmine: no one seems to think Hickey would hang on his accusation, so he's going to still be around after a potential flogging and presumably pissed off. Obviously its a bad situation all around but I am so curious about his own risk/reward accounting. For me, I really enjoy imaging him trying to play master manipulator to Jirv who is absolutley not a player and mostly lets Jesus call the shots. Very funny to me to be so ambitious and skillful and willing to play the Great Game but it all comes to nothing due to human folly. Thesis moment.

[alwayslostinfiction]

I've been thinking about what I like about maxton hall or rather Ruby's & James relationship so much. And I think I've kind of got it?

They communicate. They are willing to be proven wrong and change their minds.

Like, Ruby realises immediately when she's overstepped in the Oxford preparation class, after James storms out. She feels bad for it, she doesn't think he deserved it just because of her preconceived notions about him.

But especially: she apologizes. She actually thinks about it, asks her father for advice and apologizes.

She doesn't just act like "oh well, wasn't the best thing but whatever". She takes the time to see things from his pov (And at that point she technically still can't stand him).

And she's willing to change her mind about him. She isn't stuck for eternity in the "he's an idiot" mindset. When he shows her he has another side to him, she's open to it. Let's him change her mind.

Same goes for James.

When he doesn't defend her from his father in the gallery, he tries to make up for it, by printing the posters. By showing that he's not ashamed to be seen with her.

Obviously it didn't convey the message he thought it would, cause ruby wasn't exactly thrilled about it (which she actually communicated right away, even if maybe not in the best manner) but it was the best way he knew in his mind.

And he explained it to Ruby, the moment she came to him. He didn't just keep his head down & took her accusations. He explained himself.

For both his behaviour with his father & the posters. He acknowledged he should've acted differently, he explained why he acted that way, made sure ruby knew that it had nothing to do with her.

And pretty much in any situation, theres some type of resolve like this. They aren't stuck in their ways. They fuck up sure, but they are willing to own up to it and change.

Not perfectly obviously. But that makes sense, their still teenagers after all. Most adults don't even manage to do that right all the time, let alone the times ruby & james manage to do it in the show.

And they do things for eachother. Without being asked for it. They support each others dreams and goals. Actually, they just support each other period.

Ruby tries to get him back on the lacrosse team, when she realises how much it means to him and is willing to take the chance of her sounding stupid considering she was so against him in the beginning.

James is willing to help her out with anything she needs also at the risk of looking stupid.

Also: both of them except that they like the other as it's happening. They aren't trying to hide it. Neither from themselves, each other, nor from others.

Literally. From the very first moment on, through the whole show.

They like each other. And they are okay with that.

The moment ruby apologises they both feel the shift.

When James texts her afterwards about the dress photos, ruby doesn't get snarky, isn't mean to him just because he'd been petty before and didn't help them get the photos. She appreciates his efforts. She's kind, she's mocking him in a friendly (flirty) manner & he's giving it right back.

He doesn't mock her for being nice to him, for showing affection for him, doesn't try to use that against her (which happens far too often in enemy's to lovers type romances in my opinion), he shows the exact same affection back.

Honestly the whole car ride is a testament to that.

They talk. Are open to each other. Ruby doesn't feel ashamed or afraid when she catches herself rambling on about Oxford, she's clearly happy and at ease.

And that's partly because you can see in james face how happy it makes him to listen to her.

He likes hearing her talk about it and he has no intention of hiding it. Not from her, not from Percy.

Or when they get back & james tells ruby she isn't invisible anymore, not to him.

That's a declaration right there.

And he's doing it with all the confidence he has.

And he invites her to a party. A party with all his friends, where everybody can see them.

And ruby tells lin about it. And doesn't deny that she wants to go. She admits she wants to. And she does. She jumps over her own fear of being seen, throws herself right between all the people that would hate her most for being there with james.

At the party itself. They don't hide anything. They touch totally openly.

Or in school. They talk, flirt, touch. No sign of hiding any affection whatsoever.

Honestly I could write down almost every single moment from the first season, cause it's literally happening all the time.

Neither of them act like they can't stand the other while they clearly start to develop feelings.

They are open with their feelings. And I love that.

The main reason they break up/ have that big of a conflict in that regard at all, is because of james dad. Cause he threatens Ruby, which james can't let happen.

(And even then, james has a hard time selling the whole thing meant nothing to him and ruby isn't really buying it either. )

It never happens cause they're too stubborn or proud to admit they like eachother.

Cause they aren't. And I again, love that.

And the resolution at the end? They don't just get back together and that's it. Wooo, happy ending. Nope. They talk it out. Again. Lay it all out there. Make sure the other understands. Feels seen. Loved.

I just...

It just genuinely feels like a genuine relationship. Not just a stereotype. There are dimensions to it. Just like to the characters. And it's just so enjoyable to watch.

[queensunshinee]

Time Of Our Lives || Part 23

warnings: SMUT! 18+!, oral sex, handjob.

Part 23

"Have I already thanked you for agreeing to come with me?" Art asked after he entered the hotel where Liana was staying. His parents had also arrived. "You know I wouldn't miss you at the Olympics, right? And in London, no less!" She rolled her eyes because he hadn't stopped saying 'thank you' since the moment he bought the stupid ticket (which she wanted to pay for herself, but he didn't exactly ask her). "I love London. It's not a punishment or anything," she smiled genuinely.

Art smiled back, but he had known for some time that she loved him just as much as she loved London, and if he wanted to be arrogant, maybe even more than she loved London. And God knows how much he loves Liana. So why can't he talk to her about it? They talk about everything except that. They act like people who have been in a relationship for a decade. People whose dilemmas are about kids and home design. Why can't those be their real dilemmas? Has Art sentenced himself to a life beside Liana that will never be full and complete? Will he always have to settle for almost because he didn't insist on how ridiculous their agreement was?

"Can't wait to see all the places you love. All the buildings you told me about." His smirk widened into a real smile when he saw her face. Her eyes sparkled with excitement, and her cheeks reddened. She was truly the most beautiful person he knew. He can't believe he grew up beside her all his life and didn't realize how beautiful she was for half of it. "Maybe I shouldn't introduce you to Melissa, so you won't fall in love with her by mistake," she said in response, and he raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yes. I'm definitely capable of falling in love with your best friend," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes as she swallowed. They both realized how loaded his statement was only after he said it. After all, Liana had been in love with his best friend. She was capable of that. It's not the same thing. He knows it's not the same thing. And yet. It's not far-fetched in their reality.

"Are you excited?" she abruptly changed the subject. "What's the worst that can happen? I'll lose in the first rounds with you and my parents in the audience, all of America watching me, and I'll become a meme. Just another Sunday," he lay down on the bed beside her, burying his head in her chest, letting her fingers run through his curls. "Or you'll win, and then win again and again," she said in response, and he chuckled. "What are the chances of that happening, Lia?" he sighed, afraid of disappointing so many people. "High. But in any case, you know I don't care, right?" she asked, moving his head a bit, making him look at her with wide eyes, absorbing every word she had to say. "I don't care as long as I know you're enjoying yourself and doing what you love to do. That's like the only reason I'm willing to watch you play tennis. Because I know you love it and it excites you. In any other scenario, fuck tennis," she shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing and moved again, allowing him to rest his head back on her soft chest. He could fall asleep like this. He had fallen asleep like this before.

"So if I quit tomorrow, you wouldn't care?" he asked without looking at her. Because he didn't plan to quit. He was far from it. He loved playing tennis. He loved seeing Liana in the audience. He loved winning. "I'd throw you a party," she replied, making both of them chuckle.

"I brought you something," she murmured, gently moving him again so she could get up. "It's not too much, so don't get too excited," she added as she rummaged through her suitcase and pulled out a box wrapped with a ribbon. "Lia, you shouldn't have." His hand found its way to his neck for a moment, unable to think clearly. His heart was beating irrationally. The fact that she thought of him enough to give him something for the tournament, even though she was already flying with him, gave him chills. "Don't be stupid, open it," she smiled. And for once, Art listened to what she told him to do instead of giving her instructions. "What is all this?" he muttered, not knowing what to focus on.

"Okay, the headphones are supposed to be really good. They're for listening to your meditations if you're with someone in the room, or the songs you like to listen to before games. The book is just because I know you might get bored in the Olympic Village between games or training or whatever, so you have something to pass the time. And there's this really silly picture my mom gave me two months ago. Art, have you seen it?" She talked so fast, and Art felt he could cry. "It's from that time you got a skateboard for your birthday," he stated, examining the framed picture. Liana and he were seven. He was holding his first racket in one hand and hugging Liana with the other. His cheeks were red, and his eyes were swollen. Liana, on her part, had her arms crossed, standing next to a small skateboard. She looked displeased.

"Yeah, and you cried and acted like a little bitch even though you got a racket for your birthday," she laughed heartily, and Art couldn't take his eyes off the picture in front of him. "I wanted to have what you had," he said honestly, remembering that feeling exactly. As a child, he couldn't let go of her at every shared moment. He followed her like he was her tail. Probably even then, he would have wagged if she asked him to. She never asked. "It's for you to put in your room because two and a half weeks is a long time, so you feel a bit at home. After that, I might want it back. It's too cute," Liana continued, partially ignoring what he said.

"Is that mine?" he suddenly asked, pulling out a simple white cap from the box. "Yes. Okay, it's weird, I know. But you had that period where you wore a backwards cap and really looked like a smug, annoying dickhead—" "Oh yes, I remember. You didn't stop telling me how much you hated all my caps," he rolled his eyes.

"Well...I lied," she said without blinking, and he looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "You looked really good with those silly caps. It was awful," she rolled her eyes. "And then there was one time I was at your house one summer, and you were in the pool, so I just took that cap. I thought maybe it would make you stop wearing them, but you just wore another one the next day. An insufferable person," she spoke quickly, as if the speed would make what she said less significant.

"When was that?" For every word she said quickly, he spoke his slowly, swimming in this moment. "The summer of age 16, like 10 years ago, I think?" she tried to remember. "Lia, did you have a crush on me when you were 16?" The familiar smirk spread across his face. "Oh, fuck off," she rolled her eyes, and he put the box on the bed beside him, stood up, and approached her. Wrapping her in a hug with his big hands.

"Thank you," he said quietly, feeling himself melt into her. "You know I've got your back, right? With or without tennis. You and I will be okay," she said, looking at him again. Art kissed her in response, unable to find any words other than 'I love you' (which he wasn’t allowed to say) to sum up the discussion.

After three weeks at the London Olympics, Art Donaldson won a silver medal in the doubles tournament and a gold medal in the singles, all while wearing a backwards white cap in every match. The kiss he gave Liana after his victory was captured everywhere. It was called 'iconic.' Nobody knew who Liana was, but she was the first person to receive his attention, and his parents or Tashi, who were sitting there, weren't surprised at all.

They said goodbye to his parents and decided to stay another week in London. This way, Art could meet some of Liana's friends and see places she loved. Besides, he could use a vacation. Tashi tried to resist, unsuccessfully. It was also Liana's birthday, and Art wanted to take her to a nice restaurant.

They sat next to each other at a bar in London, with some of Liana's school friends sitting across from them. Art connected with them instantly. In a flash. Overall, seeing Liana so immersed in her element, so social, was like exploring her anew. Discovering the person she had been all these years without him.

"Does anyone want something to drink?" he asked, and after everyone told him what they wanted and someone else went with him, Liana stayed with Melissa, who looked at her as if she had fallen from the moon. "You're so in love with him it's embarrassing. I don't know what this act is for," Melissa said the second everyone walked away. "There's no act, we're fine. He's my best friend," Liana shrugged and finished her drink. "Girl, I'm your best friend. The blond guy who looks at you like you hung the moon and sleeps with you most nights of the week, he's your boyfriend." Melissa almost laughed at the absurdity. There wasn't a single person around the table who even asked who Art was to Liana. It was obvious to everyone that he was her boyfriend. His hand was on her in a half-hug, so nonchalant, as if he was born in that exact position. As if he belonged right beside her.

"He doesn't look at me like-" Liana rolled her eyes. "What are you afraid of?" Melissa interrupted, not letting her continue deceiving herself. There isn't a person in the world (literally the whole world since their kissing photos were published) who thinks Liana is just Art's best friend. "I guess, I don't want to get hurt again," Liana murmured, looking at Melissa with a pitiable expression. "Oh, babes, sweetie, everyone gets hurt all the time. Who the fuck has the energy to be afraid of that?" She hugged her, a crushing hug. "I need to visit you more. You're losing it over there in America," she concluded as everyone returned to the table.

Art's hand returned to the same spot, only this time Liana's head rested on his shoulder, as if she was born right there as well.

Two days later, Art insisted they go to the restaurant he had reserved. "Art, we're going to celebrate at your parents' house in two weeks anyway. You're really overdoing it," she said when he just told her about his plans. "Hey, we never celebrate your birthday on the actual date. It feels unfair. Just let me spoil you for a bit," he looked at her with a gaze she found hard to refuse.

So, Liana found herself sitting next to him at a Michelin-starred restaurant, telling him occasionally that he was crazy for the amount of money he spent on this meal. Reminding him that there was no real reason for this extravagance. But every time Liana took a bite or sipped the wine, he saw her face change, her eyes sparkling with curiosity. He knew it wasn't a waste. He knew he had made the right decision, and he knew that tonight might take a turn very soon, so he decided to savor the good, certain moments as much as possible.

After they finished eating, Liana took him on a tourist bus tour, which made them both roll their eyes and laugh, feeling like kids again. They weren't bothered by the people asking to take pictures with Art. What did bother them was the rain that started to pour in August, causing them to catch a taxi to the hotel, drenched. "That was a really extreme ending to this evening," Liana said as they both laughed. "Thank you, Art, this was really over the top," she said, looking at him with a gaze that quickly changed from amused to grateful.

"You don't have to thank me for anything, Liana. Like, ever." He said, his gaze was piercing. Demanding. "Haven't you figured that out yet?" he mumbled and sighed. "Okay. No more thank yous. Do you want to shower with me?" she smiled, and his look filled with mischief as he moved towards her and unzipped her dress. They were under the warm water quickly, with Art gently moving her hair away from her face, and she closed her eyes. His hands were so rough from tennis, but his touch was soft.

"You're so beautiful, Lia. It's unbelievable that you're mine," he murmured, and she opened her eyes. He looked at her, too, and knew he had crossed some kind of line. Because they didn't say it out loud. They didn't say what everyone understood. They just acted like it, and Art was about to ruin it. Or change it. Or improve it. He was about to break it. "You're beautiful yourself," she replied, standing on her tiptoes and kissing him. He deepened the kiss immediately. And it wasn't hurried or sloppy; it was serious and mature and deep. They took their time, refusing to break apart until they ran out of air to share.

Art didn't know how he found himself on all fours before her again, but he loved looking up at her sometimes. When she looked back at him, and they both knew she had the power to destroy him, but she would never use it. And Art was beginning to believe he also had the power to destroy Liana, but he would never dream of using it. His mouth was on her pussy, and even as he explored her from within, he took his time, just as he had with her mouth earlier. And the sounds she made, which he was already used to but would never tire of, made him feel like he could come without her touching him at all. "Fuck, Artie, I'm close," and he loved when she called him that because it only happened when she was needy and coming and desperate and his, and he knew she was in that stupid state because of him, and she also knew he was the one making her feel so good, in such euphoria. And with that thought in his mind, he felt her come, half leaning on the wall and half on his shoulder as he held her shaking legs. "It's okay, baby, I've got you. Come for me. I'm here," he talked her through it, making her orgasm even more intense.

And after she recovered and managed to give him a handjob while they both giggled at her inability to function, they managed to shower and get dressed. "I have a present for you," he said suddenly, with his hand on his neck, knowing this was going to be a pivotal moment but staying calm. "Art, you're overdoing it. The meal was enou-" "Please, Liana, just let me give it to you," he interrupted her because he knew the arguments would come later anyway; right now, he needed her less combat ready.

"Okay," she mumbled, and he went to his suitcase, pulling out a small jewelry box. "Art, what is this?" Liana looked at it as if it were a contagious disease wrapped in a bow. "Relax, it's not a ring. But it might make you angry, and I want you not to be mad at me. Can you do that? Not be mad before you let me talk?" he said, playing with his fingers to steady himself as he spoke. "What's going on, Art?" her voice became more serious. Every note of amusement left it as he handed her the box and sat cross-legged on the bed in front of her.

She looked at the key inside and then at him with a raised eyebrow, feeling her heart pounding faster. "The house is ready," he said, not taking his eyes off her. "Actually, it's been ready for a few weeks. The designer finished completely." He continued, seeing that Liana didn't move for a second. Not even blink. "I'm moving there, and I want you to move in with me." His look was almost desperate. He was so afraid of her reaction, as if he knew she was about to shatter him. "Art, that's not what we agreed..." she said quietly, afraid to move. "Fuck it, Liana. We haven't been in what we agreed to for a long time. We haven't been friends with benefits from the minute we agreed on it. You know that." He closed his eyes and took a long breath. "You built that house. The interior design consists of your ideas too. You love that house, and Liana, I'm pretty sure you love me too, and if you don't say otherwise, then I just want you to agree to live with me. That will be the new agreement," he was desperate. His voice shook, and he didn't speak logically, but he tried to convey a point.

"That will be the new agreement?" she asked, biting her lip, and he could see she was giving in. "Yes. The new agreement will be that we're in love and live together in the house we built for ourselves." He moved closer to her, his voice steadier as he kissed her neck and heard her sigh. "I can't pay for that house, Art. It cost you an insane amount of money," she mumbled. "Liana, the money doesn't matter to me. I have more money. Just what I earned from the Olympics covers that house. I'm not broke in any way." He tried to dramatize that this was the last thing that mattered to him.

"Okay," she said after a few seconds of silence, surprising him. Making him move back a bit and look at her. "Okay?" he asked, confused. He honestly thought it would take him more time. That he would have to twist and convince her.

"Yes, I think we can be in love and live together in a beautiful house. It's something we can handle," she shrugged and started to smile. "So I can say I love you without fearing you'll run away from me?" he continued, not believing he didn't have to struggle. "You already stated that I love you, so I think it would be fair if you also say you love-" He didn't let her finish the sentence before he kissed her. "Happy birthday, Liana Levy. I love you," he smiled into her mouth.

'Happy birthday Amanda, I miss you' will probably be the first message Liana sees when she opens her phone in the morning, but that's a worry for another day. Today, she's celebrating the best birthday she's ever had, probably because she's finally celebrating it on the actual date.

Hey guyssss, how are we doing? Let me know what you think as always, it literally makes my day. Also, send me more requests for blurbs. I love them and I will do at least another one between this and the next chapter. Patrick will come back to us. I just needed Art and Liana to be more stable at this point. Hope you're still enjoying it <3 

taglist (if anyone wants to join, just ask): @suzysface tqd4455 @soberbabes @nina357 @lamoursansfin @marley1773 @ruyaas-world @apolloscastellan @primlovesdilfs @fangirl-kimora @serenadingtigers @imbabycowboy @do-it-for-kicks @izzywags478 @4deline08 @igotmajordaddyissues @jackierose902109 @ganana @yoitsme-04 @swetearss

[noraigo]

some days ago, i started watching we are the series, since a friend of mine tried to convince me for a long time to tune in. we are isn’t exactly the type of series i would watch. not disregarding its charm, i must admit it’s even endearing, i’m just more keen on the angsty, adult queer love. however, there’s a certain couple that’s been running nonstop in my mind ever since i started the series and, of course, it’s no other than tan and fang.

tan is certainly unique as a whole, because if anything — i think it’s the first time i see such a loud but not annoying character, and that’s hard to portray. his excitement seems genuine all the time and i feel his happiness is shared through the screen. that doesn’t brush off his emotional intelligence and i think people underestimate this trait of his: just because he seems silly and party-loving doesn’t mean that he is insensible. he can be serious if it’s needed and he cares for the people around him. it’s safe to say that cheerful characters are often overlooked because of it and, as viewers, we shouldn’t take it for granted.

fang, on the other side, is the total opposite of him, yet it doesn’t make him less interesting. his background is implied to be unstable, which made both phum and fang be more closed off emotionally speaking. even so, fang is trying his best to be on the same page as tan, though tan adores him when he’s serene and quiet. most of the time, characters like fang are misunderstood and it’s a little saddening. he is kind and tough, but it’s not hard to love him. something tan understood from the very beginning.

their dynamics keep me pushing watching the series. now that fang has been softening more and more, their scenes became even lovelier to watch, if that was ever possible; their kisses, clear eyes of infatuation, playful banters and words of love show it. i’m not a fan of sex scenes, they underwhelm me a little (might be the acespec in me), but tanfang’s was just perfect. not too much, not too little. just enough to show that these two desire each other. possibly, it could be not their first time as a couple, which is refreshing and new in thai queer shows as far as i've seen. (aouboom definitely enjoyed kissing and touching each other a little too much but, didn't the same happen with hidden agenda? just saying.)

people like them could be too much for others, but for each other, they are an absolute match. fang knows tan loves him unconditionally and so does tan. tan tries to push him for the better without overstepping his boundaries whilst fang apologizes if his behavior might be irrational when he’s angry and accidentally lashes out on tan. that’s actual respect and patience in a relationship. none of them are trying to change the other to fit their own personality, they have already changed once they realized they were into each other back then when they were problematic teens. ain’t that sweet?

just look at these sweet two blorbos, just in their own world, happy and in love.

on another note, though, i’ve gotten to know aouboom since viceversa era and i could already smell the cute chemistry between both, yet it’s very sad to know they suffer from secondary couple syndrome. how many series have they starred in as a second or even third couple? very unfair, gmmtv, you better give them a nice series, regardless of its length. as long as they don’t keep acting in college settings, i would give my entire scholarship for a coffee shop or any other ordinary plot. they are just THAT good and i will never get tired of their chemistry. they have a kind of spark i see very rarely and if gmm doesn’t give them a shot, they’re losing a potential gem.

please, give us more tanfang content and especially, an aouboom series. thank you very much.

[3minsover]

AUgust Day 30:

steve tries to employ his ‘act like you don’t care’ method when he realizes he has a crush on eddie.

it’s about a month or so after vecna, and the party are more inseparable than they’ve ever been, older teens included, and eddie’s settled in like he’s been one of the gang since day one.

the moment steve realizes that old familiar fluttering in his stomach, the telltale thrum of blood rushing to his cheeks as eddie plucks out nameless tunes on his acoustic or asks steve if he wants to come over to get high or watch a movie, steve knows exactly what’s happening. it doesn’t scare him as much as he thought it would, falling for one of his best friends, especially not one who’s a guy. he doesn’t really know the protocol for a situation such as this, but some habits die hard, and something in steve’s brain is still hardwired to receive that hit of endorphins and return to the routines of old.

thing is, steve’s never put on this show when there’s another guy involved. with girls, he can be cool and suave and just the right side of dismissive until he has them begging to be even offered a palm to eat out of.

but eddie’s different. both in that he’s a guy, and steve’s pretty sure this same move isn’t going to work on him, but also, eddie’s different. eddie’s something special. something that feels like the first splash of rainfall after a drought. eddie has him yearning in a way he’d never thought himself even capable. and as fiercely as he longs to just grab eddie by the face and kiss the mischievous grin from his lips in the hopes it makes his insides smile too, steve brushes eddie off just as much. he waves quick, flippant ‘hey’s (but he longs to furl eddie up in a hug, bury his face in the collar of his leather jacket), he blinks away eddie’s jokes with just the practiced hint of a smirk (though he wishes he’d just let himself laugh), he offers backhanded compliments (when he’s desperate to tell eddie he has the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen, and that he wants them to be the first thing he sees in the morning until the day he dies).

eddie shrugs it all off for a couple weeks with only a twitching narrow of his eyes, a deliberate, searching stare.

steve thinks maybe, just maybe, this has worked.

until eddie confronts him about it.

“hey, did i do something?”

“what?”

“did i- you’ve been- you got a problem with me?”

“why would you- what? no!” steve tries to protest, but eddie barrels on, sounds just so demoralised it’s hard to listen to.

“look, if you don’t like me being around or whatever, just say it, man. i can’t take all this cold shoulder shit anymore.”

steve blinks hard, dumbfounded, with the sinking realization that his trademark move hadn’t worked - if anything, it’d done the exact opposite of what he hoped. steve had felt that electricity with every glance at eddie, but he now fears he’s crossed some wires somewhere, and it was the spark of faulty cables, rather than the fizz of something mutual. and if steve’s plan has backfired, the only thing left for him to do is come clean.

“i don’t have a problem with you. i mean, i guess i kinda do have a problem with you, but- but!” steve preempts eddie’s inevitable crestfallen sigh with the raise of his pointer fingers, both staying and apologetic all at once. “but it’s not a problem you caused. it kinda is but it’s also not. shit i used to be so good at this. i have a problem with you because i don’t know what to do with you. i don’t know how to be around you without- without- you’re always so- so alive and fun and sweet and just looking at you makes me want to scream into my pillow, but in like, a good way? and my heart gets all- and your eyes are just- so. i guess i got a problem with you, because i… want you to be my problem. i want you- uh. yeah.”

eddie is silent for a long moment, and steve can almost see each of his words slotting into place behind eddie’s eyes. “steve. i… i’m not gonna do us both the disservice of pretending i understood all of what you just said, but i think i got the highlights?”

steve rakes a minutely trembling hand through his hair, finding anything to break up the sudden stillness.

“you did? cause even i feel like I’ve talked myself round in circles here.”

“i think so. let me get this straight. you… think i’m fun?”

“yup.”

“looking at me makes you want to-”

“scream into my pillow, yeah.”

“oh- oh okay. noted. and um, you,” eddie starts slowly, seems to be feeding the words out carefully like it’ll spook steve to hear them from another mouth but his own. “you want me to be your problem.” steve swallows, inhales deep, and nods.

“yeah. cause, i guess to me it wouldn’t really be a problem. it would- that would be something i wanted. you’re- something i wanted- want. god, this is harder than i thought.” steve chuckles nervously and eddie just stares, mouth hanging just a little open.

“but you…” eddie starts, brows knitting in confusion, “you don’t like me. you barely talk to me even though i wanna talk to you whenever you’re around, even when i’m trying to make you laugh you hardly even smile, and i try to make you laugh like, all the time- oh.” something flashes in eddie’s eyes as he stops himself dead in the middle of his sentence. “oh my god. you- you were- shit, dustin talked my ear off about this; act like, uh, like you don’t care, huh?”

steve’s already burning cheeks threaten to start giving off smoke, and he’s about ready to hotfoot it out the door and disappear forever, but then eddie smiles, and it’s one of those devilish, smirky, sparkling smiles that steve loves.

“you got me, harrington,” eddie admits on an exhale. “you got me good with that. got me hooked.”

steve winces a little, tries to smile back.

“i did?”

“shit, yeah. you’re better than i thought.” eddie chuckles giddily; it makes steve smile for real.

“so, i can admit that i actually do like you now? that i’ve been crushing on you for like, months?”

taking a step closer and placing his palms flat against steve’s chest, eddie drops his voice low, “yeah, yeah you can. because then i can say i like you back.”

turns out steve’s plan had worked, just not in the way he expected. but nothing with eddie ends up how steve expected, and that’s just one addition to the list of things he loves about him. that list will grow longer as the years pass, a never-ending record of things to love.

steve’ll apologize for the whole mind game thing later, but for now, he simply rests his hands over eddie’s, and tips his head forward until their foreheads touch. he whispers, “hey, eddie. i really like you. let me take you on a date sometime?”

and eddie whispers back, “hey, stevie. i like you a hell of a lot too. and yeah, obviously - thanks for finally asking.”

[goths4gambit]

Hi! Could you possibly write a Bg3 fanfic where Tav comes out as a trans male to the rest of the party? (Astarion, Gale, Halsin, ect.) Preferably he was already fully transitioned and tells them about his past. Maybe someone in town calls Tav by his deadname and the party is confused so Tav explains and it’s slightly angsty at first but ends super fluffy?

Sorry if that’s too much to work with, lol

Hello! I'm so sorry this is so late. :( I have been insanely busy, plus some not-so-awesome stuff happened! But I can get to my requests now! I hope this is what you were hoping for!

(Im also trans, so kinda writing this from a POV of how I feel after this happens.) 

(The main scenario in this will be the same, but the character's reactions will be different)

(Also very sorry if this wasn’t exactly what was wanted:’])

Triggers: Transphobia (But comfort and fluff at the end!!)

Pairings: BG3 Male Companions x reader 

It was supposed to be a normal day in Baldur's Gate, a typical, simple day in Baldur's Gate to restock supplies, so why did it have to turn out like this? Hearing his dead name yelled at him in the middle of the day while they were walking around, how did they even recognize him like this? The walls felt like they were closing in, but he had to just play it off. he felt the curious glances from his companions, but they didn’t outright say anything at that moment until they got to camp…

ASTARION:

“Well... I'd say that was an eventful outing, hm?” he spoke, setting down a few of the things they had bought beside his bedroll. He was trying to keep a light mood in the air; however, when his eyes landed on your quiet and tense form, his smile fell, “Do you… Want to get something off your chest?” 

Silence was what his words were met with until he snapped you out of it again with a concerned look and genuine care in his eyes, “Darling, if you’re worried we’ll judge you, you don’t need to worry about that, look at the group of weirdos we all are.” He spoke softly without his normal teasing tone.

“I don’t know” he replied to Astarion in such a quiet voice, “I feel like I need to explain but I don’t know where to start either” He looked down at his feet quietly, Astarion sat quietly beside him with a soft sigh, “Listen, I can’t begin to act like I understand what you’re going through darling but you must realize im here for you, and as much as I don’t wish to admit it,” he paused for a moment, “I love you.”, he glanced at astarion quietly and just silently leaned into him. That night, they both just enjoyed a moment together of silence and comfort, even if he didn’t fully explain what Astarion understood.

GALE: 

When they got back to camp, Gale was talking about some books he found in town that day, he knew something was off with reader even before they got back, however distraction he thought was the best solution until he suddenly saw the silent tears falling down his face, he immediately went quiet and walked over. 

“My love?” he spoke, his voice filled with concern, and he gently sat beside him in the tent, when no response came from his lips, Gale gently cupped his hands around the other man’s face. 

“My love, please speak to me.” A choked sob escaped his lips at Gale’s words, but he finally managed to stumble out the words, “Im sorry..- I just- I didn’t want that to come out like that, and now im just I-” He paused when another sob escaped his lips.

Gale quietly listened to the anxiety-ridden words falling from his mouth, but then he silently hugged him. “My love, I don’t care..I don’t care who you used to be, I care about you now.”

WYLL: 

I couldn’t do it anymore, I stumbled back to camp, everything felt too overwhelming, it was all too much, why did that have to happen? I managed to keep it so secret, I managed to not let anyone know, and now- 

“I know that look, lover, nobody in this camp views you any differently.” he gently took his hand into his own and spun him gently,

He subconsciously leaned into Wyll, just needing the support after what happened in town. 

“Wyll- thank you,” he spoke softly, and Wyll flashed him a gentle smile,

“No need to thank me, I want you to know im here no matter what, no matter who you are.” 

The rest of the night was spent with kind words, and gentle touches of comfort.

HALSIN:

Disappearing into the woods right after getting back into camp was not supposed to be the plan, however after everything that happened it was all too overwhelming and too much for him, so he disappeared not knowing a certain druid followed him, the walk through the forest to the stream was relaxing enough but all he could think about was the stares from his companions he knew they weren’t negative stares, but they still didn’t feel good. He sat silently beside the stream's edge on a rock until he heard a branch snap behind him. He jolted to look behind him, but was greeted by the sight of a bear. Not thinking much, he just sighed and looked back down at the stream until he heard the familiar voice,

“My heart, is everything alright..? Shadowheart told me you ran off in this direction.”

Not looking up, he just curled closer into himself, “No..im fine- I don’t know why she is so concerned..” he whispered. he felt Halsin sit down and gently grab his hand. He looked at their hands intertwined, and something in that moment just broke; he couldn’t stop the tears that fell down his face silently. 

“I-I don’t know anymore, I wish that didn’t happen- and I just-” He stopped talking to try and catch his breath, but it was all so overwhelming, Halsin didn’t need any more words and just silently took him into his arms.

[hairscare]

If this is too personal honestly delete this ask id hate to make anyone uncomfortable💔

I was just wondering how you go about acquiring a qpp😭? Did you ask your friend to be best friends one day orrr did it jus happen and only later u decided to label it? Again was just curious abt aroace dynamics but no worries if this is too private love ur stuff ❤️

no worries im always happy to talk about my aroace experiences :) my honest advice is not to look for one. i know that sounds crazy but bear with me. if you approach every friendship with the lens of "can i make this into a commitment" youre only going to put weird pressures on yourself that will limit your capacity in the friendship. in my experience its something that has to happen on its own. not every close friendship has the potential to be one! i think people tend to be very eager to turn any relationship they find meaningful into something more than friendship so that they can justify its importance- escaping that mindset is very important!

now in my experience, we had already been "special friends" as we call it for two years before we decided to a qpr. basically we were best friends who felt a special connection to one another but we werent in a relationship. this is another important thing to emphasize: youre not in a qpr without all parties explicitly agreeing to it. a close platonic connection does not immediately equate a qpr. our relationship has been exactly the same for 2+ years, but it was only when we both agreed to be in a qpr that we actually were in one. i dont value our time pre-qpr any less than i do our current relationship as its the same connection its just that now theres more commitment involved

neither of us actually wanted to be in a qpr beforehand. id had a very bad experience with relationships beforehand, and i really never saw myself entering one after that. id even been in an 11 hour "qpr" that i broke off because i found it to be way to much unnecessary pressure with someone that i just wanted to be my friend. the qpr feeling absolutely wasnt there. aspen on the other hand didnt understand how qprs worked and so didnt want one. wed had an ex friend of ours (who was allo might i add) desperately try to push us into a qpr together but we both pushed back at the idea. you cant force it, and you DEFINITELY cant force it to happen out of the allonormative expectation that everyone needs a relationship to be fulfilled.

when we did finally change our minds, it was on our terms. aspen figured out what a qpr is and realized that he did want a committed friend, and i realized that i wanted to spend my life with him, so when he told me about his sudden change in perspective i immediately said id like to be that person for him. really the only thing that has changed since then is our future plans, we still act exactly the same with each other. of course if youve been here long enough you know that we do sometimes have a bit of difficulty trying to label each other when talking to others. sometimes i call him my roommate even though were on opposite sides of the country right now, sometimes i call him my boyfriend at the risk of someone misunderstanding it as an allo situation, sometimes hes my best friend (feels a bit watered down but whatever), sometimes i call him my boygirl (this one works well since its kind of unclear what it means), and of course my special friend is the most accurate but it doesnt make much sense to people who dont know us. sometimes he calls me his ghoulfriend and i really like that one

the best analogy i can really give for how a qpr feels is like bonded animals you see on petfinder that have to be adopted together. you cant force animals to be bonded, it just happens. its like that. hope this helps!

[srovtl]

(Tea Etiquette Lecture) Figaro SR Card Story Translation

The answer is two-sided? - Episode 1

Figaro: Hey, Bradley. Do you want more tea? I'll pour you some.

Bradley: What? I want nothing from you.

Figaro: Don't worry, I didn't put anything weird in it. Here you go.

Bradley: Ah, hey… aaand, he poured without listening.

Figaro: Okay. Now that we've set the stage for a chat… Bradley.

Figaro: The game we all just played earlier. "Tell each other what we like about each other" game. Why don't we do it with just the two of us this time?

Bradley: Can't.

Figaro: Why not?

Bradley: Because there's not even a single thing I like about you. I can list tons of stuff I hate about you though.

Figaro: Then let's go with that. "Tell each other what we don't like about each other" game.

Bradley: Why, exactly...

Bradley: Anyway, there's no way you, with your high pride, could handle this game.

Figaro: Don't worry, I'm the kind doctor from the south. And this game does have its merits.

Figaro: A lot has happened between you and me... but as long as we are both sage's wizards, we need to get somewhat along or else Master Sage will be in trouble, right?

Figaro: So if I ask you what you hate and fix it if necessary, maybe we can build a more friendly relationship.

Bradley: Hah, you're still as articulate as ever. Bet it's just a way to kill time anyway.

Bradley: ...You were the one who brought it up, you better not snap at me no matter what I say.

Figaro: Of course. Well then, let's get started. You go first.

The answer is two-sided? - Episode 2

Bradley: …….

Bradley: I hate the way you pretend to be a good guy. Your nature is arrogant and cold-hearted, but you act all silly and call yourself the doctor from the south.

Bradley: It's the same now. It's creepy that you'd go out of your way to pour me tea.

Figaro: Creepy? How mean.

Figaro: The current me is the kind Doctor Figaro. I can't just leave someone be alone at a party.

Bradley: Hah, I say this, you say that. You should fix that cunning part of you too.

Bradley: Learn from the simplicity of the people in the north and Oz.

Figaro: ...Haha, I see.

Figaro: Now I understand how you see me. Thanks for letting me know.

Figaro: Well, I think I'll go back to the others.

Bradley: Hey, what about your turn? Since when are you the type to just accept getting told off.

Figaro: I'm fine. Even if I told you, you wouldn't change anything...

Figaro: And now I know what you like about me.

Bradley: Ha?

Figaro: You know, they say that hate is the opposite of love. In other words, you like me when I act like a northerner, don't you?

Figaro: Plus, you think of me as special among the wizards you know because I am the only one who can match you in conversation skills. 

Bradley: You...

Bradley: Gotta fix that part more than anything. 

Figaro: Hmm, I don't think that's possible.

Figaro: When I see this face on you, I don't want to fix it anymore.

Tell me what you like about me - Card Episode

Figaro: Master sage, the game we played at the tea party the other day was fun, wasn't it?

Figaro: You know, the one where we tell each other what we like about each other.

Akira: You mean the one Arthur suggested! I got embarrassed a little, but it was fun.

Figaro: I wish I could have asked you what you like about me, Master sage.

Akira: Huh, what I like about Figaro?

Akira: Hmm...

Figaro: Oh, you have to squeeze one out?

Akira: Ah, sorry! No, not at all.

Akira: Actually, there's a lot I like about you, so I'm not sure where to start...

Figaro: I see. I want to hear everything then. I'll wait as long as you want, so just tell me about it all.

Akira: Very well. Umm... I like how you're always calm and dependable...

Akira: Also, when I'm feeling anxious, you notice right away and gently listen to me.

Akira: Also, you always keep a close attention to your surroundings, and give me advice on things I haven't noticed, and also...

Figaro: ……

Akira: Hm, is something wrong?

Figaro: Sorry, it's nothing. I just never thought you'd praise me this much.

Figaro: Thank you. For me, I like how you can praise others so honestly, Master Sage.

Homescreen voiceline

I was wondering if there was ever a person who can bring this group of a little too colorful personalities together…. Master Sage, seriously who are you? Haha, just kidding. Thanks as always.

[ateez-himari]

[Archive] 'Tunnel' by Mingi - The Story

...

"It was tough for me to see a single letter so I sent it all away, I guess I can't get used to being left alone..."

It had been weeks since every single one of their interactions was inevitably cut short by the man's cold responses, the widening void in their friendship slowly tearing at the young woman's already fragile heart. To the audience it was undoubtedly a result of dating rumors circulating through social platforms yet she knew better than to fall under this belief, than to dumb down her friend's suddenly dismissive behavior to not wishing to be mistaken for her romantic interest.

'Mingi can I come in...' She asked sheepishly, a trembling hand giving her bandmate's door a light knock. 'We need to t-'

Without giving the anxiety riddled maknae a chance to explain the reason behind such a sudden intrusion the door swung open to reveal the man's annoyed expression, silently motioning for her to come in with a singular nod of his head. They had spent around two years building a close connection to one another yet now she stood awkwardly in front of his bed where he took a seat, fidgeting with the edges of a sweater he had let her borrow and was now long forgotten.

'So what do you want ?' He asked plainly, looking off to the side of the room. 'Can you make this quick...I was planning on going out soon.'

'Why have you been acting like a complete asshole lately ?' She blurted out, the honesty behind her question taking both parties aback. 'I mean...all of a sudden you just start ignoring me, not even talking to me unless you really have to...did I do something ?'

From sunrise to sunset, this moment... Why is my heart so void ?

With a clench of his jaw the man ran a ringed hand across his pursed lips, a heavy silence settling across the room whilst he looked for a way to phrase his answer though still not making an effort to meet her saddened eyes. The young woman however did not seem to have the same control over the emotions screaming inside her mind, all competing for dominance over one another, as she kept blinking to keep warm tears at bay.

'You're just too clingy.' Mingi finally spoke up. 'This is exactly why people start dating rumors...because you can't seem to stay away from me for a single second. I mean come on there's seven other members, can't you go bother one of them ?'

Everything I said was a lie... Everything right at this moment.

Deep down he wished to take the group's youngest into his arms, beg for her forgiveness regarding all the times he had made that beautiful smile falter, yet pushing her away seemed to be the only way to protect them both. Despite acting like he held not a singular regard towards how she felt, he could tell that the influx of negativity was slowly wearing her down and he could not let rumors about their alleged relationship contribute to this weight - no matter how much he wished for them to be true.

I gotta get outta fucking love...

'I just...' Too choked up to form more than a few words, Himari simply lowered her head. 'I'm sorry, this is my fault.'

The man's resolve was rapidly growing thin, the more rational parts of his conscience pleading for him to just explain everything, fully aware that she would understand, yet his tongue seemed to find harsher words by the moment. It had been months now since the realization that it was no longer simply friendship but love that he felt for the vocalist dawned on him, months since he had promised himself to do whatever was necessary to never let his heart feel this way.

'I knew adding a girl to this group was a mistake.' He spat out, a lump forming in his throat. 'If you got nothing else to say then get out, my hiatus is soon and I have to pack.'

I let you go like nothing happened... But then at the end of it all a piece of you still lingers.

Not willing to let tears fall in front of him no matter how deeply every single one of his coldly spoken statements cut, the young woman hurried out of the room and into the one she shared with the two oldest members. Within a moment of shutting the door her body slid down against the wooden surface, knees curling up to her chest as poorly silenced sobs echoed through the empty dorm.

Now left completely alone with the guilt of what he had just done, the rapper angrily hurled a nearby book at the wall as tears of his own stained the hand he had brought over his face. Everything aspect of his head was in complete disarray and nothing made sense anymore, not the reason behind his rash decisions, not the harshness of his words, not even his feelings towards someone he had sworn to their manager would never be anything more than a bandmate.

It will be empty, hopefully Then it will be filled again, even if it hurts. I'll eventually have to face reality I'm sure that it was just a dream deep inside my heart.

Himari would never find out that most of his hiatus was filled with days drowned in alcohol to forget everything that had taken place between them, to forget how much he wished to kiss her delicate lips and apologize a hundred times over.

Mingi would never be told the amount of days during which she had been woken up by anxiety induced nightmares believing that his mental struggles were her own fault, nor would anyone dare to mention the psychological diagnosis sitting on her desk where 'major depressive episode' was permanently engraved in ink.

At first the rapper's phone would light up with messages from the maknae every few days about the smallest things, though the fear of saying something stupidly hurtful stopped him from ever replying. In the midst of the hiatus' timeline however her name no longer appeared at the top of his screen in the morning and neither were aware of how often the other's finger hovered over their contact.

A/N: Please note that this in no way depicts the real reasons behind Mingi's hiatus (or his personality) nor is it the song's true meaning! It is simply a work of fiction and should be read as such. Thank you! ♡

[agentrouka-blog]

Dany fan here: I think other Dany fans think Jonsas are over the top with Dany hate because of pol!Jon. I follow many Jonsas because I’m perfectly fine with Jonsa. It’s not for me but I see the vision. That said I’m a bit of an unusual Dany fan in the sense that I’m a big fan of the Meereenese Knot essays and think the interpretation of Dany presented there is pretty spot on. I personally think Dany has a good heart but that circumstance and experience and terrible coping mechanisms have led her to act in villainous ways and whether or not a character is a villain is determined by their actions regardless of whatever goodness is in their heart. But anyway I do not like the pol!Jon theory. I think it’s out of character for Jon and needlessly cruel to Dany. I think it’s possible that he ultimately kills her and that could be fine and I don’t reject that theory, but I think the idea of Jon deceiving and sexually abusing Dany and then killing her for the sake of Sansa is what Dany fans think of when they think of over the top hate because they assume every Jonsa shipper also believes in pol!Jon.

I do understand why people thought Jon was deceiving Dany in the show though because their relationship was just so poorly executed and Kit and Emilia had no chemistry on screen. Imagine fucking up your show’s romance so badly that people think the script confirming that the love was mutual must have been tampered with.

Hi there!

(I think Dany is a compelling tragic villain, and it's lovely seeing someone loving her for it!)

I do think that pol!Jon (under duress, esentially) is a not unreasonable theory that grew out of the way the show presented their relationship. If there was sexual abuse I think it's fair to say it was in the hands of the more powerful party, though.

That said, I don't see it happening that way in the books at all and I think all characters will be better off for it. I agree it wouldn't feel right.

Certainly not in a punitive "you thought he would love you but he really loves Sansa, now die!!!" way. That cheapens jonsa as much as it cheapens the complexity of the conflict between Dany and Jon.

It's just a deeply uninteresting way to explore their existing conflict or their respective strengths. Not to be a hater but it's not exactly riveting literature watching Dany be manipulated by Daario and it's unlikely to be more so in a repeat performance with Jon who isn't even her type. Same as watching Jon go through a repeat of the abusive Ygritte plotline would be less than compelling.

We'll have instances of romantic manipulation. Littlefinger is practically begging Sansa to use his own obsession against him, and Arya gives us a preview when she lures Raff to his death wearing "Mercy's" face. That's been set up since the first book, and it works as a satisfying response to the way everyone has been telling Sansa how weak and simple she is. It's very personal, very steeped in their respective histories, very poetic.

But for Jon and Dany I think we can expect something more universal and even-handed than that. They are both at varying points manipulative and earnest, highly clever or unexpectly outmaneuvered. And neither will be in this conflict all alone and without advice. Not to mention, we have both of their POVs and watching one just miss all the clues of the other manipulating them would be flat. This only ever works with one POV withheld. The show tried that with Jon Snow live on the screen, to disastrous results. No way is that GRRM's plan.

I'd rather watch two clever adversaries play a big game of chess. And given GRRM's love for that game, I am certain it's also what he would prefer to write.

[ya-killin-me-smalls]

tumblr ate this ask when I saved it as a draft but I screenshat it so we're good. anyway

spicy 2BHankmos headcanons under the cut

- it goes unspoken that anytime all three of them are on base at the same time, they spend the night together

- Doc almost always takes the lead, in part because he gets flustered way too easily otherwise, and in part because he likes watching his partners get each other off

- between Hank and Deimos it's always a battle of wills via heated makeout, a battle that Deimos usually loses but it's not uncommon for Hank's impatience to get the best of him

- Deimos gets passed back and forth like a blunt at a party, Hank determined to make him cum as hard and as fast as possible, and Doc content to edge him for an entire hour at times before turning him back over to Hank. poor guy can't catch a break

- as rough as he is, Hank is actually very affectionate during the act. he likes to hold his partners as close as possible, nuzzle his face into them, gentle lovebites

- Deimos has the praise kink of the century and Doc exclusively cashes in on this when Hank already has him mid-orgasm. is it mean? maybe. unfair? for sure. worth it every time? absolutely

- when Hank does end up on the bottom he tries his damnedest to keep quiet and not make it too much fun, but Doc knows all his tells and Deimos has an ever-growing score to settle, so his resolve only really lasts so long

- Doc tends to be a little more hands off, enjoying the show far too much sometimes. he's a kinky fucker though and knife play happens to be a favorite. it's rare but there's nothing he likes more than having Hank and Deimos bound and on their knees, letting him trace every scar, every ridge of muscle, every soft area with a blade, only ever breaking the skin when someone squirms too much. it leaves Deimos a sweaty, shaky mess and Hank more often than not doesn't need any other stimulation to cum, the knife enough to bring him over the edge

- there has been exactly one time where Deimos begged, and pleaded, and bargained, and made the most extravagant promises in order for Doc to bottom. exactly once. he ended up taking both of them at the same time, an absolute mess between them, louder than Deimos ever was. Deimos tapped out first surprisingly but still put his mouth to work, determined to get everything out of Doc that they could. if one of them brings it up Doc will insist it never happened, no clue what they're talking about, going as far as checking Hank for head trauma just to prove a point after he mentioned it near other SQ members

- of course, they aren't always together all at once

- Hank and Deimos, adrenaline junkies at their cores, spend more time doing it in places they absolutely shouldn't than the actual bedroom. missions, stakeouts, and anywhere on base that's secluded enough to get away with it. it's fast, hard, and always ends with either Hank's hand over Deimos's mouth to keep him quiet or an arm around his neck in a chokehold, whatever is easier in the moment

- when it's just Doc and Deimos, the praise kink comes out in full swing and Doc would swear Deimos is insubordinate the other 98% of the time just so he can all the more be told how good he is. and he is, willing to let Doc do anything he pleases as long as he gets what he wants. Doc made him cum seven times in a night once, and even though his legs were jello and he couldn't walk properly the next day, every gentle kiss and "good boy" whispered in his ear that night just made him want more

- Hank and Doc tend to take things slower with each other, enjoy each moment for what it is. this is in part because Hank is usually on recovery, grievous injury seemingly the only thing that can bring them together for any substantial amount of time. as soon as he's able to walk without ripping any stitches though he pulls Doc away from whatever silly computer thing he's doing and kisses every inch of his body

- Deimos has debated nipple piercings on and off. Hank is 100% on board but Doc likes to remind him that those can and will snag and can definitely be ripped out if he isn't careful. and he isn't. someday

- Hank has bit both of his partners hard enough to leave a scar. he hasn't said it out loud but it's his own little way of marking them as his

- there is not a surface in Doc's office that hasn't been defiled by one of them

[rpgchoices]

Dark Urge fixed some of the problems I had with act 3

This post has SPOILERS. BIG SPOILERS for both Baldur's Gate 3 and Dark Urge. If you check my tag dark urge I previously wrote an act 1 + act 2 summary of what to expect from it, without any spoilers. Without spoilers, very briefly: expect to have a past you cannot control (of course), your character will say some messed up stuff, you can give in the urges or resist but there are at least two scenes you have no control over, you do get loot for giving in the urges, the story has more mystery and lore, act 3 is the culmination of Dark Urge story too and you can have a happy ending.

Now with SPOILERS

I will go over the acts and write down what extra content happens when you compare Dark Urge to Tav, with BIG SPOILERS. If you want to see why I think Dark Urge is so much better for the story, skip everything and go directly to act 3. A general big change is that as Dark Urge you automatically get the "Baldurian" dialogue because you are from Baldur's Gate.

Act 1: In act 1 there is little Dark Urge content but an introduction. I kind of wish the game had just gone with DU (Dark Urge) instead of Tav directly, to hide the secret better, but I also like Tav a lot and I don't always want to play as an ex-murderer. Still, if you roleplay well the idea is that DU has these violent urges and think they are caused by the tadpole. So you will have to ask your companions about it, and the suspicion remains for half of act 1, at least until you give in the first obligatory urge. The narration oftens tells you that DU wants blood and carnage, wants to feel life slipping away and, well, wants to murder, and you can give in these urges (ex. attack people, bite someone's toe off, kill Gale?? or at least cut his hands) or avoid these urges. Everything else is exactly the same, a part from the fact that DU has a REASON for being on the Nautilus. While Tav is just one of the random people the Nautilus has taken, DU is the one who was put there on purpose.

There are two big events in act 1 and some smaller ones. You can kill a squirrel, but it did not trigger for me, so I don't think it is an obligatory event, but you will kill a bard. Alfira will come to your camp after you sleep a n amount of nights, and she will want to join your party. This happens even if you had not met Alfira in the game. During the night DU will brutally kill her and at this point you can hide the body, or confess your crimes, up to you how open with them. I always chose the option to confess. If you confess immediately you will have a group chat with your party and you can defend yourself (ex. I don't know how it happened but I must have been the one who killed her), or you can wash the blood and then volunteer the information the next morning when the body is found. There is actually a metagaming way to save Alfira… when you get the night scene, reload to the save before, go to Alfira, use the incapacitate instead of the killing option (in actions) and knock her out. Because she is knocked out, the next night a new bard NPC will come to your camp and will be murdered, but not Alfira.

After the murder you will meet the butler. It is immediately clear this is a magical being, and he knows you. He knows DU likes to kill, and he is surprised if DU refuses to give in the urges or even feels guilty for what he had done. You will also get an amazing cloak that turns a character invisible after a kill (it is great for Astarion's sneak attacks).

For the rest of act 1 there is little more content. You can talk minimally with your party about what happened or your urges, but that is it.

ACT 2: In the underdark and during the mountain pass there is no real content, but stuff starts happening at Moonrise Tower. You will meet characters who suddenly knows who you are. They are pretty cryptic about it, but they talk to you as if you were one of them who suddenly disappeared. It really feels like coming, well, almost home. Ketheric remembers you, even the jailer remembers you. There is also a cat in Moonrise Tower who is scared of you and if you talk with them DU WILL kill the cat, so be mindful to avoid talking with cats in the Tower. The skeleton dog from Ketheric room? He also remembers you and your smell.

When you put your hand in the cracks of the wall and hear the brain you will also get new and different dialogue.

After you meet Isobel, you will see your butler again and he tells you that to have a real gif this time you will have to kill Isobel. The quest will be there but you do not need to complete it. If you do not complete it, the butler will come back at night after the Moonrise Tower fight. This is where he asks you to kill your lover (in my case it was Astarion). He tries to convince you and if you say no, this is also where you find out that you cannot really control the urge - you will have to pass a wisdom check to take enough control to wake up your lover and tell them what is happening. At this point, they will tie you up because you are not in control anymore. You can pass 3 wisdom checks to try and thank them, or you can give in the urge but it does not look like there is any difference here but dialogue. The next morning you will have an extra talk with your lover and the party as well.

At this point it looks like the butler abandoned you because you failed your Dark Urge quest.

Another small thing, while under Moonrise Tower you can explore a bit and you will find one of the pod that smells like your blood and other small traces and hints to the fact that someone wanted to get rid of you and that is why you ended up on the nautilus.

Act 3: Act 3 is where most of the stuff gets resolved and things really come together. Orin targets you because you are family, you are her brother. She hates you because you were the Bhaal chosen one. My favourite part is that this really explains why the Chosen three's plan is failing. You were supposed to be Bhaal's chosen, not Orin. Multiple characters (Gortash and Sarevok) comments on how you were such a better Chosen because Orin is fickle, that is why she turns against Gortash. Gortash and Orin against each other always confused me during my Tav game, mainly because it felt so unexplained - like, they were so close to their goal, why is everything crumbling? Because she was never supposed to assume that role. She grew jealous of DU, chosen of Bhaal, and got rid of him by inserting the tadpole in his brain and discarding him.

When you talk with Gortash you also gets even more insight. It is clear that Gortash likes you, that is why is asking for an alliance. Not to a random adventurer called Tav, but to his old ally and friend. You and Gortash basically devised the whole plan, YOU took the crown, you were a fundamental part of it. And suddenly you stopping it (or taking control of the brain) for me had so much more meaning. While playing Tav I always wondered why is Tav even in charge, but when I played DU it really seemed like this was THEIR mess to fix. The confrontation at the temple of Bhaal is the end of the DU storyline which also wraps up why Withers was even with you.

You confront Orin and after you kill her you will meet your father Bhaal, who will ask you to become his chosen again. You can agree, and then at the end you will be able to claim the brain in Bhaal's name. But if you refuse, and give in the guilt for having murdered so many people (before your amnesia), Bhaal will take back his blood and leave you dead on the ground. At this point Withers will come in (and we know Withers is Jergal, the god of death before the Three) and will revive you. You will be born anew, your past is lost because the urge in you had been taken away but the memories with it. You can ask him about those memories too and he says that he can show you the names of your victims if you so desire. You are also a blank slate, a new person born from what you have learnt in your journey instead of your past. So yeah, you can have a good hopeful ending.

More importantly, this fell so well in the themes of BG3 especially the ones of being born again, changing and gods fighting for their chosen. Like Selune and Shar were fighting for Shadowheart, your character was also in the middle of a play of gods. Given Withers was with you since the start, it really feels like he was aiding you not at random, but because you were an escaped chosen one who could be stolen from Bhaal. And being born again and getting rid of your master/tormentor/powerful god/dictator fits so well. ALL your origin companions are in a certain measure subjected to absence of freedom or imbalance of power.

(Also before the Bhaal mission, but after the lover's personal quest you will have the option to break up with them and worry about the danger of killing them, which gives you an extra cute scene).

After the Bhaal mission there is no more content for DU and everything else seemed the same!

[argonautsoul]

The need for “positive thinking” is itself a negative thought.

The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.

“Creating your reality is about so much more than ‘positive thinking’. So much of what we chose is based on habits, behaviors, beliefs that you are unconscious of. This is why a lot of people use “law of attraction” and end up feeling worse.”

Maryam Hasnaa

Both “happiness” (an emotional state, or “affect” in psychology) and “positive outlook” (an attitude or mindset) have to be cultivated and nurtured over time. They can’t be learned or acquired in a hurry.

And even if it is possible to “flood” yourself with these it may be covering up some underlying issue for now. A temporary fix at best.

Our negative emotions are the result of our biases and prejudices (fears).

And the more you intend to control the more you build resistance which then creates a vicious circle you trap yourself in. 

Negative doesn’t means something that is “against”. Negative means “the lack of” or “less”. Negative energy is really just less positive energy, and this is why the electricity is able to flow… because what is exceeding will naturally move to where is less… the plus and minus ions are not exactly different. 

Negativity is there for a reason. It is to move the world, to balance it.

Something bad happens to you? Perhaps you can use it to strengthen yourself, to improve yourself.

Meaning often stems from difficult things, which leave many negative feelings in their wake.

The truth is negative emotions are unavoidable, there is no perfect state that lasts forever, there is no nirvana, once you realize that a huge weight lifts off your shoulders because you realize there is no great party that you're missing out on, we're all in the same boat and from that comes empathy.

Empathy means we can feel others' pain, and are willing to help them feel better.

The more we aware of our flaws, vices and misdeeds, the more our empathy for others grows. When we are in love, our partner’s problems become our very own. That is empathy. You will do anything to help anyone that you love.

Many of us lack empathy, some will only do nice things for you if it makes them feel good about themselves. (Never because they love or care for you — without empathy relationships are usually transactional and very hurtful, — however, it is still a win for you, bc you come to know that you’ll never want to be a part of anything like this ever again).

Empathy is indistinguishable from acting.

One who has empathy acts the part. Inside them there is purity, a honest and sincere heart.

Love is as love does.

[Autistic people have empathy, too. They feel bad when someone is hurt. Even if they don't show it a normative way.]

This is the light: bringing joy into the lives of others.

You can bring positivity into the lives of others.

And creating a positive impact on the world.

You create a ripple effect of positivity and kindness that changes the world.

It is when we serve others that we really find ourselves because we have tapped into our truth of our core being of intelligence and love (frequencies of creation).

Look for, focus on goodness, and demonstrate goodness, including paying attention to your words and thoughts, intentions, and reactions.

The point is doing something good for someone else, sincerely.

Serving others is a great way to create more peace, joy and harmony for yourself and others.

I slept, and dreamt that life was joy.

I awoke, and saw that life was service.

I acted, and behold, service was joy.

— Rabindranath Tagore

LoA will attract more of the same (GOOD & GOODness) to your experiences/life. In a while, depending on your allowance; you won't have as many “Negative”...

We can indeed do something with pure intentions and still en-“joy” the result it may bring. Speaking from experience, I love seeing the joy in others when I make them happy, and it also makes me feel good and I enjoy that.

[darryscrow]

You're aware of what finning is right? Idk if it's actually called finning but I find it makes much more sense to call it that, basically, Mer!AU, where Darry, an orca mer, is getting or has gotten finned? You can add the gang finding him either without his fins, laying in the sand, or arriving in time to help him not lose his fins.

I've just had this bouncing around for a while and need someone who can actually write as opposed to my gibberish.

Sodapop merman art for this as well 💋!!

WC: 1,970 words

Darry still wasn't back.

Ponyboy kept pestering Sodapop, asking where he was; which showed that he was obviously concerned for his older brother. He'd act all tuff in front of Darry though, pretend as if he doesn't care.

Soda didn't get that about his brothers, they always seemed to hide how they felt about each other which is quite odd, at least for him. Soda never hid how he’s feeling with them, even when he thought of doing so.

Pony was at the point of hysterics at this point, "Wha' if- wha' if it's like mother and father?" His voice was quiet, hushed, like he didn't want the fish around them to hear.

Darry? Killed by hunters? No. No way.

Sodapop couldn't help but scoff, Darry was smart, he was strong, and he knew the spots where the humans would fish.

Pony glared at his brother, his irises quickly sharpening to mere slits, "What so funny?" His body tensed up, his eyebrows knitting together in frustration, wondering if Soda thought of him as a joke.

Despite his tough exterior, and trying to seem dangerous, all Soda could really see was his little baby brother scowling at him as if he stole his brother’s fish, alongside those grayish green eyes that seemed to always be reflecting light coming from the surface. 

With a wave of his hand, Soda explained. "Sorry, sorry. I jus' reckon we would know if somethin' would happen t' 'im though." He hopped up from the rock he was resting on, he just couldn't be sitting still anymore. Pony, knowing this, swam up with his brother and they started going up towards the shore, around where Darry was meant to be.

"Sketchy, that's what this is. Why must he go to this.. place anyways?" Soda realised Pony must've been referencing the Tavern up a bit beyond the shore. It was extremely loud and bright there at night, which would scare fish away, especially when humans came down to the shore as well. Darry prohibited them from ever going near the shore, saying he'd personally make sure they'd never be able to swim again.

Sodapop shrugged his shoulders with a shake of his head, “I’d tell ya if I knew.” They were basically at the end of the water of where they could still swim comfortably. Soda knew Pony never went as far as here, but he's gone to some “bonfire parties” himself at the shore, which is exactly why he has a hidden stash of clothes on the surface. As Soda wondered if he should tell his brother, he could start smelling copper..he could smell blood.

Pony must’ve as well, because he met his older brothers’ eyes. Both of them reflected the same fear, the fear of Darry being gone.

A quick visual search in the water proved useless as the blood trailed out of the water. Soda tried to make Pony stay in the water, not wanting his first out on the surface experience to be possibly as horrible as this, but there was no stopping him when it came to their brother, whether it was about his safety or raging against him.

They quickly went across the shallow water, knowing it was dangerous to be caught during these early morning hours. 

That’s when the hunters came out.

They finally caught on that the blood trail was lengthened by the water currents, and not by movement itself.

Soda stared at the giant rock where the blood seemed to pool from.

He could feel every scale on his translucent skin quiver as he slowly approached the other side of the boulder, Pony trailing right behind him. He felt nauseous, his heartbeat roaring in his ears as he peered over the corner,

And then he realised their worst fear was real.

Darry lay half hoisted on the rock, his face scrunched up, pain visible in every crevice on his face. The blood covering him didn’t help his image, but as Sodapop searched for his injury, he instantly found out what it was.

His fins were gone.

Sodapop then heard a sharp gasp behind him, then nothing at all, as if Pony was holding his breath, just for a chance to hear Darry’s. Soda soon realised that he was doing it too. They were in suspense for what felt like eternity, but then they both watched his chest rise. They probably let out the biggest sighs of their lives all at once. 

Sodapop broke the agonizing silence first, “Help me bring him further up.” And Ponyboy, like a good little brother, asked no questions and helped Soda by grabbing other Darry's arm, and they both dragged him up under the decaying wooden bridge at the beach despite Darry's groans of protest.

Ponyboy hastily found his position, hugging his brother, and just watched as his other brother left, any trace of his tail and fins gone.

The way Sodapop ran off puzzled Ponyboy, since when was Sodapop able to walk so flawlessly on his two feet? He's tried his fair share of walking on land when his brothers weren't around, but he never truly got the hang of it.

He wanted to wipe the sudden tears out of his eyes, especially since all he could see was a red blur of his brother but he didn't dare move his arms away from his brother's possibly dying body, hoping that his will alone will save Darry.

It didn't take long for Sodapop to come back, all dressed up in loose human clothes, with even more bundled up in his hands.

Sodapop tried to silently pry Pony off of Darry, but Pony would defensively bare his teeth, not even bothering to think of what his brother was trying to accomplish.

The middle child found himself sighing impatiently, “I want to bandage him up Pony. So he stops bleeding out?” He snapped at his brother, feeling the guilt seep into his bones after he uttered the last word.

But before Sodapop could apologize, Pony's arms slithered off Darry, revealing that they were now also covered in the crimson liquid as well.

Sodapop paid little to no mind to Ponyboy, instead Soda started to tear apart his spare clothes and wrap up anything he could. The wound on Darry's back was the hardest to bandage, but he eventually did it, not without the help of a giant shirt he stole of course.

Darry moved only the slightest bit to help with Sodapop's handiwork, but his panting and whines at each move was heartbreaking for his brothers to hear.

What was even more heart shattering? When he called out for their mom.

It was barely a squeak from his throat, but both the brothers caught it, the air suffocating them from the overwhelming worry.

Sodapop and Ponyboy sat side by side, both now in their “human forms”, not really sure of what to do next. Without his fins, Darry isn't able to swim. Being in the water would also mean the bandages Sodapop just applied would be of no use.

Pony shivered in the navy shirt his brother had given him, the sleeves were ripped off as bandages, but he didn't dare complain. 

Darry was in some sort of jacket, whatever that is. Ponyboy was just being taught these words, as Soda tried to distract him from the fact that he had no clue how else to help Darry.

After a bit more of talking, it was Ponyboy that actually had come up with an idea. “Wha if we get human help?” Sodapop's eyes widened as he looked down at his brother, but before he could ask if he was utterly crazy, Pony continued. 

“We have ta git 'im in his human form, and then we call a human over? I mean.. almost completely light out Soda, we bound to get noticed.” Ponyboy whispered, as if he was already afraid of being caught.

Sodapop sighed again, noting how his brother's idea isn't actually that bad. “You know what? Sure Pony.” But the hardest part was yet to come, trying to convince Darry to change his form whilst in pain.

Soda carefully shook Darry’s shoulder whilst calling his name, and after only three “Darry"s later, he opened his eyes with a short grunt.

Trying his best to be gentle, Sodapop helped Darry to sit up straight. “Can ya get out of the tail? We need ta get human help Dar.” He spoke softly, similar to the way he'd speak to Pony after he had a bad nightmare.

Darry's eyes opened slightly to see his younger brothers’ fearful faces. “Aye.” His voice was thick with exhaustion, and now Soda started to worry that he'd been laying out by the rocks, awake, for far too long.

As Soda and Pony waited for Darry, their heads snapped up as the wood above them creaked awkwardly with pressure. 

A human.., a hunter?

Sodapop faced his baby brother, “Go get that human for help, I'll stay with Darry.” Instead of following anything Soda would ask of him, he shook his head vigorously. 

“Natter with human? No! No!” His eyes seemed even more full of tears if that was possible, it was a shock to Soda that they haven't spilled out yet.

And so, with an annoyed huff, Soda got up himself and pointed at Pony. “Stay right here.” And then he hurried off for help.

Soda sprinted up the land, until the bridge was low enough for him to push up onto it. As he looked sideways, towards the sunrise, he noticed only one person on the bridge.

“Help!” He yelled out, running even faster than earlier to reach the man as quickly as possible. “Help- My kin! He's hurt and he needs mighty help!”

The man turned around, his greased up rusty hair lit up by the morning sun hues. “They be hurt?” Despite the rude interruption of his morning rum, he didn't find it in himself to be mad about that.

“Yes! By uh.” Soda bit down on his lips, realizing what he'd have to say. “By those bloomin' sirens!” He spat out the words with as much hate as he could muster, and only when he finished his sentence, he realised his lip was bleeding.

The bottle clicked as the man set it down, it twas still almost full but it'd have to wait. “Where's ye heartie?” The man seemed to get focused after he mentioned a siren, but Sodapop already knew the hatred of his species from his time at the tavern, Bucks.

“Under the bridge!” Sodapop jumped straight down, the drop landing him in the water. The man, on the other hand, ran down the bridge a bit before jumping down, so he landed on the dry sand instead.

Sodapop led the man to his brothers lickety-split, surprised that Darry seemed less groggy from the last time he saw him.

Darry stared daggers at the human, but his look faltered as another wave of pain hit him, where he let out a quiet hiss as he jammed his eyes shut.

The man looked stunned for a second, before going up to Darry, and helped him up by wrapping his arm around his waist. Darry, in turn, hooked his arm around the man's neck with a whimper.

The man tipped his head towards Soda, and soon enough the two of them were hoisting Darry up, and walking towards the town not far from the shore.  

Pony was right at their tail, glad that the human wasn't looking at him as he was subtly trying to figure out how to walk. He knew enough to follow them, but his balance was all over the place.

The man shook his head with a crazy grin once they left the sandy beach. “Blimey! Wait 'til me crew sees the state o' ‘im.”

[mylifebeingautistic]

book review: Keedie by Elle McNicoll

Set five years before Elle McNicoll's debut A Kind of Spark, this book follows Keedie in her mission to confront the bullies in her school. The book addresses topics such as teenage popularity, standing up for what is right, and complicated relationships between siblings.

Before this book I had already read A Kind of Spark and watched its TV show adaptation, and Keedie was my favourite character of both. So I was very excited about this book from the second I first heard about it. And it didn't disappoint! This book gave me almost everything I could have wished for.

I loved getting to meet Keedie's friends, Bonnie and Angel, who are also autistic, but have different support needs to Keedie. I would have liked to have seen more of them!

Keedie's relationships with her sisters, Nina and Addie, change throughout this book. I thought their dynamics as siblings were written very well. Nina's role in the story was particularly interesting, painting a very realistic picture of what it might be like to be fourteen years old and trying to fit in.

From this point on, I will be discussing spoilers for Keedie. If you don't want to see those, stop reading here!

Firstly, I loved this scene with Keedie and Mr Allison in the library. Keedie tells Mr Allison how she didn't like the books he'd recommended to her, which were all about the main characters having an autistic sibling, rather than autistic people getting to be the heroes themselves.

"Well, I'll be on the hunt for better. The school wants more representation in the library." "Oh, there's some good stuff," I tell him. "Sherlock Holmes. Vincent Van Gogh. Mr Darcy. Jo and Beth March. Mr Dick from David Copperfield." His eyes dance with surprise. "I'm impressed. And they're all autistic?" "Sure," I say, heading for the exit. "They just don't have the paperwork."

I loved this part because it referenced some characters that I also think are autistic. Especially Beth March and Mr Darcy. I've always found them so relatable and thought they would be autistic if they were real and living in a time when they were able to express themselves and get a diagnosis. Maybe I could make another post about book characters I think are autistic. Would you find that interesting?

It crept up on us, this loss of how things used to be. People are now swept up in what other people think of them. From the choking taste of hairspray in the bathrooms to the group chats, something has shifted.

I really liked this description of the change that happens in school as you enter the teenage years. It's such a shame that it happens. Imagine how much nicer the world could be if we were all free to be ourselves, without worrying what others would think.

In the scene where Keedie speaks up for April when she is hit by the snooker ball, I liked how her differences that might be seen as a bad thing by some were useful in doing something good.

Other people have stops in their heads, like the barriers that come down to block a car from driving across train tracks. Other people keep certain words and behaviours inside, the barriers come down and they don't act. They wait. I don't have those barriers. Never have.

When Keedie confronts her sister after Nina's friends bullied Bonnie at the Founders' Day celebration, Nina says this:

"I did nothing!" Nina shouts, suddenly animated. "As usual, I did nothing wrong!"

Which I think is such an important point about how compliance and being a bystander to bullying is actually just as bad as doing the bullying itself.

"Exactly," I say coarsely. "You did nothing."

At the same time, I do feel for Nina, because I remember what it was like to be in her situation. You feel as if you have to go along with the bullies, because if you don't, they will turn on you too. And I'm glad she saw the error of her ways and apologised to Keedie at the end.

At the birthday party, this happens once again:

I silently challenge Nina with a glare. She can make all this go away. She can check her friends. She can take them somewhere else. She can stand up to them, stand up for us, for once. She can make a difference and choose not to be a bystander to her friends and their bullying tactics. But she says nothing.

I thought it was really accurate how in this scene, the type of bullying that Nina's friends use is one that might not seem like bullying to an outsider. Patronising tones, saying horrible things whilst smiling. It becomes worse later, but it is still the type of bullying that is difficult to report. Targets of bullying like this might not tell anyone because of how difficult it is to explain, or they might question whether to report at all, whether the problem is even real or if they're just overexaggerating it. I know this because it happened to me.

"Want to know the worst thing about being autistic? It's not the autism." I throw the napkin down and push back my chair. "It's people like you."

I really liked this ongoing metaphor of the North Star, as Keedie's reason to keep fighting.

If I'm a voyager of sorts, Bonnie is my North Star. I keep one eye on her at all times, no matter the state of the current, and I keep sailing towards it. She's my only North Star and that will never change.

When Keedie tries to give Angel's dad money so that Addie can go to his school, she doesn't have enough. But Angel's dad tells her:

"You be the person you needed at her age. Be her rock. Be the tree that doesn't move in the storm. You can do that, I know you can, you already are!"

I think this really influences Keedie to become the person we know in A Kind of Spark. She realises that she can't change her past, but she can change Addie's future, to make Addie's experience of growing up better than her own.

It's time to stop hunting sea monsters and start rescuing sharks. To keep gazing up at that North Star. Polaris never was just one star in the sky: it looks like a single bright light but it's made up of multiple stars.

Have you read Keedie? What did you think of it? Did you find it relatable in the same ways I did, or in different ones? Let me know in the comments!

[thatgoblin]

Summary: You're at the end of your rope and things come to a head that end in near tragedy.

Warnings: Emotional abuse, near miscarriage, affairs, I will not apologize for putting Mike Baker from Rainbow 6 Siege into this. I do what I want.

~::~::~::~::~::~::~

“Mum, Dad, what are you doing here?” I asked, keeping my distance from the pair. Moira and Seán MacTavish were in their late 50s, but did their best not to look like it. Mum had her hair dyed a lighter blond as Dad had put black dye in his beard and hair. Johnny looked just like our dad too, dark hair, stormy blue/gray eyes, hell is Johnny had a full head of hair and a beard it would be hard to tell them apart. Mum looked just like Saorsie. Both had the same sandy blond that would glimmer like rays of sun on a warm day with hazel eyes that would swirl into more green some days.

I, however, looked very little like them. My hair didn’t shine like my Mum’s and sister’s or have the same depth of black that Johnny and my dad had and my eyes were dark, with no fleck of blue or green. I had some of my mom’s features, faintly the same nose, but very little in common with my Dad.

“Your brother let us know of your situation,” my Mum, said as she stepped forward to meet me and John with my Dad next to her. “We wanted to see if it was true and see if any help was needed.”

“You want to offer help?” I asked, scoffing at her. “After nearly a decade, after lying about me to the family and friends and anyone who would listen, after blaming me and making sure everyone knew you blamed me for Saorisie’s death, you want to offer help? Fuck off.”

“I knew she would be like this,” Dad said, shaking his head.

“You didn’t know shite,” I snapped. “You washed your hands of me years ago. You don’t get to come back into my life and act like you both are offering some saving grace as I flounder. I’ve been doing fine without you.”

“You got pregnant after getting drunk with a stranger,” Mum hissed. “You don’t have to like it, but we’re here to make sure you don’t ruin your life.”

“Well, I haven’t ruined my life. It’s honestly pretty good. I have friends and I have a partner and I’m having this baby without your help,” I said. “Now, you’ve done what you came here to do, so leave.”

“Do you really think you can raise a baby? That’s a commitment. You can’t go out and party when you want to or take the baby with you. What about when you go to work? Who’s going to watch the baby? Not the baby’s father,” she said.

“We’ll figure it out and it’s none of your business,” I snarled at her. She didn’t flinch though, keeping her stance. “I don’t like you, you don’t like me. Why are you here? What did Johnny say? That I’m drinking or doing drugs or trying to get money from John?”

“He didn’t exactly say that, but he did say that you were pregnant with his captain’s child,” Mum said with a small huff. “Don’t ruin this for him. He’s worked so hard to be where he is. Johnny doesn’t need you to come in and screw it up for him.”

“Oh fuck off,” I spat with a scowl.

“That’s what will happen because that’s what you always do. You ruin things.” I couldn’t answer, swallowing back any retort or else I’d burst into tears. Even after all these years, I was still crippled so easily by her words. “You know that I’m right.”

“Enough of this,” John growled. He had been uncharacteristically quiet the whole time, but when he pulled me by the arm, I noticed my Dad was standing further off to the side. When had he stepped away? “Bugger off, both of you,” he snarled as he walked us inside. His grip was tight, painfully so. I didn’t have time to tell him no or to stop before we were in my place.

“Okay, ow,” I huffed, jerking my arm away. “What was that?” I asked, rubbing my arm where he’d gripped it.

“Sorry, Love,” he said with a soft sigh. “I didn’t think your parents were that bad, but I was quickly proven wrong.”

“You didn’t believe me?” I asked, stepping back. “Are you fucking kidding me? After sticking up for me with Johnny and everyone else, but you didn’t believe me this whole time about my parents?”

“I didn’t say that,” John said, facing me. “I didn’t say that you were lying or that I didn’t believe you.”

“But you did. Just now. You thought I was lying to make my parents sound like monsters!” I cried, shaking my head. “Why would I lie about that!?”

“I don’t know!” John yelled, throwing his hands into the air. “I didn’t think it was as horrible as you made it because sometimes we think the horrible things that happened to us growing up seem much worse than they really were. When you said your parents favored your sister and brother over you, I thought it was because you didn’t have as many activities as them to go to or maybe because you were the youngest, you thought it wasn’t fair that Johnny got to leave so soon after school or your sister got the car instead of you because Johnny wasn’t there.”

“Oh my god,” I said, moving further away from him. My head was feeling hot and fuzzy as my chest began to tighten up. “You were humoring me this whole time and-God! I’m so stupid!”

“No, Love, please-”

“Get out,” I snarled. “Get out of my house! Get out of my life! I’m done! I’m fucking done, John! I have gone above and beyond for you! Letting you into my life because you’re the father of this baby, but you've changed so much of my life and keep trying to change more when I tell you to stop it. I am done being bowled over by people in my life. I was better off alone and I’ll be better off alone. You just bully and push till I give you what you want, saying you care about me, but really it’s just control.”

“Please, let’s just take a moment to calm down-”

“No! I’m not listening to you anymore! You’re not going to bully me into giving you what you want,” I said, pointing at the door.

John stood there, mouth open like he was trying to make words come out, but nothing happened. I stood my ground, keeping my finger pointed at the door. He took a deep breath before nodding. His heavy footsteps followed him out the door, leaving me in silence.

Just when things were seemingly working out, of course it all went to garbage.

‘You ruin everything.’

~::~::~::~

Johnny had kept to himself mostly after the screaming meltdown he’d had with his sister. He had tried to reason away everything their parents did, that maybe they did it to keep them all safe or were just tired of this out of control child. With a busted ankle, he had nothing but time to mull everything over and really process it. When he first ran into his estranged sister and saw she was obviously pregnant, he wanted to turn around and run. The thought of getting caught up in that drama and getting guilted into helping this poor single mum did not sit well with him.

Then it turned out that she and his Captain had had a fling and it was his baby. After years of listening to what their parents went through while trying to help her only to get spat on, Johnny was not going to let his Captain fall victim to her. It probably wasn’t even his.

Price swore it was and that they hadn't slept with anyone else, but he still didn’t know. Even when they nearly came to blows at his place, it took Simon pointing out the flaws in the lies he’d been fed to get through that maybe his parents were showing favoritism and there was something much deeper going on. Usually he could sniff out a bad situation, but it was his family and he trusted them. Simon didn’t have that luxury growing up and knew that people could be cold and cruel, no matter the kind and caring face they put forward for the world to see. It helped him grasp the possibility that his sister was telling the truth.

Johnny wasn’t ready to believe her 100%, but he wanted to talk to their parents first. He called them up a few days after seeing her again and talking about what had happened. From seeing her pregnant in the grocery store to it being his Captain that was the father. They had some problems with that, automatically calling her several choice words and agreeing that it either wasn’t Price’s baby or she had done it on purpose to get money out of him. There was no mention of them coming to visit, though.

He didn’t speak to them again till after he was screamed at. It was the tipping point in him beginning to believe his sister. When he brought up everything, they always had something to explain why they did what they did, but the more he pushed, the more they began to turn on him. They’re choices sounded insane and the reasoning was flimsy and were done not to combat an unruly child, but punishing someone for the sake of punishing them.

A story from school came to mind as he stewed. The story of the Whipping Boy. The Prince wouldn’t be punished, no matter how awful he was, so The Whipping Boy would take the punishment. No matter how terrible or if the Prince misbehaved on purpose, the Whipping Boy was the one to take every whipping or beating. That was his sister, but worse. Their parents didn’t wait for Saoirse or Johnny to mess up to take out their anger and frustration on their youngest child.

It was too late, though. Johnny had driven the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

He sat on his sofa, picking his phone up, wanting to call or text his sibling, but dropping the phone each time. Johnny felt the need to fix things between them. He didn’t have any other siblings and neither did she, and with how their parents went about things, the two would be the only family they had left.

Until John came through the front door.

The man looked exhausted, his shoulders limp and stance bowed. His eyes were red and wet while his nose was irritated as he kept sniffling. What had happened?

“Cap?” Johnny said, moving to stand and limp over to the older man.

“I’m going to put this as simply as possible,” John said, his face hardening into a pointed snarl as he faced Johnny. “Do not talk to me. Do not ask me anything. Until I can keep myself from trying to strangle you, fuck off.” His voice was terse, deeper and more gravelly than usually.

“What?” Johnny said, hurt and confused about what was being said. Had his sister told Price he did something wrong?

“Your bloody parents showed up is what,” Price snapped. “I was making things work. We were going to be okay, but then your parents showed up and made sure it was fuckin’ flushed down the drain. Your dad, yeah? Your dad offered me money to leave your sister and my daughter to make sure you weren’t affected by our relationship.”

“I didn’t know they were going to come here and see her or you!” Johnny cried. “They didn’t say anything about it and I certainly didn’t call them to complain or tell them to do that! It’s not my fault our parents did that!”

“It is!” Price snarled. “It is your fault! You were told by me and by her that your parents were fuckin’ abusive and horrible, but you ignored it and ran to them the moment you could!”

“I’m sorry, okay! I thought she were lying! I thought she was trying to get you locked into a relationship for money!” Johnny yelled back.

“You were told by multiple people that your parents were lying! You were told! There was no reason to involve them and now I have to go to a lawyer so I can have rights to see my daughter because her mother doesn’t want anything to do with me!” Price yelled.

“How is that my fault!? How is that my parents fault!? Did you take the money!?” Johnny bellowed, knowing full well he was digging himself a hole as he kept arguing with his superior.

“I didn’t take the money,” Price said, suddenly deflating. “I. . . Told her I didn’t realize they were that bad. She took it as that I didn’t believe her and now she’s kicked me out of her life and the baby’s.” The men were quiet as they stood there. Johnny had thought he’d lost his sister for just a bit, not permanently. With the new development, it looked like he may not have a chance to fix things.

“Oh,” Johnny said softly. He didn’t know what else to say. Johnny did feel bad for Price, but he didn’t have guilt. It needed to be there, but he just didn’t have it.

“Just give me some space, you muppet,” John said softly, inhaling sharply through his nose. “It may not be your fault completely, but you had a hand in it. We’ve got time before our next mission and I need to not go into it with a clouded head.” At the end of the day, no matter how much chaos was happening in his personal life, he needed to not let it into his job. If that meant avoiding Johnny for a few days, so be it.

Johnny wasn’t sure what to do to help anyone, but he knew someone who would. Making a quick call and finding they were in town, he was glad to catch them.

~::~::~::~

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. All that I could do was sit on my couch and sob. I was overwhelmed with so much anger and fear and sadness. Jesse would have been there in a heartbeat, but I needed to do this alone. This new direction meant I would be on my own with a baby and as much as I was used to doing things myself, I had to accept that not even Jesse could be around when I needed someone. He had his own life and his own problems and joys and events that I couldn’t bear to take from him.

Stress pains began to make me nauseous as I rubbed my belly. It was becoming too much and I couldn’t stop crying. John had left an hour ago already, but it was more like he’d died with how I was reacting. Was I grieving? Maybe. My whole life felt like it was spent grieving for something. My acceptance of my parents not loving me, my brother leaving me, my sister dying, the loss of who I could be if my family wasn’t shite. . . I was cursed. It had to be that. That was the only way that these things could be happening.

By the time night fell, I was able to gather myself enough to practice deep breathing as I kept rubbing over my belly while I laid on my couch. There was still pain, not as bad, but it wasn’t coming and going, just staying. It was starting to get concerning, to the point I was about to call for an ambulance as there was a knock on the door. Continuing to focus on my breathing as I worked to stand up, I was overcome with a sharp pain in my stomach that brought me to my knees with a wail.

“No, no, no, no,” I muttered as I held my belly with one hand and the other held me up as best I could.

“Ducky!” A familiar gruff voice called from the front.

“Mike!” I cried. “Mike, I need you!”

The one who had come through when I was alone and in need, it was always Mike to shuffle along and find me. He was my cousin on my Dad’s side and always kept his distance till he was truly needed.

The front door nearly came off its hinges when he came in, ready to fight anyone and anything he had to to get to me. He barrelled into the living room to kneel next to me.

“I’m here. I’ve got you, Ducks,” he said, helping me stand to pick me up. “We’re going to the hospital.”

“My wallet is by the front door,” I said before a sharp pain came over me again. “Shite!” Mike got me into his truck before running back in. He took a minute to come back, but he had grabbed my pack and was coming back out while stuffing it with my purse while holding a pair of shoes for me to slip on. He handed me my things before rushing around to his side. Once he was in the truck, he took off.

“Keep breathing, Ducks. I know it hurts, but keep breathing,” he said. The man had been a part of SAS for as long as I had been alive, to see him flustered even the slightest was unsettling. He was gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white as he sped to the hospital. I could only nod and continue to breathe.

Screeching to a halt in front of the emergency entrance, Mike was out and yelling for help as he ran around to my side to pick me up from the truck. He blew past the nurses that were rushing out to meet us with a wheelchair and straight into the emergency center. It took two words of ‘pregnancy’ and ‘pain’ to be taken back to a room. I was put into a gown and had an ultrasound pushed into the room so fast I swore that I saw a dust trail behind it. Through the exams and monitoring, Mike held my hand as I was terrified I had lost the baby. If I had, I knew. . . I just knew I would not survive it.

“Want me to call anyone?” Mike asked softly as the nurse reported to the doctor.

“I don’t know. I’m not-” I choked on the words, trying to calm down, but it was feeling impossible. “I’m not talking to anyone right now.”

“No one?” Miked asked, receiving a nod.

“Mum and Dad came by and as usual, I was treated like shit and the baby’s father was with me. So of course he gets caught up in it and suddenly we’re fighting because he never did believe me about how shite my parents are,” I said, rubbing my belly with my free hand.

“Your Mum and Dad are here? They came all the way here to just give you shit?” He asked, sighing heavily.

“Mostly to reprimand me for possibly fucking up Johnny’s military career. His captain is the father,” I said. “It was a drunk one time thing, we’ve been trying to work it out, but Johnny decided he needed to meddle and now Mum and Dad showed up to make sure I hadn’t ruined something else.”

“Fuckin’ hell,” Mike groaned. “This is bullshit. Even after all these years, they still find a way to be fuckin’ knobs. I’m so sorry this happened, Ducky.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said. “It’s no one’s fault, it just happened.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry. I should have come sooner,” he said. “Maybe you wouldn’t feel so awful now.”

“How did you know to come by?” I asked, but the doctor came in before he could answer.

He was quick and to the point, I needed to go on bedrest for the next few weeks. My blood pressure had been so low before and now it was sky high, giving me braxton hicks contractions. The baby was fine and would be okay, but it all boiled down to me needing to get as much water as possible (something they always told me) as well as keeping my stress levels as low as possible.

Well, I would have to figure out work again and I am pretty sure they’ll just let me go or put me on maternity leave early. As for needing to lower my stress level, I had been forced to take on so much so quickly that I wasn't sure if I could do anything about it.

I would be kept overnight at least, meaning I would be given some time to get things arranged. At least Mike was there.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to call someone?” Mike asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, rubbing my face. “I basically broke up with John and kicked him out, so I don’t think he’d even want to be here.”

“John? And he’s a captain? You shacked up with John Price?” Mike asked, chuckling.

“Not helping, Mike,” I sighed. “How do you know John?”

“Ducky, I was his CO for his first year in SAS,” Mike said. “I know him. I’m surprised he’s not here trying to sneak in.”

“That’s a big part of our problems, actually. We were going to talk about him bullying me into what he thinks is best for me rather than asking what I want,” I said. “He just came back from a mission and we found out the gender of the baby when my parents were waiting for us at my place. Which, I don’t know how they found it. I haven’t seen or spoken to them in almost a decade. Johnny probably said something,” I said. “That’s the only explanation.”

“Well, despite him having a bit of a runner for a mouth, he did give me a call to come by and see you,” Mike said. “He told me a bit about the row you two had and how you put him in his place, as well as that you and the father were on the outs. Not too much detail, but enough that I came by as soon as I could. I’m on leave for a bit and, if you need me to, I can make it longer.”

“You don’t have to-”

“My Duck,” he said, gently stopping him. “You have no one, according to you, so please let me help you. It’s the least I could do to help make up for not being here sooner.” I was quiet, nodding as I squeezed his bear claw of a hand.

“Why can’t my parents be like you?” I asked softly, looking up at him with watery eyes.

“I wish I had the answers for you, I truly do,” he said. We fell into a comfortable quiet, letting me drift off to sleep for a bit.

What woke me up was the sound of arguing outside my room. I couldn’t see anyone, but I was able to pick out a few voices. Mike was there with Johnny as John’s voice piped in to cut off a very angry Scottish man’s voice. Oh.

“Enough of this shite,” Mike snarled, coming back into the room. “I’m telling her. I’m done letting you control this narrative. I couldn’t be there when she needed me the most when she was younger, but I’m here now and she needs to know the truth.”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” My mum shrieked as she followed Mike closely with my dad, Johnny, John, and a few nurses trying to break the whole group up.

“Ducky,” Mike said, his voice quieting down as he turned to me. “I am so sorry and I want you to understand that I couldn’t be what you needed me to be when you were younger. That was probably when you needed me the most.”

“Mike Baker, shut your fuckin’ mouth!” My dad bellowed.

“Out!” A nurse yelled, while security filed into the room. “Everyone out!”

“Please, let me explain,” Mike said.

“Mike can stay,” I said as the others were forced out. “He can stay.” Johnny helped drag our dad out as well as our mum. Once everyone was gone and the yelling had stopped, Mike let out a tired groan as he took a seat next to my hospital bed. “So, why are you sorry?” I asked, groggy and confused by the sudden appearance of everyone.

“That I wasn’t a better father,” Mike said, going right to the issue. He never was one to dance around the subject. “Specifically to you.” It took a few moments for me to understand as I was still groggy, but when it did this sense of understanding and acceptance washed over me. It made everything click into place, giving me proper balance for the first time.

“You’re my father?” I said slowly. “So, who’s my mum?”

“Moira. She’s your mum,” Mike said with a sigh as he sat down. “Seán and her were having a rough patch after Saoirse was born. It lasted a few years and got to the point that she left everyone for me for a while. She didn’t know she was pregnant till after a few weeks of deciding she didn’t want me after all.”

“That was the same time that you and your ex-wife, Laurie, split up,” I said, putting the puzzle pieces together. He nodded and sighed. “So Mum and. . . Seán, they knew the whole time?”

“Yeah. From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she knew you were mine,” he said.

“And you weren’t around because of your job?”

“Mostly, but also because I didn’t want to make things rough for you. Neither of your parents were happy that I was your father and made sure that I knew they would never let me forget it. It wasn’t until your sister’s death that I was able to see what was going on. I was always away or busy with my own life, add in your parents threatening me if I told you. . .”

“So, it’s all my parents fault,” I said with a nod. “Not this thing, but in general. I’m gonna blame my parents for it. It always goes back to them. Even if I wasn’t an affair babe, they would have treated me differently still.”

“I still take part of the blame for you having the life you did,” Mike said.

“Don’t. You did what you could and they could have chosen any route to take and they took one of the worst ones,” I said. “Thank you for telling me now though. I’m really tired of people hiding things.”

“You’re welcome, Ducky,” Mike said, giving my hand a squeeze. “Your Jo is outside whenever you’re ready to talk to him.”

“I’m assuming you called him and Johnny and Johnny called our parents,” I said, slowly blinking as I looked at him. Despite the commotion and the news, I was still so tired from being given a small dose of melatonin to calm down and relax. It was one of the few things I could have that would help with my stress other than people leaving me alone.

“I called Johnny, but he told John. The boy called your parents to yell at them and everyone showed up at once,” he said, shaking his head.

“That sounds about right,” I said. “I don’t have the energy to deal with them, but tomorrow I’ll pick one to talk to. Right now it’s resting time.” Mike snickered, nodding. Going back to sleep, I didn’t think about what I was going to say or do till the next morning came with John sitting outside with my favorite breakfast food and flowers and, the thing that told me he was really thinking of me, a set of bracelets made of rose quartz.

Mike looked to me for approval before letting him in.

John looked like a kicked and drowned puppy with how he stood there in the doorway, holding out the food.

“Actions are louder than words and. . . This is very much shouting how sorry you are,” I said. “You can come in and we can talk.”

I could feel the relief as he let out a huge sigh before coming over to hand me the food. After sleeping and having some breakfast, my head was much clearer and not as frazzled or full of rage. “I’m sorry that I screamed at you last night and said we were done,” I said, reaching out for his hand. “I was really hurt by what you had said, but I should not have reacted that way. At most I should have asked for a night off.”

“No, you were in the right,” John said, taking my hand with both of his. “You were stressed and we hadn’t had a chance to talk about us before getting jumped by your parents. I should have kept my mouth shut and let you decompress.”

“Both of us were in a spot and needed to talk about us. It can’t be just one side who’s wrong,” I said. “I think we should go to counseling so we can make this work. The baby needs us to be better than this.”

“Absolutely,” John said, nodding. “Whatever it takes to get us to the good, I’ll do it.”

“Same here,” I said, smiling. Pulling him over to me, I gave him a kiss and a tight hug, before putting his hand to my belly as the baby began to move around. She had started to do that after I ate more and more, which helped with timing as he stared wide eyed in wonder.

“She’s really in there,” he said with a soft chuckle, getting teary eyed. “I know you’re pregnant and never doubted it, but it’s just so different feeling her kick around. It makes it so much more real.”

“I know. I thought it was indigestion at first,” I said, smiling as I stared at his hand on my belly. His calloused and work worn hands were such a stark contrast with my baby blue hospital gown, but it was good. We were two different people coming together when this mish mash of us was created. “Now she’s doing happy dances whenever I eat. She’s a lot like her mummy, happy for food.”

“Well you’re not the only one who likes a good meal,” John chuckled, leaning in to kiss my head. We chit chatted a bit more, getting settled back into our usual rhythm that helped solidify our relationship.

A knock at the door made us go silent. The door opened to show Johnny hanging his head very much in the same way John had. So many mixed feelings shot through me and I wasn’t ready to talk to him.

“I just wanted to stop by and. . .” He trailed off as he looked up at us. “Um, can we talk?”

“Johnny. . . I can’t. Not now,” I said, actively working to keep myself from letting my anger shoot up with my blood pressure. “I don’t know what you want to say, but I can’t. There is too much stress and with you calling our parents? Please just go. If I want to talk in the future, I will come to you.”

It was easy to see his heart break, but he stayed quiet. Johnny nodded, taking a deep breath before leaving.

“You want me to talk to him, don’t you?” I said, looking over at John.

“I don’t want you to do anything unless you want to. This is between you and him,” he said. “If you want to talk to him, I’ll support you. If you never want to see him again, I can do my best as I work with him.”

Shit, that’s right.

“I think some counseling first would be good before I attempt anything,” I said. “You working with him changes things and with what you do, I don’t want our issues spilling over into your work. I need you and the baby needs you. There’s no way that I can risk losing you.”

“I need you, too,” he said, kissing my cheek. “So, I can let him know that things between the two of you will be paused and if anything, encourage him to go to counseling as well. God knows our entire group needs it.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” I said with a nod. “In the mean time, we need to pick your place or mine to live in so we can have a nursery to get ready.”

“Didn’t think that you liked my place,” he said with a snort.

“Eh, it’s not a matter of not liking your place, it’s a matter of comfort. Not having a backup plan makes me nervous,” I said.

“Understood. Let’s get you home first then spin a wheel to decide, hmm?”

“I will spin your wheel, ye daft ninny,” I groaned, rolling my eyes while John snickered. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too, Love.”

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