#by that i mean gets worse im ok rn
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no rey you cannot kill yourself bc of english, yes rey you have to take the stupid test on friday even though we've had state testing all week and everyone's brain is fried, no rey you CAN NOT kill yourself to get out of it
#rey's chats#and this is how i became depressed and extremely suicidal last time#i'm gonna be pissed if it happens again#by that i mean gets worse im ok rn
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"what do hands mean about a character?"
Their hands mean they love eachother
(webcomic)
#i almost wrote 'source' instead of 'webcomic'#that's a little twitter brain rot right there ngl#it's so bad on twitter rn yall like#straight up isn't showing my posts to my followers anymore#and art in general does. so much worse when it's actually the artist posting them#like provably art performs better when the artist pretends they stole it...#so so so glad I'm still on tumblr LMFAO#every time i use twitter i take psychic damage#'ohhhh why do you still use it' everyone is asking me this#my job. is to post art#kinda gotta post#I mean. ok that's not my job#you know this and I know this#but it's an important part of my career#its gonna be my job after i leave webtoon tho#god i hope that works#im so scared#LMAOOOO#anyways. these hands look good as hell#i think all the hands i draw look good#caus i love hands#but i loooove drawing hand holding...#the amount you can say with how a hand touches another.#im gonna be thriving with wwl#cause they have to hold hands or hell die#pump it into my veins#ok i can tell my bf js getting annoyed ive had my phone on for 3 hours in bed by#time and time again#adam and Steve#webtoon originals
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Not to be too corny but the new year has got me thinking and I really appreciate this blog because this is pretty much the only site/community/fandom where I don't stress out over posting every single thing I post, afraid I'll be shit on for... something (my brain is very good at coming up with hypotheticals). I know, I know I'm way too sensitive and i shouldn't care about what others think and the internet isn't real so it doesn't matter etc. etc. but unfortunately I just don't know how to get my brain to work like that. I mean, I'm still too afraid of being cringe to draw/write/yap about everything I'd hypothetically like to, but I've been way more social and open to posting my thoughts on here than I've ever been before, and it's made me more confident online overall. So thank you all for being so welcoming and chill!
#idk hopefully this makes sense. might delete in the morning lol#mine#not tes#vent#(mostly positive one)#im working on an animation rn and im really excited about the idea and storyboard#and while i enjoy sharing my stuff on yt and to an extent im a little sad i dont do it as often there#something about posting t/es stuff on there makes me kinda dread it in a minor way#90% of the comments i get on my tes stuff have been honestly wonderful (and the 10% that hasnt has been from having an argonian nerevarine)#but also some of the things i want to do in the future are more headcanon or canon-divergent heavy and i stress out a little thinking about#potential not so kind comments relating to that. elsewhere people can just be so weird about it#and that sort of thing can take a hit to my motivation to work on animated stuff (despite being far and away my best stuff)#but everyone here is so friendly and generally open minded and it makes me less stressed about it and gives me more motivation#idk the internet has always been pretty mean and critical but i feel like its gotten so much worse in the past few years#and im too sensitive for it. and lonely. and internet addicted i think.#which sucks but this blog/community has made fandom posting genuinely enjoyable again#ok sincerity over back to scrolling
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im so sad cus my anxiety is Bad rn and being worsened by my trainee (not really her fault but nonetheless) but i don't have my anxiety meds and even if i DID i wouldn't be able to take them. so instead i am stuck being Anxious and Annoyed while trying to be Nice and a good Trainer.
#frustrated yelling#which coincidentally is what my trainee is doing thats making my anxiety worse#shes getting v frustrated with the Screws which isnt surprising at all bc theyre little shits#but#my anxiety was bad when i woke up which means im not particularly OKAY rn but i cant particularly SAY THAT#so despite knowing she needs to work with the Frustrating Screws due to the problem of#The Only Way Out Is Through#im not letting her actually work that table MUCH bc i simply Cannot Handle Her Being Frustrated rn#and if my supervisor asks me why i only let her build like 5 on that table ill tell her this bc idc if she knows or judges me about it#ok i care a little but im doing what i can okay#shh ac
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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been busy... last night I worked a 3hr shift til closing (10pm) and today I worked a 7hr shift from opening (8am)... 😭😭
#and to make matters worse we don't have a car rn so i had to take public transport!!! ieeee it took so long#i mean ok tbf there are plenty of days i get 6hr of sleep for no reason but still. still.#anyway this is the only time ive had a shift as bad as this i weighed up the merits and decided the $$$ was worth it this time#anyway. i got some stuff for a nice bath once i get home#rn im on the train. watching a grown man chew his earphone cord. hes very real for that i fear#oscar.exe
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god this fucking sucks.
#thinking that things were ok and safe COVID wise and then having the rug pulled out from under me I mean.#when I say I wish I never stopped masking I mean it for practical reasons too but a huge factor for me has also just been the psychological#distress of thinking things were safe and having that freedom followed by the gut punch of how abysmal the reality of COVID is!!!#we were never safe the freedom was false and now I'm trying to protect myself and others and nobody in my life will do the same for me#and I know I've had 1-2 infections and the compounding damage is high risk for me and the brain damage makes me so upset#bc my brain is already really bad and terrible and frustrating to live with and I cant handle it getting worse I cant#I just want to live and be a person and not have to worry about this and compromise my bodily safety bc I dont have anywhere to go where#the ppl I would cohabitate with would even CONSIDER being covid conscious and masking up like even a little bit#and I cant get too upset bc weve been lied to and traumatized and its really really hard to counteract that. bc im doing it rn and it#fucking SUCKS and i want to feel safe again so bad but I know that would be a lie#the absolute kindest and most understanding ppl around me are still treating this like its my personal problem. like ok when YOU feel safe#this is not a live and let live situation fuck!!! fuck you!!!!!#ok. gonna cry and try to sleep#it speaks
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ermmm something happened to my hand and now it like feels uncomfy and 2 of my fingers don't work properly ahhahahaha (im panicking)
#i mean i had issues with it for agessss#if i did smth too tough (like picked up smth heavy) or drew/wrote for too long it would hurt#like my palm and wrist and even till elbow#and recently it like suddenly started hurting on my ring finger#idk english like that but the part where it connects to the palm BUT closer to the pinky#it would hurt every time i would like move my hand and ring finger was involved#couple days later it stopped hurting?? all seemed well yet my hand now felt a bit off as if i overworked it but i could actually do stuff w#w/o pain#last night i noticed that my pinky and ring finger like.. don;t work right??#idk how to explain but like when i bend them instead of slowly bending like they should they kinda snap into final position?#it;s doesnt hurt just feels very Wrong#and on top of that#i can like straighten them#u know how u can put ur hand into a fist and then straighten each finger separately? i cannot do that w my pinky and ring finger#fun fact my pinky couldnt straighten for year but ring finger was ok. rn my pinky is WORSE? like it's just not moving unless entire hand do#um very fun for me AHAHHA#and idk today the entire muscle/nerve/who knows hurts from my palm to my elbow - which isnt too uncommon for me but i didnt do shit to caus#it. i have been doing nothing pretty much and it still feels OFF.. :'(#anyways i will be getting some shots in case it's um an inflammation of the joint and then we will see if i get better#dont even have a doc near me im in a VILLAGE (throwing up and dying)#someone pray that my hand gets better#adry.txt
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see the sawashiro fight is SLIGHTLY worse than the tendo fight in my humble opinion and my basis for this opinion is that i stayed up twenty minutes after saying i was going to sleep staring at my ceiling and debating this with myself
#snap chats#LIKE SOMETHING JUST FEELS WORSE ABOUT THE JO FIGHT#i think its because not only are you punished with Actual Damage during the cane phase but the cutscene trigger is also a pain#plus at least with tendo you have that poison on him so you get that extra chip damage along the way#yes ive had more people ko'd during the tendo fight but it just doesnt feel as bad to me#if perfect guarding's my enemy then i SHOULD hate the tendo fight more with how perfect-guard-heavy it is#i mean sawashiro also heals during his fight. Dickass#see sawashiro can also multihit your party members. which i guess doesnt suck TOO bad considering the lunchboxes#but STILL greater chance for someone to get ko'd or be in that danger zone#my y7 boss fight tier list when LMAO anyway im gonna go draw jo bye#with the other save i have im probably going to make boss-fight saves for jo and tendo tbh#i wanna get their perfect guards down- if i dont perfect guard for the jimas or kiryu and ishioda im Kinda ok#the ishioda fight was ass since i was just. Underprepared by messing up some stuff so the fact i beat it first run's fine#im excited to get good at this game LMAO i almost wanna start getting to making those saves rn...#im right before the jima fight in one file so.....#maybe ill have a stream where i JUST practice the sawashiro fight.. lol..#anyway. lemme do other shit first LMAO YOU THINK ID BE DONE WITH Y7 AT THIS POINT. I AM NOT#that game my baby... OK BYE FR
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...
#so i have bad news tht im too sad to share rn.#🥹 it'll be ok... just... aaaa....#man am i rly hurt and then it gets worse bc my mom has no respect for me as a person#she comes over unannounced and yells performatively w/ windows rolled down#acting like she cares when she doesn't give 2 shits once eyes aren't on ber#ty for reading sorry it wasn't very happy#my chest hurts#kinda just sitting here don't know what to do#mom came over trying to shove some food in my face (that comes with an unspoken catch where she gets to abuse me and justify it#bc 'look how much i do for you!!!')#i rejected it and she kept asking invasive questions#like whos driving me amd and what my weekly schedule is and will be for the next few months#she asked if i was hanging with xyz probs so she could go drive around their house/stake it out 🙄#in hopes of seeing me and pulling some fucked up humiliating stunt#she kept telling me tht her withholding my legal documents and mail from me is justified???#like wtf stop trying to take away my agency i am a fully competent grown ass person#and i dont welcome her manipulation disguised as help. i hate it dude#ty guys for all the helpfulness and kindness#ty guys for not taking advantage of a desperate situation#i acknowledge the selfless sacrifice and it means so much#truly just wanting to help#no other motives...#i wish it was like that irl#i told her what she's doing is illegal and she can literally tell it to authorities#dENY ME MY RIGHTS AGAIN 🤬 GRRRGRGRGRGRGRGRGRG BARK BARK BARK BEGONE!!!!
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last
for realsies
#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY#i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit#over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me#in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth#wow ok amazing spectacular#like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no#reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni#i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for#i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring#i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what#AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF#anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad#i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually#i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me#why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me#they understand but i dont know#ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit
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I had such a normal day today. I was even able to take short stairs at a normal pace, without breaks and without immediate consequences. Same for standing up and exiting the bus. I started having good days like that again in November but it had been a while, and since that horrible episode I wasn't sure it was gonna happen again anytime soon. It's just. So strange. 2 weeks ago I was so weak I could barely talk, barely walk, and at times unable to drink or use my phone. And today I walked and did a whole shift that involved a lot of thinking and talking, and then I carried a small bag of groceries and did the dishes. This was unthinkable 10 days ago. And it might be impossible tomorrow. Actually I might pay for today tomorrow, I won't know until I wake up too weak to turn in my bed, or suddenly in the middle of the day I become unable to hold my neck and my torso upright. This illness is making life so absurd. I can't project myself more than the current day bc I can never predict my physical state. Even within the day, I've been having these sudden onset episodes more regularly. It's just. So jarring. And ngl. Scary. Especially since the triggers are so unclear. Anyway. That was the disabled musings of the day.
#of course im enjoying it btw#i was so elated when i realized i was walking up the stairs without the ramp and at normal speed#and my heart was doing ok and i wasnt weak#but its also so surreal#and i cant be too happy bc this isnt recovery#there is no linear recovery for me#and theres always the fear that this kind of good days where i do more things#are actually what is making me worse bc im pushing too much#there are no answers rn#my life is fucking weird#btw this is long covid so for the love of FUCK wear a mask#wear a mask and monitor cases in your area and do whatever you can to limit the spread#i was not expendable then i am not expendable now#medical#long covid#also fingies crossed i get those neurology apptmts soon bc the wait is killing me#idc if theres something or not i just need to know#is this curable or not#is this untreatable or not#if theres nothing in neurology it means ive reached the limits of modern medicibe#and i will rely on research and experimental treatment#but i need to know. emotionally#i need to kill all hope that there is a clear underlying cause#and everything seems to have been cleared. except my brain.#so.#im so tired.#none of the many many doctors i have seen understand why my case is so unlinear and why i have gotten worse since this summer#even for long covid im uncharacteristic just my fucking luck
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also while im complaining i have a like cut scrape thing (annie claw mishap. long story) on like the knuckle of my middle finger and like whatever its annoying but i can do the bandaid like. cutting it knuckle thing and that kiiiiind of works . but thats not the issue the issue is that obviously i have to wash my hands but its not a waterproof bandaid bc idt we have any so i have to take the bandaid off bc obviously i Have to wash my hands or ill go to hell forever and be an evil gross person but its also being wasteful of the bandaids which is also an evil thing to do. Pleaseee can they just get rid of this cut or at least move it somewhere where i dont have to worry about it PLEASE
#and im worried its gonna get infected or something i dont want that im always so worried abt that. which is funny bc as a kid i think every#single scrape and cut i ever got got infected DJDNJRNFJFNG . but i grt scared#and also bc if i let it get infected then thats a failing on my part also which is an evil action bc im supposed to be able to take care of#myself and if i get an infection that means im incompetent which means im evil. you understand. its all exhausting this is why i wish i#could just sleep through everything so i can make it shut up but even when i SLEEP my dreams r all like oooh connor your entire family is#going to die youuu have to save them or its your fault and even when i know its a dream and i try to be like I dont need to be so freaked#out rn im dreaming THEN im an evil person for wanting to not wake up in a comd sweat bc it just shows that i dont rly care abt my family at#all bc i want to not feel terrified abt an imaginary version of them dying. thats the real kicker with all of it is if i think Wow i wish i#wasnt freaking out about this then thats another thing that my brain can say makes me evil bc it just shows that i dont actually care at all#like if im like this is a stupid thing it would not be like. um. idk its always hard to think of examples that im allowed to say without#feeling like sharing them will make me evil . not that its like. pleaseeee understand what i mean here im not like. you know .#like. ok well just use the bandaids. if im like Oh i cant replace this bandaid bc its wasteful to use a whole other bandaid. so it would be#bad of me to be wasteful. and then i try to think Ok well the bandaids were bought to be used by everyone in the house and if i dont use a#bandaid my finger could be infected and it might become a serious issue and then my family will have to pay medical bills which makes it#even worse if i DONT replace the bandaid then my brain can be like Well the fact that youre trying to comfort yourself over wasting the#bandaid judt shows that you dont care at all abt being a drain on your family and it sjows that you are very selfish and greedy and a#parasite bc you are trying to avoid the guilt that you Should feel for being all of those things you see. and thats how it is and i hate it#and i knowww i knowwww its so fuckjng stupid i know its dumb and im being selfcentered by being in my own mind all of the time and i dont#want to be at all i dont want any of this but if i dont do everything that im supposed to do then that will just prove that i am a bad lazy#person who wants everybody to suffer and essentially. i think its a lost cause and i might just have to suffer forever. and its So dramatic#im so dramatic abt everything its not rly that bad its just me trying to be a good person i shouldnt Complain about wanting to be a good#person bc i want to be a good person . and if i dont want to be a good person that means i dont care abt other people and it makes me a bad#person which i donttt want to be. basically slams my head into things
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i think ppl were hoping me becoming poor would make me as bitter as they are but... nah
#i move about the world different sorry#i have my reasons to be upset but i dont let it consume me and become my personality#going to therapy ever since i was like 12 has done wonders for me#you hafta realize that- i could- if i discarded all my values and desire for wellbeing- probably get whatever money from my dad.#my conservative dad who wants me to not be myself and would probably try to black mail me about it like he did when i was a kid#you dont understand how much i have to hate someone. to not be around someone. to PREFER to be poor than interact with them.#im by no means comfortable. sometimes i have periods of comfort other times i have no money and barely anything to eat.#id rather starve than go back to that abuse. you might feel different but thats bc like i said i move about the world different.#you dont know what that abuse was like. after experiencing it you might choose the same.#and no i personally dont consider that me 'having options'. i really dont see sacrificing myself and living as a shell of my former self#as an option personally. its either die by starving or die by sacrificing myself and quite frankly atp im choosing the former.#ive already tried the latter and hated every second of it every time#the only bitterness i have about being poor rn is at yall who wanted me to become poor. so no. it didnt work out in your favor.#not sure why you thought it would. i hate yall.#dont get me wrong- i hate the rich too for this- but ig i dont see them as subhuman or whatever since i lived like that#the uberwealthy though? yeah idk. still dont like the nazi rhetoric of calling them subhuman but i dont have any real#sympathy for them. most of my sympathy for rich ppl anyways is when they're kids and how that fucks em up but if they become#corrupt selfish adults i dont have sympathy for them atp.#and to be clear- im not saying the benefits of having money somehow hurts them- there are negatives to it though if your parents#suck and think buying you things = love. and make you dependent on your parents bc you've had everything taken care of for#you your whole life so you have no real life skills so you cant as easily leave. which is worse if your parent is abusive.#also dealing with other rich kids? sucks! depends but it almost always feels like a dick measuring contest.#being isolated your whole life + not knowing how to take care of yourself- the number 1 thing animals teach their children first +#not having any genuine friends + not receiving genuine love? kinda turns ppl into super villains ngl#if i didnt have dogs who taught me a lot of shit id probably be a super villain too ok lmao
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#i hope i'll be ok.. i hope im just in a bad phase of my life rn#but every era has an ending#and i mean things have to end one way or another#the situation at home is not good#and my mom says she'll move either way next years#next year*** in the beginning....#so like... if she moves this apartment.... wont be able to be in my name#so i have to move or end up homeless :'))))#bc bc of my financial situation (im on welfare) im not allowed to apply for apartments#so when my mom applies she can add my sisters bc they have student loans and a job#but she cant add me bc when you're on welfare you arent really allowed to apply for apartments 🥴#so i wont be able to move with..........#my mom isnt evil and she doesnt want me to end up on the street lnao#lmao**#but i am worried bc the situation at home is getting worse#and they all think im a worthless bum#my mom is getting sicker and sicker of me#so honestly... i think they would let me have nowhere to go as long as they dont have to deal with me anymore#i have to finish high school bc applying for a program and getting a studen housing apartment is my only bet#that is difficult too bc finding anywhere to live in these chaotic times is hard but#there ARE ways#im just getting so fkn stressed and anxious bc time is running out for real#and i do still have untreated avpd that i've asked for professional help for years now but they dont give me any treatment#idk what to do#i dont fucking know what to do but i have to do something#i dont even wanna be alive but ending it is too painful so i wont do that either#goshhhhhhh i hate this
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My birthday is in under a week 👍
#rat rambles#time rly creeps up on you when youre stressed abt everything lol#Im ok to be clear but yeah Im hoping Im feeling a bit better for my birthday#gonna turn 20. wild.#honestly Ive kinda stopped caring but hey one year older#hopefully Ill have some fun and be able to hang out with my siblings and friends#and by hopefully I mean Im sure I will Im just soooo tired rn so Im struggling to be excited#hey Im sure Ill be more excited once I get to eat cake and play the games I like#anyways I found a new melody song so thats pretty cool 👍#its abt her and applebounces relationship again because ofc it is#its making me wanna draw them but also its late + I simply dont want to draw#also I have a small headache 😔#anyways college was 100% a mistake but Ill survive#hopefully I can actually get some adhd meds soon and make life more tolerable#and by soon I mean in like 2 months. sigh.#again Ill live Ive been through Way worse this isnt That bad just stressful#anyways Ive gotta shower now
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