#but. until then maybe episode one will always be my maybe
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Hi
Can I request a jinx x fem reader with abandonment issues that only grew stronger with jinx disappearing after silco death
(Sorry if that was long it’s my first time requesting :))
Please don't leave me. | Jinx x Fem!Reader
Hey there, dear Anon!! I absolutely love your request, and dw, it isn't long at all! Thank you for your great ask, and I hope you'll like this!!<33
Content: Heavy angst, abandonment issues, unhinged Jinx, grief, hurt/kinda comfort?, established romantic relationships, spoilers for season 2, sfw
Reader is afab and uses she/her pronouns!
((Not proofread))
One day, she was there with you at your side, cuddling you to sleep whilst she promised to be back soon from a mission. And the next, she was gone for good, far away somewhere to escape her adoptive father's murder, including you, it seemed.
In a way, you weren't all too surprised by it, considering how her episodes were. Yes, it drove you mad to be apart from her for more than a couple of hours. But you were used to it and told yourself that she'd be back for you eventually. You two had an unreadable bond. You were always her "pretty girl" since she first met you. Would it be dramatic to say that it was maybe even love at first sight? It never was to her, at least. She always was the one to claim that you were made for eachother.
Yet now you wondered if it was all a simple lie. Or maybe she had forgotten all about you in the heat of the moment, the panic drowning out any emotion she had for you. And you stopped thinking about it about three months into her disappearance, hoping that acceptance would set you free from the exhausting cycle of fear and depression you were in.
How were you even functioning without her anymore? The answer to it was "not at all", but even that was too simple. Jinx had abandoned you. She had done the one thing she swore she'd never do because she out of all people would understand how much that hurt. How much it messed with one's soul and body. Every second without her tormented you, and you couldn't help but wonder why you weren't enough for her to at least take you along to wherever she went. You would've followed her to the end of the world if it meant not ending up alone like this anymore.
You were going crazy and it only solidified when one night you found yourself waking up to the image of her laying on her side in your once shared bed, those magenta eyes glowing in the darkness of your room. You had imagined this moment plenty of times before in many different ways. In some daydreams, you scream at her in anger for abandoning you, and in others, you simply ignore her and turn away, just like she had with you. Neither of those things happened, and instead, you burst into tears and practically jumped onto her.
You asked her for an explanation. You asked her why she abandoned you. You asked her if she still loved you. But all she did was soothe you as you cried and sobbed, her hand carefully rubbing your back up and down with a newfound softness she had never had before. Whatever she experienced in her absence must've changed something in her. You could feel it deep down. The way her soul seemed lighter and calmer. But your anger for just leaving you like this didn't subside, even when you drifted off to sleep.
You woke up to an empty bed, though, and that confirmed that you must've been hallucinating... until you notice a small note on your nightstand detailing her return in a couple of days. She hadn't forgotten you after all. She had come to find you despite her grief and tribulations.
And that made you smile weakly for the first time in months as her love finally seeped in again, even from afar.
#arcane#arcane x female reader#arcane x reader#arcane x y/n#arcane x you#arcane jinx#arcane jinx x reader#jinx x reader#jinx arcane#jinx#jinx x y/n#jinx x you
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-Romy flashbacks: With the team scattered across the timestream, it's going to be a minute before they get back to the present, (my guess is that happens in ep3 or 4) so unless we get teases or cliffhangers in the present day showing Apocalypse resurrecting Remy, which I do hope happens, then we're going to need to be patient for Deathbit's introduction.
But what the writers can do in the meantime is set the stage for this. Supposedly, Rogue's regrets about how she handled the Gambit/Magneto situation are going to factor heavily into this story and part of that hinged on her and Gambit having never actually been an official couple because she hadn't wanted them to be. I know many of us weren't happy about that or called bullshit on it, but that's the story, love it or hate it.
The thing is, unlike the godawful retcon of Rogue and Magneto having a past relationship, this one actually kind of makes sense. In the season 2 finale of XTAS, Gambit told Rogue he loved her and then... nothing really happened after that. She never said it back, it was never mentioned again and things between them just kind of stayed the way they'd always been. Her not wanting them to be official serves as an explanation for this.
Say there was a scene between them offscreen after that episode where they talked about everything and Rogue put the breaks on. Maybe it was out of fear (Rogue does like to run away from her feelings) of hurting Gambit with her powers or not wanting him to be stuck with someone he couldn't touch. Either way, the point is the chance of them being a couple was on the table, Rogue didn't go for it and now this is something she's reflecting on and regretting her decision; not as much as not telling Remy how she really felt before he was killed, but that all ties together anyway.
I was thinking that maybe s2 could begin with a flashback to that scene. They talk about their relationship, Rogue tries to say that she cares about Remy, but she can't get the words out and tells him that she doesn't think them being together would be a good idea. Rogue is secretly heartbroken, (though Gambit doesn't know that) Remy walks away dejected. And then maybe Rogue silently realizes something, changes her mind, cries for Remy to come back... and then she wakes up.
It was all a dream, but it gives us more context about their relationship always having been held back by fear and misunderstandings, and how Rogue's regrets about this are driving her arc in season 2.
Also, seeing Gambit, even if just for a minute, would help tide us over until Deathbit shows up. They already let the cat out of the bag in that stinger at the end of the s1 finale, so there's no point in pretending like he isn't coming.
SEASON 2 WISH LIST:
-Madelyne is resurrected as a Horseman along with Gambit: I think there's a better story to tell with Madelyne being brought back (at least temporarily) than staying dead. The X-men having to fight her too would give Cyclops and Cable a more personal stake in this Apocalypse storyline, not that they really needed one, but still...
I said in another post that I wouldn't want to dilute the "Saving Gambit" story by making a bunch of other X-men Horsemen as well, but if it's just Madelyne, then I think it's okay. And I wouldn't expect Madelyne to survive this story anyway, since, aside from tying up a couple loose threads with the Summers family, her arc is basically finished now.
Plus, I just kind of like the idea of giving Deathbit a buddy in the spurned lover department; that could be fun.
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-Sabretooth returns. Logan (sans adamantium) has to fight him... and loses: I've always liked the idea that Sabretooth would probably beat Wolverine in a fair fight, (dude is like 3x Logan's size after all) but it's never been a fair fight since the adamantium basically made Logan unstoppable. But take the adamantium away and suddenly Wolverine is the underdog for a change, which makes the match-up a lot more interesting. And what's even the point of doing the bone claws story if it's not to see how Logan deals with being in a weakened state like this?
Granted, I want to see this for selfish reasons since Sabretooth is one of my favorite villains, but come on! Victor is long overdue for a W against Wolverine, and if he can't get it now, then I'm calling BS lol.
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-Mystique returns, working for Apocalypse: I think Demayo shot down the Val-Cooper-is-Mystique-in-disguise theory, (correct me if I'm wrong about that) but it would be pretty ridiculous if we didn't see her in season 2 since she worked with Apocalypse in XTAS on multiple occasions.
Plus, there's a ready-made story there with her and Rogue. In the 90s cartoon, Mystique wanted to get Rogue back as her daughter so badly that she was even willing to turn Rogue into a Horseman to do it. So just imagine if Mystique had a hand in convincing Apocalypse to resurrect Remy as Deathbit, or at least helped him pull it off, because she saw this as a way to get back into Rogue's good graces. That would add some really interesting pathos to a story that's already super emotionally charged.
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-Costume changes: I get that Marvel has toys to sell, but the different suits the team got in season 1 ain't it. Sorry, they're just not. The only one who pulled it off was Storm. Everyone else got a serious glow down. I actually felt low key embarrassed for Scott and Jean trying to make those retro costumes from the 60s/80s eras work; there's a reason those designs stayed in the past, you guys.
And I even like Rogue's green & white suit in the comics, but in the show it just looked awkward with the gloves being a different shade of green than the rest of it. I'd take just about any of her other costumes over this one.
Either change the suits again or go back to the old versions because I'm not feeling these current ones at all.
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-Magneto has a reunion with his kids... and it doesn't go the way he wants: We saw in the season 1 finale that Mags' separation from his children is something that's at least been bothering him, (though not enough for him to lift a finger to save them from being killed along with everyone else on Earth if he succeeded in destroying the planet's electromagnetic field, but I guess we're blaming that on bad writing) so I want him to meet his kids in season 2... only for it to go as horribly as it possibly could.
It would be both ironic and hilarious if Magneto is hoping to patch things up with his kids, only for Pietro and Lorna to try to fight and arrest him the instant they see him (X-Factor doesn't seem to be a thing anymore, but let's say they're still government employees and have the authority to arrest criminals/terrorists) because he did after all murder millions of innocent people with that EMP AND try to murder every other living thing on the planet, including them.
I mean, let's not kid ourselves, there's no way this family reunion is going to be a happy one after what he did. SOMEBODY has to hold Magneto accountable for that, and his own children doing it is about the most fitting thing that I can think of.
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-A big story arc for Gambit: Romy fans got gipped in season 1, and even if you're just a Gambit fan, you still had to settle for scraps with him only playing a major role in one episode, which coincidentally was the one where he got killed off. Yes, the stage is set for Deathbit to have a really compelling story in season 2, but that's going to depend on how it's done and frankly, after I got burned so many times in the first season, I'm skeptical that the writers will give this the care and attention it deserves.
Demayo said it was "key" that Remy died thinking he didn't deserve to be a hero and that Rogue had chosen Magneto instead of him. These things have gone unaddressed in the show since then, so I'm going to assume they're being saved for the Deathbit story and THE PAYOFF FOR THIS BETTER BE DAMN GOOD.
I want to see all of Remy's low self-esteem, self-loathing and resentment over the Rogneto debacle get twisted into a dark rage that Deathbit throws back in everyone's faces. AJ himself said that Remy didn't feel valued by the X-men or Rogue when he died, so use that! Make it part of the story! Make them own up to it. Force Rogue to confront her own feelings about how she handled that situation, (so far, she's been avoiding doing this) so it can factor into how they bring him back.
I know a lot of us assume that freeing Remy from Apocalypse's influence is going to come down to Rogue finally telling him that she loves him. And, yeah, that should be a big part of it, but it shouldn't be the only part. That's fine as far as Rogue is concerned, but Remy needs an arc too, and I just want it to be worth the wait after they put us through all this.
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-Deathbit vs Magneto: This needs to happen. Aside from the fact that Romy fans will have been clamoring for it for a long time, frankly, both characters are going to want it too. Mags will no doubt view Deathbit as the reason why he can't get Rogue back, and Deathbit... well, we all know what his reasons are; he'll likely want to take Magneto apart just for the pure satisfaction of it.
Now since Magneto's so OP, Gambit wouldn't stand much of a chance in a straight fight under normal conditions, but we know Apocalypse evolves/enhances mutants' powers when they become Horsemen, so imagine if he unlocked Gambit's Omega potential, so Remy has his New Son powers now, or at least a heightened version of what he had before. So Magneto goes in brimming with confidence that he's going to wipe the floor with his rival for Rogue's affections, but then in a shocking twist, Deathbit breaks out his newly enhanced power set and turns the tables on him.
Do I really want to see Mags get taken down a peg and humbled by Gambit? Sure. But narratively, this makes a ton of sense to do. Since Demayo loves Magneto so much, I highly doubt it will happen, (certainly not with this outcome at least) but I think it would be super satisfying for fans.
#x men 97#romy#rogue#anna marie lebeau#gambit#remy lebeau#deathbit#throw us a bone here#waiting is hard
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Something that has struck me from being in the Limbus community a while now, and having recently joined the Limbus subreddit, is that Limbus Company has a big problem...
The Onboarding Experience.
THE PROBLEM
When I started Limbus, the sheer amount of shit to get was overwhelming. So many IDs and EGOs, all of which individually were so expensive that it took a ton of grinding just to get one thing.
That was ten months ago. I believe the amount of IDs/EGOs in the game has increased by at least 50% since then.
I grind a lot more than the average player, doing about 2 MDs a day, as well as all my dailies. It takes me about a week to save enough Shards to gain one Identity/EGO, not including any limited-time events or new BPs coming out. Right now, I have... I'd say just over half the EGO, and all but two Identities. After ten months of playing.
This is woefully slow. Sure, you don't need every EGO/ID to play the game, but if you want good teams, it'll likely take at least 2-3 months to Shard enough IDs and EGO to build enough good teams to reliably take on Refraction Railway without headache.
There's also the story content. For the first... almost four Cantos, the game is so easy that you don't really need to try. Just do Pulls to get 1-2 good IDs and then throw them at the story until you get through. Though of course, 4-48 always takes people by surprise. And then 5-30. And then Canto V Dungeon. And then BHK. And then--
Even me, who grinds a lot, was actually pretty underleveled until Canto VI, where I was just slightly underleveled. Because getting EXP Tickets, especially for a whole team, is slow as shit. And UT3ing a whole team, for a new player, is actually a serious time investment just for the bare minimum. I see people going into Ricardo with UT2 team members because they don't have Thread. And UT4? Forget about it.
Sure, you can say Limbus isn't very hard, but a lot of stages sort of play like stat checks. And getting those stats can be rough as a new player.
I know they've done stuff to remedy this, like the "New Players Event" or whatever, and they'll be tapering off the EXP Curve for levels above 45, but it doesn't seem like enough.
New players have to grind a lot just to get a good enough team to beat story content. Especially now that Canto VII has such rough encounters.
So what can we do?
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
-Improve the "New Player Track" to add enough to level/UT a full team
Feels like a bandage solution for such a serious problem.
-Bump up the rewards for ALL Thread and EXP Luxcavations
Could be a good solution, if done well. Though if you buff it too much, you risk making early and midgame content too easy.
-Bring back old Mirror Dungeons and Railways.
This is my personal favorite solution. Letting people run old MDHards as they came out to get rewards feels nice. And old Railway rewards definitely wouldn't break the game, since most of them came out at a time when people just generally had less stuff anyway, so the rewards are only okay by today's standards.
Also gives players more stuff to do other than the "Story > Thread/EXP > MDNormal" loop. And justifies the inclusion of those mini episodes they release upon a new RR/MD dropping to a modern audience.
This still doesn't "fix" Shards though. I feel like Shard economy is still really rough as a new player. I think my solution is just to increase how many BP Levels doing an MD gives you based on which one you're doing. So maybe MD1 gives two levels, MD2 gives three, MD3 gives four, etc...
If that happened, new players would have ways to get Shards as they do now, with more Shards the further they get into the story. And I wouldn't have to grind for a week to get one ID.
But maybe I'm insane and Shard economy is fine, who knows.
CONCLUSION?
no idea.
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you're from america? place called the commonwealth, right? i found your tape recorder. how did you come to be in france? a bunch of bad decisions.
THE WALKING DEAD: DARYL DIXON —1.01; L'âme Perdue
#m#all week at work ive been like. on my day off its daryl dixon hours ONLY. and u know what?#i was right.#anyway. am in love with him. need ep 2 right now#i know its probably out as of 20 minutes ago but i cant see it till my sisters free to watch as well#but. until then maybe episode one will always be my maybe#twddd#twdedit#the walking dead: daryl dixon#dd 1.01#gifs#daryl dixon#wait can i tag ppl? do ppl wanna be tagged in daryl stuff?? becos i would love to be tagged in daryl stuff but im me
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unpopular opinion: there is no point in the show in which jeid would have made sense. jj never seemed interested in him, and his feelings always felt misconstrued and misplaced. they never had that kinda chemistry.
#r.text#unpopular opinion#jennifer jj jareau#jennifer jareau#spencer reid#anti jeid#furthermore i didn't even realize they were actually friends until jj made him henry's godfather#even that decision doesn't make sense to me#especially considering she didn't trust him alone w henry until he was like what 5 or 6??#what episode did they get drunk n hungover? y'all know the one#maybe that doesn't stand out to most ppl but idk#me? im not finna make someone my child's godparent if there's a point in time that i would b worried about them being alone together#like at any point#why would i make u a godparent when im worried bout if u can take care of them without me#the trust is the point n canonically it wasn't there#they always read as older sister/younger brother who love each other#are there for each other during hard dark times#but aren't really close cua they share no commonalities#i genuinely don't understand how ppl see anything but#that said yeah even jeid as best friends doesn't really make sense to me#she's never really interested in him enough for that to ever make sense#she doesn't even ever care to listen to his lil infodumps#which contrary to fandom beliefs she doesn't have to listen to him if she doesn't want to#her not wanting to doesn't make her a bitch either#criminal minds
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I found this to be such a random comment until I realised it was Balgeum saying it and it suddenly felt so heavy
#his money trauma runs so deep he cant see how his behaviour hurts inho much more than any money issues could#or maybe he does and its just that bad that he cant physically stop himself#when he told inho to go back i was like my man he cant keep coming back until you have enough money to feel secure#if you dont deal with this now that insecurity is gonna run for the rest of your life and even if you do have money youll always worry abou#losing them and not be able to enjoy the comfort that comes with them#and youre always going to base your feeling of self worth on them#and your happiness and everything valuable in your life would be so easy to destroy#itd crumble#i want him to see the truth so bad it hurts me watching him go through it#im happy he was at least honest with inho#thats a step#hes gonna have to take a lot of small ones too#all of these hurt boys ugh#its such a pretty show and the comedy is fun and the acting is top notch that it makes me ignore how much sadness there actually is in ever#episode#and i recommend it as a light watch because they mix the sweet and the sour so well#but i feel for all of these characters#including hyejin lol#boys be brave
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does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians
#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic#im just like. tired of gnawing#and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get#content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky#young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me#im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing &#digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances#m text#i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story#not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a#lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out#bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples#and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified#(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right)#and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here#(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh)#I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost.#anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein#out as lesbian#like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has#to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic)#meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just#and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so#yknow. personal viewer bias here#but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian#and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out#but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough.#im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes#I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY.#like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'
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Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.
It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????
#sometimes i feel like a prized 12 point buck and everyone is desperate to give chase so they can skin me and wear my pelt in memorium#the luxury of being seen is rarely extended to those we perceive as confident/constant in their sense of self#the path of being a child who was constantly told i was making people uncomfortable and alienating my peers#only to immediately become an adult who everyone perceives as so together that they are just Like That With Everyonr#brennan said something like this in the disection of a recent misfits and magic episode about sam (character)#and how he (as evan) realized that the charm and specialness she gifts to everyone around her means that no one ever really gifts it back#and how that fundamentally felt transcendent and revelatory for evan as a turning point idea#he'd spent so long never trusting others feelings of care for him that he couldn't see how he was bulldozing right into and over sam's own#insecurities about whether or not she is worth loving or is special in the same way#and then they had some back and forth about like#sometimes when you develop the skill of relateability and pacification#you disappear so deeply into it that no one notices you're gone - even you yourself - until it's too late#it put to words a lot of the like#gap. that i've always felt between me and others. this insistance on elevating or pathologizing me depending on where they feel the need#to be in relation to me#while having absolutely zero awareness of my actual positioning in relation to them#i have found that they way i interact with others seems to give the impression that because i am being 'genuine' and 'open' about myself#that ALSO means that I am sharing the whole of me.#and when i talk about destigmatization and shame and people work really hard to be like. aware of the edges of me to carch me embarrassed#like if they can prove that i don't 'admit' something it's because i'm ashamed as opposed to considering that maybe they don't have the kind#of relationship with me that would warrant the sharing of it#because i'm willing to talk i am no longer allowed privacy or it's treated as incongruous#but like. i am different people for different people and they are all authentically me but they are also about faciliting the version#of the other person that matters to me to be able to spend time with. i'm not going to bring the parts of me that put you in a bad mood#or aren't comfortable/safe for you. also probably not going to put those things out into the open world as a mixed company conversation#i don't know where I'm going or where I came from here but i think the point is just that I think there's melancholy in seeing when#you also don't know a reliable way to be seen in turn
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gaito: the idiot
you’re not the strongest if you need to prove it
#to me Buddyfight is the Center of a jam doughnut#it’s something that like a whirlpool has absorbed my life but it’s also been a pillar of strength and even when I felt lost and had many#conflicted thoughts about it and strange feelings I could never hate it because it’s hope#has always been. Buddyfight taught me how to love. at the time I was forced to play games I didn’t love to be company for my brother. I was#studying and I learnt what pressure to achieve and succeed meant.#then that was that one episode where Zanya chooses Tsukikage not because he’s the better option but because he’s his buddy#and I realised that ‘oh- maybe just maybe I can have that too.’#I didn’t even truly understand the concept of love until I watched that.#I was so lost back then haha#it made me want to run away. and even as Buddyfight changed I changed along with it and had to learn to accept the changes in life.#Buddyfight is a game but to me it was the equivalent of a companion. of a confidant. Buddyfight taught me a lot of what I hope I became#it was as close as I could get to a childhood love.#Buddyfight now. It’s the show that brings me comfort to watch. The show that caused me to get into pretty much everything I have now. If yo#Removed it from my life everything would topple down because my entire life was involved with it and continues to be. and I’m comfortable#with that it’s like always having a hand to hold when I need help. it’s the game that teaches me to think inventively and that connects me#to my everything. I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. and it’s always in my heart. my precious friend.#<fcbf live-blogging>
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your pfp is so funny to me crying
JFEIWOFJEWIOFEJWFOIEW
JACK!!!! JACK!!! MY GUY, the bread pictured in my pfp is an ICON in german tv.
he is the guy that moderates the night time loop of the publically financiated kid's tv channel. his name is BERND he is a TIN LOAF he LOVES ingrain wallpaper and is eternally tormented by life!!!!! HE HAS ONE EXPRESSION AND CAN ARTICULATE THE WORD "shit" IN SUCH DETAIL, YOU WOULDNT KNOW
SORRY i'm oversharing BUT PLS https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=bernd+das+brot+english
i am begging you to watch all these. these were my CHILDHOOD.
#SORRY to overshare BUT#bernd das brot - as he and his gigs are called#always aired on the aforementioned kid's tv channel KIKA after 9pm#meaning after the last REAL kid's show ended.#idk how many gigs there were but i remember that they changed every few weeks or maybe half-weeks idk!!#ANYWAYS. the gigs were ca 15 mins long and thematicised growing up in the mid 2010s with adult humour#so: online friendships and nerd culture were 2 gigs i vividly remember#also one with a burning oil barrel acting as a heating for some kids in a backyard???#HOWEVER. THEY NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER aired the episodes until the end (or maybe i was just always very unlucky) BECAUSE#at ca 9:30 pm SUDDENLY KIKA WOULD SWITCH TO CNN.#BECAUSE INSTEAD OF yk. broadcasting the news from a wildly different time zone on a channel for itself#they just. maximised efficiency i guess and just let it play after all the kids had gone to bed LOL XD#but that meant that there was a tiny A TINY window for watching bernd das brot be depressed on main.#and that my friend was what made my childhood. loveand light i'm wishing you good night#(it's 2 am here LOL)#tigs talks#jack tag
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here’s the thing
#why can I not escape my past and move on from my ex#like ok sure it ruined my life#but who was supposed to know I was undiagnosed bpd with someone w bpd that didn’t tell me/was physically abusive when episodic#and that it wouldn’t permanently alter who I am as a person between my diagnosis as a result and all of the lovebombing/abuse before I knew#also didn’t know they had bpd until 4 years together and I wish I did so I could’ve been a better partner :/#but also we are so trauma bonded#and no one has ever loved me the same#no one else has written me 10 page love letters#no one else has understood me like him#I haven’t ever loved anyone like him since#but I think he hates me#and he’s moved on and I’m happy for him and hope he’s okay and happy like honestly I do#but I want a second chance so badly#if not with him just with someone who might actually see me and love me again#I think I just love to be abused tbh#I wish I could feel safe and loved again#I’ll always miss u but I get why we aren’t good for each other#I rly did try my hardest#maybe I was never beautiful enough to keep ur attention from the start#I’m just perma sad now#u won and maybe I’ll still kms but it will always come back to u#fuck#personal
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#I WILL NOT BE AFFECTED AND LET THIS HURT MY FEELINGS#new affirmation Not working#my best friend will always stay up to hang out with me and watch one tv show until about 8:30pm and then they go to bed#i get sad about it bc i work at a school so my schedule is v rigid and i teach drama so im always there way later than i should be#so when our schedules align and we both get home around 4 i’m excited to hang out but by the time we do chores andeat dinner and everything#they’ll only stay up for one show episode and maybe only half#most of the time i don’t care bc i understand that they’re tired after work- i am too#but it feels sometimes like i’m not worth the effort to push through tiredness to hang out and everyone else is#personal#delete later
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Family is clearly just prolonging my and my mother's misery by forcing me to text her on special occasions and send her gifts, which is giving her false hope that her only boxing bag might come back and endure whatever she decides to take out on it again.
#if it were up to me I'd block her number and never even hear anything about her again#she made her choices and I swear to god i tried to be a good daughter and take them#when university told me that we should try to stay in contact with people in cults because it's much harder to get out without#a support system i tried to take it because of that if nothing else. i told myself that I'll take it. that I'll take it because maybe one#day she'll want out. i tried to.#maybe I didn't try hard enough I don't know. and if that's right then the universe can add it to my endless list of sins which makes me#not a human. the universe can add it to the list of reasons for why I'll never lead a happy life and why I'm better off dead.#that's what I've been told when i was growing up after all.#i tried to but it's just. it's her life or mine. and if she were mean just to me I'd let her take it. if it were just me I'd let her say all#those horrible things to me and I'd stand there and let her punch my limbs until they go numb like i always have#and I'd let her tell me that nobody will ever love me and I'd let her do her invasive checks of my body and I'd let her have those#episodes of searching through my entire room and breaking into my accounts to see if I'm saying anything about her ever to anyone#and calling my doctors and telling them that I'm crazy and not to believe a word i say.#I'd let her do all that as i always have. but she's horrible to my friends and horrible to strangers and it's just too much for me.#I don't want to hear that my friend killed herself in vain and I don't want to hear that you'll never use her name because#'it was just a year before he offed himself so it doesn't count.'#I don't want to hear any of it. i don't want to hear that all my friends hate me and I don't want to hear how horrible they are#and i don't want to hear slurs you use against them and I don't want to hear you say those things about random people you#meet on the street and i don't want to hear you passing moral judgement on strangers because of the way they do their hair#or the way they dress or the way they were born.#I don't want to hear that all my friends with tattoos are rotten and that cancer awaits them as punishment#I don't want to hear any of it. I'm sick of it. i don't want to hear 'youre a censoring bootlicker' whenever i say that i would like you#to tone it down. 'its my opinion. i have a right to free speech.' free speech is not saying that my friends should die.
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BestFriend!Simon Riley and his big, beautiful brown eyes. he doesn’t think they’re anything special, but he knows you like them. is it playing dirty when Simon looks at you through his eyelashes when he wants something? maybe, but can’t you just let him stay over for the night? he’ll be quiet - he always is. your couch is a little too small for him, you don’t mind him squeezing into bed with you, right?
BestFriend!Simon Riley that has such dark irises they could be mistaken for black. sometimes you can’t tell where his iris stops and his pupil starts. eyes half-lidded, pale eyelashes droopy - Simon’s resting face usually has his eyes looking tired, almost heavy with sleep even when he’s wide awake. if you ignore the way his eyebrows seem to furrow, knitting together for positive and negative emotions alike, his drowsy gaze is almost dreamy - especially when he’s looking at you
BestFriend!Simon Riley who stares at you until you notice. lounging on your couch as you talk to him, your gaze focused on the tv while his is on you. two episodes of your favorite show, that’s how long Simon was able to stare at you before you noticed - you spared him a few glances, but it never really struck you. he cracks a smile when you ask, “Do I have something on my face?”, a deep hum rumbling in his chest as he shifts his gaze to the tv, pale eyelashes catching the light, “Nah, just lookin’.”
BestFriend!Simon Riley that stares at his ceiling at night, legs crossed and arms behind his head. one of the now rare times he isn’t at your place, a rare instance he isn’t cozied up and surrounding you. deep, pitch black eyes in the dark room looking up, eyelids heavily with sleep as he dozes off waiting to march back to your place tomorrow, those big, beautiful brown eyes waiting to look at you as he asks to stay over again
#he’s got those pretty dead eyes with no light in them#well until he looks at you#that sparks a fire in them<3#bestfriend!ghost#bestfriend!simon riley#ghost#simon ghost riley#simon riley#ghost cod#ghost call of duty#ghost headcanons#ghost x you#ghost x reader#simon riley x you#simon riley x reader#cod#cod thoughts#call of duty#hit post
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The missing Journal 3 pages in TBOB are so interesting to me in further contextualizing Ford's mindset of shame regarding Bill. We'd gotten a snippet of it in the original J3 release:
But Bill shows us the less pragmatic motivations behind his actions, the mushy feely stuff he was too embarrassed to properly journal, putting certain series events into new context. Particularly this scene where after a whole episode of dancing around it, he finally opens up to Dipper about the nature of their relationship:
"Bill wasn't always my enemy, Dipper. I used to think he was my friend, long long ago..."
But does he really tell the full truth here? The cat's out of the bag, Dipper knows they had a deal, there's no reason not to tell everything. But Ford proceeds to explain his reasoning for summoning Bill as a purely practical, scientifically-driven one.
"I had hit a roadblock on my investigation of Gravity Falls. Until I found some mysterious writing in a cave. Ancient incantations about a being with answers. It warned me not to read them, but I was desperate."
Desperate...for what? Ford would have us believe it was for the sake of knowledge. Yet TBOB shows us that this is the entry immediately preceding his and Bill's first meeting.
Ford isn't some unfeeling robot powered solely by knowledge, he has human needs. He was lonely, lonely enough to summon a demon for companionship. A companionship so intimate, he describes his meeting Bill as the best day of his life, and laments the periods of absence from him.
That desire for intimacy is ultimately what drove him, and even with all his dirty laundry laid out he can't admit that part to Dipper. Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself, at least not until the post-Weirdmaggedon sections of TBOB:
Under the shame of unleashing Bill Cipher's destruction on the world, there's a much deeper shame: that Stanford Pines is not a lone-wolf, unfeeling sci-fi hero, but a fallible human being, capable of illogical sentimentality and longing for approval and (in)human connection. The exact nature of this sentimentality and longing is left to interpretation, but the efforts he goes to to conceal it make me lean towards something beyond platonic. Alex Hirsch's own words might support this:
"I think he is deeply, deeply hiding from his real feelings about things, because at some point early on, he decided that he could run from hurt by achievement and by creation, and has dug that hole so deep that he has no relationships. He doesn't have friendships, he doesn't have romantic relationships, he is someone trapped in a tower of his own mind and estranged. Ford shows none of that. He has sublimated himself romantically so, so deeply. (…) I really thought of Ford kind of like Tesla in that realm.”
TL;DR Ford is up in his feelings about Bill and repressing hard. This is also eerily reminiscent of the self-blame abuse survivors engage in, the hesitance to tell others, and shame over persisting feelings for their abuser.
#gravity falls#the book of bill#billford#bill cipher#stanford pines#ford pines#tbob spoilers#gf spoilers#dottypost#shoutout to monstrousmuse for quoting that part of that hirsch interview
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COMFORT ME, STAY WITH ME
pairing: aegon targaryen x targaryen!reader
word count: ~1.6k
warnings: spoilers for s2e2 of HoTD, mentions of murder and death of a child, surprisingly i thinks there isn't any cursing or smut, maybe next time ;) just good old sad aegon
a/n: this is my first time ever writing for HoTD or GoT for that matter. please be kind to me. i tried to use appropriate wording for the time period. i'm somewhat successful but i have work ahead of me to become a pro.
i felt so enraged when alicent walked out on her grieving son to go fuck around with cole. what the fuck is your problem? i always gave her the benefit of the doubt but this episode just proves what a terrible mother she is. i figured the only person fit to comfort my baby boy aegon is someone raised by rhaenyras gentle heart.
lowkey want to make a throuple out of reader, aegon, and helaena. readers gonna be a little psychologist lol. she'd hold their hands and force them to kumbaya haha but obviously they'd be like this cant work without you. maybe they'll follow aegon the conqueror and have her as a second wife but idk would anyone be interested in that? i'm rambling. enjoy!
Helaena’s Turn
STAY WITH US
The cold stone of the Red Keep kept you company as you strode through its halls. The breeze of the night offered you comfort and aided your mind to forget the terrible events that have plagued the Keep.
And yet, despite your energies being depleted, you can't seem to find rest. Loss weighs you down and spirals you into a depth of overbearing thoughts, making sleep a mere idea.
The Red Keep, the place you once called home, has become your prison. For weeks, you were not allowed out of your chambers, and for a short time afterward, a guard followed you wherever you went.
It has all changed, though. The death of the King's son has diverted all of the guard's forces to find the culprit. The priority is to search for the monster that gruesomely and cruelly decapitated a child while he slept rather than to watch over a harmless Princess who is simply not on their side.
As a result, you're now free to roam the castle, granted there are eyes all around. You wouldn't be able to step foot outside the castle if you tried, and any suspicious activity would immediately be reported to the Hand of the King.
For an unknown reason, your feet guide you to the King's chambers, where indiscernible, muffled sounds come from. You look around and find that the guard meant to protect the King is absent. It's worrisome. You stand in the middle of the stone hallway, your hands clasped, as you make a decision.
While your loyalty lies with the Blacks, you cannot stand and watch more of your family be killed, including the Usurper. Daemon has always been 'kind' in mentioning that your gentle heart will cause your death. You'd argue it's an honorable way to go.
You slip through the ajar door quietly, getting closer to the sound. There is destruction across the room. The Old Valyria model your grandfather worked on for most of his life is scattered on the floor, beyond salvation. Goblets and spilled wine, thrown in a fit of rage, decorate the walls.
It is only when a sharp gasp and a shuddering breath echo around the room that you recognize the sounds you heard outside. They are cries.
You release a breath of relief. No one is in danger, although it does not signify someone is not hurting. You peak further into the room and debate on your next course of action. If the mess inside the chambers and the lack of guards mean anything, it's that the King would like to be alone.
But you know Aegon. You grew up with him. He's not one to reach out for help until it's too late. You make a haste decision. Aegon will not grieve alone tonight.
You know what that's like. Your brother, Lucerys, was murdered not too long ago, and you had no choice but to mourn alone. The Hand of the King locked you in your chambers, afraid your temper would lead you to do something drastic. It's the most horrid thing you've ever endured.
How you wished for Rhaenyra, or anyone for that matter, to hold you while you cried. A maid would've sufficed, but no one was allowed entry into your chambers.
Aegon sits by the fireplace, his head hung low, as he cries for his dead son. It might not have looked like it, but Aegon deeply cared for the boy. He wished to be better than his father ever was, and he was succeeding.
Until two days ago.
You've witnessed firsthand the blanket of sorrow that has covered the Red Keep, spent many hours by Haelena's side, offering her your shoulder, and never realized the King would need the same.
Why is Aegon alone? He should not have to go through this by himself. You expected he would have surrounded himself with his men and countless bottles of wine or sought refuge in Helaena's arms since they shared the same grief.
A heartbreaking cry snaps you out of your thoughts—his whole body trembles from loss. Aegon gasps for air to aid his burning lungs, yet he can't control the tears that track down his cheeks and the raking breaths that course through his body and limit his breathing.
He does not know what to make of himself. His fingers shake as he fumbles with the ring on his finger—the one with the dragon crest. Aegon doesn't know what to make of himself. He's never endured this sort of loss.
His sobs are the ones of a man who lost a part of himself. Jaehaerys, his legacy, has gone too soon. Aegon spent time with the boy the morning before his death, doting on him like Viserys never did to him.
He's so lost in his grief that Aegon doesn't hear when you stumble upon a piece of cast from the model. Being careful with your steps, you reach Aegon's side and place a hand on his shoulder.
Alarmed, he turns to face the person who disturbs him, only to find you—you who have been keeping the Hightower siblings together despite belonging to the other side.
"Leave me be," he sniffs, staring back into the fire. He wonders if that's how his son's pyre looked earlier that day.
You kneel on the floor, settling between his legs to cup his cheeks in your palms. Wide, glossy lilac eyes stare back as they fill with more tears.
As his tears fall, you wipe them away. It's enough to make Aegon crumble in your arms, releasing louder cries and questions that will forever remain unanswered.
It's so easy to let go when you know someone is there to catch you.
Aegon fists your dress like a child would to its mother. You rub his back soothingly, holding him as tightly as you're able. You press a kiss to the side of his head, whispering calming words.
Aegon never wanted to be king, yet the moment he tries to fulfill his duty the moment he tries to be a proper king, he is rewarded by his son being brutally taken from him.
It's not a fair world. The Gods have never been kind to him, and he's afraid he'll only ever live a life of torment.
Now, more than ever, he doesn't want to be King. It is a mere reminder of how heavy the crown truly is. It's a shackle meant to keep him in place while others act upon his name while he pays for the consequences.
"Jaehaerys was a bright soul. I am sorry this has happened. You should've never had to experience this pain," you whisper in his ear. No parent should experience the death of their child. It is a sad reality the Targaryens have experienced all too well.
Aegon nods in agreement, and only when he's calm enough to speak does he tear himself away from your embrace. He instantly misses your warmth and the smell of roses in your hair.
"Why are you comforting me when you should be celebrating my demise?" His waterline is stained red, just like the tip of his nose, and he's never looked more innocent than in that moment.
You tilt your head sadly, that same emotion reflected in your eyes. "I do not celebrate the loss of innocents, especially one that has gone too soon. I also do not particularly like the notion of someone I hold dear grieving alone."
"You did," he sniffs. He remembers hearing your cries that night; the whole Red Keep could. You cried and screamed the entire night until you fell asleep from exhaustion and starvation.
Otto prohibited them from coming to you. Haelena tried, but he dismissed the idea with the false notion that you'd hurt her in your grief. Otto confuses you with your parentage. Unlike them, you're kind and gentle and wouldn't dare hurt anyone.
"Which is how I know I would never wish it upon my worst enemy." You brush your fingers through his blonde hair, tucking the messy strands behind his ears.
"Is that what I am to you? An enemy?" He asks, disgruntled.
"No," you answer immediately, your hands coming down to rest upon his chest. His breathing has calmed since you first saw him. "At least, not yet."
His lilac eyes bore into hers in search of the truth; shyly, you hold onto his gaze with nothing to hide except your intentions to help. Sighing, he closes his eyes and bumps his forehead against yours. Aegon will take what he can get. There's seemingly no one else to help him deal with his emotions.
"Stay," he pleads, holding onto the hand that's placed on his chest. This is the most at peace he's felt in a while. He wishes to savor it for a moment longer.
"For as long as you need, my King," you reply, closing your eyes.
"Aegon," he says. He refuses to be reminded of what lies outside his bed chambers. For just a moment, he wishes to simply be Aegon.
"Aegon," you respond, correcting yourself. He squeezes your hand appreciatively, tucking your head on his neck.
He keeps you in his arms until late hours in the night, recounting memories he shared with Jaehaerys. The pain is real and raw, and he won't be well for a long time, but for this night, Aegon will seek solace in your embrace, where he knows he won't be judged or be seen as a burden.
In your arms, he's not Aegon' the Magnanimous.' He's not seen as careless or reckless or the lesser child of Alicent Hightower.
He's Aegon.
helaena’s part has been posted! HELAENA’S TURN
Final part! STAY WITH US
that’s it! it’s sweet and short. i just wanted to have someone comfort aegon like he deserves. during that scene i wished i could jump into t he screen and hug him. it’s all so tragic.
i wish i could do the same with haelena. my girl needs to be coddled. fuck alicent. fuck otto. most importantly fuck criston cole.
if you enjoyed this one shot please don’t forget to like or comment and if you want more of it feel free to let me know! i don’t bite (unless you want me to)!
#fanfiction#aegon targaryen fanfic#aegon targaryen x reader#aegon x reader#aegon ii targaryen#hotd aegon#hotd#hotd season 2#hotd fanfic#hotd fanfiction#house of the dragon fanfiction#aegon targaryen fanfiction
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